The Cheese Grater The award-winning student magazine of UCL Union
Issue 32 - December 2011
THIS MONTH Johnson Resigns
Pi Newspaper in “transphobia” scandal p.3
Malc’s Mastectomy
www.cheesegratermagazine.org
NO ROOM AT THE No. 25 March 2010
HOLIDAY INN? Provost charges College for expenses while travelling as part of a trade delegation
A new home for the Portico dome? p.4
O Little Town of Bentham-hem
Provosty the Snowman’s Novel Noël p.4
Zelter Skelter
Is Eastern European philosophy on the slide? p.5
Hey Sportsfans!
FIFA boss argues the toss; spouts racist dross p.6
Four Hackings and a Funeral
Leveson no phone unturned p.7
Movember, Mo’ problems
“I was just checking his prostate” p.8
Le Royal Meridien Hotel, Abu Dhabi Hannah Sketchley As if a salary of £376,190 a year were not enough, UCL has been funding the lavish lifestyle of UCL Provost, Professor Malcolm Grant as he travels the world as part of a trade delegation on supposed UCL business, according to a Freedom of Information request made by The Cheese Grater. While on a tour of the Middle East in February 2010 with then Business Secretary, Peter Mandelson, Grant spent one night in Le Meridian Royal Hotel in Abu Dhabi, and another two in the Four Seasons Hotel in Doha, Qatar. The cost to College for the three night stay: £878.10.
The Provost’s Office vehemently denies that he was there in an ambassadorial capacity and maintains that gaining governmental approval for the opening of the UCL Qatar Campus and discussion with the Emir of Qatar falls within his College purview rather than in his role as Business Ambassador, but the fact remains that UCL has shelled out nearly a thousand pounds in hotel expenses for this trip alone. When The Cheese Grater called Le Meridian seeking prices for the coming February, it was offered a room costing just £74.18, including taxes. Even the luxurious Diplomat Suite came in a snip at £278.41 for the night, a far cry from the
£425.76 UCL was charged by Grant. Grant does not lay off the heavy spending when on official business: he amassed £18,707.90 in the academic year 2009–10 and £19,335.30 in the year preceding that, sometimes spending almost £500 per night on hotels whilst away. He clocked up an entertainment bill of £2113.22 and a further £1284.96 phone bill over the year. Correction: This article was originally published stating that the Provost stayed only one night in the Four Seasons Hotel in Doha, Qatar. We have been informed that the figure of £452.34 actually covers two nights stay in the hotel.
2 The Cheese Grater December 2011
Down Your Union
No Confidence, No Choice and No Change: The Emergency Members’ Meeting Norman De Plume After the well-publicised failings of campus democracy so far this year (see CG31), it came as a surprise to many that the Emergency Members’ Meeting on 1 December actually got going. More surprising still was the queue of around 150 people who waited for up to an hour in the rain just to participate. Even after approximately 70 had been turned away (once the venue had reached capacity) a remaining 30 students stuck it out in case any of those already inside chose to leave. Such enthusiasm was the result of the most controversial agenda for years. The first item: “Does UCLU have confidence in Malcolm Grant as President and Provost of UCL?” had already ignited vigorous online debate (albeit from the usual suspects), while questions over the Union’s exact stance on Pro-Choice, and on whether UCLU should take a position on global issues such as the Israel/Palestine conflict drew a large and diverse crowd.
