A London bond trader parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!’ After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’ ‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.’ The banker looks down in horror. ‘BLEEDING HELL!’ he screams........’Where’s my Rolex????....
A SPANISH Teacher was ex-
plaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('elcomputador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. (again)
Europe English The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, ‘What a great chest you have!‛ He tells her, ‘That‛s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.‛ He takes off his pants and the blonde says, ‘What massive calves you have!‛ The body builder tells her, ‘That‛s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.‛ He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran Out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
20 Zens...part two 6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Te a c h h i m h o w t o f i s h , and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life 1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you. 4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It’s very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
RETIREMENT BONUS
So what have we learnt in 2,055 years ? “The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arro arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be cur curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, in instead of living on public assistance.” - Cicero - 55 BC ... Evidently nothing
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’ He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’ So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, ‘That was incredible!’ He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’ So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’ ‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000... The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to my testicles.’ It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop ‘em,’ which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your testicles?’ The Old Chief calmly replied, ‘ The Falkland Islands’
JD QUIZ You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: if you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second place! Try to do better next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, ok? Second question: if you overtake the last person, then you are....? Answer: if you answered that you are second to last, and then you are..... Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person?? You’re not very good at this, are you? Third question: v ery tricky arithmetic! Note: this must be done in your head only. Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator..try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? The correct answer..... Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100... If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you’ll get the last question right.... Maybe... Fourth question: Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? 2. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn’t. Her name is Mary! Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round, i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a Pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants? It’s really very simple he opens his mouth and asks for it... Does your employer actually pay you to think?? If so do not let them see your answers for this test!
The population of this country is approximately 60 million. 32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work.. There are 17 million in school or at Universities. Which leaves 11 million to do the work. Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government. Leaving 3 million to do the work. 1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan . Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work. Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work. At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit. Leaving 512,000 to do the work. Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your arse, reading jokes. Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?’ Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’ ‘What does that mean?’ asked the child. ‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’ The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.’ He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’ The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’ The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’
STORMIN’ NORM’ In a recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said : “I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting”
re o m
Tales from the campo...
For the jokers...by the jokers
Light travels more quickly than sound, which is why some people appear to be bright until you finally hear them speak. An optimist is an individual who falls off the top of the Empire State Building and says, after fifty floors, “So far, so good!�
Interesting Ads and Signs. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why...
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Stock up and save. Limit: one
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is allpowerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.
'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.'
See ladies blouses. 50% Off! Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops! Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Tales from the seaside... Deep Heat
A guy on holiday walks into the local pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... you know...keep me hard.” The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardsboard box marked with a label ‘Viagra Extra Strength’ and says, “Here, if you eat this, you could pole vault around town for the next 12 hours” The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.” The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, “Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat.” The pharmacist replies, “You’re not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?” The man says, “No, it’s for myarms, the girls didn’t show up.”
Breast Day
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the desk clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does so, he nudged his elbow into her breast. They are both quite startled, so the man turns to her and says, "Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me." She replies, "Sir, if your d**K is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436."
TORREVIEJA
Two old ladies from Torrevieja were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?” The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.” “A condom? Where do you get those?” The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived in Gran Alacant, the old lady with all the questions went into the chemist and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?” “One that would fit a Camel.” Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca. One looked at the other and asked, ‘Are you brown from the sun?’ ‘No,’ replied the other, ‘I’m Smith from The Times.’
Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. 'Cor,' said one, 'look at your feet. They ain't half dirty.' 'Well, we didn't have no 'oliday last year.' There are always fortune-tellers at the seaside. Two of them met on the front at Frinton one sunny summer day. 'Lovely weather,' said the first fortune-teller. 'Yes,' said the second. 'It reminds me of the summer of 2010.' An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear. The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out. After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well....it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...". The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee....I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".
wo seagulls were flying over the beach at a seaside resort one boiling hot August Bank Holiday afternoon. Every way they looked, there were so many people there wasn't a speck of sand to be seen. 'Ah,' said one to the other contemptuously, 'takes all the skill out of it, doesn't it?'
Before Viagra
One day, little Johnny is walking home from school in La Marina. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the front step without any pants on! So he goes up to his grandpa and says “Grandpa, do you realize that you’re not wearing any pants?” His grandpa replies “Yes Jimmy, I do.” Jimmy then says “Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?” His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds “Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma’s idea.”
“Experts have warned that it could take years of work by experienced professionals to clean up after the volcano. That’s why Mum’s gone to Iceland.”
Fun-Fun ny how some one here Blow their top over nothing. I woke up this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change there then, I’ve been marmarried to the bone idle slob for 20 years.
Q:What’s the difference between the Iceland Volcano and Cheryl Cole? A: The Volcano is still blowing Ash.
