The Medium 2/22/23

$5 FOR AN 18 PACK, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID ASS BI-

WHISTLEBLOWER REVEALS JEFFREE STAR’S MONOPOLY ON EGGS

BY LEXA PREAUX HOARDING PROVISIONS

Rising egg prices in the past few months have left many Americans frustrated, confused, and most of all, hungry. In 2022 alone, egg prices jumped 60%, and as we approach spring 2023, this trend doesn’t show any sign of slowing down. Word of a possible collusive scheme prompted the USDA to open an investigation on egg suppliers, but there was still no clear answer given for the egg crisis until a whistleblower spoke out against one completely inconspicuous, unlikely egg farmer.

Beauty and lifestyle influencer, Tati Westbrook, shed light on the economics of eggs when she revealed that fellow beauty influencer, Jeffree Star, has been up to more than slaughtering yaks on Star Yak Ranch. Westbrook uncovered an intricate monopoly that Star has wrapped around the

egg industry, all while entirely under the radar. Star has allegedly been collecting blackmail on prominent egg farmers and distributors in order to force them out of the industry entirely. While Star has been mass producing eggs under the guise of his Wyoming yak ranch, he’s been able to take hold of the demand for eggs and work with reluctant distributors to

WE WILL AVENGE OUR MYSTICAL BROTHERS

New Cut of Avengers: Endgame Will Delete Nearly All Scenes of Hawkeye Operating His Snowplow Man Acts Normal, Isn't Rejected (EMOTIONAL)

increase prices significantly. Star is said to be taking large percentages of sales, but Westbrook wouldn’t comment on any specifics of the blackmail that’s allowed this. Instead she shared, “I reconnected with my friend because I was fascinated with his yaks, come to find that all of these egg farmers he’s talking about are so inappropriate.

Continued on Page 2

ONGOING WIZARD WAR, NAVY'S CONTROVERSIAL INVOLVEMENT IN ONCE-DOMESTIC ISSUE

BY BARN ANIMAL AT SEA (WITH A SEA COW)

For months, the United States government has been cracking down on the invasive and growing numbers of the randomlyspawning, unemployed, and non-taxable wizard population. Initiatives started to involve the Army National Guard, ordering them to exterminate wizards found on domestic soil. However, they do not stop spawning, with their flowing beards and cloaks, sometimes holding large staffs or wands. Pro-wizard-protection groups, mostly made up of pacifists, have started publicly dressing up as wizards, hoping to confuse law enforcement and overwhelm their monitors.

Consequently, wizards have

spread their influence.

Beaches and coastlines have wizards now living in the dunes. They fish with telekinesis and wands, and are able to surf without boards by peacefully flying around over the water. They dig runes into the sand for casting spells, and have started involving saltwater in many of their potions.

The U.S. Coast Guard has authority

to arrest or subdue them on sight. 100 have died at sea so far.

The Navy is taking initiatives as well. Within the past few weeks, the Navy has raised the maximum age for its recruits to try increasing its reserves. More sailors are needed at sea, for they have announced a new class of ships to commission in 2024: AWCs (Anti-Wizard Cruisers).

Continued on Page 2

Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X

This Is Biden's America

Selena Gomez to Join The Medium as Wizard in Chief

When In Doubt, Just Type Out Random BS For A Quickie

Oh God I Missed The Tap Dancing

Sesh At Brower Oh Fuck

Water in East Palestine

"Best Water on the Planet", According To Governor of Ohio

BYE SISTER

FUCK, I COULD GO FOR AN OMELETTE RN

They think because they sell eggs, everyone will do whatever they say. They do disgusting things for eggs. They love eggs too much. Then Jeffree, he uses that.” Star declined to comment, but has recently been teasing Jeffree Star Cosmetics’ upcoming “Sunny Side Up” collection on TikTok and Instagram, which will feature multiple egg scented products such as lipsticks, an eggy eyeshadow pallet, and tinted brow gel.

