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crack is more dangerous than other drugs, and WHY do African Americans abuse this drug at such a higher rate, but again, a place to start, without throwing up the immediate race card. Posted by Jimmy Carter

LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE

AND ANOTHER THING RE: “How to Get Shit Done in Portland” [Feature, Dec 12], and exit interview with Sam Adams regarding what he learned in his tenure as mayor. I have observed City Council for four decades, and give Sam first place for the way he ran it from the chair in the middle. The mayor and I had a brief discussion in the lobby of council chamber a couple of weeks ago on the subject of “closing-the-loop” ordinances for Portland Streetcar, Inc. I was trying to explain that, as Commissioner of Transportation, he had brought the matter to council, as mayor he presided over its presentation, and as member of council voted “aye.” But Sam Adams also is a member of the board of directors of Portland Streetcar, Inc., which makes him party to both sides of the transactions and so in a clear conflict of interest. Sam seemed to think I was accusing him of selfdealing, for he defended his actions by explaining that he had no monetary interest in Portland Streetcar, Inc., which is true, but a separate legal point. Sam Adams is not easy to deal with but I respect, even like, him. Good luck, Sam! James B. Lee

Let’s not beat around the bush: White people like meth. Black people like crack. Mostly white people like heroin, but it’s a mixed bag. Old Town and Lloyd Center (Holladay Park) are particularly known for dealing crack in the open. The exclusion zones overlap two known open-air drug markets where crack dealing is prevalent in town. Wow, I just cracked the case. Pun intended. Why must we always insist it’s racism? It’s like we have to PROVE we’re a progressive city by injecting injustice hysteria into every story. Posted by ws

UM

I realize the Merc is likely paying her, but truly, Ann Romano needs to get a life. Brian A. Cobb

ARREST DEVELOPMENT RE: “The Same Old Song?” [News, Jan 2], reviewing recently released drug-arrest data showing that more than half of the arrestees were African American. Admittedly, arrest data can be skewed due to the fact that police are the ones that are doing the arresting. However, if you look at treatment data in Oregon, there may be some help in explaining why the numbers are the way that they are. The percentage of African Americans who are receiving substance abuse treatment whose primary substance of abuse is cocaine/crack is 15.9 percent, approximately 20 times the rate of Caucasians in Oregon with the same primary substance of abuse, at about 0.8 percent. While this is not definitive evidence, treatment numbers are likely much more objective, and at least give a starting place for a reasonable discussion. There are, of course, still questions about why the Drug Impact Areas were placed where they were, whether cocaine/ portlandmercury.com

Detective The Memories

836 n. RuSSell St. PoRtland (503) 282-6810

Wednesday, January 23

TO THE MERC—Your much-lacking movie critic, Erik H., ranks Zero Dark Thirty the No. 1 film of 2012 because “it has the most to say.” Trouble is, its message is a mix of war propaganda and torture chic. He has no critical thinking skills. He needs a change. Scientology awaits, of course. Better yet, the military is always eager to sign up conscience-less yes men. Let Erik H. satisfy his sick soul and have craven politicians thank him for his service. RABBLE-A SCIENTOLOGY, EH? Let’s make a deal, RABBLE-A: We’ll give you this week’s Letter of the Week along with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater. However, there’s one condition. You must use the tickets to attend The Master with Erik H. Otherwise, no deal.

Deptartment of Corrections

21 & over

CRYSTAL

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SCIENTOLOGY AWAITS RE: “Chatum Alert!” [Film, Dec 26], in which Film Editor Erik Henriksen (hereafter referred to as “Erik H.”), rounds up his favorite movies of 2012.

Let’s not beat around the bush.

RE: The weekly column One Day At A Time [Jan 2], in which author Ann Romano declares Chris Brown the Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2012 Ever.

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LOLA’S ROOM (21+):

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Last week's cover artist's name was missplled. Pleese execpt the Mercury's appology Kelly Abeln (kellyabeln.com).

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Are antidepressants negatively affecting your

Sex Life? Taking an antidepressant can negatively affect different aspects of your sex life. It can diminish your interest in sex, lower your libido and/or reduce your sexual performance. If your depression has improved on your antidepressant but you are experiencing lowered sexual function as a result, you may qualify for an investigational medication research study. To qualify, you must be: · taking paroxetine (Paxil), sertraline (Zoloft) or citalopram (Celexa) for at least 8 weeks · between the ages of 18-55 For more information about this antidepressant-induced sexual dysfunction study, please call:

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ONE DAY

at a time THE WEEK IN REVIEW by Ann Romano

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31

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WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2 A gossip pages photographer was killed today while trying to snap shots of pop star Justin Bieber’s car. Freelance paparazzo Chris Guerra spotted who he thought was Bieber behind the wheel of the singer’s white Ferrari (turns out it was Justin’s pal, Lil Twist), and crossed LA’s Sepulveda Boulevard to get photos of the occupants. After being told twice by officers to return to his car, Guerra was struck by an SUV and killed. According to TMZ, Guerra was probably overzealous in his pursuit of Bieber because the photog had earlier allegedly seen the squeaky-clean youngster “smoking marijuana from a pipe” and was going after “an enormous scoop.” Bieb’s people unsurprisingly deny the dope charge… because Justin would never, ever smoke pot, would he? (Foreshadowing alert!)

Let’s end 2012 with the absolute worst news ever reported in the history of the universe EVER. Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West’s baby! Shocking millions around the globe who’d naturally assumed that a THURSDAY, JANUARY 3 human could never successfully mate with a Former One Day at a Time goddess Britney reptilian gargoyle, Kanye broke the terrible Spears has reportedly been a hot mess lately, news to 5,000 New Jersey concertgoers making all sorts of wild demands—for example, last night, yelling out, “Make some noise according to the New York Daily News, Brit-Brit’s for my baby mama!” And make noise they crazy requests on the set of her recent perfume did… SCREAMS OF ABJECT TERROR at the ad. After asking to do her own makeup (bad thought of what could possibly be gestating in idea) and be joined on the set by “exotic animals,” Kim’s deformed and evil uterine sac. Sis Kourtney a source tells the Daily News, “She [then] wanted the Kardashian (not the fat one, the other one) used her producers to fly Vanilla Ice in to duet with her, which Twatter machine to confirm the news: “Another angel to was just weird. They called him and he wanted $500,000, so welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!” Did that wasn’t going to work.” Waitasecond! Who wants to see she really say “another angel”? HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Vanilla Ice and Britney Spears perform a duet together? This Right. (Apparently someone is using a different dictionary sounds like the best Kickstarter campaign EVER. than the rest of us.) MEANWHILE… While Kim K will be spending her New Year’s Eve earning six figures to stand FRIDAY, JANUARY 4 around a nightclub rubbing the cloven-hoofed fetus growing Brace yourselves, dears: Shrieking imbecile Jenny McCarthy inside her tummy, Lindsay Lohan is telling friends she’ll be is bringing “a bit of sexiness” to late night! VH1’s latest on her best behavior, which according to TMZ “means no trainwreck, The Jenny McCarthy Show, will debut in February, parties, no clubs, and definitely no drinking on the last night and, according to the moronic ’90s sex symbol, “kind of of 2012.” The report states that LiLo’s plans include a have this… sexy, after-hours party” vibe. How so, small, quiet dinner in London, and rushing back Jenny? “I’ve been doing a segment right now called Kim to her hotel before the parties star… THIS JUST Kardashian is ‘Groundbreaking Interviews,’ where I take the IN! Lindsay has been LYING to her friends celebrity and we literally lay on the ground and (shocked?), because she’s actually spending NYE pregnant… shall look up and we have the camera overhead getting paid $100,000 to attend and hobnob at you look for the we and I interview them in a casual conversation. the party of Prince Haji Abdul Azim, son of “666” mark or And it works quite well. The celebrity kind of a Sultan and third in line to the throne of the shall we? lets go and has a little bit more of a conversational small, Southeast Asian nation of Brunei! (No, we’re tone.” You don’t say! Friendly reminder, dears: Jenny not making this up. Brunei is an actual place.) Azim McCarthy believes vaccines cause autism, and she should also paid singer Lionel Ritchie a staggering $250,000 to no longer be allowed to speak, whether she’s on her back or sing, and former sexpot Pamela Anderson $75,000 just to not. MEANWHILE… Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s horrifically named stand around pointing at her augmented breasts. In a related progeny has already won an award! Following a vote from over story, we’re sitting in soiled, mismatched pajamas, eating a 2,000 participants, BabyNames.com has declared that “Blue tub of yogurt, and watching Hubby Kip play Minecraft on his Ivy” is the worst celebrity girl’s name of 2012. Sorry, Blue PC. We’re not getting paid a cent. (Sigh.) Happy New Year, Ivy! On the upside, BabyNames.com founder Jennifer Moss everybody. notes that at least “we’re not seeing crazy names like Pilot Inspektor or Moxie Crimefighter anymore. I think celebrities TUESDAY, JANUARY 1 are becoming a little more sensitive to the fact that the child Happy New Year’s Day, and oh! What better way to spend has to live with his or her name.” When reached for comment, the first day of 2013 than with some trolling from Rihanna Gwyneth Paltrow’s eight-year-old daughter Apple agreed. and Chris Brown? The grotesque twosome were spotted “That’s fuckin’ great,” Apple said while casually setting fire to a doing some heavy canoodling over the Christmas break at DVD of The Royal Tenenbaums. “Hey, know what would’ve been an LA Lakers game, and today each posted separate online even better? If dispshit celebrities started becoming a little pictures of themselves waking up… and both photos featured more sensitive about eight goddamn years ago.” the same polka-dot comforter! STOP HARRASSING US, YOU GUYS! Seriously, we’re going to apply for a restraining SATURDAY, JANUARY 5 order! MEANWHILE… Are recently freed Katie Holmes and “Unlike other celebs, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West turned adorable lothario Jake Gyllenhaal dating? We don’t know down a chance to rake in some serious coin off their unborn and we don’t care… we just want Rihanna and Chris Brown child,” TMZ writes, adding that the horrid couple is “rejecting to stop trolling us!! MEANWHILE… Three things: 1) Sales a $3 million tabloid offer for the baby’s first pics.” Wait. Could from the Kim Kardashian sex tape (made with then-boytoy we have been wrong about this? Could Kimye turn out to be excellent Ray J) have jumped 80 percent, according to TMZ, since parents? Are they making a wise decision for the first time in their the announcement of her pregnancy. Gross! 2) Because they self-absorbed liv—no, no, of course not. “Our sources say the are lying hypocrites, Kim and Kanye vow that their baby will couple has no plans to sell the pics to ANYONE… right now,” never be featured on any of their future reality shows—at TMZ continues. “We’re told they’re aware that public demand least not while it’s an infant. Besides, hasn’t the title “666: The will only increase over time—and still might consider offers Mark of the Beast” already been taken? 3) Since learning of her in the future.” Oh, okay. So they’re just holding out for more pregnancy, Kim hasn’t experienced any “morning sickness.” money. Phew. Things were confusing there for a minute. That’s because WE’RE experiencing it for her!!

W NELUMN

M Nipples: My Rate ’Em!

CO

by Channing Tatum

A

S PEOPLE MAGAZINE’S “Sexiest Man Alive 2012”—did I mention I was voted People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive 2012”?—much has been said about my roguish good looks, charming disposition, and bangin’ bod. (You saw Magic Mike… and so I rest my case.) However, when it comes to the subject of my nipples, the media has been suspiciously silent. Rest assured, my nips are the sweetest fucking glasscutters you’ll ever lay eyes on—but you might never know that unless you spend hours Googling “Channing Tatum shirtless” on the internet, as I do. So for the sadly ignorant among you, allow me to lovingly describe the grand spectacle of exquisite beauty that are my nipples, starting with the areolas. Brandishing a spectacularly radiant coral hue, my areolas are the very definition of a perfect circle, which the great philosopher Plato once described in his “Theory of Forms” as a virtual impossibility—and yet? Check out these bitchin’ teats. As for my nipples… are they perky? Of course they are, idiot. But even more so, they are tiny twin towers of unstoppable sensuality. When erect—as they always are—they leap majestically upward, straining the very fabric of my shirt, emitting rays of horny electricity unerringly aimed at the soon-to-be soaking genitalia of anyone within a 50-yard radius. But enough of what are obviously cold hard facts: What do YOU think of my juicy, succulent man-udders? Drop what you’re doing and immediately log on to my official website, channingtatumunwrapped.com. Under the “contact” banner (in the “about” section), type your name, email address, and “Your Awesome Nips” in the subject line. Then cut and paste the following note: “Dear Channing Tatum: I hereby award your wicked nips a rating of 10+++. I would happily strangle a newborn fawn for just one lick of those marvelous boy-teats. You are my favorite movie actor. Love, Me.” I thank you, and so do my titty toppers. For your daily dose of Tatum nip pics, check out channingtatumunwrapped on Instagram.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 6 THIS JUST IN: Justin Bieber is a huge pothead. The day after a paparazzo was killed trying to get pictures of Das Bieb, pics were snapped in a Newport Beach hotel room, with Gawker describing the scene thusly: Beiber, wearing “a sweatshirt like an unemployed person” and surrounded by friends drinking beers, was holding “what appears to be a joint.” Naturally, Justin hopped to the Twitters to (sort of) apologize to his concerned fans, most of who are of the age where they’re still being told marijuana is the same as crack. “i see all of u. i hear all of u. i never want to let any of you down. i love u. and...thank u. #beliebers”, he Twatted, adding “everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up.” Indeed, Justin—it’s a hard-knock life. Regardless, this is totally irresponsible of the teen idol, and a terrible message to his young fans. Come on, Justin. Come on. MEANWHILE… In what must be a total and complete coincidence, Justin Bieber spent yesterday visiting with Millie Flamm, a seven-year-old fan who has leukemia. The Mormon-owned Deseret News broke from their habit of reporting about what those tricksy gays are up to in order to note that L’il Biebers took some time out before his chaste Salt Lake City, Utah concert to sing his hit “Baby” to Millie “while holding her hand and gave her his guitar pick…. Bieber also gave her a kiss on the cheek before leaving, prompting Millie to tell her mother, ‘You are never going to wash my face again.’” Oh, Justin. We can’t stay mad at you! You go ahead and smoke as much of that marijuana as you want, dear. Just maybe don’t let the paparazzi see you doing it.

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And the Survey Says…

Hall Monitor

We Asked, They Answered: City Hall Staffers Open Up—and Unload! by Denis C. Theriault

by Denis C. Theriault

C

HANGE IS IN the air at Portland City Hall. Charlie Hales is back after a long sojourn in the private sector, this time as mayor. And for the first time in a decade, longtime powerbrokers Randy Leonard and Sam Adams are nowhere to be found. Before the clock ran out on 2012, we asked the city hall denizens you never hear from—the hardworking, unsung staffers who actually run the place—to look back on the council that was, while also hazarding some guesses on the four years to come. Our surveys were anonymous, designed to entice even the most skeptical staffer to respond. And, with the notable exception of Dan Saltzman’s office—which flat-out refused, tellingly—they mostly did! This is what we got back.

THE BUREAUS! aybe the biggest perk a Portland mayor has is assigning commissioners to the city’s various bureaus and offices—and thereby determining how happy, or not, his or her colleagues will be for the next four years. This means “guessing bureau assignments” is one of the most popular parlor games in city hall. This year, we wanted staffers to play along in public, asking them first to guess how Hales will divvy up the workload, and then to tell us how it ought to be done. The results, interestingly, weren’t much different. For instance, staffers overwhelmingly think Amanda Fritz will—and should—keep one of her current major assignments, the touchy-feely Office of Neighborhood Involvement. But they also think, after her light load under Adams, it’s time for Fritz to trade up. She’s on record asking for a bureau with “trucks,” and she may yet get one (even if it’s not the one she wants): the budgetchallenged Bureau of Transportation. (Fritz also, it should be noted, was one of two commissioners to earn a “deserves nothing” vote.) Nick Fish has been lobbying subtly, and not so subtly, to keep both of his two babies for the foreseeable future—the parks and housing bureaus. Fish is deeply tied to both: He basically helped build the current housing bureau and is knee-deep in planning for a parks bond vote this fall. And staffers pretty strongly think Hales will listen and give Fish what he wants. Although if were up to them? Parks would be a lock, and maybe housing. The other commissioner with a “deserves nothing” vote? Dan Saltzman. But that’s clearly wishful thinking, because most staffers think he’ll wind up running both of the city’s utility outfits, gaining water (which had a controversial run under Randy Leonard) to go along with the sewers bureau he already oversees. Saltzman already sees himself as a bureau turnaround artist, and it's clear the rest of city hall does, too. Because if it were up to staffers, he’d also run the fire bureau—yet another Leonard mainstay that, some would argue, needs a shakeup. That said, Steve Novick, the heir to Leonard’s seat, emerged as most likely to actually run fire—a meaty assignment for a new commissioner. Staffers also think Hales will hand him one of Fritz’s current assignments, the Bureau of Emergency Communications, which oversees the city’s 911 dispatchers. Of note: Despite Novick’s longstanding passion for earthquake prevention, no one really wants to give him the bureau that handles the city’s emergency response. That honor, staffers pretty decisively said, ought to go to Charlie Hales—one of the more traditional choices for a mayor, the person

Charlie’s City Hall Makeover

I

T’S DEFINITELY the dawn of a new political age on the third floor of Portland City Hall, where Mayor Charlie Hales and his diminutive cadre of experienced staffers are settling into offices vacated only weeks before by Sam Adams and his die-hard, merry band of wonks and idealists. The grand corner office Adams turned into a meeting room is once more the city’s ceremonial seat of mayoral power. The wing of cubicles where Adams had ensconced himself, once the hopping heart of Portland policy making, is an eerily quiet ghost town of office furniture. The big brash paintings that graced the mayor’s waiting room—like the one of Modest Mouse’s Isaac Brock—are gone, replaced by a stately chaise lounge and chair. And, in a gesture whose symbolism could certainly be debated, the wooden door that links the waiting room to the mayor’s warren of offices is no longer being left open. When I came for a sit-down with Hales, it was promptly closed behind me. It’s the physical manifestation of a cultural change that has city hall insiders hopeful and wary in equal parts. The word that comes up most often when city hall insiders mention Hales and his team is “grownup”—a group of people who long ago proved themselves in business, the nonprofit world, and politics before answering the call to join Hales’ brain trust.

M

JEFF SHERIDAN

who… y’know… gets to impose martial law when something goes wrong. The rest of Hales’ portfolio, curiously enough, reads a lot like his predecessor’s: the police bureau, the city finance office, Portland’s urban renewal agency, and the government relations office. Staffers also expect Hales, like Adams, to keep control of the city’s planning bureau. But, in a shift, they also want him to run the city’s still-evolving Office of Equity and Human Rights.

day 10 percent cuts—the first step in a political dance that’ll last until May, when the final budget is approved. Asked for their top three targets for cuts, staffers suggested everything from the city’s rivers office to police to parks staff. But one target overwhelmingly came first: the city’s Office of Management and Finance and its millions in often-overlooked internal funds. The city’s water bureau and its spiking rates came next, with a politically toxic option in third: pay and benefits for city employees. Asked about actually raising more cash, staffers were even more blunt. Almost everyone said the city needs to start taxing cell phone providers—a solution worth millions for the city’s starving coffers, but tantamount to picking an expensive and probably futile fight with telecommunications companies. Staffers also suggest Hales heed calls for a street maintenance fee and increased parking revenues. Of course, this answer would work as well as any: “Begging.”

