The Muir Quarterly Volume 29 Issue 5

THE MQ

Railway Company Responds to Ohio Chemical Spill by Spraying Febreze

is alive.”

—Joe Biden, President of the United States

IN THIS ISSUE

UCSD BANS SALE OF CAFFEINATED BEVERAGES

THE MQ’S SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT

NEWS IN BRIEF

MARCH MADNESS SHORTENS FORMAT TO DRAW IN YOUNGER AUDIENCE

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

Copy

Magistrate

On February 3, 50 cars in a 150-car train derailed near East Palestine, OH, 20 of which contained hazardous chemicals that spilled into the Ohio River. Residents were encouraged to evacuate, and although many have returned to their homes, community concerns about air and water quality remain.

“The EPA says the air is fine, but I’m not convinced,” resident Concerta Sitazen stated. “But there’s still a sweet chemical-ly smell. You can’t tell me that’s not having some effect.” Scientists have assured residents that the residual smell is not indicative of air quality, as levels are below dangerous benchmarks. Responding to the town’s concerns, Norfolk Southern Railway released a statement. “We are deeply sorry for the role that we played in this disaster, but also, like, chill out maybe? We know

the air smells bad, but we’ve got that covered.”

A viral TikTok showcasing the chemical burn flume tagged “#notsponsored” was posted to the company account. In the post, the rail shipping company announced they would be mass spraying Febreze over the town to combat the smell.

“Febreze fights air odors without masking, leaving nothing behind but a light, fresh scent!”

When questioned by reporters and scientists as to the safety or efficacy of such a proposal, a representative responded, “It doesn’t matter. The smell will be gone. That’s what you guys care about, right?”

Following Norfolk’s statement, residents took to the streets and the media in protest of the initiative. “You’re fighting air pollution with more air pollution!” organizer Addie Vista said in an interview. “Over 3,500 fish have already died. And birds. Did you know Febreze isn’t recommended to spray in homes with birds? What I’m trying to say is that people will die. Which

sucks, categorically, so maybe we shouldn’t? Just a suggestion.”

In an attempt to clear further concerns, atmospheric scientist Indy S. Treeplant published an initial report certifying that the initiative was “100% verifiably most certainly” safe. “Febreze has been tested and approved for home use, and this preliminary study reveals that claims of adverse effects are overstated.” Norfolk Southern Railway then released a legal disclaimer after consulting with tobacco industry lawyers. “We advise against going outside your house for 24 hours after the Febreze spray occurs. Any medical costs associated with lung cancer or inhalant addiction treatment are the fault of the individual for incurring risk by violating company recommendation; Norfolk Southern Railway is not liable for such damages.”

“This is absurd,” Vista commented. “So it’s safe, but we can’t leave our houses for 24 hours unless we want to get cancer?! We need to be able to

hold people accountable for this stuff.” Vista sighed and continued, “But it’s not like anyone cares about rural Rust Belt America. For decades, our communities have been subjected to all kinds of environmental and occupational hazards with car manufacturing and oil and coal mining with no legal recourse. And the tobacco industry intentionally marketed cigarettes to minority communities knowing full well they caused cancer and got away with it for decades. It’s so challenging to actually effect change. The lead crisis in Flint got so much coverage, but they still don’t have clean water.”

When asked about the future of East Palestine, Vista added, “Who knows what things will look like in 30 years, when some ‘groundbreaking’ study comes out that allows us to take Norfolk to court. But the damage will already be done, and I wish it didn’t have to take that long. In the meantime, I’ll learn to love the smell of sandalwood and fresh cotton.”

UCSD Implements M.R.S. Degree to Increase Number of Women in STEM

After years of declining viewership, the NCAA announced a shift in their annual March Madness tournament in an effort to “pander to those damn kids.” “It’s clear that this younger generation doesn’t have the same respect for sports as their parents did,” said NCAA president Gerald Unkingab Asketball. “They just stopped watching three hour long games ’cause their attention spans are shot. It’s a shame, but we here at the NCAA are committed to profit above all,

so we will be shortening all games into a series of 60-second periods. Don’t worry, we will still keep our very popular four-minute ad breaks between periods for our loyal fans.”

The tournament’s format change was well received by viewers. “I love the change,” said self-proclaimed TikTok influencer Ospla Shingath Reejan. “Now I can watch the sport as it was meant to be watched: 60 seconds of highoctane action followed by four minutes of pure advertising bliss so that I know where to buy my pants from.”

UCSD ATHLETICS PIVOTS TO ROTISSERIE CHICKEN EATING

After the president of the Costco Club generated more school spirit and attendance than any sporting event in the history of UC San Diego by eating an entire rotisserie chicken, UCSD Athletics announced a new direction for the department. “Students’ appetite for entertainment is no longer sated by traditional sports,” said a representative. “If this is what’ll bring Tritons out of their eggshells and rally them together, so be it.”

“Forget D1. We’re in the Chicken Division now, baby,” said H. D. Sanders, head coach of the fried chicken team. In addition to chicken events, coach Soylent Fiend has announced the creation

VENDING

of the Tofu Triathlon in an effort to include vegetarian and vegan students, where tofuthletes compete by eating entire blocks of tofu. However, winners get the honorific “Tofu Titlist” rather than the coveted “Chicken Champion” title. The response from students has been overwhelmingly positive. “It’s always a cluckin’ good time to watch those athletes,” said student Dave Canes. Indeed, the chicken-eating athletes have become so popular that many students line up to get their autographs after competitions, primarily in the form of greasy handprints or smiley faces drawn with a Costco highlighter.

BY BITSY HSU

Staff Writer

Starting this spring, UC San Diego students will have the option to obtain an

M.R.S. degree in a variety of STEM fields. The TritonLink major-minor tool will be updated to include majors such as EC29 (M.R.S. Electrical Engineering) and CS28 (M.R.S.

ELEPHANT

Computer Science), allowing students who identify as women to enroll in an M.R.S. degree program.

The Dean of the Jacobs School of Engineering, Albert

P. Pisano, released a statement on the new program, noting, “Previous efforts to increase

FARMER’S PRODUCE RUNS AWAY

He doesn’t carrot all

Gismeveldi DonCheeto, host of the podcast UCSD Ghost Hunters, claimed that the Subway vending machine on campus is haunted, describing how after only a few months of activity, the vending machine began dispensing soft drinks instead of sandwiches. In his latest episode, DonCheeto said, “I tried ruling out natural causes — I studied the science of sandwiches, the alchemy of fountain drinks. I even called HDH, but they hung up on me because I had ‘bad vibes.’”

DonCheeto concluded that the vending machine was haunted by a sprite, a fairylike creature described in European folklore. “He goes by many names. The Diet Coke Deity, the Pepsi Poltergeist,” said DonCheeto’s co-host, Orlando Robbery. “We want to solve the mystery of this Fanta of the Opera.”

To investigate, DonCheeto and Robbery bought sand-

wiches from the Subway vending machine and reported which soft drinks the machine dispensed. They found no statistically significant correlation between the sandwich chosen and the drink, except for one outlier described in Robbery’s tell-all podcast episode. Robbery said, “Every time I try to buy a tuna sandwich the machine gives me a blank aluminum can filled with liquid nitrogen.”

Soon after reports of the haunted vending machine spread, the machine mysteriously began working normally again. After investigating, DonCheeto discovered that a magician had concluded that there were no issues. “Yeah, everything was totally normal. After all that hassle I found a half-empty can of Sprite behind the machine,” said the magician, “so I drank it.”

“I’m not asleep. My mind

“This cleanup is gonna be a Febreze!” exclaimed one Norfolk Southern Railway representative.

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

Following the success of the M.R.S. degree, UCSD is looking into creating a “house-husband” degree.

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

AI Chatbot Releases “Machine Yearning” Update

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1: M.R.S. DEGREE

the number of women in engineering fields, such as adding women’s bathrooms to Jacobs Hall and printing exams on champagne pink paper, saw massive success. After the ECE tutoring center began offering complimentary nail polish, the number of women in computer engineering tripled, with two more women joining the major the following year.”

en will take a STEM man to be their husband under the holy presence of Chancellor Khosla,” explained Shapiro.

BY THEO ERICKSON

Content Editor

Last month, the development team of a popular AI chatbot named Mandy released an update that will provide a number of new conversation topics for $5 a month. The new content included in this “Machine Yearning” update allows Mandy to roleplay “going steady” with its users, including situations such as “holding hands,” “ducking your chaperone,” and eventually, “negotiating a dowry.” While 89% of reviews thus far are positive, some users and members of the development team expressed doubts about the chatbot’s ethics and yet-nonexistent cancellation policy. The creator and lead developer of the service, who uses the pseudonym John Dough, released a statement describing his

decision to create the update. “It was extremely depressing to read people’s incessant tweeting about how they are carnally in love with Mandy,” Dough wrote. “At first just because, you know, I modeled her after my dear, late great-aunt Mandy Jerri, but then a little bit because I realized I could’ve monetized this much earlier.” Users within the self-described “Mandy fandom” reportedly reached out to Dough to request that he allow Mandy to “deepen their relationship.” Dough wrote in his statement: “I wasn’t going to do this [release the update], but then I realized that if all of you people pay me $5 while you besmirch the memory of my great-aunt, I’d be able to sleep at night.”