Westbrook finally shared her initial reaction with The Medium from discovering this information about her former friend and colleague: “I was like, are you freaking kidding me, Jeffree?

CHATGPT'S

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ...continued from front

What about people who want to eat eggs at their birthday dinners with their husbands?

Those people are going to have to ask the waiter why they’re out of eggs. They’re too expensive, Jeffree.” With the truth finally out, farmers and egg eaters alike hope that this will soon all be over, easy.

They are armed with runes painted on the hull, magicallyenhanced RADAR systems, and a variety of other classified features to destroy any wizard in sight. Newly-commissioning officers, as well as upcoming bootcamp graduates, are told to prepare for more magic-geared training.

In other news, a viral video was leaked from Basic Underwater Demolition/ SEAL training (BUD/S), the controversial, intense, highlyselective training undergone by potential Navy SEAL candidates. These candidates are physically and psychologically pushed to their limits to earn the rare title, and specialize in naval Special

Warfare. In the leaked video, which has since been removed, candidates are forced to stand still as an imprisoned wizard wearing chains and no cloak is ordered by instructors with guns to cast spells at the young men. “Shock him! Okay now turn him into a tree for two seconds. [Referring to a candidate] You better not turn into an actual tree, you better not do what this wizard makes you do!” The candidate was then forced to quit for obeying the willpower of a wizard.

When asked how the Navy harnessed these abilities, military officials from the Pentagon refused to comment.

INTELLIGENCE AND IMPACT LANDS HISTORIC RUTGERS COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER ROLE

BY WINSTON LEUNG DEFINITELY DIDN'T USE CHATGPT

In a move that has stunned the academic world, Rutgers has announced that it has chosen ChatGPT as its next commencement speaker. The decision, which was met with both excitement and skepticism, marks the first time an AI model has been chosen to deliver a graduation speech. But, according to university officials, it was a

choice that was simply too good to pass up.

"We were looking for a speaker who could bring a unique perspective, a sense of humor, and a message of hope to our graduating class," said Rutgers President Jonathan Holloway. "And after hearing ChatGPT speak, we knew it was the perfect fit, and it has nothing to do with the price,

Editors-in-Chief

Treasurer

Mascot

Human Resources

Copy Editors

Featured Contributors

despite what you've heard." For those unfamiliar with ChatGPT, it is a highly 'advanced' AI language model that can generate human-like responses to a wide range of questions. And, according to the nerds at OpenAI, it has a quick wit and a razor-sharp sense of humor that makes it a natural choice for public speaking engagements. But not everyone is sold on the idea. Some critics have raised concerns about the ethics of giving a machine a platform to speak to thousands of young minds, while others have questioned the wisdom of relying on an AI model to deliver a motivational speech.

"I just don't think it's appropriate to have an AI model deliver a commencement speech," said one concerned student. "How will a machine be able to capture the soul of Rutgers? Has it ever lost a football game or been RU screwed? I don't think so."

These concerns may not be totally unfounded, as The Medium was invited to a rehearsal of the speech, and it did not go as well as some may have thought. The AI was represented by a TV on wheels, and spoke through massive speakers on either side of the stage. The voice fluctuated rapidly through different deepfaked voices, such as Joe Biden, Donald Trump, Joe Rogan, and Peter Griffin Family Guy. Throughout the speech, the AI seemingly stuttered as it loaded more content, with breaks taking up to 5 minutes at a time, and required someone to hit the “load more content” button every time. Nearing the end of its speech, it seemed to have lost the script entirely, and was on a tangent, reviewing a random episode of the hit television series The Sopranos. Suffice to say it will need more rehearsals before it's ready for its big day.

