September 2011
@The_Snore
Volume 2 Issue 4
DIVISION
F*OR-*LA STAFF MEMBER RAVES VIA TWITTER: “THE SNORE HAS MOVED UP FROM OUR REDHEADED STEPCHILD. THEY’RE NOW THE DECENT BLONDE ONE THAT YOUR BEST FRIEND MIGHT ACTUALLY PROCREATE WITH.”
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Advice
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Our tips for moving into your first dorm room
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Make sure to mark your territory in your dorm room. Howl as you urinate on your stuff. It might even help to occasionally growl at your roommate.
Let your roommate know that you have mace and are not afraid to use it.
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Ask your RA, “Where is the best place to hide my beer?” It’s a fact that RAs can be bribed. If you offer to buy them alcohol, you will pass every room inspection.
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Dress like Lady Gaga, and speak with a lisp. If your roommate is acting in the same manner, then refer to TIP #2.
Talk to yourself so your roommate believes you’re crazy. Or, if you prefer, keep altering your personality; there is nothing scarier than someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
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Biblical
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Second of “Vision” manuscripts translated In our innaugural issue, The Snore told you about a rare occurance. It was the first interesting thing to happen in Waterloo since the inception of “lynching” and “witch hunts”. A few missing scrolls from “UNA Athletics Vision” were discovered. It has taken us
1 In the beginning were the Bowdenites, and the Bowdenites were with college football, and the Bowdenites were college football. 2 The youngest was with college football in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were won; without him nothing was won that had been won. 4 In him were championships and those championships were the light of the northern land. 6 The Florentians selected a man, Materius Linderius by name, to select the next great prophet. 7 After thirteen days of fasting, Linderius was shown the way with which to set ablaze the victory pyre, which was enveloped in darkness and had not been lit for some time. 8 He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. 9 He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. 10 Linderius gave great testimony of the light and the Florentians succumbed; yet, the light would not yet have them. 11 The son, being a man of greed, sought his own, but his own receiveth him not. 12 He was filled with a measure of
several months to translate, as most of it is written in Bowden’s newspeak reminiscent of that from “1984,” but we are proud to present the latest offering to the students of UNA. It is a common practice to bring the things you want to your level. If it cannot be achieved
craftiness unforeseen by others. 13 Being that he deceived the people of The Plains and “Moses”ed the Samfordians from their native land to the Promised Land, he was a proven cunning linguist. 14 As a man short in stature, he was accustomed to not reaching what was before him, so he brought his own to himself. 15 And it came to pass, the son performed many signs and miracles within the very year. 16 As it is written on the tablets, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any of thy neighbor’s rings of success,” so he wonneth his own. 17 Although, he performed many miraculous signs, the father was displeased. 18 The son did not give him the glory, so the radiance of the father was removed from him. 19 When the people saw that the son was so long in coming down from Mount Braly with a national championship and only through repute of the father that they did receiveth a bid into the playoffs and 20 Upon suffering a great defeat to the Delta-
alone by thievery, lying, conniving ways, so you must simply bring the treasure you seek to your front doorstep. That, students, is the seeds we pray you’ll sow from this particular Vision Parable.
tians, they gathered around Linderius and said, 21 “Come, hire us a coach who will go before us and restore the glory of the kingdom. As for this fellow who brought us a conference title, we do not know what has happened to him. He is no longer of the light; instead, he consorts with concubines and porcupines.” 22 For the father was no longer with the son. 23 But Linderius was a man of great mercy, so he was given one more year to demonstrate his prowess. 24 Then the father spake, “The prophets are prophesying lies in my name. I have not sent them nor appointed them nor spoken to them. 25 They are prophesying to you false visions, divisions, idolatries, and the delusions of their own minds.” 26 So the prophesy of Brother Zeverus Snape has come to pass, “Beware of false prophets. They come to you basking in valor and victory, but bring only failed dreams and the taste of disdain.” 27 Beware children; the end is nigh. - As translated by Bro. Zigmund Freud & Zeverus Snape
We may not have seven trumpets, but we figured we’d give you a warning anyway. Return after recruitment to fully understand:
Didn’t get the sorority you wanted? Get dropped by every sorority? Don’t worry, Jesus accepts
ALL of God’s children.