THE BAD AND THE GOOD! t takes just three votes to push something through city hall, a bar that’s actually much higher than it might seem. Staffers suggest that Novick—making his first foray into city politics—will struggle the most with that reality. He ranked just ahead of Fritz as most likely to be the least effective over the next four years. Fritz was singled out for losing a staunch ally in Adams, but Novick was repeatedly hit over the “steep learning curve” he’ll face. Who’s likely to be most effective? Fish, praised for “momentum,” “concrete ideas,” and skill in building votes, edged out Hales. Not that it was a blowout. Respondents specifically cited Hales’ experience on council—and his “will” to make his mark as mayor. Looking back on last year’s council, Fritz was hands-down rated least effective, while Adams—beaten up in the press for his frenetic approach to governing—was ranked, by far, as the most effective. Adams and his staff, incidentally, also cleaned up when asked who flat-out worked the hardest. And Adams was even ranked the nicest elected official, tied with Leonard. Saltzman was rated meanest. (Ouch!)

THE BARBS! ormally bound by silence, a few staffers clearly relished the chance to lay into their future (or departed) bosses. Fritz was called “nervous and equivocating.” Novick was ripped as “too enamored with quips, even at his colleagues’ expense.” Leonard was accused of having “completely checked out months ago.” And Saltzman was assailed over his record (“what has he done?”) and his apparent media relations strategy: “Saltzman inoculates himself from bad press by leaking [news tips] and making himself a valuable source the Oregonian doesn’t want to piss off.”

THE BUDGET! ere comes the biggest story of 2013: How city council will manage to bridge a $25 million chasm in Portland’s budget. Bureaus have already begun planning for dooms-

SHUT UP! nd if city staffers could ditch three words from Portland’s political lexicon? Read ’em and weep: Sustainability, equity, and process. Sigh.

I

H

N

A

The “grownups” have reclaimed city hall’s third floor. After four years of bouncing along with Adams’ passion for big ideas and experimentation, staffers are quietly embracing Hales’ promise to minimize drama and dive into the basics of governance and crafting budgets. Even if, those same staffers might privately fret, there’s the chance that Hales winds up more like the last so-called “grownup” to run city hall: Tom Potter, who all but quit halfway through his one and only term. But Hales has emerged as Adams’ antidote in some other ways. Not wasting any time after his inauguration, he canned his predecessor’s handpicked transportation director, Tom Miller, and blocked a transportation job for another Adams hand, Amy Ruiz, that his staff, rumor has it, might have blessed. He’s also been making nice with some of Adams’ frenemies and foes. Hales tells me he plans on starting the city’s budget process with a presentation from Multnomah County Chairman Jeff Cogen—a sign the two governments might finally enjoy a better working relationship. He’s also extended an olive branch to the Portland Police Association’s Daryl Turner. Turner, who routinely skewered Adams in public comments, had become a persona non grata in the mayor’s office. Hales, instead, tells me the controversial union boss “has a role to play” in public safety and mental health reforms. The “grownup” crack got a laugh, at least, from Hales’ new spokesman, author and former journalist Dana Haynes—who immediately tried to prove me wrong. The proof? The Batman figure Haynes keeps on his desk. Now, if it were Charlie’s desk… that would be something else.

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com

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Sexual Politics DREADED VIOLENCE By Sarah Mirk

E

ARLY MONDAY, police arrested a 32-year- VAWA would have spread domestic violence old Southeast Portland man for attempting and rape prevention funds to 30 million more people: specifically, LGBT partners, Native to strangle his girlfriend with his dreadlocks. Americans, and undocumented immigrants. It’s tempting to laugh at this news because, GOP representatives value protecting of course, dreadlocks are disgusting certain rape victims over others. and everyone who decides to grow Those are my words. Their words dreadlocks should be publicly Oregon homicides are due are: “There are matters put on mocked. But when you think to domestic violence. that bill that almost seem to about this for more than one million women would invite opposition.� (That’s Alasecond, the news is not funny benefit from expanded bama Senator Jeff Sessions.) at all. Domestic violence is so funding for Violence Against The impact of VAWA in common in America that the Women Act. Oregon is profound. This only way an assault makes past year, 53 groups received headlines is if the boyfriend $1.6 million to pay for domestic has a regrettable haircut. violence shelter workers, advoThe more than 40 Oregolet it die. cates to help survivors find housing, nians who died last year because and counselors for sex workers. Workers of domestic violence will never wind up in the trenches on domestic violence issues are hashtagged with “#portlandiajoke!� because appalled that Republicans blocked the law but their murderers, presumably, happened to wash hopeful that the new, more diverse crop of contheir hair. But domestic violence is just as much gressional representatives will pass it soon. a reality in Portland as other cities. In North Portland, VAWA funds a part-time job Feeling bad yet? Good. Take that guilt, conanswering the crisis line and helping survivors in vert it to anger, and channel it at a worthy source: the 22-bed Bradley Angle House shelter. The cenRepublican congressmen like House Speaker ter doesn’t have fat to cut: Last year, it received John Boehner and House Majority Leader Eric more than 3,000 calls and had to turn away 1,000 Cantor who, in a final act of partisan negligence women, having space for only 175 people. last week, let the Violence Against Women Act When there’s no shelter space available— (VAWA) expire. which is often, says Portland Women’s Crisis No one—despite what GOP gum-flapping Line Executive Director Rebecca Nickels—admay have led you to believe last spring—ran for vocates tell women to get to any safe, public Congress with the promise to roll back prosplace they can: Ride the MAX, go to the airport, ecutions of rapists and protect fewer domestic find a 24-hour diner. Women are literally takviolence victims. But that’s exactly what will ing refuge in pancake houses, and Congress happen if VAWA isn’t taken up and passed can’t agree that providing more funding is a dire before its funding runs out at the end of June. need? Survivors would be better off in the path Washington Senator Patty Murray is promising of a hurricane. to introduce VAWA this session. Until it passes, “VAWA was allowed to expire because it she has a doomsday clock on her website that was expanding support to survivors who are ticks off another act of violence against women even more marginalized than ‘mainstream’ surevery nine seconds. vivors, for lack of a better word,� says Nickels. The sticking point for Republicans is that “And that’s an example of institutionalized opthey’re bigots. Though originally passed with pression.� Also known as: Congress. broad bipartisan support in 1994, the new

1 in 5

30

Congress

Justice Takes a Breath

Legal Issues, Budget Woes Slow Police Reforms by Denis C. Theriault

L

AST FALL’S mad dash for a final deal on federally mandated mental health and useof-force reforms for Portland cops has slowed dramatically amid a tangle of legal issues and budget woes, city officials now tell the Mercury. And that means some of the most important provisions in the city’s deal with the US Department of Justice—including speedier misconduct investigations, expanded civilian oversight of the bureau, and a drop-off center for people in mental health crisis—may not take effect until later this summer, if then. A handful of unexpected realities are clouding the picture. The federal judge overseeing the agreement, Michael Simon, has promised a “fairness hearing� on the deal—bowing to demands from community groups—and won’t even schedule it until mid-February. Simon also will weigh requests by the Portland Police Association (PPA) and Albina Ministerial Alliance Coalition for Justice and Police Reform (AMA) to join the feds’ legal case against the city and make changes. That’s significant, because each legal wrinkle puts off the deal’s “effective date�—the wellspring for every other timeline for action laid out in the settlement. Hiring for a new community liaison to oversee the deal, plus the selection of a new 15-member community board—both of which require an intensive public process—may lag for months. The police union also filed a grievance asking the city to negotiate any changes in disci-

pline and training related to the settlement. That could tie things up, but Police Chief Mike Reese tells the Mercury he’s asked the union to weigh in on tightened Taser and use of force policies and hopes to move forward soon. His new boss, Mayor Charlie Hales, backs him up. “There’s no reason to delay doing the right thing,� Hales says. Meanwhile, the city’s budget morass—Portland’s facing a $25 million deficit—is playing a different sort of havoc. Former Mayor Sam Adams hiked taxes on two landline phone providers to ease some of the expected $5-millionplus cost of reforms. But one of those companies, CenturyLink, has sued the city, throwing that source of cash into question. Hales says staffing decisions will have to wait until the city’s financial picture firms up, sometime this spring. But perhaps the biggest question mark is the fate of a new drop-off center for people in crisis—a joint production by the city, Multnomah County, and the state-level Coordinated Care Organizations charged with implementing federal health care reform—that the feds want open by the middle of this year. Hales has his doubts, calling it “a very unlikely� timeline, and said he wants to huddle anew with the county to make better use of existing resources. “I don’t know what’s been done,� Hales said when asked about work on the proposed dropoff center, “if anything.�

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Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

WE ARE THE

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

OF

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä ROBOT SUFFRAGE, GENE SPLICING, AND SPACE CAR SEXTING: THE ANTI-PROGRESSIVE ISSUES YOU’LL BE VOTING FOR IN THE FUTURE

BY ALEX FALCONE

Ä

ARTWORK BY DEREK BALLARD

YOUNG PROGRESSIVES

were drinking heartily from the keg of victory in 2012, conservative old people were quietly weeping into their Metamucil. They wasted tons of money trying to keep obviously moral things (like the government treating gay people like human beings) from happening. And they lost. Suck it. “But wait,” yells a voice from the bar at an Elks Lodge. “Before you gloat too much, chew on this. We weren’t always like this. Today’s stodgy old Republicans were yesterday’s hip and happening youngsters—listening to the devil’s swing music and showing their ankles on first dates. We

Ä

turned into assholes… and you will too someday. That’s just how it works. It’s like a second puberty.” I’m sorry I underestimated you, hypothetical old person. That’s a good point. And great job on swing music, by the way. That was really fun when it came back for a couple weeks in the ‘90s. In 50 years, after I turn into an old conservative person, I’ll be able to vote using my iPhone 28S. And I’m going to use that power to vote against righteous, progressive issues. Issues like...

CONTINUED ON PG. 13 January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 11

12 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

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CONTINUED FROM PG. 11

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

SELECTIVE DNA SPLICING

HOW PRO-CHOICE ARE YOU, really? Sure, you say that now. But in 50 years will you support a woman’s right to choose which of her baby’s genes get spliced with Asian fish DNA so it glows in the dark? It’s her body, so of course it’s her right to choose if her child will or will not glow in the dark. OR IS IT? Now I may sound like a future conservative for saying this, but get off my future lawn with your freaky fish baby!

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

HUMANSEXROBOT MARRIAGE EQUALITY

WHY BUY THE COW when you’re getting the Vibration Program for a low monthly fee? In the future, sexrobots will become so advanced they’ll actually be able to simulate every step of the sex process—including the part where you spoon and talk about your childhood. If that tricks your love sensor into firing, you might start thinking the government should cover her mechanical upkeep insurance. Well, forget it! Because rest assured, when I mature into a crusty old conservative, I’ll be voting against you turning your Stepford Fuck Buddy into a Stepford Wife. Marry an argumentative fleshand-blood sex-hating nag like I did!

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

FISHING RESTRICTIONS IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS

JUST KIDDING. There won’t be any fish left in 50 years.

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

SEXROBOT SUFFRAGE

ONCE THEY CAN MARRY, they’ll definitely want the vote. People (like me) will say they’re just going to vote however their lovers/programmers tell them to—but we said the same thing about women’s suffrage (except for the programmers part).

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

SEXTING WHILE DRIVING

KIDS TODAY are already sexting each other as often as twentysomethings are blowing up their pounds. (Can we stop that yet? Thanks.) An exchange of topless photos is part of the friend-request process now. So it’s only a matter of time before we try to pass laws preventing it from happening while these kids drive their space cars to space school. I don’t care if they say it doesn’t distract them—I know it does. God damn you, crazy space kids!

BUT WAIT! It gets weirder. Eventually these space-sexting fish babies that want to marry talking dildos will become the FUTURE Future Conservatives. They’ll vote against progressive issues too—but they’ll do it telekinetically.

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

A HARD-DRIVE BRAIN’S RIGHT TO UNPLUG ITSELF

ONCE WE FIGURE OUT how to put our consciousnesses into computers, we’ll live forever. But will we want to? You know how boring Facebook is already; imagine if your entire life was living inside it! But will we let our brains euthanize themselves? It’s not a tough question for our children’s children (and their hard drives).

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

ENDING FEDERAL SUBSIDIES FOR RELUXITE MINERS ON KRAGNORAN ASTEROIDS

I CAN’T REALLY explain this one, but your grandkids are going to hate it and want it to stop. But what about space jobs?!?

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä

THE RIGHT TO PETITION OUR SEXROBOT OVERLORDS FOR THE REDRESS OF GRIEVANCES

YEAH, we screwed up with the whole sexrobot suffrage thing (I mean, we voted against it, but our kids screwed it up). The power converters went to their head-units and the sexrobots overthrew the government. It’s actually pretty impressive how much governing they’re able to do while still having A TON of mechanical sex.

Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä Ä I KNOW what you’re thinking. “But Alex! That will never happen to me because I’m going to be progressive forever. I’ll protest with my kids in support of sexrobot rights! Also, that’s an awesomely funny column you wrote that pretends it’s about politics, but really is just an excuse for you to talk about sexrobots!” A fair point. Especially the last part. And maybe you’re right. But that’s exactly what people said 50 years ago during the civil rights movement (well, maybe not exactly). The fact of the matter is you don’t have full control over yourself. Just like the biological clock that turns cool 29-year-old girls into desperate 30-year-old baby magnets, certain mental changes are genetic. Unless you somehow manage to stay poor your whole life, you’re going to turn into a conservative, and so am I. And because our brains are on hard drives, we’ll stay assholes forever. January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 13

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SUNDAY JAN 13

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Picks

My, What a Busy Week! Wednesday, January 9

OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF JANUARY 9-15 GEMS—Electronic label Dropping Gems is hosting a free showcase with 10 of their artists, proving just how creative and vital the collective is to Portland music. Find out for yourself as the likes of Natasha Kmeto, Devonwho, the Great Mundane, and a healthy host of others drop killer beats on the crowd. NL Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, FREE

Thursday, January 10

THE WRATH OF ZAHN—After single-handedly bringing Star Wars back to life in the early ’90s, fan-favorite author (and Oregonian) Timothy Zahn has earned a whole lot more respect than George Lucas. His latest, Scoundrels, is basically Ocean’s Eleven… but starring Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Lando Calrissian. BONUS! Nerds will be here in Star Wars costumes! Probably. EH Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 7 pm, FREE ROCK OUT—If you went to punk rock shows in high school, but now have a day job, this show will bring you back to your punky roots. Local bands like Clorox Girls, Guantanamo Baywatch, and the Suicide Notes are all playing at Hovercraft Records’ showcase, so slap on some black eyeliner and rock out. Plus the first 250 people in the door get the label’s new compilation! RF w/Boom!, Hey Lover, & more; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $5

BASEMENT NERDS—Comics Underground is Portland’s most fun comics event—and I’d say that even if it weren’t hosted by the Mercury’s arts and film editors. This month, artists Colleen Coover, Jen Vaughn, and Jake Richmond will pack the place to read new work and partake of stiff drinks. Fun art, good people, and ready availability of delicious Reuben sandwiches! SM Jack London Bar, 529 SW 4th, 8 pm, $3

Friday, January 11

THIS IS BIG—Take two things Portland excels at (music and literature), add four venues, and two days of free programming that include 40 bands and 15 writers, and you have the Big Ass Boombox festival. Revel in Pacific Northwest talents from authors like Martha Grover and Kevin Sampsell, and bands like Animal Eyes and No Kind of Rider. MS Fri-Sat, various times & venues, bigassboombox.com, FREE

Saturday, January 12

ACES—Back in March, whip-smart sketch comedy duo the Aces (AKA Michael Fetters and Shelley McLendon) debuted a hilarious new sketch show—and this weekend, they’re dusting it off for two shows only, to kick off a new series of comedy shows at Portland Center Stage. AH Ellyn Bye Studio at the Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th, Fri-Sat 8 pm, $18-20 (cash only at door)

POW! BIFF! ZOK!—Why so serious, Batman? At Gotham a Go-Go, get back to campy bat-basics with some go-go dancing, trippy tunes from DJ Gregarious, and two sets from the Batmaniest band in town, Batarang. Practice your Batusi and channel your inner Julie Newmar—you’re about to shake a bat feather, all at the new White Owl Social Club (formerly the digs of Plan B). CF White Owl Social Club, 1305 SE 8th, 9 pm, $5

INSTRU-MENTAL—Best known for building the theme song for Mad Men, RJD2 (real name Ramble John Krohn) also constructs sampled soundtracks for commercials, movies, and, if you so wish, your life. Creating moody soundscapes layered atop hiphop beats, RJD2’s artistry starts on the dance floor and quickly turns into head-nodding think pieces. WSH w/Manic Focus, Medium Troy; Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 7 pm, $24.50, all ages

DO OVER—According to the Eastern Orthodox Church and its undying devotion to the Julian calendar, 2013 starts this weekend—and NOT on January 1 like all you heretics might believe. As such, Russian party band Chervona is gathering some friends at the Star Theater tonight for a proper, dancefilled (and religiously accurate) sendoff to 2012. DCT Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 9 pm, $15-20

Sunday, January 13 FAN FIC—A staple of LA’s Nerdist Theater, Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction invites comedians to write and perform filthy, on-the-spot parodies of such beloved properties as Gilligan’s Island and Friday Night Lights. The brilliant Kyle Kinane handily won the last Portland show—he returns to defend his disreputable crown against comedians Ian Karmel, Shane Torres, and more. AH Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 7 pm, $10, 18+

FATHER WAINWRIGHT—Loudon Wainwright III is a maker of folksy music, rich with humor and finely crafted songs. He’s had a prolific career, and whether the witty musical legend is spouting sadly tinged songs from behind his guitar or popping forth talented musicians from his loins, he’s a tour de force of thoughtful and self-deprecating charm. CF w/Dar Williams; Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 8 pm, $30

Monday, January 14 LOVE IT TO DEATH—The swirling, psychedelic garage-noir of A Happy Death is aptly named: It’s dark, sure, but also an exciting, damn fun time. The Portland-by-way-of-New York quartet’s nasty, gnarly jams go from stoned dirges to frenzied freakouts, covering all the gleefully deranged territory in between. NL w/the Holy Child, Brain Capital; East End, 203 SE Grand, 9 pm

BIGELOW—The last time director Kathryn Bigelow and writer Mark Boal teamed up, the brilliant, adrenaline-charged The Hurt Locker was the result. Now they’re back with the intense, searing Zero Dark Thirty—a nuanced, balls-out thriller about how we tracked down Osama bin Laden. This was the best film 2012 had to offer. See it. EH See our review on pg. 33 and Film Times at portlandmercury.com

Tuesday, January 15 GET SCHOOLED—Life has certain concrete rules: brush your teeth and always jump at the chance to see Cornel West speak in person. One of the smartest humans on earth, race and politics thought-leader West is in town for a Portland State University tribute to Martin Luther King Jr. The free event is “sold out,” but you will likely have luck at the door if ticketholders don’t show up. SM PSU’s Smith Memorial Student Union, 1825 SW Broadway, 7 pm, FREE

GAGA, OOH LA LA!—Spectacle, thy name is Gaga! Whether or not you’re a fan of Lady Gaga’s discodrenched party pop anthems, her concerts are truly a thing of baroque magnificence. Insane dance numbers, copious costume changes, political grandstanding, and unbridled sex appeal, our Lady of Gaga puts on a show that won’t be forgotten easily. WSH Rose Garden, 1 Winning Way, 7:30 pm, $49.50-175, all ages

