The Raunch and the Righteous

Synopsis: Several months after Bishops of Bastard Beginnings Volume 3, Lord Bishop Linz Mondello has made a name for himself in local underground street racing circuits with his concept microbus the Lulzwagen. His infamous exploits on the streets of Cankerton get the attention of an online evangelist named Albert Okie, chairman of the religious organization R.A.U.N.C.H. Okie offers Linzy $1 million dollars to help him create a sex scandal involving Masked Bastard and Sadie.

Cast: Masked Bastard – Arch Bishop of the Church of Fatherless Time and a houseplant enthusiast.

Linz Mondello – Lord Bishop, secretly a street racer and owner of the Lulzwagen.

Sadie – Lady Bishop in a secret relationship with the Arch Bishop who becomes an “it” girl.

Albert Okie – Chairman of the organization R.A.U.N.C.H. and an old friend of Linz.

Mr. R Mcgeddon – Lord Bishop in charge of the Church Armory and the Church Attorney.

Chris the Pimp – Lord Bishop in charge of Church finances.

Denizen Mouse – Lord Bishop, human-sized white rat in charge of Church events.

Mystique B – Lord Bishop, half man, half wasp, Church Faptist and marijuana enthusiast.

Others: Mayor Grosscup – current mayor of Cankerton and a good friend of Okie’s.

Councilman Cogoggle – Grosscup’s right hand man who protects the mayor’s image.

Captain MeGusta – Commanding officer of the Cankerton Police Department.

Becky Gallagher – Sadie’s cheetah cosplayer college dorm mate, joins Sadie as an “it” girl.

Judge Blumberg – Superior Court Justice, friend of Masked Bastard and colleague of Mac. Absalom “Absurd” Fallenlog – Street race promoter, mechanic and friend of Linz.

Jolen-Heli – Lumi-Visian Sage, unseen celestial conservator of Masked Bastard.

Pia Arrabo – Excommunicated celestial Cardinal, servant of Lord Dagon.

Dagon – Hæysux overlord who controls Pia Arrabo.

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Church of Fatherless Time. Night.

The garage door opens up. Out comes a red concept microbus. Its high beams come on.

It is the Lulzwagen. It pulls out of the parking lot and takes off down the road.

The driver of the Lulzwagen is wearing a teal blue cassock.

He turns on the radio. Reggae music plays – “Fun Time Deh Ya by Night Rider” RADIO: Now dis one is dedicated to all the fun and laugh up people all over the world.

The driver pops the top on a can of store-brand diet cola and chugs it.

RADIO: Big woman, boy and girl yes man, mi nah show you?

The Lulzwagen coasts through the city of Cankerton. It stops at a red light. Hookers come to the window. They hand the driver cash. One girl stands there with her arms crossed. The driver makes a “gimme” gesture with his hand. She finally gives up the money.

The Lulzwagen pulls off and hangs a sharp right. A Cankerton police car is seen in the rearview mirror. It puts on its strobe flashers, but speeds by the Lulzwagen and down the Strip. The red van stops at another corner. The driver collects cash from more scantily clad women.

It leaves the city limits and goes into the suburban area of Fale County. The microbus pulls into a U-shaped paved driveway. The van stops before a huge building with colonial architecture.

RADIO: Sunhine deh yah, time fi de busrida/Fun time deh yah, ah time fi de busrida/Now! The radio is turned off. The van kills the headlights and shuts off.

The TITLE CARD appears: THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS The driver side door opens. Shiny black lace-less shoes touch the pavement.

Lord Bishop Linz Mondello takes a final swing of diet cola, belches and tosses the can away.

He goes up the steps of the building.

RAUNCH HQ. Linz is met by a RAUNCH Representative and taken down the hallway.

Okie’s Office.

Linz is let in and the doors shut behind him. A man with white hair, mid 50s, wearing glasses turns to Linz with hands folded before him. He is Pastor Albert Okie.

LINZ: Albert?

1

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Linz and Okie hug.

OKIE: How you been, Larry?

LINZ: Hey, Mondello can’t complain.

OKIE: You still racing that concept van?

LINZ: I got debts to pay. You still drag race with that custom sport-van?

OKIE: Nah. I don’t race no more. I serve the Lord now.

Okie shows Linz a glass whiskey jar. Linz declines.

OKIE: (pours drink) You’re really serious about this bishop thing, aren’t you?

Linz reads a plaque on the wall behind Okie’s desk.

LINZ: Religious Association of Unified National Church Hellrasiers? (laughs) Really?

Okie sips his drink and holds it.

OKIE: Things are drying up in the Mid-West. This Internet market is the place to be.

LINZ: Way ahead of you, Al. Our Church is social media based.

OKIE: The Church of Fatherless Time. (nods) What does that even mean?

LINZ: Our doctrine has no beginning or ending. It has always been around.

OKIE: That doesn’t make sense. Everything has a beginning.

LINZ: Not The Most.

OKIE: The most what?

LINZ: Nevermind.

Okie brings Linz over to his desk.

OKIE: You’re making a name for yourself in Fale County with that little red van.

LINZ: I race for charity.

OKIE: And to line your own pocket as well.

LINZ: Mondello only takes what he needs.

OKIE: We all have needs. This brings me to the reason I called you here.

LINZ: I know some big booty cuties that can cure what ails you.

OKIE: No, no. It’s not about me. It’s about your Church.

LINZ: Oh boy. Who’d we piss off this time?

OKIE: It’s about your arch bishop. The masked bastard.

LINZ: What about him?

OKIE: We’ve been watching him closely since that DMCA lawsuit. He has become considerably affluent here and abroad. His ministry is growing.

LINZ: It’s called productivity. You know how it works.

OKIE: Yes, I do. He’s a very busy man. But, I question his methods and his faith to God. LINZ: So you’re the church police now?

OKIE: We’re whistle blowers.

LINZ: Sounds like you guys blow more than whistles.

2

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS OKIE: See what you’re saying? You sound just like him.

LINZ: What do you mean “sound just like him”?

OKIE: Morally corrupt.

LINZ: In what way?

OKIE: Ethically.

LINZ: You’re kidding me.

OKIE: How can you follow a man like the masked bastard, leading a group of people with an unknown religion that is questionable in the eyes of good Christian men?

LINZ: What the hell is a good Christian?

OKIE: A good Christian is the opposite of what your arch bishop is. I feel like he’s dangerous.

LINZ: I feel like you should mind your own business.

OKIE: Even when your arch bishop is possibly in a sexually relationship with a minor?

LINZ: That’s garbage.

OKIE: You see the way he looks at that little blonde girl.

LINZ: Sadie? She’s legal.

OKIE: Not when she first got there. I bet your arch bishop couldn’t wait to get under her habit.

LINZ: She’s the Holy Queen Mother of the Internet Saviour.

OKIE: Is that what the arch bishop told you?

LINZ: Get to the point, Al. OKIE: The point is that innocent young girl is impressionable and easily influenced.

LINZ: Clearly you don’t know our Lady Sadie.

A pause between them.

OKIE: How are your investments down at the Shore going?

Linzy turns away from Okie.

OKIE: I’m pretty certain most of what you get from the Church goes directly to the casinos.

LINZ: That’s personal.

OKIE: That’s the truth.

LINZ: What do my debts have to do with you?

Okie sits a brief case on the table. He opens it.

OKIE: One million in cash. Wanna count it?

LINZ: What do I have to do?

OKIE: Simple. Give me the masked bastard and you get the money.

LINZ: He hasn’t done anything wrong.

OKIE: Not yet. In a few weeks, he will be investigated for child pornography. You will secretly report to me any information regarding his relationship to that girl, even if it doesn’t exist.

LINZ: You want me to lie on our Arch Bishop?

OKIE: I want to get you out of debt, Larry. So, will one million do it?

3

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Two million. I’m a very busy man.

OKIE: We’ll be in touch.

Church of Fatherless Time. Day. Lady Sadie enters the office of the Arch Bishop. She sprays polish on various pieces of furniture and wipes them down. She takes books off the desk and spaces them on the shelf.

She comes across a current edition of the Book of Bastard. She opens it and finds a picture of a Rasta-looking man and a woman in a hijab with two children; both kids have metal masks.

MASKED BASTARD: (OS) Question.

Sadie yelps and drops the Book. The Arch Bishop emerges from the shadows and towers over her. He moves toward her until her back hits the bookshelf.

She keeps her eyes low as he picks up the Book.

MASK: What did I tell you about coming into my office unannounced?

SADIE: I was just cleaning, my Lord.

MASK: (puts book down) What did I say would happen?

SADIE: Your Grace, please…

MASK: What did I say?

SADIE: That I would be punished.

MASK: Go over to the desk.

Sadie goes over to his desk and places her palms on the desktop.

Mask raises his right hand. The officer door shuts and locks. He removes his cloak and his cummerbund from his cassock and takes off his gloves. He gets behind her and slides his dark russet hands up her lush, lily white thighs until they disappear underneath her habit dress.

Sadie shuts her eyes, smiles and leans on her elbows as his hands lower her white briefs.

MASK: Don’t even move. Don’t even cry. Better bite down. I’m goin’ in dry.

Sadie’s eyes grow large and she spins around with hands to her bottom.

SADIE: The hell you are!

MASK: We doin’ this or not?

SADIE: You’d better get some lube or something.

MASK: Mondello has some in his van.

Sadie turns around and goes through all of his desk drawers. She opens and shuts them until she turns to him with a travel-sized bottle of baby oil. She struggles to open it.

MASK: What?

SADIE: I think its child proof cap.

MASK: Don’t you think you should call an adult?

SADIE: Real funny, asshole. (gives him bottle) Here.

After Mask opens it, Sadie takes it and prepares to pour.

4

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS SADIE: Hold still.

Sadie pours some out. Mask gasps and recoils.

SADIE: I said hold still!

MASK: It’s cold.

Sadie puts the bottle down and goes to work with her hands.

SADIE: Geez. What’ve you been doing to this thing?

MASK: Nothing.

SADIE: It’s got more veins than that juicer Marge.

MASK: Sadie.

SADIE: Varicose village down this bitch.

MASK: (grabs her wrists) Maybe we shouldn’t.

Sadie pulls her hands away and snacks him on the chest.

SADIE: (points to him) You promised! (turns from him) Now, I came in here for Bene-dick-tion Butthurt and I’m not leaving until I get it!

Mask prepares to go in.

MAGDA: (knocks) Arch Bishop?

SADIE: You have got to be kidding.

MAGDA: Your Grace? (knocks) Your Lordship?

Mask puts on his cummerbund, cloak and gloves and heads for the door. Sadie quickly pulls up her underwear, and then grabs the rag and furniture polish.

Magda enters in her Abbess habit looking grumpy as usual.

MAGDA: Sadie. What are you doing in here?

Magda looks to Mask. Mask doesn’t say a word. Sadie stops wiping the desktop.

SADIE: What does it look like I’m doing?

MAGDA: I dusted in here already.

SADIE: Then, I guess I’m done.

