The MQ Volume 20 Issue 4

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

February 5, 2014

“God could send a message in the form of a goat.”

— Goat

Volume XX Issue IV

More than a paper. Less than a tree.

North Korea Predicts 1,500 Gold Medals, Collapse of Decadent West

IN THIS ISSUE MAD LIBS LOVE LETTERS

3

CRAPPY LIFE HACKS

5

GUIDE TO THE WINTER OLYMPICS

6, 7 9

ALL HDH FOODS PASTA AVN AWARDS RECAP

10

NEWS IN BRIEF He may have a country with rampant poverty, but you’ve got to hand it to him: He can really pull off sequins.

BY COLE STEFFENSEN

T

Assistant Social Chair

he Democratic People’s Republic of Korea recently released its predictions for the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, projecting a record-shattering 1,500 gold medals, equal num-

bers of silver and bronze medals, and the destruction of “a frivolous and indolent Western Capitalist Regime.” Additionally, the predictions call for a “global deference to the One True Korea,” and the nation’s Supreme Leader as the clear favorite in Men’s Ice Dancing.

The report was compiled by a team of experts on the Olympic Games from across the world, many of whom had disappeared for a “special initialization and training session” in the months leading up to the report. The experts, who convened in Pyongyang’s

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“Mental Rehabilitation and De-Westernization Center,” announced that “resistance [was] futile,” and that “soon, all [would] see the glory of Korean athleticism, even in the harsh winter climate.”

See N. KOREA, page 2

Dining Halls Close after HDH Loses Super Bowl Bet

CHRISTIANS DECLARE CALIFORNIA DROUGHT PUNISHMENT FOR “LIBERAL AGENDA” Christian denominations across the country have come to the collective conclusion that California’s current state of drought is, in fact, divine retribution for what they called the state’s “liberal, heathenous laws and culture.”

The religious authorities cited recent legislation and court decisions that have legalized gay marriage and medical marijuana.

“God is clearly angry at California’s gay-loving, gunhating, star-worshipping politics,” said Joshua Trembley, pastor of the Lord’s Fellowship Baptist Church in Galveston, Texas. “And now he’s seen fit to punish them by depriving them of their precious water.

“Soon, the heathen land of California will turn into a God-forsaken Hell,

completely devoid of life or happiness,” Trembley went on, the arid, barren landscape of Northern Texas clearly visible behind him.

“And this is just the beginning; I say unto you that a great storm will follow this calamity. It won’t be long before the entire coastline witnesses the wrath of the Almighty, and the blasphemous Californians will cower in fear!” he went on, the rafter above him continuing to rot from the last hurricane to strike his town.

Trembley then predicted that the states of Colorado and Washington would also be subjected to divine wrath due to their recent legalization of marijuana, which Trembley referred to as “the Devil’s plant.”

GIRL WITH PRESIDENTS DAY BIRTHDAY NOT EXCITED FOR GIFT CONSOLIDATION

Following the HDH shutdown, students were forced to hunt for their own Grade C- beef.

BY WALTER THAVARAJAH

F

Staff Writer

ollowing the loss of the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl, it was revealed that Housing, Dining, and Hospitality officials had wagered the entirety of their remaining yearly budget on the game, allegedly in an attempt to resolve overcrowding problems in the residence halls.

HDH announced the immediate closure of all on-campus dining facilities and removal of all provided housing amenities, citing the causes as “unforeseen circumstances” and “that [they] literally cannot stop hemorrhaging money.”

“We saw an opportunity and we took it,” said HDH Administrator Kelly Schwartz.

“Granted, we went from wanting to get rid of temporary doubles to having to get rid of electricity and running water, so I’m not sure how popular that decision will be.

“However, I stand by our choices,” Schwartz continued.

“Not worrying about the repercussions of our actions was exactly what got us into this situation, so it logically followed that similar actions would get us out.”

Student opinion on the matter has been mixed, ranging from outrage at the mysterious disappearance of dining dollars to stoic indifference towards the changes in circumstance.

