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IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS
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Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com
Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com
DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH
d
of the Wor
ld
MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE
That’s great, it starts with a prophecy, pseudo-science on TLC—Louie C.K.’s dad needs voter ID. Times Square hurricane, hipster with a butter churn. Yelp is for shitheads, please don’t be a shithead. Feed it off your iPad, smart, no, snark. Your neighbors are belabored with small talks, art walks. Wireless perspire, playing hella shooter games, bongs will make you higher than a vaporizer might. Right of right and coming with a filibust, private trust, ringing up… your… debt. Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, fired. Look at that bass drop! Fuck. Dubstep. Uh oh, overflow, population, tweet your food, and blog it, too. Don’t shave yourself, serve yourself. Yelp’s still for shitheads, use it then your heart’s dead.
En
by Ian Karmel
Dummy with the CAPTCHA, can’t get my password right— right. You Hipstamatic, Democratic, slam, bright, white, quite right, don’t be so uptight. [Chorus] It’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. Wheneverthefuck, Hulu hour. Watch three days without a shower. Ben and Jerry’s, Chuck and Larry’s, buy your soup at Cash & Carrys. Dropping out, uniforming, coffee pouring, blood selling. Every mom in
Escalade. Automotive degradate. Buy a banjo, buy a moped. Step down! Step down! Watch your credit drop, dropped. Uh oh, this means flop house, no spouse, then you’re getting deloused. A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of bands. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline. [Chorus] The other night I Googled Grimes. Generational divide. Feeling old before my time. CAMRYN MANHEIM. Cam’ron. Mankind. Dave Chappelle and Lance Bangs. Birthday party, cake pop, bacon doughnut, boom! You broken-hearted, Wikismarteds. Face. Book. Check. Right? Whatever. [Chorus] @IanKarmel
Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com
YOUR ANONYMOUS RANTS FROM THE MERCURY ’S I, ANONYMOUS BLOG ILLUSTRATED BY KALAH ALLEN
DOG DAYS OF BUMMER I didn’t break up with you because of the reasons I stated. I was just too embarrassed to tell you the truth, so I made up some stupid reason and stuck with it. I wanted to tell you, but I know how petty I would sound: You are completely obsessed with your fucking dog. You treat him like a spoiled child, and having to compete for your attention was something I couldn’t continue. When he would jump all over me, you’d just laugh and say, “He likes you!” You let him sleep in between us, and I felt like I was cuddling a smelly dog all night. He ruled your world, not me. He got undivided attention, not me. How could I say I’m breaking up with you because I felt inferior to your dog? How would that make me look? The last straw was when you made ME sit in the backseat while your dog rode shotgun. That was just too humiliating, and that’s when I decided to break up with you. I’ll never forget that lady’s face as we drove by with your dog’s silhouette in the passenger seat and my sorry ass in the back… I could tell she knew my pain.—Anonymous
UNDERWORLD // KAZ
Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com
Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com.
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 51