Tapeworm Issue
Postponed To Next Week
The Medium No Longer On Strike Due To Nearly Being Replaced By The Daily Medium
Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X
This Is Biden's America
Continued on Page 2
TAPEWORMS ARE JUST SPAGHETTI THAT WOKE UP FROM BED
BY LEXA PREAUX HOSTING A TAPEWORM PARTY
Sexually transmitted diseases and infections are notorious for spreading like horrific wildfire across college campuses, and Rutgers is no exception to the occasional chlamydia outbreak. This March, however, Scarlet Knights became vulnerable to an unusual, rapidly spreading biological threat: tapeworms.
In March 2023 alone, Rutgers health centers recorded 74 student patients diagnosed with symptoms suggestive of a tapeworm, with 58 of those patients confirming their diagnoses of having a tapeworm after being referred to specialists at Robert Wood Johnson. These numbers, although small in comparison
to Rutgers’s large population, are entirely unheard of. Hurtado Health center was the first to report these findings to the CDC, which quickly prompted an investigation. The CDC is said to be testing water sources across many buildings over campus, including every residence hall. All food retailers are also said to be inspected thoroughly, with an emphasis on dining halls.
WHO THE FUCK IS FAITH DOROTHEA KALAEIOUYGH AEHTOROD IDITAROD
MCNAUGHTON?
Local Woman Put The W In Wage Gap
I'm Pooping RN While Preparing This Paper
Today, more and more students are falling ill, infected by the tapeworm parasite, and no public statement has been made by the university. Little information has been released by the CDC, and President Holloway’s failure to speak on this public health threat has left students and faculty in the dark, and those who haven’t caught wind of the
Continued on Page 2
I Should’ve Put More “Sauce” In The Fettuccine [DO NOT REMOVE THIS, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE GRAMATACALY INCORRECT]
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AGAIN WITH THIS NONSENSE... GOD, IT'S HOT IN THIS PRODUCTION ROOM
Seriously, man? Why is it that you feel the need to spew this absolute bullshit to everyone out here? Are you just genuinely intimidated enough by these guys that you feel the need to just lie to us? Get it together, man!
...continued from front
I NOW HAVE A
CONSTANT
upsurge in tapeworms all the more vulnerable. Some professors and administrators have suggested that Holloway's silence is due to the University’s lack of resources and preparation to address the unique epidemic of tapeworms. One public health professor reportedly stated to one of their classes that Universities are typically well prepared to address the spread of things like the cold and flu and STIs– and it’s no surprise that the spread of tapeworms was entirely unforeseen.
Regardless of poor preparation, students have begun speaking out, demanding answers and any acknowledgement of their lack of safety on campus.
BUSCH PARKING LOTS TO BE CONVERTED TO SOLAR FARMS
remember that I left my car at Busch to begin with, my guy! Only way I figured it out was when I saw that I had a $70 fine from the college for parking in a spot I paid for to begin with!” Naturally, this begs the question: why would Rutgers implement such a hasty change to begin with?
Many questions have been raised: First, and most obvious: How could negligence get this far that parasites are rapidly infecting students? How is the University going to fix the spread of parasites? Why has this silence gone on for so long? Is it an attempt to sweep a public health crisis under the rug in favor of bringing in new admissions, or is this plainly a matter of time taken for proper and thorough acknowledgement? More questions and concerns are raised as more students fall ill, ignored and left with no answers. {Editor's Note: If you or someone close to you is suffering from tapeworms, dial 1-800-TAPWORM for medical assistance.]
Within the past month, Rutgers University has begun the process of constructing a series of solar farms in order to replace parking lots across campus, with the work recently being focused on Busch Campus, notably on Lot 67 and 58B. This has inevitably forced hundreds of students who’ve already paid for Busch parking permits toquickly relocate their vehicles to hastily prepared parking lots. Furthermore, there proved to be little warning about the construction of the panels to begin with, as many students have only become aware of the construction within the past week or two once signs were actually placed in the parking lots themselves. One student we interviewed said, “I didn’t even
Initially, we interviewed Bud Bureaucratsky, a senior accountant for Rutgers University, in regards for the reasoning behind the sudden conversion of the lots. To state his words, “Well after checking the books, running some calculations, and chucking God knows how much shit at the wall, the administration arrived to the conclusion that a good way to save even more money for the football team is to simply prop up as many of these solar panels as possible, and since no one gives a shit about Busch, we figured we might as well set them up in the parking lots! After they’re
In addition to the reasoning stated above, it was also mentioned that the newlyconstructed farms would be built not just for monetary purposes, but would also serve to better inconvenience Rutgers students than parking lots have ever done in the past.
