NEWS4U SEPTEMBER 2022 | ENTERTAINMENT
TRI-STATE HORRORSCOPES NO MATTER YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, THINGS AREN'T EXACTLY LOOKING UP THIS MONTH
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
The FBI will unexpectedly raid your home and uncover your extensive frog dissection collection for all the world to see. Just go ahead and become a serial killer, already.
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22)
Despite a complete lack of political experience, you will be approached to run as a candidate in the midterm elections. Actually, you should fit right in doesn't matter which party.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You will be kidnapped and taken to a remote location where your captors will demand that you name all 18 songwriters credited to the creation of Beyoncé's "Alien Superstar" off her new album Renaissance or die. Nice knowin' ya.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You will also be kidnapped and tasked with trying to stay awake for all nine innings of a Major League Baseball game or face execution. Start picking out your burial plot.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Completing the tri-fecta of kidnappings this month, you'll be required to read a Mitch Albom book from beginning to end without retching; otherwise, it's lights out. Be sure to tell your family and friends that you loved them.
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