PARENTING
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IT’S GOOD TO KEEP YOUR AN EYE ON YOUR FIRST WEIGHT BUT WHAT ABOUT TACTIC IS TO STAY THOSE MAGIC WORDS ‘EVERYTHING NEUTRALIN MODERATION?'
and, again, stay neutral while doing so, even if a much younger sibling is involved. Take the younger child’s hand and say to him in front of his elder brother or sister: “We are going to sit down on the couch now and calm down.” Then ask the elder sibling to calm down and sit down also. Once kids are treated equally there is no vic tim or bully. Your next task is to encourage your kids to seek an agreement rather than carr y on fighting. Take on the role of mediator to avoid the ‘he-said-shesaid’ arguments that can arise when unpicking ever yday squabbles. Don’t take sides. Tr y to facilitate a mutually agreed solution to an issue by brainstorming possibilities. This can be as simple as sharing a toy by playing together, or even setting a timer to ensure both children get an equal turn. Once the conflic t has passed and you are sitting together, perhaps at dinner, talk about feelings. Tell your kids how sad it makes you feel when they are fighting with each other and how good it would be to find mutually acceptable ways of preventing conflic t in the future. Express your readiness to listen to both sides, to stay neutral and to brainstorm possible solutions. You can even write a ‘conflic t-resolution plan’ together and put it up on the wall. Then, the next time a situation threatens to develop, you can raise an eyebrow and point to the plan that they helped create.
REMAIN CALM ON THE OUTSIDE, EVEN IF YOU ARE ANGRY INSIDE
All that being said, parents do need to ensure that fights between kids don’t become too violent with bullying of siblings, or the suppression of one child by another. It is impor tant to understand where the line lies between innocent pushing and shoving, and the development of unhealthy relationships with one child forever the vic tim and the other always the abuser. W hen it comes to specific methods for handling conf lic t s, there is a lot to be said for the positive discipline approach which is focused on the idea that there are no bad children, jus t good and bad behaviour s. The aim is to tr y to get siblings to hear each other, to develop their emotionalintelligence skills, and to look for compromise and conf lic t resolution. In taking this approach, your first tac tic is to stay neutral. Even when it is clear who is right and who is wrong don’t simply side with the vic tim. All you will do is confirm the obvious and it is unlikely that you will resolve the problem. Impor tantly too, remain calm on the outside, even if you are angr y inside. Breath out and speak calmly. This is usually much more ef fec tive than shouting. Physically remove your kids from each other but not necessarily to dif ferent rooms – just create distance 42
AROUND DB / JUNE 2023
LET THEM BATTLE IT OUT Once children are confident in their own ability to handle conflict, you can allow them to experience the satisfaction that comes with working out differences positively. Wherever possible, use positive feedback, rather than negative reinforcement to get your message across, focusing on strengthening children’s negotiation and listening skills, as well as stressing the impor tance of compromise. Parents need to reinforce this with some hard and fast ‘get-along rules,’ such as using kind words, being gentle and sharing, while also respecting each other’s belongings. This gives you a great oppor tunity to encourage positive behaviour when you see it, such as when your child shares his toy, or comfor ts his sibling. K now that communic ation is key. Allow children to ex pres s their feelings and encour age them to ask for help without blaming other s. For example: “My sis ter took my favourite book and it made me feel sad. Could you help me find another book please, Mum?” Be creative and, after a while, you may find that your children no longer need your mediation quite so often. Which is surely the most reassuring and hopeful message of all for any parent of siblings.