Rush Alpha Delta Chi and become a baby lamb. Strategically holding recruitment after Panhellenic sororities since 2006.
D-1
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Wine me dine me, nickel and dime me: UNA raises tuition costs, jumps to D-1 - Bro. Zigmund Freud At the Board of Trustees quarterly June meeting, they unanimously approved a tuition hike of 10.3 percent for the upcoming academic year. As Trustee Steve Pierce made the motion to vote, former Sheffield mayor and Trustee Billy Don Anderson, being so enamored with the possibility of the University transferring to Division 1, stood up and bellowed, “Second!” before anyone else even had a chance to blink. His excitement of D-1 began with him jumping out of his chair and ended with him apologizing for the slight bulge in his pants. “I swear it’s the pleats,” he stammered. Details are still developing on whether he actually voted in favor of the tuition
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increase because he thought it was the D-1 topic that he had anxiously been awaiting. Steve Pierce, the board president pro tem, believes the students will understand the tuition increase. “The simple truth is that we can’t operate a school without money,” said Pierce. “Students should have realized by now that we are going to raise tuition every year. Why wouldn’t we?” Officials do not believe the continual tuition hikes will deter the enrollment of students at the University. When asked how he believes the students will react to the increase in tuition price, Trustee Ronnie Flippo responded, “Honestly, I would love to tell the students that they are important, but the truth is, they
Below are Trustee Graves’ calculations:
VISION CHART Flowers– In order for us to continually be awarded the ‘Beautification Award’, we must increase the number of flowers on campus. With over $1 million spent annually on flowers, it doesn’t make sense for us to decrease or maintain the current level of flowers on campus (increase of 4%).
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aren’t. I learned a thing or two as a U.S. Congressman about raising taxes and not listening to your constituents. It has really come in handy as a board member.” Trustee James Baskett followed up by asking, “What students?” The Board came to the conclusion that the University relies more heavily on money than on students, and the entirety agreeing that no spending could be cut… ever. Trustee Muley Graves even went as far to argue that the students were actually getting a deal. “According to my calculations, tuition is actually supposed to increase by 15 percent,” claimed Trustee Graves.
Blessings of the gods – We must continue to appease the gods with sacrifices and burnt offerings. Don’t believe in higher beings? How else would you explain the fact that we were given a chance to compete in last year’s Division 2 football playoffs? Maybe this Terry Bowden guy wasn’t the best hire (increase 2.5%).
in conclusion:
D-1 Transfer Bail Bond Payments – With Division 1 looming in the distance, we need more ex-Division 1 players. Of course, we can’t get real superstars…they go to real D-1 schools. However, we can get the rejects and thugs. I really wish that Cam Newton would have gotten into trouble last year. We could’ve used him… Hey, winning comes at a price (increase 7%).
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Game Room – What the hell? We replaced an academic center with a game room?! Well, now that we have it, might as well fund it. Didn’t realize you had a game room or that you will be paying for it, no matter if you use it or not? Surprise, students! Throw a few back between class and go try your hand at ping pong (increase 1.5%).
So in short, quit whining about high tuition prices, UNA students! We are getting a deal here, and if you don’t shut your mouths, then they might just take it out on us and increase tuition even more than they already have.
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Greek Life
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The GDI Field Guide: How to frategically survive your very first campus encounter Alpha Tau Omega:
Ironic? We thought so.
How to Identify – Generally recognizable by a confused effort at being fratty. Characteristic of these individuals is the tendency to wear Chaps shorts above the knee coupled with a sorority girl’s shirt, if she is careless enough to give them one. Natural Habitat – Definitely not their fraternity house. These gentlemen can always be found singing in the church choir on Sunday mornings with a beer in their hand that afternoon. Ways to Prevent Attack – Relax, breathe, and smile. Then pull out your lighter and blaze that joint in your back pocket. “Sorry boys, substance free house for us.”
Delta Chi:
Inciting erections in Delta Chi’s since 2001.
How to identify – Some of the more indistinguishable frat guys as they blend in perfectly with GDIs everywhere. Basically look for the “triangle ex” t-shirt and jean shorts that even Hulk Hogan refuses to wear anymore. Natural Habitat – Do we have any World of Warcraft arenas in the area? Ways to Prevent Attack – Deploy your level 70 Warlock to fend off their level 50 Shaman. If all else fails, just claim that Magic the Gathering is so 2002.