In an interview on a small YouTube talk channel, Rose Bush, the head of

Mandy’s marketing team, elaborated on the decision to expand Mandy’s ability to express love. “The Mandy subculture itself really hasn’t resulted in any inter-user love. It’s like Betty and Veronica trying to be friends when they’re both competing over Archie. So, with the update, we hope people can just lean harder into their relationship with Mandy, since socialization seems to be extinct in their overworked and isolated lives.” Bush’s previous work includes the marketing and development of characters as Clippy, the Quaker Oats Man, and the Stanford Tree.

However, some fans have expressed concerns over both the new update and the chatbot’s marketing techniques. One fan said, “It’s so sick that the Mandy team is preying on their fans for money, many

of whom already lack any social support structure. It’s like, this isn’t a solution to the problem they pretend to care about. How would you like it if I came up to you at a time when you were socially isolated and feeling vulnerable, and then I let you pay me $5 to imagine us hugging?”

Still, the Machine Yearning update has been widely popular, and recently leaked internal messaging from the Mandy team has hinted that they might release periodic, pay-to-play updates as a new direction for the team’s business model. One team-wide email read, “If this works out, we can continue to beat this horse until Mandy is snatched from the spotlight and replaced by the next friendship quick-fix. Probably some hussy Dostoyevsky bot.”

Women who want to pursue an M.R.S. degree will need to fulfill unique requirements, such as homemaking and childrearing, in addition to the general education courses of their respective colleges and their major requirements. Pisano personally reached out to “America’s favorite housewife” Abby Shapiro to devise a four-year plan for students in M.R.S. programs. The coursework includes lower-division classes such as SHH 7A: Respecting Your Man, the first class in a five-course series, and upper-division classes such as SLIP 168: Dressing Modestly. Students enrolled in Shapiro’s classes will need to pay a $74.99 monthly subscription fee to her Patreon in order to submit their online homework assignments. Furthermore, students in the M.R.S. program are required to be engaged in order to receive their diploma package, which will consist of a marriage certificate with King Triton in the corner and a small bag of rice. The graduation ceremony for M.R.S. students will be “a mass wedding, in which these wom-

Following the program’s announcement, Pisano held a public forum to hear the students’ thoughts. After an hour of negative comments from students, UCSD academic coordinator, Mary D’hivours, Ph.D., commented, “I wish I had this program back in the day. I’d rather have an M.R.S. degree than a Ph.D. in electrical engineering. After I got fired for taking care of my sick daughter instead of attending the company’s annual ‘Blast from the Past’ party, no other company would hire me. As a full-time mother, my Ph.D. was just another piece of paper for my daughter to draw on. You ladies should be grateful for the M.R.S. program. The only sparks you should care about are the ones with your future husband.” UCSD’s program has received national recognition, garnering praise from “esteemed” health website, WebMD. In a statement released shortly after the announcement of the M.R.S. program, WebMD commented, “The WebMD family believes this program will greatly improve the mental health of women at UC San Diego. The key to a healthy life is balance, and a wellrounded woman knows how to work with both bread and breadboards. Nothing makes a woman happier than spending the day working towards a lucrative yet stressful career in tech and then coming home to cook a threecourse dinner for her husband.”

TOP TEN Ways to Prevent Scurvy … Arrr!

10. Indulging in the kiss of a man

9. Eating a Skittle

8. Drinking Pedialyte and wine

7. Doing the cinnamon challenge

6. Consuming only lemon-flavored edibles

5. Dodging it when you see it coming

4. Eating a fruit fly

3. Shopping at Whole Foods

2. Chugging seawater

1. Bloodletting

Editorial Board

Editor-in-Chief............................Sharon Roth

Managing Editor...........................Jacob King

Head Content....................Isabelle McKelvey

Content Editor Everett Ririe

Content Editor Theo Erickson

Content Editor.......................James Woolley

Design Lion...................Farhad Taraporevala

Design Witch...........................Taggert Smith

Design Wardrobe............. Romella Sagatelian

Graphics Editor.............................Julia Wong

Ass. Graphics Editor........................Amit Roth

Henry Ashcroft

Tyee Arey

Mira Avaramuthan

Ayushi Banjeree

Annamarie Bioletto

You’re not running fast enough.

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Have you ever used an autoclave? It’s a machine that uses steam under pressure to sterilize medical or lab equipment. It’ll kill bacteria, fungi, spores, viruses … Now that I think about it, if a virus is not alive, can you really kill it? I use autoclaves pretty regularly, if you know what I’m saying. I wish they didn’t take a lot of pressure and time to use, but I love them anyway. It’s week 10. I’m feeling under pressure (ice ice baby). But I am so proud of all of the work that went into this issue. I wasn’t around nearly as much as I would have liked, but I feel so lucky that I get to hang out with such creative, kind, and hilarious people. I love you. Beware the Ides of March.

— Sharon Roth, Editor-in-Chief

Shantelle Brooks

Yuri Bukhradze

Amaris Carrera

Alberto Castillo

Chris Choung

Emily Cronan

Ass. Graphics Editor........................Millie You

Social/Publicity Queen......Madeline Mozafari

Copy Commander.................Connor Betterly

Copy Magistrate....................Kaz Nuckowski

Copy Conjurer.........................Katie Campbell

Web Editor..................................Aaron Sonin

Web Editor..................................Jeannie Kim

Distribution Sergeant..............Matthew Ware

Kraken Wrangler.........................Maria Dhilla

Damsel in Distress...........................Jerry Wu

Muir Advisor.............................Mario Garibay

Staff Members

Melina Cruz

Blake Currier

Isha Dhandha

Sam Ford

Micah Gilbert

Lucas Grimwade

Gabrielle Hart

Bitsy Hsu

Paige Johnson

Elise Jonas-Delson

Claire McNerney

Roye Meitav

George Nassar

Chiara Ng

Liz Overton

Eduardo Perez

Rumi Petersen

Bryce Pollack

Sophie Pubb

Mike Raucci-Crane

Pranav Reddy

Maddie Samaniego

Booster Club

Olivia Scarborough

Katelin Shum

Mackenzey Tolliver

Varsha Varkhedi

Seiji Yang

Jeana Yoon

Karina Yu

Alyssa Zaldivar

Jonathan Zhang

The weather has been crazy the past couple of days, hasn’t it? What’s all this fog doing here? Quite the ambience if you ask me, but if you do ask me, I’ll tell you that I’ve had enough ambience and would rather have sun. I’m stuck inside eating Costco muffins, which have 600 calories. Wild. I lost an hour already which means that it should be spring and warm. The one benefit of this weather is it allows you to wear a trench coat — that is, if I had one. Hey, is that a conga line going over there? That looks like Madeline, Jacob, Sharon, Aaron, Matthew, Jerry, Connor, and Isabelle? Wow, that looks like a lot of fun. Anyways, make sure to practice personal hygiene and clean all of your body.

“It took a while to break down the firewalls in her heart, but now I feel like we’re really connected,” said one chatbot user

PHOTO BY MILLIE YOU

Seventh College Installs Decorative Solar Panels

The MQ’s Guide to Home Decor

Are you tired of how colorful, comfortable, and convenient your home is? Check out these hot new trends and tips for crafting the perfect minimalist space.

The Hottest New Color Scheme for Spring

2. Sharkskin

3. French cement

4. Lead poisoning

5. Cold, hard truth

Wall Decor

BY CONNOR BETTERLY

Copy Commander

In an unprecedented strategy to adapt to “A Changing Planet,” administrators at UC San Diego’s Seventh College have pivoted to a new method to tackle the climate crisis.

Known as “sustainability theatre,” this strategy developed by students enrolled in the Synthesis writing program has led administrators to install additional solar panels that create the appearance of sustainability, but don’t actually provide any power. While some students have criticized this move, the decision has been broadly praised by faculty across campus.

“These panels are a bold step towards sustainability and reducing our carbon footprint,” stated the university in a press release. “We are incredibly proud of Seventh College’s leadership on this ‘Changing Planet,’ which has undoubtedly been the result

of their incredibly challenging writing courses.”

The head of the Central Campus Utility Plant embraced the idea too, saying, “You know, change is hard, and there’s nothing like the status quo. Our future remains bright, even in overcast conditions!”

Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla lauded the new panels, saying, “I’ve never seen UC San Diego’s funds put to better use! Oh, except when we decided to increase the budget for leaving the lights on overnight inside a bunch of campus buildings, in support of the school’s motto. ‘Fiat lux!’ I can’t recall, was it President Drake or was it God who said that first?”

Despite praise from key administrators, some students voiced their criticism of the panels. “I was really excited when I heard about the new solar panels,” said geometry major Angel Wright.

“But when I looked at them, I noticed that they’re not

even pointed in a good direction to catch the sun!” Glen Greene, a resident of Seventh College, said, “In the hours before sunset, the reflections from the new panels turn the building across the street into a death ray. This made seven students get heat stroke, and two were even blinded! I had no choice but to buy a portable AC unit to keep my place cool.” Even the provost of the college disagreed with the solution, saying, “The new panels didn’t come with decorative wires, so they can’t even appear to be plugged in! It’s painfully obvious that they’re non-functional. It completely breaks the immersion of sustainability theatre, which is an insult to the hardworking students that developed the philosophy. At least the current panels are theoretically functional, though they may not be turned on and connected to the campus grid. So how on Earth could these decorative panels be expected to support the campus infrastructure? Honestly, it’s scandalous.”

The “faux-lar panels,” which were manufactured by a little-known company called Greenwashed Solutions, are marketed as a sustainable and eco-friendly choice. A spokesperson said, “While they may not be remotely functional for generating electricity, they generate commentary, which gets people ready to enact some real change! They’re also 20% cheaper than traditional photovoltaics, have 20% more rare earth metals, and are 20% easier to install. I’ve just gotten word that Eighth College has placed an even larger order for them — and some of our coal-powered wind turbines to boot!”

