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By Daniel Jones
Marriage, an Owner’s Manual As another wedding season draws to a close, here’s what I’ve learned about making those “I dos” last When you become a mom or dad, take a break like your parents did. Remember how your
my wife, Cathi, and I had a knockdown, “How can we possibly last?” argument—on our honeymoon. We were in an antique store in Maine, where we had decided to buy some beautiful glass marbles. I thought we should get a variety of colors; Cathi said they should all be the same. The intense, inane disagreement we had roused all of our worst fears: If we couldn’t even make a decision about marble colors, how could we negotiate marriage? Two decades after our big fight, Cathi and I are still married, and more solidly than ever, with two children. But I’ve heard about too many marriages that were ended too easily and impulsively, both among our acquaintances and through my job as editor of Modern Love, a New York Times column about 21stcentury dating and mating. Whether you’ve said “I do” this summer or did so years ago, here’s my best advice on staying together.
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Acknowledge that you each are responsible for your own happiness. This point was best
illustrated to me by a writer whose husband was in a slump and decided he wanted a divorce, saying he no longer loved her. Her response? “I don’t buy it.” Then she went about trying to find fulfillment for herself and her kids without him until he
folks went off on vacation, leaving your older sister in charge of heating up the TV dinners while they lounged by the pool in Miami? Boy, weren’t those TV dinners good, and so was the time away for your mother and father’s marriage. Your children will survive, and they’ll have fun stuffing each other in the laundry hamper in the meantime. Find your own private Miami and book a trip for two.
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Even if you’re considering divorce, delay making a final decision—and keep delaying. In
came around. She recognized that it’s human nature to blame others when your life is in a ditch, and that his unhappiness was his problem to solve.
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Nix the Facebook fantasy.
Pre-Internet, you had to be resourceful to flirt or fling with an old sweetheart. But these days, we have Facebook: a world of bored people trolling for ex-flames. If you’ve been checking out the profile of Mr. or Ms. Perfect and dreaming about the nirvana you two could share, project into the future—to the messy divorce and ruptured lives, and to the chal-
a landmark report, University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite found that two-thirds of spouses who were “unhappy” in their marlenges of a new relationship that riages but chose not to divorce will have its own agonizing marble considered themselves “happy” five years later. Our circumstances are fights. Is it really worth it? constantly shifting in ways we can’t Rely on your friends when foresee. Your evil boss quits. The the going gets tough. In trouobject of your illicit desire becomes bled times, other couples can be irritating. Children grow up and the glue of your marriage. Sharing then appear one day in the yard the pain of your relationship with with a rake asking, “Can I help?” them may be the hardGive your relaest thing you’ll ever do. tionship a chance. But asking them to And give it time. help you through it as With patience and What one piece of advice would you a pair—instead of havwork and love, a give to newlyweds ing them pick up the lasting marriage— about creating a solid marriage? Tell pieces later—may also and years of leafus at Parade.com be the wisest thing raking assistance— /marriage. you’ll ever do. is achievable.
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ILLUSTRATION: MATTHEW HOLLISTER
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wenty years ago,
14 • July 22, 2012
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