The Courier Week 5 by TKO Media

Edition 5

www.thecourier.es

Friday, 25th March 2011

PESETA IS BACK SPANISH TOWN TRADING IN THE PESETA AGAIN

Over One And A Half BILLION Euros Worth Of Pesetas Are Out There Somewhere! With the rise of oil prices threatening to slow down a Spanish economy that is already suffering, Spain has decided that enough is enough and is fighting back and in just the space of a week this wonderful country and its people have decided to begin their battle, and with a little ingenuity. In the first few days of a dramatic week Prime Minister Zapatero and his socialist government cut the speed limit on Spanish motorways (from 120km/h down to 110km/h) to kick off their energy-saving drive.

But a few days later we heard about a small town in Galicia, Mugardos, that had decided to turn the clock back almost ten years and is now, once more, trading in pesetas. The reason? when the euro was introduced in 2002 more than 1.5€ billion were never exchanged by the public and cleverly the town's 60 shopkeepers have begun accepting them again in the hope of mopping up some of the cash that’s lying around in people’s homes and it seems to be working as shoppers have been flooding into the town with their pesetas. Continued on p2

Send them in to the Courier and we’ll…er, look after them!

‘REMEMBER TO FIDDLE WITH YER CLOCK!’ 27th March

Friday, 25th March, 2011

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

TELEPHONE

96 672 6437 JUNGLE DRUMS

96 672 7334

Africa at war

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY MARCH 31st

SPAIN’S DEBTS USE A LOT OF NOUGHTS…

In Spain, a royal edict is issued by the nation's Catholic rulers declaring that all Jews who refuse to convert to Christianity will be expelled from the country. Most Spanish Jews chose exile rather than the renunciation of their religion and culture, and the Spanish economy suffered with the loss of an important portion of its workforce. Many Spanish Jews went to North Africa, the Netherlands, and the Americas, where their skills, capital, and commercial connections were put to good use. Among those who chose conversion, some risked their lives by secretly practicing Judaism, while many sincere converts were nonetheless persecuted by the Spanish Inquisition. The Spanish Muslims, or Moors, were ordered to convert to Christianity in 1502.

Continued from page 1 Thirdly, they have jumped on the ‘celebrity’ bandwagon and are using them to endorse tourist destinations in Spain. Just recently Real Madrid has signed a deal to promote Spain and its capital Madrid as tourist destinations using the club's stars, such as Cristiano Ronaldo, who will act as "brand ambassadors" and encourage foreigners to come to our shores. The authorities have been smart in this way and potentially they could be reaching an audience of more than 300 million people, which, with a little luck, could bring in a good few more tourists and, more importantly, their cash.

Data from the EBA, the European Bank Authority shows that public debt in Spain rose by 13.8% in 2010 and is now 60.1% of GDP at 638.767€ billion with most of the debt coming from central government in Madrid but it is the first time in 12 years that public debt in Spain is over 60% of GDP. In the Spanish regions 115.455€ billion is owed with the largest debts to be found in Cataluña, Valencia and Madrid with the Catalan debt standing at 31.886€ billion. The EBA declared that at the end of 2009 the debt was 53.3% of GDP, which means an increase of 6.8% in just the past 12 months. in the Spanish financial system bad debt has broken through the 6% barrier for the first time in 16 years and now stands at 110.689€ billion with the figures for banks getting worse because they have taken on the debts of CajaSur savings bank. The good news comes when we hear that the closure of bank branches in Spain has slowed down at last – in 2010 1,191 offices were closed, compared to 1,577 in 2009 leaving 42,894 bank branches across the country. Further afield and Europe meanwhile is calling on banks and savings banks to make sure that they have the cash to see out the recession.

E-MAIL office@thecourier.es WEB www.thecourier.es HEAD OFFICE Alto del Moncayo s/n, Guardamar del Segura, 03140, ALICANTE PHONE: 96 672 64 37 Email: office@thecourier.es OPENING HOURS Mon - Fri 1030 to 1730 EDITOR Dave Bull (English/Spanish) ADVERTISING SALES 96 672 6437 office@thecourier.es TELESALES 96 672 6437 616 332 178 Sally Los Alcazares, San Javier 618 391 491 Myra Quesada, Rojales, Torrevieja, San Miguel Tel. 618 583 765 Vanessa Gran Alacant, La Marina, Guardamar Tel. 638 741 847 Denise La Zenia, Playa Flamenca, Cabo Roig Tel. 697 241 753 Jean La Zenia, Playa Flamenca, Cabo Roig Tel. 618 898 034 Writers Dave Bull Malcolm Palmer Mick Hardy Spike Paul Payne Sally Bengtsson Tony Mayes Jake Monroe Dan Smith Photographer Mark Welton

Affiliations

DOH!! DEAD FUNNY

For one New Yorker, the journey to the Pearly Gates involved a detour to the city’s car pound. Last Monday, the New York City Police Department towed an illegally parked van carrying a body. The van, parked outside a Funeral Home on West 14th Street, was there to transport a body to Newark for a flight. Funeral director Paul DeNigris said he went inside the funeral home to get paperwork and answer a phone call. When he returned, the van and his ‘client’ had gone.

Monday Sunshine & Clouds High Temperature: 22°C RealFeel: 21°C

Today Cloudy & Rain High Temperature: 17°C RealFeel: 16°C

Saturday Partly Sunny High Temperature: 20°C RealFeel: 21°C

Sunday Sun and Clouds High Temperature: 23°C RealFeel: 22°C

Tuesday Clouds & Sun High Temperature: 21°C RealFeel: 24°C

Wednesday Sunny High Temperature: 25°C RealFeel: 25°C

Thursday Sunny & very warm High Temperature: 26°C RealFeel: 26°C

Publication Published by Rainbow Media, S.L. Printed by Localprint S.L Depósito legal A - 132 - 2011 The Courier, its publishers, members of staff and its agents do not accept responsibility for claims by advertisers nor can it be held responsible for any errors in advertisements which are reproduced from poor artwork, low quality electronic data or inadequate instructions for text or other layout features. Further no responsibility is accepted for any loss or damage caused by an error, inaccuracy or non-appearance of any advertisement, although all advertisements produced are checked prior to insertion. We regret that we cannot accept responsibility for more than ONE incorrect insertion and that no re-publication will be granted in the case of typographical or minor changes which do not affect the value of the advertisement. E&OE. NO PART OF THIS NEWSPAPER MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE PUBLISHERS.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

SISTERS ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES!

NUNS GET THE ABBEY HABIT BY KEEPING 1.5€ MILLION CASH… IN A WARDROBE! A stash of cash, tucked away in a wardrobe at a nunnery has been stolen and allegations of ‘funny money’ and dodgy dealing amongst the sisters have been thrown at the convent in the north of Spain. The authorities are a little baffled too considering the nuns have all taken the traditional vow of poverty, which has attracted the attention of the police and tax inspectors in Spain who are more than curious to know why the nuns at Zaragoza's Santa Lucia convent have claimed that a robber had stolen the €1.5m in cash from them.

Suspecting that the cash they amassed did not come solely from the Sunday collection plate, the investigators are interested in the nuns' unorthodox banking system which apparently consisted of using dozens of black bin liners stuffed with high denomination euro banknotes. However, they also later changed their story, claiming that the cash had disappeared while they were saying their prayers a fortnight ago, and that it only amounted to €450,000 which is not helping them lift the veil of suspicion that hangs over them. The haul of cash was tucked away in a locked cupboard, with much of it in the €500 notes favoured by those preferring cash deals in Spain's abundant black economy. Allegedly the thief knew exactly where to find the bin liners and when the nuns would be occupied, praying in their chapel.

DYCK POPS UP

The nuns live a comfortable life unlike most of the nuns who live in the hundreds of old and half-empty convents dotted around Spain and, of course, the 16 Cistercians at Santa Lucia have no financial problems. But they insisted that they had been preparing to distribute some of the money to other convents in financial difficulties but the rob-

‘a major setback in their finances’ bers got there first. Their work, as expert restorers of old books, means that their services are constantly required by libraries and private collectors and neighbours confirmed that the convent was always busy, and the nuns' white van was constantly driving in and out of the gates. One of the now skint nuns, Sister Isabel Guerra, is an accomplished portrait painter and her paintings often fetch up to €40,000 each, which the

Bin saving sisters say are key to financially maintaining other Cistercian convents around Spain. The nuns' lawyer, Jesús Garcia Huíci, said they were stunned by the robbery adding that "They are trusting people, and are upset at having been the victims of a robbery, especially by someone who obviously knew their way around their home." He went on to deny that they worked for cash and said they always issued facturas with their tax number on – praising their frugality by insisting the cash came from a lifetime of saving. Police suspect that builders who had been working on the convent for the past three months may have been involved and are investigating but in what must be the understatement of the year (so far) their lawyer said that it was ‘a major setback in their finances,’ The nuns apparently want to be left alone in peace and can only hope that they get their cash back, in the meantime, local villagers are helping out by offering to pay any bills they are now unable to cover. Spain's black economy accounts for 17.6% of the country's GDP.

A painting that had lain in the basement of the San Fernando Royal Academy of Fine Arts in Madrid for more than a century and was believed to be a copy of the Virgin and Child by 17th century Flemish master Anthony van Dyck. The painting depicts the Virgin Mary with the baby Jesus in her arms watched by Mary Magdalene, King David and the Prodigal Son. But restorers have since last July undertaken a painstaking study of the work using pigment and X-ray analysis, and have now confirmed it to be the work of Van Dyck painted around 1625, (that’s the year not the time…) was originally part of the collection of the Duke of Medina de las Torres, the Spanish Viceroy of Naples. Later, in the 17th century it was transferred to the monastery of El Escorial outside Madrid, where it survived the pillaging of the Napoleonic invasion of 1808.Van Dyck finished around 800 paintings before his death at the age of 42 in 1641.

GREAT OUTDOORS

Pretty hard up - the nuns have seen the cash slip through their fingers

You may have noticed that roadsides and a lot more waste and farmland is covered with yellow flowers right now. These are ‘Bermuda Buttercups’- but they don’t come from Bermuda and they aren’t buttercups. A weed of South African origin, they have colonised Spain very easily – and may well give rise to some allergies.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

SAYS

WON’T CONVINCE US Since the first issue when we printed an article about how much we don’t like bullfighting there seems to have been an increase in debate amongst Brits on the subject. Debate is always good and healthy and should be encouraged as much as possible because we all know that there are two sides to every argument, don’t we? Agreed…except when it comes to bullfighting, just barbaric. End of debate.

BEST WE FORGET? Our thoughts and prayers to those in the news and suffering in places like Libya and Japan but let’s not forget that there are still people being attacked beaten and arrested in places like Egypt and Bahrain. The fact that they have fallen off the top of the news is no excuse but perhaps the news that Bahrain is the US of A’s navy base in the middle east, and a close ally, is a reason we don’t hear too much about it anymore…

Protestors

SPAIN TO PAY BASQUE LEADER COMPENSATION Apparently you CAN say what you want about the king By Spike Spain must pay €23,000 in compensation to a radical Basque separatist leader after wrongly sentencing him to jail for insulting King Juan Carlos, following a ruling from the European court of human rights. Spain must compensate Arnaldo Otegi after the court in Strasbourg ruled last Tuesday that he (Otegi) should receive the huge pay-out from the Spanish taxpayers for breaching his right to freedom of expression after he accused the Spanish monarch of protecting police torturers. Otegi made the accusations soon after police raided and closed down the Basque-language Egunkaria newspaper in February 2003 and the editor, Martxelo Otamendi, and other executives claimed that they had been tortured. It was not long after that Juan Carlos visited the Basque country and Otegi

Arnaldo Otegi celebrates said at the time that as the supreme head of the civil guard police force the king was therefore ultimately responsible for those who had tortured Egunkaria staff. He went on to claim the king protected torture and imposed his monarchical regime on his people by using torture and violence. It took three years to get him in to court but the Spanish courts quickly found him guilty of insulting the king and gave him a one-year suspended jail sentence and

made him pay the costs of the trial. But, now the Strasbourg court has decided Otegidid not get justice and was within his rights as a politician to air his opinions about the king even though the torture allegations were never proven. The court went on to say that his comments were made in his role as an elected member of and spokesperson for a parliamentary group and was speaking in the context of the recent closure of the

Egunkaria newspaper and the complaint from employees who were alleging illtreatment. The court also agreed that his remarks could be valued as contributing to a wider public debate on the possible responsibility of the state security forces in cases of ill treatment of people under arrest and it follows on from a case last year when Spanish judges threw out a case that alleged that Otamendi and his fellow Egunkaria executives had been working with ETA but that decision came too late to save the Egunkaria newspaper. Otegi may have a case as just three months ago four civil guard police officers were found guilty of torturing members of an ETA unit that had killed two people with a bomb at Madrid's Barajas airport in 2006. However, Otegi is part of a group of separatist leaders now working with ETA to try to bring an end to four decades of terrorism.

CRUSADERS ON THE MARCH FOR JUDGE Protestors claim ‘cover up’ as crusading judge awaits trial By Dave Bull Behind a placard reading "Truth, Justice and Redress" Spanish actors, writers and union leaders joined a protest in Madrid last Saturday. Hundreds hit the streets of the capital in support of embattled Judge Baltasar Garzón who was suspended last year and is now awaiting a trial for alleged abuse of power. Beneath a picture of Garzón, speakers demanded an end to what they claimed was persecution of the judge. Garzón is known for his attempt to extradite former Chilean dictator

Augusto Pinochet from Britain for human rights abuses in 1998 and has fought injustices in Spain since. Head of the CCOO union, Ignacio Fernandez Toxo, told the crowd in the Plaza Mayor, in Madrid's historic centre that, "The quality of Spanish democracy will not be complete until this situation is resolved,”. Other big names addressed the gathering and included actress Pilar Bardem, the mother of Oscar-winning actor Javier Bardem, and the poet Marcos Ana, who was imprisoned under the Franco dictatorship. In a statement, the umbrella group "In Solidarity with Garzón"

which organised the demonstration asked for an end to the attempt to criminalise the actions of the judge and they condemned the "unacceptable inaction" of the Spanish government and courts in this case. last year Garzón was suspended from his job and is awaiting trial for an alleged abuse of power after he opened a probe into the disappearance of tens of thousands of people during Spain's 1936-39 civil war and General Francisco Franco's subsequent right-wing dictatorship but on Saturday protesters carried banners reading "Universal justice here!" and "The crime is to cover up crimes".

TOP 7 CASTLES IN THE WORLD 1 Windsor Castle Often famed to be the most famous castle of England, Windsor Castle belongs to the English royalty for more than 9 centuries. This castle was built by William the Conqueror to guard the entrance to London on the banks of the Thames. Today, it is an official residence of the Queen of England. 2 Castello di Strassoldo di Sopra One of the most famous castles of Italy, the Castello di Strassoldo di Sopra is located in northeast of the country near the Castello di

Strassoldo di Sotto. The castle is a private property and the halls open only twice a year during spring and autumn. 3 Château de Versailles This castle was built by Louis XIV near Paris and is also known as the Palace of Versailles. Visitors are allowed to enter particular portions of this palace and it has been termed as one of the UNESCO World Heritage Site. 4 Arg-é Bam Castle This castle was built on the ancient Silk Road around 500 BCE and was

used till 1850 CE. Located in Bam, Iran, the castle holds the record for the largest adobe building in the world. It is listed in the UNESCO World Heritage Site. Sadly, an earthquake in 2003 destroyed major portions of the ancient buildings. 5 Forbidden City The Forbidden City in Beijing, China, is a fort that contains a selfsustainable city inside it. It was the seat of the supreme power of the Chinese empire till 1911. 6 Himeji Castle The Himeji Castle of Japan was

built by Akamatsu Sadanori in 1346. It is also known as the White Heron Castle. The building was enlisted as a national treasure in 1931 and was made part of the UNESCO World Cultural and Heritage Sites in 1993. 7 Chapultepec Castle The Chapultepec Castle of Mexico City is perched on the highest point of the Chapultepec Park. The building has been previously used as a military academy, imperial palace, an observatory and a museum. The castle was featured in the movie “Romeo and Juliet” (1996).

Friday, 25th March, 2011

WAITING ON THE WORLD

Working in a famous restaurant chain, Tony gets to see all sorts of things going on – some he can tell us about here and the rest (the naughty stuff) will have to wait for another day… I currently work for a famous restaurant chain as a waiter. A lowly paid position that is greatly enhanced by the gratuities passed on by the customer. I smile my way through ten hour shifts dealing with kids’ birthday parties. Gay marriage proposals, divorce parties, reconciliations, cheating husbands and wives and family meals – I serve them all, I kid you not. Modern day Britain sits at my tables on a daily basis. I work with Brazilians and other south Americans plus Portuguese, Italians, French, Turks – a real league of nations. These are the people who do the jobs that we don’t seem to be able to fill with Brits. Casper, my Turkish mate, has taken the exam which forms part of his application for British citizenship – which he passed. He asked me some of the exam questions and one of them took me by surprise. It was ‘What percentage of indigenous population of London is British?’ the answer was roughly the same as the amount of indigenous Spanish that live in La Marina. If I had been compelled to answer all of the questions, there is no doubt about it, I would have to be deport-

ed from the UK; ‘Spain please Mr Immigration officer!’ The Brits I do work with are generally under twenty six years old, and they affectionately call me ‘Granddad.’ The common bond that runs through all of this group is that they are all university educated but find that they can only officially earn less than £15,000 because any more would mean that they would have to start repaying the £20£25,00 of student debt made up of university fees to the govern-

ment? As I said previously, all British life is in my restaurant and I’ll leave you with one of our own tips… don’t count your change over a drain…

ment. What a tragic waste of talent, potential and education this represents. Is it any wonder that throughout the Middle East, and our own country for that matter, the youth are rebelling against the systems of govern-

FARE TRADE AT TRADE FAIR Apyemco, if you didn’t know already, is a platform for local and international businesses in and around Torrevieja. With backing from the Town Hall in Torrevieja and affiliated to FACPYME (Federación Alicantina de Comercio de la Pequeña y Mediana Empresa) and the Confederación Valenciana de Comercio (COVACO) Apyemco is a non-profit making association whose aims are to integrate local businesses and improve business and trade in general for all its members.

They are a busy lot and hold conferences to help, promote and assist businesses in the day to day running and always keeping up to date in the modern world of commerce. At Apyemco HQ over 400m2 is available made up of meeting rooms, offices conference rooms and more plus courses such as IT, work meetings and the like can be held there keeping Apyemco and its members at the heart of business in Torrevieja As part of their on-going ethos of promoting local business Apyemco will be holding a four day trade fair next to Marina

Salinas starting from the 30th of March with the first day of the Trade Fair for exhibitors only to get together and exchange ideas etc. a business lunch is being provided between 2pm and 4pm, thereafter third party professionals are welcome to enter. With 400 PLUS stands signed up to attend the Trade Fair over the 4 days the crowds are expected to be very large. A Press Stand available for all Local Newspapers will help to keep visitors informed as they browse the many businesses on show For more information take a look at www.expotorrevieja.es

Friday, 25th March, 2011

DO YOU REMEMBER…?

1976

Technology

Inflation continues to be a problem around the world. Concorde enters service and cuts transatlantic flying time to 3 1/2 hours. One year after Microsoft is formed Apple is formed by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. Nadia Comaneci scores the first ever perfect score in Gymnastics. In South Africa Riots in Soweto mark the beginning of the end of apartheid. In music the first of the Punk Bands appear The Damned release New Rose classified as Punk Rock Music

In 1976… Average House Price UK £12,704 Gallon of Petrol £0.76 Yearly Inflation Rate UK 16.5% Interest Rates Year End Bank of England 14.25%

What Happened in 1976?

Canada - Nadia Comaneci wins 3 gold medals at the Montreal Olympics with seven perfect scores U.S. - First Legionnaires Disease affects 4,000 delegates in Pennsylvania on 23rd July from a chapter of the American Legion South Africa - Soweto riots in South Africa mark the beginning of the end of apartheid

•Concorde operated by Britain and France enters service cuts transatlantic flying time to 3 1/2 hours •Apple Computer Company is formed by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak •First laser printer introduced by IBM - the IBM 3800 •NASA Unveils first space shuttle, the Enterprise •An American Panel warns that CFC's Chlorofluorocarbons used in Aerosol Cans damage the Ozone layer •The Olympics, broadcast from Montreal, Canada, draw an estimated one billion viewers worldwide. •Matsushita introduces the VHS home video cassette recorder to compete with Sony's Beta max system. •Landing Vehicles from the US Spacecraft Viking I and Viking II set down safely on Mars

Popular Culture 1976 •The Damned release New Rose - the first ever single released / marketed as "punk rock".

Popular Films •One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest •All the President's Men •The Omen •Taxi Driver •The Outlaw Josey Wales •Rocky •The Enforcer

Popular Musicians and songs

China - Earthquake in Tabgshan China kills 655,000 Italy - Earthquake measuring 6.5 on the Richter scale strikes in North Eastern Italy Philippines - Tidal Wave in Philippines kills 5,000 UK - The First Commercial Concorde Flights take off UK - Worst Drought on record hits Britain forcing the use of Standpipes Argentina - Maria Peron Deposed by Military Coup in Argentina U.S. -Hurricane Belle Hits US East Coast UK -James Callaghan becomes Britain’s Prime Minister Canada - 32 Black African Nations Boycott Montreal Olympics in protest to continued sporting links between New Zealand and South Africa Guatemala - In Guatemala and Honduras an earthquake kills more than 22,000.

Sudan - The world’s first recorded Ebola virus epidemic begins in Sudan Uganda - Palestinian extremists hijack an Air France plane in Greece with 246 passengers and 12 crew. They take it to Entebbe, Uganda, where Israeli commandos storm the plane freeing the hostages Israel - A Hijacked Sabena Boeing is stormed by Israeli soldiers releasing 100 hostages

•Bay City Rollers •Barry Manilow •Diana Ross •Paul Simon •The Four Seasons •Paul McCartney and Wings •Elton John •Rod Stewart •Queen •ABBA Politics Political Elections This Year United Kingdom Prime Minister Harold Wilson Till 5 April - Prime Minister James Callaghan takes over from 5 April United States Presidential Election 1976 Jimmy Carter (Democratic) Defeats Gerald Ford (Republican)

U.S. - United States Bicentennial Iceland - Cod Wars between Iceland and United Kingdom China - Mao Tse-tung Dies the founder of the Chinese Communist Party U.S. - Argentina Peso, British Pound and Italian Lira all lose value against the US Dollar U.S. - In New York City, the "Son of Sam" pulls a gun on July 29th and begins a series of attacks that terrorized the city for the next year.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STAND UP TO WOMEN… D’ya reckon it’s real? Or could it be that they’ve been fooling us for bloody years into ‘putting up with it’ for one week every month. I’ve no doubt that women are smarter than men, I think that dates back to when we were the ‘hunter’ and they sat in the cave and thought about things…for something to do. What am I on about? Bloody PMT that’s what. As you can probably gather, I’ve just been suffering from a bout of it, by proxy, and it just stuns me that women can turn from Julie Andrews into Rose West, and back again, in the space of a week. One minute you’re holding hands, eating sandwiches on the beach and saying smoochy things in each other’s ears and the next you’re locked in a Mini with a Tasmanian devil, that’s pissed off. All rhyme or reason disappears at this time of the month – you may as well try discussing child birth with the kettle. A typical situation might go something like, she says, ‘where’s the milk?’ and you reply, ‘in the fridge dear’, she will the respond with ‘YOU @!”£%$$%^* TOSSER’!

Of course dear

HOW DOES THAT WORK THEN?

How do you solve a problem like black money...? Sisters of the cloth – or nuns to you and I – take a vow of chastity and poverty when they sign up, or whatever it is they do to get in the habit and live their life giving their love to Him and their dosh to the church. So how come Zaragoza's Santa Lucia convent claimed that a robber had stolen €1.5m in cash from them? And where did they get it from? And why did they keep it in big black bin liners rather than their own account in the CAM or something? According to their solicitor they have denied that they worked for black economy

money and said they always issued receipts and bills with their tax number on. He said the money comes from a lifetime of saving… Allegedly the nuns at the Santa Lucia live a pretty good life and held on to the money in case other convents around the country needed it – although the crumbling convents around Spain say that they have seen none of it. Seems a little dodgy though doesn’t it? And you know the police won’t get anything out of them – they’ve probably taken a vow of silence too…I bet they manage to stick to that one…?

