Playboy 2012 04 by peter

DouЫe trouЫ e. Twins as Playmates,

twins through the years and the NikitA duo оп the cover. DouЫe v isioп а пd douЫ e va lue. What better way, as PLAYBOY South Africa starts its second year in thi s market w ith this editio n, to state clea rl y that we are hell-bent on giviпg our readers more thaп w hat they ever bargained for. Spot our пеw advertisiпg ca mpai gп designed and created Ьу o ne of the world's leading agencies, Y&R, and called "PLAYBOY, MORE THAN JUST А CENTREFOLD." The campaign w ith three of our very popular Playmates nails the w ho le idea of PLAYBOY - it is as sexy and classy as it comes, but there is much more to it than just that. Our team of top contributors takes you through many entertaining а пd informative spaces. Will Gary Kirsten, Heyneke Meyer and Pitso Mosimane Ье аЫ е to deliver w hat their three predecessors could поt do- а World Cup title? Big wave surfer Grant "Twiggy" Baker dates death as well as o ur receпt March Playmate, Kate Lovemore. You wanna live that life, not? We dig а Ьit into the fascinating history of the bunny апd PLAYBOY itself, а пd show the drop-dead awesome futuristi c creations of digital illustrator Dan Luvisi. ln our regular slots, David Lee Roth and Van Halen recently got together after 28 years to release а пеw album. lп o ur 20 Questions, he expl a iпs w hy а пd how. For our main interv iew, we caught up w ith South Africa's most famou s raciпg driver, "Vinnige" Sarel van der Merwe, o r Su perVa п, апd we talk fast cars and fast women and how he almost went flying off at 385 km/hour at Le Mans. А " moer-of-an-interesting crash that wou ld have been," he recko ns. W h i le оп cool cars, look at the Arctic Trucks feature, j ust back from а gruel i пg race to the South Pole.

PLAYBOY South Africa kicks off our second year with two of everything: The Jenzen Twins as Playmates, the two stars of the Nikita girl-band оп the cover, and the best twins ever in PLAYBOY internationally (Page 92). DouЫe Vision - DouЫe Value. Fiction, fact, trivia, giveaways and really awesome women - little guesswork theп w hy PLAYBOY has growп so fast iп the loca l market over the past few mo nths. We are the highest-growing digital subscriptio n magazine in the country. O ur newsstand footprint has grown Ьу mo re than 30% each of the past two editioпs. Апd as the Jenzen twins, o ur Playmates for April demoпstrate, things on ly keep on getting better. F iпa lly, епjоу the regular stuff that's always there- party jokes, cartoons, and the sex advisor. Erla-M ari Diedericks is back to share the strong women's view оп sexuality. PLAYBOY is happy man space, so kick back and enjoy. Oh yes, and as an aftertho ught, for those w ho saw the media spin . Pity poor Bo nang (апd her "private рuпапi ") for tryiп g to make cheap puЬii c ity off o ne email we sent her to ask if she would consider PLAYBOY. Мау поnе of you ever Ье that desperate for attention and may all the women in your life Ье at least half

, GVE•••RJI PLE УА

as attractive as those w ho actually do make it o nto а PLAYBOY cover.

APRIL 2012

,..-=2_",/""УЕА~ INSA \992 - 20\2

SUBARU Confidence in Motion

С О

Т Е

("jj.,i12012

PLAYBO~

PLAYLIST 32

lt's А Man's World

Fi lm s: Frozen Planet and The Hunger Games

Gaming: D arkness 11

Music: Byetone, Springsteen And Jack Parrow

Greatest Cocktails Of All Time

Local

Ьig

wave surfing legend Twiggy Baker dates

death regularly, and has also dated our March Playmate Kate Lovemore for many years. What

cool life they

live! (Page 78).

Women OfThe Net herlands

Stones Nudes: Visual Essay

NikitA: Ukraine's Hottest Girl-band

April Playmates Tatum And Tan isha Jenzen

D ouЫ e Vision:

124

Wink: Aussie Supermodel Lisa Sieffert

Ву

Dean Fidelman

PLAYBOY's GreatestTwins

REGULARS 20

Audience Connection

David Bullard's Out То Lunch v2.0

T he lnterview: Sarel van der Merwe

20 Questions: David Lee Roth

108

Fiction: Romance Ву Chuck Palahnuik

118

Forum:Too O ldTo Rock 'n Roii,TooYoungTo Die

122

Zooping & Snooping:The Celebrit y Scene

С О

Т Е

PLAYB0'1f

Last Man Standing: Dan Luvisi's Digital Art

SA Soccer; Cricket And Rugby's Coaching Future

Arctic Trucks: Coolest Wheels On The Pl anet

Over The Precipice: Big Wave Surfer Tw iggy Baker

Bunny Chow: History OfThe PLAYBOY Bunny

ln acclaimed digital illustrator Dan Luvisi's

Ьizarre

and

futuristic world, the heroes and the villains take shape in proportions that will keep the most hardened

Ыood-and

gore gamer looking over their shoulder. (Page 56)

PLAYBOY Advisor

Sin, Sushi & Seductio n: Say A aaaah .. . nal

Mot oring:The N ew Subaru XV

102

Gentlemen's Corner: Moust ache Maintenance

104

TechnicallyTimepieces: Franck Muller's Latest

106

Aud io : Celebrating YesteryearWith N ew Releases

114

Fashion: Chairmen of t he Board

WORLD OF PLAYBOY

PLAYBOY South Africa just got the green light to feature the women of the Netherlands in our anniversary edition. Although this country rests comfortaЫy below sea level, it is surprisingly easy to get higher than а windmill. lt's по wonder van Gogh was always а Ьit ... starry. Despite popular misperceptions, there are several attractions in this country that extend beyond sex and drugs. Like 24/7 dessert shops. Oh, and diamonds, financial services, and Heineken. They have that too, mom. Тhе main attraction in Holland is the women, though, as the country boasts the most beautiful Ыondes south of Sweden. Dutch women are known to Ье svelte, stunning and taller than you, even without clogs. After seeing what cycling does to tone up those long luscious legs, you ought to consider signing up for next year's Саре Argus Cycle Tour. So, go window-shopping with (or for) а new girlfriend, smoke with the finest Dutch Masters, and enjoy the most beautiful women that the nether region of Europe has to offer.

16 ~

WORLD OF PLAYBOY

18 ~

UD I

NС

CONNEC!'ION

Playboy . Тор Posts

Wall

Post

cfi]

Link

;

Video

~---Л

Write something. . . Playboy

Congratulations to Playmate Jade Fairbrother! She is the first EVER Playmate ofThe Year for Playboy South Afr·rca.То see other stunning South African Playmates, check out PLAYBOY South Africa's Facebook here - http:/ /www.facebook.com/playboyso uthafr rca

QA}

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John Mclouth at wlll it take to get her in th~ U.S.A. version? 21 hours ago • l t ~ · t6 1

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www.playboy.co.za www.playboycastingcalls.co.za www. twitter.com/Piayboymagsa Нарру

[GIVEAWA S]

WIN Darkness 11

Darkness 11 is availaЫe to 3 lucky fans of PLAYBOY who tetl us what game you can't wait for ln 2012. Email darkness@playboy.co.u with your name, age (over 18). address and cell number Ьу 30 April 20 12. See our Gaming review on page 32.

Birthday Hef!

PLAYВOY's

[РSЗ, ХВох

&РС]

Editor-in-Chief

turns 86 on Aprll9th 2012

WIN AERIAL 7 Tanks on page 28 Bad with dircctions? Rely on Jeremy Clarkson's calming voice on the new TomTom Go LIVE. PLAYBOY South Africa has one to give a"vay. Just aпswer the questioп : where's your favouri te spot for а lirst date, and emai l tomtom t!>playboy. co.za with your name, age, address and cell пumber. Ends 30 April 2012. See page 28 for more info.

20 РLАУВОУ

ВВС Nu Metro and PLAYBOY are offering 5 readers а chance to win Frozen Earth on DVD or Blu Ray. Simply tell us who you'd choose to Ье with lf you were the last person on Earth and emall frozen@playboy. co.za with your name. age, address and cell number. Ends 30 April 2012. See review on page 30.

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AUDIENCE COIIIIECИ08

Pinch us.... has it Ьееn а year of РI.АУВОУ allead)'? ln just 12 short monlhs we have gone aЬoul re-construcling what peaple consider tD Ье essenliall'88ding for the rвal man, 8ld the puЬic has spoken. Thanks for the epic SllppOit, and we'l Ье sввq you at one of our Playmale p8lies

to say thaiiЬ..-

[EVENTS]

Playmate Of The Year Party ln а weвЬnd-long dlsplay of~ РI.АУВОУ crowned ils find Plllymatв of the Year, lhe lovely Jade Fairt.oct.r, at а gвla event at ZAR nighlduЬ in SandiDIL llndusЬy се1вЬs ruЬЬed shoulders wlh c::owr modвls and our Pla)mlles from 2011 and 2012, wflile Al Access was on hand to catch lhe revelly as • happened. Callch their vldeo: yuulu.ЬelkyJB1xВPf111

••

Wanna play with me?

Persons over 18 only, Sil

1site. No money may

Ье

exchanged

ог

won

UL L А RD

TWEETТWEET

ur gorgeo us first Sou th Afr ica n

to w rite. That so unded like good sense

oppo rtuniti es for wordp lay and w itty

Play mate of th e Уеа г, j ade Fairbrother, coul d teach the

but 1 cou ldn 't come b ack under my o ld name beca use it appears to have been

exchanges. Thanks to the repl y fac ility you can lob th e ball back over th e net w heneve r you find а comment worth

abo ut t he power of soc ia l media. ln fact

mothball ed for ever, so 1 ca me back as @lunc hout2 and slow ly built up а new

she could teach o ur own po liti c ians and

fo ll ow ing. Heave n kn ows w hat happened

sid e has а sense o f humo ur and the tim e

а few bu sinesses а thing or two. Pretty

to the origina l 1,200 beca use they d idn 't

then you ca n keep ex chang ing wittic i sms

mu ch as soo n as the Pl aym ate of th e Уеа г

imm edi at ely sign up fo r m y new identity.

we ll into tl1e ni ght. Th ere's nothin g more

co mpetition was announ ced Jade was

An yway, 1 have now reached а res pectaЫe

sati sfy ing tha n а vo ll ey of Tweets in w hi c h

o n Tw itter and Fa ceboo k (and heaven

2,3 0 6 fo ll owe rs (at the time of writing) and

eithe r side tri es hard t o co me up with

knows w hat other soc ial medi a), ti re less ly

an eve n c leve rer co mment until, f in all y,

m arketing herse lf and suggesting th at her

mu ch of th at was thanks to an appearance on the Gareth C liff show. 1 also added 300

followers might like to take the trouЫe to vote for her. She built up а loya l fo ll owing

in а wee k Ьу engaging in а live Twitter d ebate during wh ich Katy Katapodi s

and wisdom is ReTweeted to а w ider

of "Teamjad e" and romped home to

threatened to sue me. At least, 1 think that's what she mea nt w hen she Tweeted

tenni s" (p hrase coined here in PLAYBOY)

" Lawyers, here we со т е ." Th is is а Ьit of а

pithy Tweet and see in g how man y people ReTweet it. On e of

Re puЬii ca n Pa rty in the US а thing ог two

v ictory. lt was super smart marketing and

1' 11

Ье dismayed if someone d oes n't hire

thi s savvy young

respo nding to. lf t he party on the oth er

the match point is sco red and yo ur w it audien ce . lf nobody wa nts to play " Tw itter th en it's ju st as mu ch fun putting up а

lady as а lux ury

т у m o re succ essfu 1

brand ambassador.

ones was ''Ь efri e ndin g

1 returned to

Tw itter after flo un c ing o ut in а

There's nothing more satisfying than а volley of Tweets in whi<:h either side tries hard to <:ome up with an even <:leverer <:omment until, finally, the mat<:h point is s<:ored and your wit and wisdom is ReTweeted to а wider audien<:e.

sul k а coupl e of years ago . l'd built up а foll owing of 1,2 00 peopl e, w hi c h was pretty good but 1

journ os i s а Ьit like keepin g pit bull s... yo u neve r kn ow w hen they w i 11 turn on you." Third, Twitter

co medown fo r а man w ho was on ce sued

a ll ows yo u to irritate peop le and get an in stant respo nse. Write

co ul dn 't see the po int of it. lt irritated m e beca use it was addictive and 1 knew 1 was

Ьу th e Pres ident in waitin g.

а co lumn and you have to wa it wee ks

sp ending fa r too mu ch time reading banal

а number of reaso ns. First off yo u have

Ь е bothered. But use the Twitter searc h

exchanges. So 1 ju st c losed my Twitter

а sm all am ount of space to desc ribe

engin e, find so meone w ho is unlikely to

acco unt (@ guntherlunch) and left my

yo urse lf in yo ur prof i le. Min e c hanges

have muc h of а se nse of hum o ur (lefties

fo ll owers hi gh and dry. Not even а fond farewell о г а Dea r Jo hn letter. 1 then w rote

frequent ly but th e gi st rem ain s th e sa m e. The c urrent o ne says: "K i sses no arses

and acad emi cs а ге always а good bet), write а robu st res ponse to o ne of th eir

а coup le of co lumn s say ing w hat а load of сгар Twitter was and that it was no pl ace

a nd takes shit from nobody ... partic ul arl y l y i ng journ os. A nd he hat es lefti es." N ow

wa it for the firewo rks. You w ill have mad e

for men of advanced yea rs. 1ndeed, it fe lt а Ьit li ke sneak in g o nto th e kid 's p laygro und

yo u ca n't Ь е mu c h more sp ec ifi c th an th at . lt's а so rt of upfro nt d ec larat ion

so me humo url ess bastard inca ndescent w ith rage and yo u w i 11 have g ive n yourse lf

and hav ing а go o n the sw ings.

of war and a nyo ne w ho fo ll ows yo u

а satisfy ing half ho ur о г so at the co mputer.

ex pecting yo u to Ь е а st aunc h suppo rter

A nd in all probaЬi lity you w ill have

w ho said that 1 o ught to Ь е on Tw itter and

of Ьl ee din g- h ea rt liberal ca uses c lear ly

inc reased th e number of your fo ll owers

Facebook if 1 wa nted to promote myse lf

has n't read th e term s and condition s.

because in the tox ic wo rld that i s Tw itt er,

But 1 was persuad ed bac k Ьу som ebody

and any subsequ ent books 1 happened

l've d ec i ded th at

now like Twitter for

Second, Tw itter prov id es wo nderful

24 РLАУВОУ

for peop le to respond, if they can even

sa nctimon ious Tweets and sit back and

ma li ce always w ins th e day.

THERE ARE FASTER WAYS OF MAKING WHISKEY, JUST DON,T tARE ТО USE ТНЕМ

Not for Sale to Persons Under the Age of 18.

• • •

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LА

LI S Т

НАРР1' МАN

SPACE

• • • • •

•

• • • • • • • •

•

• • •

-~~~

- - ""'jа

.,~

•

Fr1m new ьeadPhlnes and alnaers 11 а sense 11dlrectlon and rlbotaultars, ln а man·s w1rld lt's aboutthe llttle tЫngs.•

•

• • • • • •

These days, it's not good enough for your cans to sound loud enough to pecl

•

paint at 1О yards, they need to sear the painter's eyes out too before they get the cool nod. One quick look at the latest offering from new players, AERIAL7, and their aptly named TANK, and you' ll have to agree; job done. Power 57 mm drivers inside, coloп-meltiпg colour combos outside, оп а 1 to 1 О scale it's all Ьееп turпed up to

11, basically.

Avai l aЫe

in 1 О different styles from Look &

Listen, Musica or Kalahari (suggested retail price R899) .

•

AERIAL7 Tanks are the hottest new headphones оп the market. We've got one to give away, plus а t-shirt, сар and stickers. Enter via email headphones@playboy.co.za and include your age, address and cell number. Enter Ьу April 2012.

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o•Wewoo~ •о -

Just read the name, and it's got your interest, doesn't it? Then take а look at these al l-,..vood (yup, trees) watches, the last word in styl ish green gear. 1 don't even ca re that they are green; just Ыооdу look at them, wi ll you?! Make mine the dark \vood опе . wvvw.wewood.co.za

32 РLАУВОУ

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What is performance art? А duo of dusty-footed tumЬiers, or а Parisian train station~ А gay pizza bar? La dolce vita cafes, concierge assist, street life, or life on the streets? The colour of а sunset? PLAYBOY spent two nights in the vivid heart of Maputo, with Hotel Cardoso as base camp during thc day so wc could takc on thc (at timcs uncertain but ncvcr unevcntful) Mozamblque night. Young people, old people, African, Asian, and European; looking for love, looking for sex, inspiration, affirmation, or just chilled rum cocktails. From Eiffel's train station, \Vhere cool, intellectual-types sip Ьееr, to the rua Bagamoyo/ Maputo's raucous red light district. Whether wrestling through the crowds or wrestling with granite crab shells, t.he city requires а little effort at times, yet is never unwelcoming nor harsh. There are t\vo kinds of Maputo nights: the upstairs, memЬers-only, all-in-white, ex-Pat business types; and then the downstairs, with the Coconuts lounge, rhythm, for the people, the literary virtuosos, а place to tug at the heartstrings. For your own Maputo experience, check out Bridget HiltonBarЬer's Travel Guide to Maputo & Southern Mozamblque (available from Penguin Books). PLAYBOY would like to thank Hotel Cordoso, Dana Tours, Onetime Airlines and Phil Baker of Pronexus.

Bruce 1.11 Wll IDIIIIIhiiiiiiJ ICIIIIIJ bld 11 SI.OW 1 11111 diWn 10 111 COIIII 111 1111111111. Tllll'llhl IJJDihl 111118 11r•.

Tom Tom GO liVE Tr;affic on route

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• . · 10(

SUI\.Shlnt _ _ __

TheTomTom GO LIVE Тор Cear device features the infamous voice of Jeremy Clarkson plus а heap of Тор Gear Ьonus goodies. This special edition satnav is the ultimate traffic vanquishing weapon for the disccming driver and includcs spccd camera wamings, information via local Search with Google™, weather reports and more. With the calming presence of Jeremy Clarkson himself Ьу your side, what could possiЬiy go wrong? (AvailaЬie at aЬout R2,399.) www.tomtom.com See our giveaway on page 16

L I S

Т 1---- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SEE

[Т НЕ

HtJNCER CAMES]

post-apocalyptic mishmash of ideas with broad steals

from 7984, The Running Man, The lsland, Gamer, need 1 go on? А fascist Capital holds power of over its nation,

and once а year they select two teens- а guy and а girl - from the surrounding areas to compete against each other in а battle, which is televised. There can only

Ье

one. Sorry, 1 stole that line from

Highlander but now you see the proЫem. Тhе fi lm is based on the inexplicaЫy

popular trilogy of novels released around 2008, and

what 1 saw was а film that should Ье aimed at teens, but seems to Ье geared toward 20-something males (even though the lead actress is around 18). But people seem to like this shit. The sets are cool, the costumes not too showy, and the action eye-rolling ОТТ. Plus, Donald Sutherland (sporting а walrus moustache) did good with tl1e trash he was given to Ьlurt, and Woody Harrelson (who mentors the teens) and Lenny Kravitz got to mug nicely for the camera. The woman/girl/whatever, played Ьу jennifer Lawrence, is slightly butch, but she comes off okay; seems li ke the kind who lives on impulse, but you'll groan each time she tries for emotion - she looks li ke she's having а nervous breakdown. Other tl1an that the story does its duty, getting you up to speed in Capital's law and making things obvious for the sake of exposition. But it's mostly about the action, and there's tons of it, with the kind of jerky editing and close-up cuts, screeching, cutting, running and yelling to make you want to sacrifice the damned lot of them.

7he Hunger Games releases April13

...... 2812

PLAYLIST~---------------VIRПAL

36 РJ.АУВОУ

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ONDA MARINE PARKS PROGRAMME

hen you are 62 and yout name is Bruce Springsteen you don't need to

Ье

subtlc or hiclc

your progressive poiitics. You can also \Vear rcfctCJlccs o n your slccvc. Not that hc l1as cvcr bccn to do it. Springstccn has always bccn thc voicc of thc

he has never becn shy to

.Man.

Не

А ех а

rartooed musicaJ muscle

has also neYer held back on ra\V emorioл,

sounds and clear as the Stars and Stripes imagery. And all delivered with that pick-up of а ' roice. Нis latest album, the strong lr!·eckiJ{g Ва/1, is an angry but singalong riposte to capitalism with

"Springsteen has never been

chorLises and

celebration of rnulci-cultural America in all its mttlti-voiced

shy to flex а tattooed musical

and musicaJ glory - there's mariachi, gospcl, Irish, sow. wutl

muscle at Тhе Man." Anna Grigorcnko PLAYBOY Playmate Romania, ltaly an<l Francc; Pictorials in PLAYBOY Colombla, Mexico, Hungary.

mcmoraЬJc

and ready to OccLipy.

38 РLАУВОУ

{{jj~f3t0'/lf3 7

SYMETA

What I really love about it is that it speaks to your feet, your heart and your head.

.".!)

hcn avant gardc and abstract Gcrt"naл clcctron.ic musician OJaf Bendcr (44), better kno\vn as Byetone, \Va!\ unlea!\hed on us in chest( thumping glory at thc rccenr Tastc of Sonar, а friend roared into my ear: "This is punk!" Не '\\ras so damn right. Techno is often associated with icc·cold intellecrualism and with very little that is ' 'isceral, Ьш not One of l11s influences, he told me in ал intervicv.~ \Vas post-punk band Joy Division and you can hear it not only live but оп this album too. TЪis is his second album; it is futurisric tobot music, but it also has the groove and the funk. What Т reaUy love about it is that it speaks to your feet, your heart and your hcad. You can't ask for morc than that.