“You know, when I really think about it, things haven’t gotten too much worse,” said freshman Lucy Huang. “Chew-

OLYMPIC SPEED SKATERS BREAK ALL BUT FOUR FINGERS Brought together by shared pain

ing on these leftover plastic forks is about as satisfying as eating whatever unidentifiable meat they served last week, and I didn’t get charged six bucks for them.

“I wasn’t even using the water or power anyway,” Huang continued. “With midterms coming up, I practically live in Geisel already, so taking sponge baths in the eighth floor bathroom wasn’t that big of a step for me. Still, the raccoons have been getting braver ever since the lights went out, so I should probably see a doctor about these weird bite marks I woke up with.”

In an effort to rectify the situation and assist students in their survivalist efforts, HDH has released a “Housing Survival Guide” containing help-

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

ful tips for students choosing to remain on campus. Sections include a collection of simple recipes, Burger King coupons, and a guide to preventing and treating scurvy.

After evaluating the changes in expenses, from the closure of dining halls to the elimination of all housing amenities, HDH has decided to continue the originally temporary cuts indefinitely, citing their reduced costs as an example of efficient spending.

“The way I see it, we’re serving the same number of students at just a fraction of the cost,” explained Schwartz.

“With the way things are going, I don’t think that anyone could begrudge us for being a little more conservative with our funds.”

IT HAS RISEN Selfie taker unaware that It demands sacrifice

Sidney Bailey of South Pasadena, Calif., who will turn nine on Presidents Day this year, is reportedly not pleased about the imminent consolidation of her birthday and Presidents Day gifts.

“Ugh, my mom is just going to lump my Presidents Day gifts together with my birthday gifts,” Bailey complained. “This happened three years ago too, when I asked for Barbie’s Dreamhouse. She gave me the Martha and Abe Lincoln Dreamhouse.”

Sidney’s mother, Kathy Bailey holds a different opinion on the matter.

“Who has time to shop for two kinds of gifts around

this busy holiday season?”

Mrs. Bailey said. “We’re really very lucky to have little Sidney’s birthday on Presidents Day.” Earlier in the week, Sidney had distributed invitations in school for her birthday party. Unfortunately, many of them turned the invitation down as a result of the holiday.

“It’s not that I don’t want to go to her party; it’s just that I RSVP’d for both a Jefferson and a Washington party at the same time,” fellow thirdgrader Camelia commented.

“Most of my family will be there and Presidents Day is the only time of year I get to see them.”

STUDY FINDS “STAYING POSITIVE” JUST NOT WORKING A study recently conducted found that, despite your best efforts, “staying positive” was just not working for you right now.

The study found that “staying positive,” an initiative that was started recently to curb the everpresent feeling of sadness, has not been effective in keeping the thoughts that “nothing is going well” at bay. Researchers found

that though the “staying positive” technique was effective at temporarily relieving the subject of general sadness, the inevitable buildup of negative emotion would overwhelm the subject over time.

Researchers concluded that “drowning feelings in ice cream” was a much more effective pick-me-up.

See BRIEFS, page 11

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theMQ.org

February 5, 2014

Study Finds Your Roommate Will Only Get Weirder

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

N. Korea

Derrick Brosnan, ex-NBC Olympic commentator and head of the North Korean Olympic Prediction committee, stated in his report: “The Glorious Leader expects big things in the coming months for not just North Korea, but the world at large — not only do we see Olympic domination in our reach, but we can also assuredly predict that America, in its bloated excess, will collapse in upon itself.” Brosnan, who left his wife and children for the special project, has now elected to live in the Supreme Leader’s palace as an athletic advisor and personal trainer to Kim Jong Un himself.

“Nothing would please me more than sculpting the Adonis-like body of the one true Korean leader,” stated Brosnan. “My foolish American family has only delayed The Son of the Great General’s progress in dominating his Olympic events.”