GETTING MY GOAT An early morning call from the Jehovah’s witnesses. I’d heard them coming before they rang the bell; their sandals were slapping on the tarmac like a slow hand clap, so I was ready for them. Even though I had woken up about every twenty minutes during the night expecting a load of grinning Indians to come dancing into the room (explain later…) I was in a fairly good mood, and vowed not to swear in front of them again.

When I opened the door the Gestapo were standing in front of me. To be accurate one of them looked like Herr Flick from ‘Allo ‘Allo….and so did the other. ‘Gut morning… er…’ he said looking at a piece of card in his hand that was clearly a list of suspects, I mean, people to visit, ‘…David!’ he shouted, eventually. ‘Ve have come to talk to you about ze joy of God (which sounded like ‘goat’ or perhaps he did mean goat – there are some strange people about you know). ‘My goat is your goat – you understand

We have no chance, of neither understanding nor getting it right or even saying the right thing because as far as I can tell for one week each month – they want to kill us, slowly. For that seven days or so they hold us responsible for all that is wrong in the world, and their life and for pretty much anything they care to choose because PMT gives them every damn right to, apparently. I wouldn’t be so bad if it was just ‘Tosser!’ now and again, I’m used to that, but somehow, and I don’t know how, they manage to then persuade you (having chewed your nuts off earlier) that it was in fact your fault that she needed to shout at you earlier and that some way of ‘making it up’ would be appreciated. Like taking them for an expensive meal or putting that shelf up because it will somehow, incredibly ‘make everyone’s lives easier’. Whether it’s real or not, it must surely be up there along with the other amazing and rapid transformations such as the fishes and the wine…? But somebody needs to stand up to them and tell them that they can’t treat us like it anymore. It’s just not gonna be me.

STOCK? DON’T BE DAFT Have you been shopping here in Spain? of course you have…and what a bloody nightmare it is, no matter if you’re buying a screwdriver or a whole new wardrobe (either kind) you will have your patience tested to the limit by an ‘assistant’ who is an ‘expert’ not only in producing a face full of zits, but also in whatever their current employer sells. After selling you a new suit (that doesn’t fit) be assured that you can return home with your purchase safe in the knowledge that last week that salesman was working elsewhere…asking customers, ‘do you want chips with that…?’ Ask them about having something in stock and you may as well have asked if you could bugger their pet Labrador for all the help you’ll get. The first thing that they’ll do, when the sales assistant has finished talking to her mate and offered you a few moments of her valuable time, is look at the shoe that you’d like to try on (but in a size above ‘pygmy’) and walk back to exactly where you have been searching while she’s been on the blower and look around for a bit before telling you what you already know. At this

Are you being served...? point you ask if they may have some in stock. In the back maybe? Again, the Labrador look appears on her face until it dawns on her that there could be a remote chance that they have more than one pair of each shoe. So off she trots and now is the time to take a rest or read a good book because she won’t be back for what seems like weeks and you know, you just bloody well

David?’ ‘Yup’, I replied. ‘zer ees only vun goat for all of us and He ees with us all ze time… especially ven we are on our knees; our goat ees right zer in front of us, answering our prayers and fulfilling our dreamz…you understand David?’ I thought that it was probably against the law, but answered yes, I understood. ‘Ve shall kneel now and become one with goat?’ Said one of the Flicks.

know that, after waiting so long that several prime ministers have come and gone, you will be disappointed. And in that respect they never let you down. Back she comes, looking slightly older, with a box containing shoes - so far so good - and the right size, things are looking up, until you open it and find a completely different shoe to the one you’d hoped to see. I declined, politely, said I had something to get on with and managed to shut the door before anymore farmyard animals were introduced.

You’ll hear them coming

Friday, 25th March, 2011

ANYBODY LOST 1.8€ BILLION?…NO? As most people struggle in the world wide crisis Spain's banks sit on a fortune that has yet to be claimed

I’ve tried to convince them it’s mine but they won’t have it. You see Spanish police are looking for the owner of 1.8€ billion which is held in several banks after tax inspectors raised concerns that the accounts might contain laundered money. Now a court order has frozen the accounts but whoever it is who is the rightful owner or owners, they have yet to step forward and claim the cash. It could simply be that the cash belongs to one person, who would make them one of the ten wealthiest people in Spain and owner of one of the world's 500 biggest fortunes, and they just don’t want any publicity, or…it could be nicked. A police spokesman said the money

appeared to have come from Spain and looks to have been filtered through a network of trusts and other companies based in various offshore havens and quite a few companies and trusts in Luxembourg, Ireland and the Portuguese island of Madeira which are all reportedly being investigated by Interpol. This latest search follows police raids on four banks and several other financial businesses in Madrid and Barcelona last month and a spokesman for the police added, "The money was then

MOBILE CON HITTING THE COSTAS Conman pretends to work for ‘phone company Police have asked us to pass on a warn- moments they will thank them saying that ing of a mobile phone they have found no problems con that has left on the line. some victims here on The final result is the person the costa out of pockwho has put the code into the et by hundreds of phone has been linked to the euros. Apparently conman’s mobile and each and rogue engineers posevery call from then on will be ing as workers for paid for by the victim. Police phone giant Movistar, have reported several who or a sub-contractor of have mobile phone bills going theirs, and asking into the thousands containing people to run a few calls that they knew nothing tests on their line. about. They then ask their The ever helpful Movistar are victims to punch in a reported as saying they don’t code (90 followed by) # know how to stop the fraud – or Don't touch that dial and after a few how to remove the code.

sent on to foreign banks before, via Luxembourg, being sent back to Spain," Spanish newspapers are alleging that the

loot comes from local construction companies that are trying to avoid paying tax. This follows a lead from the only person police had managed to trace with any connection to the money was a low-ranking administrator at a Spanish insurance company. This turned out to be the same insurance firm linked to a series of building companies. The investigation is being led by Spain’s top magistrate Baltasar Garzón and comes as Spain is attempting to cut down the huge amount of alleged widespread corruption in the construction industry and town hall planning departments. "We are investigating possible crimes of money laundering and tax fraud," said Spain's anti-corruption prosecutors.

EXPAT LIFE IS GOOD FOR YOU! Expat life has many benefits although increased salary is certainly not among them (hope my boss is reading this). Just 21% reported that their salary was significantly better than in the UK and almost 22% reporting their salary as much lower.

However, the amount of free time improved for the vast majority, 61%, while apparently our love lives (47%) took a turn for the good by coming abroad. We have less stress as the level of it improved for 53%, and that was combined with improvements in overall physical health for good 46%. Added together these factors show that our overall quality of life (for the majority) is better after 65% of respondents rated life as better when working and living abroad. Expat life is good for you

Friday, 25th March, 2011

I’M NOT HOUNDING THE DOGS BUT…

Tony Mayes …says it like it is.

And roundabouts…there’s another bone of contention. THERE'S so much to enjoy living in Spain, the weather, (well most of the time when it's not cloudy and blowing a gale) the enjoyable choice of lowpriced food, the lower cost of living and the knowledge that if we're ill, we'll receive first class treatment in the local hospitals. I could also add the lovely beaches, walks inland through the orange and lemon groves, and the fact that the people are more friendly than back home they are more relaxed and have got more time for each other. But there are two things which really get my goat here, yes, only two - dog mess everywhere and appalling driving standards. On public health grounds the filth on the pavements, open spaces and parkland is an urgent one and Spain should get it sorted. It's like going back 25 years in Britain, before the government and local councils started the crackdown. I think it crazy that the Spanish will not accept blood donations from Brits because of the fear of mad cow disease (sorry I've eaten beef all my life and I think I still have my brain cells intact) and yet tolerate the huge public health risks associated by dog excrement everywhere. Just in the hope that any Spanish politician reads this, Britain achieved almost poop-free streets, parks and open spaces thanks to a two-prong attack. It was achieved thanks to a combination of publicity warning of the public health dangers and also the big stick of fines if people were caught not clearing up after their pets.

Hardly the dogs fault A stiff fine and the offenders' names and addresses appearing in the local press did the trick. Suddenly the

bad-apple dog owners were persuaded to clean up. The provision of dog poo boxes in parks and open spaces

also helped. In Spain councils have provided the poo boxes and also plastic bags but still

hundreds of dog owners in this area are regularly showing they are irresponsible. In my book they are not

fit to own their pets. It's about time councils here employed plain clothed inspectors to keep watch on dog owners who do not clean up after their pets and prosecute offenders. Judging by the extent of the problem I'm sure they will be cost effective, maybe it will prove to be a money earner. The other gripe is the atrocious bad driving in this part of Spain, particularly at roundabouts and the almost total lack of signalling. It's little wonder that so many cars and vans have dents and scrapes when driving standards are so bad. Drivers just seem to go haywire when it comes to roundabouts. The rules are simple - you give way to vehicles on the roundabout and don't enter until the road is clear. If you want to turn right you approach the roundabout signalling right and turn when the road is clear. If you are going straight on, approach on the left or right lane and enter the roundabout, again when the road is clear. If there's a vehicle waiting to enter the roundabout then a signal right just before leaving the roundabout is courteous. If you are turning left, look in the mirror, indicate, move to the left hand lane, enter the roundabout when clear, continuing to indicate left, and then switch to indicating right as you approach the road you are entering. Never stay on the outside lane on the roundabout if you are turning left or going all the way round and make sure you properly indicate your intentions. Just imagine how safer the roads would be if people were courteous to each other!

SPAIN – 100 years ago 1911

75 years ago

50 years ago

Problem for Spain in Canaries Spain is facing a very important colonial problem in the Canary Islands. The unrest in the archipelago, which included even threats of revolution and talk of independence last year, was temporarily appeased by the promises recently made by Señor Canalejas, the premier, to satisfy promptly the islanders’ demands. Several deputations from Las Palmas and Tenerife have come to Madrid recently, and at the government’s request, General Eulate, now civil governor of the Canaries, has drawn up a long and detailed report of the situation.

1936 Hitler Wants Fortifications It is not unlikely that after preliminary skirmishes the session in London will be featured by a battle royal over the question of prospective fortifications in the Rhineland. Reports from Paris indicate that this is the issue which, now almost obscured by camouflage, is uppermost in the minds both of the French government and the French general staff. The French delegation in London is expected to prove especially insistent that Germany shall undertake not to fortify the zone. The German delegation is certain to resist this demand stubbornly.

1961 Peking Pushes Culture Abroad Communist China is pushing a three-pronged cultural offensive in Africa, Latin America and Asia. The drive is cutting into cultural relations with the Soviet Union and other nations in the Communist bloc. In fact, in some areas, Peking and Moscow appear to be competing in their campaign to make friends and influence people abroad. The Peking radio, for instance, now outdoes the Moscow radio in propaganda broadcasts to Africa, beaming 70 hours a week in English-, French- and Portugueselanguage programs.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

STRANGE TURN

By Keith Daniels The plane landed half an hour early. It taxied to a halt and 150 passengers made for the shuttle train taking them to Stansted’s terminal building. After collecting his case Chris made straight for the car rental desks. Choosing the shortest queue he rented a diesel Focus for 5 days. Oh, and did they have a Tomtom satellite thingy he could hire? Within 15 minutes he was on the M11 taking what the Tomtom told him was the shortest route to his mate’s home in Pinner. He’d been looking forward to spending a few days with some old work chums. He hadn’t seen many of them for over ten years, since he and his wife had retired to Spain. Traffic was unusually quiet on the motorway, and he was making good time. He expected to turn onto the M25, so was surprised when the dulcet tones of the Tomtom lady announced “Exit ahead” and told him to leave the motorway and take the turn for Epping. Still, he’d asked for the shortest route and although he’d read about satnavs sending cars onto railway lines and into rivers he guessed that was down to a shortage of common sense on the part of the driver. As he headed towards Epping the road seemed to take on a strange quality. It was difficult to describe, just “different”. The usual rhubarb and custard colour scheme of the Tomtom dissolved into an iridescent blue that glowed around the unit. The engine note was transformed from the thrum of a diesel to a whisper, like a soft breeze blowing through a field of corn. He felt as though he was somehow detached from the car.

More directions came from the Tomtom lady. Her voice was no longer the precise, newsreader tones he had been hearing, but now she had an ethereal, otherworldly quality. He found himself driving along a narrow country road. There were no street lights, yet the road itself was glowing. As he rounded a bend he saw a Rangerover speeding towards him. You’re on the wrong side of the road you idiot! he thought. And then the awful truth dawned on him. He was the one on the wrong side of the road. After years of driving in Spain and with all this weirdness going on, he’d forgotten which side of the road he should be. The Rangerover swerved violently to its right, missing his car by inches, but the speed it had been going meant it couldn’t cope with

the sudden change of direction and it rolled over before hitting a tree. A second later there was a tremendous explosion and the Rangerover and the people inside were scattered over the Essex countryside. The blast momentarily blinded and deafened him. He slowly became aware that the Focus had somehow come to a halt, its engine ticking over, the whisper replaced by the familiar diesel rattle. Hesitantly he got out of the car out to see what had happened to the Rangerover and the remains of its occupants. But as he looked back there was nothing. No sign of any crash: no wreckage, no bodies. Zilch. Nada. What the hell was going on? He shook his head and pinched himself. He half expected to wake up and find he was still on

the plane having a bad dream. But no, he was on a country road in Essex. He climbed back into the car. The glow from the road was gone, the Tomtom back to its usual awful colour scheme, and “Miss Newsnight” was back to her plummy tones telling him to “Turn around when possible”. Totally bewildered he did as he was told and before long was back on the M25. Half an hour later he pulled up at his mate’s house in Pinner. “Welcome to sunny England, you made good time” his old friend Paul greeted him. “How the devil are you?” After his strange experience Chris shuddered at the mention of “the devil”. “I’m fine. Had a good trip, but pretty knackered after the flight. I was even having hallucinations during

the drive here” Chris replied. “Yeah, well you can hallucinate over a large gin and tonic” countered Paul. After an excellent meal at Paul’s favourite local restaurant and a nightcap back at the house, Chris climbed gratefully into bed. The strange happenings of earlier had completely slipped his mind and he slept soundly. The next morning Chris came down to breakfast to find Paul had popped out to get a morning paper. Ten minutes later he was back. “Cup of tea? Toast?” he asked Chris. “Yeah, whatever. That’ll be fine.” Having sorted out Chris’s culinary requirements Paul sat down to work his way through the Daily Mail. “Listen to this Chris” he said. “Bit of an oddball story here. The police found a Rangerover wrecked in a lane near Epping in Essex last night. Apparently it had rolled over and crashed into a tree and then exploded. Inside they found the remains of four Arabic looking men. Each of them had had explosives strapped to their bodies, and they found fragments of a map with four London underground stations marked on it. Looks like they were planning to blow themselves up in the tube stations, but luckily they crashed their car instead. Strange thing is the police can’t find any reason why it crashed. It looks like it swerved suddenly and the driver wasn’t able to stop it rolling over. That’s the trouble with these Chelsea tractors, they can be a bit tippy. But there was nothing on the road to make it swerve like that. Wonder how it happened?” Chris felt a shiver run down his spine. He knew.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

A DIFFRERNET POINT OF VIEW

Law and order BY Suzanne Manners Newton’s law states that to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Drop a stone into a pond and tiny waves will ripple outward. Push someone and they will push back (the larger the pusher the larger the push so be very careful when testing this law). Natural laws are adhered to everyday without argument (unlike traffic laws). Imagine if you inadvertently broke the law of gravity and woke with your face pressed against the ceiling, or Darwin had discovered that nature was all about survival of the weakest and you find yourself in the unnerving position of being a hostile physical presence to Big Tracy who had bullied you mercilessly throughout your school career (one can but dream). What if every natural law, everything we knew about the world was suddenly turned on its head- the more you ate the less you weighed, water made you drunk, smoking cured cancer, lunatics never looked you in the eye, only ugly people got laid, women ruled the world and the queen’s children were all honest, decent and intelligent human beings capable of great compassion and sacrifice (okay that last example was too absurd).

‘The Inquisition an equal opportunities employer.’ The Romans celebrated a festival called the Saturnalia (or the world turned upside down) which persisted well into the Middle Ages in England. During the festival, peasants and slaves became lords and lords and ladies rolled around in muck eating turnips and eyeing up the sheep (but only the ugly ones). The festival was noted for its complete disregard for any social mores or niceties and was thoroughly enjoyed by all involved (although I believe the phrase ‘what happens on the Saturnalia stays on the saturnalia’ originated around this time, as sheepish (!)looking Lords and ladies returned to their day job of dispensing orders and soundly whipping any slave/peasant in their vicinity ) This was all well and good for the Lord and Lady but for the peasant I doubt that it entirely made up for the other 358 days of soul destroying poverty and back breaking labour. Life was hard for the Medieval serf but to return to Newton’s law, the hard work of the majority of humanity was offset by the idleness of the ruling classes (no change there then). This idleness in turn created a wealth of highly original and creative devices designed to torture, imprison, demean and ultimately despatch ones fellow human being. The devil does indeed create work for idle hands. I am particularly fond of the Scolds Bridle, and let’s be honest here, who hasn’t yearned for such a device when confronted with a nagging husband, wife, child, parent, boss, customer...imagine being able to legitimately clamp a rusty metal contraption over the offending scold’s head and delight in the ensuing silence . So the reaction to idleness was torture. If the Spanish inquisitors had had to traipse off to the office/factory/school/supermarket everyday from 9 till 5 would we have had the delights of the Auto Da Fe to read about today? ‘’Look here Señor Galileo I would love to apply hot pokers to your nipples but I have a 3 o’clock with the accountant and dinner with the Harrisons at 7...can you show yourself out?’’ Perhaps, men being men (irrational and as mad as a bucket of frogs), Torquemada would have created a kind of do it yourself inquisition, sharing the burden so to speak, a little like self assessment tax forms. Maybe there could be a whole Inquisition employment plan; maternity benefits for all and a cast leg iron pension plan. ‘The Inquisition an equal opportunities employer.’ We don’t just burn Heretics

we enable them to access change in a diverse and rapidly evolving world. Torture and death and Newton’s law have been at the fore of my thinking this week (and not just because my pre teen son has been more obnoxious than usual). I have been trying to encourage my pupils to write recounts. So in an attempt to gain their interest I have been discussing the Gunpowder Plot and ‘bigging it up’ a little, adding gory details (such rapt attention and delightful concentration) when I finally reached the part about Guy Fawkes’s execution you could have heard a pin drop. ‘’They did what miss...can you still see his head on Traitor’s Gate Miss...Was he still alive when they chopped him up...did it hurt miss? Miss...missss...I feel sick...’’ It’s not difficult to capture a child’s imagination, what is difficult is reining it in. A class of children is only ever a heartbeat away from total hysteria (read Lord of the Flies if you don’t believe me). But in the interest of education a little gore never hurt anyone (except poor old Fawkes) and any trigger for a child’s imagination and desire to learn about the world can only be a good thing...right? (And that’s what I’ll tell the parents whose precious ones have suffered another sleepless night brought on by thoughts of disembowelment and loss of gravity). So, in conclusion, always follow the law, (especially Newton’s) and never try to hide 36 barrels of gunpowder under the king’s chair.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

THERE IS HELP OUT THERE By Tony Mayes

A new branch of the Help at Home charity is about to be established in the Torrevieja/Orihuela Costa area. More than 25 volunteers have already been enlisted, meeting at the Astoria’s Restaurant in Orihuela Costa last week to sign up and offer their services. A sister organisation has already been established in the Mar Manor area offering help at home to mainly British ex-pats who, for a variety of reasons, find they cannot cope. It may be that they have just come home from having an operation and have no-one available to help with their basic needs. In other cases it may be a husband or wife trying to cope with a spouse at home suffering from Alzheimer’s and who just need a break for an hour or two from caring. No two calls for help are ever exactly the same. Within a month to six weeks the new group will be on call with a team of volunteers ready to respond to people asking for help. The organisation has pinpointed an urgent need within the British ex-pat community here in the Torrevieja area. Many hundreds of people have retired here looking for a peaceful life in the sun and a better climate. Becoming ill was the last thing on their mind. And while the Spanish hospitals offer a first class service, there has been little or no after care. That's because the vast majority of Spanish live in close family units and there is almost always someone to care for the person who has left hospital. The Spanish authorities have identified the need and are trying to respond, the problem is that it has coincided with the reces-

sion. Sadly, many in the British community still find they are on their own. Faced with this prospect, many who are able have decided to abandon life in Spain and return to Britain, where they are assured of the help they need from the State. And this, in turn, have sent alarm bells ringing in Spain, which

does not want to lose the income the Brits are contributing to the local economy. Help at Home volunteers are being recruited at a number of different levels. There are qualified carers, hospital visitors, people who will help with respite care, and others prepared to help in more basic ways, like shopping and light cleaning. Currently the charity is trying to raise sufficient funds to pay for the insurance needed to cover volunteers in the event of

problems. Watch out in the newspaper for news when the group is operational. Also look out for news about fund raising activities, for example Ricky Valance has offered to perform fund-raising concerts for the cause and the Asturias Restaurante Punta Prima and The Emerald Isle La Florida has also offered their premises for any future fund-raising events. The first is being held on March 21, at The Emerald Isle, the X Factor Finalist Charity Event where Ricky Valance is the Special Guest appearing on the night which is from 8pm. Tickets 2€ and raffle, all proceeds raised for HAH Costa Blanca. The second is being held at The Croeso Inn, La Florida on March 25. A warm welcome at a Welsh establishment run by Andy and Jackie. Special performance by Ricky Valance. Tickets €6 and raffle raising funds for HAH Costa Blanca. Jukebox Legends and Ricky Valance Charity start their tour for Help At Home Costa Blanca with funds being raised with their ‘Open the Chest’ at all events. Sunday, March 27 at the Rendezvous Campoamor, 8.30pm. Tickets €10 to include a fantastic free buffet. Friday, April 1, at Casa Ventura San Luis. Tickets 8 euros. Tuesday, April. 12, Olympia Mil Palmeras. Tickets 8 euros. Thursday, April 27, Los Arcos Restaurante Torrevieja. Tickets 8 euros. Tuesday, April 20, the Lounge Bar. Torrevieja. Tickets 8 euros. Sunday, May 22, Casa Nicolas, Los Altos del Limonar Torrevieja, Tickets 8 euros. Contact: Peter Day Jukebox Legends 695 135 134 or email: info@jukeboxlegends.com

Friday, 25th March, 2011

CAN YOU MAKE THE ENDING A HAPPY ONE? An appeal from Mark Lewis which tells a sad story and will surely tug on your heart strings

Two weeks ago an elderly couple in their mid-seventies living in Spain received some tragic news from the UK. Their son and grandson had been killed in a climbing accident in Scotland. This story was reported in all the English newspapers and also on English television. What many people do not know is that a few days after this the couple were informed of more devastating news. The elderly lady was diagnosed with terminal cancer. They were in total turmoil and had to quickly organise their return to the UK. Unfortunately, their two pet dogs Honey and Scrappy could not go with them. I received a desperate telephone call asking if I could help safeguard their two dogs. I work closely with the K9 Club and they

agreed to receive them into their guardianship. They are currently safe and well in a K9 foster home. Before the distraught couple returned to the UK their parting wish was for them to go to the same new home as they have always been together. Little Honey is a Pomeranian cross and Scrappy is a miniature poodle, Honey is 8 years and Scrappy is 6 years. They have all vaccinations up to date and both have been sterilized. They play and sleep together and they are inseparable. After this heart-breaking chain of events I am appealing to someone reading this to please come forward and offer these two beautiful small dogs a home where they can remain together. If you can help please email me on mlewis@marina.info or phone me on 676 447 682.