Research Grant
No confidence in Grant was eventually confirmed by 160 votes to 86 (28 abstentions), with Trotsky Inc darling Michael Chessum boldly describing Prof Grant as “odious”. Chessum also attacked the Provost for associating UCL with “one of the most controversial and divisive” Coalition policies through his appointment as NHS Commis-
sioning Board Chair. Chessum also argued on the logistical basis that Grant would become a ‘part-time Provost’ following his NHS appointment – a questionable claim considering that after only
a few months in his Commissioning board role his time commitment will fall from two days a week to one, allowing him to maintain his previous four days a week at College. Yet dirtier tricks were on show as Chessum claimed that when accompanying David Cameron as a Business Ambassador “[Grant] was part of a delegation that sold arms to various people in the Middle East, though I don’t know what they’re doing in Tahrir Square now.” Passionate support for Grant was provided by Alex Rossdeutsch, a final year medical student, who strongly defended Grant’s research record. UCLU Conservative Society committee members Sam Firth and Matt Corner also waded in, painting Grant as nonpartisan and as a league table magician respectively. Again there was a whiff of foul play: the global league table in which UCL typically performs best didn’t exist before Grant’s tenure, making comparison impossible. On the day following the meeting, Grant’s office confirmed that he had not yet made any comment on the result, while a UCL spokesperson said, “We don’t believe that this vote necessarily reflects majority opinion among the student body at UCL – many students were unable to get into the meeting.” While historically it has taken sustained opposition from senior staff to oust a Provost, given the Eastern Bloc ebullience that greeted the result, The Cheese Grater eagerly
Aborted
The motion to take an explicitly prochoice Union stance met with stiff opposition from several sides. Some considered the motion pointless, given existing support offered by the Welfare Officer and Rights and Advice Centre. Others thought the requirement to invite a pro-choice and pro-life speaker, as well as an independent chair, to any society event focussed on termination was too meddlesome. That all of the arguments against the motion were made by men was a source of rage to one member of the audience who, when the floor was opened to questions, called the spectacle “disgusting”. This was decreed to be “not a question, but a sad statement of fact” by Union Chair, Zubair Idris. The motion was defeated 124 – 88 (24 abstentions) to cries of “shame”.
One Union, one view?
Unlikely to calm proceedings was the last motion on the agenda, which would have signalled intent for the Union to avoid taking stances on divisive global issues. More controversial however, is that the motion would also have overturned Union support for Palestinian right to education, dutifully rubber stamped by Union Council the previous week. The main bone of contention was that the motion focussed on two entirely separate issues: whether more policy should be set at Members’ Meetings and referenda, and what the Union position on Israel/Palestine ought to be. As the proposers denied that they were against the Palestinian right to education, but proceeded to plough on with their attempts to overturn Union support for it, debate became quite heated in the room. Edwin Clifford-Coupe receiving an official ticking off for heckling from the Chair, though this was somewhat unsurprising given his track record (see CG31). The motion eventually fell by 131 – 55 (10 abstentions), leaving Council’s decision intact. Unfortunately, due to the number of people who could not get into the meeting, all three items will be put to an online referendum in the New Year – definitive answers on Grant, termination and Palestinian education will have to wait, although until the referendum reaches quorum, the EMM results will stand. A queue: Probably Skuse’s fault It therefore remains to be seen if the awaits the next move. This is bound to be UCL campus actually takes these positions either the removal of Grant from office or on Grant, termination and Palestinian educathe ceremonial presentation of his body on a tion, or if (as is generally the case in student politics) these are just the views of those who gibbet in the quad. queued first and have the loudest voices.
December 2011 The Cheese Grater 3
Pi Newspaper Editor Resigns Samuel Johnson resigns as Editor of Pi Newspaper John Bell Samuel Johnson has resigned as editor of Pi Newspaper after uproar over insensitive comments made in the column “Pi Diary”, written by Johnson himself. The column referred to the recently filled Trans Rep position on the UCLU LGBT Society committee. Johnson wrote: “Pi Diary wishes every success to the lucky man – or woman, as the case may be. The rules are indeed somewhat confusing.