When asked if there’d be any further plans for these solar farms in the future, Bureaucratsky simply said, “Cows. Lots and lots and lots and lots of cows. Like, a shitload of them.”
The solar farms are, according to current reports, projected to be completed by the end of the summer.
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“Having tapeworms is such a slay”
1. Do you avoid going to the basement to do your laundry, even if all the lights are on?
Yes: I am sorry, you have not overcome your fear of the dark :( No: Please continue to the next question.
2. Do you jump and scream “Mommy!” every time someone turns the lights off on you?
Yes: Mommy will come to save you because you can’t do it yourself, you 20-year-old freeloader. No: Good job so far I guess, go to question 3.
3. Do you sleep with a night light on?
Yes: NIGHT LIGHT??? Seriously???
1. Benedict Cumberbatch- this one’s just selfexplanatory. He looks so inflamed and puffy that he resembles a tapeworm. The tapeworm actually came first and then reproduced to create Benedict Cucumber.
2. Ed Sheeran- I once had a ginger tapeworm; this was the most famous ginger I could think of (besides Ice Spice). This was also the worst case of tapeworms I have ever had simply because it was ginger.
3. Gordon Ramsey- He cooks and tapeworms are often found in food. Coincidence? I think not.
4. Prince Charles- He’s old and wrinkly, just like a tapeworm! And, his family did a lot of colonizing, just like tapeworms do.
5. The Demogorgon from Stranger Things- Both have sharp features, a chiseled jawline, and a gaping hole at the center of their face. However, you can only survive one (hint: it’s not the tapeworm).
6. James Charles- If James Charles tried enough, he could do a tapeworm-inspired makeup look. Plus, he’s got the lashes to look like a tapeworm.
7. Kim Kardashian- She’s had too much plastic surgery that she’s starting to look like a tapeworm.
8. Timothee Chalamet- I know this is a controversial opinion, but he looks sickly and tapeworms make people look sickly. Maybe he looks like a tapeworm because he has a few living inside of him.
9. Nicole Kidman- I have no idea why, she just gives off tapeworm vibes, ya feel?
10. Your Mom- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No: You’re getting warmer bestie, almost there! Next question, whore.
4. Have you ever had a 4-year-old make fun of you for being scared of the dark?
Yes: It was justified bullying, you deserved that. Please proceed to the next question. No: Nice, you’ve achieved the bare minimum.
5. Do you make fun of other people who are afraid of the dark?
Yes: Congratulations! You have overcome your fear! Next time someone tries to shut the lights off on you, you will be prepared. But I will still make fun of you for having been afraid of the dark. No: Sorry bestie, you’re still afraid of the dark, and at this rate, you might be for the rest of your life.
1. Write for The Medium: I dish out every single thing that happens to me in this paper. I know it's always TMI, but do I really give a fuck? No.
2. Trolling people: I love being a menace which is why I send heinous messages to a lot of the GroupMe’s that I am in. So, if you see me saying something in a GroupMe, be prepared.
3. Drowning myself in my music: I listen to my music on full blast almost 24/7 so I can be closer to becoming Helen Keller.
4. Driving the Rutgers Bus: Whenever I want the Rutgers Bus to run me over, I just go ahead and drive it when the drivers stop to take a break. My favorite is when they stop at the College Ave Student Center and I get to run over the College Ave people.
5. Going on Hinge: I love Hinge solely because I see everyone and their mom on that app. The voice prompt feature makes me not want to unalive myself because some of the people on that app are so stupid.
How do you feel about a potential strike?
" They can’t Bring in subs! I wanna be taught by doms!"
-Mark
Not all there but he's got the spirit.
-Union Enjoyer
This guy LOVES picket lines.
Is a wreck right now
Well Donald Trump the day has finally come. You thought you could be a dirty rotten criminal and get away with it. Well guess what. Fucker. Tides have changed and now you're in jail.
You idiot, you’re in jail! In jail forever for being a nasty crook you damn moron.
Fuck you loser you’re in the doghouse now! You’re in so much trouble and I’m not. Our loyal American Jurors will find your stupid ass guilty for infinity years. I’m laughing so hard at your misfortune “sir” (note how I say ‘sir’ sarcastically because truly Mr. Trump I do not respect your dumbass).
I have so many hilarious jokes to say about your come muppets. You’re probably gonna be so pissed because you can’t go to Mar-a-Lago and play GOLF you stupid bastard man. Commander in chief more like Prisoner in Chief. I literally have hours of these jokes and my friends and families love them so much.
