The Courier Week 11 by TKO Media

Edition 10

www.thecourier.es

Friday, May 6, 2011

SWAMPED BY A BURST BUBBLE

Search for cut-off subscribers after phone-firm crash by DONNA GEE HUNDREDS of homes were left with no telephone service over the Easter holidays when local providers MyBubble suddenly went out of business. And engineers from Iaksess, the company picking up the pieces, have been working around the clock to restore normal service at the El Raso and Lo Crispin urbanisations in particular. Mystified householders found themselves cut off the Tuesday before Easter – and many feared the worst when they discovered that MyBubble’s office numbers had also crashed. One El Raso resident told The Courier: ‘‘We had become used to the occasional loss of service but I got really angry when the line didn’t come back and then I couldn’t contact MyBubble to find out what had happened. ‘‘I suppose it was too much to expect them to let us know they had gone bust. Anyway, I cancelled my direct debit at the bank and fully intended to find a new provider after Easter.’’ The problem for Iaksess was how to let MyBubble subscribers know they were moving into the vacuum and were ready to get everyone back on line. ‘Since we didn’t know exactly who MyBubble’s subscribers

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Bubble trouble: A disgruntled customer with MyBubble's publicity flyer

Friday, May 6, 2011

TELEPHONE

And then there were nine!

96 672 6437 JUNGLE DRUMS

96 672 7334 E-MAIL office@thecourier.es WEB www.thecourier.es HEAD OFFICE Alto del Moncayo s/n, Guardamar del Segura, 03140, ALICANTE PHONE: 96 672 64 37 Email: office@thecourier.es OPENING HOURS Mon - Fri 1030 to 1730 EDITOR Dave Bull (English/Spanish) ADVERTISING SALES 96 672 6437 office@thecourier.es TELESALES 96 672 6437 616 332 178 Sally Los Alcazares, San Javier 618 391 491 Myra Quesada, Rojales, Torrevieja, San Miguel Tel. 618 583 765 Vanessa Gran Alacant, La Marina, Guardamar Tel. 638 741 847 Denise La Zenia, Playa Flamenca, Cabo Roig Tel. 697 241 753 Jean La Zenia, Playa Flamenca, Cabo Roig Tel. 618 898 034 Writers Dave Bull Malcolm Palmer Mick Hardy Donna Gee Suzanne Manners Spike Paul Payne Sally Bengtsson Tony Mayes Jake Monroe Dan Smith Photographer Mark Welton

THEY started making music together just four years ago. Gil Monks on the tenor sax, alto, flute and clarinet, drummer Arthur Buck, Keith Monk on keyboard and vocals and Brian Shotton on bass. They brought real, live musical entertainment to dance to at Hotel Spa Costa Narejos in Los Alcazares. The quartet of vastly experienced musicians had worked with each other worldwide for many years on cruise ships, West End shows and with many big bands and instantly recognisable stars of the music world. Last year, they expanded their versatility by introducing a new trend for the Costa Calida. Out of 'Swingtet' evolved 'Swingtet Plus' the plus being five more of the best musicians in the Costas. So now we have the Big Band sound of saxophones, trumpets, trombone, drums, keyboard and bass giving their own interpre-

tation of numbers with endless popularity. We’re talking about the music of Glenn Miller, Duke Ellington, Count Basie and other big bands - with the additional support of Mr. Ron Rogers with his own swinging renditions of numbers made famous by legendary stars like Frank Sinatra, Bobby Darin and Dean Martin. The three Big Band Dance Nights last year were a great success - and the first this year, on April 7, was greeted with great enthusiasm and eager support by supporters from as far afield as the Valencia region! The next Big Band Dance Night is on Thursday, May 19 but tickets are already on sale and will be in short supply. For details, telephone 968 - 432 - 630. Tickets are available from reception at the Hotel Costa Narejos, Los Alcazares. Tel: 968 - 583 - 980. Proceeds of the raffle will go to Help Murcia Mar Menor, Cancer Support Group.

Richard Henry Norris (08-12-1942 – 26-04-2011) Richard passed away suddenly on Tuesday April 26. Marjory and her family would like to thank all their friends and neighbours for their help and support. Funeral and cremation took place on Monday May 2. A memorial service will be held in England in July.

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Affiliations

Publication Published by Rainbow Media, S.L. Printed by Localprint S.L Depósito legal A - 132 - 2011 The Courier, its publishers, members of staff and its agents do not accept responsibility for claims by advertisers nor can it be held responsible for any errors in advertisements which are reproduced from poor artwork, low quality electronic data or inadequate instructions for text or other layout features. Further no responsibility is accepted for any loss or damage caused by an error, inaccuracy or non-appearance of any advertisement, although all advertisements produced are checked prior to insertion. We regret that we cannot accept responsibility for more than ONE incorrect insertion and that no re-publication will be granted in the case of typographical or minor changes which do not affect the value of the advertisement. E&OE. NO PART OF THIS NEWSPAPER MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE PUBLISHERS.

were, it was a matter of getting the message over to them that we were taking over,’’ explained Iaksess’s Nathalie Granberg. ‘’There are probably still people out there who are unaware that we are reprogramming MyBubble equipment and it won’t cost them anything. We are providing subscribers with temporary phone numbers while things are being sorted out, but they should have their old numbers back within a couple of weeks. ‘‘Unfortunately, some customers may have gone elsewhere but anyone who still needs help should phone the Iaksess office in Los Balcones on 966784532 as soon as possible.’’

Monday Sunny High Temperature: 24°C RealFeel: 27°C

Meanwhile, the Scandinavian-owned Iaksess company, which specialises in internet services – insists the future is bright and that there will be no more burst Bubbles. ‘‘We have lots of investment and longterm we are looking at adding TV and mobile phones to our portfolio,’’ added Granberg. ‘’We are also aiming to bring prices down but the top priority at present is to get everyone’s phone working again. ‘’We are turning things around very quickly and if anyone still has a problem, all they need to do is call us and we promise to sort it out very quickly.’’ Today Sun and clouds High Temperature: 20°C RealFeel: 21°C

Saturday Sun and showers High Temperature: 22°C RealFeel: 23°C

Sunday Sunny High Temperature: 26°C RealFeel: 27°C

Tuesday Abundant sunshine High Temperature: 24°C RealFeel: 25°C

Wednesday Bright and sunny High Temperature: 25°C RealFeel: 26°C

Thursday Plenty of sun High Temperature: 25°C RealFeel: 27°C

Friday, May 6, 2011

Ban-celona!

IT's WILL O' THE WISP AND...

Catalan capital involved in serious cover up with fines for bikini-wearers on the streets

Prince William shares a laugh with his bride but we'll bet he doesn't find his premature hair loss funny. Even if it does run in the family...

KATHERINE OF ARROGANT What we'll miss - Ursula Andress with a lovely pair of shells

DAVE BULL reports on a new law passed by Barcelona town hall that will certainly have its knockers Female beach-lovers were threatening to burn their bras last week after Barcelona City hall decided to fine women in the Catalan capital who wander off the beach onto the streets in just their swimming costumes or sometimes even less! In a move described as ‘draconian’ by sun-seekers, the city hall voted to ban what it described as "nudity or virtual nudity in public places" and limit swimming costumes including bikinis to swimming pools, beaches, adjacent roads and beach walks. Bathers who wander off their des-

ignated areas of the beach will be subject to fines of 300€ to 500€ and those who don’t cover up and find themselves getting refreshed at a bar in the town, flashing the flesh in bikinis, swimming trunks or swimsuits face fines of 120€ to 300€. Already authorities in the city have put up posters discouraging such behaviour and telling tourists to cover up. To make sure even the most ignorant of Spanish language can understand, the posters show a couple in swimming costumes with a red line across it next to another couple dressed normally but without the red line… In a statement, the fuddy duddies at the city hall said that the move

was to "ensure coexistence between citizens in public areas," but they denied that they are telling people how they should dress. Defenders of nudism were outraged. "It's a ban that goes beyond laws that decriminalised nudity 22 years ago," said Jacit Ribas i Deix, the head of an association for the defence of nudity and who became well known in Barcelona for walking and cycling naked through the city. The beaches and cultural attractions of the capital of Spain's northeastern Catalonia region draw millions of foreign visitors each year and it is those who the city hall says are mostly to blame.

A rare picture of Kate looking anything but happy and relaxed. Maybe someone told her that her namesake's 1509 marriage to King Henry X111 didn't always run smoothly.

GREAT OUTDOORS

Red-necked Nightjar IF you live near a pine plantation or some such type of habitat, you should listen out at night for the rapid, repeated, ‘kutuk,kutuk,kutuk,’ of Red-necked Nightjar, a nocturnal Mediterranean summer visitor which inhabits our area – and much of Spain. Difficult to see, a strong light may well show one up – and they tend to rest on tracks through the woods.

SONG WITH MOST VERSIONS Know what it is? Can you guess? The answer is ‘Yesterday’ by the Beatles. Second place goes, perhaps surprisingly, to ‘Georgia on my Mind’ – Ray Charles’ version being the best known, whilst the dreaded ‘My Way’ makes it into third.

Friday, May 6, 2011

SAYS

EVERYONE’S A WINNNER

AS we begin summer (starts in May as far as I’m concerned) it’s great to see more people around up and down the coast. And they’re smiling! The sun has been out, gone back in, and the returned for what will surely be the rest of the year, or until October… But it definitely helps to feel the sun on your face. You want to do more, so do others and so you do. The local cafeterias have you round for a café on the terrace and before or after you’ve enjoyed that – you may look in and around the local shops. Maybe you’ll spend, maybe you won’t but you’ve had a look and the next time someone asks ‘where can I get…?’ you may well know. You didn’t spend, but they did. When the sun comes out - we do more, which creates other actions, and reactions (ask Newton about that one) but all I’m trying to say is that when the sun comes out… everyone’s a winner. Innit? THE EDITOR

WILL YOU TAKE THE LEAD AND CHANGE A DOG’S LIFE? TUCKED away in Los Infiernos, about a ten minute drive from San Javier, is a little known about dog shelter called Protectora de Animales Perros del Sol (PAPS for short) which is the home to 200 abandoned dogs. The shelter, which started out as a municipal dog pound, should be funded by three town halls. However, one of these town halls hasn’t paid any money towards the upkeep of the dogs for the last two years, and the other two pay very sporadically. If it wasn’t for a loyal team of helpers, led by Yvonne Schallamach, the dogs would be starving. The food alone for the dogs costs 370 euros a week. Yvonne got involved in the project two years ago when she went along with a friend who wanted to adopt a dog. Antonio, the landowner and manager, who does his best with the few resources he has, commented that it was such a shame that the dogs never left their kennels. It was as if they were in prison. Their eyes were dead. This got her thinking and Yvonne decided to try and organise a team of dog walkers. Gradually the idea became a reality and now the dogs are all walked at least three times a week. The difference in them is absolutely amazing. People really notice a “before and after” in the dogs. They have gone from depressed creatures to walking with a spring in their step and wag of their tails. Regular visitors now include two girls who work for the RSPCA in the UK and come and walk the dogs whenever they are over in Spain in their holiday home. They say that the kennels now compare favourably to similar kennels in the UK. And a police dog trainer who visits every year has noticed a huge difference in the dogs since they have been going out for walks. The kennels are surprisingly clean. There are dogs of all shapes, sizes, breeds and ages, from tiny puppies to an old lady who spends most of the day sleeping, from pedigrees to delightful mixes. Unfortunately many of the dogs at the kennels are classified as dangerous dogs, and these are much harder to re-home because the new owner must have a special licence and pass a psychological test. A lot have been ill treated by humans, but what amazes Yvonne is that they don’t bear a grudge, and still trust other humans, wagging their tail in greeting. Their wide eyes melt any heart and all they want is a bit of love and affection. One dog was brought in with such matted hair they had to shave its fur off. It is now regrowing and the dog is gradually recovering from its life of abandonment.

However, looking after these dogs is truly rewarding. More dog walkers are required and Yvonne points out that it is a great way to make new friends and lose weight too. She has lost 7 kilos since she began working here, and she looks much younger than her years, with shining eyes and a wide smile. The walkers are a wide range of nationalities, including Brits, Americans, Dutch, German, Scottish, Irish, Spanish and Swiss. Why not give Yvonne a ring and volunteer to give her a hand. You would be making a huge difference to the dogs well being and would benefit from a wide range of things. Anyone who would like to adopt a dog can give Yvonne a ring and arrange to visit the kennels to have a look around. Donations of bric a brac are welcome for the market stalls they do every fortnight in Campoverde and San Miguel. They sometimes also hold auctions, and are open to ideas if anyone has a fundraising activity or suggestion. Dogs can also be sponsored. And about 200 dogs a year are adopted in Germany. The bad news is that the number of adoptions has gone right down, and last year just 150 dogs were adopted in Spain. For further information see their websites at http://sonnenhunde-in-not.de/ or http://www.protectora-animales-delcampo.com/paps_home_es.htm or visit their Facebook page Support PAPS/Los Infiernos Dog refuge in Murcia Spain You can contact Yvonne on 618 028 619 or 966 769 137

Friday, May 6, 2011

BEYOND BELIEF! My close encounter of the weird kind

THE real world really can be stranger than fiction. My chance meeting with a dark stranger from my youth in a remote Costa Blanca bar left everyone present with goose pimples... I WAS driving my visitor John home from a mini shopping trip in Quesada when – not for the first time – he decided he fancied a beer. Hardly surprising on an unbearably hot summer's afternoon in the tranquility of Doña Pepa. ‘’That place looks friendly enough,’’ said my former Sunday People colleague as our eyes fell on half-a-dozen people chatting happily over a drink in the sunshine. We were in a sleepy sidestreet, not exactly a hotbed of tourist activity. And certainly not the sort of place to revive distant memories of my teenage years in South Wales. The sunshine six, four women and two men, were clearly enjoying themselves and my ears pricked up when one of the women suddenly announced with a giggle: ‘‘You Welsh – you’re all the same!’’ Nosey dragon that I am, I got up and sidled over. ‘’So who’s Welsh here, then?’’ I grinned, summoning up my best valleys accent. I actually left Wales when I was 20, but my celtic patriotism remains a strong as ever –no doubt a reaction to being overrun by Mancunians since moving north in the ’70s. It’s a bit different out here in Spain, of course, where there seem to be more Taffs than there ever were back home. ‘’I am,’’ piped up a curlyhaired mixed-race guy about my own age. ‘’Where are you from then?’’ ‘’Well,’’ I mused, trying to condense my complicated roots into a single sentence. ‘I lived in Barry, Cardiff and Caerphilly as a child but I started my working life in Pontypridd.’’ ‘’Really? I’m from near Ponty myself,’’ said the dark stranger. ‘’Who did you know there, then?’’

‘’Well, I knew Tom Jones – or Tommy Woodward as he was then,’’ I grinned. ''In fact, I gave him his first-ever newspaper write-ups.'' ‘’We all knew him,’’ quipped my new soulmate, prompting laughter from all corners. ‘’Who else did you know?’’ My mind immediately conjured up memories of the larger-than-life journalist who was my boss and mentor at the Pontypridd Observer. As a school leaver approaching my 17th birthday, he and his wife took me in as a lodger – and over my three years as a trainee reporter they effectively

cold chill went down my spine. It was a moment neither of us will never forget and one of those who witnessed it told me later: ''We were so shocked that we all came out in goose pimples.'' The two youngsters Ray and his wife Margaret had mentored in those dim and distant days had been brought face to face in the most unlikely circumstances. And the circumstances were so bizarre that neither of us can accept that our meeting was pure coincidence. I had heard so much about Doug during my time working in Pontypridd. He had moved to Stoke-onTrent with his family when he was eight, but the Thomases never stopped talking about him. You’d have thought he was their own son and they always wanted us to meet because Donna and Doug's mentor they thought we had Ray Thomas with Tom Jones a lot in common. It never happened – became my surrogate mum but I did see many photos of and dad. him, most of them taken on ‘’Well, my landlord was a his occasional visits back to guy called Ray Thomas, Pontypridd when I never who was chief reporter of seemed to be around. the local newspaper…’’ I Doug recalls: ‘‘Ray and ventured, expecting a blank Margaret were special peoreaction. ple in my life and I was so My new acquaintance all jealous of you because you but turned white with shock. were living with them and I I could see the name had a wasn’t.’’ special significance to him, He had been born to a too. young local woman in the In a flash, everything came nearby village of Abercynon, together in my head and I Ray’s birthplace, near the realised in amazement just end of World War Two. His who this guy was. father was a black American As forgotten images of a GI who promptly disapdusky teenager flashed peared back to the States before my eyes, I blurted and Doug was brought up in out: ''Good God, you're not his mother’s all-white family, Doug, are you?'' the only mixed-race child for He nodded slowly and a miles around.

Pals for life: Doug and wife Kath with Donna (right) pictured hours after their freak meeting

Ku Klux Klan doing penitence? Well, not exactly…

Tough guy: Doug in his bodybuilding days His childhood had naturally been difficult and he got into so many scrapes that it was almost inevitable that he would later become a professional boxer and a champion bodybuilder. Because of his unusual background, and his bond with Ray and Margaret, Doug’s name had remained vivid in my mind for well over four decades. But the chance of us ever meeting was remote in the extreme – even in the more likely surroundings of Pontypridd or Stoke. As you might guess, he and his wife Kath, who also knew of me from her husband’s dim and distant past, are now among my best friends. Indeed, Doug regularly jokes to me: ‘‘This is a friendship that is NEVER going to end.’' He and Kath have been holidaying in the southern Costa Blanca for many years and cynics might say our meeting was pure coincidence. But although neither of us is religious, we are convinced that our meeting was orchestrated from above. You see, Margaret passed away just months before Doug and I met in that bar. And I truly believe that she and arch-joker Ray – who died in the ’70s - orchestrated it all from their new celestial home. There is nothing they would have wanted more than for Doug and me to meet and now their wish has finally been granted. Was our freak encounter merely a bizarre coincidence? Or did Ray and Margaret set it up from beyond the grave? That’s for you to decide.

IT was enough to frighten the life out of uninformed tourists…bands of what looked like Ku Klux Klan activists marching through local streets as part of Easter processions throughout Spain. ‘‘I wondered what was going on - it really frightened me to see people dressed like that,’’ one innocent British holidaymaker told The Courier. ‘‘I felt really intimidated.” But there was absolutely nothing to fear - the conical masks are part of Spanish tradition during Semana Santa (Holy Week). And from local towns from Elche to Aspe and Santa Pola they were out in force over the weekend. A Spanish source explained: ‘’During Holy Week, various groups of people parade through the streets. These groups are called cofradías. ‘‘The people who parade with the conical hats (capirote or capuz) and tunics or capes are called Nazarenos (Nazarenes) or penitents. Each cofradía wears a different-coloured capirote and cape.’’ The pointed hoods of the Nazarenos symbolise a penitent approach to Heaven - interpreted by many Christians as a place of salvation. They also identify with the pointed cypress-tree in Christian cemeteries which purports to take the dead to Heaven. Another significance apparently dates back to the Middle Ages, when prisoners due to be executed were made to wear yellow clothes and a crown. During the Inquisition those convicted of religious crimes also had to wear a hood, thus fulfilling the penance.

Friday, May 6, 2011

THE GOOD OLD DAYS Older Than Everyone Else Quiz N0 7

By Alan Gilchrist Costa Blanca’s Top (Hypnotherapist) AFTER the last article was published I was inundated with more trivia about the past. Keep them coming by contacting me on trivia@alangilchrist.com Everyone loves remembering trivia about the past so I thought I would devise an on-going quiz that (almost) everyone can join in. For the younger ones / those young at heart just say the words to your partners or parents and watch their faces light up. Then just sit back and listen to their stories about what it meant to them!

41. Schrieber furniture

51. Playing with plasticine

42. Kays Catalogues

52. The world at war TV programme

43. Mary Feldman 44. The transformers for a model railway

53. Tony Holland Muscle Man "

the "

54. Gob Stoppers 45. Vauxhall Viva 46. Logan’s Run film and series 47. Making snow men and snow angels

55. Putting nail varnish on a ladder 56. Their first VCR ( Vhs or Betamax ) 57. Peter Wyngarde

48. Getting a Blue Peter Annual for Christmas 49. Whistling Jack Smith

58. Flipper 59. Breaking coconut

open

50. Hopalong Cassidy 60. Love beads 18. Making a camp fire

29. Morris Oxfords

19. Ronnie Hilton

30. Boiling onions

20. Making toffee apples

31. TV’s 405 and 625 lines

21. Smash potato powder ( and granules )

32. Regent Petrol 33. Carnaby Street

22. 1001 cleans ...........................

23. Getting their cycling proficiency certificate

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about by your parents!

8. Stratford Johns

1. Their first part time Job

11. Hillman minx

2. Corgi toys ( the one with windows )

12. Potty time

3. Going to the dentists for the first time 4. Milk vending machines

24. Their all-time favourite Christmas song

34. Dianna Rigg 35. Cyril Smith MP 36. British Airways

Caledonian

37. Joe 90

9. Tram Cars

25. Leslie Judd

10. Cyryl Lord carpets

26. Slide rules

38. The white dot when the TV was turned off

27. Wooden pencil cases

39. The slush ( Dance)

28. Washboards

40. Cheese cloth shirts

HOW’D YOU DO?

13. The Krankies

If you remembered 0-10 = You're still young

14. Woodwork or metalwork class

If you remembered 10-25 = You are getting older

5. Radio Caroline

15. Top of the form ( and the title music )

6. When decimal currency was introduced

16. Gerry Anderson

7. Dave Clarke 5

17. Shippam's paste

Bloater

If you remembered 25-40= Don't tell your age If you remembered 40 - 60 = You're older than everyone! If anyone wants to send in their suggestions, send them to me at trivia@alangilchrist.com

Friday, May 6, 2011

FANCY A RUBY, PAL?

I see Silvio Berlusconi’s in court again, but then again when isn’t he? This time it’s the underage-sex-with-aprostitute charge, which of course he denies. The same as he’s denied Mafia links, bribery, fraud, deception and spying. Still, innocent until proven guilty they say so we’ll give him the (huge) benefit of the doubt and wait for the courts to find him innocent (again) of getting rude with young Ruby. But can you imagine any of this happening in the UK, or anywhere else for that matter? Apart from a few rogue Arab states with dictators (and France, of course), any other country would have got rid of him years ago. But there’s either something very appealing about Berlusconi for the Italian public or the opposition are really, really bad. Or perhaps it’s the ‘bad boy’ thing they go for?