Johnson’s Last Pi
At what exact point is the transition between genders made?” Johnson later added: “how scrupulously the committee checks is a grey area.” The column sparked fury on Facebook and other social networking sites. Stef Newton, UCLU LGBT Officer, called it “a factually inaccurate, disgusting display of transphobia”. A Pi Media committee meeting was held on 9 December to decide the society response to the developing situation. Johnson resigned with immediate effect after a vote of 5-1 against his continuing as editor (with two abstentions, of which one was Johnson). Johnson told The Cheese Grater: “I’d have liked the opportunity to apologise publicly via Pi Newspaper, as I already have done to those who wrote to me and the individual concerned. For the most part the complainants were very understanding and accepted my explanation of the article, which was never intended to target a specific individual. However, if the committee had lost confidence in me, it was right to resign.” However, Johnson is
unhappy with his treatment by the Pi Media Committee, feeling his resignation to be the product of a witch-hunt. Johnson told The Cheese Grater: “I will be using my new free time to look into the hitherto unexposed issue of discrimination against white, straight, middle-class males at UCL.” Annie Tidbury, UCLU Women’s Network Social Secreatary, said: “the fact that Johnson is making jokes like this shows that he isn’t sorry at all. Making light of transphobia is exactly what got him into trouble in the first place.” Oscar Webb, Pi Newspaper Focus Editor, said: “Johnson’s comments were hugely offensive and just plain ignorant - his personal views were completely out of touch with most UCL students’ views - therefore I welcome his resignation.” Eight complaints have been made about the column, six from UCL students, one from a lecturer and one from a member of the public. In his response to a complaint, Johnson wrote: “I’m sorry you were offended by the article, which was intended in the spirit of jest that Pi Diary directs at many UCL clubs and societies. While I’m sorry [the UCLU LGBT Trans Rep] was offended, and will be speaking to him to apologise and explain that nothing was intended personally, I do think it would be
inappropriate to treat LGBT Society with kid gloves or any less equally than we would treat any other society. I would like to think UCL students are big enough to make their own minds up on these issues and are willing to respect all views, even those they may find distasteful. “Again, the article was not intended maliciously and I’m sorry you took it that way. However, I do feel that in a free society there should be no groups not open to a little mockery.” Stef Newton told The Cheese Grater: “I was shocked and disgusted to read this article, and even more appalled when complaints about it were met with militant ignorance. In a day and age when 50% of trans students report transphobic abuse in their universities, it is unacceptable that these sort of comments appear in student publications, and the issue must be treated with complete seriousness.” Pi Newspaper Co-Editor Henry Green commented on Facebook: “Deepest apologies to UCL’s LGBT community and individuals mentioned in the most recent Pi Diary. I most certainly didn’t write it but I should have been stronger in my convictions and stopped its publication. Honestly, I’m not a dick and those views aren’t mine or the paper’s as a whole.”
“Observe and protect”
Undercover security guards are allegedly used to monitor College activism Nicole Badstuber UCL is employing undercover security guards to “observe and protect”, sources have claimed. In addition to checking campus notice boards and social networking sites for announcements of planned meetings and student activism, UCL allegedly also employs security staff who operate “all across campus” and wear ‘normal’ clothing. Three different members of security staff have confirmed the existence of undercover security guards. One such conversation with The Cheese Grater ended “I probably should not have told you that.” According to sources, infor-
mation gathered is then used to increase marked security at times of likely protest. The registry and Provost’s office are regularly closed off for this reason. Mark West, UCL Estates Security Manager, strenuously denied these claims, insisting that UCL does not employ undercover security guards. When confronted with the information that three different guards confirmed the existence of undercover security, West suggested that these guards are confused with the ‘secret shoppers’ that are used to check that marked security guards are doing their jobs. These ‘secret shoppers’ are employed to conduct ‘penetration
tests’ where they must try to ‘break in’ by entering campus without a card. According to West, the secret shoppers are used only to gauge customer service. According to West, contract security must wear and show their security badges at all times: it would be illegal for private security guards to go undercover. None of the security guards The Cheese Grater spoke to had met an undercover security guard, and one suggested that they work on a different team. West told The Cheese Grater: “Security does not have a problem with their own students, as they have the right to protest and to speech.”
4 The Cheese Grater December 2011
Dome’t Go Changing Tough titties for UCL hemisphere hounds
“I always thought it looked students. This could ultimately be upstairs that the Portico dome and the BT tower are parts of a mosque “I suppose I’ll have to go back to “Students of the Amazon” we promised him we’d build. If downloading masses of porn through Society were also in support, saying Grant carries on with these plans, we eduroam when it’s gone!” “The Portico is yet another of our could get majorly rumbled!” UCLU “Rachel Eyre Welfare” noble sisters to sacrifice a breast for Democracy and Welfare Officer was delighted with the greater good; tit for tat.” Communications Officer James the plans, commenting “From a Not all student groups were Skuse struck a wistful note: “When welfare perspective, speaking as pleased by the announcement, I was but a powerless underling, welfare officer, the presence of an however. iSoc spokesperson Jawad I would look up at the dome and enormous funbag looming over the Farouk commented: “We’ve think ‘Maybe it is possible for a giant, quad might upset and intimidate managed to convince the man useless boob to look important!’”
Asbestos Garibaldi like a booby,” giggled a student, damaging in terms of welfare.” As part of Provost Malcolm Grant’s “Bloomsbury Masterplan”, work will soon begin on entirely removing the historical dome that sits atop UCL’s Portico. The feature will be demolished to put an end to professors and students alike being held up for lectures and meetings by the allure of a mighty green teat.
THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN OCCUPIED #OccupyCheeseGrater
Did you know that 1% of the articles that this magazine publishes represent over half the real comedy.? We are part of the 99%; the chuckle articles; the ones that might raise the corners of your mouth into a feeble smirk or perhaps garner the dreaded “laugh on the inside”, but will never be remembered or suggested to friends.
The Last Taboo
We are occupying this article in peaceful protest of the system. The system needs to change because it’s not working and we will continue this action until it is working. Let’s get to work on making the system work.
London’s Glo-hoho-bal University
Merry Christmas from The Cheese Grater UCL Provost Professor Malcolm Grant is attempting to cash in on Christmas cheer by adorning the UCL website with a lot of yuletide tat. The site now features a “.gif” animation of Grant shaking his belly like a bowl full of jelly, as well as an invitation to join the jolly old Provost in his annual carolling through the Ampthill Estate. Gone are the UCL homepage links to studying and working at the university, replaced with a checklist of 10 ways to make your coursework more festive, including “printing on green shiny wrapping paper”, and “baking your dissertation into a traditional Christmas cake”. As a nod to inclusivity, the words “Chanukah”, “Eid”, and “Festivus” are listed at the bottom of the page.
The Provost will be hosting a grotto in his office and has been seen receiving large-volume deliveries of goose fat in the cloisters. Those staying over Christmas will find him wassailing in the corridors of halls, fired up on eggnog and demanding milk and cookies. Following intense negotiations, this year’s Santa’s Grotto will be moved from South Cloisters – instead, the Provost will be inviting students to his office to sit on his greasy knees. Jeremy Bentham will take centrestage in a multi-faith nativity pageant: dressed as Moses he will welcome three incarnations of the Buddha as they bring gold, frankincense and a photo of Cliff Richard in tribute to the new-born god Vishnu.
Grant: “Kiss me, yule love it.”
Contributors: Nicole Badstuber, John Bell, Alex Daish, James Donaldson-Briggs, Sam Gaus, Emily McGovern, Nisha Gaind, Adam Gillett, Ryan Hakimian, Elizabeth Jones, Yohann Koshy, George Potts, Will Rowland, David Simpson, Hannah Sketchley, Oscar Webb and Madeline Wee.
Profile: Jan Zelter
December 2011 The Cheese Grater 5
A rare interview with the intellectual Jan Zelter I first meet Jan Zelter as he opens the front door to his sizeable town house on a leafy Islington street. He looks exactly as you would expect an east-European intellectual to look - crumpled sports jacket and comfortable shoes; horn-rimmed spectacles, thick grey eyebrows and a charred hay bale of a beard. Jan leads me upstairs to his study. The antique oak bookshelves are refreshingly void of books, instead containing only several piles of loose change, a half-full bottle of peach schnapps and a no doubt ironic, but nevertheless somewhat sticky, copy of Juggs. Zelter’s first book was the polemical ‘When Philosophers go at it!’. He says of the work “I wanted to challenge the Anglophone hegemony that presupposes that Hegel and Kant never met in person. I argued not only that they did meet, but that they became embroiled in a passionate affair. It is clear to me that The Critque of Pure Reason is a thinly veiled love letter to Hegel’s prong.” The book became a bestseller by titillating the public with its lurid claims and lack of historical basis and in doing so made Zelter a wealthy man. Undeterred by academics voting him “the most vapid man in
intellectual inquiry”, Zelter began to publish often and widely, including such luminary texts as ‘Fasten your Seat Belts: From Here to Modernity’, ‘Origami for One’ and ‘How to Convince a Woman you are
while reclining in his huge, recently refurbished stainless steel and marbletop kitchen. “My methodological approach was to adopt the postLacanian hermeneutic relationship between subject and object – that
Sweaty and vapid: Jan Zelter Reliable by Telling Them Over and Over Again that you are Reliable’. His latest, “I’m Okay, if Euro que?” is about the relationship between the current Eurozone crisis and the national dishes of those countries in trouble. Fittingly, he speaks of the book
is, between food and country” says Zelter, unwrapping a Babybel. “In Greece’s case we can observe that if you remove all the consonants from the word ‘taramasalata’ you are left with the scream of a collapsing civilization. In Spain’s case we see that anagram of ‘paella’ is pain.”
When I point out that pain has an ‘n’ in it Zelter bangs his hip on the breakfast bar and has to lie down. In fact Zelter, like so many great minds before him, has his fair share of eccentricities. For example, when asked a factual question he will excuse himself to the bathroom with his laptop tucked under his arm, muffled clicking and curiously English swearing can be heard. Periodically his beard or eyebrows would fall off and he would attempt to distract me before hastily reaffixing them. We move into Zelter’s palatial drawing room, adorned in faux leather and expensive contemporary art. I ask him about his ex-wife, whose picture is still on the mantlepiece above the ten foot wide fire. “Freud says that when a woman leaves you, she is really just leaving herself. However, my wife left in my BMW with the handsome gardener I had just paid ten grand to rotate my rockery”. He picks up her photo and looks at it with a great sadness. Suddenly, I see the human being behind the intimidating intellect. As a single tear rolls down his cheek he tells me “I loved that woman with all my heart”. And then his beard and eyebrows fall off.
Exodus for Leviticus (Unless she’s got enough God Points)
Squeegee Beckenheim ally my husband David really Mystery shrouds the faith school admissions process. How low will some people stoop to secure a place at a prestigious Catholic School? A Cheese Grater reporter went along to find out, gaining exclusive access to one such institution. Sitting in the parents’ waiting area, I spoke to a couple whose daughter, Leviticus, was one of the first applicants to be interviewed. After Leviticus had dutifully filed into the headmistress’ office, I asked the parents to explain the bleeding wounds to her hands. The mother responded excitedly: “Well, actu-
ought to take the credit for that. He heard from someone at work that marks of stigmata really impress the interviewers.” “I was worried that since we missed the deadline with scheduling a beatification…” she glared at David, “…we would be totally fucked. I mean, I still think that Immaculate Conception would have been best, but I suppose it’s no use thinking about all that now” she sighed, and glared at her husband once again. I had hoped to get a few words from Leviticus herself, however upon her return from
the interview room she spoke only in tongues. The Catholic headmistress provided a delightful insight into the mentality of her establishment. Upon our scheduled arrival at her office, she rasped: “oh for fuck’s sake. Would you watch where you step, there’s still a bit of blood on the carpet from the children performing The Passion.” She then opened the large bible on her desk and stubbed out her cigarette on the ashtray concealed within. Attending a church service at the affiliated parish, I witnessed the shocking effect of the school’s admissions criteria.