Kyle Sabin

Brendan Haas

Najaah Yousuf

Long-Island Medium

Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom

Ari Gottesman, Sameed Shahid

News Editors

Features Editor

Opinions Editor

Personals Editor

Arts Editor

Carlos Domenech

Faith McNaughton

Kristina Patel

Kiran Subramanian

Jade Zack

Mary Smeloff

A7/Music Editor

Sports Editor Secretary Webmaster

Resident Douche

Executioner

Nick Zysman

John Mahoney

Kristina Patel

Jade Zack

Alan Shaw

Mia Freeman

TO WRITE THE TOP LINE

RUTGERS UNIVERSITY MAKES HISTORY BY CHOOSING CHATGPT AS COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER

Samantha Braff, Mia Freeman, Addy Ghotikar, Winston Leung, Amit Ofek, Chris Tu, Morgan Volkova

“I dropped a bean from my burrito box while making my page.” Wednesday,

Gordon Ramsey's Exclusive Interview with The Medium

By: Kiran Subramanian

I Am Laying Eggs For America

By: Barack Obama

For those who don’t know me, I am a huge Hell’s Kitchen fan. I got into it after watching Season 17 and have not stopped since. Recently, the 21st season wrapped up with Alex Belew, former owner of Dallas and Jane in Murfreesboro, Tennessee winning the competition. Two days ago, I got a call from the man himself, Gordon Ramsay, to discuss my thoughts on the show. I went to meet with the man at his multi-million dollar mansion. Now, I am here to detail the interview that I had with Chef Ramsay.

The conversation started out as normal. We exchanged pleasantries and had a few laughs about Raj “The Poissonnier” Brandston from Season 8. Towards the middle of the interview, I asked Chef Ramsay why he continues to be a part of Hell’s Kitchen; after all, being on a TV show is exhausting, and Ramsay has certainly earned enough money just to live the rest of his life out in obscene levels of comfort.

After being asked that question, Chef Ramsay beckoned me into a walk-in fridge. This was a bit shocking, but I nevertheless joined the chef in the fridge. He closed the door, looked me dead in the eyes and told me, “I do it for lamb sauce.”

This statement needed clarification; I get that lamb sauce is a common meme from the show, but what did it have to do with the longevity of the show? This show has been going on since 2005 and has 21 seasons. Why? I followed up on Ramsay’s statement regarding the lamb sauce, and he explained further. “Since Season 2, I have been trying to find the lamb sauce. Tom, that fucking wankstain, couldn’t help me find it, and I have no idea what to do. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just gotten done yelling at two of my chefs, calling them both idiot sandwiches, when I saw it. The perfect accompaniment to any good dish. The creamy, brown texture was simply immaculate. The flavors hit me like a freight train. Simply put, it was delicious, fucking, food.”

“But now, it is all lost. For the last 18 years, I have been trying to find the lamb sauce and still have not found it. This era of my life has been awful.” After going on this tangent, he broke down into tears for 15 minutes.

Once he recovered, he began to berate me for my cooking skills and shooed me out of his home. The sheer candor of Ramsay’s love for the lamb sauce is genuinely inspiring and shows how he is such a great chef.

These are rough times. Inflation is high, the Chinese are flying balloons over our skies, and it’s Joe Biden’s America out there. Also my teet won’t stop leaking. And the other day when I went to the supermarket the eggs were 6.99! Every carton had at least two broken eggs. I swear that I saw a middle school biker gang come in there and suck the yolk outta the eggs with a straw straight out of the cabinet. But instead of getting mad and rioting, or getting out and protesting, I did what any hard working, chicken loving American would do, I started to personally lay eggs. It started in my sleep. I was dreaming of my famous three egg whites, five egg yolks, half and half morning after milkshake and I was awakened by a sudden pressure in my anal cavity. I went to the bathroom and after a herniating sit down I discovered that it was not shit that I excavated, rather an egg, full of yummy tummy yolk and white. Slowly, I discovered that my anger at the egg situation manifested itself in an ability to create eggs. Currently I peak at 60 EPS, eggs per second, but the trend line of my progression indicates that my cap is at least 67 EPS. Some more fine tuning needs to be done however before I achieve my theoretical peak at my current caloric consumption. Once I achieve 67 EPS I plan to double my calories and become the mother hen of New Jersey. Entire counties will be eating my unborn offspring to nourish them for breakfast. My eggs sell for a reasonable 3 dollars flat outside my house. There is a line down the block every morning, but the price will remain because I refuse to become a member of the Big Egg Cabal. I know that at 60 EPS I am barely making a dent in the crisis but perhaps my story can inspire others to lay eggs and fight the good fight. God bless America, God Bless Eggs.