FA cup final prediction Ash-ley Coal scores the winner against Pompeii..
the It was of the h last wis conomy dic e Icelan s be s ashe that it er v o d sprea . e Europ
I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Appa rently they are accu sing them of harb ouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.
The n an Unio Europe ked for as actually eir alphaut th b , h s a de c sn’t inclu bet doe er C. the lett
Fir Icela st bank nd goes r upt, t sets itself hen it o That ’s an n fire. insu ance scam r!
The Gerine Luffman airl s id it plan thansa sa ghts. e some fli to resum there are so ly Apparent France mans in many Ger w that the right no t vernmen French go red surrende
Sky News: rvices Emergency se could ey th id ra af were torrent a by be swamped lieve be I ” e. ic of melted rm te is the technical ”. “water Your mum’s so she fat when ted a m re c t go ban to d a they h from s e n la p ll a r flying ove europe.
Welcome to Iceland. We’re currently doing a bit of construction – please pardon the dust.
tuUnfor nks tha , ly e t na ods, er Wo be to Tig n a c gin no vir o throw t d n fou lanhe Ice into t lcano o v ic d
“The volcanic ash from Iceland disrupted air travel all over Europe. Everything’s grounded. Commercial flights. Private jets. The only thing still flying — Toyotas.”
It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes were spread all over Europe.
There’s no volcano in Iceland. Chuck Norris is just having a barbecue.
Q: What the a did ir say to plane the v olca A: Sh no? ut up ash-h , you ole
BBC News “Europe faces prolonged air chaos”… Ermmm, how can there be air chaos when we are all stuck on the ground.
I think it’s too soon to make jokes about the Icelandic volcano… we should at least wait until the dust settles
An eruption in Katla (the volcano next to Eyjafjallajökull) will be a lot harder on everyone, except on those who have to pronounce it.
The agains odds a bom t there bein b on a g a milli plane o two bo n to one. A are gainst mbs, th million e odds m a time y illion to one re a ou fly, . take a Next and cu bomb t the o Benny dds. — Hill
PUZZLES ‘No, no Iceland , no send us . We said all your cash’
Eyjaffjallajö – nam kull e the pe d when rs about on writing it fell on the asleep ir keyboard .
Icelandic Volc thoug ano? I ht th e was comin dust g fro Man m Cit phy c y’s troabine t!
Solitions
from page 19
Easy Soduku
Hard Soduku
Wordoku
Volcan in Icela o nd… What n Earthq ext uake Asda? in Crossword 1
On one particular flight the pilot had hammered his plane into the Alicante runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying Difficult Jet airline.” In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am, what is it?” Did we land or were we shot down?”
Crossword 2
or the jokers...by the jokers
Tales from the campo... Light travels more quickly than sound, which is why some people appear to be bright until you finally hear them speak.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? OMG! Who wants to know!? Who's asking questions!?
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and another two change it right back again. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb must REALLY want to change. How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? One. All it takes is one to get under your feet and cause you to trip as you're changing it.
What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine
With the same old new jokes we’re th carrying on the Campo tradition wi inlots of fun...all tucked rather neatly side The Jungle Drums...
Come on in...and ’ave a laugh! An optimist is an individual who falls off the top of the Empire State Building and says, after fifty floors, “So far, so good!” The word “politics” is made up of “poli”, which is Latin for “many”, and “tics”, as in “bloodsucking insects.” Isn't Disneyland a trap for people run by a mouse? If everything seems to be going well in life, you’re probably
Have you heard about the new “Divorce Barbie”? It comes complete with all of Ken's stuff.
overlooking something.
oooooaaaar
Why is that whenever something is transported by car, it's called a “shipment”, but when something is transported by ship, it's called “cargo”? A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder. A mans car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story."Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied."Oh! I wouldnt listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesnt know a thing about cars."
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."...... The farmer said, "That's once."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
MEN ARE LIKE
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God answered: "So you would love her." "But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God replied: "So she would love a wanker like you."
WELL HUNG
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why. ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. ... Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say. ... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. ... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it. ... Curling Irons. They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair. ... Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature. ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small. ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men. ……All of the men started clapping. Top 10 things men know about women: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10
One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "The good news," replied Adam. "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain." "OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?" "I only gave you enough blood to oper ate one at time. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: They already have boyfriends A. What's the difference between a hedgehog and a fancy sports car? Q. The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.
Priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right... get up and get your own blanket.
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be 3,500 euros for small one, 6,500 euros for medium, and 14,000 euros for large. The man was sure he wanted a large,but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather have a new kitchen."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Did you hear the one about the baby that was born in New York? It was half male and half female. It ws born with a penis and a brain.
What's the dif difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A: It changes their blood type.