Hundreds of altar servers lined the aisles, shunting one another out of the way. I asked one boy, Matthew, whether he found any of this façade at all ridiculous. He told me “I’ll tell you what’s ridiculous: Mark only joined two weeks ago and he already gets to hold the candles! I had to wait three bloody years to get candles!” I became eager to leave, afraid that the pungent incense might have a mind-altering effect on my already weary mind. As I left, mothers flooded into the church, busily fulfilling their roles as flower-arranging, organplaying Eucharistic ministers.
6 The Cheese Grater December 2011
Raging Bullshit
Fight of the century: Netanyahu vs. Abbas foot’. The ox-like PM is cloaked
Abbas already has Netan- his back. The distressed fighters,
Carlton Banks in a light-blue silk robe. His ston- yahu in a tight headlock: the Is- contorted by spinal spasms, lie The air is electric. Almost twenty thousand people of all persuasions cram into the main amphitheatre in the Earl’s Court Exhibition Centre. From pinstriped gents to the cardiganed elderly, the magnetism is universal. At 1800 exactly, the lights are dimmed. Several spotlights circulate the crowd. Silence cloaks the entire arena, save for the sporadic crunches of vended pitta and hummus. A cavernous tenor fills the arena. ‘Ladies and gentlemen. Fighting out of the blue corner, we have a formidable fighter. Weighing in at 235 pounds and standing at 6-feet-4-inches, he is the beast of Bethlehem, the hulk of the Holy Land: he is the current Prime Minister of Israel, Mr. Benjamin Netanyaaaahuuuu’. The arena erupts in deafening cheers as Netanyahu enters to the bellicose bass of Kasabian’s ‘Club-
ey face is calcified in a glare of marble determination. The crowd’s infectious static begins to subside as the announcer’s voice returns. ‘Fighting out of the green corner, weighing in at a modest 128 pounds and standing at 5-feet-6 inches, is the President of the Palestinian National Authority - make some noise for Mahmoud Abbaaaas’. Once again, the cheering deafens. However, before the shimmering cymbals of ELO’s ‘Evil Woman’ dissolve into its jaunty piano riff, the pint-sized negotiator sprints into the arena and dives into the ring at lightning speed. The two men circle each other. The crowd hums with excitement. A hysterical school teacher grabs me by the shoulder; ‘This is fucking it! They’re gonna fucking kill each other!’. I affect an enthusiastic grin before turning back to the ring.
raeli’s silver locks float over his scarlet face. A vein in his forehead balloons, spit strings from his lips. He quickly counters by delivering an industrial fist into the Palestinian’s flabby gut. Abbas releases his grip and crumbles into the canvas. Netanyahu delivers his steel-toecapped boot into side of Abbas’ head. The sharp snap of metal and skull, like a gunshot, disappears into the air. Abbas has bitten his tongue, spitting out foamy gluts of teeth and blood into the air. Netanyahu proceeds to thump his chest and scream. Could it already be over? Before the thought materialises, Abbas pounces to his feet and decides to play dirty. He jumps on Netanyahu’s back, wraps his arms and legs around his torso and sinks his teeth into his neck. The Israeli bellows before dropping to the floor. Abbas, crapulous from his cracked skull, is also on
twitching in the ring. The crowd begins to go quiet. Soon all I can hear is the slow and heavy panting of the two politicians. In this momentary silence, pregnant with tension, both Abbas and Netanyahu begin to shit themselves. Their boxing shorts cannot hold back the faeces that spews like hot lava onto the bloodied canvas. The fight is over. The referee declares it a draw. Disappointed, the spectators begin to leave the amphitheatre. We are hurried by the Earl’s Court stewards, who have only a few hours to clean up before the Coldplay gig at 9. I leave the building and head towards the Tube station. My oyster card doesn’t work, however, encouraging me to ‘Seek Assistance’. I head to the ticket machine and top it up.
Sepp Blatter Shock
Wealthy, balding white man isn’t racist, honest tellectual Rio Ferdinand, who state considers homosexuality
JD Becchio tweeted in response “you are very illegal, he winked and replied FIFA President Sepp Blatter has denied allegations he’s racist by claiming racism doesn’t actually exist. A defiant Blatter stated, “Racism is a myth. The concept of discrimination based on race was merely an idea dreamt up by my enemies to discredit me as President. The term ‘racist’ was only invented after my 1998 election win, probably by a black man. Growing up on the Swiss-German border in the 1930’s and 40’s I clearly remember there were no prejudices based on ethnicity whatsoever. This shows that the concept of racism is nothing more than a contemporary illusion.” Blatter’s stance has angered many footballers, including England defender and Twitter in-
ignorant and bad man. I don’t like you” and later, “Shepherd’s pie for tea tonight! Yum yum. #gravy.” This is not the first time the FIFA President has courted controversy. In 2010 he claimed gay people should “refrain from any sexual activities” during the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. Asked if his opinion has changed, Blatter responded: “No, I would like to apologise to the homosexual community for what I said. You see, I have recently discovered that I am in fact a homosexual in a major way. I now actively encourage homosexuals to take part in as many sexual activities as possible at the 2022 World Cup, preferably in public.” After being reminded that the Qatari
“tee hee hee, I’m so naughty.” Sepp’s light-hearted mood quickly darkened however, when a reporter from The Cheese Grater questioned him on calls for his resignation. “People have thrown many offensive comments my way over the years, calling me things like; corrupt, sexist, Swiss – but this is the greatest insult of them all. How dare they call for me to resign? Me – the man who single-handedly invented the Golden Goal rule! How dare they? How fucking dare they?” At this point Blatter rose from his seat, tilted his head back and began furiously gesticulating towards his own face whilst screaming the words ‘I am foot-
ball’ over and over. After 40 minutes the FIFA President was eventually restrained and tranquilised. A FIFA representative later dismissed this incident, putting Blatter’s actions down to the stress of having been spooked by a mascot dressed as a big blue dog.
December 2011 The Cheese Grater 7
NEWS Leveson Inquiry: Hugh Grant | Guardian Live BLOG into the puddle of blood that has pooled on the floor around him.
M.E. Forster 8:45am: Good morning and welcome the day three of the Leveson inquiry. 9:05am: Hugh Grant is brought in, bleeding. There is a large gash in his flank, and his right arm seems almost severed, dangling by a thread. Grant sits down uncomfortably. Addressed by Lord Justice Leveson, Grant tells the crowded courtroom: “The Mail on Sunday hired people to hack me! I can’t believe they hired people to hack me! [Pointing to the lawyer for the defence] Look, he’s holding what they hacked me with!” The lawyer for the defence is holding a bloodied scimitar. There is much whispering from the crowd. Justice Leveson probes Mr. Robert Jay QC, the Mail on Sunday lawyer for defence, while Grant continues to bleed. 9:11am: Grant’s right arm falls off and he pleads for adjournment so he can get to a hospital; Lord Leveson refuses on grounds of limited time but passes Grant a tissue to mop up the blood. 9:14am: Grant begins his account of the hacking: ‘Well you see, a short time ago I was in contact with a Warner Brothers executive…’ Grant winks at an attractive woman in the audience. ‘…over an upcoming film. She had a lovely plummy English voice. In the film I star as a dashing English gentleman underdog who eventually gets the beautiful girl. Anyway occasionally when I’d phone up to speak to the nice charming English Warner Brothers executive…’ Grant winks again, at the same woman. ‘…we’d joke about English stuff like Marmite, because she was English. Did
I mention she had a plummy voice and was English?’ Grant vomits. 9:15am: Angrily, Leveson tells Grant to stop throwing up and wasting time and get to his point. Grant continues: ‘In the hallway earlier I got talking to that chap over there with the sword. I was telling him all about that nice lovely plummy English girl and all about my new film where I play a charming English gentleman underdog. I was asking him if he’d ever seen Notting Hill or Four Weddings or Love Actually; ‘what you’ve never seen Four Weddings!!’ I kept saying to him jokily, then I did the voice from my film Micky Blue Eyes ‘forged about id’, ‘get the heel outta here’; when he just lost it and lunged at me with his scimitar.’ Leveson tells Grant to “shut up”. 9:17am: A quite shocking scene: the lawyer for the defence jumps at Grant and chops off his other arm with the scimitar. Quite composed, Grant continues: ‘Yes, this kind of thing often happens to me, being a charming English gentleman underdog who always gets the… plummy girl… plummy girl… plummy… plummy… plum-mmm-eee’ At this final ‘plummy’ Grant slumps over the table. 9:30am: Grant’s body slides off his seat
9:32am: Leveson has come to his verdict. He announces: ‘Mr. Jay, you may be guilty of manslaughter however understandable, considering the victim. But it is not for me to say as this is the Leveson enquiry and not the law courts. I find your client, the Mail on Sunday, not guilty of hacking. Thank you for your testimony. Next on the court’s docket is Jeremy Clarkson. Please bring him in.’ 9:35am: Hugh Grant’s dismembered corpse and two arms are removed from the courtroom. 9:39am: An attendant arrives with a hefty black bin-liner.
Overheard by News of the World Voicemail left for Hugh Grant: “Hey Hugh, just to let you know your dry cleaning is ready - call by any time to pick up.” •
• Voicemail left for Anne Diamond: “Hi Anne, it’s Jeremy from C&S Sofas? The sofa is still scheduled to be delivered tomorrow morning; if that is a problem could you call me back.” • Voicemail left for James Murdoch: “James, it’s your Dad. We have to cover up this voicemail hacking.”
8 The Cheese Grater December 2011
Mumsnet against Movember
Maternal moaning as tufty top lips raise money and hell time warp back to the 1970’s. It “These hipsters are perturned out I had fallen asleep on verse and revolting,” a further Furious Mumsnet users the Metropolitan line and woken mother grumbled. “Prison is too have railed against the Movemup in Uxbridge.” good for them - at least the paeber Foundation following condos know that what they’re doing cerns over children’s safety. is wrong.” “It’s just not safe for chilThe Movember Foundation dren” one enraged mother comreacted by officially stating: “The mented below a ‘tip’ on using Movember movement merely boiled eggs as hand warmers, aims to raise awareness and mon“you can’t tell the difference beey for Prostate Cancer charities tween stereotypical paedophiles in the UK. We do not in any way and humourless, attention-seekendorse the nonconsentual entering wankers. I left my son with a ing of juveniles ‘dans la bouche’ seemingly trustworthy gentleman or the prolonged anal battery of outside an indie vinyl shop and minors.” returned to find him sobbing. He UCL’s own proud mousrefuses to eat bananas now.” tache advocate Provost Malcolm Another mother said: “All Grant told The Cheese Grater: “I this facial hair is just weird: I love Movember. Not only does thought I had slipped through a
Salvador Gnarley
it remind me to stick a finger up my arse every year but it also allows me to blend in on campus. Only during November can I slip unidentified into sports night at the Roxy.” When asked by The Cheese Grater why the Roxy had such appeal, the Provost’s began humming the tune of David Guetta’s ‘Sexy Bitch’ as his eyes gradually glazed over. Henry Collins, a 1st year psychology student and Hockey player questioned outside the club, said: “Of course we saw him. He’s the one who’s obviously three times the age of everyone else. We all thought it was a laugh until Sarah let him take her up the Astor!”
Grant: The fourth Bee Gee?
THE CHEESE GRATER REVUE
14-16TH DECEMBER, 7.30PM, UCLU GARAGE THEATRE
Rodin’s Stinker UCLU Cheese Grater Magazine Society Student Publication of the Year - UCLU Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011
President and Editor: John Bell Email: uczxcgm@ucl.ac.uk
Postal Address: UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street London WC1H 0AY
Assistant Editor (Investigations): Hannah Sketchley
Email: cheesegrater.investigative@gmail.com
Assistant Editor (Humour): Samuel Gaus
Email: ascheesegrater@gmail.com
The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.