'/1

EKSIE O U ~ck,

think of your favourite joke of all time. Right, it v.·as pant-pissingly funny tl1e first time. But it still makes you chuckle now. That's what made ( j c stand the test of cime. Гоr me it is tike Bellville rapper Jack Paro-v.r's eponytnous dcbut that was rclca~ed in 2010. With thc лevcr-cnding floods of ncw mu!;ic I gct on an aJmost daily basis, thcrc arcn't too many albums that I ],а..,·с thc lнxu.ry to comc back to that often-Jack's is one of tlюse. It is not onJy stacked \vith great tunes and bcats, but it rcmains Ыerrit hiJarious, cven after repcated listcns. Parow has an ama~ing суе for sceing thc quirkiness in life, he is а great observer of .SefricatJ life in а wonderfully self-deprccating way and his jokes simply don't wear off. Best is, it wipes а kak day off your life in а few minures' time. Не did all tl1e hip-hop things too - collaborations and then, of course, rhe catchiertllan-herpes l1it single "Cooler As Ekke" that not only got playlisted on SFM and YFM, Ьщ also launched а. mШion cool T-shirts and (literally) YouTube hits. And tl1ere were the kid\тideos highlighting the likeaЬie zifpersona with the extra-Jong baseball сар and the moustache. But it wasn't а novelty recot·d- а best-seller, it \WS also onc of mv bcst albun1s of that vcar. " So ":hcrc docs this charactcr comc from? Born Zandcr Tylcr about 30 ycats ago, Parow startcd rapping \vith cre\\•s from the Саре Flats. Не studicd to Ье а mechanic - according to h.is website - but had to take jobs li.ke packing fish in Саре

His sense of observation and taking the piss, when he isn't auto-c1·uise, make you still go,

оп

Ьliksem!

To\X·n harbour and allocating graves for the Cemetery Division of the Саре Town municipality to suppo1·t his rap haЬit. Нis name, he says, came from when "Т was really drunk a.nd was watching Pirate.r of f}Je CPribbean and l said: 'Fuck Jack Sparrow the pirate of the Caribbean, J'rn Jack ParO'-V, pirate of the cataYan park'." So it was likc v.ratching а ncw Savanna "Dry But You Can Drink It'' ad ""·he11 Т listcncd to thc t'IC\V Parow ~lbum Rksie Ои (I'm thc Dudc) aJbum for thc first tim~- rcady to have my fнnny bonc tickled, my finger read}, to hit the rcpeat at the cnd again. So did it give mc kotksiskt·lcgs to a\roid v.retting my pants like his debut? No. Because there's а hint of а for mtua: the sokkie-ish booze song, the lank serious song, the collab \Vith Fokofpolisiekar are all here again. But is it а kak album? лrooit!The singlc "Hosh Tokolosh" with Gazelle is one of the best tunes released in South Africa for at lcast the last dccade. His sense of observation and taking the piss, \\'' hen he isn't on a1..1to-cruise, make you sti!J go, "Ьfikse11A" And there are some cracket tunes, so Т can't \vait for his third a]bum - I am sure that Parow ,v111 probaЬly shakc off the prcssurc that oftcn comcs " 'ith а finc artist's sccond album a.nd a~in prove that he i~ one of the Ъcst rappers South Africa has C\ICr produccd.rl

39 AJ-RIJ. 2012

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SIDEWAYS SAREL

ТНЕ

INTERVIEW

His trophy room is wall-to-wall with silverware, including the coveted Sir de Villiers Graaff SA Rally championship trophy. When Sarel van der Merwe won it the third time, he joked that he was going to keep it. After 1 О years in а row, they gave it to him. Undoubtedly South Africa's greatest racing driver ever, he was as fast on the road as in the bed, at one time cheating on both his wife and his mistress. His footsteps are all over the local rally and race track scene, and he won the Daytona 24 and came as close as dammit at Le Mans in his seven rides there. Since he took to racing in 1967, SuperVan has fired up the scene wherever he went. Ьу

charl du plessis

PLAYBOY (РВ): Sarel, who are we speakiпg to today, SuperVaп or Sarel vап der Merwe, апd сап you tell us why the split persoпality?

Your life is defiпed Ьу fast cars апd fast womeп. lf you were forced to choose, which опе would you do withouH

SAREL VA N DER MERWE (SM): Hmm. You know, 1 started off as Sarel van der M erwe and then Jo l1n Oxley, motoring editor at the Pretoгia News coined the phrase "SuperVan" in 1972, а пd that kind of stuck. Tl1e i deпtity grew through the years, but tl1ese days 1 am more Sarel. The mo re daring SuperVaп now on ly emerges o nce in а w hile wl1eп 1 get the chance to get out оп the racetrack.

SM: Cars are рrоЬаЫу tl1e cheaper optio n! A lthough, 1 must say tl1at the опе attracts the other апd 1 do поt thiпk опе could do w ithout either.

РВ: Some people also call you "Sideways Sarel." ls that because of а special sex positioп or а driviпg style?

SM: Ja, that comes from my rally days, where tl1ere was а lot of sideways s lid iпg . lt took me а w hile to get away from this influence once 1 started racetrack. So, it has everytl1ing to do w itl1 my driving style at tl1e time. РВ:

Which опе of all these persoпalities do you like best апd is more your real selfl SM: llike myself the best. SuperVan lыs just Ьееп а really great scapegoat for all tl1e shit 1 have caused in my life.

РВ:

As you say, the world of motorsport is full of sexy womeп апd you had your fair share while also ruппiпg а mistress оп the side while married. Why do you thiпk womeп are attracted to raciпg drivers? SM: That holds true w itl1 а пу spo rt, not just rac iпg. Loo k at rugby а пd tlюse groupies. Тl1ese womeп are iпto the razzmatazz а пd the glamo ur. МауЬе it is not true w ith golfiпg as o ne does поt see the groupies there, but then again tl1ere was Tiger W oods. W ell, o n second thought, he bought most of it. When 1 drove for H eпdri ck Motorsports iп the US, they also owned а footba ll team and would sometimes book o ut а whole Ы осk just for the gro upies. Don't knock it though. lt worked for me!

РВ:

ls it as glamorous as what the groupies

thiпk?

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SM : lt is actua lly quite а lonely life, traveliпg from hotel room to hotel room as 1 did, always findiпg oneself iп а new destiпatioп . lt is the harsl1 real ity of w hat it takes to succeed iп professioпa l spo rts, апd these groupies are по mo re than brief iпterludes. РВ:

What is it about speed that got to you? Describe the feeliпg of raciпg at breakпeck speed. SM : Whether you are rally iпg o r racing, fo r а brief period, you get that feeling that you are iп perfect coпtrol of your оwп destiпy. lf thiпgs go wroпg, it са п go terriЫy w rong. lt is а real adre пa liпe rush а пd you can die if you are stupid e пougl1 . РВ: You

describe the паmе SuperVaп as "а cool паmе with а death wish." Do you or did you have а death wish? SM: No, not а death w isl1 . 1 never had that, altl1ough w itl1 botl1 my parents hav iпg died in their 50s, 1 рrоЬаЫу suspected ll1ad to take my chances. Rather, it's а matter of l1ow, w l1en you race, you sometimes have to go into unknown areas. Your са г migl1t поt exactly Ье up to scratch. The other guy might just Ье faster. Апd to get

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SIDEWAYS SAREL

Му

dad had me locked up in the police cells for а few nights and ignored те for six months after 1 crashed his imported Porsche 356 Speedster at the age of 1 5. ahead you have to go оvег w hat you may feel is your оwп safe limit. At those momeпts, you accept you may have to Ье ргера геd to die. РВ : What do you consider to Ье your Ьiggest achievements behind the wheel? You won the 1984 Daytona 24-hour and ended third at Le Mans at the same year. Could you have clipped Le Mans?

SM : Daytoпa w as spec ial because it put me оп the map iпtern ati oпa lly, апd we should have wоп Le Мапs that уеа г. We wеге l eadiпg w ith thгee laps to go, but vегу c lose to the епd 1 thought 1 hea гd а stгa пge пo i se iп the back of the са г а пd 1 гadi oed it iп. We had to take about 15 miпutes iп the pits to estaЬii sh that it w as just а small chip оп опе of the va lves, but w e lost the lead. No геgгеt, howeveг, as it was the гight thiпg to do at the time. Му best гасеs wеге wheп lleft Aud i to go гасе fог Foгd iп 199 1. Ву theп , the Audis wеге just too good а пd it became just too easy to wiп , ап d 1 almost had to fake it to keep the iпteгest of the spectatoгs . lп my fiгst гасе w ith Foгd, 1 started iп eighth pos iti oп to wiп . Тl1i s wiп w as all about the dгiveг, поt the са г. РВ:

Rally or racetrack - who are the real men?

SM: Yo u know, iп the 50s а пd 60s, w ith dгiveгs like Ji m Cla гk оп the гасеtгасk, the dгiveгs wеге it.

РrоЬаЫ у 70-80% of the w iп could Ье attгibuted to theiг skill s. Today, w ith the H amilto пs апd Vettels of

the woгld, the iг coпtгibuti oп is likely по mоге thaп 30%, w ith Ьig brotheг iп the pit апd the techпology dictatiпg w hat happeпs оп the tгack. lt has almost become like а Ьig Sca l ectгix . The dгiveгs may Ье ea гniпg fortuпes, but the гi sks have Ьееп s igпificaпtl y гed uced. 1 ca ll it "sissie гас iпg," as you сап't гea lly die out theгe uпless you shoot yourself. So, the геа l mеп iп my eyes аге the гa lly d гiveгs. At times w ith а гa ll y, your view is obscured, ог you have to сопtепd w ith а п uпkпоwп surface. Тhеге аге по crash Ьаггiегs, по гuп-offs. You go thгough sпow high iп the A lps. Ог look at w hat Da kaг asks of the dгiveгs. But, w ith tгack гас iпg, eveгythiпg is pгacticed а пd woгked o ut iп adva пce of the гасе. Yo u kпow you Ьга kе at 50 metгes Ьеfоге а turп. lf yo u Ьга kе at 45 metгes you die. lt is probaЬiy the геаsоп w hy motoгsport's populaгity has Ьееп iп dec liпe. Not eпough people а ге dyiпg апуmоге. РВ: You

never did Dakar ...

SM : lt wasп't theгe iп my days, ап d еvеп today, it takes too much time fгom the dгiveгs. They ргоЬаЫ у test апd qualify fог six moпths of the уеаг а пd that makes it vегу difficult to take оп апу otheг сопtгасt w ith maпufactureгs to do otheг гасеs. РВ:

Speaking of death and spectators, have the Portuguese learnt yet how to keep their spectators out of the way? SM : Look, гallies iп Po rtuga l а ге sl1eeг luпacy. Yo u come fly iпg dowп the road at 200 km/h а пd the пехt m iпute you have spectatoгs jump i пg o ut of the road just iп time. They pa iпt the iг h aпds апd tгу to spl ash your саг w itl1 theiг colo ur as you fly thгo ugh. Sometimes the пo i se of the iг s l appiпg your саг is so lo ud that you са пп оt commuпi cate w ith your team. 1 thiп k it wa s iп 1984 that somethiпg like 30 spectators got killed iп опе гa ll y. Tl1ey must have lots to sра ге because they have dопе пothiпg about spectatoг safety since. РВ: Has Portugal had great drivers then, or from where does all the passion come?

SM : No. lt is probaЬiy because пotl1iпg else еvег happeпs iп Portuga l! РВ: What was your most spectacular crash, and have you ever thought, "Now 1 die?"

SM : lt пеvег comes up . lf so mething goes w rong yo u w ill Ье so busy fightiпg it to the епd that you wi ll поt еvеп kпow you а ге dy i пg. You пеvег thiпk about it theп . Afterwa гds, yes, yo u гea li se that you coul d have d ied. 1have rolled 13 сагs iп гa llies. lп 1992 Теггу M oss hit my Foгd Sapphi гe iп W elkom at w hat we поw kпow as tl1e Phakisa Fгeeway at 300 km/ h. 1 broke two of my гi bs w ith my оwп elbow. Апd theгe was the famous cгash w ith l а п Scheckteг at Kyalami iп 1980 iп tl1e Maпufactureг's Cha lleпge Sa looп Саг ch a mpioпs hi p, wheп

both o ur сагs wеге completely destгoyed . РВ:

Crash and burn. You had the same approach to women. And some of them to you, 1 hear. What was the most direct approach you ever had from а strange woman? SM : Wl1eп гас iпg i п Am eгi ca, tl1eгe w as this 8 1-yeaг-o ld sропsог of а п eveпt w ith this goгgeous 30-somethi пg уеа г o ld w ife. Н е had to go to sleep . She just came up to me а пd said that tl1ey had this yacht i п the Ьау апd that she woul d meet me theгe. Апd this was some yacht! О пе of those wheгe yo u пееd 15 peop le to keep the thiпg goiпg.

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РВ: Now, if racing is peppered with interesting women, it is populated even more so Ьу Ьig character drivers. Who are the best drivers you ever competed against, and how do you rate yourself against them?

SM : Т11еге wеге lots of good guys 1 co mpeted agaiпst. Stefaп Be llof, H a пs-Joachim Stuck, ВоЬ

Wollek, De гe k Bell, Al Holbert, although 1 d id beat some of thei г ti mes iп some of the гасеs . 1 was seгious l y haпdi capped Ьу the boycotts duгiпg the Apartheid уеагs iп teгms of wheгe 1 could compete а пd 1 co uld have had а lot of betteг dгives. lt was еvеп suggested Ьу some of the maп ufactureгs that 1 get а diffeгeпt passpo rt апd, iп гetгospect, 1 рrоЬаЫ у should have dопе that. But, thiпkiпg that my opportuпity as а Soutl1 Аfгi са п to compete iпternati oпa lly migl1t stop а пу day, 1 гаthег went fог the mопеу iпstead of the best сагs, апd 1 ofteп l1ad to compete w ith i пfегiог equipme пt at Le Ма пs, fог iпsta пce. РВ:

Who were the most interesting characters in the racing world, even if not the best drivers? SM: 1 surгouпded myself w ith c lowпs . 1 appгeci ate people w ith а seпse of humo ur, as 1 have Ьееп а shit sti ггег of поtе s iпce my schooldays a lгeady wheп 1 crashed my mom's са г at tl1e age of 12. Му dad also had me locked up iп the police cells fог а few п igl1ts апd i gпoгed me fог six moпths afteг 1 crashed his imported Poгsche 356 Speedsteг at the age of 15. Now, Stuck w as а comp lete c l owп. lп а professioпa l sport li ke this theгe is а lot of pгessure апd you пееd the laughs. Кl a us Ludw ig was а п оthег оп е . Ап d theп the U S d гiveг AJ Foyt was а comp lete luпatic. Н е d i dп't li ke Aпd гetti а пd called him а " wog" because he came fгom ltaly. Не deli beгately tгied to take him o ut i п опе гасе а пd missed! Тhеп theгe was the NASCAR ma гsha l that made hi m wait because he accideпta ll y eпded up liпiп g up i п the rookie liпe. Foyt w as so upset he chased the ma гs hal w ith his са г апd tгied to гuп him оvег. Look, it са п 't Ье all ра i п . Опе must have some fuп too. 1 weпt to my 40th a п п iveгsa ry геuпiоп at Affies iп Ргеtогiа гесепtlу. The aгseh o l es fгom schoo ldays wеге still a гseholes . They all weпt to woгk fог the governmeпt а пd got fiгed Ьу the пеw goveгп meпt. The гest of us гап o ut of booze Ьу 3:00am апd lыd to go to а shebeeп to coпti пue the party. РВ:

You drove for virtually every major

tl1eir popularity. lпstead MSA takes а cut оп all spoпsorsl1ips iп order to рау themselves. lп 20 years, they have dопе по iпterпatioпa l promotioп for our iпdustry. 1 was а member at some stage апd they made sure поt to пotify me of meetiпgs. There are по more eпtry-level opportuпities for youпg drivers. The sport has become stagпaпt апd has пever Ьееп iп such а terriЬi e state as right поw. РВ:

But you апd lап Scheckter are busy settiпg up ап alterпative?

maпufacturer duriпg

your career. Which do you the most outstaпdiпg car or cars you have driveп оп rally апd оп the racetrack?

coпsider

SM: lп 1988 1joiпed the Porsche team driviпg опе of the She ll-spoпsored official-works Porsche 962s а пd that must Ье my higl1light. lt was the start of the electroпi c era а пd it was faпtastic to Ье iпvo l ved. 1 drove most of the supercars ava il aЫe at differeпt times, апd there is much to say about Germaп eпgiпeeriпg. lt really is опе step up from the rest. РВ: You

the

plaiп

are kпоwп to Ье а great fап though of old Americaп workhorse V8 models?

SM: For raw power апd at а cheap price you саппоt beat the V8. lt is just а lot less complicated. РВ: What cars do you оwп yourself апd do you ever get them out оп the road for а quick flip?

SM: 1 sl1ould have kept all my old cars. With this historic thiпg поw becomiпg so Ьig 1 would have Ьееп worth а fortuпe. 1 curreпtly drive а VW Amarok апd also а Нопdа 12 VFR Ьike. lf 1 could have just опе of my old cars, 1 would cl1oose опе of tl1e Le Мап s Porsches from rouпdabout 1987. РВ: lп а couпtry

where so mапу people die оп the road, why do you piss оп the idea of а reduced speed limit? SM: Сап we do aпother book so 1 са п tell you all about this? lt is because tl1e governmeпt has по aпswer to the same questioп. All they wa пt to do is fiпe people а пd it has become а moпeyma kiпg scheme. They поw еvеп charge people for murder for bad driviпg. Governmeпt has dопе пothiпg about tl1e atrocious dri v iпg апd almost 30% of drivers do поt еvеп have liceпses. But it also makes it easy, as people just bribe themselves out of trouЬi e. W e live iп а couпtry w here everyo пe is corrupt, iпc ludiпg the Presideпt. lf you ask for statistics, forget about it because they kпow it w ill show how Ьig а proЫem taxis are. The aпswer lies iп proper driver educatioп . Look at the Autoba hп iп Germa пy. You have по speed limit а пd you са п f ly because по опе w ill do aпytl1iпg stupid iп froпt of you. РВ: You have Ьееп а rebel апd а very vocal critic of MotorSport SA. What is your proЫem with them апd where did it start?

SM: They are just there. lt is а Ыoated bureaucracy just feediпg оп itself. They have dопе пothiпg for the sport. Look at what other sport codes have dопе to secure spoп sors hi ps to grow

SM: Yes, Ьу mid-year we will Ье rolliпg-out а stock staпdard seri es. Guys w itl1 cars startiпg at 1400 cc's апd w hich are five years or youпger w ill Ье аЫе to get out оп the rack. The оп l у modifi catioп they willпeed is а roll-bar апd seatbelts. Now we сап have 50 cars out оп the track eacl1 weekeпd, iпstead of puttiпg dowп the R4 millioп odd it requires to import опе modified productioп саг апd keepiпg it оп the road w ith expeпsive mecha пics а пd slicks. РВ:

ls it true that smokiпg iп raciпg cars got baпned after race officials at an endurance rally saw you drive Ьу with а cigarette in your mouth? SM: Ja, that was iп the 1983 6-hour race iп а staпda rd Golf w here 1 likely got to the park faster thaп w hat 1was goiпg to drive оп tl1e track. lt would take me ап hour а пd 40 miпutes to fiпish my taп k of petrol so 1 took a loпg а couple of Pepsis а пd cigarettes. 1 was а Rothmaпs smokeг tilll quit iп August last уеаг. 1 гасеd tl1e Camel Seгies in the US for several уеагs since 1983, and theгe wеге о пlу thгee of us w ho smoked. We used to get loaded up оп all the fгее c i gaгettes. РВ: Tell

us about the scariest momeпt you ever experienced in а racing car. SM: Well, 1 was hurtliпg down the tгac k on the Mulsa ппe Stгa ight at Le Ма пs iп 1984 iп complete da rkпess, as it was 1 0.30 pm, апd tгavelliпg at 385 km/h . A head was а 90 degгee согпег а пd 1 had to fiпd my m a гk wheгe 1 had to hit the bгa kes and 1 had по clue wheгe 1 was. lt would have Ьееп moeг-of-a-iпterestiпg if 1 missed it. Sou seker пои п оg geval het. (1 would ргоЬаЫу still Ье fa lliпg). Luckily 1 got it гi ght. Апd theп there is Potteг's Pass пеа г East Lопdоп, whe гe you must hit а п asty turп flat-out, а пd you гea ll y пееd to motivate yourself to do just that. РВ: Are you holdiпg true to Danielle, whom you met while married?

SM: 1 met hег wheп 1 had both а w ife а пd а steady girlfгieпd. But we have set the гeco rd - 20 years straigl1t. She is а good w ife. She deseгves me!

РВ : Well,

while being so modest, if you could play god for one day and build the perfect racing driver, apart from the big pair of balls, what would you add into that mix? SM: Modesty is oveггated. 1 would look fог iпtelligence. Good dгiveгs of the past have Ьееп аЫ е to see the whole гасе and think fог themselves апd about w hat they апd the otheг driveгs w ill Ье doiпg. Не would Ье small, as tl1e game is all about weight. You пееd physica l stгeпgth , especially because of the Gs that you pull iп the саг. Bгakiпg са п pull as mапу as 5 to 6 Gs, апd you аге coпstaпtl y subjected to Gs of 4 to 4.5 sideways fог the w hole duratioп of the гасе . 1 used to jog а пd did push-ups iп tl1e hotel гооm , yet you also get dгiviпg fit. At some stage 1 was raciпg 42 weekeпds of the уеаг. As fог the perfect peгsona lity, 1 w ould make the dгiveг а Ьit abгasive апd поt iпteгested iп the otheг guys at all. Не must have the aЬi lity to switch off comp letely wheп dгiviпg а пd foгget about w ives, ba пkгuptcies апd so оп . Fiпall y, you пееd seгious dedicatioп, which 1 thiпk holds tгue for апу profess ioпa l sportiпg регsоп today. РВ:

What is the опе oпe-пight stand you regret you never had? SM: (No hes itatioп) . Тhеге was this stгeetca г race in Durba п iп 1984 а пd two wome п w ere iпvo lved. 1 weпt to bed оп my оwп . 1 lыve regгetted th at Ьitteгly ever since. РВ:

And the опе race you would have still wanted to participate iп? SM: 1 would always waпt to do а поthе г Le Мапs. lt is the WimЬiedoп of гас iпg. Апd, of course, 1 пеvег got the сhа псе to do tl1e East Аfгiсап Safari Rally. This was гuп wl1 eп 1 was at tl1e top of my game, yet politics Ьа ггеd me fгom pa гt i c ipatiп g. РВ: You have а new book comiпg out April, the fourth moпth of this year. What is it with you апd the пumber 4? Are you really superstitious? iп

SM: lt's поt s upe гstitioп. lt's just the way it is. Every time 1 had а number 4 on my са г so m ethiп g bad wou ld h а рреп . Tl1ere was this rall y wl1eгe t he race orga пi se rs еvе п switched my пumЬе г 4 to Rom aп пum eгa l s, а пd still tl1e госk оп w hicl1 two s pectatoгs wеге sta п d iпg l1igh up came loose а пd hit my са г w l1e п 1 t l1ought 1 was с l еа г оп my way to а w iп . At а п оtl1е г time, w ith а пumЬег 4 о п my саг, а j ack sli pped а пd weпt straight thгou gh tl1e sump wh ile 1 was l ook iп g iп а diffe re пt diгectioп. 1 did п оt еvе п start th at race. А пd so it goes о п ... Saгel's пеw

blography, SuperVan апd 1 (Zebra Pгess), wгitteп Ьу the sam e Steve Smith who реппеd Heгschelle Gibb's coпtгoveгsial blogгaphy, hits the stгeets оп 1 Apгil 201 2. rJ

Today, 1 call racetrack "sissie racing," as you can't really die out there unless you shoot yourself. The drivers may Ье earning fortunes, but the risks have been significantly reduced.

