I❤ TV
TV
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by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
The Hobbit—According to Me
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HERE’S NOTHING GOOD on TV this week—other than the usual awesome stuff! So that’s why I’m going to spend this column recounting the story of The Hobbit—a book I’ve never read and know nothing about. EveryJEREMY EATON body’s super excited about the upcoming Hobbit Gobbler visits the “Shire” yelling, “All right, movie… especially the Denny’s chain of restau- who wants some oral sexing??” Suddenly, rants, who inexplicably created an entire Hobhis magic ring falls off! And the evil Skeletor bit menu. I ate there the other day, and—well, swoops down on his flying dinosaur and steals shit yeah, I’m gonna eat off the Hobbit menu!! the ring! Gandalf Gobbler TOTALLY FREAKS Even though I haven’t read the book, I figOUT, and sends a couple of hobbits ured I’d just read the menu and learn The named Bilbo Berry Smoothie and everything I needed to know. (The Frodo Pot Roast Skillet (thanks Hobbit— “Gandalf Gobbler” was delicious, again, Denny’s) on a quest to reas told by BTW—even if it was a sandwich trieve it. During their journey instead of a wizard with an enthu- someone who’s they meet Radagast’s Red Velvet siastic appreciation for oral sex.) Pancake Puppies (didn’t eat that, never read Anyway, now that I’ve edubut sounds delicious) as well as a the book. cated myself, here’s my plot synopbeautiful princess (She-Ra, Princess sis of the book, based on everything I of Power), a brave knight (Zamfir, maslearned from the Denny’s menu. Enjoy! ter of the pan flute) and a grotesque little green The Hobbit by R.R. Trollken (based on creature that calls the ring “precious” (Yoda). the animated cartoon He-Man and the Masters Danger is around every corner! In one adof the Universe). venture they meet a forest of apple-throwing Long, long ago, before electricity and the trees, and an army of flying monkeys! (Wait… internet, there were short, stubby people who that’s Wizard of Oz.) Then they fight governlived in a place called “Middle-earth.” Okay, I ment agents who are trying to kidnap their need to stop and call “bullshit” on this. How alien friend, so they escape on bicycl… no, can it be in the middle of the earth, and you that’s E.T. Anyway! They eventually reach can still see the sun shining? God, this book Skeletor’s mountain, where the evil villain is so stupid already! cackles wildly and taunts them with the Anyway, these short people were called ring—but decides that Denny’s Ring Burger “midgets”—but they considered the name of(three onion rings topping a pepper jack bafensive, so it was changed to “hobbits.” Terri- con burger) sounds freaking delicious, so they ble with their hands, the hobbits were forced all go there instead. Gandalf Gobbler gets his to live in “hobbit holes” (according to the ring back, and treats everybody to the item Denny’s menu) deep underground. (Under- of their choosing on the Denny’s menu while ground? What do they call that then? “Mid- administering enthusiastic oral sex beneath dle-middle-earth”? Sheesh.) These hobbits the table. were also extremely hairy—so much so that The end. (Sorry if I spoiled it for you.) they would actually eat the hair off their feet for sustenance. (Denny’s wasn’t invented yet.) Gobble me up on Twitter! So one day, a sexy wizard named Gandalf @WmSteveHumphrey
This Week on Television WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28
8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS Charlie learns the true meaning of Christmas after being crucified for buying a crappy tree. 10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY Sister Mary Eunice senses an evil presence… ummm… more evil than her? SHE’S SATAN!!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29
8:00 NBC 30 ROCK Liz and Criss decide to go into full-humping babymaking mode. 9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION Tom gets help from the office to set up his “Rent-aSwag” business—even though they are the least swaggy people in the world.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30
9:00 TRU KILLER KARAOKE Contestants try to sing songs while sticking their hands into live rattlesnake cages. This is a good idea for a show. 10:00 E! FASHION POLICE It’s the 100th episode of this delightfully bitchy fashion critique show hosted by Joan Rivers!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1
8:00 NBC IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie (1946) Or it would be, if actual life ended like it does in this totally unrealistic movie. BOOO!!! I HATE EVERYTHING!!!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD An accident puts Blondie McGunnerson in charge of Woodbury. Seriously? They couldn’t find anyone else? 9:00 HBO BOARDWALK EMPIRE Season finale! Nucky has a plan to reclaim power in Atlantic City—and yup, blood will be spilled.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 3
9:00 A&E HOARDERS Tonight, a woman who keeps dead cats in her fridge. There is nothing weird about that at all.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER A glowing-nosed mutant reindeer forms a super team (including a gay dentist). 9:00 ABC HAPPY ENDINGS Penny’s romantic date is stymied when she has to wear a rubber concussion helmet. Mmmm… sexy.
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