Issue 83- Freshers 2022

The Bartlett: Architects of Bullying and Intimidation

Zhenya Robinson and Samir Ismail

UCL’s Bartlett School of Architecture (BSA) has consistently ranked amongst the top in the world for architecture, ranking 1st in the QS World Rankings in 2020, and 3rd in 2022. Aspiring ar chitects across the world flock yearly to the BSA to learn from the foremost Pro fessors in the discipline, who lead suc cessful careers outside the classroom and offer the students hands-on experience.

However, for many students, it isn’t the smoothest sail. Our investigation re vealed a stressful, extremely competitive, and high-pressure environment.

The goings-on of the BSA have been the subject of some obloquy by the press in recent years. The Guardian has published reports of discrimination over the past decade and a half, specifically the system atic mistreatment of women and people of colour, including biased grading.

UCL took steps to address this, and the Guardian Article goes so far as to note re cent improvements. Another promising decision made by UCL was to contract the Howlett-Brown consultancy to in vestigate the claims that had been made against the BSA.

With the report only having recently been published, The Cheese Grater be lieves it is important to bring to light key allegations made against various tu tors and senior management. Moreover, having conducted interviews with cur rent BSA students it is clear that while a number of problematic tutors have been removed, many problems still persist.

Worryingly, it seems that UCL has no intention in addressing some of the struc tural issues that both the Howlett Brown report and our investigation found.

The Bartlett is notoriously difficult to get into, and the competition for a place is fierce. But it has become clear that the competition between students within the institution is equally, if not more rigor ous. One interviewee explained that even in the first few months of the course, he felt that some of the students “have had no interest in making friends and were very dedicated to the course.” Another explained that many would brag about what little sleep they had, “There was competition about who was working the most and working the most hours.”

When asked about how this competition manifested, a student revealed“Competition exists in two ways, explic it, where you don’t want to help someone else and the constant [implicit] compari son which is common in visual subjects.”

The Cheese Grater discovered that com petition often went beyond this- “There was some sabotage in our year though… Some people would steal other people’s work or throw them in bins.” It is obvi ous that such behaviour is unacceptable. However, credit where credit’s due. We found that when this happened, some tutors would account for this in exami nations and provide marks accordingly.

The cause of this competitive environ ment is explained in part by the Unit sys tem. After their first year at the BSA, a student is expected to apply for a Unit. The application process is an interview in which students are asked about their work.

Each Unit houses between 15-17 stu dents under Professors who carry out their own distinctive methods on both teaching and practising architecture. With places in any one Unit being limit ed and with often only the work you have done in first year to go off of, it is a clear cause of stress and competition.

A second year student applying for their third year unit informed us that “one of the units [they were] applying to is very competitive because people real ise that there are nicer tutors, or the way they teach produces better work in a less toxic way.” Noticeably, it is not only the limited chance to do a subject you are in terested in within architecture that causes steep competition between students, but also the attempt to work under tutors who inspire their students ‘in a less toxic way’.

This environment, evidently common place at the Bartlett, is made possible by the intensive workload shouldered by all students. In understanding the sheer workload that takes place at the Bartlett, The Cheese Grater discovered it does not only compound stress, but also creates an accessibility issue.

During COVID, when all students were working from home, it was obvi ous that essay-based courses were clearly advantaged in the extent to which they could adapt their courses. However, more practical courses like Architecture needed to find innovative solutions to allow stu dents the chance to gain the hands-on experience required. BSA allowed stu dents to book time in the studio, which although limited, at least gave some the chance to work with materials and build the models required.

However, this was obviously not avail able to those who were trapped abroad and fundamentally unable to come into the studio. One interviewee who studied during COVID elucidated this fact- “The general trend was that students who had access to the studios did better and tutors were more satisfied with the work they produced because they had that studio experience.” Beyond an ability to prop erly reach out to those disadvantaged by COVID, Bartlett also does not want to

give their students time to rest. “They expected you to do work all throughout the holidays, so when do I get rest, you know?”

Furthermore, while Wednesdays are tra ditionally a free day for students at BSA, and UCL as a whole, this interviewee told us that “sometimes, just 2 hours before, they decide to put on meetings and drawing classes, and you’re basically fucked if you don’t show up. If you have a part time job, how do you decide which one you go to?”

The course is also structured in an allor-nothing grade system, The Cheese Grater learned. “Priorities get skewed because you’re only really graded on one big pro ject… if that is not going well from the get go, you start to feel like you’re mucking up your degree.” Besides the in ternal competition, the seem ingly never-ending workload, and the clear accessibility is sues for students, the report detailed an unhealthy rela tionship between students and professors that has gone on for decades and still per sists.

The Howlett Brown report spanned over a 30 year pe riod (1990 - 2020) and in vestigated a number of truly troubling claims. The report noted two common themes that ran throughout the complaints; the first was that mental health was never a priority for those at the top of the BSA. The second was the presence of a ‘Boys Club’ culture near the leadership, which enabled the protection of certain problematic staff members de spite complaints from students and staff alike.

One senior staff member had been brought up twenty-four times in separate interviews for inappropriate behaviour including sexist comments, mocking

and demeaning students, and ‘verbally attack[ing] female students’. Another senior leader had been identified twentyseven times for ‘bullying, misogynistic and anti-Semitic behaviour’. Further, this same staff member had been accused of creating a ‘boys club’ which acted to pro tect favoured staff from their inappropri ate actions. This included ‘deleting com plaints and normalising bad behaviour’.

Despite the obviously unacceptable deeds perpetrated, it exposes that UCL has, for the better part of thirty years, been unable to properly protect student anonymity and treat complaints with the respect and due process they deserve. The

the report, and our interviews revealed a multifaceted nature to these Crits, where the criticism often went beyond a stu dent’s artwork.

A certain Professor was mentioned several times in interviews with first year students. One explained how while many tutors respect the traditional for mat of the Crits, this Professor “does not give a shit about that”. Apparently with this Professor, “whenever a compliment came, there was a bit of personal humili ation as well.”

They allegedly said of a student, ‘“I don’t know this guy, I don’t like this guy, I don’t want to know this guy, but he knows how to think” during a Crit in the Easter Term. In this student’s final Crit, the Profes sor in question started clicking her fingers and said, “Move on to your building, you’re boring.” One student added, “[They were] talking about my models and said, ‘Your models are very pretty. Not you though, you’re quite ugly’.” Another student recalled, ‘I remember [them] saying to a couple people that Asian students are all very self ish…it’s part of their culture to be selfish’.

report also exposed that one senior tutor continuously made racist comments ‘par ticularly towards Chinese students’.

An essential feature of the architecture course is the Crit: a ten minute presenta tion made by a student, followed by ten minutes of questions asked by tutors and when invited, fellow students. Crits are useful for students to understand areas of improvement, and provide realistic in sight into the professional sphere, where professionals are quizzed on their work by architects and specialists such as en gineers or technicians. However, both

While Crits are integral to stu dent development, it seems that they are also destructive towards student mental health. The Cheese Grat er learned that while they believed “tutors [would] ideally help you out”, after being invited to first year Crit as a second year, they learned the harsh reality it could be- “What I actually saw in the Crits as a guest was guest tutors saying ‘that looks grim’.” Almost all our interviews revealed how crying was commonplace at the Bar tlett, and “students cry because they have no concrete feedback on what to do.”

The value of a Crit is in providing a student the opportunity to understand their work from other people’s perspec tives and gain constructive insight into their efforts. Making personal demeaning comments towards students and casually making racist statements outside of class creates an environment of fear and trepi dation.

It is concerning that despite multiple anecdotes illustrating a single Professor’s actions, one quite integral to all first year students doing BSc Architecture, our in terviewees seemed to accept it as the Pro fessor’s demeanour.

It is not all bad though. The report notes that some students had been invit ed to parties where cocaine had allegedly been consumed. Additionally, five in stances had been noted where tutors had engaged in relationships with students during their time at BSA. One student

gave anecdotal evidence of this. They said they knew of a case where a Professor al legedly said to a female student, “I’ll fail you if you don’t go on a date with me.”

Interestingly, another interviewee, who is on the new MSci course at the BSA, detailed how with this new course, the Bartlett was attempting to take a ‘more progressive’ approach to teaching archi tecture. They have removed the Unit system and included more group work, which “helps with feeling stressed in iso lation.” While it shows that the Bartlett is somewhat self-aware, it is more worry ing than reassuring- a confirmation that the Unit system is destructive to students’ mental health.

He also told The Cheese Grater how the students are disproportionately dis advantaged by the negative press the Bar tlett has attracted. “The teachers at the Bartlett have their careers made, but it’s

the students that have to deal with the tarnished reputation of our school that we’re graduating from.” He told us how employers and colleagues have been re acting poorly when they hear a student studies at the Bartlett- “it’s really quite embarrassing.”

It is not easy to stay at the top of the charts, and one must understand that the any-means-necessary approach to success is clearly one that has ensured BSA’s suc cess in comparison to other architecture schools. Lying to students about their progress? Tearing apart long-worked-at architectural designs? A slew of racist and sexist remarks? We are forced to question the utility of all these techniques to en sure that students do the best they can do. Further, even if all of these did in fact work to promote the quality of work be ing produced, was the cost of many stu dents’ mental health and overall univer sity experience a worthy one?

Open Season on the Student Centre: The Lack of Security and Support at UCL

The Student Centre is a study spot frequented by most UCL students. It is common knowledge that it is always a challenge to find a space unless you ar rive early enough. As such, when a stu dent successfully finds a coveted spot in the Student Centre, they do all they can to ensure they don’t lose it to someone else on the prowl. We’ve all done it- left our bags and laptops at our seats while we pop to the loo or even make a lunch trip to Fold. It is almost natural to leave your belongings as a placeholder.

If you’re a little less trusting than the average student, the possibility of some one stealing your stuff might cross your mind. However, this is probably easily rationalised- surely someone would no tice and say something? Surely the Stu dent Centre’s security is airtight? With a timestamped log of every student

that swipes in and out, cameras dotted around, and security in high-vis jackets walking around, one could certainly rec oncile the fear of their items being stolen.

However, after receiving a report from a student whose laptop was stolen and launching a consequent investigation into the security resources UCL deploys, we learned how shockingly insecure the Student Centre really is. One dedicated student journalist went to the Student Centre to figure out how many cameras there actually are. Only two sit surveil ling the entirety of the Mezzanine and the first floor but their fields of view have some very troubling blindspots.

Beyond the lack of safety for both stu dents and their possessions, it also risks the thousands of pounds of UCL’s com puter equipment housed on the first floor alone. The second floor has the same amount of cameras, which cover even

less area, only really surveilling the lap top loan lockers. The Cafe only has one camera, its field of view being consider ably blocked by the large pillars. Finally, the basement and the top floor social study space have none at all, leaving even more laptops and university tech equip ment completely unguarded. How these are insured, if they are at all insured, is a mystery to us all.

The Cheese Grater spoke to a student who had recently lost their laptop in the Student Centre. He explained the wor rying process he had to go through just to report his lost, possibly stolen item. The student clarified that he did not nec essarily believe it had been taken in the Student Centre as he had been travelling that day, but merely wanted to check if it had been left there and as a result taken by someone else.

‘The security guards were so disinter

Samir Ismail and Nandini Agarwal

ested in helping,’ the student recalled. The student was shocked by this as it was 11:30 pm on a Friday night, so it was un derstandably not very busy at all. Secu rity informed him that he would only be able to look at the CCTV footage once a formal police report had been filed.

After spending close to an hour on hold with the police, the guards went on to in form the student of two more forms that needed to be filled before they could ac cess the footage. Another 15 minutes of filling in repetitive forms later, he was in formed that only one person in the entire security team had the clearance to actu ally look at the security cameras, and that staff member would only be at work next on Monday.

At this point, the student had spent the better part of his Friday night trying to navigate the red tape around getting access to the very limited CCTV footage, only to be told that it was all for noth ing and he’d have to wait until Monday anyways.

It is highly concerning that a student is unable to access any information on the weekends, especially in the middle of exam season. The student returned on Saturday to check for updates, and this time the Student Centre staff directed him to Lost and Found. It was only after arriving at UCL’s Lost and Found centre that he discovered they too, were only open Monday to Friday. So, even if his laptop had been turned in, he wouldn’t be able to retrieve it until Monday.

The dedicated student returned to cam pus looking for answers on Sunday. He spoke to the librarian sitting by the barri ers, ‘they knew my face by now’. During their conversation about the diminishing number of cameras on the top floors, the librarian said, ‘ah yeah, it’s like that in the

Student Centre.

The higher up you go, the less cam eras there are’. When the student made a joke about the top floor being the best for committing a crime with security, an uneasy silence fell over the conversation, seemingly bringing awareness to how un protected the Student Centre really is. Later that evening, the student received an email detailing that they could see him enter and exit the building, because that’s all the cameras captured along with a couple of staircases, and they had ‘ex hausted all avenues’.

When the student further jokingly sug gested that a security guard had taken it, they took great offence and retorted, ‘We’ve had a twenty thousand pound watch returned to the desk and we didn’t even take that’. What that was supposed to mean remains unclear, but what is worth noting is that they prioritised pro tecting their moral standing from an in formal jibe over actually helping the stu

dent work through the process of locating his belongings.

One phrase that the student explained came up in conversation multiple times from almost every staff member was, ‘UCL doesn’t want Big Brother looking over you’, as if to explain and justify the lax security present in the Student Cen tre. While I’m sure students appreciate not wanting to be stalked by a rogue security guard on the CCTV, it is a risk I’d be willing to take to trust that my be longings are protected.

Ultimately, this is part of a larger prob lem, and it seems the idea of UCL not wanting to be invasive is an excuse for in competence and a lack of security rather than a genuine attempt to protect student well being.

Contributors to this issue: Nandini Agarwal, Samir Ismail, Red Preston Anna Maria Papaoikonomou, Disha Takle, Lily Peng, Holly Wilson, Jamie Dorrington

No more 3 for 10 Jagers?

Anna Maria Papaoikonomou

I can’t ever go back to my first two months of university. Not because I had a particularly difficult time, but simply be cause I genuinely cannot remember large chunks of my first few weeks as I was con stantly blackout drunk. No matter one’s background and upbringing, it seems as though British drinking culture lures eve ryone in- a couple pints after a lecture, drinks on the weekend, pre-drinks before a night out, clubbing, it goes on.

At times, you may not feel like you’re truly part of an exciting club or society, unless of course you get uncontrollably intoxicated at Phineas every week. The only caveat is, the severe hangxiety you’ll experience the next day might lead you to skip most of the society’s actual meet ings and before you know it, it’s the end of the year and that membership will not be getting a renewal, oops!

It’s not all black and white. I’ve met a lot of my friends through hanging out and drinking after Cheese Grater meet ings. Did I miss out on friendships with people that did not participate in drink ing events? Definitely. Would I have formed equally strong bonds with more people if hangouts weren’t alcohol cen tred? Also, yes!

Despite drinks at the pub after a soci ety meeting or bar socials being a great way to meet and connect with people, it understandably leaves individuals who choose not to drink feel left out and iso lated. Surely you shouldn’t have to down

2 pints in under a minute to prove your prowess in a sport? However, it’s challenging to tell enthusiastic university stu dents to minimise social drinking when most events like Sports Night revolve solely around these expectations.

Having said this, it is important to ac knowledge societies that are doing their best to be inclusive and accessible to drinkers and non-drinkers alike. One of the societies that successfully rejects social drinking norms is Pole Fitness. Surpris ingly, their members are incredibly close despite the lack of drinking pressure.

In an interview with the Cheese Grater, Diane, a Pole Fitness committee mem ber, emphasised how she has never felt pushed to drink in any of the society’s social events. With non-alcohol centric events such as Sunday brunches and piz za movie nights being held consistently, everyone can socialise without feeling compelled to enter an environment they feel uncomfortable in.

Diane also mentioned how she observed severe pressure on members to consume obscure amounts of alcohol and com mented, “I’m not sure if it’s the society’s fault or the toxic masculinity itself.”

Speaking of toxic masculinity, the Cheese Grater interviewed a team mem ber at UCL Rugby, infamous for their heavy in-your-face drinking habits. The player interestingly believes that the drinking culture that surrounds the soci ety is, in fact, positive.

They believe that even though drink ing at socials has repeatedly made them physically sick, ‘drinking together im pacts [their] cohesion on the pitch’ by strengthening their social bonds and un derstanding of each other.

When asked if they believe the intensity of drinking games and the like disallows non-drinkers from feeling included, they vaguely suggested that there are several alternatives and no one is ever pressured to drink. Whether this is true, or code for ‘we all get smashed on the daily’, we will never know…

Some societies are beginning to take steps in the right direction, but it is not nearly enough. Especially with constant ly rising costs, drinking is becoming in creasingly inaccessible even in student bars. No one should be made to feel like they need to shell out more money that they can afford just to feel like part of the group. Societies should hold themselves accountable and ensure no one feels left out due to socioeconomic, religious and personal reasons.

After all, what is more wonderful than not waking up hungover on a Thursday morning? Probably many other things, but that’s great too.

5

Study Spaces UCL don’t want YOU to know about

Have you ever reached the Student Centre at the crack of dawn only to be met with the grim realisation that those damned post-grad all-nighter workaholics have taken all the spaces? Getting a place in the library is easy as long as you bring a bottle to piss in while you wait, and camp on the floor until some unwitting first year leaves their seat so you can throw their belongings off the desk and pretend that you found it there. Cheese Grater Magazine is here to help and provide you with some new, hip study spaces that have been hiding in plain sight. Remember, you heard it here first folks!

A lecture hall or seminar room: While you might look a little odd sitting in one of those auditoriums all by your lonesome, and some other unimportant class might be coming to disturb you, STUDY comes first at UCL, and finding a decent place to sit is a luxury.

Behind the Print Room Café counter: I’ll set the scene. You go into the Cafe, your eyes dart across from chair to chair…but even the sofa is taken! Yet Cheesegrater has noticed something you haven’t - an empty space behind the counter where the baristas are hard at work. All the scurrying, the manager shouting “get out!”, and the resident DJ’s favourite tunes (“Animals” by Maroon 5 on repeat) create the ideal high-stress environment. Haven’t you heard, diamonds form under pressure!

BT Tower: Spiderman’s got nothing on you if you can make it to this pinnacle of study space perfection. If natural lighting and morning work aren’t your thing, then you’ll find nothing more comfortable than the artificial purple glow emanating from the tapestry that is the BT logo. We promise, you’ll be undisturbed. But it’s also a great place for people watching should you begin to feel lonely! And if you stay long enough, you can watch the sun come up before you climb back down to Ramsay Hall. Lights will guide you home.

Student Centre toilets: Ever wondered why the queues for these toilets snake down the staircase?

It’s because every 3rd year knows something you don’t. Look past the symphony of flushing around you and the odd mix of detergent, human faeces, and watermelon vapour – it’s perfect. Don’t forget to let out the occasional groan to make it clear you’re not leaving anytime soon!

Atop your professor’s car: While arriving at noon leaves you wanting for study spaces, if you bundle up, you’ll find no shortage of makeshift desks waiting for you on Gordon Street. You need only the courage to mount a car and if you’re lucky, you’ll find your department head’s nice Mercedes. This works particularly well if you enjoy the company of pigeons and are freespirited enough to get soaked in the rain. The added, unsaid benefit of course, is that when your professor comes out to drive home, they’ll see you working diligently, impressed by your commitment and no doubt be proud to call you their student.

Cost of Living Crisis!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or in a developed country, you will have heard all about the catastrophe haunting the UK at the moment. Don’t worry, the Queen hasn’t resurrected in lizard form; I’m talking about the cost of living crisis. It’s like the 70s coming back without the fun flares or the cheap cocaine.

As a student in London, you’re probably feeling the squeeze. All of us at Cheesegrater are asking the question every Education Secretary most doggedly ignores; what financial support is available for us students?

First of all, let’s hear from the government. They’ve most generously announced a 2.3% rise in maintenance loan. Never mind that inflation is rising to 12% this autumn, or that food prices

have increased to levels not seen since the financial crash of ‘08. If only I had my Nintendo Wii to get me through this one.

In an extraordinary display of passing the buck, the government is also advising students to seek help from their university’s financial hardship funds. You know, those same universities that require a death certificate or a tearyeyed video from your hospital bed to grant a one-week assignment extension.

In response, the Russell Group of Universities called for an uplift in maintenance loans. The Department for Education basically replied by telling them to look up the definition of ‘Nomfup’.

So, what does UCL have to say to

all this? Well, UCL has provided a very helpful article entitled ‘Rising cost of living and your wellbeing’. Obviously working on the assumption that every UCL student spends their maintenance loan on tote bags, iced lattes, and halloumi from Waitrose, it lists some budgeting tips and a reminder that you can claim 6 free CBT sessions. I haven’t watched any of his videos, but I’m pretty sure Andrew Tate offers more sound financial advice than that.

I asked around our office for their best advice on making ends meet at uni. The most common response was to hang around the Bartlett until someone throws a chair at you, the payout from that should be enough to get you through the winter.

Mully’s Love Story

Disha Takle

I woke up one wasted Saturday after noon, in my freshers flat. The city wore out its mid-November lull and the days had been greyer than usual, colder than normal, and dreary as always. But, amidst this perpetual damp of existence and ris ing prices of a decent pint, there was one tinkling star— an institution— a place where it all came together: Saturdays at Mully’s Karaoke.

Many criticise my knack for romanticis ing the ordinary, but I shall never forget the words of this wise second year who once said “Mully’s is the place to be. It is my second home!”, as he regularly travelled from the depths of zone 2 to finish off his night in this basement, with his friends and a trusted glass of Carling. I have held onto those words ever since.

Saturdays at Mully’s are a pure commemoration. Some may call Mully’s a cesspool of dying dreams, but I disagree. One can meet so many people on Kara oke night and the beauty of it all is how everyone comes together when a mid2000s song plays on the poor set-up of the projector which flashes lyr ics, or when strangers and friends alike mosh to ABBA.

However, last week may have been one of the best nights at Mully’s as I believe I may have just met the love of my life. My friends and I were on, what you may call, a pull and we were hoping to con nect with like-minded people. The floor was sticky, the air was sweaty and there was shattered glass from cheap beer on the floor. In other words, these were the perfect conditions for dropping ‘game’.

Now, I haven’t really mastered the art of a good chat as I fear I may be deficient in charm, but I was persistent and my goal

was to attract. And attract I did, as I ac cidentally locked eyes with an adequatelooking man who donned a mullet. As two magnets on the pull, I felt an im mediate attraction to him as I saw him approaching me. He wore a UCL Rugby shirt covered in a melange of sweat, Guin ness and Lynx. As he came closer, I could identify the stench of tobacco poorly masked with some gum. He smiled at me and said, “What you saying?”

Perhaps my heart fluttered with such excitement that I misheard him, thinking that he asked me what I studied, and my foolish, excited self said “I study History

of silence which could be mistaken for an awkward one, but I know one thing: the best kind of conversations are the silent ones.

His scrunched-up face was focused on his cig, and most of the filter was in his mouth. He turned to me, and said, “Have you not got any baccy of your own?”. “Sorry, I don’t. Roll me one?”, I smiled and asked. He takes the wrinkly cig out and hands it to me. I put the cigarette in my mouth and the soggy filter reeks a bit of saliva and Guinness. I sit next to him and light it up. What a sweet passive kiss!

It must’ve been 1 a.m. by now as I could see the crowd inside diffuse into separate groups on their way to the afters. I could see my friends emerge out and wave at me, asking me to join them. “You got Instagram or something?”, the rugby boy asked me. I nodded and typed it out onto his phone, promptly adding him back on mine.

of Art! You?”. He nodded as the music grew louder. I wasn’t sure if he heard me though. Maybe fate was not on my side, as I feared this tryst would not last long so I had to act quick. He beat me to it and asked me if I wanted to go out for a smoke. I went out with this nameless rugby boy in the hopes to get to know him a bit more. As I followed him out side, I tripped a bit. He didn’t look back and kept moving and I got up, just a bit flustered, just a bit giggly and hopefully very lucky tonight.

He was rolling himself a cigarette. It was a bit wrinkly and his hands very shaky— maybe it was the cold or maybe he was equally excited. I observed him and kept smiling to myself. There was a moment

“We should hang out some time. Watch a movie or some thing?”, I proposed. “I guess”, he retorted, almost immediately. I was thrilled, I may have a good thing going.