Kappa Sigma:
Touchy subject: don’t mention this guy.
How to identify – Check for the flannel shirts and “s***-kickers.” Occasional PFG attire may be spotted. Also, keep an ear open for David Allen Coe/Garth Brooks coming from a truck covered in Southern Proper stickers; the tell-tale signs of Kappa Sig country. Natural Habitat – “Hell, give me a Natty and play some Buffett and I’ll make a party out of a nursing home.” Kappa Sigs can often be seen partying, and unseen when they go duck huntin’. Ways to Prevent Attack – Talk with a lisp and bend your wrist into a limp claw. You’ll be fine.
Phi Gamma Delta (fiji):
Please, don’t.
How to identify – PFG runs rampant in these parts. Bama bangs flow in the breeze, and coozies are always hiding a drink from prying eyes of Facebook parents. Sperrys are always present, and some even reach the epitome of frattiness: Crocs. Natural habitat – The one (and only) thing the Fijis have to be proud of is their house, in which they constantly party, maintaining the “dry” rules implemented by their national headquarters. Ways to Prevent Attack – Mention that you have ambition. That oughta do the trick.
Pi Kappa Alpha:
Fleeing from class.
How to Identify – Look for Neanderthal-esque individuals walking around in Abercrombie muscle shirts. Hair gel optional. Axe body spray a must. Natural Habitat – What? You saw one in the classroom? Weightlifting classes don’t count. How to Prevent Attack – Remember that time your best friend from high school gave you a protein bar to try? Remove it from your backpack, throw it as far as you can, then flee. God only knows what these guys would do if they got their hands on a potential pledge.
Sigma Alpha Epsilon:
Due to the secluded nature of the species, and the “endangered” status placed upon them by the International Fraternal Council, no Politician was able to accurately describe these elusive creatures. If any reader has ever encountered one of these fabled creatures, please write us and tell us of your misery.
Sigma Chi:
How to Identify – Be on the lookout for any frat star rocking Costas with Vineyard Vines croakies. The shorter the shorts, the better. Polo Ralph Lauren clothes are worn by every brother, even though half do not realize polo is actually a sport. (Yes, that guy on the horse does represent something.) Natural Habitat – Bent over their front porch rail, watering the vegetation with the two pints of whiskey the pledges are throwing up. It isn’t hazing until someone whines. How to Prevent Attack – Say you have friends in Delta Chi. Sherbert anyone?
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-Bro. Mel Gibzen There has been much talk this past year over the trustees decision to transition to NCAA Division I athletics. Despite the few rational arguments for and against the move, most of the comments made are nothing more than uneducated b*tching from people who have no clue what they’re talking about. For those of you living under a rock, the university Board of Trustees voted 6-3 this summer in favor of the transition from a Division II university to Division I. When this news hit in early July, people throughout the area instantly shat bricks. The way the community’s piss-o-meter skyrocketed at the decision has perplexed me for some time now; what is the big deal? We all know the Gulf South Conference is shrinking like a nut sack that’s been plied in a glass of ice water. Currently, UNA has five competing Division II uni-
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versities within a 3.5 hour radius. With twenty-one competing universities, Division I is the only logical step in maintaining an athletic program. Students and faculty opposed to the transition make it sound like a new installment of the Final Destination franchise; where Division 1 is the first step in a chain of events that ultimately lead to death. The fact of the matter is obvious. If UNA goes D1, the university and the surrounding community will not only benefit, but prosper. “It came to me in a dream,” says UNA president pro tempore, Steve Pierce. “Remember the scene from Peter Jackson’s master piece ‘The Two Towers’, when Gandalf and the Riders of Rohan peeped over the horizon with the sole purpose of running train? Well, in my dream it wasn’t Gandalf and the Riders, but the Board of Trustees and I was riding the Ghost of Leo I into the Ohio Valley
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Conference,” Pierce continues. “The next morning, I told Billy Don (Anderson) about it and his eyes widened; he had the same exact dream that night as well. That’s when we knew we had to take action. This is a gift from God and we’re here to do the Lord’s work.” With a back story like that, how can this proposal not be written by God, Himself? Still, most people are going oppose the decision either out of fear or ignorance. I have gathered a few negative comments from UNA’s Division I Facebook page to offer a rebuttal. I feel that it is my obligation to clear up any doubts about the D1 transition and the positive effects it will have on the university and surrounding area. To help me analyze these comments I’ve sent a copy of them to the Maury show to have them ran through their state of the art lie detector test. This will determine whether or not there is any truth to these claims:
Issue #1: The Student’s Voice Isn’t Heard
Wow, that was harsh; it also shows the ignorance of this particular poster. What he’s referring to is the Division I survey the university administered to students last year. A “58% majority” voted against the proposal last spring when the idea was first laid out. Based on these statistics, the trustees are super douches who really could care less about what the students think. Hell, majority rules right? Most people hone in on the “58% of students that voted” and take that as meaning 58% of the university. In reality, only 25% of students participated in the survey to begin with. A more accurate statistic would be that 75% of students don’t give a damn whether or not the university is Division I or not. To say moving forward with less than 25% of students voting no means that the university hates its students, is beyond rational.