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t all 5tarted about four yea r5 ago, wh eп the corpo rately burпt-out Dа п 5et out to create hi5 own univer5e of character5 in а project that would become know n а5 Last Man Standing: Кillbook of а Bounty Hunter (LMS) . Revol ving around а protagoni5t named Gabriel, а 5mart-mouthed, god-like 5uper-5oldier that ha5 the uncanny aЬility to walk away from being 5hot in the face, LMS i5 а 5to ry 5et 5ix centuri e5 fo rward and chronicle5 Gabriel'5 adventure5 а пd interactioп 5 w ith а colourful en5emЫ e of allie5, affair5 and antagoni 5t5. Among5t other thing5, tl1e5e adventure5 include e5caping from an in e5ca paЫ e pri 5on and killing the mo5t ev il man 5ince Satan retired from hi5 world tour, circa 33 AD. lt'5 got 5ех, mu5ic, machine-gun-mounted electric guitar5, vi o l eп ce, action, drama, love, а god ca lled Н ех, 5uper 5oldier5 named Paladin5 and even а mutant bodybuilding 5hark, aptl y named "Jaw5ome," to па mе but а trifle of the over-the-top character5 and 5cenario5 w ithin LMS's page5. Dan pulled ab5olutely no punche5 in creating hi5 univer5e, going w ith the mantra that if it'5 awe5ome, if it'5 Ьig, or if it'5 cool, it са п Ье made more awe5ome, much Ьigger and far coo ler. Luv i5i'5 univer5e beca me part of dinn er-taЫ e banter in the digital art community, а пd pretty 5oon а puЬii 5 hin g dea l wa5 made betweeп Luvi5i and the infamo u5 Heavy Metal Magazine, currently owned Ьу Kev iп Ea5tman, the illu5trator ап d co-creator of the Teenage M utant N inja Turtles. Part of the 5urpri5ing ri 5e in lnternet popul a гity of Luv isi'5 univeгse was the pa гadox i ca l approach to it5 c гeati ve proce5s. lnstead of staгting out а5 а lin ea г, monthly comic, LMS took

а rathe г mave гi c k

'Ju5t plea5e allow me to Ье in the art гоо m whe п thi s gets g гeeп-lit! ' and they гespo пded w ith 'W ho el5e would w e a5k, oth eг than the creato г himselff' So l' m quite happy about th at and са п 't wait to see these co5tume5 and creature5 turп iпto phy5 ica lly tangiЬi e obj ects." Of cour5e, h av iп g to jump fгom c гeating а п а гt boo k to ma kiпg а film i5 а daunting ta5k, еvеп fо г 5omeone of Dan'5 ca libгe. N oпethele55, Dan is 5till play ing а рагt in woгk fог the film, including 5tory wгitiпg апd a гtwoгk. Also having а gгoup of handpicked co пceptu a l des i gпeгs апd illu stгato гs оп the team helps, e5pecially w ith п аmе5 5uch а5 Andгee Wa llin а пd Reid Southen (both popul a г aгti 5t5 о п deviantART, unde г the пот de guerre ofТhe Andгee а пd 'Rahll гe5pectivel y) . " lt'5 гea ll y all up iп th e а iг, but be iп g coпtгo ll ed," 5ау5 Dan, гegaгdiпg the pгoductioп ргосе5s. " lt takes time to do these type of tl1iпgs, а пd to get а wгite r а пd diгectoг, поt to me пtion the entire ca5t and сгеw. Wе'ге o nly in the 5c гee nwгitin g 5tage гi ght now, 50 hopefully we hit it out of the park and get а gгee п - lig ht! But 1 wouldn't im ag iп e aпythiпg uпtil at lea5t 2014-201 б" Тl10u gh H o llywood l1a5 mоге tl1an it5 fill of book-to-5creen adaptation5, а5 w ell а5 comic-to5creen adaptati on5, Last Ma n Stand ing: Killbook of а Bounty Hunter is о п е of those гаге glimpse5 iпto the miпd of 5Оmеопе tгul y iп 5piгed, а пd tгul y in 5piгiпg. lt'5 п eith eг а comi c book, nо г an encyc lopaedia, а пd tho ugh th e гe i5 n othiп g quite like it о г it5 5tогу out th eгe, it'5 5et the Ьа г pгetty high fо г wh ateveг flight of fancy di gital illu 5tгato г5 m ay want to thгow our way. rJ

lt's got sex, musi<:, ma<:hine-gun-mounted ele<:tri<: guitars, violen<:e, a<:tion, drama, love, а god <:alled Нех, super soldiers named Paladins and even а mutant bodybuilding shark

арргоасh in that it wa5 5et up as the ba5ic а гt boo k, ЬiЫ е, and m anual to а stoгy yet to Ье w гitte n and illu stгated . Think of it а5 5omething akin both in 5ize and nature to the Maгve l Uni ve г5e's уеа гl у updated Character C uidebook and а5 а story-in-the-making. W heгe common sense would tell you that "5po iling" the stoгy Ьеfоге it's even puЬii 5hed would inhiЬit sa les o r popularity of the p гod u ct, quite the oppo5ite happened - the un ive г5e of LMS ju5t became mо ге and m ore popul a г. S hoгtl y afteг the гelease of LMS at the Sа п Di ego Comic-con i п 2009, Dап гeceived а call from поnе other than Wа rпег Brother Studio5, w ho wanted to Ьгоkег а Ьi g-budget, Ьig-na me movie dea l w ith him. W ithin le55 than а day from the fiг5t call, Pa гa mount Picture5 al5o contacted Dan, woпdeгin g whetheг they could Ьгоkег а Ьiggeг-budget, Ьi ggeг-name movie dea l w ith him fог LMS. What would you do!' "Foгemost l' m the creato г but 1 al5o managed to nab а Prod u ceг title, w hich 1 feel incrediЬi y gгateful fо г," Dan say5. " l' m inc luded in all of the 5tory meeting5 and ca5ting cho ice5. So they definite ly ta ke са ге of me on theгe, w hich i5 5urp гis ing afteг 50 mапу horroг sto гies you hеа г w ith a гtist5 and theiг adaptatio ns." Н оггог 5to гi es of Hollywood'5 haЬi t of de5tгoyin g c reatoг-owned property аге plentiful, but it 5eem5 that fог Dan, thi5 won't Ье the case. Fгom the get-go, Pa гa mount pictures d id the гight thiпg and kept the pгoject in Dan'5 hands. "Wh e п 1 fiгst took the meeting w ith Pa гa mo uпt about p urch a5 iп g LM S, 1 to ld the head th eгe:

58 РLАУВОУ

SР

RТ

CBOBERS & DIVERS?

''~

' CDACHING SDUT APRICA'S

А TIDNAL

SPDRT SQUADS

And in the often inconsistent world of South African sports, that man is needed to absolve the sins of the Springboks' abject World Cup performance, and while he's at it, work is needed with the Proteas and Bafana Bafana. Ьу

adrtan ashley

e have been here before, апd tl1is time round we needeth three men to cometl1 to Ье precise. So wl1 e п Pitso Mos ima пe, Gary Kirsteп, and Heyneke M eyer were lы nd ed tl1e rei g пs as South Afri ca п пati oп a l m eп 's team coacl1es in soccer, cri cket, and rugby respectively, tl1ey were ushered in as messi a пi c f igures who were going to еше recent sporting failings. Tl1e lыwk-eyed medi a а пd the always-hopeful puЬiic largel y welcomed tl1eir appo iпtmeпt. lmmediately, tl1e tl1ree w ise men felt the Atlas-like weight of natioп a l expectation. Ater all, tl1is is а couпtry w here tl1e JSE index rises or fa lls based on our nationa l teams' Saturday scores. Т11е reality is that eacl1 of these mеп w ill fa ce similar difficulties iп fulfilling the w iппing destiny tl1at those in green-tinted glasses lыve in mind. Despite it appeariпg пowhere on tl1e job spec, each coacl1 must rebuild а braпd. Due to c irc um sta п ces beyond each man's control, some level of repair work is required to the ta rпis l1ed o r brui sed image of eacl1 of our national sportiпg teams. Quite apart from the spectre of iпcompetent unions а пd fiпan c ial scandals, and before eacl1 of these coaches faces tl1e real cru c iЬi e of AFCONs, ICC events, major test cricket seri es, or Rugby C lыmpi o пships, they l1ave to face up to tl1e liпgerin g odour of cl1 roп i c uпderachi evement. Yes, apart from а few notaЫe dates iп 1995, 1996, and 2007, South Afri cans wi ll always think tl1eir teams should, and more importaпtl y са п , do better. The coaches might try апd claim tlыt eпg iпeeriпg meпtal а пd tacti cal ch aп ge is an arduous process w l1icl1 takes time, but time is sometl1ing these lambs do поt lыve sho uld tl1ey w ish to avoid tl1e slaughter. Т11 е пature of moderп sport апd tl1e impatience of faпs dictate that they must start w iппing поw. lt w ill Ье hard to balance tl1e winп iпg l1a Ьit w hile still busy evolving the psycho logy of the national players, and there is no otl1er way to do thi s but simultaneously. Time waits for no m а п, regardl ess of his potential.

l a ugl1aЬie case of Mosimane not reading the rul ebook correctl y.

lt would seem Ваfапа Bafana are worlds away from а team like the lvory Coast, replete w ith Ьi g-name players w ith ga m e-turniпg aЬi liti es. But how did humЫ e ZamЬi a upset all tl1e o dds а пd w iп AFCON 201 2 w ith uпhera lded pl ayers? For Mos ima пe, l1is team's failures are caused Ьу а complex mixture of not having alll1is best players at the same time, а пd п оt lыv ing very good players at tl1at. Апd wl1 eп l1e ca lls up tl1e players they are as lukewarm about national assi gпmeпts as tl1eir pa reпt clubs are. Za mЬi a have s howп us that а little patriotic fe rvour goes а l oпg way. Еvеп Sports M inister Fikile Mbalul a receпtl y suggested lookiпg to other sportiпg codes for l essoпs in natioп a li stic commitment: "1told Pitso to visit а Springbok camp and see l1ow tl1ey do thi пgs." Ваfапа В аfа па hail from the o ne couпtry iп Afri ca w ith uпriva lled infrastructure, the first Afri can couпtry to host tl1e FIFA World Cup. They have а stro пg апd well-fiп a пced league and, certa iпl y Ьу Afri can sta пd ards, have more th a п enough mопеу апd ta l e пt to succeed. lf he са п get past SA FA's noп cl1 a l aпce, Pitso Mosimane п eeds to rall y l1is troops а пd suck them out of tl1e cult of "1" and get them to put t he ball iп tl1e back of tl1e da mпed пеt. Some are already reacl1 iп g for tl1e kпives after l1e fai led to bring а п AFCON 2012 quali fication. Не has а free pass iпto AFCON 2014 Ьу virtue of South Afri ca hostiпg tl1e event а пd that is li kely to Ье the competiti on wh ich w ill defiпe l1is teпure.

Pitso Mosimane What each of tl1ese coaches wi ll kп ow, or soon find o ut, is that а w inning team takes the focus away from а muddliпg n ati o пa l

union. Апd whetl1er they like it or поt, o ur п atioпa l teams remain i пt imate l y linked to their admiпi strators. Pitso Mosimane has l1ad tl1e first go in thi s regard, owing to l1is appo iпtmeпt in 201О. Trutl1 Ье to ld, the South Afri can Football Assoc i ati oп (SAFA) is still viewed as bungliпg а пd iп co m peteпt beca use tl1ey lavisl1ed iп c red iЬie a mouпts of money on two Brazilian coaches for no more tlы п а bag of beans in return, and today are still accused of failing to orgaп i se meaningful friendly matcl1es for tl1eir nati onal coacl1 . Ваfап а Bafana tl1emselves fare little better as а team s iп ce tl1eir failure to qualify for tl1e Afri ca n Cup of Nations (AFCON) 2012 and the fra п kly

SOCCER COMPARISON

Won

Lost

Best in Class: Vicente Del Bosque (ESP), 2008 - Present

84%

Best SA Coach: Cl ive Barker, 1994 - 1997

51%

184

45%

South Africa, last 4 -year World Cup cycle, 2006 - 201 О

41%

Worst SA Coach: Joel Santana, 2008 - 2009

37%

Pitso Mosimane: Supersport Utd, 2000 - 2007

photography Ьу getty/gallo

60 РLАУВОУ

Drawn

Win%

Played

APRIL2012

Р О

RТ

CHOKERS & DIVERS?

Gary Kirsten Wheп Gary Kirsteп took the reigп s as Proteas coach iп

2011 , sооп after w iппiпg the ICC Wo rld Cup w ith lndia, he fouпd hi s ow n uпsavoury sideshows. Не could surely not have welcomed the fact that Cricket South Afri ca (CSA) was iп the throes of а damagiп g boпu s sca пda l w hich saw them lose sponsors as fast as j acques Kallis was l osiпg hair (а пd theп growiп g it back aga iп ). Add that to the liпge rin g пoises of player-power а пd c liques w ithiп the test team, and Kirsten had some issues to dea l w ith, as quickly as poss iЬie. W ith а drawn test series aga iп st Australia апd а sti cky seri es victory aga iп st Sri Laпka, w hich had to go to the third а пd dec idiпg test, the Proteas са п Ье said to Ье doiпg just eno ugh to avoid а пу majo r scrutiny at this po int. Earl y success in New Zealand does not detract from the fact that the Kiw is are perpetual also-rans yet know how to punch above their weight. Kirste п has to eradicate the propeпs ity for the poppedcollar b ra iп-fade that h auпts the Proteas, а team w hich has struggled to put to bed emiпently w iппа Ы е ho me seri es for years поw. After seeiпg his countrymen escape w ith а drawn test series against the Proteas in late 20 11 , Steve Waugh, the captaiп of some of Australia's most aggress i ve l y- miпded cricket teams stated the obvio us, "They (the Proteas) rea lly sho uld have Ьеаtе п Austral ia 2-0 ... But for some reason they ca n't quite grab it wheп the opportunity presents itself." Did someone say "choke(" lп Kirsten's case, he has to engiпeer а chaпge iп the South African cricketing miпd-set. For too loпg has the test side looked to avoid defeat befo re chasiпg victo ry, cue а host of unambltious dec l aratioп s after postiпg а mammoth target, set defensive fields, ca ll back Paul Harri s, Ье the пea rl y-meп of worl d cricket. The Proteas have produced some of the w orld's best players through the years а пd have certa iпly Ьееп iп raп ge at times, but are yet to wiп а п ICC competit ion. They w ill Ье well aware that they са п rega iп the number o ne test rankiпg if they w hitewash New Zealand in three tests iп M arch 2012. But w ill it Ье too much pressure fo r the fragile Proteas(

Played

Won

Lost

Drawn

Tests

77%

ODis

212

1 бЗ

4б

77%

б О%

Tests

53%

ODis

б9%

Т2 0

67%

Test

1б

49%

OD is

11 б

б7%

бS %

Test

48%

OOis

64%

Test

48%

OD is

63%

Т2 0

54%

CRICKET COMPARISON

Win %

Best in Class: John Bucha nan (AU$), 1999-2007

Т2 0

South Africa, last 4-уеаг World Cup cycle, 2007 - 20 11

Best SA Coach: Mickey Arthur, 2005 - 201 О

Т20

Worst SA Coach: Gra ham Ford, 1999 - 2002

Gary Kirsten, lndia, 2008 - 2011

РLАУВОУ

RUGBY COMPARISON

Played \ Won

Best SA Coach: Кitch Christie, 1995-1996

Drawn

Win %

100%

103

85%

South Africa, last 4-year World Cup cycle, 2007 - 2011

63%

Heyneke M eyer, Blue Bulls, 2001 2007

142

61 %

20%

Best in Class: Graham Henry (NZ), 2004-2011

Worst SA Coach: john Williams, 1992

Heyneke Meyer ln rugby, Heyneke Meyer takes up tl1e mantle of national coach under а financia lly strong and trouЬie-free unioп , but lыs been left with а dec idedly limp Springbok carcass оп hi s lыпds. The Spriпgbok braпd lыs taken а batteriпg, with M eyer's coachiпg predecessor Peter de Vi lliers accused of eve rytl1iп g from turпiп g а oп ce-iп-a generation player group iпto elder statesma п a l so-ra п s, of a ll ow iпg tl1ose same o lder players onto his coacl1iп g рапе ! , of staying in the tactical dark ages, апd of giv ing easy test wins to o ur fiercest foes in tl1e name of а пot-so c uпnin g р lап. W l1en Meyer gets started, he w ill have а lot of ground to make up iп w hat is a rgu aЫ y the most difficu lt апd scrutini sed position iп all of South Afri caп sport. The Boks are the most physical team in world rugby, w ith ап e пdl ess suppl y of enormous physica l spec imeпs. Graпted, they l1ave won two World Cups tl1rougl1 sl1eer defeпsive belli gereп ce, but iп the normal test season сап Ье beaten w ith surprising ease and regularity Ьу Australi a апd New Zea l aпd. Meyer also l1as а remit to cha пge tl1e miпd-sets l1e inl1erited from his predecessor. Т11е Sprin gboks, because of their high-quality p layer base, wi ll always Ье аЫе to w iп test matches, but how m а пу of us have w ished they were coacl1ed to play iп more ways than опе? Т11е stubborп ad l1ere пce to the kick-c lыse strategy at the heigl1t of Peter de Villiers' reign gave every opponeпt extra time off in lieu of а tactics meeting. The couпter was so obvio us - practice catching bombs, meet them at the breakdown, theп do our оwп tl1iп g. Heyneke Meyer must briпg d iversity to the Bo k attack if tl1e team is to make an impact iп а fast-changing sport. Tl1e Boks were woeful in the 2011 Tri-Nations, а competiti oп iп wl1 ich they rolled over and gave away test v ictories w hi le try iпg to пurse thei r f irst team iпto prime healtl1 in а п u ltimately fru itless effort. There is tl1e expectati o п of а better showing iп tl1e mid-yea r test seri es agaiп st En g l aпd а пd, cru cially, the new Rugby Cl1ampionsl1ip.

Lost

Тhе

Future

Each sporting code is crying out for а peri od of coпtin e ntal or world domiпan ce. lt са п Ье argued tlыt each code has eпough preva iliпg factors iп its favour to make а run for it. But o ur п atioпa l coaches must start to w in, апd as always in iпterпati ona l sport tl1ey must wiп now. lt w ill Ье difficult, but iп each case the patl1 to w i ппiпg w ill take some tweakiпg before it becomes а h aЬit. ln tl1i s fixation with w inning, and wiпп iпg intelligently, there is а crumb of comfort: опе thing tl1at South Afri ca п coacl1es w ill пever have to conte пd w ith is the pressure to w in with рап ас l1е. lt's поt iп our psyche. Tl1e A ll Blacks lost their Rugby World Cup 2007 qu arter-fina l agaiп st France because tl1ey believed the drop goal was be пeath tl1em. South Afri ca пs are more pragmatic. What we simply ask is that we try to wiп at all . Some teams set themselves up to w in а ce rta iп way. South Africa п teams often set themselves up not to lose. Тl1ere is а crucial meпta l aberration iп thi s last approach tlыt preveпts o ur players fro m trying to surge througl1 gaps in tl1e last minute of rugby games, that l1o lds back o ur cri cket capta iпs from ca lling fo r а п untried p layer to get l1is сh а псе, tl1at stops tl1e n atioпa l soccer team from puttiпg as ide ego for tlыt second breath пeeded to w in ga mes. lt iпforms our tea m selectioп and adds to our tепdе псу to pro l oпg tl1e ca reers of o ld warrio rs. lt amo unts to а fear of losing, when winn iп g sl1ould Ье tl1e preoccupation. This is w here our coaches w i ll еагп their money - Ьу re l eas iпg tl1e winпing imperative iп our sportsme п . These coaches may

поt Ье messiahs,

BENCHMARKS OF SUCCESS

but tl1ey w ill have to sl10w bravery

iп tryiпg to deliver mirac les. rJ

Played

Won

Lost

Drawn

77%

Vince Lombardi, Green Вау Packers (NFL), 1959 - 1969

146

111

76%

Рер Guardiola, FC Barcelona (Spanish FootЬal l), 2008- Present

22 7

164

72%

Phil jackson, Chicago Bulls (NBA), 1989- 201 О

1640

1155

485

70%

Sir Alex Ferguson, Manchester Utd (English Footbal), 1986 - Present

1433

850

254

329

59%

jose Mourinho, Real Madrid (Spanish Footbal), 201 О - Present

APRIL2012

Win %

MISSES APRIL [J'U;ttun k flф/ll;д;lиt; ~/l!Zte;/ll .-.. Tatum and Tanisha Jenzen are fans of Mixed Martial Arts and here at PLAYBOY we think а healthy dose of siЫing rivalry is never а bad thing. Ladies and gentlemen, PLAYBOY South Africa 's very first Twin Playmates of the Month. DouЫe vision, douЫe trouЬie, douЫe ог nothing ...

УМАТЕ

~ЛI\IES:

SHEET

Tatum & Tanisha Jenzen

Bl ST: 34DD

BIRTII

llli.I<;HT: 157cm

0\.ТЕ:

.~\~tHJTI<>I\S:

gym, boxing,

25 March 1991

SIH)E SIZ~: 5 _l\ ElCIJT: 54kg

i_.. I\GEI\JE SJZE: 8

RIR.THPL.\CE: Johannesburg, South Africa - - - -

We have big plans to open our own health & fitness centre , which will offer ММА ,

dance classes including pole-dancing , and

spa.

'T't Н~-() S: Confidence and style. Lots of personality and а good sense of humour.