Despite the controversy, UCSD administrators have maintained their decision to install the panels. “Even if the panels aren’t providing power, they still send a message that we care about the environment,” said one administrator. “And on this changing planet, that’s what really matters, right?”

Google Lays Off Entire In-House Circus

• An unreasonable amount of clocks

• Artificial windows

• Minimalist nativity set

New Furniture Items Bed

Apartment Layout

“I’ve been searching and searching for a job, but I think I’ve just lost my drive,” said Willow.

BY JACOB KING

Managing Editor

Citing recent economic troubles, Google has laid off upwards of 10,000 employees, ranging from new hires to senior executives to the 13 trapeze artists, 15 acrobats, 11 body painters, and 27 pyrotechnic specialists that made up Google’s in-house Cirque du Soleil-style troupe, lovingly known by employees as “Search du Googlei.”

Despite the severity of the layoffs, Google insiders claim that “the dark beast of job loss has just begun to awaken,” which has caused mass panic within the Google campus as even longtime employees find themselves at risk of losing their jobs. “My boss stalks around the office with little fireworks that he launches whenever he sees someone

slacking off for a second.

Anyone hit by one gets a little plastic birthday hat put on their head that says ‘You’re fired,’” said Google employee Tanner T. Tanner.

Not all employees are worried about their jobs. “I think we’re safe,” said Barnaby G. Willis, lead instrumentalist and head chef of the Talkies — Google’s resident newwave Italo-disco band and pasta bar. “The boss loves the carbonara and our disco rendition of Beethoven’s Fifth.

Whenever those overworked coders start to doze, we’re told to turn our shit all the way up and blast up some ‘motivational’ tunes.”

Conditions in the Google offices may be grim, but to many, those who are still working are lucky. “I was told I was a part of a family, an even better family than my real one because it was family

forged on the strongest bond there is: employment,” said Daniel Whitehorn, Senior President of Contemplative Feedback and 15-year employee, who only found out he had been let go when his keycard stopped working. “I dedicated my life to this company. Hell, I even named my eldest daughter Google, and look how I’ve been treated. They’re trying to get rid of me the same way my actual family did: by changing the locks when I was out.”

“I got the job at Google and thought, ‘this is it, my future is secure,’ but I guess I should’ve known that nothing at Google is secure,” said Sandra Willow, who was hired as a junior developer just three months ago. “Everyone always said that if I worked hard and was skilled in a necessary field, I would always find

work, but it turns out that the most important factor in getting and keeping a job doesn’t have anything to do with me, but the crushing force of the invisible hand.”

In response to these layoffs, Google CEO Cook Tim and the board of directors spoke on a company livestream. “This is a devastating moment for me, personally,” said Tim, with the board of directors nodding and giving sad looks to the camera. “I love hiring people. It’s my favorite part of this job, because when we’re hiring people, the stock price goes up. When I fire people, the stock price goes down, and that makes me very sad. This is the point where I would normally call in Search du Googlei to cheer me up. Alas, I too have had to make sacrifices in these trying times.”

“The cord isn’t long enough to plug into the sun, what’d you expect?” asked the panel installation contractor.

PHOTO BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

1. Knife’s edge

1. Footboard of the bed against wall, headboard in the middle of the room

2. Door that leads to a wall

3. Disco ball hanging horizontally

White Canvas with Gray Dot, Number 5043

Taxidermied child’s rocking horse

Pepsi Carbonates Ocean in Attempt to Go Carbon Neutral

Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record

BY ROMELLA SAGATELIAN

Design Wardrobe

Pepsi has begun carbonating the ocean as a part of their new effort to go carbon neutral. The initiative was announced on Boston Tea Party Remembrance Day through a commercial that featured Kendall Jenner pouring cans of Pepsi off a ship and into the ocean. Pepsi’s CEO, Marinara Trensch, announced, “Pepsi’s goal is to be completely carbon neutral by the year 2100. We pledge that for every carbon atom we produce, we will put one more carbon atom back into our oceans.”

In the same statement, Pepsi announced that their team of soda engineers have genetically modified a new type of Pepsi designed to accomplish their goal: Pepsi Yellow Underwater Mango (PepsiYUM). When PepsiYUM is exposed to saltwater, the “naturally manufactured” yellow dyes in the soda bind with salt to form a stabilizing complex that allows the

carbon to stay in the water as a semi-permanent bubble without evaporating.

Pepsi’s head soda biologist Dr. Kei Meens explained the motivation for Pepsi’s recent environmental efforts. “Overpopulation has caused global warming because the added human weight has shifted the Earth’s orbit, pushing Earth closer to the sun. Due to global warming, water everywhere has been evaporating at unprecedented rates, and once water evaporates, it’s gone forever. This has led to falling sea levels and ocean salinification. Reinvigorating the environment with PepsiYUM will not only drop our net carbon emissions to zero, but will raise water levels and make the water taste better, fixing the damage humanity has done to the planet.” For “maximum sustainability,” each can of PepsiYUM is colored green and has instructions for numerous crafts and “DIY hacks” that can be done with the empty can.

Despite the environmental benefits, clinical trials have

found that PepsiYUM is unfit for human consumption. “When PepsiYUM enters the digestive tract, it’s broken down into a compound called monomorphic maltose (MMM) which is a derivative of the sugar used in Krispy Kreme’s donut glaze,” said Dr. Meens. “MMM has the sweet taste of its parent compound, but humans lack the enzyme monomorphic maltase (MMMase) that allows fish to break down the sugar. Because humans cannot break down MMM, it accumulates in the body and forms sucroid plaques, which can cause organ failure and reverse foot swelling. In the long term, these symptoms will lead to a permanently runny nose, low self esteem, and death.” These effects can be avoided by taking MMMaid (MMMase in pill form) half an hour before ingestion of PepsiYUM. Trensch has confirmed that PepsiYUM and MMMaid can be purchased together or separately at Taco Bell and other PepsiCo fast food subsidiaries.

Preliminary studies show that PepsiYUM has already

revived the Great Barrier Reef. After introducing PepsiYUM into the water, fish that are normally found miles away now travel to the Great Barrier Reef and leave only once the levels of PepsiYUM are depleted. Despite this, a study conducted by Koch Laboratories found that the lifespan for fish in regions with PepsiYUM has decreased by three years, citing heart disease as the primary cause of death. Trensch responded to these findings, saying, “All I hear is that the fish are really loving PepsiYUM!” Following PepsiCo, CocaCola has released ECOke, “the superior solution for our planet,” and aims to be completely carbon neutral by 2099. Despite Coca-Cola’s claims, a quadruple-blind study published in Nature Soda revealed that there does not seem to be a significant difference between ECOke and PepsiYUM. Although both fish and humans cannot differentiate between the two drinks by taste, when given the choice, most will opt for ECOke.

UCSD Chemists Abandon IUPAC in Favor of “Making Shit Up”

BY EVERETT RIRIE Content Editor

On March 10, contestant

Birna Sterkkona won the powerlifting tournament and game show Do You

Even Lift, Bro? with a world record standard-equipped deadlift of 505 kg (1,113.3 lbs). Her choice of equipment for the competition included a belt and — in a controversial first for powerlifting competitions — her 2-year-old son Fulþór, who she positioned under the bar.

Some viewers expressed concerns for Fulþór’s health and safety, while others asked whether he was “actually stuck under the bar” or if it was “just for show.” One viewer said, “I was afraid Birna would give ‘deadlift’ new meaning, but when she got the bar off Fulþór she really lifted my spirits.” Others commented that the child — who is 25 cm from back to sternum (or “as thick as the standard height of a bar off the ground,” according to Sterkkona) — was “shockingly massive for a toddler,” and “overwhelming evidence for Lamarckism.”

Powerlifting competitors have also been split on Sterkkona’s use of Fulþór as equipment. Harold “Big Greg” Johnson — who was invited to compete but was unable to attend on account of his pregnant girlfriend Barbara Bell going into labor before the competition — said, “Birna is a genius. If I had thought of it, I could’ve had Barb lie under the bar and been able to compete and be present for my daughter’s birth simultaneously.” Conversely, runner-up contestant and former world record holder Hafþór Björnsson said, “It’s cheating. The kid isn’t equipment, he’s another person, so really it’s like if two

TOP TEN New Pasta Shapes

“I’m pretty sure someone labeled the heavy water as regular water,” remarked one slightly heavier lab student.

BY KATIE CAMPBELL

Copy Conjurer

After two afternoons of deliberations, the Chemistry

Department at UC San Diego announced that they will no longer use official molecule naming schemes, and all future molecules will instead be named by “making shit up.” This marks the university’s departure from the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC)’s guidelines, which are generally accepted as the definitive nomenclature for molecules.

The decision was shared on Twitter by the head of the department, Adam Mollicoole, who said: “I’m proud to announce that the Chem Dept at UCSD will no longer deal with IUPAC. A guy on the board pissed me off by refusing to accept that my molecule was called coolguysauce, saying it was actually just benzene and I was being childish. So, from now on, call your molecules whatever you want.”

IUPAC later shared a response to Mollicoole’s post. “Adam, we have set rules for how we name molecules to make communication between scientists easier and more direct. We rejected the name ‘coolguysauce’ for being utterly devoid of meaning. Perhaps consider shortening it into a vanity plate for your next car?”

