Tuesday
February 16-22 2004
Page 33
notalent@britawards.com
Neighbours BBC! 5.35pm
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.30 Xchange 08.00 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBBC: Blue Peter 09.00 Out There 09.25 Looney Tunes 09.35 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 10.00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10.20 Bill and Ben 10.40 Balamory 11.00 FILM: The Land before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving *** You can tell it’s half term can’t you... 12.05 What a Carry On! 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Trade Secrets 13.10 FILM: Saint Joan ** 15.00 The Life Laundry 15.30 We Got a New Life 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons “Ain’t it kind of funny dad we came all the way to the Superbowl and didn’t see any football...” 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Oh great, a double episode. 19.05 Phill Jupitus's TOTP 2 With Rod Stewart, Ian Dury, De La Soul, Prince Buster, Ms Dynamite and Sailor. Again a guest host raises the standard - let’s hope they show Me Myself And I... 19.30 Hidden Gardens 20.00 Diet Junkies The team meet some real-life dieters in Wolverhampton. Great now you can see some lardies from my hometown. Expect impenetrable accent scenes. 21.00 The Third World War 22.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Paris Brothel: Storyville 00.30 Andre Breton's Naughty Bits 01.00 Joins BBC News 24
Brit Awards 2004 ITV1 8pm
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.55 ITV News Headlines; Local News and Weather 11.00 OK!TV 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Rosie and Jim 15.30 The Angry Beavers 15.55 Bernard's Watch 16.10 Tutenstein 16.40 SpongeBob SquarePants 17.00 24 Hour Quiz Crap quiz meets Big Brother - how could it fail?! 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; 19.00 Emmerdale Len gives Pearl the surprise of her life. Let me guess; it’s pink, has ears and vibrates rapidly. 19.30 The Ferret This week Freddy gets into a fight with a rabid badger. 20.00 The Brit Awards 2004 Expect talentless wonders to be slapped on the back whilst industry fat cats chow down on hookers and gak. Mimed performances and crocodile tears guaranteed. 22.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 9 22.30 ITV News 23.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 9 There’s an hour of this tripe? 23.30 24 Hour Quiz 00.00 FILM: Brave New World Atrocious adaptation of the Aldous Huxley’s dystopian nightmare. Leonard Nimoy hams it up. ** 01.35 Today with Des and Mel 02.25 World Sport 02.50 Football League Extra 03.30 Cybernet 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News
One Night Stands five 11.55pm
07.00 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 07.10 Planed Plant Bach: Rala Rwdins 07.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bryn Seren 07.45 Planed Plant Bach: Plismon Puw 08.00 Planed Plant: FTPD 08.30 Planed Plant: Y Consuriwr 09.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09.25 Bewitched 09.55 FILM: The Third Man CLASSIC ***** 11.45 Supporting Acts 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Hanesion Hyll 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Darn o Dir 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Byd ar Bedwar 21.00 Adar Drycin 21.30 Grand Designs 22.30 Amdani Essentially Rugby Players’ Wives - but Welsh, and shite. 23.25 Alex Best: My Life with George I’ll be surprised if we learn much more that we did in the jungle. Apart from that Best is even more of a tragic waste of talent that we possibly thought. That’s George - Alex was talentless to begin with. 00.25 NYPD Blue 01.20 FILM: Breaking the Waves Directed by Lars von Trier. Excellent drama with Emily Watson. Appropriately timed screening to co-incide with von Treir’s new opus Dogville. Surely this is the perfect programme to use one of the foul Popbitch jokes about cocklepickers about? Hmm, maybe not. I don’t want to be attacked by a group of strange blokes in wellies brandishing nets. ****
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: The Corpse Who Had a Familiar Face *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Tanya tells Sean that she might have caught rubella from Charlie. Hopefully due to that terrible “factual” drama with Juliet Stevenson on MMR serves the muppet right. Lewis and Lucy take cocaine. Presumably they’re off to the Brits too. 19.00 five news 19.30 Strangest Ever 20.00 Back to Reality 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 Back to Reality Will it live up to the “high” standards set by I’m A Celebrity? Who knows - all I know is that tub of lard Rik Waller will probably have eaten the rest of the house by now - or had beach ball sex with Jade. *shudders* 23.55 One Night Stands Don’t do ‘em kids - they’re a big bag of hassle and STDs - just ask Dean Gaffney. 01.00 La Femme Nikita 01.45 Sunshine Tour Golf 02.35 NCAA College Basketball 04.35 Argentinian Football
COMEDY CLUB With Alun Cochrane 8pm £3.50 Wine £6 Bottle
THE TAF Tropical Tuesday: Cocktails £2.50, Shooters £1