Think about it. If you get caught doing a ‘Ron Davies’ with your trousers around your knees on Clapham Common with a friend called ‘Spencer’ looking up at you – you’ve had it. Claim a few grand extra on your second home – which is actually your mum’s - and you’ll find yourself wearing stripy clothes for 18 months courtesy of her maj’ or even take a holiday abroad when your country is in recession and you’ll get a serious ticking off. But chuck a ‘Bunga Bunga’ party and invite all your mates, along with the Italian equivalent of the Girl Guides, and get set for another four years in power. So you see he must be doing something right, albeit quietly. But, just to ram my point home about the ‘bad boys’, consider John Prescott for a minute, would

you? OK, I grant you it’s not the most pleasant of images to fill your head but think back a few years to when he was the most unpopular MP on the planet. And then what happened? He thumped someone, became the ‘people’s’ hero overnight and his popularity soared. And then there’s Clinton. Yes, he got impeached (and I still don’t know what it means) but when the American public realised that he was a bit of a ‘lad’ (and after they met Hilary I wouldn’t mind guessing), they thought, ‘aw, what the heck, he only ruined her dress…’ So my advice to Cameron and Bean, I mean Zapatero, is to get bad, boys. Throw a few parties, break a few things and get yourselves a rep’. Trouble is that with these two it’d have to be a Tupperware party…if that’s OK with the wife.

WHY CORNISH PASTIES AND SAY WHAT YOU LIKE, TWITTER ESSEX GIRLS ARE SACRED BUGS - BUT PLEASE BACK IT UP! YOU can’t call a pasty Cornish unless it comes from Cornwall. It’s the same with Melton Mowbray pork pies, Devon cream and Essex girls. And that’s got to be right, hasn’t it? Following a challenge in the EU to call some fizzy wine Champagne – which was kicked out – Europe has decided to make official what we already knew; if it doesn’t come from a place you can’t say it’s from there. In other words, you can’t make wine with bubble in it and call it Champagne. The same now applies to Cornish Pasties and the many other regional, and unique, dishes and foods produced around the world and bearing the name of their place of origin. A firm in France had contested that it baked pasties in exactly the same way as is done in Cornwall and therefore it should carry the

‘Cornish’ name. But that doesn’t work, does it? If somebody asks what country I come from I don’t answer ‘Germany’ just because we came from the same basic ingredients years ago. And find me a Scouser or a Manc who will proudly share their heritage with their nearest neighbour. If I’m born in Newcastle, I’m a Geordie – I can’t then move to France and say, ‘‘Actually I’m the same as these, so I’m French’’ (as if you’d want to, but work with me here). But overall, looking at the big picture it seems to work in general, although I wouldn’t mind betting that not much of the poultry that ends up in a cardboard bucket has ever seen Kentucky. So can I still call my cheese on toast Welsh rarebit? Or not.

SO now I’m on Twitter (@davejbull). That’s a good thing apparently but looking at some of the more offensive ‘Tweets’, I’m beginning to wonder whether free speech has gone a little too far. As you know there are certain rules and regulations (and plenty of laws) about what can be printed in the press. But it seems that in the cyber world you can say what you like. Social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and the many forums that can be accessed allow anonymous people to say whatever they wish - and a lot of the time they can get away with. So is that freedom of speech? Is it freedom of speech when someone can say anything they like about, say, your business and then hide behind anonymity? Possibly doing their best to wreck it, or maybe your reputation before slinking back under their cyberrock?

We can’t (and wouldn’t) print a lot of the stuff that is allowed to go online in social networking sites. Especially those that are poorly monitored, or in many cases, not monitored at all! But it looks like things are changing with a landmark case in the UK that looks set to be introduced into European law. In a test case, a man who had his character tarnished unfairly on a forum managed to change the privacy laws and access the details of an anonymous ‘poster’ who had been writing about him and trying to persuade potential customers not to use his business. The courts ruled that the man's anonymity was not protected in anyway under law and the forum had to give up his details. He later received a fine and a warning from the judges about his future behaviour. The anonymous writer who didn’t want to face his adversary in court was last spotted heading off to try and find a back-bone…

Friday, May 6, 2011

OHAre NO, I DIDN'T DID I? you really a ‘perfect match’ with your partner? By Tony Mayes WITH millions of people's attention turned to the Royal Wedding last week, marriage is the focus of attention, yet sadly, in England and Wales, half of all marriages are now ending in divorce. If it happens when there are no children involved the damage is restricted to the divorcing couple, but sadly, the breakup of a family unit can inflict damage on children which can take years to cure, if ever it is completely healed. Interestingly, a Berkshire rabbi has devised a wedding quiz which he hopes will reduce the odds of divorce among his congregation. It deserves a much wider audience. Jonathan Romain, of Maidenhead synagogue, has come up with 20 questions to help couples work out whether they are compatible. Statistics drawn up in 2008 showed one-in-two marriages end in divorce in England and Wales, and it's probably worse today, but Dr Romain aims to reduce odds with those he marries to one-in-16. He said: "Marriage is the biggest gamble any of us ever take." Some questions are light-hearted such as "what is your partner's favourite food", but most probe what people think their partner's future plans and aspirations are. "Most couples, I find, in the run-up to their wedding, concentrate on the four or five hours of the wedding day, when actually they should be concentrating on the 40 or 50 years ahead," said Dr Romain. "A bit of preparation might help some couples decide: 'actually we're not quite as suitable as we first thought'". He said a number of couples performed badly in the quiz during his marriage sessions, which involve couples answering the questions individually. "There was one couple where the woman wanted two children maximum and the guy wanted six," he said. Here is the quiz...see how you shape up in the marriage stakes! • What is his/her favourite food? • Does he/she want to have a pet at some stage?

he/she does not like? • What would you most like to change about him/her? • What are the main values he/she has? Fifteen answers correct - great future ahead! Nine to 14 answers correct - you're heading in the right direction, but need to start talking about deeper issues in each other's lives before making any commitments. Fewer than eight correct - Put all your plans on hold until you really know the person you think you know.

• Does he/she have any allergies? • What was one of the happiest moments of your partner's life before he/she met you? • What has been the saddest moment of his/her life so far? • Does he/she want children and if so, how many and when? • How often does your partner like to visit his/her family? • What special family traditions does your partner have that he/she wishes to continue? • What type of holidays does he/she like best? • Does your partner believe in saving or spending what he/she earns? • Do you find it easy to know what birthday present to get him/her? • Where would he/she like to be living in a few years? • What person has most influence on him/her apart from you? • What is his/her greatest regret? • Does he/she want joint or separate bank accounts or both? • What type of education does he/she want for any children? • What is his/her ideal view of the future? • Are there any habits or characteristics of yours that

So, why is it that we have so many disastrous marriages today and why the appalling statistic, with one in two marriages ending in failure? Well, in my view, it all starts with the silly love at first sight notion, or, to put it in the right context, lust at first sight, and pretending that a relationship built on sex alone will last. Invariably, it won't. Then there's the total devaluation of marriage - the notion that if it doesn't work then we'll end it. It all went disastrously wrong in the UK when divorce was made almost as easy as getting married. The idea of a guilty party was ended and people did not have to go to court and air their dirty washing in public. People pretended that having an apparently uncaring or unloving partner was an excuse for having an adulterous affair. There's a small army of people out there prepared to wreck a marriage by becoming a predator man or woman. How much better it would be if there was a guilty party in a marriage and the wronged party could sue a predator man or woman. How many men would be prepared to have sex with a married woman or women having sex with a married man if they knew it could end up leaving them sued for hundreds of thousands of pounds and their affairs reported in newspapers as they were dragged through the courts? There is nothing better in controlling the wrong-doings of society than having people publicly judged by their peers. Perhaps a review of the divorce laws is long overdue - not just for the sake of preserving marriages or making people more responsible before entering into it, but to end much of the damage done to the next generation.

Friday, May 6, 2011

BREATHTAKING!

Nautical but nice...for views and great food, The Yachtsman is tops WITH stunning views of the port of San Pedro The Yachtsman Pub and Restaurant is one of the nicest places I know to enjoy some great food and friendly service. It is the oldest pub at San Pedro Port, and really seems to be improving with age, if it can get any better. The huge, outdoor seating area is extremely popular, with views over the harbour of luxury yachts and quaint fishing boats. But if you prefer to sit indoors the decor is tasteful and comfortable, and you still have those fantastic views. There is a comfortable chill out area upstairs, complete with large sofas, low tables and a shelf full of interesting books. But not only is the situation fantastic, the food is also the talk of the town, with the famous Sunday Carvery, offering a choice of three starters, three meats or paella, plus vegetables, potatoes and home-made gravy, followed by a delicious dessert, and all for 12.50 euros.

A brand new a la carte menu will become a must for customers when they see what’s on offer. The choices on offer include five different varieties of paella, including lobster, vegetable, chicken, pork ribs and red pepper, and peeled shellfish. The mouth-watering starters include roast octopus, asparagus hearts, smoked salmon, squid and salad. There is a choice of fish dishes, with delicacies such as roast turbot and seabass or cod with red peppers and potatoes.

There is a choice of meats, including steak, lamb chops, grilled chicken, served with home-made sauces. And the desserts include cream caramel on a bed of avocado cream, rice pudding, tiramisu and susset crepes. At The Yachtsman there is actually a choice of three different menus: Breakfast, Snacks and A la carte. So you can be sure there is something to suit all tastes and fancies. The Menu of the Day is served from Monday to Saturday and costs just 9.50 for three courses. And there is a choice of other menus, for instance: grilled red prawns, chef’s salad and grilled sea bass for just 20 euros, which is ideal for a special occasion or when you have something to celebrate. The Yachtsman is open all day every day, from 9am until 11.30pm. Booking is advisable, and to do so phone 600 749 181. It is easy to find. From San Pedro follow the signs to Salinas de San Pedro, drive through the stunning salt marshes, passing flying flamingos and tranquil lagoons, then turn right at the end. You will see the Marina Puerto Deportivo on your left. Walk through the barriers and turn into the square. You will see The Yachtsman in front of you.

EXPERTS at the Third World Congress on Climate Change and Wine have concluded that the grape variety known as ‘garnacha’ in Spanish, or ‘grenache’ in French will be vital if Mediterranean wineries are to adapt to harsher climate conditions. "Spain will be one of the areas most affected by climate change," said

million acres of land planted with wine-producing vines. Fernández also addressed the environmental impact of wineries themselves, defending lower water consumption, lower CO2 emissions and the maintaining of indigenous trees, such as olive trees and Aleppo pines, near which grapevines typically grow, in order to pre-

GRAPE GRIPE GROWS Ignacio Fernández, head of the International Wine Organisation, adding that a one-degree temperature change pushes the boundaries of winemaking as much as 100 kilometres north. The fact that Britain now has 1,000 hectares of winemaking land would have been unthinkable just 150 years ago. Spain, by comparison, has 2.9

vent single-species plantations. Meanwhile, representatives of wineries at last week’s summit in Marbella shared some of their tricks for mitigating the effects of climate change, which everybody admitted were very real. A speaker for Miguel Torres S.A., a winemaker who has pioneered environmentally friendly techniques, said the company had decided not to prune the higher leaves of the vines as much as previously, in order to obtain more natural shade for the grapes. The Barbastro event was organised by the Ecology and Development Foundation (Ecodes), a Zaragoza-based non-profit group, as part of the European Union's ENECO project, which seeks to get small and medium businesses involved in sustainable development. The participants at the Barbastro summit seemed to understand the urgency of the matter. "If we don't do anything," said Fernández, "we will reach a point where production is no longer sustainable."

Friday, May 6, 2011

BRITISH HISPANIST COMPARES SPANISH CIVIL WAR TO HOLOCAUST PAUL PRESTON has been writing books about Spanish history for the past thirty years. Born in 1946 he has become an international authority on the Spanish Civil War. This veteran Hispanist estimates 200,000 Spaniards were killed far from the front line in the 1936-39 Civil War, Hispanist: Paul Preston and thousands more in the ensuing decades-long dictatorship of Francisco Franco. After a decade of research, Preston gives details in the latest of his many books on the War and its aftermath, the English title of which is "The Spanish Holocaust: Inquisition and Extermination in Twentieth-Century Spain." "I cannot think of a word that better encapsulates the astounding level of suffering of civilians in the Spanish Civil War and after," Preston said in response to a question about the use of the word holocaust in the book's title. "There was an awful lot of death and suffering that isn't actually quantifiable because we don't know all the names," he commented while publicising the Spanish version of the book last week. The English edition will be published in autumn 2011. Preston said many previous histories had focused on violence in areas controlled by the Republican government, rather than by supporters of the 1936 military uprising which began the war and eventually installed Franco as dictator in 1939. "Basically what I've done is produce the first major study of the whole thing which looks at both sides, the difference in scale and of intentionality," he said. "It's also the first that's based on this colossal amount of material that's come

out over the last 10 years." The professor of contemporary Spanish studies at the London School of Economics found that as well as some 300,000 dead in battle, 50,000 people were killed in Republican areas, and 150,000 in areas controlled by Franco's troops. He concludes that violence in Republican areas was a spontaneous response to a breakdown in law and order caused by the uprising, which was later stopped, whereas killing by Franco's supporters was premeditated, systematic and sustained. Preston also uses what he calls "cinematic technique" to focus on individuals such as Pascual Fresquet, leader of the "Death Brigade" which in the early weeks of the war summarily killed hundreds in the north-eastern region of Catalonia. "He ran literally a charabanc called the Skull Car, "El Cotxe de la Calavera" (in Catalan), which went round from town to town killing who they could get away with, although in the end they were stopped," he said. So many horrific killers emerged in the war that Preston is now working on a series of mini-biographies about them to be called "Monsters," including one Capt. Gonzalo de Aguilera.

Easter Eggstravagance! A CHOCO–TASTIC array of Easter Eggs and all things chocolate were put together last Wednesday as Gina Marks from SOL Productions handed over a huge collection of Easter treats to Annette English, who had organised the transport to take them to the Elche and Altea children’s homes. The Easter eggs, which had been collected as part of SOL´s Easter egg donation campaign, were bagged up ready and Louise Pledge and Sonia Sacristan who represented Iceland in Torrevieja, were also on hand to help as the store had helped SOL with the campaign. Huge thanks goes to all the local businesses who acted as collection points and also to the general public who donated eggs in abundance, especially at the Mind Body and SOL Exhibition which was held in Los Arcos/La Rustica. If you purchased raffle tickets at the exhibition, please log on to www.solproduc-

tions.tv and check SOL Talk for the winning numbers. Lucky ticket PINK 844 won the goodie bag prize of a bottle of Vodka but as yet it is still unclaimed... so make sure that you check those tickets! Gina commented: “The generosity shown by the general public is very much appreciated and some donors even attached a euro to each egg! A special thank you also goes to Los Amigo’s Bingo Club from Quesada who also contributed to the Easter egg campaign. The Children who are part of the EMAUS association were delighted. Their faces literally lit up at all the chocolate delights. Thank you again to all those involved in helping the Easter Bunny delight these less fortunate children. Here’s hoping you all had a Happy Easter too.” SOL Productions will keep you posted on the next campaign…

"He's a guy who on the first day of the uprising lines up all the peasants on his estate, picks six at random and shoots them to let the others know who's boss." In the early 1960s, Aguilera ended up killing both his sons, attempted to kill his wife and ended his days in a lunatic asylum. "At the end of the war he's quite prominent, but obviously the whole thing, the brutalization leaves him a really bitter and twisted bloke." Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy supported the 1936 uprising, and the Republican government later appealed to the Soviet Union for help, turning the war into what many historians have described as a dress rehearsal for World War Two. The fiercely opposed ideologies drawn into the war sparked the imagination of a whole generation in Europe and it continues to sharply divide opinions to this day, especially in Spain. "It's tragic, horrendous, It's also fascinating. Look at it, you've got Fascism, Communism, Anarchism, Freemasonry, Socialism," Preston said. "You've got every "ism" you can imagine, and you've got walk-on parts for Stalin, Trotsky, Hitler, Mussolini." The War still leaves a lot of work for historians to do, and Preston says he alone could work on another eight projects. In addition to "Monsters," he has been working for years on a biography of Mussolini, like one he has already published about Franco.

SUMMER BOOST FOR THE COSTA BLANCA Tourism figures looking good for summer By Spike Experts are predicting an increase in tourists to the Costa Blanca this summer of between two and 2.5 per cent, as holidaymakers – mostly from Northern Europe – avoid the recent trouble spots like Tunisia, Morocco and Egypt. Spain will welcome this much needed boost this summer as, if the predictions are correct, a million extra tourists will flock to Spain due to the on-going problems in the Middle East and North Africa. 180,000 new jobs that have been lost since the economic crisis

hit the country three years ago will now be filled and Francesc Valls, a tourism expert at ESADE business school in Barcelona stated the rise could help to create up to 10,000 new jobs. But he also went on to warn that the country had to become more competitive, cutting its prices and improving on quality levels. He added, “Spain has a lot to offer … but we fall short in terms of price-to-quality and legislative control, tourism accounts for about 11 per cent of Spain’s GDP, despite the global reduction in spending on travel.

Friday, May 6, 2011

GADAFFI CLUSTER BOMBS WERE MADE IN SPAIN

MUAMMAR GADDAFI'S forces are using Spanishmade cluster bombs against civilian targets in the rebel city of Misrata, The New York Times has reported. The munitions were made in 2007, a year before Spain signed an international treaty banning the use of this type of weapon. Two Spanish companies were making cluster bombs until they were banned: Expal and Instalaza. The former only made projectiles for

aviation, while the latter manufactured the MAT-120 mortar-fired munitions now being used in Libya. Spain has not exported this type of weapon since it signed the treaty, the foreign trade agency told EL PAÍS. Official statistics show that Spain exported arms to Libya in 2008 worth 3.8 million euros, in the categories of "bombs, torpedoes, rockets and missiles."

Power to the Purple! When I am an old woman I shall wear purple With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me and I shall spend my pension on brandy... Warning: a poem by Jenny Joseph

Hats the way to do it - the Purple Ladies gather possibly after the brandy THE Red Hat Society began as a result of a few women deciding to greet middle age with verve, vigour and good humour. Underneath the frivolity, the ladies share a bond of affection, forged by common life experiences and a genuine enthusiasm for wherever life takes them next. As a general rule, the Red Hat Society meet once a month to eat, drink and be merry - forging friendships that will last a lifetime. However, sometimes there is a need to stop being indulgent and to give something back. So the Quesada M.A.D. Group (Menopausal and Dangerous), have decided to do something different from the usual raffle. The brave ladies (who are not in the first flush of youth) are producing a “Calendar Girl” type calendar in support of the Torrevieja Stroke Support Group. For each month the ladies

will be re-enacting part of a day in the life of a Red Hat Lady…..at the Spa, at the Gym, at the Hairdressers, in the bar etc. To save the sensitive souls who may see the calendar there will be strategically placed items to hide their blushes and they will of course be wearing their Red Hat and diamonds. If there are any businesses out there who would like to become involved by either supplying a few concealing items or advertising on the calendar, please contact: TheBecksons@hotmail.com - who knows you may get to go along and help at the photo shoot!

Friday, May 6, 2011

OVER-PRICED! Who else wants rid of jumping-jugs Jordan?

YOU could be excused for believing the big news last week was, no, not the Royal Wedding but poor Katie Price suffering slight whiplash when a Jeep driven by her latest boyfriend hit and killed two stallions in Argentina. Apart from the fact that I was 100 times more concerned for the dead horses than for Jumping-Jugs Jordan and her entourage, it beats me how ANYONE can be the slightest bit interested in the goldfish-bowl life of a prematurely ageing pseudocelebrity. I spent nearly 20 years working for The Sun, Daily Mirror and Daily Star – but I rarely read Britain’s red-top rags these days. It’s bad enough that they cost four times as much here in Spain as they do in the UK. But seeing the rants of a talentless bimbo plastered all over the front pages day after day is enough to make me wish I was blind. I shudder to even mention her name. Every day without fail there is a new ‘‘story’’ about Katie Price and her latest husband/separation /lover/divorce/motoring conviction/attempt to pick her nose. There’s no story at all really – it’s just publicity for publicity’s sake of someone whose only assets are a distorted set of surgicallyadjusted breasts. As for her already-Botox-blown face, I sense a new Jacky Stallone

or Donatella Versace in the making. (God, those two actually make ME look pretty!), Whilst I quite like her ex Peter Andre – and he does have a decent voice (well, decentish!) - we all know that his appearance on the reality show which led to his romance with the Price girl was orchestrated to revive his flagging singing career. In fact, rather than call the show ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’, a more appropriate title might be ‘‘I Used To Be A Celebrity – Get Me In There Quick!’’ OK, the Andre-Price romance that subsequently developed in the Australian jungle was a story of sorts at

the time. But how on earth did it develop into a seemingly interminable spate of TV and tabloid soap operas? Have news values really sunk to an ebb where the day-to-day movements of a mouthy model are more headline-worthy than events that change the world? The tabloid press has gone crazy to the point that when Price and Andre inevitably split up, any man who moved in was destined to become a celebrity whether he liked it or not. As well as contracting foot-inmouth disease from the irritation once known as Jordan. Enter a transvestite cage

fighter (anything for publicity) called Alex Reid, whose biggest claim to fame was that he was once a contestant on the Gladiators TV show. Cue an instant red-top revolution as the back bench eyed a new target to continue the obligatory promotion of Betty Big Boobs with the Thick Lips and Too Much Slap. Anonymous Alex was suddenly Awesome Alex, albeit a multi-talentless addition to the growing volume of A-list nobodies. Andre had Priced himself out of the picture (and conveniently into his own fly-onthe-wall series). But for his successor in the love-hate stakes, the ‘‘Reid all about it’’ headlines were more than enough reward for Alex’s self-sacrifice as Caring Katie’s new puppet. I have long since stopped reading the titillating trivia, though it’s virtually impossible to avoid catching glimpses of headlines that highlight Price’s latest publicity-fuelled tirade. I’m not sure whether the obsession with the lives of so-called celebrities is the fault of the media or just an example of the diminishing intellect of the UK public. It’s not as if one needs any particular skill to become a celebrity. The fact is that in 21st century Britain ANYONE can become one. (Though whether the same applies in Spain, I'm not so sure) At times, it really is a case of the less talent the better – as portrayed by the late Jade Goody. Let's be honest, her only assets were her ignorance, big mouth and having a Big Brother with the frightening ability to

change people’s fortunes forever. Looking at the seedy background the poor girl emerged from, it’s encouraging to think that someone like Goody can be turned at the drop of a switch into a celebrity with millions in the bank. However, I find it uncomfortable that the media has the power to create instant celebrities – and then destroy them just as quickly. There was a time when the essential ingredient to become a celebrity was talent. Whether you were an actor, singer, comedian, sports star, you name it, there was no way into the public eye unless you possessed genuine talent. When I was a teenager, I had a friend in South Wales who spent years performing around the clubs in the hope of making it as a professional singer. In the end, Tommy Woodward changed his name to Tom Jones and made it big-time for the simple reason that he had genuine talent. Around the same time, one or two dodgy bands also made the hit parade on the back of good management and sound effects. But in those days it was a case of anonymity for life for most of us – including those with a lot more talent than the reality show ‘celebrities’ we are bombarded with today. Had she been born 30 years earlier, Katie Price would no doubt have made a living as a model. No more than that. But at least she wouldn’t have knocked the Bay of Pigs and Watergate off the front page of the Daily Mirror.

