FAMILY LIFE VALUES
EVERY COUPLE MUST LEARN TO BALANCE THEIR INEVITABLE DIFFERENCES IN DISCIPLINE STYLES.
, nn
BY LIANE I<U PFERBERG CARTER
I:JI:J\\{JJ] hen our friends
'\.IVJ
come over with
their daughter, I'm never sure how my son Alex, who's 8, is going to treat her," says Tracey Murray, a mother of two in Manhasset, New York. "Sometimes he's awful. The last time, my husband offered him money to be nice to her. When the girl and her parents were leaving, Alex said right in front of them, 'Okay, I played with
When he tries to be the kids' pal, you may end up playing the heavy. 147
FAMILY LIFE VALUES agree and What You Can Do About It (Avon). Ultimately, your complementary styles will keep you balanced and flexible , which enables you to respond better to your children.
her-where's my money? ' J was mortified. You don't
pay someone to be kind. It sends the wrong message. " Murray sighs. "My husband just looks for the easiest way to get things done. " Nothing brings out the dramatic differences between two partners in a marriage more than parenthood. "Your child-rearing style is deeply interwoven with who you are, " notes Ron Taffe!, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York City and a Parents contributing editor. "It's a combination of your basic personality, your parents' beliefs, how they raised you, and whether or not you've made a conscious choice to bring up your kids the same way." Factor in your child's personality-and how you each react to it - and it 's little wonder that men and women find themselves slugging it out in the discipline arena.
Why do we polarize ourselves? "It ' s okay to be complementary, " says Lawrence Balter, Ph.D., professor of applied psychology at New York University and coauthor of Who 's in Control? Dr. Balter's Guide to Discipline Without Combat (Fireside) . "When things get very intense, one par-
The most common split: tough vs. permissive parent
cipline is confusing to your kids and dangerous to your marital relationship. "Your first tendency is to go ballistic when your spouse does things differently than you would," says Elliott Rosen, Ed.D., director of the Family Institute of Westchester, in White Plains ; New York. "But that only teaches kids that they don't have to worry about discipline because Mom and Dad don't agree. " Parents tend to fall naturally into two camps. At one ex-
trum is the strict parent, who
sees every situation as an opportunity to teach a lesson and thinks in terms of absolutes: A rule is a rule is a rule. This parent is more authoritarian or dispassionate but also more predictable and consistent. All parents fall somewhere between these two extremes , and no one is completely one way or the other: You could be both .more emotional and bound by the rules. Your husband
"The kids ignore my husband. They think, 'If Mommy's not around, I can get away with murder.'" ent can back off, and the other can move in and calm the situation down," he says. "But the downside is that we tend to polarize ourselves. You may be leaning much too far in one direction, so I'll pull back even further in this direction to compensate. " Getting locked into completely opposite styles of dis148 PARENTS AUGUST 1998
treme is the more permissive parent, the one who's willing to bend the rules and do whatever it takes to get through a situation. Along this continuum, you'll find many degrees of leniency: the parent who behaves inconsistently, who blows up and then gives in , or who wants to be the kids' pal. At the other end of the spec-
might be calmer but more laissez-faire. But no matter what your individual style, you're going to need to compromise in order to function effectively as a team. "Compromise can mean either resolving things together or taking turns as to who wins on an issue," says Dr. Taffe!, who is also coauthor of Why Parents Dis-
Basic routines, such as meals and bedtime, are frequent battlegrounds for disagreement. Ina Plotsky, a mother in Great Neck, New York, has no problem getting her kids, ages 2, 5, and 8 , to bed . But when she goes to night meetings, leaving her husband, Mark, in charge, "I know that when I get home, all of them will still be up ," she says. "My husband will be sitting reading the paper, and as long as the kids are quiet, he won't care. Mark tells them, 'Go to bed,' but they ignore him because they think, 'If Mommy's not around, I can get away with murder.' " The best way to handle this split is for the "strict" parent to bow out and let her spouse handle the fallout, says Rosen. "Don't take over," he advises. "Let your spouse put the kids to bed while you go into another room, make a sandwich, or look through the mail. " Furthermore, tell him you have to leave early in the morning, so he 'll be the one to get the exhausted kids up for school. "It's really important to let Dad succeed-or fail- with the children, " says Rosen. "The person in the trenches develops survival skills. If both parents are spending an equitable amount of time raising the children, they're going to find less conflict around their styles. " He also stresses how important it is to talk with your partner after any incident about how you might negotiate the issue better in the future. For instance, Ina and Mark could discuss how much sleep the kids need in
FAMILY LIFE VALUES "Mom vs. Dad" (Continued) order to stay healthy and alert at school. "It isn't a question of who's rigid and who ' s lenient, " says Rosen, "but rather how well you talk to one another about what will best serve your kids. "
Your family history shapes your outlook
5UMMER fUN CALl5 fOR WET ONB. .路路
~::..=.::.->----
--
-
-~~
ClfAN-U~ f~HHfN U~ . ANYTIMfl ANYWHf~f!
