The BEAT
One day, somewhere far away… Dear Diary, Today I feel that I need to vent more than ever! There is something that is stifling me and I don’t have anybody else to talk to besides you. In my opinion, life is not fair. Life is not fair for those who don’t do anything wrong, those who don’t lie, don’t kill, don’t steal… Life is not fair for those who just want to be happy… Why does it have to be like this? Does God really exist? I’m a teenager and teenagers make mistakes, cry, try new things, challenge parents and teachers, disobey and break rules, dream and try to achieve the impossible. It’s all part of the adolescence itself. Everyone knows that adolescence is the most difficult period of life, since it is a transitional stage between childhood and adulthood. For most adults, I’m just learning at school and I’m nothing but a child… I’m on the 10th grade, it’s true… And I have only five feet tall! But I'm sure that I’m much more mature than any other girl that I know. As you know, my grandpa passed away in 2006 and I felt lost in the world, although I had many friends and family for supporting me.
I isolated myself and I have wished so much to
pass away with him! Live a depression is harder than anyone can
imagine.
Only
those
who
have
lived
one
know
the
incredible pain that you feel. Maybe I should have cried for help… But I didn’t. And my story with eating disorders started that time. When you feel rejected and isolated from the world, you never know what to do to come back for your family and for
Escola Secundária Frei Rosa Viterbo (Agrupamento de Escolas de Sátão)
The BEAT your old group of friends. You feel like an alien in your own home and you also feel that you don’t belong to your house, school, town… And after that you stand in front of the mirror, staring into your face and you can’t find any expression in it. You can only see an opaque and dull look; a linear mouth almost colorless; nonexistent cheeks; and contracted jaws due the immense pain that goes inside your head and your heart. When that happens, you find out that you do not even recognize yourself, because the depression took so long destroying you that you spent weeks without looking in the mirror. I quit when I realized that I had no forces to continue. I gave up eating, studying, listening, seeing, dreaming, talking and feeling. I lost ten kilos and I lost my self-esteem. Since then I’ve had stomach pains, dizziness, migraines and an obsession with my weight (I weight myself every morning and I’m very careful with what I eat, although I do not deprive myself of eating candies once in a while). Over time, the obsession is weakening and the pain that I’ve felt because of the depression has turned to willpower to live. Only we, dear Diary, only we can change the course of our lives. I’ve changed mine and you? When you need the most and least expect it, you’ll find strength in yourself that you neither knew that existed. I’m recovering! What are you waiting for?
With love, Beatriz (nº 6, 10th B) Escola Secundária Frei Rosa Viterbo (Agrupamento de Escolas de Sátão)