Sadie quickly moves by the Arch Bishop and out the door. Magda watches Sadie leave and looks to the Arch Bishop. Then her yellow eyes wander; she lifts her head and sniffs.

MAGDA: Is that baby oil?

MASK: Can I help you, my Lady?

MAGDA: Bishop Mouse is looking for you.

MASK: Thank you.

Magda stares at Mask for a moment and then leaves.

Magda enters the hallway and walks with Lady Marge.

MARGE: So, were they doing it?

MAGDA: Something’s going on between those two.

MARGE: Why are you so concerned about what they’re doing behind closed doors?

5

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAGDA: Because anybody Sadie has sex with is doomed to die by her hand.

MARGE: I don’t think he’s stupid enough to stab her vag. There are alternatives.

Magda stops walking.

MAGDA: What alternatives, Marge? Yours?

MARGE: Look, I dig Blondie. But if she’s cursed, I’m not going near her.

MAGDA: If they’re not messin’ around, then why is she in his office so much?

MARGE: Haven’t you figured it out yet? Sadie is a technical virgin.

MAGDA: What the hell is that?

MARGE: That’s when she allows the “crosier” into every staff stand, but the magical one.

MAGDA: How do you know what?

MARGE: Because she told me one evening during devotion.

MAGDA: So technically, she’s still riding the Virginmobile.

MARGE: Yeah, but she’s bent over in the backseat, if you know what I mean.

MAGDA: She’s a colonic slut.

MARGE: My, my Lady Magda. Is that envy I see in your skin?

MAGDA: Is that Winstrol I smell in your sweat?

MARGE: No. It’s Equipoise. (turns up nose) Excuse me.

MAGDA: Equipoise? (gas face) They use that stuff on horses!

Church Sanctuary.

Mask meets with Denizen Mouse, a human-sized white rat with a touch tablet.

MASK: Where is Bishop Chris? I need for him to tighten up network security.

MOUSE: You sent him with Bishop Chris to those investment seminars, remember?

MASK: Can you block a certain email recipient?

MOUSE: Sounds like you have another stalker.

MASK: Screen name “mizzhill114”. All messages tagged “urgent”.

MOUSE: Urgent as in: you open the email message and it says CLICK HERE. You click on the link and you’ve got a virus. Sounds like a troll phishing for your personal info. I’ll look into it.

MASK: Good.

MOUSE: Mayor Grosscup called. You’re all set to receive your Honorary “Like A Boss” Award.

Mask grabs a spray bottle and begins misting potted plants around the sanctuary.

MASK: Sounds to me like Grosscup is looking for delegates to fund his next election.

MOUSE: Your Lordship, the event could benefit the Social Media Church in many ways. We can bring in new members and maybe even give your ministry a little more offline.

MASK: I’m an introvert, Mouse. You know that.

MOUSE: An introvert with a plant fetish.

MASK: It’s not a fetish. (checks leaves) I’m an enthusiast.

6

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MOUSE: You’ve spent over five thousand dollars on horticulture alone.

MASK: Yeah, that’s about what Sadie consumes ordering take-out in one year.

MOUSE: I’m just saying. The vineyard and garden out back…are they really necessary?

MASK: Do I think it’s necessary for the Church to grow its own food? Yes. It can cut the cost of groceries by more than sixty percent and we can feed the homeless. (mists plant) Besides, my diet doesn’t require solid foods of any kind. And I’m always up for feeding needy families.

MOUSE: We’re all family here, Your Grace. We support you.

Mask puts the spray bottle down.

MASK: Then why are you insisting that I do this political side show for the mayor?

MOUSE: As a community we all have to play ball. Now, it’s just a short little ceremony. We’ll have you back behind church doors before Sadie’s next colon irrigation appointment.

MASK: Haha. You’re real funny.

MOUSE: I’m gonna go check on Misty.

MASK: Yeah. You do that.

Mouse chuckles and leaves. Mask looks to Sadie across the Sanctuary. She winks at him.

Invisibase. The Celestial Plane.

Lumi-Visians go in and out of the City of Jolen-Heli. A group of Holy Court Officers approach the Great Kal-Panyim Temple. Among them is Cardinal Pia Arrabo. An arm blocks Pia’s path.

JOLEN-HELI: That’s far enough, my son.

PIA: I’m here to visit. You still won’t permit me access to the city? Even under supervision?

JOLEN: The deal was you repent of your wrongdoings and you will be fully restored.

PIA: The only wrongdoing here is the conspiracy to keep me off of the throne.

JOLEN: So you and your cousins stage a coup and start a rebellion?

PIA: It’s only a matter of time before your little Champion discovers his true power. When he realizes what you’re doing with his free will, he’ll turn on you. He has the power to kill you.

JOLEN: You must remember one thing. The Arch Bishop asked me to take away his memories.

He didn’t want to remember that he was engineered by you. He’s ashamed to be called your creation. And even if he were to regain his former memories, who do you think he will hold in contempt for his conception?

PIA: Masked Bastard is a porn-again failure and a pervert. And I’m going to prove it.

JOLEN: You really believe everything that Lord Dagon tells you?

PIA: Dagon is a pagan fool. I’m only serving him until it is my time to ascend.

JOLEN: You’re the fool, my son. And if you think persecuting the Masked Bastard will deter me from keeping him in my good graces, you’re sadly mistaken.

PIA: You’re only keeping him in your graces because you are afraid of him.

JOLEN: And you’re only serving Dagon because you’re afraid of the truth.

7

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS PIA: You would choose a botched laboratory experiment over you own son?

JOLEN: At least I know the specimen will obey. The scientist, however, will continue making the same foolish mistakes in his mad quest to yield different results.

PIA: Give me one month and I’ll prove to you that the Arch Bishop is ignoble.

JOLEN: Do what you will with his character, but you are not to touch his aura.

Pia bows with a wicked grin before leaving his father’s presence.

Garage of the Lulzwagen.

Mr. R Mcgeddon works under the hood of the red microbus Linz pops the top on a diet cola and chugs it.

MAC: How can you drink that crap?

LINZ: Hey! It’s either this or cocaine.

MAC: You might as well be doing cocaine.

LINZ: I’d rather be doing Sadie.

MAC: Cola is only good for removing corrosion from car batteries.

LINZ: And removing sex stains from clothing and bed linens.

MAC: (laughs) Yeah, you would know. (moves away from van) All right. Turn it over.

Linz gets in and starts the microbus. Mac listens to the engine.

MAC: It think she’s ready.

Linz shuts the van off and gets out. Mask enters and joins them.

MASK: Heading out?

LINZ: Yup. There’s a car meet behind the Cankerton Mall.

MASK: Word around the county is you’re an elite street racer.

LINZ: That’s ridiculous.

MASK: Save it, Mondello. I wanna see how you’ve been spending your nights.

LINZ: Look, I’m not going to the casinos anymore.

MASK: I know you’re not. You’re trying to kick your gambling addiction and I commend you for that. But, that car meet is full of potential church members. So, I’m coming with you.

LINZ: Come on, Your grace. Don’t do this to me now.

MASK: They need to hear the message. The Internet Saviour is coming.

MAC: We know that, but those kids aren’t there to be witnessed to.

MASK: Tell you what. I’ll bring Sadie along. We’ll put her in a really skanky outfit.

MAC: Like I said, those kids need to hear the message too.

LINZ: The Internet Saviour’s coming must be shared with everyone.

Mask watches Linz and Mac do some final tweaks on the Lulzwagen.

MASK: You guys are really into this street racing thing, aren’t you?

MAC: Its steadier income than Misty’s dwindling weed operation.

8

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: True. Misty burns through product faster than a televangelist squanders donations.

LINZ: And the hookers haven’t been completely honest with Big Daddy Mondello lately.

MASK: We have hookers?

LINZ: Did I say “hookers”? I meant charitable female donors.

Linz quickly walks away. Mask looks to Mac. Mac shrugs.

Cankerton Mall. Car Meet. Night.

Linz pulls in behind the wheel of the Lulzwagen.

On the passenger side is Mask. In the back is Mac. LINZ: (points) I’m racing them.

MASK: Those cars look like they were vomited out of a party store.

MAC: But their merchandise is top of the line.

LINZ: But they’re no match for Lord Mondello’s microbus.

MASK: (turns to Mac) Is she ready yet?

Mac turns a black curtain draped from the van roof.

MAC: You about done?

SADIE: (OS) Don’t you dare look in here, you pervert. (moves around) This shirt is too tight.

MASK: That’s how it’s supposed to be, my Lady.

SADIE: (OS) Well, it’s not designed for proper blood circulation. (fabric tears) Damn it!

MASK: What are you doing back there?

SADIE: Get off my tit! I’m customizing!

Linz, Mask and Mac check out the custom cars nearby.

An African-American man with his hair braided comes up to Linz and hugs him.

LINZ: Arch Bishop, this is Absurd. He’s puts all of these racing events together.

MASK: “Absurd”?

MAC: His government name is Absalom Fallenlog.

LINZ: But the way he used to race, people thought his handling of cars was ridiculous.

ABSURD: What about you, masked man? You race?

The van’s sliding door is heard opening.

SADIE: (OS) I’m ready.

The guys turn and see Sadie in white halter top with TEAM MONDELLO on the bust in red letters, white spanky pants and red platform sandals. Patrons nearby whistler and shout at her.

Sadie walks up to Masked Bastard and places her hands on her hips.

SADIE: Do you like it, Your Lordship?

ABSURD: (OS) I love it.

Sadie watches the Arch Bishop for second.

She looks down and back up at him.

9

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS SADIE: Are you looking at my feet?

MASK: Yes. Sadie moves in and lightly palms his groin area.

SADIE: At least you’re honest.

Absurd gets close to Mask as they watch Sadie walk away.

ABSURD: You are a lucky man.

LINZ: (joins them) I would love to send my junk mail to her inbox.

MAC: (points) Time to race.

Linz pulls up to the starting line. Sadie comes out before the cars and holds up her arms.

She looks around as the crowd’s laughter builds.

SPECTATOR 1: (OS) Hey, baby! You can be my private ‘tooter’!

SPECTATOR 2: (OS) Lock me in yo gas chamber!

She turns around, like a dog chasing its tail. The crowd’s laughter intensifies.

LINZ: Uh-oh.

SADIE: (asks Mondello) What the hell did you put on the back of these shorts?!

LINZ: Come on, Sadie. The race is about to start.

SADIE: It better not be perverted!

SPECTATOR 1: (OS) Girl, lemme pump yo gas!

SADIE: (to spectator) Shut up, asshole! (raises arms) Ready? Set? Go! The cars take off. Sadie turns to see smoke behind taillights.

On the seat of her spanky pants in bold black print and a red heart is: I ♥ FARTING. The other three cars leave the Lulzwagen far behind.

MASK: Well, that ended pretty fast.

MAC: It ain’t over yet.

Linz opens a lid on the dashboard to reveal a button with NOS over it.

LINZ: Time to carry on.

He hits the button. Nitrous exhaust pipes emerge from under the microbus and blast blue fire.