When it comes to the big issues, like values, parents usually agree in principle but often disagree, vehemently, in practice. For instance, Phyllis Schieber, of Mount Vernon , New York, and her husband, Howard, both want to raise responsible children. But Howard tends to be indulgent, while he sees Phyllis as unnecessarily punitive. "His idea of discipline is to get mad and yell, " she says. ''I'll do things like make our son Isaac, who's 13 , return his own library books, and if they're overdue, pay the fine himself. His father just reaches into his pocket and says , 'I've got it.' " Recently, says Phyllis, her son wanted a new Nintendo game cartridge. She told him to use his birthday money to buy it . But her husband saw it on sale at Caldor's and ended up buying him two games. Phyllis insisted on making their son pay them back for the first game because, she says , "that's what we agreed on. Howard accepted it because I told him we had to be consistent and follow through. He relentedbut not willingly. " This situation is complicated, says Barbara Fields, a New York City 150
psychotherapist, because it's really about the parents' own family histories, "the ghosts in the nursery. Parents need to look at what has shaped and molded them, or they'll undermine each other for reasons that have very little to do with their child," she says. "In this case, the couple needs to understand why they feel so differently about the money issue." "I would try to get these parents to check with each other before deciding whether or not to make their child pay, " adds Dr. Taffel. "There are many ways to reach the goal of teaching a child responsibility. What's important is that the parents come up with something that makes them both feel comfortable. "
schoolwork. "Rick feels that sports are a close second to school, while I see them as way down the list," says Deborah. For years, the couple were at odds over whether to let the kids attend practices or watch televised sports when they hadn 't finished their homework. And Rick often wanted to take the kids to games on school nights. Deborah says that to try to reach a compromise , she and her husband found something they could agree onthe larger goal of their children's education. So they were able to see eye to eye on the concept of "work before play." They came up with a rule: If one of their sons has a night baseball practice, he has to get all his work done ahead of time. It's Kids can accept up to the boys to figure out how-whether they differences Always trying to main- stay in at lunch to do tain a united front is a homework or start on a little unrealistic, say ex- longer assignment earliperts. "As two separate er in the week. Although to Debopeople , you 'll always have a different take on rah, missing school is things, " Dr. Balter says. practically a mortal sin "Children can accept ("The nuns drilled into these differences as us that the only excuses long as they see that were illness or death," their parents can appre- she recalls), she's learnciate and listen to each ing to accept the role other. " One reason that of sports in her family's some parents haven 't life. Last year, she allearned better problem- lowed the boys to go to solving skills is that a Knicks-Bulls game their own parents al- even though their homeways disagreed behind work wasn ' t done. closed doors. If you let "How often do you get your kids see you dis- to see Michael Jordan agree but treat each play live? " she says , other respectfully, adding, "In 18 years of they' ll learn to solve marriage, I've learned to be adaptable. " conflicts. Becoming frozen in For example , Deborah and Rick Ross , of a rigid disciplinary style Scarsdale, New York, means you're notreparents of two sons , sponding to what your ages 10 and 13 , have child needs at that particdeep-seated differences, ular moment. Problems when it comes to the, can arise when one parvalue of sports versus ent tries to turn a diffi-
What's your discipline style? Where do you and your spouse fall on the permissive/strict spectrum? Test yourselves with these situations.
that they don't get chocolate chips all over the new couch.
