Issue 86 - Winter 2023

The Cheese Grater

Issue 86 - Winter 2023 cheesegratermagazine.org facebook.com/uclcheesegrater

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A Note From the Editors: Welcome to the Winter Issue of The Cheese Grater.

As the Editors-in-Chief of a publication vocally committed to the exposition of UCL’s institutional failures, we feel compelled to use our platform to show solidarity with the Palestinian people.

We endorse the position of UCL’s Student Justice for Palestine (SJP), whose demands, outlined in an open letter to UCL’s President & Provost Michael Spence, are listed below.

The SJP have called for: 1. The issuing of a formal statement to condemn the killing of Dr Refaat Alareer by Israeli forces 2. The establishment of a scholarship fund in Dr Alareer’s name for students in Palestine to pursue studies at UCL 3. The issuing of an updated statement condemning the genocidal onslaught in Gaza and the rising Islamophobia 4. The contacting of government officials, and the Leader of the Opposition Keir Starmer, urging them to call for an immediate and complete ceasefire in Gaza.

5. The divestment from all companies complicit in Israel’s ongoing genocide, such as BAE Systems and Lockheed Martin 6. The establishment of a partnership with a Palestinian University We demand for UCL to heed the calls of its student body and to break its silence on the current crisis in Gaza.

Robert Delaney & Mads Brown (Co-Editors-in-Chief)

If I must Die

Dr. Refaat Alareer

If I must die, you must live to tell my story to sell my things to buy a piece of cloth and some strings, (make it white with a long tail) so that a child, somewhere in Gaza while looking heaven in the eye awaiting his dad who left in a blaze – and bid no one farewell not even to his flesh not even to himself – sees the kite, my kite you made, flying up above and thinks for a moment an angel is there bringing back love If I must die let it bring hope let it be a tale.

Graphic pictured left by Lizzie Dacombe Front Cover by Tess Meerson

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“Complicity in genocide”: Students Call for UCL’s Support of Gaza Mads Brown, Rebekah Wright, and Shaza Hafez

On Friday the 17th November, UCL’s main quad was crammed with over two hundred students, converging at the epicentre of the University, all fuelled by a shared conviction. The crowd swarmed the Student Centre, before parading through the south cloisters passionately chanting “Spence, Spence you can’t hide, complicity in genocide” to the echoing rythmn of drums.

They eventually congregated outside the Portico, saturating the quad with signs and banners decorated with the striking black, red, and green of the Palestinian flag.

This was the first of two walkouts (the second a similar story occurring on 29th November) in which UCL students and staff demanded that Provost Michael Spence endorse an immediate ceasefire in the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

The most recent spark in the conflict has been catalysed by a territorial dispute over Gaza, an area home to Palestinians that Israel claims as its own.

On October 7th, the Palestinian militant group Hamas launched an attack on Israel killing around 1200 and allegedly taking 200 Israeli hostages. Israel’s artillery strikes, committed in retaliation, have killed more than 14000 people in Gaza, including 6000 Palestinian children; a response which was vastly disproportionate.

Despite Spence’s claims that the situation is “complicated”, protestors speaking with The Cheese Grater have made it clear that they have taken action because the people of Gaza need aid, and ultimately, a ceasefire, to stop a genocide causing needless bloodshed and excessive loss of life.

On the 27th October, the UCL University and College Union (UCU) called an Extraordinary General Meeting (EGM) to create a forum for discussion on the conflict.

When the meeting notes were later published on the official UCL website, the colon after ‘Motion 1’ was followed by bold block capitals reading “THIS MOTION HAS BEEN CENSORED BY UCL.” We can only speculate as to what was actually discussed under this motion, but given the University’s supposedly unwavering commitment to free speech, their decision to censor it is certainly strange.

When we interviewed members of the UCL community about the line between protection and censorship, one philosophy student explained to us that in the UK: “We have the Equality Act which protects certain characteristics, so you can’t discriminate against people on the basis of disability or race or gender or sexuality. I think that’s a good way to draw the line. For example, if a court would look at that and define it as hate speech, then the university probably should censor it.”

We may never know what Motion 1 actually discussed, although it seems highly improbable that an official UCU meeting would have included hate speech.

In the EGM, the UCL-UCU affirm that they “strongly condemn all forms of violence” and are “speaking out to demand an end to the killing and destruction in the Gaza Strip”. They state that “no one can ever be justified in targeting defenceless people”.

Even more significantly, however, the UCL-UCU accuses UCL of “institutional silencing”. They go on to criticise UCL’s communications regarding the conflict and accuse them of having failed to acknowledge the word “Palestine” or “Palestinian” in their communications.

The ULC-UCU accuses UCL of creating “an atmosphere of threat and censorship”. Ultimately, it’s overwhelmingly clear from the meeting that the UCL-UCU are in full support of Palestine.

UCL was deeply offended by UCLUCU’s stance. This evident in a statement they put out responding to the EGM in which they express: “Our local branch of the national University and College Union (UCU) […] passed a series of incoherent and disturbing motions on Friday. […] While they “condemn all forms of violence” and note that the “deliberate killing of civilians is always an atrocity”, they also use language that clearly incites indiscriminate violence. We wholly condemn this incitement to violence […] Language such as this has no place on a university campus.”

The fact that UCL went to the effort to put out a statement, rather than just ignoring the UCU meeting, is in itself demonstrative of their acute irritation.

They even broadcast their response around the student body via a notification on the UCL Go app.

UCL makes it clear that they want to “take action” against UCLUCU because of language supposedly endorsing violence. Yet, they offer no examples in their statement of what language this is. It is reasonable to infer that perhaps it is contained within Motion 1.

However, UCL’s decision to censor the motion offers no transparency on this and makes it seem like they’re being overly defensive because they simply disagree with the UCU, unable to offer any convincing evidence about why the content of their meeting was so “disturbing”. A second controversy, this time involving the Students’ Union (SU), also occurred back in October.

The UCL Marxist Society was suspended from the SU for distributing posters displaying an image of an Israeli soldier shooting a Palestinian child. The image was accompanied by the slogan: Intifada Till Victory.

The intifadas were two Palestinian uprisings against Israel.

The first of these occurred in the late 1980s and the second of which occurred in the early 2000s. It’s not exactly clear why the SU took such a serious issue with this. It could possibly be because it was seen as an incitement of violence or because of the association between Palestinian uprisings and the militant group Hamas, who are a proscribed terrorist group in the UK. However, despite its strong associations, one Student Justice for Palestine committee member explained to The Cheese Grater that, in Arabic, the word “intifada” literally means “revolution” or “uprising’’. Though some have claimed that this connotes unjustified violence, the term merely states a warranted retaliation from those under an oppressive regime.

One Jewish student we spoke to strongly condemned the actions of the SU, and told The Cheese Grater that “it really makes me lose all faith in the Students’ Union forever”. Another student, speaking explicitly about Marxist Society’s posters explained that “there’s just a photo of violence that’s already happening, I don’t think that’s necessarily inciting anything”.

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‘It really makes me When speaking to The Cheese The Cheese Grater has been lose all faith Grater, a committee member ex- privy to an array of student opinions on plained that UCL believed the title the support being provided. One student could be a way of announcing support sought out UCL’s war support services afin the Students’ for Hamas, and again, “inciting vio- ter being referred by the University’s welllence”. “We obviously absolutely oppose being team and found it “really helpful”.

Union forever.’ that”, the committee member articulated.

Another student informed us that they feel like the SU’s actions against the Marxist Society represent a “massive double standard”, acknowledging a Port and Policy meeting conducted by the UCL Conservative Society last year, in which one motion was: This House Would Reinstate the British Empire.

Following backlash, the Conservative Society published an apology on their Instagram story, but no action was taken by the SU, despite the belief held by this society that this was an acceptable topic for debate. The EGM held by the UCL-UCU and the circulation of the word “intifada” around campus have also generated a response from the Union of Jewish Students (UJS).

Guy Dabby-Jorry, the UJS’s Head of Campaigns asserted that it is an utter disgrace for the UCL’s UCU branch to call for an “intifada until victory” and a “mass uprising against Israeli civilians”.

Though not directly incited by pro-Palestinian activism, communication from the Provost has indicated an increased level of antisemitism on the UCL campus which is revolting and abhorrent. The fears and frustrations of Jewish students at UCL, in light of this increase in antisemitism, are of overwhelming validity given the circumstances.

However, it appears that there are differing views across the community, with one Jewish student articulating that “I think that [the UCL-UCU’s use of the phrase ‘intifada till victory’] is significantly less of an incitement to violence than the Jewish society posting on their Instagram that they’re praying for their soldiers and siblings in Israel”.

Another student representing the Student Socialist Alternative Society (SSA), a group which has expressed explicit support for a free Palestine and an immediate ceasefire, neatly summarised the need for “cross community dialogue’” as “the most effective” solution for “rooting out antisemitism and rooting out Islamophobia”. The SSA have also been contacted by UCL, who requested they change the advertisement for their event: Palestine-Israel: Stop the War, Siege and Occupation - How Can Liberation and Peace be Won?

“We also said that we oppose indiscriminate attacks on ordinary Israeli Jews, Palestinian Arabs etc.”, Israeli Jews, Palestinian Arabs etc.”, they explained, “[UCL] had a problem with that as well”.

Supposedly, this wording insinuated that IDF soldiers were legitimate targets, but the committee member argued for the “absurdity” of this given that IDF soldiers are military combatants and not ordinary civilians.

Though UCL have opposed the statement made by the UCU, this hasn’t stopped them from making plenty of their own. UCL’s primary forms of communication regarding the crisis have been through emails or online statements.

The latest of these statements (of which there are many) was released on the 24th November 2023. The statement extends support to all students and staff affected by the crisis, urging them to speak out if they’re in need of counselling services, financial assistance, or academic adjustments. There’s no doubt that UCL are compassionate towards their students, and willing to provide aid in such a distressing situation.

However, their communication isn’t without its flaws. As the UCU have noted, there is a distinct lack of support for the Palestinian community. UCL’s latest statement is testament to this.

There is mention of “anti-Palestinian prejudice”, however the titular focus is on anti-Semitism and Islamophobia.

Obviously, prejudice of any form is to be condemned, and there has undeniably been a rise in antisemitic and Islamophobic hate crime.

Yet, whereas UCL dedicates an entire section of their statement to resources and support on reporting “Islamophobia or antisemitism”, they fail to give name to the Palestinian students on campus, who no doubt have connections to those trapped in the midst of the siege on Gaza.

Furthermore, not all Palestinians are covered by the term “Islamophobia”, as one student explained that “a lot of people in Palestine aren’t Muslim” and that actually “many are Christians, atheists etc.”.

The service provided them with a “needed safe space” where they could speak about how, because the war was “so close to home”, it was “quite difficult to just go on with everything and pretend like everything was fine when all our closest family friends didn’t know if their families were even alive.”

However, one of the reasons that this student contacted support services was because they felt that there were “no safe spaces to talk about the situation” elsewhere on campus, so though this may be a good first step, it’s certainly not enough.

Overall, the student opinion on UCL’s provision of support is less than enthused. A comment made by an SJP Committee Member to The Cheese Grater is indicative of the student opinion that UCL should be doing a lot more for those students affected by the crisis: “More than just drop-in sessions, I would like to see a greater commitment to offering assistance for Arabs, Muslims, and pro-Palestine students in general, on campus. I believe that not enough steps have been taken to stop and address Islamophobia and anti-Palestinian racism on campus. UCL’s inaction means that a number of students no longer feel comfortable in vocalising their support for Palestine on campus.”

From conversing with students across the University, The Cheese Grater has been made aware of a general feeling that UCL’s response is incredibly ingenuous, primarily because it is lacking in actionable sentiment.

Students, even those who are yet to reach out to support services, don’t feel like they’re being listened to.

“I think that it’s entirely worthless if you’re not going to do anything material to stop people getting killed”, stated one Jewish student in support of Palestine.

The University’s focus seems to be on what it looks like to the outside world, and not on what it can actually do to help. This has ultimately backfired, and has left students questioning: “When does the time come to put aside things like your image and actually think about human emotions and what is going on in the world?”

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The negligible amount of aid and sympathy extended to pro-Palestinian students has negated any attempts to provide a safe space, and has instead harboured an atmosphere of fear. Amongst the students who want to take action but are scared about the repercussions is a member of the Student Socialist Alternative society:

The Provost’s hesitance to show support for the people of Gaza has led students to take action of their own.

“Students who want to get politically ctive on this issue have found it incredibly difficult. They’ve constantly had to watch themselves. They feel as if they’re constantly being spied on, they feel as if they’re being watched [...] Because of the Students’ Union’s rhetoric, there is certainly an atmosphere of fear.”