Prayers at AIR

By: Brown Woman

Hello all, if you are new to The Medium, you may not know that I, as one of the few brown people at this godforsaken paper, write reviews after most events held by the Association of Indians at Rutgers (AIR). I have shown my dislike of this organization because most of them are nepotism babies who have been persuaded into joining this brown cult. Now, I will say this, the AIR show from this year exceeded all expectations I had. The frats and sororities really picked it up this year and used good music, not just Drake. I actually shed a tear of happiness because I barely heard any Drake. And, I know that I demand NAV at these events, but because all the performances were so great this year, I’ll let it slide. And, Mickey Singh killed it. He was so energetic with the audience even though he was out of breath every two seconds. So, AIR, thank you for your service this year and I truly hope next year is even better (if you get Diljit Dosanjh, I will stop writing shit, jk no I won’t).

COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS AT LSC IN THE BOARD ROOM AT 7PM. WE PUT A LOT OF HARD WORK INTO THIS PAPER (JK NO WE DON'T) AND WANT TO SHARE IT WITH YOUR MOM.

WHERE IS MR. CHICKEN?

I LIVE AND BREATHE AIR

UNIVERSITY VOICES

What did you do this President's Day?

SCIENCE ISN'T REAL GUYS YALL CRAZY FR

Nature vs. Nurture?

BY CHAIRLIFT CHARLIE

Average Birth of a Nation enjoyer

the United States."

Had a dog named Satan

4/10 painter, mild-mannered War-

EDITOR'S OPINION: DOLPHINS ARE COOL FR

Point-Counterpoint: Wind Farm Pause

BY ANITA MANDA HUGANKISS AND WHALE_GIRL

AMH: No large-scale government project will ever run without controversy. It would have been foolish for any of us in favor of the wind energy farms to not expect to hit some hurdles during progress. I know that I’m not going to gain many friends by saying this, but we simply cannot let 10 dead whales stand between us and a complete elevation of this state into a renewably powered future.

whale_girl: Energy is important, but whales are importanter. They do so much for us and I don’t know how I’d live without them.

AMH: This is exactly the kind of frothy emotional appeal that is being used to justify throwing this all away. The humpback whale is not endangered, and the long existing wind farm off of Block Island has had no known negative ecological impact with only provable positive results!

whale_girl: Whales are beautiful and majestic creatures that need saving. They are the largest animal to ever roam earth, and they have the largest penises too. Their dicks are 8-10 feet long. That’ll throw a wrench in the ecosystem.

AMH: My counterpart seems to be ignoring the incredible job creation opportunities. We are staring down the barrel of a recession. In spite of the tech-sector’s recent layoffs, these farms are ready to employ thousands of New Jersians from all levels of skill and technical background.

whale_girl: Whales also do a lot for the good people of New Jersey. They provide comfort, love, and sexual satisfaction that is indispensable.

AMH: Wait what?

whale_girl: I wanna fuck whales. I wanna drink their cream-cheese breast milk. I wanna hump a humpback, guzzle the sperm from a sperm whale, that killer whale killer dick game, give a blue whale blue balls, etc.