The predictions were compiled using top-secret prediction algorithms, and made reference to a number of previous Olympic Games, including the newly announced 2013 Autumn Korean Olympic Games held outside of North Korea’s capital. The games, featuring only North Korean competitors, awarded the nation its

15th, 16th, and 415th gold medals during its month-long duration. The Olympic committee was initially dubious of the games’ veracity, but after visiting the premises of the games, and the Mental Rehabilitation and De-Westernization Center, the committee has honored all medals awarded at the event.

Sandra Rossbach, head of the Olympic committee, said, “We have no reason to doubt that North Korea has held a fair and completely acceptable new series of games.

Sports such as Leader-Bowing, Synchronized Marching, and Not Speaking Out of Turn will be Olympic events of note for years to come. Also, please help me. I have a family, call —” before being escorted into the Center’s premises.

Some, however, are skeptical of the projections. According to a recent survey of North Korean citizens, 44 percent of the population expects the nation to win 1,600 or more medals, and 17 percent predict “the global population to forfeit all past and future medals to [their] one true leader, and the planet once known as Earth to be bestowed the name Kim Jong Un’s True Korea.” Another 9 percent were rounded up for questioning after predicting only a 900-medal lead.

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

Researchers hypothesize that this student is mimicking the behavior of the baby bats he keeps in his closet.

BY KYLE TRUJILLO

Assistant Design Editor

A

UC San Diego campuswide study released in January has found that idiosyncratic, nonnormative behavior among UCSD students’ roommates does not decrease with the progression of a college education, and may, in fact, increase. For the average student, this study indicates that weird roommates are not likely to get better, and could quite possibly become “way weirder.”

The year-long study was directed by head sociology researcher Danielle Garza.

“The data shows an unsteady, but nonetheless universal increase in weird behavior among roommates that were already pretty

weird when you started living with them,” explained Dr. Garza. “And I don’t mean ‘Oh, this isn’t ideal’ weird. I mean, buckle up.

“As your roommate becomes more comfortable in your presence, he or she will begin to show you just how strange they are,” continued Garza. The study cited instances of students stealing clothing; prolonging their time spent nude after a shower longer and longer; and licking surfaces to claim them, or even perhaps to taste something new.

The study has also suggested an idea most students interviewed had not grasped.

As one sees their roommates as strange, says the article, their roommate sees him or her as strange themselves.

One’s roommate is equally

disturbed by one’s dietary habits, sleep patterns, or one’s “fixation on that show Breaking Bad — I mean, I just don’t get it,” as local roommate Aaron Leer said.

This data was consistent throughout all six colleges, with a slightly higher concentration of “creepy” behavior reported in Sixth College.

In a particularly dramatic case in this study, Larry Meyers (a false name used to preserve the anonymity of study participants) requested a change in his living situation when he returned to his room after a weekend-long trip to Los Angeles to find most of the furniture and all his textbooks apparently chewed into a brownish paste and then regurgitated and dried to form a cave-like structure that took up most of the room.

The remaining wall space was covered in clippings from My Little Pony posters arranged in explicit sexual positions and bloody handprints. His roommate greeted him with a hiss and curled himself into a fetal ball, rolling into a corner of the structure.

Larry was then chased from the building by the feral raccoons that had been sharing a bed with his roommate for several weeks. Larry described the experience as “scarring.”

Sociologists drew a tentative conclusion from these findings: “It’s evident humans were never meant to live in such tightly enclosed spaces with each other.

“I honestly don’t know how these people aren’t killing each other with rocks,” said Dr. Garza.

Reasons Your Baby Can’t Walk 10. That glass of wine you swore wouldn’t matter during pregnancy 9. Look at those cute thighs! You want them to walk on those cute thighs?

