The Portland Mercury, December 19, 2012 (Vol. 13, No. 31)
Portland's Most Awesome Weekly Newspaper. Covering Portland news, politics, music, film, and arts; plus movie times, club calendars, restaurant listings, forums and blogs.
FREE EVERY WEDNESDAY / VOL • 13 NO • 31 / DECEMBER 19-25, 2012 / Birthday Party, Cheesecake, Jellybean, Boom. SA ADA M VOIC MS’ FAR EMAILS: EWE TO C RAZ LL P. 6 Y APOCALYPSE P. 11 THE MAYAN THE MERCURY ’S GUIDE TO FILM YOUR HOLIDAY MOVIE ROUNDUP! P.43 MUSIC THE TOP FIVE RECORDS OF 2012! P.19 UNCLE HO! HO! HO! ADOPTAN-UNCLE RETURNS! P.5 for a full schedule visit WWW.mikETHRAsHERpREsENTs.cOm follow us online at: facebook.com/mikethrasherPresents · twitter.com/mikethrasherPdX · www.mysPace.com/mikethrasherPresents 21 ANd OvER sHOW! H A W T H O R N thIs fRi E fRi dEc T H LONERO E & spLiNTEREd THRONE A ANd T 21 OvER E sHOW! R 7:00pm doors 21 and over R AnonymiA • Dusks embrAce y AmericAn roulette tetrAmorphic & WorlDs Without sun sAT dEc 7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id BLack chrIstmas 2013 c 21 22 sAT headBanGer’s neW year’s eve BaLL thIs s T A L b A L L R O O m & yOuNgbLOOd HAWkE 7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id TuE jAN 8 mON dEc 8:00pm doors 21 and over 31 AdvANcE 21 ANd OvER sHOW! $8 ONLy & THE suicidE NOTEs sAT dEc 7:30pm doors 21 and over (a trIBute to judas prIest) Hellion (a trIBute to dIo) 29 11 Holy Diver & (a HigHway Star trIBute to deep purpLe) TickETs gOiNg fAsT! 21 ANd OvER sHOW! fRi jAN kARL dENsON suN jAN 7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id fEATuRiNg 7:00pm doors 21 and over 6:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id suN jAN 13 R O s E L A N d T H E A T E R 20 23 & mARLON AsHER 855-Cas-tIXX X2 1332 w burnsIde st Bass pLayer for joe satrIanI, steve vaI and erIc johnson WEd jAN & EARTH TO AsHEs mON jAN TExAs iN juLy · vOLumEs & cApTuRE THE cROWN WOE is mE 7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id 7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id 21 brotHers of brutalIty revolver and roCkstar present dEviN TOWNsENd pROjEcT & THE ATLAs mOTH WEd jAN 5:30pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id 23 uNEARTH THE pLOT iN yOu & ObEy THE bRAvE & WARbEAsT 6:30pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id mON mAR 11 sAT jAN 6:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id 26 sAT fEb 7:00pm doors 21 and over AT THE skyLiNEs upON THis dAWNiNg & vERAH fALLs i dEcLARE WAR 16 21 ANd OvER sHOW! mARiAcHi EL bRONx & dONOTs LOdy kONg & 30 pOuNd TEsT 7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id iNciTE TuE fEb 19 THu fEb 8:00pm doors 21 and over 21 21 ANd OvER sHOW! ROgER sTEffENs 21 ANd OvER sHOW! the WaILers perform survIvaL WIth specIaL Guest WaILers hIstorIan on saLe 10:00am 503-224-tIXX fRi 7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id WEd mAy 1 fRi fEb 7:00pm doors 21 and over 22 8 nw sIXtH avenue 503-224-tIXX 21 ANd OvER sHOW! on saLe 10:00am fRi 1 5 0 7 s e 3 9 t H a v e n u e 855-Cas-tIXX X2 on saLe fRi 10:00am TuE ApR 6:30pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id fRi mAR 1 7:00pm doors 21 and over 9 855-Cas-tIXX X2 & LANgHORNE sLim 855-Cas-tIXX X2 W O N d E R b A L L R O O m & judgEmENT dAy THu jAN 8:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id 24 877.4.fly.tIX 128 ne russell st cOmiNg lady starlight · d.r.i. · hot water music · sabaton · doro · uli jon roth · g-eazy · rebelution sOON: g. love and sPecial sauce · frightened rabbit · imagine dragons · murs · nile · soilwork 2 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012 www.mikethrasherPresents.com for complete details and info on how to get your tickets early go to News Feature Picks Music Arts Food Film Sex TV Fun NOTES firstname.lastname@example.org LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE KISSING SAM GOODBYE RE: “How to Get Shit Done in Portland” [Feature, Dec 12], an exit interview with soon-to-be-former Mayor Sam Adams, in which he shares what he learned during his time in Portland City Hall. I thought Adams was an exceptional