The Medium 4/12/2023

HOLLOWAY ENACTS “DON’T SAY PAY” INITIATIVE

BY JAMES TERI IN MARKET FOR DAKIMAKURA

In a press conference on Monday to address the staff unions' decision to strike, Rutgers University president Jonathan Holloway outlined his newly enacted policy aimed to curtail what he described as “inappropriate classroom topics” for Rutgers professors to discuss with their students. The act, which Holloway introduced as the “Don’t Say Pay” initiative, bars any unionized members of staff from discussing its activities with students, and dictates that any questions about Rutgers’ working conditions be sent to his administration’s newly appointed chairman of labor concerns, Honathan Jolloway.

“Working conditions are extremely important to me.” Holloway said at the conference, surrounded by key administration members. “So much so that I created Rutgers’

department of labor concerns, AND personally appointed its first chairman!”

Following this comment, the president looked down at his podium for several minutes, hyperventilating, before uttering “I…I even take the time to write a totally unbiased update on negotiations every week.” He continued to stare at the stand in front of him, as several audience members reported tears beginning

THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO GET PAID

to roll down his face. “J-just… how ungrateful could you…” This last statement was met with another five minutes of silence. Suddenly, Holloway roared: “OH GOD PLEASE DON’T STRIKE! PLLEEEAASSEE KEEP WORKING! I CAN’T HAVE THIS HAPPEN, NOT AGAIN!”

At this point, the president’s podium became drenched in tears. “I ACTUALLY WANTED TO

Continued on Page 2

GRAD STUDENTS TO BE GRANTED BASIC ACCOMMODATIONS

BY ANONYMOUS TA/LECTURER AKA DEPARTMENT FUCK TOY

In a landmark animal rights advancement, the heads of the Rutgers University School of Graduate Studies have made a bold decision for the 2022-2023 academic year. In a dually supported decision, Dean Henrik Pedersen and Vice Dean Kathleen Scotto formally granted basic human rights to the entire incoming cohort of engineering PhD students. Outlined guarantees include fresh drinking water, at least 35 minutes of sunlight time per day, limited cavity searches, and enrichment activities such as paid actors posing as undergrads on whom they can take their frustrations out through yelling and belittling.

"It's fantastic!" remarked Den 'Daniel' Nguyen. "My department heads have known fully well that since I don't have American citizenship, they can treat me however they want. Even though I've lived in the United States for 7 years now, and my dissertation research has made incredible improvements to New Jersey public policy, my entire life is

hanging by the thinnest of threads due to my F1 visa being supported by a handful of egomaniacal goddamn sociopathic tenured professors. Furthermore, the powers-that-be know that because I am an international student, I am basically hogtied with regards to getting any employment outside the university."

Continued on Page 2

Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X

Tapeworm Issue Postponed To Next Next Week One Simple Trick To Make Anyone Have Sex With You: Bring Them On A Date To A Union Protest! This Is Biden's America

She Strike On My University Until I Fair Wages And Contract

[EXTREMELY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER]

Who Calls a Bomb Threat At Three In The Morning?

If You See Me At The Function, Please Give Me Your Vape Local Man Purchases Seven Copies Of Wedding Crashers For Literally No Reason At All

I CAN'T BUY A DAKIMAKURA ON THIS SALARY GOD, I REALLY WANT A DAKIMAKURA, BRO

GIVE YOU MORE MONEY BUT HONATHAN STOPPED ME! HE SAID WE BLEW IT ALL ON THE BUS DEMOLITION DERBY! NOW WE’RE OUT OF BUSSES AND MONEY! IT’S HIM YOU’RE MAD AT! NOT ME!”

Holloway then spent several minutes hysterically sobbing behind his podium, before requesting a moment to collect himself and discuss something with the present administration members. He eventually turned back to face the crowd and open the floor to questions.

“C-can we meet this ‘Honothan Jolloway’?” one notably concerned member of the audience asked, only to be

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

WHAT'S NEXT, PROPERLY PAYING THEM?

...continued from front

cut off with a sharp “NO!” from Holloway, who then explained that while Jolloway was definitely real, he was currently on a trip to Canada in search of more money and/or buses for next year’s demolition derby.