3. Your child has a friend sleeping over. They've
1. Your child is begging for emptied every Lego on the candy. You say: a. "I don't care if it's Halloween; you've already had enough." b. "You can choose one more piece tonight and another tomorrow." c. "Oh,okay .•• A little more won't hurt, but let's not tell Dad [Mom]."
floor. It's bedtime.You: a. Insist they clean up the mess-now. b. Realize it's late and tell them to pick up the Legos in the morning. c. Clean up the pieces yourself. This isn't the time to pick a fight.
key: 2. Family friends are visit- a=The parental equivaing. While the grown-ups eat, your child takes all the kids-and their cookiesinto the living room.You: a. Remind your child that there is no eating in the living room, ever. b. Shepherd them back to the table to finish dessert. c. Let them stay, and pray
lent of a drill sergeant b=Pragmatic but firm &=Permissive to a fault If you and your spouse find yourselves on opposite sides of the issues, try to either compromise or divide up the territory so as not to confuse your children .
cult situation into a long- was furious because I term "life lesson. " This thought he was rewardis what happened to ing bad behavior," says Candy Schulman, a New Candy. "Now I recogYork City mom who re- nize that my anxiety cently spent a holiday was probably fueling out of town with her ex- Amy's stubbornness, betended family. When all · cause normally she 's 25 relatives sat down to a good kid." dinner, her 4-year-old daughter, Amy, refused What you can to wash her hands. learn from each "I was terribly embar· other's style rassed ," says Candy. While Candy was react"Here was the whole ing emotionally, her family watching. They husband was able to see you one day a year, step back and assess and they sum up what the larger picture. "I kind of parent you are. realized later that I ended up on all fours Steve was right, " she under the dining-room says. "It was late; Amy table, chasing after was tired and overstimAmy. " Her husband, ulated. If she didn 't Steve, intervened, tak- want to wash her hands ing Amy into the kitch- right at that moment, en while he carved the what was the big deal?" turkey. Then he washed Sometimes one parher hands and sat her in ent is simply better at front of a video for half handling certain types an hour. "At the time, I of issues than the other,
due to temperament or childhood experiences, and it pays to acknowledge that difference . Wendy and Dave Nelson, from Olathe, Kansas, held very different views on how their son, Jack , 5, should deal with a bully at the playground. "I wanted him to ignore him and go play with other kids," says Wendy. "Dave wanted Jack to hold his ground. We talked it over and decided that Dave should be the one to help Jack because he had lived through this kind of thing. Dave gave Jack permission to call the other kid names if he was called names flrst. Although I didn 't like it when Jack called the other kid ' Bug Face,' I was glad that he felt confident handling himself. " Playing to each of your strengths helps you give your children a consistent message. When parents agree that one of them will take the lead in a certain situation, it breaks the impasse and provides much clearer gttidance to kids. Making even a small change in how you handle your disagreements, such as letting your spouse know when you think he 's handled a problem well, can make an enormous difference in both your m.a.tital happiness and your kids' behavior, says Dr. Taffe!. One thing all parents can agree on is the goal of raising thoughtful, decent kids. By accepting our different styles of accomplishing that goal, we're likely to create a peaceful, happy home life as well. 0 Liane Kupferberg Carter is a freelance writer in Scarsdale, New York. 151
Barbecuer or picnia,
or roMpin' at the beach, W[T ONH®Moid toweletter
for WMMer-fun deanupr, keep 'eM in reach!