leader, mayor, and all-around very intelligent politician. Adams would command a room, “No applause.” In doing so, he dismissed the capability of the majority to express itself, and he would do this under the pretext of expediting the “process.” Rationally, this was ridiculous, and by no means were people obligated to abide by his commands, yet people did. My only condemnation would be his inability to share his perspective on a situation. He did this purposefully to disable people from countering his perspective and attacking his position. The unfortunate side of this was that if Adams truly had a more informed opinion, it rarely spread beyond his inner circle. It was difficult to convince that man of anything; what Adams wanted to do, he was going to do, and be damned if there were alternatives or naysayers. That’s leadership and tyranny—but at least Adams was virtuous, even if I disagreed with him. posted by ﬁdelity axiom “Events as they occur in Middleearth.” A common criticism of this ﬁlm has been that, while LOTR was trimmed down, this film has been bloated with extra material. I’d like to remind people that, although the original film trilogy is great and deservedly beloved, it also threw in quite a bit of extra material and changed some events entirely while sacrificing important bits of story. The Barrow-wights and Tom Bombadil from Fellowship? Sam becoming a temporary ring-bearer in Return? “The Scouring of the Shire”? Gone. Instead we had an overemphasis on the Aragorn-Arwen relationship, the Aragorn-Eowyn relationship, Frodo being brought to Osgiliath (never happened), Aragorn’s near-death experience (never happened), and bloated battle scenes where Legolas does something cool. These could be considered detrimental to these films, but a lot of what was added was based on Tolkien material and ended up adding to the story and the emotional impact. The difference with this film is that we’re getting the whole story, no sacrifices, with all the elements from Tolkien’s notes, appendices, and The Silmarillion. The Hobbit book is largely nonsensical by itself. This movie adaptation is giving us answers that have been clued in over years of Tolkien’s writings, but were not in the original book. It is not fucking “Hamburger Helper.” That awful dwarf song about washing dishes, though… straight from the book. I read that scene for the first time while tripping on mushrooms. I’d consider it an abomination for it to not be included. posted by James Watkinson JESUS H. CHRIST, James. You win this week’s Mercury letter of the week, not because we understood more than 30 percent of what you just said, but because we’d rather live in a world where we’re still excited about The Hobbit trilogy, and you’ve given us that. So please enjoy two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where excitement always runs high. Bagdad TheaTer 3702 S.e. hawthorne 503-236-9234 mcmenamins.com Monday, December 31 · New Year's Celebration with AND The Jerry Joseph JACKMorMoNs Featuring: Jenny Conlee-Drizos & The Paul Brainard Horns! $20 adv · www.jerryjoseph.com THE CRYSTAL HOTEL & BALLROOM thur and fri dec 27-28 all ages TWO NIGHTS! CRYSTAL BALLROOM Abstract Earth presents McMenaMins and True WesT presenT... New Year’s eve ruN 2012!! RailRoad EaRth Dec 29, 30 & 31 12/29· Tumbleweed Wanderers 12/30· Fruition all ages (12/31 is 21+) fri jan 11 all ages BEATS ANTIQUE Floater Tiny Lady (feat. members of danava & witch Mountain) Mardis Gras Party! 80s VIDEO DANCE ATTACK FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21 8 PM $6 21+OVER Sam’s accomplishments should include failing to pay his mortgage, T-boning another motorist in a fit of road rage, and not being, by the skin of [his] teeth, a registered sex offender. The Mercury’s fawning over this dried turd of a human, who basically hid under his desk for the first two years of his mayoralty, is about as low as journalism gets. posted by woodstalker WITH VJ KITTYROX CRYSTAL BALLROOM sat dec 22 $6 • 9 p.m. • 21 & over • lola’s room TickeTs on sale now! MEANWHILE, IN MIDDLE-EARTH… RE: “The Tears