Television
October 4 2003
Page 17
ssugr1@cf.ac.uk
Sunday 5 October BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show presumably broadcast from the ‘earth’ station. 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show which I won’t be watching; we don’t have politics in my village. We just have sheep. 13.05 FILM: The Last Flight of Noah's Ark But surely boats can’t fly? Unless they’re of a VW variety, perhaps. 14.40 EastEnders Omnibus. Relive the “Hello, princess” moment, and let it send a shiver down your spine (shortly before you realise that it’s now October and you need to put the central heating on again). 16.45 Points of View Quick! Write in and complain about Monarch of the Glen! 17.05 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.30 Songs of Praise 18.05 Rolf on Art 18.35 Antiques Roadshow Addictive, scintillating viewing. 19.20 Holiday 10 Best: Cities 20.00 Monarch of the Glen I fucking hate this shite. Boring, depressing, no storyline. Who the fuck watches this, and if so, why, oh why? 21.00 Waking the Dead 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Inside Guantanamo 23.10 FILM: Air America ** With Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr. (Action, 1990) I also really hate Mel Gibson. I have no idea why the BBC have come out to get me tonight, but I shall retaliate by sending them a letter about all the veneral diseases I have had, and the BBC execs I’ve caught them off. 00.55 The Sky at Night 01.20 Joins BBC News 24
07.00 CBBC: Arthur 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 To the Manor Born 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Time Flyers 13.10 Big Screen Britain 13.25 Sunday Grandstand 13.35 British Superbikes 14.05 MotoGP Report 14.15 Racing from Longchamp 17.00 Snooker Hazel 17.45 Scrum V 18.45 Snooker 20.00 Britain in Bloom 21.00 Ray Mears: Real Heroes of Telemark 22.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 22.30 Dead Ringers 23.00 Snooker. 00.00 Snooker Extra 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Key Skills: The Contenders 03.00 Secondary Schools: Scene Offside/Dead Drunk 04.00 Languages: Suenos World Spanish 1-4 05.00 Working in Construction: The Guide Zzzzzzzz, surely these can’t be the real listings? What is it about Sundays and TV? They should be like coffee and toast, or like dead bodies and necrophiliacs. They go together. So why have the beeb decided to show shit all day? Is it because they know we’ll be trapped inside, avoiding work, hangovers and movement? Well, they’re complete cunts then. I for one do not want to watch snooker, rugby or superbikes (and I’m not sure how they earnt that accolade). In fact, I’m feeling quite nauseous due to the thought of this Sunday. No hangover tv? How will I live? I’ll just have to stay in bed reading ‘Razzle: Forty and Naughty’ again...
06.00 GMTV 12.05 My Favourite Hymns 12.35 Waterfront 13.05 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.00 HTV News and Weather 14.05 Soccer Sunday 14.35 Creature Comforts 14.45 FILM: The Spy Who Loved Me *** 17.05 Creature Comforts 17.15 HTV News and Weather 17.30 Your Century 18.00 ITV News; Weather 18.20 I'm The Answer Dale Winton hosts a quiz show with a twist - members of the audience are all answers to the questions, and they are ready to tell why. 18.50 Emmerdale 19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street Todd gives in to his feelings for Nick. Now this is what I’m talking about! It’s the gay snog! Except I have a huge reservation (fnarr) because Nick (the Rickitt) is asleep. This happened to me once before and I was not best pleased - I would rather have been woken so I could participate, so to speak. Never mind. Hopefully the lube willcome out (double fnarr), and all will be happy. 20.00 Heartbeat This falls into the Monarch of the Glen realm. Destroy! 21.00 Sparkling Cyanide 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.15 Rugby World Cup 2003 Preview 00.15 It's My Life 01.00 Trisha 01.55 FILM: The Truth about Spring *** With Hayley Mills and John Mills. (Adventure, 1965). Yikes. 03.40 World Sport 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News
Coronation Street ITV 7.30pm
S4C
five
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Insektors 07.15 Bug Alert! 07.40 Totally Spies! 08.10 SpiderMan 08.35 Finding Nemo Special 09.05 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Y Clwb 14.00 G Girls 14.30 Stargate SG-1 15.25 Enterprise 16.20 Conversations with Rowan Williams 16.55 Maniffesto 17.25 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Ni Tipis a Nhw 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Portreadau: Peter Lord 21.00 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 22.05 Newyddion 22.20 Death of a Scientist: The David Kelly Affair 23.20 Derren Brown Plays Russian Roulette I have to say that I agree with the wise words of Heat on this one. Derren must guess which chamber a random has loaded in a gun and avoid using said chamber when he shoots himself. It seems a bit unecessary, pointless and unlikely to me. Maybe he’s friends with David Blaine... 00.20 Magick 00.50 World Rally: Italy 01.25 Fashion House 01.55 British Style Awards sponsored by Lycra and involving Pammy Anderson. You have been warned. 02.55 Heavy TV 03.55 Scratch God, I’ve got the clap again...
