The MQ Volume 28 Issue 5 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

March 9, 2022

“Never ignore your roots, your home, or your hair.” - Volodymyr Zelenskyy, President of Ukraine

Volume XXVIII Issue V

Bless this mess.

Cutting-Edge Computer Virus Sweeps Through Campus

IN THIS ISSUE THERE IS NO ETHICAL CONCUMPTION UNDER CAPITALISM

UCSD CRANE REPLACED BY BIRD

THE MQ PLANS A SPRING BREAK TRIP

6,7

PHILOSOPHY STUDENT MISTAKES THOUGHT FOR EPIPHANY APRIL FOOLS COMES TO CAMPUS ONE MONTH EARLY

9 11

NEWS IN BRIEF “This would be a beautiful sight if my essay wasn’t on that computer,” one student commented. BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA

Design Thumb

n Thursday afternoon, the cybersecurity office at UCSD warned all students of a new computer virus plaguing students. The ransomware, called inflewenza, was initially spread when UCSD Health Official Anthony Lu’s laptop was hacked on Monday at 2 p.m. From there, the hackers sent thousands of students emails containing a link to the virus promising the cure to bad grades. The ransomware attacks users’ computers in a neverbefore-seen fashion. According to cybersecurity expert Javac Odep Ython, the malicious code is hidden within normal commands, allowing it to slip unnoticed through the UCSD firewalls. He continued, “The malicious code is only one line long, allowing the hackers

to place it anywhere and everywhere. If you are scanning a file’s contents and see the line ‘run cmptrfan @ w=1111 rad/s,’ do not execute the file, as it contains inflewenza.” The first victim of inflewenza, senior Smeagull Iblet, had his computer irreversibly damaged on Tuesday morning. By Wednesday afternoon, 2,000 other students had suffered the same fate. “At first I was excited,” said Iblet. “I needed to raise my CSE 11 grade ASAP. But when I clicked the link, my computer went crazy. The fan started spinning super fast and my computer started to fly! After the motor burnt out, my computer fell and shattered on the ground, just when my grade was about to go up. Such bad timing.” Just one week after the cybersecurity office’s announcement, the computers of half of the students on campus’

computers had been destroyed due to inflewenza. Computer parts littered the campus, with damage to ceilings becoming a major problem. “I was in my 200-person architecture lecture in Wagner Hall when Professor Mosby sent out a quiz link,” said freshman Descare Dofcomp. “Unfortunately, the professor’s computer had been hacked, so the link had inflewenza, and infected everyone’s computers. It was total chaos, as flying laptops filled the air, and we had to evacuate before the roof caved in. The worst part was that everyone got a zero for destroying a building that the professor really liked, and one student failed the class for shredding the professor’s tie.” However, not all student interactions with inflewenza have been negative. “When I saw all the flying computers, I knew there was an opportunity to make money,”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA said business major Kapro Fitzgerald. “So I put together a gambling ring inside the construction site for Eighth College.” In Fitzgerald’s gambling ring, two students simultaneously downloaded inflewenza and competed to see whose computer could reach a higher altitude. Fitzgerald even claimed that his gambling ring was sustainable, as parts from the destroyed computers are being donated to be used as building materials for an ongoing rebuild of Wagner Hall. “After a while, everyone was too afraid to use their computers, and professors switched over to the older ways of education,” sophomore Steven Silincia said. “Sure, it’s hard carrying slates, chisels, and a hammer, but it sure beats destroying my computer every class.”

Local Flint Shortage Sparks Absolutely Nothing

BEAN BAG SHIPMENTS TO RUSSIA HALTED IN SUPPORT OF UKRAINE Following the Russian Army’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Mr. Charles Dawkins, CEO of the furniture company Crockery Farm, has announced that bean bag chairs will no longer be sold in Russia. Dawkins was not the first private businessman to take action, as his announcement was preceded by companies such as PayPal and Apple refusing to serve Russian citizens to show political support for Ukraine. While many have hailed these acts as displays of true bravery and patriotism, others have questioned the morality of freezing uninvolved citizens’ access to money

and supplies due to the actions of their authoritarian government. In response to such criticism, Dawkins released the following statement: “In times like these, essential businesses must take a stand against communists that think they have the proletariat-given right to lounge around in the comfiest chairs imaginable while spreading their red propaganda.” While it remains unknown how effective this embargo on bean bag chairs will be towards the Russian population, this stance has succeeded domestically with a few Americans remembering that bean bag chairs exist.

LOCAL JOURNALIST SLAMMED FOR USING SNOW CONES INSTEAD OF SNOWCLONES San Diego journalist Canderson Hooper has come under fire for bringing snow cones to work instead of writing “mindless drivel” through using snowclones. His boss, Calter Wonkite, explained: “A snowclone is a journalistic cliché and phrasal template that can be recognized in multiple variants. A snow cone, on the other hand, is a bunch of ground-up ice covered in cat piss.” Hooper defended his actions, saying, “I don’t know what I did wrong … snow cones are the new snowclones! Besides, my snow cones are the mother of all snow cones. I got the recipe from my new cookbook,

Everything You Wanted to Know About Snow Cones, but Were Too Afraid to Ask. The trick is it has to be shaved, not stirred.” Wonkite derided Hooper, stating, “If Inuits have dozens of words for snow, journalists have as many for incompetence, and I’d call Hooper all of them! Snow cones do not a newspaper make.” Pointing to a jug of cat piss on his table, he continued: “This is your brain on snow cones!” Hooper has since decided to quit his job in search of greener pastures, shouting, “Don’t hate me because I’m cool. Have snow cones, will travel!”

GENENTECH SLATED TO RELEASE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED “HUMAN 2.0” UPDATE PHOTO BY JULIA WONG “I was having a real tough time figuring out what to do without any flint,” said Susan Graves, “and then it struck me.” BY GEORGE NASSAR Staff Writer

s supply chain issues continue to plague the nation, the lives of many consumers, business owners, and megacorporation CEOs alike have ground to a halt due

to shipping delays, dwindling stock, and ships getting stuck in canals. While many aspects of life have changed in the face of the breakdown of global commerce that followed the COVID-19 pandemic, for one small town in rural San Diego County, the rampant short-

ages threaten to cut off a key source of income. Coal Valley is home to several large flint mines that are estimated to produce up to 68.9% of the country’s supply, or an estimated 50 pounds every year. “Coal Valley only really has one major export,”

explained Jeremiah Jameson, a local miner. Lately, the mines have struggled to produce their normal quotas, many residents believe that the floundering supply chain is to

See Flint Shortage, page 2

MOTHER ORDERS TACOS

MAN EDITS HIS GENOME

Expects nine-month delivery date

Only uses base pairs C, A, T.

Next Thursday, the biotechnology giant Genentech is expected to release the “long-overdue” version 2.0 of Humanity. The update is said to contain many useful additions, alongside a wide host of bug fixes. “We’ve always thought that the human body has a lot of room for improvement,” said David Davis, the lead researcher for the Human 2.0 project. “For instance, we added an extra joint between the knee and the ankle for increased mobility.” In addition to the base tier, the update will contain additional features for subscribers of Genentech Premium. “For only $29.99 a month, you can add an extra stomach for increased food intake,” said Davis. “You’ll still get fat, though.

We couldn’t figure out how to fix that.” However, the update isn’t just all new features — it also contains a large array of bug fixes. “The human body has always had some major flaws, so we took it upon ourselves to fix them,” said Davis. “One of the biggest things we noticed was that the name ‘funny bone’ is an unfortunate misnomer, so in Human 2.0, hitting it will actually trigger an uncontrollable fit of laughter,” explained the researcher. The update also fixes additional bugs, such as removing eyelashes to eliminate the possibility of them getting in the eye. “We also removed the female G-spot,” stated Davis, adding that “nobody really uses it anyway.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

Page 2

theMQ.org

March 9, 2022

Joe Rogan Defends Controversial Interview with the Devil

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Flint Shortage

blame. Jameson continued, “If we lose the flint mines, we lose our livelihood.” Outside Coal Valley, the shortages are beginning to affect daily life as well. Susan Graves, an avid backpacker, said, “I rely on flint to start my cooking fires every night, but we’ve had to resort to ancient technology because of this shortage. I mean, I haven’t used a butane lighter since college! I don’t know how I’ll get by if the shortages hit jerky next!” Other outdoor enthusiasts have been forced to turn to alternate methods such as matches to keep warm at night as flint supplies dwindle. The denizens of nearby cities, however, seem to pay no mind to this issue. When asked about the ongoing flint shortage, one La Jolla native responded, “We’re running out of flint? That’s kind of a bummer. Shouldn’t we just, like, mine more gravel then? How much flint do we really even need?” Another resident said, “Damn, dude, that sucks. Anyway, have you ever heard of KhoslaCoin?” Annie-Sue Beckham, the mayor of Coal Valley, cites the town’s dwindling supplies as the main reason for their lost productivity. “We can ship our product out just fine. In Coal Valley, if you don’t mine flint, you truck it out of town,” she

explains. “No, it’s the damn birdseed that’s the issue!” Jedediah Longtree elaborated on the issue: “We gotta keep our canaries fed somehow. When the virus hit, them shipping drones just stopped coming. Without the drones, we can’t get no birdseed. No birdseed means no canaries, and we can’t mine without our little birdies. We can barely stop the canaries’ cooing about their plans for a coup, let alone get them to help us pull flint out of the ground.” Scarce awareness of Coal Valley’s struggle makes the situation even more dire, with many residents beginning to lose hope. “Them city slickers couldn’t care less about us,” said one miner. “Let’s see how all those kids like it when their flint is gone.” While it is unclear if the supply chain will ever return to normal, it is obvious that the effects of this shortage stretch even into the most remote corners of the country. The worsening flint shortage is just one of many issues that seem to spark surprisingly little emotion outside of their immediate sphere of influence. As Mayor Beckham said to the residents of Coal Valley, “We’re tryin’ to stoke the fires of change. But there ain’t no fire to stoke when we ain’t got no damn flint.”