8. Too turnt 7. They’re just trying to get away with being carried for as long as they can 6. Everything is a mom’s-arm’s length away 5. Ever since they got a car, walking has just become a chore 4. They’ve been skipping leg day 3. It would ruin the tenderness of their meat 2. Walking is for all those conformist, capitalist sheep 1. You’re a horrible parent

Editor-in-Chief...........................Allie Kiekhofer Managing Editor..........................Garrett Chan Content Editor.................................Kevin Chu Associate Content Editor............Riley Mallory Associate Content Editor.......Nathalie McLain Associate Content Editor...............Barak Tzori Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Assistant Design Editor.................Kyle Trujillo Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Graphics Editor...............................Sora Chee Assistant Graphics Editor..........Lawrence Lee Assistant Graphics Editor.......Katherine Wood

Copy Editor............................Andrew Deneris Assistant Copy Editor................Jacob Aguirre Business Editor............................Hillary Chan Web Editor..................................Connor Brew Publicity Chair..............................Trev Malone Social Chair............................Hilary Morefield Assistant Social Chair............Cole Steffensen Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert MQ Dad...............................Bora Buyuktimkin Foreign Correspondent..............Wesley Chan Foreign Correspondent...................Jessi Carr Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Summer Anderson Jack Beegan Corey Breier Andrew Buss Romelle Canonizado Mark Cayaba Alejandra Cervantes Rosa Cho

Too many people to take a functional boy band picture.

Becca Chong Angelique De Castro Dylan Everingham Jeffrey Filice Amber Gallant Alison Gilchrist Phillip Hodgson Rachel Huang

Avi Kabani Grace Kim Kayle Kvinge David Lee Crystal Martinez Mal Murray Sean O’Neal Audrey Olson

Corlin Palmer Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Tyler Takemoto Walter Thavarajah Brian Trenkle Howard Wang Jen Windsor

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. It’s 12:41 a.m., shirtless o’clock is upon us, and an RSO just came into the Sequoia Room to make sure we’re staying warm. Needless to say, it’s been an amazing weekend. I’m almost afraid for production to end because I’m not sure I’ll ever again laugh as hard as I have in these past four days. Every single person at production was an absolute pleasure to work with, and I think we made a smarter, more well-crafted, Oxford-comma-filled paper than we have in a long time. Natalie absolutely crushed leading her first production with a balance of confidence and humility that I’ve yet to master, and Riley and Barak were there to help her make every joke as great as it could be. I thought Sora and Ryan had graphics automated, but Katherine and Lawrence already taking it to the next level. (Don’t believe me? Look at the immaculate E-Messenger graphic Lawrence is redoing as I type this at 2 a.m.) We may be writing articles based on graphics by next production. Kyle was endlessly patient watching me fail to teach him InDesign — I have no doubt he’ll be teaching me in no time. Jacob and Andrew made a killer copy team. One of them could very well be proofreading this text over your shoulder as you read. I’m so proud and so lucky to work with you all. Thank you for gracing me with your tireless work, endless jokes, and truly good-natured love for this paper. I can’t wait to see you all again in five weeks. If you miss me, I’ll probably be in the office, waiting for production on our next issue to begin.

Booster Club Thanks to Ale for the chips; Elizabeth for the bread; and to David, Cole, and Jacob for bringing Valentines Day candy; we enjoyed pretending to enjoy the love-based puns. In the seafood category, thanks to Lawrence for bringing the shrimp chips and Trev for the peanuts that might have had tiny squids in them. Riley, Barak and Elizabeth, when you run out of dining dollars midway through next production, I’ll be waiting with rations for you.

Thanks to Jack and Garrett for helping us channel elementary schoolers with Girl Scout Cookies and Capri Sun, and thanks to Andrew for keeping time.

Thanks to Sora and Hilmo for bringing fresh grapes, but next time, maybe we’ll just rehydrate raisins to save money. And finally, Jen first cleaned our complete cesspool of an office and then, for some unknowable reason, brought us cookies the next day. I’m amazed and confused, but I’m not going to question it — I’ll just say thanks.

February 5, 2014

theMQ.org

Page 3

International Student’s Bowl Falls Flat at Super Bowl Party

Joe Biden Prepares to “Score Sweet Haul” of Hats in Sochi

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“I promised this administration would hide nothing, and I keep my promises,” said Biden.

BY BARAK TZORI AND JACK BEEGAN

Associate Content Editor and Staff Writer

“Why won’t anyone stop looking at that stupid game and focus on this competition?” Papadopoulos said.