What’s all this pedigree, chum? CALL me a catty bitch, but I have to claw back at the Editor for winding me up over my comments on the pros and cons of dogs and moggies. I’m not saying that cats are the brainiest creatures on earth but in my world they are certainly the most mysterious and the most fascinating. If the eight breeds you named are the most intelligent dogs on the planet, then heaven help them if they ever apply for membership of Muttsa, or whatever they call the organisation for canine brainboxes. I mean, the Neapolitan Mastiff couldn’t even spell his own name! Actually, I don’t know that particular breed. I wonder if they come in three different colours… Maybe they also do Technicolor poo, who knows. How exciting! A triple-decker sandwich for their pals to stick their noses into - all in one lump. I love dogs providing they don’t bark, bite or poo all over the place. Scratch my eyes out if you like, but cats will always be No.1 with me. And here endeth this week’s furry story.

Friday, May 6, 2011

WHAT THE SPAN

ETA murderer’s botched release triggers a new party political split IT SEEMS the only thing Spain’s two main political parties have ever agreed on was the eradication of ETA. But now the botched release of an ETA member who had been sentenced to 2,232 years imprisonment for killing 22 people has resulted in an unexpected display of political discord as the country continues its fight against the Basque separatist group. The case has also put the spotlight on the workings, or rather chaos, of the Spanish judicial system following contradictory rulings by judges. Convicted ETA terrorist Antonio Troitiño was released last week after serving 24 years of his sentence for crimes including a 1986 car bombing in Madrid in 1986 – one of the deadliest attacks since ETA since it started its violent campaign for Basque independence in the late 1960s. Under Spanish law, the maximum time that can be served in prison is 30 years. But Troitiño’s lawyers convinced a three-judge High Court panel to release him early, based on a legal loophole that allowed him to include in his prison time, the years he spent in preventive custody while awaiting trial. The early release sparked outrage among victims’ families, as well as triggering an appeal by the prosecutor’s office. And last week High Court judges revoked their initial decision, issuing instead an international arrest warrant for Troitiño. The Spanish police believe that he has

Free: Troitiño leaves prison already fled the country and may be hiding in France. Troitiño’s release has triggered feuding between the Socialist government and the main opposition Popular Party, which has blamed the government for not trying to intervene in the legal proceedings and which last week demanded the opening of an investigation into the “judicial contradictions” that paved the way for the ETA killer’s release. The release of Troitiño is not expected to strengthen ETA, which has not killed on Spanish soil in more than 18 months and has seen its operational capacity significantly undermined by a string of arrests among its leadership, both in Spain and other European countries. Last January, ETA issued a statement calling for a permanent ceasefire – an offer that was deemed insufficient by the government because it did not include the surrendering of weapons.

FANCY A WORKOUT... IN THE NUDE? By Jake Monroe

JUST about every business in Spain is feeling the pinch, forcing owners to put on their thinking caps in a bid to entice customers to choose them over other competitors. A gym in Spain's Basque region has come up with an eye-catching way of battling the recession. It has begun to offer naked workouts for nudists. Easy Gym in Arrigorriaga is the first of its kind in Spain, pioneering the peculiar practice of stripping while keeping fit. "With the crisis we noticed there were fewer people using the gym," owner Merche Laseca explained to the BBC. "I'm not a nudist myself, though I have no problem with it. But this initiative is about the money." The gym did its research before opting to chase the nudist euro. It discovered that two local swimming pools already offered popular monthly sessions for bathing in your birthday suit, and in nearby Sopelana there is an annual mass naked run along the sands. There are at least 12 naturist beaches in the Basque region, and many more all over the Spanish coast. "We're always interested in new activities," explains Maite Vicuna, president of the Basque Naturist Association, who attended a trial run of the naked gym last week. A poll of the group's members showed 90 percent support for a facility offering the full range of nude workouts. Sceptics suggest that running full tilt in the buff might not be entirely enjoyable,

though. Sports underwear, they point out, was invented for a reason - but the gym owner denies her concept is impractical. "Being a naturist doesn't mean being daft. If a woman needs to, she can put a top on!" says Merche Laseca. "But there's cycling, weightlifting and the Stairmaster, there's lots you can easily do naked." Easy Gym stresses it does provide towels for comfort and "to prevent slippage" on the equipment. But some sporting types are clearly unconvinced by the concept. "Each to his own," said the owner of another (traditional) gym in Bilbao. But Idoya Echevarria added: ‘’I think it's the most unhygienic thing in the world. It's your clothes that catch the sweat when you work out. So where does all the sweat go, if you're naked? Onto the machines? The floor? Or onto the person next to you?" After all that research, Ms Laseca was disappointed by the low show at her inaugural session. Only four naturist fitness fanatics turned up. "But the people who came really enjoyed themselves," she says, apparently undeterred. From this month, the gym will operate every Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday - exclusively for the uninhibited. A teacher has already been in touch to offer naked yoga classes. Perhaps it’ll take on in the Costa Blanca...we’d love to hear from any local gyms who propose to follow this initiative.

Friday, May 6, 2011

NISH PAPERS SAY

CHE’S MOTORBIKE PARTNER DIES AGED 88

‘PERPETUAL SUSPECT’ EDY CALLS TIME ON RACISM IT was the third time Idrissa Abdoulaye had faced the same situation since he arrived in Spain from Mauritania ten years ago. Due to the colour of his skin, he was again being branded a prime suspect for a crime. And this time he decided once and for all: ‘’Enough is enough.’’ On the evening in question he had been out to dinner with Spanish friends and they all decided to have a nightcap at a bar in Alicante. When they reached the front of the queue, Idrissa’s friends went in – but the doorman pushed him to one side and told him to wait. When Idrissa asked what the problem was, the doorman replied that the police had given them orders to not let anyone black enter the bar. It was there and then, on February 21 last year, that Idrissa decided he’d had enough. A judge is now investigating his accusation of racial discrimination and both the bar owner and doorman face a probable fine. The bar owner denies discriminatory practices, but the doorman has reportedly admitted he was following orders as his boss believed that black immigrants were the reason clients’ jackets were disappearing. Idrissa, or Edy to his friends, has decided to fight for his rights “not just

for me but for my children,” he says, referring to his two-year-old daughter and four-year-old son, whose mother is Spanish, but darker-skinned than most of her countrymen fellow Spaniards. “I have been here for years now,’’ said the Alicante shop owner. ‘’ I work hard, I employ Spaniards who all pay social security, why should I put up with this? ‘’Racism is intolerable and we all need to stop it before it grows.” When he first arrived in Spain, Edy was beaten up by a group of youths in Pontevedra disco and spent the next three days in bed. He was also refused entry to another pub in Alicante a few years ago. He originally came to Spain with an EU grant to practise as captain of a fishing boat and went on to manage a construction company. But the crisis forced him to look for an alternative way of earning a living and he now imports and sells African handicrafts. His shop, Tomboctu, is in Castaños Street and he also exports European products to Africa. Edy supports the association Pro Mujer Mauritana (Promuma), which defends the rights of Mauritanian women, mainly in education and health, and organises solidarity caravans which take medicines and other essentials to his native country.

WE KNOW IT’S NOT LOCAL ...but it’s interesting! Ark Royal set to rest up in Gibraltar

A Gibraltar-based business consortium is planning to bid for the 22,000-ton Ark Royal following the Ministry of Defence’s decision in March to put the iconic warship up for sale in Portsmouth If the businessmen are successful they plan to turn the 30-year-old carrier into an exhibition and museum demonstrating the varying roles of the Navy around the world. Local politicians are backing the bid stating that it would provide a wonderful tourism boost for Gibraltar which has a long naval history. It was Gibraltar that witnessed the third Ark Royal torpedoed off the coast during the Second World War in

1941. The celebrated ship may now become a floating tourist attraction after it was decommissioned in March after 25 years in service or if the bid is unsuccessful we may well see her on our roads – recycled into small Korean cars… A spokesman commented that, “Having the last Ark here would be a tribute to her and all the others and we know how supportive the British public will be.” Mike Critchley, publisher of Warship World magazine, declared that the Ark Royal is far too much of a national asset for her to be dragged off for scrap.

Friday, May 6, 2011

PEG-LEG FAITH’S A WALKING MIRACLE PLUCKY amputee horse Faith has become Spain’s first equine owner of an artificial limb. And it’s all down to the fact that a member of the surgical team that removed her lower right front leg has a relation who specialises in prosthetic limbs for humans! Faith travelled from Rojales to Barcelona to have the amputation in a pioneering operation performed by renowned horse vet Gaspar Castelijns. The stump healed really well – and when Castelijns discovered that a member of his team had someone ‘in the trade’, as it were, a made-to-measure prosthetic limb for Faith became a real possibility. When the artificial-limb expert readily agreed to help, Faith travelled back to Barcelona the very next day to be measured for her

new leg and an adjustable walking cast was subsequently made. This amazing picture shows Faith taking her first small step on her 1,000-euro prosthesis. The fact she is bending her left front knee indicates that her weight is on her right front leg and the artificial limb. Another prosthesis will now be made for her containing a double zipper on either side to enable easier handling. The ground support will be made of soft rubber to absorb the impact when Faith is walking, thus avoiding problems with pressure points which in turn can lead to ulcers. The good news about Faith comes after a heartbreaking few weeks for Easy Horse Care Rescue Centre and the sad loss of Charity the donkey. Castelijns is hopeful that his team can avoid the problems

experienced by specialist equine prosthetic surgeon Rustine Moore, who had to make several attempts before fitting Molly the pony with the correct prosthetic limb. Molly has since become something of an ambassador in America. Rod, Sue and all the Easy Horse volunteers, not to mention Faith’s horsey friends, are now counting the days to her homecoming next week. She will be welcomed home with open arms and hooves as everyone has missed her so much! Easy Horse Care Rescue Centre receives no official funding whatsoever, and relies entirely on donations. You can sponsor Faith or make a donation on our website at www.easyhorsecare.net Alternatively please call Sue at the Centre on 652 021 980.

KIDDIES CORNER Weight for it: Faith takes her first steps on her new leg

CAT CRUISE HAS HAPPY ENDING

A cat that got trapped in a shipping container for 18 days with no food or water has turned up completely fine more than 2,000 miles from its home! Douglas the black cat often hangs out at a port in New Zealand. But when the staff didn't see him around much, they started to get worried. That's until he popped up in Adelaide in Australia, having spent more than two weeks at sea inside a container. The pussy has been

checked over by a vet and been allowed to return home. Australian quarantine officer Emma Brown said Douglas just appeared while they were unpacking the containers, "He just popped up, and he looked totally calm." Port staff aren't sure how Douglas survived for so long with no food or water. They reckon he might have drunk the condensation inside the shipping container or just slept through it all.

Did You Know? There is enough water in the atmosphere, that if it all fell as rain at the same time, it would cover the entire surface of the Earth with 2.5 cm (1 in) of water. All the pet hamsters in the world are descended from the same mother. This was a female wild hamster found with a litter of 12 babies in 1930 in Syria. In 1925 Sauer, a Doberman Pinscher, tracked two thieves 160 km (100 miles) across the Great Karroo desert in South Africa just by following their scent.

Friday, May 6, 2011

KIDDIES CORNER

JAPANESE KIDS RETURN TO SCHOOL

SCHOOLS in Japan reopened last week, more than a month after the 9.0 magnitude earthquake and tsunami hit. Japan has a year-round school year, with short holidays after each of the three terms. The next term was scheduled to start at many schools on April 8, but it was delayed because of the disaster. Since the quake, many schools have served as housing for homeless residents. In fact, some students are living in their school gym and will go directly to class from there. Hard-hit areas such as Fukushima, Miyagi, and Iwate face additional problems. More than 200 schools in those areas were destroyed or damaged extensively. As a result, classrooms that are still standing will be crowded with more students. Japanese schools can only

focus on the bare necessities, because resources are scarce, or limited. As such, the future of some school sports and extracurricular activities seems uncertain. Thirteen-year-old Yuka Chiba used to play on her school’s tennis team. “They started building temporary housing in the grounds yesterday, so

I'm not sure if we’ll be able to play tennis or not,” she said in an interview with the Associated Press. Many students living in affected areas have lost friends or relatives in the disaster. All survivors are still dealing with the aftermath. Japan’s Ministry of Education estimates that 207 elemen-

Jokes

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? She had mittens! What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot! How do cats eat spaghetti? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths! What is a French cat's favourite pudding? Chocolate mousse! What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!

What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw! How do you know if your cat's got a bad cold? He has cat-arrh! How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look! What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out at night!

Basic Wombat Facts:

Wombats are extremely strong and Wombats are mammals. very proficient diggers. Wombats are marsupials. Wombats can be anyWombats are native thing from a sandy only to Australia. color to brown or Wombats look someblack to grey. what like a little bear. The average wombat There are two basic is about 1 metre (40 kinds of wombat, the inches) long and Common wombat, weighs about 25 kg and the Hairy-nosed (55 pounds). wombat. Wombats are noctur- An adult Southern Hairy- Wombats can live nosed wombat is approxi- from about five years nal grazers. They eat mainly mately 10-20% smaller than to over 30 years. an adult Common wombat Wombats are generalgrasses and roots. They live in large burly solitary. rows up to 30 metres (100 feet) Most Australians have never seen a wild wombat long.

tary- and middle-school-age children are among the nearly 14,000 confirmed dead. Schools are guiding students through this difficult time. Counsellors and psychiatrists have been dispatched, or sent, to areas that suffered the worst damage. They are training teachers to help kids cope with the

recent trauma. In Japan, teachers play a large role in students’ lives. Many teachers set up temporary shelters after the earthquake. Hideki Toyohara, the head teacher at Okaido Elementary School, led students to the second and third floors of the school. He and other teachers took care of students and neighbours for three days after they were left without food, electricity, or water. Several international organizations want to help kids start the new school term off right. Save the Children, World Vision, and UNICEF are filling backpacks with school supplies. Noriko Sato, an official at Save the Children, tells the Christian Science Monitor, “Everyone really looks forward to the first day of school. We want to make sure there’s no gap in what kids have on that day.”

Friday, May 6, 2011

As the rich get richer the poor get poorer By Jake Monroe THE Forbes annual rich list, published last month, showed that the number of millionaires had risen in the last year despite the economic crisis. And so had their average worth (3.5 billion dollars). Most are still Americans but the percentage is going down, while that of the rich in poor countries is on the rise - especially in China, Brazil, India, Mexico, Turkey, Ukraine and Russia. A look at the list shows that in these poor countries, being close to the government is a better way to get on the Forbes list than being close to the consumer. The critical factor is the state, and not the market. On the other hand, the number of people who earn a dollar a day make up the poorest 13 percent of humanity. A recently released book called ‘Poor Economics’ by Abhijit Banerjee and Esther Duflo, both professors at MIT, is a very interesting read. The book is accessible to any reader and is full of surprises, which will change our way of thinking about poverty and how to alleviate it. The authors shun grand generalisations (“we need to increase international aid to the poor countries” or “international aid doesn’t work and is counter-productive”). They are also sceptical about affirmations unsupported by hard data, and are obsessive in obtaining

information directly from the parties concerned: those who make (and must live on) a dollar a day. Their central message is that policies to alleviate poverty often fail because they are based on mistaken ideas about the poor, their circumstances and their behaviour. Those who live on a dollar a day are not hungry. If they were hungry they would spend their entire income on food. The data Banerjee and Duflo collected in 18 countries show that food accounts for 36 to 79 percent of consumption for the rural poor, and 53 to 74 percent for the urban. Why did Oucha Mbarbk, a Moroccan in extreme poverty, make huge efforts to purchase a TV, a parabolic antenna and a DVD player? Why is it not true that having many children further impoverishes the poor? Why is it that the poorest people need to borrow money (at 42 percent interest annually) in order to be able to save? Why, for the poorest children, does going to school not mean obtaining more education? Every year nine million children die before the age of five and of these, one in five dies of diarrhoea. These are the children of people who live on a dollar a day. Many deaths might be prevented if oral rehydration solutions, the basic ingredients of which are salt and sugar, were more widely used. However, in India a third of children under five with diarrhoea never receive oral rehydration. The poor are not different from the rest of us. But until now we have treated them as if they were.

Buy through us and get your money back!

Sounds too good to be true perhaps but your local estate agent in based in the very nice Commercial Centre Rioja, Goldhouse Inmobiliaria / Property shop tell me that they have so many clients, that they can pretty much guarantee to sell your house within three months! Plus for all buyers they have a special offer: they will pay your flights (in full) and hotel costs - if you buy with them. Don’t worry because the Goldhouse team have plenty of experience in buying and selling Houses in the Spanish market having worked in the home-buying/selling environment here since 1998. Because they have so many customers, Goldhouse are always looking for good priced properties for sale – they specialise in the areas of Rioja, Los Dolses, Villamartin, Verdemar, La Zenia and Cabo Roig but can go further afield, just give them a call and have a friendly chat with one of the staff. sales manager, Monica Steiger is from Austria and our admin manager is Manfred Ohl who is German born both are vastly experienced and there to help you ease your way through the purchase, or sale, of your property. As you can see they have an international team at Goldhouse and the professional manner in which they work has seen them grow very quickly over the years. Pop along and see them at the Commercial Centre Rioja, they’re easy to find; on the outside of the centre - just between the Chinese and the Pool Shop. The centre is right on the canal between Los Dolses and Rioja where they have views overlooking the golf course and the Mediterranean and before or after its worth spending some time looking around the centre for a lunch or dinner in one of the very tempting restaurants. Or have a look at some of the shops – you could always have a chat about house buying or selling over a relaxing drink in the sun! It’s got to be worth a visit to Goldhouse if you’re buying or selling, and you get you money back if you buy – it’s so true…it’s good!

Friday, May 6, 2011

RICHARD CAVENDER

Bluemoon Solutions www.bluemoonsolutions.es

BlueMoon Solutions is the computer and IT services company on the Costa Blanca, they provide quality computer services at realistic prices and specialise in working with home users and small businesses. ADVICE: Charles bought a computer in Spanish and wanted to know how to change its language.

Richard moved to Spain four years ago having left his management background behind in the UK and decided to use his IT skills to help home users and small businesses with their PC problems. Now a relaxed 'computer man' he is out and about in the Spanish sun every day, making house and shop calls and using his vast experience and qualifications to (usually) sort out the problem there and then. Computers are his hobby as well as his work so don’t be surprised to get an answer to your email in the early hours!

ADVICE: Claire wanted to know more about the backups we covered last week Sir, I read your page in edition 10 of The Courier and was concerned about your message about ‘backup’. I have two copies of everything on my PC but in two different places. Will this be ok or do I need to buy a special type of DVD? Also my Spanish computer shop in the village couldn’t understand what a ‘memory stick’ was – is that like a memory card of a camera, as I have one of those. By ‘large’ do you mean a lot of memory? Sorry but not very technical myself but really enjoy your tips every week. Claire, Quesada.

Dear sir. Having bought a new pc from Media Markt in Elche I realised when I had got home that all of the programmes were in Spanish! I never even thought about it when I bought it. I don’t understand the language (Spanish) very well and not enough to find my way around this – unless a go on a crash course in Spanish! Can you suggest anything – a friend says he can supply me some software in English but I’m not sure how I would go about changing it on my computer. Also I’m wondering what happens if it all goes wrong?! I also understand that there are legal ‘doubts’ over using someone else’s software, or can I just copy it as my friend says. I’d rather hear your answer before I go ahead. Charles

Hi Charles, I wrote about this very subject some time ago in the Jungle Drums, here is a link to the article - http://www.bluemoonsolutions.es/is-your-computer-legal - the long and the short of it is that computers sold are initially set up with a single language operating system and once installed this is legally fixed – you bought your computer from a Spanish store so, understandably the operating system is fixed to Spanish. You have only two legal courses of action, the first is to return the computer to the shop that you bought it from and ask them to sell and install for you the English version of your operating system, this should cost a little over 100 euros and you should leave the store not only with your computer but also with the legally purchased English operating system – if you don’t have the CD and licence number then it’s not legal. The second, and probably better option, is to perform an upgrade of your operating system - I am assuming that you have Windows 7 Home Premium edition as that is fairly standard. The upgrade (which can be done online but is best done by a professional, especially if you are not familiar with the language) will be to Windows 7 Ultimate edition and is called by Microsoft an “Anytime Upgrade” and will cost 190 euros - that’s a fixed cost on the Microsoft for the product, your computer professional will doubtless charge you for their time also. The purpose of doing the Anytime Upgrade is that Windows 7 Ultimate edition has the ability to install language packs and you can therefore change the operation system language from Spanish to English (or any of the other 33 languages available) whenever you like. I realise that both of these options are quite expensive and that is why it may be better to ask the question before purchasing, there are a number of retailers here in Spain that will supply computer systems in English from the start. Please don’t be tempted to go down the illegal route and get your operating system “hacked” by a computer engineer to English; this almost always backfires months down the line when you find other problems start to occur due to the way in which the system has been hacked to be in English.

Hi Claire, if your two copies of data are in two physically separate places (i.e. on your computer and on an external drive) then yes, you have a backup. If, however they are both on the same physical place (i.e. both on your computer, but in different folders) then you do not have an effective backup. I think that you local computer store may have been being a little awkward as the usual term (there are many of them of course) for memory stick is “stick de memoria” – not exactly very different. With regards to your question on DVD’s, there are two main types, DVD R and DVD RW – just to add extra confusion both of these types come in two formats (+ and -). On the plus side it shouldn’t matter which one/s you buy, all modern computers are capable of reading all of these types of DVD. I would be inclined to go with the DVD R as they are cheaper and well suited to backups, however as I said last week, I would push you towards a memory stick as they can usually store much more information.

ADVICE: Jim needed some advice after cleaning his laptop keyboard Dear Richard, after having cleaned my keyboard on my laptop computer with a mild window cleaner, the keyboard has stopped working. I have always cleaned it like this and I’m wondering if by coincidence there is something wrong with the machine – or do you think it’s my cleaning methods? I really can’t afford a new computer, is this something I can fix myself by taking the computer apart and having a look? Should I unplug it first? Also some of the keys seem very sticky and don’t immediately pop back up again? Any help you can offer would be useful as I’m a pensioner and not fully competent with computers. Jim, San Pedro

Hi Jim, I’m afraid that you have been lucky all the times that you have previously cleaned your keyboard with window cleaner, most cleaners of this type contain ammonia and this could eat away at the material used for the keys. I suspect that some of the cleaning fluid has managed to get under the keys and has damaged them or damaged the cable that connects the keys to your laptops motherboard. You can check to see whether it’s the keyboard itself that is faulty or whether its some other problem by connecting an external (normal) USB keyboard – if the external keyboard works fine then you know for sure that the problem is physically with your laptops keyboard. In that instance your only option is to contact a computer repair company that are able to replace or fix the keyboard for you. With regards to cleaning in the future, yes the laptop should always be unplugged when you are cleaning it, you should also remove the battery to stop it accidentally turning on if you hit the wrong key, you can use alcohol based wipes, but above all you should take care, if you accidentally dislodge any of the keys, they are an absolute nightmare to get back on.

ADVICE: Lorna was having some difficulties after changing her printer Hello Richard! I have just picked up my first copy of Courier good reading - especially your page. I have a problem which maybe you can help me with. A few months ago I changed my printer/scanner to a Lexmark - can't remember any problems prior to this. By the way I am on dail-up with Telefonica as I only live in Spain 6 months & then on Orange when I live in France. If I try to send a file which I have scanned via Yahoo, I get a message in red which says "1 file cannot be sent" & I have to remove it. I set up a Gmail account to test whether or not it was Yahoo or not, and the files are accepted & sent. BUT if I send the files to my Yahoo account from the Gmail account I cannot open them! I think the problem is something to do with Adobe but I am not an expert.