“I feel like one of the most important things I can do is be explicit and be open and be non-ambivalent because a lot of people are saying it’s complicated […] It’s not complicated at all. There’s lots of people being killed indiscriminately in a colonialist state and that’s bad. UCL is trying to sweep it under the rug and censor it in the same way that the entire country is.”

As a society, they’ve even found that “many of the security guards are actually very supportive of the demonstrations for Palestine.” However, due to the actions (or lack-thereof) of the University, these opinions are being held back, and ultimately helping no one.

In an episode of Sabbs on the Sofa, UCL’s Provost Michael Spence expressed his disinclination to show support for Gaza. When asked why “UCL has refrained from taking a stance on Israel/Gaza”, Spence replied: “Because I’m not the Pope and I’m not the Secretary General of the United Nations.”

He fears that due to the “widely different views held in the University”, standing in solidarity with Gaza would create a “hostile” environment.

One third-year student questioned: “Michael Spence, why do you seem allergic to doing the right thing?”

Frustrated by the University’s ambivalence, a student told The Cheese Grater:

On Friday 17th November, students across UCL felt so compelled to act that they attended a walkout in solidarity with Gaza.

“Saying nothing is saying something”, stated a second-year student at the walkout, ‘“for a globalised University that has so much to say about their international links, to not take a stance is quite horrific”.

At the walkout, The Cheese Grater spoke to students who found UCL’s promises of support to be “kind of empty”. One student felt as if the University is “vindicating itself of any blame” without taking any kind of “positive stance”.

However, by saying nothing, UCL are implicitly choosing to support Israel. Speaking to a member of Student Socialist Alternative, The Cheese Grater learnt one of the key demands of the Gaza walkout: that UCL cuts all ties with arms companies.

One commitee member of SSA even informed us that “arms companies have a significant influence over hiring boards and job advertisements.”

Why doesn’t UCL take a stance on Israel-Gaza?

“Because I’m not the Pope and I’m not the UCL’s continued links to these companies has left students deSecretary General of manding change. One student asked: you not feel like relationships with the United Nations.” “Do Lockhead Martin and Airbus are incit-

Spence advocates for UCL’s func- ing violence more than an infographtion as a “liberal democracy”, in ic that says Intifada Till Victory?” which students should be able to According to UCL’s Provost, have a “constructive” conversation. the University is yet to stand in soliYet considering the fact that there darity with Gaza, call for a ceasefire, is a genocide happening in Gaza as we and cut their ties with companies dispeak, Spence’s claim that “few things are rectly funding Israel because there is quite so black and white as Twitter makes too great a diversity of student opinion you believe” feels wildly inappropriate. to express such support for Palestine.

“Do you not feel like relationships with Lockhead Martin and Airbus are inciting violence more than an infographic that says Intifada Till Victory?”

Yet, despite the UCL’s claims that they are unable to stand with people of Gaza, the last thing the University should do is “repress people who are trying to speak about, call out for a ceasefire, call for a free Palestine”, stated a student at the Gaza walkout.

It is this very act of protest which not only shows the “rage and indignation” of UCL students, but also initiates a “call for demand”, articulated an SSA committee member.

It is now that students who want to show solidarity with Gaza should “discuss the next steps to get organised, and more importantly, also to begin thinking about how we can build a student movement of our own”, they told The Cheese Grater.

Students understand the power and influence which UCL holds, and the capacity of their University to incite change if it were to project a decisive stance. Yet, regardless of UCL’s silence, students are evidently committed to communicating their support for the people of Gaza, and will continue to do so.

Additional Reporting by Sirjan Narang

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“Painting the Town Orange”: Just Stop Oil, UCL and Fossil Fuel Investment Paige Johnson, Yash Zodgekar, Ary Ris-Luamhain, and Rebekah Wright This October, Just Stop Oil (JSO) marked another destination on its Irn-Bru coloured tour of the UK: the UCL Portico. Though the paint has now been washed away, the infamous image of JSO activist Arthur Clifton posed defiantly between orange-stained pillars remains imprinted on our minds.

Though police vans circled the streets of Bloomsbury that day, Clifton couldn’t be stopped. Despite the best attempts of UCL security, the damage was already done. UCL had long decided its fate; the orange stain on the University was ultimately the consequence of its own actions - or, more accurately, inaction.

As one may expect, JSO’s demonstration provoked strong reactions across the student body. Some supported the transformation of the Portico into a canvas for environmental advocacy. Others saw the actions as nothing more than a poorly executed, semi-permanent spray tan. Undoubtedly though, JSO’s protest called into question the legitimacy of UCL’s climate policies.

Prior to the demonstration, JSO sent an open letter to universities seeking an endorsement for their cause and explaining that they would hold demonstrations at institutions that refused to show support.

Whilst we can’t be sure if UCL directly rejected JSO’s requests, we can be certain that they, at the very least, ignored them.

JSO’s issue is with the senior management of UCL, whom they believe should be applying more pressure on the government to introduce greener climate policies. Speaking to The Cheese Grater, Clifton branded the silence of UCL management as “licensing massacres”.

Clifton argued that by not speaking out, UCL legitimises government policies that are detrimental to the environment and public well-being.

These policies include Rishi Sunak’s licensing of “over 100 new oil fields, including Rosebank”. Clifton informed The Cheese Grater that “these will produce emissions roughly similar to the 28 lowest income countries in the world - [but] university institutions stay silent”.

Across campus, students hold mixed opinions on the actions of JSO. One student interviewed by The Cheese Grater noted that, while the organisation’s movement spreads an important message, their tactics risk “alienating many would-be supporters”. When we mentioned this to Clifton, he disputed it.

He argued that JSO demonstrations tend to have a “net positive” impact, with 100 new members having signed up to the organisation following the protest.

Clifton also pointed to the “radical flank effect”. Essentially, if you’re the group everyone loves to hate, you and your cause are what everyone’s talking about.

Ideally, UCL would make a statement that condemned the government’s continued involvement in the fossil fuel industry, one JSO activist told The Cheese Grater. As one may have expected, no such condemnation was announced by the University.

Evidently, as far as JSO is concerned, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. “We’ve done three decades of petitioning, of non-disruptive protesting, and nobody’s listened”, Clifton commented, “we’re [now] forced into a position where we may have to do things disruptively”.

Since JSO’s actions on campus, UCL has continued to distance itself from the climate action group, opting not to initiate contact after the event and ignoring requests for comment.

The protest also put the spotlight on UCL’s continued engagement with fossil fuel companies. UCL have heavily promoted their ethical investment portfolio since they officially divested from fossil fuels in December 2019.

The Cheese Grater is disappointed that the Provost’s office has refused to speak on the matter. However, this is not the opinion of all students, one of whom argued that the University’s reluctance is “understandable” given JSO’s controversial reputation.

JSO’s key policy demand focuses on the government’s granting of oil and gas licences. As such, the organisation actually holds a broadly supportive stance towards UCL’s academic community, which has been instrumental in producing supporting research on their main topic of concern: oil and climate change.

However, UCL’s public statements continue to omit the very fossil fuel companies that are still funnelling money into the University. The Cheese Grater suspects that in using exclusively the term “investment”, UCL built a loophole into their sustainability campaign.

UCL’s 2019 statement makes no mention of their partnerships, grants, research funding, donations, or gifts.

It is under these terms that they continue their relationships within the fossil fuel industry. For instance, Shell

is listed as a funder of UCL’s Mechanical Engineering department.

Also, according to the most recent portfolio statement of UCL’s endowment fund, UCL has funds invested in JP Morgan and Bank of America: the highest and fourth highest fossil fuel financiers in the world respectively. Marsh McLennan is also listed, a company facing a formal complaint for violating international guidelines for responsible business.

This discrepancy between public-facing climate statements and actual cash-flow is also evident in several FOI requests sent by Jenna Corderoy.

In response to one request for the data of donations and research funding from oil/gas companies, UCL named funding from Shell International (2019), Shell Exploration & Production B.V. (2019), BP Exploration Operating (2020), and BP International Ltd (2020).

Strikingly, UCL confirmed that no offers of donations, gifts, grants or research funding from the listed funders were rejected between 2017 and 2021 (the parameter dates of the request). By employing ethical investment doublespeak, UCL has avoided severing ties from partners that are lucrative, but whose methods are incredibly detrimental to our climate.

One JSO activist informed The Cheese Grater that despite UCL’s “Active Bystander” policy, the University’s inaction in the face of environmental challenges speaks to a passive stance. Despite UCL’s public campaigns, the decisions which go on behind-thescenes are far from climate conscious.

JSO’s tactics have been met with their own repercussions. Clifton revealed to us that he has been formally arrested and charged with criminal damage: he has pleaded not guilty and his case is set to appear before a magistrates’ court. Regardless of the heavily divided opinions on JSO, it is clear that UCL has been navigating a blurry line between its public and private relationships with the fossil fuel industry.

JSO’s methods may generate controversy, but they’ve shown that UCL, despite their eco-friendly rhetoric, has plenty of opportunities to better heed the philosophy of “Just Stop Oil”.

Additional Reporting by Mads Brown

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UCL v. Security Staff: Echoes of Exploitation Ignored by Student Apathy Rusheen Bansal

“They’re hiring new people when employees are losing hours.”

On December 4, spirited chants reverberated across campus as aggrieved black and brown security officers called for an end to UCL’s derogatory outsourcing practices in their latest bout of strike action. Having swapped their shiny blue jackets for crimson vests, the officers raised megaphones, hand-made posters and flagpoles to assert their presence in an institution that has only sought to marginalise it.

Outsourcing, the practice of hiring labour through an external contractor is how the majority of UCL’s auxiliary staff, from security and cleaning to hospitality and food, are employed. A system implemented nearly 20 years ago, outsourcing has made these auxiliary workers, majority of whom come from Black and Minority Ethnic (BAME) backgrounds, vulnerable to exploitation and mistreatment.

The latest example of this is the recent “transformation of security services”, a joint effort by UCL and Bidvest Noonan (the primary subcontractor for security).

What’s going on?

On 7 June 2023, UCL announced its plan to “enhance its security services” to deliver the best campus experience possible. This entailed “making security teams more visible across the Bloomsbury campus; redefining roles to have clearer duties, accountabilities and better training; and using new equipment…to deliver a more efficient, tech-enabled security service”.

In other words, security staff have been moved from desk-based shifts inside buildings to patrol-based duties outside, put on hourly rotations at different positions throughout the day, and have been replaced by intercoms installed outside some building entrances.

Consultations were held between June and July to incorporate the concerns of impacted workers into the new strategy.

However, only the recognized union, UNISON, which represents less than 50% of UCL’s 200 security officers, was contacted. The other, unrecognised union, Independent Workers of Great Britain (IWGB), which claims to represent the majority of the security workforce, reports being excluded from the consultation process.

A security officer and member of the IWGB The Cheese Grater spoke to told us that the exclusion “wasn’t great…

because everytime we would ask them a question or try to challenge a decision, they would say that they’re dealing with the recognised union.”

When asked about their experience with the consultation, a representative from UNISON shared: “You have to compromise, always, with negotiations.

At the end of the day, we wanted our members to come out, at least, with the best deal. And we looked at three main things…the contracted hours, the pay, and the pattern. We fought so hard and those were maintained.”

Yet, an investigation by The Cheese Grater uncovered a different story.

What has changed since the transformation?

Even though hourly wages have remained unaffected, interviews with remaining security officers revealed that their shift patterns, hours, total incomes, workload and employee benefits have been significantly altered by the transformation.

Since September 1st 2023, several security officers have been moved to a ‘Four On, Four Off’ shift pattern. This refers to a repetitive rota cycle where an officer works four days in a row, then takes the next four days off. This pattern yields approximately 15-16 days of work per month.

Compared to the 20-21 work days they had during their previous fixed 5-day workweeks, They have now split my shift into two, and given it to two people.”

A senior security guard highlighted the pitfalls of this shift pattern: ‘In the time I’ve spent in the security industry, it is the worst work pattern you can get…It is not consistent. It impacts your personal life: you can’t plan something, you can’t say “on a Tuesday, I will do A,B,C,D” because you will find that you will be at work.’

Security officers are now facing significant cuts to their working hours, ranging anywhere from 10-75 hours a month. An officer shared, “I used to work 5 days a week, Sunday to Thursday. They have now split my shift into two, and given it to two people.”A senior security guard highlighted the pitfalls of this shift pattern: ' 'In the time I’ve spent in the security industry, it is the worst work pattern you can get. [...] It is not consistent. It impacts your personal life: you can’t plan

something, you can’t say “on a Tuesday, I will do A,B,C,D” because you will find that you will be at work.’