LOTS SIGNED UP TO FOLLOW POET’S FOOTSTEPS Walking the Path of the Poet

Nearly 3500 people have already confirmed their place on next weekend’s walk from Miguel Hernandez’s birthplace in Orihuela city to the cemetery where his remains lie in Alicante. The Path of the Poet is a ritual walk that has been taking place annually since 1999 and there are still 500 vacancies left to fill. Since 2008 more than 17,000 people have taken part in this event and many have done it more than once. The walk which will take three days to complete is certainly not for the fainthearted but it will be an excellent opportunity to integrate with Spanish residents from all over the Vega Baja. Thousands of people have followed Miguel Hernandez’s personal journey during the last decade and it is said to be a spiritually fulfilling achievement for all those who participate. Orihuela’s Councillor for Culture, Pepa Ferrando, said that the walk, which is organised by the Valencia Institute for Young People (IVAJ), will be monitored by one hun-

dred people from the Red Cross and the Proteccion Civil who will be on hand to ensure that everything goes well and that there are no mishaps. Head of the IVAJ, Adrian Ballester, said that he wanted to give the event “one final push” to ensure that all 4000 places were taken up. He said: “Various municipal councils along the way will be providing rest facilities to the weary walkers and it promises to be a real team effort and certainly something to be proud of being involved in.” He added: “Spare socks, boots, a raincoat and a camera are essential items for the walk. The camera is especially useful as walkers will have the opportunity to take in some amazing scenery and the sight of 4000 people walking together is certainly a sight to behold in itself.” He added that a photography competition will be also taking place and the best photographs will be handed over to the municipalities involved as many like to have the photos of their towns displayed in their public buildings. The walk takes place in three stages and you don’t have to do all three stages, it is possible to take part in just one stage. The first stage is 20 kilometres and takes in the towns of Redován, Callosa del Segura, Cox and Granja de Rocamora. The second stage starts in San Isidro and visits the town of Crevillent and then the city of Elche with a total of 28 kilometres. The third and final stage starts from the Universidad Miguel Hernández in Elche and will stop at Rebolledo before ending in the cemetery of Alicante, which is a distance of 22 kilometres. The walk sets off from Orihuela next Friday, 25th March, at 09:00 and will end at around 17:00 on Sunday 27th March. Those people who would like to get involved must register on the website of the Generalitat de Valencia or contact the IVAJ in Orihuela on 966 478 100 or e-mail sendadelpoeta_ivaj@gva.es

Honey and Scrappy are looking for a home

PEOPLE, NOT MACHINES, TO ANSWER THE PHONE IN THE FUTURE ! Finally, some good news for everyone. Those irritating machines that so many Spanish companies use to answer calls you make to them are about to be abolished. Long waits on the end of the phone to request information or file a complaint appear to be nearly over, as are those frustrating endless explanations offered by automated systems and the constant referrals to a different department. Last week the Spanish Cabinet examined a draft law on customer service that will force providers of general interest services (water, electricity, telephone, insurance, transport and so on) to have free telephone numbers for their clients, and trained personnel on the other end of the line. This means a real person will answer our call. If the bill is approved as it currently stands, businesses will also be audited on a yearly basis on the quality of their customer care, with the scores being reviewed by regional authorities as well as the National Institute of Consumption. As things stand now, in most cases customers have to pay for the privilege of filing a complaint. Most telephone numbers have a city code, or else they are the type that starts with 902 or 901, which cost more than a regular local call. As if that weren’t enough, finding the actual telephone number one needs to call can be an impossible task. The new legislation will also force companies to inform their clients in writing or on a lasting medium of the free number they can call. This number will also have to be displayed on a prominent part of the corporate website. The hurdles that customers have to overcome to get their problems solved over the

phone has a cost that goes beyond money. “One call to request information about a given service can take over 10 minutes for the user,” explains Ruben Sánchez, a spokesman for Facua. “Just imagine what it’s like when people are trying to complain about something. Not even providers of basic services like electricity, water or gas make it easy to file a complaint.” The draft law being analyzed by the government will make it mandatory to provide customers with personalized attention. An answering machine or robot may be used as a complementary measure, but for no longer than a minute. Additionally, companies will have to have “trained and able” personnel who are familiar with the business and, naturally, the language. The government also wants to trim down the long waits to hear back from companies once a complaint has been filed. Once it is received, companies must reply within the space of a month, and implement a system that helps customers track their grievances. These phone lines must be manned during the entire period that the business provides the service. “If you have electricity, water and telephone service 24 hours a day, then that is how long the customer service lines must be available,” say sources at the Health Ministry, which drafted the bill. The same goes for banking, telephone companies and insurance providers. These are precisely the types of businesses that draw the most consumer ire. In 2010, consumer authorities received around 300,500 complaints, of which 16.3 percent corresponded to telephone companies, 10.9 percent to public transportation companies and 8.8 percent to banking.

OCTOGENARIAN JOE

Sunday 6th March marked the turn of another decade for Joe Brinton, a very active man who bowls, loves to dance and is everybody’s friend. It was his 80th Birthday and he together with his wife Tina entertained eighty friends in ‘The Club’ – the home of Quesada Bowls Club. Typical of Joe –always thinking of others – he asked his friends to donate to Paul Cunningham Nurses, rather than have Birthday presents. The generosity of his guests was brilliant; a phenomenal amount of €553 was raised. Joe asked two of his friends Janine Williams and Maddie Pinfold, who also run the Ladies who Lunch group that also supports PCN to take the collection on his behalf. The whole evening was very enjoyable for all who attended and fruitful for Paul Cunningham Nurses, thanks to the generosity of Joe and Tina.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

LAND GRAB LOONIES TOLD TO LET GO EU to force Spain to police its local authorities better or face ruin

By spike At last the EU is to investigate the serious problem of demolition orders slapped on foreign property owners in Spain that have led to heartbreak and the end of the dream for many. This comes after Spain launched a multi-million euro promotional drive to try and encourage British buyers back to the country and it finally dawning on them that to suddenly take away someone’s home and probably their life savings that are in its brick and mortar (ok prefab concrete if you wish…) is not a positive image to be sending around Europe. But now the EU is stepping in and is beginning to formerly address the legality of demolition orders which have led to hundreds of homes being pulled down – both expat and Spanish’. The former EastEnders actor

Michael Cashman who is now an MEP, has lobbied hard for the Charter to tackle the issue and he has been fighting against the bulldozing of people’s homes and ‘land grab’ laws for years. Finally his hard work seems to have paid off and the EU, and Spain, have sat up and taken notice. Cashman told Press that he was ‘horrified’ after receiving numerous pleas from residents every year who are being stripped of their homes and he claimed that the Spanish government had been slow to act and keeps passing the blame onto regional authorities which up to now has been severely damaging foreign property investment for the future. The good news for those with home gone or under threat is the European Union’s Charter for Fundamental Rights allows the right of legal redress and swift justice.

Bringing the house down - but not for much longer perhaps...

SPANISH MOTHER REUNITED WITH DAUGHTER SHE WAS TOLD WAS DEAD

Spanish dictator General Francisco Franco gave a certificate to families in Madrid in the nineteen forties and for many years, parents were awarded for having large families but baby-stealing is alleged to have begun during Franco's long rule. The Mother had been left to mourn her baby after being told she had died at birth in a Barcelona clinic during the second world war and the doctors at the time told her that her daughter had died. She even has the death certificate and went to a laboratory and the result left no doubt. It is only now that the girl has seen her own death certificate. mother and daughter – who have asked not to be named – were reunited in December and the case had since been passed on to the attorney general's office apparently, the mother had always suspected her child had not really died, but hospital authorities in Barcelona had told her they would take charge of burying the baby.

REGISTERED ILLEGALY In the first proven case of a growing scandal over babies stolen by Spanish hospital doctors and sold for adoption a Spanish mother has been reunited with her daughter four decades after being told the child had died at birth. "The adoption was legal, with her birth certificate saying she was 'adopted from an unknown mother'," Antonio Barroso, the head of an organisation investigating cases of missing babies, said. But a DNA test proved the blood tie between the two women after the daughter hired private detectives to trace her biological mother.

Many of those now seeking lost babies are women who never saw their baby's dead body because hospitals said they would ‘look after’ the burial but Barroso's organisation has asked the attorney general to continue to investigate several hundred cases of illegal adoption which he agreed to stating that they would co-ordinate the different investigations that will be carried out by prosecutors at a provincial level. There are many existing cases where adopted children were apparently registered as the biological children of their

adoptive parents and Barroso said the case meant that there was the serious possibility that many children who were adopted in circumstances that may have seemed legal at the time were actually stolen. These sad cases go back many decades and although they began during the dictatorship of General Francisco Franco, they were allegedly carried on after his death in 1975. Last week the Catalan Republican Left party asked Spain's parliament to aid those seeking lost children by creating a DNA bank to help them. Barroso is a founder member of the group after he discovered that his own parents had paid an intermediary who provided children for adoption from a hospital in Zaragoza.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

BEHIND YOU! Zapatero Wages War on Spain's Bulls Paul Payne investigates an interesting argument for bullfighting – blame the bull…

Beware - they will find you under the car... Speaking ahead of July's gathering in Pamplona, and following many years of sickening attacks, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Zapatero this week promised that he "will not rest until he has rid Spain of rampaging bulls." "You must understand that bulls are ruthless animals that prey on our young men in our streets without regard for guilt or innocence," Zapatero said. "They pursue an agenda of destruction, they are deaf to pleas for mercy, and they care nothing about the suffering and pain they cause as they rout and attack novillero, picador, and matador alike." Zapatero said the government has no official of the number of bulls currently living in Spain, due to the animals' stealthy nature. "These beasts hide in our nation's fields, quietly plotting and scheming their vicious agendas," Zapatero said. "It is not uncommon for them to lie dormant for years, posing as innocent cows until they finally expose themselves as the true brutes they really are. Without warning, they attack in arenas, just at the moment when the crowds are at their maximum capacity, in order to incite fear and terror among our citizens."

Spain Vows Supreme Vigilance in War on Bulls

"Spain can no longer sit and watch as these bulls savage our brave young men to death," Zapatero added. "Some say the problem is now too widespread for the Spanish government to solve, I say 'Bull!'" Zapatero remains confident and has created the new Department of Bovine Security and a color-coded system that is intended to alert the public to the likelihood of a bull rampage. A green flag waved by the president indicates a low risk of attack. Magenta and gold capes, when worn by footmen, peones, or capeadores, indicate a medium threat level. A colourful ring of banderilla around the bull’s neck

warns of a high threat level. In the event of a severe threat, a red flag is waved, and a bull attack is considered to be imminent. "We simply can't afford to lose this war on bulls," Zapatero said. "When bulls unleash their sickening brand of chaos, they leave a trail of devastating destruction, as the tragic events of last July Pamplona have proven year after year for the last 400 years." ‘We will arm ourselves with the colourful jacket of readiness and the embroidered tights of vigilance’ It would appear that Zapatero is not getting all his own way, as some Spanish citizens say that the government's efforts to put an end to bull attacks are beginning to create antibovine sentiment among some of the population, and several watchdog groups have been set up to protect the rights of cows. "Perspective is needed at this time. The violent bulls represent such a small minority of all bovine creatures," Bovine Rights Action spokesperson Adora Moreno said. "The majority of cows are completely tranquil herbivores and have no wish to harm anybody. They are important members of our society, providing us with milk, meat, and beautiful leather products. They should be given the same dignity that we afford other species." Zapatero said that, while some of the population expressed concerns with the additional security checkpoints in public and private fields across the country, the measures are "an unfortunate necessity in these troubled times." The Spanish government has already set aside additional funds for 15,000 new matadors, as well as development plans for new gates, colourful stockings, and hand crafted embroidered jackets. "We are proud of our matadors as they pledge to ensure the safety of the people of Spain," Zapatero said. "These bulls may appear to gracefully avoid the swords and spears of

justice, but our brave young men will not back down. At every opportunity they shall meet the bulls with skilful goading, well drilled mockery, and an hypnotic waving of streamers. They will never stop posing in their fancy suits until every bull has been removed from the arena, and every matador is safe from the fear of trampling or goring." Added Zapatero: "We are men of steel and will never concede to the whims of these bulls." The military have said that it could take many years to finally vanquish the menace of the bulls. There are already talks in place to enlist the help of other nations in the fight, by seeking the assistance of bullfighting specialists from Mexico and Argentina. "We are under no illusion that this is going to be a long, hard war, but we will prevail, through sheer determination," Spanish Defense Minister Jesus Bongo said. "We will arm ourselves with the colourful jacket of readiness and the embroidered tights of vigilance. We will afford no mercy for the bull. There will be no hiding place, and we will round them up and keep them in pens. Viva toreros and viva España!"

H-OLÉ

Friday, 25th March, 2011

WHAT THE SPAN

SPAIN SENDS IN THE TROOPS Military will help enforce no-fly zone

As if Gadaffi didn't have enough to worry about...

BRITISH RETURNING TO SPAIN Benidorm hotels and bookings in general are once again creeping upwards

Benidorm Hotelier’s organisation HOSBEC has announced that the number of hotel reservations from the British market in Benidorm is up 18% compared to this time last year, making them over 10% ahead of the national average and putting the popular Costa Blanca town ahead of the Balearic Islands. The info was released on February 28 and the happy hoteliers have also reported early good numbers for the following winter bookings, up 8% already. The latest hotel occupancy figures for the first half of March show 71% on average in Benidorm which is 2.4 points up on last year and Spanish national tourism was 48.5% of the bookings. Having just finished a three day promotion at the Mitt tourism fair, Benidorm tourist authorities described the figures as good news at the fair which is said to be the most important in Russia. Thomas Cook has said Spain is benefitting from the troubles in Egypt and Tunisia Top British tour operator, Thomas Cook, has announced that the number of reservations from British tourists for the Baleares has increased by 30% over the last four weeks and that mainAn F-100 frigate, an S-74 submarine and a CN-235 maritime surveillance plane have land Spain’s bookings are on the up too, and the company is putting the rush to book down been deployed to help enforce an arms embargo on Libya. Spain has also sent four F- to the events in Egypt and Tunisia. 18 fighter jets and a refuelling aircraft to Italy to take part in the operation over Libya It’s certainly good news for Spain in general, and the Canaries and Baleares in particular from Sunday, the defence ministry said after it had waited for parliamentary approval as they are destinations to benefit the most from the unrest, followed by Greece where UK which they received last weekend. bookings are up 20%. The full details of Spain's involvement were announced at a news conference in Paris last Saturday by Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero which is a result of the UN decision at the international summit on Libya that discussed the intervention. We didn’t have to wait long before the United States, Britain and France started hitting targets in Libya with air strikes and Tomahawk missiles at the start of the campaign to prevent Moamer Gadaffi from killing protestors involved in the month-old uprising against his rule. Following the agreement, Spanish Defence Minister Carme Chacon held a meeting with senior military and defence staff in Madrid to coordinate the country's role in the operation after the four Spanish F-18s and the Boeing refuelling plane had arrived in the Italian base of Decimomannu on the island of Sardinia. Spain had already declared that it was reluctant to use its airbases, and later refused NATO the use of two military bases, at Rota and at Moron de la Frontera in the south of the Spain, for the operation over Libya. The UN Security Council was unanimous in agreeing last week that taking "all necessary measures" to impose a no-fly zone in Libya and protect civilian areas would eventually pressure Gadaffi into accepting a ceasefire. All in all a total of 500 Spanish troops will eventually be involved in enforcing the UN’s resolution and that adds to Gadaffi’s problems as last month the Security Council last month also ordered an arms embargo against Libya and other sanctions against his family.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

NISH PAPERS SAY

CHE’S MOTORBIKE PARTNER DIES AGED 88

VALENCIA A CYMBOL OF MUSIC New art campus to modernise spain’s music A brand new Valencia project, which will be gradually rolled out starting next month thousands of miles from its base in Boston. Berklee College of Music is preparing its first overseas campus which is a project in Valencia, Spain, that organisers hope will help bring European music-education traditions into the 21st century. Starting fully from the autumn of 2012, the school, which currently has about 4,000 undergraduates in Boston, is planning on teaching about 150 graduate students a year in Valencia with a number of them fresh from completing their undergraduate studies in Boston. Mediterranean Music Institute is just one of the planned initiatives and it says it is devoted to furthering the region’s musical genres and the main one being Spain’s quintessential folk music, flamenco. It also plans to help Mediterranean musicians develop an international career. Roger Brown, Berklee’s president, said at the launch, “We believe the European conservatory system already produces many gifted and well-trained musicians — at the undergraduate level — who would like to enrich their skill set with training in music technology, composing for film and new media, music business and electronic production and sound design,” It is good news for Valencia and Berklee’s arrival will be a great opportunity to breathe new life into grand cultural ambitions that have taken a knock because of Spain’s economic downturn. In 1998, Valencia sought to Berklee plans to achieve the same sort of update the way we recognition on the cultural learn music map when it inaugurated the City of Arts and Sciences, an ensemble of futuristic buildings designed by the architect Santiago Calatrava and during the past decade, the project has given Spain’s third-largest city greater international recognition for its commitment to the arts. Only five years ago Valencia appointed Lorin Maazel, one of the world’s leading conductors, as artistic director as a sign of intent although now, Mr. Maazel, however, is leaving Valencia with a farewell performance this month of his own opera, “1984.”

BRIT STARTS 8 DAY FOREST FIRE BY MISTAKE Fire destroys over 5,000 acres of forest land

A fire that took 227 fire-fighters using 12 planes and 20 helicopters eight days to extinguish the flames was started by a British expat who was lost. The man, Michael Hanks, 66, from Colchester in Essex, destroyed 5,000 acres of forest in the Sierra Nevada national park after lighting a fire when he couldn’t find his way back after a trek has been jailed for 18 months and has also been ordered to pay a record 10.6€ million fine by a court of southern Spain for starting the blaze in September 2005. The former chief executive of Islington & Shoreditch Housing Association had started a small fire to alert rescuers to his whereabouts after he had gotten lost while walking with his girlfriend in the mountains near their holiday home in the village of Acequias, but, the fire quickly got out of control and spread. The couple alerted the emergency services to come and find them after they’d left a path within the Sierra Nevada national park. Hanks described how he ignited a small fire in a circle of stones to send up a smoke signal so they could be found by the mountain rescue team but things got out of control and the fire spread and wasn’t put out until over a week later such was the size of the eventual bush fire. The fine includes 1.3€ million to pay for the cost of putting out the forest fire and 9.1€ million to restore and restock the region and was the largest fine ever imposed by the regional government of Andalusia.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

KIDDIES CORNER Meet the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama promotes peace, compassion, and tolerance. What if you became the leader of your people when you were just 15 years old? That’s what happened to Lhamo Thondup, better known as the Dalai Lama. In 1950 he became the political leader of Tibet, now a part of China. But the Dalai Lama is more than just the head of his government. Promoting peace, compassion, and tolerance, he is also the spiritual leader of millions of people. Here’s what he says about being a hero for peace. Question: You work with an organization called PeaceJam, in which Nobel Peace Prize winners like you inspire kids to find peaceful solutions to problems. How can kids really help solve problems such as poverty and terrorism through peace? The Dalai Lama: You need patience and determination. Study and become an expert in something, because education can bring compassion, peace, and harmony. That will bring self-confidence and stability. When you have all that, then you can influence others as an example. That’s the way to create more peaceful communities. Q: Can one kid really make a difference in the world? The Dalai Lama: Yes. Because if everyone works hard, we can all make a difference. Q: How can kids promote peace in their everyday lives? The Dalai Lama: Look at situations from all angles,

BIG ONE!

A giant lobster has been saved from the pot, after a fisherman decided it was too special to eat. The creature, which measures about one metre in length and weighs more than four kilograms, was caught off the coast of West Sussex. It's thought to be one of the biggest and oldest lobsters ever caught in Britain! The fisherman thought the lobster was so amazing that he's donated it to the Blue Reef Aquarium in Portsmouth.

and you will become more open. We all have to live together, so we might as well live together happily. Realizing this helps you feel as if this whole world is one home. Q: You began training as the Dalai Lama when you were just five years old, but you still had time to play. What was your favourite game as a child? The Dalai Lama: I made friends with two white mice

who would always sneak into my room when I was studying, and they would try to distract me. Q: You have been recognized for your concern about the environment. Why is it so important to Lindsay Holloway, who works at the aquarium, said: "He's a fantastic specimen and by his size alone he has got to be at least 50 years old. "He is an amazing creature and it's quite an achievement to have reached such an impressive age."

protect the planet? The Dalai Lama: We need to care for every part of the Earth and the life upon it, because this affects future generations. Q: What are some of your favourite green tips that kids can use to help save the environment? The Dalai Lama: When you leave your room, switch off the light. Recycle garbage—this one is easy! The most important thing is that these simple practices become a big part of your daily life. Then together we can make a big impact. One World The Dalai Lama tells you how to practice these important human values for a more peaceful planet. Compassion: Recognize others as brothers and sisters who have every right to overcome their problems—just like you do. Forgiveness: Learn from mistakes— whether they are yours or others’—and try not to repeat them in the future. Forgive yourself and others so that mistakes are not repeated. Tolerance: You won’t always agree or get along with everyone. But your future is with these people. So develop a sense of caring, tolerance, or compassion for everyone, even those you don’t get along with. Contentment: It’s a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on material gains. So be satisfied with whatever you have, and you will have more inner peace.

IN JAPAN

air as efforts continued to shut down the reactors. Two of the three reactors that were operating when the quake struck have since been damaged. Cooling problems at the reactors have led to nuclear fuel overheating and fires, causing fears of a meltdown at the plant. Now, 50 workers are working around the clock to flood the reactors with seawater to cool off the fuel rods.

The effects of the massive earthquake and tsunami that struck Japan two weeks ago are still playing out at Japan's nuclear power plants. Nuclear

GREAT BOOK!

reactors at Japan's Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant are experiencing cooling problems after the tsunami waves knocked out the plant's power and backup power. After an explosion occurred at the Fukushima Daiichi plant that blew off the roof of one of the buildings. Some radiation—energy that can be harmful at high levels—had been released into the

Author Gennifer Choldenko is best known for her Al Capone series. Her first book, Al Capone Does My Shirts, won a Newbery Award. Set in 1935, the book is about a boy whose father is a guard for Alcatraz Prison. The boy and the warden's daughter end up in hot water when they start a business in which school children pay to have their clothes washed by the prisoners. Recently, Choldenko dared to tread new territory with her first fantasy novel, No Passengers Beyond This Point. The story is about the exploits of three children whose airplane lands in a mysterious city known as Falling Bird, where nothing is as it seems.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

WHAT A HOOT(ER)! RED NOSE DAY Loads of celebrities have been getting involved in Comic Relief and helping to raise money for good causes. On the big Friday night show the Wanted sang the official Red Nose Day song, and there

were performances from Adele, JLS and Take That. Comedians including Harry Hill and Michael McIntyre brought the laughs and we saw a special sketch from the cast of Doctor Who. In 25 years of Comic

Relief, £650 million has been raised for charity and so far this year, there have been some record-breaking Red Nose moments. Blue Peter's Helen has done a dare-devil tightrope walk and Chris Moyle’s attempted the longest radio show ever- 51 and a half hours! A team of stars including Olly Murs trekked for 100km across the desert in northern Kenya, and raised more than £1 million and Ant and Dec managed to gate-crash 10 different TV shows and popped up on 23 radio shows in just one day. Those are just the celebs - across the UK thousands of you have been raising money too.

Spot the difference Can you tell the difference? This was the moment Justin Bieber came face to face with his new waxwork in Madame Tussauds in London.

Interesting Facts FASCINATING STUFF ABOUT SPAIN DID YOU KNOW…? GEOGRAPHY Spain occupies most of the Iberian Peninsula, stretching south from the Pyrenees Mountains to the Strait of Gibraltar, which separates Spain from Africa. To the east lies the Mediterranean Sea, including Spain's Balearic Islands. Spain also rules two cities in North Africa and the Canary Islands in the Atlantic. NATURE A link between Europe and Africa, Spain is an important resting spot for migratory birds. Spain is also home to such mammals as the wolf, lynx, wildcat, fox, wild boar, deer, hare, and wild goat. Streams and lakes shelter trout, barbel, and tench fish. But many species of wildlife face RELIGION Spain became mostly Christian under the Romans, who were followed by the Vandals and the Visigoths, Germanic peoples from Europe. The Visigoth rulers fought among themselves, and in A.D. 711 Muslims from Africa invaded Spain.