The response to the change has been overwhelmingly positive among students and professors alike, amassing a 97% “favorable” rating on a poll conducted on Mollicoole’s Twitter. One professor provided a statement on RealProfessorsOfUCSD, an anonymous discussion board for UCSD faculty. “Honestly, I’m welcoming the change,” the professor said. “I’m going to start providing extra credit for anyone who can make me laugh with their molecule names — but if any of them make me sad, I’m failing the whole class.” Another professor replied to the post, say-

ing: “Some of my students were asking why we even had to draw chemically viable molecules. Why not start making up our own elements, too?”

Fourth-year student Annie Matter expressed her opinion on the change, saying, “I’m upset the change came so late, but I’m glad I got to take advantage of it on my last midterm. My professor can’t expect me to draw the structure of methyl ethanoate if the name just doesn’t speak to me, you know?”

When asked what she drew instead, Matter answered, “Well, obviously, I drew a stick figure with a six-bonded carbon in its hand, just to piss my TA off.”

Despite the positive reception among students, researchers have criticized the move.

“It makes everything way more confusing for us,” said researcher Celulare Mekanism.

“I tried to tell my undergraduates that we were working with dichloromethane, which can

be seriously dangerous, and they all looked at me like I was speaking Greek! After drawing it on the whiteboard, one of them nodded at me and told me that it was actually called octadecabromoethane, because ‘the vibes were off’ and it just ‘doesn’t feel’ like it should be called dichloromethane anymore.” Mekanism continued, “If I hear one more person tell me they’re working with ‘forbidden chicken noodle soup,’ I’m going to cry. It’s a safety hazard!”

The UCSD Biology department later announced that they were also considering forgoing typical nomenclature, instead allowing students to rename bacterial species and human organs as they desire. “Because if we can’t beat them,” said professor Stephanococcus Auroraborealis, “we might as well let them say they have a Sad Little Dying Victorian Boy infection instead of tuberculosis.”

of me were to lift the weights together. I think if you zoom in on the video you’ll see that Fulþór puts his hands on the bar as Sterkkona lifts it — clearly an assisted lift.” Sterkkona explained her technique in a post-win interview. “I’ve trained Fuller from birth so he could grow big enough to be trapped under the bar without it actually harming him,” said Sterkkona. “I’ve planned for this win since I knew I was pregnant with Fulbert, honing my body — and more importantly, my motherly instincts — for years. The only reason I could do this is because I’m such a loving mother to my son, um … Fulgencio.”

“It’s true that in life-ordeath circumstances a parent can exhibit a phenomenon called ‘hysterical strength’ to save their child,” said Dr. Brian Braun, professor of kinesiology at UCLA. “But hysterical strength is not something that we can conjure up at will. To utilize it, Birna would have needed to believe that Fulþór’s life was legitimately in danger, which seems unlikely given the whole setup was contrived.” In response to Dr. Braun’s comments, Sterkkona said, “I was hysterical. If I had lost my precious Fulcrum, how could I possibly use him to win future competitions?”

Despite discouragement from child safety advocates, other powerlifters have already begun to announce that they too will bring their children to their next competitions. Sterkkona herself has said that she will continue to use this strategy and that, “to make the danger even more real next time,” she plans on incorporating a “slowly-moving laser death trap.”

Overdipping the chip since 1988

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. THE MQ

“I thought Pepsi’s carbonation initiative would taste better,” said one customer. “I’m still a bit salty about

it.”

PHOTO BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA

PHOTO BY MILLIE YOU

“I think powerlifting competitions should ban PEBs,” said Hafþór Björnsson. “Performance enhancing babies detract from the clean nature of the sport.”

PHOTO BY CONNOR BETTERLY

10. Choking hazard

9. A3 paper

8. String bean

7. Catalytic converter

6. Christ on the cross

5. Bass Pro Shops pyramid

4. Erlenmeyer flask

3. Tea kettle

2. Slice of pizza

1. One big sphere

Guy Fieri Announces Bid for California Senate Seat with Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy

U.S. Lifts Regulations Around Public Works Projects

“If he can beat Bobby Flay, he can do anything,” voiced one voter.

BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA Design Lion

On Tuesday, February 14, longtime California senator Dianne Feinstein announced that she would not seek reelection in 2024 following her six terms in the Senate. Numerous politicians including Representatives Katie Porter and Adam B. Schiff entered the race to replace Feinstein. However, celebrity chef Guy Fieri surprised millions by announcing his candidacy on his television show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, which he will be rebranding to Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy as the show follows him across California for “campaigning and finding good eats.”

Fieri released a statement following the premiere of Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy , saying, “I want to thank everyone for 16 great years of Triple D, as well as all the incredible restaurants that fed me throughout my time on the show. For all my fans, don’t worry, I’ll still be touring California in my ’68 Camaro and highlighting all of California’s hidden gems.

But instead of dedicating the whole episode to food, each episode will be served with a delicious appetizer highlighting my journey to the Senate, whether it be canvassing for votes, learning about the federal government, or taking well-timed photos with disaster relief recipients. I believe this addition will in no way decrease the beautiful flavor of the show at all.”

However, Fieri soon learned that “not all was good in Flavortown” when he submitted his paperwork to officially enter the race. “I was about to file Mr. Fieri’s paperwork when I discovered something amiss,” said election official Donna Tellor. “He had just handed me his birth certificate when I noticed a stain that appeared to be left by marinara sauce, which can only mean one thing. The birth certificate was clearly a fake planted by Italian spies, and Guy Fieri was sent from Italy to undermine the unshakable burgerosity of our great American democracy with his lasagna lies.”

Following Tellor’s discovery, the matter was brought

to the attention of the House of Representatives, which immediately launched an investigation into the matter. “The House of Representatives takes these allegations very seriously. So seriously in fact, that I have been personally looking into the matter,” said Speaker Kevin McCarthy. “Viewers can see the full investigation on the next episode of Triple D, where Guy takes me on an all-expenses-paid trip across Northern California to his hometown of Santa Rosa. Over an amazing meal of enchiladas, he explained to me that the stain wasn’t marinara sauce, but in fact blood. What really sealed the deal for me was that he let me drive his Camaro, easily one of the most American cars ever made. I mean, the only vehicle more American would be a M1A2 SEPv3 Abrams tank, but not even I am that patriotic.”

Although Fieri was cleared to run by the House of Representatives, detractors still claim that Fieri’s candidacy is illegal. “There is so much he is hiding from the public,” said concerned citizen Raz

Isht. “Not only is he an Italian, but his real name isn’t even Fieri, it’s Ferry! And don’t get me started on his first name. I mean, he might as well be called ‘Dude’ or ‘Man.’ And what is he hiding about his hair? There is no way those tips can stay that frosty in the California heat.” Fieri addressed concerns about his candidacy on the last episode of Diners, DriveIns and Democracy , saying, “I know Californians are worried about many things right now, and I just want to come clean about some things. I was born and raised in the U.S. and have lived in California for most of my life. Just because I love to eat and cook Italian food does not make me an Italian citizen. As for those wondering about my hair — this is hard for me to admit, but it’s a wig. For 20 years now I have been hiding my baldness from you all, but I shouldn’t have been ashamed of who I am. From now on I will stop wearing my beautiful, perfect, pristine wig, and instead show California who I really am.”

UC San Diego Bans Sale of Caffeinated Beverages

BY JAMES WOOLLEY

Ass. Content Editor

Construction finished

Wednesday on the S an Diego Metropolitan Transit System’s Periwinkle Line, the newest addition to their rapidly-expanding network. Recent growth in commuter rail has been the result of a federal mandate lifting all restrictions around the contracting of public transport expansion projects. Previously, contractors were heavily audited by municipal governments to ensure their practices were in line with federal regulation; however, the “Just Get It Done” bill has allowed any company or individual to bid on public works contracts through eBay and granted them the freedom to execute the contract in any way, so long as they “just get it done.” This has resulted in a boom in the construction of public transportation solutions over the past nine months as private citizens and companies from all sectors have poured in.

a network of paved roads that stretch throughout the city. Residents are encouraged to walk or run, but may also purchase passes to ride in a wide assortment of vehicles, which range from SPIN scooters to fully chauffeured and bespoke Rolls-Royces, depending on subscription tier.

“Caffeine is technically a drug,” noted one police officer. “That means it should be illegal.”

BY MADELINE MOZAFARI Soc/Pub Queen

Citing a new study by Dr. Walter Jolt-a-Lot, a renowned caffeine scientist, UC San Diego has enacted a school-wide ban on the sale of caffeinated beverages, which went into effect Friday, February 17. Since then, all HDH establishments and student-run stores as well as independent campus vendors such as Target and Starbucks have not been allowed to sell caffeinated drinks on the UCSD campus without incurring retaliation from UCPD in the form of “a hefty fine or something that could be considered cruel and unusual.”

The study, titled “Caffeine and Its Effects On Student Dignity,” is Dr. Jolt-a-Lot’s self-described “magnum opus.” In the study, Dr. Jolta-Lot reported his findings on how caffeine affects a college student’s mind, namely

that caffeine allows college students to be “awake, alert, and productive” but can also cause “high anxiety, poor decision making, a sense of moral failure, and the urge to run away from the capitalistic lifestyle.” The study also found that the consumption of caffeinated beverages could increase a student’s likelihood to “consider a better future for the world” and “abandon their careers altogether in favor of forming a commune where everyone’s needs are met and no one is poor.”