06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.30 Redwall 09.55 Snobs 10.30 Disney Kids Awards 2003 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.15 Divine Designs 13.50 FILM: Paint Your Wagon *** 16.40 At Home with the Eubanks 17.10 Britain's Worst Driver 17.40 five news and sport 18.00 FILM: The Jewel of the Nile ** Good god, I nearly dropped my mouse in excitement! I didn’t know that a sequel to Romancing the Stone was made! Great! Only if you can contain your fear of Michael Douglas though...Ed says it’s as shit as the first one, which is necessarily a good thing. 20.00 FILM: Wild Wild West ** 22.05 FILM: Bad Boys **** Hmm, Will Smith night on channel five. Is this a good thing? The inclusion of Wild Wild West makes me think not. And I only saw the beginning of Bad Boys before promptly falling asleep. So it can’t be good. Although I have fallen asleep having sex before... 00.25 Hollywood's Real Bad Boys 00.50 Major League Baseball - The Play-Offs 04.40 AMA Motocross
BBC3
ITV2
E4
SKY 1
C4
19.00 EastEnders: The Return of Dirty Den A one-off EastEnders special celebrating the return from the dead of the character Dirty Den Watts. With clips of actor Leslie Grantham's first days back on the Square. A week too late and an unnecessary repeat. 20.00 Fame Academy 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Little Britain 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Burn It 23.00 They Think It's All Over 23.30 Love for Sale: The Lady in Red A programme about brothels, rather than Chris de Burgh’s ex-wife. 00.00 Fame Academy Remixed 01.00 What Not to Wear 01.30 Celebdaq 02.00 The Third Degree 02.55 Art in the City 03.25 The Third Degree
09.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 10.00 Pop Idol 11.00 Pop Idol Extra 12.15 Pop Idol Results 12.40 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 13.10 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.55 Coronation Street Secrets 18.55 Survival Special: Mzima - Haunt of the River Horse Surely the fact it’s called a river horse gives it away? 20.00 Pop Idol 21.00 Pop Idol Extra 22.15 Pop Idol Results 22.40 Coronation Street 23.10 Cold Feet 00.10 Celebrities Exposed 01.10 Beggars and Choosers 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle 03.40 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle How vile. 04.35 Judge Judy
10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon 20.00 The West Wing 21.00 Dawson's Creek Selfobsessed ‘adolescents’ with verbal diarrhoea. 22.00 Six Feet Under Nate discovers that Brenda's father has died and ends up taking Maya with him to the funeral. Ruth stalks Arthur when he takes a run. 23.00 Joe Millionaire Game show in which a builder gets a makeover as a millionaire, then 20 single women compete for the chance to date him - not knowing that in reality he is penniless. I still haven’t seen this, depsite the fact that it was my pick last week. I wish I had some money, although to be honest I don’t think the first thing I’d buy would be digital/sky/ whatever. I think it would be my MA, so that I could spend my next year sleeping... 24.00 The Pilot Show 00.30 The West Wing 01.25 Dawson's Creek 02.15 Six Feet Under 03.05 The Pilot Show
06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 King of the Hill 12.30 King of the Hill 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Little Monsters 14.30 Futurama 15.00 Futurama 15.30 Futurama 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Little Monsters 18.00 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 The Big Fantasy Women’s top ten fantasies. No. 1: sex that lasts for more than five seconds... 23.30 Uncut! The Villa 00.30 Six Degrees of Penetration 01.00 More TV Stars Behaving Badly 01.50 Pop Years: 1988 02.40 Cops 03.05 Scrubs 03.30 King of the Hill 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager
As S4C except: 07.15 Bug Alert! 07.40 The Kids from Room 402 08.05 Totally Spies! 08.30 Finding Nemo Special 09.00 T4: Smash Hits Chart. 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks 12.30 T4: G Girls 13.00 T4: Fashion House 13.35 T4: British Style Awards 14.40 T4: Friends 15.10 T4: Will and Grace 15.45 T4: Andromeda 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 Although I realise how important this is to my housemate, it must go. 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.35 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Death of a Scientist: The David Kelly Affair 21.00 Derren Brown Plays Russian Roulette Live 22.00 Magick 22.35 Fifty Greatest Magic Tricks 00.35 World Rally: Italy 01.15 FILM: Angel Heart **** 03.10 FILM: Theatre of Death ** 04.40 Men, Women and Dogs 05.05 Men, Women and Dogs 05.30 Bob and Margaret 05.55 The Clangers
The Big Fantasy SKY 1 10.00pm
Sunday 5 October