The red van blasts toward the speeding tricked out cars and flies by them with ease.

MASK: Hole. Lee. Crap.

Mac unzips a red money pouch with TEAM MONDELLO on it.

MAC: Time to collect the rent.

Back at the finish line, Mac watches as racers put wads of cash into the pouch.

Linz joins Mask in watching Sadie give out church tracts to spectators.

SADIE: The Internet Saviour is coming for the glory of The Most. Please visit our website.

SPECTATOR: Thanks, baby girl.

SADIE: (moves further into the crowd) The Internet Saviour is coming...

Mac tosses the pouch to Linz.

10

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAC: That’s ten grand, papi.

LINZ: Not bad at twenty-five hundred a car.

Linz hands Mac his cut. He hands Mask some cash, but Mask nods no to it.

MAC: He’d probably blow it on forsythias anyway. I’m going to go pay Absurd.

Linz smiles as he goes through cash in the pouch. Heels are heard clicking on pavement.

Sadie rushes in and shoves Linz.

SADIE: “I love farting?!”

LINZ: You do?

MASK: Well hell, even I knew that.

Sadie shoves Linz again.

SADIE: You jinxed me! Now every guy out here wants to sniff my posterior.

LINZ: You say that like it’s a bad thing.

SADIE: Gimme my freakin’ money!

Linz hands Sadie some cash. She counts it out.

SADIE: (holds up bills) Five-hundred bucks?!

LINZ: Take it or leave it.

SADIE: I’ve got “I Love Farting” plastered across my ass and you give me five-hundred bucks?!

LINZ: Hey! For a grand, I’ll give you a rimjob.

Sadie shoves him aside and stomps away in her platform sandals.

SADIE: Ugh! Pervert!

LINZ: (to Mask) I think we just lost our “it” girl.

MASK: Relax. (leaves) She’ll vlog about it later tonight.

LINZ: Why would she make a video about it and put it on her blog?

MASK: (OS) For the same reason you race.

Church Radio Station. Night.

Magda stares jaw-dropped at her flat screen with Marge.

On screen is a video of Sadie in her domain, holding up her I ♥ FARTING shorts to the webcam.

SADIE: So, if any of you naughty congregants want to own a pair of the Holy Queen Mother’s dirty, used girlie shorts, click on the button below and place your order right now.

A price caption for $59.95 pops up and blinks.

SADIE: Don’t forget to “like” my page on Fakebook and check out my pics on SelfieGram.

Magda clicks the mouse to pause the video stream.

MAGDA: What…thee actual hell…is wrong with that girl?

Marge leans close to Magda.

MARGE: You think she takes money orders?

Magda shuts her eyes and lowers her head.

11

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS

Cankerton Park. Night.

Mask and Sadie walk holding hands.

SADIE: Do you think I’m cursed?

MASK: Doesn’t really matter what I think.

SADIE: Magda says if I lose my virginity, I’m fated to do terrible things.

MASK: Magda has advanced knowledge of many things.

SADIE: She sounds like my mother. (scoffs) And sometimes she sounds like me.

They stop under a light pole.

Sadie wraps her arms around him with her face on his chest.

SADIE: I’m tired of all this sneaking around. Why can’t we just be together?

MASK: You do not question what The Most has deemed done.

SADIE: Why can’t we just run away? Leave this crappy city and this crappy county.

MASK: Because the Church needs us. Our fates have already been decided.

Sadie looks up into his glossy eye guards and nods her head.

SADIE: I refuse to accept that.

MASK: You’re not required to accept it.

SADIE: So you actually believe a myth that somebody made up centuries ago?

MASK: The messages published in the Book of Bastard aforetime were written for our lulz.

SADIE: Seriously? You’re going to deliver a sermon right now?

MASK: Sadie, there are some things that we can’t explain. A lot of it I don’t even understand.

But there’s a purpose for everything The Most has put in motion. There are powers at work behind the scenes that we don’t even know about, because we’re limited here in the mortal realm. But the celestial plane is vast. We have to learn like immortals and at the same time be humble in our humanity. You must understand that we were all chosen before we were born.

SADIE: That I believe. I know we didn’t meet by accident. I just can’t fathom that if you make love to me, you’ll die. (nods) I can’t do it, Your Grace. I cannot kill the man that I love.

MASK: Doesn’t matter. You’re going to do it anyway.

SADIE: How can you believe that?

MASK: Because it must.

Sadie’s moves away him.

SADIE: (scoffs) You’re a real comfort.

Mask pulls her by the hand.

MASK: Come on, my Lady. I’ll get you some chocolate custard.

SADIE: Mmm. I’d love your chocolate custard.

A buzzing sound comes from Mask’s cassock. He takes out his cell phone.

SADIE: What is it?

12

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Another urgent message from “mizzhill114”.

SADIE: You’re lucky. At least you don’t get pictures of genitals.

From afar, two figures watch Masked Bastard and Sadie.

It is Cardinal Pia Arrabo and Lord Dagon of the Hæysux.

PIA: You think he remembers me?

DAGON: Nope. But I wouldn’t recommend re-introducing yourself, being that you are solely responsible for torturing and murdering his mother.

PIA: Hey, you recorded it.

DAGON: I was doing you a favor.

PIA: People love the Masked Bastard. What we need to do is turn the city against him.

DAGON: That Albert Okie fellow may be the man for the job.

PIA: Okie got kicked out of his own church.

DAGON: So did you. But that didn’t stop you, did it?

PIA: (smiles) I suppose not.

DAGON: Pastor Okie owns a lucrative video production company. He’s recently entered the online market. Let’s spread his ‘good news’ to the four corners of Fale County.

RAUNCH HQ. Okie’s Garage.

Linz watches as Okie clicks through a slideshow of Sadie’s SelfieGram pictures on his laptop.

OKIE: She is a hot little piece of ass.

Linz walks over to a gold classic sport-van souped-up as a drag racer.

LINZ: You still have the ’68 Chevy? I thought you didn’t race anymore.

OKIE: The Chevy is all I really have after the divorce settlement. Yeah, November fourth. That was the day she cleaned me out. She even made it her new email address. (scoffs) Evil bitch.

LINZ: Whatever happened to your wife?

OKIE: Somebody tampered with her brakes. Found her car in a ditch.

LINZ: No, you didn’t.

OKIE: What a shame.

LINZ: Remember when we used to run together?

OKIE: You’d come out to Dryland and we’d race at the old Mash Barrel Track.

LINZ: And you’d get pissed off after I smoked your ass like a Cuban cigar.

OKIE: You were a good racer back then, Linzy. And you still are. But now I need for you to get on track with this investigation of your Arch Bishop. We know he’s dirty. All we have to do is get the whole city to think that your Arch Bishop has turned this Sadie dame out.

LINZ: Al, I don’t feel comfortable with this.

OKIE: (gets up) Hey, I’m not asking you to get your hands dirty. (joins Linz) Leave it to me.

13

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Then what else do you want from me?

OKIE: I could use a chat log of the Bastard talking dirty to Sadie.

LINZ: I won’t do it.

OKIE: You don’t have to. I’ll be on the Church server. Just log on and point them out to me.

LINZ: The server is monitored. As soon as they see your IP, they’ll block you and ban you.

OKIE: Then I’ll troll with a proxy. Little trick I learned from my old lady, before we split.

Arch Bishop’s Domain. Night.

Mask is at his desk chatting online with Sadie. Mask is “mb2522” and Sadie is “prttyldy1991.” mb2522: remember what we talked about at the park? prttyldy1991: yes very romantic prttyldy1991: just don’t bring up prophecy again mb2522: i wont prttyldy1991: can I b ur sexratary? mb2522: what’s that?

Sadie’s Domain.

Sadie sips from a tall mountain drink and sets it down. She types with a grin. prttyldy1991: sum1 who is used purely for your sexual gain mb2522: ive got a premonition that your getting a promotion prttyldy1991: o yes baby prttyldy1991: i want ur manpole deep n my tight little ass mb2522: you’re a naughty gurl prttyldy1991: u gonna spank me? mb2522: cum to my domain and find out prttyldy1991: u so bad i luv u baby mb2522: love u too RAUNCH HQ. Okie’s Office.

Okie is at his desk with the PC monitor as his only light. He is on the Church chat server.

His pants are gathered around his ankles while his right hand works feverishly below.

OKIE: Oh yes, I’d love to put my meatpole deep in your tight little ass.

Okie’s eyes roll up into his head before he erupts all over himself and his keyboard.

Garage.

Linz and Mac work on the Lulzwagen.

MAC: She’s gonna need a new tranny soon.

14

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Hey! Chicks with dicks don’t get in my van.

MAC: Linz, that’s slang for the transmission.

Linz checks the engine.

LINZ: The nitrous kick must be wearing down the plates.

MAC: Friction alone is doing it.

LINZ: Should I switch to senior citizen highway driving?

MAC: You can’t even do the standard speed limit on a state route.

LINZ: Sixty-five miles per hour is the new residential speed limit.

MAC: True. (opens tool box) I’m gonna go head and check the ignition components.

Linz watches Mac work on the engine.

LINZ: Mac? MAC: Yeah?

LINZ: How much to you love the Church?

MAC: I’d kill to protect it. Hand me those spark plugs.

LINZ: (gives Mac the parts) How faithful are you to the Arch Bishop?

MAC: (stops working) I’d die for the Arch Bishop. (continues) But I’ll kill anybody who means to harm him.

LINZ: That’s not part of the oath you took.

MAC: It’s my personal vow. We’re a Bishop of Bastard and as Lord Bishops under His Grace, we are all brothers. And brothers should always look out for one another. (wipes hands) Betrayal is worse than anything I can imagine. I’m a soldier and veteran; I have my pride. And treason is a crime I cannot forgive. (inserts spark plug) I’ll shoot anybody who double-crosses us.

Linz keeps his eyes low while Mac continues the tune-up.

Sanctuary.

Mask carefully mists potted plants. Sadie sneaks up behind him with another girl.

Sadie hushes her friend and goes to scare Mask. But he’s already facing her.

SADIE: Damn you!

MASK: You know you can’t sneak up on me. (sees girl) Who’s the redhead?

Sadie’s friend immediately falls on her face to worship the Arch Bishop.

Sadie pulls her friend up.

SADIE: Arch Bishop, this is my dorm mate from college, Becky Gallagher.

Becky, who is clearly star-struck, is wearing a spotted fur print bodysuit, with matching flats, a spotted ear band in her ginger hair and spotted eyeliner.

BECKY: It’s an honor to finally meet you, Your Grace. I read your blog everyday and I listen to all of your social media sermons on my MP3 player.

MASK: Thank you.

15

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS BECKY: I’m an aspiring psychic and I’m studying to be a femdom mistress like Sadie.

MASK: Really?

BECKY: I’m into tickling, trampling, fisting, ball-busting, double penetration…

SADIE: Whoa! (nervous smile) All rightly then.

MASK: What are you supposed to be? A furry?

BECKY: I’m a cosplayer. There’s a difference.