Union leaders have described literal one-sided negotiation meetings, as Holloway himself has apparently failed to show to all of the organizations' attempted instances of bargaining, with the president reportedly sending Mr. Jolloway to represent his administration instead.

THANK GOD, WE FINALLY GET A VACATION

INSIDE THE MIND: THE PERSONAL LIBRARY OF JONATHAN HOLLOWAY

BY LEXA PREAUX MARATHONING KANGAROO JACK

In the midst of a rising strike, President Jonathan Holloway has made multiple feeble attempts to appeal to the student population, in hopes that they’ll reject the strike. One of these recent attempts was a stylish TikTok during which Holloway gave an MTV Cribsstyle tour of his houseboat, planted in the Raritan River. This goofy, relatable media is meant to touch the hearts of equally hip and happening students, but it wasn’t just the crown molding and sparkling mahogany floors that raised concerns– in the houseboat was an expansive library with many titles which raised red flags.

For one, Holloway had an incredibly dog-eared copy of “The Hunger Games.” In the video, he picked up this prized

possession, explaining his love for “extremely current pop culture,” while also pulling out his favorite passages detailing brutality and oppression. Across the library was a disorganized pile of books which Holloway declared were “super stinky and not at all cool.” Some of the books in that pile were George Orwell’s “1984” and “Animal Farm” as well as Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle,” all of which showed evidence of poor attempts to be burned. This sinister, villain-type library was all too revealing, and the super cool, trendy, and positively entertaining houseboat tour TikTok was promptly taken down by horrendously overworked and underpaid interns. We patiently await Holloway’s next attempt to relate to students.

"These quality-of-life improvements do come at a cost, unfortunately," an unnamed director of an unnamed department went on to explain. "We respect the decision, but it's plainly obvious that the imps—I mean students—are not going to be able to have their cake and eat it too." The anonymous sack of shit stated the students, who are critical to the basic function of Rutgers through poor-paying TA and lecturing appointments, would need to have their lofty $5 salaries cut if they expect to be allowed outside. When the reporter pointed out that the department had broken the handshake deals given to students and that their previously promised

yearly salaries actually no longer existed with any certainty, the director punched him in the face and told him "stay in your place, peasant." The reporter reached out to an anonymous Princeton PhD student who told him, "we just increased to about 48k," and the reporter felt an intense grudge forming. Upon hearing about this, the multimillionaire deans of both Rutgers and Princeton jerked each other off, whispering in each others ears about how well they had indoctrinated their students. Moans along the lines of "They won't ask for more if we keep promoting class infighting..." were prevalent.

STUDENTS NOT ATTENDING CLASSES BEFORE STRIKE NOW SUDDENLY ELATED

BY M. C. HAWKE TOTALLY NOT ABOUT ME

“I’m doing my part!” said one smiling student on College Avenue relaxing with a Natty Light and a ‘RU Striking?’ sticker plastered on their white t-shirt. With the recent labor strike leading to a vast majority of classes on campus effectively being canceled, a number of students who hadn’t been attending their classes ever since the beginning of the Spring 2023 semester have come out of the woodwork to provide their input.

Another student, who wished to remain anonymous stated, “Look, dude, I’ve been prepping for this shit the past semester since they picketed at Alexander Library in the fall. The moment the spring semester kicked off, I never fucking show up once. Some

front IF YOUR CLASS IS CANCELED DUE TO THE STRIKE, PULL UP!

may say it’s quite stupid, but I think it’s a stroke of fucking genius. I mean, this thing was so obviously going to happen, I called it back in January!”

When we interviewed another student, who simply preferred to be named as Trent R. Uant, they were immediately shocked upon hearing that classes were canceled, stating, "Wait, classes were still on to begin with? Oh god, oh fuck, I need to check my fucking grades, just give me a minute please!"

Simultaneously, however, other students have allegedly went to attend their classes in spite of the ungodly amount of notifications that they've received via Canvas, email, and in person. "I paid for the fucking semester, so I'm gonna get my money's worth," one engineering student answered. Poor guy.