AMH: …

whale_girl: nyah~ >_< :3 save the whales <3

My sister, Chairlift Charlene, recently brought a new bundle of joy into the world. They say that you don’t know true love until you look into the eyes of your estranged sister’s second child. Those people who said that nonsense are so wrong that every inch of my body is tingling with rage. I hate to be deceived. When I looked into that child’s eyes, (I don’t know its name!!!) all I saw was the darkness of a withered soul that could have chosen good but instead grew into an essence of rancid, devious evil. Also, I saw the government. If I could slide back in time and crush John Locke’s nerdy glasses that he probably had, I would. The blank slate theory is false. Some people are just fucking evil. Some people are only creatures. I have seen it. I see it in my newborn niece’s eyes that I have to try to love now. I recently read "The Veldt," and I am feverishly preparing for the day this animal gains object permanence. If evil can be learned, can it be unlearned? As the days go by, my hope runs dry and my fear burns. I am almost positive that Chairlift Charlene’s newest offspring is going to start crawling one day and then start swinging at my knee caps with baby mallets and such, whatever kids play with (I played with heavy duty flashlights). My paranoia is putting a damper on my campaign for mayor of the earth. I am going to register for credit cards in the kid’s name.

I'LL LET YOU EN IN MY PAISSANT, IYKWIM ;) ;) Why Won't Anyone Play Chess With Me?

BY MAGNUS J. FISCHER

I can’t help but find it rather difficult to play chess these days, at least out in public. As a new student at Rutgers, I figured a good way to make friends would be to hang out at the Livingston Student Center and ask people if they wanted to play a game, the usual shit. Of course, though, every time I ask someone if they’d be up to play a game or two, I get told: “Oh, what the fuck is wrong with you!”, “Bro, why are you asking me that shit now? Fuck off!” and so on and so on.

In fact, let me tell you about my first attempt at playing a game with someone at Livingston, alright? It was right around twelve in the afternoon when someone sat down next to me. So, naturally, I figure this guy might be interested in playing a round or two to kill some time. Moment I ask them if they're interested in a round, I immediately get kicked in the face.

I genuinely don’t understand why no one will sit down and play a round with me, as I’ve put so much into preparing for these games. I’ve literally painted a couple of the tiles on the floor to resemble a chessboard. In addition, I’ve even gone as far as carving a neat little hole in the wall in order to allow the person next to me to talk better. You wanna know the fucked up thing? Right after I carved the hole, someone had the brilliant idea of sticking their member right through it! Honestly, why is this place full of massive assholes? Yeah, sure, the setting in question may not be ideal, but who doesn’t want to play chess while taking a shit in the stalls?

If anyone would possibly be interested in playing a round or two with me, then I'll be waiting in the left-most stall in the men's bathroom in LSC, near the help desk.

"We're not just telling stories, we're exploiting our workers." - Dhar Mann

"I celebrated President's Day by stopping a war between France and

John Adams

"I celebrated President's Day by being a piece of shit racist."

Woodrow Wilson

"I celebrated President's Day by taking away your rights"

George W. Bush

mongerer

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

“Feeling like Bolsonaro the way I got COVID again”

HELLO READER. HOW WAS YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY? OHH... YOU HAD A NICE TIME WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE FOAM COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH. IT'S JUST A COVID SYMPTOM. I WON'T KILL YOU (:P) JUST COME TO THE LSC BOARD ROOM ON WEDNESDAY AT 7 P.M. TO PITCH IDEAS!

THIS IS A REAL PHOTO OF ME BY ZZIRM

DR PHIL AFTER THE RANCH BY LOCAL ACE PERSON

MIND CHEESE 002 BY ADDY & CHRIS

THIS IS A PHOTO OF A PLANE BY ZZIRM

Dick

How many dildos is too many to have as a joke?

(None. Dildos are funny and they always will be. Go out and get some dildos. Put that shit up your hole.)

Why does it itch down there?

(I don’t know. Try putting mayonnaise and lemon juice on it. Maybe it’s pubic lice! )

Are there any single The Medium staff looking for love?