MASK: You playing a jaguar?

BECKY: I’m a cheetah.

MASK: Then I guess it’s not a good idea to sit next to you during an exam.

Mask laughs, but Sadie and Becky don’t find the humor in his joke.

MASK: That was lame.

SADIE: Naw! Really?!

MASK: Why have you brought Becky the Cheater before me?

SADIE: She’s a cheetah, damn you.

Becky snickers.

SADIE: Don’t encourage him!

BECKY: Sorry. My bad.

SADIE: (clears throat) Becky here is going to help me hand out church tracts at the car meets.

MASK: Can she dress skanky?

BECKY: Skanky enough to bring the ‘monster’ out of your monstrance, sugar.

MASK: Amen to that.

SADIE: Pervert! (pulls Beck away) Come on. Let’s go shopping.

Car meet. Night.

Sadie and Becky hand out church tracts in a tight halter tops that read: I ♥ BURPING. SPECTATOR: Hey! Belch for me, baby!

SADIE: By me a drink first, broke-ass.

The Lulzwagen wins another race; it skids across the finish line and over heats. Mac rushes in and pulls Linz from the van. Mac grabs the fire extinguisher out of the back, flips up the hood and sprays down the burnt engine.

Mask, Linz and Sadie approach.

MASK: Well, that’s that.

SADIE: She had a good run, Linzy. But now it’s time to retire that piece of junk.

LINZ: Hey, bitch, why don’t you suck on my junk?

BECKY: I like sucking on junk.

Sadie grabs Becky and leaves with her.

LINZ: Who’s the redhead?

16

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS

Bar. Night.

Linz knocks back a few drinks.

BARTEDNER: I thought you were going to ask for a diet cola.

LINZ: My baby died on me. (lifts shot glass) To the death of lulz.

Linz downs his last shot and leaves his money on the counter.

Outside the bar, Linz sits on the step. He takes out a dime bag and rolling papers. He licks the edges of the paper and rolls the joint. As he light up, hears a police siren go woop-woop!

Out of an unmarked unit steps Police Captain Miguel MeGusta.

LINZ: Damn.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: How you doin’ Mondello?

LINZ: Well, I was about to burn one. But since you’re here, I guess I’m— MeGusta snatches the joint and takes a long hit. He exhales and smiles at Linz.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Let’s go for ride, Mondello.

Cankerton Park.

Linz and MeGusta share the joint in MeGusta’s unmarked unit.

LINZ: Isn’t your dash cam gonna catch us doin’ this?

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: What dash cam?

Linz and MeGusta burst out laughing. Linz puts the joint out and puts it into the baggie.

LINZ: You got any donuts around here?

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: There’s some cold coffee in the drink holder here.

Linz takes the paper cup, removes the lid and begins drinking it.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I dropped my retainer in it.

Linz spits the coffee back into the cup and puts it.

LINZ: Why’d you drag me out here, Mickey? You gonna sodomize me with your nightstick?

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Shut up and listen. Your Arch Bishop is about to be front page news.

LINZ: I already know. He’s gonna get some big honor from the mayor.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I brought you out here to tell you that there’s a massive child pornography ring running in Fale County and the mastermind is somebody highly placed in religious society.

LINZ: You think it’s the Bastard?

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I don’t know what to think. I’m high as shit right now. But I do know Direct Debacle is running the story the same day as that big ceremony for the Arch Bishop.

LINZ: Oh, that’s not good.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I don’t have to tell you to watch your back, Linzy.

LINZ: Hell no. Mondello is on top of things.

17

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Good. Then you know that your old friend Albert Okie may have his hand in this. Now, I know your fellow Bishop Mr. R Mcgeddon has a short fuse; he’s gonna wanna protect the Arch Bishop’s name. I don’t want him or any of your other pals gunning for Okie. If you have any information on this child porn thing, you bring it directly to me. Understand?

MeGusta nudges Linz.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Mondello?

Snoring Linz is slumped over against the passenger side window with his mouth wide open.

Church. Day. Mac knocks on Linz’s domain door.

MAC: (knocks) Mondello?

Mondello’s Domain.

Mac enters and finds Linz in bed.

MAC: Mondello. Wake up.

Linz slowly gets up and takes a sip of diet cola.

MAC: The Arch Bishop has that ceremony with the mayor today.

LINZ: You go ahead. I’ll read about it online.

MAC: Suit yourself.

After Mac leaves, Linz gets up and stretches. He goes over to his desk and turns on his PC. Mac and Marge come out of the front Church doors with Sadie as a brand new, sleek silver concept microbus with an “A” logo pulls up. Out steps Masked Bastard and Mystique B. MAC: Nice ride.

SADIE: Much better than that old red clunker.

MASK: Just bought it from the Cankerton Auto Mall. I call it “The Argentum”.

MARGE: What does that mean?

MASK: Peep the paint job, sweetie.

SADIE: Wait a minute. You don’t have a license.

Misty tosses the keys to Mask and leaves.

SADIE: They let a giant insect drive a new vehicle off of their lot?

MASK: They thought he was part of an oddities sideshow exhibit.

SADIE: Oh. He’d fit right in.

MASK: Where’s our resident chauffeur?

MAC: He’s not feeling well. I’ll drive.

Mask gives the key to Mac. 18

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Linz’s Domain.

Linz sees a flyer for the “Like A Boss” Honorary Citizen ceremony. He stares at it for moment.

MEGUSTA’S VOICE: Direct Debacle is running the story the same day as that big ceremony for the Arch Bishop.

Linz gets up and darts for his domain door.

Linz comes out of the Church front doors to find that the Argentum has already taken off.

LINZ: Damn it. (runs back to Church) Not good, not good.

Argentum.

Mac is driving with Mask on the passenger side and Sadie and Marge in the back.

Mask’s cell phone buzzes. He checks the screen.

MAC: Is it Linzy?

MASK: No. Another urgent message from mizzhill114.

MAC: I thought you had Mouse block and ban that user’s IP address.

MASK: Apparently this person is using a proxy to surf the web anonymously.

SADIE: Who the heck is ‘miss hill’?

MASK: I don’t know, but this person is telling me not to go to the ceremony today.

MAC: Delete it. It’s just some troll trying to get a rise out of you.

Mask uses his thumb to tap the SAVE option on the inbox menu.

Cankerton Municipal Building. Day. Mayor Grosscup comes to the podium before hundreds of citizens.

MAYOR GROSSCUP: Good afternoon and welcome to yet another “Like A Boss” honorary citizen ceremony. It is my great honor to be here today on this wonderful occasion— MAN: (OS) You suck, Grosscup!

WOMAN: (OS) Money Launderer!

MAN: (OS) Fraudster!

MAYOR GROSSCUP: (heated) Come up here on stage, pal! I’ll kick your ass!

MAN: (OS) How about you and your corrupt family get out of Cankerton!?

Councilman Jerry Cogoggle comes to the podium, puts his hand over the mic and whispers to the mayor. Grosscup bobs his head and smiles again. Cogoggle takes his seat.

MAYOR GROSSCUP: I guess we had you all fooled. (laughs) That little shouting match we just had was scripted. Just an appetizer before the main event.

MAC: (OS) Your family’s jewelry business is a front for organized crime!

MAYOR GROSSCUP: (keeps smiling) And without further a due, I give you the Masked Bastard.

The crowd cheers as Mask comes to the podium.

19

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Thank you. (clears throat) I’m not much of a public speaker, unless I’m in the pulpit.

Citizens laugh.

MASK: I’m sure many of you still have questions about who I am and what I do.

Citizens begin checking their mobile devices.

MASK: (OS) For those of you who do know, feel free to enlighten your neighbors about the Holy Father Church and the importance of free information.

Murmurs sweep the crowd. More people check their cell phones.

MASK: It is the Internet that gives us access to free information…

Grosscup checks his mobile device. He scrolls down the newsfeed. He taps the screen to select the Direct Debacle webpage. He looks up at the Arch Bishop at the podium.

MAYOR GROSSCUP: Oh my God. COGOGGLE: Your Honor, we have to get him out of here.

MAYOR GROSSCUP: Wait, Jerry. It could be a hoax.

MASK: …but there are those who would taint the information… (observes crowd) …and…

MAN: (OS) And what, you monster?!

WOMAN: (OS) Taint the Web like you taint innocent children?!

Jeers and boos flood the crowd. Grosscup and Cogoggle get up and come to the podium.

MAYOR GROSSCUP: Now, now. Everybody relax. Calm down.

MAN: (OS) Child predator!

WOMAN: (OS) Pedophile!

MAN: (OS) Masked Kiddie Diddler!

Mask quickly leaves the stage with his Bishops.

Back stage, Mask meets with Mac and Marge.

MARGE: What the hell just happened out there?

SADIE: (holds up cell phone) This.

MARGE: No way.

MAC: Your Grace, we have to get you out of here.

SADIE: Yeah. I smell a riot brewing.

MASK: Agreed. Mac, pull the Argentum around back.

MAC: Yes, Your Grace.

Back of City Hall.

The Argentum pulls out and passes angry citizens throwing everything from vegetables, balled up ceremony flyers and even sex toys. A large brown dildo smacks into the window Sadie sits near. A black rubber diamond shaped object with a suction cup base is stuck to the windshield.

MAC: (squints) Is that a butt plug?!

20

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS

RAUNCH HQ. Linz gets out of a yellow Crap-E Cab and pays the driver.

Linz enters Okie’s office.

LINZ: What the hell was that, Al?!

Okie is laid back in his office chair, smoking a cigar.

OKIE: Progress.

LINZ: He’s not a pedophile and you know it!

OKIE: Well, according to the good people of Cankerton, he is. (gets up) Now, we have to think about expanding Albert Okie Ministries.

LINZ: A man’s livelihood is on the line!

OKIE: I totally agree with you. For too long my video production company has languished in the shadows of your Arch Bishop’s Social Media Sin-Den. LINZ: We’re done, Albert.

OKIE: (flashes cash) Am I to understand that you need a new engine for your van?

Linz shuts his eyes.

OKIE: You’ve paid off all of your gambling debts, but now you have no vehicle. I’m offering you five grand of the two million you’ll get. Take it and fix your van. Go on vacation. Disappear.

LINZ: (opens eyes) If you can do that to the Masked Bastard, what’s to stop you from doing the same to me?

OKIE: Linzy, we’re on the same team.

LINZ: What team?

OKIE: The Anglo-Saxon God-fearing Christian team.

LINZ: You assume too much.

OKIE: Look, that black bastard is finished. Cankerton and Fale County belong to us.

Linz leaves. Okie smiles and takes a puff of his cigar.

Outside of RAUNCH HQ. Pia and Dagon watch Linz get into the cab and take off.

PIA: See what I mean?

DAGON: This better work, Cardinal.

PIA: I know my creation very well. He’ll show his true colors under pressure.

DAGON: You’ve said that before about him.

PIA: Things are different this time. He doesn’t know why this is happening to him. He’ll begin to second guess himself. He’ll question his abilities to run the Church. Once he leaves the faith behind, he’s open game. Then we can use him to destroy those accursed Sages!

