Friday
Page 34
April 25 - May 01 2005
tvgrace@sickinabag.com
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19.00 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels Nothing on Channel Four’s superbly saucy No Angels, which admittedly I’ve only watched once. 21.00 Secret Life of the Shop Sounds a bit like one of the reality clips from The Day Today.... “In 1979, no-one died etc.....” 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Ideal 23.30 The Heckler Tonight in the dressing rooms up at GR towers we have Leeds’ finest - Kaiser Chiefs. In the spirit of heckling TV John just went onto the balcony and shouted “Whooooooohhhhooooooaaaaaa aaaaahhhhhhh-wank”. Nice 24.00 Wedding Stories Probably starring Britney ‘prenup’ Spears. 24.55 Secret Life of the Shop 01.55 End Day Although this is the last show on BBC3 tonight it isn’t actually just about being the last show tonight. Understand?
6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.20 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street Will Sally make the same mistake a second time around? Don’t put it in that hole you silly cow. 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 Planet's Funniest Animals We now have Kaiser chief grooupies on the balcony shouting ‘Ricky!’ Knobbers. Even worse, Queen are on the stereo. Yuk yuk. 8.30 American Idol 9.20 American Idol 9.45 Movies Now. 10.00 Coronation Street 10.30 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions 11.35 Hell's Kitchen Live 0.35 Married with Children 1.00 Married with Children 1.20 Late Show with David Letterman 2.10 Teleshopping.
19.00 Fortunes of War No-one should make money out of war should they? Except for American engineering multinationals with Dick Cheney on their board. 20.00 The World 20.30 The DVD Collection 21.00 Eric Clapton: The Rock 'n' Roll Years The most overratted and dull musican of the last century takes us through his rock and roll years. As Pete Doherty proves, heroin addictions do not make you ‘rock and roll’. 21.30 Eric Clapton: Searching for Robert Johnson Try looking in the grave next to the headstone which reads “here lies Robert Johnson”. Mong. 22.30 Omnibus (Cream at the Royal Albert Hall) More Cunty Clapton 23.20 John Mayall: The Godfather of British Blues 24.20 Eric Clapton: The Rock 'n' Roll Years 24.50 Days That Shook the World This week: Rik Waller’s first steps. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
Funky Valley five 7.30pm
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06.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.25 Franny's Feet 06.35 Oswald 06.50 Hi-5 07.20 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 08.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "Whispering Smith" 15.40 Film: "Custody of the Heart" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Kane finds his worst fears confirmed. His brother is a seven-foot wrestler called ‘The Undertaker’. 18.30 Family Affairs Lucy makes a decision about her and Jake's future. They’re going to adopt a llama. 19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Party Geordie’s Dad’s party. 19.30 Fifth Gear Car magazine. BOOOOOOOO-RING 20.00 House Doctor: The A-Z of Design 20.30 Britain's Worst DIYer My landlord. 21.00 House Doctor: Inside and Out 22.05 Film: "Final Analysis" A look at another of my dismal essays. Yuk. 24.35 PartyPoker.com World Open 01.55 Film: "Tick Tock" 03.25 Film: "Michael Jordan: the Road to Victory" The A50 to Ross-on-Wye? 04.55 Sunset Beach Meanwhile the rest of the office indulges in homo-erotic behaviour while our editor moans about respecting grammar, ‘even though it’s late’. Yuk. I really wish I was in bed.
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5:50 Angela Anaconda 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:20 The King of Queens 8:50 Will & Grace 9:20 Will & Grace 9:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third Watch 11:10 Without A Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Grudge Match 12:40 Hondo 2:15 The Great Garden Challenge 3:15 Countdown 4:00 Room for Improvement A succint summary of Manchester City’s season. 5:00 Richard & Judy The daily live entertainment show hosted by Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan. It's live - so anything can happen but it usually doesn’t. 6:00 The Simpsons “There you go fatso.” 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Party Election Broadcast We’re not quite sure by who though. 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends The One Where Estelle Dies. Not the Estelle of ‘1980’ fame. Shame 9:00 The Simpsons 9:30 Derren Brown : Trick of the Mind In tonight's programme he subjects Mo Mowlam to a mind-reading routine. 10:00 Playing It Straight 11:05 Jamiroqai Exclusively gash. 11:10 FILM: Young Guns II 1:05 Peeping Tom 3:30am The Real History Show Not presented by our own history boffin TV Manners. 4:25am NO 57: The History of a House God, I’m bored, the groupies have fucked off. Geordie is pissed as a fart and TV Katie has gone MIA after being asleep on the office floor.