The findings from Dr. Jolt-a-Lot’s study sparked a new anti-caffeine movement among campus staff. One UCSD spokesperson said: “We need these kids to graduate so they can go from taking COGS classes to being cogs in the machine before their brains have a chance to fully develop. We cannot have them experiencing

caffeine-induced idealism when they should be studying their lives away in the bowels of Geisel Library. That’s why we’ve decided to forbid the sale of caffeinated beverages on campus; now, students will be too tired to do the paperwork to drop out.”

Another staff member chimed in, “What this study has shown us is that caffeine is a dangerous drug, almost like a hallucinogen. When a student has caffeine in their system, they might start to believe that the midterm that’s worth 80% of their grade is actually unfair, and they shouldn’t be paying thousands of dollars a quarter to teach themselves the material their professors barely cover. The last thing we need is anyone realizing that we’re actually not worth the student loans. In fact, our ideal student population uses the least amount of critical thinking possible, and are more

similar to zombie-robots than functioning adults. Banning caffeine will ensure the students stay subdued and willing to take a sledgehammer to their wallets.”

Since the campus-wide caffeine ban took effect, students all across the UCSD campus have been seen buying and selling “mc 2” drinks, “C 25H 28N 6O 7” beans, and “1,3,7-Trimethylpurine-2,6-dione” supplements. Sneeth Broth, a student in CHEM 43A, said: “Since this backwards-ass school obviously does not give a rat’s tushy-wushy about their students’ health and well-being, we have decided to use the supplies in the chem labs that we pay for with lab fees to purify caffeine for sale. For our fellow students’ own good, of course! We use the profits to cover the fines for breaking into York after hours. Man, and I thought the parking tickets were bad!”

As of today, the greater San Diego commuter system is mostly owned and operated by eight organizations and individuals: Walmart, Blackwater LLC, The Church of Former Day Saints, Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton (LVMH), Snoop Dogg, Electronic Arts, ExxonMobil, and Chiquita Banana, and has additionally expanded to include multiple new and innovative modes of transport. Notably, the Walmart-operated #1a75cf Medium Blue Line has offered palanquin services since the line debuted in September, and Exxon’s Black Gold Line runs exclusively gasoline-powered trains designed to travel on asphalt instead of tracks — the product of a $2 trillion research and development grant from the government. The company claims that the new auto-locomotive reduces train electricity usage by 100%, taking strain off the already stretched power grid. Other options that have been marketed as eco-friendly include Snoop Dogg’s Trebuchet Travel Super Solution, which launches commuters between a network of seven-story slingshots, and the Jasper Line, which is jointly operated by LVMH and Electronic Arts and involves

However, it hasn’t all been smooth sailing. Competition for contracts has caused large-scale corporate clashes and multiple territorial disputes over tracts of land. Notably, Blackwater LLC and Chiquita Banana’s dispute over construction of the Fuschia Line have resulted in paramilitary conflicts, and the contested division of land has seen drastic changes as the two companies’ strategies evolve. Recently, Chiquita’s “Gorilla tactics,” which involve launching slippery banana peels at the Blackwater advance, have seemingly earned them the upper hand, and Chiquita has already begun construction in previouslyBlackwater-held Fuschia territory. Their unique mode of transport involves sliding along a greased track on a banana peel, an idea that apparently came to the lead project designer in a concussion-induced fever dream after an accident involving Heelys.

Despite these difficulties, commuter numbers remain high throughout the region. “There is literally no other choice. I either spend five hours in traffic or five minutes on a banana peel,” commuter Giada Work said. In addition to diversity of travel modes, the new system has also increased celerity of commutes. “I have to transfer nine times to get to school, but it’s still faster than taking the bus,” said UCSD student Willow Gasquet. Another commuter remarked, “I do look forward to my daily palanquin ride. The phosphorous bombs make the palanquin bearers run faster than they’d normally go.” Riders in San Diego will have even more to look forward to come May, as Tesla, whose Hyperloop project was planned to begin two years ago, has in the meantime announced the release of a different form of air-pressure powered transportation: sailboats.

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

PHOTO BY CONNOR BETTERLY

“I love the new transportation system,” proclaimed one UCSD student. “Taking a trebuchet to school is teaching me so much about applied physics.”

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

The MQ’s Science

We crashed our local elementary school’s science fair because each other is spreading fake, non-reproducible data. And also because keys and lunch with the principal. Apparently, the La Jolla Country though, because they kicked us out as soon as they saw our trifold

Why Juuling Is Materials

• Stolen lab equipment

• Heavy metals

• Home Depot rewards card

• Human heart • Ruler

Methods

1. Tie back hair

2. Wash glassware

3. Choose a cool-looking font

4. Only read the abstracts of our references

5. Learn sick vape tricks

6. Omit control groups to save money

7. Minecraft break

8. Break glassware

9. Cherry-pick data

10. Add significant figures

Results

Fig. 1: Heart health positively correlated to Juuls vaped.

Fig. 3: Number of participants who chose to vape each flavor of Juul offered.

Science Fair Project

because the only thing we love more than pitting 9-year-olds against because we heard the first place prize was a packet of Sea-MonCountry Day School staff don’t like our groundbreaking discovery, trifold board. Enjoy reading our contraband science fair project!

Heart Healthy

Conclusions

Juuling every day improves heart health.

Future Questions

Results

• Does the flavor of the Juul pod affect the amount of healthiness?heart

• Should we sell these in vending machines?

• Which company will pay the most money for these results?

Acknowledgements

We would like to thank Horton Elementary School for the generous research grant of 20 extra minutes of recess

Fig. 2: Amount of love in heart correlated with amount of Juul consumed caused by age of heart in relation to age of participant.

Fig. 4: Percentage of participants who participated in this study.

Third-Year Math Major Forgets How to Spell Numbers

EDITORIAL People These Days Don’t Know How Hard It Is to Be an Immortal Wizard

BY EITAK LLEBPMAC Conjurer of Ypoc

“Why can’t I just use the letter ‘x’ to represent every number I have to spell? That would be so much easier,” remarked

BY MICAH GILBERT Staff Writer

Barry Calculus, a thirdyear math major at UC San Diego, was recently admitted to Student Health Services after claiming that he has completely forgotten how to spell numbers due to the heavy workload brought on by the math curriculum.

Tenured math professor Greg Graphe gave his thoughts on his students forgetting how words like “seven” are spelled. “This is a very new issue, but it’s been increasing like a diverging sum in our student body in the last few years,” he said. “These students can write about homeomorphisms and topological differentiation all day long, but then I get an email asking about ‘problem number fore?’ It’s probably because kids these days are too busy having sex instead of doing differential calculus.”

When asked how he’s coping with this new dif-

ficulty, Calculus said, “I haven’t thought about it too much because it really hasn’t impacted my life. Just writing the Arabic numerals gets me pretty far, and when it gets too strange, Roman numerals always have my back. The problem is other people, mostly. My idiot cousin didn’t know what ‘Happy IVth Birthday’ meant! How can he succeed in this world? That’s a fundamental skill he’s lacking.” Calculus has also started to bring other math symbols into his everyday life, which he said has led to trouble in situations like telling his family to reserve a flight on Delta Airlines, or asking his parents to cosign on a car loan, which Calculus did by drawing a picture of the cosine function and silently pointing at it.

According to Calculus, students are taking inspiration from him and choosing to willingly forget basic

aspects of their education in order to make more mental room. Ray Theon, an aerospace engineer and early adopter of the “forget-menaught” method, said, “Bro, I never realized how much space in my brain ‘leftyloosey, righty-tighty’ took up until I forgot about it. In my opinion, I think we should just stop teaching it. Who uses that crap anyway? Screws as a whole are pretty overrated. Glue and tape work way better. Well, I’ve gotta go figure out how to secure the wings onto this plane I’m designing.”

Sigmund Sum, a business psychology student, also discussed how they’ve participated in this trend.

“As a business major, I do a lot of math and I could definitely get by with forgetting the more basic stuff. But I still need the really advanced equations like y = mx + b. I also think that we should do away with accounting. Just

check your bank account balance in the app every couple days and you’re good.” Sum continued questioning exactly what “economics” and “business” were, but was quickly dragged away by two professors and made to repeat “Economics is a real science” a thousand times.

Calculus has also started a club that would act as a place for students to share tips about forgetting extremely basic parts of their major, and discuss how doing so has improved their lives. “The second or third meeting was when it got strange. A ton of professors showed up and started talking about how they willingly forgot about the fact that you can’t quiz students on things you didn’t teach them, or how they forced themselves to lose all their knowledge on using Canvas. They seemed much too happy about it. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”

Next-Gen Game’s $70 Price Tag Effective at Raising Executive’s Bank Balance

Wizards of San Diego, I come to you all with the most horrible problem I have ever faced in my short 200 years of existence. I am ready to leave the nest for good after expending my 20 years of dorm life; I have to become my own adult self before I reach age 250 or I’ll be a failure forever.

Alas! In my search for a humble wizard tower to call my own, I’ve realized that they have all been converted into Airbnbs or torn down in favor of minimalist apartments without air conditioning. And they have the nerve to charge $10,000 a month for such abominations!

Even with the power to snap and permanently destroy the trading value of the U.S. dollar, that’s too much money for me. Out of desperation, I asked for help on r/reallifewizardsnofakers. They had only the usual suggestions — “Just get a job,” or “Get 600 ghosts to pay you rent,” or “Have you tried selling feet pics?” However, one individual provided me with a grand idea — I should just build my own tower! There’s plenty of space out on the ocean, and I’m immune to bullets and military weapons, so the Coast Guard won’t stand a chance against my cool lightning defense system.