DAGON: Big talk from a cleric who got his ass handed to him by his own creation.

21

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS PIA: This time I won’t fail you, my lord.

DAGON: You’re boring me.

PIA: The Masked Bastard will founder.

Dagon leaves Pia’ without a word.

Holy Father Church.

The Bishops are in the Sanctuary gathered around Denizen Mouse is at a PC near the pulpit.

MOUSE: It says here that “religious terrorist” Masked Bastard has been in an “immoral” and “illicit” secret relationship with an “innocent” and “pure” under aged Caucasian girl that he lured into his “occult congregation” via open chat rooms online.

They all look to Sadie.

SADIE: Don’t look at me. I’m legal.

MOUSE: It also says that he is the mastermind behind a massive child pornography ring.

MAC: That’s bullshit.

MAGDA: Doesn’t really matter now.

MARGE: Yeah. The people are eating it up.

MOUSE: Mac, you may want to get started on that lawsuit against the Debacle.

Mac leaves.

MOUSE: Mags, get on the horn over at the radio station. Let our listeners know the Church isn’t going to take this laying down.

Magda leaves.

MOSUE: Sadie, go check on the Arch Bishop.

Arch Bishop’s Domain.

Sadie finds Mask near an old wooden podium with his back to her.

SADIE: You okay?

MASK: This is why I don’t like being around people.

SADIE: Not all people are like those fools at the ceremony.

MASK: One minute they love you and the next they want to lynch you.

Sadie goes around and faces him; she embraces him with her head against his chest.

SADIE: Now do you see why I want to run away with you?

Mask’s gloved hand comes up and gently strokes her habit-covered head.

Garage of the Lulzwagen.

Mac looks at the burnt out Lulzwagen engine. His cell phone rings. Mac puts it to his ear.

MAC: Yeah. (puts tools away) Judge Blumberg. (listens) Sure, I’ll be there.

22

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Cankerton Courthouse. Blumberg’s Chambers.

BLUMBUERG: How you been Frank?

MAC: In light of the recent allegations against Arch Bishop, okay.

BLUMBUERG: I’ve got information that you may not like.

MAC: I can deal.

BLUMBUERG: Your fellow Bishop Linzy Mondello has been meeting with Pastor Okie.

MAC: No way. What would he be doing with that scumbag?

Blumberg shows Mac photo print outs of the Lulzwagen in front of RAUNCH HQ. MAC: How do I know these weren’t manipulated?

BLUMBUERG: They’re from a camera phone.

MAC: Who sent you these?

BLUMBUERG: They came from an email account with the RAUNCH website. I’ll send you the full JPEG files later on. And guess what else? Pastor Okie just recently announced that he’s expanding his ministry’s video production distribution.

MAC: Now it makes sense. Linzy sold out the Masked Bastard to pay his debts.

BLUMBUERG: Let’s not jump to conclusions here, Frank.

MAC: Are you kidding? His van just blew up. Okie has to be paying him for this.

BLUMBUERG: You and I both know that you have a temper. Don’t do anything stupid.

MAC: The only thing I’m going to do right now is take what I know to the Arch Bishop.

Mac leaves.

Cankerton Park. Day. A lowrider pulls in. Absurd gets out and meets with Linz.

ABSURD: Where you been, homie?

LINZ: My ride blew up. I just wanted to tell you I’m out.

ABSURD: Out? No, Mondello. Unacceptable.

LINZ: I can’t race anymore, Absurd.

ABSURD: Do you know how much cheddar you and I make in one night? Do you know many people show up to watch that little red van of yours smoke those youngsters? You’re a local celebrity, baby. And when you don’t race, I don’t get paid. And that’s not good for business.

LINZ: I’m broke.

Absurd hands Linz a wad of cash.

LINZ: Don’t tease me, man.

ABSURD: I ain’t teasin’. That should be enough to rebuild your entire block.

LINZ: (takes money) I’ll pay you back with interest.

ABSURD: The only thing I’m interested in is seeing that red van at my car meets. You just give me a cut of the stacks like you been doin’. (checks cell phone) I gotta run. Holla at me later.

23

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Linz smiles and looks at the money.

Garage. Night.

Mac enters and sees a brand new engine on the table. Linz approaches.

LINZ: You like it?

MAC: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

LINZ: Wanna help me put it in?

MAC: Where’d you get the money for this?

LINZ: A mutual friend.

MAC: A mutual friend?

LINZ: Yeah. Something wrong with burrowing money from a friend?

MAC: No. I think there’s something wrong when you’re more concerned about your van than the sex scandal the Arch Bishop is facing.

LINZ: There is no sex scandal. Okie’s just pissin’ his britches because our Church is growing.

MAC: How do you know Albert Okie is involved in this?

Linz notices that Mac is pissed.

LINZ: Something on your mind, R Mcgeddon?

MAC: No. (backs away) You go ahead and fix your little van.

Outside the Church Garage. Later.

Absurd closes the hood of the Lulzwagen. Linz starts the van. It’s running smoothly.

LINZ: Thanks for the help, Absurd.

ABSURD: It’s all good. (gets into his car) You just be at that car meet Saturday night.

LINZ: Listen. Can I leave my van at your place?

ABSURD: You know the address, homie.

Nearby.

Mac and Mask watch the newly repaired Lulzwagen pull out behind Absurd’s car.

MAC: Should we follow him?

MASK: Go get my van.

Mac pumps his fist and leaves.

Cankerton Park. Much later.

Mask and Mac sit in the Argetum. Across the way, Linz is seated on a picnic table drinking a can diet cola and puffing on a nice thick cigar.

MASK: This doesn’t prove anything, Mac. MAC: Blumberg showed me photos of the Lulzwagen at RAUNCH Headquarters.

24

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: This is his usual nightly routine. He buys a six pack of diet cola, cruises town to shake down a few hookers and then he ends up here either smoking a joint or a cheap cigar.

MAC: Tonight it’s a stogie.

MASK: I thought a stogie was a really heavy boot.

MAC: Well, I’d like to put my really heavy boot in his traitor ass.

MASK: I’ve seen enough, Mac. Take me back to the Church.

MAC: (points) Your Grace, look!

A car pulls up beside the Lulzwagen.

MAC: It’s Albert Okie! I know it!

Captain MeGusta gets out of his unmarked unit and joins Linz.

MAC: So the cops are in on this too!

MASK: You’re making this up as you go and you’re boring me.

MAC: Your Lordship…

MASK: Back to the Church, Bishop.

Mac starts the van.

Car meet. Night.

Linz finishes another race. He gets out of the Lulzwagen as people gather around him.

Absurd joins Linz. Linz gives a portion of his winnings to Absurd.

LINZ: You seen Sadie and Becky?

ABSURD: They’re over by the jons.

Linz goes toward the potta pots. He sees Becky holding her cell phone, but no sign of Sadie.

OKIE: (OS) Congratulations.

Linz turns to Okie. Okie is in a trench coat with his hands behind back.

OKIE: You’re very popular around here.

LINZ: What the hell are you doing here, Al? OKIE: Just seeing what you do with your free time. (sees cash) You’re making a lot of money out here. I’m starting to think that my two million in cash isn’t good enough.

LINZ: You’re a cowardly little weasel!

OKIE: You knew this was coming, Mondello. You know how I work.

LINZ: Yes, I do. Which is why I’m telling the police everything.

OKIE: Tell them what you want. You still have to prove it in court.

LINZ: We have an attorney. He’s the best in Fale County.

OKIE: Who? That jarhead Mister Apocalypse?

LINZ: It’s “R Mcgeddon”, dumb shit.

OKIE: Ah, yes. Franklin Merrill Tower, the smart-tempered barracks lawyer who punched out a criminal defense attorney at a sentencing hearing. Don’t make me laugh.

25

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: I won’t. In fact, I intend to make you cry just like you did when your wife Hilda left you.

OKIE: I don’t know why you’re acting like you don’t need me, Linzy. But it’s okay. You’re going to screw up again and run out of money. And when you do, you come and see me.

LINZ: I’ll come and see you, all right. With the cops and a class action lawsuit!

OKIE: You know what I can do, Mondello. I can and will make you disappear. One day you’ll get into that little red van of yours and never get out of it again. I can see the headlines now.

‘Somebody tampered with the brakes’ or ‘it simply exploded upon ignition’. Think about that.

Okie leaves. Behind Linz, Sadie comes out of the potta pot adjusting her spanky pants.

BECKY: (covers nose) Geez, Sadie.

SADIE: That was so orgasmic. I’m about ten pounds lighter.

BECKY: Speaking of lighter, bring one with you next time so you can burn some incense.

Sadie and Becky meet with Linz. Linz looks at Sadie.

LINZ: Where the hell were you?

SADIE: I was…(eyes shift) Fixing my hair.

BECKY: She just took a huge dump.

SADIE: Becky!

BECKY: Oh, stop it. The entire county can smell what you just dropped in there.

Linz waits for Sadie and Becky to leave, before he goes over to the porta pot Sadie used and opens the door. He shuts the door and gags. A female spectator approaches the porta pot.

LINZ: Not if you want respiratory failure.

The female spectator moves away from the porta pot.

Asburd’s Garage. Night.

Linz closes the garage door and locks it.

MASK: (OS) That’s not like you.

Linz spins around and sees Masked Bastard standing there.

MASK: Hiding the Lulzwagen at a race promoter’s garage?

LINZ: Your Grace, it’s not what you think…

MASK: Come with me.

Linz walks with Mask.

LINZ: Where are we going?

MASK: We’re going for a spin in my brand new ride.

LINZ: Were you followed here?

MASK: Linzy, always remember one thing.

LINZ: What’s that?

MASK: I am the Masked your Bastard.

LINZ: Yes, Your Grace.

26

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: No matter what happens, no matter what people do or say to me, always look to The Most. For it is The Most that made me your Masked and personal Bastard.

LINZ: Yes, Your Lordship.

They get into Mask’s silver van and pull off.

MASK: Do you believe the things they say about me in the media?

LINZ: No way. They’re all lies.

MASK: Mac tells me you’ve been secretly meeting with Albert Okie.

LINZ: We’re old acquaintances. We used to drag race back in the day.

MASK: Do you think he’s behind these attacks on my character?

LINZ: I know how he is. I know how he works. And I know how we can bring him down.

MASK: I’m listening.

LINZ: His ex-wife, Hilda Okie.

MASK: You sure he hasn’t made her disappear?

LINZ: Albert wouldn’t off his wife. Too many people know her. They’d know it was him right away. He moved out here to get away from her and his skeletons. She’s got all the dirt on him.

Why he got kicked out of his own church. How she cleaned his clock in divorce court. Maybe even some of his online operations. If you find Hilda, you can shut Okie up.

MASK: Are you working for him?

Linz checks the passenger side rearview mirror.

LINZ: I thought you didn’t have a driver’s license.

MAKS: I don’t.

LINZ: Is this thing insured?

MASK: Nope.