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 15

16 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

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On the Brink

UP & COMING

The Exquisite Pain of Manhattan Murder Mystery by Ned Lannamann

I

T DOESN’T TAKE LONG to get the gist of a Manhattan Murder Mystery song. The LA quintet specializes in simple (but never simplistic) sing-along punk anManhattan thems, with basic, heart-sore meloMurder dies that you’ll have committed to Mystery memory after hearing once. That makes it all the easier to focus on Sat Jan 12 Slabtown the painfully plain lyrics that front1033 NW 16th man Matthew Teardrop wrenches out of his gravelly bark, as he stirs rage and frustration into explosions of catharsis that approach something, something like— MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY Way less depressing than Annie Hall. dare I say it?—joy. The ability to make their songs’ dark ist Mateo Katz alongside Teardrop, guitarist had this really horrible boss who was this really depths so immediate and so accessible makes Todd McLaughlin, bassist Katya Arce, and big asshole and treated all the employees really Manhattan Murder Mystery easily the best drummer Laura Velez. bad. He would threaten to fire me every day. One band named after a Woody Allen movie. (The The band’s latest EP, Women House, is six time he threw a six-pack of Fiji water at me. But worst? Love and Death, the new outfit from excellent tracks of tattered and damaged rock I hung in there for two years, never got a raise former Korn guitarist Brian “Head” Welch.) that’s fueled by alcohol and shitty jobs. Each or anything. I didn’t want to not have any more “We had pages and pages of band names,” song threatens to teeter off the rails into spit- money, so I just got paid and hung in there. Then Teardrop says of MMM’s unusual moniker. “I tle-flecked rage, but instead locates a space of one day, he was just like, oh, you’re fired, just for was just watching that movie, and I was like, very definite grace. “Stadium Way” deals with no particular reason. And that really pissed me ‘Oh, that’s a band name.’ And that was one we the desperation of couch surfing and endless off—but then I started writing some new songs all agreed on. But it doesn’t have any particu- job applications; “Arlington Cemetary [sic]” that weren’t so much like Morrissey. That’s kind lar meaning.” tensely bristles as the narrator’s family pushes of when I was like, well, I don’t know what I’m Teardrop started Manhattan Murder Mys- him unwillingly into the military; “Sancho” doing—I’m not some poet. But I guess I probably tery after moving to LA from his home state is a devastating farewell to a friend who’s as relate more to people with bad jobs.” of Virginia following the breakup of a band equally fucked up as the singer (“Maybe it’s With a strong self-titled album from 2011 that turned into, in his words, “a Fleetwood just hard for me to believe/That I’m bad for and the magnificent Women House under their Mac situation.” He initially had his sights set you and you’re bad for me”). belts, plus a newly recorded full-length that for San Francisco, but when his housing situ“It’s mostly stuff that’s happened to me,” the band is currently shopping around, MMM ation there went very, very wrong—he tells me Teardrop says of his songwriting. “I don’t know is on the brink of turning these tales of bad it all ended when someone’s dog got shot in what else to write about. When I first started, luck and dead-end jobs into something truly the front yard—Teardrop tried LA on for size. for a while I was, like, doing Morrissey or some- fortunate. All it’ll take is a few more listeners, Finding some likeminded musicians on Craig- thing. I even tried to sing like him, kind of. But I a few more fans—but like I said, it doesn’t take slist, Manhattan Murder Mystery was formed, had this job on Melrose, in this fancy shopping long to get a Manhattan Murder Mystery song now a five-piece featuring new keyboard- area where Paris Hilton would hang out, and I stuck in your head.

Goo Goo for Gaga

W

WEDNESDAY 1/9 DROPPING GEMS SHOWCASE (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15, and Music, pg. 18.

THE NORTH WIND, LANGUAGE, DESIGN DRIFT DISTANCE (Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th) Back in October, the North Wind released their debut EP, Mirror Lake. The atmospheric, melodic rock soundtracked the falling leaves to perfection, but the songs still sound good in January. Guitar-based and wordless, the North Wind largely avoids sounding like prog (not that there’s anything wrong with that), despite the fact that one of their songs—the best, I think— is named “5 Sons of King Pandu.” Long form is the specialty of spacey electronic trio Language. As in, 10 minutes is on the short side. Dubs and samples interweave with guitars to create laidback jams with Kelly Schirmann’s otherworldly vocals soaring over the top. The effect is mysterious, improvisational, and confounding: Are they really that good on the fl y? Design Drift Distance kicks off the cerebral lineup with spiky post-rock songs of traditional length and intelligible vocals. REBECCA WILSON

HAZEL’S WART, THE SKY ABOVE AND EARTH BELOW, LUNCH ( Laughing Horse Books, 12 NE 10th) I’m not generally an indecisive person, but there’s one thing I can never quite make up my mind about—whether I prefer lo-fi pop to hi-fi pop. I should be able to appreciate both approaches equally, but I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying Robert Pollard whenever I marvel at Rumours or vice versa ( I realize this is probably a super-peculiar neurosis). But San Fransisco’s Hazel’s Wart may have convinced me that all pop begs to be recorded (at least semi) shoddily. Their endearingly scrappy recordings reinforce that sense of urgency already present in their songs but which sterile, high-quality production would almost definitely diminish. The band’s debut EP, aptly entitled A Demonstration, is certainly the more indecipherable of the group’s two available releases (it gives Times New Viking a run for their money), but it’s the follow-up, Together We Didn’t, that straddles that hi /lo-fi line perfectly. Let’s hope they don’t start sounding “better.” MORGAN TROPER

THURSDAY 1/10

Can One Pop Star Rule Them All? by Mark Lore

HEN DICK CLARK asked Madonna al- Born This Way—which included a phalanx of most three decades ago what her dreams producers, including Def Leppard and AC/ for the rest of her career were, Madge responded DC sanitizer “Mutt” Lange—was even more bloated and Madonna-esque. But Gaga’s muwithout hesitation, “To rule the world.” Lady Gaga is often compared to Madonna. sic is secondary to her personality. She can Even Madonna has said Gaga reminds her of keep making all the records she wants, and they will always be less interesting than the herself at that age, and since releasing her pomp and circumstance that comes debut album The Fame in 2008, Gaga with them. has, essentially, ruled the world. Lady Madonna has lasted because she’s Or at least her own glittery kingGaga reinvented herself again and again, dom. Gaga’s fans—dubbed “Little Tues Jan 15 even when her music grew staler Monsters”—are near cultish, sort Rose Garden and staler. Some of her fans grew of like Juggalos with more fashion 1 Center Court with her. But these days you’re likely sense, or KISS Army soldiers with a to see a strong contingent of teenage few extra brain cells knocking around in their head. And I don’t use the word “cult- girls alongside the gay men in the audience. ish” loosely. When Gaga appeared on The KISS fans grew with the band as well, even Howard Stern Show in July 2011, the host was though many didn’t grow up enough to move inundated with threats of physical harm pri- out of their parents’ basement. And Juggalos… ? or to the interview if she wasn’t treated like God help us. It should be interesting to see the path the Big Monster she deserves. Like Madonna, Lady Gaga (born Stefani Lady Gaga’s career takes in 2013 and beyond. Joanne Angelina Germanotta) makes pretty She’s releasing a new record, called ARTPOP, standard pop music, with a predictable (by later this year. She’s offering therapy sessions today’s standards) penchant for religious to fans on her current tour. There’s a docuand sexual themes. Her second full-length, mentary in the works with fashion photogra-

This Week’s Music Previews

HOVERCRAFT RECORDS SHOWCASE (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Hovercraft Records is Portland’s home for punk nostalgists, so it’s hardly surprising that this showcase features a handful of terrifically enjoyable bands that never flipped the calendar past 1978—the Suicide Notes, Courtney and the Crushers, Pataha Hiss, the No Tomorrow Boys. On a more contemporary note, Clorox Girls are headlining, apparently with their original lineup—which means that there may be an actual girl in the mix. To my mind, the standouts are Guantanamo Baywatch and their sister band, Boom! In particular, Boom! make post-punk that’s equally informed by their own imagination as by their musical forerunners. I was recently blown away by their Boom!...does the Ronettes!, a delightful covers EP that transforms the sunny originals into an accurate depiction of the degeneracy of the songs’ writer/producer, Phil Spector. For tonight’s jam-packed showcase, the first 250 people in the door will be handed a free 23-track compilation cassette, representing the lion’s share of Hovercraft’s roster. RW Also see My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

LADY GAGA Resistance is futile. NICK KNIGHT

pher Terry Richardson. Whether Gaga will go on to rule the entire world, or whether she’ll stick to the steadfastly devoted portion of it she’s already conquered, remains to be seen. At just 26—one year older than Madonna was when she spoke those infamous words on American Bandstand—Lady Gaga still has a lot of growing up to do.

FRIDAY 1/11 BIG ASS BOOMBOX: WOODEN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND & MORE (Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th) I cannot get enough of the band Thanks. Upon first listen you’ll be greeted by

Continued on pg. 18

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Dropping Gems Breaks Out Big by Ryan J. Prado

Ryan

Dro

Wed Holo 1001

DROPPING GEMS SHOWCASE Left to Right: Rap Class, Natasha Kmeto, Ghost Feet

S

OMETIMES ALL you’ve got to do is put including two widely acclaimed compilation a stamp on something to make it real. albums, Gem Drops and Gem Drops Two. DG With a few likeminded souls and a tagline, artists like Ghost Feet, Natasha Kmeto, and good things can happen. Fine, yes, bad things, DJAO have begun to make serious headway in too—but in the case of Portland-based elec- the somewhat insular electronic scene. Ghost Feet—the duo of DJ Calvin Hobbes and tronic label Dropping Gems, the ascent guitarist Rachel Qloq—simulate from regional to national notoriety Dropping extraterrestrial synapses, splicing has been nothing but positive. Gems dance-spazzy jams with broken It all started in 2008 when Showcase frequencies that accommodate Aaron Meola and a crew of DJ Qloq’s flittering guitar work. and emcee cohorts were at the Wed Jan 9 Their 2011 debut EP, Wires and tail end of their collegiate duties Holocene Chords, would fit into a hypnotic, at Evergreen State College in 1001 SE Morrison swaying stage show as easily as a Olympia. Despite pockets of basement-party rager. promising electronic music in the Kmeto brings an electro-soul hybrid area, Meola says the lack of organization among the artists thwarted the survival of that’s probably the label’s most accessible a tangible community. It wasn’t until DJs hodgepodge; meanwhile, DJAO crafts Rap Class and Gumar started an interview the most ambient kind of electro goodies, blog—dubbed Dropping Gems—that the texturalizing off-kilter beats over spooky idea of a collective crept into Meola and synths, odd chanting samples, and haunting industrial melodies. Co.’s consciousness. All three of those artists are releasing full“There really wasn’t anything holding everyone together, but a lot of us had been length albums on vinyl this year through brought together by similar interests in Dropping Gems, thanks to a partnership with music,” explains Meola. “At the time, Flying Seattle’s Fin Records. The collaboration has Lotus had just come out in 2008, and all of essentially strengthened Dropping Gems’ us were really inspired by that. My role was hold on the electronic music scene to include stepping in and saying, ‘Hey, let’s crew up more distribution, more releases, and the and start releasing music and put a stamp ability to produce vinyl. “It was really important to me that we on this.’” In 2009, the collective migrated south weren’t selling out,” explains Meola. “In the to Portland. Espousing the DIY tenets of past, we were recording everything in our cooperatively oriented groups like Anticon bedrooms and trying to do everything as and various LA beat scene crews, Dropping cheap as possible because we don’t really have Gems soon began throwing shows up the budget to do things in more professional and down the Pacific Northwest, initially ways. Not that that’s bad—but we kind of don’t featuring members of their crew, and soon need to do things as cheaply as possible just afterward incorporating members of other for the sake of it anymore. “It’s really incredible to turn something collectives—eventually flying in artists to that was just a passion, and something I just play showcases at venues like Holocene. Boasting a homegrown roster of artists, really wanted to do, into something that’s Meola has overseen 12 releases on the label, sustained.”

UP & COMING

This Week’s Music Previews

many familiar sounds, but I hesitate to classify them as a throwback band. Imagine Amy Winehouse with a sweet backing band doing some Rolling Stones covers in your friends’ basement. Their sound is chilling yet full of energy. The fat soul bass and dance-off between the strong female vocals and the squirmy guitar licks are definite highlights. Although their debut EP Silver Scars Will Be Our Constellations was just released in November, they have been playing together for over a year, and their live performance is what you should put your money on. With members hailing from local bands such as Little Volcano (who also play this festival), My Autumn’s Done Come, Dirty Mittens, possibly—well, probably—others, it’s not a surprise they know how to play a good show. Thanks play tonight as a part of the Big Ass Boombox festival,

18 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

a two-day free festival that spills from Backspace and Someday over to Kelly’s Olympian and Floating World Comics, with 40 bands and spoken word performers, too! ROCHELLE HUNTER Also see My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

THE GUTTERS, SAD HORSE, WIMPS, THE WOOLEN MEN (The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) At the very least, the new 7-inch single from Portland punk duo the Gutters offers value for money. Five complete songs grace the package, and while none of them last longer than a minute and change, each contains enough raunchy chords, brain-dead choruses, and ridiculously fake British accents to appeal to your basest punk-rock instincts. There’s even a song that asks the question posed eternally by DIY rockers, “Should we make a 7-inch?,” turning these slapdash, sloppy, two-chord butcheries into something hilariously meta. Like a mongrel that follows you home from school, you can’t help falling in love with the Gutters’ mangy, possibly diseased tunes, and there’s no question they’re gonna love you back. This record is a goddamn blast. NED LANNAMANN

SOM mind Port been It al tail e prom thwa star Meo “The toge com ing, In 20 orien thro soon show Boas two Feet elect extra Qloq sway Kme mea over All t Gem stren mor “It w reco we d we k “It’s wan

(5 0 3) 2 3 2 - 0 0 5 6 News

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UP & COMING

This Week’s Music Previews

SIR RICHARD BISHOP, AUDIOS AMIGOS, BEN VON WILDENHAUS (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) For more than 30 years, including 28 as a member of Sun City Girls, Sir Richard Bishop has explored new worlds with each otherworldly new release. At the same time, there’s no mistaking it’s him. The guitarist remains prolific, too, which shouldn’t come as a surprise considering his proclivity for mining the cultural and historical fabric of America and beyond. A typical Bishop release can include spaghetti-western picking and Hindi-influenced strums all within minutes of each other. At times it’s tuneful, at others a little more abstract. At the end of the day you get the impression that Sir Richard is just in it for himself. Luckily, we reap the benefits. MARK LORE

SATURDAY 1/12 RJD2, MANIC FOCUS, MEDIUM TROY (Roseland, 8 NW 6th) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

GOTHAM A GO GO (White Owl Social Club, 1305 SE 8th) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

RUSSIAN OLD NEW YEAR (Star Theater, 13 NW 6th) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY, SHITTY WEEKEND, JUICY KARKASS, MYTHOLOGICAL HORSES (Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) See Music, pg. 17.

BIG ASS BOOMBOX: CHARTS, FATHER FIGURE, SOUVENIR DRIVER, & MORE (Kelly’s Olympian, 426 SW Washington) On Souvenir Driver’s debut full-length, Lifts the Curse, the pop conglomerate fashions an ambitious soundscape of sleepyeyed, fuzzy guitar-rock. The Portland quartet somehow pulls off pairing psychedelic sex-punk tunes like “Philosophy” with more grandiose, Brit-pop-oriented epics like “Futures” or the noodle-y ballad “Trust,” while sustaining a common thread of powerful, emotive songcraft. Repetition plays a big role in the Souvenir Driver oeuvre, and songs tend to dawdle on past the five-minute mark; but the reward for patience is a wonderfully moody panorama of reverb-y dream-pop that ought to fit in nicely with tonight’s installment of Big Ass Boombox, spread out over four downtown venues. For extra fun tonight, try to guess in advance the course that Charts bassist Andrew Clyde’s nomadic antics will take, before he inevitably climbs onto a bass amp, an audience member, or a bar table to perform. RYAN J. PRADO Also see My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

BEETHOVEN’S EMPEROR CONCERTO (Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway) What would it be like to have a living legend jam with your favorite local band? One’s daydreaming could lead to pants-wetting images of Neil Young strumming with Weinland, or Björk yodeling with Menomena. Luckily, I ain’t some poor sap forced to settle for mere flights of fancy—because I already scored tickets for the Oregon Symphony’s next concert, featuring piano god André Watts. Listen the fuck up: Most Oregon Symphony concerts feature an international virtuoso that teams up with Portland’s big band, but Mr. Watts is this season’s only soloist to carry legendary status with him onto the Schnitzer stage. Introduced by Leonard Bernstein on national TV in the early ’60s when he was a 16-year-old black kid, the wunderkind instantly rocketed to stardom and has been playing to packed houses ever since. The sweet, sweet fact that Watts is in PDX to knock out Ludwig van Beethoven’s Fifth (and final) Piano Concerto makes this program the very first do-not-miss performance of 2013. Why not be absolutely crazy and resolve to catch at least one show in the new year that doesn’t feature ironic facial hair? ANGRY SYMPHONY GUY

GEOGRAPHER, ON AN ON (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Judging by Give In, the forthcoming debut album from new Minneapolis band On an On, a crisis can lead to great things. Made up of three members of the band Scattered Trees, the group formed sort of accidentally, when the three—Nate Eiesland, Alissa Ricci, and Ryne Estwing—decided to carry on after that band fell to pieces. Using leftover studio time that was already booked, the trio worked with Broken Social Scene producer Dave Newfeld and reinvented themselves on the fly as a more or less entirely new band. None of it would matter if Give In weren’t the beautiful record that it is. Boasting songs that alter-

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nately tremble in delicacy and explode with bombast, it’s melodramatic pop, rendered in smart and wholly appealing colors. NL

SUNDAY 1/13 LOUDON WAINWRIGHT III, DAR WILLIAMS (Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

BEETHOVEN’S EMPEROR CONCERTO (Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway) See Saturday’s listing.

CHELSEA WOLFE, KING DUDE, CASE STUDIES (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) This is the second date on a monthlong, acoustic-only US tour that perfectly pairs doom-crooners Chelsea Wolfe of Los Angeles and Seattle’s King Dude. Anyone who’s ever loved the gorgeous angst of early PJ Harvey and/or currently swoons to icy-cold epics by the Knife or Zola Jesus will instantly fall in love with Wolfe’s dark heartbreakers from her new album, Unknown Rooms: A Collection of Acoustic Songs. King Dude will go on to tour Europe afterward, promoting his new album, Burning Daylight. Both are going to burn brighter than ever in 2013, so catch them in the excellent intimacy of the Doug Fir while you still can. KELLY O

RAEIN, BIRDBRAIN, CARRION SPRING, DUCK LITTLE BROTHER DUCK (Laughing Horse Books, 12 NE 10th) It’s been over half a decade since screamo briefly entered and exited the mainstream consciousness, but that doesn’t mean nobody cares anymore. On the contrary: Among a peculiar breed of hipster, for lack of a less vulgar word—the kind clad in earth tones, whose coolness is relative to the obscurity of his favorite hardcore record—screamo and all its relatives and outgrowths have endured marvelously and have even become a sort of generational secret handshake. So it’s no surprise that Italian screamo lodestar Raein’s appearance in Portland is generating a degree of rabidity typically reserved only for a hypothetical ’N Sync reunion. Granted, this is a pretty big deal— Raein verges on “fucking legendary” status and they’re playing a donation-based, all-ages show at a bookstore. While undoubtedly satisfying fans of their older material, the group’s latest offering, Sulla Linea d’Orizzonte Tra Questa Mia Vita e Quella di Tutti, unexpectedly flirts with a variety of other styles (dream pop, Sonic Youth worship). All in all, you gotta go. MT

www.eastendpdx.net

THURS. 1/10 - DEATH BY STEAMSHIP, VERBAL TIP, PINKZILLA

FRI. 1/1 - RAINA, CONCRETE FLOOR, ROMCOM, + DJ SISTER SISTER SAT. 1/12 - MY NEW VICE, RENDERED USELESS, THREE ROUND BURST

SUN. 1/ 3/13 - WITCH AVEN, CEMETARY LUST, LUCIFER’S CHILD(MERCIFUL FATE TRIBUTE) BLOODLUST(VENOM TRIBUTE), SARCALOGOS, INEBRIATOR, NEKRO DRUNKS

TXE, VINNIE DEWAYNE, MIC CAPES (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) Tetherball is the latest from local trio TxE, a five-song EP that once again finds Tope and Epp rapping over production crafted by G_Force. Thematically, the project is an ode to golden-era hiphop, featuring nods to A Tribe Called Quest’s “Check the Rhime” as well as a prominent Biggie Smalls sample on the title track. Mic Capes recently released his excellent solo debut, Rise and Grind, and will be performing selections from it with the assistance of fellow Resistance member Glenn Waco. Chicago resident/North Portland native Vinnie Dewayne rounds out the bill, providing an excellent way to start the new year, rocking with the very highest quality of what Portland hiphop has to offer. RYAN FEIGH

MONDAY 1/14 A HAPPY DEATH, THE HOLY CHILD, BRAIN CAPITAL (East End, 203 SE Grand) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

SIT BACK

& RELAX.