Hey shit head they don’t let you have twitter in jail which I know is your favorite app. That’s too bad becaus I’ve started a new account called @PrisonTrump.@ PrisonTrump will say things like “I didn’t mean build a wall AROUND ME!!” and “Damn it, I’m in jail for being stupid!” and “Where’s a fuckin’ covfefe when you need it!”.
There are cameras in the burgers. I went to Ruby Tuesday once in 1973. It was the dead of winter, and I could feel my bones beginning to fracture like slabs of ice slammed against concrete. I was starving for warmth. Starving for a sense of belonging. Starving for burger. I didn’t go to Ruby Tuesday, Ruby Tuesday came to me, much like horrific visions detailing my countless violent futures come to me in dreams. I could not foresee what would happen to me in the hallowed halls of Ruby Tuesday, however. The waiter had kind eyes. He was a college student, waiting tables on the side, but with a big dream of becoming a Hollywood star in focus. I asked for burger, and boy did that thespian provide. He brought me burger. Ruby Tuesday burger. I bit into burger, and I sprung back to life, much like my sweet old father sprung back to life when my sister and I dug up his casket, stole his watch, and resurrected him so he could tell us his secrets of the war. Oh no! Another burger bite. CRUNCH! GLASS! Thousands of wires, and I mean THOUSANDS. I swallowed that camera, and it saw my secret organs. With no hesitation, I picked up my picket sign and went to work. RUBY TUESDAY PUT CAMERA IN MY BURGER. RUBY TUESDAY WANT MY SECRETS SO THEY PUT CAMERA IN MY BURGER. I led the movement and bit people when they tried to go into Ruby Tuesday. It was when I bit a senator that my diligent ass got thrown into the slammer, but I saved that senator from Burger Camera. I am the movement. The voice of the people. I will end you, Ruby Tuesday.
WAZZZZZZUP!!!!
Scream VI Review: Scream did not make me Cream BY JUSTIN GORGED
The Scream Franchise of films has been widely loved for its meta commentary on the horror genre-in the first movie, ever since that film the franchise ha been on a downward spiral, thinking that they can counter their lackluster storytelling and retreading through “wink-wink nudgenudge" references to the audience. If they acknowledge the trash, it's no longer trash, or at least they think.
This trend was broken with Scream V, with the movie being framed through the lense of a Requel (A reboot sequel), something the filmmakers will NEVER let you forget about through the runtime of this film. I’m sure five was good, I don’t know, I’ve never seen it.
Ya know what fuck it, I’ve never seen a single goddamn Scream movie aside from this most recent one, and after this, I do not think I will ever watch another one. The film is constantly bogged down by incredibly blatant references to the legacy of the franchise, acknowledgement of the franchise, acknowledgement of the washed-out tropes this film is using, as well as the BLANDEST, MOST CORPORATE BOARDROOM DIALOGUE EVER WRITTEN. Overall, Scream VI did not make me cream, and I don’t think any of these goddamn movies will ever give me any form of gratification, sexual or otherwise. Stay tuned for my review of the Mario Movie: Will Mario make me feel something my bitch wife hasn’t in years?
"She form on my opinion until...I...I...Until I Cum?" [INCORRECT BUZZER] UNIVERSITY VOICES
IM SO UP RN
“I ain’t gettin taught by no goddamn scab.”
“This is almost as bad as my parents divorce.”
-Jimmy Donaldson
HILARIOUS COMEDIAN
Wednesday, April 5rd, 2023
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"I got tickets to see Twice!”
THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF HOLLO-NO-WAY
BY ZZIRM*PRETEND I AM STARING AT YOU *IN -
HALE* *EXHALE* *INHALE* *EXHALE*
*INHALE* *DEEP EXHALE* *INHALE*
*DEEPER EXHALE* *BLACKHOLE
ADJACENT INHALE* I'VE SEEN THE FACE OF GOD AND IT WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED IF YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE PITCH MEETING AT LSC
202AB. *EARTH SHATTERING EX -
HALE*
THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF THE NEW SEASON BY JEFF ARTS
(Unpaid interns (otherwise known as Rutgers grad students).)
When will I hear back from all the internships I applied to?
(She gave you a fake number bro.)
Precisely how many holes do I have?
(Precisely 12. I know you think it’s actually in the 6-7 range, but you are wrong. Check yourself, you’ll find the other ones. You ever wonder why liquids are always dripping from your body? It's your extra holes.)
Have you read the BTS fanfiction where Jungkook doesn’t eat anything but meat for 3 days to the point where his shit is 100% solidified and Jin takes chopsticks and reaches in his asshole to pull out the shit??