Behind the van, a squad car puts on its flashers.

LINZ: Perfect.

Mask pulls over. The patrolman gets out and knocks on the driver side window.

Mask puts the window down.

MASK: Good evening, officer. I am the Masked your Bastard.

PATROLMAN: License and registration. And take off the mask.

MASK: I don’t have a license or registration, officer.

The patrolman sees Linz on the passenger side.

PATROLMAN: You okay, sir?

MASK: He’s fine. He’s one of my Bishops and I’m taking him back to the Church.

PATROLMAN: Step out of the van, sir.

Mask leans over to Linz while he undoes his seat belt.

MASK: When you see me removing my mask, close your eyes.

LINZ: Why? 27

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Because I need you to remember everything you did in the last 12 hours.

Mask gets out and faces the officer.

PATROLMAN: You had anything to drink?

MASK: Yes. PATROLMAN: What?

MASK: Spring water. Distilled. Eighty-nine cents a gallon at the local dollar market.

PATROLMAN: Don’t get cute with me.

MASK: My apologies, officer.

PATROLMAN: And I thought I told you to take off that damned mask.

MASK: The mask is for your protection.

PATROLMAN: From what?

MASK: From me.

PATROLMAN: (grins) Oh, I know who you are. You’re that bishop who likes molesting kids.

MASK: You believe everything the media tells you?

PATROLMAN: I believe I told you to take off that mask, Arch Bishop.

Mask bobs his head and puts his gloved hands to his head. Linz sees this, shuts his eyes and covers them with his hands. Mask lifts his face plate away and visage-flashes the officer.

The officer’s face is a blank page. Mask pads him on the shoulder.

MASK: Have a good evening, officer.

Mask gets into the silver van and pulls away. When the van is a good distance away, the officer comes to. He looks around before he gets into his car and drives away.

Cankerton Courthouse. Day. Mac meets with Blumberg in the courtroom. Mac shows Blumberg the newspaper.

BLUMBERG: You can sue for libel and slander. But it might not be enough to keep the media off the Chruch’s front lawn.

MAC: Albert Okie is doing this. He wants to bring down our leader.

BLUMBERG: You know how this racket works, Frank. Bring evidence and you can prosecute.

MAC: I oughta load my rifle, go over to Raunch Headquarters and have a chat with Okie.

BLUMBERG: Then Okie wins and Cankerton will lose its only decent attorney.

MAC: Those pricks over at Direct Debacle should be jailed and that entire tabloid testicle shut down. The Arch Bishop is honorable. They don’t know what he’s done for Fale County.

BLUMBERG: They don’t know and they don’t care. They print whatever sells newspapers.

MAC: It’s not right. And Linzy should be ashamed of himself for working with Okie.

BLUMBERG: Take it easy, Frank.

MAC: I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

BLUMBERG: You’re a lawyer and a Bishop, not a vigilante.

28

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAC: I’m starting to think being a vigilante is the only way to get straight answers.

BLUMBERG: Go rouge if you want. But don’t bring that street justice crap into my courtroom.

Mac leaves in a huff.

RAUNCH HQ. Okie’s garage.

Okie is working under the hood of his gold sport-van. Someone approaches from behind and grabs him. Okie is flung into the work table and grabbed up again by Mr. R Mcgeddon.

OKIE: My lawyers are going to love this, Frank.

MAC: (shoves Okie) Only my friends call me Frank.

OKIE: How’d you get in here?

MAC: Soldier’s secret. I’m here to tell you to lay off the Arch Bishop.

OKIE: Or what?

MAC: Do you really want me to come back here again?

OKIE: Yes. Please do. I’ll have my men armed and ready.

Mac takes out his sidearm, grabs Okie by the shirt and puts the gun under Okie’s chin.

OKIE: Take it easy, Frank.

MAC: I don’t give a shit about your pansy-ass goons. You mess with me and I’ll level this entire complex with you under it.

OKIE: My beef is with the Masked Bastard, not you.

MAC: The Masked Bastard is my friend. You mess with him. You mess with me.

OKIE: Your friends. How close are you with Linzy Mondello?

Mac lowers the gun a bit.

OKIE: You know like I know that he has his hand in this too.

Mac releases Okie and moves away from him.

OKIE: He came to me asking for money to pay his debts. So I told him, “If you turn over on the Arch Bishop, I’ll give you two million in cash.” And guess what? He jumped at it quicker than a Downtown Cankerton call girl.

MAC: You’re a liar.

OKIE: Ask him. See what he says to you. You won’t get an honest answer out of him because he’s trying to save his own neck. (holds out arms) You wanna shoot me, shoot me. Defend your Arch Bishop’s honor. You don’t want to believe me, but deep down inside, you know it’s true.

Mac puts his gun away and leaves.

Linz sees Denizen Mouse going out of the Arch Bishop’s office.

LINZ: Computer trouble?

MOUSE: Nah. Just updating the Arch Bishop’s security settings.

LINZ: Another stalker?

29

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MOUSE: Somebody named ‘mizzhill114’ keeps sending him urgent messages, but he’s afraid to open them because of the virus risk.

Linz follows Mouse to the Arch Bishop’s desk.

MOUSE: Once I upload this patch, it’ll be “so long, mizzhill”.

LINZ: Miss Hill? (laughs) That’s random.

MOUSE: Well, not really. Must people use screen names that relate to real-time info that they use daily. So “mizzhill” can be a variation of her real name or a nickname.

LINZ: And this person has been pestering the Arch Bishop?

MOUSE: Yeah. For a few weeks now. You know, it’s funny. This mizzhill person sent a message to the Arch Bishop the day that child-molestation story ran. It was right before he went to the ceremony with the mayor. If that’s not a stalker, I don’t know what is.

Linz is like a statue; his wheels are turning.

LINZ: Miss Hill. One-one four. That’s it!

Linz sits down and pulls up the keyboard.

MOUSE: What are you doing?

LINZ: She’s was trying to warn him. (types) Look! Her screen name ID light is on.

MOUSE: You’re gonna chat with that psycho?

LINZ: Oh, she’s no psycho. She’s trying to help us.

Linz opens a new chat window using Masked Bastard’s screen name. mb2522: mizzhill? r u there?

They wait a few seconds. The messenger response chime rings. mizzhill114: yes mb2522: this is linzy mondello mizzhill114: hello linz mizzhill114: r u alone?

MOUSE: You know this person?

LINZ: Go get the Arch Bishop.

MOUSE: He’s out with Mac. LINZ: Well, get him back here!

Mouse leaves the office. Linz continues typing. mb2522: is albert behind the child molestation story? mizzhill114: yes he is mizzhill114: linz mizzhill114: theres something else about albert u must know…

30

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Linz stares at the screen in unbelief. He grows angry and leaves.

The Lulzwagen pulls out of the Church garage and speeds off.

Nearby, the Arch Bishop’s silver microbus starts up and follows.

Parking Lot. Mask and Mac watch Linz speed walk into RAUNCH HQ. MAC: See? I told you he’s a traitor.

MASK: We have to get back to the Church before he does.

The Argentum hangs a U-turn and goes the opposite way.

Okie’s Office.

Okie pours himself a drink. He hears the door shut.

He turns and is shoved in the liquor cabinet.

Linz grabs Okie by the shirt and holds him against the wall.

LINZ: You son of bitch! You set me up!

OKIE: What are you talking about? I’m on your side.

LINZ: Your ex-wife. Hilda told me everything, you little troll!

OKIE: Hilda?! She’s dead!

LINZ: She’s alive, Al. She was on our chat server.

Okie pulls away from Linz.

LINZ: She told me everything. Why’d you do it?

Okie goes over to his desk and sits down.

OKIE: I don’t even know myself. I guess I enjoy it.

LINZ: Enjoy it!?! They’re kids, man!

OKIE: Hey, every man has his flaws. (stands up) I guess you must think I’m really raunchy. But you, Mondello. You’re righteous. You couldn’t be dishonest if you were paid to.

Okie opens the suitcase of cash.

OKIE: But this is what I can offer in return for your silence.

Linz bobs his head. He pulls the suitcase over toward him.

LINZ: You’re right. Every man has his flaws.

Okie comes over to Linz with a cigar. Linz takes the cigar and puts it into his mouth LINZ: Got a light?

Okie takes out a lighter.

LINZ: Thanks.

Linz quickly sucker punches Okie in the gut. After Okie crumples to the floor, Linz pulls out a small bottle of lighter fluid. He sprinkles lighter fluid on the cash.

31

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Yeah, I have my flaws. (ignites lighter) But my loyalties far outweigh my imperfections.

Linz drops the lighter into the suitcase. The currency goes up in flames.

Linz lights his cigar on the tip of the burning suitcase and leaves.

LINZ: See you around, Al. Cankerton Park.

Linz is on top of a picnic table drinking a diet cola.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: (OS) Rough night?

Linz belches and throws the soda can.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: That’s littering.

The can lands in a recycle bin nearby.

LINZ: Not dash cam, no evidence.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: We’re on your side, Linzy.

LINZ: Your men could be on Okie’s payroll.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: They’re not anymore. I’ve cleaned house.

LINZ: You can’t guarantee that.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: We can take Okie down. Legit.

LINZ: (gets up) I’m going to tell the Arch Bishop everything.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Don’t do anything crazy.

LINZ: (leaves) Too late for that, Captain.

Church. Garage.

Linz gets out of the Lulzwagen and shuts the door. When he turns toward the door, he is stuck in the face. Linz goes down and Mac grabs him up.

LINZ: What are you doing?!

MAC: Shut up!

Mac holds Linz down as Mask, Misty, Mouse and Marge enter.

Mac gets up and takes out his gun.

LINZ: What’s going on?

MAC: Shut up! (points) Don’t you say another word.

Mask stands before Linz with his arms folded.

MAC: Now, the Arch Bishop is going ask you some questions…

LINZ: (gets to his knees) What is this?!

MAC: Stay down!

Linz notices that the other Bishops are pissed off.

MAC: Now, His Grace has some questions for you. If you don’t answer them honestly, I swear to The Most, I’m going to kill you right here, right now. (looks Mask) 32

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Are you working for Albert Okie?

Linz drops his head. Mac cocks the hammer. The Bishops await his reply.

LINZ: Yes. MAC: Son of a bitch!

MASK: Put the gun away, Mac. MAC: He’s a traitor, Your Grace!

MASK: (points) Put it away.

Mac holsters his sidearm.

Mask kneels before Linz.

MASK: You’re facing excommunication.

LINZ: I know.

MASK: Then why did you do it?

LINZ: (looks up) To protect you.

MAC: Bullshit!

MASK: Be quiet, Mac. MAC: He’s a damn liar!

MASK: (turns head to Mac) Be quiet. (turns back to Linz) How were you protecting me?

Linz spits blood on the floor and wipes his lip.

LINZ: Albert Okie’s running a massive child pornography ring in Cankerton. He was going to pay me two million dollars to help him make you look like a pedophile.

MASK: Did you take the money?

LINZ: (exhales) No. MASK: Then why did you go there tonight?

