GOODMASTER:The Master 12-04-04 10:19 PM Page 17
Man of the Week
out?” “Don’t stress, man,” said Jesus. “We’re not here to come to blows, we just heard about you chilling here all alone, so we figured we would keep you company, you know what I’m saying?” “I don’t want your company, this is my turf, you hear that shit?” Within four seconds, Oswald had Jesus on the ground in a headlock gasping for air with his farm animal followers watching in terror. “WHAT THE HELL, MAN?” screamed Jesus. “THIS IS NOT COOL, WE COME IN PEACE.” Oswald wasn’t going to hear it. After living his entire life the way he pleased, he was definitely not about to let some stranger in a sheet and Birkenstocks coexist with him. “I…work…alone,” said the bunny, delivering a fatal twist to Jesus’ neck and killing him instantly. Each and every animal bolted towards the direction from which they came, fearing the idea of meeting a similar fate. For a couple of days, Oswald’s world reverted to the blissful, solitary, serene place that he had always known and loved –
until Sunday. It was a dark and stormy night, so the bunny was sleeping under a maple tree for shelter. One hundred yards away, the earth began to shift, and a decomposed hand poked out from six feet under. Zombie resurrection Jesus, who was now soaked in rainwater, crept up behind sleeping Oswald and smashed his head in with the shovel he had acquired in the afterlife. For no apparent reason, right before committing the act, Jesus yelled “EASTER!!!” And then there was silence. Nowadays, Oswald is remembered as a martyr, a symbol of self-empowerment and the poster child for standing up for what is rightfully yours. The holiday that we call Easter is a celebration of the bunny’s life, and he is therefore the holiday’s official mascot. Each year, Oswald’s ghost comes back to thank each family for remembering him by giving them chocolate in egg form, because that was the only thing that was available at the depanneur one year, and he was in a rush, and it kind of just caught on. The end.
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MAIKA DUPERVAL STAFF WRITER
VOL. 40 ISSUE 21 - Thursday, April 21, 2012
group of unfamiliar beings spearheaded by one prominent leader that seemed to be running on just two legs – what kind of sorcery was this? The man spearheading the rampage was wearing what looked like a white bed sheet wrapped around his torso like a toga, accumulating grass stains as he ground the robe into the earth with his wooden sandals. His brown hair blew majestically in the wind, held down by a crown of thorns. Retellings of this historical event identify the toga-toting figure as a man named Jesus. Behind him raged forth a diverse group of farm animals that served as his army. Oswald watched the stampede charge towards him in absolute terror, cringing as the mass of animals and Jesus screeched to a halt just a few feet away from where he was standing. Anger instantly overcame the bunny, who was terribly upset that there was now other life on earth that happened to simultaneously be trespassing on his territory. “What the fuck is going on here?” asked Oswald, going nose-to-nose with Jesus. “Do you want to fucking fight this shit
and in the front of the classroom while you’re watching a movie, showing off their PDA and making you feel lonelier than ever, than I don’t know what to tell you because I have my own anger issues to deal with. However, a friend of mine once told me, good things come to those who wait. It’s nothing you want to hear, I know because I hate hearing it but, I’ve been told it works. Confidence does play a huge role in staying in the friend zone. I mean it’s great to be the handsome guy who just wants his “friend zoning girl that’s a friend” to be happy and don’t want to push her too far, but have some confidence in yourself, not too much that you’re a jackass, but enough to let her know that you will ALWAYS be there for her…or until the relationship fails. Your call. I mean, from personal experience and being alone with my thoughts way too damn much, I’ve noticed that patience, initiative, and confidence is the key to being in a happy relationship and hopefully getting out of the friend zone. And if you can’t get out of the friend zone or you are too shy to take initiative and then move on to someone who cares or as I seem to be saying, grow a pair. You can’t hurry love, so don’t try. Being in the friend zone is MUCH better than just sitting in a corner and waiting for something to happen with a complete stranger, and even more painful. Trust me.
EDITOR: Oliver Nacey CONTACT: olivernacey@gmail.com
In the beginning, there was a bunny. Just one solitary bunny, residing in a land that is now geographically known as the suburbs of Oklahoma. His name was Oswald, but nobody knew that because as far as he was concerned, there was no other life on earth other than him. He liked his situation, being alone and all. He lived off a modest herbivore diet of green grass, fertile soil, and daisies, allowing for him to have a speedy metabolism and washboard abdominals. Resources were abundant, and Oswald was in shape, so he was happy. One Friday afternoon, while the happy bunny was sitting amongst the breezy tall grasses simply enjoying the feeling of the wind in his fur, he heard a low rumble. At first he thought it was his stomach, given that there was no other intelligent life on the planet that he knew of, but the sound was so much more than that. Perspiring under the noontime sun, Oswald turned his gaze towards the lush horizon in an attempt to pinpoint the source of the rumbling. A dark mass materialized at what seemed like the end of the earth, a huge
The friend zone isn't always the best place to be with a person. But take it from me, it’s better I be in the friend zone than just be complete strangers…which is not even a friend zone. Being in the friend zone at least gives you a certain type of significance in that person’s life. You're not just the girl/guy who lingers on past them while you wait for THEM to notice YOU. The best part of being in the friend zone is that you're AT LEAST talking to the person and maybe...just maybe things will start to look up and who knows, you might get out of the friend zone and into an actual relationship. But a friend once told me that before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself and I know you don't want to hear this clichéd crap but, you must be patient. I mean, sure, you can go ahead and take initiative and ask a person out and have the affectionate company and experience. If you're lonely, do not be some stubborn brat who only needs company and will hump anything that'll walk and give you the time of day...like, dafuq do you think you are? Barney Stinson? I mean yes, it gets fucking annoying that you are either too shy to put yourself out there or someone is too blind to see what is in front of them but you’re just going to end up hurting yourself. And as for those couples who just stand in the middle of the escalators, hallways
voices
Name: Hadi Mourad Program/Semester: Marketing/Business Management, 2nd Semester Age: 19 Hair: Black Eyes: Brown Mood: Neutral Interested In: Beautiful people Why do you deserve to be Man of the Week? All the odds are in my favour Shampoo you use? Herbal Essences What do you want to be when you’re older? Adriana Limas husband Planet you’d be and why? Sun, because I can burn everyone from a distance (i know it’s a star but whatever) Who would you sleep with? Adriana Lima If you had to pick Another name for yourself ? Adonis Pokemon you’d be? Squirtle Inspiring Words: What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Worst Class? Accounting Jersey Shore character you are like? Vinny/Ronnie Who do you hate? Mac Miller Hunger Games? It’s a great movie Favorite song at the moment? Every teardrop is a waterfall- Coldplay One food for the rest of your life? Watermelon Opinion on life? You control your destiny Favorite Youtube star? Jenna Marbles High or Drunk? Drunk What do you think of The Plant? I think it’s a really cool school newspaper
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The Friend Zone