thesnore.blogspot.com October 2011
@The_Snore
Volume 1 Issue 2.5
Typical UNA: Jared Lorenzen misses field goal in OT
Photo by Matt McKean for the Times Daily we hope he doesn’t sue us
(above)New UNA kicker, Jared Lorenzen, and teammate hide from the media after screwing UNA. -Bro. Jack Nicholzen (formerly Steven Zeagall) On the eve of UNA’s GothOut the Statesmen, former Kentucky heavyweight quarterback turned UNA kicker lined up to kick what was the biggest kick of his kicking career. The Lions were set to kick a 27-yard field goal to go up three points in overtime. Lorenzen shanked the kick. The players collectively gasped for air before the administration and fans took a giant s*it storm. It was a typical UNA outing. Plan a big event, get fans involved,
then let Terry Bowden play call you out of victory. However, that’s not what Bowden was focused on after the game. “Jared should’ve made that kick,” he said. “He’s been practicing for at least two weeks.” UNA fans’ minds are boggled by the fact that Lorenzen was added as a kicker just a few weeks ago. He was a standout at Kentucky as a quarterback, and when it was announced that he would come in as a kicker, mass pandemonium erupted. The Snore turned to UNA Athletics
Player Gifts and Bribes Manager Benjamin Rodderick for answers. “Bowden has made it a well known trend that he’s bringing in athletes from Divison I to play for the Lions,” Rodderick said. “We just didn’t understand why he chose to bring in Lorenzen. He’s old, washed up, and fat. He’s never played kicker before. We get it, thugs are good at football, but, if you’re bringing in Division I players, why get a kicker that’s never played the position?” The Snore is just as baffled as everyone else.
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Special
Page 2
Exclusive: Bowden supports troubled transfers
Bro. Jack Nicholzen Galactic crime lord, and now UNA head football coach Terry Bowden, is okay with the actions of HIS players. In the recent #1 v.s. #2 slugfest, UNA managed two unsportsmanlike conduct flags and another personal foul penalty in the opening half. Then, in the fourth quarter, UNA lost key defensive player who was ejected after unsportsmanlike conduct. Wanda Maline, of the Florence Mothers Against Division-I Delinquents (MADD), was infuriated. “We’re bringing in these guys that are dangerous in our community, and their behavior on the field only proves that,” she said. “We’re giving them ‘second chances’? Well ‘lol’ at that.” Maline believes that her point is far reaching. Fans agreed, the Lions weren’t the same without the defensive standout, as it looked like UNA was playing some messed up game of “fish the razorblade out of your butthole” out of Saw 7: The Lost Story. They were obviously ripped a new one. “I stand by my men,” said JabbaBow, Terry Bowden’s alter ego. “I’ve given them life anew. I don’t’ care if they go to class. I don’t care if they screw over their teammates. I don’t even care if they lie, cheat, steal, or commit costly penalties that could alter the outcome of the game. I am standing
by them. It’s all about meeeeee! Muahahahahaha!!!” One player, who asked to remain anonymous, wasn’t happy about the transfer players’ actions. “Hey, these guys have come here to help us win,” he said. “It’s frustrating that they’re the ones that caused us to lose. Also, our coach that’s getting paid ‘100,000’ a year to coach us, nobody believes that. He’s expecting to get a Division I job. I guess he thinks this is some little hole-in-the-wall stop until he catches his big break? The only thing he’s catching is a whole lotta hell for not winning. He hasn’t proven himself. Period.” The Snore would like to say, “Well spoken anonymous player, and sorry for all the quotes within a quote.”
Jenkins honored as unlockable character in Punchout UNA transfer Jenkins was recently honored as an unlockable character in Mike Tyson’s Punchout, released as a downloadable extra on Playstation Network and XBOX Live. His character wears a UNA jersey and features two unique moves, Punch and Punch Harder. For an additional $1.99, you can purchase a feature that allows the special attack move, Screw the Defense/ EJECTION!. The player was unavailable for comment.