LINZ: I went there to confront him about what he was trying to do to us.

MASK: Us? LINZ: After Okie was done smearing you, he and his men were going to pin the whole thing on me. They were going to tell the cops that the child porn sites were all my idea, and that I got you to use your position and influence to run the whole thing.

MAC: You let him keep the money?

LINZ: No. I burned it.

MOUSE: You burned it?!

LINZ: Okie’s ex-wife told me everything on the chat server.

MASK: Ex-wife?

LINZ: Yes. Hilda. She was using the screen name “mizzhill114”. The numbers are the month and day of her divorce from Okie. She’s been trying to contact you so she could help you.

MASK: I took her for another stalker.

33

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Hilda told me everything Okie was planning to do before he left his hometown. The kiddie porn ring is the reason he got thrown out of the church he started. The chair people over at RAUNCH are all in on it. So I went over, poured lighter fluid on the cash and burned it.

MAC: You burned two million in cash?

LINZ: Well, some of it.

MAC: You really are crazy.

MASK: Why didn’t you just take the money?

LINZ: (eyes Mac) Because I’m no traitor.

Mac lowers his eyes.

LINZ: (to Mask) And my loyalty to the Church and to my Arch Bishop are more valuable than Albert Okie’s dirty, dishonest, child-molester money.

MASK: (stands) Let him up.

Linz stands up and faces Mac, who can’t look Linz in the face.

LINZ: You feel bad?

MAC: Yeah.

LINZ: Good.

Linz slugs Mac in the face. But the towering Bishop’s head only jerks a bit.

Mac realizes that Linz is pissed off.

MAC: (bobs head) I deserve that.

Linz walks away.

Okie’s office. Night.

Okie is at his desk. A group of men in army fatigues stand before him.

OKIE: You men used to work for Colonel Fishmeal. But now you work for me. You are no longer soldiers in a military, but Crusaders for Almighty God. You will hunt down that balding, pot-toking, Scooby van-driving, hippie reject and smoke him like Cuban cigar.

OKIE GOON: We’ve already fixed his van, pastor. We won’t need any guns.

OKIE: Good. You have done the Lord’s will.

The men leave the office. Okie looks at his burnt money on top of his liquor cabinet.

Arch Bishop’s Office.

Mask is behind his desk with his cellphone to his ear.

Sadie is sitting on his lap scrolling through her selfies on his computer.

MASK: Hilda Okie? This is the Masked Bastard. How are you? Good. Listen, how soon can you come to Cankerton? Really? Wow. You don’t waste any time. We need to get together and meet with Police Captain Miguel MeGusta. Okay. Sounds good. Thank you.

34

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Mask puts his cell phone. Sadie turns to him with a grin.

SADIE: Bene-dick-tion?

MASK: Ya damn skippy. On the desk.

SADIE: Wait. (leaves) I have to pee.

MASK: Hurry up.

Church Garage. Night.

Linz is under the hood of the Lulzwagen.

Mac approaches with his tool box.

MAC: Hey. Mac sits his tool box on the worktable.

MAC: Look. Uh…I feel really bad about what I did.

Linz keeps working without a word.

MAC: I made judgments about you without hearing you out or knowing the entire story. Now, as a soldier and veteran, I have my pride. But as a human being, I must apologize for my rash and thoughtless actions. I’m sorry for what I did to you and for what I thought about you. And from one Lord Bishop to another, I hope that you can forgive me.

Linz comes from under the hood and smiles.

LINZ: Of course I forgive you. (they shake on it) We are Bishops of Bastard. And as Lord Bishops under His Grace, we are brothers. And brothers should always forgive. (turns away) Now. Let’s crank this betty up and see if we can’t make her nastier than Sadie’s used spanky pants.

MAC: Ooh. Now that’s deadly.

Outside the garage.

Dagon turns to Pia with a smirk.

PIA: What the hell happened?! He was ready to kill that bald fool!

DAGON: You underestimate the power of human reconciliation.

PIA: It doesn’t make sense.

DAGON: Not to a downy fool like you. But don’t worry. Your plan may still work.

Pia mumbles to himself and walks away.

Car meet. Night.

Sadie and Becky hand out Church tracts.

Absurd joins Mask and Mac. ABSURD: Yo, somebody broke into my garage last night.

MAC: Was the Lulzwagen there?

ABSURD: Nah. It was gone when I got there.

35

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Then we have nothing to worry about.

Linz pulls up to the starting line.

Sadie and Becky are both wearing spanky pants that read: I ♥ ANAL. SADIE: Ready?

BECKY: Set? SADIE & BECKY: Go! The cars shoot off down the strip. Linz lets the cars get a good distance away.

LINZ: Show time.

He hits the nitrous button, but the Lulzwagen doesn’t speed up.

Instead, it pipes black smoke from the rear.

LINZ: Not good, not good.

Linz pulls off the track and gets out. He sees the other cars in the distance.

Church Garage. Later.

Mask, Linz, and Mac watch Misty and Mouse check on the Lulzwagen.

Absurd only stares jaw-dropped at the giant animals as they work.

Misty approaches with a spark plug with a wire attached to it.

MISTY: (electrolarynx) The 02 sensory was tampered with.

MAC: Causing the issue with the exhaust pipe prior to the muffler.

MASK: Way to use those compound eyes, Misty.

MISTY: (electrolarynx) Thank you, Your Grace.

Mouse comes forth with burnt pieces of paper.

MOUSE: I found this shoved in the tail pipes.

MASK: What is it?

Mouse puts the burn shavings under his large pointed snout. His wet, pink nose twitches.

MOUSE: (sniffs) It’s light-weight paper. (sniffs) Possibly from a giant roll.

LINZ: Giant roll?

MASK: Yeah. A factory roll. You know. What Sadie uses to wipe her ass.

MOUSE: High levels of C02…I’m picking up bark, (sniffs) harvest residuals, and other byproducts of the manufacturing process. Traces of polymer and high-end printing ink.

MASK: All of that paper made the Lulzwagen burn out?

MOUSE: No way. This paper was burned before it was stuffed in there.

MAC: Manufactured, light weight paper? High-end ink? I don’t get it.

ABSURD: I do Absurd takes a piece of burnt paper and holds it up.

ABSURD: See that?

They look closely at the burnt fragment.

36

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAC: I don’t see anything.

MASK: I do. Looks like an oval design of some type.

MISTY: (electrolarynx) It’s an eyeball.

Absurd shows them a few more burnt pieces.

ABSURD: Here’s the other eye. The mouth. The other half of the face. The Note Number, the Federal Seal and the Series Date. Gentlemen, please say hello to Mister Ben Franklin.

MOUSE: It’s money.

MAC: Somebody stuffed burn money into Linz’s tailpipe?

LINZ: It’s Okie. I burned his money, so he gave it to me in spades.

Rapid gun fire rings out.

Mac pushes the Arch Bishop to the floor, gets out his twin cannons and runs head-long outside.

Misty flies out to joint Mac. Gunfire stops. Men are heard screaming.

Mac and Misty come back inside.

MAC: Those were Okie’s goons.

ASBURD: That old man must be on some serious gangsta type shit.

MASK: No. He and his men are on some punk-bitch shit.

LINZ: Well, hell. I’d haul ass too if a giant wasp came flyin’ at me.

MOUSE: We gotta stop this leak, Your Grace. We need a plan.

MISTY: (electrolarynx) Yes, Your Grace. What’s the plan?

MASK: We have a guest arriving soon. But we need Okie and his goons preoccupied while me and the police captain get together. Absurd, we need for you to arrange one final race.

ABSURD: With who?

MASK: Linzy and Pastor Okie.

LINZ: (smiles) When and where?

Wastelands. Day. Linz leans on the driver side fender with his arms folded. A loud vehicle is heard approaching.

A gold sport-van pulls up across from Linz. Out steps Albert Okie. Linz meets with him.

OKIE: Ready to do this?

LINZ: I thought you didn’t race anymore.

OKIE: Well, what can I say? You convinced me.

LINZ: What convinced you to start shagging 13-year-old boys?

OKIE: Come on, now. I don’t just shag boys. I’m no faggot.

LINZ: You engage in sex acts with underage children and sell the videos online. Is that your great legacy, Al? Huh? Is that the crux of Albert Okie Ministries?

OKIE: We don’t just do kiddie porn. There’s bestiality, torture, sexual slavery.

LINZ: What happened to you, Al? 37

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS OKIE: What happened to you? Twenty years ago you wouldn’t be taught dead in a church.

LINZ: People change.

OKIE: Oh, you changed, all right. We were cut from the same cloth. And what do you do? You take sides with that black bastard. You’re a traitor to your race and your country.

LINZ: At what point in your life did you lose your humanity and become a total scumbag?

OKIE: Well, I think I’ve always been a scumbag.

LINZ: Look, if you want me, come for me. Leave my fellow Bishops out of this.

OKIE: As long as you’re around them, they’ll be in the crosshairs with you.

LINZ: Okay then. Let’s make a deal. We race for what we want. When I win the race, you have to back off of the Arch Bishop and the Congregation. Then you leave Cankerton.

OKIE: And when I win, well—I’ll leave it up to your imagination.

Okie looks to the Lulzwagen.

OKIE: Who’s that in your van?

LINZ: Insurance.

OKIE: An insurance agent?

LINZ: No. I said insurance.

OKIE: Insurance for what?

LINZ: So you won’t try to wreck me.

OKIE: Let’s do this.

LINZ: We start over at the light. First one past the custard stand down the road is the winner.

Okie heads to his sport-van. He pulls out his cell phone and dials.

OKIE: It’s me. Whether or not I win the race, when Mondello passes your position, you release the bird from the cage.

Behind the custard stand.

One of Okie’s goons has a shoulder-fired missile launcher ready.

OKIE GOON: Copy that.

Linz gets into the Lulzwagen. He dials a number on his cell phone hooked to the dashboard.

MASK: (on phone) Yeah?

LINZ: I’m in position.

MASK: (on phone) Good.

LINZ: I wish you would tell me what the plan is.

MASK: (on phone) Like I told you before. Once you pass the next light, you fall back.

LINZ: So you’re saying, let Okie win the race?

MASK: (on phone) Exactly.

LINZ: You’d better be right.

38

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: (on phone) Linzy, what did I tell you to remember?

LINZ: That you are the Masked my Bastard.

MASK: (on phone) Then behave like it. See you at the crash site (hangs up) LINZ: Crash site?

Linz looks to the person on the passenger side.

LINZ: Hang on. This’ll be over shortly.

The vans pull up to the white line of the intersection. They rev up when the opposite light turns yellow, and then turns red. At the green light, both vans take off. Okie’s gold sport-does a wicked wheelie as it takes off and picks up speed quickly.

The microbus is ahead of the sport-van, but Okie is gaining. Linz sees the gold van gaining in his rearview. He flips up the panel on the Nitrous button and hits it. The microbus leaves Okie behind. Linz sees another intersection followed by a custard stand coming up.