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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour with John Stapleton and Penny Smith 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 Entertainment Today 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Perseverance 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's on Strike 3.30 Meg and Mog Animation about a witch and a cat. Satire on spinsery lezzers? Who knows? 3.35 Tractor Tom Starring new gair rhydd editor Tom Wellingham. 3.45 What About Mimi? 4.00 Splash Camp One word, pornlovers - bukkakke! 4.30 Girls in Love Teen drama, sounds rubbish. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.25 Party Election Broadcast By the Welsh Conservative Party Is there such a thing? 6.30 ITV Evening News THIS IS THE NEWS 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street A black cloud descends over the Cropper household as Chesney prepares to leave. Vera gets her wish and Sean calls it a day. Sally's nervous when Justine delves into Ian's affairs. She ought to be, slapper. 8.00 Food on the Brain: A Tonight Special 8.30 Celebrity Stitch Up Starring Michael Douglas 9.00 Hell's Kitchen 10.00 Celebrity Stitch Up 10.30 ITV News 11.10 The Contender 0.10 FILM: Raging Bull One word: Overrated. 2.15 Entertainment Now! 2.40 The Paul O'Grady Show TV Grace is 20-years-young today. We’e all going getting shit-faced at her house tomorrow night. YAY!
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6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks Starring Jade Goodey 6:50 Monster TV 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Yoho Ahoy 8:45 Brum 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Robots 10:30 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Words and Pictures Plus 11:20 Science Clips 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:30 World Snooker Championship 5:55 Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Party (still cunts, even with out Kilroy) 6:00 Animal Park 6:30 Dick and Dom's Ask the Family Presumably with questions like “How’s your father?” Geddit. 7:00 World Snooker Championship 8:00 A Year at Kew The life of a snooker player. Geddit. 8:30 Gardeners' World. 9:00 World Snooker Championship 10:30 Newsnight Only 6 days to the election you apathetic beggars. Cast your votes for Cpt. Beany now! 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 World Snooker Championship 12:15am: FILM: Body and Soul 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Waiting Their Turn 2:30 Women and Allegory: Gender and Sculpture in Two Societies 3:00 Trend Trackers 3:30 Women of Northern Ireland 4:00 Pacific Studies: Patrolling the American Lake 4:30 New York: Making Connections 5:00 Music and Place: In Tune with America
Loose Wo m e n ITV 2.00pm
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Page Turners The ultimate accessory for the lit-savvy billionaire. 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Houses Behaving Badly 11:45 Mind Your Own Business 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours. 2:05 Doctors Sarah is forced into being a honey trap when her friend suspects her fiance of cheating. Is her fiance a bear? 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger Hands in between eyes. Ready? GEEENIUSS. 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids4:00 Arthur 4:20 The Fairly Odd Parents So that’s everyone’s then. 4:30 Ace Lightning. Formula for Disaster 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Stuart rejects Sindi's help - blind men usually don’t like to be helped when playing poker - odd. Sky strikes an uneasy compromise with Boyd - “You hold it, I’ll lick it.” 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News (Followed by a Party Election Broadcast by the UK Independence Partycunts) 7:00 A Question of Sport. 7:30 Top of the Pops. 8:00 EastEnders Gary and Minty embark on a new regime to improve their pulling power. Focus on blind women. 8:30 Outtake TV 9:00 Have I Got News for You. 9:30 Only Fools and Horses. 10:00 BBC News 10:45 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:45 FILM: Parenthood
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2:00pm The O.C.: Something to do with Ryan not being posh enough for a school so he has to take a test. Probably not as dull as it sounds. 3:00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks Justin (Chris Fountain) is finding life boring and confides in Ali (Luti Fagbenle) that he wants to do something exciting. the pair then offer themselves as bait in a gruesome re-inaction of The Predator. 5:00 Friends The One with Russ. That’ll be Russ Abbot then. 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00pm FRIENDS: The One with Russ Joey gets a great acting opportunity on Days of our Lives. Meanwhile Rachel dates a guy called Russ (also played by David Schwimmer) who is amazingly similar to Ross. And Monica renews her relationship with "Fun" Bobby, but finds out Bobby is only fun when he is drinking.
09:20 Will And Grace 09:45 Come Dine With Me 10:15 Third-Watch 11:10 Without a Trace 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Plant 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Room For Improvement 13:45 The Great Garden Challenge 14:45 Honey I Ruined the House 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Troeon Tristan 16:25 O Na! Y Morgans 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard And Judy 17:55 Party election Broadcast: UKIP 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Uned 5 19:25 Darlleiad Etholiadol: Plaid Annibyniaeth Y Deyrnas Unedig 19:30 News 20:00 Pobol y Cym 20:25 Pawb A'i Farn: Etholiad 2005 21:30 Darllied Etholiadol: Y Blaid Lafur Sosialaidd 21:35 Property Ladder 22:35 Derren Brwon: Trick of the Mind 2(S) 23:05 Party Election Broadcast: Socialist Labour Party 23:10 Playing it Straight 00:10 Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered 01:15 Death of a Porn Star