---

Tt R\-OFFS: Bad attitude and bad fashion sense . ood jol ... but best

Ьу

far is oing to the Vaal River with our family and friends .

Ot R f)RE \ 1 J) \TS: А Саре Town night boat cruise spent drinking Ьее г and watch ing the stars.

1-4 11 .. ~1 (.v. Т\ J\I)BICT'J()\S: Man on Fire, Never Back Down , Crossroads, How l n 1О Days, So You Think You Can Dance .

.\Н SIC,\1 ..

Р \SSL<>~:

Britney Spears, Li 'l Wayne , Drake, Adele.

То

Lose

Guy

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

hy did God create mап before he created womaп{ Beca use he didп 't waпt а п у advice.

п elderly couple had Ьееп datiпg for several moпths wheп

Аthe

mап dec ided to broach the subject of sexua l re latioпs.

hat do diapers апd politiciaпs have iп commoп{They should both Ье chaпged regularl y, а пd for the same reasoп.

пап attempt to sp ice thiпgs up iп the bedroom, а sexual ly

frustrated w ife dec ided to buy а pair of crotchless paпties.

"What are your thoughts оп sex at our age{" he asked teпtati vel y.

That eveпiпg she put them оп uпder а short miпiskirt, sat

"1 like it iпfreque пtl y," she replied.

across from her husbaпd апd crossed апd uпcrossed her

The mап sat quietl y for а few momeпts, adju sted his glasses,

legs wheп eve r he looked her way. After several miпutes of

l eaпed iп closer to her апd said, "Just to c larify, was that опе

this, her husbaпd fiпa ll y asked, "А ге you wea riпg crotchless

word or two{"

uпde rwea r{"

" Yes," she w hi spered seductively. "Oh thaпk God," he rep lied. " 1thought you were s ittiпg оп the cat."

п attractive womaп was s ittiпg а l опе iп а bar w heп а m а п approached her апd offered to buy her а driпk.

" l' m sorry," she said, 'Ъut 1 have а boyfrieпd." 11

Reall y{" the mап replied. "1have а goldfish."

" What does th at have to do w ith aпyt hiпg{" the womaп scoffed. "Oh, l'm sorry" he replied. "1thought we were ta l k iпg about stuff that doesп't matter."

wo g irlfrie пd s were havi п g luп c h о п е day w h eп опе of them started to di sh about her пеw hu sba пd.

" His peпi s is really small, but the sex is abso lutely a maz iп g," she sa id. "So," her fr i eпd sa id, "what you're sayiп g is he's reall y rich." " Exactly" she rep lied .

he morпiпg after atte пdiпg а ho li day work party, а m а п was l y iп g iп bed, пurs iпg а huge h a п gove r, wh eп hi s w ife wa lked

i пtо the room . " What h appeпed last пi ghU" he asked "As usual," she replied, "you made ап ass of yo urse lf iп froпt of yo ur boss ." "1did {" he replied. "Well, he's а tota l j erk aпy h ow, so pi ss оп

him."

ur PLAYBOY Di ctioп ary defiп es "getti п g yo ur head above water" as rece iviп g а Ьlowjob while о п а boat.

" You d id," hi s w ife sa id, "апd he fired you! " " W ell theп, screw him!! " he ye lled. "1did," his w ife respoпded, " апd you са п go back to work

tomorrow

mo rп i п g ."

Send your jokes to partyjokes@playboy.co.za. PLAYBOY wi/1 рау

R 700 to the contributors whose submissions are selected.

"Sorry, sir,

Ьиt

we've run out of mints for your pillow .... "

DVЕ NТ URЕ

You're out in the middle о{ the frozen tundra, deep within the Arctic Circle, mid-way into an Arctic ski race. lt's utterly desolate, ten1peratures are hovering around the ((fooking freezing" region of -40 degrees С, not counting the near-Ьladelike slice of the Arctic gale, and the only people around you are, ironically, not exactly friends in the circumstances, being your competition. Ьу

tlm houghton

buildiпg5

lle la5t time you 5aw wa5 day5 ago, апd tl1e саг5 tl1ey l1ad 5ta пdiпg ~:j• out5ide tlю5e buildiпg5 wеге about а5 muc':h u5e а5 а 5ilk ball-gowп iп а waгtim e 5kiгmi511. Еvеп iп tho5e wагmег clime5 furtheг fгom tl1e pole, tl1e Ьigge5t four-by'5 wеге flummoxed Ьу 50 5imple а ta5k а5 gettiпg to tl1e епd of tl1e dгiveway; car5 doп't гeally woгk out l1еге. Неге, people talk about lыl f tгack5 апd eaгth-moviпg equipmeпt а5 tl1eiг

"daily гide." Whicl1 mеап5 tl1iпg5 doп't гeally hарреп iп much of а hurгy, l'd imagiпe. But wl1at'5 tl1i5 you l1еаг, а5 you tгudge гe5olutely оп into the icy hell? А motoг? Тlыt'5 поt а сhоррег, tl1at 50uпd5 like ... а Toyota Hilux?! А few уеаг5 ago, you'd lыve immediately a55umed you l1ad fiпally 5uccumbed to the deЬi 1itati пg effect5 of tl1e cold, апd 5taгted diggiпg your5elf а 5l1allow gгave to 5раге tl1e otl1eг5 tl1e me55Y bu5iпe55 of 5llooting you. But tl1aпk5 to the effoгt5 of а 5mall Ьапd of mеп fгom tl1e balmy гepuЬiic of l celaпd woгkiпg fог ап outfit called Aгctic Tгuck5, the5e day5 you'll рrоЬаЫу ju5t wave а5 tl1e cook, tl1e саmегаmап апd tl1e medic go tгuпdliпg pa5t оvег а 5urface tl1at'5 а lot like а peppeгmiпt сгi5р de55ert; lot5 of 5oggy blt5, inteг5peг5ed with haгd 5llaгd5 5hагр enougl1 witl1 wl1ich to регfогm 5urgery. Led Ьу the iпtгepid Emil Gгimm5on, tl1i5 Ьапd of Aгctic ехрlогег5 fir5t арреагеd on the гаdаг tl1rougl1 tlю5e mo5t gallant of Engli5ll пumptie5, the Тор Cear tгio of )ez, Dick апd Jim апd tl1eiг exploit5 iп гacing to the Noгth Pole. Aгmed wit/1 ап Aгctic Tгuck-pгepped Hilux АТ Spiгit 38, jeгemy апd Jame5 maпaged поt опlу to knock tl1e pa5tiпg out of Hammoпd, but iп 50 doiпg become tl1e fiг5t people to dгive а саг to the Magпetic Noгth Pole. Let me let you iп оп а 5есгеt: it wa5 mo5tly tl1e vel1icle. Emil 5tarted Aгctic Truck5 а5 ап ассе55огiе5 liпe duriпg l1i5 teпure а5 Pгe5ideпt ofToyota'5

lcelaпdi c operatioп5 during tl1e Niпetie5. Wl1eп

he moved о п fгom that po5itioп, he сlю5е to take l1i5 ассе55о гу liпe and develop it furtl1eг, witl1 tl1e ultimate aim of improviпg uроп tl1e alгeady сараЫе vel1icle5' off гоаd abllity. Naturally, they сlюо5е to focu5 оп а Toyota pгoduct, altl1ough поt ju5t fог the геа5ОП5 you might imagiпe. Siпce 5taгtiпg орегаtiоп5 iп 1995, eпgineeг5 l1ave modified а пumЬег of diffeгeпt maпufactureг'5 vel1icle5, апd lыve fouпd попе to l1ave tl1e rock-5olid reliaЬility апd 5hеег ba511-aЬility in tl1e haг51l апd demandiпg tеггаiп they аге uпiquely 5ituated witl1iп. But what tl1ey do to wl1at i5 widely гegaгded а5 tl1e tougl1e5t bakkie out tl1eгe i5п't exactly а pat оп the back to Мг Toyoda. (Not а mi5-pгiпt; Toyota'5 Pгe5ideпt i5 а МгТоуоdа. Тlю5е quiгky Jap5 ... ) 15poke wit/1 Gi51i Jоп55ОП , tl1e man bel1ind de5igning thi5 iпcгediЬie macl1iпe: " WI1at we 5ау i5 we buy а пiсе buпcl1 of рагt5 fгom Toyota, апd tl1eп we thгow mo5t of tl1em away!" l1e quipped. "Wiыt we do i5 we take the froпt, апd cut away eveгythiпg from the load Ьох back, and 5tart agaiп." Тl1i5 mеап5 а compгel1en5ive гe-woгkiпg of the entiгe laddeг clla55i5 to lih tl1e 5u5pen5ioп, alteгed mounting poiпt5 fог tl1e body to allow cleaгance fог tllo5e епогmоu5 ballooп wheel5 (eacl1 а whoppiпg Збkg!) апd makiпg 5расе for tl1e heavy-duty dгive traiп and diffeгeпtial upgгade5. They move tl1e саЬ back 60 mm and the геаг axle back 1бOmm, yet coпtгive to make а саг that look5 5hогtег tlып 5tandaгd, de5pite IJeiпg оvег 400 mm loпger. Т11е5е "tгuck5" а/5о соте equipped with onboaгd air соmрге55ОГ5 to гegulate tyre pгe55ure, GPS пavigatioп, commuпication5 5y5tem5, uprated electrical 5y5tem5 incorpoгatiпg extra batteгie5, ma55ive гoll Ьаг5 in the eveпt of eitheг dumpiпg it оп it5 lid ог falliпg into а сгеvа55е, а сгаnе ... Hell it сап еvеп l1ave а kitchen 5iпk if you 5pecify опе! Yet for all of tl1e additional baggage it i5 --~

DV Е NТ UR Е COOL .AS TRUCK

Arctic Trucks' engineers have modified а number of d ifferent man ufactu rer's vehicles, and have found none to have the rocksolid reliability and sheer bash-ability in the harsh and demanding terrain they are uniquely situated within. гequiгed to сапу, the fini5hed veh icle weigh5 а 5cant 200kg mоге than the 5tandaгd vaгi ant, which i5 utteгly flabbeгga5ting. The 5ta nda гd poweгtгain of а 3 .0-litгe common-гail die5el doe5 duty up fгont, i5 l egendaгi l y гeli a Ьie and quite happy to гun on the diet of А 1 jet-fuel they feed it, and it tгап 5fег5 it5 роwег to а 5pec ially developed dual -tгaп5feг са5е. Fог tho5e of you who doп 't 5peak 4х4, it i5 ba5ica lly а Ьох of gеа г5 between your motoг апd your gеа гЬох that a lteг5 the гelation5hip betweeп the two, effectively giving the dгiveг thгee d iffeгent 5-5peed automatic gearboxe5 in one саг. Now, 5eeing а5 gеагЬохе5 аге гea ll y ju5t саг eng iп eeг5 admitting they've bu ilt а гubbl5h motoг (thiпk about that; e l ectгi c саг5 гeq uiгe on ly one 5peed becau5e they аге mu ch mоге efficient at pгoduc ing theiг роwег оvег а wi deг poweгband), hav ing the equiva lent of 15 gеаг5 i5 mighty handy if you find your5elf in а Ьit of а 5pot iп а va5t pot of meltiпg ice cream. Now, Ьу thi5 point you've ргоЬаЫу гeali5ed that thi5 i5п 't 50 much а l aundгy li 5t of рагt5 а5 а total гe-woгking of the entiгe vehic le. Th i5 i5 made even more impre55ive Ьу the fact that al l of the component5 and cha55i5 upgгade5, like the tгan5feг Ьох above and the diff, are made in-hou5e Ьу Aгctic Tгu ck5 them5e lve5. Utili 5ing loca l experti5e fгom around 80 5 uppli eг5, they de5ign and machine 5tuff to th e iг level of 5tгength . То give anotheг examp le, that'5 like deciding уоu г bed i 5п't Ьig e п ough , but iп 5tead of buying а Ьi gge г one you make the e ntiгe thing your5elf, out of petrified tгее5 апd diamoпd 5. lt'5 а mo numental effoгt, and indi cative of the pathologica l level of eng ineeгing that ha5 gone into еvегу one of theiг product5. Patho logical fог а геа5оn, though. O ut here in the5e extгeme coпdition 5, thing5 5top. Perfectly good e l ectгoni c5 ju5t сеа5е to function, it can take an hour and а half to boi l five 1itгe5 of wate г and the toughe5t 5teel man make5 today become5 50 bгitt l e that it сап lo5e up to 90% of it5 impact 5tгe п gth , making it no 5tгongeг than haгd p la5tic i5 in our n oгma l tempeгature5. Add to thi5 the vегу геа l гi5k of гunning into а bunch of live, fu lly grown ро l а г Ьеаг5, who, according to Gi5li, а ге " very vегу 11 c l eveг, c uriou 5 and quite aggгe55 i ve ! Thi 5 i5 why the гe а ге guп h o l 5teг5 down the 5ide5 of the vehi c le. lt'5 not redneck chic. "They аге very good at 5nea kiпg up on you, making no noi5e, and they know to go fог the tent...11

But fun пil y enough, the Ьigge5t fеаг out hеге i5 ice crack5 . No, not 5now fгeezing

between your buttcheek5; сгеvа55е5. You kпow 5omething i5 5сагу when а Ьig burly Viking chap who doe5n't look afгaid of anything look5 you in the еуе with геаl fеаг on hi5 face and 5ау5, "Man, but tho5e thing5 аге 5сагу... " The ргоЫеm hеге i5 (а) GPS po5itioning and tгacking doe5n't woгk when the 5atel lite5 can't 5ее you, (Ь) mo5t creva55e5 аге wedge5haped and murdeгou5ly deep, and (с) it'5 mada5faгking hell-impo55iЬie to get back out again unle55 5omeone el5e i5 гight theгe, and ha5 not fallen on top of you. We аге talking 3-ki l ometгe-thick ice here people; they ргоЬаЫу doп 't make а горе l oпg enough to pu ll you back out again if you hit the bottom. So Aгctic Tгu c k5 u5e а combo of а Ьit of McGuyveгing and а 5pot of high tech. They u5e а 5pecial, boom-mounted гadar to "5mell 11 creva55e5 Ьеfоге they arri ve at them, allowing them to map а гoute onto а GPS data l oggeг 50 they know wheгe it'5 5afe, although with con5tantl y 5hifting ice th i5 i5 not alway5 accurate, if not c urгent data. Hence, the McGuyveг: they attach а tгiangulated 11 "с геvа55е protection Ьаг, whi ch protгude5 about а meteг fгom the front of the са г, and hook5 up on the fаг wa ll to pгevent the whole са г tipping in when the front wheel5 Ьгеаk through! Cгude, but effective. And it douЬie5 а5 а mounting point fог the 5imple l eveг crane, which сап Ье u5ed with the winch fог ге5сuе5, а5 we ll а5 loading and unloading of сагgо. lп fact, the w hole McGuyveг thing гing5 tгue thгoughout. Thi5 i5 the kind of саг cobЬied togetheг with chew ing gum wгapper5, 5uckeг 5tick5 апd duct tape Ьу Chuck Norri5, the be5t effort5 of the A-team апd the McDaddy comblпed. 1 mеап, it еvеп come5 w ith guп5 on the 5ide! No саг come5 with guп 5 оп the 5ide... that'5 comi c book 5tuff. Thi 5 i5 а рrорег l1его'5 саг, поt а рапсу " look at me" 5uрегсаг but а Ьi g, 5wea гiп g, Ыoody-no5e of а thing. ju5t Ьу look iп g at it, you kпow you wi ll give up Ьеfо ге it wi ll. And it'5 eco-fг i e пdl y. Well ... ju 5t h еа г me out. Coп5 umpti oп оп the 3,5 00-metгe- hi g h p lateau iп Antaгcti ca from whe гe they ju5t гесе пtlу гeturned, hav iпg 5upported an extгe me 5ki гасе, wa5 an eye-wate гing 50-1itгe5/1 00 km. Thi5 5ub5ide5 5omewhat а5 one head5 for the thi ckeг а iг of the coa5t, but you mu5t Ье thinking l' m on the p5ychedelic5 fог thinking that i5 economica l. H oweveг, the on ly othe г foгm 5 of tгa n 5poгt out hеге аге bulldozeг5 and tгacked pi 5te-ba5 h eг5, wh ich а ге indu 5tгi a l equipment with con5umption figure5 five time5 that of the bakkie5. Add to thi5 the much Ьiggeг гa nge of the wheeled vehic le5 оvе г the tгack one5, and their fаг 5 upeгi o r 5peed, and 5uddenly they become inva luaЫ e bea5t5 of burdeп and ге5сuег5 of men. When you factoг in th at an a iгlift co5t5 € 150,000, it'5 а no-bгa ine г. Thu 5, Aгctic Tгu c k5 а ге now the go-to guy5 whe п it come5 to modeгn tгan5port in the Aгcti c and Anta гcti c w a5teland5, and а ге becoming in cгea5 ing l y popu l aг in the 5andy oi l co uпtгie5 too, whe гe the con5umption5 figure5 mu5t Ье co n 5 ideгed ent iгe l y геа5оnа Ые. That 5aid they

72 РLАУВОУ

aгen't exactly cheap. The 4х4 АТ 44 veг5 i on co5t €1 00,000, whi le theiг newly-developed бхб i5 your5 for an entiгe l y геа5оnаЫе €150,000, depending on final 5pecification. Look, you get а HELL of а lot of саг for your money, а tгue go-anywh eгe, and 1 really do mean a nywheгe, capabllity. Thi5 thing make5 any Hummeг look like а cheap рагtу tгick. So геmеmЬег, а5 you соте 5kiing in at night, 5pent from the exeгtion 5 of the day, that welcome 5ight of the cook bu5y at hi5 pot5 and the medic w ith hi5 pa in-ki lling dгug5 ju5t wou ld not Ье theгe if it weгen 't fог the Aгctic Tгuck5 Toyota Hilux that brought them. Right there, гight then, that welcome 5ight might ju5t move а gгown man to tеаг5 ... rJ

photography Ьу getty/gallo images

РLАУВОУ

Ьу

morcel onders

In this exclusive interview, Diamond Dave talks about his first Van Halen album in 28 years, the radical changes in the band's attitude and chemistry, the upcoming world tour, his legendary jumps (and back proЬlems) as well as women, religion, and the US presidential elections.

Q1 PLAYBOY (РВ) : How was it working on а new Van Halen album for the first time in 28 years? David Lee Roth (DLR): Nothiпg has chaпged. W e've worked together periodically. lt's like mi xiпg fuel for а racecar. Ultimately you' ll fiпd the right recipe for w hat motivates апd compels you iпdiv idua lly а пd as ап епsеmЫ е. Апd th at са п Ье somethiпg as simple as how much do you appreciate this опе~ The aпswer is geпera lly а w hole fuck iпg lot more thaп 1 used to. 1 used to hate goiпg iпto the studio because 1perceived it rather like а test iп school . lt would Ье much the same. 1perceived of it as а microscope that would reveal imperfecti oп. Today, 1am most revered for ту imperfectioпs. l' m like your favourite pair of jeaпs - they're поt perfect, l'm sure. l' m like your favourite leather jacket - it's поt braпd п еw. Апd the more worп iп it is, the more prized it becomes iп our culture. Апd it's the same for Vaп Наl еп iп their playiпg. Coпsequeпtly there's more depth. 1 thiпk there's more gravity. We've coпfroпted our mortality апd have returпed w ith album iп h aпd (laughs).

Q2 РВ: So it's age and experience that brought you to this poinH DLR: Clearly. There's а thiп liпe perhaps

DLR: W ell, we сап go soпg Ьу soпg. Тhere is а vague seпse of humour, but it's adult iп every seпse of the word. Еvеп though w e're siпgiпg

about tattoos, we explore some of the differeпt cultures that tattooiп g iпtersects w ith. 1 kпow for а fact that iп the US easily 75% of all tattoo customers today are womeп. Апd you сап watch swap-meet Sally (а swap-meet is like goiпg to а сопvепi епсе store) get а simple tattoo апd she turпs from а mousewife iпto а momshell. What is the psychology of that~ Perhaps for the first time she's telliпg the truth iпstead of preteпdiпg false virtue. Alterпatively, there are times wheп you doп 't waпt to рау atteпti oп to lyrics at all .

РВ: However, there are parts where you are just having fun. Like in that line: 11 lf you want to Ье а monk, you got to cook а lot of rice ... " DLR: W ell, it meaпs hard work. You waпt to

Ье а moпk, it meaпs you got to get used to very

austere, hard work. lf you waпt to play li ke Eddie Vап Наl еп , it is eпdless, miпd-пumЬiпg practice.

lf you wa пt to perfo rm like this Ьапd, w e have Ьее п rehearsiпg three days а week for four moпths iп preparatioп for this tour. Most perfo rmers iп o ur bracket would rehearse for six weeks. We're cookiпg а lot of rice (chuckles).

Q6 РВ:

And driving with an Asian model is like Kabala - but it's for free"? QЗ

РВ: Have you put the guys through boot camp - at least mentally? Or how did you make them sound just like they used to? DLR: W hat we did was full circ le. lп theatre,

there is а term called "off book." lt meaпs simply that you по l oпger have to read the script. Yo u have iпterпa lised it. Опе of the reasoпs that first albums fo r most arti sts are so superb апd theп there's а slow deceпt from there is because they were "off book" оп that first album. Subseq ueпtl y, people would go iпto the studio, w rite the lyrics апd record it there. W e didп 't play the studi o. We tra iпed а пd prepped а пd rehearsed for huпdreds of hours uпtil it was Shakespeare. You сап't thiп k of w hat is пехt if you're goiпg to do Shakespeare. Сап you really play the soпg from start to fiпish w itho ut the епhапсеmепt of Pro Tools~ Сап you actually s iпg w hat it is you're s iпgiпg or is that а fabricatioп ~ So for us it was а full c irc le: w hat you're heariпg is very much live iп the studio . Апd that is coпseq ueпtl y w hat you' ll hear оп the road .

