Tales from the campo... Light travels more quickly than sound, which is why some people appear to be bright until you finally hear them speak.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? OMG! Who wants to know!? Who's asking questions!?
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and another two change it right back again. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb must REALLY want to change. How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? One. All it takes is one to get under your feet and cause you to trip as you're changing it.
What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine
With the same old new jokes we’re th carrying on the Campo tradition wi inlots of fun...all tucked rather neatly side The Jungle Drums...
Come on in...and ’ave a laugh! An optimist is an individual who falls off the top of the Empire State Building and says, after fifty floors, “So far, so good!” The word “politics” is made up of “poli”, which is Latin for “many”, and “tics”, as in “bloodsucking insects.” Isn't Disneyland a trap for people run by a mouse? If everything seems to be going well in life, you’re probably
Have you heard about the new “Divorce Barbie”? It comes complete with all of Ken's stuff.
overlooking something.
oooooaaaar
Why is that whenever something is transported by car, it's called a “shipment”, but when something is transported by ship, it's called “cargo”? A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder. A mans car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story."Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied."Oh! I wouldnt listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesnt know a thing about cars."
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."...... The farmer said, "That's once."
This is
Spain
trade fair The four star luxury Orihuela Costa Resort is to be the venue for the next ‘This is Spain Exhibition’ trade fair which is to be held
on the 23rd, 24th and 25th April 2010 and this venue is ideal for an exhibition like this with an elegant, purpose built pavilion containing a large exhibition hall and plenty of outdoor space for people with larger products to display. To reach the Orihuela Costa Resort, come off the N332 at the La Zenia roundabout, head towards the sea, take the first right and follow the signs and you will find the resort on your left. The Resort has a tasteful restaurant as well as an outdoor bar and snack area and if you feel keen, you could also bring your swim suit as there is a pool at the Orihuela Costa Resort! The ‘This is Spain Exhibitions’ are the most popular amongst the ex-pat trade fairs and the stands fill up very quickly although there are still some stands available but you will need to book your space now to ensure
that your product or service reaches the widest possible audience; stands come in a variety of sizes and prices to suit all business needs. Over the exhibition weekend there will be a wide range of exhibitors, as always, covering financial and insurance products, homes and gardens, jewellery, food and drink plus new products that have not been in Spain before. For gardening enthusiasts, Richard and Clodagh Handscombe, whose regular gardening features appeared in Jungle Drums, will be promoting Richard’s new book and will be available to answer all your gardening questions plus several well known charities will also be represented at the show. As well as the stands, there will be all day entertainment with music provided by TKO radio and Phoenix Promotions and dancing from Raquel Pena’s THE SEVILLANAS CLUB FLAMENCO DANCERS, the Kingsbury
Academy of Dance, and Ghost Academy and should anyone wish a change in career, an experienced magician will be on hand to teach the tricks of the trade and sell the necessary props! This will be a great day out for all the family, with many bargains and exhibition offers to suit all budgets, great entertainment and the ever popular raffle, all included in the 1 euro entry fee. For more information, and to book your stand, call Christine Roche on 627 409 881 or 96 563 2835 or email her at info@exhibitions-spain.com. See the website at www.exhibitions-spain.com for regular updates and details of the businesses who will be exhibiting.
RETIREMENT BONUS
So what have we learnt in 2,055 years ? “The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.” - Cicero - 55 BC ... Evidently nothing
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’ He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’ So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, ‘That was incredible!’ He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’ So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’ ‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000... The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to my testicles.’ It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop ‘em,’ which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your testicles?’ The Old Chief calmly replied, ‘ The Falkland Islands’
JD QUIZ You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: if you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second place! Try to do better next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, ok? Second question: if you overtake the last person, then you are....? Answer: if you answered that you are second to last, and then you are..... Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person?? You’re not very good at this, are you? Third question: v ery tricky arithmetic! Note: this must be done in your head only. Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator..try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? The correct answer..... Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100... If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you’ll get the last question right.... Maybe... Fourth question: Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? 2. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn’t. Her name is Mary! Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round, i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a Pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants? It’s really very simple he opens his mouth and asks for it... Does your employer actually pay you to think?? If so do not let them see your answers for this test!
The population of this country is approximately 60 million. 32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work.. There are 17 million in school or at Universities. Which leaves 11 million to do the work. Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government. Leaving 3 million to do the work. 1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan . Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work. Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work. At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit. Leaving 512,000 to do the work. Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your arse, reading jokes. Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?’ Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’ ‘What does that mean?’ asked the child. ‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’ The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.’ He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’ The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’ The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’
STORMIN’ NORM’ In a recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said : “I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting”
Rumour has it that these classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day ...... 1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! 2. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog. 3. FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 4. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. 5. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. 6. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. 7. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb. 8. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. 9. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. And the best one?: 10. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION 1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be 10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
PUZZLES Solitions
from page 21
Easy Soduku
Hard Soduku
A Great Comeback A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.” He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself.”
Wordoku
This policeman was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility... Q: ‘Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?’ A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’ Q: ‘Officer -- who provided this description?’ A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Crossword 1
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’ A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’ Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’ A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’ Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’ A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’ Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’ A: ‘Yes sir.’ Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’ A: ‘You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’ The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Crossword 2