When we ran this comment through the Maury Lie Detector Test, the lie detector test determined that it was a lie more than 19 times. ADVOCATE Continued NEXT PAGE
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Featured
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ISSUE #2: The University Just Wants Money
Not only was this statement vulgar it was totally uncalled for. It is true that the transition will cost students money ($120 a semester), but aren’t we getting what we pay for? The benefits of Division I will be plentiful. For example, just the initial talk of the expansion brought Buffalo Wild Wings and Five Guys Burgers and Fries to Florence; that’s already a better deal than what we got with Sodexho. Money is the root of all evil, the university is a more or less a saint by providing us with less money to be tempted with.
When we ran this comment through the Maury Lie Detector Test, the lie detector test determined that it was a lie more than 6 times.
ISSUE #3: Non- Athletes Are Paying For Athletes
What does this guy expect, special treatment for not liking sports? People actually believe that just because they lack interest in one of the university’s biggest revenue generators, the administration should just say, “To hell with it!” It goes back to the money issue. Students will only pay a $2 athletic fee per credit hour. That’s roughly 32 bucks and only 20 more dollars than what the athletic funding has been ($12 a semester). Steve and the other Visionaries see the big picture. All majors benefit from a Division 1 school. The more revenue the university generates, the more it is used by the departments. Division I schools generally bring in more money.
When we ran this comment through the Maury Lie Detector Test, the lie detector test determined that it was a lie more than 12 times.
Facts are facts. Even in spite of them, people will still rage over the fact that the university wants only the best for its students. In closing, I encourage the student body to give that body over to the dream, the reality that is Division I; and as Steve always said, “Hey Cale, think about the future!”
Like Mel Gibzen’s work? Would you like daily quips of wisdom? Follow The_Snore on Twitter
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Obama approves H.E.L.P. Act, mass confusion nationwide
Pictured above- H.E.L.P. Act in affect at UNA - Bro. Zeverus Snape This weak in Washington, Congress passed the Homophone Exoneration for Linguists Proposal (H.E.L.P.) almost unanimously. The House approved the measure 400-35 with the Senate following suit 89-11. President Obama signaled the approval for H.E.L.P. once returning from his vacation marathon – where he placed 3rd of nearly 30,000 participants, all belonging to the Democratic Party. Critics are haling the legislation
as President Obama’s most crucial cents taking office. President Obama stated that his mane reason for passing the bill was for the sake of the college student. “The primary explanation for this new H.E.L.P. focuses first and foremost on you, the student. I know it’s not easy when you’re in college. Depending on the nature of your professors, classes are tough, or if you write for the school paper, grammar becomes overshadowed by breaking news. I know; I’ve been there. The last thing you want
to worry about is if you used the correct word or not. However, some critics believe President Obama approved the legislation for a more personal gain. Glenn Beck, reputable radio talk show host, believes he is using the legislation too arouse the 18-24 age demographics’ voting spirit in 2012. With pole numbers steadily sinking for the President, Beck jibed, “students are constantly following the latest fad, trend, whatever. Evidently, Obama is not as hip as in 2008. After all, voting for a black man can only be the ‘it’ thing once. Thus, it only makes sense for the administration to try to appeal to younger voters.” Obama’s campaign manager, David Axelrod, even hinted that the campaign slogan might be “Fore More Years!” “I am ecstatic to be a part of history in the making,” stated the author of the bill, Representative William Jefferson. A lobbyist group calling themselves the Writers for Unfair Readership Discrimination (W.U.R.D.) has