CIVIL WAR More than 500,000 people died in the Spanish Civil War of the 1930s. The victorious Gen. Francisco Franco ruled as a brutal dictator until his death in 1975. Soon after, Spain began to transform itself into a modern, industrial, and democratic European nation. TOURISTS With vibrant, historic cities and sunny beaches, Spain attracts more tourists than any other European country except France. Services to the tourism industry drive Spain's economy, the eighth largest in the world. In 1986 Spain joined the European Community and further modernized its economy. FAST SPANISH FACTS Population: 45,200,737 Official Languages: Spanish, Catalan, Galician, Basque Money: Euro Area: 195,363 sq. mi (505,988 sq. km) Major Mountain Ranges: Pyrenees, Sierra de Guadarrama, Sierra de Gredos, Sierra Nevada Major Rivers: Guadalquivir, Ebro, Duero, MiTajo, and Guadiana

Jokes

What do you call a man with a tree growing out of his head? Ed-Wood ! What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head? Baa-Baa-Ra ! What do you call a man who wears tissue paper trousers? Russell ! What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister Matic ! Why did the man with a pony tail go to see his doctor? He was a little hoarse ! What did the idiot call his pet zebra ? Spot! What do you call a fish on the dining table? A Plaice Mat! What do you call a man made from toilet paper? Louie! What do you call a very tidy woman? Anita House ! What do you call a picture painted by an old master? An old masterpiece! What do you call a horse that eats Indian food? Onion Bha-gee-gee !

What do you call a vegetable that tells jokes? Jasper Carrot ! What do you call the coldest mammal in the World? The Blue Whale! What do you call a man with two left feet ? Whatever you like - if he tries to catch you he'll just run round in circles ! What do you call a weekly television programme about people getting washed ? A soap opera ! What do you call a flock of birds who fly in formation ? The red sparrows ! What do you call a bee that is always complaining ? A grumble bee ! What would you call a friend who had an elephant on his head ? A flatmate ! What do you call a posh pig delivering newspapers ? Bacon rind ! What do you call a teacher who makes fireworks ? A head banger ! What do you call a man that drills holes in teapots ? A potholer !

Friday, 25th March, 2011

‘IBIZA ON ICE’ GOES COLD ON BRITS Andorra's resorts attract more British skiers than Switzerland and North America combined and when times were booming 10 years ago Andorra's ski resorts attracted almost 100,000 British holidaymakers every year. Attracted by bargain prices and the après-ski party scene fuelled by duty-free booze the majority were young first-time skiers happy to party late and earning the resort the reputation as "Ibiza on ice". But now the ski resorts of the tiny mountain principality of Andorra have decided that they are turning their back on "cheap Brits" attracted by the prospect of "sex, sun and snow”, that they normally expect on their holiday, in an attempt to improve its image. The tiny country only has a population of 84,000 and is about the size of Sussex but

in the last decade it has suffered because of cheap competition from developing resorts in Eastern Europe and has been forced to change direction to recapture the British winter holiday market. ‘We don’t want cheap Brits attracted by the prospect of sex, sun and snow’ Alexandre Andres, head of tourism for Andorra, was speaking on the side-lines of the Global Tourism Forum last week and said, "We were the place to come for cheap booze, sex and snow,” "But we're trying to shed that reputation and get quality tourists. Places like Bulgaria are welcome to the cheap Brits – those looking for a party. We want to move away from that and attract families with money to spend.’’

By the end of the 2003 ski season Andorra's resorts were threatening to overtake Italy to become Britain's thirdfavourite ski destination after France and Austria and they were attracting more British skiers than Switzerland and North America combined, but in a bid to attract higher spending tourists Andorra invested over 100€ million to develop the slopes and get rid of the cheapest self-catering accommodation and install plush new, and more expensive four and five star hotels. As a result British visitors last winter dropped to around 30,000, which makes

ONE - ONE - TOO? The Mayor of Orihuela, Monica Lorente, was accompanied by the Valencia Councillor for Security, Serafin Castellano last Monday when she visited the site of the new Emergency Centre in La Zenia, Orihuela Costa. The centre, which has a budget of €3,030,230, is being funded in the majority by Valencia as part of the regional government´s “Plan Confianza”, which has given the municipality €2,085,504 worth of investment for the coastal project. The CSE (Centre for Security and Emergencies) is located on a 5,695 metre square plot of land in La Zenia, next to the Consum supermarket, which belongs to the Orihuela Town Hall. More than 4,800 square metres of that land will be built upon for the centre, which will provide essential public security services in a location with a large population of inhabitants. It will also be beneficial to the thousands of people who visit the Orihuela Costa every year.

Monica... nice smile

up just six per cent of the market share and it is now suffering from an identity crisis after losing traditional customer base and failing to replace it. For example, the cheapest package tour holiday rose from 225€ for a week's selfcatering including flights and transfers in 2003 to more than 460€ this year. Marion Telsnig, of TUI travel, the biggest British ski tour operator confirmed that, "Andorra is struggling to present its new identity, it was known as 'the Ibiza on ice' – a good time ski resort, aimed at the student market and attracting those looking for good cheap fun but not anymore.’’

Friday, 25th March, 2011

RICHARD CAVENDER

Bluemoon Solutions www.bluemoonsolutions.es

BlueMoon Solutions is the computer and IT services company on the Costa Blanca, they provide quality computer services at realistic prices and specialise in working with home users and small businesses.

Richard moved to spain four years ago having left his management background behind in the UK and decided to use his IT skills to help home users and small businesses with their PC problems. now a relaxed 'computer man' he is out and about in the Spanish sun every day, making house and shop calls and using his vast experience and qualifications to (usually) sort out the problem there and then. computers are his hobby as well as his work so don’t be surprised to get an answer to your email in the early hours!”

FIXED: Allan’s default home page had been changed by ADVICE: Tom wanted to know what to do when Microsoft installing some downloaded software. caught up with him! Hi Richard, I have been on a website named iMesh to whilst trying to find a way to download music. The site asked me to download a method of getting to the music; however since I did this I somehow have got their search engine instead of Google. Can you tell me how I can get rid of this and get Google back as it was before. Hope you can help.

Q A

Hi Richard, I have been using Microsoft Word for many years now and suddenly I have received a message from Microsoft telling me that its counterfeit – what can I do?

Hi Tom, it’s a shame, but there are many computer suppliers in our area that will supply you a computer that has an illegal copy Hi Alan, you don’t mention which web of Microsoft Office, that’s the suit that browser you use, I will assume its includes Microsoft Word, Excel, Internet Explorer. In order to reset PowerPoint etc. Many people believe that Internet Explorer to show the home Microsoft Office comes as part of Windows, page as Google, you need to launch the it doesn’t. Simply for each Microsoft prodbrowser, then click tools, internet uct that you have installed on your computoptions, in the first section headed er you should have a product key, it usually “home page” you should enter the address for Google which is www.google.co.uk (assuming looks something like this D3CBB-VY7P9that you want it in English) then click on the OK button. Q94KQ-GFFDR-RRR38 and if you don’t have the product key then you simply don’t have a legal copy of the software. A good solution in your case Tom would be to remove the illegal Close your browser by clicking on the red cross in the top right hand corner and then re-open copy of Microsoft Word and replace it with OpenOffice. it again, this should have set your browser back to Google. In addition, if you have actually OpenOffice is a free suit of products that do almost the same thing as Microsoft Word, Excel installed iMesh and you want also to remove it, click on start, all programs, iMesh, uninstall and PowerPoint, it’s totally compatible with the files that have been created in the Microsoft iMesh and this will remove all traces of it from your computer. versions, so you can still open, edit and save your old files and best still you won’t get nasty messages from them telling you that you have counterfeit software – you can grab your free copy of OpenOffice from www.openoffice.org

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Read Richard’s fantastic computer page only in Jungle Drums Magazine. OUT 5th APRIL

ADVICE: Bryan thought he had a great alternative solution to viewing the BBC iPlayer programmes Hi Richard, I read with interest your item on the above in the edition on the 4th of March. I have since come across www.freesat.co.uk/bbciplayer; I have all the hardware that they say I need to receive iPlayer via freesat, with the exception of 2 home plugs adaptors. Before I buy these I was wondering if, as one of them plugs into the router, whether my Spanish IP address will once more prevent me receiving this.

Hi Bryan, this is a new one to me, it’s really interesting to see the different ways that we all try to get UK TV over here in Spain, I watched the video on the freesat website describe how you can link your freesat box to your Internet connection, after investigation I was pretty sure that it simply would not work given that your Internet connection is provided by a Spanish provider and therefore you will be given a Spanish registered IP address, however, to be on the safe side I gave freesat a call in the UK and they confirmed that their BBC iPlayer system does only work inside the UK – sorry, good try though.

FIXED: Paul wanted help with a laptop battery problem.

Q A

Hi Richard, my son has a problem with his laptop, it’s about 3 years old, it’s a Dell Inspiron running Windows Vista. When it starts everything is fine, however it does come up with a message suggesting there could be problem with the battery or the charger, the message is “plugged in, not charging” – any ideas please?

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Shutdown the laptop Unplug the power Remove the battery Plug in the power Start up the laptop and log on Shutdown the system Unplug the power Put the battery back in Plug in the power Reboot the laptop and log on

Hi Paul, I am sure that I have come across this a couple of times recently, I believe that it could be a software problem, if that is the case then this should fix it for you, try doing the following…

Update from Paul: Followed your instructions and it seems to be working! Many thanks

office@bluemoonsolutions.es www.bluemoonsolutions.es Mobile: 655 044 970

Office: 902 906 200

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Chicken Cordon Bleu

This is one of the classic French appetiser recipes and if you have some of guests coming why not serve this cold appetizer, which, to save that last minute panic, you can make way ahead of time.

Ingredients •5 medium skinless, boneless, chicken breast halves •1 container semi-soft cheese (garlic and herb) •2 ½ ounces very thinly sliced fully cooked ham •½ cup fine dry seasoned bread crumbs •1 tbsp fresh parsley

•½ cup milk •1 tbsp butter, melted •Non-stick spray coating

Method •Wrap the chicken breast in a plastic wrap with the boned side up. •Pound the meat pieces lightly to ¼ inch thickness. •Remove the plastic wrap and spread cheese on the chicken pieces. •Place ham on the chicken breast and cut the ham pieces to fit the chicken breast. •Fold the meat pieces into a roll and secure the chicken

pieces with a tooth pick. •In a dish combine bread crumbs with parsley. •Roll the chicken rolls in milk and immediately roll it in the bread crumbs mixture. •Spray non-stick spray in a baking dish. •Place the chicken rolls with the seam side placed down in the baking dish. •Drizzle butter on the chicken pieces. •Let the chicken bake at 400 degree Fahrenheit for about half an hour till the chicken is tender and lightly brown in colour. •Let the chicken rolls come down to room temperature,

then place it in the refrigerator for 2 to 4 hours. It can also be kept in the refrigerator for as long as 24 hours. •Slice the roll crosswise and serve chilled. Along with these French appetizers, you can serve different spreads and dips. Serve best bread for French toast along with the spreads and dip. Among French appetizers, easy to make are the ones, which can be served on a tooth pick or skewers. Meat pieces can also be combined with different fruits or vegetables as well.

FAT CATZ

COOL KIDS COOKING!

Mousetraps (mouse free) Ingredients: 8 slices wholemeal bread some marmite some grated tasty cheese Method: 1. Lightly toast wholemeal bread in the toaster 2. Lay toasted bread on an oven tray and take crusts off 3. Turn on grill then spread marmite over toast evenly and sprinkle with cheese, using oven gloves, place tray under grill. 4. Grill on high for 5-8 mins until cheese has bubbled and turned crispy 5. Remove from grill and slice each piece of toast into 3 strips. 6. Leave to cool, then store in an air tight container.

The Purrrr...fect combination of grrrr...reat food and friendly atmosphere

Marie and Paul would like to welcome you to Fat Catz Bar and Grill, which has been open for a year now. Situated right in the heart of Santiago de la Ribera, one road back from the beach, Fat Catz is the purrrrrfect place for celebrating Mother’s Day or Easter Sunday in style. Their extremely popular Sunday carvery consists of delicious home-made soup, a large self service salad bar, a carvery with a choice of three meats, and a mouth-watering desert to follow. The table decorations are attractive and the service comes with a smile. And all this for just 9.50€. Booking is recommended to avoid disappointment. The price will be no higher for Mother’s Day or Easter Sunday, so there’s even more reason to come along and sample the fayre at Fat Catz. Fat Catz has a multitude of things going on. They are the

only bar in the area which offers all the premiership football matches, so you can be guaranteed they’ll show the one you want to see. Throughout the week there are theme nights to entice you in. Mondays are quiz nights, and Marie serves a pre-quiz supper for just 5 euros. There are prizes and a free raffle. Tuesdays are steak nights from 6pm to 10pm. You can enjoy a succulent rump steak, chips, peas and tomato, for the unbeatable price of just 6 euros. Fridays are Italian nights, and you can enjoy a choice of two courses for just 8 euros. Daily specials are served from 1pm to 6pm for just 6 euros. Delicious home fayre is freshly prepared every day. For those looking for a little taste of home the full English breakfast is unbeatable. They offer a choice of five items for just 3.50€. If you fancy something lighter there is a wide choice of snacks, including jacket potatoes with a variety of fillings, over ten different burgers, toasties, hot baguettes etc. The menu includes mouth watering dishes such as ribs, surf and turf and Cajun chicken. All the sauces are home-

made and there are vegetarian options too. Fresh fish is served on Fridays. Booking is recommended for this too. So if you’re looking for a grrrreat place to go to, and appreciate friendly service and delicious food, then Fat Catz is the place for you. They are open every day except Thursdays from 10am. The address is Calle Valcarcel 19 in Santiago de la Ribera, and the phone number is 654109167.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

HOW TO READ A RIOJA WINE LABEL This article is not only written for those of you who feel a little confused by foreign terms like Crianza and gran reserva. In Iberia, terminology is defined by each Denominacion de Origen (see definition below). Therefore, what Crianza may mean to one region cannot immediately transferred to another region. So what we’d like to do is provide you with a dummy’s guide to the terminology you’ll find specifically on a Rioja wine label, as well as some general Spanish wine terminology you can practice during your next trip to the wine shop.

meats and rich sauces. As for the infrequent white or Rosado wine that are termed Crianza, these wines are required to spend at least 6 months in oak and 6 in bottle. Reserva: Wines are aged for 3 calendar years with a minimum of 12 months in oak and 24 months in the bottle. Increasing in age, you can expect to find rich and concentrated wines tending towards a silky flavour after softening with age. We like these wines with delicately roasted meats like the renowned suckling lamb. White and Rosado wines must spend at the minimum of six months in oak and a one and half years in bottle. Gran Reserva: These wines are aged for 5 years with a minimum of 24 months in oak and 36 months in the bottle; however many gran reservas will spend several more years aging before being released. For many, these are perceived as the pinnacle of Spanish wine – even though in the past, they were often overly oxidized and woody. Today, we are starting to see more care used in the crafting of these wines and as a result, there often is a magical blending of both the oak and the fruit. At their best, Gran Reservas can develop in your mouth bringing forth new and exciting flavours with every sip. White and Rosado’s must spend at least 4 years in the bodega, of which six months must be in oak. Lopez-Heredia produces one of the most notable examples of a white Gran Reserva called, Vina Tondonia, which I hope to try this coming month! As mentioned above, the majority of regions follow these guidelines proudly; however the specifics can change slightly from one to the next. Additionally, with the surge of newstyle wines hitting the market – choosing to adhere to their own aging processes, traditional methods have occasionally taken back seat to innovation and technology.

ON THE FRONT OF THE BOTTLE Although, information on the label will differ from producer to producer, you can generally expect to find the following on the front of a Rioja bottle: 1. The name of the producer. 2. When the bodega was originally founded. 3. The location where the wine was elaborated. 4. The year the wine was made. 5. The amount of time the wine spent in the bodega, indicated by the terms oven, Crianza, semi-Crianza, reserva, gran reserva. 6.Denominacion de Origen Calificada (DOCa), a term further explained below 7. Although infrequently listed, you may run into the type of grapes used to make the wine.

QUALITY CLASSIFICATIONS Throughout Spain, wines can be classified into three distinct categories: 1) vino de mesa – table wine, 2) vino de la tierra – regional wine, and 3) vino de calidad – quality wine. Rioja is unique in that you will only find wines rated as vino de calidad, or quality wines. Within the quality wine classification, wines are further divided into Denominaciones de Origen (DO) or Denominaciones de Origen Calificada (DOCa). DO defines specific wine growing areas such as La Mancha, Ribera del Duero etc., whereas DOCa are regions rated of the highest quality over a long period of time and currently only include Rioja and Priorato. However, it is worth noting that although many Vino de la Tierras are of excellent quality, not all Riojas are of equally high quality.

RIOJA’S AGING SYSTEM In Spain, aging regulations are referred to as Crianza, a generic term used to indicate aging in both bottle and barrel. The term Crianza literally translates to “upbringing” or “breeding”, used in the same way as you would use it with a child, inferring that a wine needs time, attention and love (do I dare use love with wine!) to evolve into a fully developed, mature wine. However, Crianza also refers to a specific aging period, as further explained below. These are the various terms used in Rioja to indicate the minimum amount of time a wine has spent aging: Joven: The term joven means ‘young’ and refers to an inordinate amount of styles intended for immediate drinking. Generally, these wines have either been aged for a short period in oak (a few months) or have never seen oak at all. The bargains here tend to be found in wines that are soft in the mouth and food friendly. It is also worth mentioning that 90% of all white and Rosado wines from Rioja fall into the joven category. Corta-Crianza, Semi-Crianza, Roble, Fermentada en Barrica, ‘X’ Meses en Barrica: These are all terms used to describe wines that have been placed in oak barrels for a few months less than the regulatory requirements. With this

Chateaux Neuf de Pape

definition, you may question the difference between a Joven wine and a Corta-Crianza? A joven may never see oak, but a Corta-Crianza will always see some oak. This terminology can be a good indicator of a well-made wine, though nowadays, the movement away from oak has opened up a wide range of fresh vibrant wines to the market. Generico: Although I’ve never heard of the classification ‘generico’, or seen it on a bottle, John Radford’s book refers to it as a term used by modern winemakers and for “newwave” wines. Because modern winemakers don’t want to associate their wine with the traditional oaky style, they’ll slap this term on the label as a form of defiance and difference, while new-wave wines use it for its trendiness and popularity regardless if the wine has seen a two years of oak. I doubt we’ll come across the classification ‘generico’ in the following months, but if by the off chance we do, I’ll be sure both highlight it in the newsletter and provide additional information as to why the producer consciously chose this term. Crianza: Wines aged for 2 years with a minimum of 12 months in oak and 12 months in the bottle before being sold. These wines tend to have more body and strong acid helping them to pair well with your heavier foods – think roast

We couldn’t leave this week without recommending a great French wine Chateaux Neuf de Pape at around 12€ is a little more expensive than we are probably used to but to accompany those wonderful sauces it is worth spending that bit more…now and again.

26 BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES 10 cold drinks /snack vending machines with sites 39,900 euros. Excellent cash income, no overhead, operate from home 31,000 euros NETT per year one day p.w. to service.25 Pringle vending machines with sites

Friday, 25th March, 2011 14,900 euros 250 euros per week NETT guaranteed, machines and sites avalable individually. 965 326 442 / 659 696 455 (??)

Avon. Work hours to suit you. Phone Donna 966 796 854 (08)

FOR SALE

SALON MARGARETHAS 23 years in Torrevieja, Hair/Wig Specialist for Medical Illness & Hair Loss problems. We offer different Hair Replacements, top fillers, Hair prostheses, Toupees and Wigs,Natural & Artificial Hair and much more also fashion/festival accessories. TV/TS are welcome to our service. Call Margaretha on 966 921 846 or call into Salon Margarethas in Torrevieja (14)

Left hand chaise corner sofa. 1 month old, as new (bought in Next in UK). Colour salerno mink. Cost 800 poounds new, will accept 400 euros ONO. La Puebla. Tel: 868 186 655 or 634307850. (05)

PROPERTY FOR RENT Nice rentals available Torrevieja and Most Areas two beds from 320 houses apartments, bungalows, long and short stays. Paul 966 785 891 659 647 616 (08)

SITUATIONS VACANT Be your own boss with

WIG SPECIALISTS

BAR 4 SALE Local Spanish & English Bar Well Known 100,000€ Call 679 096 309

ADVERTISE HERE FOR AS LITTLE AS

5€

CALL OUR SALES TEAM ON 96 672 6437

Friday, 25th March, 2011

editor@thecourier.es Say it. Send it. Phone it. Mail it. or Forget it!

‘RUDDI’ GOOD?

Hello Dave... following our very successful run of Gilbert & Sullivan`s operetta "Ruddigore" at the Casa de Cultura in Guardamar last week we would very much like it if you could possibly publish the enclosed photograph and words. We have been performing the Gilbert & Sullivan operettas in Guardamar for 12 years now, and have given a considerable amount of money to the local charities through the `departamento de bienestar social del ayuntamiento de Guardamar`. Normally between 3,500 & 2,000 euros per Ruddigore - photo by Kristoff

show. But `times is hard` and this year we were only able to give 1,200 euros as our audience was sadly depleted, mainly to do with some severe problems with our publicity handouts. Thanks Cindy, Check out below what one of our readers thought… During the recent production of "Ruddigore" at the Casa de Cultura in Guardamar the audience were amazed when the ghosts of ancestors past came out of their portrait frames to confront the current Baron. This together with excellent singing and acting by the whole cast and a team of buxom, batty bridesmaids who kept the laughter going throughout, the society should be proud of once again giving us a most professional show. Apparently, this was the twelfth year that the society has been permitted to use the excellent facilities of the Casa de Cultura, the society`s sixteenth full production. As always a donation was given to the `Departamento de Bienestar Social del Ayuntamiento de Guardamar` from the proceeds of ticket sales. Good show, well done. Clive C.

AFA Says a Big Thank you! Over the past couple of weeks, the Alzheimer’s Association of Torrevieja has been in receipt of some marvelous and very generous support. We would therefore like to say thank you so much to the following artists who have given so generously of their time and talent, and to the audiences who have attended their concerts. They are; The Velvetones, the Norwegian Gospel Choir, Q4 Barbershop Quartet, Texas Ted and his friends the Pistoleros, Footwork Dancers, Destiny. Cyril Derbyshire, Cathy Carson, The Rascals, Derek Francis and Maureen Roberts and Jamie Puete. We are also extremely grateful to those of you who have bought tickets for our Car Raffle, supporting the funds for the operation of our Day Centre in Torrevieja and the many, many people buying “Buy a Brick” joining with us to help provide a new respite care centre for current and future patients and their carers of Alzheimer’s Disease and other types of dementia. Well done and thank you all. Matilde Sanchez and Judy Ferris Fund Raisers for AFA Torrevieja.

NOT A HAPPY BUNNY, Mr Angry joins us this week and has a moan about… well just about everything usually!

MR ANGRY WRITES!

‘WOULD YOU MIND AWFULLY…?’ I don’t think so

squatters moved into John Hamilton-Brown's new £1million five bedroom home he has been forced to beg them to get out through his letterbox. The group of people including foreigners have As long as squatters look after your been granted home...you'll be fine... legal aid to fight to stay, because An Englishman's home they are EU citizens and is his castle, well, until unemployed, while he is squatters get in. After

forced to pay for legal assistance himself. Sounds really fair but it is England so what do you expect? The father-of-two was having the property renovated for his wife and two young daughters before they moved in, when a dozen people from France, Spain, Poland and England sneaked in during the night. There are now internet groups giving advice to potential squatters as they move from property to property before they get evicted. On one forum, details of empty homes are being posted - and squatters are advertising for housemates to move in with them. At the Advisory Service for Squatters, users swap tips for getting into properties and bypassing alarms. One user said: 'I can help you to open/secure buildings. I have my own tools. Price upon agreement, quality work.' Another person asked for assistance getting into a different London home. He wrote: 'I'll be opening a new house in Highgate in the following days, if you can move in immediately and possibly help out opening it as it's kind of tricky, call

me...' Householders in some areas have been visited by police warning them about the threat of squatters in the area. Another house purchaser is now arranging for someone to stay in their new home until they move in, just to prevent squatters moving in. What is the UK coming to? Squatting itself is not illegal, as England is one of the few countries in the world that recognises so-called ‘squatters’ rights’. Squatting

is legal as long as occupants do not use force to break in, but that is almost impossible to prove. They simply break in, repair the damage and as long as nobody sees them, they have no case to answer. This has to stop, laws need to be changed. A quick remedy would be to give the squatters 24 hours to get out and tell them they will be forcibly removed if not. If they don’t get out, force entry, throw them out on the street (a few subtle kicks

etc. may be appropriate) and arrest anyone who argues. Anyone who is in the country legally can then spend a few days in prison while illegal immigrants could be deported. It may cost a bit to do, but as soon as these idiots realise they will not get away with it the better, the problem will soon disappear and save millions in the long run. Fairly simple really...