Q A

Hi Lorna, I suspect that the problem is two-fold, firstly I suspect that the files that you are scanning are at a resolution that is too high to be sent easily by a dial up email account, you should try to change the settings for files that you scan to be as low a resolution as possible but still with the quality that you require (100dpi x 100 dpi) is usually more than sufficient for most email use. With regards to the inability to open files from your Gmail account, I suspect that you are missing Adobe Acrobat reader, this can be downloaded free of charge from www.adobe.com however I would warn you that doing this from a dial up connection could take some time.

Read Richard’s fantastic computer page only in Jungle Drums Magazine.

OUT NOW office@bluemoonsolutions.es www.bluemoonsolutions.es Mobile: 655 044 970

Office: 902 906 200

Friday, May 6, 2011

TURNING JAPANESE!

Get a taste of the east with our EXCLUSIVE guide to Sushi

So what is Sushi? Many people have a wrong perception about sushi being raw fish! However, this is only partially true. Sushi essentially means vinegared rice. It is garnished with veggies and in some cases, fish. Sushi recipes with fish topping are called nigiri, whereas those with only a piece of raw fish are called sashimi. Many people shy away from tasting sushi dishes thinking of it only as a raw fish. But if you

visit an authentic sushi bar, you will see various types of sushi dishes that are served with wasabi and soy sauce. Most sushi dishes come with a seaweed called nori.

Is Sushi good for your health? Sushi is considered as one of the most healthy and nutritious food. This is mainly because it contains an assortment of

vegetables and fish. Fish is healthier than meat and is very light in calories. Authentic sushi dishes are prepared using low fat varieties of fish. One thing that you should remember about sushi is that you can benefit from it only if you consume it in low proportions. Japanese are known for their dainty low fat diet which is mainly the reason for their terrific health. Unfortunately, the westernized versions of sushi are laden with calories as they are mainly served with cream and an array of sauces. Western sushi dishes

are also made from high fat varieties of fish such as tuna, yellowtail, swordfish etc. There are about 160 calories in sushi dish that is simple and traditional, whereas westernized sushi dishes can contain up to 800 calories depending upon the type of sauces served. Thus, the answer to the question, 'is sushi healthy' is 'yes', only if you consume it in its original form and in small quantities only. Have a go yourself with The Courier Sushi Special!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Maki-Zushi This is a simple recipe but one that requires a sushi mat to do the rolling.

Ingredients: •Japanese short-grain rice – 2 ½ cups. •Cold water – 2 ½ cups. •Rice vinegar – 4 tablespoons. •Caster or superfine sugar – 3 tablespoons. •Salt – 2 teaspoons. •Filling as per choice. •Nori – 6 sheets. •Japanese soy sauce – 2 teaspoons. •Pickled ginger – 2 teaspoons. •Wasabi – 1 tablespoon.

Preparation: •You need to wash the rice thoroughly in a colander till the water runs clear, after the washing, drain the rice. •Take a medium sized saucepan and to that add the rice and cold water and bring to a boil. •Once it starts boiling, cover it and lower the heat and let it cook for 15 minutes.

•Turn off the heat and let the rice sit for 10 minutes leaving it covered. •Remove the rice in a large mixing bowl. In another smaller mixing bowl add the vinegar, sugar and salt till it all dissolves. •Pour this dissolved mixture over the rice and mix well till it is all evenly coated. •Leave it aside to cool. •Take the nori sheets and toast them evenly on each side on the stove, take care not to burn. •Now comes the time to roll the nori sheets. Place the nori on a rolling mat and spread the rice evenly onto the sheet. Press down evenly. •In the middle of the rice, smear a line of wasabi. Be careful about this as wasabi is super-hot. •Next arrange the filling on top of the wasabi in a line down the centre. You can use smoked salmon, eel, octopus or shrimp as per your preference. •Now start rolling the sushi tightly to form a cylindrical shape. •Squeeze the sushi roll to make sure it is compact but don’t break it. •Carefully open the sushi mat leaving the nori sheet rolled. •Cut the roll into inch thick slices with a sharp and damp knife. •Serve the sushi with the Japanese soy sauce, gari and wasabi.

OFFICIAL! SPAIN HAS THREE OF THE WORLD’S TOP TEN RESTAURANTS

The votes are in – the world's best restaurant is once again Noma, a Danish establishment run by René Redzepi. But Spain is triple tops after taking second, third and eighth position according to Restaurant magazine, which organises the prestigious S. Pellegrino World's 50 Best Restaurants list. The United States figures twice, while France only managed one establishment in the top 10, as did Italy, Brazil and England (Heston Blumenthal's worldfamous but still tiny restaurant in Bray, Berkshire). "We weren't expecting this. This result underscores that the Spanish culinary revolution is still underway," said Joan Roca, one of three family members who run El

Celler de Can Roca in Girona, which jumped two places from last year to grab the next-to-best spot. Roca learned the news in person at a gala event held at The Guildhall in London. He quickly sent messages to his brothers Josep and Jordi, simultaneously hugging his wife and eldest child, who were there with him, and celebrated with his Spanish colleagues Andoni Luis Aduriz (whose Mugaritz made third spot) and Juan Mari Arzak, who was eighth. "It's a dream come true to see our people so high up," exclaimed Aduriz, whose restaurant in a Basque farmhouse literally rose from the ashes after being destroyed by fire. "We are going to be even better. This is just the beginning."

Friday, May 6, 2011

MEMORIES FROM THE ROCK By Suzanne Manners

since before the War. Rumours persist about the many ‘disappeared’ young men, presumably captured and shot. The disappeared still exist, like Chuckie, who many believe was the victim of a duck dive (when a launch, hurled by a wave, pitches bow first into the ocean’s depths). Some just disap-

THE moon was full. A gentle breeze ruffled the trees that clutched, like skeletal fingers, at the fencing surrounding the cemetery. The bump, bump, of a boat against the harbour wall, like the beating of a heart, could be discerned above the rhythm of Cicadas singing madly in the distance. It was on a night such as this that the young man was killed. He was one of the many young smugglers who worked out of Gibraltar. His work day took him to Morocco, where on a dark beach pallets of cannabis would be loaded onto a launch. Sometimes the cargo would be boxes of Winstons or Marlboros destined for La Atunara across the border in Spain. Out on the Straits, a Guardia helicopter pin pointed the launch and pursued. After a long chase, the boy was killed when the foot of the helicopter clipped the back of his head. He was only 19. Smuggling was not then, or now, a capital offence. Rumour has it that the pilot had his own agenda that night. Questions were asked in parliament and the then chief minister, Joe Bossano, demanded the pilot be brought to justice (he never was and many believed he changed his name and disappeared). The battle between The Civil Guard and the smugglers Cannabis from Gibraltar has been fought

pear, on the run from family or debt. Gibraltar in the early nineties was a very different place to the rich man’s playground and tax sanctuary it has become. The history of smuggling is filled with heartening (and some tragic) stories, from the Spanish peddlers in their row boats, risking life and limb

resin, hashish, Morocco, smuggling: The drugs keep

to smuggle fruit during the great siege to the more recent scenario of large Spanish women stuffing cartons of Winstons , baby milk, or cheese down reinforced knickers in plain view of customs officers, some of whom are family or friends. I didn’t know the boy who had been killed, but I met many of the Rocks’ smugglers when I worked in Rodolfo’s Bar on Sheppards Marina. These men were more like the characters in ‘Whiskey Galore’ than ‘Entrapment’. In many ways they were playful and innocent, and to a man, barking mad, the most eccentric people I have ever met and the most generous, humorous, endearing and interesting (of course there were dangerous men but they tended to be English or Portuguese). Lunchtime at Rodolfo’s would see engineers and boat builders from Sheppards boat yard; hard drinkers, beginning their first pint of the day. The boat dwellers, some of whom lived on Scots Yard (a graveyard for boats) hippies and travellers, people who forever looked sideways and were constantly twitching as if ready to run. There was Maggie, my best friend, who attracted every loony, psycho stalker in the vicinity- Annie, a Scot, who had lived most of her life in Australia and who now resided on a boat with her children. Annie ,who never bared her arms and always changed the subject when coming

Friday, May 6, 2011 asked about the father of her girls- Pony, a retired submarine captain who went everywhere with his dog Mr Beans (named for his 57 varieties of breed) who wore a different bandana every day and was greeted with love and treats wherever he went. Pony often complained that when he was with Mr Beans he suffered from a nasty dose of invisibility. Beans could drink a pint of bitter without side effects (unlike his owner), save for a wicked glint in his eye as he stealthily sidled up to an unattended sausage. There was Big Frank, the dirtiest, fattest biker on the planet who spent his days travelling to bike shows- Little Frank, a truck driver, of variable honesty- Mark, a hard drinking engineer, who died of liver disease. And a never ending list of shifty looking ‘yachties’ and dark men with London accents who gathered in corners and spoke in whispers (men you knew instinctively not to cross, men who oozed danger from every pore) like hyenas patiently eyeing a dying antelope. Then there were the late afternoon customers, the pilots and tourists from the cruise ships (who strayed in unknowingly). Sailors from navy vessels moored in the dockyard for repair or to take on supplies before the long journey across the Atlantic (surrounded by hard faced women who waited on the dock as they disembarked). Tim the tugboat pilot who once talked the hind leg off a barmaid and taxi drivers complaining about their fares (they hated the British sailors but loved the Americans who were polite and generous). Then evening fell and the fun began. Old Joe (the owner) would clasp his gnarled hands together with glee and dance to the

The Guardia are on constant surveillance for smugglers music of the cash register as news of a successful day would filter down from the upper rock and land in the ears of the residents below. The denizens would gather and eagerly await the conquering heroes. Women dressed as girls, smoking as if their lives depended on it, men and boys hoping to catch crumbs as they fell from fat pockets. The smugglers were well noted for their generosity. El Pulpo (named for his wandering hands) who kept look out on the Upper rock, night vision binoculars and GPS, purchased from Sergei the dodgy Russian, guiding the launches safely into Sandy Bay- The Philosopher, who was a high functioning illiterate, who could expertly control three different conversations at the same time and whose philosophy on life and counsel was sought by many- Mad Carlos, a taxi driver,

who had suffered a horrific accident in his early twenties when a speedboat landed on him as he sunbathed and who lived each day as if it were his last.

Then there was Johnny Johnny who drove a white Rolls Royce Cabriolet and wore a snake skin Stetson. Johnny, who was never still, who burst with life, no matter how full or empty his pockets were. His joy at each new day was infectious. He was one of those men whose presence turns a dull day, bright. A man genuinely loved and who loved genuinely. He greeted all his friends with a crushing, heartfelt hug. He danced with unbounded joy to music played at deafening volume in Buccaneers night club ‘Can’t touch this...’ he sang.

27 When I dream of Johnny (which I do often) he is smiling, gesturing wildly as he tells stories of his adventures on the sea (he was the best and most fearless launch pilot on the Rock). He said that if he could he would roll life into a Rizla and smoke it. If crossed he could be the meanest ‘hijo de puta’ in Gib. He was fiercely loyal and would growl quietly in a corner (plotting) if he saw a customer disrespect me or the other barmaids. I still wear the anchor pendant he gave my son, for his christening. Johnny died nearly three years ago. His body gave up on him. I guess when life is lived at such speed it is soon exhausted. His grave is decorated with dream catchers and feathers. There is a small photo, Johnny smiling broadly, in the shape of a book with the words,’ you were taken too soon...’ by its side. Johnny put death in a Rizla and smoked it. The killing of the boy marked the beginning of the decline in smuggling. Boat licenses were refused and the new chief minister passed laws that made buying and selling large amounts of tobacco, illegal. I’m sure people still smuggle, the old ladies still stuff goods down their knickers and the Aduana still turn a blind eye, but the launches and the lookouts, Rodolfo’s, Johnny, Carlos, Pony and Mr Beans, have all gone, replaced by large glass apartments worth millions, estate agents , high class yacht showrooms, bodegas selling £1000 brandy and bland, faceless businessmen. And do you know something? Gibraltar is a poorer place for it. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty!)

Friday, May 6, 2011

editor@thecourier.es Say it. Send it. Phone it. Mail it. or Forget it!

Carrefour make me boil - but not my kettle

Dear Courier, I bought an electric kettle from Carrefour some 3 years ago. After a year went by it stopped working so I took it back to Carrefour customer services thinking the warranty was valid. I was told by an assistant who was unbelievably rude, that the warranty was invalid. I then found another assistant who told me to take it to have it mended myself. To be treated in this manner by an assistant from a multinational store beggars belief. Never again will I buy an item from this store. Buyer beware, John (This item was from Carrefour Playa Flamenca.)

Why I will never shop there again Dear Sir, I purchased a DVD player from Carrefour Torrevieja about two years ago, and after

one month it stopped working. I always keep receipts and packaging after I buy any item, so I boxed it up and took it to the shop where I purchased it. I went to the customer services desk and in turn they directed me to the department in question. They told me I had to send the DVD player to the manufacturer by ringing them and having a courier take it. I tried to phone from my mobile from the store without success, so eventually a member of the Carrefour staff was kind enough to use the store phone and get through for me. I gave my address, name and phone number, then I was told to go home and wait for SEUR couriers. They collected the DVD player and gave my wife a receipt. One or two months passed, then my wife went back to Carrefour and enquired about our DVD player. The staff weren’t interested, and my wife filled in a complaint form for the total disregard for her request. Another six months passed, after which she returned to Carrefour and filled in another complaints form. As she was doing so the man who collected our DVD player was in the shop. My wife got his attention, he remembered collecting the DVD and then spoke to the Carrefour staff. My wife was told we would get our DVD player in around one month. We just put the whole episode down to experience. Two years later no DVD player. I will not shop in Carrefour again, very rude staff, no customer care.

We think that once they get around to responding to us they will see the error of their ways and do something about their apparently lousy customer service. Until then…well…we can hope, can’t we? ED.

Gee, where have you been hiding? I am a regular visitor to the Guardamar area and have to say how much I enjoyed reading your newspaper for the first time. Unlike its rivals (and there seem to be so many) there is a real vibrancy about The Courier. And I'd love to know where Donna Gee has been all this time. Her articles are a breath of fresh air!

but again they refused the claim. Aguagest came next, and yes you’ve guessed it, nothing. The result was after paying for the repair the bill came to nearly 1900€. Therefore, a warning that people should be aware that from the meter to your house is down to you, the owner of the house. My sister lives in Alicante region and she gave me a notification that stated that in that region the water company has insurance for just this sort of thing. I took it to Aguagest and showed them but I’ve heard nothing more, although the lady said she would look into it. Apparently no insurance covers any one for that, so if you know of one, please let me know. Don’t loose this one, Jeannie

Mike Thornton, Manchester. Thanks for that Mike and as for Donna – she’s been frozen in a cylinder when she left the Daily Express and it’s taken a while to thaw her out… ED.

David.

Water leaks - you sure you're insured?

Hi David, sorry to hear about that, as yet we still haven’t heard back from Carrefour’s customer service department (yes there is!) following our front page story two weeks ago concerning the paint spillage.

I had a water leak burst pipe outside my house in the community passage (walk way).that resulted in a bill for 1600.32€. I went to my insurance and they refused to pay so next I tried the community insurance

Hi Jeannie, Having looked into it – yes there is insurance by Aguagest for this sort of thing in the Alicante region and it will cover a large percentage of your bill if you have suffered a leak underground or something similar. As ever, regional offices vary but it shouldn’t be too hard for your Aguagest office to find out the details and confirm either way. ED.

Quick but slick Hi All, Just a quick one to say thanks for producing something worth reading at last! Jerry (fed up with bowls reports) Green Lol, thanks Jerry xxx

STILL ON THE PULL? THE COURIER PUB & GRUB AWARDS 2011

We want to know because in August we will be holding The Courier pub & Grub awards for the region and we need you the reader to nominate your local…but only if they deserve it of course.

The six categories are: Bar of the year Barman/woman of the year Landlord/lady of the year

Best Value for money bar Best brekky Tastiest grub/Chef of the year We’ll be accepting nominations from now until the first of July and then our judges (who will have assessed each of the nominations) will announce the final five nominees in each category and invite them to attend the very first Courier Pub & Grub Awards.

The winners on the night will get a trophy, a prize and a load of publicity plus the right to brag for at least the next year! So come on, who’s hot out there? Who’s cooking with gas and making your meal or drink that little bit more enjoyable? We can accept nominations by email only and you MUST state your reasons for your choice and remem-

ber, the more you tell us the more chance we have of making an informed decision come the day. We’ve had quite a few nominations in – but we want more! Come on folks – does your local café bar serve your right? TELL US @ office@thecourier.es or call on 96672 6437

Friday, May 6, 2011

CHILDREN FEEL SAFER IN THE CAR WHEN MUM IS DRIVING SIX out of ten kids aged five to 16 claim they are happier and more relaxed when their mum is behind the wheel. Youngsters say their dads drive too fast, are more aggressive and lose their temper quickly when in the driving seat. They also think mums are less likely to suffer from road rage, don’t dodge in and out of traffic and are more considerate to other motorists. The GEM Motoring Assist poll of 1,279 children revealed mum’s driving is best – despite the fact she is more likely to stall the car or find it hard to park. David Williams MBE, CEO of GEM, a breakdown cover and road safety organisation, said: ”The research shows that while mum might not be the most skilled driver, she is certainly the calmest. ”Unfortunately many children seem to dread getting in the car with dad because his mood is unpredictable and they never know when he is going to get an attack of road rage. ”Dads seem more intent on getting from A to B as quickly as possible, whereas mums will take things slower and spend her time singing or chatting to the kids rather than getting annoyed with other drivers. ”It is important to make your kids feel safe

in the car and more importantly it is vital your children ARE safe in the car. ”Not sticking to the rules and driving too fast puts your kids in a dangerous situation and could result in as serious accident.” The study also found kids don’t like dad being impatient when driving and 83 per cent said he often drives too fast. Children also said more than half of dads shout at other drivers and 35 per cent said they felt nervous when dad lost his temper. By contrast, 70 per cent of children said mum sings while driving and 52 per cent said she talks non-stop. Two thirds of kids said dad was more likely to weave in and out of the traffic and change lanes at speed to avoid getting stuck in a jam. Despite having a good reputation with the kids, and being the calmer driver on the roads, mums still get in a pickle with basic manoeuvres required for everyday driving. Seven in 10 youngsters said mum was more likely to stall the car when pulling away from a junction or performing a hill start. And 64 per cent claimed mum was incapable of reverse parking. David Williams added: ”Unfortunately, the survey shows a third of children are embarrassed to be driving round by their parents – regardless of whether it is mum or dad.

GT Autos Los Dolses Trade Prices to the public

TIM and Yvonne are very proud of their achievement at G T AUTOS. One thing for sure is they like to keep their prices low and affordable, and believe in customer care, therefore all their customers go away happy. The couple have been in the car trade a very long time back in England and here on the Costa Blanca and having experience in the trade has proved invaluable in giving the customer what they want. For example, all their cars are marked up with prices which include all relevant paperwork and transfers. And all vehicles are serviced and valeted before leaving the premises. As part of the comprehensive package available from

GT Autos they have a wide variety of services which include a fully equipped mechanics workshop for servicing, repairs, itv,s, A/C ,diagnostics – in fact, you name it they do it. They also provide a valeting service on the premises Janes car wash provides a brilliant service from a simple car wash to a full valet. They also offer a breakdown service and the facility to take all major credit cards and as I said before, but it’s worth repeating, the staff are all very friendly and polite to all their customers, even me! But don’t just take my word for it, the guys tell me that anyone can go in at their leisure and have a browse under no obligation at all. The secretary, Paola, I found to be very helpful in Spanish and in fluent English. She’s the one who will deal with all the paperwork if you need transfers, reregistration of vehicle from English to Spanish or something else. If you’re not sure just ask her, I did. Spencer is in charge of the

smooth running of the garage and workshop, with the mechanics Rob and Ryan, and of course Spencer - Head Mechanic, who puts his hand into everything from running the workshop to car sales and any enquiries. That’s not forgetting Will who is always there and keeps all the cars spotlessly clean and is another one I found to be very helpful. Yvonne and Tim’s son and daughter in law Keith and Lorraine have recently moved premises from Elche to the Lemon Tree Rd Guardamar and their garage, Car R Us, has the same prices as GT Autos and they too like to keep everyone happy (Keith has been in the trade for a very long time) so if GT Autos haven’t got what you are looking for they may have. If you want to sell your car Call Tim on 66 22 11 995, Office Paola 966 448 537 Spencer 672 532 758 janes carwash 678 949 004 Collection and delivery available too!