of the Nerds” [Film, Dec 12], in which Film Editor Erik Henriksen reviews The Hobbit, painfully taking it to task for its bloated, meandering storyline and sundry disappointments. Is Bombadil in any of these? Since he wasn’t in [The Lord of the Rings], I think he should be. I’m thinking William H. Macy, and Lindsay Lohan in a bad wig as Goldberry. posted by Todd Mecklem Todd—Is this a deliberate attempt at a joke? Bombadil appears nowhere in the timeline of The Hobbit, and while much was added into Jackson’s vision for the adaptation for the sake of coming out of it with a trilogy, at least everything that occurs is within the timeline of events as they occur in Middle-earth. posted by mediocre portlandmercury.com EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Wm. Steven Humphrey MANAGING EDITOR Marjorie Skinner NEWS Denis C. Theriault, Sarah Mirk SENIOR EDITOR Erik Henriksen MUSIC Ned Lannamann ARTS/WEB EDITOR Alison Hallett FOOD Chris Onstad COPY CHIEF Courtney Ferguson CALENDAR Bobby Roberts PRODUCTION MANAGER Joe Davis SENIOR DESIGNER Nick Olmstead AD DESIGNER Nami Bigos ART DIRECTOR Justin “Scrappers” Morrison COVER PHOTO: Dr. Theopolis COVER ART: moe. fri mar 1 all ages 12/22 1/19 tue feb 12 21 & over OrgOne with special guests happy hOur w/ flOating pOinte-ringlers 1/8 keane 1/18 80s weekend: 80s VideO danCe attaCk 80s weekend: last ChanCe winter danCe w/ radiCal reVOlutiOn 1/20 slightly stOOpid 1/25 sChOOl Of rOCk: Best Of pOrtland 2 1/27 Crystal Birthday w/ hOt Buttered rum 2/6 ellie gOulding 2/8 super diamOnd 2/16 leftOVer salmOn 2/21 sOund triBe seCtOr 9 2/23 galaCtiC 2/27 fade tO light 3/2 alaBama shakes 3/15 Big head tOdd & the mOnsters 3/20 fun. 3/21 jOsh ritter 3/22 geOrge ClintOn 3/23 reBelutiOn · j BOOg · hOt rain 4/7 the airBOrne tOxiC eVent 4/25 lOCal natiVes 4/28 dawes/dr dOg Neil Krug neilkrug.com This photo is from Krug's Pulp Art Book: Volume Two available now at Ampersand, 2916 NE Alberta danceonair.com AL’S DEn HOTEL at CRYSTAL FREE LIVE MUSIC nIghtLy · 7 PM 12/20-22 115 SW Ash St., Suite 600 Portland, OR 97204 • 503-294-0840 • email@example.com INTERNS Kathleen Marie-Barnett, Rose Finn, Cara Mico, Cheyenne Sophia Ruth DIRECTOR OF CIRCULATION Jay Williams SALES DIRECTOR Rob Thompson SALES COORDINATOR Tonya Ray DIGITAL SALES MANAGER James Deeley ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Sarah Elliott, Katie Peifer, Marissa Sullivan ALTPERKS OPERATIONS MANAGER Michelle David OFFICE MANAGER Noah Dunham GENERAL MANAGER Katie Lake PUBLISHER Rob Crocker saM eliad redwood son mcmenamins.com 12/23-29 ED FoRMAn Show - late-night talk show Mix of coMedy, Music, and interviews – thursdays thru saturdays at 10:30PM Ballroom: 1332 W. Burnside · (503) 225-0047 · Hotel: 303 S.W. 12th Ave · (503) 972-2670 CASCADE TICKETS cascadetickets.com 1-855-CAS-TIXX Outlets: Crystal BallrOOm BOx OffiCe, Bagdad theater, edgefield, east 19th st. Café (eugene) December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 3 N E X T PDX ORE Inform · Outﬁt · Excite A DV DV E N T U R E OR R SHERPA CIRQUE E LITHANG L SOFTSHELL JACKET JACKET T Blue akash/ In Salsa. . darjeeline mist. LIST $145 5 LIST $190 WOMEN’S OUTERWEAR OR ARIA Down jacket in plum. LIST $225 CROSS COUNTRY TRY Y WHO OLE F AMILY! PACKAGES FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY! MEN’S CROSS COUNTRY PACKAGE Includes Alpina Frontier ski, Alpina T-trek k boot, NNN bindings, and poles. LIST $300 PACKAGE PRICE $199 WOMEN’S CROSS COUNTRY PACKAGE Includes Rossignol Attraxion 1 skis, Rossignol X5 boots, NNN bindings, and Rossignol Attraction Poles. LIST $350 PACKAGE PRICE $199 KID’S CROSS COUNTRY PACKAGE Karhu Pioneer ski, Whitewoods boots, NNN Dino bindings, and poles. LIST $200 PACKAGE PRICE $139 OUR PRICE $139.99 OUR PRICE $119.99 OUR R PRICE E $89.99 9 SKI DEPARTMENT DEALS ATOMIC LF 70 2012/2013 Men’s and women’s. LIST $310.00 ROSSIGNOL ROOKIE KIDS BINDING LIST $60 SALE $24.99 OUR PRICE $249.99! DEMO FLEET is mounted waxed and ready for your next skiing day! TECHNINE E P WASSUP ROCKER R BINDING G LIST $150 0 SNOBOARD DEALS ATOMIC POACHER