BEETHOVEN’S EMPEROR CONCERTO (Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway) See Saturday’s listing.

TUESDAY 1/15 LADY GAGA (Rose Garden, 1 Center Ct) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15, and Music, pg. 17.

PHREAK: ELECTRONIC MUTATIONS: SUNFALLS, NOYOUYESME, HUEY COBRA, OGO EION (Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash) As Phreak is one of Portland’s most eclectic offerings of live electronic music, I was glad to hear that it will still endure, albeit on a new night and at a new venue (its new berth is Ash Street, taking over from its former home at Plan B). It is put on by the PAN!ZEN and Reactionary music collectives, both known for their encouragement of experimentalism in art and music of all forms. Spanning the myriad subgenres of electronica to present styles that include drum and bass, dubstep, glitch, and experimental ambient, Phreak aims to give a broad taste of a fascinating genre that too often falls victim to misconceptions and stereotypes. CHRISTINA BROUSSARD

Full Bar & Menu Until 2:30am Happy Hour 2 – 8pm DAILY

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

503-239-1143

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 19

Randy Rogers Band and Wade Bowen thursday january 17 Mississippi studios

wednesday january 23 newMark theatre

3939 N Mississippi Ave · portlANd, or 8:00pM show · 21 ANd over tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

1111 sw BroAdwAy · portlANd, or 5:30pM doors · All Ages tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

“the gentle giant”

saturday february 16 crystal ballrooM

1332 w BurNside st · portlANd, or 8:00pM show · All Ages tickets At cAscAde tickets chArge By phoNe 855-cAs-tiXX X2 tickets Also At the crystAl BAllrooM BoX office

tuesday april 23 elsinore theater

170 high st se · sAleM, or · 7:30pM show · All Ages tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

the NeXt Best thiNg to JohNNy cAsh

SAT 1/12 - THE GOODFOOT ALL-STARS FRI 1/11 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW THURS 1/10 - SCOTT PEMBERTON TRIO WED 1/9 - BROTHER DUET DUET: JACK DWYER & BEN LARSON / PAINE & MONEY MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 1/15 THE ROSELAND HUNTERS (Damien Erskine, Michael Quimby, Reinhard Melz)

WED 1/16 - THE WAY DOWNS THURS 1/17 - SCOTT PEMBERTON TRIO FRI 1/18- DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW SAT 1/19- JUJUBA featuring Nojeem lasisi MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 1/22 - RADULA (Jimmy Russell, Tye North, Carlton Jackson, Steveland Swatkins)

GOODFOOT

sunday March 3 theater of the clouds at the rose Garden oNe ceNter court · portlANd, or eArly 2:00pM show · lAte 5:00pM show tickets At rose QuArter BoX office, oNliNe At roseQuArter.coM, At pArticipAtiNg sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs, ANd By phoNe At 877.789.rose (7673)

squarepegconcerts.com

friday May 3 Mississippi studios

irs upsta aily d open :30 2 5s stair o d wnn at 9 ope w nights o on sh

3939 N Mississippi Ave · portlANd, or 8:00pM show · 21 ANd over tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

2845 SE STARK * WWW.THEGOODFOOT.COM * 503.239.9292 20 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

Music

Live Music

LISTINGS WEDNESDAY 1/9

AL’S DEN—Hurray for the Riff Raff, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Jason Okamoto, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—The Holy Child, The Monday After, Justin James Bridges, 9 pm, $5 BLACKWELL’S—Soul Cooking: Lloyd Jones, Carlton Jackson, Dover Weinberg, David Kahl, 8 pm BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm BOOM BAP!—The Ghost Ease, Wormy Earth, Hugo Berlin, Younger Shoulder, 8 pm, all ages CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOODFOOT—Jack Dwyer, Ben Larson, Paine & Money, 9 pm HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Mosby, 6 pm, free ★ HOLOCENE—Dropping Gems Showcase: Natasha Kmeto, The Great Mundane, Rap Class, Break Mode, Ghost Feet, Citymouth, Brown Bear, Bone Rock, Philip Grass, 8:30 pm, free ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm JADE LOUNGE—Adam Brock, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 LANDMARK SALOON—Bob Shoemaker, 6 pm; Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm ★ LAUGHING HORSE BOOKS—Hazel’s Wart, The Sky Above & Earth Below, Lunch, 9 pm, $3-5, all ages LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Gabriel Trees, 6 pm; Jonathan Warren & The Billy Goats, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, Wed, noon, all ages THE PRESS CLUB—Jeff Trapp, 8 pm RED ROOM—Cancer & the Rat, Erik Anarchy, God Bless America, Super Desu, The 4 Walls, 8 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM—Jordan Harris: Lost & Found, 9 pm SHAKER AND VINE—Robbie Laws, 7 pm, free SLABTOWN—Chandelle, 9 pm ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—The Northwind, Language, Design.Drift.Distance, 9 pm, $5 THE TARDIS ROOM—Eric Vanderwall, 6 pm THIRSTY LION—Jordan Harris, 8:30 pm VALENTINE’S—The New Pioneers, No Sky, Stepkid, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—Yur Daddy, Weekend Assembly, Chris Couch, 8:30 pm, free

THURSDAY 1/10 AL’S DEN—Hurray for the Riff Raff, 7 pm, free; Them! The Band!, 10:30 pm, free ANDINA—Greg Wolfe, 7 pm ANGELO’S—We Are Brothers, Jordan Cundari, 8 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Acoustic Village, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Montgomery Word, U Sco, Grammies, 9 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—The Restitution, The Man Who Laughs, Coastlands, 9 pm, $5, all ages ★ BARLOW TAVERN—Old Light, Nate Ashley, Ryan Stively, 8 pm, free BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Sidestreet Reny, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm BUFFALO GAP—Jameson & The Sordid Seeds, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—River Song, Caleb Paul, 8 pm, $6 ★ DOUG FIR—Hovercraft Records Showcase: Clorox Girls, Suicide Notes, Guantanamo Baywatch, Boom!, Hey Lover, Courtney & The Crushers, Pataha Hiss, The No Tomorrow Boys, 9 pm, $5 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2; Birdhive Boys, 9 pm EAST END—Death by Steamship, Pinkzilla, Verbal Tip, 9 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm; 3 Bedroom 2 Bath, 8 pm FIRKIN TAVERN—Sam Densmore, Tickle Fight, 9 pm, free FUNHOUSE LOUNGE—The Taste, David Lane, The Tipsy Ramblers, 8 pm, free GOODFOOT—Scott Pemberton Trio, 9 pm GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Common Dear, No Passengers, Reign Cycle, Searching for Sanity, 6:45 pm, $11-13, all ages ★ HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Marisa Anderson, 6 pm, free; The Mermaid Problem, Willie Wilson, SMBF, 9 pm, $4 JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5 KENNEDY SCHOOL—Honky Tonk Union, 7 pm, free, all ages KENTON CLUB—Doc Brown Experiment, The Keplers

LANDMARK SALOON—Chris Miller, 6 pm; The Pickups, 8:30 pm LAUGHING HORSE BOOKS—New Lungs, Cambrian Explosion, Mister Tang, 8 pm, $5, all ages LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Rob Stroup & The Blame, 6 pm; Dust & Thirst, Dylan Lee Johnston, 9:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mo Phillips, Jason & Johnny, 6 pm; Sparkle Nation, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Dkota, Melville, Spirit Lake, 9 pm, $5 THE PRESS CLUB—The Brazillionaires, 8 pm RED ROOM—My Robot Lung, Czar, AC Lov Ring, 9 pm, $5 RETRO RHYTHM—Ron Steen, 8 pm, free ★ THE SECRET SOCIETY—Lone Madrone, 6 pm, free, all ages; The Tezeta Band, 9 pm, $5 SLABTOWN—Our First Brains, Happy Noose, Beach Party, 8 pm, $5 SLIM’S—Taylor Kingman, 9 pm, free TAPALAYA—Milneburg Jazz Band, 6 pm, free TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free TORTA-LANDIA—Brian Francis & the FoPo Follies, 8 pm, free VIE DE BOHEME—Rob Scheps Big Band, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Brothers of the Hound, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Jonathan Warren & The Billy Goats, The Infinity of it All, Karyn Patridge, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Dave Captein, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY 1/11 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Red Molly, 8 pm, $15 AL’S DEN—Hurray for the Riff Raff, 7 pm, free; Them! The Band!, 10:30 pm, free ANDINA—Sambafeat, 8 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Sioux, Humours, Diesto, Fistfite ★ BACKSPACE—Big Ass Boombox: Animal Eyes, Your Rival, Lee Corey Oswald, Kithkin, Swingset Showdown, Our First Brains, 7:30 pm, free, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages; Mexican Gunfight, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Lisa Mann, 9 pm BRANX—All Falls Through, Crossing Hawthorne, Algorithm, Still Region, Whispers of Wonder, 7 pm, $8 BUFFALO GAP—The Get Ahead, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Ron Stephens & Freak Flag Fly ★ CLUB 21—Bison Bison, Dirtclodfight, Lamprey, 10 pm, free CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Floater, 9 pm, $16-18, all ages DANTE’S—Dirty Hand Family Band, Angel and the Badman, Power of County, 9 pm, $7 DOUG FIR—Crown Point, Western Aerial, Threebit Bourbon, 9 pm, $8 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; Counterfeit Cash, 9 pm EAGLES LODGE—Aszemar Glenn Band, 7 pm, $6 EAST BURN—Closely Watched Trains, 10 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Denim Wedding, Anne-Marie Sanderson, Jeff Donovan, 8 pm ★ FLOATING WORLD COMICS—Big Ass Boombox: Just Lions, 7 pm, free, all ages FORD FOOD & DRINK—The Darlin’ Blackbirds, 5 pm; Katie Roberts, 8 pm GOODFOOT—DJ Aquaman’s Soul Stew, 9 pm HALIBUT’S—Kenny Lavitz, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—American Bastard, Earth to Ashes, Splintered Throne, R.A.R., 7 pm, $8 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Sunshine Sound, DJ Sesqui, Lamar Leroy, 9 pm, free JADE LOUNGE—Nicole Sangsuree, Emily Stebbins, Natasha Pettit, 9 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Karen Lovely Band, 8 pm KATIE O’BRIEN’S—No More Parachutes, Soccer Babes, Comfort Zone, No Passengers, 9 pm, $5 ★ KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Big Ass Boombox: No Kind of Rider, Pheasant, Glassbones, Monoplane, Yuni in Taxco, The Mucks, 8:30 pm, free KENTON CLUB—The Whirlees, Dramady, Lord Master ★ THE KNOW—The Gutters, Sad Horse, Wimps, The Woolen Men, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—WC Beck, 6 pm; Shorty & The Mustangs, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Woodbrain, 6 pm; Lynn Conover & Gravel, 9:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Level 2, 6 pm; Robin Jackson, Kathryn Claire, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Sir Richard Bishop, Audios Amigos, Ben Von Wildenhaus, 9 pm, $10-12 MT. TABOR THEATER—Sean Gaskell, Njuzu Mbira, 8 pm, $8; Brad Parsons, Mimi Naja, 9 pm, $5 NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm NW FILM CENTER'S WHITSELL AUDITORIUM—Marc Ribot, 7 pm, $18 PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Flexor T, 9 pm, $2-5 THE PRESS CLUB—The Druthers, 8 pm ★ RECORD ROOM—A Happy Death, Mister Tang, New Lungs, 8 pm, $3 RED ROOM—Taiterd Oats, Sleepy Creek, Thorntown Tallboys, Wintermute, The Lucky Eejits, 9 pm, $6 THE SECRET SOCIETY—Pete Krebs & His Portland Playboys, 6 pm, fre; Libertine Belles, Jenny Finn Orchestra, 9 pm, $10 ★ SLABTOWN—Clorox Girls, The Cry, Coltranes, Motherboy, Blood Buddies, 9 pm, $7, all ages

★ Means we recommend it. To list your live music or DJ event, send your information at least nine days in advance to music@portlandmercury.com.

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 21

503.288.3895 3939 N. Mississippi info@mississippistudios.com

8pm doors/ 9pm show BarBar all ages until 9pm 21+ unless otherwise noted

An evening of new short films by James Westby

WHAT IS YOUR OUTER SPACE NAME?

Wed, Jan 9 7:30pmDoors/8:30pmScreening FREE! Transcendental guitar from multi-talented artist of the Sun City Girls

SIR RICHARD BISHOP AUDIOS AMIGOS

BEN VON WILDENHAUS Fri, Jan 11

$10 Adv

A delectable dance party gone Clueless

10pm-2am

DKOTA MELVILLE • SPIRIT LAKE

Thu, Jan 10

$5 Adv

An authentic Seattle voice of jazz, blues, and rock

PAULA BOGGS BAND

STEPHANIE SCHNEIDERMAN

Sat, Jan 12 6:30pmDoors/7pmShow $10 Adv OPB Music Presents PDX/Rx: Hip-hop at its finest from local tastemakers

MRS w/DJ BEYONDA

Sat, Jan 12

Jack Daniels Presents Mississippin’ with: Acoustic and alt-country from a trio of talents

$5 DoS

101.9 KINK.FM Presents: Compelling voices of mountain gospel, doo-wop, and classic soul

BIRDS of CHICAGO JENN RAWLING & BASHO PARKS HUCK NOTARI

Wed, Jan 16 7pmDoors/8pmShow $10 Adv Whiskey tinged country songs with timeless appeal

DENVER

TxE

VINNIE DEWAYNE MIC CAPES

Sun, Jan 13

FREE!

Square Peg Concerts Presents: Country favorites with songs of swagger and soul

RANDY ROGERS BAND WADE BOWEN Thu, Jan 17 7pmDoors/8pmShow $20 Adv Woodchuck Cider Sweet-n-Local Presents: Lush folk rock and dreamy soundscapes

THEMES

WIDOWER WHAT HEARTS

Fri, Jan 18

$8 Adv

Alt-rock/folk artist making honest and affecting songs

HEARTS AND MINUTES THE CASTE / GRAMMIES

Sat, Jan 19

$5 Adv

Golden melodies and pop hooks from a rock favorite

JENNIFER O'CONNOR KEN STRINGFELLOW (OF THE POSIES / BIG STAR / REM)

CHRIS BROKAW (OF CODEINE)

THE MALDIVES

Sun, Jan 20

Wed, Jan 23

Coming Soon... 1/24: THE PARSON RED HEADS 1/25: PBR PRESENTS: CITIES 1/26: CAT DOORMAN (EARLY) 1/26: ELEPHANT REVIVAL (LATE) 1/29: THE LOWER 48 1/31: CRUSHED OUT 2/1: REVA DEVITO

$10 Adv

2/2: BLACK PRAIRIE 2/3: TUMBLEWEED WANDERERS 2/5: SEAPONY 2/6: AAN 2/7: NICKI BLUHM & THE GRAMBLERS 2/8: WAMPIRE 2/9: MRS W/ DJ BEYONDA 2/10: WILD CUB

$13 Adv 2/13: UUVVWWZ 2/14: KURT BRAUENOHLER 2/15: STEELHEAD 2/16: KRIS ALLEN 2/17: ANIMAL EYES 2/19: THE DEER TRACKS 2/20: DAVID JACOBS-STRAIN 2/21: NUCULAR AMINALS

mississippistudios.com 22 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

Music

Live Music

LISTINGS SLIM’S—The Twangshifters, 9 pm, free ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Big Ass Boombox: Wooden Indian Burial Ground, Fanno Creek, Ninja Turtle Ninja Tiger, Genders, Thanks, Friends & Family, Donovan Breakwater THE TARDIS ROOM—Wizard Boots, Empire Rocket Machine, 9 pm THIRSTY LION—DeeDee Foxx & the Stimulus Package TIGER BAR—The Eddie Martinez Band, 9 pm, $6 TONIC LOUNGE—Miss Massive Snowflake, Last Prick Standing, HeadShapes, 9:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—The Tony Starlight Show, 8 pm, $15 THE WAYPOST—Hammercise, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; The Real, Doc Ocular, 9:30 pm, $8 WILF’S—Bill Beach, Brasil Beat, 7:30 pm

SATURDAY 1/12 ALADDIN THEATER—Steelhorse, Jennifer Batten, 8 pm AL’S DEN—Hurray for the Riff Raff, 7 pm, free ★ ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL— Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto: Andre Watts, Christoph Konig, Oregon Symphony, 7:30 pm, $21-111, all ages ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Boa Saida, 8 pm, $10 ASH STREET SALOON—The Real Things are Good, Give it FM, The Cool Whips, 9:30 pm, $5 ★ BACKSPACE—Big Ass Boombox: Desert Days, Eidolons, Pictorials, The Lovesores, The Jesus Rehab, Crooks, 7:30 pm, free, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Tree Frogs, 6 pm, all ages; Cats Under the Stars, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Bill Rhoades, 9 pm BUFFALO GAP—Rockin’ Piano Party: Jorge Ramirez, Dueling Duets, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Marie Schumacher Band, 8 pm, $5 CLUB 21—Minoton, Fruit of the Legion of Loom, Snarl DANTE’S—The Romanes, Stovokor, Hot Rod Carl, 9 pm, $7 ★ DOUG FIR—Geographer, On An On, 9 pm, $10-12 DUFF’S GARAGE—Midnight Serenaders, 9 pm EAST BURN—Doc Brown Experiment, Symbolism, 10 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Foundation First, 5 pm ★ FLOATING WORLD COMICS—Big Ass Boombox: Destroy Nate Allen, 7 pm, free, all ages ★ FOGGY NOTION—Old Junior, Damn Family, Zouaves GOODFOOT—Goodfoot All-Stars, 9 pm, $8 HALIBUT’S—Lloyd Jones, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Jetpack Missing, Gordon Avenue, Sons of Malarky, Palm Trees to Evergreens, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Tangled Web We Weave, Rustlah, Debrailler, M. Noir Beau, 9 pm, free IVORIES—Rebecca Kilgore, Randy Porter, Tom Wakeling, David Evans, 8 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Andrew Woodworth, Commonly Courteous, Jordan Harris, 8 pm KATIE O’BRIEN’S—God Bless America, Chase the Shakes, Taint Misbehavin, Sugar Tits, 9 pm, free ★ KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Big Ass Boombox: Charts, Father Figure, New York Rifles, Souvenir Driver, Bubble Cats, The Fasters, 8:30 pm, free KENNEDY SCHOOL—Garcia Birthday Band, 7 pm, free, all ages ★ KENTON CLUB—Medicine Family, Bubble Cats, Wooden Indian Burial Ground, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—8th Anniversary: Criminal Damage, No Statik, Drapetomania, Sad Boys, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—The Redeemed, 9 pm LAUGHING HORSE BOOKS—Deathbed, Another Mistake, Unrestrained, 9 pm, $5, all ages LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—James Low Western Front, 6 pm; Thom Lyons, The Beautiful Trainwrecks, Amanda Breese, 9 pm, $5 THE LOVECRAFT—The Pleasure Field, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Lorna Miller, 4 pm, all ages; A Simple Colony, Michael Jodell, 6 pm; Pura Vida Band, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Paula Boggs Band, Stephanie Schneiderman, 7 pm, $10 MT. TABOR THEATER—The Real, Laser Piss, 9 pm MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Archie Patterson, 4 pm, all ages NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Sammy Steele Band, 9 pm, $2-5 THE PRESS CLUB—Yiddish Republik, 8:30 pm RECORD ROOM—Trophy Wife, Whore Paint, The Body, 9 pm RED & BLACK CAFE—Moon Bandits, Blood Buddies, Andrew Link, Me & My Ego, 7 pm RED ROOM—Vultures in the Sky, Badlands, Yo Adrian ★ ROSELAND—RJD2, Manic Focus, Medium Troy, 7 pm, $19.50, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—Trashcan Joe, 6 pm, free; Barn Door Slammers, 9 pm, $7 ★ SLABTOWN—Manhattan Murder Mystery, Shitty Weekend, Juicy Karkass, Mythological Horses, 9 pm