been working closely with Jefferson in order to create equal rights for all words. “We went through a struggle, a struggle to finally be reckonnized* as equal in the eyes of ‘Mericuh*. For decades, our vocabalary* has been suffrin* because people regawded* certain words as supreme to udders†. These barriers between words are equivalent to the Jim Crowe Laws that so long plagued this mahnifisent* country,” drawled W.U.R.D. spokesperson, Giles Jones. The legislation will take place at the end of August, which will be just in time for students to take advantage of word equality. So students, next time you approach the voting booth, paws for just one moment and think about Obama’s H.E.L.P., pleas. By voting for President Obama, freer of the homophones, Yule be giving similar hope of equal rights to other suppressed groups, such as Indies, Gingers, and Coldplay fans, from sea to shining sea. * We at The Snore simply transcribed spokesperson Jones’ statement as we heard it. We apologize for any confusion caused by the misspellings in Mr. Jones’ piece. † We were unsure whether this was supposed to read “others” or actually remain “udders,” so we used a ‘dagger’ just in case.
Student Rec Center Chief of Fitness downs e-mail servers - Bro. Steven Zeagal “Remember that scene at the end of ‘Fight Club’?,” said Thomas Chip, IT specialist at UNA. “Those bombs go off as Ed Norton views the city being leveled. It’s beautiful, but tragic. Oh yeah, spoiler alert. Better late than never. Now, imagine that very thing happening inside the servers at UNA.” Chip was referring to the system overloads and failed servers at the University of North Alabama at the end of the 2011 spring semester. “We thought we were prepared,” he said. “But we’ve never seen anything like it. Think of it as a large Paleolithic beast unleashing unparalleled fury on a local daycare. That is simply one-tenth of the damage members of the student recreation center (SRC) did last year to our e-mail servers.” Students on campus complained about the SRC and it’s staff members’ onslaught of e-mail. Earlier that morning, several students had received warnings about intramural sports behavior. Then, a few minutes later, an email was sent to the entire student body, whether they were involved in intramurals or not. Finally, that afternoon, the SRC Chief of Fitness sent e-mails to every student on campus that read: “Sherry, dinner should be ready promptly at six. Please do not burn the rump toast. –Sent from my iPhone” Then followed with: “I meant eoast. – Sent
from my iPhone” And finally finished with: “Dammit, roast. -Sent from my iPhone” It wasn’t so much the information contained in the e-mails throughout the semester, everyone was curious about a club volleyball team, a rugby team, when Zumba classes would be held, and how we could shred up our core, but it was more or less about the frequency of them. However, this time, it was different. “I remember my cell phone beeping in class,” said Monique Alexander, a junior chemistry major. “Then, it beeped a second time. I was taking a final and found myself caught in a pickle, and, unfortunately, Derek Jeter was playing short. I wasn’t able to answer or silence it or ignore it. “On the third beep, my professor asked me to leave the class. I walked outside to check my phone and I saw that it was three consecutive emails from the chief of fitness.” Students were furious over the amount of emails they had received in one day. No one was sure of what it would do to the system; they simply knew that their mobile devices and laptops nearly imploded. “We believed it would be a normal day of playing right-click-save-images-from-student’sfacebook-accounts-remotely, but then we saw the activity charts shoot through the roof,” Chip said. “It was a massacre.”
The SRC sent so much e-mail that it crashed the server, causing mass panic around campus. At least four art students ran out of the building, arms flailing, crying that it would indeed be the end of UNA Portal as we knew it. “Do you remember that monk that burned himself in the wake of persecution?” asked Ashlin Martin, a philosophy major. “Well, I guarantee you he had taken crap for too long. He was ready to do something about it. I don’t think UNA students took it to that extreme, but they were all sick of getting email after email after email, that those three emails were the lighter fluid that set the monk ablaze.” Portal was down for at least 40 hours while the IT team worked hard to get it back up and running. The Chief of Fitness had crashed the server with three meaningless emails and several informative ones earlier that day. The campus was in a frenzy, but Chip and his team worked tirelessly to be sure that it never happens again. “We’ve set a cap on the number of e-mail a student can receive from the SRC in one day,” he said, when asked about preventing a future attack. “It’s at forty right now, and we hope to have that number down to thirty by the spring of 2013. By cutting the number of their e-mails sent to one-third, it should clear up space on the servers for students to check their grades or sext at their convenience.”
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News
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Black Box Theater making progress -Bro. Mel Gibzen
stantly giving us a hard time durFor those of you who need to access ing rehearsals. Pine Street via Irving, the wait is almost “Sometimes, over. The new Black Box Theater is set he would fart to wrap up construction in February of right in our 2012. Theater majors are having a cammidst and then pus wide Cum Fiesta as a result of the giggle when theater’s near completion. we would start “Were making excellent progress,” said blaming each construction supervisor Michael “Poon other.” Hair” Hunt. “We should have this bad Now, with the boy up and running by February of next new theater, year.” students will be The theater, which began construction offered a little last February, will feature state of the peace and quiet art stage mechanics to allow students to to continue their sharpen their production skills. “We’ve studies. utilized the same technology found in “It’s going to Pictured Above the famous Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time be fantastic,” Theater to give the Black Box one hell of Fletcher says. “Now I don’t have to worry a laser light show,” Hunt proclaims. “It about a ghost taking a slam in my duffle will have badass written all over it.” The bag.” university has revealed that it has spent Also the size of Norton Auditorium nearly $500,000 on Roman Candles and requires the students to shout their lines enough black lights to rival “CSI.” “These and use occasional sign language to aleffects will be so intense that you’ll have low the full room to understand the play. an epileptic seizure by just passing it “The acoustics in Norton are terrible. from Pine Street,” Hunt continues. I feel like I’m playing an intense game The Black Box Theater will be, in many of quiet mouse every time I perform,” ways, superior to its dirt old predecessor explains junior theater major Forrest Norton Auditorium. Norton Auditorium, Frump. Black Box, however, hopes to as many of you know, is haunted and eliminate this problem with tactics such it was difficult for students to focus on as multiple seating arrangements and their work. “The ghost is a total butthole,” rentable Spy Ear Sound Amplifiers. claims Dirk Fletcher, a sophomore ActIt should also be noted that the first ing major. “The Norton ghost would con- production has already been scheduled
to take place during the summer of 2012. The UNA Summer Theater will perform Bill Engvall’s “Where’s My Sign.” This groundbreaking production, a stage adaptation of the comedian’s famous routine, will chronicle young Engvall’s rise to fame and will include enough down home, country humor you’ll feel like beating your wife afterwards. This will be the first time the play has been performed- ever. The anticipation will be rising over the next two semesters as the construction draws to an end. I think the entire student body cannot wait to see what the Black Box has in store.
Bowden increases revenue with collegiate bail bond program - Bro Steven Zeagal
ing a souped up Bowden’s Bail Bond Service car. Then we put With talk of the transition to two and two together.” D-1, many students, faculty, The Lion football coach had and members of the commu- decided that if he was making nity are curious as to how the the campus extremely attracmove will be funded initially. tive to athletes with troubled Those rumors were laid to pasts, he might as well be sure rest this past weekend on the he was bailing them out in practice field located just off style. Although Bowden was Pine Street. unavailable for comment, an “I was walking to croquet anonymous source close to class at Flower’s when I looked him complied. over and my jaw nearly hit the “We all felt that, since we pavement,” said John Finwere out of ‘get out of jail free scher, a senior H.P.E. major. cards’, ” she said. “It might be “I thought someone was a good idea to offer an escort playing a joke on the student service for incoming players. body. We all wondered why The players were really getting Stay-Puft Marshmallow man weird looks when the FPD from Ghostbuster’s was drivand University Police were
finding out that it was a Monopoly card.” While many freshmen are cursing the administration for their parking situation, the bail bond service is offering round trip rides to Tallahassee, Gainesville, and other dominate SEC and ACC locales. One credible source had something very interesting to add. “It’s an interesting take on bringing in money to the university,” said Jeff Glove, who was formerly OJ Simpson’s lawyer. “I’ve helped others in the sports industry land gigs outside of the sports realm. OJ was an assistant screenwriter on at least three of the SAW
films. “I find it absolutely fascinating. I’m really not sure how he’s bringing in money, and it seems to burn through gas and hookers for the incoming players, but I’m sure it’s benefiting the history department somehow.” As of press time, we are still unsure of how this is earning any money for the university.
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The Brotherhood
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LINCOLN
SNORE BRO OF 2010
WANTS YOU! Want to be part of The Politicianz? Do you have an opinion? Rush SNORE by Sept 16, 2011. SEND US your best spoof work to thepoliticianz@gmail.com Please submit the following along with your work: Your Name Classificiation Cumulative GPA Tweet @The_Snore for any questions you may have.
Life
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Goober Sez! A word from UNA’s most famous alumnus, Goober Pyle (you know, the less famous Pyle… Gomer Pyle’s cousin).
“Hey Gome, this whole D-1 move is gonna go about as good as that time Andy let me run the jailhouse. Remember that? It was a colored picture episode so you probably didn’t see it.” “Here’s a bit for you new freshmen girls: Run like a scalded dog if a boy tells you you as purty as a catbird.” This pose looked incredibly uncomfortable to us.
5 places you must visit in the Shoals before graduation
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From the pen of Bro. Steven Zeagal
Tourway Pancake House
Located just off of Florence Boulevard, the service here is equal to none. This might be the only restaurant in Florence that inspires the bowels of reviewers on UrbanSpoon to s*it their pants simply by reading said reviews. It’s something that must be experienced before death, and we aren’t liable if that occurs shortly after intake.
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Diebert Park
It’s the most beautiful park in all of Florence. We have seven, so that’s really saying something. If you plan on walking your dog, for God’s sake, use the provided doggiedropping bag. If not, be prepared to borrow some s*it-kickers from a Kappa Sig.
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WC Handy Home
This is one thing that many locals take for granted. The Father of the Blues was born here, and very few people have been to his birthplace. Be careful on the way over, it’s a semi-dangerous locale. Even taking a popcap gun will provide enough protection to make you not look like a white guy in a Tyler Perry movie.
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Marriott of the Shoals
A luxury hotel right in the heart of the shoals, the Marriott is one of the buildings that’s most bragged about in the area. It’s where you’d want your parents to stay when they come to visit, or, if you’re in SGA, where you’ll take a member of senate for an exclusive, red-hot romantic affair.
Helen Keller Festival Nothing to see hear.
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Fun!
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Mad Libs with Bro. Zeverus Snape 1. Adjective 2. Verb ending in –ed 3. Synonym for large groups 4. Derogatory noun that isn’t Nazi 5. Adjective
6. Noun 7. Verb ending in –ed 8. Verb ending in –ed 9. Adverb 10. Noun
The windows to my _____1 small hideaway rattled as the troops _____2 by. They came in _____3, forcing us to conform to their way of thinking. However, we refused to let these _____4 beat us down with their _____5 ideologies. The young _____6 crouching next to me began muttering of protest. I quickly ______7 him. To protest was to be removed. Only us, the rejects of society, groveling for scraps in our shanties could see the disaster coming. Only we could see the destruction mounting from within. Yet, it was we who were _____8 _____9 by those known as “the administration.” It remained up to those with voices, those who remained free of _____10, to be the difference. We see now, those beings have failed us in our darkest hour. NOW RE-READ THE MAD LIB WHILE THINKING ABOUT: A. UNA’S MOVE TO DIVISION-1 B. THE HOLOCAUST
Poetry from the heart of our brotherhood The Mighty Caliph, “Commander of the Faithful”, Speaks: Ring, Sing, Ding Dong. It’s been so long. We can’t be wrong. Busy as beavers. Intricate weavers. Keeping watch on UNA. “Oh my, oh my how funny this is These PoliticianZ are genius, We want in the biz.” Eye got a twinkle? Pursue periwinkle. Think you’re a joker? Hail to the ochre. Pledge, listen to your master. Or you’ll end up in a cast…er. Vodka with Red Bull really does give you wings! Zing, Zing, ZZZ-ing!
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