Friday, 25th March, 2011

ADAPTABILITY

HELP FOR DISBLED DRIVERS FROM COCHES GUARDAMAR

Now that you’ve made the move to Spain you may be worried that being disabled will stop you from buying a car, or that the costs of getting a car adapted to suit your needs will be too expensive. However, this is probably not the case. With technology always moving forwards, there are adaptations that will allow you to drive and they can be

tailored to you, or your car’s, needs. Coches Guardamar has been trading used cars in Spain for many years now and are specialists in adapting and preparing cars for disabled drivers.

Adapting vehicles Most cars and other vehicles too, can be adapted to suit a wide range of disabled

drivers and when you decide to buy a car you will need to know how it can be adapted to suit you. This could be anything from hand controls for the accelerator and brakes to a high-tech joystick type control. Coches Guardamar also stock wheelchair accessible vehicles which have already been modified to accommodate a wheelchair or mobility scooter. Coches Guardamar supply specially adapted cars for the disabled, or they can adapt your car for you. If you have a certain make and model of car that you are thinking of buying then a good idea would be to call the guys at Coches Guardamar who will be happy to discuss the availability (and suitability) of an adaption that way they will be able to give you all the help and advice you need.

Costs & help Getting a car adapted will cost extra money, but it doesn’t have to break the bank. Coches Guardamar are experienced in supplying and adapting cars and they will always provide you with good, sound and importantly, honest advice

DON'T SWEAR AT OTHER DRIVERS!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie. Then his car hit the pig.

and what can and can’t be done for you, and how much it will cost. As I say, the cost of the adaptions is not as much as you might have feared and the possibility of getting out and about in your own car again has got to be worth thinking about. Give Coches Guardamar a call to find out

if you can have your existing car adapted or for the availablity of cars they already have in stock. If you have any questions or want to take a look at some of the cars or adaptions available call Coches Guardamar on 600 683 435 for a friendly chat about mobility options for you.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

RUNNING YOUR CAR ON WATER Oh yes you can!

With prices of petrol continuously rising, people all over are searching for petrol alternatives. Vegetable oil and alcohol at some point in time were much talked about, but is not feasible. However, running a car on water earned the interest of millions of people who want to save both money and the environment! Running your car on water is also the easiest and low-cost way to convert your car to run on relatively free energy today. But how does it work? Water is being used to extract hydrogen known as HHO from water is known as electrolysis. This requires an electric current from your car battery. HHO petrol is then burned and can provide energy to power your car. A regular car would burn nearly 20 per cent of petrol and what remains is wasted on heat as well as the unburned petrol that is emitted and cause's pollution. Bet you didn't know that when you fill your tank with €30 worth of petrol; only €6 is used while the other 24 euros goes to waste. With a water power car converter system, your car's petrol consumption will decrease as hydrogen now will burn to fuel

HIDING IS THE KEY

Fill 'er up

BAR NONE!

Is it worth getting a tow bar fitted to your vehicle? We investigate the ‘pros and con; The biggest obstacle is the required “Homologation Certificate“ - which is a document that certifies that the vehicle has not been modified in a certain way (fitting a tow bar is classed as such a modification - even though it does not affect your car’s roadworthiness). And remember too that if you are bringing your vehicle from another country, if your car has a factory fitted tow bar and is clearly stated on the Log Book (Fichas Tecnicas) then this shouldn’t be a problem, however, if like the majority of people you have fitted the tow bar as a modification some time after the vehicle was manufactured, then it will begin to get complicated and you’ll need a trailer for the paperwork! Some tow bars are removable and as such the easiest option here may be to take it off and drive your car without one. That’s fine but what if you need it? Then you will have to make sure that this is written on the Fichas Tecnicas. The loop-holes. • If Your car is Still UK Registered - and assuming that your UK MOT is up to date – you could contact the DVLA and ask if your vehicle log book be updated to show that your vehicle has a tow bar fitted. This will then enable your local ITV station to issue you with a certificate and/or ensure that when you import your vehicle these details can be carried over. • If you are thinking about getting a tow bar fitted - ensure that you get the tow bar fitted at a qualified and approved garage (important) and be sure that you get the paperwork

Just the car keys under the bed will do...

Police have warned residents in Torrevieja to be careful with their keys after a series of two-in-one break-ins targeting the keys of high-value vehicles in the area and because more expensive models are proving extremely hard these days to steal without keys, thieves are searching for the keys themselves in owners' homes before making off with the cars. A spokesman told us,

your car as well as allow better petrol combustion. Water to fuel your car seems impossible, but it is real. No, your car will not use water as petrol. Using water however, as an additive to petrol or diesel so to double your petrol mileage and save on euros is now very popular, very real and in fact already being used by thousands of people around the world. Water is the most readily obtainable and affordable source and hydrogen energy has been proven to be more effective compared to electric cars. Electric cars use electricity which is fuelled by fossil fuel. While it is true that transporting hydrogen is costly, however, when you extract hydrogen from water, this becomes a very cost effective alternative. And what are the benefits? Getting rid of dangerous exhaust emission Hydrogen burns cleaner compared to petrol because oxygen and water are its by-products not harmful carbon. So, your car's emissions will be so much cleaner. It will produce less pollution and harmful greenhouse gases.

"We try to do everything we can to prevent and detect these type of offences and I would ask the public to assist us by removing their car keys from view and where possible take them upstairs to bed with them.’’ They recommend that residents treat their car keys as they would any other expensive or valuable item and not leave them lying around the house.

to state that this has been done and as always keep a copy in the vehicle with your other documents and take them with you to the ITV station. Be aware of this as being a potential issue if and when you come to purchase a used vehicle in Spain (particularly a used car from the UK as this will be most likely NOT to have the appropriate paperwork) Even when you have finally managed to obtain the necessary documents it does not end there…it just proves that your vehicle is roadworthy and that your tow bar has been installed safely, although you may have to go for an additional ITV for your caravan or trailer depending upon it’s dimensions.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS A very smug driver

A recent survey has discovered that the main thing motorists miss from when they were driving 20 odd years ago is cheaper petrol prices and in a poll by Kwik Fit they found that other things drivers would also like to see again are fewer speed bumps and quieter roads.

Out of the 2,000 people who took part in the survey a total of 4 per cent said there was not a single thing they liked about driving in this day and age. Although no London congestion charge, no speed cameras and easier parking were also on the most-missed list. It is possibly no big sur-

prise petrol prices should top the list as the cost at the pumps is currently very expensive, making it all the more important for motorists to shop around for the best deal on car insurance. Drivers believed that more comfort and better car reliability were the biggest attractions of modern-day motoring but also high on the list of the benefits of driving today were increased safety, greater fuel efficiency and electric windows. However, as many as 5 per cent of those polled missed not having to wear seatbelts, while 3 per cent longed for the days when cars had a manual choke. Boss of Kwik Fit, chief executive, Ian Fraser said: "Motorists clearly have mixed feelings about condi-

tions now compared with 20 years ago. On the one hand cars have pretty much improved in every department with even basic models offering air conditioning, electric windows and even SatNav."

So what do you miss? 1. Lower petrol prices 2. Quieter roads 3. Fewer speed bumps 4. Cheaper parking 5. Easier parking 6. No speed cameras 7. No congestion charges / toll roads 8. Fewer road narrowing chicanes 9. Car DIY easier with no computer diagnostics 10. Fewer roundabouts

Friday, 25th March, 2011

TKO NEWS

WIN A MEAL FOR TWO AND WINE AT QUESADA FISH & CHIPS

THE BIG PRIZE GIVE AWAY MAKES A RETURN TO TKO FM AND TKO GOLD Back by popular demand, TKO FM are running the “Beat The Intro” competition, each and every week! Starting on Monday 28th March we´ll have a fantastic prize up for grabs. TKO Media Group has, once again, teamed up with Lumsden Auctions to bring you prizes worth winning. Next week´s prize is a deluxe gaming bean bag with built in speakers and massage pad. You just plug in your mp3 player, PSP or any other gaming consol and off you go. These bean bags are on sale for 90 pounds in Argos. So just listen to the snippet of a song which will be played in each show and text or email your answer. The draw wilL be made in Davy Jones Show on Friday.

was hugely popular in the seventies? 3 What is the name of the very popular Irish ex Tesco worker who was on X Factor? 4 Who was the main force and bass player with Level 42? 5 Name the song based under water which featured in The Beatles film of the same name 6 Who had a hit with Wouldn’t It Be Good in 1983? 7 Who is the hottest property in the music business, currently and has a current hit named Someone Like You? 8 Which sadly missed London boy sang about Billericay Dickie? 9 Which West End Musical features the song I Dreamed A Dream? FIND THE KEY WORD AND LISTEN TO CHRIS ASHLEY ON MONDAY MORNINGS BETWEEN 8.00-11AM TO ENTER. CHRIS WILL ASK YOU TO TEXT OR EMAIL IN THE KEY WORD AND THE WINNER OF THIS WEEK’S ANSWER WILL BE ANNOUNCED.

Gold artist of the week…. This week´s Future Gold Track features the exciting country duo, The Janedears. Their history is short but they have caused quite a stir and it all started with a suggestion from a friend. Danelle and Susie were each pursuing careers when a friend suggested Danelle see Susie perform at a Nashville club. Before long, the two tried writing together, and from the moment they finished their first song they knew that they were a duo. While they struggled financially, they quickly began impressing industry people. After they performed at a Muzik Mafia event, John Rich became a huge supporter, helping them ink deals with Warner Music Nashville,. The JaneDear girls’ debut single,

1 What is the name of the German orchestra leader who 2 Which band’s late lead singer was Michael Hutchence?

TKO GOLD is running a similar competition too, again in conjunction with Lumsden Auctions. Next week´s prize is a DVD player. To enter just text, ring or email your answer in and if you get into the draw, with the correct answer, listen to Dave Knights on Friday, to see if you´ve won.

The Janedear Girls

Pop Quiz 25th Mar

“Wildflower,” is a song whose very roots express the organic unity of the approach Susie and Danelle take to life and music. "I have a vintage electric Mandocaster which is essentially a solid body electric mandolin and I bought an amp, plugged it in at a cowriting session and ‘Wildflower’ popped out. I had a wildflower in my hair that day, and that’s where we got the title.” "We have an amazing band," adds Danelle, "and once they laid it down and we added our vocals and Susie's electric mandolin and fiddle instrumentation, it was pretty much a no-brainer that it would be the first single. Their follow up single, Shotgun Girl is a modern, driving tune with a great melody and soaring harmonizing vocals. If you like either Country or easy listening music you won´t fail to enjoy this.

God No Longer A DJ

Faithless have split up after 15 years together, saying their current tour is a goodbye and thank you to fans. In a statement on their website singer Maxi Jazz said it was "time to close the book and return to the library" and they knew it was time to stop. The three-piece will be best remembered for singles like God Is A DJ, We Come 1 and Insomnia, a top three hit in 1996. The group, which comprises Jazz, Sister Bliss and Rollo, released their sixth and final album The Dance last year. They headlined a number of dance festivals and made memorable appearances at Glastonbury and Radio 1's Big Weekend in Bangor last May. Continuing his statement, Maxi Jazz added: "We've had, with you, the most unbelievable, epic and moving experience."

He said that their career had been "joyful, exhilarating and empowering" and that the group "never thought an affair could last this long. "Quite naturally people grow, change and leave the things of youth behind them. "If I devoted the rest of my life to the task, I could NEVER thank you enough. I have memories that will still be with me in my next life." Faithless have been one of the most prolific dance acts of the last two decades, consistently producing exceptional tracks which have been club favourites. All three members have also been heavily involved in the production of other artists as well remixing for some of the biggest names in the business. It’s assumed that they will continue to be involved in the dance music scene in one way or another.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

CODE CRACKER Code Cracker is a crossword puzzle with no clues; instead, every letter of the alphabet has been replaced by a number, the same number representing the same letter throughout the puzzle. All you have to do is decide which letter is represented by which number. In this week's puzzle, 2 represents L and 6 represents K, when these letters have been entered throughout the puzzle, you should have enough information to start guessing words and discovering other letters.

DOUBLE CROSS-WORD Solve the Double Cross-Word puzzle using either the standard or cryptic clues, the answers are exactly the same.

CRYTPIC CLUES

QUICKIE

Across 1 Go read new bookmark (3-3) 4 They all moved at the same pace for the arch (6) 9 Tear bit off cleric’s cap (7) 10 Dirt in jug rim edge (5) 11 Plant at the southern border (5) 12 Tried to work out in Michigan (7) 13 Horrid ashes produced pungent condiment (11) 18 Plenty follow old church cats (7) 20 Light wood from herbal samples (5) 22 Little Alfred returned with me, sweetheart (5) 23 Bodyguards for the lawless sectors (7) 24 Tool for one who’s over the top on stage (6) 25 Lower to catch the girl (6) STANDARD CLUES

Across 1 Permit (5) 4 Sequence (5) 6 Before (3) 7 Hangs about (5) 8 Comes round (5) 10 Owns (3) 12 Tempo (4) 14 Contract (4) 15 Loud (5) 16 Elderly (4) 18 Be paid (4) 20 Gamble (3) 22 Dish up (5) 23 Picture (5) 24 Snooze (3)

25 Uninterested (5) 26 Ledge (5) Down 2 Smallest amount (5) 3 Clean (4) 4 Bovines (4) 5 Foot joint (5) 7 Shrieks (7) 9 Stillness (7) 11 Get up (5) 13 Finish (3) 14 Colouring (3) 17 Mistake (5) 19 Conscious (5) 20 Curve (4) 21 Hints (4)

Last weeks Solution Across: 1 Moist, 4 Midst, 7 Nightmare, 8 Sick, 10 Boxer, 12 Minuet, 13 Stub, 16 Terminate, 18 Hilly, 19 Signs. Down: 1 Minus, 2 Inn, 3 Toga, 4 Mutton, 5 Dialect, 6 Toes, 9 Control, 11 Verify, 12 Match, 14 Basis, 15 Bass, 17 Egg.

Across 1 Page marker (3-3) 4 Keeping pace (6) 9 Roman Catholic priest’s hat (7) 10 Filth (5) 11 Rush-like plant (5) 12 Motor City (7) 13 Plant root used for seasoning (11) 18 Panther cats (7) 20 Strong lightweight wood (5) 22 Blaze (5) 23 Accompanies (7) 24 Mallet (6) 25 Posterior (6)

Down 1 Pollute seabed badly (6) 2 Wounded in the Al Gore dining room (5) 3 In German them strange hymns (7) 5 Fall behind it at the end of the day (5) 6 They have three legs, so drops it by mistake (7) 7 Fast passage for others in shipping line (6) 8 In serious difficulties with herds spread all over the place (4,7) 14 Swimming stroke not used by Chappell in infamous cricket match (4,3) 15 She came out with frilly lace, a disaster! (7) 16 Sponge found in toilet, note (6) 17 Was confused in her cable (6) 19 Huge gong around middle of chests (5) 21 Leafy tree left on a Roman Catholic hospital (5) Down 1 Humiliate (6) 2 Injured by a bull (5) 3 Songs of praise (7) 5 Hours of darkness (5) 6 Camera stands (7) 7 Suddenly (6) 8 Short of (4,7) 14 Bowling style (4,3) 15 Disaster (7) 16 Washing sponge (6) 17 Large rope (6) 19 Overweight (5) 21 Conifer (5)

Last weeks Solution Across: 1 Awed, 3 Contract, 9 Protest, 10 Plane, 11 Thyme, 12 Abroad, 14 Tussle, 16 Panama, 19 Gamble, 21 Ovoid, 24 Ouija, 25 Orifice, 26 Sing sing, 27 Gnat. Down: 1 Appetite, 2 Ebony, 4 Outlaw, 5 Taper, 6 Alabama, 7 Tees, 8 Repeal, 13 Bawdiest, 15 Sea-lion, 17 Adonis, 18 Bemoan, 20 Brass, 22 Onion, 23 Rods.

FILL IT IN

Complete the crossword grid by using the given words:

2 letter words An As At By He Hi If Ma Of Or So Up 3 letter words Ate Boo Dog Ear Eat

Gag Gap Lob Née Oft Red Tie 5 letter words Abash Afoot Alert Alias Alien Aloes Aorta Arose Aural Catch Catty

Chase Cleat Colds Dooms Highs Lagos Manos Maths Opera Pants Pasta Seals Sneak Steak Stoat Types Yeast

SPANISH-ENGLISH CROSSWORD Improve your Spanish - clues in Spanish, answers in English or vice versa.

Across 7 Solapas (de chaqueta) (6) 8 Dueños (de casa, coche, perro) (6) 9 Alone (4) 10 To warn (8) 11 Shelf (7) 13 Agua (5) 15 Acordar (precio, fecha) (5) 17 Lemonade (7) 20 El más sucio (8) 21 Seguro (4) 22 White (f) (6) 23 Goma de borrar (6)

Down 1 Canoes (6) 2 Hay (4) 3 Enamel (7) 4 Dust (in house, on ground) (5) 5 Aumentar (tamaño) (8) 6 Llegar (movimiento, destino, procedencia) (6) 12 Olive (8) 14 Pareja (compañero) (7) 16 Cricket (insect) (6) 18 Frying pan (6) 19 Retraso (5) 21 Chasquido (de dedos) (4)

Friday, 25th March, 2011 Across 1 In which city in northeastern Massachusetts did witchcraft trials take place in 1692? (5) 4 What name is given to any of several related languages of the Celts in Ireland and Scotland? (6) 9 Which regulatory substance is produced in an organism and transported in tissue fluids such as blood or sap to stimulate specific cells or tissues into action? (7) 10 What was the surname of the first woman to sit in the House of Commons? (5) 11 What is the name of the period preceding Easter, which in the Christian Church is devoted to fasting, abstinence, and penitence in commemoration of Christ’s fasting in the wilderness? (4) 12 Which British 80s pop duo consisted of Vince Clarke and Andy Bell? (7) 13 Which small domesticated carnivorous mammal with soft fur, has a short snout, and retractile claws? (3) 14 What was the title of the former monarch of Iran? (4) 16 What was the name of glam-rock band fronted by guitarist, singer and songwriter Marc Bolan? (1,3) 18 Balmoral Castle stands on which river? (3) 20 What is the surname of the dramatist who wrote the 1956 play Look Back in Anger? (7) 21 Who was the Greek goddess of victory? (4) 24 What name is given to the final and fully developed adult stage of an insect? (5)

SUDOKU

Quiz Word

25 What is the name of the platform extending into an auditorium, along which models parade to display clothes in fashion shows? (7) 26 What word can mean both ‘slightly drunk’ and ‘very small’? (6)

27 Which river that rises in eastern Cambridgeshire and flows eastward through East Anglia, forms most of the county boundary between Suffolk and Essex? (5) Down 1 What was the surname of the creator of the Peanuts cartoon strip? (6) 2 What was the surname of the Italian actress who married film producer Carlo Ponti in 1957? (5) 3 What name is given to any natural satellite of a planet? (4) 5 What name is given to a menu having individual dishes listed with separate prices? (1,2,5) 6 Which cultivated plant of the daisy family has edible leaves that are often an ingredient of salads? (7) 7 What name is given to an association of manufacturers or suppliers with the purpose of maintaining prices at a high level and restricting competition? (6) 8 Which headgear is a round flattish cap of felt or cloth typically worn by French peasants? (5) 13 What is the name of the stick of black carbon material used for drawing? (8) 15 What was the surname of the American science-fiction writer who founded Scientology? (7) 17 What name was given to a local, district, or national council in the former USSR? (6) 18 What name is given to a score of 40 all in a game of tennis? (5) 19 What is the surname of the first unseeded player to win the Wimbledon men’s singles title? (6) 22 Boise is the capital and largest city of which US state? (5) 23 Elisha who invented the safety elevator? (4)

SALLY’S SIMPLE SPANISH Every week we’ll be covering a different topic to help readers enlarge their Spanish vocabulary. This week we start with: Esta semana – Comida Basica - This week – Basic Food

Busca estas comidas en la sopa de letras. -Look for the basic food items in the wordsearch

1. What is the correct name for food permitted under Moslem laws? 2. On Mohs' Scale of Hardnest, the hardest is diamond what's the softest? 3. Who designed the first 'Iron' ship for Great Britain in 1845? 4. Name the famous English artist who painted mostly horses? 5. What is studied in the science of somatology? 6. Who was nicknamed 'The desert Fox'? 7. What are Munroes? 8. What does a geophage enjoy? 9. Gondolas in Venice are traditionally what colour? 10. What tanker caused a severe oil spill in 1989? 11. There are 16 bottles of Champagne in a what? 12. Shane Fenton is better known as? 13. What country had an airline called Rottnest? 14. Tigers have stripped fur, what colour is their skin? 15. What city was once called York? ANSWERS 1. Hal-al 2. Talc 3. I. Kingdom Brunel 4. George Stubbs 5. The Body 6. Erwin Rommel 7. Mountains in Scotland 8. Eating earth 9. Black 10. Exxon Valdez (Alaska) 11. Balthazar 12. Alvin Stardust 13. Australia 14. Stripped 15. Toronto, by British governor 1793

Last Week’s Solutions Code Cracker Last weeks Quiz Wordsolution Across: 7 Oberon, 8 Palate, 10 Anemone, 11 Stern, 12 Iris, 13 Sewer, 17 Haunt, 18 Kate, 22 OJays, 23 Adam Ant, 24 Egg nog, 25 Spells. Down: 1 Horatio, 2 Genesis, 3 Robot, 4 Banshee, 5 Hades, 6 Henna, 9 Perennial, 14 Bassoon, 15 Parable, 16 Vectis, 19 Bogey, 20 Tango, 21 Harpo.

ARROZ GJ HA CY F V E MB D B A I M AZUCAR P CB A K NF E CAFE X E HL OOX E T T Z E F A QR CARNE E L T MJ OU B CHOCOLATE RZ ORRA E K FRITAS NK OE UNS K E I MMC GOJ FRUTAHELADO RA CUZ A OO HUEVOS A R X WE A M Y H E L A D O M C JAMONLECHE A S P OL L OD MERMELADA B J V X B F CX PAN WS J B O D C G

PASTA PATATAS PESCADO POLLO QUESO TERNERA VERDURAS VINO YOGURT ZUMO

xx You will find the answers at the bottom of the quiz. 1.leche, 2.pan, 3.azucar, 4.queso, 5.fruta, 6.verduras, 7.arroz, 8.pasta, 9.cafe,

Soduko

a.cheese b.rice c.fruit d.milk e.bread f.pasta g.sugar h.vegetables i.ham

10.te, 11.yogurt, 12.jamon, 13.mermelada, 14.patatas fritas 15.tomates, 16.zumo, 17.vino, 18.carne,

Span - Eng

j.yogourt k.coffee l. jam m.tea n.meat o.eggs p.beef q.fish r.tomatoes

Quizword

19.huevos, 20.pollo, 21.ternera, 22.pescado, 23.chocolate, 24.helado

s.juice t.wine u.chicken v.icecream w.chips x.chocolate

Answers: 1d, 2e, 3g, 4a, 5c, 6h, 7b, 8f, 9k, 10m, 11j, 12i, 13l, 14w, 15r, 16s, 17t, 18n, 19o, 20u, 21p, 22q, 23x, 24v.