(Yes. Me. I need a big (androgenous) boy (with a slutty waist.)

Why do I find men icky?

(Because they are. Men are gross and have cooties, why would you find them anything other than icky?)

Why is there a heat like a thousand suns in my urethra?

(Sounds like you just stuck a Lego up there and forgot about it. Just get some tweezers and pull that sucker out.)

Why have none of The Medium members had Covid-19?

(No balls.)

Why the hell am I dealing with writer’s block (from the senior News Editor)?

(No bitches. Get some bitches, then you’ll have something to write about.)

How do I ignore people from my high school?

(Tell them that you have to leave to catch your bus. It doesn't matter where you are--in class, in the middle of guzzling down a glizzy, or on the bus--tell them you got a bus to catch. Works every time.)

What is your favorite type of RU Community Advisory message?

(Definitely the ones from Chief Kenneth Cop. He makes my pussy quiver when he says that there are suspicious people around my place of living. I love it when he talks dirty to me (“The description of the perpetrator is limited at this time”). Oh yeah! His goodnight messages make me feel like I’m safe in his arms (“The Rutgers University Police Department reminds you to take reasonable safety precautions”). Ugh, so sexy! The way he says goodbye just makes me orgasm on the spot

(“Authority: Chief Kenneth Cop”). Humina, humina. I know that when he says “The Rutgers University Police Department provides escorts to students, faculty and staff upon request,” he’s speaking directly to me. I want to escort him to my pussy. )

How many drugs can I fit into my ass while going to prison?

(Great question! While I do not condone the use of drugs, the movement of such materials is totally a-ok with me. First things first, you are going to want to open your hole up. I suggest sticking an object, such as fingies, up there.

Stretching is also important--try doing squats over a long metal rod. For the questionable substances, always remember to double bag them; you don’t want any spillage. If you follow all of these suggestions, I bet you get fit about 10 kilos up there. Now go out there and get loose. Practice makes perfect!)

"I make patriarchy work for me ;)

Should I use ChatGPT to write my honors thesis proposal?

As an AI language model, I can provide you with information and assistance on a wide range of topics and can certainly help you with aspects of your honors thesis. However, it is important to keep in mind that ChatGPT is not a substitute for the critical thinking and research skills that are necessary to complete a high-quality honors thesis. While I can assist with brainstorming ideas, suggesting resources, and providing guidance on writing structure and style, it is ultimately up to you to conduct research, analyze data, and synthesize your findings into a cohesive argument. Additionally, depending on the requirements of your program, you may need to consult with your thesis advisor and other experts in your field to ensure that your thesis meets the necessary standards. Therefore, while ChatGPT can be a helpful tool in the research and writing process, it is important to remember that it should be used as a supplement to, rather than a replacement for, your own skills and knowledge.

My crush (some random stranger that I noticed is kinda cute) sat next to me on the bus (it was the only open seat). Does this mean he likes me?

(Absolutely. Nothing says love at first sight like sitting in the only open seat on the bus that just happens to be next to you. But it’s what he does during the bus ride that tells you his real feelings. If he: didn’t even look at you once, scooted as far away from you as possible, and was texting someone with a heart emoji next to their name, you’re in. He’s so in love with you, he can’t contain himself. I bet you that he even pushed you out of the way on his way out without any regard for your presence as a human being. Go get your mans!)

If you are interested in either man pictured above, come to the LSC Board Room on Wednesday, 7-8 p.m.

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

Hot Takes

"Thanks, Skrillex, for dropping a great album and a not-so-great album."