(Yeah, that shit slaps.)
Should I buy a house in Detroit?
(Yes. Big Sean is from Detroit, so you should also live in Detroit. It is actually scientifically proven that the reason Big Sean is so…. well, big… is because his balls adjusted to the cold weather up there. No more “turtle dick syndrome” as they say. Be big like Big Sean and live in Detroit (paid for by the State of Michigan.)
What sin should I have committed in my name this week?
(Greed: you deserve it. Unless your name is Jonathan Holloway, then you can stop being a greedy cunt and give your employees a living wage.)
Where is my hat?
(Have you checked your head? Honest, just start checking everyone's heads. If I were a hat, I would give... I mean put myself on a head.)
Is Jesus a top or bottom?
(For centuries, this has been the most asked question on search engine platforms such as Google, Reddit, Quora, and Wattpad. Some believe that being crucified exudes pure bottom energy and there are even arguments that can be made for Jesus being a power bottom. Others believed that if he could walk on water, he could surely ride on top. Another argument could be made for top Jesus because, according to Catholicism, a bunch of people put his meat in their mouth every week. However, the clear answer here is that Jesus is a true vers: he was directly in the middle of the twelve (exactly 6 on top and 6 on bottom). You can’t just call your sexual partners your disciples and get away with it without consequences. Bibliogists have compared the gospel for years and have found various accounts of what teens today call “kissing the homies goodnight.”)
Why do people at the bar look at me weird when I order a pitcher of beer for myself?
(Because they don’t understand the highs and lows of high school football. So what if they had to drop out of elementary school to sell drugs so that they could support their grandmas? Grow up bro.)
How do you fill out this whole page every week? Strike?
Wednesday, April 5th, 2023
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Y'all like music?
Last March, there were a bunch of interesting albums that dropped. Unfortunately, we were too lazy to cover any of them. So we are going to do mini-reviews to cover everything we missed last month.
UGLY by Slowthai
Slowthai, I love you, but you can’t just spell the song’s title and call that the hook. You REALLY can’t do that for two songs. Slowthai continues his style of having songs with Ol’ Dirty Bastard-style bars followed by the most depressing song ever.
10,000 Gecs by 100 Gecs
You can only shit talk this album if you have a minimum of 10,001 gecs. Sorry, them's the rules. Whoever has the most gecs wins.
Scaring the Hoes by JPEGMafia and Danny Brown
To prove that this will be album of the year, I will list off some track titles: “Lean Beef Patty”, “Steppa Pig”, “Fentanyl Tester”, and “Jack Harlow Combo Meal”.
Ignore Grief by Xiu Xiu
This album should’ve been called “Scaring the Hoes”. Xiu Xiu are pioneers in hoe scaring music.
Live at Bush Hall by Black Country, New Road
Only Black Country, New Road can make repeating the phrase “I’m only a pig” so emotional. I was disappointed when lead singer Isaac Wood announced he was leaving the band. But this new album showed they still have a lot of gas in the tank.
Lil Pump 2 by Lil Pump
There’s a metal song on here. It is the worst song ever made. I’ve had food poisoning that was a more pleasant experience than this album.
Ben by Macklemore
Macklemore’s Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. This album is less than an hour but feels like three. Tones and I is featured on the first track. Don’t bother listening to the rest of the album. Half of these songs will be on repeat in Old Navy anyway.
Fantasy by M83
Those cheese-eating surrender monkeys did it. They created another enjoyable dream pop album. However, the album cover makes me feel uncomfortable.
Endless Summer Vacation by Miley Cyrus
Isn’t it kinda early for a summer album. At least wait until May.
READY TO BE by TWICE
I like some of the songs. But I have no idea what they’re saying half the time. It’s like they’re speaking Italian or something.
“Ryuichi Sakamoto: 1/17/1952-3/28/2023”
Each picture below represents a different genre. Can you guess which genre each picture is meant to represent? Check the Sports page for the answers.
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Answers for A7: A. Math Rock B. Shoegaze C. Bossa Nova D.Norwegian Black Metal
Oh, March has gotten Mad once again with the NCAA Men’s basketball tournament. Where the best 64 (68 with the plays in) Division I teams play in a single elimination tournament to crown the National Championship. These three weeks are some of the best in the sports world. I waited with bated breath to see where Rutgers would end in the tournament.