The cut in hours has naturally resulted in a loss of income. Living in a city characterised by an immutable costof-living crisis has affected the mental wellbeing of many staff members.

One officer shared, “I lost about 72 hours a month, which is about £1350 per month. So there’s a big pay cut on top of the cost-of-living crisis. That’s really messed me up.”

However, the actual workload has not decreased. An IWGB representative explained: “They have more intercoms and cameras, but there’s less security…but it’s the same amount of buildings as before.”

Coupled with the number of students on the rise, there are more and more people on campus everyday that require security and assistance. Consequently, the deducted hours are being repurposed as “overtime hours,” offered weekly to security officers for ad-hoc requests.

In the absence of takers, Bidvest Noonan is hiring temporary agency workers, paid the statutory minimum hourly rate, through another round of subcontracting to cover vacant shifts.

Not only does this prove that there is just as much work to be done around campus as before the transformation, some officers have also complained of an increase in workload.

Indeed, guards have criticised having to train these temporary workers on UCL procedures. An officer observed, “Sometimes you train somebody for the whole day, then you don’t see them for a few months. Then they come back again, so you have to keep training them.”

Although the temporary hires undergo security training, they lack familiarity with UCL procedures and campus geography, as such knowledge is predominantly gained through experience. A senior security officer clarified that one needs: “Three months, at least, to be able tosit at the front desk of any UCL building and direct the people properly”.

However, as Dr Matteo Tiratelli, UCL-UCU’s Anti-casualisation Officer, explained to The Cheese Grater:

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Graphics by Tess Meerson “They don’t know how the buildings work, and there are people who have worked at UCL for 10 or 15 years, who have those skills, who are now being ordered to go out and patrol.”

They are only provided with cobalt-blue jackets which can render them vulnerable on the streets due to their recognisable hue.

According to a UCL spokesperson:

In an effort to make security “more visible across campus”, officers have been tasked to patrol outside UCL buildings. Since November, they have been doing this on an hourly rotating basis, switching positions on campus throughout the day.

“The new working pattern…will allow [security] to cover a wider range of buildings and areas, and react more quickly to incidents, no matter where they take place.”

This is because UCL’s analysis found that accidents were more likely to occur outside buildings based on past incidents. However, this is probably because a security officer was already present at the manned desk, preventing accidents in that specific location in the first place. Dr Tiratelli commented: “It’s a kind of perverse logic of justification, where the very people who are preventing incidents from happening are now being told they have to go to where the incidents are”.

Moreover, the gr eater time spent outside the building in London’s winter is physically demanding and negatively impacts officers’ wellbeing, making them more prone to sickness as well as crime.

However, security officers highlighted how the new pattern actually leaves staff, students and property more vulnerable than before.

For instance, guards have already reported incidents of sensitive lab equipment lying undelivered on reception desks for hours due to lack of manned desks, which can hamper the research of many professors and PhD students if it happens again.

Moreover, if a professor or student is being followed, they now face a greater safety concern entering a building as they will be more vulnerable to tailgating due to the absence of desk staff.

By the time an officer reaches the site, someone could already have been attacked, or the property damaged or stolen. Additionally, in buildings with intercoms on the door, students

needing accessibility assistance may have to wait longer for security support to arrive. Having untrained security officers on site also endangers the health and safety of campus users, as they may not know UCL’s fire and safety procedures or the assembly points in an emergency.

Ultimately, this increase in workload has not corresponded with an increase in pay -- and will not until the management decides so -- due to the lack of benefits afforded to outsourced workers at UCL. In November 2019, outsourced workers won “parity”, that is being put on the same pay scales and employee benefits as in-house staff. However, not all benefits of being in-house have been made available to them.

A striking example of this inequality is the inability of outsourced workers to negotiate pay rises based on changed job responsibilities with HR, despite being on a UCL pay scale. Other shortcomings include restricted carer’s leave and a lack of discounted further education and childcare, all of which are services provided to direct employees.

This highlights only a fraction of the broader disparities faced by outsourced workers at UCL, which has ultimately created a two-tier workforce.

News & Investigations

They are the first and last points of contact in most buildings on campus. The illogical and short-sighted transformation is removing these essential members of the university from the buildings we all use every day, ultimately eroding the sense of community on campus by fracturing the relationships where professors and students once knew security guards by name.

The latest example of such disparities is the dramatic reduction in sick pay entitlement for guards, from 91 days every 12 months to 78 days across their career, as stated in a recent tweet by UCU. Dr Tiratelli explained: “I, through UCU, raised it with UCL, and they basically said that “this is still parity,” even though it’s clearly not.”

When a UNISON representative was asked about this, they said that “that’s not one that we recognise as happening”, and according to their communications with Bidvest Noonan, this change has not been made.

Ultimately, the very process that was aimed to enhance security service and experience has only diminished the quality of security and wellbeing of officers so far.

Where are the students?

Even with their booming sound system and rhythmic chants, protestors failed to faze UCL students.

Students continued walking, manoeuvring around the gathered groups with their averted eyes and headphones in or chattering away in groups of three.

Are they too oblivious to notice, or worse, too detached to care? “Without student support, there is no way we’re going to be able to achieve anything”, remarked a concerned security officer.

In the past, students have been active participants of such strikes. For instance, they reportedly played a crucial role in the 2019 strikes that led to pay parity, hosting a vocal protest outside the Provost’s Office to demand equality.

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 8

Yet, there is a growing sense of apathy among UCL students today. Dr Tiratelli explains this phenomenon best: “[Students] see [UCL] like a big corporation...Like, yes, you can boycott Sainsbury’s, but it’s Sainsbury’s, it’s not going to make that much difference”.

Indeed, many UK universities, once heralded as intellectual playgrounds for radical political action among the youth, have transformed into gargantuan commercialised factories demanding extortionate prices for a piece of paper that doesn’t guarantee a job. At UCL, the Students’ Union (SU) has played a crucial role in the depoliticisation of its student body. Both UCU and IWGB representatives have reportedly contacted the SU, only to receive no response.

In an interview with The Cheese Grater, Ahmad Ismail, the Diversity and Inclusion Officer, proudly stated that “We are completely driven by what our students put forward”, deflecting responsibility for SU’s inaction onto the students and their perceived lack of engagement with the issue. But whose responsibility is it really to motivate the other party to care?

Moreover, the transformation in security work structure, especially the hourly rotations, further prevents officers from forming personal relationships with staff and students, which is “the best part of the job”, according to some. It is important to remember that security officers do so much more at UCL than just security.

Where does this leave us?

During a Black History Month event organised by IWGB, representatives from Black Lives Matter (BLM) UK and Indian Labour Solidarity (ILS) denounced these practices as “racist”.

Praveen Kolluguri, co-founder of ILS, told The Cheese Grater that: “Casualisation creates a group of hyper-exploited migrant labourers who find themselves stuck in unpleasant jobs, reinforcing the idea that they’re somehow worth less than the rest of us.”

A prime example of this is the 35 redundancies in July where a hefty severance package was offered to security guards to voluntarily resign. The ones who chose to leave were reportedly some of the most experienced officers at UCL who did not want to work under the new system. A guard who has been working at UCL for 8 years remarked: “Their plan is to slowly push all of us… out. So no one strikes, they break the relationships, and then they can hire people for less money. Because the longer you stay…the more your pay goes up,” While UCL is not unique in exploiting such conditions, structural to the whole economy, there is no necessity for UCL to engage in this form of exploitation.

UCL is one of the UK’s wealthiest universities. It is also one of the only remaining universities in Central London to out-source its auxiliary workers.

In 2000, when UCL employed security in-house, officers were paid £13 an hour. In real terms, that would equal to £25 an hour today. Yet in 2023, most of them are paid only £15 an hour on average.

UCL has reportedly invested £10 million per year since 2020 to “harmonise pay” for outsourced workers.

Why are security officers still paid 60% of what they actually deserve?

Outside the very buildings where its academics preach anti-capitalist and anti-colonial praxis, UCL’s most racialised workforce that secures and cleans them is being exploited through the same mechanisms they critique, while the students of the same disciplines turn a blind eye.

This disconcerting reality will define the nature of the university for years to come.

Additional reporting by Malvika Murkumbi, Andreas Bidnic and Isabella Heath

“Without student support, there is no way we’re going to be able to achieve anything” - concerned security officer

9 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater

News & Investigations

TERF out Transphobia: The IOE and “Academic Freedom” Mads Brown

Students have finally had enough of the transphobic rhetoric which runs rife at UCL. On Friday 24th November, the chant: “Rejoin Stonewall or go to hell, no transphobes at UCL!” echoed across the University’s main quad.

In support of trans students, members of Gender and Feminism society, the LGBT network, and Student Socialist Alternative organised a walkout in order to speak out

against gender violence and transphobia. This is yet another demonstration in a series of protests which exemplify just how dissatisfied UCL students are with the stance that their University is taking on social and political issues.

At the walkout, a member of Student Socialist Alternative informed The Cheese Grater of the reasons UCL decided to leave Stonewall - a charity which advocates for LGBTQ+ rights and equality within education: “In 2021, UCL became the first UK University to disaffiliate with Stonewall, a decision that came about after pressure from transphobic academics claiming to be advocating for academic freedom. [...]

This has been opposed by both the UCU and UCL Students’ Union. For us, the fight for trans rights and women’s rights are part of the same struggle.”

Students who took to the main quad to protest for LGBTQ+ rights expressed equal frustration at UCL’s recent policy decisions. “Leaving Stonewall sets a precedent that UCL will not support their trans students”, one third-year PPE student told The Cheese Grater.

This anger and disappointment is not to be forgotten once the chanting has stopped and the posters are folded up in recycling bins.

Rie Rauting, a trans, non-binary Hijra* activist studying at UCL, does not feel safe or comfortable walking around campus. She told The Cheese Grater that they feel accepted by “five to seven individuals” at UCL, a University home to thousands of students.

“There’s always this thing in my heart when I’m walking past the gates, because the security guards are always staring at me - I’m always like: ‘Oh, are they going to stop me now? [...]

Even in student spaces like the graduate hub, or cafes, I feel uncomfortable.”

Rauting puts this down to a lack of queer visibility. At UCL “trans visibility is absent”, she says, ‘so there is no safe space where I feel accepted.”

From Rauting’s comments alone, it is clear that trans students at UCL are seriously in need of a community space in which they are able to fully express their identities and explore their understanding of gender in an environment where they feel accepted.

When Rauting tried to organise a panel event where a group of students would speak about South Asian, transgender, and Hijra history, they asked the organisers if it could be a queer-only space. This request was declined on the basis of the “UCL inclusion policy”.

Yet, groups such as UCL Women’s Liberation have managed to cultivate a “space for conversations

about sex, gender identity, and the rights of women and girls” - a space which excludes trans individuals.

This gender-based hypocrisy negates any claims that UCL makes for an inclusive, accepting environment. The above statement was taken from the UCL Women’s Liberation “X” page, a medium through which members of the group are able to inform the public of events that they believe endanger the safety of women.

On the 8th August 2023, UCL Women’s Liberation reposted a comment from Freya Vanadiss on “X” which actively condemned the actions of trans rights activists. Accompanying images of protestors holding signs such as “Rejoin Stonewall” and “Trans lives are not up for debate” is this statement: “We were surrounded in the room we were in - men screaming abuse with young women copying as they banged on the windows, scaring many of us and causing workshops to relocate.”

Not only does this statement misgender the trans women taking part in the demonstration, it also presents a peaceful protest which simply advocates for the rights of LBGTQ+ students at UCL as something to be fearful of.

This is certainly not an isolated example. Just a month earlier, on the 9th of July 2023, UCL Women’s Liberation reposted a tweet from Professor Alice Sullivan.

Beside another image of a peaceful protest Sullivan claims that a trans woman (whom she misgenders) was “inciting violence against women” and “shouting misogynistic abuse”.

* (in South Asia) a person whose birth sex is male but who identifies as female or as neither male nor female.

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 10

News & Investigations Alice Sullivan is a Professor of Sociology at UCL. On the 13th November 2023, she launched her book: Sex and Gender: A Contemporary Reader, at the University’s Institute of Education (IOE). Throughout her career, Sullivan has written a series of academic papers which are clearly indicative of her critical stance on transgender identity.

One article titled: ‘How Can Universities Promote Academic Freedom? Insights from the Front Line of the Gender Wars’ has been published by UCL Discovery. Throughout, Sullivan pushes transphobic rhetoric in favour of academic freedom. She refuses to accept the simple fact that trans women are women, claiming that this is a “polite fiction”.