Q4 РВ: But А Different Кind of Truth does have the spirit of the early Van Halen records, doesn't iH lt's about women, cars, tattoos, having fun and getting yourself in danger - instead of drinking milk, driving Nissans, and being in relationships?

i s l aпd - w hile you w ere оп your way from опе place to a пother, culturally or musically. Wheп we were flavour of the week the first time the world was оп а w ild ride from Studio 54 апd Saturday Night Fever а пd steamiпg hot across the сhаппе l towards the world of the Sex Pistols апd The Clash . Not а bad fiпa l destiпatioп either. Апd Vа п На l еп music, Vап Н а l еп recreati oп, Vап На lеп climate, everythiпg that you eпcouпtered оп our is l aпd had virtually пothiпg to do w ith a пythiпg else that was popular. W e were пever cool. W e're поt cool today. Nevertheless it is such а sigп ature souпd . 1doп 't kпow апуЬоdу else that souпds like us.

betweeп rage апd great work iп the eп semЬie. We

still rage.

itself or what's the idea? DLR: Vап Н аlеп was always ап

DLR: W ell, you're quotiпg out of coпtext: " lf the а пс i епt rabЬi said to me: lt's а lot like Kabala, Dave, but for you it's free." O ur perceptioп frequeпtly of spiritual pursuit is skewed Ьу the price tag. Sometimes iп America we judge it Ьу the price tag. Тhere are some artists w ho beпefit the product they eпdorse. Fra пk S iпatra eпdorses а scotch апd he leпds it class. Today, if Absolut Vodka eпdorses ап uпkпоwп act, we determiпe that's а Ьig product, assume it must Ье а п i mportaпt or а very cool act. Апd the truth is, you kпow, the opposite. Frequeпtly we judge the quality of а пеw religioп Ьу the price tag. Апd from w hat 1 uп derstaпd Kabala comes w ith а substa пti a l опе.

Q9 РВ:

But it sounds surprisingly fresh after 28 years, doesn't it? DLR: Yes! W ell, there are пеw iпflueпces. You сап опl у get worse if you attempt to remaiп deliberately youпg апd look опlу iп опе directioп. Тhere's Ьееп а lot of life here. Апd 1thiпk it's iп the performaпce а пd iп the souпd itself, the саге iп terms of the souпd : how does that drum souпd~ N ot: w hat is he playiпg but how does it souпd~ The souпd of ту voice is поt а choice а producer made, 1 made it. Li steп to the begiппiпg of "Tattoo" : iп the very first chorus at the top of the soпg it's completely Jasoп Derulo, it's Rihaппa, it's Ьееп Auto-Tuпed а пd backward echoed to death. 'Cause 1love that stuff.

Q 10 Plus you've got а young kid оп bass now. Does Wolfgang bring some fresh air into this ensemЫe, as you call it, as well? DLR: No! Tryiпg keep up w ith Vа п Н а l еп is а РВ:

task that's goiпg to take somebody years to do. Тhе ki пd of music that we play is about the brothers апd myself. We weпt to school together fo r theory а пd orchestrati oп, we weпt to the college of musical kпowledge а пd played for five years i п the clubs апd the sa looпs апd the backyard parties together. Апd we w rote every soпg that we used to рау the reпt together. We are а oпe-trick ропу. lt's а hell of а trick (chuckles), but there's опlу опе (laughs).

Q7 РВ: МауЬе

you should start your own religion or sect then - the Church of Rotbl DLR: O h, we may have. W hat is а rel igioп ~ lt са п Ье football, it сап Ье а political premise, it сап Ье me. Му re ligioп, if 1had to say, was fiпdiпg

myself iп other people's eyes апd i deпtifyiпg th at iп the music, ideпtifyiпg that iп w hat 1do as ап artist. Апd perhaps w hat 1do iп my off time.

Q8 РВ:

What about А Different Кind of Truth for а title? 1 know it's а line from 11 Bullethead," but is it meant in the sense of letting the music speak for

APRIL2012

Q 11 РВ: However, you've tried to rejoin Van Halen at least twice - in 1996 and 2000 - but it didn't work. ls this third time lucky or is this meant to lasH DLR: 1like the im perma пeпt. 1 like teпs ioп . Wheпever thiпgs get too comfortaЫ e it becomes somethiпg other thaп compelliпg. lt becomes somethiпg that is equiva leпt to comfort food. 1 like somethiпg that is ап eпcouпter. А пd 1

like the threat of the clock. Wheп you watch а box iпg match most people thiпk there are опlу

two орропепts iп the riпg, you forget the c lock.

l'm like your favourite JUMP! leather jacket - it's not b rand new. And the more worn in it is, the more prized it becomes. And the clock can beat both of them. Let's invoke that in order to create some tension, some conflict. This is а band that's lived hard, and has worked even harder. Му back doctor says 1 shou ld have thrown in the towel years ago (chuckles). And Van Halen is а competitive value, in every respect. We're not here for an exhibltion, there's no ironic w ink of the еуе or nudge of the elbow.

Q 12 РВ:

So а Jerry Spriпger-style fight is still ап

optioп?

DLR: No. This isn't television. That's w hy l' m sti 11 around 3 7 summers later. There is а Ьig difference. А great deal of Rock ' n' Roll has become а parody of itself. lt's а great way for us and the aud ience to feel as proprietors. Van Halen is the band that has not been co-opted Ьу any neighbourhood. Not the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, not Rolling Stone magazine, not the Grammy's, not the Super Bowl. You don't see us o n the red carpet. ln а world w here the rebels sell and the backwards baseball hat and the hand sign is а specific neighbourhood, Van Halen still remains an entirely separate island. And what do you think, w hat is art? lt's as simple as something that co mpels you to thought. Televisio n is not; it compels you to buy products. W hen you get to the good work you are compelled to questio n eternally.

РВ:

Q 13 1had to travel to Aпaheim

iп 2007 to get а hold of the reuпioп tour. Will you take this album arouпd the globe or are you just coпceпtratiпg оп the US опсе more? DLR: There's been а lot of changes, even а lot of updates in the band. This is the ba nd that thought we would go p lay the Cafe Wha? in G reenw ich Village, а p lace that small , that far downtown, and encounter the press from 20 feet away w ithout а production. Of course ! lf we have gone there, we can go anywhere. The band is red hot, we have been rehearsing for months. And we are club ready. Seri ously, that's w hat makes the best arena show. 1 can fu ll y see Europe, j apan and Austra lia on future hori zons. And 1 w ill imagine that this w ill happen at some point.

Q 14 РВ: Does performiпg still hurt?

DLR: O nly w hen l' m awake! (laughs) There never was а time, there never was а time w hen it didn't hurt. 1 remember 20 years ago asking one of my Kung Fu instructors if it would stop hurting and he to ld me: "No." But it w ill ultimately look а little better progressively. Perhaps that's part of w hat makes it look

compelling. lt's part of w hat makes playing compelling. W hen it doesn't hurt, you don't quite fight as hard. Perhaps it forces one to focus that much more. Тhere's my medical answer (laughs).

only can we design and build it, but (chuckles) 1 can tell you how many trucks it w ill take to get it to your city.

РВ:

Q 15 РВ: Are you still jumpiпg оп stage, or is that somethiпg you саппоt do aпymore simply

because of age or раiп? DLR: There is an adolescent whinging that most rock musicians seem to cling to. A nd it looks kind of funny. Sort of like jo kes that were hilarious 20 years ago that aren't funny now. Or certain dance moves from 20 years ago that are kind of а joke now w hen you see them. O r certain haircuts you were wearing 30 years ago. And you go: "W hat the hell was 1 thinking?" 1 can cling to specifics, simply because they're part of the past that's dangerous. 1 think the energy and the capacity certainl y remains. But there needs to Ье an update to it.

Q 16 РВ: Апd takiпg Kool & The Gaпg оп tour with you - that's quite ап odd choice, doп't you thiпk? DLR: lt's а left turn . Van Halen appeals to а w hole lot of neighbourhoods. Heavy metal is only one of them. Kool & The Gang represents perhaps to us w hat Clarence meant to Springsteen in his audience. lt's also the sounds of American celebration for several decades' worth. You couldn't get through а spring break, а vacation, а burial, а wedding, а picnic of any kind w ithout heari ng one of these acts. Uhm ... we have chairs Ьecause half o ur audience are women. So we don't do animal seating. But we might as well not have chairs, because nobody sits dow n w hile we're on.

Q 17 РВ: ls it true you're workiпg оп the follow up to Crazy From Тhе Heat, your autoblography, iпcludiпg your favourite chilli recipes? DLR: No! 1 am focused entirely on w hat we're workin g w ith here. Everything that you w i 11 experience o n the road right down to the shoelaces is art centric here. And that's 100% involvement. We did not have а stage designer, 1 did it. 1 went down to the constructor's and laid it out on their grids. We oversee virtually every department, includ ing the logistics of the tour. "Wiыt day do we play Madison Sq uare Garden on?" is part of the language w e have learned to speak l1ere in Van Halen. For the first half of our enti re career, thi s was а band that was living off of а doll ar and а quarter. We were splitting that four ways. We l1ad to learn these languages. Т11е on ly thi ng we had to 1ive o n was the 1ive show and it compelled us to learn to do all of those things. Not

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Q 18 1 пееd to coпfroпt you with this great

quote of yours: "The perfect womaп has ап IQ of 150, waпts to make love uпtil 4:00 iп the morпiпg апd theп turпs iпto а pizza." ls that still valid? DLR: 1 think it's leftover from the 80s. W hen 1 was а child 1 thought as а child, you know? 1 think her IQ would рrоЬаЫу Ье up aro und 162 now. Uhm ... pizza, let's Ье heart smart - 1 would go w ith Thai food. (laugh ing) l' m а little more demanding.

Q 19 РВ: But it's still а topic to have fuп with though? DLR: Oh certainly. 1think you w ill always muse about w ho is listening to your music or for w hom you're w riting your words for. W hen you're composing on а guitar, you are thinking of w ho is in that audience watching yo u. And for most hard rock fans, o r most heavy metal artists, they're thinking of audiences that are mostly guys. Anytime you see fists in the air, that's for guys! However, do you think 1ever wore yellow anything for fellas? (chuckl es) lt just happens to you. W ho you think of w hen you are recording and composing and rehearsing is not something you choose.

Q 20 РВ: The US presideпtial electioп is comiпg

up, wouldп't it Ье time for Presideпt Roth? DLR: No! 1 think it's а responsibllity that requires а different kind of focus. You have to Ье respons iЬie to various neighbourhoods of people, particularly in these trying times. Ah ... the only thing that we have to Ье accountaЫ e to as an artist is to accurately and ho nestly demonstrate а ... 1 don't know w hat would you call it? W here your mind is at w ithout false pretences, w ithout masks. On the other hand, o nce you wear а mask you can really Ье yourself. lsn't that w hat Bono did w hen he was The Fly, or w hatever? 1don't know. 1'11 start the next show w ith "l'm Not Myse lfТonight," but then w ho is? (chuckl es) rJ

"Sometliing Ьig was coming. 1he horizon went Ьlack as the waves Ьlocked out the sky."

D R Е NА L I N Е SURFING

e were surfing out at Dungeons, the Ьig wave surf spot at the base of The Sentinel Mountain in Hout Вау. 1 was sitting on my Ьig wave board, а 10-foot 4-inch long Ьig wave gun that 1 had borrowed from Hawaiian surfer, Jamie Sterling. Му heart was smashing into my chest after а serious beat down. 1 had ventured into the breaking zone, and а sneaker set had popped up out of nowhere, broken in front of те, and а ton of whitewater had sent me careering madly for the bottom of the ocean. 1 had surfaced, without а trace of breath left in my dirty lungs, and w ithout an ounce remaining of the false bravado that had inspired me to go out there in the first place, to trick me into thinking 1 had what it takes to surf the Ьiggest waves in Africa. 1 didn't. So 1 sat on my board and watched.

into а snowstorm of whitewater. lt was the smile of someone accepting the in ev itaЫe. " For me it's not about those last moments that help you over the edge because Ьу that time everything that you have done before takes over and it becomes pure instinct," says Twiggy, the most accomp li shed and successfu l Ьig wave surfer in South Africa. "What matters to me is the preparation you have put in beforehand that gives you the confidence in your aЬi lity, fitness and equipment. This, comЬined w ith as much experience in waves of consequence you can get, gives you the mental confidence to put your head down and fully commit as you turn to paddle for а huge wave." Still, the ocean is а variaЬie and а master, and no matter how much prep work and training you do, things can sti ll go wrong for the

The first wave was an evil looking thing. lt was а thick wall of dark water, ruffled Ьу the wind, and it didn't look like it wanted to Ье ridden.

Something Ьi g was coming. The hori zon went Ы ас k as the waves Ыoc ked out the sky. When Ьig wave surfers spot а rea lly Ьi g set coming, there is а strange dichotomy of emotions that run through them. Surv ival instinct tells them to padd le to the safety of deep water as fast as poss iЬi e, to get as far away from the approaching waves as they can. Courage, Ьig wave experience and ocean knowledge tells them to stay put, to remain calm, to place themselves in the correct position for the approachi ng waves. Depending on how their brains deal with the i mpend i ng danger, and how they respond to their instinctua l fight-or-flight response, makes them ski lled Ьig wave surfers. lt's not easy. No one wants а 20-foot wave to break on top of him or her, and no one li kes to Ье held under water for а long time. People drown. The first wave was an evil looking thing. lt w as а thick wal l of dark water, ruffled Ьу the wind, and it didn 't look li ke it wanted to Ье ridden. The crew paddled over it, some of them looking back down the wave as it passed under them. The second wave of the set looked dangerous as w ell . lt w as а long wave, without the tapering w all that showed а direct route to the relative safety of the deepwater channel. А lone surfer turned and started paddling hard for it, w ith long and firm strokes of his arms as he scooped the w ater to get his board going. lt was а few seconds of hard padd ling, and he had ca ught the w ave and started his descent down this triple-story beast. As he was dropping down the wave he looked up at the wave chasing him, just in time to see а mountain of whitewater rearing over his head. The spectators in the media boat all started screaming as this surfer stood upright, racing down the wave. Before it totally engulfed him 1 saw under hi s w etsuit hood that it was Grant "Twiggy" Baker, and he had а faint smile on hi s face as he di sappeared

most skilled Ьig wave surfer. Mark Foo, Todd Chesser, Donny Solomon and Sion Milosky аге four famous Ьi g wave surfers who lost their lives surfing Ьig waves. Twiggy knows the risks аге rea l, having experienced it first-hand. " 1was surfing in Mexico at Puerto Esco ndido in Мау 201О w hen а good friend of mine, Noel RoЬinson, drowned," recall s Twig. " Н е had а bad fall and knocked himself unco nscious on his board and because we don 't use leashes at that spot he disappea red in the wh ite water. We frantica lly looked for him but just cou ldn't find him and all the whi le we knew that time was running out and the feeling was of complete hopelessness and dread. 1 eventually found his body an hour later, out the back of the break. Br inging his limp body to the beach wi ll always Ье something that haunts me. RIP Noel, alw ays in our thoughts." Twiggy reckons l1e l1as anotl1er 1О years in him at the forefront of global Ьig wave s urfiпg and exploration. For that time he plans оп puttiпg his head dowп апd padd liпg hard, over the precipice, regardless of the coп seq ue nces .

GRANT "TWIGGY" BAKER RESULTS 2006-2012 • Red Bull Big Wave Africa Winner,

Саре Town.

• Mavericks lnvitational Winner, 2nd Place, California. • Quiksilver Punta Lobos lnvitational Winner, Chile. • Billabong XXL Ride of the Year Winner, worldwide • Billabong XXL Biggest Wave Winner, worldwide • Billabong XXL Performance of the Year Winner, worldwide

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TWIGGY'S DATE PLAYBOY PLAYMATE КАТЕ LOVEMORE lt's а tough day in the office w hen you're standing о п the beach filming surfers in your Ьikini , but such is life. Tw iggy's partner is n оп е

otl1er th a п PLAYBOY's M arcl1 Pl aymate of the Moпtl1 , Kate Lovemore.

PLAYBOY: How did you and Twiggy meet? Kate: Tw iggy eyed me across the pool taЬie at joe Kools in Durban and c laimed he recognised me from а promotion 1 had d оп е the previous уеа г at one of hi s kiteboarding contests iп Umhlanga. Н е even me пtio ned the outfit 1 had been wearin g! А couple of tequil as later а пd he had started to w iп my hea rt. We we пt to the Durban jul y together а couple months later where we officially became an item. PLAYBOY: How long have you been together? Kate: lt's been eight-and-a-half years, and our anniversa ry is оп tl1e day of t he july. 1 tl1iпk the w inning ingredient is tl1at we have allowed each other to grow as iпd i vi d u a l s а пd supported each other's achi evements along the way. We both love travelli ng а пd meetiп g new peopl e and share tl1e same love and passion for the ocea n. PLAYBOY: What does your current job working with Twiggy entail? Kate: 1 trave l th e wo rld w ith Tw iggy and f ilm the guys surfing Ьi g waves as we ll as kit in g and SU P (stand-up paddleboa rdin g). lt's а to ugh day i n the offi ce w hen you're sta ndin g о п th e beach filmin g surfers in your Ьikiпi , but such is li fe . Besides be ing а v ideograp her 1 am also an interi or designer fo r Lovemore's Cupboa rd Sl1oppe w here we des ign and m a пu fact ure c ustom made kitc h e п s, wa lk in c losets etc. Every wom e п 's drea m to have а gorgeo us kitc h e п and а Sex i п tl1e City type wardrobe. ~fr4~~(!] PLAYBOY: Tell us а

1 secret about Twig that

• по one knows. • ~ Kate: No, sorry. А lady

~w ".J:ililllllll:!il~

11 8~!1

,...,._I/Г_-.... n

... .·. .

n~~~~

APRIL201 2

never divulges her man's secrets. 1 would have to kill you jf 1 told you. r.J

Е Х

ASIC&TELL

PLA'YBO'Y

•

VISOГ A

fter two years of torture 1 am finaJJy divorced and starting to date agajn. Му question is: How young сал 1 go? 1 read that the formula is your age divided Ьу two, plus thr~. l'm 46, so that would allow me to go out with а 26-year-old. There's а 28-year-old who wants to sleep with me, but l've been shying away because of the age difference. What do you think? - JB, Northriding Are you kidding? She's Ьееn legal for 1О yea rs. No matter what the age difference, the challenge of a ny relationship that starts like this is finding something in common besides your mutuaJ interest in sex. But that doesn't sound like а concern for you поw.

wife ha.s made it clear she can live without ~х, so for the past four years 1 have been finding partners online. 1 even have an online wife (she's also married), who attends swinger parties with me. Our relatior,ship is purely physical, and \Ve always practice safe sex. Му real wife is unsuspecting, though l'm sure sbe wonders \vhy 1 no longer bug hcr ior sex. Now she wants u to attend coun ·elling to address our sexual dysfunction. She say shc ha.s Ьееn а horrible partner. t'm not convinced counselling will changc anything, and it could easily expose my alternatc life and jeopardise my marriage, which 1 want to preserve for our two kids. Aside from the lack of sex, our life together is pretty satisfying. We have run into а couple of my girlfriends, but they asst1me my wife is another one of them, so it's kept under wraps. WЬat should 1 doJ - JR, Fresnaye

• •

Your wife w ill figure this out eventual ly, if she hasn't already. You сап either take charge of the situation or let it unravel uпti l it reaches its inevi taЬie messy conclusioп. lf you are truly concemed aЬout your kids living i п а twopare nt home, you will need to make sacrifices. Тhat means putting your alternative reality on hold while you focus оп preservi ng the one your fa mily lives iп. lf your "vife is wil li ng to meet you halfway, the marriage has a lready improved. Seize the opportunity.

o p~oplc need !iex? Му friend says he

doe n't, yet he masturbates. l~n't that а n d ror сх? - FJ, Johanncshurg People do need sex. You r friend's masturbatioп involves fantasy, wh ich reflects his need for iпtimacy. We са п survive without that, but it's а life less lived. Some people w ill argue that we need sex only to reproduce, but now that сап Ье done in а lab. Fucking for no blological reasoп is what makes us human. ln that sense, we пееd it bad .

nipples are one of my major erogenous J'Oncs, second only to my clitoris. 1 сап almost climax from stimulation of my nipplcs alone. Тhе proЬicm i , m)' nipples are rather insE"nsitive to light or normal touch. 1 like to attach clips to my nipples or fivist them hard, burn them lightly with candle wax or rougl' them up witt1 sandpaper. 1 found that if 1 do this prior to sex with my boyfriend, n1y nipples are so sensitive 1 can feel every touch and suck. The next day they're slill so sen itivc 1 can hardly

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keep my hands off mysclf, and frankly, 1 do not try. Am 1 doing permancnt damage to myseiН

КС,

Port Alfred А whi le ago we got а letter from а guy who masturbated w ith sandpaper. Не asked if he had а proЬiem. We said "Yes, but not for long." Apparently, he coпsu lted а sex therapist who cured him of the hablt Ьу switchiпg to lighter grades of sa п dpaper, velvet, then а woman. Н е sti ll gets а hard-on every time he passes the hardware store, and hc spends ап inord inate amount of time watching DIY shows. You are abu s i пg your body, but so does every persoп who runs а marathon, mounts а Sta irMaster o r p lays tenn is. Аге sexual injuries the same as athletic injuries? lt's your call. Doctors would probaЬ i y tel l you that sex is li ke medici ne: above all, do no harm. All you've done is fouпd а dramatic way to amplify the signa ls goiпg to the bra iп.

girlfriend just wcnt on thc pill. HO\V long should we wait bcfore 1 stop using

condoms~

- KW, Oiepkloof Wait until she's gone through one monthly cycle of pills. Кеер in mind that even with perfect use (and only aЬout а qua rter of women manage that), up to five women in 1000 get pregnant within а year. With imperfect use, the number rises to as many as seven in 100. lf your girlfriend misses а dose (she takes а pill for the first 21 of every 28 days, followed Ьу а placebo), use а backup method for at least seven days of active pills. fl

"1n t h.tS game, every ь оdу wtns .. ....1"

Open wide, relox Ьу

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erla-mart dledertcks

so~

was first introdu ced to ana l sex

w hat yo u're do ing о г she w ill Ье once

at the age of 19 Ьу а Lebanese boyfri end ho nour-bo und to keep my

prodded , tw ice shy. "Two words," says my male fri end the A nal

th at you can't simply barge in th ere and go bananas . You need to navigate the w indwa rd passage G ENTLY into th e d ark

v irginity intact. The deed occ urred on а hot summer's ni ght in hi s parent's hou se

Annihilator. "Patience. And lubrication. You w ill need lots and lots of both."

and storm y ni ght.

in Bloemfontein w hile hi s grandmother shuffled down th e co rrido r. 1 am still

1 go online and read а how -to-manual o n anal sex. First o ne fin ger. Then two .

w indwa rd passages of peo pl e's op ini o ns, fea rs and fantas ies. M ost of my women

sli gl1tl y ana l about the w hol e thing. After а few nea r mi sses and hits, 1

O n and o n you progress until she is rea dy to co ugh and ta ke the full brunt of yo ur

fri end s say they have tried it, but that

fin all y ca me to th e co nc lu sio n that

manhood . 1 menti o n thi s to my anti-anal

anal sex i s like o lives o r w hi skey. lt

f riends. То stir the pot, so to spea k.

abo ut the ro le-pl ay ing that it suggest s. They hu skil y tell me about the eroti c i sm

is an acquired taste. lt could eve n Ье so mething yo u have to grow into. Nooo o o ... says а fri end w ho dishes it up like а treat fo r her hu sband o nce in а w hil e - you mu st RE LAX into it.

"Come on, ladies. Just lube it and try it. You never know ..." 1 say.

it is not as mu ch abo ut pl eas ure as it is

of submis sion, of forcefulness and being overpowe red . Sti 11 1 keep on as ki ng,

1 unleash а tirade.

proЬin g passages that sho uld not Ье

Fri end O ne shri eks: " 1 am а sissy ! Eve n

p robed .

if my surn ame is Lubrication 1 w ill not

A h! That so unds easy enough. О г is iH H ave you ever tried prodding а sea

bend over for anal. N EVE R! " Friend Tw o is а Ьit more Ьlunt : " 1 do

anemo ne< The minute yo u stic k your fi nger i nto its soft ce ntre it co ntracts.

not share my ass w ith anyone." H owever, it i s Fri end Three w ho has

N ow,

t he fin al say: " Thi s is my ex it, not my

So, on 1 go, ca refully nav igatin g the

do n't know abo ut other peop le,

Then 1 f ind he r. A n anal goddess. А wom an w ho rides bac k saddl e. А woman w ith her back doo r w ide open. 1 as k her to desc ribe anal sex to me, and this i s w hat she w rites:

"1 love anal sex.

love it beca use it's

but 1 immed iate ly go into anemo ne-actio n

entry. W hy do they wa nn a go thro ugh the

ju st so naughty. 1 love th at it's o ur sec ret .

the minute AN YTHI NG approaches my

bac k doo r w hen 1 have an eat-sum-mo re

1 love it beca use it's so ti ght, 1 love it

геа г

cookie{ O ne Ьite and yo u а ге ho oked."

th at l1 e's i n co ntro l,

end . Not to menti o n t hat 1 start

c lenc hing my buttoc ks in а des perat e attempt to ma ke my bum look small er. The ana l -a ll ow ing fri end, let's ca ll her Ramon e, i s no sea anemon e. " Breath e," she says.

Thi s is th e o ne extreme. Th ese women

love it tlыt he's

w ill slam their backdoo rs in yo ur face.

do min atin g me, 1 love it th at it hurts ju st а Ьi t and 1 love that he kn ows it. 1 love it

Then there а ге the o nes w ho w i 11 open it

tl1 at l1 e's gent le, 1 love t he way he loo ks

- if you have the ri ght key.

at me w hen he's inside me - 1 love

"Ju st BREATHE into it, D arlin g. Open w ide, breatl1 e and maybe ... in the beg inning ...

that naughty glow in hi s eyes, and 1

You can't simply barge in there and go bananas. You need to navigate the windward passage GENTLY into the dark and stormy night.

could c um me а ri ver just look ing

yo u sho ul d think of

into hi s eyes. " Mostl y it's that

something e lse." Wa it

mi n ute.

1 heard thi s all befo re. Yo u guys wo n't

"1 do not like to

Ье

press ured i nto it.

intimacy that 1 love th e mo st . There is nothing much mo re

kn ow this, but thi s is st andard gy nae-c hat

A lso, if а w oman is not ready fo r it о г

w hen you go for your annu al check-up and th ey in se rt а large meta l speculum

interested in it, she is going to deri ve no pleasure f ro m it. A nal can Ье amazing,

up your fann y. Thi s spec ulum looks like а cross betw een а spa nner and an ice

but then it sho uld Ье а j o int d eci sion. Н е

а G -Spot in my Botty. We' ll have to ca ll it

sho ul d make it part of fo repl ay, gent ly slip

c ream scoop. Google it. В е p repared to

it in ... so rt of li ke an inject io n," says The

"A nd yes, 1' 11 adm it - 1 LOVE it that

scream i n ho rro r 1i ke а gi rl .

Arti st, а beautifu l woma n desired Ьу all .

so me w om en а ге too p ru d ish to try it o ut

Anyway, w hen the kind doc tor in se rts

lt is no co inc idence that she refers to

in t imate than t hi s. A nd some of tl1 e most min d- Ы ow in g o rgasms 1 have ever had have been during anal sex. 1 swea r 1 have B-Spot.

eno ugh to rea l ise they love it.

have no

thi s in stru ment of torture into you , he

anal as an inj ecti on - sin ce it ca n h urt as

doubt that he' ll remem ber me, forever.

a lways sta rts Ь у saying, " Now ju st re lax .

mu ch as it ca n sex uall y sedate. The t hing

Ме and my t ight ass ..."

Breathe in to it. Th in k happy thoughts ." Some docto rs have t ri cks up their

is, you can romanti c ise and kinkify ana l

o n yo ur b uc ket li st o r mo re likely yo ur

as m uch as you li ke, but in the end you

fuc ki t 1ist, then Ьу all mea ns d o not let

sleeves. M i ne always tell s me а joke, gets me to laugh (w hi ch re laxes the m usc les)

have to fa ce the Ьi o l og i ca l facts - the rectum is not des igned for а peni s. ln the

the oppo rtunity pass you Ьу sho ul d it ever ari se. Ju st remem ber: T LC, boys. T LC.

and then tell s me to co ugh. A s 1 co ugh, he slides it in .

18th Century ana l sex w as refe rred to as

To uc h. Lu bricati o n. A nd Common Sense.

" navigati on of the w in dward passage."

lf it does not give, don't Ье an ass and

" Perhaps men sho ul d use t he co ughin g technique to get it in," 1 mu se to Ra mo ne.

Thi s passage i s held shut Ьу two ri ngs of mu sc les or sp hincters. The interestin g fact

force the issue. lf she is not panting w ith

She laughs. " That mi ght wo rk. That, and lots and lots of lubricati o n." Over t he next w eek my p roЬin g into

is t hat w hil e yo u ca n co nt ro l the o ut er m usc le and re lax it or not, you don't have

lf anal sex is

passio n, put it aw ay. However, if she sm il es and opens w ide, then here's to yo u. Bottom s up ! r.J

simil ar co ntro l over the inner m usc le

the d ark and m usky wo rld of anal sex

w hi ch c loses automat ic all y if not in use.

bri ngs а few interestin g findings to light.

The inner musc le need s to Ье relaxed

One is that if yo u wa nt to get а w o man to try it, never, ever me ntio n th at you prefer

w ith а lubed f inger о г toy. O nce yo u go past tl1 e mu sc les, th e rest of th e passage

anal because it is t ighter t han vagina l. NEVER . EVER. Un less yo u have а death

is not straight li ke t he vagin a. Oh, no. Р гер а ге yo urse lf instead for а few tw i sts

w ish. A lso, make sure t hat yo u know

and turn s. Thi s, of co urse, also means

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Оп а

serious

поtе: Апа/

sex

са п

traп s mit А / 05 а пd S Т/s . Уо и сап

also pick up bacterial iп fectioп s from th e b ugs пa tura lly preseпt iп the g ut. Wеа г а coпdom а пd п ever alte m ate betweeп the aпus апd vagiп a duriпg а п а/ iпteгcourse

as it

сап iпсгеаsе

the risk of iп fectioп .

CULTURE BUNNYTALES

f the receпt Secrecy Bill debac le, for ][

that's what it is, has taught our raiпbow паtiоп aпythiпg, it is that we like to

have the optioп to choose. We like to sow our оwп seeds, апd we тost certaiпly kпow what is good for us. Апd should апуопе тe ss arouпd with our choices, should апуопе

push us dowп, would we have the gall а пd the пerve to поt опlу voice our di spleasure, but to do what we waпt апd Ье that which we wish, iп spite? Why is PLAYBOY iп South Africa? Why iпdeed. No опе kпows that freedoт is а poiпt somewhere iп the тiddle of that slippery slope betweeп chaiпs апd debauchery better thaп Hugh Hefпer. Perhaps he did поt kпow the soтewhat darker е пd of the sca le w heп he released the first issue of PLAYBOY т agaz iп e to а frustrated а пd uп s u spectiп g puЬiic iп 1953. Yet, s iп ce theп, those puppetтaster-waппabes of Photoshop, those who

wear the тask of hypoc riti ca l co п se rvative huтility over their оwп туорiс ego, have coп tiпuou s l y reтiпded hiт of it. Апd for five

decades, the PLAYBOY eпterprise has Ьееп balaпciпg оп this тorality seesaw. lt is гаге that а п idea is allowed to iп c ubate as loп g as PLAYBOY has. lt is rarer still that а successful со трапу revolves a rouпd а s iп g l e idea to begiп with. But,

th e "Ьоу апd а dreaт" adage would поt Ье а Ые to fiпd а тоге apt ехатр l е th aп

that of Hugh Hefпer апd his "P iay" idea. То distaпce hiтself froт

the Ыue-collar,

post-World War 11, white-pi c ket-feпce , oveп-baked,

sexually-repressed America, he

drea med of parti es, of style, of haпdsoтe теn and beautiful wотеп, of freely availaЫe id eas; тo st of all, though , he

dreamt of haviп g а choice. Не was not beiпg wicked. Н е was just bein g а m а п .

The idea Hefner had to puЬii sh а magaz iпe needed to Ье syтbo l ised, needed а logo that could iп staпtly Ье traced to the idea lised soc ial space Hefпer eпvi si oned. just prior to the puЬii catioп of the first issue of PLAYBOY (a nd

in less theп half а п hour), Art Director Arthur Paul des i gпed the rabЬit head logo. The rabЬit was chosen, part in jest, part iп ап atteтpt to differentiate the тagaz ine froт Esquire and The New Yorker, апd part as а sign of the sexually liberal т agaz ine . "1 desigпed the logo to depict the lighter side of life; the rabЬit being, to тапу people, the playboy of the a niт a l world due to its extrao rdiпary aЬi lity

to reproduce itself. The bow tie symbolises PLAYBOY's ed itoria l s l aпt toward the urbaп таlе sophisticate," says the creator of the тodest yet iпiтitaЫ e сотра п у logo.

Paul surely would have g iveп the rabЬit head logo а tad longer than half ап hour of hi s tiтe had he kпown how iтporta nt the littl e critter would Ьесоте. What was ori ginally used as

РLАУВОУ

signature to mark the end of an article (go

lt is true that the Bunnies had to follow

back, tu c kiп g one leg behind the other as

ahead ... you сап look) would go on to become

certain guideliпes when they worked at

she served а drink, thereby ensuring that the

the symbol of one of the Ьiggest puЬiishing empires of the 20th Century. The PLAYBOY

the clubs. The PLAYBOY Buпny guide liп es are still readily ava il aЫe. There were Door

notoriously fitted corset she was wea ring

mascot was such а success that before it was

Bunnies, Cigarette Bunnies, Floor Bunnies, and later еvе п jet Bunnies, w ho served

se rviп g coc ktail s, the Вuппу had to do the

even popular iп the puЬii c sph ere, а letter delivered to the Chicago head offices needed

on the Big Bunny j et, PLAYBOY 'S private

chair or sofa, or do the "В uпп у Staпce " when

nothing more thaп the ra bЬit head design

pl ane. There were also а number of poses or

standiп g

drawn оп the enve lope.

manoeuvres the Bunnies had to do w ithin

all regulations we re followed, the Bunni es

the c lubs. The most famous move was the

The rabЬit motif, as we al l kn ow now, did

would stay in place . Wh en she was not "B unny Perch" Ьу sitting оп the back of а aside or greetiп g c lieпts. То ensure

not епd with the ra bЬit head des igп. When

" Bunny Dip" w hich the Вuпп у did when

had to report to the Bunny Mother, usually an experi enced Bunny who had а comp lete

Hugh Hefner launched PLAYBOY'S Penthouse

serving а patron. She wou ld have to lean

knowl edge of the Bunny haпdbook.

in 1959, а television program Hef hosted himself, the PLAYBOY Bunny was born. lnitially models who may or may not have featured in the magazine were costumed with the Bunny Suit: а c ustom-fitted corset, men's cuffs, а bowtie and а fluffy bunny tail. Th e bunny costume wou ld become а hit; to thi s day it remains sy п o ny mo u s w ith the brand. Yet it was not until H efner's fiпest spit in the еуе of conservatism that the PLAYBOY Bunпy

became an еvеп larger part of the PLAYBOY legacy: The PLAYBOY Club. As it became apparent that Hefner was not the on ly one w ho des ired to break away from the restraints of а conservative, Co ld War America and PLAYBOY magazine was becoming а runaway success, Hefner reali sed that he п eeded а physical space for hi s idea to Ье made taпgiЬie. Н е l auпched the PLAYBOY Club iп February 1960; а space w here peop le's c uriosity could Ье sated, o r increased. There was little smoke and mirrors. People опlу had to look at PLAYBOY'S

Penthouse if they

wa пted

to kп ow w hat was

going iп the real world of PLAYBOY. Yet, even thou gh Hefner i nvited people into his life, invited them into hi s dream, v ia magaz ine, airwaves and the club, hecklers still heckl ed and suspicious eyes w ith dropped lids were still fixed о п him. For someoпe who lived under almost no pretense а пd dedi cated hi s eпtire life to letting people iп , it appea red to

some th at he sure ought to have а lot to hide. А пd it was the sa me o ld, bo riп g criti cism: all

those nude women with their provocative gaze, а пd just w hat were those wo m e п dressed as bunnies doing iп those clubs{ journali st Glori a Steiп em wou ld go uпdercover as а Bunny to find out, w hich resulted in а book, а Kirsty A ll ey mov ie and the conc lusion that the PLAYBOY Bunnies were exp loited.

"1 think every wo man's secret desire is to try о п а Вuппу suit, but they're ju st not liberated

eno ugh," was Ca ndy Humphries D ' Amato, а former Вuппу turпed rea l estate bro ker, reto rt to the criticism. "Yes, libera te d . lt wasn't the Buпnies w ho were beiп g exp lo ited, yo u know,

not w ith our sa laries. 1 worked as а bank teller before 1 became а Bu nny, а пd 1' 11 te ll you w hat exp lo itation is. Exp lo itation is working for $250 а mo пth ."

APRIL2012

CULTURE BUNNYTALES

But the Bunny preva iled, even after the PLAYBOY Clubs c losed their doors in the late 1980s at а time w hen excess was king and the puЬii c fin ally understood wh at it w as that Hefner was talking about. The c lubs were no lo nger needed. But the PLAYBOY Bunnies w ere too signifi cant to di sappea r. Their legacy continued, the costume was, and remain s to thi s day, one of th e most recog ni sa Ы e ensemЫ es in the w orld. ln fact the Bunny

has become such а success that it has even caused some confusion w ithin the PLAY BOY ranks. O ver the decades some Buпni es w ould go о п to become PLAYBOY Playmates, but а Pl aymate was пeve r the sa me as Вuпп у. Playmates were c h oseп to feature iп the m agaz iпe, but were п ever required to d оп

the Вuпп у costume. H efп er's v i s i o п , wh eп the first Play mate of the Mo пth was featured iп the secoпd editi o п of the m agaz iп e iп J a пua ry 195 4, was поt that of just а пud e pi ctori al. lt had to Ье а пud e pi cto ri al of the "g irl п ехt door." Today that term is used loose ly, ofte п to describe а ce rta iп , w ho lesome look, but in t he 1950s, to see the girl пехt doo r nu de would have Ьее п scandalous. So it fit w ith H efпe r's idea of making sexuality а пd sex iness

an everyday thiп g, w hi ch was free of taboo. M ostl y th ough, it was fuп . A nd it needs to Ье. Th e uпde rl y iп g message of PLAYBOY has always bee n fun . W hy else would Hefner build а grow п-m en- Neve r Neve rl a пd at hi s ma пs i oп iп Ca lifo rпi a, w ith

However, the women were never obj ectified,

slippy-s lides, Ьird s of paradi se and game

and they were never allowed to touch patrons.

room s~ W hat H efп e r has Ьее п do iп g for

The fa lse perceptions, such as those of Steinem,

almost 60 years, PLAY BOY South Afri ca has

rose from а culture accustomed to the notion

been do iп g for one. Buппi es, Pl aymates,

of obj ectificatio n. They expected Hefner's c lubs to Ье scandalous, debauched and immoral because if they weren't, hi s cri tics would have

of sex iп ess, sophisti catio n and fuп . But

had to со те to term s w ith their own self-

of giving its readers the space а п d optio n to

regulation and suppressio n.

Ье themse lves. rJ

а пd the rabblt symbol all re prese пt а c ult ure

ultimately, it has adopted the PLAYBOY idea l

Тhе origiпal

PLAYBOY Clubs of the 1960s апd 1970s defiпed their era; the defiпitive word iп sophisticated luxury апd elegaпce attractiпg опlу the most iпflueпtial, famous апd glamorous clieпtele. At the heart of this success was the PLAYBOY Вuппу. With her icoпic апd iпstaпtly recognisaЫe costume, she was the epitome of service excelleпce. Тhrough а comblпatioп of refiпed style, alluriпg charm апd playful siпcerity, PLAYBOY's success prospered оп these corпerstoпes, propelliпg the Вuппу to iпstaпt fame. Тhis April ushers iп а пеw era of the PLAYBOY Вuппу iп South Africa. Comiпg to а towп or city пеаr you, the Buппies сап Ье fouпd providiпg the life апd soul of апу party. From пatioпal PLAYBOY tours to major sportiпg eveпts, exclusive "chef taЬie" diппers to moпthly issue lauпches, come prepared to play.

What could

possiЬly Ье

better than

gorgeous girl in her

knickers? Well, how's about 2 of them? Here are some of our favourite ways of seeing

douЬle ...

APRIL2012

The Tension Twins

The Teles Twins

95 APRIL2012

96 РLАУВОУ

/XV-5922h

LI FЕ SТ

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So, back to "turbo-cha гged four-cy liпdeг mill w ith Ьохег aгchitecture," of which the "four-

w hat you have i5 опе of the all-time fl at-out i соп5 of the motoгiпg woгld , e5pecially if your Scooby-Doo

cy liпdeг" Ьit i5 5elf-explaпatoгy, поt 5о? Тhе mоге

(fог theгe'5 ап оthег way to рrопоuпсе Subaгu) i5

cy liпdeг5, iп gе пега l ,

pa iпted iп

the mоге роwег, епd of 5tо гу. Now, turbo-ch aгge that vегу 5ame four-cyliпdeг. U5e а turblпe, or fап effect, to force 50me ехtга air iпto the cyliпder5, pгec i 5el y becau5e thi 5 mеап 5

mоге охуgеп, which guaгaпtee5 а Ьiggeг explo5 ioп

deep metallic Ыuе апd са ггi е5 gold гim5. The SТi'5 legeпd wa5 maiпl y 5haped Ьу awe5ome all-wheel drive tгactioп plu5 Ьi g turbocha гged 2 .0-liteг 4-cy liпdeг power. The turbo, iп fact, wa5 bгutal , а5 it wa5 50 Ьig.

wheп i gпited а пd theгefoгe а gгеаtег fогсе to drive

Апd becau5e it wa5 50 Ьi g - 5ize couпt5, hey ! - it

the pi5toп5, апd eveпtuall y the саг. Whi ch leave5 "boxer architecture" to Ье explaiпed- а пd thi5 i5 the im portaпt рагt, а5 it i5 all about опе of thгee ba5ic way5 iп which епgiпе5 аге 5tructured, or packaged, or coпfigured . Апd it goe5 а5 follow5: (1) iпliпe aгch itecture, w ith the cy liпdeг5

5pooled up 5lowly, 50 that the SТi '5 ma55ive роwег boo5t опlу kicked iп at about 4,000 rpm. That'5 late. But hold оп: оп се it 5tarted, it wo uldп 't 5top. Арагt from а Mit5ubl5hi Evo, пothiпg cou ld match а STi . So, that'5 Legeпd N umbeг Опе: the lmpгeza WRX SТi- wheгe WRX 5taпd5 fог Woгld Rally Са г (WR) driviпg through all four wheel5 (Х), апd SТi

опе behiпd апоthег (а5 iп ап iпliпe-four, ог а

5trai ght-5ix mill- w ith "fouг" апd "5ix" deпotiпg the пumЬег of cyliпdeг5); (2) а V-5haped епgiпе, w ith the bottom of the cyliп deг5 iп liпe, but the top5 tilted away from the peгpe пdi c ula г to de5c гibe а "V" (if looked at from the froпt ог back, а5 iп а Vб ог V8); ог (3) а Ьохег епgiпе, wheгe the cyliпdeг5 lie flat оп the iг 5ide5, iп5tead of 5taпdiп g upгight 50 that the pi5tOП 5 арреа г to " Ьох" each otheг, ог throw jab5 at опе a пother, а5 they move back а пd foгth ( iп5tead of up апd dowп) iп the cy liпde г5. Fог thi5 vегу геа5оп , the aгc hitecture i5 al5o de5cri bed а5 hori zoпta 11 y-oppo5ed. А с l еа г adva пtage of the l atteг i5 that all the heavy епgiпе соmропе пt5 а ге поw а5 low а5 po55 iЬi e, whi ch mеа п5 that the са г'5 ce пtre of gгavity 5hould Ье bette г th a п tho5e of competitoг5. Тhi 5 pгomote5 good dyпa mic5. А 5рогt5 саг, afteг all , haпdl e5 betteг tha п а bakki e. Апd а bakki e h aпdl e5 better tha п а bu5, geddit? Now, add "WRX SТi" to the lm pгeza паmе, а пd

deпote5 Subaгu Techпica lпteгпati oпa l . Legeпd N umbeг Two i5 the Suba гu Fоге5tег. Go

5pot-check 5ome fа гmе г5 iп the KwaZulu-Natal Mid l a пd5 апd сhап се5 аге that they' ll Ье caгv iпg through the foгe5t5 iп а Fоге5tег. Why? W ell , the епg iпе aga iп, fог 5tа гtег5: the power а пd the gloгy of eitl1e г а 2.0- ог а 2 . 5- litгe, both ava il aЫ e w ith or w ithout а turbo. That'5 опе thiп g. Secoпd оп the li5t of de5iгaЬi e5 i5 that tl1e Fоге5tег

i5 built оп the lmpreza platform . Thiгd i5 all-w heel dгive. Апd theп come5 gгeat gгouпd с l еа га п се; the Fоге5tег'5 belly 5ее5 а fu ll 220 mm of daylight, w hich i5 а helluva lot. So, what'5 the po iпt of all of thi 5? W ell , fiг5tl y, the 5mall little matteг of Ьохег епgiпе a гchitecture, wh ich i5 w hat made Рог5сhе fa mo u5 а5 well ; Subaru build5 great епgiпе5, whetheг they bo lt а turbo оп , ог поt.

Next up i5 all-w heel dгive, which i5 importa пt iп veld coпd iti oп5, а5 we kпow. Апd thiгdl y the Fоге5tег соп серt: а cro55oveг оп

5tilt5, а5 grouпd с l еа га псе of 220 mm i5 5imply pheпomeпal iп а vehicle of thi5 пature, yet h a пdliпg геmа iп5 out5taпdiпg а5 the boxer епgiп е help5 to curtail the car'5 ceпtre of gravity. Yet, there аге two little ргоЫеm5: (1) the Fоге5tег i5 viewed more а5 ап SUV, апd (2) it ha5 growп qu ite а Ьit over the year5. What Subaru пeeded, however, wa5 а 5lightly 5horter, lower CГ055-over w ith the empha5i5 оп city-5 1i ckiп g, to rumЬie with the Нопdа CR-V, Hyuпd a i i xЗ S апd Ki a Sportage. Н еу, апd that'5 поt 50 difficult. Wrap а bra пd пew 5k iп with edgy coпtemporaгy urbaп 5ty liпg over а platform that опсе aga iп boa5t5 Subaru Symmetrical AII-W heel Drive а пd add the Fore5ter'5 iп cred iЬi e 22 0 mm grouпd с l еагапсе, а Ьохег е пgiпе, A lfa Romeo-like dua l -toпe 5ilveг-a пd-Ыack 17" a lumiпium w heel5 а пd voila: the S uba гu XV ! A llгi g ht, the п еw 2. 0- litгe Ьохег mill lack5 а turbo, wh ich iпdu ce5 а mea5ure of 5 l ackп e55 iп the l owe г геv га п gе5, but m ake п о mi5take abo ut the hea d of 5team th at th e XV са п bu i ld up, оп the hi ghway. Power i5 гa ted at 11 О kW, toгque at 196 Nm а пd top 5peed at 187 km/ h, w hi ch a iп 't bad at a ll. Оп top of that, the XV haпdle5 beautifu lly, еvеп though the ride i5 50ft eп ough to ab5orb all the muck thгowп up Ьу o ur fa5t-dete ri oratiпg road5. Suba гu i5 uпdег5tа пd аЫ у al5o extгemely proud of the iг vегу fiг5t 5oft-to-the-touch da5h, giviп g tl1e iпter i o г а w ho le п еw pгemium feel, а5 well а5 а 5olid гaft of 5ta п dard-i 55 ue 5pecifi catioп 5, iпc ludiпg h a l oge п head lamp5, гооf гa il 5, а power5 lidiпg 5 uпroof, compгeheп 5 ive multifuп ctioп

computiпg abllity а пd 5afety feature5 plu5 5urrouпd 5ouпd,

w ith 5at- п av а5 а п optioп .

А complete go-aпywheгe, th eп ?

The XV handles beautifully, even though the ride is soft enough to absorb all the muck thrown up Ьу our fast-deteriorating roads.

You bet. That'5 the way Subaru like5 to do thiпg5. So, take RЗЗ О, ООО апd go а пd thгow the XV arouпd а little Ьit, if уоu 'ге поt а Coliп McRae w ho cou ld exploit the prowe55 of ап l mpгeza 50 well, оп the

woгld'5 гally 5tage5. lt'5 поt а bad 5есопd choi ce. rJ

РLАУВОУ

tic

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"La Maisoп

Fraпck

Muller" is iпterпatioпally recogпised for the boldпess of its creatioпs. Тhе AEТERNITAS wrist-watch is dedicated to eпthusiasts of complicated movemeпts. Curreпtly, AEТERNITAS comes iп five versioпs shariпg а commoп basic movemeпt. Featured here is the 888Т QPS. All models iп this raпge sport а Ciпtree Curvex shaped automatic movemeпt with а micro-rotor placed at six o'clock апd visiЫe through the ореп-Ьасk. Тhese exceptioпal time-keepers have 26 complicatioпs, 1,044 compoпeпts апd 72 jewels, апd are the

. . . . .... ......... ..... . .... . . ... .G:r.~ч1.4...P.:r.~~--R~~g~ With the Coпquistador Sport GPG series, Fraпck Muller has created а raпge of watches that iпstill the emotioп апd excitemeпt of sport. Siпce arriviпg оп South Africaп soil а year ago, the Graпd Prix, availaЫe iп several colours, has Ьееп extremely popular with lovers of fast cars апd great watches. This series comblпes techпology апd aesthetics апd although it is rather aggressive look, remaiпs primarily very .,. i. sporty with ап elegaпt ·' masculiпe style. The / 1• '/ Graпd Prix raпge starts at R160,000 (eпough to fill up а ·' . 'V'

--.

о\

result of а real techпical f:a:t;f; it--~:~:~~--~-~r:a:ce car?). for watch coппoisseurs. Up to R2.4 millioп.

., .

...

Master Banker Part of the

Loпg lslaпd Collectioп,

the Master was created for busiпessmeп who are coпstaпtly оп the move. lt was iпstaпtly recogпised as а real techпical breakthrough due to its mechaпi cal complicatioп. The Master Baпker offers three differeпt time zoпes that сап Ье adjusted usiпg the same crowп. Coпsequeпtly, its owпer iпstaпtly kпows the time at the stock markets of his choosiпg arouпd the world. The day/пight display of the two time zoпes is located iп the upper part of the dial пехt to the couпters, а small coпjuriпg trick to eпsure clear legibllity Baпker liпe

Long Island Range Featured here is the Loпg lslaпd Classic, 1200 SC REL. As а moderп re iпterpretatioп of the Noveceпto style, the architecture of the case celebrates the Spirit of Art Deco, опе of Fraпck Muller's sources of iпspiratioп. lts сlеап geometric liпes are а clear remiпder of this era, апd Fraпck Muller's iпte rpretatioп takes us back to that elegaпt апd refiпed world of the 1930s. Thaпks to its pure rectaпgular shape as well as its rectiliпear апd arched пumerals, the Loпg lslaпd has become а flagship model that comes iп 12 sizes. As а result, Fraпck Muller's Loпg lslaпd desigп fits both stroпg male wrists апd ladies' fiпe апd delicate wrists. Priced betweeп R115,000 апd R220,000.

Ьеуопd comparisoп.

lt also епаЫеs

the

iпdicatioп

of half hour differeпces iп

time zoпes such as iп lпdia апd Сапаdа.

R340,000.

LI FЕ SТ

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AUDIO

Ьу

ken kessler

Anniversaries serve industry well: who doesn't love an "Anniversary Model," Ье it а wristwatch, а car, а bottle of scotch1 The beauty of such events is that they provide а credibllity that money cannot buy - only the genuine passage of time will suffice. Hi-fi is now old enough to celebrate with its longest-surviving companies nearing the century mark, while the elite level of high-end audio itself has been around since circa-1950. n 2011 , for example, Briti5h manufacturer SME wa5 аЫе to boa5t that it5 fir5t tonearm, the Model 3009, had reached it5 50th Ьirthday. lndeed, 1961 wa5 а good yea r for Briti5h audio, а5 loud5peaker manufacturer KEF wa5 al5o born then, and the сотраnу recently celebrated with а book recounting the 5tory. Thi5 year, Wharfedale celebrate5 it5 80th Ьirthday, and it, too, in5pired а fanta5ti c book. Perhap5 the mo5t memoraЫe way of celebrating а mile5tone i5 w ith а 5pecial model, Ье it а loud5peaker, an amplifier or а record deck. The 5ecret i5 to revive 5omething 50 good that it ca n 5tand up again5t designs that are decades younger, because retro sty ling - however cool it looks - is not enough to justify the expenditure: the performance mu5t match the reputation. M clnto5h, the granddaddy of the American specia lty audio, marked its 60th anniversary last year w ith а couple of products, including reissues of an amplifier and а pre-amplifier, а5 well а5 an all-new mini -5y5tem. But the new5 for 20 12 i5 а unique anniver5ary marking not а mile5tone of а company, but of а spec ifi c model: the M clntosh МС27 5 stereo

power amplifier i5 50 yea r5 old. Although it hasn' t been in continuou5 production for that amou nt of time, it is re-launched periodically, and this w ill Ье its most radica lly revised version- though the main circu it and iconic 5tyling remain unchanged. Mclnto5h i5n 't the fir5t to do thi5. From t ime to time, other brand5 have al5o rei55ued classics from their line-up, from Radford's STA25 МК IV in the late 1980s, reviv ing а 1960s masterpiece, to Ki seki issu ing а limited run of moving-coil cartrid ge5 in 2011 , made up from "new old 5tock" part5. Marantz on ce offered rei55Ue5 of it5 1950s/1960s tube electronics, wh ile Quad revived not only its original Quad 11 power amp lifier - it developed an entire new family of amp lifier5 around it, all boasting the di5tinctive 19505 look. For 2012, French brand Elip5on wi ll offer again tl1eir 8550 spherica l speaker from 1953, still looking as futuristic now as it did then. For company, rather than model, anniversari es, 2012 see5 the 40th anniversary of the Mark Levinson brand, wh ich raised the bar for high-end audio, creating no-compromise models with

5eemingly limitles5 pricing. More importantly, their earli est pre-amplifiers and power amplifiers represented а watershed moment in design, for they proved that solid-state equipment cou ld sound as good as tube electroni cs- or "a lmost а5 good," depending on your political affiliation. Meridian i5 another сотраnу celebratin g а Ьirthday thi5 year, al5o the 40th, and they're issu ing а limited ed ition 40th Anniversary System comprising an enhanced pair of the company's flagship DSP8000 loudspeakers and а 5pec ial ver5ion of their 808 Signature Reference СО Player in а gorgeou5 ruby colour. They're al5o u5ing the opportunity to issue а radical new model, the Мб. А word of advice for those of you i ntrigued Ьу these nods to the past. lnva ri aЬiy, such model5 are alllimited edition5, 50 you need to move quickly. And you 5hould al5o rea li se that Japan, Korea and other markets boa5t hi-fi enthu5ia5ts 50 apprec iative of audio's hi5to ry that they alway5 grab the lion'5 5hare of production for two rea5on5: the limited ed ition/collector'5 5tatu5 impart5 extra va lue, and the piece5 are u5uall.l.,worth owning for their performance alone. О

Retro styling- however cool it looks - is not enough to justify the expenditure: the performance must match the reputation.

}f('1 1XTOSII 501,11 i\XXIVE1l8Ail1' 1~ [\'IITED ЕПТТТОХ \ tf (1275 Тtт111~ 1)0\\ТЕ11 i\\tfPTjTFT1~R With its legendary МС2 75 turning 50, M clnto5h wi ll offer а version of the stereo cla55 ic with а number of refinements, while leaving the 5tyling alone - a5ide from gilding the cha55i5. "The 50th Ann iver5ary Limited Ed ition Mclnto5h МС275 tube power amplifier"- to give it it5 full name - now includes а multi -coloured LED di5play to indicate performance readine5s, а5 w ell as а new circuit that automatica lly turn5 the amp off 5hould any particular tube wear out. For the fir5t time, the Limited Edition МС275 i5 equipped w ith Power Control input and output, 50 on-off operation can Ье controlled Ьу а саЫе connection to any M clnto5h preamp or proces5or.

РLАУВОУ

1\IEJ~IJ)Ii\X I_jli\IITED EDITIO~ 40TII i\~XI,TEJ~Si\11Y 1

SOU~J) S'\т81 EJ\I

With more thaп 165 iпterп atioп a l award5 be5towed оп their product de5igп5, Meridiaп Aud io fo uпder5 ВоЬ Stuart а пd A lleп Boothroyd are ce l e bratiп g the 40 year5 5i п се thei r creative partпer5hip Ьеgап w ith а limited editi oп 40th A ппiver5ary Sy5tem. The package co п 5 i 5t5 of ап е пh а псеd pair of the соmрапу'5

flag5hip DSP8000 loud5peaker5 а пd а 5pecial ver5ioп of their 808 Sigпature Refereпce CD

Player. Limited to опlу 40 пumbe red editi oп5 worldw ide, each 5y5tem i5 5 i gпed Ьу ВоЬ а пd A lle п , а пd come5 w ith а п e п graved

plate 5 howiпg it5 5y5tem пumber. The uпique additi o п 5 iп c lude the ruby colour п оt ava il aЫe оп other product5 iп the raпge, coord iп ated

gla55 iп 5et рапеl5, 5peaker5 grill e5 апd tweeter 5 urro uпd. Each 5y5tem w ill al5o come w ith а

book, illu 5tratiп g the hi 5tory of Meridiaп'5

Digital S i gпa l Proce55 iп g (DSP) loud5peaker5, w hich i5 al5o 5 i gп ed Ьу ВоЬ апd All e п .

1\IEJ~IJ)I;\1\'1\16 LOL'DSI)EAKEI1 А 5tyli5ti c departure fo r Meridiaп , the Мб i5 coп ce ived to Ье а di5creet hi gh-eпd audio 5y5tem that

i5 5imple to u5e, еа5у to live w ith, а п d acce55 iЬi e to the w ho le family. lt ha5 а circul ar footpriпt, uпlike Ьоху 5peaker5, w ith а п eye-plea5iп g taper апd the u5e of п oп-refl ecti ve fiпi5h e5 . The co lumп it5elf i5 fa5hioпed from а 5peciall y developed, uпique l y heavy а пd rigid barium -doped re5 iп. The 5ame cy liп d ri ca l eпc lo5ure give5 Мб it5 пatura ll y w ide d i 5pe r5 i oп patterп, 50 po5 iti oпiпg it for opti mum performa пce i5

more flex iЬi e th aп with co пveп ti oпa l de5 i gп5. А5 with all Me ri d i a п active loud5peaker5, the pe rfo rm a пce i5 co пtro ll ed апd moпitored Ьу the соmрапу'5 proprietary digital 5 i gп a l proce55iп g that create5 а loud5peaker аЫ е to perform а5 would а coпveпtioп a l 5peaker w ith eight t ime5 the phy5ical volume.

ELI11 S()~ BS50 Freпch 5peaker maker E li p5oп ha5 i55ued а tribute to the со mрапу'5 i co пic 8550 loud5peaker,

w hich al5o mark5 the b ra пd'5 60th Ьi rth day. lt i5 part of а р l а п for the со трапу to hoпour the l aпdmark model5 that have 5haped it5 hi 5tory. The 8550 wa5 it5 fir5t 5peaker to achieve fame, the па mе it5e lf ап acro п ym for "Ba ll Staff, 50cm diameter." De5 i gпed iп 1953, it5 5w ive lliп g "ear"

di 5tri buted the 5o uпd w ith iп crea5ed di 5pe r5i oп . The 820 х 665 х 775 mm 5pherical 5peaker i5 po5 i ti oпed оп а bru5hed alloy tripod w ith по 5eparate vi5i Ьie fi x iпg. El i p5oп ha5 reproduced thi5 model u 5 iпg the late5t hi gh-quality materi al5, while pre5erv iпg the acou5tic 5ou пd qualitie5 that were 50 uпique to а product that defied all пorm a l 5taпda rd 5 of loud5peaker de5 i gп .

APRIL 2012

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ou 5l1ould congratulate me. Му wife and 1 ju5t l1ad twiп5, and they 5eem okay. Ten fingers. Ten toe5. Two little gi rl 5. But ,. you know the feeling.... 1keep , waiting for 5omething to go • wrong becau5e tl1at'5 how it i5 1 r- wl1en thing5 get too l1appy. 1 keep expecting to wake up from th i5 bea utiful dream. 1 mean, back before 1 wa5 married ll1ad thi5 one girlfriend wl1o wa5 fat. We were, botl1 of U5, fat togetl1er, 50 we got along. Т11аt girlfriend, 5lle wa5 alway5 te5ting u5 on new diet5 to lo5e weigl1t, like eating nothing except piпeappl e and vinegar, or nothing but green algae from an eпvelope, and 5he wa5 alway5 5uggesting we take long walk5 together until 5he 5tarted to 5hed the pound5, her hip5 ju5t melted away, and you never 5aw anybody 50 happy. Even tl1en 1 knew 5omething would wreck it. You know the fee l i пg: Wl1eп you love 5omebody, you're lырру to 5ее l1er happy, but 1 knew my girlfriend wa5 going to dump me because поw guy5 with career5 and health in5urance were gettiпg l1er on tl1eir radar. 1remember 511е wa5 pretty

lllust:t~ation ЬУ sam· wolfe Co1u1ellY 108 РLАУВОУ

AI'RIL 2012

LI FЕ SТ

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FICTION апd fuппу Ьеfоге, but поw tlыt she was gettiпg so

апd о гd ег а гоu пd, а пd it's not as if wе'ге tl1e last

fгom side to side ог peekiпg up at me from undeг

skiппy it was obvious sl1e possessed vast uпtapped

Ьоу а пd giгl iп the w l1ole woгld. А buпch of otheг

l1ег long, flutteгiпg eyelasl1es. And sl1e must Ье

гeseгves of se lf-coпtгo l апd self-di scip liпe way out

Ьеегs and Ьеегs al1ead of me because she keeps

of my league, апd my fгieпds wегеп't апу help

people а ге dгinkiпg at tl1e plastic taЫes, goiпg to Lollapalooza from the look of theiг dгead s and

foгgetting to епd l1ег sentences, апd sometimes

because they wеге all c iгcliпg, waitiпg fог us to call it quits so tl1ey could date l1ег, апd theп it turпed

tie-dye. 1 walk all the way to the most faгaway tаЫе fгom hег, but this lюttie watcl1es me go all tl1e way.

she poiпts at somethiпg speeding Ьу outside the w indow and sl1e sl1outs, "А dog! " ог опе time sl1e

out it wasп 't the piпeapple ог the se lf-discipliпe because she fouпd out sl1e гeall y had са псег, but sl1e slimmed dowп to weaгiпg а Ьitcl1iп ' hot size two Ьеfоге she died. That's how 1 kпow happ iпess is like а tickiпg

You know the feeling, w l1en somebody's watchiпg, you са п't take опе step w ithout stumЬiing, especially on а moving-arouпd tгаiп. 1 go to take

sees а саг wa itiпg at а гail cгossiпg апd Bгit scгeams, "Siug bug!" апd c l obbeгs my sl1ou ldeг w itl1 hег fi stful of Hello Ki tty а пd Mi ckey Mouse гings, апd

а dгink as the tгain turns а согnег, а пd

dowп my stгiped cowboy shirt. l' m pгetendiпg

secretly llюpe 1 have the bгui se fог the гest of my life. And we go to Lollapalooza апd pitcl1 my tent,

bomb. Апd how 1 met my w ife is because 1 wasп't go iпg to date апуЬоdу, поt апуmоге, по way, so 1

to watch the tгees going Ьу outside the w indow, but from а sec гet-ageпt aпgl e l' m watchiпg l1ег

and Bгit's so dгuпk that w hen she wakes up the next mогпiпg she's still dгuпk. Апd по matteг how mucl1

was takiпg tl1e Amtгak to Seattl e. lt was the уеа г of Lollapalooza iп Seattle, апd l'd packed my teпt апd wгapped my s l eep iпg bag to protect my Ьопg so 1

гeflecti o п in the glass, and sl1e's still watcl1iп g me. Tl1e оп lу time she looks away is wheп she steps up to the Ьаг апd gives the baгtendeг some mопеу апd

dooЬie 1 smoke l' m lыving trouЫe keep iпg up. And

could camp out all weekeпd like а Gгi zz l y Adams, апd 1 walked iпto the Ьаг саг оп tl1e tгаiп. You

he gives hег anotheг Ьеег, and tl1eп hег гeflectioп is getting Ьiggeг and Ьiggeг until it's life-size and

sl1e's getting а coпtact higl1 fгom my secondlыnd smoke. O ur w hole Lo llapalooza is like the kind

kпow how sometimes you just пееd to leave tl1e iпto tl1e Ьаг са г, апd tl1eгe's tl1is total stoпe-co ld

she's staпd ing next to my taЬi e апd says, " Hi," and somethiпg else. Апd 1 say, "What~"

of beautiful classic готапсе you'd рау to jeгk off to оп the inteгnet, but it's lыppeп ing to me. Апd wе'ге datiп g fог six months, all the way through

fox ра iг of gгее п eyes lookiпg гi ght diгectl y at me. Апd l' m поt а moпsteг. l' m поt some гeality-sl1ow

And sl1e points at my cowboy s l1iгt, at the Ьеег spilled th eгe, and sl1e says, "1 li ke your buttons...

Ch гi stmas, through Bгit moving hе г stuff into my

Ьlimp stuck iп а hospital bed eatiпg buckets of fгied

shiпy."

sоЬег one moгпing, and she still hasn't.

fгieпd s а пd sobгiety behiпd fог а few days. 1 walked

1 spill

Ьеег

maybe it's because Bгit's so skinny, but she seems to сор а buzz w ithout dгinkiпg fог lюurs, like maybe

apaгtment, апd 1 keep expecting Bгit to wake up

chi ckeп all day, but 1 са п uпdeгstaпd wl1y guys wou ld waпt to woгk as guaгds iп womeп 's pгi soп s ог сопсепtгаtiоп camps wl1eгe they cou ld date good-lookiпg ргi sопегs w itl1out tl1ose babes always

coloгed sпaps. Тhеу'ге not buttons, tl1ey'гe sп aps,

апd llыve to expl a iп. lt's not that B гit is а fini cky

but 1 don't want to scotch tl1i s moment. And гi ght fгom the get-go 1 noticed she puts hег fingeгs in hег

еаtег, but the гeason sl1e's so skiппy is sl1e оп lу li kes to eat а zu cchiпi squasl1 cut iп l1alf l eпgth wi se апd

say iпg, " Put а sl1irt оп! " апd askiпg, "Do you always have to sweat so mucbl" But оп the tгаiп, heгe's tl1is

mouth sometimes- okay, she puts hег fingeгs iп l1ег moutl1 а lot, апd sl1e uses а bгeathy, li ttle-giгl voice

hollowed down tl1e middle to make а mini ature lгoquo i s dugout сапое w itl1 kпife scгatches оп tl1e

goddess weaг iпg а Radiohead T-shiгt cut off to sl1ow hег Ьа ге middle, а пd l1ег j eaп s sag dowп to wheгe theгe o ugl1t to Ье busl1 showiпg, апd she's weaгiпg Mickey Mouse а пd Holly НоЬЬi е гiпgs a rouпd еvегу fiпgeг, holdiпg а Ьеег to hег beautifu llips апd

w itl1 some baby-talk wo гds 1ike buh-sketti iп stead of spagl1etti and skissors in place of sc i ssoгs- but fог а гegulation hottie tlыt's just textbook being sexy. She gives me а wiп k and licks the tip of l1ег toпgue around hег lips, and w ith the wet sti ll

outside to look like lndian wгitiп g and а wl1ole tгibe of little bгaves ca гved out of гаw carrot but witl1 gгееп peas fог the iг heads, lined up а пd row iпg the wаг canoe across а dinneг pl ate coveгed w ith а thick lауег of chocolate syгup, апd you'd Ье

l ookiпg at me dowп the l eпgth of the с l еаг bottle,

shiпing on them, sl1e says, "l' m Вгitпеу Spea гs."

s urpгised how m апу гesta urants doп 't l1ave that

just ап огd iпагу MGD, поt some pussy mi crobгew iп а gгееп bottle.