SPLITBOARD Includes board, bindings, crampons, and skins! LIST $900 HEAD IGNITION ROCKA LIST $329 SALE $199 RED REDPHO REDPHONES Upgrade Upgrad with tunes! LIST $30 SALE $549 SALE $23.99 GIRO SEAM HELMET GI LIST $160 SALE $99.99 KID’S VOODOO ROCKERED BOARD W/ ROSSIGNOL BINDING LIST $240 SALE $149.99 CELSIUS CIRRUS OZONE SPEED LACE LIST $230 ROSSIGNOL JIBSAW Reverse camber and magnetraction. LIST $430 WILDERNESS TECHNOLOGY DENALI 2 3 season living built tough. LIST $149 SALE $99 SALE $299 SALE $139.99 ABO GEAR ECO FOOD SACK Stop using paper or plastic! LIST $15 SALE $6 SIERRA DESIGNS ZIA 2 TENT PACKAGE (With footprint and gear loft.) Award winning 2-person tent with all the bells and whistles. LIST $200 STOCKING STUFFERS! OUTDOOR PRODUCTS DIGITAL COMPASS Set it once, and forget it! LIST $30 TEXSPORT S KID’S K FLEECE FL SLEEPING SLE BAGS Slumber party Slu favorites. LIST $20 OUR PRICE $149.99 SALE $7.99 MICRO FIBER TOWEL 101 uses. RE REG. $4.99 SALE $2.99 SA OUR PRICE $9.99 NB UNION FOOT PUMP When the relatives arrive, blow up that air mattress with ease. LIST $15 STANLEY 32 OZ. OUTDOOR BOTTLE Hot drinks on a chilly day. LIST $24 CAMP ROUTE GAITERS COMPARE AT $55 COLEMAN BLACK CAT PROPANE HEATER REG: $70 SOG TOMAHAWK TOM LIST $54.99 N.A. HEADLAMP Multi-function with red light. C COMPARE AT $19.99 SALE $6.99 OUR PRICE: $44.99 SALE $4.99 OUR PRICE $11.99 SALE SAL JTC BELTS Assorted colors. Keep those pants around the hips! LIST $15 SIERRA DESIGNS TRADE WIND 5 DOWN SLEEPING BAG LIST $370 ITASCA WINTER BOOTS Men’s, women’s, and kids. ONLY SALE $19.99 OUR SALE $249 BUCK WING CABLE W/ LOCK Secure your commuter! ONLY K2 CASCADE SKI BAG LIST $40 $29.99 HOLY COW $14.99 SALE $4.99 GSI LEXAN MARTINI GLASS REG. $3 SALE 99¢ or 10 FOR $6.99! $3.99 M–F 10 –7, SAT 10 – 6, SUN 11–5 • 503-233-0706 • 426 SE GRAND • NEXTADVENTURE.NET 4 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012 ONE DAY THE WEEK IN REVIEW by Ann Romano MONDAY, DECEMBER 10 Gossip News Feature Picks Music Arts Food Fashion Film Sex TV Fun WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12 Happy 12/12/12 day—and to celebrate? Kanye West wore a skirt! Or a kilt… wait, he’s not Scottish. It was a skirt. He donned the black leather skirt while performing for the 1212-12 concert to benefit victims of Hurricane Sandy, and within hours “Kanye’s Skirt” (of course) already had it’s own Twatter page, quipping, “Sir Paul [McCartney] is wearing mom jeans.” Which he was. OH! And speaking of Sir Paul, the ex-Beatle performed at the concert with the ex-members of Nirvana—which naturally made crazy Courtney Love (the former wife of deceased Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain) go even crazier. When asked about McCartney’s involvement with the project, Courtney snarled that she was “not amused” adding, “Look, if John [Lennon] were alive it would be cool.” When asked for a response from their current residence in Rock ’n’ Roll Heaven™, both Lennon and Cobain had this to say: “Can someone tell Courtney to please SHUT HER STUPID CRAY-CRAY MOUTH.” at a time PORTLAND MERCURY A D O PT-A N-U N C LE! T he holidays can be an especially hard time for uncles—they tend to spend these special days either alone, or in strip clubs. That’s why the Portland Mercury is committed to ﬁnding safe, loving homes for society’s neglected uncles, and making sure their holidays are just as joyous as ours. THIS WEEK’S ADOPT-AN-UNCLE SPOTLIGHT! Serial criminal Lindsay Lohan strikes again! (Though this may be the one instance where she won’t be carted off to the pokey.) As you certainly know and have gagged about, Lindsay Lohan is totes OBSESSED with admittedly hunky Max George of boy band the Wanted. She’s been following the band around, and has even been spotted with Max backstage engaging in a “long, emotion-filled embrace” and then checking into a Boston hotel together. Gross! While Max is denying any romantic entanglements, Linds is sending out some strong hints MR. LOHAN to the contrary via her Twatter machine! “Missing something?” Lindsay coyly twatted to Max on Saturday, adding a photo of the singer’s supposedly missing black hoodie . Actually yes, Max is missing something: a good friend to warn him to RUN FOR HIS LIFE. MEANWHILE… Like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris before her, tonight actress Anne Hathaway accidentally f lashed her vaheena getting out of a limo. And NO, Hubby Kip, you may not make a “Catwoman” joke. Go back into your man-den until we call you to bring us our dinner. MEANWHILE… Girl, we hate to say we told you so, but… WE SO TOLD YOU SO. According to The Sun , Rihanna is fah-urious with loathsome creep Chris Brown for cheating on her… even though she’s yet to admit they’re dating! The two reportedly had a huge fight—not like the one in 2009, where Chris attempted to beat Rihanna to death with his fists—after he was photographed whooping it up with a bevy of gals in Paris. Well, this is just shocking news. And here we thought that Chris Brown had completely reformed, and was ready to settle down and become the perfect boyfriend. #sarcasm THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13 As predicted, our lady of perpetual trouble Lindsay Lohan had her perpetual probation revoked by the Los Angeles commissioner after it was discovered that she lied to police officers about not being behind the wheel of her June 2012 Porsche crash. She has a court date set for January 15, and if found guilty, could face 245 days in prison. BUT THAT’S NOT THE WORST NEWS LINDSAY HEARD TODAY. Boytoy dreamboat Max George also called her “a groupie” in an interview, adding that the stalking starlet “is probably hiding in our suitcase right now!” Ohhhhhh no, he didn’t. Naturally, Linds responded with the most damning weapon in her arsenal: unfollowing him on Twatter! (That’ll show him, Lindsay. But seriously… get out of his suitcase.) Meet Uncle Nick. He absolutely adores the holidays and can bring a festive mood to any occasion. He also enjoys engaging in the following uncle-related activities: • Making eggnog. (Ingredients: one-quart eggnog, two gallons Old Crow. Mix well, serve lukewarm.) • Dressing up as Santa, and inviting girls to sit on his lap. (Favorite line: “Is that a candy cane in my pocket or am I happy to see you?” Follow-up line: “Will you lick it?”) • Hanging the mistletoe. (Followed by standing on a stepladder beneath the mistletoe with his pants around his ankles.) • Decorating the tree. (Especially with pictures he cut out of a 1974 Playboy.) • Loves giving gifts. (For dad, a “fart machine.” For mom, a “wind-up walking pecker.” For the kids, a pair of panties he bought from a stripper.) • Singing Christmas carols. (In particular, changing the lyrics of “Feliz Navidad” to “Fellating My Dog.”) It’s important to note that in addition to these things you may discover Uncle Nick sleeping with a half-nude prostitute beneath the tree on Christmas morning, and that the ﬂoor may be covered with snow. Except it’s not snow, it’s cocaine. FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14 This morning, 20-year-old Adam Lanza shot his mother in the face at the home they shared in Newtown, Connecticut. Dressed in combat gear, he then loaded his mother’s semiautomatic pistols and semi-automatic rifle into her car, drove to the nearby Sandy Hook Elementary School, and killed 26 people—20 of them children between the ages of six and seven —before shooting himself. “The gunman was chillingly accurate,” the New York Times reports. “A spokesman for the state police said he left only one wounded survivor at the school. All the others hit by the barrage of bullets from the guns Mr. Lanza carried died, suggesting they were shot at point-blank range .” “We’ve endured too many of these tragedies in the past few years,” President Barack Obama said in a tearful address. “Whether it’s an elementary school in Newtown, or a shopping mall in Oregon, or a temple in Wisconsin, or a movie theater in Aurora, or a street corner in Chicago…. We’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this.” “The scale of the tragedy and the age of the victims shocked a country that has seen many mass shootings,” the Guardian wrote—before adding that, with regard to questions about gun control, “Barack Obama’s spokesman, Jay Carney, refused to engage with the issue, telling reporters at a White House briefing that ‘ today is not the day.’” Actually, Jay, today is the day: A petition on whitehouse.gov demanding the Obama administration “immediately address the issue of gun control” via legislation gained tens of thousands of signatures in mere hours, while New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the only politician to say what every sane person was thinking. “President Obama rightly sent his heartfelt condolences to the families in Newtown,” Bloomberg wrote in a statement. “But the country needs him to send a bill to Congress to fix this problem. Calling for ‘meaningful action’ is not enough. We need immediate action. We have all heard the rhetoric before. What we have not seen is leadership—not from the White House and not from Congress. That must end today. This is a national tragedy and it demands a national response.” Here’s hoping that response comes from today’s tragic events—unlike the 15 other mass shootings in America this year. Because if 20 children being shot point blank doesn’t bring about change, nothing will. Give Uncle Nick a loving home! Contact Portland Mercury Adopt-an-Uncle at firstname.lastname@example.org. SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15 In less horrific news, Charlie Sheen has done something admirable and generous. (We know—we’re as surprised as you are.) When speaking to a Hermosa Beach police officer, Sheen learned that the officer’s 10-yearold daughter, Jasmine, was suffering from cancer. “No parent should have to watch their kid go through that,” Sheen told the officer, according to TMZ. The next day, the Hermosa Beach Police Association—which runs a fund for Jasmine’s treatments—received a check from Sheen for $75,000, FORGIVEN followed by a check from Eddie Braun , Sheen’s stunt double, for $25,000. Now, we don’t say this often, but… hey, Charlie? Everything mean we said about you this year? We take it back. TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11 Today in “legitimately terrible”: Jacob Tyler Roberts, 22, entered the Clackamas Town Center mall today wearing a hockey mask and carrying a stolen AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. Running into the food court screaming, “I am the shooter,” Roberts began randomly firing his weapon, killing 54-year-old Northeast Portland resident Cindy Ann Yuille and 45-year-old Steven Mathew Forsyth , while severely wounding 15-year-old Kristina Shevchenko. The shooter, as so many do, then killed himself. While noting that “this was a heartbreaking incident by any standard,” Clackamas County Sheriff Craig Roberts listed four factors that prevented this attack from becoming a full-blown massacre. Besides the shooter’s gun momentarily jamming, police were on the scene within one minute of the first 911 call. They then launched into their “active shooter protocol”—which they had trained for in the same mall just last year. The mall also had a “lockdown procedure,” which employees dutifully followed, thereby saving even more lives. And finally, the shoppers themselves—all 10,000 of them (!!)—managed to keep level heads and get out of the shopping center, and many assisted those in need. While discussions desperately need to take place about gun control (yes, even stolen guns) and our culture of ignoring mental illness—hats off to those who helped, didn’t panic, and trained to lessen a situation that could’ve been so much worse. SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16 Lindsay Lohan has—shockingly—fallen behind on yet another bill. Now she owes her storage company $16,000, meaning that the “account is now delinquent and the storage locker can’t be opened until the balance is paid in full… and that’s not going to happen because Lindsay doesn’t have the cash,” says TMZ. “So what?” you ask. So this: Lindsay Lohan’s storage unit might be auctioned off at the end of the month. Hubby Kip? This. All we want for Christmas is Lindsay Lohan’s storage unit . Just think of it, dears! We’d find enough weird crap in there to keep this column going for decades! WIN TIX TO THE FIR BALL! Free THIS WEEK ON Portlandmercury.com MercPerk$ BLOGTOWN THURSDAY! ORG A NIC S T O YOU P R O D U C E ! 5 0 % O F F ME R C P E R K S . C O M Blogtown WEB-EXCLUSIVE RE VIE W ! J A C K R E A C H E R ! F R I D AY ! 5 December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com Gossip News Thanks for Nothing! Feature Picks Music Arts Food Fashion Film Sex TV Fun stroyed by your Department of Whatever by the bicycles. Come on. Get out of office and let things go back to normal. October 29, CT: [The CIA has a neat way of robbing banks. They use their computer program to transfer funds from CT’s account to someone else’s account. CT heard about this through the walls from the people upstairs. They get their money from Communist China. The FBI doesn’t know how to stop it anymore than CT does. He thinks the mayor should make a coordinated effort with his brains and CT’s creativity to get all that money back.] [Two other calls about the same issue followed] October 31, Todd: I just wanted to let you know that my “Sam can” ended up in the pool, because it got infested with ants after just one night, because it didn’t, you know, get picked up. Hopefully you’ll move to Amsterdam and ride a bike for the rest of your life. Thanks for nothing! November 1, unidentiﬁed female: I would like to suggest to you that you go over to the Lloyd Center and drive up and down [NE] Multnomah. That always was an absolutely lovely street. Traffic flowed lovely on it—two lanes each way. NOW, it is UNBELIEVABLE! What in the HELL did they do to that street? And, I’ve read about their new foofy ideas. It didn’t need bike lanes. UNBELIEVABLE! UNBELIEVABLE! I just can’t begin to tell you what an absolutely unbelievably asinine idea it was to screw up Multnomah! Are you people, like, out of your mind? How much more can you screw up this city? November 6, unidentiﬁed male: Yes, good morning. I was at the anti-austerity rally at Holladay Park, and I don’t understand the reaction of the Portland Police Bureau, and I don’t understand the part about high school students being pepper sprayed, which, in my estimation, is nothing more than a chemical weapon. I think that the Portland Police Bureau has sunk to an all-time low. Ta-ta! November 15, unidentiﬁed male: This evening I went to the Rite Aid downtown. I stopped at Pioneer Square to relax; it’s a nice mild evening. Within 30 seconds, two idiots came up, invaded my privacy, disrespected me, and demanded spare change from me. Other cities have ordinances keeping these human cockroaches and leeches away from decent, hard-working people. November 15, unidentiﬁed female: Hi there, mayor and everybody else down there in Happy Land. I don’t like the idea of Hayden Island. I don’t think you should do nothin’ to it. I don’t think there should be any industry on it. My only suggestion here is—since you guys are the smart ones, right?—just build a NEW island! November 16, John: You know, I just feel like—you know, I grew up here—born here in 1951, and, Portland is turning into exactly what I thought it would, you know, with people coming here from all over, leaving places where they were totally set up, because they didn’t like what was going on and what it was costing them. I feel like there’s an effort to push everybody out of Multnomah County who isn’t a millionaire. I mean, this is crazy: a $400 water bill, you know, $200-300 a month for heat. I mean, with everything that passed in the elections, it looks like I’m into another freaking $1,500 on top of what I already do. I’m a disabled veteran; I can’t keep pace with this. Anyway, I’m probably wasting my time. Bye. F The Last Installment of Angry Citizen Voicemails for Mayor Sam Adams by Sarah Mirk OR TWO YEARS, we’ve brought you the highlights from Mayor Sam Adams’ public-input voicemail box. This is the last batch. Say farewell, Sam, to a life of fluoride wars and being