BY LAWRENCE LEE

Assistant Graphics Editor

G

reek international student Chloe Papadopoulos’ hand-made an intricate, glittering ceramic bowl only to have it declared as “no Super Bowl” in her friends’ annual bowl contest. In fact, Papadopoulos’ bowl was, according to attendees, substantially outclassed by the only other bowl brought to the gathering.

“I’m not sure why she’s so disappointed at the loss. I mean, the event happens literally every year,” said Monica Blaskin, a nearby onlooker.

“And it’s not like there were more entrants this year anyways,” she added.

Among the other contestants was Dukus Whitacre, who brought a helmet-shaped bowl

emblazoned with the Seattle Seahawks logo on the side.

The competition was structured to give each contestant’s entry an impartial review by a panel consisting of two experts in the area, Tim Haff and Linus Cydil. Through elaborate sponsoring campaigns and advertising revenue, the organizers of the party managed to arrange a televised broadcast of the two judges.

Bowls were judged on a one, two, three, and six pointbased system in various categories, such as field goals (three points) and conversions (two points). To kick off the event, the owners were allowed to debate about the bowls, alternatively defending their own and offensively targeting the others’.

Cydil explained, “The idea here is to get them to rush at

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

prompting comfort from Karen Crook, her roommate.

“Shh, just give her a little time to recover,” Crook deflected. “It’s only been a short year since she turned over a bowl contest victory.”

“How could I not win? My bowl was so pretty and I put so much effort into it. I spent hours sanding it and putting the beads on,” Papadopoulos sobbed. “What the hell does a touchdown have to do with how good my bowl is?”

In response to his rival’s indignation, Whitacre simply responded, “Sucks to suck,” enthusiastically punctuated with an unrecognizable hand gesture.

Following the party, Papadopoulos and the other party-goers reportedly went bowling, where she scored a pathetic 34.

each other very quickly. That way, we draw out the best plays from both sides.

“I can never pass up a good old-fashioned debate,” Haff half-jokingly added.

Whitacre’s performance in that debate was accredited by the judges to have contributed most to his crushing victory. Some game-changing lines he delivered included “Eat it, Peyton Manning!” and “Pass the goddamn salsa, Jerry.”

Papadopoulos’ bowl received virtually no support from the crowd, which found it lacking compared to Whitacre’s helmet bowl. Likewise, the judges had no qualms tackling the task at hand, dispensing praise to the latter and criticism to the former.

Papadopoulos was reported to be noticeably upset,

Love Letter

Dear ___________________, (name of totally cute boy/girl)

Please don’t make me stay _______ feet away from you. I wish I could ________ you (number)

(verb)

again, because I worship the _______ you _____ on. Sometimes I go to ________________ (noun)

(verb)

(place we always used to go)

and remember all the good times. Then I ______ myself to your _____ while thinking of (verb)

(noun)

your ___________ _____________ your ___________. (family member)

(verb ending in -ing)

(family member)

(Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday)

I watch you and think about how much I love everything about you. I love your _____________. I love your _______________. I love the way you ______________ in the (glaring facial flaw)

(massive character defect)

(hygenic action)

______________. Just watching you _________ your ______________ makes me want to (hygiene room)

(verb)

_______________ my ________. (verb of self-mutilation)

(your favorite food)

(body part)

Every time I see a size _________ shoe, I get ____________ and commit __________ (shoe size)

(word of arousal)

(lewd act)

against ______________. I keep your ___________ in a ______________ that sits around (type of foliage)

(body fluid)

(small container)

my __________. Also, your __________ gave me copies of your medical records so that (erogenous zone)

(type of doctor)

I could make replicas of your __________________________________________. When (area that would make you feel most violated if it were made into a mold)

you ___________ I will take the skin from your _________ and make it into ___________ (verb of mortality)

(body part)

(fashion accessory)

to complete my collection.

What I’m trying to say is this: ________ are _________, ________ are _______, I have (flowers)

(color)

_________________ locked in my ________________. (partner’s family member)

(other flowers)

(other color)

(subterranean enclosure)

Have a good ______________________. I would say goodbye but I already know that (time of day you are reading this at)

I’ll see you at __________ in ___________________. (time)

Love, ______________ (Your name)

(place or event)

TOP TEN

Ways to Get a Free Meal

I see you at ________________ every _____________________. (time of day you leave work)

V

ice President Joe Biden expressed his anticipation on Saturday for the upcoming Olympic Hockey Tournament, citing his love for the game and his intention to “come out on top, big-time, in the hat game.”

“See, these suckers are so easily impressed. Put a puck in the net three times and they’ll just throw their hats onto the ice, no questions asked,” said the former senator. “That’s when I make my move.

“Look, I ate 2 bags of frozen pizza rolls Thursday night and I didn’t get anything,” he added.

“That ice’ll be nothin’ to me.”

The vice president revealed that his year-long preparation process is in its final stages, though he refused to go into further depth about the exact details of both his “bitchin’ plan” and “brutal preparation.”

Despite his secrecy, the plan is rumored to include multiple burlap sacks and seats behind team benches acquired in a political deal involving the Russian consulate, a caviar mogul, and “a guy he knows” in the import/export business.

“All the pieces are in place for my little hat-trick score,” said Biden. “Get it? Hat-trick score? Anyway, this gives me a great spot for a little trash talk, especially to the Latvian team — I got a bone to pick with those guys.

“Gave ‘em an earful all tournament in 2010 and they wouldn’t even react,” he added. “They just gave me these dumb looks and acted like they couldn’t speak English.”

Witnesses have reported numerous sightings of Biden training around the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area, running on frozen bodies of water with large burlap sacks on his back, though analysts have yet to reach a consensus as to whether this is part of his training regimen, or simply “Joe bein’ Joe.” Biden seemed to be looking forward to the hockey tournament for the sport itself as well.

“The opening game should be a good one,” he stated. “A classic grudge match between hockey powerhouses Sweden and the Czech Republic. I hope it matches the intensity of that historic semifinal game back in the 2006 games when the Swedes creamed the Czechs.

“I’m also excited for figure skating,” Biden continued.

“They’re two sides of the same coin: the ferocious power of hockey, the refined grace of figure skating — in dialogue, they illustrate the dichotomy of brutality and beauty which lies amongst the chaos we call the human experience.

“Also,” he added. “The figure skaters do really sick axels.”

The tournament will not begin until a week after the Olympic Games open, giving the vice president some free time to spend in Sochi. The American-Soviet cultural exchange program has invited Biden to tour a local matryoshka doll factory; Biden is reportedly excited to find out once and for all “how that shit really works.”

“I also heard about this Pussy Riot thing that’s going on but haven’t been able to find it. It really sounds like my kind of scene,” the vice president added.

10. Scream “I love Jesus and Korean BBQ!” on Library Walk 9. Set elaborate traps for raccoons and freshmen 8. Go to The Bistro, say you’re waiting for your date, eat wontons for an hour, and then run out sobbing 7. Disguise yourself as a grill 6. Walk around Pines for a few hours and ask everyone if they’re “gonna eat that” 5. Spend a year becoming an RA, pour your heart into planning house events, and eat all the snacks alone when nobody shows up or cares 4. Create multiple identities in order to give blood every day for the free food 3. If you do it quietly enough, no one will notice you’re eating all the books in Geisel 2. A lot of things are free at gunpoint 1. Did you know your ID card contains 3,000 Monopoly dollars?

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February 5, 2014

Utah Mormons Fear Gay Marriage

Groundhog Sees Shadow, Six More Weeks of Winter Quarter to Follow

Search Underway for New Promised Land

PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

They say each one of Nigel’s abnormally large front teeth was sculpted by four thousand angels.

BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM

T The trip is expected to take a great deal of time as they intend to stop at every single door on their way.

BY ANDREW DENERIS

A

Copy Editor

fter a federal judge’s ruling in Kitchen v. Herbert briefly nullified Utah’s constitutional ban on gay marriage, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints announced the start of a search for replacement headquarters outside of the state of Utah.

“While the Supreme Court, thankfully, has stayed the ruling that allowed homosexuals to form unholy unions in our state, the possibility remains that Utah will ultimately be forced to allow them to resume in the capital of Mormonism,” said church spokesman Jason Abernathy at a Salt Lake City press conference. “What’s more, even if the state does prevail in the lawsuit, the marriages

that have already taken place have irreparably harmed the status of Utah as a haven of the Mormon faith, what with their adopting and converting straight children to the gays’ lifestyle,” he added.

“We Mormons have always believed that Heavenly Father reveals His will to us, His chosen people, through our leader and Prophet, Thomas S. Monson,” said Boyd Packard, president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and chairman of the Committee to Find ‘The Place’ (Again). “As such, the Prophet has been touring different locations that have laws and cultures more in line with church values, in the hope that divine inspiration will strike him.

“So far, he’s been to Russia, Saudi Arabia, and Venezuela,”

Packard added. “He’s going to visit Pakistan next; I hear it’s gorgeous this time of year.”

LDS Utahns expressed excitement at the opportunity for the church to revive longabandoned traditions, like polygamy, racial segregation and institutionalized sexism.

“I’m thrilled at the prospect of bringing the majority of my wives into my public life,” said Utah resident Robert Jessop, who has already sold his Salt Lake City home and packed all of his belongings in preparation to move to the church’s new eventual homeland.

Should the proposed Mormon diaspora indeed occur, Utah risks losing up to 60 percent of its population. The Utah Democratic Party, which would become the primary political authority in the postMormon state, has responded

PHOTO BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL

to this possibility by proposing a merger of Utah with neighboring Colorado.

“It’s the obvious choice,” said party chairman Ryan Anderson. “Once all the Mormons leave, ski bums, drug addicts, and indie film buffs will be all that’s left here. We won’t be able to run the state ourselves, so we might as well join one that also has great skiing and liberal politics.

“Plus, the combined state could be the first state in the country to legalize both gay marriage and marijuana! Talk about putting us on the map,” he added.

At press time, a meeting of the party in Salt Lake City was discussing possible names for the new state.

Current contenders include “Colorutah,” “Utarado,” and “South Dakota 2.”

Student Shocked that Drinking Alone in Dorm Continually Fails to Land Him Hot Dates

Staff Writer

his Sunday, a crowd gathered on campus to witness the annual emergence of UCSD’s beloved resident groundhog, Nigel, from his home in the school sewers.

Onlookers held their breath as the all-powerful master of weather and time reared his cute little head and peered nervously over the edge of the storm drain.

There was a short debate concerning whether the shadow Nigel briefly glanced across was truly his own or if it in fact belonged to one of the many nearby eucalyptus trees, a passing raccoon, or perhaps a member of the vicious radical mob attempting to blind Nigel with pepper spray. But soon enough rodent experts from the Biology department were able to clarify that the shadow had indeed displayed “groundhog-like characteristics” such as furriness and darkness. Yet, as one of the experts commented, “It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. It’s not like we mere mortals can dispute Nigel’s complete temporal mastery.”

As tradition holds, Nigel seeing his shadow is an indication that winter quarter should continue for six weeks longer than it would otherwise, and school administrators were once again compliant in updating the academic calendar to match the groundhog’s designs.

Some students have decried this path of action because it has in the past pushed the end of winter quarter well into spring and the average number of midterms per course up to 7.8. But administrators cite the winter of 2007, during which their predecessors were imprisoned and executed by a local court following their refusal to

obey Nigel’s wishes, as “a lesson we can all learn from.”

Student reaction has been mixed; while most have followed the custom of locking themselves in their rooms for a week following Groundhog Day to hide from Nigel’s supernatural wrath, a small but growing movement has elected to reject the norm, going to class and being mean to the adorable little guy.

“It’s not that I hate Nigel,” says Sasha Jones, philosophy major and ferocious opponent of Nigel’s agenda. “I don’t rule out the possibility that Nigel is the creator and ruler of the universe; I’m accepting of all belief systems. I just worry a little that mandatory school-funded groundhog worship might be a violation of the separation of church and state.”