The article also argues against Stonewall’s own definition of transphobia, stating that it is “open to interpretation, particularly given the lack of clarity and public understanding regarding the notion of gender identity”.

Professor Sullivan’s book launch was not the first time that the IOE provided a space for transphobia. On the 28th April 2023, a conference titled Time to Think: The Inside Story of the Collapse of the Tavistock’s Gender Service for Children showcased guest speaker Hannah Barnes.

The conference gave voice to Barnes’ critical opinion on the Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS) at The Tavistock and Portman NHS Trust. UCL Women’s Liberation’s comment on Barnes’ novel functioned to affirm the manner in which this critique of GIDS was used to facilitate transphobia: “GIDS has been the site of a serious medical scandal, in which ideological concerns took priority over clinical practice […] the result is a disturbing and gripping parable for our times.”

The most infamous of all transphobic events held at the IOE was the Education for Women’s Liberation conference which was held on the 4th February 2023. This was organised in collaboratiowith Women’s Place UK (WPUK), a group known for their trans-exclusionary radical feminism (TERF-ism).

As highlighted in their article ‘A Woman’s Place is in the Press’, WPUK pushes transphobic rhetoric in support of individuals they term to be “gender-critical women” who face “discrimination” from “trans rights activists and sympathetic journalists”.

The Cheese Grater accepts all allegations of sympathy towards trans people, and believes anyone else to be entirely incorrect.

Johanna Novales, the Equality, Diversity and Inclusion Coordinator for UCL Engineering, voiced their opinions to the SU:

WPUK are even trying to change the Independent Press Standards Organisation (IPSO) Code as they believe that:

“There’s a fair bit of anti-trans rhetoric at UCL, I think sometimes it is ignored or protected under the name of academic freedom. I think it makes people feel unsafe and UCL needs to address that more.”

“Newspapers should be able to identify someone by their biological sex in stories where not to do so would be nonsensical or confusing to the reader. This is particularly the case in stories involving male-to-female transgender criminals.”

Thankfully, this is not a UCLwide issue, as groups such as Gender and Feminism Society (GenFem) support women’s rights through the means of trans-inclusive feminism.

GenFem’s LGBTQ+ officer, Lilly Bartsch, told The Cheese Grater that “we can’t practise feminism without thinking about how everyone is affected by it, not just cis-gendered women.” The society have also actively spoken out against UCL Women’s Liberation, stating that: “Transphobic staff need to be held accountable for their actions. [...] The Women’s Liberation Conference that was organised by WPUK and took place at UCL last year featured incredibly strong transphobic ideals. UCL cannot provide a space for these types of organisations.”

In light of this, it is evident that UCL has put certain structures in place to aid trans students.

For example, a policy and guidance page for students who are transitioning provides the details of a Student Support and Wellbeing team for students who are transitioning and states the appropriate language to be used when addressing trans students.

The page takes note of the The Gender Recognition Act (GRA), which prevents discrimination against trans students and enables them with the freedom to change their legal gender.

Further to this, in April 2023, UCL’s LGBTQ+ Equalities Implementation Group (LEIG) announced a fund to help students and staff with projects that make UCL a more inclusive space for the LGBTQ+ community.

Despite this, when the Students’ Union (SU) spoke to trans, non-binary, and gender-diverse students across the University, it became evident that these students do not feel accepted.

*a member of the lowest class in the traditional Hindu social hierarchy

Yet, the lack of inclusivity which Novales speaks to is something which the SU claims they will address in the LGBTQ+ 2023-25 Action Plan, launched on the 26th October 2023.

In light of UCL’s recent decision to leave Stonewall, there has been some understandable scepticism amongst students surrounding the plan.

Rauting, who found the statement inaccessible and brimming with false promises, told The Cheese Grater: “I read it and I’m like, this looks like dog shit wrapped in golden paper. [...] it’s bullshit because you’re going to use big words [but the] first thing should be that you shouldn’t back out from Stonewall. You should fund it in some ways, because you’re a huge university.”

One of the key aims of the plan is to “establish […] LBGTQ+ role models at UCL”, the rationale for this being that a “lack of visibility is an issue for students, especially for those who are trans and non-binary”.

Yet, the provision of role models for LGBTQ+ students at the University is clearly infringed upon by the employment of staff members who hold transphobic views, and are given a platform to voice these opinions on UCL campus.

Currently, students do not feel like there is anywhere they can express their gender identity safely. One third-year student at the walkout told The Cheese Grater: “I myself have had people target me at UCL for being transgender. I’ve had people say “you can’t change your sex” and other transphobic comments. There is currently no channel, no way for us to report that sort of violence and hatred at UCL” It is equally unlikely that when, or if, UCL does platform LGBTQ+ role models, that they are going to be representative of all students. “There are other Dalit* trans people who have studied in the UK universities before, but if you’re not out, that’s not representation”,

11 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater Rauting informed The Cheese Grater, “there’s no space for me in the trans network, queer spaces, Socialist Alternative [...] because even just giving an opinion or correcting somebody is taken as an act of aggression.”

In an interview with The Cheese Grater, Bartsh was unconvinced of UCL’s plan to roll out “allyship training with specific focuses on transphobia, homophobia and biphobia” to a “certain percentage” of the UCL community.

Rauting told The Cheese Grater that the few LGBTQ+ role models that UCL do currently have are not being given the space to express their queer identities, be that due to misgendering or other microaggressions.

“There’s a lot of training that needs to be made available and not just for a certain percentage”, she told us.

This is because “we need to unpack how we talk about gender in academic circumstances. Especially in medicine and other STEM courses where sex can be a recurring subject of discussion”.

Due to the lack of “visibly trans people” present at UCL, Rauting told us that she feels like “a freak”, when in actuality they’re “just a student who’s in the university [she’s] paying for”. Moreover, the trans and non-binary staff that are employed by UCL are “misgendered left, right and centre by their other colleagues”, said Rauting.

The LGBTQ+ Action Plan also contributes to the “disagreeing well” debates, and intends to introduce “clearer definitions” of terms such as this in order to protect marginalised groups from discrimination. Previously at UCL, the defence of “academic freedom” has been used as a guise for transphobia.

This weak defence was used in 2018, when six UCL academics opposed changes to the Gender Recognition Act. They signed a letter in The Guardian stating that any further changes would stifle academic research by labelling it as transphobic.

When asked if they thought academic freedom was suppressed by expression of gender identity, students were in unanimous disagreement. “I feel that suppressing a freedom to express gender identity is suppressing academic freedom. I find discussion of gender can be extremely enlightening”, was one UCL student’s response to an anonymous questionnaire sent out by The Cheese Grater.

Not only does this prioritisation of academic freedom leave students feeling secondary to UCL’s research aims, it is also a “very Eurocentric” argument, stated Rauting. “Trans people have existed in Europe, but not as communities as they have in Hawaii, as they have in India, as in Pakistan, Australia.”

When we don’t talk about trans people as having “existed for years and years”, she said, we are not only invalidating their individual identities, “but also the culture itself, their culture, their lived experiences.”

It is incredibly alarming that one of the aims of the Action Plan is to “undertake an audit of UCL systems and processes, ensuring that these are trans inclusive”. The fact that this has not already been achieved is a failure to trans students, who are often not registered with the correct name and pronouns. This is what happened to Rauting: “I was speaking to an admin person via email and I said: ‘Hi, you know, I go by this name and I have this query.’ This person just referred to me by the name I don’t use, and they’re like: ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, it was just your email ID’. But I’m like, yes, but I’ve literally written a whole email about being trans, how can you ignore it?’’.

At the moment, UCL students are able to add their pronouns onto their Outlook profile, but it’s not compulsory to do so. “One red asterisk with pronouns could start a conversation, because people are like: ‘‘why pronouns, I don’t have pronouns?’ Everybody has pronouns”, Rauting told The Cheese Grater.

However, aside from this, there is language which needs to be monitored on campus that does not necessarily fall under the audit.

Even outside of online systems, students still feel the need to express their gender identity, with one UCL student stating that: “there is no way for me to express my non-binary identity beyond telling staff directly about my pronouns which I am not comfortable with at this stage of my journey.”

In terms of UCL’s internal processes, the University may have been relatively effective in catering to the needs of trans students, but it’s siply not enough.

One third-year PPE student commented: “I think that UCL does have a very good transgender fund, which I have used myself, but that is just the beginning. […]

We need to continue to help support our

News & Investigations transgender students. […] The limit of the transgender fund was £100 per student. We all know UCL has much more than that.”

Students interact with staff on a day-to-day basis, and so even if all of UCL’s online systems are updated to be trans inclusive, trans students could still run into transphobic rhetoric.

This is particularly relevant when it comes to staff members, who have the capacity to impact the mental health of LGBTQ+ students under their guidance.

Several students at UCL are of the opinion that there should be some form of repercussion for staff members who exhibit transphobic beliefs.

In response to The Cheese Grater’s anonymous poll, one UCL student said: “Everyone - from the student body to the president to the cleaners - should make sure that they feel very silly. […] Repeat offenders should be made to feel even sillier.”

As The Cheese Grater have learnt from the recent suspension of the Marxist Society, UCL is well within its rights to shut down any organisation whom they interpret to be using hate speech or inciting violence.

This raises the question as to why the University is yet to take any action against Womens’ Liberation, who use UCL premises to spout trans-exclusionary sentiment, refuses to correctly gender trans individuals, and titles their research: “The Gender Wars”.

UCL’s release of an LGBTQ+ Action Plan feels incredibly performative in an environment where transphobia is so rife and such a threat to student wellbeing.

One student protesting at the walkout commented on what they termed the “baseless” nature of the University’s trans activism: “It’s like they’re trying to cover their tracks. Look at us, we’ve put up a trans flag, we’re definitely not transphobic. But if your trans students, your LGBTQ+, students don’t feel safe, don’t feel like they’re getting representation or respect, then there’s no point. It’s just ridiculous.”

Ultimately, it feels as if UCL is not taking transphobia seriously. As one anonymous UCL student told The Cheese Grater: “Transphobia kills, and it feels many people underestimate the impact it has on trans people”.

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 12

News & Investigations In leaving Stonewall, UCL “sent a very clear message to all LGBTQIA+ students, especially trans and non-binary students, that we are not a priority”, Bartsch told The Cheese Grater.

This is most certainly not mitigated by the tokenistic gestures made by the University. Putting the trans colours “on a lanyard and charging six pounds for them [...] doesn’t do anything” stated Rauting.

If UCL are indeed intent on remaining separate from Stonewall, then it is essential that they now consider other means by which to support their LGBTQ+ students.

Additional reporting by Sirjan Narang / Graphic by Tess Meerson

University College Hospital and the Met Police Fail to “Treat Homeless People Like Human Beings” Mayra Nassef, Ishita Jainer and Malvika Murkumbi On 13 November, the Metropolitan Police, in conjunction with University College Hospital (UCH), forcibly demolished tents used by homeless people on Huntley Street near the UCL main campus.

Ironically, the hospital alleged that it did not request for the tents to be destroyed, but rather urged homeless people to change their locations due to “health concerns”.

A total of ten homeless people’s tents and possessions were completely destroyed in a place which should have provided safety.

The callous and cruel act has led the Camden Councillor Pat Callaghan to call for an investigation into the Metropolitan Police’s conduct. Yet, one thing is clear and does not require any further investigation: this was an absolute travesty that represents systemic inaction towards homelessness in the area around UCL. It is perhaps not a surprise that these events occurred after ex-Home Secretary Suella Braverman’s incendiary remarks that homelessness is a “lifestyle choice”. The ex-Home Secretary’s claims were not only an inhumane degradation of those sleeping rough, but also absolved the government of all responsibility in caring for its most vulnerable citizens.

When Layla Quaedvlieg, the Publicity Officer at the UCL Student Action Against Homelessness (UCLSAAH), was asked by The Cheese Grater if they thought the severity of the action was prompted by Braverman’s comments, she told us that Braverman’s “tweets were disgraceful, but unfortunately the opinion of more people than we would like to think.”

Quaedvlieg also stated that the decision to camp outside the Grafton Way Building on Huntley Street was likely circumstantial, as the space is “covered by a roof, not on the main road,” in a “relatively safe area.” She added that they were “fairly sure that the reason there was such a crowding of tents on that particular street was because the UCH building has a vent that releases hot air, providing the tents with more warmth”.

Elaborating further on the vicious way in which homeless people have been treated around UCL, Quaedvlig stated: “The dispersal, if proved to be presenting a serious threat to the hospital, may be understandable from a policing perspective. However, what we most firmly disagree with is the extreme and unjust disposal of property with little notice and no alternative accommodation options for the people affected”.