OUT ON THE 5th EVERY MONTH

Friday, May 6, 2011 WELCOME to another week of great entertainment here on the Costa Blanca. Well after all the madness of last weekend with celebrations going on in people’s gardens, bars and even streets, we still have lots more great events coming to our area this summer. If you are an X Factor fan then you will remember Ben Mills (pictured) who finished in third place in season three in 2006, he is coming out Saturday, May 14, to do a one-night special, Kent based Ben has had great success after appearing on the X Factor, he signed a recording contract with Sony BMG and released his debut album “Picture of You” in March 2007 which sold over 130,000 copies. In the years since then he has travelled all over the United Kingdom, Europe and even the United States where he has received rave reviews. In addition

to pursuing a solo career, Ben has recently formed and fronts the Rod Stewart revival band, Simply Rod; he also continues to perform with his funk/ soul band Benzego. As well as playing both the guitar and piano Ben is also recognised as a very talented song writer which shows in his second album, “Freedom” which he released in 2010 independently after his decision to leave Sony BMG. So if you don’t want to miss this special event which is

also being hosted by the fantastic Nick Gold with support from Abba Elite then call Night Out Promotions on 966 732 215 or 672885418. Tickets are also available from The Post Room in Benijofar. A couple of other events to look out for next week is the May Fair starting on Wednesday (May 11) down in Torrevieja, a great few days of food, drink and great entertainment Spanish style. The folloeing day Bar Rosa in Los Montesinos has a great afternoon planned with some fantastic entertainment including Red Strokes, Steve Dale, Ian Hunter, Emily Hullmann and Mark Bailey as Michael Buble with a few surprises as well. The event starts at 1pm and goes on till 5pm, so get down early as seats will go fast as this is a free event with no tickets needed. Well that’s me finished for another week so if you’re a bar or an entertainer and want to appear in the gig guide or you have any events coming up that you would like me to tell everyone about then please contact me by email on mandy@starsinbars.org or call me on 685302529 or just visit my website www.starsinbars.org

Mandy

DATE

VENUE

ACT/ EVENT

OTHER INFO

FRIDAY 6th

Celtic Drop in Playa Flamenca Black Bull in Torremendo The Marina Bar in Torrevieja Novo Carthago in Los Alcazares Bar Rosa in Los Montesinos Inn at the Green in Entre Naranjas Mosquito’s Bar in La Florida The Black Bull in San Luis Gogarty’s in La Zenia Cheers Bar in Eagles Nest Hillside in La Marina Bonnies Bar in Pinoso Don Decades in Cabo Roig The Spanglish Bar in Dona Pepa

Cabaroke with Davy Jones Nick Gold Red Strokes Lynden B Double Trouble Tony Lincoln Cabaroke with Bono Loose Change Tony de Love show & Karaoke Showaddywaddy Legends Kye Jaymes Lorna Michelle Justin Sane Mark Bailey as Michael Buble

Starting at 10pm

Celtic Drop in Playa Flamenca Los Belgas in Gran Alicant O’Neill’s in San Miguel Evolution in La Fuente Paddy’s Point in La Zenia Temptations in Cabo Roig Courtyard in Los Balcones Manga Norte Restaurant in La Manga Lo Marabu in Dona Pepa Canadas del Romero Centro Social Fibber McGee’s in Campoverde The Stray Sod in La Fuente Gogarty’s in La Zenia St James’s Gate in Torretas II Tony G’s in Torretas II The Club in Quesada Maggie’s in La Florida

Cabaroke with Davy Jones Lennon & McCartney Experience Mark Bailey as Michael Buble Rhionne Bardoi Flamenco Night Pat Martin Lenny Mitchell Stars & Stripes Red Strokes Kye Jaymes Sunflower Valley Tony de Love Show & Karaoke The Control Stone Jon Summer Debbie Slater Justin Sane

Starting at 10pm

Pablo’s International bar in La Florida Morgan’s Bar in Eagles nest Snug Bar in Torre de la Horredada Inn at the Green in Entre Naranjas Bar Liquid in Cabo Roig Celtic Drop in Playa Flamenca Camping International in La Marina St James’s Gate in Torretas II Evolution in La Fuente Casa Ventura in San Luis Waikiki in Las Siesta

Cabaroke with Davy Jones Celina Deans X2 Cabaroke with Matt Christian Cabaroke with Bono Sunflower Valley Red Strokes Bill & Gordon Dougie Munroe Fun Music Quiz with Lynden B Jon Summer

Starting at 8pm Afternoon show

MONDAY 9th

Morgan’s Bar in Eagles Nest Celtic Drop in Playa Flamenca Evolution in La Fuente St James’s Gate in Torretas II

Lucinda Fire and Water Gregg Lomas Shady’s Quiz

TUESDAY 10th

Inn at the green in Entre Naranjas Bar Oasis in Torretas III Bar Rosa in Los Montesinos Celtic Drop in Playa Flamenca

Kens Quiz Nick Barker Quiz night with Darren James Cut loose

Starting at 9pm

Inn at the Green in Entre Naranjas Morgan’s Bar in Eagles nest Montes Bar in Los Montesinos St James’s Gate in Torretas II Paddy’s Point in La Zenia The Cavalier in San Luis Cafe Golf in San Javier Inn at the Green in Entre Naranjas O’Neill’s in San Miguel St James’s Gate in Torretas II The Cavalier in San Luis Bernie D’arcys in La Fuente

Crazy Bingo Curtis Fun Music Quiz Robert West Sunflower Valley Adam Slater Wardi Fun Music Quiz with Lynden B Sunflower Valley Strings Attached Woody Cutloose

Starting at 4pm

SATURDAY 7th

SUNDAY 8th

WEDNESDAY 11th

THURSDAY 12th

Comedy Show

Stand up

Elvis & Tina Turner Tribute

Starting at 10pm Rolling Stone Tribute

Stand up Comedian

Starting at 10.30pm Lively Irish Music Starting at 5pm Starting at 4pm

Starting at 10pm

Mixed Tribute Show

Starting at 9.30pm Trio Rock & Blues band

Friday, May 6, 2011

All systems TKO on a right Royal day

TKO were represented in true style at the Royal Wedding fiesta in Rojales with their big new rig, especially made for the many outside broadcasts, roadshows and charity events they attend throughout the year. Paul Cunningham Nurses and the Mayor of Rojales defied the unpredictable weather to stage a great fiesta to celebrate Prince

William’s marriage to Kate Middleton. The sun even made an appearance in the afternoon, encouraging even more people to come along and join in the fun. As the Spanish media learned that a live celebration was taking place, camera crews converged on the event and captured the entire fiesta. Live broadcasts went out on Tele

Cinco whilst other national channels recorded it for their news programmes. Local Spanish TV channels were also there, along with several radio stations. Our own Davy Jones, dressed in his best suit, ended up being filmed “marrying” the stunning Georgie May - and both were interviewed by television crews! TKO had a big crew on site to compere the many acts

that provided entertainment and keep the party rocking from their brand-new rig. With market stalls, food and drink, vans, games and live entertainment, plus the big screen broadcasting the event live, everything went like clockwork. A big thank-you to the volunteers and stall holders who worked tirelessly to ensure everyone had a great time.

TKO does it again and again and again!!! This time with the amazing Suzy G

Paul Cunningham Nurses would like to say a huge thank you to the TKO team for their continued support - The Sunday before Royal Wedding Fever took over, the lovely Suzy G and her supporting girls put on a Fantastic Show at The Black Bull in Torremendo. Paul Cunningham Nurses had organised Sunday Lunch on Sunday Night and the whole evening was a great success with people being picked up by mini bus from Quesada, Toretta II and Villamartin. Suzy G danced, sang and high kicked for over 2 hours, everyone had a great time, the food was excellent as was the service by a friendly team of staff and even more people came to watch the show after the carvery. Derek Rogers one of our special photographers has put together this collage of the show. For our next events please take a look at our website www.paulcunninghamnurses.com

Fancy hiring a broadcast rig? IF you need to raise the profile of your business, have an event, promotion or exhibition and would like the biggest and most-listened-to radio station to really draw the crowds in, TKO Media Group can provide the ultimate roadshow! TKO will take full control of your entertainment and publicity requirements from promoting the event, setting up the rig right through to providing TKO DJs, running competitions, great music - and ensuring your event is a huge success. The power and professionalism of TKO means you can rest assured your event will have exactly what it needs to attract the crowds and potential customers you are looking for. If you have a party or event and just need to rent stage and sound equipment, our fully insured and complete rig is available to rent on its own. You can hire our rig for whatever event you are holding if you don’t require the full roadshow. LET THE POWER OF TKO TAKE CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS OR EVENT! AND DON’T FORGET TWO OUT OF THREE LISTENERS CHOOSE TKO! Contact our Station Manager, Ian Rockford, now on 966 720 151 to discuss how TKO can help you, or email infokofm.com

WIN A MEAL FOR TWO AND WINE AT QUESADA FISH & CHIPS Pop Quiz May 6 1 He’s Gonna make you a star! 2 She doesn’t care how you get here, just get here if you can.. 3 Which group sang My White Bicycle? 4 Who was lead singer with Wet Wet Wet? 5 Which American female artist sang Young Hearts? 6 This old metal rocker was lead singer with Motorhead (nickname). 7 Who was the female singer with Fairground Attraction? 8 Which female Canadian singer songwriter sang Snowbird in 1970? 9 Who is lead singer with The Pet Shop Boys? FIND THE KEY WORD AND TO TAKE PART LISTEN TO CHRIS ASHLEY’S SHOW ON TKO GOLD, 8AM TO 11AM EVERY MONDAY. CHRIS WILL ASK YOU TO TEXT OR EMAIL IN THE KEY WORD AND THE WINNER OF THIS WEEK’S ANSWER WILL BE ANNOUNCED.

Friday, May 6, 2011

CODE CRACKER Code Cracker is a crossword puzzle with no clues; instead, every letter of the alphabet has been replaced by a number, the same number representing the same letter throughout the puzzle. All you have to do is decide which letter is represented by which number. In this week's puzzle, 26 represents T and 16 represents Y, when these letters have been entered throughout the puzzle, you should have enough information to start guessing words and discovering other letters.

QUICKIE

In this week’s Quickie crossword, all the answers are ANAGRAMS of the clue words: Across 1 Hangs around (5) 4 Fastens (5) 7 Stage show (5) 8 Mistake (5) 9 Dissimilarity (10) 11 Argued (10) 15 Living (5) 16 Incident (5) 17 Blackguards (5) 18 Taxes (5)

Down 1 Broad (4) 2 Creative (11) 3 Employees (5) 4 Use bad language (5) 5 Preparation (11) 6 Arranged (6) 10 Crush (6) 12 Tall woody grasses (5) 13 Failure (5) 14 A smaller amount (4)

Last weeks Solution Across: 1 Braise, 4 Earl, 7 Transaction, 9 Ridge, 10 Roots, 11 Net, 12 Sawed, 14 Haste, 17 Undergrowth, 18 Pane, 19 Debris. Down: 1 Biter, 2 Award, 3 Suspender, 5 Amigo, 6 Links, 8 Carthorse, 12 Slump, 13 Widen, 15 Sewer, 16 Ethos.

DOUBLE CROSS-WORD Solve the Double Cross-Word puzzle using either the standard or cryptic clues, the answers are exactly the same.

CRYTPIC CLUES Across 1 An irritation in the kitchen (4) 3 The French join English game (8) 9 Some tennis pros perceptively thrive (7) 10 Loud stringed instrument or wind instrument (5) 11 Did not walk round cowboy show (5) 12 Yet to follow a French irregular (6) 14 A thing hard to bear from one side to the other (6) 16 Charm listener by the finish (6) 19 A hindrance to progress, in the main (6) 21 Gives power to undergarments (5) 24 Stick out bent bugle (5) 25 Touching diplomacy by the Italian Embassy’s head (7) 26 Designing a dress, it is a catastrophe (8) 27 Back-seat model displayed grief (4)

Down 1 Put at risk adopting a measure like this? (8) 2 Blockhead takes a turn inside when it’s dull (5) 4 Recast, as I rub Big Bird (6) 5 A weapon for plunder (5) 6 Close look at sleep? (4-3) 7 Former prime minister’s garden (4) 8 Protective garment for a ragged clergyman? (6) 13 Growing credit squeeze finally hits perfume (8) 15 Festers the right joints (7) 17 Why the beginner can’t get a grip? (6) 18 Subpoena a man to see him squirm (6) 20 Bounders’ foot parts (5) 22 The summit of the damaged piers (5) 23 Retired? In what? (4)

STANDARD CLUES

Down 1 Regal (8) 2 Obscure (5) 4 Large subsonic jet (6) 5 Ransack (5) 6 Sleep (4-3) 7 Paradise (4) 8 Cooks’ protective garments (6) 13 Semi-circular (8) 15 Annoys (7) 17 Learner (6) 18 Squirm (6) 20 Foot parts (5) 22 Steeple (5) 23 In bed (4)

Across 1 Irritate (4) 3 Game invented by American Indians (8) 9 Flourish (7) 10 Woodwind instrument (5) 11 Exhibition of cowboy skills (5) 12 Not level (6) 14 Transversely (6) 16 Delight (6) 19 Fasten (6) 21 Waistcoats (5) 24 Protuberance (5) 25 Tangible (7) 26 Tragedy (8) 27 Cried (4)

Last weeks Solution Across: 1 Warrant, 5 Debit, 8 Rumba, 9 Needles, 10 Statement, 12 Eli, 13 Elated, 14 Ebbing, 17 Lit, 18 Stimulate, 20 Seeking, 21 Dodge, 23 Sated, 24 Earnest. Down: 1 Works, 2 Ram, 3 Academe, 4 Tender, 5 Dwelt, 6 Ballerina, 7 Tasting, 11 Apartment, 13 Enlists, 15 Bounder, 16 Tingle, 18 Spied, 19 Eject, 22 Die.

FILL IT IN

Complete the crossword grid by using the given words:

2 letter words At Go In It Me Or Pi Us 3 letter words Ado Ana Any Arm Asp Eve Hoe Lei

Mad Roc Sin Tan 4 letter words Best Beta Bias Camp Dirt Dive Knee Lamb Lens Line Lots More Neat

Ours Papa Rags Root Soon Tiny Tram 5 letter words Aorta Dandy Prism Tenth 7 letter words Allegro Dialect Release Segment

SPANISH-ENGLISH CROSSWORD Improve your Spanish - clues in Spanish, answers in English or vice versa.

Across 1 Tailor (6) 4 Equipos (5) 8 Carreteras (5) 9 Promedio (7) 10 Pigeons (7) 11 To gnaw (4) 12 Propina (en restaurante, bar) (3) 14 Remover (sopa) (4) 15 Arco (4) 18 Sí (3) 21 Trampa (para cazar) (4) 23 Happiness (cheerfulness) (7) 25 Razones (7) 26 Acontecimiento (5) 27 Robar (objeto, dinero) (5)

28 Cheap (económico) (6) Down 1 Raya (en tela, diseño) (6) 2 Escarlata (7) 3 Romero (8) 4 Les (a ellos, ellas) (4) 5 Down (physical movement) (5) 6 Saw (tool) (6) 7 Cintura (anatómico) (5) 13 Wastepaper basket (8) 16 Wallet (7) 17 Cigüeñas (6) 19 Sauce (cullinary) (5) 20 Fleamarket (6) 22 Despierto (no dormido) (5) 24 Divieso (médico) (4)

Friday, May 6, 2011 Across 1 What name is given to a light rowing boat or sculling boat, typically for one person? (5) 4 Which tree or shrub of warm climates that bears spikes or clusters of yellow or white flowers and is typically thorny, is known as wattle in Australia? (6) 9 What theatrical term now means ‘to divert attention from someone towards oneself’? (7) 10 Which black private eye has been played on film by Richard Rowntree in 1971 and by Samuel L Jackson in 2000? (5) 11 Which major Japanese manufacturer of consumer electronics products was formed in 1946 as the Tokyo Telecommunications Engineering Corporation? (4) 12 Which thick, sticky dark syrup is made from partly refined sugar? (7) 13 By what initials is the principal intelligence and counterintelligence agency of the US government best known? (3) 14 Which city is the capital of Samoa? (4) 16 Which hill in County Meath in the Republic of Ireland, was the site in early times of the residence of the high kings of Ireland? (4) 18 What name is given to ‘the place in which a cathedral church stands, identified as the seat of authority of a bishop or archbishop’? (3) 20 What name was given to an early form of trombone used in Renaissance music? (7) 21 Castlebar is the county town of which county in the Republic of Ireland, in the north-west in the province of Connacht? (4) 24 What name is given to a member of a secret society originating in China, usually involved in organised crime? (5) 25 According to Greek mythology what was the name of the place at the ends of the Earth to which certain favoured heroes were conveyed by the gods after death? (7) 26 Which Hebrew prophet in the time of Jezebel maintained the worship of Jehovah against that of Baal and other pagan gods? (6)

SUDOKU

Quiz Word

27 Thomas Stearns were the first names of which American-born British poet, critic, and dramatist who was awarded the 1948 Nobel Prize for Literature? (5) Down 1 In which game do two players use rackets to hit a small, soft rubber ball gainst the walls of a closed court? (6)

2 What is the surname of the Norwegian dramatist who is credited with being the first major dramatist to write tragedy about ordinary people in prose? His major works include The Master Builder, Peer Gynt, A Doll’s House and Ghosts. (5) 3 Which famous Italian motor manufacturer was formed in 1906 as the successor to a company founded in 1899 by Giovanni Agnelli? (4) 5 What name is given to a sealed plastic unit containing a length of audio (or video) tape wound on a pair of spools, for insertion into a recorder or playback device? (8) 6 What was the surname of the 13th century English poet whose most famous work was the Canterbury Tales? (7) 7 By what name is the branched horn on the head of an adult deer that is made of bone and is grown and cast annually, usually known? (6) 8 Named after the Roman goddess of the hearth and household, what name was given to a short wooden or wax match? (5) 13 Which southeast Asian country was officially called the Khmer Republic between 1970 and 19755 and Kampuchea from 1976 to 1989? (8) 15 What was the surname of the Italian composer who wrote the operas La Boheme, Tosca and Madama Butterfly? (7) 17 Which bloodsucking fly transmits sleeping sickness? (6) 18 What is another term for a bullock? (5) 19 From the French for ‘good word’, which phrase means a witty remark? (3,3) 22 What name is given to a claim or piece of evidence that one was elsewhere when an act was alleged to have take place? (5) 23 On which river does the northeast city of Newcastle stand? (4)

SALLY’S SIMPLE SPANISH TIPOS DE TRANSPORTE

Match these words with their Spanish translations then find them in the wordsearch. (Answers below) 1.AUTOBUS 2.AVION

14.MOTO

15.PATINES

j. walking, k. helicopter,

3.BARCO 4. BICICLETA

16.SUBMARINO

17.TAXI

l. submarine, m. horse,

5.CABALLO 6.CAMINAR

18.TRANVIA

n. cruise ship, o. van, p. lorry,

7.CAMION 8.CAMIONETA

19.TREN 20.YATE

q. car, r. rocket, s. skateboard,

9.COCHE 10.COHETE

a. yacht, b. bus, c. tram,

t. motorbike.

11.CRUCERO 12.HELICOPTE- d. bicycle, e. train, f. skates

1. Sting 2. Robinson 3. Going Underground 4. Chris De Burgh 5. The Mg's 6. You've Got To Hide Your Love Away 7. The Michael Zager Band 8. The Real Thing 9. Louise 10. Martine McCutcheon 11. The Who

ANSWERS

Code Cracker Last weeks Quiz Wordsolution Across: 1 Assam, 4 Spider, 9 Spanner, 10 Rigid, 11 Ibex, 12 Foxhole, 13 Cwt, 14 Flea, 16 Stew, 18 Ohm, 20 Lansing, 21 Esau, 24 Cello, 25 Eclairs, 26 Linnet, 27 Spear. Down: 1 Abseil, 2 Slade, 3 Mint, 5 Paroxysm, 6 Dog rose, 7 Red sea, 8 Croft, 13 Camisole, 15 Lanolin, 17 Glycol, 18 Ogden, 19 Purser, 22 Spine, 23 Alps.

7p, 8p, 9q, 10r, 11n, 12k, 13s,

Last Week’s Solutions

g. plane, h. boat, i. taxi,

Answers: 1b, 2g, 3h, 4d, 5m, 6j,

1. Which Solo Artist Sang Backing Vocals On The Dire Straits Hit 'Money For Nothing'? 2. What is Ray Charles' real last name? 3. What Was the First Number One Hit Single For 'The Jam'? 4. Who Recorded The Albums 'Maon On The Line', 'Crusader' & Flying Colours? 5. By What Collective Name Were Steve Cropper, Donald Duck Dunn, & Al Jackson Known? 6. In which Beatles song does the singer feel 2 foot small? 7. Who Released The Original Recording Of 'Lets All Chant'? 8. Whose 1976 debut hit was 'You To Me Are Everything'? 9. Who Had A Hit In 1996 With 'Naked'? 10. Who Left Eastenders In 1998 To Pursue A Singing Career? 11. Who Spent Four Weeks In The Charts As The High Numbers?

RO 13.MONOPATIN

14t, 15f, 16l, 17i, 18c, 19e, 20a.

music QUIZ

S Y B U T I RR OC DJ MD CR Z C E T HX L D ON T H Z V

E GQZ OOMN T B X MS A H U ML OOOA U X B E B T CI UONI X J Y K N C OE OR L OV I C MC I A I T E CB P A J A A Z T L N C U Y U A X K MP R A F UV L A B T RI I E A P RB F I E RI OT NT OC MOT OA T N I D A C A R E H O C WE A V P R M Q F B I F NT HOZ A I K I Q HRT A CRV B ORHL S I R A MB U S N U Z QR G E L I COP T E ROF RP B Z J CA B A L L OI Y N Soduko

Span - Eng

AUTOBUS

CRUCERO

AVION

HELICOPTERO

BARCO

MONOPATIN

BICICLETA

MOTO

CABALLO

PATINES

CAMINAR

SUBMARINO

CAMION

TAXI

CAMIONETA

TRANVIA

COCHE

TREN

COHETE

YATE

Quizword

Fill It In

Friday, May 6, 2011

Horoscopes Love Hate Relationship

nection. The truth is that, in spite of how real it may feel to you, there is very unlikely any real connection here. It is my advice to you to (and this has nothing to do with your age – I would offer this advice to somebody twice or even three times your age) seriously look at yourself and ask what you want. Do you want a frivolous “rollercoaster” relationship or do you want to mature and make worthwhile connections? Tia Maria

Should I Stay With My Husband

By Pandora Aries March 21 - April 19 Waiting for a lift to come is like going down the stairs, only less calories. See? "Thinking strategically" is a cop-out. You did what you did because you're a selfish competitive little person. Since last week you have been finding it harder and harder to have fun. This week may see a big change.

Taurus April 20 - May 20 The smoothness of your arms are testament to all your work in that area. The good thing about the internet is that no-one knows quite how disturbingly grotesque you look. The odds on you surviving the day with your sanity intact are low.

Gemini May 21 - June 20 The chance for change has long since left you. Speaking as a robotic horoscope monster, I can only wish you the best of luck when the revolution comes. Death is the stark figure in the corner that is staring at you and rubbing its hand-bones.

Hi Tia Hello I’m Simon, I’m 15 (though I consider myself quite mature) and am having a rollercoaster relationship with an ex-boyfriend that I don’t know what to do about (I am openly gay). When we first got together we were really happy with each other and everything was going great until we eventually broke up, to both our upset. In regret, he asked me back out, and when I couldn’t answer, ended up kissing someone else within my sight. We have a love/hate relationship and are constantly flirting yet trying to make each other jealous. We have both been trying to make it work with other people but don’t feel the same. He irritates me some times and has some form of bipolar so he has mood swings that can be testing. Despite the things that irritate me about him, there is something about him that I don’t see in anyone else. He can be upsetting and unpredictable, but other people I have tried it with just seem boring in comparison. He lies to me sometimes but I suppose I can do it too. He has treated me terribly in the past (I shan’t go into full detail) but there’s something about him I can’t let go. Sometimes, after all the stuff he has put me through, it makes me happy to see him sad, but I suppose I have a spiteful attitude and I’m not completely innocent myself. Do people ever change? Maybe he is the missing piece to my puzzle… Someone to love, hate, and be able to show all my true colours to. I am very confused about what to do and it seems to power of whether we get back together or not is in my hands. And, if you reply, please don’t patronise me because of my age, because if I was just a raging-hormones teenager, I’d be getting intimate with the next attractive lad that came along right now. Simon. La Marina Hi Simon, It seems to me you don’t really want advice. What you really want is to be told what you want to hear – you would like us to tell you to hold onto this “amazing” guy and that one day, yes, he will change and it will all be thanks to you. That isn’t how this is going to work. I can say with almost complete certainty that, no, people do not change. You cannot expect to change anyone. You cannot expect to be able to transform this boy. This is ESPECIALLY true in your case as the boy you’re with has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This is a condition that years of psychotherapy and even drugs cannot be expected to cure completely, what makes you think you could do anything about it? Further, you’re obviously a masochist of sorts. Other people have offered you more stable relationships, but you have rejected them as being “boring”. You enjoy the thrill and the supposed “emotional” depth of this con-

Cancer June 21 - July 22 Any jamborees you attend today are likely to be fun-filled as well as informative. Don't shun your naked body; express yourself in lots of new happy naked ways. Dear Tia, Please help, I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and we’ve been married for 11. About six years ago i realised i just didn’t fancy him anymore. He’s really let his appearance go since we got together but i felt it was much deeper than that. He’s also very controlling with the way he treats me. He’s even applied for other jobs on my behalf because he doesn’t like me working in a supermarket. I know he’s embarrassed about it and he keeps mentioning how much he earns. I told him how i felt at the time but he totally ignored what i said and made no effort to change anything. Since then i have grown to resent him more and the way he’s treated me. He makes me feel second class. Sex is awful because even though i still love him i have no sexual desire for him at all. About two months ago i started having an affair with a guy I’ve known for about 25 years. It’s made me realise what I’ve been missing for so long. I’ve confessed to my husband but he’s devastated. He said he hadn’t realised there was anything wrong with our relationship and wants us to try and work it out. He is a good father to our little boy who’s 7 and financially we're comfortable. Should i stay with my husband even though im no longer in love with him for the sake of security for myself and my child or should i follow my heart and try to find the love i want? Margaret via email Hi Margaret, I’m sorry to hear your story is so sad but I’d say try to make it work – for your and your baby’s sake. Please go see a counsellor with your husband. It’s OK to lose the spark after 18 years of being together, try to reignite it. It won’t be impossible. While in therapy, tell your husband about how you find his behaviour controlling. Things can change. (I’m assuming that your husband is not abusing you (mentally/physically) in which case I’d say run!) Good Luck, Tia Maria

Battery Operated

Pig Race Night be

The Delfin Bar

Miss Piggy

Los Urrutias

rky

8pm.Saturday 21st May

Any jamborees you attend today are likely to be fun-filled as well as informative. Don't shun your naked body; express yourself in lots of new happy naked ways.