Our position in the championship was not guaranteed, but still, we had a shot. Sadly, the Scarlet Knights would not be Mad in March as we did not make the tournament. This was nothing more than a terrible snub, and Governor Murphy agrees. Fuck it, Rutgers became one of the first seeds for the National Invitational Tournament, a competition older than March Madness that's for all the teams who are good, but still rejected from the more popular contest. That’s what I’ll do; I’ll ignore the joke of the NCAA and focus on Rutgers’ revenge tour in the NIT. If they won the NIT, it would have been the ultimate fuck you
to those pompous assholes of the NCAA committee. This was before Rutgers lost in the first round to Hofstra 88-86 in overtime. I then went back to acting like the NIT doesn’t exist and following March Madness instead. For further enjoyment, I picked a couple of teams to root for in the best way: Petty reasons. If you choose your team because they’re “good,” you’re a fucking dork and are doing sports fandom wrong.
The teams I chose were: the University of Miami (because in the 80s, when Miami was being built on a mountain of coke, the university gladly took term payments in cash), NC State, and the University of North Carolina at Ashville (because it’s really fucking funny that UNC didn’t make the tournament this year).
I also chose several I wanted to see lose, because hating on teams I despise is much more fun than cheering for teams I like. I wished downfall upon Alabama, Princeton, Purdue, Duke, and Arizona State. Alabama because Skip Bayless chose them to win, and I don’t want that bastard ever to be right. Princeton
Fans and corporations across the globe have been trying to make the World Baseball Classic into a legitimate and respected contest in its own right since 2006. Naysayers be damned, this was clearly the most successful attempt yet. The explosive reactions of the Czech fans proved that an international audience does indeed exist. The contest was pushed into the American eye by the insisted participation of stars like Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani. With the benefit of hindsight, we will now look at some pros and cons of the experiment.
Con: Mets ace reliever Edwin Diaz got injured participating in what small-minded nationalistic assholes are calling an "unnecessary" game in a "silly" competition that "isn't even real baseball". To be fair, he did get injured celebrating.
Pro: Mets ace reliever Edwin Diaz got injured. As a Mets fan, I should be the last one celebrating, but I'd like to point to the 99% of games Edwin Diaz blew through shitty pitching or straight-up fielding errors the years prior to him becoming Mr. Goated-Trumpet-Boy.
Con: America lost to Japan again (if you're American and not Lars Nootbaar)
Pro: Japan beat America again (if you're not American or you ARE Lars Nootbaar)
Con: The Taiwanese team was referred to as Chinese Taipei for reasons that I am definitely not qualified to comment on with any authority (Desire to have China participate? Fear of retribution or boycotting?)
Pro: Confusion over the above naming discrepancy caused a bunch of confused Americans to start looking into global geopolitics for the first time!
It doesn't matter which country won, because at the end of the day the
because they are classic Rutgers rivals; also, they are too scared to play us in football anymore. Purdue because those sons of bitches beat us in the Big Ten tournament. Duke, because I can’t stand those blueblood fucks. Finally, Arizona State because I think Rutgers needs more rivals, and it would be funny to beef with a random school like ASU; also, they are some dumb motherfuckers. As per the rules of hating, I will follow whichever teams eliminate my foes. My picks were slaughtered in the first round; only Miami went to the second round. The good news, though, is Purdue lost to Fairleigh Dickinson University 63-58, and Arizona State lost to TCU 72-70.
In the second round, Miami continued to win, but my other favorites didn’t fare as well. FDU lost to DAU 78-70, and TCU lost to Gonzaga 84-81. For my hate tour, Duke lost to Tennessee 6552. I now root for Tennessee.
In the Sweet Sixteen, Miami once again claimed victory. FAU destroyed one of my preferences again, with Tennessee losing 62-
55. My campaign of hate has one of its most successful rounds as Alabama fell to San Diego State 71-64 and Creighton conquered Princeton 86-75.
In the Elite Eight, Miami continued its crusade with the destruction of Texas 88-81. My other favorites met in battle as San Diego St. beat Creighton 5756.
In the final four, Miami’s run came to an end as UCONN stomped the Canes 72-59. San Diego St. is going to the finals after a victory against FAU 7271.
Since we go to the printers before the final game, I can’t react to the championship game, so here are both outcomes.
If San Diego St. Wins: Yes, what a wonderful outcome. It was a beautiful Cinderella story and couldn’t happen to a better team. It shows you can’t predict March Madness. It's the team's first-ever national championship. A great moment for college basketball.
If UCONN Wins: GODDAMN FUCKING BLUEBLOODS. What a fucking boring outcome. Who gives a fuck about these
Opening Day: By The Numbers
15 Games Played
1
Run That The Astros Lost By (HA)
140 Million People Watched
30 Teams In Action
4
Runs That The Phillies Lost By (God Damn It)
117 Million People Fell Asleep By The 7th Inning