Unfortunately, however, such spiteful responses to homelessness go beyond just the Met Police. Braverman’s plans, when she held office as Home Secretary, included adding clauses into the criminal justice bill to minimise the amount of tents in public spaces, including ones placed in front of shops.

Once again, the opportunity to provide solutions to actually combat the issue of homelessness are being ignored by those who are in the position to enact change.

Braverman’s policy proposals also fall in line with the misguided idea that being homeless is somehow a “choice” - which, obviously, it is not.

Red herrings are consistently being used to blame homeless people entirely for their own condition, with no offerings of support or aid being provided.

Between July and September 2023, 279 individuals in Camden were stated to be homeless (a figure that excludes those who are staying in temporary accommodations). Such a statistic is not only harrowing, but also reflects a troubling increase in the homeless population of Camden.

Indeed, Quaedvlieg pointed out that “even without reading the statistics, I think we can all agree there has been a visible increase in how many homeless people we see day-to-day, not only in our area but everywhere in London, and the UK.” This rise in rough sleepers has occurred in concurrent to the cost of living crisis, marked by soaring rents and rising food prices. The unaffordability .

of essential human necessities, like shelter and food, has pushed more people into homelessness and abject poverty. It is therefore shocking to witness an area that should be a place of refuge - a hospital (linked so heavily to our University) - to partake in such an action against vulnerable rough sleepers.

In light of this upsetting incident, UCL SAAH wanted to emphasise the fact that they organise regular outreach events to offer support to those suffering homelessness in the area.

Quaedvlieg confirmed that they provide “food and drinks” to those in need, and are currently planning to introduce “care packages” that would include essential products such as menstrual products and warm clothes. They also collaborate with bigger organisations such as “Shelter from the Storm”; on the 16th of November 2023 they raised over £400 for the charity in a joint event with the UCL Baking Society.

These initatives points to some really promising signs coming from organisations within UCL, but there’s still a long way to go to alleviate homelessness in a more permanent sense both around campus and beyond.

Unfortunately, the dehumanisation of homeless people lies at the root of many of the malicious actions taken against them. Students at UCL can contribute to the de-stigmatisation and support of rough sleepers by joining UCL SAAH alongside showing support to local initiatives and organisations tackling the issue.

Quaedvlieg stated that the least we can do as students on a daily basis is to “treat homeless people like humans”, “don’t just avert your eyes - a smile can go a long way. They aren’t unfriendly, they are just regular people.”

Additional Reporting

by Awen Summers and Robert Delaney

13 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater

News & Investigations

2000 Yen, a Watch, and a Few Laptops: Unlocking the Secrets of UCL’s ‘Lacklustre’ Accomodation Security Andrea Bidnic, Adnan Bader and Rebekah Wright Every year, thousands of bright-eyed new students take the obligatory pre-university trip to IKEA to gather a collection of pots, pans, bed sheets and maybe even a tin opener.

For many students, life in halls is an iconic and exciting part of their university experience. Whilst flatcest, midnight fire alarms and the four loaves of mouldy bread left by your anonymous flatmate might be part and parcel of staying in university accommodation, having your laptop stolen from your room certainly shouldn’t be.

However, The Cheese Grater has received multiple testimonies from students describing security deficiencies in UCL halls, highlighting the ubiquity of insecure infrastructure, a disorganised security system and insufficient responses to repeated complaints.

Students should be able to expect that the extortionate rent they pay to live in London halls will at least cover very basic security, especially when one considers the relatively high crime rates in the capital.

Yet a resident of Ifor Evans during the 2021-22 academic year told The Cheese Grater that on her first day in halls, she discovered that the lock on her door was broken. If she shut the door completely, she would be locked in her flat.

After being unable to close her door for a month someone was sent to repair it. One would expect such a problem to be easily fixed, but instead the Ifor Evans resident stated: “For about five weeks after [the repair team came] my door didn’t lock because the way they fixed the problem was by taking away the lock”.

The lack of haste in fixing such a glaring security concern suggests very little care about the safety of our Ifor informant and her belongings on the part of UCL accommodation security. The Ifor Resident recalled that: “The front gate was probably only locked about 50% of the time, and the front door into the building was never locked, ever.”

In one telling anecdote, the resident returned to Ifor Evans at 4:30am, having forgotten her key.

She recalled her predicament, stating:

‘I was like “Oh my God! I’m gonna have to stay out until someone lets me in!” But then, the front gate was open, the front door was open, and my door wasn’t locked so I ended up just being able to walk in on my own to my room without a key.’

The Ifor Evans resident also bemoaned UCL’s lacklustre response to her issues. She explained that when she questioned the lack of security at her halls ‘someone turned up in [her] room and said “Oh hey, I’m here some nights”, introduced himself, gave me his personal phone number. It wasn’t like a security phone number, it was this guy’s phone number.’

“If someone knew where I lived, there wasn’t anything stopping them from just walking in or sharing the information”, the resident concluded. “It wasn’t very safe and I was quite frustrated”. Clearly, despite the almost laughable condition of security in Ifor Evans, the possible consequences for the resident we spoke to, and the 307 other students that lived there, were seriously unsettling and potentially dangerous.

Unfortunately, Ifor Evans is not the only hall suffering from an acute case of lax security measures.

A resident of John Tovell House, who lived in the Gower Street accommodation between September 2022 and June 2023, told The Cheese Grater that on 15th January 2023, one of his flatmates had been the victim of a robbery.

One may quite sensibly assume the robbery occurred whilst the victim was valiantly meandering the mean streets of Bloomsbury for the day, or even when they had gone home for the weekend. But no.

The victim of the robbery had simply left their room to use the toilet within the same building. The flatmate of the student who was robbed explained to us that the victim “hadn’t been gone for more than ten minutes”. It’s astounding that the state of security at John Tovell is so terrible that going to the bathroom has become a risk factor for your most treasured possessions getting nicked.

Unsurprisingly, the burglar didn’t dramatically smash through a window or abseil down into the room Mission Impossible-style - they simply walked in through the front door. “Unless you really slam it shut, consciously behind you, then it stays open”, the John Tovell resident affirmed.

The victim’s flatmate was obviously frustrated as well, exclaiming that “for them to be reducing security to a 9 to 5 is insanity”. He argued that “the service [UCL Accommodation] are providing, and what they’re charging, allows them to make a huge amount of [profit]”.

He also acknowledged that the members of UCL’s security team are also greatly underpaid, which is yet another argument supporting the fact that UCL Accommodation are more focused on surplus profits than student safety.

Even students at the comparatively modern Astor College have had to rely more heavily on WhatsApp group chats than on the hall security to keep them safe. One resident of Astor College between 2022 and 2023, shockingly recounted that a student in the flat next to hers had also been the victim of a robbery, and that an unknown individual was supposedly lurking around the building at around 7:30pm on 8 February 2023. The Astor resident told us that: “The only reason we knew there was a robber is because we saw the texts.”

Allegedly, the man stole “a watch and 2000 yen”. 2000 yen is about £10 and The Cheese Grater is uncertain as to the value of the watch. What is certain, however, is that no student should fear any item or amount of money - be it two laptops or a tenner - might be stolen from their room in UCL halls.

What’s more concerning is the fact that an unidentified man was able to stalk around Astor College, slipping in unnoticed by security. Once again, there seems to be little concern about the safety of the students and, like in Ifor Evans, the possibility of a random intruder could have had much more serious consequences.

Following the incident at Astor College, the Hall’s overseers did email students, encouraging them to check who they let into the building behind them.

These emails do seem to have been a fairly futile attempt to tighten security.

Apparently, even a hall renovated as recently as 2019 cannot escape the curse of unlocked doors. The Astor resident we spoke to went on to explain that “anyone who’s ever been to Astor College knows that these doors stay open for a good minute and you can’t close them any faster than that”.

News & Investigations

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 14

So who, or what, is to blame for the eruption of robberies and the lack of locks in recent years? Well, since September 2021, security has only been present from 9am to 5pm on working days in Bloomsbury area accommodations.

the proposal was banished back to the “Welfare Community Zone” where it had just come from. The minutes from the next Welfare and Community Zone meeting in February don’t mention the word “security” once.

As such, around 2000 residents have paid similar (if not higher) fees as previous years whilst seeing their security reduced.

The most highly publicised service available to students in a security emergency is the SafeZone app. However, students who have used the app appear to have run into some serious limitations.

Even more disappointingly, the Students’ Union appears to be unbothered by this. On 5th December 2022, the Welfare and Community Zone meeting passed a policy to bring back security to all UCL halls permanently with 89% of the vote.

In the Union Executive meeting (this is a higher board than the Welfare and Community Zone) held on 12 December 2022, the policy was proposed again by Umair Mehmood, the then Welfare and Community Officer.

However, the proposal was to become yet another helpless victim of Union bureaucracy. After the Representation and Democracy manager clarified that “the Union Executive cannot make amendments to policies”,

When the John Tovell resident we spoke to had to use it, after locking himself out of his room, he explained that “they had an ongoing incident somewhere else, and I had to wait three hours to get back in.”

The resident revealed that, unsurprisingly, the team is severely understaffed and cannot deal with multiple incidents occurring simultaneously as they “only have one security team”.

The Cheese Grater has endeavoured to gain comment from three of the 2022/2023 hall reps over the course of our investigation, seeking to gain their opinions, insights, and goals relating to security deficiencies.

Unfortunately, we received no answer from two of them, and the third refused to be interviewed. Hall reps are certainly not responsible for UCL Accomodation’s second-rate security measures, and definitely do not have unlimited jurisdiction to implement solutions.

However, their refusal to assure their role as a spokesperson in support of their hall residents is greatly disappointing.

Ultimately, it appears that UCL Accomodation and The Students’ Union have no interest in reintroducing 24 hour security into UCL halls.

Employing and fairly paying more security staff would allow emergencies to be responded to quicker, and unlockable doors to be fixed in a timely fashion.

The consequences of UCL’s poor security measures have already resulted in multiple robberies and the potential for something worse to happen will remain until more time, money, and energy is spent revitalising the security system at UCL halls. Maybe then students at John Tovell House will be able to use the bathroom in peace.

Graphic by Tess Meerson

15 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater

Voices

Not a Big Deal - The Plight of an “Oppressed Middle-Eastern Woman” Mayra Nassef

As an immigrant, my existence has always been political. To say where I’m from, or even where I’ve lived my whole life, often immediately brings up some essentialist orientalist stereotype in the conversation.

Orientalism - a theory coined by academic Edward Saïd in 1978 - refers to the idea that the Middle-East/Asia is often ‘othered’ and represented as lesser than through hegemonic western narratives.

When asked to explain ‘orientalism’ simply, I always bring up Disney’s Aladdin. You see, Aladdin is the poster child for orientalism. The city of Agrabah depicted in Aladdin vaguely blends about 10 countries’ cultures together, representing the orient as a barbaric, opulent, poor, conservative, and provocative place. This jarring mix of adjectives perfectly represents what orientalism is: contradictory and essentialist. And hey, I actually loved Aladdin growing up.

I guess some peripheral representation is better than none? The protagonists are Middle-Eastern after all. Agraban? Never mind, it’s not a big deal anyways.

Thankfully, Agrabah is a fictional placeWhile there were some American Republican voters in the faraway year of 2015 who thought otherwise and actually voted in favour of bombing the fictional city, most of us are blessed with the gift of knowledge. Well, kind of. Sort of. Maybe? Microaggressions tell a more complicated story, being a more implicit type of orientalism.

Microaggressions are ever so small, often barely noticeable, body language cues or remarks towards minority groups that signal a negative bias towards them. They are often entirely unintentional and are almost entirely based upon internal biases.

I can barely count how many “Oh, you lived in Dubai, do you own a lambo?” comments or strange facial expressions when I tell people I’m from Egypt. I can always sense a slight over-eagerness as they ask which religion I follow, with the optional follow-up question of why I’m not wearing a hijab.

Yes, these are all microaggressions too. My personal favourite is “Wow, you speak really good English!”

Just assumptions I guess, no big deal.

I’ve received many facial microaggressions when introducing myself - in London and beyond. I can only describe these expressions as a mix of pity, bemusement, and sometimes even surprise?

The look of “you’re so brave as an oppressed Middle-Eastern woman to be here” or “wow, how exotic!’ It’s a stark difference from when someone introduces themselves as being from a Western country, they often just receive a look of nonchalant interest in response.

It’s a frustrating experience to feel like you’ve already lost as soon as you’ve introduced yourself. You know someone’s either in the process of categorising you or that you’ve already been categorised. It’s why I often delay the introduction of my background or try to omit it completely. But you know what? It’s okay. It can never be as bad as when that one guy asked me if I lived in a pyramid (true story). No big deal.