Okie grins and lifts the drink holder between the front bucket seats. He turns the wheel-like hand values on two giant nitrous tanks. He flips a panel on the dash to reveal a NOS button.

OKIE: You blew your wad too early, Mondello!

Okie hits the button and the sport-van blasts away. Linz sees the sport-van gaining. Linz lets off the throttle. The intersection is moments away. The light facing them turns red. Linz slams on his brakes. But Okie flies through the intersection at top speed… …and slams head-on into a silver microbus as it pulls out. Okie’s van goes into a violent fishtail and then a vicious barrel roll. Linz watches Okie’s gold van tumble down the pavement with blue nitrous flames still shooting from the tailpipes. The sport-van rolls to a stop on its roof.

Okie’s van stops about a quarter mile shy of the custard stand. Masked Bastard gets out of the wrecked silver microbus unharmed. He jumps onto the roof of the Lulzwagen and hitches a ride to where Okie wiped out. Okie kicks the driver side door open.

The Lulzwagen pulls up. Linz gets out and Mask jumps down from the roof. Okie’s got blood on his face and shirt, but he’s not gravely injured. Mask reaches down, grabs Okie up and props him up against the overturned van.

MASK: Greeting, Pastor Okie. I am the Masked your Bastard.

OKIE: Don’t touch me, you black bastard!

MASK: You’re in a whole realm of shit.

OKIE: You got nothing on me, hubcap face.

MASK: That’s where you’re wrong.

Linz approaches with a folder in hand.

LINZ: Here are the files linking you and RAUNCH to the kiddie porn sites.

OKIE: You think you can threaten me? If you do anything to smear my ministry, I’ll end you!

LINZ: You’ll kill me, Okie? Is that what you’re saying?

39

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: I’ll kill you and anybody who gets in my way just like I killed my ex-wife.

LINZ: Well, I hope have a good defense tram. Because the cops heard everything you just said.

OKIE: You’re bluffing.

LINZ: (shows wire) I’m afraid not, Al. (speaks to hidden mic) All right, Captain. We’ve got him.

Okie’s face turns pale when Captain MeGusta’s unmarked unit pulls up.

OKIE: First you’re spook-lover, now you’re a snitch?!

LINZ: You know I don’t like racism, Al. But where you’re going, there’ll be lots of male-on-male mud wrestling, smoke-jumping and plenty of interracial fudge packing.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: (applies cuffs) Albert Okie, you’re under arrest.

OKIE: Wait! (to Linz) I just gotta know. Who’s in the van?

MASK: Linzy, show your friend here who came to visit.

An elderly woman with white hair approaches.

OKIE: Hilda?!

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Would this be Hilda Okie, your ex-wife?

OKIE: But, you’re dead! I mean—you died in a car crash!

HILDA: I died in a crash? After someone tampered with my brakes? (to MeGusta) I’ll testify against him. Even if it means my life.

OKIE: Hildie! How could you?!

HILDA: Now, Albert. You don’t seriously think I set this whole thing up, do you?

Okie looks to Linz. Linz is smiling.

OKIE: You son of a bitch! You set me up!

MASK: Take him away, Captain.

CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Come on, Albert.

OKIE: I’ll get you for this, Mondello! You know what I can do! You’ll never be safe! Let me go!

I’m a preacher, god damn it! I’m a child of the Lord! I’m a good person! You rat bastards!

MASK: Let’s get back to the Church. We have a new member to induct.

Pia and Dagon watch from afar.

PIA: I can’t believe it. He risked his life for that pot-smoking moron.

DAGON: The Arch Bishop is noble and a true friend. Maybe you should be trying to get in his good graces as well.

PIA: You’re the one that said Okie was right for the job!

DAGON: And you banked on that pedophile when you clearly stated that the people of the city would bring the Arch Bishop down.

PIA: It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. What did I do wrong?

DAGON: You are an astonishing fool. (leaves) Maybe next time, Padre.

40

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS

Church. Misty’s Hive.

Blindfolded Becky carefully steps down into a pool of fresh honey in her bra and panties. She is led toward Misty by Masked Bastard. The other Bishops watching are all wearing their white ceremonial garb.

Misty takes a piece of honeycomb and smears it on Becky’s forehead. He takes Becky by the back of the head and her spinal column and carefully lowers her into the honey. He brings her back up drenched in honey. She removes the blindfold and screams her head off.

Mask moves her away from Misty toward the center of the honey pool.

BECKY: Oh my God! Is that a bee?! (gasps) Oh God! It’s friggin’ bee! I giant freakin’ bee!

MASK: Close your eyes.

BECKY: Why? MASK: If you don’t, you’ll get breakfast in them.

Becky shuts her eyes just before the Bishops begin flinging cereal at her. After Becky is coated with corn flakes and crispy rice, she opens her eyes.

MISTY: (electrolarynx) Behold, Our Lady Becky.

The Bishops clap and cheer while Becky begins eating the honey and cereal on her body.

Church Sanctuary.

All of the Bishops watch the news on a large plasma screen.

ANNOUNCER: And now, a special message from our own Mayor Grosscup.

MAYOR GROSSCUP: Good evening. Citizens of Cankerton, I few days ago, one of our most prominent citizens, an Arch Bishop, was ruthlessly attacked by the tabloid newspaper Direct Debacle. He was publicly humiliated and made out to be a monster without evidence and without mercy.

But thanks to Captain Miguel MeGusta and the Cankerton Police Department, a vigorous investigation has revealed that the slanderous story written about the Arch Bishop was a atrocious, religiously motivated hit-job on his character and his ministry orchestrated by Internet evangelist and R.A.U.N.C.H. chairperson Albert Okie, the true mastermind behind a massive child pornography ring here in Fale County.

Okie is now in police custody and is being charged with a number of crimes for his role in this scheme. So I give this message to the Arch Bishop: if you are watching, the City of Cankerton extends to you a formal apology. Please don’t leave our fair city for what one citizen chose to do. Your Social Media Church is so important to so many people. Let us continue to work together so that my next term in office will be a great one.

SADIE: Can you believe the balls on this rat bastard?

BECKY: Still trying to solicit campaign funding from the Arch Bishop.

41

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAC: What do you say, Your Grace? Do you accept that apology?

But Mask only leaves without a single word.

Invisibase.

Jolen and Pia watch Masked Bastard walk down the hallway of the Church.

JOLEN: Now do you see why I selected him?

PIA: Oh, please. He was ready to cry when he walked off that stage.

JOLEN: But he stayed strong through the entire ordeal.

PIA: That still doesn’t prove anything.

JOLEN: It proves, Cardinal, that you fear the Arch Bishop more than I do. You seek to control him through duress and coercion. I give him the free will to choose, just like I did you.

PIA: Free will is an illusion and you know it. He’s trapped on earth and his powers have been limited. You keep him at a safe distance, for if he is too close, he sees through the veil of lies.

JOLEN: You must first believe your own lies, Dindar.

PIA: Don’t call me that. That naive young Bishop that you once controlled is gone.

JOLEN: You know what the sad thing is? Dagon has convinced you that I am your enemy.

PIA: You are. Any father who promises his heir the throne and then denies it to him in his time is not a parent at all. I long for the day when Chaos and Havoc enter into this city and destroy you and your accursed brother and sister. That is what I have been convinced of.

JOLEN: Then know this. My death will not bring you peace or the throne you so covet. You cannot kill me without also killing a part of yourself. Once I am gone, your ties to this realm and your chances for redemption are gone as well.

PIA: I will find a way to destroy you, just as the prophecy says.

JOLEN: Your time is up.

Pia stands there for a moment. He scoffs with a head nod and leaves.

Jolen turns back to the image and sees the Arch Bishop entering the…

Church Garage.

Mask finds Linz packing up the last of his luggage.

MASK: So you’re really leaving us?

LINZ: You guys will never be safe from Okie’s goons.

MASK: We can protect you, Linzy. You know that.

LINZ: I just need some time away. You know? To clear my head.

Church lawn.

Mask walks with Linz to the idling Lulzwagen by the road.

MASK: Where will you go?

42

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: I don’t know. Maybe take a little road trip.

MASK: You’re always welcome here, Mondello.

LINZ: Thank you, Arch Bishop. But, you’ve got a new convert to tend to now. Hilda’s working with the police to put Okie away and your name has been cleared. My job here is done.

MASK: Very well.

Mask holds out his hand, but Linz hugs the Arch Bishop.

LINZ: Goodbye, Your Grace.

Linz gets into the Lulzwagen and pulls off.

MASK: Goodbye, Lord Bishop.

The red microbus moves further down the road.

MASK: Go with the Sages. Go forth in the name of The Most.

Mask turns from the road and heads back to the Church.

After the credits…

The Lulzwagen speeds past a sign that says: WELCOME TO MEMEVILLE. He spots two girls at roadside with the hood of their car up. Linz pulls over.

Both girls are wearing short-shorts, bikini tops and flip-flops.

LINZ: Problem, ladies?

GIRL 1: We’re on our way to a car meet in Memeville.

GIRL 2: But our piece-of-crap car broke down.

GIRL 1: Care to give us a lift in your little red van?

Linz only smiles at the girls and winks at us.

43

Linzy Mondello is at a hotel in Memeville. He thinks about his last words to Arch Bishop Masked Bastard before leaving the Church. Outside, a bunch of armed hit men prepare to storm Mondello's hotel room. Linzy senses this and moves to the rear of his room. When the hit men break into the room, Linzy is already gone. Back at R.A.U.N.C.H. Headquarters, the chairmen have a meeting. On screen is a slideshow about Linzy Mondello.

Linzy continues his travels south on Super Highway 69. He meets hot girls and packs them in his microbus. Meanwhile, representatives for R.A.U.N.C.H. give the Memeville Police wanted posters of Mondello. At another motel, Mondello goes downstairs to get ice. He spots the Memeville police in the lobby. He quickly slips out back, gets into the Lulzwagen and vanishes.

Linzy stops at a burger stand where he orders a burger, fries and a diet cola. He sees his wanted poster on a peg board. Then he spots a big booty cutie nearby, whom he takes for a ride in his microbus. The cutie turns out to be an undercover cop; she shows him a set of handcuffs and gestures for him to pullover. Linzy smiles and shows her a tube of lubricant.

As the undercover officer goes to cuff Linzy, the passenger side door opens and her seat rumbles before she is ejected into a cow pasture, face down in manure. Linzy continues driving until he comes to a trailer park. As he pays for his unit with cash, he sees a tricked out car enter through the gate. Later that night, Linzy waits for the race car to leave and follows the driver.

The driver ends up at a car meet where a street race is about to take place. Linzy challenges all the drivers and shows them a wad of cash. They all put their money in. The Lulzwagen starts off slow, but beats them all. In the end, Linzy takes the money and shakes Aburd's hand. Linzy then gets into his van and looks to the screen on the dash panel. There is a news report of a microbus-driving jewel thief called “the plastic bastard�.

But, Linzy is interrupted when he finds that his microbus is full of sexy ladies. He smiles and pulls off with the final title card reading: