Synopsis: It’s been almost a year since Linz Mondello helped authorities bring down Albert Okie’s child pornography ring. While on the run from Okie’s goons, Linzy’s street racing exploits get the attention of both the Cankerton and Memeville Police. Linzy is asked to participate in a joint investigation involving a jewel thief whose microbus has been spotted at classic car shows around Fale County. In exchange for his cooperation, Linzy’s criminal record will be expunged and he will receive a $200,000 reward from Mayor Grosscup. Eagar to get the R.A.U.N.C.H. hit men off his back, Linz gets help from fellow microbus enthusiast Chris the Pimp to help him track down the “Plastic Bastard”, a bandit determined to pilfer the Grosscup Family Diamonds. Cast: Linz Mondello – Former Lord Bishop and street racer on the run from R.A.U.N.C.H. hit men. Chris the Pimp – Lord Bishop of Church finances and owner of the blue microbus “Sapphire”. Cougar Mona – Linzy’s first love and owner of the green microbus “Harlequin”. Rwanda – Chris’ southern belle mistress and a former Vinegiggle police officer. Mr. R Mcgeddon – Lord Bishop and the Holy Father Church Attorney. Captain MeGusta – Commanding officer of the Cankerton Police Department. Mayor Grosscup – mayor of Cankerton and heir to the Grosscup family fortune. Councilman Cogoggle – Grosscup’s right hand man who protects the mayor’s image. Absurd – Street race promoter, mechanic and friend of Linz. Others: Captain Rageface – Commanding officer of the Memeville Police Department. Officer Eugelly – Memeville Police Officer and Rageface’s best friend. Stern Hardy: A bank robber from Ribeye, Texas working for the Plastic Bastard. Plastic Bastard – A thief in a white party mask who is after the Grosscup diamonds. Masked Bastard – Arch Bishop of the Church of Fatherless Time. Sadie – Lady Bishop and Masked Bastard’s mistress. Delroy – African-American street racer, drives a black Charger with red and green stripes. Sahale – Native-American, drives a red Camero Ss with black stripes. Elisa – Hispanic street racer, drives a white Mustang with red and blue stripes.
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS Memeville. Evening. A green concept microbus speeds down the road. It enters a mini mall and pulls up in front a store called GROSSCUP JEWELERS. A man in a hoody with black gloves gets out of the van. He goes over to the front door and shines a flashlight inside. He turns and looks at the van. Then he looks at the store front again. He turns to the van to reveal his plain plastic mask. He gets back into his van and throws it in reverse. He backs away from the building, out of the parking lot, across the street and into another parking lot across from the mini mall. The green microbus revs its engine. Then the masked man kills the head lights. A Memeville police car rolls by. He waits a few minutes, before he puts the lights back on and floors it. The van jumps a small hill, lands on the road with sparks, jumps another mound and flies into the front of the jewelry outlet. Once inside, the robber snatches what he wants, puts the items into a black pouch and gets back into the van. He throws his plastic mask on the floor as he backs out. Then he leaves the mini mall parking lot and speeds off down the road. Police sirens are heard down the road. The robber turns up the volume on a police scanner. POLICE DISPATCHER: (VO) 2-11 at 1300 Magnolia Place, Suite 101. Suspect fleeing the scene in a green concept microbus. MEMEVILLE OOFICER: (VO) Roger. We’re on our way. The green microbus changes color from green to white to red. The license plates revolve and change on both bumpers. Memeville police cars race toward the van and fly right past it. The now red van pulls into a motel. The robber gets out and knocks on door 503. The door opens. The occupant, whose face isn’t seen, is holding a Cuban cigar. PIMP: You got the rocks? The robber tosses him a black bag. ROBBER: You got the goods? The pimp lets the robber into the room. On the bed are four teenage girls in skimpy clothing. PIMP: Get these little fillies to their new owners on time. ROBBER: (pulls out gun) Let’s go, ladies. The girls are visibly frightened as they walk single file toward the door. Across town. A car meet is in session. Racing car sounds heighten. Neon streaks flash across the frame and continue to do so until some of those flashy streaks produce the title card:
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS Race promoter Absurd approaches three drivers at the starting line. 1
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Racer 1 is Delroy, African-American, driving a black Dodge Charger with red and green stripes. Racer 2 is Sahale (falcon), Native-American, driving a red Chevy Camero Ss with black stripes. Racer 3 is Elisa, Hispanic, driving a white Ford Mustang with red and blue stripes. DELROY: Yo, Absurd. Let’s do this, man. ABSURD: Hold up. We missing some body. ELISA: Skye was going to race with us tonight, but she had to go to the hospital. ABSURD: Hospital? What did that manatee do this time? Overdose on Swedish Fish? ELISA: Nah. Her water broke. SAHALE: She was pregnant?! ELISA: Yall didn’t know? ABSURD: Well Elly, it’s really hard to tell with her. SAHALE: Skye is the only chick I know who can eat a cow and shit ground beef. ELISA: Remember that Halloween race when she dressed up like a vampire? DELROY: She probably the only person who can give Count Dracula diabetes. SAHALE: Ain’t nobody tryin’ to drive a stake into that fruit punch-drinking bitch. ABSURD: Tell you what. Why don’t I find yall another driver? DELROY: As long as it isn’t the unholy, 99 cent menu she-monster. She probably gonna mistake that baby for a chicken giblet Absurd takes out his cell and dials. ABSURD: Yo Linzy. You wanna make some money? LINZ: (on phone) Muscle or import? ABSURD: All muscle, baby. LINZ: (on phone) I’ll be there. ABSURD: He’s on his way. Linz is in the back of his red microbus, the Lulzwagen, with two honeys. He puts his cell phone on the drink holder between the seats and gets up. HONEY 1: Where you going, Linz? LINZ: Gotta race to go to. HONEY 2: I love street races. Linz quickly gets dressed and hops into the driver seat. He starts the van and pulls off. On the road. Linz puts on some hip-hop. He pops the top on a diet cola and chugs it down. EMCEE: Yeah, yeah! Too raunch, too righteous! I’m too raunch for yall! The Lulzwagen crosses a bridge into uptown. 2
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS Car meet. The Lulzwagen pulls in with reggae music playing. People watch in confession and unbelief as the red microbus rolls up to the starting line. ELISA: Shit, it’s Mondello. SAHALE: Mon-who? Linz gets out in a long t-shirt with his “M” logo on it, beige cargo shorts and sneakers. Linz meets with Absurd. ABSURD: Glad you could make it. LINZ: Thanks for the invite. (waves) Hey Elisa. ELISA: Wuz sup papi? Linz’s babes get out of his van with TEAM MONDELLO on their halter tops. ASBURD: Were you busy? LINZ: Not at all. (looks around) Sumo Skye’s not racing tonight? ELISA: Apparently she drank a baby batter protein shake. LINZ: All right. Let’s do this. (sees other racers) You youngsters ready to carry on? SAHALE: Yo Absurd. Please tell me baldy here isn’t racing us with the Mystery Machine. LINZ: (confronts Sahale) I’m game. But the mystery isn’t my machine. It’s your skills. The crowd jeers. Sahale steps up to Linz. SAHALE: I got more skills than you do, Chrome Dome. LINZ: Then let’s up the stakes. (holds up cash) Twenty-five hundred. DELROY: I can swing that. ELISA: I’m in for it. SAHALE: Yo Absurd, who is this old-ass, SSI-collecting bird turd? ABSURD: You in for the two-fifty or not? SAHALE: What are you tryin’ to do to me, man? LINZ: Put up your bread, Tonto. Or pack up your teepee and go home. Sahale hands Absurd his money. SAHALE: See you at the finish line, pale face. Racers get into their cars. Absurd raises his hand. ABSURD: Ready? Set? (lowers hand) Go! The cars and van take off down the street. The muscle cars all leave the microbus behind. The muscle cars turn the first corner. SAHALE: Haha! You need a power scooter, grandpa! The muscle cars go down four blocks and hang another turn. DELROY: (checks rearview) Oh, hell no! Behind them is the Lulzwagen with its high beams flashing. SAHALE: How’d he do that?! 3
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS The muscle cars pull ahead, but the red microbus is catching up to them. They make another turn and the microbus is right on Sahale’s tail. SAHALE: Fall back, grandpa! Sahale speeds ahead of the others, but the Lulzwagen follows as they all hang a final turn and fly down an open thoroughfare. DELROY: Can you believe this Mother, Jugs and Speed bullshit? Linz pulls up beside Sahale. Sahale waves goodbye to Linz and applies his nitrous boost. Delroy and Elisa do the same as the finish line fast approaches. The muscle cars all leave the microbus behind. Linz goes up the nearest off ramp and vanishes. SAHALE: Where’d he go? When the Lulzwagen gets to the top of the off ramp, Linz flips a lid on the dash and hits the NOS button. The red van blasts off the pavement as it approaches the on-ramp. Linz hits another button that has HOVER MODE above it. The Lulzwagen’s wheels turn face down and the van blasts through the air, over the roofs of the muscle cars and lands directly in front of Sahale’s car. Sahale jerks the wheel, sending his car spinning into a divider. The Lulzwagen speeds ahead and crosses the finish line, followed by Delroy and Elisa. Linz gets out of the Lulzwagen with his arms up. His two honeys join him as Absurd gives Linz his winnings. Linz gives some of the cash back to Absurd. The honeys look at Linz like it’s their turn. But he puts the cash away and walks away from them. Linz sees a heavy-set woman with long dark hair and green eyes. LINZ: (to himself) Ramona?! She winks at Linz and gets into a green microbus. When Linz turns back to his van, he sees a Memeville squad car pull into the parking lot flashing its strobe lights. When the siren goes woop woop, everybody scatters. Linz hops into his microbus and speeds out of there. Absurd gets into his low-rider and leaves. Delroy and Elisa tear out as well. The Lulzwagen quickly turns down an on-ramp with two Memeville squad cars close behind. MEMEVILLE OFFICER 1: Suspect is driving a red concept microbus, heading north on Route 69. Four squad cars in the opposite line cross over the median and join the pursuit. Before long, a Memeville Police helicopter is in the air over the chase. Linz watches the chase live on his dash panel LCD. LINZ: Where the hell did all this heat come from?! Cops up ahead throw out a spike strip. Linz switches into hover mode briefly and flies over the tire shedders MEMEVILLE OFFICER 1: Central, you’re not going to believe what we just saw. This red hippie van just jumped the stop sticks like freakin’ Knight Rider! DISPATCHER: (VO) Come again, Unit 9? 4
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS MEMEVILLE OFFICER 1: The got damn van is flying! DISPATCHER: (VO) Flying? How? MEMEVILLE OFFICER 1: Like a humming bird! How the hell should I know?! Church of Fatherless Time. Night. Lady Sadie shuffles in her platform heels to the Arch Bishop’s office door. SADIE: Your Grace, it’s Mondello. Church Sanctuary. Masked Bastard joins Sadie and the other Bishops before a large flat screen. NEWS ANCHOR: (VO) What we’re seeing is a live pursuit in progress on Super Highway 69. SADIE: Oh my holy God. NEWS ANCHOR: (VO) A red concept microbus, apparently with flight capabilities, has become the subject of a high speed chase. A lower-third caption pops up with a photo and a slate of brief personal information. NEWS ANCHOR: (VO) Authorities believe the driver of the microbus to be local elite street racer Larry Isaac Nelson Ziegler Mondello, aka “Linzy” a former Lord Bishop of the Holy Father Church located in Cankerton. He was seen at a car meet behind the Memeville flea market previously. MASK: He never even left the county. NEWS ANCHOR: (VO) Lord Bishop Mondello helped Cankerton Police indict Pastor Albert Okie, an Internet evangelist behind a massive child pornography ring in Fale County. Since Okie’s incarceration, Mondello has been MIA from his congregation and the Ulcerous City. MASK: Misty. Is Mr. R Mcgeddon on site? MISTY: (electrolarynx) He’s out with Denizen Mouse. MASK: Tell both of them to come back here. I need Mouse to do PR and Mac to bond Linzy out. MISTY: (electrolarynx) Yes, Your Lordship. Mask continues watching the police chase. Super Highway 69. The Lulzwagen hovers low to the pavement. The spotlight from the chopper above shines into the microbus. CHOPPER PILOT: (VO) Sit the vehicle down and surrender. Linz passes a sign welcoming him to Cankerton. The CPD close in from the north. He sits the microbus down on its wheels. A dozen police units box him in. Armed Memeville officers rush toward the Lulzwagen. MEMEVILLE OFFICER 1: Show me your hands, Q-ball! Linz slowly raises them and looks to the arresting officers. 5
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS Memeville Police Station. Captain Robert Rageface enters with the arresting officer, Eugelly, and shuts the door. Both officers have paper coffee cups in hand. Rageface drops a folder before Linz. CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: We’ve impounded your magical flying van. We know all about the jobs you’ve been pulling around the county. So tell me what you did with the jewels. LINZ: I have no idea what you’re talking about. CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: We know you’re Linzy Mondello. You’ve been hiding out in Memeville for almost a year now. OFFICER EUGELLY: We also know you’ve been participating in illegal street races. LINZ: It’s no different from what you guys do with drugs down in your evidence locker. Eugelly smacks the table top and leans over Linz. OFFICER EUGELLY: You’re in a lot of trouble, pal. So I advise you to mind your tone. CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: I’m going to ask you again. Where are the jewels you stole? The door opens. In comes Mr. R Mcgeddon with his military fatigue-print briefcase. MR. R MCGEDDON: Don’t say another word, Linzy. CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: What do you think you’re doing, Frank? MAC: Captain, I need to speak with my client. OFFICER EUGELLY: What do ya know. It’s the Courtroom Commando. MAC: (turns to Eugelly) Listen Officer Espresso, if you want my BS-resistance combat boot up your ass, keep running your facehole. CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: He’s my catch. MAC: He’s my client, Rageface. Now if you want to deny this man legal representation, I’ll go to the superior court judge and have Internal Affairs pull this place down brick by brick. Ragface sips his cappuccino and backs off. MAC: Good to see you again, Linzy. LINZ: I don’t need your help, Mac. MAC: I’m not the only one here to chat with you. The door opens. Cankerton Police Captain Miguel MeGusta enters. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: How you doing, Mondello? LINZ: Where’s my van? CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: She’s out of the impound and safe. (shows keys) Come with me. Memeville Police Station. Boardroom. On a large white screen is an image of a green microbus crashed into the side of a building. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: We know him as “the plastic bastard”. LINZ: What the hell is that? 6
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: He wears a white plastic mask during the robberies, and then he leaves it at the scene to screw with us. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Rageface and I have been chasing this guy through the tri-city area with no luck of catching him. This guy is a ghost. He knows when to strike and how. He’s knocked off several jewelry stores in the county already. Just tonight, he robbed a store not far from that car meet you were spotted. LINZ: Well, can’t you see that his van is green? CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: The van he drove away from the crime scene tonight was red. LINZ: That doesn’t prove anything. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I know. And that’s the point. MeGusta advantages the slideshow. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: (points to screen) The first van the robber used was white, then green and now red. Now, Captain Rageface thinks the robber is merely switching vehicles. But I think this is the same microbus. LINZ: You think this getaway van has some aftermarket modifications? CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Doesn’t yours? LINZ: Why are you telling me all this? MeGusta looks as Mayor Jordan Grosscup enters with Councilman Jerry Cogoggle. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Linzy, you already know Mayor Grosscup. LINZ: Of course I do. He was going to give Albert Okie a pardon after what he did to the Arch Bishop’s reputation. Then he realized that he had to get reelected and put Okie away for brownie points. GROSSCUP: Mondello, I know you don’t like politicians. But this isn’t about my career. It’s about my family’s legacy. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: We believe the thief is going after the Grosscup family jewels. LINZ: Sounds more to me like this guy wants to snip the Grosscup family jewels. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: We’re offering you a chance to be a hero. Now, if you help us out we can make your troubles go away. We’re rounding up the last of Okie’s goons. You can return to Cankerton and cruise the strip without looking over your shoulder or having to check underneath your van before you start it. LINZ: And if I don’t? CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: Here’s a list of all the crimes you’ve committed in Memeville. LINZ: (looks through pages) Assaulting an undercover officer? OFFICER EUDELLY: You threw her out of a moving vehicle. LINZ: I do that to all of my unruly women. CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: Look, prostitution may be legal in Cankerton, but it doesn’t fly here. LINZ: Come on, Rageface. We’ve been sharing the same hookers since I got here. 7
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS GROSSCUP: Linz, I’ll make this simple. The Memeville and Cankerton police are in a joint effort looking for a master jewel thief who uses a microbus to commit the crimes. We need you to draw this guy out so we can take him down. LINZ: What the hell do you need me for? Grosscup looks to MeGusta. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Because the guy we’re looking for is a classic car enthusiast. LINZ: Classic cars? CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: Yes. In this case, he’s got a hard-on for microbuses. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: His van has been spotted at several auto fairs in the area. We want you to stake out an upcoming car show. LINZ: Where? CAPTAIN RAGEFACE: Cankerton Convention Center. Now we know Pastor Okie’s goons are still out there. You’ll be riding with Officer Eugelly here. Linz approaches Eugelly. He glances at an adult novelty catalogue in Eugelly’s pocket. LINZ: So, you wanna ride shotgun in the Lulzwagen? Play classic car enthusiast? EUGELLY: You ain’t got a choice, Q-ball. LINZ: Let’s say we run up on this guy and he asks you questions about vintage microbuses. EUGELLY: Okay. LINZ: What’s the better model: a four-speed Jack Rabbit or a six-speed? Eugelly looks to Raceface. Rageface dips his head. EUGELLY: A six-speed. LINZ: I didn’t know jewel thieves used vibrators to commit crimes. Come on, guys. If this is all you have to offer me, I’ll take my chances with Okie’s goons. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: All right, Mondello. What do you need? LINZ: I need to work with a microbus-lover that I know I can carry on with. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Who do you have in mind? LINZ: A fellow Lord Bishop I used to worship with back at the Holy Father Church. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Who? LINZ: Chris the Pimp. Investment Seminar. Day. Lord Bishop Chris is in his finest business suit and shiny black shoes. With him is his mistress Rwanda, a Southern Belle with ridiculous curves behind her skirt suit. Linz and MeGusta watch from afar as Chris wrangles with a potential investor. LINZ: This guy’s got a silver tongue. He can get money and information from anybody. MEGUSTA: Who’s the girl? Her body’s incredible. LINZ: Rwanda. When Chris’ pitch doesn’t work, he still has her to keep investors interested. 8
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS MEGUSTA: (walks with Linz) Sounds like this guy’s got all of his angles covered. LINZ: And he loves classic cars too. MEGUSTA: Forget cars, son. Rwanda’s chassis is dangerous. (bites lip) Look at Dat Ass! CHRIS: …so you’re telling me that the brokerage firm you’re with now is promising you twenty percent returns on your money by the end of every month? INVESTOR: They’re featured in the Fortune 500 as one of the fastest growing companies. RWANDA: Sugar, just because a company’s growing doesn’t make it legitimate. INVESTOR: Are you accusing my broker of running a Ponzi scheme? CHRIS: (takes investor’s papers) These monthly returns are unrealistic. INVESTOR: But, he gave me this. Chris takes a half sheet of paper from the investor and looks at it. He gives it to Rwanda. RWANDA: Please tell me this is a joke. INVESTION: That guarantees my money is secure with interest. CHRIS: This is a Promissory Note, which guarantees that you are screwed. INVESTOR: Screwed? How? RWANDA: Like, your broker is more than likely raiding the funds of client accounts. Chris notices Linz and MeGusta approaching. He whispers to Rwanda. INVESTOR: So, you’re saying I should pull my money out? CHRIS: Would you excuse me? Chris leaves Rwanda with the investor. He meets with MeGusta and Linz. CHRIS: What are you doing here, Linzy? LINZ: I need your help. CHRIS: You are a marked man. Okie’s goons are looking for you. MEGUSTA: Mondello’s working with me now. CHRIS: I saw you on the evening news. Best police chase I’ve seen in a long time. MEGUSTA: You’ve heard about the plastic bastard? CHRIS: Yeah. Some guy knocking off jewelry stores in a white mask. LINZ: Well, he’s still in the area. There’s a car show coming up and the cops want me to stake out there. I could use a fellow classic car enthusiast draw this guy out. CHRIS: You are getting paid for this, aren’t you? MEGUSTA: Mayor Grosscup has agreed to a cash reward after the thief is apprehended. CHRIS: Grosscup? Oh, now I know something crooked is going on. LINZ: You in or out? Chris looks to Rwanda. She’s winning over the investor. He gives her his portfolio. CHRIS: All right. I’ll run it by the Arch Bishop. LINZ: Do you still have Sapphire? CHRIS: Yeah. But she’s been laid up for a while now. 9
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Get her over to the Church so Mac can look at her. MEGUSTA: Who’s Sapphire? Linz and Chris share a laugh. CHRIS: I’ll help you out. But I’m telling you now. The Arch Bishop won’t like this idea. Church. Arch Bishop’s Office. MASK: I love the idea. CHRIS: Excuse me? MASK: The Church hasn’t been the same since Mondello left. Becky flaked out on us, so now we’re short a Bishop. By the way, how did things go at the investment seminar? CHRIS: Rwanda and I cleaned house. Mainly, Rwanda. MASK: Good. I’ll speak with Captain MeGusta. I want you to go to this car show. Your job is to bring Mondello back into the Congregation. All other concerns are secondary. CHRIS: Yes, Your Grace. I’ll do my best. Church Garage. Chris walks in to find Mac working on a cyan blue microbus. Mac shuts the hood and starts it. MAC: She’s good to go, Chris. CHRIS: Thanks, Mac. MAC: Bring Linzy home. Chris hops into his microbus and leaves. Cankerton Police Department. Chris pulls in, gets out and meets with Linz and MeGusta. MEGUSTA: (looks to Chris’ van) What’s the “S” stand for? LINZ: That, El Capitan, is Sapphire. CHRIS: Sister microbus to the Lulzwagen. MEGUSTA: We got you guys into the auto fair. Rageface and I will be across the way waiting for your signal. When you guys spot the green microbus, light up your cigars and we’ll move in. Linz and Chris take the cigars. CHRIS: These are Cuban. MEGUSTA: The mayor wants you guys to look classy. LINZ: Let’s roll. Super Highway 69. The Lulzwagen and the Sapphire go down the on-ramp and on to the four lane highway. 10
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS Classic Car Show. Lulzwagen and Sapphire pull into their designated spots. Linz and Chris set up lawn chairs near their vans. Chris puts on his sunglasses while Linz pops the top on an ice cold diet cola. CHRIS: I dig this undercover thing. LINZ: Same here. (points) Check out the chassis on that. A brunette in a bikini walks by. She waves to them. CHRIS: Now that is body I’d love to have a collision with. LINZ: Check out that one! A blonde smiles at them, goes over to a classic Corvette Stingray and gets down behind it. CHRIS: She looks just like Sadie. LINZ: You think she’s back there takin’ a leak? CHRIS: Shall we go see? LINZ: Let’s. Linz and Chris go over to the corvette, which is riddled with random, golf ball-sized dents and find the young blonde down on her knees, her butt in the air, with her mouth on the tailpipe. CHRIS: What in the world are you doing, lady?! BLONDE: My car got caught in a hail storm on the way here. CHRIS: Then the problem is the body, not the exhaust system. She starts to stand up, but Linz holds out his hand. Chris looks to Linz with a grin. LINZ: My guess is you were blowing really hard into the tailpipe. BLONDE: Yeah. I figure it would pop all of those ugly dents out. Chris looks away, trying not to laugh. LINZ: Baby, I can tell you right now that ain’t gonna work. Unless… Chris tries to contain his laughter. BLONDE: Unless what? LINZ: Unless you roll the windows up. The blonde laughs and goes to roll the windows up. Chris taps Linz. CHRIS: Mondello. (points) Check it out. They see a green concept microbus parked just down the way. Linz and Chris head for the green van. It is identical to the Lulzwagen and the Sapphire. On the front is a “H” logo. CHRIS: What’s “H” stand for? LINZ: (smiles) Harlequin. CHRIS: How do you know? LINZ: Because I lost my virginity in the back of it. Chris takes out his cigar and turns to the street. He puts it into his mouth. 11
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Across the road. MeGusta and Rageface have binoculars to their eyes. RAGEFACE: Okay. Everyone get ready. They see Linz speaking to Chris. Chris removes his cigar and goes over to the green van. MEGUSTA: Wait a minute. Hold on. They see Linz and Chris go behind the green van. RAGEFACE: What are they doing?! MEGUSTA: Just a second, Bob. RAGEFACE: He gave us the signal. MEGUSTA: He didn’t light up. (lowers binoculars) He has to light it first. MeGusta leaves. Rageface waits until MeGusta is out of sight. He moves over to Officer Eugelly. RAGEFACE: When I give the signal, we move in. Linz checks the license plate while Chris watches. LINZ: It’s screwed in. No plate flipper. No signs of a rotator installed. CHRIS: And this base coat is chipping. The paint is nowhere near paramagnetic. LINZ: Which means? WOMAN: It doesn’t change colors. A heavy set woman with dark hair and green eyes approaches holding a paper plate with 2 large hotdogs, corn chips and a plastic cup of cheese dip. She sips on a 44 oz soft drink. LINZ: Mona. MONA: I saw you on the news. CHRIS: You know her? LINZ: (whispers to Chris) She was my Sugar Momma. CHRIS: Your first lay was a Cougar?! MONA: You got a problem with that, young man?! CHRIS: No ma’am. No disrespect. MONA: Larry and I go way back. Don’t we? LINZ: Yeah. Chris sees that Linz and Mona are star-crossed. CHRIS: Oh damn. Yall must’ve had something serious going on. LINZ: What are you doing here, Mona? Mona drops her food and pushes Linz and Chris behind her van. Automatic gunfire rings out. People panic and scatter. 12
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS Across the way. MeGusta meets with Rageface. MEGUSTA: What the hell are you doing, Bob?! RAGEFACE: Those aren’t my people! MeGusta puts his binoculars to his face and lowers them. MEGUSTA: Okie’s goons. (into radio) All units, move in! Repeat, all units move in! Mona opens the back of her microbus. MONA: Get in! CHRIS: Why are they shooting at us?! LINZ: They’re Okie’s men! MONA: Shut up and get in the van! Mona hops in and takes off. She pulls up next to Lulzwagen and Sapphire. Linz and Chris board their microbuses and follow Mona out of the convention center’s rear exit. MeGusta and Rageface see Okie’s men rounded up. The green microbus is gone. MEGUSTA: Perfect. RAGEFACE: Now what? OFFICER: Captain MeGusta. (shows cell phone) It’s the mayor. The Lulzwagen, Sapphire and Harlequin are parked behind an old building. CHRIS: Okay, somebody needs to explain what’s going on! LINZ: I told you they were Okie’s goons. CHRIS: They were aiming for her. MONA: I’ve been following the jewel thief all over Fale County. He duplicated my license plate number and changed his base coat to Harlequin green. I want to clear vehicle’s name. CHRIS: Wait. Isn’t that why the cops came gunning for you, Linzy? LINZ: Yeah. The jewel theft must’ve stolen my plate number too. CHRIS: What do Okie’s goons have to do with a jewel thief? MONA: I don’t know. But, from what I’ve seen so far, the thief is pissed off at the mayor. CHRIS: Grosscup’s family owns the jewelry store chains. What’s the connection? LINZ: We need another brilliant mind. Chris, have Rwanda meet us at the Parlor. MONA: Parlor? CHRIS: It’s an Internet Café. We’ll be safe and anonymous. They board their microbuses and pull out.
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2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS Cankerton Police Department. MeGusta is chatting with Mac. Grosscup rushes in and confronts MeGusta. GROSSCUP: What the hell are you doing, Mickey?! MEGUSTA: My job. Thanks to Okie’s men, our spies got scared off. GROSSCUP: Rageface told me you had the robber right in your sights! MEGUSTA: The suspect is a white male weighing 170 to 200 pounds. The woman who owned the green van looked like her blood type was marinara. GROSSCUP: My family’s legacy is at stake here! You find that thief and bring him in! Grosscup leaves. MAC: He’s a douche bag. MEGUSTA: Tell me about it. OFFICER: Captain, we’ve got something. MEGUSTA: Call Linzy, tell him and Chris I need them back here ASAP. MAC: Got it. Hotel Parking Lot. MeGusta approaches the rescue squad as they check out four teenage girls. MEGUSTA: What do we have here? PARAMEDIC 1: The hotel owner saw a man in a white mask trying to put these girls into a white van. This first young lady ran into the office screaming for help. When the guy went after her, the others ran off too. (points) They came out of that room. MEGUSTA: Check them for any signs of sexual trauma. MeGusta enters 503. There are plastic restraints and an opened box of condoms on the bed. MEGUSTA: Seal this off. Get a forensic team. This is officially a crime scene. OFFICER: Yes, captain. The Parlor. Linz is out front on his cell phone. LINZ: Are you serious? No way. All right, tell Miguel we’ll be back tonight. Linz goes inside. Rwanda is seated at a computer terminal while Chris and Mona watch her. RWANDA: This story ran several months ago, but nobody paid it any mind. CHRIS: Grosscup Jewelers is bankrupt? RWANDA: They’re being bought out by rival jeweler Russell Rocks. CHRIS: It says here that several Russell stores were hit prior to the Grosscup robberies. RWANDA: But why would the thief which store owners? Jewelry is jewelry, right? Linz joins them and puts his cell phone away. 14
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS LINZ: That was Mac. MeGusta needs us back at CPD. CHRIS: We’d better roll. LINZ: Mona, stay here with Rwanda. We’re going to tell MeGusta what we know about the van. Linz walks with Chris. LINZ: What’d Rwanda find? CHRIS: It turns out the mayor’s family business has tanked. LINZ: They’re broke? CHRIS: They’ve been bought out by Russell Rocks. Apparently the thief was robbing Russell first before he decided to switch over to Grosscup. LINZ: What do you think? Insurance fraud? CHRIS: No way. They’d never be able to cover their tracks. Unless the stores are a front. Linz stops walking. Chris moves ahead, but comes back to join him. CHRIS: What? LINZ: Mac just told me that a man in a white plastic mask was trying to force some teenage girls into a white microbus over at the Hotel 69. They found used condoms and restraints. CHRIS: Teenage girls. Restraints. You know what that spells, right? LINZ: Human trafficking? CHRIS: Try sexual slavery. They head to their vans. LINZ: All right. Mona stays with Rwanda until we can clear her name. CHRIS: Oh, you’re so worried about Cougar Mona. Just remember why Captain MeGusta sent us out here in the first place. LINZ: What’s the supposed to mean? CHRIS: It means you’re always screwing up over a piece of ass, Linzy. Linz’s cell phone rings. LINZ: Yeah. (listens) Sure. I’ll be right over. CHRIS: Who was that? LINZ: My man Absurd. He’s got some spray for our microbuses. CHRIS: Nitrous oxide in the Sapphire? (laughs) Oh, it’s about to be on. Absurd’s Garage. Linz and Chris get out of their vans and meet with Absurd. LINZ: Absurd, this is Bishop Chris. ABSURD: What’s good, playa? Absurd walks with them into the garage and meets with one of his mechanics. ABSURD: Yo, bring Lulzwagen and Sapphire in here and give them some spray. Linz and Chris follow Absurd out back where dozens of cars sit in a fenced-in area. 15
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS LINZ: (points) What is all that? ABSURD: Government auction. The chopper and speedboat are decommissioned. That minitank there? It was a remote operated, unmanned ground vehicle. I pulled the CPU from it. CHRIS: Is that a submarine? ABSURD: That little midget once belonged to the marine life research institute. Linz goes over and looks down at two long metal clamp-like apparatus. LINZ: Are these arms? ABSURD: They were part of a prototype military robot used to defuse bombs. LINZ: (points) What do you need monster truck tires for? ABSURD: I was thinking about converting one of my rides into an off-road beast. Chris sees two mini-guns on the pavement near the metal arms. CHRIS: I’m not even gonna ask why you have those. LINZ: So this is what you do with your money? ABSURD: Hey, I prefer productive hobbies over pricey hookers. They head back inside. LINZ: (scoffs) Hater. Cankerton Courthouse. Mac walks along checking his cell phone messages. COGOGGLE: (OS) Psss. Frank! Mac turns around and sees Jerry Cogoggle waving for him from a stairwell. Mac goes into the stairwell and follows Cogoggle up the steps. They enter and empty hallway on the upper floor. COGOGGLE: The mayor can’t know about this meeting. MAC: He won’t. COGOGGLE: I was cleaning out my inbox yesterday. I found a forwarded message in my spam folder. It was a blind carbon copy addressed to Jordan Grosscup himself, but I think he clicked my name by accident when he was adding contacts to the header. MAC: You brought me up here to tell me that? COGOGGLE: The email’s subject line said: “Stern Background Check.” The body of the email contained public records of known convicts and the URL of an underground website for hiring criminals. Frank, I think the mayor knows who this jewel thief is. MAC: I’m betting “Stern” is a surname. COGOGGLE: Jordan’s been on edge since the last two jewelry robberies. I think he wants this guy caught and dealt with accordingly. MAC: Dealt with? Sounds personal to me. COGOGGLE: Well, putting it nicely, the mayor wants this guy dead in the worst way. 16
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS MAC: I think I know why. MeGusta thinks this guy has a whole other network. COGOGGLE: What network? Drugs? MAC: No. Sex slaves. Cogoggle’s cell phone buzzes. He checks the display. COGOGGLE: It’s him. I’ll keep you posted. Mac watches Cogoggle leave. CPD. Linz and Chris enter and meet with Mac and MeGusta. LINZ: El Capitan, what the dilly? GROSSCUP: (OS) You let her get away?! Grosscup grabs Linz and pushes him into the wall. GROSSCUP: You had the thief right there and you let her escape?! LINZ: Get the hell off of me, you psycho! MEGUSTA: Back off, Jordan! Chris grabs Grosscup and shoves him into the table. Cocoggle enters and blocks Grosscup from getting at Chris. Mac moves in with MeGusta while Grosscup shouts and points at Linz. GROSSCUP: You did this on purpose! LINZ: You’re a nutcase, you know that? CHRIS: Chill out you guys! MEGUSTA: Enough! GROSSCUP: My family’s legacy is at stake here! MAC: Shut up, Jordan. GROSSCUP: Don’t tell me to shut up, Frank! MeGusta fires a warning shot into the ceiling. MEGUSTA: (holsters gun) Now, let’s hear what our spies have to say. They all sit down. Linz and Chris sit across from MeGusta and Mac. Grosscup and Cogoggle remain standing. LINZ: The woman in the green van isn’t the jewel thief. CHRIS: She claims she’s been following the one you guys are looking for. GROSSCUP: That is BS. LINZ: (asks MeGusta) Why is he so on edge? MEGUSTA: Because the jewel thief has struck again. MAC: This time at another Grosscup outlet. Linz looks to see Grosscup pissed. MEGUSTA: Okay. Why is this woman following the thief? 17
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS CHRIS: We think she knows him. GROSSCUP: Then bring her in and question her! MEGUSTA: If we do that now, she’ll close up and deny everything. I think she’s telling the truth. GROSSCUP: Let me ask Mondello a question. You think she’s in on it with the robber? CHRIS: What is that supposed to mean? GROSSCUP: Your pal Mondello didn’t tell you? He was secretly working with Albert Okie to bring down the Arch Bishop. When Frank here found out, he almost killed him. That’s why he’s not a Bishop anymore. MAC: Hey! Screw you, Jordan. GROSSCUP: Find that thief, MeGusta. Or I’ll have Linz, Chris and that fat bitch locked up. Grosscup and Cogoggle leave. MEGUSTA: I don’t have to tell you guys that something stinks with the mayor. MAC: The councilman told me that Grosscup may be trying to kill the thief himself. MEGUSTA: Which means Grosscup wants to keep this guy quiet. MAC: And in light of the underage girls at that hotel, the stench could get much worse. MEGUSTA: All right, Linzy. You and Chris question that lady in the green van. Maybe she knows something Grosscup isn’t telling us. Outside, Linz and Chris head for their vans. CHRIS: So you were working for Okie, huh? LINZ: I don’t wanna talk about it, Chris. CHRIS: Why didn’t you just come to me? I’da gave you the money. LINZ: I wasn’t going to betray the Arch Bishop. I was pretending to work for Albert to find out what he was really up to. But my greed almost cost me my friendship with Mac and the safety of my fellow Bishops. That’s why I left the Church. CHRIS: Hey, man. We’re Bishops of Bastard. We’re brothers. We deal with this together. Linz smiles and shakes on it with Chris. CHRIS: Let’s get back to the Parlor. Back at the Parlor. Linz, Chris and Rwanda are seated across from Mona. LINZ: You’re wanted for stealing buffet food? MONA: When I was a cook down at the Shore, I used to take leftovers home. Whatever I didn’t eat I gave to the homeless. When the manager discovered that I was feeding poor people out of the back of my van, he had me fired. Then something inside of me just clicked. CHRIS: So you started robbing casino buffets? RWANDA: Girl, sound to me like you need the “D” in your life. For real. 18
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS MONA: I know. (looks to Linzy) I used to have something real. And I let him go to return to a man who didn’t care about me. That was my mistake. But now I wanna make it right. LINZ: You know who the thief is, don’t you? MONA: I think it’s my ex-boyfriend, Roscoe. He was a professional counterfeiter I used to run with after I separated from my husband. CHRIS: Give everything you know about this guy to Rwanda. Mona sits at a computer terminal with Rwanda. Rwanda pulls up a public records website. RWANDA: When I was a cop in Vinegiggle, I had access to several criminal databases. I’m going to cross-reference what you told me with what’s in the system. Linz and Chris join Rwanda and Mona. RWANDA: It says here that Roscoe is wanted in four states. CHRIS: Yeah. But his rap sheet doesn’t say anything about heists or robberies. Linz’s cell phone rings. LINZ: Mondello. (listens) You’re kidding. All right. (puts cell away) That was Absurd. MONA: Look, I know what I’m saying sounds ridiculous, but it’s— LINZ: No, no. Absurd is a street race promoter. He’s my friend. MONA: That’s his name? My God. LINZ: He just said that a white microbus was spotted in Memeville. CHRIS: That’s him. It’s gotta be. LINZ: Rwanda, see what else you can find on Roscoe. RWANDA: I’m on it, sugar. LINZ: Mona, you’re coming with us. Linz, Chris and Mona leave. The three microbuses speed past a sign welcoming them to Memeville. Linz puts his cell on the dash and activates a three-way call to Chris and Mona. LINZ: Anything about Roscoe that we should know about? MONA: Like my estranged husband, he’s always armed. CHRIS: Shouldn’t we tell Captain MeGusta what we’re doing? LINZ: This guy can smell cops a block away. We need to catch him in the act. CHRIS: I’m not trying to get shot, Mondello. LINZ: We’ll just stay in our vans. Everything’ll be cool. The three microbuses pull up to Absurd’s garage. ABSURD: What’s good, yall? LINZ: We’re here to catch that thief in the act. 19
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS ABSURD: I see you all done sold out to the cops. CHRIS: Hey, I’m doing it as a favor for my man here. LINZ: You said that white van was around here. Can you show us where? CPD. MeGusta meets with Mac holding a print out. MEGUSTA: Ramona Ashley Hardy, née Bruno. Born in Ribeye, Texas. Married at age 16. Mac sees a mug shot of a younger Mona. MAC: She looks pretty much the same, minus the crow’s feet. MEGUSTA: Mona started her criminal career at age 14 stealing candy by hiding it under her fat roles. Then she moves on to shoplifting and grand larceny. MAC: It says here that she’s wanted for stealing edibles from several restaurant buffets, but nothing about jewelry heists or any other types of robberies. (puts file down) She’s a misguided feed-the-homeless volunteer, but she’s no master thief. MEGUSTA: Then who the hell is knocking off these jewelry stores? MAC: She claims she’s been following this guy around. Why would a woman chase a man like that? Unless they were in some kind of rela— Mac picks up Mona’s file again. His gloved finger moves over the marital status column. Under the spouse option is the name: HARDY, STERN. MAC: Son of a bitch. MEGUSTA: (bobs head) She’s married to him. Across town. Linzy, Chris, and Mona camp out across the street from another Grosscup Jewelry store. They wait in their microbuses Linzy drinking a diet cola, Mona eating a hoagie and Chris reading a personal finance magazine called Gimme Dem Duckets. It’s a little after 2am. Linzy and Mona are asleep. Chris checks his cell phone messages when he hears an engine approaching. A white microbus pulls around to the back of the store. Chris sends a text message to Linz and Mona. Linz snaps awake and looks to his cell phone on the dashboard. Mona wakes up and looks at her cell phone. Linz and Chris get out of their vans. CHRIS: We’d better call Captain MeGusta. LINZ: Not yet. We need to catch him in the act first. A loud crash is heard. Linz runs across the street toward the jewelry store. CHRIS: Linz! Linz! 20
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS The white microbus is smashed into the rear wall of the store. Linz sees a hooded man in a white mask go into the store. He takes out his cell phone and snaps a picture. He then begins typing a text message. Linz returns to the front of the store to find Chris and Mona. CHRIS: Is it him? LINZ: Yeah. And he’s got no way out of here. Let’s block the driveway. Linz, Chris and Mona form a blockade in front of the store. When the white van pulls around front, the hooded man leans out of window with an uzi. Linz, Chris and Mona duck down as rapid gun fire hits their microbuses. CHRIS: Damn this! The Sapphire backs away followed by the Harlequin. But the Lulzwagen speeds toward the white van and rams it. The white van moves around the Lulzwagen and heads for the street. The Harlequin pulls up beside the white van. The hooded man aims for Mona, but he doesn’t open fire. Instead, he takes off down the road. The Lulzwagen, Sapphire and Harlequin chase the robber. CHRIS: He’s heading back into Cankerton. LINZ: Maybe he’s got a safe house there. The white van begins to turn red. CHRIS: Linzy, are you seeing this? LINZ: Unbelievable. They witness the white microbus change colors from white, to red, to blue to green. MONA: We can’t let him get away! Memeville Police join the pursuit. They box in the three vans in and the thief gets away. Officer Eujelly approaches the Lulzwagen. EUJELLY: Party’s over, Q-ball. Linz nods and sits back in his bucket seat. Memeville Police Station. MeGusta and Mac enter. MAC: I’m here to post bond for the three folks your men picked up. RAGEFACE: Forget it, Frank. They were drag racing in a residential area. MEGUSTA: What happened to the fourth van? RAGEFACE: What fourth van? MAC: The white microbus they were chasing. EUJELLY: We don’t know what you’re talking about. Mac takes out his cell phone and pulls up a picture. MAC: The one in this picture Linz sent to me of the thief robbing another jewelry store. Rageface and Eujelly are dumbfounded. 21
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CPD. Linz, Chris and Mona are led inside by MeGusta and Mac. Mona is put into the interrogation room and left there. Linz, Chris, Mac and MeGusta watch her behind the glass. LINZ: What’s the deal here, Miguel? MEGUSTA: I got some bad news for you, Linzy. Tell him, Frank. MAC: Your little girlfriend is married to the man we’re looking for. LINZ: What? MAC: His name is Stern Hardy. He’s wanted back in Texas for a string of bank robberies. LINZ: That explains why the robber didn’t shoot at her. CHRIS: Wait. Does the mayor know you’ve got her in custody? Mac looks to MeGusta. MEGUSTA: Mayor Grosscup had a heart attack. LINZ: When? MEGUSTA: TOnight. We gotta find this guy and bring him in. CHRIS: Ask Mona about the thief. Ask her if she knows him. MeGusta sits across from Mona. MEGUSTA: We know you’re Ramona Hardy, wife of bank robber Stern Hardy. Your husband’s been knocking off jewelry stores in the Fale County area. Now maybe you can tell us why. Mona keeps her eyes low. MONA: I met Stern when I was fifteen. After we got married, he became abusive. I put up with him for as long as I could, then one day I left Ribeye. That’s when I met Linzy. He was the best lay I ever had. What I didn’t know is that Stern was following around. He finally confronted me down at the Shore when I was working as a food server at a casino buffet. He asked me to come back to him; he showed me money he’d stolen. When I turned him down, he told the casino how I was taking leftover food to feed the homeless. He got me fired. So I’ve been following him around ever since. MEGUSTA: Why didn’t you just come to us? MONA: I’m wanted to stealing buffet food. MEGUSTA: Feeding the homeless isn’t a crime. Aiding and abetting a felon is. MONA: I never helped him take any jewelry. An officer opens the door. OFFICER: Captain, we got him. Cankerton cops walk Stern Hardy in for processing. MEGUSTA: He was in a hotel parking lot when we bagged him. LINZ: He got sloppy. 22
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS CHRIS: That’s not like him. MEGUSTA: You guys chased him out of Memeville. Now, for some odd reason he had to score tonight. I’m thinking he’s afraid he wouldn’t get paid. MAC: Maybe he was trading the jewels for some teenage girls. MEGUSTA: We swept the entire hotel. We didn’t find the jewels or any girls. What we did find was a box full of white plastic masks and expensive cigars. The cigars weren’t even touched. MAC: So what did your guys do? Arrest him for not having a cigar cutter? MEGUSTA: You guys did good. Thanks for your help. CHRIS: What about our reward? MEGUSTA: That’s up to the mayor. Excuse me. LINZ: Ain’t that a bitch? MAC: Come on, guys. Let’s celebrate. Drinks are on me. LINZ: Is he going to release Mona? MAC: Linzy, it’s over. LINZ: It ain’t over if Okie’s goons are still out there. Think about, Mac. Stern Hardy let himself get caught, because there were no more jewelry stores to rob. CHRIS: Well, according to Rwanda, Stern hit all but one. A Grosscup Wholesale Outlet. MeGusta meets with the guys. MAC: That was fast. MEGUSTA: I’m releasing Mona into your care, Linzy. But she is not to leave the county. LINZ: What’s going on? MEGUSTA: Stern Hardy says that he was working for a very influential man in the community. This same man placed an ad at an underground criminal-for-hire website looking to hire a thief to do a few jobs to piss off the mayor’s family. LINZ: It’s Albert Okie. CHRIS: Isn’t he sitting in a federal prison somewhere? MAC: Yes. But he still has reach, even from behind prison walls. LINZ: So if Okie was using Stern to commit these robberies, why are his goons not in on it? MEGUSTA: I was thinking the same thing. Okie asked Grosscup for a pardon during that child porn investigation. Grosscup denied Okie his pardon and now Okie wants revenge. But… CHRIS: But what? MEGUSTA: Stern says Okie is involved, but the real thief is right under our noses. LINZ: Captain, we’re going back to the Parlor. CHRIS: We’ll run what we know by Rwanda. Mona is brought out and uncuffed. She and Linz leave the station holding hands.
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2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS Back at the Parlor. Linz and Chris watch Rwanda with Mona at the computer terminal. LINZ: You buy that story about Stern having another accomplice? CHRIS: The way things are shaping, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was one of us. LINZ: That wholesale outlet is the last store in town. CHRIS: Think we should stake it out? LINZ: If Stern is working with somebody else, they’ll be tempted to do one last score. CHRIS: If Okie’s men are involved, we’re going to need serious aftermarket modifications. LINZ: I got just the man for the job. Absurd’s Garage. Linz gets out of the Harlequin and Chris gets out of the Sapphire. ABSYRD: What’s this I’m hearing about Mayor Grosscup stepping down? CHIRS: He’s in poor health right now. You think he’ll resign? ABSURD: Nah. No way. Jordan Grosscup is a pimp, a playa to the end. He ain’t walkin’ away from all that money. (sees vans) So yall wanna trick out these microbuses? LINZ: We’re up against some major odds. We could use your help. Absurd looks to the decommissioned vehicles he purchased at the government auction. ABSURD: Stick around. I’mma take these raunchy rides and make em righteous. (shows logic board) This little number is for the Lulzwagen. It’s the CPU to that UGV. Just install it into the dash computer on your and you’re good to good. (shows watch) Here’s the wrist radio for it. Behind the Parlor. Night. Linz gets out of the Harlequin and gets into the Lulzwagen. He shuts the door and locks it. MONA: (OS) Hey Larry. Linz turns and sees Mona on his mattress in her rainbow pattern satin nightie. LINZ: You look like a bag of Skittles with that shit you have on. MONA: Well, why don’t I just… (opens front snaps) …share my sweets with you? He smiles and joins her. Chris and Rwanda come out of the Parlor. They hear squeaking nearby. They see the Lulzwagen rocking violently. Chris and Rwanda smile at each other. CHRIS: Are you thinking what I’m thinking? RWANDA: I’m your femdom mistress. Of course I know what you’re thinking. In the back of the Sapphire, Rwanda is straddled over Chris’ chest in her sheer lingerie. RWANDA: You like worshiping my ass, you pathetic pervert? CHRIS: Oh yes, mistress! I’m a massive pervert! 24
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS RWANDA: Sniff my ass, you filthy hound dog! In the back of the Lulzwagen, Linz and Mona lie together, listening to Chris and Rwanda. CHRIS: (OS) (howls like a wolf) Ol dirty dog loves dat ass! Now make it clap! Linz and Mona hear a clapping sound. CHRIS: (OS) Bitch, this ain’t no eulogy! Make that ass applaud! The clapping sounds heighten and become more intense. RWANDA: (OS) Rim my open Goatse, you dirty canine! MONA: What the hell is “Goat see”? LINZ: That’s when… (whispers to Mona) MONA: Ewww! LINZ: Can I rim your Goatse? The back door of the Lulzwagen opens and Linz tumbles out of it with only his sheet. Parlor. Day. Linz and Chris meet. LINZ: I don’t know about this, Chris. Maybe we should call MeGusta. CHRIS: Look, we catch the real robber in the act so Grosscup can pay us the reward. LINZ: You really think we should leave Mona and Rwanda here? CHRIS: You wanna split the money two ways or four ways? LINZ: Good point. The get into their vans and pull out. Grosscup Jewelers Wholesale Outlet. Linz and Chris park across the street. They get out and look to the store. Before they can do or say anything, a white microbus flies in and smashes through the front of the store. A hooded man in a white mask gets out and goes inside. Linz and Chris look at each other. CHRIS: Well? LINZ: We need a closer look. They both cross the street and duck into some brushes lining the property. Several black sedans pull in. Okie’s goons get out and enter the store. LINZ: I knew it! This is Albert Okie’s handiwork. CHRIS: If Stern Hardy is on his way to Texas, who is that in the white mask? Linz doesn’t answer. He sneaks toward the side of the building. He takes out his cell phone and snaps some pictures of the white microbus. After Linz sends the text message, he turns back to Chris with his hands up and two of Okie’s armed goons. 25
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CPD. MeGusta’s cell phone buzzes. He takes it out and checks the display. There is picture of the white microbus crashed into the Wholesale Outlet. Below the picture is: grosscup wholesale store 2-11 n progress bring backup MeGusta darts for the front doors. Grosscup Jewelers Wholesale Outlet. Linz and Chris are taken into the jewelry outlet. The entire place has been cleaned out. OKIE GOON: Hey boss. Look who we found outside. The plastic bastard turns to Linz and Chris with a black velvet bag. CHRIS: You must be the plastic bastard. LINZ: That name alone breaks the first Demandment. PLASTIC BASTARD: (muffled) What the hell are you two doing here? LINZ: We were wondering the same thing about you. PLASTIC BASTARD: (muffled) This is business. My business. It’s none of yours. LINZ: Who are you? PLASTIC BASTARD: (muffled) Who am I? A businessman. LINZ: Is sexual slavery on the top of your resume or at the bottom? PLASTIC BASTARD: (muffled) Somewhere in-between. CHRIS: I know who you are. PLASTIC BASTARD: (muffled) You think your friends are safe? Think again. Parlor. Rwanda types on the keyboard. She reads the search results. RWANDA: Oh Lawdy. She picks up her cell phone and dials. RWANDA: Captain MeGusta, it’s Rwanda. Listen, the ad for a professional thief placed at the criminal-for-hire site was placed by someone in the mayor’s office. Squad Car. MEGUSTA: You sure about that? 26
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS RWANDA: (on phone) Councilman Cogoggle just forwarded some email messages to me from Mayor Grosscup’s computer. He found emails from Stern Hardy threatening the mayor and his family business. MEGUSTA: So Stern Hardy was trying to squeeze the mayor. But, that doesn’t add up. RWANDA: (on phone) What did you mean? MEGUSTA: Linz spotted the white microbus at another jewelry outlet. The plastic bastard is robbing the place as we speak. Parlor. RWANDA: Oh my God. I know who the robber is! The barrel of a gun pokes Rwanda’s temple. MEGUSTA: (on phone) Who is it?! Her cell phone is taken from her. MEGUSTA: Rwanda?! Hello?! Rwanda!? Rwanda is yanked up out of her chair. OKIE GOON: Let’s go, ghetto booty. Outside, Mona watches Okie’s goons put Rwanda into a sedan and leave. She starts her green microbus and pulls out. Wholesale Outlet. Linz and Chris are against the wall. PLASTIC BASTARD: (muffled) I wanted this to be clean. Quick and easy. But you guys had to keep pushing it. But this isn’t about a family legacy. It’s about a man’s career and I intend to go out with bang. (to goon) Shoot them. CHRIS: Why are you stealing from your own family, Your Honor? The man in the hoody lifts the white plastic mask. The plastic bastard is Mayor Grosscup. GROSSCUP: You’re a smart one. Can’t say the same for your stoner friend here. LINZ: Why’d you do it, Grosscup? GROSSCUP: Retirement sucks. Especially when the city slashes your annual salary. CHRIS: What’s with the underage girls? GROSSCUP: I was keeping my promise to my friend Albert Okie. I couldn’t give him a pardon, but I promised to watch over his business ventures. I hired Stern Hardy to put Russell Rocks out of business for good. But Jerry started monitoring my emails, so I had to dump him. CHRIS: How’s your heart doing? GROSSCUP: Watch a few videos online and you can fake cardiac arrest perfectly. LINZ: I guess that means you were never going to pay us a reward. 27
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS GROSSCUP: Well, I was going to let you and your pals live. But, you couldn’t keep your nose out of my business, Mondello. Now, it’s time to close this case. Linz puts his hands up. LINZ: Passcode: Tango, Echo, Delta. Commence auto-start sequence. Engage. CHRIS: What are you doing?! LINZ: Saving our asses. Okie’s goons take aim. A distant roar is heard. OKIE GOON: What is that? They all look to the font of the store as the Lulzwagen zooms in, smashing into the back to the white microbus, which knocks Okie’s goons over. Grosscup fires at them with an uzi. Linz and Chris jump into the Lulzwagen and back out of the store. Grosscup boards the white van and backs out. Grosscup sticks his left arm out of the driver side window to aim at the Lulzwagen. But the Harlequin rams the white microbus and the uzi falls to the pavement. Grosscup floors it and takes off. Lulzwagen, Harlequin and Sapphire give chase. White microbus. Grosscup dials. GROSSCUP: Is my yacht ready? Good. You have the southern girl? Well done. Grosscup steers through traffic. He just misses hitting a pedestrian. Linz, Chris and Mona are all on three-way via their cell phone speaker options. LINZ: He’s all over the road. CHRIS: Where’s he going? MONA: Anywhere, but prison by my guess. LINZ: We have to get off these residential streets before—whoa! Linz jerks the wheel. CHRIS: Was that a guy in a lobster suit? LINZ: Looked like a crayfish to me. Wholesale outlet. MeGusta watches as his officers round up Okie’s men. His cell phone rings. MEGUSTA: Hello? LINZ: Miguel, the mayor is the plastic bastard! MEGUSTA: What are you talking about? He’s at home resting. LINZ: He faked his heart attack so he could step down. Jordan Grosscup is the jewel thief. MEGUSTA: Are you high, Mondello? LINZ: No. Not yet anyway. 28
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS MEGUSTA: Stern Hardy is the thief. He’s being extradited back to Texas. LINZ: No! Grosscup hired Stern to knock off rival jewelry outlets across the county. MEGUSTA: You mean Russell Rocks Jewelers? LINZ: Right. But when Jerry Cogoggle started snooping through Grosscup’s emails, Grosscup got nervous and cut Stern off without paying him. That’s when Stern started robbing Grosscup jewelry stores instead. MEGUSTA: Well, what about the underage girls? LINZ: Grosscup helped Albert Okie run a human trafficking cartel right under your nose. MEGUSTA: So the stolen diamonds were used to fund the operation? LINZ: That’s right. The girls were merely commodities for trade. MEGUSTA: I’m at the wholesale outlet, but you’re not. Where are you? LINZ: Heading south on Main Road. We’re chasing Grosscup. He’s in a white microbus. MEGUSTA: Stay on him. Don’t let him get away. LINZ: He’s half a mile away from Route 69. He’s making a break for the Shoreline. You need to get your units out here and close off the southbound lane right away! MEGUSTA: (puts cell phone away) You guys come with me. The white microbus speeds through an intersection. After that, dozens of black sedans pull out and block the intersection. CHRIS: You guys see this? LINZ: Yup. And we know exactly how to deal with it, right? MONA: Let’s see what your pal Absurd did to our rides. Linz puts the Lulzwagen into hover mode and flies over the sedans. Mona presses a button with “Chopper” over it. A rotor mast rises from the Harlequin’s roof and a rotor blade comes out. A rotor tail comes out of the back. The wheels turn downward and disappear under the chassis. Landing skids pop out in place of the tires. The Harlequin lifts off the pavement and over the sedans. But the Sapphire stops before the sedans. Okie’s goons get out with guns. CHRIS: You guys should’ve stay out of this. Chris looks to the dashboard. He presses a button with “mecha” over it. The Sapphire spouts mechanical walker legs, lifting the chassis from the pavement. The chassis breaks in half and outcome long mechanical arms with clamps for hands and twin mini-guns on each arm. The mecha moves toward the sedans and raises its forearms. Okie’s goons look at each other and then run off just before the Mecha opens fire on the sedans. CHRIS: Where you going, bitches?! (laughs) Come get some! The mini-guns of the mecha eat holes the black sedans. The mecha walks toward the sedans and begins flipping them over. Then the mecha reverts back to van mode and drives off. 29
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS In the sky overhead are the Lulzwagen and the Harlequin. Below is the Sapphire. CHRIS: Did you guys see that? MONA: Oh my God! That was so bad-ass! LINZ: Looks like more of Okie’s goons are coming your way. Chris presses a button with “baja” over it. CHRIS: Watch this. Sapphire is jacked up on huge shocks and struts as giant monster tires inflate below. MONA: Oh, I am so wet for that. Sapphire makes short work of the black sedans in its way, rolling over them and crushing them. CHRIS: Wwwooooo! Pimp-a-licious, baby! Sapphire reverts back to van mode and joins Lulzwagen and Harlequin on Superhighway 69. Grosscup checks his rearview. The red, green and blue microbuses are gaining on him. He begins to weave through traffic. He clips an SUV and rams an economy wagon. GROSSCUP: Get out of the way! (cell phone rings) What?! MEGUSTA: What the hell are you doing, Jordan?! GROSSCUP: Why are you bothering me? I’m trying to rest! MEGUSTA: Look to your right. Grosscup sees MeGusta in his squad car, gesturing for Grosscup to pull it over. The white microbus slams into MeGusta’s squad car. MEGUSTA: Son of a bitch! MeGsuta’s cell phone beeps. He looks at the display. It’s a picture of Rwanda bound with duct tape. MEGUSTA: Oh no. GROSSCUP: You see that, Captain?! I have a hostage! Tell your cops to back off, or I’ll order my men to shoot her! You got that!? MeGusta backs off and lets Grosscup go. LINZ: What are you doing, Miguel!? You had him! MEGUSTA: Grosscup has Rwanda. If we don’t back off, he’ll kill her. CHRIS: He’s bluffing. (checks his beeping cell phone) Damn it! MONA: We can’t let him get away. LINZ: If we keep chasing him, he’ll kill Rwanda. The three microbuses slow down. LINZ: If he gets into international water, we can’t touch him. CHRIS: I have a plan. Follow me. The Lulzwagen, Harlequin and MeGusta’s squad car follow the Sapphire. 30