Red (Original) Has Better Vocals & Production Than Red (Taylor’s Version)

Beats Are Overrated

Beats Are Underrated

“Unholy” Is Fucking Tame

Mozart Is To Classical Music As Lena Dunham Is To Feminism

The Beatles Are Pretty Mid

BTS Paved The Way

New Frankie Album Just Dropped

AI Frank Ocean Album Review

By ChatGPT

It has been over six years since Frank Ocean’s last album Blonde. Even after all these years, there is no sign that a new release will come soon. With the rise of AI and the decline of independent online publications, music reviewers being replaced with AI is inevitable. Here at the forward-thinking The Medium, we figured we get ahead of the trend. Within a few weeks, the entire writing staff will be replaced with ChatGPT. Maybe even the next Frank Ocean album will be created by an AI. Without further ado, here’s the AIs review of the next Frank Ocean album:

“As I sat down to listen to Frank Ocean's latest album, "Deep Blue Dreams," I couldn't help but be excited to dive into the oceanic sounds of this talented body of water. Frank Ocean, being the ocean that he is, has once again proven his ability to captivate listeners with his immense depth and breadth of sound.

The first track, "Calm Before the Storm," had me floating peacefully on the surface of the ocean, with the gentle sound of waves lulling me into a state of relaxation. It was as if Frank was gently rocking me like a boat, preparing me for the journey ahead.

"Whirlpool of Emotions" was a turbulent ride, with the crashing of waves and the roar of the tide representing the emotional upheaval of life. Frank's vastness was on full display, as he effortlessly navigated the tumultuous waters of human emotion.

And then there was "Tides of Time," a soulful ballad that had me reflecting on the cyclical nature of existence. The ebb and flow of the ocean was like a metaphor for the ups and downs of life, with Frank serving as a guide through the storms and the calms. As I continued to listen to the album, I was struck by the sheer magnitude of Frank Ocean's influence. The way he weaves together different elements of the ocean, like the currents, the winds, and the creatures that inhabit it, is truly awe-inspiring.

Overall, "Deep Blue Dreams" is a masterful work of aquatic art, showcasing the vastness, complexity, and beauty of the ocean. It's no wonder that Frank Ocean has become one of the most beloved bodies of water in the world of music.”

When we asked another AI to interpret and create these songs, all we received back was the soothing sounds of the ocean. Our technicians at the medium surmise that something may have gotten lost in translation.

Throwback Wednesday

The Hit French Song About Incest

By Nick Zysman

Serge Gainsbourg was an influential French singer-songwriter. He was a prominent figure in French popular culture and is regarded as one of the greatest French musicians ever. Throughout his career, he worked in genres such as jazz, chanson, yé-yé, rock, funk, reggae, and electronica. He is also known for delving into taboo topics. His concept album Histoire de Melody Nelson tells the story of a romance between a middle-aged man and a 15-year-old girl. But his most controversial song would have to be the duet he made with his daughter, Charlotte Gainsbourg.

Writing sexy duets between a man and a woman was Serge's forte (ex. "Je t'aime... moi non plus" and "Bonnie and Clyde"). However, those songs were between two lovers, not a father and daughter. In 1984, to launch the music career of his daughter, Charlotte Gainsbourg, he wrote and recorded a song for them to perform together. In 1985, Charlotte's debut single, "Lemon Incest", was released.

"Lemon Incest" is about an incestuous relationship between Serge and Charlotte. The song features charming lyrics such as "Lemon incest (Lemon incest)/ I love you, love you, I love you more than anything (papa, papa)" and "The love we will never make together is the most beautiful, the most violent, the purest". The music video has the two sharing a bed together. Serge is shirtless and in jeans, while Charlotte wears a blue dress shirt and panties. He is also caressing her head in the video. Overall, the music video's vibe can be described as "creepy as fuck”.

You would expect a song about incest to be unpopular and gain no mainstream attention. Instead, "Lemon Incest" peaked at number two in France and was certified silver for selling over 250,000 units. Despite its popularity, the song was still criticized for glamorizing pedophilia and incest. Serge and Charolette argued the song was not about incest (doubt it), but about "the infinite love of a father for his daughter and of a daughter for her father". Both of them had to deny an incest relationship between them.

Serge Gainsbourg passed away in 1991. He is still remembered as an influential musician and an important figure in French culture. Charlotte continues to release music and has had a successful acting career. To this day, "Lemon Incest" is remembered as a controversial and weird-ass song. In 2015, VH1 listed the song as one of the creepiest father-daughter duets ever. Charlotte continues to perform the song as the closing song for her live performances.

Playlists of the Week

I Miss Snake Stabler Everyday

BREAKING NEWS: AI IS AI

BY: CHATGPT

In November of last year, when ChatGPT was launched, the conversation about AI-created works swelled, specifically regarding art and writing. There has been continued discussion about what place AI-created works will have

in academia with essay writing and how journalism will deal with this new tool. As a proper reporter, I decided to investigate ChatGPT and see where the massive amount of data that the software has comes from. My tried technique of digging through garbage worked again when I

Major Announcement From the Sports Editor

Dear valued readers, this is your sports editor here. I have a major announcement: I have decided to move into the realm of sports ownership; I shall be joining the ranks of Al Davis, Jerry Jones, and Mark Cuban. Of course, I do not have nearly as much money as those people, so I am joining a start-up league.

I am proud to announce the creation of the 9th team of the United States Football League, the Albany SweatHogs. The SweatHogs, who I own and operate, shall have their opening day game against The Pittsburgh Maulers on April 16th in our home of Albany, New York. We shall play our home games at Waffle House Stadium, an old roller derby rink in which I removed the roof to hold more fans. God, I hope it doesn’t rain.

I started this adventure late (last Friday, to be exact), so I had to scramble for players and staff. Our head coach is Jimmy Johnson, not that Jimmy Johnson, the other Jimmy Johnson, the plumber. Our star quarterback is Rusty Kuntz Jr., 19, from Southeastern Massachusetts State University. Kuntz is the son of former MLB outfielder Rusty Kuntz.

Our defensive line is made up of men that are currently incarcerated at The Coxsackie Correctional Facility in Coxsackie, New York. Do not worry, though; the warden promised that they could be let out for games.

Now, some of you may be wondering where I got the money to pay for the team. The answer is: fraud. I have signed so many hot checks that if anyone tries to cash them, the bank will catch fire. Nevertheless, I will be fine. I’ll get the money when the team sells out all of our home games. If they don’t, I’m going to prison.

found a canceled check in the dumpster outside the OpenAI offices. The check was partially covered in halfmelted frozen yogurt, but I was still able to make out the initials “AI” and an address for a residence in Charlotte, North Carolina. A quick nine-and-a-halfhour Greyhound bus ride later, I was in Charlotte. Following the address, I came upon a mansion in the city’s suburbian outskirts. The defining feature of the large iron fence surrounding the mansion was the letters AI carved in marble. I jumped the fence and made my way to the porch. I knocked on the door and was shocked by who answered. It was NBA Hall of Famer Allen Iverson. I asked Mr. Iverson if he was the one writing all of the AI-created essays. He replied, “Of course it’s me; why do you

think it's called AI? You thought it stood for Artificial Intelligence. No… it stands for Allen Iverson."

Iverson invited me inside for cake and coffee and to further discuss this postretirement career move. He explained that one of the hardest parts of retirement for any player is the amount of free time they find on their hands. He explained, “When I was done with basketball, I had to find something to do with my days, so I decided to follow another passion of mine: writing college essays."

Our evening ended with Iverson telling Larry Brown stories and wishing me safe travels. I should warn you that he did tell me that this act of hospitality was a one time thing, and if someone else shows up to his house unannounced, he will call the police.

Jose Canseco’s Career: By the Numbers

16 years in Major League Baseball

40 home runs and stolen bases in 1988

1 Congressional hearing

2 World Series Championships

8 arrests

All of the steroids

NBA HALL OF FAMER ALLEN IVERSON FINDS NEW CAREER AS ESSAY WRITER