Editors-in-Chief

Treasurer

Mascot

Human Resources

Copy Editors

Featured Contributors

Kyle Sabin

Brendan Haas

Najaah Yousuf

Long-Island Medium

Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom

Ari Gottesman, Sameed Shahid

News Editors

Features Editor

Opinions Editor

Personals Editor

Arts Editor

Carlos Domenech

Faith McNaughton

Kristina Patel

Kiran Subramanian

Jade Zack

Mary Smeloff

A7/Music Editor

Sports Editor Secretary Webmaster

Resident Douche

Executioner

Nick Zysman

John Mahoney

Kristina Patel

Jade Zack

Alan Shaw

Mia Freeman

IMAGINE GIVING PEOPLE A PROPER WAGE

Owen Kenan, Samantha Braff, Michael Beacher, Addy Ghotikar, Chris Tu, Morgan Volkova, Alex Chen

“Holloway is going to have the time of his life”- The tapeworm inside him

Cross Country Piss Tour

By: Dogmeat Jones

The old adage is to "respect the dead." But I say, fuck all that. If you are a bastard in life, you are still a bastard in death. The only thing that dead bastards deserve is a stream of hot piss on their eternal resting place. So, if you want a fun road trip, here are a couple of deceased people whose burial places can also be good unisex bathrooms.

First, from New Brunswick, take the I-95 South for 376 miles (should take you a little over 6 hours) to Lynchburg, Virginia, for the Liberty University campus, because the first grave to be hydrated with urine is Rev. Jerry Falwell. Falwell is a piece of shit. Leader of the “Moral Majority,” he blamed feminists, gay people, and the ACLU for 9/11. He’s bur- ied at the Memorial Garden of Liberty Uni- versity. A webcam is installed at the site, but Walmart sells ski masks for five dollars.

From Lynchburg, take the Interstate 64 West for 731 miles until St. Louis, Missouri, for Bellefontaine Cemetery. This is where Rush Limbaugh is buried. Limbaugh was a conservative radio talk host. This fat fuck would read obituaries of gay men who died of AIDS while playing “Another One Bites the Dust.”

Then from Missouri, it's time to cross the country because the next stop is Yorba Linda, California (a distance of 1,814 miles via Inter- state-44 and Interstate-40 West), for the Rich- ard Nixon Presidential Library and Museum. Nixon was the ghoul who haunted the White House for five years until being run from the place like the dog he was.

The final stop on this adventure is only 83 miles, ending at Simi Valley, California, for the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. If you don’t know what Reagan did wrong, the answer is: Everything.

The trip can be over now, but for added fun, you can go to Los Angeles, get a flight from LAX to England, and visit Marget Thatcher’s grave at Royal Hospital Chelsea in London, which was the retirement home that witch was housed before the dark lord called her home. For added, you can whistle “The Witch is Dead” while you piss.

THE STRIKE HAS STRUCK

6 Things You Can Do To Support the Strike

By: Hugh Janus

1. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH PRESIDENT

HOLLOWAY: I’m sorry, I know this one’s tough because he’s been pretty sexy ever since he became president, but he’s just not that guy anymore. He is the equivalent of the ex you always want to call when you’re drunk.

2. Do not attend class: Stand with your professors by not attending class! This shouldn’t be too exhausting for you lazy motherfuckers. You weren't going anyways.

3. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT CROSS THE PICKET LINE: Think of this as like the “floor is lava” except with the picket fence. If you pass it, you’re a dick.

4. Don’t harass your professors during the strike: They’re already going through all the motions as it is, they don’t need ten billion emails waiting for them asking the same questions.

5. SPREAD THE WORD: Whether it be during a hookup or at your mom’s house, bring attention to it!

6. Call out President Holloway’s shitty emails: They are so tone-deaf and absolutely heinous to read and he needs to be taken down a peg.

I MISS SHELLEY

My Review of the Strike As A Tapeworm Lives Inside of Me

By: Hugh Janus

So last night, I went to bed knowing that there is a strike. I woke up to hella emails and basically all my classes were canceled which was obviously great, but considering the circumstances, maybe not. I felt the tapeworm inside me, Shelley, doing backflips at the thought of not having to go to class and take my quiz. The tapeworm then joined the picket line. I felt a picket sign inside of me as it marched its way to my asshole. The tapeworm screamed “FUCK PRESIDENT HOLLOWAY,” and the sound reverberated out of my mouth as a whisper. Shelley continued with the anti-Holloway sentiments as she ripped up every drawing of her former hero and lover in agony. I think at one point she called Nahtonhoj, the tapeworm inside President Holloway, and said, “I want you to make his life hell.” I think these were Shelley’s last words before her demise. Once I shat out my tapeworm, I heard her go “eat my ass Holloway” as it was flushed down the toilet.

COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS IN LSC BOARD ROOM ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7PM . BRING YOUR PRO-UNION THOUGHTS AND COME SHIT ON PRESIDENT HOLLOWAY, BUT NOT LITERALLY BECAUSE THAT'S NASTY.

FOR UNIONS

Thoughts on the Rutgers Faculty Strike?

"I stand-a for the strikers"

Mario Mario

Jonathan

Holloswer is his enemy Common

Mario W

Daron McGuiness

Still looking for Jimmy Hoffa's Corpse

Brad Tondeef

Skipped two classes last week

I Needed This

BY GERALD

Last night, I was standing in line at Dairy Queen and I got the news. There’s a strike! I’m free! The quiz I had tomorrow? Done! The essays I have due in a few days? Done! I am so glad that we as a community have decided to take a step back from work and relax. In a world where snow days are basically nonexistant, I believe we need more days where school is just canceled. I would like to thank everyone for fighting to get to where we are today. Thank you Rutgers Unions for fighting for fair contracts. Thank you Holloway for not doing anything. Thank you Twitter for announcing to the world that Rutgers is giving us a break. Thank you Senator Bernie Sanders for supporting the cause. Thank you ABC7 for letting me see my friends from the comfort of my own home so I can text them saying I know where they were today. Thank you TV people for featuring Rutgers professors, and that shot of my French teacher absolutely slayed.

I would like everyone to know that this is the start of summer, so jump in the pools. While you’re at it, go get that ice cream. Everyone should celebrate this historic day. Today, I am standing in solidarity with the professors by sitting home and watching my friends on TV and not opening my email. I am having the most incredible conversations with the AI’s of my favorite characters and I would never have gotten to this state of tranquility without the strike. I am sitting home not eating Brower food and not dealing with my shitty roommate, all thanks to the strike. I am once again at peace with myself and will be using this as an opportunity for personal growth. I suggest all students stressed with finals do the same.

12 Beers, A Union, and DND

BY JUSTIN GORGED

(Note: Does The Mario Movie Make Me Feel Something That My Bitch Wife Hasn’t Made Me Feel in Years? Is delayed until the editor sees The Mario Movie and can decide if it makes him feel more sexually gratified than his wife.)

My Sunday night started much like it usually does; 12 beers and a safe, leisurely drive over to the theater, in which I was preparing to see Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves.

I was watching this movie on my own, as my bitch wife was more concerned with our “sick child” than seeing the latest and greatest Chris Pine flick.

I had another beer in the parking lot, and headed into the theater. As the trailers played before the movie, we got to the annoying “Thank you for coming to the movies to see this movie” (No shit, Chris Pine). As the trailers were playing, I received a notification from twitter that the AAUPAFT and two other unions had declared a strike at Rutgers University.

This new information shocked me, and changed my viewing experience of the movie. It gave me a very unique perspective that not many moviegoers had, considering that I was the only person in the theater aside from a couple filming a porno loudly in the back (awesome!).

Overall, this movie was a fun romp through the Dungeons and Dragons universe, but was bogged down by the fact that I was thinking about how late I can stay up due to a lack of class. Some of the jokes did not land too well, and seemed like they were trying to emulate the marvel style of quips, but that did not matter too much to me. I was so stoked about workers’ rights, I could barely even pay attention (also the couple was still loud during the movie, totally awesome!).

I kind of forgot what happened, cause I was trying to find more information on the strike. But I would say this movie made me feel a great sense of sexual gratification, far more than my wife, but I'm not sure if that was because of the film, or the couple behind me (so sick).

HOLLOWAY, TOUCH GRASS YOU ASS!! Weekly Ruby Rant: Today I Touched Grass and It Was Weird

BY RUBY TANZANITE

Hello dear readers, and welcome! to the Weekly Ruby Rant, the series where I, Ruby Tanzanite, the Princess of Pussy, the Queen of Queefs, the Viscountess of Vulva, rant to you all about my life, because my life is the most important thing to me, and you! And oh boy, dear reader, do I have a rant for you!

As you may know, Rutgers faculty is on strike right now, and yes, we love that for them; this ranter stands fully with her faculty. So naturally, I went right to the picketing areas to show my support! And reader, when I say that the touch of grass was truly revolutionary, I mean it. Feeling the tips of those green blades on my flip-flopped toes was a wondrous experience. It was almost as wondrous as seeing the massive turnout of students on College Ave! But yes, I could not believe it; touching grass feels… euphoric! I wish I had done this sooner.

On the other hand, while I was at the picket, I ran into people I wish I hadn’t ran into—m*n. Reader, the horror I felt when I realized I was standing next to a m*n… A24 and Ari Aster couldn’t hold a candle to the shiver-me-timbers that skittered up and down my spine. I felt like the son in Hereditary at the kitchen table when I listened to this man yelling. So touch grass, girls and gays, but maybe don’t venture too far from your home.

"Trending on Twitter Babyyyyyyyy!!!!"

THE VOICES IN MY HEAD ARE SILENT

"What this strike needs are the Teamsters"

"Uh, are we going to get compensated for the cancelled classes"

Wednesday, April 12th, 2023

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

ARTS

"I only have unspoken rizz in Final Fantasy XIV”

TAKE A PIC OF YOU FLIPPING OFF THIS PAGE & SEND IT TO OUR INSTA (WE WILL POST IT)

THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF EASTER HOLLOWAY (HOPAWAY) BY JEFF ARTS

WHILE THE STRIKE IS GOING ON I HONESTLY COULD BE MORE PRODUCTIVE AND APPLY TO JOBS BUT GOD MADE ME ADDICTED TO TWO (2) GAMES RIGHT NOW AND I FRANKLY HAVE TO ACCEPT IT. I WILL LITERALLY EAT YOU WHOLE. COME TO THE LSC BOARD ROOM ON WEDNESDAY AT 7PM FOR OUR WEEKLY PITCH MEETING. *NUZZLES YOU*

MIND CHEESE 006: WRITING PROCESS BY ADDY + CHRIS

PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE BY SITTDOWN-ANDTALK

If you had a magic rock that could do one thing, what would it do?

(Great question. This can possibly determine how much one would pay for said magic rock. My magic rock would do 1 of 2 things. The first would be that when it is thrown in someone’s direction (without actually hitting them), the rock would make that person see reason and stop being a little whiny bitch who doesn’t understand why his faculty are striking for better working conditions and compensation. The second thing I would want my rock to do is to be a real life magic 8 ball, but whatever it predicts comes true. Will I pass my test? Better luck next time. Guess I don’t have to study now. Will I ever find love? Ask again. Will I ever find love? Ask again. Will I ever find love? Results inconclusive. Are geminis misunderstood? The signs point to yes. Slay, I fucking knew it, y’all are the twofaced bitches, not us.)

How do I make the voices stop?

(By supporting the strike. The voices are actually all the faculty that have been silenced over the years, so by joining them at the picket lines, the guilt will no longer eat away your brain. By emailing and calling the administration to get the faculty better working conditions, living wages, and health care, you will no longer hear the voices. You will become the new voice for future generations to hear and follow into greatness.)

Why should I egg President Holloway?

(Ex-bestie Holloway needs to be taught a lesson for his silly little words he’s been writing to the Rutgers people. Now, we at The Medium do not condone violence, so I suggest hard-boiling these eggs so that it won’t hurt if one, two, or 20,000 land on Mr. President. But this way the smell still gets on his clothes and people will think that he’s always farting or something. Psychological warfare is actually so much better than actual warfare (we also do not condone war), so mess with his head rather than his body.)

What should I do about the blood clots in my feet now that there’s a strike going on?

(Just ignore them—nothing good comes from actually dealing with your problems. Or if you can’t ignore them, may I suggest just getting rid of them? Puree them. Juice them. We need you on your feet to support the Union. So get yourself on some blood thinners, hope for the best, and get out there to join the strike!)

Why does poop smell like shit?

(It shouldn’t….. I think you should go get that checked out bestie, worried for you.)

How much would you pay for my magic rock?

(Depends on what your magic rock does. *Insert the eyebrow raised emoji* But I’d probably pay anywhere between $69 and $420 for it.)

Why is it so fucking difficult to pay people living wages? (Who knows? You would think that people would remember the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) that they learned when they were young, but it seems that no one remembers this important message. So since there seems to be a forgetting curve about the golden rule, I propose that every employer gets enrolled in a Pre-K or Kindergarten class for a few months so that they are immersed in this environment. When they don’t share with other kids, they get put in time-out and have to face the corner. When they are playing business and don’t give their “employees” a living wage, they get less recess time. When they ignore the complaints of the other kids in class, they don’t get snacky time. Over the months they are reinforced for their behaviors, they will learn the difference between who they were before being in the class and a decent human being. So for example, a university president, such as… idk, for shits and giggles, let’s just say Jonathan Holloway, would be enrolled in a Pre-K class because he is not mature enough to be in a Kindergarten class. He would learn the important things, such as sharing = caring, treating others the way you want to be treated, and to flush after you are done using the potty.)

What do you think about the recent Taylor Swift breakup?

(I don’t care at all. I literally couldn’t give less of a shit about Taylor Swift. However, I love that there is now a conspiracy that every celebrity that was in a couple before they met Rose from Blackpink is no longer a part of that couple. This just shows the power of Blackpink.)

Scab

Word of the Week: n. lower than scum n. someone whose grave will be pissed on when they die from being a loser

Wednesday, April 12th, 2023

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

Throwback Wednesday

DAMN. 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Nick Zysman

In 2017, Kendrick Lamar was the biggest rapper in the world (after Drake). After releasing one of the greatest hip-hop albums of all time in 2015, To Pimp A Butterfly, fans anxiously awaited his next album. On April 14, 2017, Kendrick released his new album DAMN. The album's lyrics, beats, and themes blew fans and critics away. People were so excited that they didn't even notice the weird Black Israelite ideology on the album. But fans were still left asking one question, "If DAMN. is so good, why isn't there a DAMN. 2?"

On April 11, three days before the album's release, a post on the subreddit r/KendrickLamar titled "I THINK I FIGURED OUT KENDRICKS NEW ALBUM." was made by u/ scottvosper. To summarize the post, the user believed that since the album's release date coincided with the Christian holiday Good Friday, which commemorates the death of Jesus, an additional album would be released two days later on Easter, which is the holiday that commemorates the resurrection of Jesus. The user proposed that the new album would be titled NATION. The combined albums would then create DAMNATION. (or I guess DAMNNATION.). This theory became known as "The Second Album Theory" and "The NATION. Theory". On April 13, one of the album's producers, Sounwave, posted a tweet that read, "But what if I told you... that's not the official version.." This tweet was referring to a leaked version of the album, but some fans took it as confirmation for The NATION. Theory. Other evidence for the theory included overanalyzing the album art, Kendrick "dying" in one of the songs on the album, and Kendrick changing his profile pic on Spotify.

Looking back, the whole theory was a load of shit. But keep in mind, the year prior, in 2016, Frank Ocean released a visual album and another album the next day. The idea of an artist releasing an album and then releasing a companion album a week later didn't seem so far-fetched. Sadly, Easter came and went without the release of any new album. Many people were disappointed, but many others knew that no second album was ever coming. Reddit user u/CousinTyrone promised that if a second album wasn't released, he would eat a vinyl copy of Kendrick's album good kid, m.A.A.d city. Like a true Chad, he followed through with his promise and ate a fucking vinyl record.

Fans never saw the release of NATION

However, Kung Fu Kenny still released a follow-up album to DAMN. On December 8, 2017, the DAMN. COLLECTORS EDITION was released. Did this new edition feature new songs or any previously unreleased material? No. Instead, the new edition featured new album art and the track listing was reversed. K.Dot said listening to the album in reverse order had a different "feel", but that's true for like 99 percent of albums. This was clearly a marketing move to capitalize on The NATION. Theory and other fan interpretations. You can still stream and purchase the collector's edition.