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS The Shore. Boarding dock. Grosscup comes off of a huge yacht to see Okie’s last two goons pull up in a black sedan. They bring Rwanda to Grosscup. GROSSCUP: Put her on board. After they do this, they return and stand before the boarding plank, blocking it. GROSSCUP: If you gentlemen will excuse me, I have to get out to sea. OKIE GOON 1: Just a second, Gross Cock. OKIE GOON 2: We want our payment. GROSSCUP: Oh, yes! Your payment. (goes into pocket) I’ve got it right here. Grosscup pops both goons in the chest and they fall backward into the water. GROSSCUP: Thank you for doing business with Grosscup Jewelers. The yacht pulls off. The three microbuses arrive on the boardwalk with MeGusta’s squad car. Linz and Mona get out of their vans and meet with MeGusta. MEGUSTA: He’s too far out. LINZ: Not for Chris, he isn’t. CHRIS: That’s right, baby. (pulls off) Sapphire has one last surprise. MEGUSTA: What are you guys going to do? LINZ: We need to get Grosscup’s attention off of Rwanda. (points to MeGusta) No cops! Chris drives down a nearby ramp. MEGSUTA: Where the hell is he going?! Sapphire converts to baja mode, moves across the sand, drives into the water and disappears. MEGUSTA: I just had to ask. LINZ: Let’s go Mona. Linz and Mona get into the Harlequin and go down the ramp. MEGSUTA: What is this?! Microbus Suicide Day?! Harlequin converts to speedboat mode and takes off after the yacht. MEGUSTA: Either I’m smoking some bad bud, or I’m higher than giraffe poon right now. Out at sea. Grosscup sits across from Rwanda with a glass of champagne. RWANDA: (shows bound wrists) Is this really necessary? GROSSCUP: (sips) You know, I’ve always had a thing for dark meat. Rwanda sees the Harlequin in the distance. She sees a shotgun next to Grosscup’s chair. Then she looks to a machine gun mounted on the bow of the yacht. RWANDA: I’m all natural, sugar. 31
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS GROSSCUP: Oh, I believe you. RWANDA: (stands up) You like my body? GROSSCUP: Oh, yes. RWANDA: (approaches) Then why I don’t give you a lap dance, Your Honor? GROSSCUP: (shows pistol) That’s close enough. Now strip. Rwanda begins a sultry dance in her tight, long sleeve black dress and black pumps. GROSSCUP: Let me see them toes, baby. Rwanda kicks off her black pumps and dances barefoot on the bow. GROSSCUP: (unzips pants) Oh yeah! Turn around. Take off your dress. Slowly. Rwanda notices the Harlequin in speedboat mode getting closer. She turns her back to him and begins rolling up the bottom of her dress up and around her huge hips. Grosscup puts his pistol down on the table with his glass and pops open a bottle of lube. Rwanda continues to pull up her dress until her bare buttocks are exposed with her thong. GROSSCUP: Damn, girl. (bites bottom lip) Dat Ass! LINZ: (OS) Give it up, Jordan! Grosscup grabs his pistol, gets up and goes to the starboard side of the yacht. He opens fire on the Harlequin and it moves past the yacht. He reloads his pistol, puts it away and gets behind the mounted machine gun. He aims it and fires on the distant Harlequin. Rwanda looks to the table and sees a black velvet pouch. She looks to Grosscup and down at her body. Grosscup growls as the Harlequin moves further away. Then he swings the machine gun around at Rwanda. The velvet bag is missing. GROSSCUP: Now you’re being naughty girl. Rwanda notices something emerging from the water beyond the bow of the yacht. GROSSCUP: What’d you do with my diamonds? RWANDA: (nervously) What diamonds? Grosscup adjusts the optical sight until its dead center at Rwanda’s chest. GROSSCUP: I was really starting to like you too. (grins wickedly) So long, sugar. Water sprays up behind Grosccup. Something blue and white launches out of the water and lands on the bow, crushing the machine gun and knocking Grosscup away from the machine on to the deck. Chris gets out of the Sapphire in submarine mode and approaches Grosscup. CHRIS: It’s over, Your Honor. GROSSCUP: Only for you, playa. Grosscup turns to Chris on his knees and goes into his pants for his pistol. A shotgun racks and the barrel is put to his head. Grosscup sees Rwanda holding the 12 gauge. He smiles and drops the pistol. Chris waves his arms as the Harlequin approaches. Rwanda puts her knee to Grosscup’s back and binds him with plastic restraints. 32
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS RWANDA: So you like turning out underage girls, huh? You like tying them up and selling them like livestock? How’s it feel, Your Honor? GROSSCUP: I like it when you’re rough, mistress. Rwanda jams the stock of the shotgun at the back of Grosscup’s head. GROSSCUP: (screams) Got damn it! Rwanda pulls Grosscup up. RWANDA: If I was still a cop, I’d put one in your head and thrown you over board. CHRIS: But then the sharks would get kiddie diddler indigestion. Rwanda shoves Grosscup down into his chair. Chris checks Rwanda out. CHRIS: You ain’t been on this an hour and you already got your ass out? RWANDA: Shut up. LINZ: (OS) Hey! Rwanda and Chris look off the starboard side of the yacht. LINZ: You guys about to party on this floating mansion or what? Chris looks to Rwanda. CHRIS: Bring your Cougar onboard and it’s on. Linz smiles at Mona. Mona pulls him close and kisses him. CHRIS: (howls) Get it in, Linzy baby! Rwanda presses up against Chris. RWANDA: Let’s do it. Right here. Right now. CHRIS: (shows hands) Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute now. RWANDA: What? CHRIS: (points past her) I’m not getting’ naked in front of him. They both see Grosscup with googley eyes and a demented smile. Boardwalk. Mayor Grosscup is put into a squad car and taken away. MeGusta approaches Linz, Mona, Chris and Rwanda with Mac and Councilman Cogoggle. He shakes Linz and Chris’ hands. MEGUSTA: Good work, you two. We’ve rounded up all of Okie’s men, the girls from the hotels are back with their families and Jordan Grosscup is going away for a long time. MAC: You’re a hero, Mondello. LINZ: Nah. I couldn’t have done it without Chris here. CHRIS: Baby, it is all good. MEGUSTA: Ramona, I had Judge Blumberg speak to the judge presiding over your case. If you stay here and do some community service at the homeless shelter, you’ll be free and clear. MONA: Thank you, Captain. MEGUSTA: It would have been nice to have those diamonds Jordan stole. 33
2 RAUNCH 2 RIGHTEOUS RWANDA: The diamonds are in the safe on the yacht, captain. MEGUSTA: Good work, mistress. Maybe you can work for me some time. MeGusta joins his officers as they go aboard the yacht. The gang heads back to their vans. CHRIS: I’mma have to stick around and keep you outta trouble, Linzy. LINZ: Who me? I’m a laid back guy. You know that. MONA: Listen, when I’m done my community service, I have a trailer I rent in Vileboro. Maybe you can come by and we’ll smash chassis. Mona grins and walks away. MAC: Now that is big beautiful woman. How old is she? LINZ: I lost track. Mona winks at Linz before she pulls off in her green microbus. MAC: Everything’s cool now. COGOGGLE: Not for the city, it isn’t. LINZ: What are you on about, Jerry? COGOGGLE: Jordan is gone. Now Cankerton doesn’t have a mayor. They all stare at Councilman Coegoggle. COGOGGLE: What? MAC: How does Mayor Coegoggle sound to you? COGOGGLE: Like medieval torture. MAC: Wonderful. (pulls Cogoggle along) Let’s get started on your campaign. RWANDA: I’ll be your campaign manager. CHRIS: Rwanda. (tosses her keys) You can take the Sapphire. RWANDA: Oh! Wait. Rwanda grunts like shes taking a crap and pulls a black velvet bag from her behind. She gives it to Chris and walks away. Linz sniffs the bag and gags. LINZ: She had that stuffed in her ass?! CHRIS: Amazing, isn’t she? (opens bag) She can put her entire fist in there. Chris dumps out several small cut diamonds and shows them to Linz. LINZ: Damn. Her colon must be a diamond mine. CHRIS: So, you coming back to the Church or what? LINZ: Eventually. (pushes buttons on wrist remote) But first… The Lulzwagen pulls up loaded with girls in bikinis. Linz and Chris smile at each other. CHRIS: Carry on? LINZ: Carry on! They laugh, fist pound and move toward the Lulzwagen. 34