KidzTRIVIACorner QUIZ

P DF J UF L QA OGRHS A P T UA OP Z T T A V UP UA S E T E L MOU A S A A OHP CP L S NNA P ONN T DDCE OS O WO N M M A Z HRNNA T CA RK OJ I CV E RDUR P UB V X B F RS P I S Y K

Fill It In

Friday, 25th March, 2011

TOE-TALLY FISH SALON, Quesada Entering the busy salon I was greeted by Lavinia, who explained how the process works. I chatted to several clients who were at that moment experiencing the treatment, and highly recommended it. Each client prerinses their feet, then has their own dedicated fish and water pool. These fish cannot transfer any diseases to humans. The water is sterilized and the fish are constantly changed, ensuring the utmost hygiene, along with Using UV lighting which also prevents bacteria.

What does it feel like ?

A unique pedicure experience Fish Spa treatment is a natural pedicure method which originated from Turkey and has been practiced all over the Far East. Using Garra Rufa Fish, which are also known as doctor fish, it is a unique skin treatment and will leave your feet feeling like new.

ment for your blood circulation and flow. Fish pedicures are completely safe for people with diabetes and can actually provide a lot of benefits, as fish stimulate the acupuncture points on the soles of the feet that can help circulation. This is a safe and natural way to eliminate dead skin on a regular basis as our spas run on a continuous filtration system. This unique experience costs much less than you would imagine. Prices start at just 10 euros for a hand pedicure. So now you have no excuse to not get your feet in shape for summer. With gift vouchers available, this is a perfect gift for Mother’s Day. Why not pop along to Toe-Tally Fish Salon, No.7 Calle Los Arcos, Ciudad Quesada. It’s certainly worth a visit. For more information contact 699 677 080 or 608 135 788 The only time you cannot participate in this type of pedicure is if you have any open wounds. All our pumps are fitted with UV lighting to eliminate biological contamination and keep the tanks healthy and clean.

Initally it can be a little tickly to start with, which is great , because we can all do with a laugh once in a while. You will then feel a light tingling sensation as you relax and enjoy a foot massage with a difference, accompanied by soft background music. It’s the ideal therapy to unwind and relax. These clever fish have no teeth , they gently nibble and suck away on unhealthy or dead skin which leaves your feet feeling amazing, refreshed and healthy. There are also many other benefits from this special treat-

LOOKING GOOD BEGINS AT 40! Very high tech, from lightweight sheer fluids to creams and mousse they boast amazing coverage and colour adjusting capabilities. They even have light reflecting particles to add luminosity to dull, tired skin. Colour on the Run Palette There's also a vast new collection of the softest colours for eyes, lips and blush. It seems the rules have been rewritten to give us formulas that are easy to apply and bring benefits almost like an extension to our daily skin care.

Velvety Soft Shadows

You could be missing a whole new world of beauty products made exclusively for mature skin. Take advantage of the newest make up primers to prepare your skin for a lovely make up. Choose one to neutralize redness, add colour to pallid skin or even brighten with a light golden tan. Whichever way you go your skin imperfections are yesterday and you're ready for...

Anti-Aging foundations

The latest eye shadows are fine milled to be soft and gently matt. They adhere better to mature skin because they have hydrating qualities. This also means they won't settle into hideous lines in the eyelid. Choose the right colour combinations and make up techniques to minimise droopy or loose eyelids. Then finish with great mascara in the most flattering colour. One that will lengthen the lashes without dropping hundreds of tiny filaments under your eyes suggesting darkness where you really don't need it. Don't neglect sparse eyebrows. With colour and the right

tools it's easy to shape brows to add definition. Lipsticks too have seen remarkable changes. The formulas are more creamy even containing anti-aging ingredients in some cases. They are satiny without being shiny and the colours are designed to last all day. Use a pencil like to enhance the shape of your lips and guarantee that your lipstick won't bleed into the tiny lines around your mouth.

Best Undercover Work! Concealer is indispensible if you suffer from rosacea or darkness under your eyes. It’s hard to know which one or which combination to buy. Learn how to use concealer and get the best results with tips and tricks used by make-up artists. It can be a little difficult at first, just experiment until you achieve the clear tone you have been looking for. Perhaps an even easier solution to ruddy complexion, age spots or enlarged pores is a make-up primer. This new kind of product can work wonders, making your make up last longer, cover better, minimizing lines and wrinkles and smoothing enlarged pores. I have put together all you need to know about foundation primer before buying one for your specific needs and how to apply it to get the best results on mature skin.

THE SECRETS OF ALOE VERA READ ALL ABOUT IT! only in Jungle Drums Magazine OUT 5th APRIL

Friday, 25th March, 2011

OPERATION BIKINI

DO YOU MEASURE UP? Atkins diet, is becoming increasingly popular. While there are many low carbohydrate diets to choose from today, the Atkins Diet receives the most press and implementation. The Atkins Diet is the brainchild of Dr. Robert Atkins, who developed it from a new nutritional approach he studied in the '60's. His reference base was reportedly the Journal of the American Medical Association. Interestingly, Dr. Atkins used his diet on himself with considerable success before he began advocating it. He successfully used his diet on tens of thousands before he began writing about it in a series of books. In 1989, Dr. Atkins established the company Atkins Nutritionals in Ronkonkoma, New York. However, the company's initial success was not sustainable and he filed for bankruptcy in mid-2005. Dr. Robert Atkins himself died of a fatal injury to his head sometime in 2003.

•Making changes for weight loss in your diet doesn't mean that you reduce the amount of food you can eat, but substitute unhealthy foods with healthier ones. Make a list of the healthy foods, and all the unhealthy foods you eat and then avoid eating junk foods, sugary foods, sugary drinks, coffee or tea, or any fried foods. This doesn’t mean that you can NEVER have things that you enjoy, just try and cut them down as much as possible.

Weight Loss Tips & Tricks •The first thing you need to do in any weight loss programs is calculate your BMI and that done, figure out just how overweight you are. You can aim at the normal weight range for your height and age but always remember that we are all different shapes and sizes Another good idea is to take your body measurements to keep track of your changing shape. Measure your calves, thighs, hips, abdomen, bust (mainly women…), forearms, upper arms, neck, etc. and then take a note that you can always refer back to. Then every month you can note down how many pounds you have lost and how many inches (or cm) you have lost from different body areas. •Now, there are two other things you need to aim to be doing and the first is making healthy changes in your diet and secondly including some form of exercise daily.

•For example you can substitute unhealthy snacks with yogurt with berries or your favourite fruits, hummus with crackers, dry fruits and nuts, low fat string cheese with some wheat crackers, low fat granola bars, fresh fruit salads, fresh vegetable salads, etc. •These were the snacks option; you can also replace soft drinks, coffee or tea with green tea. Did you know that drinking 3 - 4 cups of green tea and plenty of water throughout the day will keep your body hydrated and also help cleanse the body? •Make sure you cook your meals using very little oil and use olive oil not sunflower plus, steaming, broiling, baking or grilling are some options to make healthier meals. • Try for a month to just focus on these weight loss foods and once you are comfortable with these diet changes try and add some exercise to your weight loss program. •There are various weight loss exercises, but how about a simple walk for 30 minutes in the morning or, if you are already going for walks, why not start jogging to add more intensity. Another tip is to have a glass of cold water with lemon juice in the morning which can help to speed up your metabolism. •If you have time after jogging, and you’re now getting enthusiastic, then do some strength training exercises like lifting some basic weights and doing some easy weight lifting exercises, to tone up. •However, if you are aiming at really quick weight loss then consider joining a gym. It is not necessary to implement all the above weight loss tips at once and the experts say that the best way to lose weight is to give yourself time to adjust to a healthier lifestyle and to try and maintain a healthy and fit body; - all you have to do is stick to it…simple.

DODGY DIETS? ATKINS The Atkins Nutritional Approach, more popularly called the

IN A RUSH? TOP TEN BEAUTY TIPS We are always in a hurry, aren't we? Who has time to put on makeup and get dressed when we are trying to get the kids ready for school on time? Here are 10 fast and fun beauty tips... 1-skin moisturiser-moisturise at night and wake up to fresher, younger looking skin. 2-do some deep breathing and morning stretched to get your blood pumping and get all the night's cricks out. You will feel fresh and alive and ready to take on the day. 3-get a makeup that is a base and powder in one for quick application. 4-brush hair underneath then flip over and brush. This will smooth hair and give it a little lift. Put hair up in a ponytail or clips for

a young, fresh look that is quick, no time for rollers or curling irons (shower and wash hair in the evenings to save time) 5-prepare clothes night before (if you have to try on outfits, do so the night before. Dress in simple things that make you look and feel attractive and feminine, that make you feel good about yourself, and ready to face the day. (Simple is always attractive) 6-For a fast lip application, line the lips, then apply a gloss inside the liner. 7-less is more. Apply a thin coat of mascara or just use the clear coat kind just to bring out the lashes a bit. 8-do away with brushes for shadows and lips, use your fingers, just a dab will do you. 9-spritz on a little smell good and you're good to go 10-grab some comfortable, versatile shoes, maybe sandals, that go with most of your outfits so you're not taking all morning choosing which pair of shoes to wear today. Save the 4 inch blue heels for your wild nights on the town.

‘INSTANT’ WEIGHT LOSS! Diets claiming that they can turn your whole look around, by insisting that at the end of it you will look like a model off a magazine. People, who are driven to lose weight fast, because of social issues and emotional meltdowns, look for the quickest means to get out of that state. When the diet works fast in the first stages the effects start to die off, leaving you still feeling over weight and depressed. Due to this, people start to give up on the idea of a diet. QUICK WEIGHT LOSS DIET PILLS Weight loss diet pills can be effective in losing body fat in quick time but be careful; to choose products with good reputation as there are many products in the market which claim to reduce body fat in quick time however, are not very effective. Choosing the best weight loss pill is therefore, necessary and side effects are often a cause of problems when dieting with pills.

WHY FAD DIETS ARE BAD FOR YOU The reasons of why fad diets are bad for you are never speculated by the people who want to try out the diet. They get into it headlong, without giving it a second thought, and ultimately end up suffering from the drawbacks that they initially ignored. So that is why it is important to first know why the diet is bad for you, and how it is better to go on a healthy diet plan, which is both balanced and nutritional. •People aren't aware of what the diet is doing to their bodies, as it depletes nutrients and vitamins from the body. •People are promised an added element to weight loss like supplements or fat burners, to help lose weight faster than thought possible. People don't realize how this in turn can damage the body over time. The lack of stress, or the absence of this vital piece of information, which is to be active in order to speed the calorie burning process, is nonexistent in the diet plan. •Fad diets claim to make you cut down on about 2 pounds of weight per week, which is not good for health, since the nutrients deplete from the body at a rapid rate. Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia can develop, due to being over obsessed with losing weight, even after he/she reaches an all too skinny frame.

NO WORRIES!

Stay Young by Keeping Your Mind and Body Stress Free Stress is a physical, mental, and emotional imbalance that can lead to more serious ailments. It is a threatening disorder that affects millions of people around the world, young and old alike. Find out the major causes of stress and how to prevent it. Stress or burn out is affecting millions of people every single day. In this fast-paced we are living in, it will come as no surprise at all that many are prone to burning out. There are many factors found in the environment that contribute greatly to the draining of our body’s energy and making us more susceptible to illness. Further, it can make you feel and look too old

for your age. Major causes of this health problem are too much pressure at work, pollutants in the environment, personal problems, nervousness, lack of sleep, depression, anxiety, and so much more. As something very common, studies proved that there are many symptoms of stress. Firstly, your body feels too tired due to lack of sleep and proper rest. Next, you may experience dizziness or nausea. You may also lack appetite to eat because you are always in a hurry or too busy to grab a bite. Moreover, you become easily infected with ailments like flu and cold. You also look old because of dark circles under your eyes.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Horoscopes Dear Tia Maria. My wife and I have been living in Spain for 2 years and really enjoying it, but recently I lost my job and although my wife works part time it is not enough to keep us. I have tried everywhere to find a new job but haven’t had any luck. Our house is in negative equity and we are starting to get behind on the mortgage payments. I am really worried about our future. Can you offer any advice?

MORTGAGE WOES

Tony, Guardamar Tia Maria says: Hi Tony. I think the problems you are experiencing are unfortunately a familiar story these days in Spain since the recession. The first thing you must do is talk to your bank, the Spanish Government has made it much easier to change mortgages to make them more affordable due to the huge number of repossessions, so they may well be able to reduce your mortgage. You don’t say how old you are or

what you do/did, but the biggest problem for people under retirement age here in Spain is probably earning a living. As you have found,

jobs are few and far between, especially in these hard times. Finding a job in Spain normally results from making contacts, so what

about a bar job a couple of nights a week? It is amazing h o w m a n y people you might meet that might lead to permanent employment. Voluntary work is another good way to meet people. Tell as many people as you can that you are looking for work and be prepared to start small but keep an eye out for better opportunities. If you really can’t find a job, think about maybe working for yourself if you have a trade. A gestor would be able to advise you on the financial implications of setting up as “autonomo” or self-employed. Maybe your wife can increase the hours she works until you find something to tide you over. If you still have a base and contacts in The UK it might be worth seeing if there is any work you can do there while things are still so difficult here, maybe on a temporary basis again to get you through these hard times. Don’t give up, and sooner or later an opportunity will arise for you I’m sure.

WOMEN STILL LIGHTING UP Spain's Health Minister has announced the number of Spanish women who smoke has doubled during the last

25 years, rising from 16.6 percent to 31.3 percent. Meanwhile the number of male smokers in Spain has dropped by 24 percent. In the clearest example yet that recent anti-smoking campaigns launched by past Spanish governments have been totally ineffective, Salgado said that during the past ten years the number of women smokers had risen by over 4 percent and, even worse, that no less than 30 out of every 100 pregnant women smoke during their pregnancy. According to the figures released by the Spanish minister this morning, girl teenagers tend to start smoking before boys. Alcohol abuse among young women is also on the rise. In 1997, 38 percent of girls between 15 and 19 years old said they had been drunk at least once. By 2008 the figure had risen to 51 percent. Elena Salgado warned that smoking and drinking habits among young Spanish women were causing a gradual deterioration in their health. During the last decade, the life expectancy of women has risen by just 2.3 years compared to a rise of 2.8 years among Spanish men. According to the Spanish health minister, one of eight women ministers in the government, part of the blame for problems with tobacco and alcohol among Spanish women lies with the different social roles assigned to men and women. She said that her ministry's Observatory on Women's Health would be studying ways of solving sex discrimination in terms of wages, working conditions and promotion.

NEED HELP? Comisión para la investigación de malos tratos a mujeres (Research Comission for Violence Against Women) Tel: 900 100 009 Monday through Friday from 9:00 to 21:00

By Pandora Aries March 21 - April 19 You have all the right financial instincts this week... Whether you use them or ignore them is up to you. Either way, the universe is trying to show you the way but it's not going to twist your arm for force you to listen to that inner voice it places within you. Now is the time to sit up & make your plans.

Taurus April 20 - May 20 This is surely one time when it's your personality that is needed to carry the day. It's easy to lose perspective of what others may be going through when everything for you is pointing towards prosperity & personal abundance. Right now, it's important to keep in mind that you just cannot rush nature into making things happen before their time...

Gemini May 21 - June 20 You really need to slow yourself down this week because others just can't keep up or will be able to connect with you... Your chart energy is going too fast and needs to be directed at projects or tasks that can handle a lot of input & activity.

Cancer June 21 - July 22 Your chart is totally ready to shift gears & create a brand new life adventure for you... This is likely to reach nearly every area of your life... From the career to your relationships... With all the planets located at the top (midheaven) of the chart, the end results should be rather good!!...

Leo July 23 - August 22 This transit energy cries out for you to take action and remain in control, the problem is that things are happening so quickly that you don't have enough time to think things through, so there is an element of uncertainty involved here. Trying to do what you think others want rather than just following through with what's in your heart & soul.

Virgo August 23 - September 22 It's rather obvious the universe is trying to take control of your life and really just needs you to kind of stay out of it's way & let things happen naturally... The more you try to make things happen, the more likely you'll experience set-backs or delays.

Libra September 23 - October 22 Your chart is calling out for some needed calmness and clarity this week... With so much chaos taking place, you cannot allow yourself to fall into that madness... It's having the wisdom of knowing the best part about having personal power is knowing that you don't have to use it!!...

Scorpio October 23 - November 21 There is a lot happening in your chart this week. Too many factors, choices & possibilities to deal with or for your mind & heart to process. So in a time like this, it's best not to take unnecessary actions unless you're absolutely sure as to what will happen as a result.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Your chart is all about bringing about a transformation in the area of your personal relationships... That's where this energy is leading you, but it's not going to get there in the usual or expected ways... That means that anything you do to try to "help it along" will probably meet with restrictions, problems or challenges.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19 With the planets activating your 3rd & 4th Houses, the energy is trying to lead you towards prosperity, wealth & abundance but there is also a childish characteristic that tends to cause you to rebel against the wisdom of your own inner voice... This can also be about wanting things that you know inside will make you miserable...

Aquarius January 20 - February 18 The core of your chart is simple... The path you are on should not be travelled alone... That means being smart enough & willing to know when you must make commitments and keep to them. Being in paradise alone would be lonely, so energy rolls in that makes it extremely easy to meet & connect with others

Pisces February 19 - March 20 This week's energy favours the fun & playful side of your nature... It can be an eye-opening experience too because some very strange & revealing things can be said that gives you a much deeper insight into the real motivations & intentions of others. Being playful does not mean being reckless or childish.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ON THE TELLY..? EastEnders

One Born Every Minute

BBC 1 Friday, March 25th, 2011, 9:00pm to 9:30pm Michael is taken on an unwelcome trip by an enemy, while Roxy goes all-out to impress at the opening of the Boxing Gym. Ronnie pushes Phil too far, but will he guess her dark secret? Alfie comes to a heart-breaking decision, with devastating consequences for Kat.

Channel 4 Monday, March 28th, 2011, 10:00pm to 11:00pm Every minute of every day, a baby is born in Britain. One Born Every Minute celebrates what it really feels like to become a parent, by filling a bustling maternity hospital with 40 cameras.

The Gadget Show

Have I Got News for You

Channel 5 Monday, March 28th, 2011, 9:00pm to 10:00pm Consumer technology show presented by Suzi Perry, Jason Bradbury, Ortis Deley, Jon Bentley and Pollyanna Woodward. Suzi and Pollyanna enlist a robotic army in an extreme paintball challenge, a celebrity baker helps Jon test out the latest and greatest in bread-makers, Pollyanna enrols in a driving lesson with a difference, and Ortis rates digital photo frames.

Dave Monday, March 28th, 2011, 10:00pm to 10:40pm Fine purveyors of topical satire Paul Merton and Ian Hislop welcome guests James May and Reginald D Hunter to the topical panel show. Dominic West - of The Wire fame - hosts.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Friday 25th March 00:40 This Week 01:30 Libya’s Lost Revolution: Panorama 02:00 Countryfile 03:00 Antiques Roadshow 04:00 The Paedophile Hunters 05:00 BBC News 05:30 HARDtalk 06:00 The World Today 06:30 World Business Report 07:00 Breakfast 10:15 Heir Hunters 11:00 Homes Under the Hammer 12:00 Britain’s Empty Homes 12:30 Cash in the Attic 13:15 Bargain Hunt 14:30 Regional News and Weather 14:45 Doctors 15:15 Escape to the Country 16:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 16:05 Deadly 60 16:35 Deadly 60 Bite Size 16:40 Deadly Art 17:00 Dani’s House 17:30 Tracy Beaker Returns 18:00 Newsround 18:15 Weakest Link 19:00 BBC News 19:30 Regional News Programmes 20:00 The One Show 20:30 Rip Off Britain 21:00 EastEnders 21:30 QI 22:00 New Tricks 23:00 BBC News 23:25 Regional News and Weather 23:35 Comic Relief: David Walliams’ 24 Hour Panel People BBC2 00:20 Budget Response 00:25 ICC Cricket World Cup Highlights 01:25 BBC News 01:30 BBC World News America 02:00 BBC News 02:30 ABC World News with Diane Sawyer 03:00 BBC News 03:30 The Record 04:00 BBC News

04:30 Our World 05:00 Secondary Schools: Belief File - Judaism 06:00 Belief File - Hinduism 07:00 Finley the Fire Engine 07:10 Zigby 07:25 The Large Family 07:35 Little Robots 07:50 Rastamouse 08:00 Barney’s Barrier Reef 08:25 Newsround 08:30 Muddle Earth 08:45 Eliot Kid 09:00 The Sparticle Mystery 09:30 LazyTown 09:55 Numberjacks 10:10 The Koala Brothers 10:25 Big Barn Farm 10:40 Little Human Planet 10:45 Timmy Time 10:55 3rd & Bird 11:05 Postman Pat: SDS 11:20 Pingu 11:25 64 Zoo Lane 11:45 Waybuloo 12:05 In the Night Garden 12:35 Meerkat Manor 13:00 Daily Politics 13:30 GMT with George Alagiah 14:00 Diagnosis Murder 14:45 To Buy or Not to Buy 15:30 Restoration Roadshow 16:00 Flog It! 16:45 Helicopter Heroes 17:30 Pointless 18:15 Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is 19:00 Eggheads 19:30 Royal Upstairs Downstairs

20:00 20:30 21:00 21:30 22:00 23:00 23:30

Britain by Bike An Island Parish Mastermind Gardeners’ World This Is Britain Frank Skinner’s Opinionated Newsnight

ITV 01:45 The Zone 03:45 The Jeremy Kyle Show 04:40 Gaddafi and Me: Tonight 05:05 ITV Nightscreen 06:30 ITV Morning News 07:00 Daybreak 09:30 Lorraine 10:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30 This Morning 13:30 Loose Women 14:30 ITV News and Weather 14:55 Meridian News and Weather 15:00 60 Minute Makeover 16:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 16:59 Meridian Weather 17:00 Midsomer Murders 18:00 The Chase 19:00 Meridian Tonight 19:30 ITV News and Weather 20:00 Emmerdale 20:30 Coronation Street 21:00 Children’s Hospital 21:30 Coronation Street 22:00 Benidorm 23:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 23:30 Meridian Tonight and Weather 23:35 The Cube

THIS IS BRITAIN If you're feeling grumpy about having to fill in a 32-page census form that demands to know your religious beliefs and what kind of central heating you have, watch this. Andrew Marr takes a look at what previous censuses have revealed about Britain. Did you know, for example, that the French love us more than we realise? Around 400,000 of them live here, mostly in London.

C4 00:05 The Big Bang Theory 00:35 The Ricky Gervais Show 01:10 CTRL MX 01:40 4Play: Skepta 01:55 On Track 02:20 The People’s Supermarket 03:15 Dispatches: Train Journeys from Hell 04:10 Without a Trace 04:55 Hill Street Blues 05:45 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 06:10 Countdown 06:55 Yo Gabba Gabba! 07:20 The Hoobs 08:10 Freshly Squeezed 08:40 Everybody Loves Raymond 09:05 Frasier 09:35 Friends 10:10 Supernanny USA 11:00 Brothers & Sisters 11:55 Gok’s Fashion Fix 13:00 Channel 4 News Summary 13:05 River Cottage Bites 13:15 Gunman’s Walk 15:05 Cookery School 16:10 Countdown 16:55 Deal or No Deal 18:00 Come Dine with Me 18:30 Coach Trip 19:00 The Simpsons 19:30 Hollyoaks 20:00 Channel 4 News 20:25 4thought.tv 20:30 Unreported World 21:00 Supersize vs Superskinny Kids

22:00 Embarrassing Bodies 23:00 Friday Night Dinner 23:35 Rude Tube: Total Stunts C5 00:15 CCTV Cities 01:15 SuperCasino 05:05 The FBI Files 05:55 Animal Rescue Squad 06:10 Wildlife SOS 06:35 House Doctor 07:00 Thomas & Friends 07:10 Roary the Racing Car 07:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 07:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 07:40 Rupert Bear 07:50 Peppa Pig 07:55 Little Princess 08:05 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 08:15 The Mr Men Show 08:30 Thomas & Friends 08:45 Make Way for Noddy 09:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 09:15 Peppa Pig 09:30 Roary the Racing Car 09:40 Hana’s Helpline 09:50 The WotWots 10:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 10:15 The Wright Stuff 12:05 Cowboy Builders 13:00 Meals in Moments 13:10 5 News Lunchtime 13:20 House 14:15 Home and Away 14:45 Neighbours 15:15 The Vanessa Show 16:05 Animal Rescue Squad 16:20 Love Is a Four Letter Word 18:00 5 News at 5 18:30 Neighbours 19:00 Home and Away 19:25 OK! TV 20:00 5 News at 7 20:30 Vets in Action 21:00 Ice Road Truckers 21:00 5 News at 9 22:00 The Mentalist 23:00 Law & Order 23:55 CSI: Miami

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Saturday 26th March 00:35 The National Lottery Friday Night Draws 00:50 Scary Movie 3 02:10 Horizon: Predators in your Backyard 03:10 Hidden Treasures of African Art 04:10 BBC News 04:30 Click 04:45 Newswatch 05:00 BBC News 05:30 The Bottom Line 06:00 Formula 1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying 08:30 Breakfast 11:00 Saturday Kitchen Live 12:30 Raymond Blanc’s Kitchen Secrets 13:00 BBC News; Regional News and Weather 13:15 Football Focus 14:00 Formula 1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying 15:15 Cycling 16:45 The Boat Race 2011 18:50 BBC News; Regional News and Weather 19:10 All New Total Wipeout: The Final 20:10 So You Think You Can Dance 21:10 The National Lottery: Secret Fortune 22:00 Casualty 22:50 BBC News; Weather 23:10 Live at the Apollo 23:55 John Bishop’s Britain BBC2 00:00 The Review Show 00:50 ICC Cricket World Cup Highlights 01:00 BBC News

01:50 The Hidden Blade 04:00 Close 07:00 Finley the Fire Engine 07:10 Zigby 07:25 The Large Family 07:35 Little Robots 07:45 Rastamouse 08:00 Basil and Barney’s Game Show 08:30 Arthur 09:00 Sam & Mark’s Guide to Dodging Disaster 09:30 Project Parent 10:00 Dick & Dom’s Funny Business 11:00 Trapped Ever After 11:25 OOglies 11:45 Copycats 12:15 My Life: Toy Soldiers 12:45 MOTD Kickabout 13:00 Lifeline 13:10 Priceless Antiques Roadshow 13:15 Diagnosis Murder 14:00 Anatomy of a Murder 16:35 Churches: How to Read Them 17:05 The Spice Trail 18:05 Escape to the Country 19:05 Flog It! 19:35 Dad’s Army 20:05 Reputations 21:00 The Story of Variety with

Michael Grade 22:00 Goldie’s Band: By Royal Appointment 23:00 The Tudors 23:55 Nurse Jackie ITV 00:35 02:05 04:05 04:50 06:30 07:00 08:25 10:25 12:45 13:50 14:50 15:04 15:05 15:35 17:30 17:45 19:25 19:40 20:10 20:40 22:00

Take Me Out The Zone In Plain Sight ITV Nightscreen ITV Morning News Mini CITV CITV Coronation Street This Morning: Saturday Monk ITV News and Weather Meridian Weather You’ve Been Framed! HouseSitter Meridian News and Weather Bean ITV News and Weather New You’ve Been Framed! Harry Hill’s TV Burp Ant & Dec’s Push the Button Quantum of Solace

C4 00:40 10 O’Clock Live

GOLDIE'S BAND: BY ROYAL APPOINTMENT New series. Three-part documentary following the DJ and a team of industry experts as they select 12 young musicians from around the nation, who will perform at Buckingham Palace, in the presence of guest of honour Prince Harry.

01:40 The Album Chart Show Introduces Mike Posner 01:55 CTRL MX 02:20 4Play: Kassidy 02:35 My Name Is Earl 03:30 Modern Toss 03:55 My Neighbour Totoro 05:30 Reaper 06:15 Countdown 06:50 Yo Gabba Gabba! 07:00 The Treacle People 07:10 The Hoobs 07:35 IAAF World Cross Country Championships 08:25 The Grid 08:55 The Morning Line 09:50 Friends 10:25 Black Eyed Peas: Real Stories 11:30 Glee 12:35 Great British Hairdresser 13:40 The Big Bang Theory 14:45 Channel 4 Racing 16:40 Come Dine with Me Extra Portions 18:15 Dubai World Cup 19:00 Come Dine with Me Extra Portions 19:30 Channel 4 News 19:55 4thought.tv 20:00 River Cottage Every Day 21:00 Seven Ages of Britain 22:00 Peter Kay’s Britain’s Got the

Pop Factor C5 00:55 Cops in Crisis 01:15 SuperCasino 04:55 Motorsport Mundial 05:20 The FBI Files 06:10 Wildlife SOS 06:35 House Doctor 07:00 Peppa Pig 07:05 Roary the Racing Car 07:15 Fifi and the Flowertots 07:25 Fireman Sam 07:40 Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends 07:50 The Beeps 08:00 Mio Mao 08:05 Chiro 08:15 Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:25 Make Way for Noddy 08:35 Castle Farm 08:40 Igam Ogam 08:50 Funky Valley 09:00 Little Princess 09:10 Mio Mao 09:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 09:30 Milkshake Monkey 09:35 Play! 09:45 Rupert Bear 10:00 Olivia 10:15 The Mr Men Show 10:30 Gerald McBoing Boing 11:00 The Gadget Show 12:00 Ice Road Truckers 13:00 While You Were Sleeping 15:00 Dune 17:40 The Professionals 19:55 5 News Weekend 20:00 NCIS 20:55 CSI: Grissom’s Greatest 21:50 CSI: Miami 22:50 CSI: NY 23:45 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Sunday 27th March 00:25 The Armstrong & Miller Show 00:55 The Football League Show 01:50 Reporters 02:00 BBC News 02:30 On the Road with a Brain Scientist 03:00 BBC News 03:30 Our World: Cuba at the Crossroads 04:00 BBC News 04:30 Click 05:00 BBC News 05:30 The Record Europe 06:00 Formula 1: The Australian Grand Prix Live 09:00 The Andrew Marr Show 10:00 The Big Questions 11:00 Country Tracks 12:00 The Politics Show 13:00 Formula 1: The Australian Grand Prix 14:55 EastEnders 16:55 Songs of Praise 17:35 BBC News; Regional News and Weather 18:00 Nigel Slater’s Simple Suppers 18:30 The Boat That Guy Built 19:00 Countryfile 20:00 Antiques Roadshow 21:00 Waking the Dead 22:00 BBC News; Regional News and Weather 22:25 Imagine: The Trouble with Tolstoy 23:30 The Flying Scotsman BBC2 00:25 Frank Skinner’s Opinionated 00:55 ICC Cricket World Cup

Highlights 01:55 Man about Dog 03:15 Close 06:00 Finley the Fire Engine 06:10 Zigby 06:25 The Large Family 06:35 Little Robots 06:45 Rastamouse 07:00 Basil and Barney’s Game Show 07:30 Arthur 08:00 Sam & Mark’s Guide to Dodging Disaster 08:30 Gimme a Break 09:00 Dick & Dom Go Wild 09:30 My Life 10:00 Something for the Weekend 11:30 MasterChef 12:30 Escape to the Country 13:15 Two Rode Together 15:00 Cycling 17:15 Dirty Rotten Scoundrels 19:00 Top Gear 20:00 Japan Earthquake: A Horizon Special with Iain Stewart 21:00 Wonders of the Universe 22:00 The Grumpy Guide to Work 23:00 Infamous

00:00 ITV News and Weather 00:14 Meridian Weather 00:15 Criminal 01:50 The Zone 03:50 Swingtown 04:35 ITV Nightscreen 05:30 ITV Morning News 06:00 Mini CITV 07:25 CITV 09:25 May the Best House Win 10:25 House Gift 11:30 This Morning: Sunday 12:30 Dinner Date 13:25 ITV News and Weather 13:29 Meridian Weather 13:30 Live International Football 16:05 Ad of the Year 17:05 Meridian News and Weather 17:20 ITV News and Weather 17:35 Harry Hill’s TV Burp 18:05 Mr Bean’s Holiday 19:40 Dancing on Ice Final 22:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 22:14 Meridian Weather 22:15 Burn after Reading

ITV

00:00 Stand Up for the Week

DANCING ON ICE FINAL The celebrity skating contest reaches its climax as the three remaining stars battle it out in the hope of succeeding last year's winner Hayley Tamaddon. Torvill and Dean open the show with a new dance to Ravel's Bolero, accompanied by violinist David Garrett.

00:50 Dog Soldiers 02:45 Privileged 04:15 Ugly Betty 05:00 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 05:25 Countdown 06:10 The Hoobs 07:00 FIS Freestyle World Ski Championships 07:25 Crunchtime 07:55 Friends 08:45 Hollyoaks 11:15 Friends 11:50 Glee 12:50 The Simpsons 13:55 Four in a Bed 16:30 Deal or No Deal 17:30 Time Team 18:30 Channel 4 News 18:55 4thought.tv 19:00 Come Dine with Me 20:00 Civilization: Is the West History? 21:00 Country House Rescue 22:00 Vera Drake C5 00:45 Forensic Files 01:15 SuperCasino 04:55 Rough Guide To

05:00 Hana’s Helpline 05:10 The Milkshake! Show 05:35 Thomas & Friends 05:45 Roary the Racing Car 05:55 Rough Guide To 06:00 Peppa Pig 06:05 Roary the Racing Car 06:15 Fifi and the Flowertots 06:25 Fireman Sam 06:40 Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends 06:50 The Beeps 07:00 Mio Mao 07:10 Chiro 07:15 Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 07:25 Castle Farm 07:30 Make Way for Noddy 07:45 Igam Ogam 08:00 Little Princess 08:10 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 08:20 Mio Mao 08:30 Family! 08:35 Funky Valley 08:45 Rupert Bear 09:00 Olivia 09:15 The Mr Men Show 09:30 Gerald McBoing Boing 10:00 Rock Symphonies: David Garrett in Concert 10:50 Starlight: For the Children 11:20 Zoo Days 11:50 Cowboy Builders 12:50 The Second Jungle Book: Mowgli and Baloo 14:30 The King and I 16:10 Oliver! 19:05 5 News Weekend 19:10 Joe Kidd 21:00 3:10 to Yuma 23:30 Young Guns

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Monday 28th March 01:15 The Books We Really Read: A Culture Show Special 02:15 Holby City 03:15 Arena: Rolf Harris Paints His Dream 04:45 HARDtalk 05:00 The World Today 05:30 World Business Report 06:00 Breakfast 09:15 A Hundred Years of Us 10:00 Homes Under the Hammer 11:00 Britain’s Empty Homes 11:30 Cash in the Attic 12:15 Bargain Hunt 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:45 Doctors 14:15 32 Brinkburn Street 15:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:05 Deadly 60 15:35 Deadly 60 Bite Size 15:40 Deadly Art 16:00 The Big Performance 16:30 Blue Peter 16:55 Shaun the Sheep 17:00 Newsround 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes 19:00 The One Show 19:30 Bang Goes the Theory 20:00 EastEnders 20:30 The Big Squeeze: Panorama 21:00 Waking the Dead 22:00 BBC News 22:25 Regional News and Weather 22:35 Mrs Brown’s Boys 23:05 Late Kick Off 23:35 Goodbye Charlie Bright BBC2 00:50 01:00 01:30 02:00 02:30 03:00 03:30 04:00 04:30

Click BBC News Reporters BBC News Dateline London BBC News The Record Europe BBC News HARDtalk

04:45 The Super League Show 05:15 Close 06:00 Finley the Fire Engine 06:10 Zigby 06:25 The Large Family 06:40 Little Robots 06:50 Rastamouse 07:00 Barney’s Barrier Reef 07:25 Newsround 07:30 Muddle Earth 07:45 Eliot Kid 08:00 The Sparticle Mystery 08:30 LazyTown 08:55 Numberjackss 09:10 The Koala Brothers 09:25 Big Barn Farm 09:40 Little Human Planet 09:45 Timmy Time 09:55 3rd & Bird 10:05 Postman Pat: SDS 10:20 Pingu 10:25 64 Zoo Lane 10:45 Waybuloo 11:05 In the Night Garden 11:35 Meerkat Manor 12:00 Daily Politics 12:30 GMT with George Alagiah 13:00 Diagnosis Murder 13:45 To Buy or Not to Buy 14:30 Restoration Roadshow 15:00 Flog It! 15:45 Helicopter Heroes 16:30 Pointless 17:15 Escape to the Country 18:00 Eggheads 18:30 Royal Upstairs Downstairs 19:00 Chilean Miners: What Happened Next 20:00 University Challenge

20:30 Raymond Blanc’s Kitchen Secrets 21:00 Neil Morrissey: Care Home Kid 22:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 The Brain: A Secret History ITV 00:05 Premiership Rugby Union 00:50 The Zone 02:00 The Blues Brothers 04:15 ITV Nightscreen 05:30 ITV Morning News 06:00 Daybreak 08:30 Lorraine 09:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30 This Morning 12:30 Loose Women 13:30 ITV News and Weather 13:55 Meridian News and Weather 14:00 60 Minute Makeover 15:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 15:59 Meridian Weather 16:00 Midsomer Murders 17:00 The Chase 18:00 Meridian Tonight 18:30 ITV News and Weather 19:00 Emmerdale 19:30 Coronation Street 20:00 The Dales 20:30 Coronation Street 21:00 Law & Order: UK 22:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 22:30 Meridian Tonight and Weather 22:35 Real Crime: Murder at

THE DALES New series. Actor and comedian Adrian Edmondson returns to his birthplace of Yorkshire to document a summer in the life of the Dales, meeting the people who live there all year round. Sixteen-year-old Phillip Mellin talks about running his family's farm alongside his mother, following the death of his father last year, while vet Neil Roberts is called out to an emergency calving.

Harvey Nicks 23:35 River Monsters

22:00 Heston’s Fairytale Feast 23:10 The Event

00:25 02:15 03:10 04:05 04:50 05:15 06:00 06:10 06:20 07:10 07:40 08:05 08:40 09:10 10:00 10:55 12:00 12:05 12:30 14:05 15:10 15:55 17:00 18:00 18:30 19:00 19:55 20:00 Water 21:00

Mystic Pizza Never Did Me Any Harm The Play’s the Thing Without a Trace Wogan’s Perfect Recall Countdown The Treacle People Max Bear The Hoobs Freshly Squeezed Everybody Loves Raymond Frasier Friends Supernanny USA Brothers & Sisters Relocation, Relocation Channel 4 News Summary Jamie at Home Rope Cookery School Countdown Deal or No Deal Fern The Simpsons Hollyoaks Channel 4 News 4thought.tv Dispatches: BP - In Deep One Born Every Minute

01:20 SuperCasino 04:00 The FBI Files 04:50 Meals in Moments 05:00 Hana’s Helpline 05:10 The Milkshake! Show 05:35 Thomas & Friends 05:45 Roary the Racing Car 06:00 Thomas & Friends 06:10 Roary the Racing Car 06:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 06:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 06:40 Rupert Bear 06:50 Peppa Pig 06:55 Little Princess 07:10 Mio Mao 07:15 The Mr Men Show 07:30 Thomas & Friends 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:10 Castle Farm 08:15 Peppa Pig 08:20 Peppa Pig 08:30 Roary the Racing Car 08:40 Hana’s Helpline 08:50 The WotWots 09:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 09:15 The Wright Stuff 11:05 Brighton Beach Patrol 12:05 The Family Recipe 12:10 5 News Lunchtime 12:20 House 13:15 Home and Away 13:45 Neighbours 14:15 The Vanessa Show 15:05 The Family Recipe 15:15 A Place Called Home 17:00 5 News at 5 17:30 Neighbours 18:00 Home and Away 18:25 OK! TV 19:00 5 News at 7 19:30 How Do They Do It? 20:00 The Gadget Show 21:00 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan 23:20 Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Tuesday 29th March 01:05 Young, Jobless and Living at Home 02:00 Silk 03:00 Music, Money and Hip-Hop Honeys 04:00 Life in a Cottage Garden with Carol Klein 04:30 HARDtalk 05:00 The World Today 05:30 World Business Report 06:00 Breakfast 09:15 A Hundred Years of Us 10:00 Homes Under the Hammer 11:00 Britain’s Empty Homes 11:30 Cash in the Attic 12:15 Bargain Hunt 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:45 Doctors 14:15 32 Brinkburn Street 15:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:05 Deadly 60 15:35 Deadly 60 Bite Size 15:40 Deadly Art 16:00 Dead Gorgeous 16:30 Blue Peter 16:55 Newsround Special 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes 19:00 The One Show 19:30 EastEnders 20:00 Holby City 21:00 Silk 22:00 BBC News 22:25 Regional News and Weather 22:35 See You in Court 23:25 Comic Relief: Famous, Rich and in the Slums BBC2 00:20 An Island Parish 00:50 BBC World News America 01:00 BBC News 01:30 ABC World News with Diane Sawyer 02:00 BBC News 02:30 The Record 03:00 BBC News

03:30 The Bottom Line 04:00 Secondary Schools: GCSE Bitesize - Physical Education 06:00 Finley the Fire Engine 06:10 Zigby 06:25 The Large Family 06:40 Little Robots 06:50 Rastamouse 07:00 Barney’s Barrier Reef 07:25 Newsround 07:30 Muddle Earth 07:45 Eliot Kid 08:00 The Sparticle Mystery 08:30 LazyTown 08:55 Numberjacks 09:10 The Koala Brothers 09:25 Big Barn Farm 09:40 Little Human Planet 09:45 Timmy Time 09:55 3rd & Bird 10:05 Postman Pat: SDS 10:20 Pingu 10:25 64 Zoo Lane 10:45 Waybuloo 11:05 In the Night Garden 11:35 Meerkat Manor 12:00 Daily Politics 12:30 GMT with George Alagiah 13:00 Diagnosis Murder 13:45 To Buy or Not to Buy 14:30 Restoration Roadshow 15:00 Flog It! 15:45 Helicopter Heroes 16:30 Pointless 17:15 Escape to the Country 18:00 Eggheads 18:30 Royal Upstairs Downstairs 19:00 Wonders of the Universe

20:00 The Hairy Bikers: Mums Know Best 21:00 Bible’s Buried Secrets 22:00 Have I Got Old News for You 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 ICC Cricket World Cup Highlights ITV 00:30 The Zone 02:35 UEFA Champions League Weekly 03:05 The Jeremy Kyle Show 04:00 ITV Nightscreen 05:30 ITV Morning News 06:00 Daybreak 08:30 Lorraine 09:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30 This Morning 12:30 Loose Women 13:30 ITV News and Weather 13:55 Meridian News and Weather 14:00 60 Minute Makeover 15:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 15:59 Meridian Weather 16:00 Midsomer Murders 17:00 The Chase 18:00 Meridian Tonight 18:30 ITV News and Weather 19:00 Emmerdale 19:30 Live International Football 22:10 ITV News and Weather 22:40 Meridian Tonight and Weather 22:45 International Football Highlights 23:45 Cops with Cameras

TUTANKHAMUN: THE MYSTERY REVEALED Dr Zahi Hawass and a team of scientists try to unlock the secrets of King Tutankhamun's life and death using DNA tests and the latest technology. They try to find answers to the cause of his death, whether he had any children and what happened to his body after his demise.

00:10 360 Sessions: My Chemical Romance 00:40 European Poker Tour 01:35 Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day 02:30 Royal Deaths and Diseases 03:30 Codex 04:25 The Bible: A History 05:20 Ugly Betty 06:05 Sali Mali 06:10 Max Bear 06:25 The Hoobs 07:15 Freshly Squeezed 07:45 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:05 Frasier 09:05 Supernanny USA 09:55 Brothers & Sisters 10:55 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 12:00 Channel 4 News Summary 12:05 To Catch a Thief 14:05 Cookery School 15:10 Countdown 15:55 Deal or No Deal 17:00 Fern 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:55 4thought.tv 20:00 Supersize vs Superskinny 21:00 Katie: My Beautiful Friends 22:00 Lily Allen: From Riches to Rags 23:05 Pete Versus Life 23:40 School of Comedy

00:55 SuperCasino 04:05 The FBI Files 04:55 Animal Rescue Squad 05:10 Wildlife SOS 05:35 House Doctor 06:00 Thomas & Friends 06:10 Roary the Racing Car 06:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 06:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 06:40 Rupert Bear 06:50 Peppa Pig 06:55 Little Princess 07:10 Mio Mao 07:15 The Mr Men Show 07:30 Thomas & Friends 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:10 Castle Farm 08:15 Peppa Pig 08:25 Milkshake! Show Songs 08:30 Roary the Racing Car 08:40 Hana’s Helpline 08:50 The WotWots 09:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 09:15 The Wright Stuff 11:05 Brighton Beach Patrol 12:00 Meals in Moments 12:10 5 News Lunchtime 12:20 House 13:15 Home and Away 13:45 Neighbours 14:15 The Vanessa Show 15:05 The Family Recipe 15:20 Nightscream 17:00 5 News at 5 17:30 Neighbours 18:00 Home and Away 18:25 OK! TV 19:00 5 News at 7 19:30 Extraordinary Dogs 20:00 Tutankhamun: The Mystery Revealed 21:00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22:00 CSI: Miami 22:55 CSI: NY 23:55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Wednesday 30th March 00:30 See Hear 01:00 Hidden Treasures of Indian Art 02:00 Ready Steady Drink 03:00 Forgotten Heroes: Panorama 04:00 BBC News 04:30 HARDtalk 05:00 The World Today 05:30 World Business Report 06:00 Breakfast 09:15 A Hundred Years of Us 10:00 Homes Under the Hammer 11:00 Britain’s Empty Homes 11:30 Cash in the Attic 12:15 Bargain Hunt 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:45 Doctors 14:15 32 Brinkburn Street 15:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:05 Deadly 60 15:35 Deadly 60 Bite Size 15:40 Deadly Art 16:00 Trade Your Way to the USA 16:30 MI High 17:00 Newsround 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes 19:00 The One Show 19:30 The Boat That Guy Built 20:00 Waterloo Road 21:00 MasterChef 22:00 BBC News 22:25 Regional News and Weather 22:35 The National Lottery Wednesday Night Draws 22:45 Would I Lie to You? 23:15 Comic Relief: Famous, Rich and in the Slums 23:15 National Lottery Update BBC2 00:20 BBC News 00:30 BBC World News America 01:00 BBC News 01:30 ABC World News with Diane Sawyer 02:00 BBC News 02:30 The Record

03:00 BBC News 03:30 On the Road with a Brain Scientist 04:00 Schools: GCSE Bitesize - Art 06:00 Finley the Fire Engine 06:10 Zigby 06:25 The Large Family 06:40 Little Robots 06:50 Rastamouse 07:00 Barney’s Barrier Reef 07:25 Newsround 07:30 Muddle Earth 07:45 Eliot Kid 08:00 The Sparticle Mystery 08:30 LazyTown 08:55 Numberjacks 09:10 The Koala Brothers 09:25 Big Barn Farm 09:40 Little Human Planet 09:45 Timmy Time 09:55 3rd & Bird 10:05 Postman Pat: SDS 10:20 Pingu 10:25 64 Zoo Lane 10:40 Waybuloo 11:00 In the Night Garden 11:30 Daily Politics 13:00 See Hear 13:30 The Hairy Bakers 13:45 To Buy or Not to Buy 14:30 Restoration Roadshow 15:00 Flog It! 15:45 Helicopter Heroes 16:30 Pointless 17:15 Escape to the Country 18:00 Eggheads 18:30 Royal Upstairs Downstairs 19:00 Coast 20:00 Great British Food Revival

21:00 The Truth About Lions 22:00 Mock the Week - Again 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 ICC Cricket World Cup Highlights ITV 00:40 The Zone 02:45 Crossing Jordan 03:30 ITV Nightscreen 05:30 ITV Morning News 06:00 Daybreak 08:30 Lorraine 09:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30 This Morning 12:30 Loose Women 13:30 ITV News and Weather 13:55 Meridian News and Weather 14:00 60 Minute Makeover 15:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 15:59 Meridian Weather 16:00 Midsomer Murders 17:00 The Chase 18:00 Meridian Tonight 18:30 ITV News and Weather 19:00 Emmerdale 19:30 The Unforgettable Diana Dors 20:00 Midsomer Murders 22:30 Meridian Tonight and Weather 22:35 Bird on a Wire C4 00:10 UK & Ireland Poker Tour 01:15 FIM Superbike World Championship

SUPERSCRIMPERS

New series. Financial advice programme, presented by newspaper columnist Mrs Moneypenny and Merryn Somerset Webb, editor-in-chief of MoneyWeek. Mrs Moneypenny spends time with a family each week and gives them guidance on how they can stick to a budget.