★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Big Ass Boombox: Little Volcano, A Happy Death, Genders, The Hoot Hoots, Tiananmen Bear, Teenspot, Beyond Veronica, 8 pm, free ★ STAR THEATER—School of Rock performs Led Zeppelin 1, 3 pm, $12, all ages; Russian Old New Year: Chervona, The Flying Balalaika Brothers, Leonid Nosov, DJ Chkalov, 8 pm, $15-40 THE TARDIS ROOM—Dirty Hand Family Band, 9 pm THIRSTY LION—Dirty Blonde, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Dirtnap, Kingdom Under Fire, 9 pm, $6 TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Salutes the Copa: Tony Starlight, All-Star Horns, 8 pm, $16 THE WAYPOST—Felix Hatfield, Nate Lumbard, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Student Loan, 4:30 pm, free, all ages; Quasi Horse, Stunt Poets, 9:30 pm, $8 WILF’S—Richard Arnold & The Groove Swingers, 7:30 pm

SUNDAY 1/13 ★ ALADDIN THEATER—Loudon Wainwright III, Dar Williams, 8 pm, $30 AL’S DEN—Casey Shea, 7 pm, free ★ ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL— Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto: Andre Watts, Christoph Konig, Oregon Symphony, 7:30 pm, $21-111, all ages BACK DOOR THEATER—Ripe Mangos, Sweetie Lynn, Brumes, 7:30 pm, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm DANTE’S—Saloon Ensemble, 9 pm, $8 ★ DOUG FIR—Chelsea Wolfe, King Dude, Case Studies, 9 pm, $12-14 EAST END—Witch Haven, Wild Dogs, Fornicator, Lucifer’s Child, Bloodlust, Cemetery Lust, Sarcalogos, Inebriator, Nekro Drunkz, 9 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am THE ELIXIR LAB—Closely Watched Trains, 6:30 pm FOGGY NOTION—Drunk on Pines, Rogue Gallery, The Paris Funds, Mr. Frederick, 9 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, Sun, noon, free, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Of Mice & Men, Woe Is Me, Texas in July, Volumes, Capture the Crown, 6 pm, $1618, all ages JADE LOUNGE—Vanessa Rogers, 7 pm THE KNOW—Jr. Juggernaut, Brigadier, Pagerippers, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Jake Ray, Ian Miller, 8:30 pm ★ LAUGHING HORSE BOOKS—Raein, Birdbrain, Carrion Spring, Duck Little Brother Duck, 9 pm, $5-7, all ages LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Freak Mountain Family, 6 pm; Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free MIGRATION BREWING—Whistlepig, 7 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Christine Havrilla, Gypsy Fuzz, Rachael Rice, 6 pm; Whim Grace, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—TxE, Vinnie Dewayne, Mic Capes, 9 pm, free ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Brandon Carmody, 5 pm, all ages RED ROOM—Mursa, Bloodoath, Ion Storm, Blastfemur ROCK BOTTOM—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm ★ RONTOMS—Incredible Yacht Control, Lubec, 9 pm, free THE SECRET SOCIETY—Libertine Belles, Jenny Finn Orchestra, 9 pm, $10 SLABTOWN—The Numbats, Small Arms, Bipolar Bear, 8 pm, $3-5, all ages SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Hive: DJ Brian Backlash, DJ Skully, DJ Waisted, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free ★ VALENTINE’S—Fine Pets, Tiny Knives, Wild Thing, 9 pm THE WAYPOST—Ben Schwab, Waver Clamor Bellow, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Sale, 7 pm, free WONDER BALLROOM—Tribal Seeds, Stick Figure, The Maad T-Ray, 8 pm, $13-15

MONDAY 1/14 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Big Big Love, The My Oh Mys, 7:30 pm, $10-20 AL’S DEN—Casey Shea, 7 pm, free ★ ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL— Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto: Andre Watts, Christoph Konig, Oregon Symphony, 8 pm, $21-111, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—Sumo, 9 pm DUFF’S GARAGE—Susie & the Sidecars, 6 pm, $5 ★ EAST END—A Happy Death, The Holy Child, Brain Capital, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Skip vonKuske, Matt Voth, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Blue Flags & Black Grass, 7 pm ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm JADE LOUNGE—Lorna Miller, 7 pm, free; Salon De Musique: Jaime Leopold, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Bright Lights Conversation, 6 pm, free; Dan Balmer, 8 pm, free LANDMARK SALOON—Hack, Stitch & Buckshot, 9:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—The Pickups, 6 pm, free; Kung Pao Chickens, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages THE PRESS CLUB—Coconino Trio, 8 pm QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Soul Mates, 7 pm ROCK BOTTOM—Mt. Air Studios, 10 pm TIGER BAR—AC Lov Ring, 9 pm ★ VALENTINE’S—Ohioan, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—Rare Monk, Sean O’Neill, Justin Ready, 8:30 pm, free

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 23

BACARDI PRESENTS THE “BACK TO BASICS” SERIES HOVERCRAFT RECORDS SHOWCASE

CLOROX GIRLS

THURSDAY!

A ROCKSTRAVAGANZA ALBUM RELEASE WITH

CROWN POINT

SOUL-SONIC INDIE ROCK FROM SF

GEOGRAPHER SATURDAY!

FRIDAY!

SUICIDE NOTES BOOM! COURTNEY AND THE CRUSHERS GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH +HEY LOVER

THURSDAY JANUARY 10

$5 ADVANCE

SATURDAY JANUARY 12 WESTERN AERIAL +THREEBIT BOURBON

FRIDAY JANUARY 11

$8 ADVANCE

HAUNTING GOTH-FOLK FROM LA SINGER/SONGWRITER

CHELSEA WOLFE

+ON AN ON

$10 ADVANCE

DOUG FIR AND INNERFLIGHT MUSIC PRESENT

HALO REFUSER

MAKE IT A NIGHT Present that night’s show ticket and get $3 off any entree Sun - Thur in the dining room

+KING DUDE

SUNDAY JANUARY 13

$12 ADVANCE

AN EVENING OF SULTRY SMOOTHNESS FROM PDX

SHY GIRLS

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FRIDAY JANUARY 18

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LO-FI FOLK ROCK FROM BAY AREA DUO

SERVING BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, LATE-NIGHT. HAPPY HOUR 3-6 PM EVERYDAY, COVERED SMOKING PATIO, FIREPLACE ROOM, LOTS OF LOG. LIVE SHOWS IN THE LOUNGE...

KRIS

ORLOWSKI

TWO GALLANTS

+FUTURE TWIN

SATURDAY JANUARY 19

$15 ADVANCE

BUZZWORTHY SYNTHPOP FROM SWEDEN

TRISTAN PRETTYMAN

BUZZWORTHY SYNTHPOP FROM SWEDEN

NIKI & THE DOVE

THURSDAY JANUARY 17

DOUG FIR RESTAURANT + BAR OPEN 7AM–LATE EVERYDAY

A SPECIAL EVENING OF SEA/PDX FOLK ENSEMBLES

DE LA WARR +MAGIC FADES

POTATOFINGER +AFRO-Q-BEN

+GREAT WILDERNESS

FRIDAY JANUARY 25

$8 ADVANCE

FACE-MELTING ROCK ‘N ROLL FROM SO-CAL

RIVAL SONS SATURDAY JANUARY 26

+VACATIONER

THURSDAY JANUARY 24

$13 ADVANCE

SUNDAY JANUARY 27

$12 ADVANCE

RICHLY MELODIC, RETRO-FUTURIST SOUL-POP FROM SCOTTISH PHENOM

EMELI SANDE EMILY KING +LUCY SHWARTZ

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 2

$13 ADVANCE

$15 ADVANCE

PUNK-INFUSED ALT-COUNTRY FROM FOR 16 HORSEPOWER FRONT-MAN

WOVENHAND

AN INTIMATE EVENING WITH BELOVED SINGER/SONGWRITER

WILLY MASON

MONDAY JANUARY 28

$10 ADVANCE

HARMONIOUS AND BITTERSWEET MELONCHONY FROM BELOVED SUPER-DUO

ADAM GREEN

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 30

$14 ADVANCE

&

BINKI SHAPIRO MONDAY FEBRUARY 4

$10 ADVANCE

OM 2/9 North Mississippi Allstars 2/12 Ramona Falls 3/1 Divers + Broncho 3/4 Hillstomp 3/15 + 3/16 Lianne La Havas 3/25 All of these shows on sale at Ticketfly.com

BENJAMIN FRANCIS LEFTWICH 2/6 • LEFT COAST COUNTRY 2/7 • MARCO BENEVENTO 2/8 • OM 2/9 NORTH MISSISSIPI ALLSTARS 2/12 • THE RUBY SUNS 2/15 • BUKE AND GASE 2/16 • TIM SNIDER & SOUND SOCIETY 2/17 MOUSE ON MARS 2/19 • MIKE COOLEY 2/20 • THE WHAMMY 2/22 • DHELI 2 DUBLIN 2/23 • NIGHT BEDS 2/24 ADVANCE TICKETS AT TICKETFLY - www.tickfly.com and at JACKPOT RECORDS • SUBJECT TO SERVICE CHARGE &/OR USER FEE ALL SHOWS: 8PM DOORS / 9PM SHOW • 21+ UNLESS NOTED • BOX OFFICE OPENS 1/2 HOUR BEFORE DOORS • ROOM PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT www.jupiterhotel.com

24 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

Music

TUESDAY 1/15 AL’S DEN—Casey Shea, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Neftali Rivera, 7 pm ★ ASH STREET SALOON—Phreak: Electronic Mutations: Sunfalls, Noyouyesme, Huey Cobra, Ogo Eion, 9 pm, $2 BLUE DIAMOND—Margo Tufo, Doug Rowell, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Pagan Jug Band, 6:30 pm, free ★ BUNK BAR—The Van Allen Belt, Sucker for Lights, DJ Jet Jaguar, 9 pm, $3 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Tom Wakeling, 7 pm, $6 DUFF’S GARAGE—Trio Bravo, 6 pm, $2; Hamilton Loomis, 6 pm, $12; Dover Weinberg Quartet, 9 pm, $2 EAST END—Lauren Jewels, DJ Overcol, DJ Smooth Hopperator, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Caleb Klauder, Sammy Lind, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm GOODFOOT—Roseland Hunters, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Lady Starlight, The Dirty Pearls, 9:30 pm, $10-15 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—That Much Further West Radio, 4 pm, free; Chris Baron, Woody Moran, 9 pm, $3 IVORIES—Jazz Jam: Carey Campbell, Hank Hirsh Trio, 7:30 pm JADE LOUNGE—Siren Sessions: Margaret Wehr, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—MYS Jazz, 6:30 pm, $3 KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—The New Limb, 9 pm, $5 LANDMARK SALOON—Honky Tonk Union, 8 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Jackstraw, 6 pm, free ★ PETER’S ROOM AT THE ROSELAND—Sons of Fathers, 8 pm, $10, all ages ROCK BOTTOM—Brothers ’n’ Laws, 9 pm ★ ROSE GARDEN—Lady Gaga, 7:30 pm, $49.50-175, all ages SHAKER AND VINE—Arthur Moore, 7 pm, free TAPALAYA—Reggie Houston, Janice Scroggins, 6 pm, free TASTE ON 23RD—Brandstson Duo, 6:30 pm, free THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser, 9 pm TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Open Mic Night: The Roaming, 8 pm ★ VALENTINE’S—Houndstooth, Slang, 9 pm VINO VIXENS—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm THE WAYPOST—Chez Stadium, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—Cafe Istanbul, 8:30 pm, free

DJ LISTINGS

WEDNESDAY 1/9

CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm FIRKIN TAVERN—VJ Norto, 9 pm JONES—Spin Sugar: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Sinistar Galactica, 9 pm MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal STAR BAR—DJ Danny Dodge, 10 pm TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2 TUBE—DJ Smooth Hopperator, 10 pm

THURSDAY 1/10 CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—TRONix: Maximum Electronica: DJ 808, 9 pm ★ HOLOCENE—I’ve Got a Hole in my Soul: DJ Beyondadoubt, 9 pm, $5 JONES—New Jack Swing: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 THE LOVECRAFT—Night Moves, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free ROTTURE—Soul Nite: Chazz Madrigal, Johnny Grayston, 9 pm, $3 SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm STAR BAR—DJ Jake Cheeto, 10 pm TUBE—Big Trouble in Little Chinatown: DJ Zimmie, Dev From Above, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ Stay at Home, 9 pm VAULT—Jams: DJ 60/40

FRIDAY 1/11 BEULAHLAND—DJ Atom 13, 9 pm BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free THE CONQUISTADOR—DJ Drew Groove ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free

★ EAGLES LODGE—In the Cooky Jar: DJ Cooky Parker ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm FOGGY NOTION—BMP/Grind, 9 pm, free GROOVE SUITE—Cock Block: DJ Shiva, Miss Vixen, Heatesca, 10 pm, $5-7 ★ HOLOCENE—DJ New Moon Poncho, 5 pm, free; Snap!: Doc Adam, Colin Jones, DJ Freaky Outty, 9 pm, $3 JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 THE LOVECRAFT—Skullfuck Dance Party: DJ Horrid LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ★ ROTTURE—Live and Direct: Rev Shines, Slimkid3, DJ Nature, 9 pm, $5 STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Paultimore, 10 pm TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Heavy Hitters: Ante Up, 10 pm VALENTINE’S—Magnetic: Open-Deck Tape Night: Bone Rock, Northern Draw, The Biz, 9 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Recess: Samples, Knight Riderz, Cory O, Avery, 10 pm, $13

SATURDAY 1/12 AL’S DEN—DJ Hwy 7, 7 pm, free AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 BEULAHLAND—DJ Just Dave, 9 pm CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Up & Up: DJ Nature, 9 pm, $5 CRUZROOM—Vinylogy DJs DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free EAGLE PORTLAND—Realness: Little Bear, Hold my Hand, 10 pm, $3 THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, DJ Disorder, 10 pm, free GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free ★ GROOVE SUITE—After Dark GROUND KONTROL—Super Cardigan Brothers, 9 pm, $2 ★ HOLOCENE—Atlas: DJ Anjali & The Incredible Kid, E3, Bloco Alegria, 9 pm, $5 JONES—Inferno: DJ WildFire, 6 pm, $8; ’80s & ’90s Dance Music, 10 pm, $5 THE LOVECRAFT—Musick for Mannequins: Tom Jones, Erica Jones, 10 pm LOW BROW LOUNGE—Low Brow Dub Sessions: DJ Saltfeend, MonkeyTek, Samizdat, 10 pm, free LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—MRS., DJ Beyonda, 10 pm, $5 MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pmMOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ROTTURE—Bearracuda: Matt Stands, John Cross, 9 pm, $6 TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—DJ Stray, 10 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Disko-Funk Odyssey: DJ Dan, Hatiras, 10 pm

SUNDAY 1/13 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pm, free CRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco GROUND KONTROL—DJ Destructo, DJ Chip, 9 pm, $2 LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free SAVOY—KM Fizzy STAR BAR—DJ Bobcat, 10 pm, free

R E C O R D S

MONDAY 1/14 BLUE MONK—Deep Cuts, 8 pm GROUND KONTROL—Service Industrial: DJ Tibin, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 8 pm, free MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free STAR BAR—Metal Monday: DJ Jason Roberts, 10 pm

TUESDAY 1/15 CC SLAUGHTERS—DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—See You Next Tuesday: Kellan, DJ Avery, 9 pm, free ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Recycle: DJ Tibin, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—Rock Band Tuesdays: MC T. Wrecks, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—DJ Horrid, 9 pm STAR BAR—DJ Smooth Hopperator, 10 pm, free ★ SWIFT LOUNGE—Boogie Tuesday: Gwizski, Mikie Lixx TUBE—Tubesday, 10 pm

LIVE S

HOWC

ASE!

CLOROX GIRLS, SUICIDE NOTES,

DOUG F JAN 10tIR h

$5! 8PM

GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH, BOOM!, HEY LOVER, COURTNEY & THE CRUSHERS, PATAHA HISS, NO TOMORROW BOYS, + A SPECIAL READING FROM JUSTIN MAURER FROM HIS NEW BOOK "SEVENTEEN TELEVISION"

JASON POWELL

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 25

Why am I alive?