Virgo August 23 - September 22 If it's laughter you're after then don't stop to shine your buttons spooky people are around and they still have four of my teeth which they plan to sell to local travellers. All that you are may be called into question today when someone calls you a "nancy".

Libra September 23 - October 22 Although a hangover still makes you feel like a dead thing, stop moaning on about it. It's going to be one of those days, I really, really apologise….but it is.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21 Bovine tendencies may start to come out today as you....MOOOOOO!!! Excuse me. Duty calls, and your duty is to make people aware that you are not who they think you are. Nor are they who they think they themselves are.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 You may find solace in someone's choice of underwear today. Apocalyptic dreams may haunt you for the next few months, but may not mean that you're crazy.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Seeing is believing!

Leo July 23 - August 22

Mr Streaky The Bacon Stakes

Avoiding the cracks on pavements can seem like a fun game, and probably is. Your ability to play this game may be affected by one or more broken legs.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts with icecream and bacon bits may revive them, to an extent.

hosted by the bookies friend

Ivor Baker Full menu available. BACON BUTTIES courtesy of the losing Porkers !!

Pisces February 19 - March 20 Opening the window in your bedroom will be like opening your bowel, today. Limericks are great, but perhaps you might avoid talking incessantly in one large storybook of tall tales.

Friday, May 6, 2011

WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ON THE TELLY..? EastEnders

Magnum Force (Film,1973)

Friday, May 6th BBC 1 9:00pm-9:30pm A nihilistic Jack finds himself being comforted by Rainie as he continues on his path of self-destruction. Max anxiously awaits Tanya's return from honeymoon, and Carol is heartened when Dot swallows her pride and agrees to receive a carer. Meanwhile, battle commences over in the Beale household as Jane and Ian declare war.

Coronation Street

ITV1 Monday, May 9th, 9:30pm to 10:00pm Becky's outrage backfires as Steve delivers some home truths. Claudia reels as she meets 'Marcia' for the first time. Tyrone struggles to adjust to single life on a night out with the lads.

ITV1 Saturday, May 7th, 11:15pm to 01:25am The second action thriller in the Dirty Harry series sees maverick cop Harry Callahan investigating the slaying of some of the West Coast's most powerful criminals. Dismissing the theory that the murders are the result of underworld squabbling, Callahan learns that each of the victims was killed by a slug from a.357 Magnum - a weapon widely used within the San Francisco Police Department.

The Apprentice

NEW SERIES! BBC 1 Tuesday, May 10th, 10:00pm to 11:00pm 250 Pounds Business Start Up. Lord Sugar meets a fresh batch of candidates as the business-based reality series returns. The stakes are higher than ever - instead of a six-figure salary, the candidates are vying for one life changing opportunity: a 250,000-pound investment to start their own company, with Lord Sugar as their business partner. Lord Sugar wastes no time showing the candidates he means business, using the first task to challenge his potential partners' entrepreneurial skills. Each team is given 250 pounds to invest in fresh fruit and vegetables, and Lord Sugar makes it clear that he expects a high return. Packed off to New Covent Garden Market, the teams race to buy the best produce at the cheapest price and set to work adding value to their haul by making juices, fruit salads and soups, and pasta to tempt London's hungry workforce. With the pressure on to exploit both the lucrative breakfast and lunch trade, it is not long before the tension rises and the blame game begins.

Friday 6th May 00:35 Vote 2011 07:00 Breakfast 10:15 Animal 24:7 11:00 Homes Under the Hammer 12:00 Don’t Get Done, Get Dom 12:45 Cash in the Attic 13:15 Bargain Hunt 14:00 BBC News; Weather 14:30 Regional News and Weather 14:45 Doctors 15:15 Escape to the Country 16:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 16:05 Gastronuts 16:35 Prank Patrol Down Under 17:00 Remote Control Star 17:30 All Over the Place 18:00 Newsround 18:15 Weakest Link 19:00 BBC News 19:30 Regional News Programmes 20:00 The One Show 21:00 EastEnders 21:30 A Question of Sport 22:00 Have I Got News for You 22:30 Outnumbered 23:00 BBC News 23:25 Regional News and Weather 23:40 The Graham Norton Show BBC2 00:20 Children’s Craniofacial Surgery 01:20 BBC News 01:30 HARDtalk 02:00 BBC News 02:30 ABC World News with Charles Gibson 03:00 BBC News 03:30 The Record 04:00 BBC News 04:30 Our World 05:00 Secondary Schools: Poets in Person 05:30 Once Upon a Time 06:15 Hansel & Gretel 06:30 Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: Behind the Scenes with the Royal Ballet 07:00 Finley the Fire Engine 07:10 Zigby 07:25 Wibbly Pig 07:35 Little Robots

07:45 Charlie and Lola 08:00 Little Howard’s Big Question 08:25 Newsround 08:30 Trust Me I’m a Genie 08:40 League of Super Evil 08:50 Frankenstein’s Cat 09:00 Copycats 09:30 LazyTown 09:55 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 10:05 The Koala Brothers 10:15 Guess with Jess 10:30 Big & Small 10:45 Chuggington: Badge Quest 10:50 Grandpa in My Pocket 11:05 Mightymites 11:20 Nuzzle and Scratch: Frock and Roll 11:20 Dip Dap 11:45 Waybuloo 12:05 In the Night Garden 12:35 The Pink Panther Show 13:00 Vote 2011 14:00 Animal Park 15:00 Vote 2011 16:00 Flog It! 16:45 Helicopter Heroes 17:15 Pointless 18:00 Vote 2011 19:00 Eggheads 19:30 Great British Menu 20:00 Railway Walks 20:30 Verdict on 7/7: A Newsnight Special 21:00 Petworth House - The Big Spring Clean 21:30 Gardeners’ World 22:00 Monty Don’s Italian Gardens 23:00 Frank Skinner’s Opinionated 23:30 Newsnight

ITV

00:35 Martin Clunes: Man to Manta 01:30 The Zone 03:30 British Touring Car Championship Highlights 04:50 ITV Nightscreen 05:35 Jeremy Kyle: Morning Surgery 06:30 ITV Morning News 07:00 Daybreak 09:30 Lorraine 10:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30 This Morning 13:30 Loose Women 14:30 ITV News and Weather 14:55 Meridian News and Weather 15:00 60 Minute Makeover 16:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 16:59 Meridian Weather 17:00 Midsomer Murders 18:00 Britain’s Best Dish 19:00 Meridian Tonight 19:30 ITV News and Weather 20:00 Emmerdale 20:30 Coronation Street 21:00 Baboons with Bill Bailey 21:30 Coronation Street 22:00 Paul O’Grady Live 23:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 23:30 Meridian Tonight and Weather 23:35 The Cube

01:00 Japan Disaster Benefit 01:50 The JD Set: Glasgow 02:05 4Play: Frankie and the Heartstrings 02:15 Bruce Springsteen: London Calling - Live in Hyde Park 03:10 The Last Mitterrand 05:10 Hill Street Blues 06:00 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 06:25 Countdown 07:10 The Hoobs 08:00 Freshly Squeezed 08:30 Everybody Loves Raymond 09:00 Frasier 09:30 Friends 10:00 Wife Swap USA 10:55 Relocation, Relocation 11:55 A Place by the Sea 13:00 Channel 4 News Summary 13:05 Make Do & Mend 13:35 The TV Book Club 14:05 Jamie at Home 14:35 Channel 4 Racing 16:10 Countdown 17:00 Deal or No Deal 18:00 Come Dine with Me 19:00 The Simpsons 19:30 Hollyoaks 20:00 Channel 4 News 20:55 4thought.tv 21:00 A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 22:00 The Million Pound Drop Live 23:25 Jimmy Carr: Telling Jokes

00:50 Cops in Crisis 01:10 SuperCasino 05:00 Meals in Moments 05:10 Brian Sewell’s Grand Tour 05:55 County Secrets 06:10 Wildlife SOS 06:35 House Doctor 07:00 Thomas & Friends 07:10 The Beeps 07:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 07:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 07:40 Peppa Pig 07:55 Milkshake! Music Box 08:00 Little Princess 08:15 The Mr Men Show 08:30 Thomas & Friends 08:45 Make Way for Noddy 09:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 09:15 Peppa Pig 09:30 Roary the Racing Car 09:40 Olivia 09:50 The WotWots 10:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 10:15 The Wright Stuff 12:05 Extreme Fishing with Robson Green 13:05 Meals in Moments 13:10 5 News Lunchtime 13:20 Law & Order 14:15 Home and Away 14:45 Neighbours 15:15 The Vanessa Show 16:05 Chinese Food in Minutes 16:10 Flood: a River’s Rampage 18:00 5 News at 5 18:30 Neighbours 19:00 Home and Away 19:25 OK! TV 20:00 5 News at 7 20:30 Fifth Gear 21:00 Ice Road Truckers 22:00 The Mentalist 23:00 Law & Order 23:55 The Walking Dead

PETWORTH HOUSE

New series. Andrew Graham-Dixon goes behind the scenes of Petworth House, spending a winter working with the National Trust's conservation team at the stately home in West Sussex. He gets up close and personal with a Turner painting, vacuums a rare rug and learns the secrets of a book that predates the invention of printing.

Saturday 7th May 00:25 The National Lottery Friday Night Draws 00:35 The One Show 01:35 Assault on Precinct 13 03:05 The Hairy Bikers: Mums Know Best 04:05 Countryfile 05:05 Great British Railway Journeys 05:35 Five Minutes With 06:00 BBC News 07:00 Breakfast 11:00 Saturday Kitchen Live 12:30 Football Focus 13:10 BBC News; Regional News and Weather 13:30 Match of the Day Live 16:00 Live Challenge Cup Rugby League 17:00 Final Score 18:10 BBC News; Regional News and Weather 18:35 Don’t Scare the Hare 19:15 Doctor Who 20:00 So You Think You Can Dance Live 21:05 The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins 21:55 So You Think You Can Dance 22:25 Casualty 23:15 BBC News; Weather 23:35 Match of the Day BBC2 00:35 01:35 03:15 03:30 04:00 04:30 04:45 05:00 05:30 05:35

Later with Jools Holland Lawn Dogs BBC News The Weather Show BBC News Click Newswatch BBC News Five Minutes With Close

07:00 Wibbly Pig 07:10 Penelope 07:15 Toddworld 07:25 Tinga Tinga Tales 07:45 Charlie and Lola 08:00 One Minute Wonders 08:30 Arthur 08:55 Shaun the Sheep 09:00 Fee Fi Fo Yum 09:30 Prank Patrol Down Under 10:00 Dick & Dom Go Wild 10:30 Serious Explorers: Livingstone 11:00 Relic: Guardians of the Museum 11:25 League of Super Evil 11:35 Wolverine and the X-Men 12:00 Formula 1: The Turkish Grand Prix - Qualifying 14:30 The Sky at Night 14:50 Diagnosis Murder 15:35 Legend 17:00 Live Challenge Cup Rugby League 18:30 Flog It! 19:00 Carry On at Your Convenience 20:30 Dad’s Army 21:00 Versailles: The Dream of a King 22:00 Have I Got a Bit More News for You 22:45 Hattie

ITV

00:35 Take Me Out 01:30 The Zone 03:30 In Plain Sight 04:15 ITV Nightscreen 06:30 ITV Morning News 07:00 Mini CITV 08:25 CITV 09:25 House Gift 10:25 Coronation Street 13:10 This Morning: Saturday 14:10 ITV News and Weather 14:14 Meridian Weather 14:15 Monk 15:10 Totally You’ve Been Framed! 16:10 The Man with the Golden Gun 18:30 Meridian News and Weather 18:45 ITV News and Weather 19:00 New People Do the Funniest Things 20:00 Sing if You Can 21:00 Britain’s Got Talent 22:00 Piers Morgan’s Life Stories: David Hasselhoff 23:00 ITV News and Weather 23:14 Meridian Weather 23:15 Magnum Force

00:25 The Ricky Gervais Show 01:00 Fight for Your Right Revisited 01:30 Chase & Status: Live in London 01:55 My Name Is Earl 02:40 Freaky 03:05 Undressing My Mother 03:15 Farewell Packets of 10 03:20 Brain Damage 03:25 Ugly Betty 04:10 Hill Street Blues 05:00 The Unofficial - Royal Wedding 05:50 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 06:15 Countdown 07:00 The Treacle People 07:10 The Hoobs 08:00 British GT Championship 08:25 The Grid 08:55 The Morning Line 09:50 Friends 10:20 Koko Pop 10:50 Friends 11:25 Glee 12:20 Great British Hairdresser 13:25 The Big Bang Theory 14:20 That Paralympic Show 14:55 Channel 4 Racing 16:55 Come Dine with Me Down Under 19:30 Channel 4 News 19:55 4thought.tv 20:00 River Cottage Autumn Collection 21:00 The Untold Battle of Trafalgar 22:00 The Million Pound Drop Live 23:20 Stand Up for the Week

00:55 Cops in Crisis 01:15 SuperCasino 05:05 Motorsport Mundial 05:30 Fifth Gear 05:55 County Secrets 06:10 Wildlife SOS 06:35 House Doctor 07:00 Peppa Pig 07:05 Roary the Racing Car 07:15 Fifi and the Flowertots 07:25 Fireman Sam 07:40 Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends 07:50 The Beeps 08:00 Mio Mao 08:10 Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:20 Funky Valley 08:25 Noddy in Toyland 08:40 Hana’s Helpline 09:00 Little Princess 09:10 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 09:30 Mist: Sheepdog Tales 09:45 Rupert Bear 10:00 Olivia 10:15 The Mr Men Show 10:30 Gerald McBoing Boing 11:00 Meals in Moments 11:10 How Do They Do It? 11:40 The Gadget Show 12:40 Ben-Hur 16:50 The Train Robbers 18:35 The Green Berets 21:15 5 News Weekend 21:20 NCIS 22:15 CSI: Miami 23:15 CSI: NY

BEN-HUR Back in 1959, this epic was the most costly movie ever made. Charlton Heston won his only best actor Oscar as the chariot-driving, galley-rowing Jewish nobleman who takes all that the Roman Empire can throw at him, thanks to his traitorous boyhood friend Messala (Stephen Boyd).

Sunday 8th May 00:55 The Football League Show 02:30 Five Minutes With 03:00 BBC News 03:30 HARDtalk 04:00 BBC News 04:30 Our World 05:00 BBC News 05:30 Click 06:00 BBC News 06:30 Five Minutes With 07:00 Breakfast 08:35 Match of the Day 10:00 The Andrew Marr Show 11:00 The Big Questions 12:00 The Politics Show 13:10 Formula 1: The Turkish Grand Prix Live 16:25 Escape to the Country 17:25 Life of Riley 17:55 Points of View 18:10 Songs of Praise 18:45 BBC News; Regional News and Weather 19:10 Land Girls 20:00 Countryfile 21:00 Antiques Roadshow 22:00 Atlantis 23:00 BBC News; Regional News and Weather 23:25 The Gatwick Baby: Abandoned at Birth BBC2 00:10 This Is Your Life 00:40 Later with Jools Holland 01:45 Swimming with Sharks

03:15 Close 07:00 Wibbly Pig 07:10 Penelope 07:15 Toddworld 07:25 Tinga Tinga Tales 07:45 Charlie and Lola 08:00 One Minute Wonders 08:30 Arthur 08:55 Shaun the Sheep 09:00 Fee Fi Fo Yum 09:30 Gimme a Break 10:00 Dennis and Gnasher 10:10 Bear Behaving Badly 10:35 Me and My Monsters 11:00 Something for the Weekend 12:30 Great British Menu 13:00 Priceless Antiques Roadshow 13:30 Britain’s Empty Homes 14:00 EastEnders 15:55 Live Challenge Cup Rugby League 18:30 The Red Baron 20:10 Richard Hammond’s Engineering Connections 21:00 Britain’s Secret Seas 22:00 Lord Sugar Tackles Football 23:00 Match of the Day 2

ITV

01:25 The Zone 03:30 Swingtown 04:15 ITV Nightscreen 06:30 ITV Morning News 07:00 Mini CITV 08:25 CITV 09:25 May the Best House Win 10:25 Dickinson’s Real Deal 11:25 Sing if You Can 12:30 This Morning: Sunday 13:30 Dinner Date 14:30 ITV News and Weather 14:39 Meridian Weather 14:40 Columbo: Prescription Murder 16:40 Britain’s Got Talent 17:40 About a Boy 19:30 Meridian News and Weather 19:45 ITV News and Weather 20:00 The Cube 21:00 Vera 23:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 23:14 Meridian Weather 23:15 Perspectives: Robson Green and the Pitmen Painters

00:10 What Lies Beneath 02:35 Atlantic 02:40 No, No, No 02:45 Lucky Escape 02:50 Gone Fishing 03:05 Ugly Betty 03:50 Running in Heels 05:25 Hill Street Blues 06:15 Countdown 07:00 The Treacle People 07:10 The Hoobs 08:00 That Paralympic Show 08:30 Freesports on 4 08:55 The Crush 09:20 Friends 09:50 Hollyoaks 12:20 Being N-Dubz in America and Beyond 12:55 Glee 13:50 The Simpsons 14:55 Celebrity Coach Trip 17:30 Deal or No Deal 18:30 Time Team 19:30 Channel 4 News 19:55 4thought.tv 20:00 Come Dine with Me 21:00 The Hotel 22:00 How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

00:15 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 01:15 SuperCasino 05:00 Animal Rescue Squad 05:10 Nick’s Quest 05:35 HouseBusters 06:00 Hana’s Helpline 06:10 The Milkshake! Show 06:35 Thomas & Friends 06:45 Roary the Racing Car 07:00 Peppa Pig 07:05 Roary the Racing Car 07:15 Fifi and the Flowertots 07:25 Fireman Sam 07:40 Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends 07:50 The Beeps 08:00 Mio Mao 08:10 Chiro 08:15 Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08:30 Noddy in Toyland 08:40 Hana’s Helpline 08:55 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 09:00 Little Princess 09:15 Funky Valley 09:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 09:30 Mist: Sheepdog Tales 09:45 Rupert Bear 10:00 Olivia 10:15 The Mr Men Show 10:30 Gerald McBoing Boing 11:00 OK! TV Sunday 12:00 Extreme Fishing with Robson Green 13:00 Ice Road Truckers 14:00 The Hotel Inspector 15:00 The King’s Speech: Revealed 16:00 Short Circuit 2 18:05 5 News Weekend 18:10 Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger 20:25 X2 23:00 The Walking Dead

BRITAIN'S SECRET SEAS

New series. Explorer Paul Rose teams up with biologist Tooni Mahto and underwater archaeologist Frank Pope to explore the secrets of the waters surrounding Britain. The trio begin by highlighting marine life in and around the western seas, including basking sharks off the Cornish shore and spider crabs in the shallows of South Wales.