01:40 The Grid 02:05 FIS Freestyle World Ski Championships 02:35 KOTV Boxing Weekly 03:00 Sailing 03:25 IAAF World Cross Country Championships 04:20 Freesports on 4 04:45 Crunchtime 05:10 Brief Encounters of the Sporting Mind: Gymnastics 05:15 Full Metal Challenge 06:10 Sali Mali 06:15 Max Bear 06:30 The Hoobs 07:20 Freshly Squeezed 07:45 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:10 Frasier 08:40 Friends 09:10 Supernanny USA 10:00 Brothers & Sisters 10:55 Country House Rescue 12:00 Channel 4 News Summary 12:05 River Cottage Bites 12:15 The Thirty-Nine Steps 14:05 Cookery School 15:10 Countdown 15:55 Deal or No Deal 17:00 Fern 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:55 4thought.tv 20:00 Vacation, Vacation, Vacation 20:30 Superscrimpers: Waste Not Want Not 21:00 Jamie’s Dream School 22:00 The Model Agency 23:05 Lily Allen: From Riches to

Rags C5 00:50 SuperCasino 04:05 The FBI Files 04:55 Animal Rescue Squad 05:10 Wildlife SOS 05:35 House Doctor 06:00 Thomas & Friends 06:10 Roary the Racing Car 06:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 06:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 06:40 Rupert Bear 06:50 Peppa Pig 06:55 Little Princess 07:10 Mio Mao 07:15 The Mr Men Show 07:30 Thomas & Friends 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:10 Castle Farm 08:15 Peppa Pig 08:25 Milkshake! Show Songs 08:30 Roary the Racing Car 08:40 Hana’s Helpline 08:50 The WotWots 09:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 09:15 The Wright Stuff 11:05 Brighton Beach Patrol 12:00 Meals in Moments 12:10 5 News Lunchtime 12:20 House 13:15 Home and Away 13:45 Neighbours 14:15 The Vanessa Show 15:05 Rough Guide to Cities 15:20 Prairie Fever 17:00 5 News at 5 17:30 Neighbours 18:00 Home and Away 18:25 OK! TV 19:00 5 News at 7 19:30 Starlight: For the Children 20:00 Emergency Bikers 21:00 NCIS 22:00 Law & Order: Criminal Intent 23:00 Law & Order: Special Victims Unit 23:55 Poker

Friday, 25th March, 2011

Thursday 31st March 00:15 Frozen 01:45 Country Tracks 02:40 Who Gets the Best Jobs? 03:40 The Big Fat Truth About Low Fat Foods 04:40 The Big Squeeze: Panorama 05:00 The World Today 05:30 World Business Report 06:00 Breakfast 09:15 A Hundred Years of Us 10:00 Homes Under the Hammer 11:00 Britain’s Empty Homes 11:30 Cash in the Attic 12:15 Bargain Hunt 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:45 Doctors 14:15 32 Brinkburn Street 15:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:05 Deadly 60 15:35 Deadly 60 Bite Size 15:40 Deadly Art 15:55 Shaun the Sheep 16:00 Prank Patrol 16:30 Animals at Work 17:00 Newsround 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes 19:00 The One Show 19:30 EastEnders 20:00 DIY SOS: The Big Build Brynmawr 21:00 Crimewatch 22:00 BBC News 22:25 Regional News and Weather 22:35 Crimewatch Update 22:45 Question Time 23:45 This Week BBC2 00:20 BBC News 00:30 BBC World News America 01:00 BBC News 01:30 ABC World News with Diane Sawyer 02:00 BBC News

02:30 03:00 03:30 04:00 06:00 06:10 06:20 06:40 06:50 07:00 07:25 07:30 07:45 08:00 08:30 08:55 09:10 09:25 09:40 09:45 09:55 10:05 10:20 10:25 10:45 11:05 11:35 12:00 12:30 13:00 13:45 14:30 15:00 15:45 16:30 17:15 18:00 18:30

The Record BBC News Click GCSE Bitesize Finley the Fire Engine Zigby The Pingu Show Little Robots Rastamouse Barney’s Barrier Reef Newsround Muddle Earth Eliot Kid The Sparticle Mystery LazyTown Numberjacks The Koala Brothers Big Barn Farm Little Human Planet Timmy Time 3rd & Bird Postman Pat Pingu 64 Zoo Lane Waybuloo In the Night Garden Meerkat Manor Daily Politics GMT with George Alagiah Diagnosis Murder To Buy or Not to Buy Restoration Roadshow Flog It! Helicopter Heroes Pointless Escape to the Country Eggheads Royal Upstairs Downstairs

19:00 David Attenborough’s First Life 20:00 Great British Food Revival 21:00 Neil Morrissey: Care Home Kid 22:00 Rhod Gilbert’s Work Experience 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 The Joy of Stats ITV 00:40 The Zone 02:40 Blues Brothers 2000 04:45 ITV Nightscreen 05:30 ITV Morning News 06:00 Daybreak 08:30 Lorraine 09:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30 This Morning 12:30 Loose Women 13:30 ITV News and Weather 13:55 Meridian News and Weather 14:00 60 Minute Makeover 15:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 15:59 Meridian Weather 16:00 Midsomer Murders 17:00 The Chase 18:00 Meridian Tonight 18:30 ITV News and Weather 19:00 Emmerdale 19:30 Charities in Crisis: Tonight 20:00 Emmerdale 20:30 Coronation Street 21:00 Monroe 22:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 22:30 Meridian Tonight and

THREE IN A BED

New series. Guest houses compete for the title of best B&B. A house-proud host is left reeling following a complaint at Stoberry House in Somerset, while spilt wine and fussy breakfast orders prove too much for the owner of Frome Dale in Dorset. At the final establishment, two rock 'n' roll enthusiasts try to cheer up the group at the retrothemed Blue Pigeons in Kent.

Weather 22:35 Benidorm 23:35 The Last Word C4 00:10 The Big C 00:45 The Album Chart Show Spotlight 01:00 Russian Standard Vodka Originals Presents 01:15 On Track 01:45 The Frontier House 02:40 The Battle of Hood and Bismarck 04:05 The River’s Edge 05:30 Countdown 06:15 The Treacle People 06:25 Max Bear 06:40 The Hoobs 07:05 Freshly Squeezed 07:35 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:05 Frasier 08:35 Friends 09:05 Supernanny USA 09:55 Brothers & Sisters 10:55 The Restoration Man 12:00 Channel 4 News Summary 12:05 River Cottage Bites 12:15 The Lady Vanishes 14:05 Cookery School 15:10 Countdown 15:55 Deal or No Deal 17:00 Fern 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:55 4thought.tv

20:00 21:00 22:00 23:05 23:35

Three in a Bed Love Thy Neighbour 10 O’Clock Live Friday Night Dinner The Ricky Gervais Show

C5 01:00 SuperCasino 04:05 The FBI Files 04:55 Animal Rescue Squad 05:10 Wildlife SOS 05:35 House Doctor 06:00 Thomas & Friends 06:10 Roary the Racing Car 06:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 06:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 06:40 Rupert Bear 06:50 Peppa Pig 06:55 Little Princess 07:10 Mio Mao 07:15 The Mr Men Show 07:30 Thomas & Friends 07:45 Make Way for Noddy 08:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08:15 Peppa Pig 08:25 The Milky and Shake Show 08:30 Roary the Racing Car 08:40 Hana’s Helpline 08:50 The WotWots 09:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 09:15 The Wright Stuff 11:05 Brighton Beach Patrol 12:05 The Family Recipe 12:10 5 News Lunchtime 12:20 House 13:15 Home and Away 13:45 Neighbours 14:15 The Vanessa Show 15:00 Meals in Moments 15:15 Relative Stranger 17:00 5 News at 5 17:30 Neighbours 18:00 Home and Away 18:25 OK! TV 19:00 5 News at 7 19:30 How Do They Do It? 20:00 The Blasters 21:00 Exit Wounds 23:10 CCTV Cities

Friday, 25th March, 2011

SPORT ON THE BOX All the top sport on TV in your Good News ‘paper

Friday 25th March INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL 21:00 Serbia v Northern Ireland Euro 2012 Qualifying Sky Sports 1 (21:00-23:00)

Wales v England 1971

Saturday 26th March 16:00 Wales v England Euro 2012 Qualifying Sky Sports 1 (16:00-18:00) 21:30 Republic Of Ireland v Macedonia Euro 2012 Qualifying Sky Sports 1 (21:15-23:30) Sunday 27th March GOLF 15:00 Day 4 Open de Andalucia Sky Sports 3 (15:00-19:00) 20:15 Day 4 Arnold Palmer Invitational Sky Sports 1 (20:15-00:00) Sunday 27th March RUGBY 15:45 Northampton v Wasps Aviva Premiership Sky Sports 1 (15:30-17:30)

LONG BALLS

All the action from the Premier & La Liga By Malcolm Palmer A spirited fightback by holders Inter sank the Bayern battleship, and Fergie’s aging squad, bolstered now by the youthful Mexican Javier Hernandez, kept Marseilles at bay. Real Madrid disposed comfortably of their once-bogey team Olympique Lyons, with Karim Benzema starting to look the biz. Chelsea held on to their first-leg lead against Copenhagen, and now face the prospect of a scrap with Man U. Spurs may give Real Madrid something to think about, and Shakhtar probably won’t prove easy meat for Barcelona, but Inter should remove Schalke from the competition. In any case, there’ll be some good games to watch. Villareal meantime progressed in the Europa League, at the expense of the ‘Aspirinas,’ Bayer Leverkusen. When the Premier League got under way on Saturday, West Ham did themselves a favour by forcing a draw at White Hart Lane – ought to give Real Madrid a bit of encouragement! – then Arsenal looked to be having another ‘bad day at the office’ and were going down to West Brom, until a Meite own goal brought them level. But Man U took a massive step towards the league title when sub Berbatov popped up with a late goal when they were down to ten men against Bolton, for whom Matt Taylor had just missed a sitter. It’s looking awful crowded at the bot-

tom, and no side in the bottom half of the league is remotely safe from relegation. Stoke were the day’s hotshots, putting four in against Newcastle. Wigan snatched a late win against Birmingham, whilst, in the Championship, Queen’s Park Rangers preserved their nine point advantage with a narrow win at Doncaster. Sunday’s action saw Chelsea, for whom Ancelotti declares he hasn’t yet given up title chances, win over Manchester City, while Liverpool’s new goal machine of Luis Suarez and Dirk Kuyt saw off Sunderland. Here in Spain, Barcelona squeezed past a spirited Getafe in the Nou Camp, 2-1, whilst Real Madrid achieved a similar result away to local rivals Atletico, Benzema again getting on the score sheet, and Iker Casillas saving the day more than once. Villareal kept up their quest for third spot, whilst, at the bottom, Málaga raised themselves from last place at the expense of hapless Hercules. Not exactly news, but Rangers secured the Scottish Cup for an ‘overjoyed’ Walter Smith, when they beat…………Celtic. (who else?) The way of the world is that money moves all the leagues in this sort of direction: no league in Europe has more than four or five serious contenders, and many have only two. What to do about it? Search me, guv!

Friday, 25th March, 2011

SPORTS ROUND-UP With Mick Hardy from Kidease SPORT THIS WEEK

Rugby Union The final weekend of this year’s Six Nations and we were left with what might have been as England traveled to Ireland and that’s about all they did. England were outplayed by Ireland in Dublin right from the first kick, prompting questions about how much progress they have really made. But World Cup winner Johnson said: "I think we are in a pretty good place. A lot of our guys are playing a full season of international rugby for the first time and winning the championship is a heck of an achievement," the manager insisted. Scotland just avoided the wooden spoon by beating Italy at Murrayfield after the Italians led at half time. France bounced back after the defeat in Italy last week to beat Wales in Paris 28-9. So to sum this season up England’s young side look like they will be getting better when the world cup comes around later this year. Scotland still have some way to go and Wales should improve, Ireland, as they showed against England, took a long time to start in this six nations and France you never know which side of them is going to show up on the day, world beaters or as you saw losing to Italy. RBS Six Nations Final Table

England France Ireland Wales Scotland Italy

P 5 5 5 5 5 5

W 4 3 3 3 1 1

D 0 0 0 0 0 0

L 1 2 2 2 4 4

F 132 117 93 95 82 70

A 81 91 81 89 109 138

PTS 8 6 6 6 2 2

Cricket World Cup 2011 So we have made the Quarter Finals thanks to the help of the other teams. But now it’s game on for the World Cup and now everyone is saying we have a good chance but first we have the small task of playing Sri Lanka in Colombo on Saturday 26th March 10.00am Start. There will be some great matches to be played this week as the top eight nations clash for the trophy Quarter Finals 25th Match South Africa Vs New Zealand 26th March Sri Lanka Vs England Semi Finals are the 29th and 30th. To follow all the action and keep up to date log on to the following web site. http://cricket.yahoo.com/

Moto GP Casey Stoner marked his factory Honda debut with an outstanding victory at the Losail International Circuit in Qatar on Sunday. His 24th MotoGP victory never looked in serious doubt once he went by team mate Dani Pedrosa on lap 12. He eventually won by 3.440 second to claim a fourth win in five years in the Doha night race, this is now the traditional season opener on the 18-round MotoGP schedule. Valentino Rossi did not start so well for his new team Ducati finishing back in seventh place Rossi made a lightning start from ninth to take second at the first corner but immediately ran wide under braking. Then stayed in sixth until Ben Spies pushed him back a place. British rider Carl Crutchlow making his first start in Moto GP finished in a creditable 11th places. MotoGP Round 1, Losail: 1 Casey Stoner (Aus) Honda 2 Jorge Lorenzo (Spa) Yamaha 3 Dani Pedrosa (Spa) Honda 4 Andrea Dovizioso (Ita) Honda 5 Marco Simoncelli (Ita) Honda Next Round April 3rd Jerez Spain

EURO 2012 QUALIFIERS Friday, March 25 2011 20.30 Austria - Belgium 20.30 Hungary - Netherlands 20.30 Serbia - Northern Ireland 20.45 Slovenia - Italy 21.00 Luxembourg - France 21.00 Spain - Czech Republic

Formula 1 The delayed season gets under way this weekend with the Australian GP from Albert’s Park Melbourne 07.00am on BBC. So we all await to see who will come out flying from the off. Who has been talking their hopes up we shall all now find out.

Cycling Australian Matt Goss won last weekend Milan-San Remo race which at 181miles is the longest day race on the calendar for these boys. The HTC-Highroad rider, a team-mate of Mark Cavendish, proved too strong for the 2008 winner Fabian Cancellara and Philippe Gilbert. Cavendish and Britons Geraint Thomas and Bradley Wiggins finished over five minutes behind Goss. The Milan-San Remo is the first Spring Classic of the season, with six more races taking place over March and April in Belgium, France and Netherlands, culminating in the Liege-Bastogne-Liege event on 24 April

Golf Transitions Championship Palm Harbour in Florida This event was won by American Gary Woodland after third round leader Justin Rose endured a nightmare last round 74 to finished tied fifth. It was a first PGA Tour title for Woodland who only managed one par on the back nine at 18 after five birdies and three bogeys. He missed most of the 2010 campaign after suffering a shoulder injury in late 2009 and lost a Bob Hope Classic play-off earlier this season. This week the tour moves on to the Arnold Palmer Invitational, Bay Hill Club & Lodge, Orlando, Florida, United States Men’s European Tour The Sicilian Open was won by France's Raphael Jacquelin who clinched his first European Tour title in four years with a one-shot victory over England's Anthony Wall in the Sicilian Open. Bad weather curtailed Sunday's final round, with Jacquelin leading by one with six holes to play on Monday. This week we have the tour on Spanish greens for the Open de Andalucia de Golf, Parador de Malaga Golf, Malaga, Spain Ladies Tour LPGA Founders Cup in Phoenix was won by Karrie Webb 12 under in a thrilling finish with Paula Creamer and Brittany Linicome to come out on top by one shot. With Cristie Kerr back in fourth. European Ladies tour Starts in Europe on the 31st March in Morocco Regards, Mick

Saturday, March 26 2011 16.00 Armenia - Russia 16.00 Wales - England 17.45 Bulgaria - Switzerland 18.00 Georgia - Croatia 18.00 Cyprus - Iceland 18.05 Israel - Latvia 18.16 Bosnia-Herzegovina - Romania 20.00 Albania - Belarus 20.00 Andorra - Slovakia 20.00 Germany - Kazakhstan 20.00 Norway - Denmark 20.30 Malta - Greece 20.45 Republic of Ireland - Macedonia Tuesday, March 29 2011 17.30 Czech Republic - Liechtenstein 18.05 Israel - Georgia 18.00 Sweden - Moldova 18.30 Turkey - Austria 18.45 Romania - Luxembourg 20.30 Estonia - Serbia 20.30 Netherlands - Hungary 20.45 Belgium - Azerbaijan 20.45 Lithuania - Spain 20.45 Northern Ireland - Slovenia

LOCAL FOOTBALL SHEFFIELD MAKE DAYA OF IT Sheffield United 0 - Daya Nueva 3 Alevins under 12s Match Report, Daya Dave After dropping points at home to Catral last Thursday evening Daya needed to get back to winning ways this Thursday evening. It was a good first half in which both sides played well but Daya held a slender 1 - 0 lead. The second half started well for Sheffield. From the kick-off they won a corner from which they should have done much better. For the record, the Sheffield coach said Daya was the best team they had played this year. Team sponsor Segurlab. And on Sunday…

DAYA AT A CANTER Daya Nueva 10 - Ritrinsa Crevillente 0 Alevins under 12s

INFANTILS FRIENDLY Orihuela Costa F.C. 2

V's

Sheffield United C.F. 2

Sponsored by : Morgans Bar & Amber Pools. For more information on Orihuela Costa F.C. contact Club Secretary George Marshall on: 679 77 44 88 or www.orihuelacostafc.com

Friday, 25th March, 2011

SMASH & GRAB SANCHEZ By Dan Smith It must be safe to say that Elche boss José Bordalas would have blown a huge sigh of relief when referee Piñero Crespo brought to a close last Saturday evenings away game against bottom club Ponferradina. In his habitual press conference two days prior to the game, he could not overstate enough the difficulties his team would encounter against the struggling opponents. Geographically, not one of the best away fixtures, a twelve hour coach trip to the country’s most Northerly club, their stadium, more suited to the English conference league holding only eight thousand, the small pitch dimensions at their limit and the usual capacity crowd are partisan without exception. Home team boss (exElche) Claudio and his successor Bordalas came together just prior to kick off for the habitual managerial greeting but few words where said but the hand shake appeared cordial. Elche from the start took the game to the home side, winger Palanca coming close hitting the post and narrowly missing on two other occasions but it wasn't too long before referee

Elche leave it late but take all three points

Ponferradina 0 v 1 Elche Crespo, known for favouring home sides, (cards issued -74% to visitors compared to 45% to the home side) changed the pace of the game by dealing 3 yellows in 5 minutes to Elche´s Mantecon, Mateo and Hector Verdes. Ponferradina forward Gaizker Saizar created several problems for the Elche defence and if not for the brilliant goalkeeping of Jaime the home team could have gone into the break a goal to the good.

Single minded from the re start, Elche looked for the opener but a determined home side with relegation staring them in the face fought hard, veteran forward De Paula had two clear opportunities, one hitting the post, as did his team mate Abraham, bringing again the best out of the Elche keeper Jaime. On sixty five minutes boss Bordalas, tried once again to turn the game around, bringing on David Sanchez for the tiring

Palanca, a substitution Bordalas seems unable to resist. As time passed it was Elche who were looking to consolidate and return south with just a point, but it was Sanchez who, in the ninety second minute rescued things for the visitors with a corker of a shot from outside the box, the ball sliding between the diving fingers for keeper Alejandro and the post. Whether luck or good judgement the replace-

BOQUERON GETS THE BOOT

Esteban ‘El Boqueron’ Vigo, to nobody’s surprise, learned that he was no longer required soon after the final whistle. A Club statement, appreciating his efforts in taking the side into the first division, was issued. Training was suspended for the next day, as the directors try to decide what to do next. Rather them than me!

On yer bus Vigo leaves Hercules ground on Sunday

ment of Palanca for Sanchez bore fruit for the third week in a row, on each occasion earning three points. This Sunday, Elche are at home to another struggling side, Tenerife and with four consecutive defeats they could prove quite a test for the home side. Firmly in the play zone Elche will need to take something from this game. Kick-off is 17hrs and will be well worth a visit. The Spanish football

Continued from back page. Poor defending was to blame, and a corner followed, which Calatayud managed somehow to keep out. The band started playing, but a more appropriate anthem for terrible Hercules would have been the Funeral March. The home side had no apparent plan, and were saved a second reverse when the referee adjudged Puñal to have dived, and showed him a yellow card, when his colleagues all claimed a penalty. Drenthe at last got clear after 24 minutes, but ran the ball narrowly out of play before crossing for Kiko to turn the ball into an empty net. Portillo had a typically weak effort soon afterwards. On 34 minutes, an Osasuna free kick was palmed out by Cala, but into the path of the diminutive full back, Nelson, who scored a simple goal – 0-2. Drenthe tried a long-range shot soon afterwards, and then Valdez saw a yellow card, just like his opposite number, Puñal, for a theatrical dive in the area. Half-time came, and the Navarran side were deservedly in front. Valdez at last got into the act, heading powerfully from Juanra’s cross, but veteran keeper Ricardo made a good diving save.

federation, to add some spice to proceedings and perhaps extra revenue, changed the promotion system for the 2nd division this season, with the top two teams gaining automatic promotion to La Liga. The teams placed 3rd 4th 5th and 6th respectively will now enter a play off for the remaining spot. Two teams unable to compete in the playoff are Villarreal and Barcelona B as they are already represented.

Kiko saw a yellow card after 55 minutes, after which Cristian was brought on for Pulhac, in an effort to bolster the home midfield – and it needed it! With half an hour to go, a curling free kick undid the Hercules defence, and Hungarian forward Vadocz glanced it into the net, unopposed. 0-3. Farinós’ shot almost hit the corner flag just after that, which just about says it. A cross from the left enabled Sola – appropriately enough all alone – to flick it into the net with his heel – 0-4, and still twenty minutes left, during which Osasuna were content to push the ball around. When Hercules managed to mount an attack, their passing was awful. Drenthe started to get the ‘bird’ from the crowd, but he was by no means the only offender in a dismal team display. The Dutchman did manage a decent shot, but Osasuna went much closer with five minutes left – it was a matter of waiting for the final whistle, and listening to the crowd baying for Esteban Vigo’s head. He would have needed to bring on Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi to make a difference, and insisted afterwards that he was not about to resign. We should have to see if the club had other ideas. In any case, it is hard to see how they can recover from this setback, and avoid relegation.

Friday, 25th March, 2011

ROYSTON’S

ROTTEN

RETURN

Photo: Mark Welton

Hércules 0 - Osasuna 4 By Malcolm Palmer

Royston Drenthe’s return from injury, illness, and whatever else has kept him side-lined since Christmas, was welcomed by the Hercules fans, a sparse 14,000 or so of whom came to the Rico Perez on a pleasant, sunny afternoon. A minute’s silence was

observed in respect for the suffering endured by the Japanese. Hercules, without Trezeguet, started with Portillo up front, backed up by Valdez and Abel Aguilar, and the play was scrappy at first, with a lot of throw-ins and not much to shout about, until a

sudden and impressive break by Osasuna saw the ball flash around the goalmouth, for Camuñas to poke it home from close range, after ten minutes – 0-1.

Continued on p47

COURIER Number 1 for SPORT!)