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JANUARY 18 -20, 2013

26 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

chocolatefest.org

Gossip

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VISUAL ART REVIEW

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Artpocalypse 2013

ArtChart OUR PICKS OF THE WEEK

Realism, Rubble, and Other Surprises by A.L. Adams

W

ELL, GUYS, it’s 2013 and the world didn’t end. Which means: Art still matters, and First Thursday now vibrates at a higher frequency. On my January beat, I would personally witness wild fluctuations in the character of curators and the presence of patrons, and I’d be made privy to international intrigue. But before that whole universe exploded, I stood at the White Box Gallery (24 NW 1st) amid an array of rusty rubble. In Affective Duplication, graffitist The Reader uses corrugated tin to form a wall and a tunnel, through which a row of busted-out, bullet-ravaged newspaper boxes spell a message large enough to see from space: “REREAD BOOKS.” The scale and materials alone show a refreshing level of commitment to installation and mixed media,

BOOK REVIEW

O

NE OF THE MORE endearing qualities of Portland’s small-press scene is how cooperative it is—there’s no shortage of literary events featuring team-ups between authors and publishers. Case in point: This week’s reading with Micheal Heald (head of Perfect Day Publishing) and Dan DeWeese (publisher of Propeller Books). Heald’s collection Good-Bye to the Nervous Apprehension was reviewed in a recent issue of the Mercury [“The Running Man,” Arts, Nov 28, 2012]. Its chatty, personal essays about college, sports, music, and girls stand in intriguing contrast to DeWeese’s more cerebral short stories. DeWeese’s Disorder is a lovely little book, with a striking red cover, French flaps, and deckle-edged (i.e. “raggedy”) pages. As an object, the book is appealing but inscrutable—the description on the book’s inner flap simply reads, in bold white capital letters, “THESE STORIES ARE ABOUT MEN, WOMEN, BUILDINGS, AND WORDS.” Architecture is the most notable of these recurring motifs—one character is an out-of-work archi-

COMEDY Q&A

though the messages are cryptic. In an adjacent room, three walls flicker with animated projections of pop art text, creating an effect that’s less intellectually demanding than it is ambient—like an aquarium for fonts. My advice? Take a date here. Sit on the bench and make out as if language is lost and you two are the last people on earth. Wishing the silent White Box more visits, I crossed the desolate MAX tracks and passed two giant laundry carts with eerily screaming wheels. “I don’t know if Dave appreciates how irritating this is,” one cart-pusher mused to the other. As the pair paused to consider WD-40, I forged on. If you spent 2012 admiring Portland Art Museum’s Ellsworth Kelly exhibition, you can get another fix of 1960’s color-field modernism via Josef Albers’ The Interaction of Color at Augen (716 NW Davis). I imagine the brightest, blockiest color studies of this era were easier to enjoy before desktop printers started spitting out similar stuff unbidden—but Albers’ subtler, more optically disorienting works feel a bit more “now” thanks to a lower-contrast palette and diagonals that evoke faceted prisms or slightly ajar doors. At Froelick’s group show (714 NW Davis), the prime placement goes to realists. Katherine Ace’s still-life oils transcend home-and-garden mundanity with dark, mottled backgrounds and surprising subjects (a bright tree frog, a self-peeling lemon) but Stephen O’Donnell’s matched pair of heshe portraits, “La Lorgnette” and “Le Monocle,” hold court. The duo are initially most striking for antique technique and arcane period garb (opera glasses for her, a monocle for him)... but the

punchline requires a second look. “Are these the same person?” I asked two dudes in dark stocking caps. “No way. Okay—maybe?” “She has chest-hair!” I pressed. “Oh!” both guys exclaimed at once. The verdict: They are the same person, and that person is the painter. O’Donnell, I love it. Modern, classic, haughty, naughty, sneaky, and brushstroke-perfect. Here’s some rainy-day fun: Pick a few blurry black-and-white images from Charles A. Hartman Gallery’s (134 NW 8th) Vintage Photogravures 1903-1917 and imagine your own German Expressionist film. Who’s the leading lady—the sultry nude? The plump, funny maid? Where’s she going—a bullfight, or a parasol picnic? Via zeppelin, train, or biplane? Choose your own adventure. Meanwhile, at Blue Sky Gallery (122 NW 8th), Andy Freeberg’s profiles of “the gallery world” are glorious for their subject matter as much as the photographer’s eye, and may provoke scene-envy for Art Basel or Pulse New York. You may wish you were viewing the actual pieces depicted in the backgrounds of the photos. Any such dissatisfaction would be heightened by a peek at Jesse Hayward’s work in the attached Nine Gallery, where sloppy geometry meets an uncomfortably broad color palette that goes from mucky to shrill. Hillerbrand + Magsamen’s prop-heavy portraits and junk jumbles bridge Blue Sky’s other extremes, evoking the postmodern theater of Risk/ Reward and TBA. Ultimately, though, I’d rather watch Hillerbrand do something wearing underwear and spongy Hulk fists, beyond mere posing. Hillerbrand smash? I didn’t ask.

Building Stories Form, Function, and Dan DeWeese’s Disorder by Alison Hallett tecture critic, another is working to prevent an old building’s beams exposed for all to see. building from being torn down, and yet another is The Oregon Writers Colony selected Disorder obsessed with his French-language copy of Le for its first-ever Oregon Book Club (details at orCorbusier’s Towards a New Architecture. egonwriterscolony.com), and it’s a sensible DeWeese’s stories are as thoughtfully selection: These stories deserve to be crafted as the buildings they frequently turned over and examined from difdescribe. And like extracting meanferent angles. Some readers will no ing from the shape of a building, doubt find them flat—the stories by Dan DeWeese reading these stories is an exercise largely eschew the straightforward w/Michael Heald; readin examining the relation of form to satisfactions of conflict and resoing at Powell’s City function: the walls are sound, the lution. For readers willing to kick of Books, 1005 W roof keeps the rain off, but there’s the walls a bit, though, Disorder’s Burnside, Mon Jan meaning beyond the purely functional. stories reveal their artful construc14, 7:30 pm In one story, “Zero,” about a writer who tion: They catalog the frustrations of finds himself at a terrible writer’s retreat, the unhappy, unemployed, and loveless men characters interrogate the story as it’s being writ- for whom the relationship between form and functen—the literary equivalent of an architect leaving a tion—their function—remains elusive.

Disorder

Bad Reputation Putting Portland on the Comedy Map by Alison Hallett formances of their popular sketch show. But their re- had a great experience. This year, I was looking turn promises more than just another chance to see for a way to put up a regular show that offered Portland’s best raptor impression: McLendon runs all types of theatrical comedy at a theater with a Bad Reputation Productions—best known for great reputation. PCS was a natural fit. PortRoad House: The Play! and this weekland has a lot of great things going for it end’s Aces performance marks the comedically right now, and I wanted debut installment of Slingshot, a new to be a part of taking it to the next comedy partnership between Bad level and putting Portland on the Ellyn Bye Studio at the Reputation and Portland Center same comedy map as Chicago, Armory, 128 NW 11th, Stage that will bring comedy shows New York, LA, and San Francisco. Fri-Sat 8 pm, $18-20, to PCS every few months. We spoke When I approached PCS with the slingshotpdx.com with McLendon about what audiencidea of Slingshot, they said yes! We es can expect from the pairing, and how both want to create a show that when she hopes this partnership will put Portyou hear the name, you know you are goland on the national comedy map. ing to get great comedy.

The Aces

S

HELLEY McLENDON PLAYS A GREAT OWL. Last spring, in the debut show from sketch comedy duo the Aces, McLendon’s most indelible character was a barn owl. She channeled a predator’s single-minded focus, flapping into walls as she tried to escape her well-meaning captor, played by Aces co-conspirator Michael Fetters. It was the most memorable character in a sketch show rooted in well-observed characters—a knack for capturing the nuances of human (and bird!) behavior is a hallmark of the Aces’ comedic brand. This weekend, the Aces present two encore per-

MERCURY: What inspired this partnership with PCS? SHELLEY McLENDON: A few things inspired me to approach PCS with the idea of Slingshot. Bad Reputation Productions staged a run of Road House: The Play! at PCS back in 2011, and we

Can you provide any more info as to what future shows might look like? Each installation is going to be different—from sketch comedy to improv to short films to whatever else is funny and smart—but I am really hoping to expand beyond that. This is where the “the-

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Natasya Filippovna—Moscow New Drama Theatre presents an improvisational performance based on Dostoevsky’s The Idiot. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, 241-1278, Jan 8-12, 7:30 pm and Sun Jan 13, 2 pm, $25 Dan Attoe—A release party for Everything is New, a book born out of Attoe’s disciplined regimen of creating a drawing every day for seven years. Independent Publishing Resource Center, 1001 SE Division, 8270429, Thurs, 7 pm, free Jonathan Franzen—A discussion with the author of Freedom and The Corrections. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335, Thurs 7:30 pm, $75-305 Robin Williams—Long before he was Patch Adams or Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams was probably the furriest, funniest free-associative cokehead on the stand-up circuit. But now he’s older, wiser, and touring the country for evenings of sit-down comedy. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335, Fri Jan 11, 7:30 pm, $76.50-194 Big Ass Boombox—Floating World’s contribution to the Big Ass Boombox festival, the Shit Talking Stage features readings from Martha Grover, Michael Heald, Kevin Sampsell, and more. Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, 241-0227, Fri-Sat 7 pm, free A Noble Failure—Third Rail’s new show is a world premiere that takes a hard look at the American education system. Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, opens Jan 11, runs Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm and Sun 2 pm, through Feb 3, $33.25-41.25

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atrical comedy” description comes in. Slingshot shows don’t have to fall in the traditional comedy categories—what that means for future shows is yet to be determined. But, for example, I’m really hoping that Slingshot will be able to stage a version of Scarface with a cast entirely made up of cats. So, someone out there needs to figure out how to do that and get in touch with me. The next Slingshot will be in late March and will be supergreat improv. Will you be bringing in any out-of-town performers or partnering with any other local comedy organizations? Yes to both. I am the main curator for Slingshot, and my goal is to bring only the best, smartest, funniest, and raddest stuff to the stage. So if those shows come from Portland or elsewhere, then I look forward to working with them. What do you hope will come out of this partnership? I would love for Slingshot to become a show that provides a place for people who do great comedy to get a great audience, and for audiences to know that when Slingshot comes around, you don’t even question it, you go to it.

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 27

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A man more beloved when it comes to Star Wars books than George Lucas is when it comes to Star Wars movies, Timothy Zahn’s Scoundrels blends the aesthetic of Ocean’s Eleven with the classic characters from a galaxy far, far away. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 228-4651, 7 pm

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PAUL GERALD

The author of one of the best guides to Portland’s brunch addiction returns with a book detailing all the best places to just go and chill out for a second in Peaceful Places: Portland. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

THOMAS NORMAN DEWOLF, SHARON LESLIE MORGAN Gather at the Table: The Healing Journey of a Daughter of Slavery and a Son of the Slave Trade chronicles the authors’ journey to discover just how the legacy of slavery has impacted their lives. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

MONDAY 1/14 JULIANN GAREY

Too Bright to Hear Too Loud to See is Garey’s debut novel, about a studio executive who leaves his family and travels the world for a decade while giving in completely to his bipolar disorder. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

TUESDAY 1/15

UNCHASTE READERS Featuring readings from Robyn Bateman, Robyn Johnson, Jessica Starr, Mary Slocum, Judy Ossello, Mimi Allen, and Lithopedion. Blue Monk, 3341 SE Belmont, 595-0575, 7:30 pm

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A NOBLE FAILURE A play from Susan Mach, taking a hard look at the American education system and how the bureaucracy of the institution doesn’t seem to have any room for concern as to whether anyone is actually learning anything. Part of the 2013 Fertile Ground festival. Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, opens Jan 11, runs Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm and Sun 2 pm, through Feb 3, $33.25-41.25

THE ROAD TO MECCA Profile Theatre continues their season dedicated to the works of South African playwright Athol Fugard, with a play about women resisting social norms in order to honor their own beliefs. Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont, Wed-Sat 7:30 pm and Sun 2 pm, through Feb 3, $16-30

NATASYA FILIPPOVNA The acclaimed Moscow New Drama Theatre presents an improvisational performance based on Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, 241-1278, through Jan 12, 7:30 pm and Sun Jan 13, 2 pm, $25

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COMPETITIVE EROTIC FAN FICTION 10 comics are given audience suggestions to envision, then write the funniest, filthiest, most creative examples of erotic fan fiction for the edification of those willing to endure the experience. Featuring Paul Jay, Ian Karmel, Sean Jordan, Shane Torres, Jimmy Newstetter, Barbara Holm, Xander Deveaux, Derek Sheen, and headliner Kyle Kinane. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227, Sun Jan 13, 7 pm, $10

KEVIN POLLAK A night of stand-up blending stories from Hollywood, social commentary, and some of the funniest, most accurate impressions you’ll ever see. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 888-643-8669, Thurs Jan 10, 8 pm, Fri Jan 11-Sat Jan 12, 7:30 & 10 pm, $20-25

ROBIN WILLIAMS Long before he was Patch Adams, or Mrs. Doubtfire, or that dude who yawped barbarically at dead poets, Robin Williams was probably the furriest, funniest free-associative cokehead on the stand-up circuit. But now he’s older, wiser, and he’s touring the country for evenings of sit-down comedy with help from David Steinberg. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335, Fri Jan 11, 7:30 pm, $60-175

VISUAL ART ART FARE An exhibition of photographs from Andy Freeberg, who turns the camera around on the dealers, gallery patrons, artists, and museum guards working in the art industry. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th, 225-0210, through Feb 3

ART OF MUSICAL MAINTENANCE 9 The Goodfoot’s annual celebration of poster art, featuring more than 300 works by over 40 artists. Goodfoot, 2845 SE Stark, 239-9292, through Jan 20

C.U.N.T. An evening of performance from artists Jennifer Locke, Keke Hunt, Nicole McClure, and Anne McGuire. Rocksbox Fine Art, 6540 N Interstate, 971-5068938, Sat Jan 12, 8 pm

FOLKERT DE JONG An exhibit of works from the Dutch artist and sculptor, exploring themes related to war and international crises. Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park, 2262811, through April 21

HOUSE/HOLD An exhibition of intimate video/photography works from Mary Magsamen and Stephan Hillerbrand, exploring the relationships, activities, and contradictions of suburban family life. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th, 225-0210, through Feb 3

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WEIGHT AND LAID TO REST

Northwest Classical Theatre Company presents George Bernard Shaw’s frantic satire about a social climbing young woman and a professional soldier comically finding their way towards true love. Shoe Box Theater, 2110 SE 10th, 971-244-3740, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Jan 20, $18-20

Two separate but related exhibitions from artists Kelly Rauer and Samantha Wall. Weight is a multi-channel video installation featuring Rauer dancing in her studio, responding to the changing quality of the light, and Laid to Rest is a set of drawings from Wall that grow out of selected video stills, exploring the cultural underpinnings of gesture. Art Gym, 17600 Pacific Hwy, Marylhurst, 699-6243, Sun Jan 13, 3 pm and Jan 14-Feb 14

A world premiere play by Susan Mach, based on what’s recognized to be the first ransom kidnapping in America, the abduction of Little Charlie Ross in 1874 Philadelphia. Part of the 2013 Fertile Ground festival. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, 241-1278, Tues-Sun 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Feb 10

28 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

Based on the stories from L. Frank Baum, Durante Lambert and the Detail Dance Company present a performance filled with jazz, hip hop, African, and contemporary dance. Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-4335, Sat Jan 12, 8 pm, $27.75-42.25

Well Arts presents a staged reading of oral histories collected in interviews with seniors living in low-income housing with REACH Community Development. Firehouse Theatre, 1436 SW Montgomery, Fri 7:30 pm and Sat 2 pm, through Jan 12, $5-10

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An exhibition of site-specific, large-scale work from artist Chris Fraser, calling attention to light as it moves through architecture. Disjecta, 8371 N Interstate, Sat Jan 12, 6 pm

ROBERT RAUSCHENBERG An exhibition of selected prints and tapestries from a man considered a defining force in contemporary art for almost sixty years. Elizabeth Leach Gallery, 417 NW 9th, 224-0521, through March 2

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by Marjorie Skinner

Adam Arnold and “Madrina”

A

DAM ARNOLD has been behaving strangely. After years of hosting fashion shows for two collections annually, he seems to be becoming more and more indirectly involved with the proprieties of apparel design. He hasn’t had a traditional show in over a year, but has been branching off in interesting directions instead, designing upholstery for Schoolhouse Electric and costumes for a performance by the Oregon Ballet Theater. So it’s somewhat less than surprising to find him giving an artist lecture at the Portland Art Museum this week. For it, he chose a sculpture, Mark Calderon’s 2001 “Madrina”—part of the museum’s permanent collection—and crafted a response, which he will be presenting and discussing. As with everything he endeavors, the result will no doubt be thoroughly conceived and thought provoking. Artist Talks: Adam Arnold, Thursday January 10, Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park, 6 pm, $15

MERCURY—How did this project come about? Did the museum approach you?

ADAM ARNOLD—You know how I was planning the subversive fashion show [Arnold had previously planned to have a flashmob-esque fashion show during the Rothko exhibit]? My friend Natalie knew someone at the museum and they were like, “He could do an artist talk,” and I was like, “No, I just want to do a fashion show!” Then I thought about what I could do for it, and they were totally excited about the concept. How did you go about selecting “Madrina”?

It’s actually in the sculpture court, and I really love the fact that it’s accessible. It’s outside, and anyone can see it at any time of the day. The weird thing is I have false memories about it. I almost remember seeing it as a kid, but it says “2001.” It’s a creepy sculpture, for lack of a better word. Menacing and haunting. Every time I go to the museum I think about it. It looks like a woman facing away from you, but as you walk around it she’s always looking away from you. There’s no face and there’s no front. It’s pretty figurative, and it’s been abstracted and stylized, but I arrived at the conclusion that it’s a woman because the title means “godmother” in Spanish, and it seems to have long hair. It could be something that isn’t even human, but I’ve always thought of it as a woman. What is your piece in response like?

I’m doing at least one response piece. It may be more than one. It’s going to be wearable… I guess you could consider it clothing. I’m not thinking about arms, legs, and fit like I usually do with clothing because of the fact that the sculpture has no discernable front or back, and there are no arms. There is a repetitive quality to it that I’m inspired by, and by the color of its bronze with a patina. It’s very troubling, and that comes through, I think, in the color choices and repetition. It makes you uneasy. I’m actually doing a collaboration with [makeup artist] Galen [Amussen] on creating something that doesn’t have a face.

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MADRINA, MARK CALDERON, 2001 Will it be presented on a live model?

At this point I’m thinking that the model will be alive. I’m leaving that until the end, but whatever it is it’s probably going to have a head. The whole process of this has kind of… when you’re making something in response to a piece of artwork (I hate that word “piece”) there’s a lot of non-physical action. You’re just sitting there receiving whatever the art is giving you. You’ll find yourself in a place that is not necessarily very comfortable. It put me in this uneasy space, which is kind of interesting to have happen at the beginning of the year and the beginning of winter. But it’s important to let myself feel that before I can create something. Do you plan on returning to more conventional fashion shows this spring?

