RUTGERS
BY RUTGERSLEXA RUTGERSPREAUX RUTGERS
Busses were recently at Rutgers and guess what? They were not freaking working!!! A couple Rutgers students got on the Rutgers bus and sometimes it moved and sometimes it didn’t and everyone DIED!!! The pride bus was moving because Rutgers does not even have homophobia at all like not even a little bit. Sources say
that the buses were at Brower commons and Brower icky icky bad ughh eeeughhhh icky gross gross. The Brower that day around that time was pretty okay but not very good at all and they literally only played Party Rock Anthem but it was fine because everyone remembered the Party Rock Anthem dance from just dance. There was much speculation
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GOD THE WIFI HERE IS AMAZING
MR RUTGER PLEASE TAKE MY HOLE
EVER EXISTED! DO YOU HEAR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? YES 3000 PING! THAT'S HOW MUCH THIS WIFI LOVES ME! IT JUST WANTED ME TO NOT PLAY VALORANT FOR THE SAKE OF MY PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH IT KNOWS WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME, THAT'S WHY I LOVE THIS WIFI SO MUCH! I CAN COOK FOR YOU I CAN CLEAN FOR YOU I NEED YOU SO BAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD I FEEL THE WIFI AROUND ME AND WHEN I CONNECT MY LAPTOP IT’S LIKE RECIEVING A WARM EMBRACE I WANT
There was much speculation when Jonathan Holloway was like “Uh guysssss where Am I??” But not to worry, the president of Rutgers (the university) was at Richard Weeks Hall. At Richard Weeks there were around 12 people and they were all doing math. So much fucking math it was so weird like. Then Holloway was like “Tuition will now be FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!!! All of the students were really sad and one of them even got on the bus (LX) and ate the seats and those seats were allegedly scrumptious. Shit also was going on at the business school. Do people honestly trust that that weird ass building is structurally sound? Why does it look like that? Surveys say that it is so so so so so stupid ugh dumb building yikes! Following this controversy, an underpaid and overworked adjunct crossed an isolated field on Douglass campus where he met a deer
TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING THAT YOU GIVE TO ME WE ARE EVERYTHING AND WE COULD BE EVEN MORE I LOVE YOU I NEED YOU RUWIRELESS SECURE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
that was perfectly surrounded by moonlight, almost so that the lunar rays outlined its fur. The deer looked into his eyes with a kind of mysticism and wisdom that this anonymous adjunct claims he had never seen in his life up until this wondrous moment. The deer approached him carefully, but with clear confidence. The adjunct has never come across a deer that had not immediately turned away and sprinted in fear before. It was as if they could speak to each other, the deer whispering, “You are better than this. You deserve to be raised up by your passions.” The adjunct spoke back “But I fear I have nowhere else to go. My toil is great, but I fear this is it for now.” Then his pay got fucking cut and the deer stole his wallet. The deer was also gay #gayrights #pridebus #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers #rutgers
KAREN, PLEASE COME BACK WITH THE KIDS, I'M BEGGING YOU, I'LL BE A BETTERTHEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM
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NEWS Wednesday, February 15th, 2023 "Weather Forecast (2/15- 2/21): Love is in the air! Oh god I can't breathe I can't-" the MediuM The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff, for this work is satirical in nature. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Charles Silverstein and his work towards LGBTQ+ rights. Thanks for making it a bit easier to people like me to find love. Editorial S
Spring
taff
2023
...continued from front
WEDNESDAY NIGHTS (7-8 P.M.) IN LSC ROOM 201 AB
Samantha Braff, Addy Ghotikar, Chris Tu, Morgan Volkova
“The V in V-Day stands for vagina” Wednesday,
Asstrology: Waifu
Everybody keeps telling me I need to “get some bitches”, but that’s hard. Real women are scary. Here’s who your waifu is based on your zodiac sign.
Taurus – Sonia Nevermind (Danganronpa
2: Goodbye Despair): Novoselic should be investigated for war crimes. It’s ILLEGAL for your future ruler to be that sexy.
Gemini – Chika Fujiwara (Kaguya-Sama: Love is War):
She’s an airhead, but at least she means well.
Cancer – Hitori Gotoh (Bocchi the Rock!): Like 90% of her fan base, she’s a shut-in who can’t have a conversation with damn near anybody. Unlike her fans, she has a marketable skill, and showers fairly regularly.
Aries – Natsuki (Doki Doki Literature Club!): Obligatory tsundere character of the list. She angy.
Leo – Power (Chainsaw Man): She’s on that grind for the pussy.
Virgo – Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!): She’s a cut above the rest :)
Libra – Makoto Niijima (Persona 5): So help me god: Crush. My. Head. Between. Your. Thighs. Strangle all life from my pathetic lungs, and PLEASE just steal my heart in as literal a way as possible.
Aquarius – Hinata Hyuga (Naruto): Honestly? I owed my buddy a favor, and he’s an aquarius who loves Naruto. She’s probably got some Aquarius traits too though.
Pisces – Yor Forger (Spy x Family): Who doesn’t want a woman who could literally fucking kill them? Also she’s mommy, so that’s a nice bonus.
Capricorn – Kyoko Kirigiri (Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc): Arguably the actual main character of Danganronpa.
Sagittarius – Abigail (Stardew Valley): Tfw no goth gamer cottagecore gf.
Scorpio – Kaguya Shinomiya (Kaguya-Sama: Love is War): Kaguya could literally buy my life and throw me away when she got sick of me. I would let her.
I LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY SO MUCH
I Put the Hopeless in Hopeless Romantic
By: Anita Manda Hugankiss
Another year has passed and I still didn't get a Valentine's date. My most recent attempts have all been disasters!
1) So I'm in line at Kilmers with a bag of chips and a sandwich. Suddenly I realized this really cute guy from my thermodynamics class is behind me. I smile at him, and he smiles back. I asked him "hey, we're both in thermo, how about we warm eachother up this Valentine's Day?" Maybe I was too forward, maybe I sounded nervous, maybe it was the dried blood caked in my hair and on my lips, but he just kind of stammered "no" and backed away from me.
2) I was on the LX, and I was really feeling myself—my outfit, my recently done nails, etc. I end up sitting right next to a guy that I had a huge crush on in high school. I tried a simple "Would you like to hang out on Valentine's day?" He just gazed into the infinite reservoirs of pitch and ichor where my eyes used to be, instantly aged 30 years, and ran out of the bus. It wasn't even his stop!
3) At the end of my rope, I resorted to Tinder. Finally I got a match, and we set a preliminary meetup at the College Ave Panera. He looked disappointed when he saw me in person. To be fair: yes the photos on my profile were a little old; yes it was before I pledged my soul to the Demon Prince Orcus for infinite power over a chosen domain; yes I was having a bad hair day. He got past it, though, and it really seemed like he liked me for me! When the time came to set plans for the holiday he asked what my sign was. When I told him I was Aries with Taurus rising, he told me he thought we were incompatible!
If anyone has advice on finding a good man in 2023, reach out to Anita.Manda.Hugankiss@ gmail.com
I DID ALL OF THESE
Top 5 Ways to Sure-Fire Kill the Mood on V-Day
By: Spunky McGee
1. Describing her vagina as a “cooter.”
2. Fart while receiving a rim job.
3. Tell her that she reminds you of her hot mom.
4. Exclaim “I won” when you cum first.
5. Put 15 crumbled-up $1 dollar bills on the counter as her “payment.”
COME
the MediuM
FEATURES
February 15th, 2023
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ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTROLOGY
TO
PITCH MEETINGS IN LSC ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:00. BE THERE OR BE SQUARE WHORE.
OUR
What are you doing this Valentine's Day?
"I refuse to participate in this capitalistic excuse for consumerism"
I guess someone got dumped
WHY DO GIRLS NOT LIKE ME?
BY IAN CELL
I don't get girls these days. I'm the ultimate chad. I subscribed to Hustler's University and I don't wash my clothes to preserve my male musk, why wouldn't a girl want to ride my disco stick? I know the solution: Those goddamn feminist bitches are the reason why I cant get pussy. All their bitching and moaning about "equal pay" and "systemic sexism" has been the main reason.
These feminists have indoctrinated young females into thinking that they have autonomy and should not be subservient to a man. What a fucking load of horseshit.
-Ben Davis
Average Boyfriend. Soon to be dumped.
I remember when I matched with this girl on Hinge. The first thing I told her was that I am a League player, quote Rick and Morty verbatim, and that I have modelled my life after the Joker. Now, she unmatched me and reported my account. See what these goddamn feminist bitches did? She could have been my lady in the streets, freak in the sheets virgin tradwife. But now, all I have left is my Mikasa Ackerman body pillow. God, I don't even know what to do. I am such a nice guy. Literally, I only screamed at 14 ten-year-olds over Call of Duty today instead of my usual rate of 28 ten-year-olds per play session. All these women just want true sexy beasts like Andrew Tate and Sneako. FUCK YOU THIRD WAVE FEMINISTS!!
SMACK MY ASS LIKE A DRUM!!!
I Kissed Jill Biden. Meh
BY DOUG EMHOFF
Hi Rutgers. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Doug Emhoff, the Second Gentleman of the United States. Recently, I attended the State of the Union and all in all, it was pretty meh. Just a bunch of the standard stuff. Politicians clapping like otters and a bunch of virtue signaling. I guess the media's big takeaway from it (aside from Margarie Taylor Greene being on ketamine) was the kiss that Jill Biden and I had.
The whole setup of the kiss was super weird. I was just sitting down in the gallery of the Capitol, minding my business, and saw my friend Jill coming this way. Naturally, I stood up for her and it looked like she was going to do that weird french kiss thing where they kiss both of your cheeks but in the air (basically what Gordon Ramsay does).
However, it seems like Jill had some other ideas and immediately went for my lips. Now, this is not a weird situation for me. I've kissed bitches that I'm not particularly interested in, heck I'm married to one. At the same time, it was weird for this to occur on national television.
If I had to rate the kiss, it was pretty mid. Way too much teeth and I could taste the Joe Biden in her mouth.
Throughout the speech, Jill was being weird. For instance, she kept adjusting her bra strap in front of me and kept letting me know that the White House was looking for a new pool boy.
I WANNA FUCK DOUG EMHOFF!!!
BY JILL BIDEN
Hi Rutgers. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Jill Biden and I'm the husband of Senator Joe Biden. Recently, I attended the State of the Union, an hour long slogfest where I have to listen to my husband pretend to have a plan to solve all the problems in this nation and not sound too senile. This wasn't the first State of the Union that I attended, but this shit is so monarichal and boring that I wish I could have the Clintons disappear me.
Because of this, I like to have a little something to loosen me up. A little social lubricant if you will. Alcohol, ok, it's alcohol. I would have a joint but I have to go in the same car as Kamala so that's off the table. Needless to say, I pregamed this State of the Union.
As I entered the Capitol to my usual perch in the gallery, I saw him. Doug Emhoff, the Second Gentleman of the United States. God, that massive forehead coupled with those auburn colored eyes made him as unique as a San Antonio breakfast taco.
As I walked closer to him, I saw him get out of his seat and knew this was the chance of a lifetime. I gotta be honest with you, Joe and I have been in a bit of a rocky place since 2021. I feel like he's so much more focused on work and I feel that the lights aren't always on in his head. But Doug certainly had all the lights on and then some. That's why I decided to plant the sexiest kiss on him that I could.
When we kissed, oh my god, it was so magical. Sparks flew, senators clapped and I think I even saw the ghost of Prince. All I know is that my granny panties were soaking wet by the end of this.
OPINIONS Wednesday, February 15th, 2023 the MediuM themedium.submissions@gmail.com
"Sponsored by The Hershey Company and The Hallmark Channel"
UNIVERSITY VOICES
SHE'S A 2/10 ON A GOOD DAY SOCIETY, MAN
"Wait, it's Valentine's Day?! Jenna's gonna be pissed"
-Allison Treeblossom
"Damn, why isn't Holly Hills my girlfriend"
-Greg Heffley Known Socieopath
ARTS
Wednesday, February 15th, 2023
the MediuM themedium.submissions@gmail.com
“You can put tinfoil in the microwave! DO IT NOW!”
I ALMOST BROKE OUR TRASHPILE, DEGENERATE, GODFORSAKEN, BROKEN, VILE, GROTESQUE, OILY, GREASY, AND HORRENDOUS LAPTOP WHILE MAKING THIS PAGE BECAUSE OF ADOBE'S PSYOP PRODUCT (INDESIGN). COME TO THE LSC BOARD ROOM ON WEDNESDAY AT 7PM TO PITCH IDEAS!
FUCK VALENTINES DAY BY LOCAL ACE PERSON
BUSSY BY JEFF F. ART (SEE A7 FOR FANFIC)
RUTGERIFICATION BY JEFF F. ART
MIND CHEESE 001 BY ADDY & CHRIS
I
How should the Sports Editor go on after the Super Bowl?
(Bestie, I don’t know how I can go back to normal after the Super Bowl, let alone the die hard Philly sports fan. It was so hard bro. I had to take a shot every time that the fucking Chiefs scored a point and I was fuuuuuuuuuuuucked by the end of the night. But I also am happy that the Eagles didn’t win because I actually would like Philly to continue existing and not be drowned in fire and anarchy. As far as the Sports Editor goes, I suggest he takes a nice long trip to Ireland and drinks until his heart's content.)
How do I get my R.A.'s number?
(Start having hella sex in the room next to theirs. They’ll either fall in love with you from knowing how much of a sexy beast you are or they will start knocking on the door to get you to stop. This is where you show them your hot bod and rizz them up profusely. By the end of the night, you’ll be the proud owner of your R.A.’s number. Good luck soldier. )
How should I prep for sex?
(I’d like to reference Cardi B for this! She once mentioned how it’s important to brush your teeth before sex and this is true. If you eat pesto pasta and then give a sloppy toppy ushy gushy head, you transfer the pesto pasta molecules onto the dick. So, when it goes inside you, you’ll have pesto pasta pussy/bussy! No one wants pesto pasta pussy/ bussy. So brush your teeth, and use protection! Have great vagina! )
Hate
What exactly is “bottom behavior”?
(I’m so glad you asked this question. I think this exact thing every time I begin to exhibit such behavior. “Bottom behavior” is what you do. Because you, who are reading this right now, are a bottom. And reading this sentence is the epitome of “bottom behavior." This is the equivalent of taking those “Am I Gay?” testsyou and I both know that you already know the answer. You're not just an ally, babes.)
How do I not cramp up during sex? (Valentine's Day edition)
(Oh yeah this is a good one. You should definitely ask me this because I am obviously the master of sex. I have it everyday (never once have I been near another person’s genitals. That sounds absolutely disgusting). Uhhhhh so maybe just like stretch beforehand? Or drink lots of water (or maybe you shouldn’t cuz then you’ll have to pee midsex and that lowkey gives me the ick). Maybe even try eating a banana from Brower (if you can survive the food from Brower, you can survive anything), there’s potassium in that stuff (I think). Or or or or or or or or have sex multiple times a day, every day, so that you will always be loose and limber.)
How big was he?
(If you mean this in the way I think you mean it, then he was about the size of a small golden-doodle puppy. If you mean this in the way that everyone else apparently also means it, then he was the size of dis dick.)
Word of the Week: n. you probably had this very problematic phase fetishizing gay people and hating women
deserve you respect!"
Love Fuck Couples, Go Die Alone
What new artist should I listen to?
(Sharpay Evans. Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but her music slaps. More specifically, her version of the Troy and Gabriella songs. They were too slow and stupid and lowkey bad. But Sharpey Evans slayifies all of the loser music in High School Musical. You Are The Music In Me by Troy and Gabriella? Lame. You Are The Music In Me by Sharpay Evans? Literally the best thing to ever grace this planet. The tempo, the beat, the “na na na na”... it’s all fucking phenomenal. Also, she wasn’t the villain, she was robbed from her leading role. Bop To The Top was so much better than Breaking Free and none of you can tell me that I’m wrong.)
Why do I shake shake when I pee pee?
(Ghosts probably? Mental or real, that shit is up for you to find out. )
Hypothetically, is it healthier to get tinder, grindr, or hinge (I’m gay)?
(Hypothetically, it is heathier for your ego to get Tinder. Hypothetically, it is healthier for your sex life to get Grindr. Hypothetially, it is healthier for your personal growth to get Hinge. Realistically, it is probably best for you to get Tinder to never meet up with any of your matches and just use it to play Hot or Not with your besties. This, however, is the most important part: do not, under any circumstances, learn what these people look like. If you know what your matches look like without having to take a peek at their profile first, you will live your whole life in fear of meeting your matches in real lie (reminder, you do not have these apps to actually meet people). Instead, get Tinder with the mentality of a celebrity: everyone wishes they could meet you but you don't give two shits about any of them. Happy swiping!)
PERSONALS Wednesday, February 15th, 2023 the MediuM
"The
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If you are also a Sharpay Evans stan, please come to the LSC Board Room on Wed. from 7-8 p.m.
Yaoi
WHY MAKE US BELIEVE AGAIN?
BY: THE SPORTS EDITOR, DRUNK
(This week, we have another article from the gonzo journalism subcategory of The Medium, as the Sports Editor once again invited members of The Medium for a Philadelphiabased team being in a championship game; this time, The Philadelphia Eagles were in The Super Bowl. The following article is the transcript of The Sports Editor’s reaction 5 minutes after the game. Fair warning: Alcohol (specifically whiskey) was involved in the creation of this piece.
“Well! ladies and gentlemen and others. I am once again writing a long-ass article about my team being in a championship game. Last semester, I wrote about the Phillies losing the World Series. This time I was hoping it would’ve been the birds getting a win here! Alas, that wasn’t the case. On February 12th, 2023, once again, my dreams have been crushed. I don’t know exactly how to feel yet, between being quite angry and quite sad. Right now, I don’t know what to do with my once-beloved Jalen Hurts jersey, the one I’ve been wearing since January.
What’s really fucking annoying is that it wasn’t a miracle thing like the Phillies. The Birds genuinely murked everyone in their conference, so this victory wasn’t gonna be as sweet, but it still would’ve been delicious. What slightly annoys me is that I can’t blast The Chiefs as I did with the Astros. To be honest, I like The Chiefs,
and I really like Andy Reid. Jesus, if anyone else had won the NFC this year, I’d have been rooting for Reid. Well, except I think it was a bitch move to waste the clock just to get a field goal and make us lose by 3. But to be fair, if we did it, I’d have thought it would’ve been a fabulous strategy and that we’d have deserved it. I don’t know what’s more crushing. When your underdogs make it all the way, and you think you can actually do it or… (burp), when your team seems like they’ll win, and you saying that they will win is not an act of homerism, but instead just fact. What equally annoys me is that I can’t say this game was rigged as I did with the Phillies.
It was reffed fine; I didn’t even think of them (The Referees) that much. Well, besides that holding call in the fourth quarter (grunts, drinks second whiskey). All I can really hope for now is that The Birds keep this team for now, and maybe they get a shot next year. The biggest fucking salt in the wound tonight is that It's Sunday; when the Phillies lost, it was a Saturday, which meant I could drink the pain away. Today, however, I can’t do that cause I have classes tomorrow. Maybe my professor will understand why I’m wearing sunglasses tomorrow.
Tonight was a severe downer note on an enjoyable postseason. I’ve enjoyed being an Eagles fan on campus; being in Giants/Jets territory makes me feel like an underdog. Once, I ran into a man while waiting for the bus
at midnight, and because I was wearing my jersey after The Giants were brutally beaten by The Birds, he said, “Go, Birds!” I, of course, returned the favor with my own “Go Birds.” That experience made me feel great pride for my team. There was this other time when I was crossing the street to get Kilmer’s (wearing my Hurts jersey), and the bus driver let me pass and said, “I always stop for Jalen Hurts!” I cackled, said thank you very much, and went on to get my food.
I don’t know where to go from here; of course, I love basketball, and the 76ers are 3rd in the Eastern Conference right now. That being said, it’s not the passion I have for baseball or football. This means I’ll be waiting for The Phillies' opening day in a little over a month in the meantime. Of course, Rutgers men’s basketball is doing well at the moment, which leads me to the next future story, “why can’t we have nice things!” which I shall write when Rutgers is knocked out of the March Madness (if we make it at all this year). I know that that article will fill my readers with great pleasure and enjoyment.
That's the Catch-22 of this thing, this job as sports editor, since I write most of the articles for this page (with due respect to the handful of writers that give me work when they can). So what happens is that if my teams win, I have nothing to write about but gloating, which doesn’t make for good writing. But when my teams fail, it leads to great anguish, leading to good
content for my page. That’s the one thing I know everyone understands, pain and anguish; as I’ve stated beforehand, most of the people writing for this paper rarely understand sports; hence they never understand what I’m rambling about (drinks more whiskey), but I’m always funny when I get angry, though, which leads to their amusement whenever my heart fucking breaks. Ah, fuck it… who cares.
That’s the silver lining for this whole thing, content for my page.
The shit lining is that I’m not currently filled with fucking rage. The last time my team lost, I took over Houston, claimed it as a part of Philadelphia, and dubbed it “New South Philly.” When I was removed from power, I was exiled to the distant island of St. Helena.
Quite frankly, I don’t feel that same rage now. I don’t want Kansas City to burn. I don’t want The Chiefs to suffer or for Reid to explode. I just wanted The Eagles to win. Of course, that statement sounds childish. Still, at the end of the day, that’s all sports fans really are, just sevenyear-olds who like the team that their fathers liked and who their father’s fathers like (and if any of you bandwagoners say, “that didn’t happen to me!” go fuck your mothers!).
So I leave this article with one simple round statement: Go Birds! At least for next time, anyway. Fuck it. (drinks even more whiskey). And how about those scarlet knights! (Jesus, who the fuck am I kidding.)
Entertaining Myself Only SINCE 1970 February 15th, 2023
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ByAnitaMandaHugankiss