I always add that I grew up in Dubai, when in reality I’ve mostly lived just outside of Dubai; people always express confusion when they discover that Dubai is not actually a country. It’s happened so much that I’ve altered the way I introduce myself.

If the conversation continues, I would go on to explain that Dubai is a city in the United Arab Emirates, and that Dubai is not even the capital of that country.

I had to explain this very point to a university’s administration in the Netherlands when I was applying for my undergraduate degree there. I don’t blame people, it’s not their fault; it’s systemic orientalism. Well whatever, I’m bad at geography too, I guess. No big deal.

Growing up in a post-9/11 world, hiding my identity when I travel is all I’ve ever known; to not speak Arabic in public, to not openly share where I’m from, and to assure people that I’m “not like those other scary Arabs!” I don’t even know what it means to be a “scary Arab” as I’ve seldom met anyone like that in reality.

I’ve been ashamed of who I am for my whole life: watching depictions of Middle-Eastern people on TV that are degrading, upsetting, and occasionally fetishistic (this is just as bad).

You’re either a “scary Arab”, or a hot, scantily clad woman. Belly-dancing harem or scheming terrorist. An object of disgust or desire. An object, only.

Those dichotomies don’t even scratch the surface of many other derogatory and contradictory depictions out there.

My experience is not mine alone. It’s a collective one. And it’s only recently that I’ve started to open up to others about it.

Recently, I’ve spoken to UCL students about these aforementioned orientalist depictions of the Middle-East. Especially with people who similarly have Middle-Eastern roots. They feel the same.

Some have never been taught Arabic - the fear of being recognised as Middle-Eastern runs that deep it’s internalised racism and self-hate.

The feeling of “why was I born this way?”, and, “Why can’t people see me as the normal person that I am?”

It’s either proving that you’re a model minority who’s a stellar representation of your minority group or someone who plays into the orientalist stereotypes projected onto them. This is manifested by consistently bringing up your background or portraying yourself in archetypes to be more easily accepted. I used to tell myself that it wasn’t a big deal.

Moving to the Netherlands three years ago, I realised that I had been naïve, I realised I shouldn’t be ashamed of my identity. This change of heart only happened after two years of living there, mind you.

My national identity was inescapable. I immediately ran into bureaucratic issues because Rotterdam (the city I lived in) couldn’t accurately process certain foreign passports that have different name distinctions. I was registered as a “.” (yes, a literal full stop) for my first name during my entire stay. Try as I might, nothing changed.

Name issues with exam registrations, roll-calls, and driving tests commenced. In my final year, I contacted my university’s student publication to alert them to this issue, hoping to raise the issue to the city hall. There is hope. Well, either way it’s no big deal.

The symbolic insinuation of registering an immigrant as a “.” was quite alarming. It’s something I wrote in my motivation letter for my MSc at UCL. I felt so embarrassed every time my name came up on screen and I felt bad for others who had the same issue.

Most of the immigrant students facing this issue were Middle-Eastern/Asian.

Voices After studying there for years, I realised that things had to change for me, and for other minority immigrants. We cannot be seen this way.

To have people persist in telling me that they know my culture more than I do and to insist that I’m an oppressed woman who needs saving bothered me to the core. Is this all there is to people like me? Headlines? Pity?

Tokenism? Whatever - I’ll use humour as a coping mechanism. I always have.

I had to start speaking up for myself, and not let other people speak for me.

I was no longer going to hide where I was from. I was going to mend my Arabic, which I’d neglected for so long, by signing up as an Arabic tutor at my university. But in a way, that was still political.

A reclamation of my identity still felt like I was trying too hard. Ehh, no big deal.

Then things started to take a turn for the worse: headlines again.

Shooting at my undergraduate university.

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 16 Religiously motivated? War again in the Middle-East. War again in the Middle-East. Collective trauma on both sides. A lack of understanding; the dissolution of safe spaces and moments of mourning. With us or against us. Mutuals who don’t know if their family is safe. Mutuals who have lost people.

Both sides facing rising hate crimes; both sides as marginalised communities who have been historically degraded. Both sides being unable to talk to each other. Depictions of sufferers as objects of pity, not people. Not people. Never been people; just headlines. Not addressed in university. Nothing. No big deal.

At the end of it all, I’ve realised something. There’s no use lamenting it all: the fact that I feel unsafe to be who I am, or the stereotypes that come with it.

I was born this way, and it is what makes me special - no matter how ridiculous and second-grade-classroom-talk that sounds.

To navigate the current climate as an international person (in every way possible)

with Arab roots is something that I shouldn’t be ashamed of. Maybe I will never be able to escape the model minority archetype or the orientalism attached to me, but I can try to unlearn it. Everyone can.

Everyone can and should matter. We all know that headlines never tell the full story - literally.

Our stories need to be shared by us.

The more I’ve travelled, the more I meet people who have such interesting backgrounds and struggles, the more I’ve found that we are all quite similar in that. Not being colour-blind, but normalising our existence. Because being who I am, it’s no big deal.

What is a big deal is to be able to be open up about our experiences and talk about our similarities and differences.

To always practise empathy. Always. It’s what we so desperately need in these times.

It’s what will get us through, eventually.

Untitled Rant: Why Care About Student Journalism? (Subject to Change) Robert Delaney (see next page for portrait) The question posed above is one I often face when confronted about my role as co-Editor-in-Chief at The Cheese Grater. Curious friends, mostly those from outside the university sphere, ask me what the point of student journalism is. What is the raison d’etre behind it all? And I don’t blame them.

Student journalism is a thankless task, with a lot of work and very little reward. I should note that such questions are never posed in a discourteous manner, I try to make friends with nice enough people.

Nonetheless, this line of questioning is legitimate and thought provoking. I do often find myself wondering as to why anyone should care about student journalism at this (somewhat) fine institution, and that’s coming from me, someone who cares deeply about all of this nonsense.

So, why don’t people care about student journalism? I wish to start answering this question by outlining the three types of people who exist in the world of UCL. First, we have those who dislike student journalism as we report on their wrong-doings (I’m looking at you Rugby, Hockey and Finance Society). These people read our condemning articles as it has a tangible impact on their lives (they can’t go to Scala on a Wednesday for two weeks), but ignore anything else published

as it doesn’t fit into their jam-packed schedules consisting of ‘training then pub, then more training and more pub’.

Next, we have those who don’t engage in the culture of the university, which is probably the largest camp.

These boring types think of the number 3.14159 when someone mentions Pi and think The Cheese Grater is some type of parmesan appreciation society for pretentious weirdos (they aren’t far off with the last part to be fair).

Finally we have my favourite group in this triad, those who actually quite like reading student publications. If you have made it this far into the article, this is most likely the group you belong to.

This tripartite categorisation, UCL’s unholy trinity of sorts, was not always the case however. The student body used to be somewhat of a homogenous, student publication loving, mass.

If you have ever had the displeasure of visiting the media office above the Bloomsbury Theatre, in which anyone using the microwave room can observe you typing away through the glass walls with broken blinds, you will have seen the old front pages of Pi pinned to the wall. The formerly bi-weekly student-ran publication was the primary source of

UCL-related news for students in the pre-internet age. I like to imagine that UCL during the golden-age of the newspaper looked something like this: Envision the nice middle part of the Main Library - which for those of you who work in Hell (The Student Centre) is the round bit with the statue from Inception - filled with suited and booted students running around, so engrossed in reading their student newspapers that they haven’t noticed the wall ahead of them. I can only think of it as a glorious time! Bring back the papers I say!

I’m being overly nostalgic here, but the point I’m trying to prove is that student journalism was once a thriving artform. In our modern times, to meet a person who has heard of The Cheese Grater or Pi Media is quite rare.

So, what happened? Why don’t people care about student journalism anymore?

There’s a few answers to this question, but the most obvious is the internet. That’s right, damn you Sir Tim Berners-Lee! Whilst the internet promised a golden-age of expansion for budding student journalists, what has transpired is quite the opposite.

This isn’t innately a bad thing, I don’t want to come across as a nostalgic conservative.

17 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater But as the way in which we consume media changed, journalism as a practice shifted too. People, on the whole (I am generalising a lot here), are no longer interested in long-form journalism.

I sound very old writing this, but in the age of Tik-Tok and Instagram Reels our attention spans for consuming content has drastically reduced. This is just one of many reasons why student journalism has fallen out of fashion.

Our pieces are long and infrequent, the opposite of what the all-mighty algorithm permits. A lot of people aren’t interested in spending their limited freetime between seminars, assignments and lectures doing more arduous, longform and quasi-academic-ish reading.

However, as stated, the above point is just one of a dozen reasons why student journalism is somewhat outmoded at UCL. I have a few friends who write for Varsity, the University of Cambridge’s outstanding ‘Guardian-esque’ bi-weekly newspaper. Varsity is well-read in both its online and physical form; people get excited to read about university news, sports updates and opinion pieces. So, why isn’t this the case at UCL? Ultimately, the way in which UCL has been constituted as a university means one can opt out of engaging with university life. The lack of a college system,

or isolated campus setting, means that there is no necessitated market for news.

We aren’t crammed together as students in a tiny town or isolated campus, and most of what goes on doesn’t impact all members of the university ‘community’.

This also means that the budget of student newspapers is comparatively low.

In Cambridge or Oxford, when something happens in student politics for example, everyone needs to know exactly what’s going on. In a small city, built around the university, such events are of the utmost importance. At UCL, most can’t name a single sabbatical officer (besides us at The Cheese Grater, we are constantly surveilling their every move…).

Moreover, our campus is in the heart of London, so to escape from Bloomsbury life one can walk for five minutes in any direction and completely disconnect from the world of UCL. With the opening of UCL East last month, this atomised university will only become more disconnected, with our relatively incohesive student body expanding to zone 3.

So, I have outlined a few reasons as to why student journalism at UCL is quite outmoded, but there is no point in me writing all of this without offering any type of solution. Firstly then, why should we care about student journalism?

As I have just argued, UCL is quite a disconnected university, yet the impact Student’s Union (SU) politics, institut-

Voices ional decisions and departmental shortcomings have on our lives is a lot greater than we seem to think as a student body The impact the SU has on our lives as students is perhaps the most underestimated.

The (in)famous UCL bars, the cheapest in central London (if not the entire country), are core to socialising at UCL. They are run by the SU. Nearly every society is affiliated with the SU, which allocates society funding, rooms, meeting times and, most importantly, The Cheese Grater’s printing grants...

The SU Sabbatical officers are also paid officials for whom we vote to represent our interests to upper management within UCL. The decisions taken by the union have a tangible impact on the lives of students, quite like a government or executive body of a corporation. UCL upper management and the university’s teaching departments also hold huge power in the lives of students. This power cannot go unchecked.

UCL is fundamentally a democracy, at least at the student level.

We vote for committees, referendums and those who represent us in the upper echelons of the SU. Why then should these elected officials go unmoderated?

One core mechanism of checking the power of such figures is the press.

The purpose of investigative reporting is to do exactly this; to hold to account those in positions of power when they step out of line (which is almost constantly).

Voices

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 18

The reporting of basic news is also crucial in drawing attention to any ongoing events at the university, good or bad. Without student journalism, there would be no interrogation of Michael Spence’s Stalinist Politburo, no reporting on UCU affairs (which, as we saw with the marking and assessments boycott, impacts student’s lives immensely) and no satirical denigration of institutional actors who engage in numerous forms of malpractice.

Ultimately, the student press is essential to the survival of student democracy at UCL. We must then ask, how can student journalists invigorate the student base into caring about our work and democracy at UCL? I have just written about why it is imperative that people care about what we do, but how can we make anyone actually listen?

I believe that the lack of engagement with student journalism is as much our fault as journalists as it is the fault of any other factor I’ve mentioned thus far.

Ultimately, we need to take steps to publish more work on engaging UCL affairs. I am not advocating for a transformation of The Cheese Grater into a Daily Mail type publication specialising

in hit pieces (we wouldn’t be able to afford the legal fees), but I would love to oversee the publishing of more frequent UCL-related content. don’t want us to be like The London Tab however. The Tab is as close as a student publication can get to a Murdoch-funded BuzzFeed.

Moreover, it is important for us as editors to ensure pieces stay relatively short. Whilst I have most certainly not done this here or in this issue more broadly (shoot me, I dare you), I think that the accessibility of student media and journalism can be greatly enabled by the curtailing of pressing news items and investigations.

I also wish to bring back printed editions. I know, I’m a dinosaur, but there is something quite nice and reading it on the tube on the way home instead of intermittently checking your DMs when you briefly connect to station wifi on the Central Line going eastbound.

readers on all fronts. In essence, this is my battle plan for the war on apathy.

So to conclude, student journalism isn’t in the healthiest place at UCL. It isn’t all terrible however. The Cheese Grater produces outstanding journalism every year without failure and always wins something at the Student Publication Association Awards.

Other media societies are doing well too. Yes, I will even give Pi Media some credit. I am lucky enough to work alongside a brilliant editorial team, within a great student media community, who are also trying to make student journalism more pertinent in student life here at UCL. All media societies, including The Cheese Grater, are on an upward trajectory in every sense of the term, but as always, there is more to be done!

Graphic by Tess Meerson

Ultimately, I think the best way forward for all student journalism, but specifically The Cheese Grater, is to frequently publish a hybrid concoction of long and short form journalism, both online and in print.

This way, we can engage potential

Soc Bitch: Booze, Boys and Bastards God EFS, I’m getting really bored of you lot now.

I’ve honestly started to lose track of the amount of times I’ve griped about your gross incapability to be normal human beings.

Their latest misbehaviour resulted in them getting kicked out of the freshers fair for handing champagne out.

Seriously???

This episode raises 2 very important questions: 1. How much money must your scummy soc have to be able to give out champers at an event like that?

2. Do you have any (money or champers - we’re not picky) left over for The Cheese Grater committee social next week?

I guess this shows they must be good at teaching members something other than corruption and harassment.

Women’s Wrongs, The Cheese Grater’s beloved blue-haired SJW child, made an unexpected appearance on UCLove this term, being accused of coercing drunk men to declare themselves Incels at Scala.

To be honest, anything that comes out of a drunk man’s mouth normally declares them an incel anyways. I think it’s safe to say any man who found himself saying incriminating things to a group of stunningly beautiful ladies with bloody noses has only himself to blame.

In terms of societies infested with men who don’t understand how women work, a few stand out as likely contenders: Furry society, Anime Society, Pokemon society.

And now it turns out the Pokemon society is proving my suspicions correct; it really is a hive of creepy nerds.

19 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater The miserable temp I employ to sift through the UCLove filth has found that Pokesoc men are apparently making women feel so uncomfortable that they’re leaving the society.

Whether this discomfort is due to harassment or their lack of deodorant remains to be seen (Pokemon Go to the shower).

But what is known, however, is that the committee dont seem to give a shit!

Victim blaming, deleting responses to creepy discord comments - they’re gonna catch ‘em all!

Political news now, and who could have predicted this one?

Tory soc (whose website is currently available for purchase) who says something racist and invites a guest speaker receivesbacklash for doing so, wow!

What other society could have done that?!

But then, I suppose, what were they expecting when they invited David Starkey into their Schoeffel-clad boy’s club.

There doesn’t seem to be much remorse from the Tories on this one either, with their instagram proclaiming Starkey to be:

“one of the best speakers [they] have had the honour (of) host(ing)” [sic].

Poor, but expected, form.

Now, as the most important outlet of campus gossip, I have to address the ‘Red Elephant’ in the room.

I know Marxist soc’s suspension is all anyone can talk about right now regarding societies but to be honest as much as I enjoy ragging onsocieties and their misadventures, it just doesn’t feel right to try to make light of human suffering and students trying to take action against it.

I also don’t want to get cancelled and as such this will be as close as I go to the topic. Unfortunately, that’s all the morsels of gossip that “fell” into my lap this time.

But, the world of Christmas debauchery awaits and this bitch is certainly excited to hear of all the festive faux pas’ committed over the season.

EFS, I don’t think even a late come back could get you onto the nice list. I pray this is the last I haveto write of you for a while.

Satire She asked if I had developed short-sightedness, to which I said no. .hat was the end of that conversation. I could tell she appreciated my thoughtfulness.

When we stepped up to the front door, my mother received us with a deafening scream and she subsequently suffered a major panic attack.

She fell onto her knees and grew hysterical, begging me to cut ties with my dear Velma. She kept going on about how God made us who we are, and how wearing glasses was an offence that would drag us straight to hell.

AITA for rebelling against my family and faith by dating a short-sighted The last thing she said before she slammed the door on us haunted me for girl? days.

Euan Toh

“When doomsday comes, you won’t see it coming”.

I (21M) am rebelling against my quasi-religious middle-class family by dating a girl who just so happens to be myopic (short-sighted).

Needless to say, we ate Burger King that night.

I first met Velma when she and the Mystery Inc. gang visited my university to investigate why the ghost of Jeremy Bentham kept appearing to frighten staff members into submission right before a major UCU strike (It was the provost all along!).

When she lost her specs in a hallway chase scene, and crawled along the floor shouting for them, I found them and returned them to her. She placed them back on, and we finally locked eyes with 20/20 vision.

It was love at first sight.

Previously, Velma and I didn’t feel it was necessary to talk about her short-sightedness. However, after that incident, I told Velma that I would feel more comfortable if we could meet and have an honest one-way discussion on my feelings about having a spectacled girlfriend. So we sat in a cafe, sipped on our mochas, and I did all the talking.

It was so reassuring to have a short-sighted individual like Velma nod politely while I tested myself on my knowledge of near-sightedness with her. Her lack of interruptions proved that nothing in my speech and way of thinking had made her uncomfortable. At that moment, I felt so proud of our relationship; it was as if we made proper progress through conversation and learning more from each other.

We had a few dates before Velma asked if she could meet my parents, which gave me a nervous sweat. Velma was the type of girl my mother had always warned me about. She despises myopic people, calling Yet deep down, I sense my mother has a them freaks of nature that went against point. The world is not ready to accept God’s will. alternative lifestyles like short-sightedness.

“Short-sightedness is a state of mind”, she would always mutter at family I feel sorry for Velma as I know she had dinner.

a difficult upbringing, but at the same time, I can’t keep feeling sorry for her.

Just because she was born with poor vision doesn’t mean I have to reduce myself to sin, wandering blind as a bat with my back turned to God.

I vividly remember my mother calling for schools to ban Harry Potter books because they promoted visual impairment in children. In her words, they make myopia seem like a special trait to be picked up by younger generations, taking away from ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ can’t be the time we could spend developing “real” my mantra. character through deadlifts and Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Nowadays, I reflect on this verse from the New Testament…

That said, I was fortunate to grow up knowing that there are so many more Whether he be a sinner or no, I layers to people beyond their surface know not: one thing I know, that, appearances and traits. That is why, whereas I was blind, now I see. before I introduced Velma to my mother, I -John IX, 24-26 KJV bought myself a pair of £49 black squareframed glasses to show solidarity with my Am I the asshole for feeling this way? short-sighted sweetheart.

Should I go back to bible studies with my family?

Satire

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 20

This was posted to r/CheeseGraterMagazine on the 31st of February 2023 by u/TessMeerson

Fine, Fresh, and Full of Flu - The Diary of a Social Virus Malvika Murkumbi

Dear Diary, This year’s crop moved in today! They’re all nervously smiling at each other and swapping Instagrams having the Hi-nice-to-meet-you-what-are-you-studying-oh-that’s-so-cool-where-are-you-from conversation, and they have that sparkle in their eyes that you only have when you can breathe through both of your nostrils. Enjoy it while it lasts, my babies.

God, I’ve been waiting for this week for aeons. Clubs filled to the brim with those little idiots, and even more crowded induction sessions. Oh, the induction sessions. Picturing them packed in those stuffy little lecture theatres like sardines makes me want to giggle, kick my feet, and let out an intense cathartic scream.

But of course, as always, my beloved mindless children will be the ones doing the most screaming. It was magical last year at Ministry. It felt like I was floating. Literally, I was floating through the air in their little spit particles from when they were screaming along to the (entirely anticlimactic) beat drops. It better be that good this year, or I won’t know what to do with myself.

Of course, I have to wait for this meticulous process to run its course properly. The meaningful work I do with these imbeciles is an exact science with a tried-and-true chronology.

Stage 1: They’re socialising, having the same inane conversation over and over and over again, inhaling and exhaling without a care in the world.

Stage 2: They feel a little tingle, a little scratch in the back of their throats. They ignore it. Naive fools.

Stage 3: They ask themselves “is freshers’ flu a real thing?” Every year they’re convinced they’ve escaped me.

And finally, Stage 4: They’re coughing and sneezing and groaning and secreting phlegm like pus from an oozy spot the very next day.

It always takes a while, so I must remain patient… but I’m already giddy at the thought of Stage 4. Watching them be all queasy, coughing, sneezing and spewing infected lava … Oh Diary, it’s like Christmas for gals like me.

In contagious love, Fresherie Flu

21 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater

Satire

How to be a UCL Medical Student Altay Shaw

So, you’re studying medicine at UCL. Now that your parents are bragging to your extended family that you are intellectually superior to everyone else, it is time to act like it.

Unfortunately for those of you who like to cope with the stress of the degree in an alternative fashion, RUMS doesn’t have a drinking society, only in an ideal world will RUMS come to fruition.

To help you get started, Altay Shaw, The Cheese Grater’s sole medic, has provided some of top tips for surviving your time as a medical student at UCL:

Not joining a RUMS society means you can’t get your hands on that sweet, itchy, RUMS merch (which is far superior to the basic ‘Team UCL’ garms).

N.B. This piece also doubles up as an introduction to life as a medic for the intellectually inferior (i.e. humanities students)

Without a full RUMS tracksuit how else are you going to show the non-medical world that you are truly a medical student, and thus a superior specimen. On the topic of superiority, bonus points if you only turn up to RUMS stuff to grab merch and rag on the normal (inferior) UCL societies.

1. Accept you are here because Oxford or Cambridge rejected you.

It is about time you do so. The row of people you are sitting in probably has around 10 rejects from the interview process at either university. As such, constantly brag (to those not at UCL) that you are now at the 6th best Medical School in the world, but never answer the age-old question of which ones are above UCL.

2. Join the RUMS version of anything.

Interested in football? You have RUMS Football. Comedy? RUMS MD. Mental health? RUMS Welfare.

3. Make your own Anki decks.

Are you really torturing yourself enough without making your own Anki decks?

For those of you who do humanities, and thus have no impetus to study whatsoever, Anki is an online flashcard programme used (and abused) by medics and STEM students alike. Sure, the ones on Treasure Trove are fine and all, but, how are you going to complain to your non-medic friends about your workload

unless you make them yourself? Falling behind on lectures is fine as long as you have the 100 cards on homeostasis nailed down.

4. Look up property prices in Melbourne.

You were probably thinking of going there anyway. No point in hiding it anymore, a lot of your colleagues are probably thinking about doing the same.

Start perfecting the Aussie accent and calling all of your female colleagues Sheilas and asking them whether they are down for a “barbie this avro”. Also, whilst it may irk almost every moral fibre in your body, start drinking Fosters (I’ve heard it helps with the accent).

5. Start a social media page.

Stress-out a whole new generation of medical school applicants by uploading your totally realistic, honest and truthful ‘day in your life’ to TikTok; a day which includes 25 lectures, 5 labs, a 10km run and a self-cooked michelin star breakfast all before noon (the time when humanities students usually wake up).

Graphic by Tess Meerson

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 22

Satire

Progressive Policy Suggestions for Keir Starmer Seth Harris and Nick Miao

People often say that Keir Starmer doesn’t believe in anything as if that’s a bad thing.

What they don’t realise is that this means he will probably do anything if a private rightwing think tank tells him it’s a good idea.

So, we at The Cheese Grater have started our very own rightwing Think Tank (The Pi Media Think Tank) and compiled a number of progressive policy suggestions for Sir Keir.

Economic Justice: Levelling Down the South We argue that levelling down the South is far more economically viable for Britain. The Tories can dump a billion pounds in the North and Andy Burnham will just open another string of Greggs on their crusty high streets.

Our analysis found that it is a lot cheaper to carpet bomb the Elizabeth Line than to extend HS2. And let’s be real for a second here: the South is overrated anyway - who the fuck likes Essex?

Climate Justice: Invest in Sustainable Energy to Tackle Illegal Immigration

Cost-of-living: Bank of England to accept internal organs as legal tender

Labour can solve the climate crisis and the small boats crisis at the same time whilst having a bit of fun. Introducing a new season of Total Wipeout, in which contestants on small boats must make their way through a hard border of offshore wind turbines (the turbines will be lowered for increased difficulty) across the English Channel. The winner of the series will be granted entry to the UK.

To solve the cost-of-living crisis without committing any more public spending, Labour should look at what kind of resources the people already have in abundance: internal organs.