I purposely have taken a 365-day break from doing conventional fashion shows. I felt like the fashion show as I was presenting it was not in synch with how I wished it would be, and by giving myself a break it allows it to reform itself. I’ve never jived much with, like, the manufacturing and trend forecasting of fashion. It’s always been more to me about expression and freedom. At the same time, I’m making clothing for people in Portland. I am the manufacturing. But it’s less about going and buying a cute top at the store and more about purchasing a piece by the person who thought of it, and maybe lies more in the realm of art than in goods and services. That’s at least what I hope for my own vision and life. I want what I do to be considered something that kind of transcends just clothing. However that manifests in how I present it, I’m still not sure. As far as a spring show, I have a lot of ideas for what I would like to wear in the spring, and what I see people wear in the spring. I’m constantly drawing and getting new fabric in, but rather than people seeing finished clothing in a show and choosing, they see sketches and the possibility. There’s a fashion show going on all the time, but it’s not all in the same room with music pumping. I feel like it’s evolving, and when it’s time it will happen. You could consider this artist talk a “fashion show.” There’s something I’m creating that’s new, and born of inspiration. @MJSkinner800 on Twitter

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Last Supper SWISS CLASSICS AT CAFE HIBISCUS Waiter, There’s Aloha In My Soup by Chris Onstad

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NOLAN CALISCH

Entrées come with either a crisp, creamy INERS HALF-JOKE about thrashing refresh coleslaw or simple green salad, and a viewers who call attention to their favorchoice of either spätzle or rösti. Rösti ($5) are ite undiscovered haunts. Until now, I’ve never the ultimate expression of hash browns: shredtruly understood this rather myopic sentided, mixed with a mince of bacon and onion, ment. Given the unusual, highly affordable, and fried to a deep golden crisp. (They are and hearty Swiss classics served at Cafe Hioffered with a $1 fried egg when ordered à la biscus, however, I’m hesitant to sabotage my carte, which makes for a solid mid-day or evefuture visits in the service of publicizing this ning breakfast.) Spätzle, “little sparrows,” are a noteworthy little neighborhood phenomenon. small dumpling something like a twisted gnocIf you’ve ever driven down NE Alberta, you’ve missed it. I never saw it until last month, chi; batter is knifed off a board into boiling water, set, then lightly browned in butter. These despite living in the neighborhood for three are a strictly traditional example, the style I reyears. Tucked behind a medical office just member from a trip to Bavaria. yards off the main strip, chef and owner The goulash ($12.50) is tender, Jennie Wyss serves a focused menu braised Carlton Farms pork in a of hard-to-find (hard-to-find-doneCafe light cream sauce, and typically well, at any rate) old-world comHibiscus lives on the specials board. The fort dishes like jagerschnitzel with spätzle, Szegediner goulash, martinsswissdressing.com most expensive special on offer 4950 NE 14th Ave was the pork jagerschnitzel with and rösti. Her restaurant, with 477-9224 chanterelles in a light sauce remiits blended Hawaiian-Swiss decor niscent of a pan-built demiglace (a and straightforward Swiss cuisine, princely $14.50). For only $9.50 there is a straightforward, inviting mix of reis no better deal than the bratwurst plate: a fined food and warm hospitality. large, juicy, velvet-smooth sausage grilled and Cafe Hibiscus’ offerings distinguish themsmothered in deeply caramelized onion petals, selves by coming across as neither excessively served with a tube of sharp Swiss mustard. A portioned nor overly rich. It’s a rare thing thick and fully flavored vegan lentil stew ($9.50) to walk away from a full plate of such food will satisfy guests of any dietary stripe without without dreading the next hour of laborious seeming like an obligatory menu inclusion. digestion. Here, starch-supported entrees of Worth noting is a large section of affordable sausages, stews, and schnitzels seem delicate yet uncompromised children's fare that hews despite their ample portions. The prices are respectfully close to the adult offerings. There also curiously low for dining room service: enare no burgers or chicken nuggets, but rather trees range from $8-12 (prices are rumored by a carefully chosen assortment of $3.50 wienerli the staff to rise this year, which will no doubt (frankfurters), schnitzel (chicken or pork, with get them in line with the average entrée index browned butter and lemon), cheese or mariof about 1983). nara spätzle, and rösti. The warm and educated Free, hot bread may seem like a trivial staff is family friendly, happy to run either craything, but its significance to a restaurant ons or pints of Stiegl helles to your table. guest—here: sit and be fed before the routine Also worth noting is a five-item sandwich of cost and choice begins—is of primal impormenu ($8-$9, including salad or coleslaw), tance. This disappearing token of hospitality featuring a sturdy wienerschnitzel cutlet veris wordlessly provided, along with ramekins of sion, as well as a cult-favorite herbed roast their family’s mysteriously smooth and tangy chicken breast. Swiss dressing. We over-fed a family of five on well-preBefore I start to sound like Andy Rooney’s pared and graciously delivered food for $40 hack brother, though, I’ll move on to the heart one evening, including an outlay of their noof the matter. frills desserts. A Swiss cafe awash in Aloha A variety of cold salads are available as apvibes might sound like something of a novelty petizers, but start with the Swiss Salat Teller act, but in simple terms of value, service, food sampler ($8.75, plenty for two). Chilled and quality, and my immediate desire to return richly flavored, the Wurst Salat with thin halffor lunch the next day, it’s a far more serious moons of knockwurst and cheese, as well as contender than its quiet reputation would lead the Tuna Salat (light, fresh, and aromatic with one to believe. dill), were stand-outs. A hot starter of Croute Emmental ($7), toasted bread topped with thinly sliced ham, Emmenthaler cheese, and Open Tues 5:30-8:30 pm, Wed-Sat 11:30-2:30 a mushroom cream sauce, is also substantial pm for lunch and 5:30-8:30 pm for dinner. Beer and wine only. Reservations recommended. enough for two to share.

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Email CONTESTPDX@GMAIL.COM with your name, address and what you take a stand for. The grand prize winner will receive a prize pack including VIP seats to the exclusive advance screening on 1/16! Runners-up will receive passes to the screening. Please note: Winners will be chosen and notified by Mon, 1/15 at 5 PM. 10 winners will be chosen; one grand prize winner & nine runners up. Passes are limited and will be distributed on a first come, first served basis while supplies last. No phone calls, please. Limit two passes per person. Each pass admits one. Seating is not guaranteed. Arrive early. Theatre is not responsible for overbooking. This screening will be monitored for unauthorized recording. By attending, you agree not to bring any audio or video recording device into the theatre (audio recording devices for credentialed press excepted) and consent to a physical search of your belongings and person. Any attempted use of recording devices will result in immediate removal from the theatre, forfeiture, and may subject you to criminal and civil liability. Please allow additional time for heightened security. You can assist us by leaving all nonessential bags at home or in your vehicle.

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32 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013 PORTLAND MERCURY

1934 NE Alberta, 971.255.1793 NEVER stop doing what you like; ALWAYS take it to the HILT.

Film

Where’s Osama?

(Pssst! He’s Inside That House in Abbottabad!) by Erik Henriksen ficials while researching the film—“creates the strong impression that the enhanced interrogation techniques that were part of our former detention and interrogation program were the key to finding Bin Laden. That impression is false.” But then he wrote something else: That “whether enhanced interrogation techniques were the only timely and effective way to obtain inZero Dark formation from those detainees, as the film suggests, is a matter of deThirty bate that cannot and never will be dir. Kathryn Bigelow definitively resolved.” Opens Fri Jan 11 “Enhanced interrogation techVarious Theaters niques” is how the C.I.A. prefers to refer to “torture”—graphic depictions of which certainly are contained in the film. (Before that, a simple title card: “The following motion picture is based on ZERO DARK THIRTY Based on actual events...just like Fast and Furious! firsthand accounts of actual events.”) While ERO DARK THIRTY is factually McCain last month to Sony Pictures Chair- torture plays a prominent role in Zero Dark inaccurate, and we believe that you man Michael Lynton. A few days later, Mi- Thirty—as it did in reality—it’s hardly the fohave an obligation to state that the role of chael J. Morrell, the acting director of the cus of Bigelow’s film, which begins and ends torture in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden is C.I.A., informed his employees that Zero with tears, but crams an incredible amount not based on the facts, but rather part of the Dark Thirty—despite the fact that director into the nearly three hours in between. Fofilm’s fictional narrative.” So wrote Sena- Kathryn Bigelow and writer Mark Boal were cusing on a C.I.A. intelligence officer known tors Dianne Feinstein, Carl Levin, and John granted extraordinary access to agency of- only as Maya (played by Jessica Chastain,

“Z

Original Gangsters

and whose anonymous real-life counterpart, the Washington Post notes, is known for making good use of “dedication and combative temperament”), Zero Dark Thirty seeps with the wounds of 9/11 and charges forward as its characters—and its audience—get evercloser to a compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. No one’s sure if bin Laden’s in there, except the audience—and our knowing this does nothing to diminish the film’s jarring intensity, which speaks volumes to how good Boal’s nuanced screenplay is, how acrossthe-board great the performances from Chastain, Joel Edgerton, Chris Pratt, James Gandolfini, and Mark Duplass are, and how smart and hard-edged Bigelow can be. Spanning years and continents, Zero Dark Thirty says a lot—and none of it is comforting, even if it’ll never be clear exactly how much of it can be tied back to actual events. But what is clear is how real it feels: Zero Dark Thirty zooms in on everything from computer screens to bullets ripping through metal and flesh, but whether Bigelow’s capturing the blown-out harshness of a Middle Eastern desert, the empty flicker of florescent overheads, or the grainy green phosphorescence of night vision, she colors everything in shades of gray. For all the stark chatter around the film, there’s no black and white in Zero Dark Thirty—which means there isn’t any victory, either.

When Shamu Attacks

Gangsters, Lovingly Smothered in Clichés by Wm. Steven Humphrey

Rust and Bone’s Romance of Misfortune by Marjorie Skinner

GANSTER´SQUAD This is the part where they argue over who’s riding in which car. Shotgun!

RUST AND BONE Not pictured: a killer killer whale!

T

HINK TODAY’S AMERICA has prob- a sweaty, haymaker-throwing brawler of lems with assault weapons? If Gangster a film with gorgeous art direction, snappy Squad is any indication, 1949 was the year patter, blood-splattered violence, and the smoky come-hither eyes of the aforewhen bullets fell like raindrops. Loosementioned Gosling. The heavy-handly based on Paul Lieberman’s book Gangster ed clichés are pursued with such Gangster Squad: Covert Cops, the Squad zealous affection that it’s hard not Mob, and the Battle for Los Angeles, the film is both a mushy lovenote dir. Ruben Fleischer to smile—until about the threeOpens Fri Jan 11 quarter mark. to the gangster genre and a gunVarious That’s about the time when your happy bloodbath that gives Django Theaters smile slowly turns to disappointUnchained a run for its money. ment after realizing there’s nothing here Josh Brolin plays straight-arrow LA cop Sgt. John O’Mara—who returns from the but gorgeous clichés. The two-thirds mark war to learn that crime boss Mickey Cohen would’ve been the perfect time to take this (Sean Penn) has built a new kind of war zone film in a new, exciting direction. Unfortunatewhere crime, corruption, drugs, rape, and ly, every twist and turn is telegraphed well murder run rampant. O’Mara is ordered to in advance, and by the time we arrive at the form a covert squad of honest cops (including bloody bullet-drenched dénouement, every the downright dreamy Ryan Gosling) to take person you expected to live or die has dutidown Cohen… aaaaand if you’ve seen The Un- fully done so. What you’re left with is threetouchables, you know exactly where this story quarters of a fun movie, renewed concerns about Hollywood’s fetish with assault weapis going, and go there it certainly does. Make no mistake, even as a carbon copy, ons, and fleeting memories of Ryan Gosling’s comic-book version of Kevin Costner’s 1987 dreamy eyes. So there’s that. movie, Gangster Squad gets the job done. It’s

R

on her back in a parking lot with a bloody EDUCED TO ITS essential elements, nose, and Alain tells her she’s dressed like there’s tradition in Rust and Bone. Based a slut. He gives her his number anyway. She on a collection of short stories by Canadian doesn’t call him. author Craig Davidson and directed Rust Until she does. An on-the-job by Jacques Audiard (A Prophet), it’s and Bone accident causes Stéphanie’s legs a slow-building love story between two people who begin in an acri- dir. Jacques Audiard to be amputated above the knee, hitting the restart button on both monious place—an oft-repeated Opens Fri Jan 11 her character and the film. Cotilarc that’s comforting evidence that Fox Tower 10 lard’s performance, deft throughsometimes happiness comes from out, is punctuated by her handling of unhappiness, too. Stéphanie’s reaction when she wakes in the Rust’s skin, on the flipside, is bizarre hospital, and the remainder of the film is a and grimy, and the paths of its characters twisted mess of unromantic crimes, violent are frightening and erratic—from one mounderground fighting rings, bad decisions, ment to the next, it’s impossible to anticiand failures—the coarseness of which are pate where this odd story will go. Marion juxtaposed by Stéphanie’s rebirth and hardCotillard punts her makeup bag to the side won confidence, achieved in large part by to play Stéphanie, a brassy, working-class the healing powers of her and Alain’s booty orca trainer (!) who works at a Sea Worldcall arrangement. By stringing together like amusement park by day and rages at these shabby elements and wringing out the clubs by night. Matthias Schoenaerts the little positives within them, Audiard’s plays the brutish Alain, a homeless former managed to make romantic tropes feel like boxer who recently reclaimed his young son uncharted territory—a tactic that’s exactly from life with his mother as a drug mule. what love stories need to stay alive. On the night they meet, Stéphanie’s flat

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 33

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F R O M T H E AWA R D W I N N I N G D I R E C T O R O F “ A P R O P H E T ”

2

GOLDEN GLOBE AWARD NOMINATIONS INCLUDING

SCREEN ACTORS AWARD GUILD NOMINATION

®

DUMB AND DUMBER Just the good ol’ boys. Never meanin’ no harm.

®

BEST(DRAMA) ACTRESS MARION COTILLARD

BEST ACTRESS MARION COTILLARD

★ 8 1/2 Fellini’s much-loved 1963 classic, back on the big screen with a 35mm print. Hollywood Theatre.

©HFPA

“A HYPNOTIC FILM THAT MEANS TO SHAKE YOU, AND DOES. MARION COTILLARD IS A TOUR-DE-FORCE. SHE’S ASTONISHING. MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS IS SUPERB.”

★ ANNA KARENINA Prediction: Joe Wright’s Anna Karenina is going to be the Speed Racer of literary adaptations—defended by nerds, derided by other nerds, and baffling to the public at large. It’s an audacious interpretation of Leo Tolstoy that’s overstuffed and overflowing with style. I can’t be sure that it’s a good movie—but I was so overwhelmed by its boldness that I can’t deny I kind of loved it. JAMIE S. RICH Fox Tower 10, Hollywood Theatre.

-Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

WINNER

BEST ACTRESS

HOLLYWOOD FILM AWARDS

MARION COTILLARD

MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS

RUST AND BONE A FILM BY

ANY DAY NOW The personal is very much political in the agenda-driven gays-can-be-good-parents-too film Any Day Now, which sacrifices character development and relationship building in favor of making a point. That the point made is a heartfelt and worthwhile one goes some distance toward making up for the film’s myopic focus. ALISON HALLETT Living Room Theaters.

JACQUES AUDIARD

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★ DJANGO UNCHAINED The world’s first western blaxploitation revenge buddy comedy, Django Unchained is one of Quentin Tarantino’s best movies—a brutal, hilarious, thrilling, messy bastard of a thing. It’s the result of Tarantino gleefully making a balls-out western after years of almost doing so, and it’s excellent that he did: The genre hasn’t been served this well since Deadwood, No Country for Old Men, and Red Dead Redemption. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters. ★ DUMB AND DUMBER “According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.” Laurelhurst Theater.

GANGSTER SQUAD

See review this issue. Various Theaters.

THE GUILT TRIP

Bill Murray can do no fucking wrong. His Franklin Delano Roosevelt obviously isn’t the so-good-it’s-scary, soul-deep possession of Daniel Day-Lewis’s Abraham Lincoln. It’s not like you ever forget that he’s Bill Murray. But he’s excellent anyway: He gets the president’s playfulness, his condescending, patrician air, and his inherent inaccessibility, and he makes it his own. His performance is a masterful sketch that looks easier than it probably is. It’s a shame Murray is stuck in the middle of such a pedestrian movie. PAUL CONSTANT Fox Tower 10.

I AM NOT A HIPSTER A Sundance-approved, San Diego-set film that “explores what it means to be creative in the face of tragedy.” Clinton Street Theater.

THE IMPOSSIBLE Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts star as a British couple vacationing in Thailand with their three sons. When the 2004 tsunami hits, husband and wife are separated in the blast. Though based on a true story, The Impossible has drawn some understandable criticism for the fact that it’s changed the nationality of the real family from Spanish to British in order to cast two white actors in the lead roles. (Naturally, the reason is that the movie studio thought they could make more money this way.) Luckily, backward corporate policies don’t stop The Impossible from being a pretty good movie—and if you can ignore the color of their skin, all the actors turn in outstanding performances. JAMIE S. RICH Various Theaters.

★ JACK REACHER Werner Herzog plays the villain in a solid, pulpy, funny, Tom Cruise-led adaptation of Lee Child’s thriller One Shot. Here’s something Herzog says in the movie: “I spent my first winter as a prisoner in Siberia wearing a dead man’s coat. I chewed these fingers off before the frostbite could turn to gangrene.” Here is something Tom Cruise says in the movie: “I’m going to beat you to death and drink your blood from a boot.” I liked this movie. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

A HAUNTED HOUSE

JON JOST RETROSPECTIVE

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” That’s how proto-nerd J.R.R. Tolkien began The Hobbit, his charming children’s book that inspired The Lord of the Rings, one of the most extraordinary doorstops of English literature. Compared to the gloomy, intricate Rings, The Hobbit is a short, fast-paced, goofy adventure. Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, though, is something else: Hollow, meandering, repetitive, and tedious, it covers only the first part of Tolkien’s book, yet somehow feels longer than any of Jackson’s excellent Lord of the Rings films. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

34 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON

A mother-son road comedy (mom-com?) starring Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen. Is this a Barbra Streisand movie with Seth Rogen in it? Or a Seth Rogen movie with Barbra Streisand in it? (It seems inconceivable that they could really share billing or, for that matter, a significant audience demographic.) In the interests of science, and because I am not history’s greatest monster, I invited my mother to the press screening to see which one of us would like it better. And... we both liked it about the same. Well played, Hollywood! The Guilt Trip isn’t a great movie, but it’s not terrible. (“Just so-so” was my mom’s verdict.) BEN COLEMAN Various Theaters. A parody of horror movies, written by and starring Marlon Wayans. Shockingly, this film was not screened for critics. Various Theaters.

Now on Wednesdays!

cabin packed with a makeup table and more rubbery prosthetics than Cloud Atlas, Oscar goes to a number of “appointments”—and at each, he drastically changes his face, his hair, his clothes, his mannerisms, his cohorts. First he appears as a privileged businessman, then a filthy, deranged, fucked-up leprechaun; sometimes he’s a decrepit, panhandling old woman, later he’s a father, an assassin, a guy wearing a motion-capture unitard who goes down on a woman wearing a motion-capture unitard. Holy Motors might very well be brilliant, and it also might very well be 2012’s version of the emperor’s new clothes. ERIK HENRIKSEN Living Room Theaters.

★ HOLY MOTORS Monsieur Oscar (Denis Lavant) traverses Paris in the back of a massive white limousine. With faithful driver Céline (Edith Scob) at the wheel, and with the limo’s

A retrospective of experimental filmmaker Jon Jost’s 50-year career, with Jost in attendance for “most, if not all” of the screenings. More info: cstpdx.com. Clinton Street Theater.

★ KILLING THEM SOFTLY The story of Killing Them Softly is timeless: Here are a bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money. While it’s based on George V. Higgins’ 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, Killing Them Softly feels utterly contemporary—largely because writer/director Andrew Dominik has picked up Higgins’ story and plopped it down a few decades later. Now it plays out in the gray ruins of post-Katrina New Orleans, with a soundtrack of news stories about the 2008 financial crisis leaking from every TV and car radio. Suddenly, that bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money is part of a bigger story. ERIK HENRIKSEN Academy Theater, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater.

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY JANUARY 11-THURSDAY JANUARY 17, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

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DO THE RIGHT THING Wheee! Pizza party!

★ KUNG FU THEATER A 35mm print of what’s probably the word’s best kung fu movie: Master Lau Kar Leung and Gordon Liu’s 36th Chamber of Shaolin! Hollywood Theatre. ★ A LATE QUARTET At the start of A Late Quartet, Christopher Walken’s character explains to a group of his cello students that Beethoven’s late quartet, Opus 131, is not the standard four movements but instead has seven parts and that you have to play them straight through with no breaks, which causes your instruments to go all out of tune with one another. “It’s a mess,” he says. It’s also a metaphor about how basic entropy affects togetherness. The togetherness, say, of a musical group that’s been playing together for 25 years when the oldest member finds he has Parkinson’s and can’t go on. Walken plays that character. Has he ever been the emotional center of a film before? It’s magical. For much of A Late Quartet, the camera follows the storm of the other characters’ drama—often, melodrama—until it finds a resting place once again on Walken’s alien face, quietly registering the effects of old age. JEN GRAVES Laurelhurst Theater.

LES MISÉRABLES

Look, I like Les Misérables. If it was playing at a reputable theater company in Portland this weekend? I would go see it! But good lord, the new movie is garbage. It’s like Trapped in the Closet for white people who aren’t in on the joke. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

★ MARC RIBOT LIVE: THE KID Musician Marc Ribot performs a live score to Charlie Chaplin’s The Kid. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

NOT FADE AWAY

In his debut as film writer/director, The Sopranos creator David Chase proves he still excels at loving portraits of old-school dads and their shitheadish sons, even if he hasn’t quite mastered the art of writing for film. Compelling, touching, and brilliant at points, as a whole, Not Fade Away feels like an un-lubed HBO pilot roughly jammed into a movie slot. Still, it’d make a great show, and I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that the guy who once gave us a cut to black as Tony Soprano walked through a diner in slow motion can’t write endings. VINCE MANCINI Fox Tower 10.

