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NOVEMBER 16th, 2016
Volume LII Issue xi 50¢ DEF NOT MAD
RUTGERS "TOTALLY FINE" WITH THROWING IT'S OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY BY GRIND ALL EXPLORA REPORTA
NEW BRUNSWICK--Rutgers finally decided to celebrate it's 250th birthday last week by throwing its own party. The university declared it was "totally fine" with throwing its own birthday party. "Yeah I mean it's not like I was dropping hints for a whole year or anything," said the university in a statement to the press last Tuesday. "It's fine, I guess some schools like Penn State just have better things to do! Whatever!" The past year has shown Rutgers desperate attempts to get anyone to acknowledge the 250th celebration on November 9th. If you visit the university you cannot turn a corner without seeing the words "250", "historic", and "the birthplace".
WHATEVER, ITS FINE! Rutgers definitely doesn't mind that it has to throw it's own party.
"I mean it's totally fine! TCNJ just wasn't up for the planning. I'm totally not going to hold a grudge against them or anything," continued the university before encouraging students to change the classic "Fuck Penn State" chant to "Fuck Penn State and TCNJ". When asked about this the university said, "I just I think it's fair for other schools to know what kind of friendships they're signing up for". There has been no word from the other schools of New Jersey and Pennsylvannia on why they ignored the Rutgers birthday. Sources close to the other universites have said the schools didn't even realize when the birthday was since there was a 365 day non-stop celebration.
SOLIDARITY
White Men Finally Feel Safe In United States of America
BY ARTHUR CASE AGING WHITE MAN
UNITED STATES—A week after the conclusion of the most intense presidential election quite possibly in history, the smoke is starting to clear and citizens of the US are starting to realize who they've elected. President-Elect Donald
Trump has made it abundantly clear that he has no interest in the well-being of hispanic people, muslims, women, gay people, immigrants, refugees, or (probably) Jews. However, he does truly resonate with the nations most oppressed group— white, middle class men. "I just think he really gets it,"
says local white man and All Lives Matter Facebook activist Ernie Smith. "He understands that we need to protect this country from terrorism, and that's why we can't let any muslims into our beautiful country." Smith, who describes himself enthusiastically as "not racist," is excited for his 7 year old son, Michael, to witness the first white president of his lifetime. "It's going to be great. I think Trump is going to do a great job as president. I'm excited for my son to finally have his country back. We're going to do great things." Smith says he is extremely optimistic that Trump can unite our beloved country.
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EXXXOTICA 2016 COVERAGE INSIDE!
QUICKIES
RIP The Peach Emoji I Had Sex With a Frat Bro, Now What?
Family Prepares for Grandpa's Racist remarks at Thanksgiving Cuffing Season Rapidly Approaching; Many Still Unprepared Trump Looks Into Feasibility of Covering White House With Gold Leaf Electoral College To Be Replaced With Metric Sytem