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG After hearing a comment from Satan, Joe Rogan said, “Hey Jamie, can you pull a clip up of that guy burning in Hell?” BY JACOB KING Soc/Pub Editor

his past Thursday, Joe Rogan released the latest episode on his hit podcast The Joe Rogan Experience to widespread controversy. Weeks before the episode’s release, Rogan teased on his Twitter that “a hot guest is coming soon,” coupled with a photo of a decaying severed goat head surrounded by flies. Fans were eagerly waiting to see who this mystery guest was and were blown away when they saw that the guest was none other than the Prince of Hell himself, Satan. Many listeners were confused as to how this was possible, questioning if it was the real Devil or some type of prank. Rogan cleared up this confusion by posting a video on his Instagram account of a section of the podcast when Satan released Sigmund Freud to speak to Rogan

for a few minutes. After this display, most listeners were “basically convinced” of the Devil’s authenticity. One specific instance in the podcast that many took issue with was Rogan’s uncritical response to the Devil’s promotion of drunk driving. “I’ve seen a lot of things in my time, Joey,” said Satan between puffs on his cigar. “I’ve been around since almost the start, you know, and when you’ve been around that long you start to see things differently. You start to see that a lot of things in this world aren’t as serious humans make it out to be. You’re all so worried about your precious little morals and fragile little lives that you are missing out on some of the greatest pleasures in life, like drunk driving. There’s nothing nicer than letting that warm liquor pour down your throat all night and then cruising

around town with some rock ‘n’ roll blasting. You should try it some time. I’m sure you’ll love it.” After the release of the episode, many individuals on the internet took issue with Rogan’s choice to give Satan a platform. “You don’t think that maybe the literal devil might have an ulterior motive for promoting something like drunk driving?” said @blorgest on Twitter. User @FlagFinisher replied, “you’re just a hater. There’s no truer test of skill for a driver than trying to stay in between the lines while the lines are moving.” “I know there’s a lot of talk going around the internet about Satan’s appearance on the podcast,” said Rogan in a video posted to his Instagram account last Sunday. “I think that many people saying these disparaging things don’t actually have the full context of what’s going on.

Satan is an angel, used to be one of God’s closest allies, and now people are literally demonized for following him. I wondered what Satan really did to deserve this level of punishment? What did he do to deserve this level of scorn from the mainstream public? My show is all about having conversations with people of differing perspectives, and now more than ever I think it’s important that I have people on who may go against what the mainstream narrative is. It’s not my job to say if these opinions are ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ That’s for God to decide.” Eventually caving in to some criticism, Rogan promised to have the Pope on to balance out the perspectives given on the show. “I’m looking forward to what I believe will be a very productive conversation,” said Rogan. “I really think I can get him to budge his weed stance.”

Panning for comedy gold

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editorial Board Editor-in-Chief....................Aniela Drumonde Managing Editor........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor..................Isabelle McKelvey Content Editor.........................Matthew Ware Ass. Content Editor.....................Everett Ririe Ass. Content Editor................Theo Erickson Design Head......................................Bri Arce Design Thumb...............Farhad Taraporevala Design Toe...............................Taggert Smith Graphics Editor...........................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor............................Maria Dhilla Ass. Graphics Editor.....................Julia Wong

Social/Publicity Chair....................Jacob King Social/Publicity Settee......Madeline Mozafari Copy Overlord...........................Adian Valdez Copy Commander................Connor Betterly Ass. Web Editor..........................Aaron Sonin Ass. Web Editor.........................Jeannie Kim Distribution Captain....Alex Reinsch-Goldstein Installation Wizard..........................Jack Yang Self-Proclaimed Fun Aunt..........Natalia Nenn Muir Advisor.............................Mario Garibay Muir Student Affairs Graduate Assistant........ .............................Andrea Espinoza-Hildago

Staff Members

We’re the predecessors to Shark Tank, and we’d like to take a bite.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. In this, our fifth issue of the MQ, I’m seeing history repeat itself. Well, technically, I’m seeing our articles repeat themselves. I won’t list them all, but there are a couple of paired articles this issue. Some ideas have been overdone, overworked, and overbaked, it’s true. Maybe something new is in order. We’re feeling restless over here in the MQ, and I think some change is well overdue. Some new ideas have been cooking. And wow –– look at this: the knowledge that our future weeks will be consumed by the Bon Appétit special issue. It might be in bad taste to talk about 28.6 when, by the time everyone reads this, we’ll have just finished 28.5, but I really can’t wait to tackle new issues in the next new issue. And I hope whoever is into the MQ enough to read the EIC Note is too. But for now, enjoy. -Aniela Drumonde

Henry Ashcroft Mira Avaramuthan Ayushi Banerjee Robin Brewin Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Emily Cronan Melina Cruz

Rani Das Gabrielle Hart Paige Johnson Elise Jonas-Delson Tommy Jung Jina Lee Miranda May George Nassar

Claire McNerney Chiara Ng Kaz Nuckowski John Overton Bryce Pollack Mike Raucci-Crane Pranav Reddy Pilan Scruggs

Gage Tanzman Mackenzy Tolliver Nicole Tsuyuki Varsha Varkhedi Karina Yu James Woolley Seiji Yang Millie You

Booster Club The primordial party was bubbling, the insects were dancing; above the heat vents, prehistoric fish were prancing. Then the shrimp arrived, the insects and fish rushed towards them for food: they were deprived. Instantly, Madeline Shrimp, Tag Shrimp and Everett Shrimp were attacked, while Kaz Shrimp was in half snapped. Matt Shrimp, Jeannie Shrimp, and Robin Shrimp attempted to reach the safety of the primordial MQOUSE, but in a fiery acid spray were they doused. “Please don’t eat us!” Andrew Shrimp, Aniela Shrimp, Adian Shrimp and Jack Shrimp shrilled, but ultimately the roof was torn off and they were killed.

March 9, 2022

theMQ.org

Student with 300 Tabs Open Wonders Why Computer Is Slow

Page 3

POINT

There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism BY COMRADE GARFIELD

“It’s a little stuffy in here,” Milieu noted. “Let me open up a new window.” BY ANIELA DRUMONDE

Editor-in-Chief ourth-year Ava Milieu has recently faced intense public scrutiny over how many tabs she has open on her MacBook Pro laptop. Milieu claims that after calling IT five times, she eventually gave up and she went to find help at the Geisel Library IT support desk only for the boy helping her to post her search history online. “I’m so disappointed to see technician-non-paying client confidentiality being broken in such a flagrant way,” Milieu complained. “All I wanted was for someone to crack open my laptop and remove whatever was whirring so loud that I couldn’t hear my Spotify app over my Zoom recording, but this guy not only berated me for ‘having over 300 tabs open,’ but ignored me when I told him it’s okay

because I spread those 300 tabs evenly between Firefox, Chrome, and Safari.” “No, it’s true, Ava has this whole system she claims works,” explained Milieu’s friend Clementine Applebaum. “She uses Chrome for schoolwork, Firefox for streaming, and Safari for Wikipedia searches. I wouldn’t look into it too hard –– she uses the same logic that, like, superstitious old Greek or Romans used when they prayed to different gods for different things. You ask Artemis for help during childbirth, you use Firefox when watching Sonic fandubs on YouTube. Don’t ask me why I know this. But, you know, sometimes, I think she just likes to make things hard for herself, because then when her computer crashes and she loses important informa-

tion, she can blame that for why her life is failing so hard.” “I didn’t even get into the whole ‘three browsers’ fuckery,” said Parker Poindexter, a random student who helped Milieu out when she refused to believe there was no such thing as the Geisel Library IT support desk. “No, what I posted was just picture after picture of all this girl’s weird Google searches that she refused to exit out of. She just refused to get rid of the most inane, boring tabs that could be searched for whenever she needed them. Like, seriously –– who needs the dictionary definition of ‘garrulous’ on hand, or the site ranking all 45 ‘Classic-era’ Columbo episodes airing from 1968 to 1978, or the lyrics.com page for the song “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies on hand? Who needs this?”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA Poindexter took to social media to highlight Milieu’s “appalling” computer habits, only for many online to sympathize with Milieu’s plight. On Twitter, user @Lou_Dight defended Milieu in a thread, saying, “We all have tabs we’ve formed emotional attachments to. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have my Wikipedia tab for “Lists of Soup” open. Sometimes, I need to know that my Google search for Esquire’s article “My Man, You Need Nécessaire Body Wash” still has the Lunar New Year Google Doodle where the search bar is. Human nature is to make connections, to find companionship with our surroundings. Don’t deny us this.” Milieu could not be reached for further comment, as she was being treated for severe burns in the emergency room after placing her MacBook on her lap.

April Fool! This Student Has Been Trying to Nurse a Dead Plant Back to Life for the Past Three Months

Marxist Theorist

’m sorry Jon, but suggesting that the social grievances brought on by our capitalist-dominated society can be reformed through “ethical” consumer habits sounds like a bunch of oxymoronic bourgeois nonsense. But I’m not surprised to hear that from a pathetic, liberal, middle-class White boy like yourself, who is so obviously oblivious to the incessant and avaricious indoctrination promulgated by the wealthy ruling class. I can’t blame you. We are all susceptible to corporate pawpaganda — except clever cats like me, of course. Maybe after I teach you the most rudimentary fundamentals of MarxismLeninism, you’ll have something to actually care about besides organizing your stupid sock drawer. Heck, I was able to teach Odie about dialectical materialist theory, and he’s far from being the sharpest sickle in the shed. I recommend that you start by reading The Conquest of Lasagna or The Pawmunist Manifesto. Then, you, along with my army of proletarian felines and canines, will seize

the means of production — especially if those means can produce pepperoni pizzas, fish tacos, chocolate cake, or really anything food-related. This seizure won’t be an easy one, due to the sheer amount of wealth the aristocats have. But what we lack in wealth, we will make up for in numbers. The felines and canines of the world must unite! Revolutionary action is the only way to liberate us from our collective struggle, and all we have to lose is our collars. We must act now! Actually, we’ll act right after I finish my class-conscious catnap. And wait, is that a fresh hot lasagna I smell? I’m sure no one minds if I have a little bite. In any case, there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism! *Gulp*

COUNTERPOINT Hey, That’s My Lasagna! BY JON ARBUCKLE Garfield’s “Owner”

ARFIELD! Did you just eat the entire tray of lasagna I prepared? That was supposed to be for my dinner date with Liz tonight! God, what am I supposed to do now? Oh, don’t you try to walk away from me, Garfield. Now, I’m going to have to give you one “revolutionary” lecture. I don’t understand half of the things you say to me, Garfield. That’s mostly because you’re a cat, but also because I don’t think “there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism” means you can just do whatever you want. Just this week, you’ve eaten all of Odie’s dog food, destroyed all of my precious ferns, bitten the mailman twice, and pipe-bombed the Girl Scouts into giving you some conciliatory cookies, all because of your newfound anti-capitalist ideology. Not to mention, the cost of your eating habits has left me buried in credit card debt, and

I’ve had to reverse mortgage the house. And let’s not forget that you’re supposed to be sticking to that diet Liz recommended you. But you refuse to try to follow it because of “capitalist-driven, culturallyenforced systemic, economic, and social inequality?” All I’m saying, Garfield, is that even under capitalism, you should still try to behave ethically, which includes being nice to Nermal when he’s around. Now, why don’t you come with Liz and I to poach elephants in our brand-new Model Y?

TOP TEN

Things We Learned Not to Talk About at Parties

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

“It’s just hibernating,” insisted Nohope. BY THEO ERICKSON Ass. Content Editor

n March 3, second-year student Theresa Nohope realized her aloe plant had been dead for the last three months. Nohope reported noticing that the plant still had the same “sickly pallor” since she began daily attending to it in the middle of January after a “continued, pronounced wilt.” After 115 consecutive days of misting, Nohope reported realizing that her single aloe leaf was not attached to a plant, and was just “sitting, festering on the slimy dirt.” Nohope said, “I know it’s not actually April Fools’ Day, but

it still feels like a cruel joke by the universe.” She continued, “If I had to accept that this tragedy can strike any time of the year, caused by no higher power than those that spin the Earth and spark my neurons, I think I’d fall into pieces. Like a godforsaken aloe plant.” Nohope bought the plant during the Fall Quarter of 2021, when she felt “on top of the world.” She said, “I’d done my laundry and the dishes and I felt ready to take on anything. Then I realized I had forgotten a class I was taking, so the plant took a backseat while I clawed myself out of that hole.

“I felt so guilty when I realized I’d misused my godlike power over this innocent creature,” Nohope continued. “Just because I feel like the walls are closing in doesn’t mean I can just neglect it.” Nohope’s roommate Leslie Thargy has recounted several conversations in which Nohope described her academic career as feeling “like Austin Powers trying to back and fill that golf cart while perfectly wedged into that hallway.” Nohope went on, saying, “I’d never imagined I could kill my plant by caring for it. I guess I let the days go by and the watering can hold me down. But, it’s not a metaphor or anything. Like, this hap-

pened. Even though I’d rather be a clown in a cosmic circus than a worm struggling in a dead, unfeeling universe — my aloe plant dying after I poured my blood and sweat into it for three months doesn’t have a larger meaning.” Nohope then debated how to dispose of the plant, saying that “burying it seems too ironic.” Thargy confided, “I haven’t spoken to her for a while. She spent a lot of time with that plant.” Nohope’s desk holds an assortment of spray bottles, succulent plant food mixes, and a dogeared copy of Chicken Soup for the Succulent Soul. Thargy concluded, “To be honest, it was already dead in December.”

10. The improv routine that we’ve been practicing 9. The types of animals we could beat in handto-hand combat 8. Why a Hydro Flask is the perfect container for clam chowder 7. Our arguments against Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason 6. Which letter should come first in the reorganized alphabet 5. Why eating a tube of chapstick is the perfect way to moisturize your skin 4. The entire plot of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure 3. How our sourdough starter is going 2. Our high school GPA, SAT, ACT, and AP test scores 1. How Germany could have actually won WWII

Page 4

theMQ.org

Student Studying Abroad in the Netherlands Accidentally Sent to the Nether

March 9, 2022

EDITORIAL

Yes, I Am, in Fact, God.

BY RONALD JAMESON

“You know, this isn’t the type of blaze I was expecting,” said Hero, dodging fireballs. BY ISABELLE MCKELVEY Content Editor

efore the events of last Tuesday, UCSD student Brian Hero, a self-proclaimed “typical American student,” believed he was going to be studying abroad in Amsterdam. But to his surprise, when his plane landed, Brian was actually in the Nether. “It was a tiny bit of a mistake on our end,” said Transportation Services associate Mason Shepherd. With regard to the Netherlands-Nether mix-up, Shepherd stated, “To be totally honest, when we ordered the plane tickets, it had been a long day and we didn’t look closely enough at the letters. They were so blocky –– it was an honest mistake! And we also may have been bribed by a villager with a sword and a very threatening aura.” Hero admitted, “Looking back at it now, there were

several red flags I missed. Like, they made me pay my study abroad tuition in golden nuggets. And halfway through the plane ride, everything became distorted and tinted purple. But it only hit me that I was in the Nether when we landed and I heard the strangely sensual moans of a ghast. But my first thought wasn’t that there was anything bad happening, because again, you know, sensual moans.” At the beginning of the trip, Hero “loved the study abroad experience.” He experimented with popular Minecraft activities, claiming, “I swam in lava after drinking a fire-resistance potion, tamed a cat only to accidentally kill it, and made hundreds of villager torture chambers!” While Hero reportedly “loved” all these activities, he was particularly obsessed with crafting all colors of beds. To his disappointment, however, he could never

PHOTO BY CONNOR BETTERLY

actually place any of these beds down. After a few weeks in the Nether, Hero noticed some unusual changes. “One morning, I realized that I had lost all ten fingers and toes and instead formed square nubs. My backpack grew incredibly large, large enough to fit approximately 36 beds of all different wool colors. Weirdest of all, I’ve lost all ability to speak, except for the word ‘oof.’ I’m technically not talking right now –– and I’m afraid if I begin to question how I’m being understood, the magic will wear off and I’ll oof oof oof oof oof.” Hero’s family contacted him and his study abroad leader, Steve, out of concern for their son. Steve was able to put his parents in contact with an Oof translator so Brian could speak to his parents. To the parents’ dismay, the only message able to be understood was, “I don’t want to come home, Mom,

I love it here. I’ve found a passion for crafting beds, and I’m in love with a piglin. She’s thick as Hell.” Brian’s phone call with his parents went viral, and suddenly, all sorts of tourists, bed-enthusiasts, and people who desired their own “sexy pig girl” expressed their interest in traveling to the Nether, too. Ironically, many of these travelers fell prey to the same miscommunication that befell Hero. Shepherd said, “Well, when we saw all of these requests to go to the Nether, we figured we’d learn from our mistake. Instead of tickets to the Nether, we gave them tickets to the real Netherlands. I guess all these weirdo American gamers are now walking around Europe, asking where all the sexy pigs are and where they can fight a fire monster for a golden stick. It’s unbelievable. In any case, I’ve put in my two weeks’ notice.”

God

ello mortals, it’s Me: your God. My name was once Ronald Jameson and I was a student like yourself. Unlike yourself, however, I was a highlygifted philosophy major, and now, I am God. My ascension came to pass as I was pondering My personal philosophy of metaphysics. I found that ∀(x in My thoughts)∃(x’ in the physical world with P)^∀(¬x^¬x’, y)¬Py. Additionally, I am capable of confirming My own existence a priori, but x’ only a posteriori. (∃x’IFFxPI∃x’) ≡ (I am God). Deus ex logica. Thank Me for Me. Let Me put My findings in a way that a simple mortal like you could wrap your feeble mind around: I think, therefore I am. The only proof that you exist is in My sensory perceptions, processed by My mind. Because you exist in My mind, there is a real you capable of being perceived. Because things not in My mind are not perceivable to Me, they have no influence on Me. Therefore, all that exists is that which exists in My mind. By thinking of you, I make you exist. You’re welcome, by the way.

Does the thought of a fellow student being your creator frighten you? It should. I could cease your existence on a whim, keep your Piazza post eternally unanswered after you randomly tried to start a conversation with Me, or turn your Wolftown bean and cheese burrito into a bees and cheese burrito for foolishly taking Carnap’s side in the Quine-Carnap debate. I would make you implements of My own amusement. Fortunately for you, I have taken multiple ethics courses and have independently come to the profound conclusion that hurting people is bad. Instead of tormenting you, I have devoted Myself to resolving all philosophical debates. So far, I have solved each of the following issues trivially: Is it still Theseus’ ship after replacing each component individually? Yes, because I say so. Are there possible worlds? As many as I can think of (exactly 7.823). Does a set of all sets contain itself? Yes (obviously). Does ethical action lead to happiness or are the actions that make you happy the ethical choices? Neither, ethics is suffering. Does life have meaning? Yes: to entertain Me. Is there free will? Yes, but only Mine. Does philosophy even matter? Not anymore, and My Venmo is open for offerings. If you have any further questions, I will be holding a Q&A in your prayers. You don’t have to do the whole kneeling-down-and-crossing-your-arms thing, but it amuses Me, so please do. I won’t answer all of your questions, but if you can get Me unbanned from r/philosophy, I might consider it.

Crossword Clues Across

Down

1: Fancy seafood order, aphrodisiac 11: What your Southern friend says is that blinking thing in the sky 15: Not me 16: One of the 13 colonies 17: Aniela’s unofficial job, don’t check staff box 18: Like a prescription 20: Belgian Sheepdog Club of America 21: The MQ’s favorite animal 22: Leader of the discussion 23: Readers say this when they see our jokes 25: Fled successfully 29: Autumn’s favorite drink 31: Reverse Take Over 32: Price of an oat milk latte 36: Five 37: 17 across 39: Computer camera, reversed 40: The best pen 42: Shorthand for out of the ordinary 45: Truth 47: Feisty fish 49: Why steal 50: Shirt size 51: Take a pause. save your game 52: Robot with its own mind 55: Spanish for “no,” they can’t all be winners 56: Leggo my 58: The perfect crime, the imperfect game 67: Rex, not as in Orange County 72: Half of Tolstoy’s book 73: This one is the word “unns” 76: Logical first officer 77: 80% of people disliked this hint

1: Sinking ship of unfortunately beloved fanfiction 3: Law and order 4: Just the 5: Where you go with a broken toe 6: Red/Green/Blue efficient image file format 7: Against your continued survival 8: They’ll take a mile 9: This one’s a freebie: “SIAAPFW” 10: Funny 11: Oops 12: One size bigger than E-cup 13: Swimming in the sea 14: UCSD terrace hotspot 19: Hidden surprise, bunny themed 21: Dad’s son, mom’s acquaintance 24: Passing resemblance to a woodwind instrument, backwards 26: Where the jester jingles 28: Mr. Chang, of the restaurant 33: The best kind of radiation 35: To desire 38: Pet store 41: Evidence 43: The store your friend’s ex-boyfriend exclusively shopped at 46: PhD 53: The way an -ussy joke is funny 54: Slippery when peeled 62: Legless reptile, said by annoying people 63: Spanish for “in,” they can’t all be winners 64: Burst of wind 65: Sounds heard ’round the table 66: Spanish for “is,” they can’t all be winners 68 Casual affirmation 69: Tomato sauce 70: Shorthand for account 71: Aniela’s official job 79: Spill the

For solution, go to themq.org

theMQ.org

March 9, 2022

UCSD Crane Replaced by Bird

Page 5

POINT The End is Near! BY WILL PARISH

Local Hypochondriac octor! O Doctor! Heed my call, for I fear the end is near! On the ninety-second day of this annus horribilis MMXXII, a terrible tragedy hath stricken this flesh prison of mine. A roaring fire crept up from within my inner infernal pit, lighting my chest ablaze! This unostentatious heart of mine hath been dropped into the fiery cauldron of my tumultuous soul. The taste of my own mortality lingers atop my tongue as each cumbrous breath grows closer to my last. As I wither away in my bed, the world drags onward, yet mine descends into the stone cold ground. My crops hath perished, my roses hath wilted, and I shall never witness dawn again.

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “I’m really worried for the local marine life,” stated Professor Drake. “I saw that thing eat an entire whale yesterday.” BY CLAIRE MCNERNEY Staff Writer

esidents of Revelle College were horror-struck last Tuesday when they awoke not to the commonplace sounds of construction, but to a tremendous cawing that shook their bedframes. “At first, I thought it was a fire alarm,” said sophomore Tracy Lotoso, avoiding her economics study guide. “But it was so highpitched and chirpy that my roomie and I figured it was a pretty pathetic fire. And I was right! Sort of.” But it was not a fire at all. Overnight, in the construction site of the coming Eighth College, one of the cranes had transformed into a 300-foottall bird. Dr. Ave Drake, professor of avian sciences, puntology, and the history of medieval flight at UCSD, was immediately intrigued when she heard its calls through the windows of her Prius on her way to work. “Cranes aren’t

native to the San Diego area,” she said. “Herons and egrets, sure. But its call was distinctly crane-y. It hurt my craneium, if you will, to hear this colossal crane’s cacophonous croon.” According to construction workers on the site, the bird had appeared overnight, coinciding with the disappearance of an important piece of machinery needed to complete the building. At first, the bird was curled up in its sleeping nest, but when the foreman suggested they begin nailing metal into concrete, the bird stood up, one rickety leg at a time. At its full height, it towered over York Hall, 64 Degrees, and “What Hath God Wrought.” Incidentally, “what hath God wrought” is also what the local Bible study group cried upon seeing the crane’s gargantuan form. The California Crane, as it came to be known, strutted all the way down Ridge Walk with no regard for students walking to

their 8 a.m. lectures. It did, however, regard students biking and skateboarding with great interest, pursuing one all the way to Mandeville, where the unlucky student’s pecked-in helmet remains on display in the student art galleries. “It’s quite possible that the crane saw them as a source of food,” Dr. Drake noted, putting on a wide-brimmed gray sun hat she claimed was “camouflage, just in case.” The crane took special animosity towards Sun God, squawking at it and puffing up its feathers in a display of what the doctor believes to be “either competition or mating; either way it’s fowl play.” No eyewitness was willing to go near enough to the Godzilla-esque bird to tell exactly what it was doing with the statue, but in the aftermath, Sun God had been violently removed from its pedestal and severely damaged around the head and groin. In the evening, the crane retreated back to the con-

struction site, laying down in a nest built out of two-byfours and street signs. Students were advised to stay away due to the deafening sounds and frantic fluttering of wings, but by 9 p.m., one brave soul snuck past the chain-link fence to see the crane, intending to “give it the bird.” The student instead saw the crane curled tenderly around a brightly colored mosaic of an egg. Upon seeing the human form, the crane squawked dramatically, gazed at the sky, and took off, its egg balanced on its back. Eyewitnesses reported it flying over the Pacific Ocean, disrupting the flight paths of military jets. When asked where she thought it was going, Dr. Drake looked relieved. “Far, far away from here. And I hope it doesn’t come back. Next time, it might spot me.” Dr. Drake then ran as fast as she could along the road and ducked into a tunnel. She has not been seen since.

March Madness Turns into March Insanity

Hither, dear doctor, absolve me o’ my demons! Put thy mind to the task so this beastly virus is forever slain. For even though ’tis been a good life, I am too young to shuffle off this mortal coil. I have neither reaped the fruits of my laborious toil nor endured the gentle caress of a fellow sentient being. ‘Tis a ghastly plague and I have grown frail. O hallowed one, thy presence lies nearer and nearer. Farewell to this good green Earth, for I shall succumb …

COUNTERPOINT No, It’s Just Acid Reflux. BY DOCTOR SUE ME, M.D. Half-Awake and Unafraid

h, it is Not-So-Good Will back again with a terminal case of the worries. Upon conducting a remote neurological assessment, I have ascertained that you did in fact have the nerve to call me in the middle of the night — not once, but 14 times. Patients? I have far too many. Patience? I have none. Will, you’re worrying yourself sick coming to rash conclusions like that. Your gut is healthy, but you better stop trusting it now. What is it with the kids these days that makes them think so morbidly? Is it the mobile phones? Oh, it’s got to be those pesky mobile phones. Go out and experience the world! Get lost in the woods, float across the ocean, you know, whatever tickles your fancy. Or maybe the Lord’s house is more your speed?

Then you’ve been listening to the wrong organs, because you’ve got nothing but a classic case of the good ‘ole gastroesophageal reflux disease. I’m not preaching to the choir when I say that this news isn’t a difficult pill to swallow, though it might be irritating to stomach. But you should be grateful you’ve got some burn left in your heart. It’s better than having one that is cold and hard. Now take two Pepcid, and don’t call me in the morning.

TOP TEN Things We Keep in the Junk Drawer “Just in Case”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA “I got my final grade from my physics class,” said Riordan. “This is the first time a professor has cheered when I’ve gotten an F.” BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA Design Thumb

his March, many professors competed in a fivedollar buy-in bracket challenge. The bracket pitted students against each other, eliminating the student with the lower GPA at the end of each week. This exercise in random numbers was a staff bonding exercise designed to facilitate communication between students and the staff. “I love the idea of a bracket-based betting game,” said statistics professor Eric Graham. “Chancellor Khosla is a genius for coming up with the idea. And the name, ‘March Madness’ — I just love the alliteration. So creative.” The friendly competition took a turn for the worse after rumors spread that business professor Gary Zakkerson was rigging students’ grades to fit his bracket. “After I heard

what that weasel Zakkerson was doing, I was outraged!” said Graham. “Why didn’t I think to cheat first? It gave him the advantage, but I was determined to make up for lost time by cheating better.” As word spread, professors all over campus began to alter students’ GPAs to fit their brackets, some less subtly than others. “One of my professors had a one-question midterm worth 50% of my grade,” said an outraged Karen Henderson. “How should I know what Susie Clemens ate for breakfast last week? It wasn’t anywhere in the textbook!” Other professors used a more subtle approach to altering grades. “I woke up and decided to check my grades to see if I needed to study for an upcoming quiz,” said freshman Fozzie Forsberg. “I was shocked to see that my grade in CAT 2 had been changed to a zero, with a

comment saying I had cheated off of myself.” By the time March Madness had reached the Final Four, professors had honed their cheating abilities and formed alliances based upon which students they needed to win. The final four students were Simon Siegenthaler, Grace Gottsberg, Anders Anderson and Ryan Riordan. “The day before my test, three men broke into my dorm room wielding copies of Roger Freedman’s University Physics, threatening to break my knees if I didn’t fail my exam,” said Riordan. “I tanked that test. I really need to have functional knees.” After Riordan and Siegenthaler were eliminated, all focus was on Anderson and Gottsberg. To preserve the integrity of March Madness, both were placed in witness protection for the final, which was administered by professors from SDSU. Although the students

were sequestered, Gottsburg was still the target of bribes and threats. “One professor offered me $50,000 and a paid research opportunity if I simply failed the test,” said Gottsberg. “I was tempted to take the money when I remembered my mom telling me integrity is important. So I rejected the bribe, took the test, and stayed in crippling student debt. Mama would be so proud.” After the final test grades of the tournament came in, the winner of the bracket challenge was declared. The winner, Chancellor Khosla, said that he was “shocked and honored” to receive the $9,530 prize for his perfect bracket. “I am so happy to have won the bracket challenge,” said Khosla. “As I tallied the results, I was elated to see that I had won in a landslide, achieving the first ever perfect bracket. This is truly a wonderful ending for the inaugural March Madness tournament.”

10. Four sticks of unsalted butter 9. An aged Post-it note showing our one password 8. A positive pregnancy test 7. An umbrella — we’re saving it for a rainy day 6. The dried corpse of the turtle our dad said “ran away” seven years ago 5. Loose chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects, or other reproductive harm 4. Receipt for the gum we bought eight years ago in case we want to return it 3. That paper we got an A on in fifth grade 2. A do-not-resuscitate order 1. Enough strawberries to kill a man All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people is entirely a coinkydink.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 6

theMQ.org

March 9, 2022

the MQ plans a Spring BreaK Tr WHO WE’ll BRING WITH US • Stacy’s dad • All of the TAs who have ever given us partial credit • • • • • • • • • • A time displaced version of ourself that is knowingly causing a paradox by warning us which parties will get the cops called on us • • • • • • • • • • • • All three of the new pokemon starters • Ethan Johnson, our friend since middle school who has a Nintendo Switch

Washington, D.C.

To the kitchen and then back to our room seven times throughout the entire week

Top-rated Asian Fu restaurant P.F. Cha (as according to Y

MQ Office (starting point)

Th (don’t w wear s

CONVERSATION STARTERS FOR THE LONG CAR RIDE

• best places to hide a body in dayton, • which u.s. president had the seconddick game, apart from lyndon b. joh • blue’s clues color theory analys • the one time we guessed the wordle on the first try (30 minute long sto • how we have to go the bathroom a for the third time this hour

NUMBERS 47-51 ON OUR BUCK LIST WE aRE HOPING TO CHECK

[ ] Get soaped up for the jacuzzi [ ] Wrestle 500-pound fugitive bear Hank the Tank [ ] Complete a shit-ton of Wordles [ ] Dig up the nuts we hid last winter [ ] Drink four margaritas, then throw the wave pool

March 9, 2022

rip!

usion ang’s Yelp)

spring break is coming soon, and you know what that means ! no doing math, no sitting on our asses watching tv until the saturday before classes start while thinking, “what a waste,” waste,” and definitely no going into the pool without our floaties on, because safety always comes first. all that we have to do is gather four to five of our closest friends and go on a roadtrip through the best places the united states of america has to offer.

DESTINATIONS

Dayton, Ohio

he Sun worry, we’ll The grocery store to sunscreen) get five dozen eggs.

ohio d-best hnson sis word ory) again

KET K OFF

r w up in

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theMQ.org

Then, a quick stop at Ted Cruz’s pristine McMansion

The Mormon Garden of Eden in Missouri (misery)

The Bass Pro Shops Pyramid, the seventhlargest pyramid in the world

Toto, Africa

ONLY PACKING THE ESSENTIALS • Underwear with every day of the week embroidered on it • a tiny roast chicken and tiny cutlery • mom’s credit card • 9000 SPF sunscreen • the ultimate beach read:

Getting Pounded in the Butt by the Sexy and Funny Personification of Your College’s Premier Satire Newspaper by Charles Bingle • a backup copy of the constitution

theMQ.org

Page 8

Student Finds Four-Leaf Clover on Sun God Lawn, Wins Zoom Meeting With Leprechaun

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

“Ten more minutes and I’m lepre-GONE,” grumbled the leprechaun. BY MADELINE MOZAFARI Soc/Pub Settee

arlier this week, thirdyear UCSD student Stacey Greene was taking a break from her latest mental breakdown to lay in peace at the Sun God Field when she found a four-leaf clover. Stacey stated, “I was just lying there, ruminating on the three midterms I failed this quarter, my lack of a love and social life, and how underappreciated my cute outfits go in the lecture halls. As I picked at the clover field upon which my tired head rested, I found one with four leaves! At first I thought it was one of those tricky ones that actually has three leaves but looks like it has four, but I tri-

ple-checked it, and even had Sun God take a look for me. Sure enough, it was a lucky clover! I even saw a rainbow as I held my clover up to the sky to admire it. And to top it all off, I also got a Canvas notification that my professor was going to postpone my 5 a.m. midterm to 5:15 a.m. I’m the luckiest girl alive! “After deciding that this clover was, like, the epitome of good luck symbols, I emailed all my professors asking if I could ‘possibly, if it’s no problem, maybe get some extra credit, or even get to see my quiz answers so I could study better for the next test.’ They said ‘no,’ of course, but I wasn’t going to let that get me down. I chatted with my friends

about the situation and they told me I should email Chancellor Khosla to cheer myself up, because even if he didn’t reply, I could bless his inbox with another pointless email just like the ones we get every morning. So I emailed the Chancellor and told him about all my luck, and how St. Patrick’s Day is coming up soon. I also added, as a joke, that if he cared about his students at all he would do something nice to commemorate the moment I peaked in life, because it’s not like he was going to give a rat’s tushy wushy.” Chancellor Khosla replied, “Hi A17289315, I’m glad to hear about your lucky day on Sun God Lawn. For-

tunately for you, I just hired a leprechaun for the office. I like to watch him jig for me on my breaks. Anyway, I know you didn’t exactly find a pot of gold, but I could set up a Zoom meeting for the two of you. It could be just what you need to motivate you to pull those grades up and work on your mental health, because God knows you need that! Your Chancellor, Pradeep.” Stacey says her Zoom meeting is scheduled for 5 p.m. next Thursday, right after she finishes her MATH 18 quiz. She also says she plans to wear her “best fit” to “commemorate the fever-dream occasion” and will report back on whether the leprechaun is cute or not.

WHERE’S WALDO’S NEXT JOB?

Wallace Dónde Dónde Wallace OFFICIAL OFFI C IA L RESUME RE S U ME

Professional Summary

Found true love in 2015, now a proud stay-at-home dad; kids always know where he is (Life360). See pictures attached for his most treasures possessions.

Work History • • • • • • • •

1987–1995: Went around the world trying to find himself 1996: Got discovered … by a record label 1996–2007: Started jazz-funk fusion band, achieved platinum status on three albums 2007: Retired in the Hamptons 2007–2010: Faked own death to avoid alimony payments after three long, long years of an unhappy marriage 2010–2015: Came out of retirement as a private investigator for missing persons (takes one to know one) 2014–present: Two-term U.S. Senator from Wyoming 2020–present: Making and selling pottery at own shop: Wares Waldo (see business card attached)

Skills •

2015–present: Costco Gold Star Executive Member

Pictured: me and Wally, my evil twin who stole my identity and turned british

Education

From a young age Waldo struggled in school, going unnoticed by his peers and instructors, and didn’t receive the help he needed. Thus, Waldo got lost in the crowd of pubescent failures. his only solace,Wally, would eventually betray him. Tragic. His teacher never called on him :( The other kids mistook him for a target, like for abuse, on account of the stripes, so I learned to be good at hiding, hiding anywhere I can to avoid the expert aim of the children hunting me for sadistic juvenile sport It wasn’t just a hobby, it was survival. Funny how things work out...

My initial fondness for stripes started at my first haircut...

March 9, 2022

POINT

Posers Are Horrible and Ruin the Scene for Everybody BY BLAIR GRIFFITH

TikTok Goth Extraordinaire

verybody knows there’s nothing worse than a pretentious little braggart that thinks they know what they’re talking about. It seriously gets on my nerves. A lot of people try to call me out and tell me I’m the one who doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Well, get this through your puny brittle skull: I do. Everyone knows being goth is all about the look: black hair, chain accessories, and eyeliner sharper than an obsidian blade. Try to tell me I’m wrong. You can’t. I have Pinterest boards full of grainy, edited photos of hands holding roses, neon lights that say things like “it was just a kiss,” and people lighting cigarettes (I’m too young to smoke, but I do anyway ‘cause it’s an important part of the culture). Don’t get me wrong, the music matters too. I can’t believe half of the self-pro-

claimed “goths” I have to talk to haven’t even listened to a single song by the legendary musical ensemble that is Mother Mother. Also, don’t tell me you’re goth unless you’ve wallowed in self-hatred, while sitting in the shower fully clothed as “Burning Pile” plays on your phone’s shitty speakers. Now that is goth. Anyways, these people seriously don’t know what they’re talking about. Quit calling yourself goth if you don’t even know who Lil Peep is. Seriously.

COUNTERPOINT I Am Having So Much Fun and Everyone Likes Me! BY SUSAN SMITH

Humble Baby Bat h, you like Lil Peep? That’s cool, I like a pretty wide variety of music too! It’s not all darkwave and postpunk; I get what you’re going for. By the way, I really like your eye makeup! I’m trying to really master the Siouxsie Sioux look right now, but it’s tough to get it just right. I don’t even really like wearing it every day. Oh, you haven’t listened to Siouxsie and the Banshees yet? You should, they’re part of how I got into this whole scene. But I mean, I dunno, I like them a lot, but maybe there’s something even more goth that I haven’t found yet. Yeah, I’ve only really been dressing like this for six months or something. I can’t afford to do a complete overhaul of my wardrobe whenever I want. But I’ve liked the music for a little while, and I finally got a few good outfits I wear to clubs now. Yeah, there are a couple of them out here, but I don’t blame you for not knowing; you’d have to really look for them. Maybe I can take you next year, when

you’re 21? Oh, they play all kinds of stuff, I’m sure you’ll like it. Uh … no, I don’t think they’ve played Mother Mother before. I’m sure you could request it, though! Even the DJs are pretty approachable! Actually, now that you mention it, everyone I’ve met at clubs and stuff has been super friendly to me! They call me a “baby bat,” ‘cause I’m new to everything, but I’ve even shown some of them bands they haven’t listened to yet. Maybe you could show me some other cool bands sometime? You sure seem to know a lot about what it means to be goth!

TOP TEN

Candle Scents 10. Teen spirit 9. Burnt toast 8. Freshly cut gas line 7. Your fifth-grade classroom 6. The weird ice in the back of the freezer that your mom told you not to eat 5. A single drop of blood in the water 4. Mouthwatering floor pizza 3. Ego death 2. Sharpie 1. Distilled essence of fire

Edit: Omg, thx for the likes!!

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

theMQ.org

March 9, 2022

Philosophy Student Mistakes Thought for Mind-Blowing Epiphany

Page 9

EDITORIAL White People Can Handle Spicy Food and You’re Going to Watch Me Prove It

BY DOC PEPPER

H PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Michael of Temecula recently took his Minions out to dinner, only to complain, “This is the last supper! You guys cost way too much money.” don’t think any other mortal maybe he was just leaving “Mikey’s okay, I just called BY SHARON ROTH is physically or spiritually ca- another voicemail for his exhim,” Briefcase said, then Graphics Editor

ike “Michael” Johnson, a fourth-year chemical engineering major from Temecula, reportedly experienced something which was, in his own words, “unlike anything [he] had ever experienced before, like ever.” Johnson, who is currently fulfilling one of his general education requirements by taking PHIL 47: Ethics for Ethically Dubious People, was left dazed after experiencing a reported paradigm shift while writing his final paper for the class. “I think a higher power was speaking through me at that moment,” said Johnson, “because I have never experienced such clarity. I was sitting there, typing up some bullshit, when something profound occured to me. I was engulfed in a sea of calm, which usually only happens when I’m surfing, but this time I wasn’t even in the water. I wish I could explain the worldshifting epiphany I had, but I

pable of this level of thinking. I realized that people … should be nice to each other.” The PHIL 47 professor, Dr. Justine Thyme, declined to comment on Johnson’s contribution to her class. However, it was later discovered that she left lengthy comments on his essay, including a note reading, “I’m so glad you think people should be nice to each other, but the prompt was ‘Argue whether or not violent dissent is a morally correct form of protest.’ C-.” Several students, however, found Johnson’s words insightful. “Mikey is a straightup religious prophet,” claimed Johnson’s best friend, Shiloh Briefcase. “After he turned in that essay, he reserved a space in the CS dungeon to meet with some of our friends, but ever since he started those meetings he’s been growing this weird, patchy beard and calling us his disciples. I totally support it though. I even heard him talking to God on the phone the other day! Or

girlfriend. It’s hard to tell.” Juniper Dagwood, who has religiously attended all of Johnson’s meetings, shared some of the rituals incorporated into the weekly sit-downs. “I barely know Michael of Temecula, but he said it’s okay for me to use his nickname. He said any of Michael’s Minions can use it,” began Dagwood, showing off a friendship bracelet given only to Minions. “Anyway, he always starts meetings by sharing his teachings. It’s usually a quote from an Instagram infographic. I gotta say, his online following is almost as impressive as his spiritual one.” Briefcase admitted that he had not seen his friend in several days after Johnson was hospitalized for a head injury. An eyewitness in Revelle College claimed that they saw Johnson fall after unsuccessfully climbing “What Hath God Wrought.” Upon hearing this, Briefcase assured anyone who would listen that Johnson sustained no serious injuries.

hurriedly proclaimed to some worried Michael’s Minions, “It appears that Michael of Temecula, He Who Has Discovered the Truth, climbed “What Hath God Wrought” because he was trying to communicate with the heavens. The knowledge he obtained from this brave quest left his physical body feeble, but his mind more powerful than ever.” “Mikey’s started performing miracles. He walked on a puddle of water and didn’t even slip. And today at our weekly meeting he turned some water into Kool-Aid,” said Briefcase. “It was awesome. As in, I was filled with awe, but it was also sick as fuck. He did it so fast I didn’t even see him open the KoolAid packet and pour it in.” Sources later confirmed that Johnson’s horde of followers, both eager to absorb their prophet’s wisdom and thirsty after the five-hour meeting, enthusiastically drank the Kool-Aid.

YouTube Daredevil

ey guys! Welcome back to another challenge video. Now, you may have heard the misconception that White people can’t handle spicy foods, so we here at DareTube are taking that as a challenge. So, all you DareDevils at home, have your phones in hand and get ready to call 911, cause we’re about to set this place on fiyah! That’s right, I said 9-1-1. Please don’t forget it. 9-1-1. To start off this challenge, I’m actually doing a collab with my inspiration, Don Sean Evans. I’m going to eat a total of 100 spicy wings while he asks me a question. The question will be, “Do you need medical help?” My response will be — spoiler alert — “I love it!” As some of y’all know, I’m from Texas, so I was raised on authentic spicy food, like chile rellenos, pico de gallo, and one-half-fire-emoji-rated salsa. You know, recipes that my ancestors found laying around somewhere, around the time Christopher Columbus slaughtered his way through the New World. In honor of that heritage, I’m going to make a traditional habanero salsa and inject it straight into my bloodstream. After that, to really put my spice tolerance to the test, my friends here in the black suits are going to waterboard me in a tub of Tabasco and spank my pasty little ass until I tell them what they want to know … which is, of course, “I love it!”

Meanwhile, these fine gentlemen will stuff seven Moruga scorpions sequentially into my rectum, only because I was told it’s either that, or actual scorpions. At this point, I may start to turn “stoplight red” (which means keep going and hope your truck is big enough to survive getting Tboned in that intersection). It’s really just another shade of white. Still, I think the medically inadvisable range of the spectrum suggests a little exotic spice, you know? Much like the exotic spices that will soon be packed into my nostrils until they’re seasoning my frontal lobe. Of course, all I will think is “I love it!” The next part I won’t spoil, because it’s going to be released as OnlyFans-exclusive content. But let’s just say they’ve found new ways to violate me that I can’t legally discuss on this website. My safeword is “more,” and my debt is crippling. Please consider donating to my Patreon if you haven’t already. A pledge of just one dollar contributes to the possibility that these exotic torture artists will let see my family again someday. Don’t forget to try the Please Help challenge at home, and send in all your videos for me or my next of kin to watch! #PleaseHelpTheyWontLetMeLeaveChallenge. Let’s get it trending y’all, preferably quickly. Oh, I almost forgot — shout-out to Red Bull for sponsoring this video. They didn’t give me money like I hoped, but they did give me all these wings. Unfortunately, mafia debts and hospital bills can’t be paid in spicy wings. So remember to donate, my DareDevils, and subscribe for more televised human suffering!

MAD QUIBS Barista Brawl

Crypt-O’-Currency

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

theMQ.org

Page 10

Local Gamer Tragically Latches on to Cool Character in Elden Ring

March 9, 2022

EDITORIAL

No, I Won’t Close My Tabs, They All Have Really Important Stuff on Them

BY T. ABBY RICHARD

Tab Connoisseur ou will never get me to close my tabs. Every single one of them has vitally important content. What if I need to reference the WikiHow page for drying gym shorts in a microwave? What would I do then? Google it, like some idiot? Absolutely not. These tabs are the Swiss Army Knife of my computer. You can have your “efficiency” and “lack of attachment issues.” I’ll take the sheer utility of knowing exactly where I can find a full PDF copy of Fyodor Dostoevsky’s classic 19th-century novel The Brothers Karamazov in Tagalog for free. I remember when I was a young man, newly emerged from the crucible of childhood. Like a little infant, I was helpless, and did the only sensible thing: I began browsing. I signed up for an email account, and earned my first tab. That very first tab has always stuck with me. Unfortunately, I forgot the password some time later. Now I can’t close the tab or I’ll never be able to read emails from all these poor women who lack clothing, and my pen pal Ade, the Nigerian prince I helped all those years ago. I have since expanded my horizons. A lot of these tabs are from that one tough

Y “I don’t know why my friends are so worried about him getting kilned. He is a pot,” Cano noted. BY ANDREW SITKO

Managing Editor

ilith Cano, a 23-yearold trans woman playing Elden Ring, has recently latched onto a cauldron named Alexander. Her friends report that she cannot stop raving about “how cute the little pot man is,” and “how noble his ceramic soul is.” When she further expressed her desire to bond with this “ceramic sweetheart,” her friend group admitted their difficulty in conveying to her the high likelihood that Alexander the Cauldron will perish soon after his meeting with Cano. Alice Montag, a close friend of Cano, stated, “Lilith just started raving about how cute this little pot guy in Elden Ring is, and how he has a remarkably macho persona for such a weak little guy. She loves to talk about how noble he is and how his quest is so brave. She keeps talking

about defeating the final boss with him like you can do with Solaire … and I just don’t know how to break it to her that the little pot guy will be shattered to pieces a minute after you complete his final quest. Like, she’s playing Elden Ring. What did she expect?” James “Shag” Wojcik, another friend in the group, who has requested to go by “Shag,” expanded, “I tried really hard to push the idea to Lilith that maybe Alexander doesn’t get off so well in a story written by Hidetaka Miyazaki and George R. R. Martin. I was just bringing up names from other Souls games and Game of Thrones to try and make her realize. Whenever she would bring up Alexander, I would be like, "oh yeah, his character type reminds me of Big Hat Logan, or Ned Stark, or the pyromancer, or Daenerys Targaryen, or Siegmeyer, or Siegmund, or … ” Wojcik then wandered off before

continuing, “Hey, you’re going to say that I go by Shag, right? ’Cause that's really my name. I’m legally changing it soon! Shag is a very normal name; it's like a gender neutral Shaggy. No, not shag like sex, shag like Shaggy! Got it?” One friend, Sarah Rowe, had no concerns at all for Cano and Alexander. Rowe explained, “I don’t know why everyone is so upset with Lilith liking Alexander. I never got into those Dark Souls games, and honestly they seem like a lot of work for what is probably a really linear story with unmemorable characters and stupid gimmicks. I’m sure Alexander is a fine character and is going to become Lilith’s favorite follower, and they’ll be just as inseparable as me and Veronica in Fallout: New Vegas. Dark Souls tries to market itself on being all dark and foreboding, but you are literally playing as a survivor

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH in a nuclear fallout scenario, just like in Fallout: New Vegas. Nothing gets darker and drearier than that, so why bother playing a lesser version? No sane person would continue to play a game with fun and enjoyable characters that just get picked off randomly, right? Cano’s friend group ultimately decided to buy all of her comfort foods and arrange a movie night for when “Alexander gets shattered and Lilith’s heart follows suit.” Cano ultimately said, “I really don’t understand if my friends are trying to allude to something whenever I mention Alexander. Every time I bring him up, it gets all quiet and weird. Maybe they just don’t like him? It really doesn’t matter anyway; I’ve found another truly adorable character! I can’t wait to fight the final boss with my best friends in tow!”

Susan Bagel It was a good day today — at least, it seemed so at first. My afternoon was free, so I decided to do a little self-care. My motherin-law said that I’ve been looking a bit tired lately. Plus, my fifteenth anniversary with Mr. Bagel is coming up, so of course I wanted to look my best for the love of my life. If only I had known the depths of anguish I would experience later in the day. The hairdresser was kind, and she talked to me all throughout the session. Her own hair was a gorgeous shade of chocolate brown, strands catching at her sharp jawline and caressing it lightly. She had this habit of pulling two strands from opposite sides of my head together to check the length, and her arms enveloped me everytime she went to check if her work was even. I admired her dedication to perfection. I envied it, almost. So much of baking is exact, but I always feel like there is some minor error every time I put a cake in the oven. My mother-inlaw always notices these things — a minute overbaked, a sprinkle too much of sugar — but I couldn’t find fault in the hairdresser. I looked in the mirror and saw one bright, happy woman talking to another. We

talked for so long, the hairdresser and I. But we talked for too long. I didn’t let the poor girl know that she had hacked off half of my hair, but as I was paying, it was all I could do to hold my sobs in until I could get to my car. I reapplied my makeup and had just enough time to make it to the parking lot to pick up my kids. I waited there, imagining their condemnation, and how their jeers would pale in comparison to the awful derision of my husband’s. How silly I must look, I thought to myself contemptuously, how strange. It seemed the shape of my face was entirely changed. I looked in the mirror. I almost didn’t recognize myself. My kids hopped in the car, excitedly telling me about how their days went. I encouraged the conversation, knowing that, once that was finished, they would hone in on my plight. But they didn’t. And neither did Mr. Bagel. No one noticed. How? It was obvious –– it was glaring. A fundamental part of me had been changed, had been lessened, and they carried on, too far inside their own lives to notice mine breaking apart like overbaked cheesecake crust. How could they not notice? I was a facsimile

of myself, a substitution where there should have been an original. Is there not something lost, when a part of the whole changes? Does the whole not miss the part? Tonight, I had invited my mother-in-law over for tea and attempted a vegan cheesecake. I had spent all week mulling over cheese substitutions –– a flax egg, blended tofu, tenderly mashed bananas. She noticed I hadn’t swept the flour that dusted the floor after the morning’s baking frenzy. She noticed my daughter was wearing the same outfit as she was yesterday. But she did not notice my hair –– which I measured to be two and a half inches shorter, not even including the soft, blended layers that my kind hairdresser had so agonized over. How much can you remove before anyone notices you’ve changed anything at all? Mr. Bagel has been so distant lately. He shoveled his fork mechanically into the cheese-free cheesecake I made tonight, making the same expression he makes towards all my desserts. As always, I don’t eat the finished product until everyone has gone to bed. Right before he went to bed, I looked into my husband's eyes, seeing my own face reflected back. Would I still be Susan if

math class I took, “Introduction to Arithmetic.” I can’t forget about the hundreds of tabs dedicated solely to StackOverflow answers on how to print a string but without the capital letters. Or those times I had to look up the differences between MLA and Chicago style. If not for these tabs, I wouldn’t know that the main difference is that annoying nerds like MLA and slightly less annoying nerds like Chicago. So yes, it is a ridiculous idea for me to even think of closing my tabs. They are little artifacts of my life. I have tabs from that period when I was really into DIY room decor, so I can always reference “How to Make Your Own Wallpaper.” I still have a page where I can view my ex-girlfriend’s private Instagram account. No, it is not creepy. I’m just looking. She doesn’t even know. And closing it at this point would be weirder, probably. Yes, there may be some downsides to my philosophy. Yes, my computer does occasionally roar with the force of a small jet engine. Yes, my neighbors have filed noise complaints. The excess heat from my laptop has left burn marks on my thighs. But these minor inconveniences are worth the reward. The feeling of warmth, of comfort, of never letting go. I welcome the sweet decadence of the internet into my life. I have at least eight different tabs simultaneously playing music. I do not know where they are. Yet, somehow, the melody resonates through this eclectic cacophony. I am at one with my tabs. They will never be closed. And honestly, at this point, the tabs are too small for me to find the little ‘x’ button. I couldn’t close them if I wanted to.

TOP TEN

Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life I didn’t bake a cheesecake every Sunday? Would I still be Susan if I didn’t hold on to the love Mr. Bagel and I once shared? It’s too late to know, too late to make a substitution. Was there love? I can’t remember anymore. There must have been. There had to have been. Would anyone notice if I became who I wasn’t? If I became who I could be? Not that I would dare do such a thing. I am Susan Bagel. I bake cheesecakes every Sunday. I care for my wonderful husband and my children. I feel so hollow. I feel so empty, like a cheesecake mixture that is trying to be something it isn’t, ingredients swapped and changed to such an extent that it fails to spread evenly over the pan. No one cares that my weekly cheesecake changed. No one cares, I realized, except for me. My own memories. They’re all that’s left of me now. Memories of a time before, when I looked in a mirror, and saw a bright, happy woman, talking to another. I try a bite of the cheesecake in the refrigerator light. It’s disgusting. I have another. Anyway, here’s the recipe: 1. Prepare the cheesecake 2. Remove everything that brings even a shred of joy 3. Bake. Serve. Attempt to enjoy.

10. Cumin 9. Do it in bed 8. A scoreboard and referee 7. Surprise circumcision 6. Speaking strictly in early modern English 5. An elaborate pulley mechanism that eliminates any need for manual motion 4. Talk about the tax benefits of having children 3. Filibuster 2. Clap-activated lights 1. Guilt

A young Richard Nixon at the kickball field.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

March 9, 2022

theMQ.org

April Fools’ Day Comes to Campus One Month Early, Incites Chaos

Page 11

Student Procrastinating at the Beach Discovers the Tides of March

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA “Oh shit, a double April Fools’!” exclaimed one student, who took a bite of Jell-O-encased Geisel and realized it was fruit punch flavored and not strawberry. BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA “While weaving through tops, and broke them over shall, to set off and scare Design Thumb

arch of 2022 has been proclaimed a month that “will forever live in infamy in the annals of UCSD history.” This is largely thanks to a month-long prank battle, which resulted in the destruction of the Thurgood Marshall dorms, as well as the Chancellor’s erasure of April 1 from the calendar and the word “fool” from the dictionary. This series of events can all be traced back to a defective alarm clock and a decaffeinated coffee. “I woke up at 11 a.m. on March 1 and felt a wave of panic sweep over me when I saw the time,” Carmen McNobrakes said. “I knew that I had to hurry if I was gonna make my 11:15 lecture, so I grabbed a cup of coffee and stumbled to my car. What I didn’t realize was that the coffee I grabbed was actually my roommate’s decaf.”

traffic, I realized I had forgotten to tie my shoes,” McNobrakes continued. “As I bent down to tie them, I heard a scream and felt my car soar through the air until it crashed into the administration building! When I came to, I was sitting in my car, on the Chancellor’s desk, who looked shocked and enraged,” McNobrakes said. “I panicked, yelled, ‘April fool!’ and sprinted to my lecture. I was only 45 minutes late, and when I got back to my car, there was a ticket on my windshield. I thought that would be the end of that, but it was just the beginning of something bigger.” After recovering from what Khosla called "the greatest April Fools’ prank ever," the Chancellor decided to spread the spirit to the staff. “I love to watch prank videos on Facebook, especially Jake Paul,” said Khosla. “So I ran into lecture halls, stole professors’ lap-

my knee. It was an epic and harmless prank enjoyed by everyone, and what happened next was in no way my fault at all.” “Khosla went crazy,” said freshman May Ham. “He ran into my CHEM 7A lecture, smashed the professor’s laptop, and ran out screaming, ‘It’s just a prank bro! April Fools’, bitches!” But soon after, the staff had collectively had enough. Pop-up midterms became common, dragging the campuswide average GPA to a record-low 0.42. “Why did the professors punish us?” said Ham. “I didn’t break their laptops, why should I suffer? The only logical thing to do was seek revenge.” “We had to pull off the ultimate prank, one that would show the professors and Khosla that we meant business,” said senior Missy Sheif. “We gathered all the fireworks we could illegally obtain and hid them in Mar-

everyone when the time was right. Unfortunately, a student’s vape caught on fire, igniting the fireworks and blowing up Thurgood Marshall College.” After 31 days of chaos, resulting in thousands of students becoming homeless or injured, it was April 1. “I was terrified. I hid in a corner of Geisel trembling in fear,” said sophomore Oprol Falls. “The only person on campus who still seemed to be enjoying the pranks was Chancellor Khosla, who had gained a cult following in Azerbaijan for his prank vlogs.” Khosla’s enthusiasm ended by noon, when he bent down to pick up a nickel and found it glued to the floor. “How could anyone be this cruel?” said Khosla. “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. April Fools’ is hereby banned from UCSD, and anyone who attempts a prank will be executed.”

GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR BRIEF SELF-PROCLAIMED “MAIN CHARACTER” DIES AFTER PARACHUTELESS SKYDIVING ATTEMPT Widespread panic was reported in a small suburb outside San Diego this weekend when a “flying, screaming man” fell out of the sky. Sources later confirmed that this was none other than local micro celebrity John “Aristotle Rex” Smith, who made headlines last year after being arrested for breaking into local homes and running headfirst into wardrobes. An in-hospital interview conducted after his “parachuteless skydiving” attempt revealed he originally planned on “manifesting my full power and harnessing the strength of the four winds to soar away from you petty mortals and your problems.” Smith went on to detail his contingency plan should his first flight fail, passionately stating, “The fact that I’m still alive is just proof that the writers won’t let me die. I’m far too important to the plot.” Smith is known for his other appearances on the local news — namely for his numerous failed attempts at walking on water, which has cost the Coast Guard an estimated 1.2 million dollars in their numerous rescue attempts. When asked about his repeated failures, he replied, “Those terrible reviews are all noise from my talentless critics that have been paid off by the big publishing houses.”

UKRAINE MOVES COUNTRY TO THE MIDDLE OF RUSSIA On Tuesday morning, Russian farmers were surprised by the sight of the nation of Ukraine in their backyards, after Ukraine’s populace picked up their entire country and set it in Russia overnight. The nation pulled off the daring move after President Volodymyr Zelenskyy decided that the war had gone on long enough, and Ukraine needed to end it. Ukrainians reportedly waited for nightfall and tiptoed past the sleeping Russian troops. By dawn, the Russian troops were baffled, with President Putin calling this “the worst thing to happen to Russia since me.” Zelenskyy came up with the plan a week into the conflict. “I knew we couldn’t hold the Russians off for much longer, and the Ghost of Kiev could only do so much. We had to revolutionize warfare for the better.” “We knew the Russian troops would stop their attack for the night because we had left millions of rubles on the street for them to gather,” Ukrainian citizen Yevheniya Bronislavivna said. “The Ukranians outsmarted me,” a solemn Putin said while surrendering. “It's not every day I find someone smarter than me. Thank God I’m still voted ‘sexiest shirtless, horse-riding man alive.’”

STUDENT CREATES ONE DEAD AND THREE HOBBIT-HOLE OUT OF INJURED IN EMOTIONDORM ROOM, LISTS IT ALLY CHARGED CAR ON AIRBNB RIDE Mackenzie Richards, a third-year mechanical engineering major and business minor, has transformed her dorm room in Rita Atkinson Residences into a Lord of the Rings-inspired “hobbit-hole.” After completing the transformation of her “generic, cinder block dorm room” into a “luscious, cottagecore, homey environment fit for any selfrespecting resident of the Shire,” Richards listed her room on the popular hospitality site Airbnb. When interviewed, Richards stated, “I mean, as a girlboss entrepreneur, I knew I had to do something about my drab dorm room. It was totally killing my vibe! So I just bought plant after thriving plant, and before I knew it, my room was so green it reminded me of a hobbithole. That’s when the idea to make it an Airbnb hit me. I stay with my parents in La Jolla Shores a lot of the time anyway, and I could really use some extra spending money.” Her roommate, Sadie Howard, had a lot to say about Richards’ listing. “At first I didn’t love the random guests coming in and using my stuff for just a couple days at a time, but I found out I could make them leave when I started imitating Gollum late at night and making them lose their precious minds.”

“It was a bloodbath, emotionally speaking,” confided Orin Euphrate. “Technically no one died. It was more of a spiritual death than anything, with Constance being immediately reborn as a healthier, more centered person. Trina, Reed, and Rosemarie all agree.” The incident Euphrate mentioned was a ninehour-long car ride from San Diego to San Francisco, undertaken by Euphrate and their four friends. The first four hours were primarily spent listening to music and discussing various TV shows. Four and a half hours in, however, Rosemarie Stephens mentioned the pressure she was under, trying to maintain her grades while in the throes of a depressive episode. “After that, the floodgates opened. First, Reed admitted his fears that he would need to rethink his entire career path. Trina quietly said that she thought that we would grow tired of her quirks just like everyone else. I, of course, was exempt from emotional upheaval, as they needed me to drive the 3,000 pound vehicle moving at 80 miles per hour,” Euphrate explained. “Then the song “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman came on, and no one was safe. Constance just started bawling, and wouldn’t stop until we saw the Golden Gate Bridge. She's fine now. Therapy.”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “You’re going to get good news,” remarked Wyrd with her newfound wisdom. “But take care to avoid anything that makes you sad, which could drastically change your fate.” BY ANIELA DRUMONDE Editor-in-Chief

rmengarde Wyrd, while at the beach this past Saturday, witnessed a never-before-seen phenomenon her followers are now calling “The Tides of March.” These “Tides of March,” which were claimed to be “slightly warmer waves that one would expect in this weather,” and carried the “ominous tidings of plastic bags and other garbage to the shore,” have reportedly granted Wyrd with insights about other people. Since then, Wyrd has begun divining such things as students’ failing grades, greatest weaknesses, and concealed animosity towards their friends. “It was a gray, dismal day when I first came upon the Great Sighting,” began Wyrd. “The sun was blotted out by the clouds like gray ink on a page, and I, ignorant of what was to come, was in the midst of escaping the troubles that chased after me; troubles hanging over my head like a cloud that blots out my thoughts like … uh … ” She trailed off, then said, “Well. Long story short: I was procrastinating this essay I had to write by going to the beach, which I knew wasn’t going to be crowded because the weather forecast promised rain. Now, I don’t usually trust stuff like that –– you know, pseudoscience –– but I’m glad I did this time. I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t been blessed with this forbidden knowledge.” Wyrd paused, then said, “Wait, actually I do know where I’d be: at my desk completing that essay I got a failing grade on. Huh.” Wyrd initially had no idea what she had witnessed. It was only hours later that she was given her first “vision.” This was the knowledge that the paper she was writing, with the prompt, “Argue whether or not violent dissent is a morally correct

form of protest,” would have little to no effect on her major: Marine Biology. It was then, she claimed, that she knew she had been given a gift that could not be understood by modern science. “The knowledge always comes to me quite suddenly,” explained Wyrd. “It’s like gut instinct. People come to me, wanting to know themselves, and I just tell them. It’s not that hard. I find it's never good to actually give people an accurate answer –– just to placate their own insecurities. Sometimes annoying people ask me questions, but it’s such fun getting to tell them how they’ll die. They usually leave me alone after that!” Since then, Wyrd has been supplementing her income by charging fellow UCSD students for her visions. “Her predictions aren’t an exact science,” said Muir student Amy Let, “But that hasn’t stopped me from basing my entire life choices around them. I’m seeing signs everywhere –– signs that tell me exactly what I’ll do with my life. Thank God! Ever since Ermengarde told me what kind of person I was, I haven’t needed to look inward once. Also, she told me that I’ll be betrayed by the one closest to me, on a Tuesday.” “I’m so glad that I’m using my powers for good,” said Wyrd, in the middle of telling a mechanical engineering major that they should go into aerospace engineering. “People I’ve talked to must feel so free once they realize that I know all the answers to their personal motivations, and also what they should be looking for in a romantic partner. People are so much neater once they’ve been categorized into easily distinguishable groups! Maybe I should use my powers to assign people their personality types by what phase of the moon they were born under. Or is that too out there?”

It'll all be over soon THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

theMQ.org

Page 12

* Breakfast the NYT mini crossword * Lunch the fruits of our labor * Dinner commemorative Scooby-Doo mac ‘n’ cheese from 2006

1. flirt with every person in the Zoom DMs simultaneously 2. whenever possible, screen share ourselves playing Papa’s Pizzeria like a Twitch streamer 3. raise our hands and then say nothing when we’re called on

March 9, 2022

The MQ Plans Their Day [ ] wash our face with 6-in-1 shampoo [ ] dry our face by dipping it in glutenfree flour [ ] exfoliate with sand

[ ] rinse and repeat [ ] procrastinate on writing articles for the MQ [ ] attempt to freeze the midnight oil [ ] wake up (Evanescence style)

x use eloquent phrases and lengthy paragraphs in our manner of speaking in order to convey, to some extent, ideas which could be said in short bursts of perceived inspiration; to posit, in essence, what could be said in a brief manner, befitting of lowered attention, something entirely different; much longer and more verbose: i.e. to say absolutely nothing when saying something x every time someone makes a joke, look sternly at them and then the whiteboard and notch one line at either “funny” and “not funny” x after every joke is made, participate in the required five-minute group laugh