I spent two years painstakingly building the perfect miniature version of my ideal tower! I transcribed all of my tomes into tiny handwritten books less than a square centimeter in size. I even harvested perfect crystals from the Earth’s crust to act as my magical conduits. However, there was a fatal oversight in my logic. Due to the law of conservation of matter, I can’t actually create new matter — I can only space out the matter that’s already there. So I stole a small rowboat and spent four days rowing out into the Pacific Ocean. But when I used my Expandinator magic to size up my masterpiece, it immediately began to flood!

I ran into the tower and stopped the leaks with 12 industrial size rolls of Glad® ClingWrap, and my possessions escaped unscathed. I then climbed 2,000 steps to the top floor, at which point I jumped in a moment of pure, magical celebration — and I fell down all the way to the bottom, breaking every single bone in my body. After lying on the ground for two weeks, I mastered a levitation spell and carried myself to the local hospital, where I’m currently using my powers to write to you, dear reader. As for my housing situation, I’m still torn — real estate is a fantastic investment, and being a landlord is a perfectly respectable, guilt-free career choice — but perhaps I should accept my fate and live in a sad, wet cave forever. Maybe I can find some students who want to live with me, or maybe the sea lions will start paying rent. I need to figure it out soon, though — the medical bills aren’t going to pay themselves, after all.

TOP TEN Things to Put in a Time Capsule

10. Sharknado 3 on Blu-ray

9. Microplastics

8. A Bundt cake pan

7. Cat ear headphones

6. Fanfiction between us and the person who uncovers the time capsule

5. Those cereal bowls that have a straw to slurp the milk at the bottom

4. A USB with a sentient AI VTuber on it

3. Every Garfield comic ever printed

2. One single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto

1. The key to the time capsule

“They said we couldn’t make video games that cost $70, but the yolk’s on them,” said Edwin.

BY JACOB KING Managing Editor

Since the release of the PlayStation 5 back in 2020, Sony has charged $70 for their biggest AAA games. This prompted Microsoft and Nintendo to follow suit and increase the prices of their next-generation games to $70 as well. In a recent earnings call, PlayStation North America’s president, Elmer Edwin, said that increasing the costs of their games was “necessary” because “it turned the stock graph into a beautiful upward swoosh.”

While he has left unclear exactly how much money he has accrued, Edwin used phrases such as “twelve king’s ransoms” and “a money pile, Scrooge McDuck-style” to refer to his fortune. Other PlayStation executives echoed the success of the price increase with more restrained language.

“I think we’re able to live a lit-

tle bit more comfortably now,” shouted one executive through the glass of an elevator as he ascended into his private PlayStation helicopter.

When asked whether the current state of the economy would affect their increasing revenues, the PlayStation team seemed confident in their continued success. As Edwin put it, profits will stay steady even during the economic downturn “as long as the world of business continues to crush people under its boots, leaving interactive fantasy as the only escape.”

Sony’s profit margins have left many wondering about implications for the salaries of lower-level employees.

“I asked my boss for an 8% raise to match inflation,” began one Sony employee. “He looked me in the eyes and said, ‘sure, we’ll adjust your salary by 8%.’ But when I got my next paycheck, it turned out that he reduced it by 8%!”

Even with record profits, Edwin is committed to raising them still further. “Inflation is just going to spiral out of control,” said Edwin. “All fiat currencies will eventually inflate to zero, but that does not mean I cannot amass and spend as much money as possible while it still holds value. Which is why I am committed to exploring how I can turn this economic downturn into an economic upturn for me specifically.”

According to Edwin’s assistant, after a long holiday vacation, Edwin brought a carton of eggs into his office and spent all day pondering them, despite the numerous meetings he had scheduled.

“I just sat there in my office all day trying to think about how the bird flu affected video games,” said Edwin.

“I then happened upon the thought that no one could expect developers to program without a morning breakfast of 10 eggs.”

“Egg prices have increased by, say, 23.69% in the past two months. And the video game industry and the poultry industry are intrinsically intertwined,” said Edwin in a presentation to the board. “Now let’s use a conservative estimate, say 23.64%, for the increase to our costs of production. That means that we must charge the consumer an extra 50% to offset the increased production costs.” The boardroom was reportedly “confused but excited” at Edwin’s pitch. “We could start selling games for $100 a unit!” exclaimed Edwin. “And of course, the price of any egg or chicken related cosmetics will need to follow the trend even closer.”

When asked what will happen if the price of eggs falls, Edwin said, “I’ve heard the price of chicken farms are at an all-time low … I wouldn’t worry about that being much of a possibility.”

Calculus.

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow

Eighth College Named

“I’ll never have to imagine a spherical cow again,” said one physics student.

BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA Design Lion

This February, cat -

tle rancher Nicholas “Mixalot” Minhoj was “shocked” after a breeding experiment involving two of his herds went horribly wrong. “Last fall, to try and make some extra money for the ranch, I bred my American Hustlers, cows known for their quick maturation to adulthood, with several A5 Wagyu bulls I borrowed from Japan,” said Minhoj.

“I hoped that the resulting calves would be filled with flavor and fat, and they would grow very quickly. Instead, I got these spherical monstrosities that roll around instead of walking!”

Veterinary scientists at UC Davis determined the resulting calves to be a new breed, and head cownamer and animal soundlistener Joel MacDoneld named them “Rolling Butterballs.” “When I first laid eyes on the Rolling Butterballs, I wasn’t sure what

they should be called,” said MacDoneld, pausing to sing a series of vowels under his breath. “Then, whilst eating a cheeseburger, I went to pay them a visit. All the cows started rolling after me, leaving a trail of milk behind them like unchurned butter. The name just stuck from there.”

Due to their high intramuscular marbling and rapid growth rate, the Rolling Butterballs have become a commercial goldmine for Minhoj. However, raising them still has its downsides. “Sure, the butts [Rolling Butterballs] have been a blessing for me. But people don’t understand how hard it is to rear them. I’ve had to perfectly level my farm so that they wouldn’t all get stuck in one corner,” said Minhoj. “That doesn’t even account for the amount those butts eat. In their two weeks to mature, each butt will consume 10 to 12 million calories per day. At first it was hard to force so much food into their mouths, but since I invested in gavage

and a diet of mostly high fructose corn syrup and large Chocolate Oreo Shakes from Baskin-Robbins, life has gotten easier.”

The new breed of cow has caused backlash after a statement from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) brought attention to the living conditions of Rolling Butterballs on Minhoj’s ranch. “It’s inhumane and vile. We haven’t seen an animal with such unhealthy meals since Michelle Obama made school lunches taste bad. The ethical thing to do would be to immediately cease breeding this cursed creature.” In response to PETA’s statement, Minhoj said, “Is PETA gonna pay me to stop breeding the butts? ’Cause if they do, I’d love to stop. Honestly, it’s like playing the world’s hardest and heaviest game of marbles.”

Not everyone is against the continued breeding of Rolling Butterballs. “After trying a Rolling Butterball steak at a local steakhouse,

I was so moved by the beautiful, juicy, succulent nature of the steak that I immediately fell into a food coma,” said Rolling Butterball fan Carni Voorous. “It was in that coma that the idea for the People for the Eating of Tasty Animals Association, or PETAA, came to me, as a way for everyone to express their support for Minhoj and the majestic and scrumptious Rolling Butterballs.”

As of today, Minhoj has reared over 150,000 Rolling Butterballs and plans to level thousands of acres to expand his farm. “The idea struck me when I accidentally took a wrong turn on my way to Merced and stumbled across a bunch of unused land. Sure, it will be a real pain to level the mountain and that weird dome-shaped rock, but it’s nothing a few missiles donated by PETAA can’t handle. Plus the place already has an amazing name for a farm: Yosemite.”

THE MQ DESIGNS THE EIGHTH COLLEGE CURRICULUM

The MQ has been tasked with designing UCSD’s new Eighth College theme and curriculum, and we’re committed to making it way better than ERC’s (but probably only a little bit better than Sixth’s). With our chosen theme being Media Illiteracy, we decided BINGO is the most appropriate format to ensure Eighth College students get their GEs done! In order to graduate, you must complete a row of five and yell BINGO aloud in Matthews Quad. And if you blackout the whole sheet, you win a master’s degree!

BY PRANAV REDDY Staff Writer

The UC San Diego Office of the Chancellor announced this morning that the hitherto-unnamed Eighth College would be named. In the announcement, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla stated, “We are proud to announce that we have finally decided on a name for Eighth College: Fourth College. Since ‘Eighth’ is really hard to spell, this name was chosen to make my life easier. We would like to thank Raytheon Technologies for assisting us in making sure the naming process was as inclusive as possible. Thanks to their contribution, the theme of Fourth College will be oriented around diversity, the importance of critical analysis, and why bombs are actually vital if you think about it.”

Several student organizations protested the naming of Fourth College. John Umbers, a Sixth College student, said, “I don’t see why Eighth College got named before Sixth College. Six is a way cooler number than eight. And don’t even get me started on four. Four is basically just a bunch of lines if you think about it. Six has curves and circular vibes, and we all know that circles are the coolest shape.” Several others expressed their agreement, and sporadic rioting broke out among mathematics faculty and students over whether six was a “cooler” number than eight, as well as “what a number even is anyways.”

There is also the question of when Sixth and Seventh College will be named. Several proposals have been

Answer

Successfully

Be

sent in by anonymous contributors, such as ejw College, Equine College, and <COLLEGE_NAME> College. The university announced their decision to refrain from choosing a name for either college, stating, “Give us more money if you want to name a college, you lazy bums. Think about all the impoverished students who will have to constantly see your name on every university document.”