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE TO BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! While walking down the street one day a “Member of Parliament” is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter.. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’ ‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man. ‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’ ‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’ So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’ The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’ So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’ The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning... ... Today you voted.’
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “how do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “a normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup”(stupid!). “No” he said. “a normal person would pull the plug - do you want a bed near the window?”
Perfect Brian
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels She asked ‘’What’s on TV?’’ I said ‘’dust.’’ And then the fight started. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘’I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’’ I bought her a set of bathroom scales. And then the fight started. After retiring I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I told the woman that I was sorry but I would have to go home to fetch it. She said, ‘’ Unbutton your shirt’’. So I opened my shirt revealing my silvery chest of hair. She said, ‘’ That’s proof enough for me’’, and processed my application. When I got home I told my wife what had happened, then she said, ‘’ You should have dropped your pants, you might have got disability too’’. And then the fight started. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat at a nearby table My wife asked, ‘’Do you know her?’’. I said ‘’Yes, she’s my old girl friend. I heard she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and hasn’t been sober since’’. ‘’My God!’’, said my wife, ‘’Who would have thought a person could go on celebrating that long?’’. And then the fight started. I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know sometimes you just get so stressed and little things seem funny. Yeah well I couldn’t believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, ‘’I AM NOT HAPPY!’’. So I looked down on him and said, ‘’Well which one are you then?’’ And then the fight started. My wife and I were watching ‘’Who wants to be a millionaire’’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘’Do you want to have sex?’’. ‘’No ‘’, she answered. I then said ‘’Is that your final answer?’’. She didn’t even look at me this time simply saying, ‘’Yes’’. So I said, ‘’ Then I’d like to phone a friend.’’ And then the fight started.
Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them.
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Marriage Humor Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ Husband: Nothing. Wife: ‘Nothing...? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’ Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like “Brian! Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Brian Perfect. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time.”
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Cabbie: “Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Girl: ‘We ll that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right.”
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap..’ A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’ A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’ Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’. The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. The wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’.
Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Perfect.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his bloody “widow”
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
Tales from the campo...
Ugliest Kid Ever
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a policman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the policeman , reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this Little Johnny goes to school, and tissue, and here's a banana the teacher says, 'Today we are for the chimp
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
The Neighbour's Kid An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of roll in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by going home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says, "It's a pussy willow." Old man says, "Wait up!.... I'll get my hat."
A little boy runs into his house and asks, ?Mum, can little girs have babies?? The mum answers, ?No, of course not.? The little boy runs outside, yelling, ?It's ok, we can play the game again!?
A country doctor went way out to Pinoso to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby." Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
TALKING TRIPLETS
There were three babies in a woman’s womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said “I wanna be a plumber.” The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, “So I can fix the pipes in here, it’s kinda leaky.” The second one said “I wanna be an electrician.” The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, “so I can get some lights in here, its dark!” The third one said, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, “Why in God’s name do you want to be a boxer?”
He replied, “So,” he said proudly, “I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us
la marina beach A mother and father took their 6 year old son to the nudist’s beach at La Marina As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the sea but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
re o m
Tales from the campo...
For the jokers...by the jokers
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens!’
Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove. Why do they call it PMT? Cause mad cow disease was already taken.
Why did the woman cross the road? It doesnt matter, why was she out of the kitchen in the first place
Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them.
THE WOMAN POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who’s not a creep. One who’s handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who’ll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he’s rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won’t be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh, send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it’s not quite as good as his mother’s then adopt a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...then adopt a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ...then adopt a dog. If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ..then adopt a dog ! If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ... ..then adopt a dog. BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .., ....then adopt a cat! Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn’t you? Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnocologist . AND ..... When we have REAL trouble, it’s a HISterectomy. Ever notice how all of the female problems start with MALES???
Bert and Agnes are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in La Marina. Bert says to Agnes, "Agnes, I was wondering have you ever cheated on me?" Agnes replies, "Oh Bert, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Agnes, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Bert, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank manager himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Agnes, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Bert, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation in Elche Hospital, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Martinez came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Agnes, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Bert, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be captain of the golf society and you were 17 votes short...?" There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!” Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an instiinsti tution for the blind.
The Female Stages of Life Favorite drink: Age 17: Wine Coolers Age 25: White wine Age 35: Red wine Age 48: Dom Perignon Age 66: Shot of Jack with a chaser Excuses for refusing dates: 17: Need to wash my hair 25: Need to wash and condition my hair 35: Need to colour my hair 48: Need to have Francois color my hair 66: Need to have Francois color my wig Favorite sport: 17: Shopping 25: Shopping 35: Shopping 48: Shopping 66: Shopping Definition of successful date: 17: "Burger King" 25: "Free meal" 35: "A diamond" 48: "A bigger diamond" 66: "Home Alone" Favorite fantasy: 17: tall, dark and handsome 25: tall, dark and handsome with money 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48: a man with hair (preferably not on back) 66: a man Ideal date: 17: He offers to pay 25: He pays 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66: He can chew breakfast
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One holding hands and ends with evening, while still deep in the jungle, a staggering financial loss. the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A man and woman were lying in bed one night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits." Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them. The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?" The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your backside."