Monday 9th May 00:25 Irresistible 02:05 MasterChef 03:05 Holby City 04:05 Churches: How to Read Them 04:35 Five Minutes With 05:00 BBC News 05:30 HARDtalk 06:00 The World Today 06:30 World Business Report 07:00 Breakfast 10:15 Missing 2011 11:00 Homes Under the Hammer 12:00 Don’t Get Done, Get Dom 12:45 Cash in the Attic 13:15 Bargain Hunt 14:00 BBC News; Weather 14:30 Regional News and Weather 14:45 Doctors 15:15 Escape to the Country 16:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 16:05 Gastronuts 16:40 Prank Patrol Down Under 17:00 Sadie J 17:30 Blue Peter 17:55 Shaun the Sheep 18:00 Newsround 18:15 Weakest Link 19:00 BBC News 19:30 Regional News Programmes 20:00 The One Show 20:30 Saints and Scroungers 21:00 EastEnders 21:30 Track My Trash: Panorama 22:00 Wootton Bassett: The Town That Remembers 23:00 BBC News 23:25 Regional News and Weather 23:35 A Question of Sport BBC2 00:10 01:10 02:50 03:00 03:30 04:00 04:30 04:35 07:00 07:10 07:15 07:30

The Shadow Line Ae Fond Kiss.. Reporters BBC News Dateline London BBC News Five Minutes With Close Wibbly Pig Penelope Toddworld Tinga Tinga Tales

07:45 Charlie and Lola 08:00 Natural Born Hunters 08:25 Newsround 08:30 Trust Me I’m a Genie 08:40 League of Super Evil 08:50 Frankenstein’s Cat 09:00 Wait for It! 09:30 LazyTown 09:55 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 10:05 The Koala Brothers 10:15 Guess with Jess 10:30 Big & Small 10:40 Buzz and Tell 10:50 Grandpa in My Pocket 11:05 Mightymites 11:20 Nuzzle and Scratch: Frock and Roll 11:45 Waybuloo 12:05 In the Night Garden 12:35 The Pink Panther Show 13:00 Daily Politics 13:30 GMT with George Alagiah 14:00 Diagnosis Murder 14:45 To Buy or Not to Buy 15:15 Real Rescues 16:00 Flog It! 16:30 Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is 17:30 Pointless 18:15 Show Me the Monet 19:00 Eggheads 19:30 Great British Menu 20:00 Atlantis: The Evidence - A Timewatch Special 21:00 Business Nightmares with Evan Davis 22:00 Children’s Craniofacial Surgery 23:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 23:30 Newsnight

ITV

00:15 Surgery School 01:15 Premiership Rugby Union 02:00 The Zone 03:00 British Superbike Championship Highlights 03:55 Motorsport UK 04:45 ITV Nightscreen 06:30 ITV Morning News 07:00 Daybreak 09:30 Lorraine 10:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30 This Morning 13:30 Loose Women 14:30 ITV News and Weather 14:55 Meridian News and Weather 15:00 60 Minute Makeover 16:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 16:59 Meridian Weather 17:00 Midsomer Murders 18:00 Britain’s Best Dish 19:00 Weather 19:30 ITV News and Weather 20:00 Emmerdale 20:30 Coronation Street 21:00 The Dales 21:30 Coronation Street 22:00 Strangeways 23:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 23:30 Meridian Tonight and Weather 23:35 The Shawshank Redemption

00:10 Big Momma’s House 02:00 Japan Disaster Benefit 02:45 Kontroll 04:45 Civilization: Is the West History? 05:40 Great British Brands 05:55 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 06:20 Countdown 07:05 The Hoobs 08:00 Freshly Squeezed 08:25 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:55 Frasier 09:25 Friends 10:00 Wife Swap USA 10:55 Relocation, Relocation 11:55 A Place by the Sea 13:00 Channel 4 News Summary 13:05 Make Do & Mend 13:35 First Men in the Moon 15:35 Baking Mad with Eric Lanlard 16:10 Countdown 17:00 Deal or No Deal: Banker’s Birthday 18:00 Come Dine with Me 19:00 The Simpsons 19:30 Hollyoaks 20:00 Channel 4 News 20:55 4thought.tv 21:00 A Year Inside Number 10 22:00 Gordon’s Great Escape 23:00 28 Weeks Later

00:05 The Dentist 01:55 Rough Guide to Eco Escapes 02:15 SuperCasino 05:00 Animal Rescue Squad 05:10 UEFA Europa League Highlights 06:00 Hana’s Helpline 06:10 The Milkshake! Show 06:35 Thomas & Friends 06:45 Roary the Racing Car 07:00 Thomas & Friends 07:10 The Beeps 07:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 07:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 07:40 Rupert Bear 07:50 Peppa Pig 07:55 Milkshake! Music Box 08:00 Little Princess 08:15 The Mr Men Show 08:30 Thomas & Friends 08:45 Make Way for Noddy 09:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 09:15 Peppa Pig 09:25 Milkshake! Show Songs 09:30 Roary the Racing Car 09:40 Olivia 09:50 The WotWots 10:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 10:15 The Wright Stuff 12:05 Extreme Fishing with Robson Green 13:05 Meals in Moments 13:10 5 News Lunchtime 13:20 Law & Order 14:15 Home and Away 14:45 Neighbours 15:15 The Vanessa Show 16:05 Rough Guide To 16:20 A Stranger’s Heart 18:00 5 News at 5 18:30 Neighbours 19:00 Home and Away 19:25 OK! TV 20:00 5 News at 7 20:30 How Do They Do It? 21:00 The Gadget Show 22:00 The Hotel Inspector 23:00 There’s Something About Josie

STRANGEWAYS New series. Documentary following day-today life at HM Prison Manchester in the city's Strangeways area, which was opened in 1868 and is currently the largest high-security prison in the UK, housing more than 1,200 inmates. In the first episode, a new arrival enters the Category A unit on remand due to his alleged involvement in a multimillion-pound drugs conspiracy.

Tuesday 10th May 00:05 Late Kick Off 00:35 The Graham Norton Show 01:25 MasterChef 02:25 Sir Bobby Charlton: Football Icon 03:25 A Home for Maisie 04:25 One Man and His Campervan 04:55 Our World 05:00 BBC News 05:30 HARDtalk 06:00 The World Today 06:30 World Business Report 07:00 Breakfast 10:15 Missing 2011 11:00 Homes Under the Hammer 12:00 Don’t Get Done, Get Dom 12:45 Cash in the Attic 13:15 Bargain Hunt 14:00 BBC News; Weather 14:30 Regional News and Weather 14:45 Doctors 15:15 Escape to the Country 16:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 16:05 Gastronuts 16:40 Wingin’ It 17:00 Dead Gorgeous 17:30 Blue Peter 17:55 Shaun the Sheep 18:00 Newsround 18:15 Weakest Link 19:00 BBC News 19:30 Regional News Programmes 20:00 The One Show 20:30 EastEnders 21:00 Holby City 22:00 The Apprentice 23:00 BBC News 23:25 Regional News and Weather 23:35 See You in Court

07:10 Penelope 07:15 Toddworld 07:30 Tinga Tinga Tales 07:45 Charlie and Lola 08:00 Natural Born Hunters 08:25 Newsround 08:30 Trust Me I’m a Genie 08:40 League of Super Evil 08:50 Frankenstein’s Cat 09:00 Wait for It! 09:30 LazyTown 09:55 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 10:05 The Koala Brothers 10:15 Guess with Jess 10:30 Big & Small 10:40 Buzz and Tell 10:50 Grandpa in My Pocket 11:05 Mightymites 11:20 Nuzzle and Scratch: Frock and Roll 11:45 Waybuloo 12:05 In the Night Garden 12:35 The Pink Panther Show 13:00 Daily Politics 13:30 GMT with George Alagiah 14:00 Diagnosis Murder 14:45 To Buy or Not to Buy 15:15 Real Rescues 16:00 Flog It! 16:30 Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is 17:30 Pointless 18:15 Show Me the Monet 19:00 Eggheads 19:30 Great British Menu 20:00 Britain’s Secret Seas 21:00 Britain’s Next Big Thing 22:00 The Country House Revealed 23:00 The Apprentice: You’re Fired! 23:30 Newsnight

ITV

02:10 The Zone 04:15 UEFA Champions League Weekly 04:40 ITV Nightscreen 05:35 The Jeremy Kyle Show 06:30 ITV Morning News 07:00 Daybreak 09:30 Lorraine 10:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30 This Morning 13:30 Loose Women 14:30 ITV News and Weather 14:55 Meridian News and Weather 15:00 60 Minute Makeover 16:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 16:59 Meridian Weather 17:00 Midsomer Murders 18:00 Britain’s Best Dish 19:00 Meridian Tonight 19:30 ITV News and Weather 20:00 Emmerdale 20:30 Military Driving School 21:00 Countrywise 22:00 Home Is Where the Heart Is 23:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 23:30 Meridian Tonight and Weather 23:35 Mars Attacks!

01:00 The Event 01:55 Poker 02:50 The Last Days of the Raj 04:20 Churchill’s Darkest Decision 05:15 Empire: How Britain Made the Modern World 06:10 Codex 06:55 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 07:20 The Hoobs 08:10 Freshly Squeezed 08:35 Everybody Loves Raymond 09:00 Frasier 09:35 Friends 10:05 Wife Swap USA 11:00 Relocation, Relocation 12:00 A Place by the Sea 13:00 Channel 4 News Summary 13:05 Make Do & Mend 13:35 River Cottage Bites 13:40 Journey to the Center of the Earth 16:10 Countdown 17:00 Deal or No Deal: Banker’s Birthday 18:00 Come Dine with Me 19:00 The Simpsons 19:30 Hollyoaks 20:00 Channel 4 News 20:55 4thought.tv 21:00 Supersize vs Superskinny 22:00 The Secret Millionaire 23:00 Campus

00:00 Heartbreakers 02:15 SuperCasino 05:05 Meals in Moments 05:15 Brian Sewell’s Grand Tour 05:55 County Secrets 06:10 Wildlife SOS 06:35 House Doctor 07:00 Thomas & Friends 07:10 The Beeps 07:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 07:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 07:40 Rupert Bear 07:50 Peppa Pig 07:55 Milkshake! Music Box 08:00 Little Princess 08:15 The Mr Men Show 08:30 Thomas & Friends 08:45 Make Way for Noddy 09:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 09:10 The Milky and Shake Show 09:15 Peppa Pig 09:25 Milkshake! Show Songs 09:30 Roary the Racing Car 09:40 Olivia 09:50 The WotWots 10:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 10:15 The Wright Stuff 12:05 Extreme Fishing with Robson Green 13:05 The Family Recipe 13:10 5 News Lunchtime 13:20 Law & Order 14:15 Home and Away 14:45 Neighbours 15:15 The Vanessa Show 16:05 Chinese Food in Minutes 16:10 Stranger with My Face 18:00 5 News at 5 18:30 Neighbours 19:00 Home and Away 19:25 OK! TV 20:00 5 News at 7 20:30 Highland Emergency 21:00 Supersize Grime 22:00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 23:00 CSI: Miami 23:55 CSI: NY

SUPERSIZE GRIME

BBC2 00:20 Richard Hammond’s Engineering Connections 01:10 BBC News 01:30 HARDtalk 02:00 BBC News 02:30 ABC World News with Diane Sawyer 03:00 BBC News 03:30 Reporters 04:00 BBC News 04:30 Our World 05:00 Close 07:00 Wibbly Pig

New series. Documentary following specialist clean-up teams as they tackle the UK's biggest structures and facilities, including sewage systems, tower blocks and sports stadiums. The series also reveals how nuclear power stations are decommissioned, and the methods used to keep crossChannel ferries free of grime. Narrated by Neil Morrissey.

Wednesday 11th May 00:25 The Lock Up 00:55 Night Watch 02:35 Madagascar 03:35 The Hairy Bikers: 04:35 Churches: How to Read Them 05:05 Great British Railway Journeys 05:35 HARDtalk 06:00 The World Today 06:30 World Business Report 07:00 Breakfast 10:15 Missing 2011 11:00 Homes Under the Hammer 12:00 Don’t Get Done, Get Dom 12:45 Cash in the Attic 13:15 Bargain Hunt 14:00 BBC News; Weather 14:30 Regional News and Weather 14:45 Doctors 15:15 Escape to the Country 16:00 BBC News; Weather; 16:05 Copycats 16:40 Winging It 17:00 Trade Your Way to the USA 17:30 Little Howard’s Big Question 18:00 Newsround 18:15 Weakest Link 19:00 BBC News 19:30 Regional News Programmes 20:00 The One Show 20:30 Waterloo Road 21:30 Life of Riley 22:00 The Apprentice 23:00 BBC News 23:25 Regional News and Weather 23:35 The National Lottery Wednesday Night Draws 23:45 Would I Lie to You?

07:00 Wibbly Pig 07:10 Penelope 07:15 Toddworld 07:30 Tinga Tinga Tales 07:45 Charlie and Lola 08:00 Natural Born Hunters 08:25 Newsround 08:30 Trust Me I’m a Genie 08:40 League of Super Evil 08:50 Frankenstein’s Cat 09:00 Wait for It! 09:30 LazyTown 09:55 Bob the Builder 10:05 The Koala Brothers 10:15 Guess with Jess 10:30 Big & Small 10:40 Buzz and Tell 10:45 Big Cook Little Cook 11:05 Mightymites 11:20 Nuzzle and Scratch: 11:40 Waybuloo 12:00 In the Night Garden 12:30 Daily Politics 14:00 See Hear 14:30 To Buy or Not to Buy 15:15 Real Rescues 16:00 Flog It! 16:30 Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is 17:30 Pointless 18:15 Show Me the Monet 19:00 Eggheads 19:30 Great British Menu 20:00 Escape to the Country 21:00 Two Greedy Italians 22:00 Wonderland: The Trouble with Love and Sex 22:50 Coast 23:00 The Apprentice: You’re Fired! 23:30 Newsnight

ITV

01:30 The Zone 03:30 Crossing Jordan 04:15 ITV Nightscreen 06:30 ITV Morning News 07:00 Daybreak 09:30 Lorraine 10:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30 This Morning 13:30 Loose Women 14:30 ITV News and Weather 14:55 Meridian News and Weather 15:00 60 Minute Makeover 16:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 16:59 Meridian Weather 17:00 Midsomer Murders 18:00 Britain’s Best Dish 19:00 Meridian Tonight 19:30 ITV News and Weather 20:00 Emmerdale 20:30 Poms in Paradise 21:00 The National Movie Awards 23:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 23:30 Meridian Tonight and Weather 23:35 Cops with Cameras

00:05 Misfits 01:10 UK & Ireland Poker Tour 02:10 Freesports on 4 02:40 The Grid 03:05 British GT Championship 03:30 FIM Superbike World Championship 04:00 KOTV Boxing Weekly 04:25 FIVB Beach Volleyball 05:20 Catching the Impossible 06:10 Full Metal Challenge 07:10 The Hoobs 08:00 Freshly Squeezed 08:30 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:55 Frasier 09:25 Friends 09:55 Wife Swap USA 10:50 Relocation, Relocation 11:55 A Place by the Sea 13:00 Channel 4 News Summary 13:05 Make Do & Mend 13:35 The TV Book Club 14:05 Channel 4 Racing 16:10 Countdown 17:00 Deal or No Deal: Banker’s Birthday 18:00 Come Dine with Me 19:00 The Simpsons 19:30 Hollyoaks 20:00 Channel 4 News 20:55 4thought.tv 21:00 Vacation, Vacation, Vacation 21:30 Superscrimpers: Waste Not Want Not 22:00 24 Hours in A&E 23:00 Desperate Housewives

00:55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 01:50 SuperCasino 05:05 Meals in Moments 05:15 Brian Sewell’s Grand Tour 05:55 County Secrets 06:10 Wildlife SOS 06:35 House Doctor 07:00 Thomas & Friends 07:10 The Beeps 07:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 07:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 07:40 Rupert Bear 07:50 Peppa Pig 07:55 Milkshake! Music Box 08:00 Little Princess 08:15 The Mr Men Show 08:30 Thomas & Friends 08:45 Make Way for Noddy 09:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 09:10 The Milky and Shake Show 09:15 Peppa Pig 09:25 Milkshake! Show Songs 09:30 Roary the Racing Car 09:40 Olivia 09:50 The WotWots 10:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 10:15 The Wright Stuff 12:05 Extreme Fishing with Robson Green 13:05 Meals in Moments 13:10 5 News Lunchtime 13:20 Law & Order 14:15 Home and Away 14:45 Neighbours 15:15 The Vanessa Show 16:05 Meals in Moments 16:15 Victor: the Victor Davis Story 18:00 5 News at 5 18:30 Neighbours 19:00 Home and Away 19:25 OK! TV 20:00 5 News at 7 20:30 Zoo Days 21:00 Essex Jungle 22:00 NCIS 23:00 Law & Order: Criminal Intent 23:55 Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

24 HOURS IN A&E

BBC2 00:20 Lord Sugar Tackles Football 01:20 BBC News 01:30 HARDtalk 02:00 BBC News 02:30 ABC World News with Diane Sawyer 03:00 BBC News 03:30 The Record 04:00 BBC News 04:30 Reporters 05:00 BBC News 05:30 HARDtalk 05:35 Close

New series. Filmed over 28 days, this documentary provides access to one of Britain's busiest A&E departments at King's College Hospital in London. The series begins with the stories of a 33-year-old Greek student in a critical condition after being run over by a bus, 78-year-old Tom Gibbs, who fell headfirst off a ladder while painting his daughter's landing, and a cyclist with a severe head injury.

Thursday 11th May 00:15 Bad Company 02:10 See Hear 02:40 Watchdog 03:40 Atlantis 04:40 One Man and His Campervan 05:10 BBC News 05:30 HARDtalk 06:00 The World Today 06:30 World Business Report 07:00 Breakfast 10:15 Missing 2011 11:00 Homes Under the Hammer 12:00 Don’t Get Done, Get Dom 12:45 Cash in the Attic 13:15 Bargain Hunt 14:00 BBC News; Weather 14:30 Regional News and Weather 14:45 Doctors 15:15 Escape to the Country 16:00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 16:05 Copycats 16:40 Wingin’ It 17:00 Project Parent 17:30 My Life: Toy Soldiers 18:00 Newsround 18:15 Weakest Link 19:00 BBC News 19:30 Regional News Programmes 20:00 The One Show 20:30 EastEnders 21:00 Watchdog 22:00 Inside the Human Body 23:00 BBC News 23:25 Regional News and Weather 23:35 Question Time BBC2 00:20 Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle 00:50 French Film 02:15 BBC News 02:30 ABC World News with Diane Sawyer 03:00 BBC News 03:30 The Record 04:00 BBC News 04:30 Click 05:00 BBC News 05:10 Close 07:00 Wibbly Pig 07:10 Penelope

07:15 Toddworld 07:30 Tinga Tinga Tales 07:45 Charlie and Lola 08:00 Natural Born Hunters 08:25 Newsround 08:30 Trust Me I’m a Genie 08:40 League of Super Evil 08:50 Frankenstein’s Cat 09:00 Wait for It! 09:30 LazyTown 09:55 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 10:05 The Koala Brothers 10:15 Guess with Jess 10:30 Big & Small 10:40 Buzz and Tell 10:45 Big Cook Little Cook 11:05 Timmy Time 11:20 Nuzzle and Scratch: Frock and Roll 11:45 Waybuloo 12:05 In the Night Garden 12:35 The Pink Panther Show 13:00 Daily Politics 13:30 GMT with George Alagiah 14:00 Diagnosis Murder 14:45 To Buy or Not to Buy 15:15 Real Rescues 16:00 Flog It! 16:30 Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is 17:30 Pointless 18:15 Show Me the Monet 19:00 Eggheads 19:30 Great British Menu 20:00 Coast 21:00 The Animal’s Guide to Britain 22:00 The Shadow Line 23:00 Psychoville 2 23:30 Newsnight

ITV

00:35 Long Lost Family 01:30 The Zone 03:35 Alien Siege 05:00 ITV Nightscreen 06:30 ITV Morning News 07:00 Daybreak 09:30 Lorraine 10:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30 This Morning 13:30 Loose Women 14:30 ITV News and Weather 14:55 Meridian News and Weather 15:00 60 Minute Makeover 16:00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 16:59 Meridian Weather 17:00 Midsomer Murders 18:00 Britain’s Best Dish 19:00 Meridian Tonight 19:30 ITV News and Weather 20:00 Emmerdale 20:30 The True Cost of a Car: Tonight 21:00 Emmerdale 21:30 Coronation Street 22:00 Long Lost Family 23:00 ITV News at Ten and Weather 23:30 Meridian Tonight and Weather 23:35 Piers Morgan’s Life Stories: David Hasselhoff

00:05 The Big Bang Theory 00:30 Being N-Dubz in America and Beyond 01:05 Abbey Road Debuts 01:20 The Album Chart Show Introduces - Yasmin 01:35 4Play: Aloe Blacc 01:55 The Album Chart Show Spotlight 02:10 The Crush 03:00 Supersize vs Superskinny Kids 03:55 Blanche Fury 05:35 Hill Street Blues 06:25 Countdown 07:10 The Treacle People 07:20 The Hoobs 08:10 Freshly Squeezed 08:40 Everybody Loves Raymond 09:05 Frasier 09:35 Friends 10:05 Wife Swap USA 11:00 Relocation, Relocation 11:55 A Place by the Sea 13:00 Channel 4 News Summary 13:05 Make Do & Mend 13:35 The TV Book Club 14:05 Channel 4 Racing 16:10 Countdown 17:00 Deal or No Deal: Banker’s Birthday 18:00 Come Dine with Me 19:00 The Simpsons 19:30 Hollyoaks 20:00 Channel 4 News 20:55 4thought.tv 21:00 Three in a Bed 22:00 A Very Dangerous Doctor 23:40 The Secret Millionaire

00:55 Poker: Aussie Millions 01:50 SuperCasino 05:05 Meals in Moments 05:15 How Not to Decorate 05:55 County Secrets 06:10 Wildlife SOS 06:35 House Doctor 07:00 Thomas & Friends 07:10 The Beeps 07:20 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky 07:35 Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures 07:40 Rupert Bear 07:50 Peppa Pig 07:55 Milkshake! Music Box 08:00 Little Princess 08:15 The Mr Men Show 08:30 Thomas & Friends 08:45 Make Way for Noddy 09:00 Fifi and the Flowertots 09:15 Peppa Pig 09:30 Roary the Racing Car 09:40 Olivia 09:50 The WotWots 10:00 Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom 10:15 The Wright Stuff 12:05 Extreme Fishing with Robson Green 13:05 Meals in Moments 13:10 5 News Lunchtime 13:20 Law & Order 14:15 Home and Away 14:45 Neighbours 15:15 The Vanessa Show 16:05 Meals in Moments 16:15 The Reading Room 18:00 5 News at 5 18:30 Neighbours 19:00 Home and Away 19:25 OK! TV 20:00 5 News at 7 20:30 Rough Guide To 21:00 Emergency Bikers 22:00 Extreme Fishing: Ends of the Earth 23:00 Impossible

EXTREME FISHING: ENDS OF THE EARTH New series. Robson Green embarks on a journey profiling fishing destinations around the world and tries to catch some of the most elusive sea creatures. He begins by visiting Ascension Island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean - the most remote place he has ever fished.

Friday, May 6, 2011

SPORT ON THE BOX All the top sport on TV in your Good News paper Live Challenge Cup Rugby League Leeds Rhinos v Crusaders (Kick-off 3.15pm) Clare Balding presents coverage of the first half of the fourth-round fixture at Headingley. The sides met in Super League less than a fortnight ago, so should know enough about each other as they aim to book a place in the last 16. The Rhinos were outplayed in last year's final by Warrington Wolves, who recorded an emphatic 30-6 victory, while the Crusaders' hopes were ended by Catalans Dragons in round five in a 35-34 thriller. Commentary by Dave Woods and John Kear. Coverage continues on BBC2 BBC1 4:00pm-5:00pm Sat 7 May

Live Super Sunday Manchester United v Chelsea (Kick-off 4.10pm) Coverage of the final Premier League match of the day, as the rivals clash at Old Trafford. United won 2-1 when the sides met here last month in the Champions League quarter-final, to secure a 3-1 aggregate victory and move through to the last four. However, the Blues have won the last three league fixtures between the teams, including a controversial 2-1 victory here last April Sky Sports 1 5:00pm-8:00pm Sun 8 May

BIG BOYS GET WHAT THEY DESERVE LONG BALLS by Malcolm Palmer AFTER their shameful display in the Champions’ League semifinal first leg, Real Madrid and Barcelona were both suitably beaten by lowly sides on Saturday. The Madrid side were denied a clear penalty, true, but three glaring defensive errors were decisive. They will have to concede the league to their eternal rivals next week. Valencia were another side to fall to humble opposition, whilst Villareal made up ground by dint of a narrow win over Getafe. The fight for the vital third place is still very much on. The second division is now resolving itself into a two-horse race between Betis and Rayo Vallecano, with Celta, Granada, Elche and Valladolid in play-off places – but there’s a way to go yet! Borussia Dortmund are now confirmed as Bundesliga champions, but the story in England still requires ‘the fat lady to sing.’ Manchester United lost a hard fought battle with Arsenal, and Chelsea fans will have enjoyed Aaron Ramsey’s goal almost as much

as the Emirates’ faithful. Chelsea meantime had to rely on two disputed goals to beat Spurs. Harry was not amused, as his side seem to have lost touch with any chance of making a Champions’ League place for next term. The upcoming clash between ManU and Chelsea at Old Trafford looks like deciding the league. Liverpool, fueled by Luis Suarez’s striking force, as well as the ever-present Dirk Kuyt, have made great strides, but Manchester City are comfortably placed in fourth, after beating struggling West Ham. The ‘three w’s’ are still entrenched in relegation spots, with Blackpool fighting to stay clear just above them. QPR, thanks to the mercurial young talent of Adel Taarabt, are back in the big time next season, but who will join them is not yet clear, with Norwich looking favourite. Preston, Sheffield United and Scunthorpe will plunge into what dinosaurs like me still call the third division, whilst Brighton will probably be joined by Southampton going the other way. Down in the dark depths, Stockport have lost their league status, and seem likely to be joined by Barnet.