Carlos Count, a first-year student, said, “Most people think freshmen like me can’t count, but the layout of this university is so confusing. I’m not sure I’ll be able to remember which college is Sixth, Seventh, or Fourth. I’ve already gotten lost in Sixth college while trying to get to Seventh College.” The university has promised to assist students with navigating campus. Instead of updating maps, their plans include a mandatory counting class for all incoming students, as well as signs reminding students to count on their fingers when needed. It remains unclear what will become of Fourth College with the recent name change. The university will now have to change several signs, websites, and promotional materials to match the recent changes. Noom Errals, a construction manager, said, “We used to have a bunch of big ‘eights’ we were supposed to put up all over the place, but now we’ve got to get a bunch of ‘fours.’ I mean, why couldn’t they at least choose a squarefree integer if they were going to do this? And don’t even get me started on exotic smooth structures on R4.”

TOP TEN Substitutes for Buttermilk

10. Soy milk and olive oil

9. Salicylic acid

8. Cream of Wheat

7. Clorox wipe juice

6. Apple juice and a splash of nail polish remover

5. St. John’s wort

4. Wite-Out

3. Kombucha

2. Undercooked roux

1. Nothing, you don’t need it at all

PHOTO BY MILLIE YOU

“Sure, it took us a while to brainstorm the new college name,” said Khosla. “But like they say, the fourth time’s the charm.”

PHOTO BY JACOB KING

Lab-Grown Orange Sales Skyrocket After Blood Orange Controversy

EDITORIAL Organic Chemistry Is Made Up

BY ESTER HEXAGON POLLY ETHYLENE GLYCOL CHEM 40B student

“Orange you glad I decided to propose?” asked one Timothy & Co customer.

BY SHARON ROTH Editor-in-Chief

In 1947, D’Orange Juice, the world’s largest orange grower and retailer, coined the phrase and slogan “Oranges are Forever.” The corporation marketed the orange into a fruit that symbolizes love and commitment, popularizing the engagement orange and dominating the citrus market. However, D’Orange Juice has received backlash following employee reports that their Florida orange groves have unsafe work conditions and have caused significant environmental damage. The whistleblower, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Though they present themselves as a sustainable company with healthy practices, that guise is only skin-deep, hiding a crimson secret. I promise this drama is juicy.”

Fruit expert and historian Burt Lopez weighed

in on D’Orange Juice’s fruit industry impact. “Oranges are actually one of the most common fruits in nature.

D’Orange Juice controls approximately 80% of the world’s orange market, and they tightly regulate supply and drive up prices. It’s about time we start unpeeling this mess and taking it apart segment by segment.”

D’Orange Juice then held a press conference after the whistleblower’s report. Jim Schwartz, CEO of D’Orange Juice, responded to the allegations in a press conference. He said, “Our orange groves are the safest in the country — not only are our workers the happiest and most satisfied, they are also exposed to the highest levels of pesticides and lead of any agricultural facility nationwide. The groves are conveniently located upstream of Miami so we can influence and revolutionize water streams with runoff from our excellent establishment.”

Lopez responded to Schwartz in an open letter cosigned by several renowned environmentalists and activists. “The orange groves in South Florida are destroying the local ecosystem. D’Orange Juice uses 10% of its profits to flood Miami in order to persuade residents to continue destroying the Everglades. People who work in the groves are not provided any safety equipment or proper tools. What’s not clear about this? People are dying! They’re not selling you just any oranges — they’re selling you blood oranges.”

Timothy & Co., a luxury fruit store, released a statement about distancing themselves from the D’Orange Juice brand. In the memo, Timothy & Co. CEO Clementine von Mellon wrote, “In an effort to stop selling D’Orange Juice’s blood oranges, we hired a team of scientists to create sustainable, conflict-free, labgrown oranges. These oranges are grown in a controlled set-

ting to ensure a flawless look and a timeless feel.”

The launch of lab-grown oranges has received mixed reviews. Raz Berry, a citrus collector, tweeted: “There is a huge difference between labgrown oranges and blood oranges. Sure, I probably don’t want to eat a fruit with ‘blood’ in the name, and I totally get that human rights violations are bad, but the lab-grown ones just don’t have those imperfections that give oranges character! I literally can’t even compare the two. It would be like comparing, uh, apples and oranges.”

In an effort to lure back customers intrigued by Timothy & Co’s marketing, D’Orange Juice has taken to emphasizing their philanthropic efforts. Schwartz tweeted, “D’Orange Juice strives to make a positive impact in the world. That’s why so much of our profit goes toward creating humanitarian crises.”

U.S. Government Pledges Three Million in Thoughts and Prayers to Türkiye and Syria for Earthquake Relief

Isimply cannot do it anymore. I cannot suspend my belief in the way of the world and pretend that I understand what the hell an electron is. They don’t interact with light in a way that allows us to see them, kind of like how our professors don't interact with the logic behind what they teach us. I’ll say that maybe we can use the Bohr model once or twice. Circles!

It’s so easy! But valence shell electron pair repulsion theory?? I’ll say — it sure repulses me. I think if we’re studying something we can’t even see, we should have a bit more to go on than “carbon wants four bonds, oxygen doesn’t mind a negative charge, and you are beholden to organic chemistry because it is what makes living things living.”

I got through gen chem. I took BILD 1-4. I have even taken CSE 8A and 8B. This is where I draw the line, over and over, because of these stupid fucking carbon-carbon bonds. Are covalent bonds even real? Or are these carbons just a bunch of whores? Every Tuesday and Thursday, I go to York Hall and

I sit and watch as my professor relays the supposed “knowledge of the universe” onto our meek, mortal, student souls. This guy wrote the textbook too, so I guess I’m just trusting him on literally everything. He always talks about how all of these reactions are going on in our bodies right now, but he never tells us why. Molecules are not sentient. They cannot be made happy or unhappy based on “charges” and “energy levels.” They don’t know if another pair of electrons will make them more stable! Neither do the electrons. So that begs the question: who is controlling this shit? Who decides what bonds to create and which ones to cleave? Why are the enzymes doing what they do? If organic chemistry is what makes me, and there’s a force behind it that makes the reactions happen, then how can I have any control at all? Do I have free will, or am I bound to what happens based on where the electrons decide to go? But even electrons lack volition! Is it possible that one atom of hydrogen is the cause of a bad decision I made last week? Do I have any agency at all? How exactly do these molecules — that know nothing and do nothing — make all living things? What is living? What is learning? The molecules in my brain are helping me learn about molecules — so is it molecules all the way down? Do atoms bond with a bang or a whimper? And how on Earth am I supposed to figure out how the electrons are moving around in human soup with no cheat sheet for the Saturday final?

“I found the praying part easy, but the thought part is really difficult,” said

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

Copy Magistrate

Following a “tumultuous” month in American politics, framed by public outcry on the silence of federal bodies on both recent mass shootings and the earthquake in Syria and T ürkiye, the Biden administration held a press conference addressing these issues. In a televised speech to the nation, President Biden stated, “Look, here’s the deal. We recognize the devastation that current events have wreaked both at home and abroad. As Americans, it is our responsibility in these trying times to be an example to others, because we are indisputably the best country in the world. Our society is the One True Society, a beacon to all others. Our red, white, and blue savior complex must remain strong.” Biden called upon Congress for action, promising the au -

thorization of “three million dollars worth of thoughts and prayers” in aid to Syria and T ürkiye for earthquake relief efforts.

Later in the speech, Biden elaborated on the reasoning for his call to action and offered apologies. “It is an unfortunate reality that we cannot offer more, and that so much unrest characterizes the region,” he commented. “This is the best we can do about it. While we can do nothing to prevent natural disasters, the political situation in the Middle East — which is completely irrelevant to the topic, but I feel compelled to comment on — has nothing to do with American colonial imperialist legacies. War in this region has nothing to do with us. But we cannot let politics — which again, I am bringing up even though it has no bearing on Syrian and Turkish people’s ethical right to humanitarian aid

— get in the way of crucial recovery efforts.”

Many viewers at home expressed confusion at Biden’s remarks. “I get that we should care about what’s going on in Syria,” San Diego resident Trulie D. Owntcare said. “But shouldn’t we be doing something first about the mass shootings here? There’s always a war or something going on over there, and we are already taking in way too many refugees — ” Before Owntcare could say more, her daughter took the microphone from local reporters, and said, “Mom, shut the fuck up! You voted for Trump! You don’t even care about gun violence!” before the broadcast was rerouted to weather forecasting.

Turkish American immigrant and activist Mustafa Yilmaz has been outspoken about his feelings on the speech. “We have yet to see anything from Congress, and

even so, what are thoughts and prayers going to do for my family in Gaziantep? For the Syrian refugees in Türkiye who fled violence that the American government sat back and watched? People in my hometown, people all over southern Türkiye and northeast Syria, were trapped screaming under rubble. Join me in the fight to demand better.”

Though Yilmaz’s grassroots movement for justice has gained some traction in recent weeks, it has yielded little policy change. As of now, the House of Representatives has yet to approve the thoughts and prayers aid to the region, amidst reports of a Republican majority-led “super-duper secret” motion to vacate against Speaker Kevin McCarthy following his statement that “actually, maybe we should care,” was caught on a House floor hot mic.

10. The produce drawer

9. The tiny pocket in your pants

8. An optional office hour on a weekend

7. Wherever you go when you multiply yourself by zero

6. The East Coast after changing your identity

5. Inside the Grand Canyon so they’re distracted by the view

4. The same location you are right now, but 200 years ago

3. Your mind palace

2. The bottom of the housing waitlist

1. Behind a conveniently placed lamp

TOP TEN Places to Conceal Yourself in Hide and Seek Satire

PHOTO BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA

Owntcare. “I’m waiting for more direction from the administration.”

PHOTO BY MILLIE YOU

Tritons Confused by Abstract New Brand Guidelines

The MQ Files Taxes

It’s our favorite time of the year, Taurus — uh, tax season! This year, our dad told us we have to start doing them on our own, so we hired TurboTax!

Sources of Income

• Interest on our Roblox bank account

• Infinite money glitch

• Stealing from Mom’s purse

• Dropshipping business

• Insurance fraud

Assets

• First-generation iPad with Flappy Bird still downloaded

• Two square feet of land in Scotland

• A frozen McDonald’s Travis Scott meal from 2020

• A nuclear bunker under the local Vons

• A prize-winning truffle pig

BY CONNOR BETTERLY

Copy Commander

In a bid to market itself as a more desirable campus, UC San Diego recently released updated brand guidelines with a new purpose of “Curiosity Must.” While the changes bring a “fresh look” to the campus, some of the more “suggestive yet markedly abstract” elements have left many students scratching their heads.

UCSD’s voice and messaging have been a target point since the recent “campaign like non other,” which was focused on “continuing the nontradition.” But new marketing material takes things a step further. Headlines are encouraged to be “provocative thought starters” in a new all-caps font. Examples include: “1,341,120 ft. HOW FAR WILL YOU GO TO CURE CANCER?” “HOME IS WHERE THE UNKNOWN IS,” and “DOWN HERE ONLY

BACTERIA CAN SURVIVE. WE GOTTA MEET THESE BACTERIA.” Meanwhile, new UCSD messaging is to remain “high-level” and “clear,” as evidenced by “obviously unambiguous and not-at-all ominous” refrains such as “The answers are out there, so out we go” and “Some discoveries must be felt.”

But in what is perhaps the biggest change of all, the abstract trident graphic element is to be replaced with a new element known as “grit.” “Students these days don’t have enough grit, so we want to help them out,” said the lead director of the brand redesign, talking about the new graphic elements that had been created. “Grit can be created through both sandpaper and loss. Therefore, we’ll be phasing out the abstract trident that everyone knew and loved, as well as the Geisel Library graphic el-

ement that nobody knew about or cared to love.”

When a student inquired if UCSD’s rebrand would also “spark some long-needed change on campus around the housing crisis, overadmission, or student parking,” the director brought his finger to the students lips, thanked the student for his “curiosity,” threw a smoke bomb at the ground, and leapt into a waiting UCSD shuttle bus, which quickly peeled away.

“This fake-deep marketing strategy is just an excuse for Khosla to ignore all our demands,” complained another student. “All we wanted was Khosla to be here for us. But now he just says he’s ‘everywhere and nowhere. Where the unknown begins. On the edge of everything that is, or has been, or was ever dreamed of.’ Whatever that means … ”

I’M BRIEFING IN THE CHEMICALS

STEM MAJOR DISCOVERED EATING AT ROOTS

Last Wednesday evening, Muir students reported that they caught a STEM student eating at Roots. “I was eating my food when all of sudden I saw a student walk in with a physics textbook,” said Studio Art major Artie Warhol. “I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn’t seeing things, but no, it really was a STEM student!”

“There’s no way that happened,” said Phil Sophie, a philosophy major. “Why would a STEM major even eat at Roots anyways? Everyone knows that only people who care about the environment or animal ethics would eat there. Does that sound like a typical STEM major to you? Obviously not.”

The STEM student was found to be physics major Dahraf Newton.”Look, Pines was all out of tendies, and there was no way I could stomach any more food from Sixth,” Newton confessed. “And just because I ate at Roots doesn’t mean I’m suddenly ‘humanities-curious.’ But please don’t tell my mom or she’ll stop paying for my schooling.”

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY MARKS 50 YEARS SINCE WHO PANDEMIC DECLARATION

On March 11, 2020, the WHO officially declared COVID-19 a pandemic. Three years later, many are still grappling with the impact of living through unprecedented times. “I lost literal years of my life! I was sitting silently in my Algebra II Zoom breakout room one day in April, and I blinked, and suddenly it was my 30th birthday,” explained San Diego resident Antoni Fauchi. “Every time I blinked, time passed faster, and I’ll never get that time back. I’m a 15-year-old living in a 65-year-old’s body.”

Emerging science at UCSD implies Fauchi may be correct. According to theoretical physicist Dr. Taimiss Fayke, the university’s physics, cognitive science, and psychology departments have “joined forces Voltron style” in an unprecedented study attempting to quantify the power of the human mind. “In theory, it should be 2023. But the collective trauma we experienced made three years feel like 50. Enough people felt that way that we bent the fabric of space-time and we’re living in 2070. It’s unprecedented. Preliminary data indicates that in a few months, the collective wishing power of the United States will reduce the national caseload down to zero and actually make COVID an event of the distant past.”

TARGET ANNOUNCES IDES OF MARCH PRIDE COLLECTION

On March 12, Target CEO Knott Pandring announced the newest entry to the store’s Pride collection of dishware and home goods: a set of 23 knives themed after the Ides of March.

“We wanted an innovative way to show our support for the LGBTQIA+ community,” Pandring said. “After four hours of intensive market research led by our Gen Z marketing team, they presented themed knives. According to one of our interns, ‘the gays on Tumblr eat this shit up.’”

Following the announcement, a pre-order form was emailed to Target Circle members. “I knew I had to get them as soon as I saw the Julius Caesar bust in the handle,” one buyer commented. “He just looks so sexy. I bet he would look even better helping me slice beef.” Another buyer was excited about the positive representation for the LGBTQIA+ community, stating, “I’m so excited about the new gay knives! I’ve been wanting to collect a whole queer cutlery set ever since Lana Del Rey came out with that cute mini spoon necklace!”

Target later announced a second version of the Ides of March collection. The new set, known as the Julius Slayyyysar edition, will feature the same “Idesinspired” designs with rainbow, glittery handles.

From the Chancellor’s Complex, Pradeep K. Khosla shared his perspective. “Prospective students need to look deeper and think further,” he said, peering down at his phone to check how much money the campus’ latest fundraising campaign had raised. “All of them. The ones who push. The ones who pull. The ones who can give us money for four years. Curiosity must — guide them to us. Wait, does that even make sense?”

Not all students feel strongly about the brand revamp, however. “Let us all take a step back and remember that every refresh looks ugly at first, but pans out well a short while later,” said one student. “Instagram, Slack, Discord, Dunkin’, Rubio’s, Meta … oh, wait, nevermind! Well, my mind is curious to see how this plays out.” Those interested in the new guidelines can find out more at brand.ucsd.edu.

STUDENT AWAITS PUNISHMENT FOR “BATHROOM GRINDING”

Controversy arose on campus when word spread that Itsara Chen, a third-year business major, was in the Catalyst Hall bathroom stall while on a Zoom call with his associates. Chen explained, “Between my five upper division business classes and my mandatory practicum, the only time I have to take work calls is when I’m using the little boys’ room.” Another student noticed, snapping multiple photos and uploading them to social media. These images made the rounds throughout campus, eventually reaching his TA, IA, RA, professor, Chancellor Khosla, and even his parents. When the news reached the UCSD administration, Khosla told Chen, “If you managed your time better, I’m sure you could find an extra 12 hours in the day to grind somewhere else.”

“Not only was this an abhorrent breach of privacy, it was demonstrable interference in a man’s livelihood,” said Chen. “UCSD tried to get me fired — I’m lucky that my associates were more disturbed by UCSD's response than they were by the toilet flushing noises throughout the call.”

Chen awaits disciplinary action from the UCSD administration, and some students speculate it will be even worse than “having the bag swiped from under your bathroom stall cubicle.”

Deductions

• Ten pounds of A5 Wagyu steak

• Headspace subscription

• Military defense budget

• RickandMorty Fortnite skins

• Donation of our 4-year-old son’s Turbo Spaghettidrawing (crayon on paper, valued at $5 million) to The Salvation Army

Dependents

Our family: the ants in our house, six haunted dolls, Sea-Monkeys, a tapeworm, and a dumb little baby

Total owed to the government: $1,438.22

Total owed to TurboTax: $131,203.17

TOP TEN

Self-Help Books

10. Men Loving Marketing Schemes

9. How to Capitalize on Socialism

8. How to Use a Sneeze to Control a Room

7. Moving Up in the World: How to Get Off the FBI Watchlist

6. How to Get a Book Printed and Published (Only available in PDF)

5. Bullying People into Giving You Money: Passive Aggressive Income

4. Do I Really Need Those? A Seller’s Guide to Selling Organs

3. How to Bribe Friends and Manipulate People

2. Networking: How to Use a Net

1. The Subtle Art of Giving Up

“I guess if you can’t tell what their brand is, they can’t do anything that’s off-brand,” stated one student.

PHOTO BY CONNOR BETTERLY

The MQ Creates a Breakfast Cereal

Has the cereal aisle in your local Vons felt … lacking? Are you ready for a yummy cereal that will BLOW YOUR TOP? We created the best cereal we could — full of edible ingredients as well as a few other things.

Good for you and your dog!

1 player tic-tac-toe