She's such а tease. Sure, she's а little loaded.

paгticula г item on theiг гegul a г meпus . So most

lmpa iгed. Ву поw wе'ге botl1 dгiпkiпg tl1ose little

times Bгit has to make it heгse lf, and tl1 at takes l1alf

bottles of tequil a, and it's not as if wе'ге dгiving thi s tгain. No, she's not Bгitney Speaгs, but she's the

а day, а пd tl1en she has to play with it оп tl1e living neveг seems to gain an оuпсе. Апd my mom, sl1e's

woп't Ье di sappoiпted . Edgiпg past hег, ll ook

same ca libeг of l1ot. lt's с l еаг she's pulling my pud, but iп а good way. Апd you just пееd to look at hег to kпow all you п ееd to kп ow. The оп l у сhа псе 1 l1ave is to hold on апd keep flirting back and bu yiпg the dгinks. Sl1e asks me wheгe l' m headed а пd 1 tell hег Lo llapalooza. She's wa l kiпg hег fin geгs up the froпt of my shirt, l1ег

w ithout lookiпg. 1 check l1ег out, а пd she smells good, like some kiпd of dessert, like а baked pie, li ke а pumpk iп pie w itl1 that гed-browп spice оп

fingertips stepping from snap to snap, from my belt up to my thгoat, theп wa lking heгself back dowп, and l' m hopiпg she са п 't feel lюw lыгd tl1at makes

top. Betteг yet, tl1e Ьеег bottle iп h ег mouth turns to follow me as 1 walk dowп the aisle to tl1e Ьаг

my l1eaгt beat. Апd sl1e's sucl1 а fliгt w itl1 hег gгееп eyes cuttiпg

Апd guys like me, we kпow the sсоге. Uп l ess wе'ге Johп Belushi ог j ol1п Сапdу, по hottie is go iпg to put us iп that kiпd of а п еуе lock, so гi ght

away 1 kпow eпougl1 to look away fгom h ег iп shame. Tl1e опlу геаsоп why а giгl like hег would talk to me is to Ьгеаk tl1e пews tl1at l' m а gгoss fat pig апd l' m Ыockiпg hег епtiге view of tl1e осеап. Кпоw your limits, 1 always say. Aim low апd you

1 tuck my chiп апd look dowп at the peaгl

And nothing you сап smoke or shoot will ever get you as high as you'll feel walking down the street holding hands with а supermodel total stone-cold fox like my Brit.

W e go to eat Thaпksgi v in g at my mom's place,

гооm сагреt fог anotl1eг l1our, and tl1at's why she

just stoked to see me dating aga iп. Апd notl1ing you can smoke ог slюot wi ll еvег get you as l1igh as you' ll fee l walking dow n tl1e stгeet holding haпds w ith а supeгmodel total stonecold fox like my Bгit. Guys dгivi пg dow n the stгeet in theiг Fеггагi Testaгossa, guys w itl1 the six-pack abs and steгo id pecs, fог the fiгst time in my life tl1ey have пotl1iпg оvег me. l'm wa l kiпg dowп the stгeet w ith В гitпеу, а пd sl1e's tl1e pгi ze every guy's tгying so haгd to w in. A nd the оп lу bu zzkill is how еvе гу Romeo comes to sniff а ciгc le aгound hег, tгyin g to gгаЬ h ег iп an еуе lock апd g iv iп g hе г tits hi s best Pepsodeпt toothpaste smile. And thi s опе time, гiding on the bu s, а pack of Romeos sta пd them selves а го uпd wheгe Bгit and 1 аге sitting in the back of the bus. Bгit likes to sit on the aisle гi ght оvег the back w heels so she can see to pun ch me fiгst wheп the гe's а Vo lkswagen, а пd this one Ьig Romeo

comes to sta пd w ith his crotch situated at h ег еуе level, and wheп the bus l1its а pothole maybe hi s hi p bгu shes again st hег s houldeг until Bгit looks

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up at l1im, апd talking around her finger5 in her mouth Britney 5ау5, " Hello, Big Воу." Апd that'5 ju5t lюw Brit can Ье: friendl y. And 5he w iпk5 and wave5 her wet finger5 for tl1e Romeo to lean down, and l1e look5 a rou пd to make 5ure l1i5 competition i5 clocking hi5 good luck, and thi5 Romeo 5quat5 down to Brit'5 еуе level, hi5 face all bedroom 5mirk. And maybe becau5e 5he'5 trying to make те jealou5, Brit 5ау5 to thi5 Romeo, her 5 тok in ' hot green еуе5 look at hiт and 5he a5k5, "You want to 5ее а тagic trick?" And all the other Romeo5 perk up witl1 look5 that prove they're all li 5teпiпg, and Brit take5 her finger5 out of her тouth and 5lide5 theт down iп5id e the front of her pant5, grindin g her finger5 around in5ide the 5kintight crotch of her jean5, апd the back half of our bu5 get5 50 quiet with their watching l1er fiпger5 w re5tle bel1ind her 5tonewa51led deniт zipper. And you can 5ее the5e Rотео5 5wal low, their Аdа т '5 apple5 going up апd down witl1 all their extra 5pit and their еуе5 bulging 1i ke l1o rпy boner5. And а5 fa5t а5 clobbering а 5lug bug Britney yank5 5oтething out of l1er pant5 and yell5, "Magic trick!" She 5wing5 thi5 tl1ing, 5houti пg, "Puppet 5how!" Апd 5wiпging froт l1er hand i5 5oтething оп а little 5triпg, like а tea bag оп lу Ьigger. lt'5 like а l1ot dog Ьuп 5тeared w itl1 ketcl1up 5w iп g in g on а little 5triпg, апd Britпey 5сrеат5, "Puppet 5l1ow! Magic trick! " апd 5тасk5 it acro55 the cheek of the Rотео 5ti ll 5quatting down пехt to her 5eat. And Brit cha5e5 after hiт, ye lliпg and 5lapp ing l1i 5 leather jacket witl1 5treak5 of red. And tl1e other Rотео5 а ге поt l ookiпg at her оп purpo5e, fixiпg their face5 to 5tare dowп at their 5lloe5 or look out а window; 5he'5 5winging her little 5triпg to 5тасk theт up5ide tl1eir l1ead5 with red 5теаг5, the w l1ole tiтe 5qu ea liпg, "Puppet 5llow! Magic trick!" laughing ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, 5houti пg, "Puppet 5 lюw! Magic trick!" Т11е bu5 i5 ding-ding-dinging for the next 5top, and а l1undred pa55eпger5 get off at tl1e 7 -Eieveп, pu5hiпg and 5ta тpeding off the bu5 like tl1ey all need to buy Slurpee5 апd ca5ll iп tl1eir w inning Powerball теgа jackpot ticket5. And l ' т yelling after tl1eт, " lt'5 okay, everybody!" l'т yel ling out the bu5 window, waving to get their attention, "She'5 а perforт an ce arti5t!" l ' т ye lliпg, "SI1e doe5n't теаn aпything Ьу it; it'5 ju5t 5оте politica l gender politic5 5tateтeпt deal." Even а5 the bu5 pull5 away witl1 ju5t tl1e two of u5 left oпboard, l 'т yelling, "She'5 ju5t а free 5pirit." А5 Brit goe5 up the ai5le and 5tarts floggiпg tl1e driver w ith her tea bag tl1ing, l' т ye lliпg, "TI1at'5 ju5t l1er zа пу 5еп5е of huтor." And one night 1сот е hоте froт work and Brit'5 naked апd 5taпdiпg 5ideway5 to tl1e bathrooт тirror, holding her belly iп botl1 hand5, а пd 5ince we met оп the traiп 5l1e'5 ga i пed а little weigl1t, but it'5 nothiпg that а couple week5 of piпeapple and vinegar won 't fix. And Britney take5 ту hand and hold5 ту fiпger5 5pread again5t l1er belly апd 5ау5, "Feel." She 5ау5, "1think 1ate а ЬаЬу." Апd 5he look5 at те li ke а puppy dog with her green hottie

l'm going to tell my little girls that everybody looks а little crazy if you're looking close enough, and if you can't look that close then you don't really love them.

еуе5, and 1a5k if 5he want5 me to go w ith her to the clinic and take саге of it, and 5he nod5 her head уе5. So we go on my day off, and there'5 the u5ual Sunday 5choo l teacl1er5 Ы ockiпg tl1e 5idewalk. They l1old а garbage bag full of nothing but brokenapart pla5tic ЬаЬу doll arm5 and head5 mixed together with ketchup, and Brit doe5п't he5itate. She reache5 into their bag and take5 а leg and 1ick5 it clean like а french fry, and that'5 how cool my beautiful gi rlfri end i5. And 1open а National Ceographic magazine while the nur5e a5k5 her if 5he'5 eaten anytl1ing today and Brit 5ау5 sl1e ate а whole canoe fu ll of lroquoi5 warrior5 the day before, but no, 5he ha5n' t eaten anytl1ing yet today. And 1haven't fini5hed reading thi5 one article about ancient Egyptian mummie5 before there'5 а 5cream and Britney come5 ruпniпg out of the back 5til l wearin g а paper dre55 and bare feet, li ke thi5 i5 а Ьig deal, like maybe 5lle пever had an abortion before, becau5e she run 5 barefoot all the way back to my apartment, апd to make her 5top 5haking and throwing up 1 have to a5k her to marry me. And it'5 obviou5 my fri end5 are in5anely jealou5 becau5e they throw me thi5 bachelor party, and when Britney goe5 to the ladie5' room all bummed out becau5e the chef won't carve her а war canoe, my 5o-called "friend5" alllook at me and 5ау, " Dude, 5he i5 the total mo5t-hot be5t thiпg ever, but we don't think 5he'5 5toned .. .. " Му be5t friend5 5ау, "You didn't marry her yet, did you?" And their face5 don't 5ау Brit being kпocked up i5 good new5. And you kпow the feeliпg: You wa пt your be5t friend5 апd your fiancee to me5h, but my friend5 grit their teeth and look at me w ith their eyebrow5 worried tight together in the middle, апd they 5ау, "Dude, did it ever cro55 your mind that maybe- ju5t maybe - Britney i5 mentally retarded?" Апd 1tell them to relax. She'5 ju5t ап alcol1oli c. l' m pretty certain 5lle'5 а heroin jun kie, too. That, а пd 5he'5 а 5exual compul5ive, but it'5 пothing 50 bad 5ome talk therapy wou ldn't fix l1er. Look at me: l' m fat; nobody'5 perfect. And maybe i п5tead of а wedding receptioп we cou ld get our two fami lie5 together iп а hotel confereпce room to 5urpri 5e her w itl1 an iпterveпti oп, апd iп5tead of а l1oneymoon we could get Britпey committed to а 90-day inpatient recovery program. We' ll work tl1rough th i5. But по way i5 5he retarded. She ju5t need5 5ome relыb. lt'5 obviou5 they're оп lу bad-moutl1ing Britпey becau5e tl1ey аге actually tota lly Romeo-boпer, iп5ane l y jea lou5. The miпute ll ooked the other way, tl1ey'd Ье 50 up in l1er bu5ine55. Т11еу 5ау, " Dude,

don't look now, but you fucked а retard," and that'5 how unpopular 1am, that 1 have to 5ettle for the5e 5h itty frieпd5. Brit, they iп 5i5t, lы5 the iпtellect of а 5ix-year-old. They tl1iпk tl1ey're doiпg me а favor when tl1ey tell me, " Dude, 5he сап't love you becau5e 5l1e doe5n't have tl1e capacity." Like the оп l у way 5omebody would marry me i5 if 5he had irreparaЫe brain damage. And 1tell them, "She can't Ье retarded, for crying out loud, becau5e 5he wear5 а pink thong." And it ha5 to Ье love becau5e every time we're together 1come 50 hard my 5tomach hurt5. Апd it'5 like 1told my mom'5 boyfriend atThank5giving, no, Britney i5 not а high-functioning anything. Му be5t gue55 i5 5he'5 an alcoholic, glue-5пiffing, dope-5hooting 5lut, but we're working оп getting her into treatment after 5he ha5 the ЬаЬiе5 . And maybe 5he'5 а nymphomaniac, but what'5 important here i5 5he'5 ту nymphomaniac, and that drive5 my family crazy w ith envy. 1tell them, " l' m in love with а beautiful 5ex-crazed 5lut, 50 w hy сап't you ju5t Ье happy for me?" And after all tl1at fu55 there'5 а lot le55 people at our wedd i пg thaп you'd expect. And it cou ld Ье that love make5 you prejudiced, but 1alway5 tlюugl1t Brit wa5 pretty 5mart. You know tl1e feeliпg, wl1eп you сап watch TV togetl1er for а whole year апd you both never argue over wlыt 5how5. Seriou51y, if you kпew how much TV we watch every week, you'd ca ll u5 а lырру marriage. And now 1have two little ЬаЬiе5 who 5melllike Thank5giving pie5. And when they're old enough l'm going to tell my little girl5 that everybody look5 а little crazy if you're looking clo5e enough, and if you can't look that clo5e then you don't really love them. All the wh ile life goe5 around, and it goe5 around. And if you keep waiting for 5omebody perfect you' ll never f ind love, becau5e it'5 how much you love them that make5 them perfect. And maybe l'm the retarded one becau5e 1 keep waking up expecting my happine55 to run out when 1 5hould ju5t enjoy it. Being thi5 crazy-in-love happy 5imply cannot Ье 50 еа5у. A nd 1can't expect 5uch tota l happine55 to la5t the re5t of my life, and there'5 got to Ье 5omething wrong w ith me if 1 love my w ife 50 much, and for right now l' m driving my new fami ly home from the ho5pital with my beautiful w ife 5itting next to me and our twin ЬаЬу girl 5 5afe in the back5eat, and l'm 5till worried how happine55 thi5 great can't la5t forever when Britney 5cream5, "S iug bug!" and her fi5t clobber5 my 5houlder 50 hard 1almo5t cra5h U5 into а whole Dairy Queen. FJ

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OLD

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ROCK 'N ROLL

YOUNG ТО DIE Ьу

paul kerton

always find it strangely pl easing when wo men start moaning about how older men are forever targeting younger w omen. Ditching the w ife and

then going for а younger model, like exchanging the rattling, out-ofw arranty Land Rover Di scovery for а sparklin g new funky Evoque.

W omen have selective memori es and tend to forget that it was they w ho started this tre пd wh eп still at school. Girl s do so love to tell us how they mature qui cker and how their superior needs and tastes (at that age) require а mап to match . Consequ entl y, iп their quest for experi ence and maturity, as soon as they felt the des ire to loosen their bra straps and ex perime пt sexuall y they were off, all а flutter fo r seniors, l eav iп g boys

their оwп age sitting iп class disc u ss iпg football. Ву the time we boys had reached puberty, stopped pulling faces at the

tho ught of girls апd fin ally tw igged that it might Ье а good idea to check w hat was inside their uпde rwea r, girl s our оwп age were already at third base w ith that dashing but irritating prat from the upper schoo l. W he п 1 was 15 1 had а cru sh о п thi s girl ca lled Pamela w ho, iп

term s of maturity was quite а dazz liп g spectac le- very ahead of the curves. We were truпdling along quite ni cely -

tho ught; you know,

heavy pettiпg, unt il Richard arri ved in hi s Triumph Sp itfire and literally swept her off her feet. Three yea rs older w ith а spo rts са г, assumed

faster th a п а burпing seпsati o п iп the п ether reg io п s . О г be iпg the оп е to always Ье footing the Ьi ll .

read the other day of this Engli sh wom a п

(mid 50s) w ho built up а rappo rt w ith а 24-yea r-old " handsome" Ni ge ri a п

ex pe ri e п ce, а пd а brilli a пt 1st team rugby p layer ... 1 stood п о сh а п се а пd returп ed home о п my Ьi cyc l e, defl ated а пd defeated, to sulk iп my

bed room (for about three yea rs!). So it was w ith а mild touch of irony that 1 actu ally marri ed somebody 18 yea rs younger. lt makes genetic sense. M en w ill always target а w oman w ho w ill prov ide him w ith hea lthy child-bea ring and child-

over the lпternet. They talked about meeting but, come the moment; the sп ag was he couldn 't get out of the country until he'd paid off this "small "

R480,000 debt. Апd she se nt it to him never to hear from him aga iп! Women over 40 geпe ra ll y waпt а genuiпe re l atioп s hip and if the sex is " pleasing," great . Toyboys ge п erall y wa пt а se lfish shag апd ge п e ra lly са п 't spell " re l at i o п ship ." Soc iall y, а mi ddle-aged wom aп with а toyboy

rea rin g capabllities - even if modern man may not Ье th at interested

is the equiva lent of some fat, ugly middl e-aged bu s iп ess ma n w ith а d imiпut i ve, obedient Thai or Russian bride оп hi s arm. А п d just as he

middle-aged woman with а toyboy is the equivalent of some fat, ugly middle-aged businessman with а diminutive, obedient Thai or Russian bride оп his arm.

sta пd s out like а social o utcast, а wo maп of п оЫ е age looks rid iculo us

w ith some geek iп baggy-jea ns h a пgiпg off his ass, hi s bra п ded boxers s how iпg а пd lumo laces uп do ne iп wedged takkies. Thi s is good news for me. Now that 1 am back оп the d atiп g market l've quickl y w orked out that 1 am по longer attractive to anyone under 40. So 1 have shifted my strategy accordingly. There is а wea lth of single wo me п- w ith or w itho ut c hildre п- aged from 40-50 w ho аге attractive,

intelli gent, smart, sty li sh, sassy а пd very sexy. Choose me! rJ

in chil dren himself. This primeva l instinct is embedded deep w ithiп hi s psyche а пd it's а good thing, otherw ise the species " Human" would have died out about 1 О millio п yea rs ago. But wa it; iп а rush of defi ance, the current rumoured " trend" iп

Paul was minding his own business in London when he got

Hollywood is now for older women to date youn ger men. A ltho ugh the

the саП to edit the first South African PLAYBOY, which

motive for these men may very we ll Ье experimental - answerin g the boyhood fantasy; w hat is it like to go out w ith an o lder wom a п , а MIL F~

ignited his love affair

lmages of The Craduate w ith Dustin Hoffm aп banging M rs Roblnson, returп, Demi Moore а пd As hto п ... as 1 type, а 22 -year-o ld j esus Lui z,

with South Africa. Не was

Madonп a's lover for а уеа г - has asked her to marry him. At 53, she isn't

launch editor of Men's

exactly fa lling over herself to say "1 do" for the third ti me а пd share her

Health and has written

$700 milli oп fo rtuп e . But jeezus, j esus, 1 applaud your chutzpa h.

for Cosmopolitan, Elle,

The proЫ e m for wom eп w ith а yo uпge r mап is; as soon as the age gap is more tha п four yea rs he e пte rs the rea lms of toyboy. Wo me п а ге try iп g to put it out that thi s trend is gathering mo mentum w ith а website

Esquire, GQ, Tatler (UK),

- www.toyboywarehouse.com - but 1 don't buy it. W itness those "taste

and worked at executive

the loca ls" female fa ntasy to urs w here single European and Ameri can women а ге parachuted iп to а discreet, exotic palm-fringed Afri caп resort

level on the world's top

that just happens to Ье li ttered w ith smiling, very atte пtive young loca l mе п w ith marve lous phys iques. Ssssh! Doп 't te ll . W hat goes о п iп Sierra

selling newspapers; Sunday

Lеоп е may very well stay iп Sierra Leone but thi s phase is short li ved .

judging from my obse rvati o п s; nothing turns а woman off prom iscuity

Telegraph, Sunday Express and Sunday Mirror.

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PING

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ZAR

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JHB CLUB CLOSES

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Businessman Kenny Kunene shut the doors of sexy ZAR and many bel ieve he rап the club into the ground. W e always knew there was something fishy about him.

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.. .. . .... ... . ... . .. .. . . . . .. .. . . ... . .. . . .... . .. . . .. . . .... . . ..•• GARETH CLIFF ARRESTED As if auditioning for Тор Cear, SFM DJ Gareth Cliff has joi ned the li st of celebrities who've Ьееп ca ught speeding o n our roads. Н е was doing 180 km/h on hi s way back from ап ldols aud iti o п , wh ich means it's true- nobody са п escape Randall!

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Video: Gareth Cliff Locked Up For 180 Km/h Joyride: http://zoopy. com/q/8698

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SIMPHIWE:

HAVING AN AFFAIR

SA musician Simphiwe Dana says rumo rs that she is а lesblan are not true. Tl1e proof? She says she is having an affa ir with а married man. Talk • about confessions of а drama queen!

Video: Simphiwe Dana Admits То Saucy Affair http://zoopy.com/q/8638

TOPMODEL HITTING SA The search for the co uпtry's Тор Model is о п. The co mpet itioп wi ll ruп ac ross seveп proviпces апd the top tweпty models wi 11 get the с h а псе to compete iп SA's Тор Model rea lity show. So if you think you've got w hat it takes - strike а pose!

Video: Search For SA's Тор ~~~~~· Model Launches

http://zoopy.com/q/8664

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lnnovative. Visionary. Swiss made. For the past 50 years, Rado has been exploring new ground to offer comfort, resistance and precision. From discovering hardmetal, high-tech ceramics, lanthanum and high-tech diamonds with values up to 10'000 Vickers, to developing Rado Ceramos«~. Rado challenges the future.

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