Friday, May 6, 2011

AWNINGS

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES

BAR 4 SALE Local Spanish & English Bar Well Known 100,000€ Call 679 096 309 CAR MECHANICS

alities welcome 966 799 273 // 660 127 276. THE SPIRITUALIST CHURCH, QUESADA Meets at Sociedad Compas, 14 Calle de Toledo, Quesada. We hold a Sunday Service at 11.30 a.m., a Tuesday Evening of Mediumship at 7.30 p.m. And every Thursday there is an Open Circle where you can develop your skills commencing at 7.30 p.m. Spiritual healing is available every Sunday and Tuesday after the service. Deanna Sparks will take the Divine Service on Sunday, 8th May. There will be an Evening of Mediumship with Pauline Silver, a U.K. Medium on Tuesday, 10th May, followed by a Divine Service with Pauline Silver on Sunday 15th May. Everybody welcome. Contact Wendy on 965323028. www.spiritualistchurchquesada.com. (11)

FOR SALE Kymco Zing 125cc chopper style motorbike for sale. Year 2000, ITV until 2013, 5707 Kms with 2 helmets, lock, jacket. Only 700 euros. 622 208 934 (11) BH Bikes Spirit carbon framed racing bike. Almost new. Shimano 105 gears and components. Large adult frame. 300 euros. 622 208 934 (11)

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CHURCH SERVICES International Christian Assembly. Calle Pilar de Horadada 5, Torrevieja. Evangelical non-denominational. Sunday services 11:00am. Children’s Church 11:00am. House groups in Torrevieja, Los Balcones, San Javier. Ladies meeting Thursdays 11:00am. Pastor, Rafael Restrepo. All nation-

PROPERTY FOR RENT Viva Villa and Vacation Services, For Short or Long Term Rentals visit: or Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11)

Ref: 64, Two bedroom 1st floor apartment. Located in the very popular area of Aguas Nuevas, close to all amenities. Short or long term rental available. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 49, 2nd floor one bedroom apartment situated conveniently located in the town centre of Torrevieja, with a small sun balcony overlooking the lovely communal pool. Short or long term rental available. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 06, A Beautiful town centre apartment conveniently situated in Torrevieja close to town centre amenities and a short walk to the beautiful sandy beaches. Short or long term rental available. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 78, South facing 3 bedroomed property situated injardin Del Mar VII, with communal pool nearby. Close to amenities. Short or long term rental available. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 52 (Long Term Only) Three bedroom 2nd floor terrace house in Aguas Nuevas. The property benefits from large lounge, fully fitted kitchen and a downstairs shower room. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 112, Spacious 3 bedroom detached villa with its private pool is located on the El Raso urbanisation near Guardamar. Convenient for all amenities, shops, supermarket, restaurants and bars. Short or long term rental available. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11)

PROPERTY FOR SALE Viva Villa and Vacation Services are pleased to offer property sales for the Torrevieja and Oriheula areas of the Costa Blanca,

Spain. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 513, €115,000. Two bedroom ground floor apartment, in Aguas Nuevas, close to all amenities including the beach. It has a good size lounge, kitchen and has off road parking facilities. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 521, €105,000. This comfortable bungalow is located in San Luis with a new roof and solarium tiles. It is close to supermarkets, bars, restaurants and is on the local bus route. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 520, €105,000. Two bedroom apartment in Dream Hills, with a fully equipped kitchen, large lounge, glazed-in terrace and a large solarium. This property comes with a large communal swimming pool. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 516, €39,999. Studio apartment in San Luis, close to amenities. Open plan fully equipped kitchen. Good sized lounge, bedroom and out onto balcony which has been glazed to create another room. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 510, €79,999. Bungalow located in San Luis. It is close to the supermarkets, bars and restaurants and is on the local bus route. An Opel Corsa car is included in this sale. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 146, €85,000. Three bedroom Two bathroom quad house in Dream Hills. Off road parking on the front driveway with gates that can be padlocked for security. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11) Ref: 527, €195,000. Three bedroom, two bathroom detached villa, on a large plot, located in San Luis, with communal pool. Garage to side of house. Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (11)

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Friday, May 6, 2011

GAME FOR A LAUGH 10 football tales - and every one a grinner! DURING three decades working for the UK national press, DONNA GEE was privy to hundreds of unpublishable tales about sports stars — often relayed firsthand by press colleagues who were there at the time. OK, the tales may be a little dated...but who cares as long as they make you laugh? LATE NIGHT EXTRA: Legendary Liverpool manager Bill Shankly was fuming on the night several of his superstars arrived back at their Belgian hotel 45 minutes later than the boss. "Where do you lot think you've been?'', blazed Shanks as international quartet Ron Yeats, Ian St. John, Roger Hunt and Ian Callaghan returned from a drinking session well after the boss's midnight curfew. "That's it!'', he ranted at Yeats, St. John and Hunt. "You'll never play for Liverpool again—and you can forget about international football as well. You're finished!'' Then, turning to his blueeyed boy Callaghan, he added: "And I'm going to tell your missus about you."

press inquiries at Parkhead. When one reporter phoned to inquire about an injury to Scotland fullback Danny McGrain, the Irishman Fallon admitted: ''I don't think he'll make Saturday's game. He's suffering from a Grain stroin.'' GENTLE-MAN JIM: It threatened to be a bloody battle. Spurs and Burnley had fought out a particularly vicious FA Cup stalemate—and the replay promised to be even more physical. The teams were kicking in before the game when Jimmy Greaves, who was never noted for his ball-winning ability, approached his equally timid-tackling opposite number Jimmy McIlroy. ''Hey Jim, why don't we mark each other?'', said goal-king Greavsie. ''Then neither of us will get hurt.'' TOM AND JURY: Tommy Docherty was always the first person to poke fun at himself, as with his version of the infamous court case in which he was accused of

DON'T CRY FOR LEE: Manager Gordon Lee wanted a word with his Newcastle chairman Stan Seymour. He marched into the club chief's office, only to be told by a secretary, ''Mr. Seymour is not available. He's gone to see Evita.'' Lee retorted: ''I don't think so. He wouldn't go and watch a foreign player without telling me first.'' When Lee moved on to manage Everton, the Merseyside media soon discovered his geographical knowledge matched his familiarity with Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. After a dismal showing in a home Cup Winners' Cup leg against Standard Liege, a defiant Gordon looked ahead to the return in Belgium and rapped: ''Just wait until we get them in Standard!''

perjury—and acquitted. ''I admitted to the judge I'd lied on oath, but he didn't believe me,'' is one of the one-time Manchester United boss's classic quips. Tongue-in-cheek Tom is also particularly proud of his dubious achievement as manager of Rotherham United. ''I promised the chairman I'd get them out of the Second Division (now the Championship) and I did,'' he recalls. ''I took them into the Third.'' EIRE RAID WARNING: League of Ireland champions Shamrock Rovers were convinced they had the answer to mighty Honved of Hungary in the European Cup. The lads from Dublin trailed 2-0 from the away leg, but on the eve of the return, manager Jim McLaughlin unveiled an unique plan for beating the magnificent Magyars. ''We'll be concentrating on allout attack...mixed with caution,'' he insisted. No prizes for guessing who won the tie 5-1 on aggregate. BETTER BY CALF: England legend Nat Lofthouse reckoned he was frightened of his own Bolton teammates in his playing days. Well, two of them anyway. Fullbacks Roy Hartle and Tommy Banks had such a fearsome reputation that striker Lofthouse maintained: ''When they were playing behind me, I used to put shin guards on the back of my calves.'' THE BALD TRUTH: Rival Midlands bosses Ron Atkinson and Jim Smith decided to travel together to a dinner they were both attending. Their teams had been having mixed fortunes, with Atkinson's West Brom near the top of the old First Division (the Premier League's predecessor) and Smith's Birmingham seemingly heading for relegation. They pulled their vehicle into a multi-storey car park near the function venue, left it on the top deck, and got into the lift. Big Ron turned to the Bald Eagle and quipped: ''You'd better press the button because it's you who's going down.''

EMMY AWARD: Hard man Tommy Smith had two pet hates in football: Leeds United's Allan Clarke and his own skipper at Liverpool, Emlyn Hughes. And not necessarily in that order. When Hughes clashed with Clarke in a goalmouth melee and old squeaky voice Emlyn found himself on the deck with blood pouring from his nose, Smithy showed himself in his true colours. "Maybe that Clarke's not such a bad bloke after all," muttered Tom the compassionate. CROTCH OF THE DAY: With manager Jock Stein in hospital, Celtic No. 2 Sean Fallon was dealing with

Bill Shankly: Furious with his blue-eyed boy

NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY: Peter Withe's whip-round was apparently for the driver taking the Aston Villa players to their pre-season friendly in Dusseldorf. But the man behind the steering wheel didn't get a pfennig. Withe invested the money in an inflatable rubber sex doll, which was duly named Doris and went on to become part of Villa folklore. The obliging lady was adorned with the number 12 on her back, and the name of newlywed Colin Gibson's wife across her torso. She was then left in a suitably compromising position in Gibson's room at the team hotel. Gibbo was not amused—and poor Doris proved no match for him or the pair of scissors with which he cut her to shreds.

THE FOOTY RUMOUR MILL All the transfer gossip first in Liverpool OUT

Liverpool IN Gary Cahill £15m Mamadou Sakho £18m Gael Clichy £7m Ashley Young £ 25m Stewart Downing £17m Bojan Krkic £15m

Niko Kranjcar (£10m Udinese) Robbie Keane (£6m QPR) David Bentley (£12m Sunderland) Giovani Dos Santos (£12m Valencia) Kyle Walker £5m (Leicester) (Money in - up to £55m)

SPORT! Lancashire club can also offer more in wages.

Spurs OUT Spurs IN Crystal Palace will try to sign Spurs youngster Jonathan Obika. The youngster impressed during his time on loan at Palace and is wanted to spearhead the attack at Selhurst Park next season

Wilson Napoli)

Paul Konchesky (£2.5m West Brom) Milan Jovanovic (£6m Wolfsburg) Lucas Leiva (£10m Udinese) Christian Poulsen (£3m West Brom) Martin Skrtel (£8m Sunderland) Joe Cole £5m Fulham/Spurs/QPR

Palacios

(£10m Hulk £18m + Falcao £16m Asamoah Gyan £14m Gary Cahill £16m Scott Parker £6m Stephan Lichtsteiner £7m Spurs are most likely to get three or four of these players, who seem to be their main targets. West Ham’s former Charlton star Scott Parker is weighing up a move to fellow strugglers Wigan Athletic. Parker feels the Hammers are doomed and that Wigan play good passing football. The

Portsmouth’s David Nugent has held talks with Charlton about a possible free transfer move.

Craig Conway of Dundee United is in talks with Blackpool.

Dundee United’s David Goodwillie and Motherwell striker John Sutton have spoken to Peterborough United regarding a London Road double swoop.

Friday, May 6, 2011

SPORTS ROUND-UP England stay tops as Westwood has a Ball

LEE WESTWOOD lived up to his billing as golf’s World No.1 with a stunning final round to take the Ballantine’s Championship in South Korea. The Englishman, who climbed to the top of the official rankings with victory in Indonesia last week, spoke before this tournament of wanting to deliver a performance befitting his new status. He certainly did so, defying the pressure of expectation to shoot a superb 67 and make a decisive charge up the leaderboard. It secured his 21st European Tour title, but his first since 2009, and lifted him to €653,508 in The Race to Dubai.

Maria Hjorth recorded the fifth LPGA Tour victory of her career with a two-shot win over Rolex Rankings No.13 SongHee Kim at the Avnet LPGA Classic. Hjorth, one of 27 mums on the LPGA Tour, fired a five-under 67 in the final round to capture victory after starting the day three shots behind thirdround leaders Kim and 16-year-old sponsor's invite Lexi Thompson. This week’s major tournaments: May 5-8: European Tour: Open de Espana, Real Club de Golf El Prat, Terrassa, Barcelona. Ladies European Tour: Turkish Ladies Open, National Golf Club, Belek, Antalya. USPGA Tour: Wells Fargo Championship , Quail Hollow Club, Charlotte, North Carolina.

PREMIER & LA LIGA FIXTURES Saturday, 7 May Aston Villa v Wigan, 16:00 Bolton v Sunderland, 16:00 Everton v Man City, 16:00 Newcastle v Birmingham, 16:00 West Ham v Blackburn, 16:00

Dani joy in Estoril GP

Tottenham v Blackpool, 18:30

AFTER a race-long duel with fellow Spaniard Jorge Lorenzo, Dani Pedrosa raced to victory at the Grande Prémio de Portugal. And with it, the Repsol Honda rider claimed his first win at the Estoril circuit in any class. Third was Casey Stoner, also of Repsol Honda. Pedrosa, who only recently had surgery on his injured shoulder, had been seemingly pacing himself behind the leader, Yamaha Factory Racing’s Lorenzo, until the final three laps, when went ahead down the straight and then delivered a succession of fastest laps to pass the chequered flag first. Pedrosa finished just over three seconds ahead of the reigning MotoGP World Champion and closed the gap on Lorenzo’s lead in the standings to just four points. Pedrosa’s triumph also prevented the pole sitter clinching four succes-

Sunday, 8 May

He finished on 12 under, one shot clear of close friend Miguel Angel Jiménez, who ultimately paid the price for carding two bogeys in the first four holes of his final round. A birdie on the last for Jiménez - as he had done earlier in the day during the completion of the rain interrupted third round - would have taken the tournament into a playoff, but he missed the decisive putt from 15 feet. “It’s great to do it back-to-back two weeks in a row,’’ said Westwood. ‘’It was nice to come back from last week and get it all together.”

Wolverhampton v West Brom, 13:00 Stoke v Arsenal, 15:05 Man Utd v Chelsea, 17:10 Monday, 9 May Fulham v Liverpool, 20:00 Tuesday, 10 May Man City v Tottenham, 20:45

La Liga Saturday, 7 May Athletic Bilbao v Levante, 17:00 Getafe v Almeria, 17:00 Hercules v Racing Santander, 17:00 Sporting Gijon v Deportivo La Coruna, 17:00

Bubba bags Zurich glory BUBBA WATSON secured his second PGA Tour title of 2011 after beating fellow American Webb Simpson in a play-off at the Zurich Classic of New Orleans. Simpson had led by three shots with seven to play but suffered an unfortunate penalty stroke at 15 when his ball moved as he went to tap in for par. As he had grounded his club the infringement cost him a shot and meant the scores were tied at 15-under after Simpson had earlier bogeyed 12 and Watson had cut the gap to a shot with a birdie at 13. Both made pars at 16 and 17 before Watson missed a nine-foot birdie putt at the last to take victory.

With Mick Hardy from Kidease

Valencia v Real Sociedad, 17:00 Atletico Madrid v Malaga, 19:00 Sevilla v Real Madrid, 21:00

sive victories at Estoril. Stoner had a lonely race in third and was over seven seconds behind his victorious teammate. The eyes were all on the battle behind between Valentino Rossi (Ducati Team) and Andrea Dovizioso. The Repsol Honda rider stayed close to Rossi throughout the race and managed to snatch fourth place on the very last lap MOTO GP RESULT: 1 D Pedrosa (Spn) Honda 45 min 51.483 secs, 2 J Lorenzo (Spn) Yamaha 45:54.534, 3 C Stoner (Aus) Honda 45:59.141, 4 A Dovizioso (Ita) Honda 46:08.013, 5 V Rossi (Ita) Ducati 46:08.038. Overall standings:1 J Lorenzo 65 points, 2 D Pedrosa 61, 3 C Stoner 41, 4 V Rossi 31 THIS WEEKEND: Formula One: Turkish Grand Prix. Cycling: Giro Tour of Italy begins.

Foxy Brad steals Green's show Sheffield United 2 Junior Strikers 10 THE Blues Alevins were in devastating form scoring goals galore in a very one-sided match. Junior Strikers spent the first 30 minutes camped inside the home team’s half but failed to convert countless chances until Sheldon Green’s unstoppable 20-yard free-kick put the visitors into a deserved lead. Kyle Nash added a second minutes later to give the Blues a 2-0 half-time advantage. Sheffield United’s best player was their goalkeeper, who made numerous saves to stop the score line getting out of control. And he crowned his impressive display by taking an outfield free kick and scoring to make it 2-1. After that it was all Junior Strikers, a quick reply from Green putting them further ahead. Blues striker Brad Fox ran the show and got himself a well earned second-half hat-trick, while Nash got his second of the day with Green adding a further double. Highlight of the day was a goal by Eddie Corbit, the Blues’ Pre-Benjamin captain. Stepping up two age groups, he got himself on the scoresheet with a closerange effort to complete his team’s joy.

Junior Strikers offer quality training sessions at the Playa Flamenca sports centre on Mondays and Wednesdays from 6pm-7pm. The Mini Strikers group has now started for 3-5 year olds on Mondays from 6pm-7pm. For more info please visit www.juniorstrikers.com

Sunday, 8 May Mallorca v Villarreal, 11:00 Barcelona v Espanyol, 18:00 Real Zaragoza v Osasuna, 20:00 Wednesday, 11 May Almeria v Villarreal, 16:00 Deportivo La Coruna v Athletic Bilbao, 16:00 Espanyol v Valencia, 16:00 Hercules v Mallorca, 16:00 Levante v Barcelona, 16:00 Malaga v Sporting Gijon, 16:00 Osasuna v Sevilla, 16:00 Racing Santander v Atletico Madrid, 16:00 Real Madrid v Getafe, 16:00 Real Sociedad v Real Zaragoza, 16:00

Friday, May 6, 2011

ELCHE LOSE OUT IN NINE GOAL THRILLER SALAMANCA 5 ELCHE 4

by DAN SMITH TV’s soap writers would have struggled to pen the story that unfolded last Saturday afternoon in Salamanca. Two teams in need of points for different reasons; Salamanca 19th and four points adrift are staring uncomfortably at relegation whilst Elche are desperate to preserve their playoff spot against those around them. Salamanca, fielding a more or less full strength eleven meanwhile Elche had to rifle the bottom draw with six first team regulars out through either suspension or injury. How important would those missing players become the 90th minute? Salamanca’s first goal came on 23 minutes and went totally against the run of play. A free kick just inside the Elche half saw the ball floated to the back post where Junajo was unmarked leaving him a simple header catching everyone by surprise. Elche responded in less than a minute, Ángel benefiting from a neat one two with David Sanchez and increasing his goal tally to four in the last two games. Elche piled on the pressure and soon enough it paid dividends when Ángel linked up with David Sanchez to claim his second of the game and the chance of yet another hat trick. As half time approached an uninspired Salamanca somehow got back level from a free kick inside the Elche half. ‘keeper, Jaime, could do no more than paw thin air as Salamanca defender Moratón prodded his team level. More was to come as the second half got underway and David Sanchez was first to break cover - rifling a shot from 35 yards and giving keeper Biel Ribas no chance. That was followed by Perera who took advantage of a sloppy back pass and floated the ball over the keepers head and into the net. In hindsight Elche boss Bordalás may have consolidated his two goal advantage but he opted for change and Acciari was replaced by Etxeita, and Ripa for Santos although neither brought much to the game. Everything was turned on its head in the 65th minute when a poor goal on the counter attack put life back into Salamanca. Two more goals in quick succession left the visitors open mouthed as they watched three precious points slide away. A strange ending for the team with the best defensive record in the division. Tonight (Friday 21hrs) Elche take on Alcorcón, newcomers to the 2nd Division and comfortably in mid table, they won't prove easy opponents.

Photo: MARK WELTON

No surprises as Barca and United reach final Barcelona 1 Real Madrid 1 (agg 3 - 1)

Man Utd 4 Schalke 04 1 (agg 6 - 1)

PEP GUARDIOLA relishes Barcelona Wembley return after his team beat their arch-rivals Real Madrid 3-1 on aggregate on Tuesday evening to reach the final for the third time in six seasons. Coach Pep Guardiola said it was an honour to be returning to Wembley for the Champions League final. Guardiola was a member of the Barca team who beat Sampdoria 10 at the old Wembley in 1992 when the club won the European Cup for the first time. Guardiola said, "It was a huge moment for the club when we won the Champions League for the first time in the old Wembley and now we are in the new Wembley. It is an honour to get to the final, football is coming home.’’ Their opponents are Manchester United, who beat Schalke at Old Trafford on Wednesday night and the match would be a repeat of the 2009 final, which Barca won 2-0 in Rome.

MANCHESTER UNITED did all they needed to against Schalke 04 to reach Wembley and set up another Champions League final confrontation with Barcelona. United were holding a two-goal lead from the first leg of the semi-final in Germany and never looked to be in danger of giving up their two goal advantage at Old Trafford. They ran out comfortable winners - presenting the opportunity for revenge for their defeat at the hands of Barca boss Pep Guardiola and his side in the 2009 final in Rome. Manager Sir Alex Ferguson said that he suffered sleepless nights worrying about team selection and the one that came out on Wednesday showed eight changes from the 1-0 defeat at Arsenal in the League last Sunday. Wayne Rooney was not even on the bench, but he wasn’t needed in an easy victory that allowed United to reach their third final in four years.

HERCULES From back page

Valdez saw a good solo effort fly just wide of Caballero’s post, but then Hercules had a letoff when a goalmouth scramble failed to result in a goal. In time added on, Valdez drew a fine save from the Málaga ‘keeper with a powerful header. No sooner had the second half begun than Sendoa was penalised for a foul, and saw a yellow card. Kiko continued to worry the home defence, but then, just after the hour had passed, the referee managed to alter the destiny of the game when he showed Fritzler successive yellow cards – the first for what appeared a minor infringement. But the second asd for a foul just outside the area. After consulting the linesman, who it is rumoured will shortly be changing his flag for a white stick, he pointed to the penalty spot. Calatayud saw a yellow card for protesting the awful decision, but justice came when the penalty rattled his post and flew clear. The damage had been done, however, and Hercules’ midfield, without Fritzler, was woefully weak. Djukic brought on Rufete for Sendoa, but the writing was on the wall, and Eliseu’s cross found Rondón, and the Venezuelan scored with a neat header. 2-1, and 18 minutes left. Valdez had a chance to equalize a couple of minutes later,l but Caballero saved well, then the ‘Beast’ scored with the fourth headed goal of the afternoon to make it 3-1, after 75 minutes. To their credit, ten-man Hercules never gave up, and fought well, Abraham Paz heading just wide after a rufete corner. Kiko was substituted by Thomert, but it was no more than a gesture, and time ran out with Hercules now adrift at the foot of the table, only Almería – now looking doomed - below them. Thy will need maximum points from the four remaining games to stand a chance of survival, as all their rivals seem to be winning.