PARENTAL GUIDANCE This film stars Billy Crystal and Bette Midler. We did not review this film. Various Theaters.

★ PROMISED LAND There are a lot of good intentions muddled up in Promised Land, and a lot of talent, too—the frustrating, almost-great film is directed by Gus Van Sant, with a story by Dave Eggers and a screenplay from costars John Krasinski and Matt Damon. Promised Land is a film with an agenda disguised as a film with no agenda, and if that sort of thing doesn’t make you a little bit mad, well... then you should go see it! ’Cause otherwise it’s really good. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS Based on the beautifully illustrated books of William Joyce, Rise of the Guardians re-imagines the origins of childhood’s greatest heroes (Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Sandman, and the Tooth Fairy) as an Avengers-style team that—in addition to their day jobs—protects the innocence of kids around the world. Alas, three quarters of Guardians involve unnecessary, dizzying action sequences, rather than focusing on building characters, plot, and the subtext of the story. While the ending works, it does so just barely—and makes one long for the great, gorgeous, thoughtful children’s film that Guardians could’ve been. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Century Clackamas Town Center, Century Eastport 16, Division Street, Forest Theatre, Sherwood 10.

★ SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN Detroit singer/songwriter Rodriguez released two obscure albums of introspective, Dylanesque agitprop-lite in 1970 and 1971, then promptly vanished. Documentary filmmaker Malik Bendjelloul picks up his thread in South Africa, where Rodriguez’s music has amassed a huge following over the decades—and where nobody knows a thing about the mysterious man behind the records. If this is the first you’ve heard of Rodriguez, you might choose to stop reading here, because the twist that Searching for Sugar Man reveals—while not a surprise to anyone who’s picked up the recent reissues of his albums on the Seattle-based Light in the Attic label—is handled brilliantly in the film. Even if you do know what happened next, Sugar Man is still one of the most intriguing and satisfying music documentaries in a good while. NED LANNAMANN Laurelhurst Theater.

STRUCK BY LIGHTNING “After being struck and killed by lightning, a young man recounts the way he blackmailed his fellow classmates into contributing to his literary magazine.” Okay! Written by and starring Kurt from Glee. Living Room Theaters.

THIS IS 40

Everybody knows that couple. They’re pretty, everybody likes them, and they’re fun to hang out with—until they aren’t, since they’re always fighting. Not screaming, crying, throwing-whatever’s-at-hand fighting, but that sort of passive aggression with just enough tension to make everyone slightly uncomfortable. Spending two hours with them is kind of like watching This Is 40. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ THIS IS NOT A FILM It’s tough to say who directed the Iranian This Is Not a Film, a quiet and disturbing quasi-documentary starring internationally acclaimed Iranian filmmaker Jafa Panahi. Panahi was under house arrest and a decades-long ban on writing, directing, or making movies. But what counts as filmmaking? What if he uses his iPhone to record his daughter’s pet iguana? Or himself eating breakfast? Or him talking with the young man who picks up garbage from his apartment building? What if those images were edited and smuggled out of the country in a cake in time for Cannes? At what point did Panahi cross the line from idly playing with his iPhone into filmmaking? The result is a small but deep movie that will haunt the regime and reminds the rest of us that while the Arab Spring seems to have come and gone, the Persian Spring has yet to arrive. But it will. The other result—Panahi has graduated from house arrest to prison. BRENDAN KILEY Living Room Theaters. ★ UNIVERSAL PICTURES:

CELEBRATING 100 YEARS

The 2013 South By Southwest Music Conference & Festival

A series of new 35mm prints of some of Universal’s best and most famous movies. This week’s selections include Do the Right Thing, Pillow Talk, Dracula, and The Mummy. More info: nwfilm.org. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

HUNDREDS OF BANDS ANNOUNCED! Dave Grohl to deliver keynote March 14, 2013. Showcases now on Tuesday night! For the latest panels, bands and more, go to: sxsw.com/music

VHS FOR PRESIDENT

MUSIC GEAR EXPO March 14–16, 2013.

More weird VHS finds from Seattle’s Scarecrow Video. Hollywood Theatre.

EXPERIENCE MORE Visit us at: youtube.com/sxsw

★ ZERO DARK THIRTY See review this issue. Various Theaters.

★ RUST AND BONE See review this issue. Fox Tower 10.

REGISTER TO ATTEND Next discount Jan. 11, 2013. sxsw.com/attend

Brought to you by:

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY JANUARY 11-THURSDAY JANUARY 17, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 35

Savage Love by Dan Savage

Gay Cray

I

’ m a straight male, 21 years old. I love women, I’ve always loved women, I’ve always loved having sex with women. However, in the last year, here and there, I’ve jerked off to transsexual porn. One night, after drinking with a friend and smoking some hash, I arranged a date with a trans sex worker. She was totally womanly, nothing manly about her, except for, you know. She licked my butt, gave me head, and fingered me. I’ve been on the receiving end of anal play before from girls, so nothing new. But somewhere during this encounter, I became the receiving partner during anal sex. At the time, I was too fucked up to care. But the next day, I started to feel REALLY bad. She was very safe and used condoms for everything. I just can’t get past the fact that I did the gayest thing a guy can do. I feel really depressed about this traumatic situation. I can’t seem to enjoy my life anymore. I’ve even felt somewhat suicidal. (I would never kill myself—I wouldn’t do that to my family and friends.) I still want to date women and have sex with women. I don’t regret being with a trans woman because I wanted to experiment. I’ve been tested since the encounter to make sure I didn’t catch anything. What I regret is her sticking her thing in my butt. Can a single act like this make me gay? Please help. Wrong Side of Wild Side

G

i v e y o u r s e l f a break, WSOWS. Yes, yes: You did the gayest thing a guy can do—you allowed someone to put a dick in your manbutt—but now you’re doing the secondgayest thing a guy can do. You’re being a huge drama queen about the whole thing. Stop acting so cray, as the kids say, and repeat after me: One dick in the ass does not a gay man make. Look at it this way: The difference between having a woman’s finger in your ass and having a woman’s dick in your ass is a matter of degree. If the woman’s finger was fine—to say nothing of the woman’s tongue—why freak out about the woman’s dick? Remember: You don’t sleep with men, you’re not attracted to men. You made an exception for this woman’s dick because her dick is exceptional: It’s attached to a woman. So maybe you took a longer walk on the wild side than you might have if you’d gone on that walk sober, WSOWS, but thankfully, your sex worker was conscientious and responsible and used condoms. So you didn’t emerge from this encounter with anything more devastating than a touch of gay panic. Be a man about this—be a straight man about this—and walk it off, as the football coaches say. Maybe this will help: Like a lot of gay men, I had sex with a woman before I came out. I did the straightest thing a guy can do—I put my dick in a vag—and it didn’t make me straight. You did the gayest thing a guy can do—you let someone put a dick in your ass—but that didn’t make you gay. Because you’re not gay, WSOWS, and one ride on a trans escort’s dick can’t change that. If nothing I’ve said has made you feel better, WSOWS, maybe this will: Gay men don’t hire trans women sex workers. Wanting to be with a woman who has a dick is an almost exclusively straight male kink/obsession/wild side. Gay men are into dick, of course, but what we’re really into is dudes. There are gay men out there who date and fuck and shack up with trans men—men with pussies—so not all gay men are after dick. What we’re all after is dude. If our gayness can’t be defined solely by dick, WSOWS, then surely your straightness can’t be undone entirely by dick.

Sex

I

’m a married straight man. I recently spent a lovely day snorkeling with my wife in Mexico. We were grouped with three men who were obviously in a committed three-person relationship. I lacked the cojones to ask directly, but they had an extensive travel history together and lived together, and there were various PDA pairings during the day. They were lovely people. I wish we all lived in the same city, as it’s hard to meet cool people who aren’t exactly like you when you’re married with kids. Several questions: (1) What do gay people call such a union? (2) Does the gay community think it’s odd? Unremarkable? Sensible? (3) How does a union like that form? A couple adds a third? (4) Do these relationships last? Lots of pros and cons, just curious how it plays out. Three-way Relationship Intrigues Oblivious Straights

1.

JOE NEWTON

S u c h u n i o n s are referred to as “throuples” by gays and straights. For a picture of the inner workings of a gay throuple, TRIOS, check out Molly Young’s profile of one in New York magazine’s most recent “Sex Issue.” Benny, Jason, and Adrian are the men behind the popular “gipster” porn site CockyBoys. com, and you can read Young’s piece about their home, work, and sex lives at tinyurl.com/

gaythrup. 2. Some gay people think throuples are odd, some think they’re unremarkable, and some think they’re sensible. And some gay people— some dumb ones—think gay throuples are bad PR at a time when gay couples are fighting for the right to marry. But our fight is for equal rights, not double standards, and no one argues that straight marriage should be banned because of all the straight throuples, quadles, quintles, sextetles out there. 3. Yes, that’s usually how it happens. 4. Throupledom presents unique challenges: Major life decisions require buy-in from three people; two can gang up against one during arguments; the partners who were coupled before the third came along may treat the third as a junior partner, not an equal partner. But throupledom presents unique benefi ts, too: another set of hands to help around the house, another income to pay down the mortgage, another smiling face to sit on. And it’s not like coupledom is a surefi re recipe for success. Half of all marriages—those traditional “one man, one woman, for life” marriages—end in divorce. Yet discussions of throupledom all seem to begin with the assumption that coupledom is a self-evidently more stable arrangement. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I’d like to see some research.

I

recently used the term “saddlebacking” to indicate the position where a man rubs his penis between his partner’s ass cheeks as either foreplay or nonintercourse sex. My girlfriend, a regular reader of your column, insists that I used the term incorrectly. Did I? Rubbed the Wrong Way

Y

o u d i d , RTWW. “Saddlebacking,” as defined by Savage Love readers, is when two straight teenagers, endeavoring to preserve an evangelical girl’s virginity, engage in anal intercourse. Since anal sex isn’t really sex, according to the abstinence educators evangelical teens are exposed to, many good Christian teenagers rationalize that getting fucked in the ass doesn’t really count against a girl’s virginity. The act to which you refer—rubbing your penis between someone’s ass cheeks—is known variously as frottage, outercourse, the Princeton Rub, or “the pearl tramp stamp.” But in Chicago, it’s known as “the Cardinal George.” mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage. 36 portlandmercury.com January 9th, 2013

I❤ TV

TV

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Donkeys in Danger

I

’VE GOT GOOD NEWS; I’ve got bad news. First, the bad news: The networks have staunchly refused to give my reality show, High-Diving Donkeys, a green light. Their rejection letter said something JEREMY EATON about how a show involving 12 donkeys livOther non-donkey-related shows debuting ing together in one house while competing this week… against each other in high-diving compe• Washington Heights (MTV, Wed Jan 9, titions “isn’t commercially viable.” ISN’T 10 pm). Despite the epic artistic failures of COMMERCIALLY VIABLE??? Man, I’m The Hills, Jersey Shore, and The Real World, glad I’m not driving right now, because MTV returns to the youth reality trough when I hear the words “High-Divwith Washington Heights, which… Fact: ing Donkeys,” I can’t see anyhold on! May not be half bad! Unthing but DOLLAR SIGNS. like the fakey, manufactured Everything But WHATEVER. Since drama of the previous entries, can be improved the kids of Washington Heights the networks are apparently scared of making money, I’ll are gritty, real, and most imupon with just keep my idea and launch portantly, not self-entitled, rich donkeys. one of those “Kickstarter camb-holes. (Though it would be much paigns” in which you donate a better with donkeys.) load of moolah to get High-Diving • The Carrie Diaries (CW, Mon Jan Donkeys on the air, I make a million bucks, 14, 8 pm). A “prequel” to HBO’s Sex and the and you never see a penny of it. BUT! In City (ACCKK!!), The Carrie Diaries docureturn, YOU get to watch 12 donkey room- ments the teenage years of Carrie Bradmates fighting, laughing, making love, and shaw (EEEEK!), in which Carrie tongue diving off a 50-foot platform into a kid- wrestles super hot high school boys (RRRRdie-sized swimming pool. You cannot put a ROWRR!!), falls in love with idiotic New price on that. York fashion (BLECHH!!), and develops the Anyway, here’s the good news: So while insipid voice-over style that will eventually you won’t be watching donkeys diving into make the entire world want to wrap piano pools, you will get to see celebrity has-beens wire around her throat (GRRRR!!!). (Just a (and never-haves) give it a go this week in the suggestion, but I’d much rather watch The two-hour Fox special, Stars in Danger: The Donkey Diaries.) High Dive (Wed Jan 9, 8 pm). • Continuum (SYFY, Mon Jan 14, 8 pm). Watch, wince, and laugh with malicious In this Canadian sci-fi import, a hotsy-totsy glee as quasi-celebs—including JWoww (Jer- cop from the year 2077 hitches a time masey Shore), Kim Richards (The Real Housewives chine ride with terrorists back to the year of Beverly Hills), Antonio Sabato Jr. (General 2012, where she vows to stop their evil plans Hospital, Melrose Place), Terrell Owens (some of effing with the future. Now, a donkey football jerk), and more—attempt to perform from the future wouldn’t improve this show… Olympic-style diving routines that turn into IT WOULD MAKE IT THE BEST SHOW non-Olympic-style stinging belly flops. Two EVARRRRR!!! Goodbye High-Diving Donkeys, hours of watching people I can’t stand, pain- hello Time-Traveling Donkey Cop! fully hitting the water like bags of wet ceFollow that donkey! ment? It may not be donkeys… but oh, my @WmSteveHumphrey goodness. It will do!

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9

9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY Jay’s trip to Palm Springs is absolutely terrible—that is, until the appearance of Billy Dee Williams! (EEEE!!!) 10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY Monsignor Howard tries to silence the babbling Sister Jude with more oh-so-gentle ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10

8:00 NBC 30 ROCK While in Florida, Jack makes a stunning discovery about his mom—which I hope involves some sort of lesbianism. 9:30 NBC 1600 PENN When his generals refuse to get along, the president resorts to awkward group therapy.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11

10:00 MAX BANSHEE Debut! An ex-con assumes the identity of a small-town sheriff, fighting crime while avoiding the mobster he crossed! 10:30 IFC OUT THERE Debut! An animated series about high school life, and the awfulness within.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 12

9:00 WE CYNDI LAUPER: STILL SO UNUSUAL Debut! Because Cyndi Lauper is the last person on earth to have her own reality show.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13

9:00 HBO GIRLS Season premiere! Hannah throws a hipster party, where Shoshanna is expectedly and delightfully awkward. 10:00 TLC PETE ROSE: HITS & MRS. Debut! A reality show starring the 71-year-old shamed baseball player and his Playboy Bunny wife. GAH-ROSS!!

MONDAY, JANUARY 14

8:00 CW THE CARRIE DIARIES Debut! I’ve got a question: Who’s the monster who gave Carrie the diary?!?

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15

8:00 PBS PIONEERS OF TELEVISION A great documentary series, this week featuring the funny ladies of classic TV! 10:00 FX JUSTIFIED While searching for a missing person, Raylan discovers that shooting people clears a nice path.

January 9th, 2013 portlandmercury.com 37

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Gossip

News

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Picks

IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS

Music

Arts

Food

Fashion

Film

Sex

TV

Fun Fun

Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com

by Ian Karmel

I

MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE

Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com

DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH

t’s a scant season for optimists.

next to you and seeing a clown driving a Post-Christmas Portland is a Chrysler. If I see some dude use his Orponderous fucking bummer. It’s egon Trail Card to buy a loaf of Dave’s your living room the morning after Killer Bread in December I feel compasyou hosted a party, and you’re left sion, empathy and joy—everyone deserves wondering if the previous mirth delicious bread now and then. If I see that was worth this mess of twisted, same dude using food stamps to buy unCanDoable beer cans, red cups full spendy-ass bread in January, I want him to die eating it. YOU BUY ENRICHED of bloated cigarette carcasses, WHEAT HOME PRIDE AND and barren beef jerky bags. M alais e DIE SLOW LIKE THE REST We don’t get natural diOF US, YOU DOWN-ONsasters here in Portland. (I HIS-LUCK DORK. know we’re supposed to What is there to look get a total bro of an earthforward to? Valentine’s quake at some point, but Day is fine, but nobody has I’m pretty sure that’s why an appropriate opinion on Danny Glover lives in Forest Valentine’s Day. Some peoGrove… to save us from that ple get all saccharine (stuffed earthquake.) Instead, we spread kangaroo holding a heart, accompaour natural disaster out over nine months. We become “Portland: Home nied by a card written and directed by of the All-Day Evening.” For a while, our Garry Marshall) and it’s obnoxious as disgusting weather is charming because fuck. But it’s sweet. I mean... it’s sweet y’all stylish motherfuckers can wear your like Fun Dip, but it’s still sweet. Then pea coats, thick Irish sweaters, drink tea, there are the motherfuckers who want to and almost buy The Bell Jar, and then spit in your Fun Dip and remind you that it’s Halloween in all of it’s unimpeachable it’s a holiday created to sell chocolate, dopeness, and then it’s Thanksgiving and flowers, greeting cards, and to make you can get drunk with people from high single people feel sad. Fuck you, single school, and then it’s Christmas and all people, with your entire beds and your the things people love about Christmas freewheeling handjobs. Buy yourself a (whimsy, Jesus, limited edition beer), and milkshake and holster your meme snark. then it’s whatever the fuck you young go- So what’s left? Tax service commercials, hards do on New Year’s Eve and then… jokes about how Black History Month is the shortest month of the year, paying a this… whatever this is. Did you know the six weeks following full month’s worth of rent for 28 days of Christmas is when 98 percent of heroin roof? Fuck. I don’t know what to do about it. addicts try heroin for the first time? There is absolutely no evidence behind Spend time with your friends, maybe that claim, other than come on—it’s to- shoplift something stupid, hope it actally when people try heroin. What the tually snows (and actually sticks), and know that if shit really starts to get awful hell else is there to do? Eggnog lattes become ridiculous in Danny Glover is never far away. Nobody @IanKarmel January—it’s like looking over at the car actually do heroin. Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

YOUR ANONYMOUS RANTS FROM THE MERCURY ’S I, ANONYMOUS BLOG ILLUSTRATED BY KALAH ALLEN

SINS OF THE CINEMA Have you ever wondered why there are such long lines at movie theaters? Yes, part of it is due to the holidays and opening weekends, but most of it is due to unprepared, dumbass, lazy patrons. (1) Have your payment, coupons, loyalty card, etc., out while you are waiting in line. The people behind you don’t need to wait for you to take off your gloves, dig through your purse/wallet, or watch you check every pocket for your payment. (2) Know what you want to see. Don’t just say, “Two, please.” TWO FOR WHAT? (3) If you know your credit card is worn out, ORDER A NEW ONE. (4) Quit wasting everyone’s time while you look for a quarter. You don’t win a prize for having exact change. (5) If you want something other than an adult ticket, don’t wait until I have repeated your order, told you the price, and tendered the transaction to tell me you’re a student/ senior/military. 6) We seat 30 minutes before each show. The deer-in-theheadlights look when I tell you the movie is sold out never gets old. But what do I know? I’m just a minimum-wage kid.—Anonymous

UNDERWORLD // KAZ

Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com

Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com.

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The Portland Mercury, January 9, 2013 (Vol. 13, No. 34)