This is the start of something new and special. I have longingly looked at his Instagram and found so many interesting things about him. He really likes Imagine Dragons and Drake. He also reposts little videos of bald men talking about some thing called the metaverse— really niche things I look forward to hearing him talk about. It has been three days since I sent him a text, I assume he is busy but I have a feeling I shall see him very soon.

Until then, he will have my heart, and we will always have Mullys…..

Why men love me

I am 5’2, petite & super easy to pick up

I am skinny (but I have a fat ass)

I am blonde (obviously fake- but they don’t need to know that)

I wear cute girly thrifted y2k clothes: always on trend, who cares about personal style lol?

I have no piercings that they can see (but I take my septum out when I spot a skater boy)

I shave my entire body once a week. I preach about body hair positivity but I just don’t like my own. Of course, they just think I don’t have body hair…

I do not get periods!

I am on birth control

I am lowkey enough about my beliefs that they still think I am hot.

I am the manic pixie dream girl in any twenty-something man’s story.

I am a horny drunk, so they think that sleeping with me while drunk is not actually a sex crime but an easy way to a quick lay!

I am not a feminist.

I split the bill. God forbid a man pays for my meal when we are supposed

to be in the age of #feminism and #equality. Why should he have to prove that he can provide? But, I slip my man my card to pay when he feels insecure about his masculinity.

I loooooooove sex. Especially the first 3 minutes of it!!

I reassure him that it’s really hard to make me cum. It’s okay that he can’t find the clit I repositioned him on five times. I just have a difficult female body. It’s not you, it’s me.

I have mid-size boobs, not too big to be girlfriend material but not small enough for you to have to convince yourself that small boobs are your type.

I am the perfect balance of Madonna and whore.

I don’t manifest my mental illness; not yet. For now, I am just a cute girl who listens to Lana Del-Rey. The crying and dissociating comes later.

I am bisexual. But not in a gross way, in a: “We can have threesomes”, “Of course we can do it with your girl best friend!” way.

I don’t have a gag reflex (not that it’d make a difference).

I am not at the stage of my life where I relate to the cool girl monologue.

I have a distorted vision of intimacy because of film and literature, big up Sally Rooney! So don’t worry, whatever you do I am going to fall in love

BIGGEST SCAM IN UCL HISTORY!

Due to staffing issues, we did not have enough time to write this article and will instead be providing you with some predicted emotional responses from which you can reverse-engineer the article in your head.

Shock, Confusion, Vitriol, Angst, Outrage, Disgust, Anger, Righteous Indignation

Themes that this article played with could include: Abuse of power imbalances, how humans are subject to change over time, the society we live in.

If anything within this article that you imagined offended you then imagine a different one.

Soc Bitch

What is it with all you horny, deviant sex pests?

Welcome to all of you enthusiastic freshers, and commiserations to the depressed second and third years. It’s time for freshers’ flu, STI’s, and fake friendships.

Speaking of the flu and STI’s, apparently UCL Men’s Rugby held a social last year alongside the netball team (invite only of course) centred around speed dating. Now, let your favourite bitch tell you a story.

Imagine a sweaty room fuelled by testosterone, tight t-shirts, and Guinness. Then imagine the cliché privately educated girl who screams if daddy doesn’t send money for baccy. Now imagine those two sets of deviants waiting in lines to be paired up to create little deviant babies. Hell on earth.

Why can’t you people use Tinder (or Grindr) like the rest of us to find one time sex toys?

Choo choooo, it’s time for a society never mentioned before, Indian Soc. Apparently they took advice from EFS this year whilst conducting committee interviews.

What is it with societies asking predominantly first year female students to flirt with X committee member? You desperate bitches…

Just hit up Rugby or Netball and ask for one of their invites to the secret conveyor belt orgies they seem to be having. Soc Bitch intends to be at the next one anyway ;)

UCL Cheese Grater Magazine Society

President—Jamie Dorrington president@cheesegratermagazine.org

Editors-in-Chief—Nandini Agarwal and Mel Benedichuk

editor@cheesegratermagazine.org

Investigations Editor—Samir Ismail investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org

Humour Editor—Red Preston humour@cheesegratermagazine.org

Graphics Editor—Lily Peng

© Students’ Union UCL, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. Views expressed herein are not necessarily those of SU UCL or the editors.