MUSIC

“The Medium is more popular than Jesus”

Plot Twist: NATION. Is Real NATION. Tracklist

NATION. may not be real, but here’s what the tracklist would’ve looked like: CUM. RNA. WEH. COMPOUND. TOUCH. DISLOYALTY. (ft. Beyonce) HUMBLE. PRIDE. CHASTITY. HATE. (ft. Who The Fuck Is This?) ZZZ. (ft. Coldplay) BRAVE. DOG. KENDRICK.

Woody Guthrie's Last Song RUTGERS IS UNFAIR!

HOLLOWAY

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

“IT'S LIKE IF SHAQ KILLED HIS EX-WIFE” HOW BIG WAS OJ SIMPSON?

His number was retired by the school.

BY: DOGMEAT JONES

It’s old head corner time once again, you whippersnappers. The reason I have called you to the land of brill cream and LeBron hating is that I don’t think any of you youngins understand the magnitude of OJ Simpson’s popularity before the infamous trial. I will also explain the trial

By: Sports Editor

because I know even more of you youngins don’t know what I am talking about. First, let's start with OJ himself. Orenthal James Simpson is a former football player. In college, he played at USC, where he won a Heisman Trophy in 1968. USC won the national championship in 1967.

This Page is Doomed

Hello Friends, I just want to give you a little behind-the-scenes info about The Medium. I am graduating at the end of this semester (if Holloway stops fucking around and gives the union what they want), so the paper needs a new sports editor. It might surprise you that this paper employs mainly nerds who don’t know the difference between a quarterback and a pitcher.

So to find my heir, I set up a ten-question, open-answered quiz for other members of the medium. It went as well as you expected.

Someone answered “Your Mom” to every question. To the question

“What is Shaquille O’Neal known for” three people answered Shaq-fu, his terrible fighting video games from 1994. One person said football. Another said, “Basketball, commercials, and knockoff Jordans”

Instead of answering San Antonio Spurs to the question, “Which team does Greg Popovich coach for?” one person said The Vatican, and someone else said The Boston 69ers.

For the question, “When is the NHL season?” one person responded, “Canceled; ice no longer freezes due to global warming.”

No one got the question, “What position did Lawrence Taylor play?” right. The correct answer is Outside Linebacker. It is not “football,” “Sports,” or “Morpheus in The Matrix (1999)” The last person was mistaken Taylor for Lawrence Fishburne.

To the question, “What is the draft” three people mentioned beer or a keg, and one person said, “The thing that killed my grandpop in ww2”. In good news, one person got six out of ten correct. The problem is that that person is graduating with me, so this page is fucked. (Editors note: the music editor wanted me to mention that he got two out of ten right, like that was something to brag about. It was the highest score, however.)

He was drafted number one overall to the Buffalo Bills in the 1969 NFL draft and played for ten years. During that period, he won both the NFL MVP and the NFL Offensive Player of the Year in 1973. He was a fivetime Pro Bowler, and he led the league in rushing yards four times. He was the first player to rush more than 2,000 yards in one season, and in total, he rushed for 11,236 yards. OJ is an NFL and College Football Hall of Famer.

OJ also starred in films. He was in numerous movies, including all three of the “Naked Gun” movies. He also was in commercials; his Hertz (a rent-a-car company) ads ran for years and were very popular. Still, he was never far from football; he commentated on Monday Night Football for two years.

OJ (or “Juice,” as he was also known) was a household name and favorite of America. That was until he was arrested in 1994 for the double homicide of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ron Goldman. Before he was arrested, he went on a low-speed chase from the LAPD in a white Bronco. His trial would last 11 months and be called the trial of the century. He was found not guilty but was found responsible in a civil case, so he owes the victims' families $33 million. If you still don’t understand how massive OJ Simpson was, the closest comparison is Shaquille O’Neal in terms of sports success, media presence, and popularity. What’s the wildest part is that OJ is still around; he’s just in Florida playing golf and shit. He’s on Twitter (check him out at @TheRealOJ32).

Rutgers Strike: By The Numbers

0

Classes Attended

0 Respect from Holloway 0

3

Unions on Strike

Classes Held

32 Days until Graduation(?)

Rooting For The Seattle Storm

60,000 Students Just Chilling

Fuck Me, This Page is Fucking Late

Imagine If Shaq Was in that Bronco