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We’ve only got one chair. I was showing my wife this one. I said, ‘Look at this dear.’ I always call her dear. She’s got antlers growing out of the side of her head. I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door.
I must remember to get the plumber to take it off. There have been times that I have known disappointment, even despair. The public never realised because I was laughing on the outside while I was crying on the inside. Very dangerous that - you could easily drown. A man walked into a bar. Ouch.......
At the Royal Command Performance 1964, Tommy Cooper walks on stage with a heater he says, ‘They told me to go out and warm the crowd up.’ A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says, ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes‛ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. “What d‛ya want me to do, Doctor?” “Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!” the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. “Mike, you‛re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.” “Saints be praised, I...” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You‛ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”
20 Zens...part four
“Thanks be to...” Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!” Soon the Doctor delivers a third
16. There are two excellent
child. The doctor
en. Neither one works
“Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it‛s the light that‛s
theories for arguing with wom-
holds up the baby for Mike‛s inspection.
17. Generally speaking, you
attracting them?”
aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse
....... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circum-
stances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
20 Zens...part three 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says... “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
Grey Matters
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “
1- Find the C below.. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, your brain is great and you’re far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork. “Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.” “Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’ forget.” “Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.” And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree! “ “Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? “ “Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees a ham bush...”
ADIOS!! Unfortunately ‘Campo’ has been unable to survive the recession. Developments, completely beyond our control, have meant that overnight we have had to ‘pull the plug’ on our popular magazine. Because events happened so quickly it was impossible to publish a final ‘farewell’ edition. We would like to express our appreciation to ‘Jungle Drums’ who have gracefully allowed us the space to credit everyone who has been involved with Campo over the past six years: our readers, advertisers, sales team, distributors and and designers: you were part of a unique publishing experience. We are pleased that for the past seventy five months we have brought a smile to thousands of faces. We’ve made people laugh and hopefully helped people through some troubled times.
Peter
We’ve got to thank Anne Robinson for this one ….. Who thinks a Tandoori is a brown door?
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens…. Bob Hope
'Holy Trinity'
'Respect'
The Holy Ghost, Jesus and God decide
Paddy and Sean were on the 8th green by the road at Ro-
to have a day off and play golf. Holy
manby golf club when a funeral cortege passed by as they
Ghost steps on the tee with his silver
were about to play. Paddy removed his cap bowed his head
driver, puts his silver ball on a silver tee and creams his drive 300yds. down the middle of the fairway. Jesus then gets on the tee with his golden driver, puts a gold ball on a gold tee and does the
The police
are called to
a house and find a woman holding a golf club and
and stood in reverence as the cortege passed by.
standing over a blugend
Sean remarked to Paddy as the procession passed, I didn’t
male on the floor, the police
know you were that religious Paddy??
ask is that your husband?
I’m not replied Paddy but I lived with her for 36 years so you
yes she says, then they ask
have to show a little respect, dont you.
is he dead? yes she replies, then they ask is that a 5
same as the Holy Ghost. God pulls his
iron you hit him with? yes
worn and battered old wooden driver
she replies, then they ask
from his bag, steps on the tee and puts
how many times did you
a dirty, cut and scored ball on a broken
hit him? she replies maybe
wooden tee. He takes a mighty heave
4,5,6,7,8 times she replies,
at the ball and slices it. Just then, an
oh bugger it put me down
Eagle was flying by and caught the
for a 6 she says
ball in it's beak and carried it towards the green, and dropped it 20 foot from
A man’s alarm goes off at 5.00am He casually whispers into his wife’s ear – “intercourse or golf course?” His wife does not flinch an inch when replying – “don’t forget your sweater.”
the pin, whereupon a Hedgehog then pushed it with it's nose into the hole. Jesus then turned to God and said "Aw c'mon Dad it's only a !&*%^$£ friendly game!!!
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing Someone died playing golf... Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"she said, to which Fred replied "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter." The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Bert. "How old are you?" George asked. "I'm ninety-four," Bert responded. "Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?" At this, Bert blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!" "Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf." George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Bert. "Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one. "Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Bert yelled. "Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?" Bert dropped his head, and muttered, "Sorry,I forgot."
beside him: "You are my caddie for today?" "Yes," answered the boy. "You are good in finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!" 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! . 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.