GAMES ROOM 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News 19.15 3 Non-Blondes 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's Johnny Vaughan takes a funny and thought-provoking look at the day featuring comedy, topical items and guests. That’s one way of looking at it - the other that it’s huge pile of tripe soley produced to get Vaughan out of his contract with BBC3. 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 Catterick Brothers Chris and Carl, re-united after 15 years, are searching for Carl's estranged son Paul. Lots of cameos and funny people, but could go either way in my book. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Sort-It-Out Man The exploits of a hero determined to rid the planet of apathy and solve people's problems, large or small. Sounds awful. 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.30 Little Angels 02.00 Fantasy
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.00 The Brits 2004 - The Launch Party 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 The Brit Awards 2004: The Stars Arrive ITV2 milking it again? 20.00 Holiday Airport 21.00 Director's Commentary 21.30 Director's Commentary 22.00 The Brit Awards 2004: Party On! Lets hope the charlie mountain in the centre of the venue hasn’t run down yet and Victoria Beckham hasn’t attempeted to sing yet. 22.30 Duran Duran - Live at Wembley Calm yourselves ladies please, there’s plenty to go round. 23.30 Footballers' Wives 01.00 Club Reps Uncut 02.00 Jerry Springer 02.45 Late Show with David Letterman 03.35 Teleshopping 04.35 ITV Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman
06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Yu-GiOh! 08.00 Best of Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 11.00 Malcolm in the Middle 11.30 Futurama 12.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.00 The Sharon Osbourne Show 15.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 17.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons “And this one is called the paddling of the swollen ass with paddles.” 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Angel 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Porno Valley Series about the work of pornography production company Vivid Entertainment creators of Where The Boys Aren’t and other adult classics. 23.30 Scrubs 00.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 02.40 Protect and Serve 03.30 Dharma and Greg
10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me More Russian roulette hi-jinks. 19.30 The Salon 20.00 As If 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 A Wife for William 22.00 Smack the Pony 22.30 Peep Show Mark finds the ideal venue for a first date with Sophie - a funeral. Classic. 23.05 Shameless Frank carries out the ultimate scam, faking his own death with the help of Norma - but doesn't realise till it's too late that Norma has stitched him up. This series gets better and better - though the sight of Frank shagging his son’s girlfriend last week has given me nightmares all week. 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Distraction 01.10 Celebrity Five Go Dating 01.40 A Wife for William 02.05 Smack the Pony 02.35 Peep Show 03.00 Maybe It's Me 03.30 Distraction
As S4C except: 06.10 The Hoobs It's Iver's turn to make a cake, but what sort of cake would a Hoob like best? Hash cake of course. 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Salon 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.55 Judging Amy 10.50 ER 11.45 Icons 12.30 This Time Next Year 12.35 Cheers 13.05 FILM: Raising the Wind Six tins of beans should do it. ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Ideasfactory: The Real - Me and My Machine 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Faking It: Rock Chick Ungrateful bitch wouldn’t drink with Karen O - burn the heathen! 22.00 Shameless 23.05 The Comedy Lab 00.10 Testosterone 01.10 Monkey 01.55 Star Trek: Enterprise 02.40 Andromeda 03.25 Stargate SG-1 04.10 Stargate SG-1 04.55 Private Lives of the Pharaohs 05.50 The Zack Files
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.
Today in your Union
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 Spook Squad 16.45 The Cramp Twins 17.00 Grange Hill 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Susan realises Karl is an alcoholic. Huzzah! It’s taken her fucking long enough. Perhaps she may notice his interest in Izzy in a few years. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Sharon faces up to her feelings about Dennis. Can we finally state for once and for all that they aren’t related and the East End hasn’t suddenly relocated to the Deep South. Expect them to have kids with webbed toes though. 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Sea of Souls Is this doing anything The X Files didn’t do years ago and much better? If only they’d have hired David “Red Shoe Diaries” Duchovny I may have watched this... 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Wales in our Time 22.40 Week In, Week Out 23.10 Doctors and Nurses 23.40 Revolver 00.10 Film 2004 00.40 The Leaving of Liverpool 02.40 Sign Zone
Paris Brothel BBC2 11.20pm