called a Nazi. And Charlie? They’re all yours now. Summarized, paraphrased voicemails are in brackets. All others are verbatim, but are edited and condensed. August 22, Rosemary: [Rosemary says that for the last few days, the corner of NW 10th and Johnson has been turned into a speedway. There are some undesirable young people who glare at her. There are a bunch of old longhaired, gray-haired hippies on motorcycles there. This is not appropriate for the Pearl.] August 22, unidentiﬁed male: [The people of Portland do not want your toxic fluoride in our water. This is our city. This is not your dictatorship. The Nazis used fluoride to make the Jews docile in the concentration camps. It destroys brains. Sam is a sellout to the corporate monsters.] SUSIE GHAHREMANI August 24, Allen: [Allen is calling to express extreme concern about fluoridating the water. Mental health is way more important than dental health. He is not some Occupy person. He is a marketing director for a huge high-tech firm in the area.] August 24, unidentiﬁed male: Fuckin’ fluoride, FLUORIDE??!! I hope karma gets you whacked by a bus next time you go outside. August 29, unidentiﬁed female: Yeah, I’m calling about the garbage again. We tried it for a week: putting all our scrap crap in with the yard debris. It still didn’t matter. We just have too much garbage. And, also, I know that you’re not running for reelection, so you could probably give a rat’s ass, but, PLEASE, do not put fluoride in our water. September 11, James: [James needs surgery to remove a lamprey from his intestines. He doesn’t like the idea of having a lamprey in his intestines. The mayor had better know that, when James dies, he is going to have the coroner cut the lamprey out of him, have him deep fry it, and make the mayor eat every inch of it. He wants his $2.75 fuckin’ million today by 5 pm. He’ll settle for half.] September 12, Crowley: [He wants the mayor to vote ‘no’ on fluoridation of the water. If people have bad teeth, it’s nature’s way of weeding out the weak.] September 25, unidentiﬁed female: I just want to support your position regarding the Frashour reinstatement. [Adams protested the reinstatement of Ron Frashour, the officer fired for killing Aaron Campbell in 2010.—Eds.] I’ve retired from the military, and in the military we can’t just shoot people in the back. Well, maybe some of that has happened, but it’s not appropriate. So, I really support you. Spend every blessed dime you have to, and when you’re finished, you can send the police union a bill. September 25, Norman: [Norman is effusive in his praise of Mayor Adams’ gumption in fighting hypocrisy. The mayor serves Jesus burgers.] October 5, unidentiﬁed female: Hi. You know how they have the grand jury? Well, you could make it easier—you could just get a rubber stamp that says, “The police did nothing wrong.” October 5, John: Yeah. I wanted to figure out if the city has any intention of improving the roadways. Then again, nobody works anymore, because the government ruined all the businesses. Keep up the good work; keep taxing everybody, and pretty soon you’ll be the only ones left. We’ll call it communism. Bye. October 9, Peggy: I wanted to call in and ask or suggest that the mayor consider a last-minute write-in campaign. Um, anyway, thanks a lot. October 9, Pam: I have never called this before. I’m calling about the plastic and paper bag ban. I already go to Gresham to do my grocery shopping, and I’ll take the rest of my shopping to Gresham and Clackamas. It’s amazing that it has gotten to the point where I have to leave an opinion on an answering machine. October 10, unidentiﬁed female: Mayor Adams: I am so sick of your harebrained ideas, it’s ridiculous. First, you got rid of plastic bags, which in Oregon is a joke because it rains a lot. Now, you want to take paper bags away. Why don’t you just take YOURSELF away?! I’m selling my house and I’m moving across the river. So, Mayor Adams, adios, buddy, adios. I’m getting out of here. The hypocrisy just reeks, and so do you, sir. And I don’t care about New Seasons and