She was a Dallas Morning News columnist at the time, her first novel had just been accepted, and her kids and marriage were going great. He had just been named chair of the Psychology Department at Southern Methodist University and was studying the effects of a technique he termed “expressive writing” on people who had undergone trauma. The irony was not lost on the couple. Jamie told the BCRC audience, “I was…my own subject. We had to make a mind-numbing group of decisions. We were completely lost.” A bilateral mastectomy, radiation and chemotherapy followed the diagnosis. Despite the upheaval, a curious focus prevailed. “One thing really surprising to me: It was not all miserable,” Pennebaker explains. “I’d always been this fearful, skittish person. I exchanged all these small fears with one enormous terror of dying and leaving my family. It was terrible, but it freed me in a certain way. I had one great fear that was worthy of having, like a strong wind came in and swept away what wasn’t important, [offering] a sense a clarity I hadn’t had before in my life.” In the post-treatment aftermath, different obstacles arose. Pennebaker recalls wanting to ask her doctor, “What do I do now? Remind me. I need you to tell me because I don’t know.” “Nobody understood how lost and Ruth on holiday broken I felt,” she told newsletters the BCRC audience. Stop bragging about your kids. Many im“They just wanted me portant psychological to go on and forget studies have shown and be whoever I’d that children whose been when all this parents yak about them started.” in their annual newsletJamie’s academic ters suffer from tragistudies of people gocally low self-esteem, ing through radiation a startlingly high rate echoed the difficult of acne, bad posture, twitching and hats feelings he and Penworn backward and, nebaker experienced worst of all, they have themselves. During no chance whatsoever treatment, sometimes of getting in to an Ivy patients focus on a League school. magical time in the future when life is great. But the reality can be different. “During treatment, it’s like you’re doing something and making progress. Moving on is not simple,” he said. Pennebaker finished the keynote duet by hitting on an earlier point she’d made concerning her weariness of terms like “cancer gifts” and the battle-heavy language often assigned to those with cancer. She then listed friends who did not survive, “women who
did everything they could do to live, but their cancers were merciless. I have no idea why I survived and they didn’t. There’s no fairness in this. I try to remember that my age and survival aren’t normal at all. I have friends that will never know the contents and sorrows of aging. Strangely, I feel happier than I’ve ever been before. My growing old is a privilege. I want to do it well for all of us.” The audience cheered wildly as the Pennebakers wrapped up their talk with a kiss. That was no photoop moment to wow the crowd. It was the real deal. Asked by email to offer up a few thoughts on his wife, Jamie replies, “On our first date, Ruth stunned me with her wit, raw intelligence and encyclopedic knowledge of people and the world. That she was sexy and a great kisser didn’t hurt either. I feel so blessed to have stumbled in to Ruth’s path. She has done more to make me a good scientist and psychologist than anyone. And she is still sexy and a great kisser.” It’s hard these days to find any couple that has stuck together for 40 years, let alone 40 happy years, which begs the question: Can two people really get along that well for that long? She points out that the night before that loving keynote, they had a nice knockdown, drag-out argument. “My public speaker husband was trying to offer me a little too much advice,” is how she puts it. He is also happy to dispel any false notion that their love has always been nothing but Skittles and peanuts. “As in any marriage, we have had monumental fights and disagreements. But at the end of the day, there is no one I would rather sit and talk with,” he says, adding that he’s particularly smitten with her social skills. “Her mind is a sponge that absorbs all things social. Ask her about my second cousin once removed’s husband, and Ruth is off to the races. I’ve never known what a second cousin is, much less one that has been removed. Another cardinal trait is her fascination about other people, their backgrounds, their emotions, their stories. I think this is what makes her such a remarkable writer. Ruth can stand back and see the different facets of people in an extraordinary way.” Donna Meadows, who’s known the couple for 15 years, heartily concurs with Jamie’s assessment of Pennebaker’s people skills. “She stays connected with literally countless people on the planet and that gives her diverse intellectual stimulation, closeness when she wants and needs it, and countless other benefits only she knows,” says Meadows, speculating that her friend’s interest in others is key to why she’s aged so well. She has other theories too. “I like how she evolves intellectually and creatively. She seems to have a new goal on the horizon most of the time.” Another friend and fellow writer, Carol Dawson,
regularly enjoys the Ruth on perspective My husband worries pleasure of long walks about immortality. I with Pennebaker. worry about next week. “I would rather age alongside Ruth, walking the hike-and-bike trail and listening to her dry, mordant wit as we discuss the poignancy of mortality, the hurdles of our profession, the vagaries and joys of achieving seniority more or less intact, than make that trek alongside anyone else I know,” she says. It’s a bit early to be contemplating Pennebaker’s legacy, but she’s certainly built up a lovely collection so far: deeply dedicated friends, avid readers, her diverse and prolific written work, and her admirable and longstanding marriage. Perhaps the greatest legacy we can hope for, though, is how our children perceive us, and what they take from our lessons. Toward that end, Pennebaker’s daughter, Teal, reveals an inspirational love and admiration for her mother. “I look at her—with her perfect skin, flawless body, authentic beauty—and don’t believe for a moment that she’s over 50,” Teal says. “But then I ask her for life advice, and suddenly her wisdom and timeless humor give her age away. Only someone in her 60s can tell me, her only daughter, about the importance of reading The Group just as readily as why I should never date a man who spends more time on his appearance than me.” And her son, Nick, reports, “If I were a bartender, I would still card my mom. She’s a fantastic woman with countless accomplishments. I’m such a lucky guy to have a mother as smart, witty and beautiful as her.” Clearly, the wit and wisdom have been passed along. For more on Ruth Pennebaker, visit ruthpennebaker. com. The author’s main website serves as a table of contents and includes information on her books, recent blog posts and links to places you can find her writings, including her New York Times Out of Towner column. The Fabulous Geezer Sisters (geezersisters. com) will give you a regular dose of Pennebaker’s hilarious wit and poignant insights. Plus, if you’re lucky, at least one photo per year (which Pennebaker insists is usually taken and uploaded by her husband, Jamie.)
Scan this QR code with your smartphone to watch the BCRC keynote from Ruth and James Pennebaker.
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