International Development: Lord Blair of Baghdad Rishi Sunak has raised the stakes by bringing everyone’s favourite referendum addict back to frontline politics and Labour must rise to the challenge. When the Tories go low, we must go lower.

Who is more fitting to hold David Cameron to account on the UK’s reputation abroad at the dispatch box than the Destroyer of Iraq himself, Sir Tony Blair.

The Lord gave us two kidneys and regenerative livers for a purpose, and a fiscally responsible government must meet these demands by making the Bank of England accept internal organs as legal tender (England and Wales only.

The Scottish can suffer for all we care until they stop electing the SNP).

Steal another Tory Party policy The Tories might get shredded in the next general election, but that doesn’t mean their policies should go to waste.

Keir Starmer has already stolen a great chunk of his policies from the Tories’ 2019 manifesto already, so the next logical step would be to go dumpster diving outside CCHQ to see what else he could find.

Kier Starmer ... A Day in The Life Ben Scanlan

Hello everyone, or should I say ‘Oi Oi guvnah!’, My name is Keith Starmer, I’m a normal, ordinary bloke (just like you!) who happens to be leader of the Labour Party. I’ve been having a bit of an image problem recently… the words used were ‘Gelatinous’, ‘Boring’, and ‘Off-Putting’, so I was instructed by ‘me missus’ to write this ‘day in my life’ to show the ordinary hard working bloke families of the great United Kingdom just how ordinary and normal I truly am.

6AM Woke up this morning ready for a new day of grafting down the site.

Of course, by ‘grafting’ I mean fighting for the normal, ordinary, hard working families of the great United Kingdom… oh, and by ‘site’ I of course mean my offices in Westminster.

Had a normal, hardworking breakfast consisting of a bowl of bacon grease and a pint of Stella.

Bosh.` 7.10-7.12AM Quick tug in the shower to a picture of Baroness Thatcher. She was a great woman who knew exactly what ordinary, hard-working normal great British families needed (that being a reduction in living standards).

Bosh.

Graphic by Lucy Reade

8AM Popped into a ‘super-market’ on my way to work to meet some real hard-working blokes and hard-working normal, ordinary, Great British hard-working families. It’s always so nice meeting real, genuine, ordinary, normal working-class people.

23 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater The supermarket was called ‘Waitrose’ and I made a hilarious joke about how under Tory rule, people were having to ‘Wait in rows’ to see their GP! Even for simple things like a viagra prescription! (or so I’ve heard).

Bosh.

10AM Went to Costa Coffee to meet some of the ordinary, regular, normal hard working family men of this great United Kingdom. The blue haired barista (probably under the employ of a certain Jemmy Corbyn no less!) took 5 minutes to prepare my cappuccino!

I was so angry that I had to steal £3.40 from the tip jar to calm me down, however, as the Great British poet Jeremy Clarkson once said: ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’. My Costa crisis has helped me develop a new sensible centre-left policy that will win back Middle England to the Labour party… it’s called ‘Bung a Bob to help Brave Brits kill the woke with hammers!’

Bosh.

Satire 11PM Ubered home. Reported my driver to the home office because he had a bit of an accent I think. Fell asleep on the front doorstep. I truly was exhausted after a long day fighting tirelessly for the ordinary, normal, sensible, centre-left (far-right), regular, hard-working families and blokes of our sweet, tender, great United Kingdom of Britain and England…

Your friend, Keith Starmer, MP. (leader of labour party. (NORMAL MAN))

DKA Dream Catrin Jones

In the midst of OSCE* season, (and perhaps that was the reason) I slept to a dream of DKA**, Envisioning my heroic slay, Or the cool management of it anyway.

*Objective structured clinical examination ** Diabetic Ketoacidosis

I roamed the ward with a light step, Whilst groaning, dosed-up patients slept, Alone I skipped between blue sheets, Unconscious of their poppied sleep.

12PM Lunch time! My wife had packed me a ham sandwich, but I didn’t want it, so I took it to a foodbank, and taunted the people there with it. Then I fed it to a seagull. Afterwards, I went to spoons and had a normal, ordinary, proper, Great British lunch of 14 fried eggs on toast and washed it down with 8 pints of Carling!

Bosh.

Then as I turned about my bed, I heard a voice cry out ‘My head!’

And there upon the moss strewn ceiling, Crawled a patient with unsteady breathing.

1.41-1.42PM Had a cheeky wank to her late royal vajesty the queen…

She did so much for our country. RIP ma’am, I hope you’re enjoying those marmalade sandwiches in heaven with Paddington (he’s dead as well).

Bosh.

‘What on earth! Who is this, That interrupts my dream of bliss?’ ‘’Tis I!’ The Diabetic cried, His sweet smelling breath filled my mind, It seduced me, and so resolving his distress, Quickly became my evening’s quest.

2PM-5PM Time for five-a-side footy! I love playing five-a-side footy like a normal, ordinary bloke. I take it very very seriously.

I have been known to do the famous, sensible, centre-left act of screaming at my teammates. Unfortunately my team lost, and as a result I pummelled the shit out of the ref with a brick whilst crying like a baby...

Bosh.

‘I could drink and drink and drink a lake!’

The poor man cried with a slight shake, Therein his cry of thirst took root, And off I skipped, his thirst to boot!

6PM Dinner time, while I watched some telly! Had a lovely roast today, just like many other hard-working great British sensible centre-left normal ordinary families did. I love television, especially television programmes. My favourite tv shows are probably dramas/soaps/comedies/gameshows/ reality/shows-about-houses/news/documentaries (delete as applicable).

Bosh.

7PM-10PM Went to the pub with some hard working, sensible, normal, ordinary, hard-working families. We chatted about last nights ‘Big Game’. If you’re wondering what my favourite team is, it’s coincidentally the same as yours! I was happy/ sad (delete as applicable) about the fact that our team won/ lost (delete as applicable). Come on you (insert club nickname here)!

I drank 17 pints of Stella, and then I went and helped a homeless man by telling him to get a job. When he asked me for a job I told him ‘Corbyn left in 2019 buster! We don’t hire homeless people’... there’s no helping some people.

Bosh.

On my return, quite suddenly, An outstretched arm arrested me, This arm belonged to a Consultant-Jinn, Who slithered out from within A lamp and said: ‘What on earth! Who is this, That interrupts my dream of bliss?!’

A little nervous, I puffed my c hest, And struck out to defend my quest, ‘I’ve just returned sir, from the shops, To buy this man a bottle of pop.’

At this, the consultant shook his head, And steadied himself against the bed, He shouted, furrowing his brow, ‘No no no! You stupid cow!

You think yourself a renegade, In offering him this Lucozade?!

Whilst I’ve been in my lamp snoring, His ketone levels have been soaring!’

I fell to my knees and begged him ‘Please, Sir tell me how to manage diabetes!’

The dream world tilted and was fast fading, My patient lover, deteriorating, But with a final flurry, the Consultant-Jinn Cried ‘Insulin! Insulin! Insulin!’

Satire

The Cheese Grater Winter Issue 2023 24

Heartbreaking: The Voices In Your Head Just Made A Really Good Point Nick Miao

In a heartbreaking series of events, the voices in your head have made a really good point, The Cheese Grater can report.

The tragedy began when you decided that things were finally going well and that this was ‘going to work out perfectly’. You claimed that things had ‘never been better’. Sure, there’d been a few mishaps along the way, but you said that this was going to be ‘different’ and should not be compared with previous experiences.

Unfortunately, your voices had learnt the ways of Ben Shapiro. They told you that you ‘did not have a shred of evidence supporting your claims’ and that this all appeared to be little more than yet another case of ‘Delusion’ [sic].

You were shocked by the allegations levelled against you. In particular, it was reported that you cried like a liberal at the use of the D-word (D*lusion), which ‘should not be used lightly’. You reiterated that things are ‘different’ now, raising a number of examples that supported your case, but your voices quickly dismissed them as ‘circumstantial’ and ‘hearsay’.

Pushed into a corner, you employed a classic manoeuvre that academics refer to as ‘shutting the voices out’. It was a good move that bought you some time, but even you had to admit: the voices just made a really good point.

The Venture to The Void (A Tale of Astor College) Keziah Cho

On Charlotte Street one finds two households, both alike in dignity. Or at least that’s what UCL accommodation would have you believe. In fair Fitzrovia where we lay our scene, one hall reigns supreme, and it’s mine: Astor College.

But look across from our hallowed door, and yonder lies the opposite existential plane: Ramsay.

As a proud Astorian, one question haunts me every night as I slice tofu in a kitchen with more open space than my seminar room: how do the Ramsayers live? The conditions of their habitat are an enigma.

Every evening I mentally salute the Domino’s guy standing outside the gates and the pyjama-clad girl trudging out to meet him—both illuminated by the dystopian white light emanating from within. I ache to investigate, but the world within is off-limits. The turnstile bars all outsiders from the hall. Or are the hall-dwellers imprisoned within, too dangerous to be let loose?

Ramsay is shrouded in a thick cloud of mystery, and the turnstile stands guard, as impassive as a lump of steel can be.

I’m on the point of calculating how high a jump would be required to hurl myself over the gates one afternoon when my friend Kylie invites me over. This is a pleasant surprise.

I haven’t asked her about what it’s like on the inside, on the assumption that it’s bad etiquette to talk about Ramsay in front of the Ramsayers.

It’s the reverse prison break scheme of all time, because you can’t even tap in twice with your student card without tapping out first.

She taps in, spins her way through the turnstile, taps out, then passes her card to me through the metal bars of the gate.

I take the card. It feels heavy in my hands. This watertight security unsettles me.

What alternate universes have they locked away in there?

Will my mind bear the weight of this newfound knowledge?

I imagine my Astorian comrades scoffing at this foolishness of mine as they recline in their velvet armchairs. But no, it’s too late. I tap in; the turnstile is deceived.

In a flurry of old steel, I find myself in forbidden territory.

There’s a massive sign with arrows pointing to Rome, Paris, London, and New York—which, I am told, correspond to the four blocks surrounding us.

I search in vain for an Oslo, or a Tbilisi, or even a token Ottawa. We push open the doors to Rome, where Kylie lives. At the foot of the stairs, lying at a 45-degree angle, is a toilet sink.

Upstairs, there’s a distinctly Roman architectural style (symmetry; all the doors are the same aggressive shade of blue), yet a distinctly less Roman aroma of strawberry vape, weed, and burnt-out gymbro soon envelopes us.

I, however, am distracted mulling over what the inclusion of the fallen toilet sink could possibly mean. Avant-garde decor?

An artistic lament for the fall of proper bathroom hygiene?

Kylie interrupts my thoughts by ushering me into the kitchen.

But something is deeply wrong. Where are the marble-topped kitchen islands, the high wooden chairs, the infinite shelf space? Ignoring my questions, Kylie plonks a solid brick of butter and a single bagel on the countertop. Resting in the drawer is a single teaspoon, which she draws out and stabs into the side of the bagel with the vehemence of Brutus disembowelling Caesar.

Having mangled the bread to her satisfaction, she uses the same spoon to whittle away at the butter. I watch as curved slivers of butter fall from the block, onto the untoasted bagel half. The hole of the bagel stares back at me. In the back of my mind, a core memory forms.

Lunch à la Ramsay being over, Kylie says she’ll take me to the common room.

We go past the endless rows of blue doors and the sink of the Roman baths.

I think this must be it, but she continues leading me down into a network of empty underground paths.

If the Ramsay common room exists, it’s not somewhere even a disembodied piece of bathroom apparatus would venture. I turn back towards what must be the way we came in.

I look to escape, but it’s too late. Kylie urges us on.

Left, right, sideways, at a 45-degree angle; all the paths look the same.

There is no escape.

Outside, once again, someone has failed to enter; the buzzer’s alertly descending melody reverberates.

I, too, am descending.

25 Winter Issue 2023 The Cheese Grater

Satire

Graphic by Tess Meerson But where?

What else exists but these labyrinths of Parisian greige and New York cyan?

I remember a coursemate calling Astor liminal.

Too late, I only now realise where the True Liminal Space of UCL accommodation is.

In the hole of the untoasted bagel.

In the constant rotation of the turnstile.

In the vortex of swirling clothes, clunking away in the Circuit machines.

Something in me short-circuits.

I have discovered, at last, the void.

UCL Cheese Grater Magazine Society President - Zhenya Robinson Editors-in-Chief - Robert Delaney and Mads Brown Investigations Editor - Rebekah Wright Humour Editor - Izzie Moull Online Editor - Hia Sadho

president@cheesegratermagazine.org editor@cheesegratermagazine.org investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org humour@cheesegratermagazine.org online@cheesegratermagazine.org

Students’ Union UCL, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. Views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Students’ Union or the editors.