Dan Plevin, political science grad student and founding member of the local chapter of the Church of Holy Nigel of Latter Day Winters, feels that these students are a bit misguided.

“Heathens, the lot of them,” Plevin comments. “Probably failed their Introduction to Groundhog Divinity courses.

I say, if they can’t finish their school requirements they don’t deserve their student exemption from the sacrifice lottery any more. We’ll run out of sanitation workers and hobos eventually.”

For now, it seems that local customs are unlikely to change; most people will be perfectly happy with the groundhog’s decision, six weeks will show up in the space-time continuum somehow and there will always be students who wish they were on the semester system instead. And Nigel will be waiting for us at the same time next year, judging us with his tiny wet eyes and holding our futures in his furry little paws.

TOP TEN

Similarities between Hooters and Your Piano Teacher’s House

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

Williams has given the Solo cup a whole new meaning.

ALEJANDRA CERVANTES

L

Staff Writer

ocal student Steve Williams has reported being shocked to find that his attempts to “get hot chicks” by drinking alone in his dorm have not significantly increased his number of suitors.

Williams, a transfer student from UC Irvine, whom fellow students have described as “average-looking” and “not particularly charming,” has confirmed to reporters that he has been repeating the same bold and romantically risky act of consuming large amounts of alcohol alone every weekend since the beginning of the school year with no results thus far.

“Ever since the start of fall

quarter, I’ve really put myself out in the dating game by binge-drinking alone in my dorm every weekend, but to no avail,” said Williams, emphasizing the amount of courage required to undergo this “brutal cycle” week after week. “It sucks that I’m placing myself in a really vulnerable position and no one is reciprocating my emotions.”

Williams, forgoing more traditional methods of meeting people such as joining clubs, going to events, or even just greeting people around him in lecture, has surprisingly received no date offers since the school year began.

“I’ve tried to keep him aware of all of the school’s organizations and events — that’s really the best way to meet new people,” said Anita

Muller, Williams’ residential advisor. “But he said that a ‘cool guy’ like him can’t be bothered with childish things like school-organized events.”

Williams acknowledged to reporters that he finds attending things like general body meetings, school dances, carnivals, pep rallies, or any other social event is “trying too hard” and “a little desperate.”

“I prefer to keep things natural, you know? Just let things flow and allow women to follow their primal instinct straight into my dorm, even if they have no possible way of knowing who I am,” said Williams.

In addition to drinking alone in his dorm, Williams also reportedly threw seven solo movie nights, four oneman dinner parties, and

three unaccompanied game nights, attempting to “land fine honeys.”

Williams also confirmed to reporters that he had cultivated a long range of hobbies and interests, including breathing loudly, eating with his mouth open, and maintaining poor hygiene, all skills which he believed would draw more attention to himself, ideally from the kind of girl interested in a “hot date.”

“I just don’t get it — girls should be flocking to me, right?!” said Williams.

At press time, Williams was seen sitting on his top bunk while holding a red Solo cup full of mixed rum and Pepsi.

“You know, it’s probably for the best. All of the girls at UCSD are ugly anyway,” said Williams.

10. Your dad takes you there every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday 9. Civility constructed solely on the basis of a monetary transaction 8. Sometimes you wonder how that four-year-old got here 7. They throw you out after an hour 6. Pretty sure this woman’s name isn’t actually Cinnamon 5. She stops smiling when you’re not watching 4. You regret giving her a hearty slap on the ass 3. You always make a mess out of whatever you’re doing when she leans over 2. Tipping always leads to extra one-on-one time 1. You see your piano teacher there

THE MQ

The hottest new Ponzi scheme on campus.

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

February 5, 2014

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Page 5

Brutal Gang Dismantled

Revealed to be Comprised Entirely of Undercover Agents

Sherlock Series Three Ends, Bets Being Taken on When Series Four Arrives

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

The research process was greatly hindered by the fact that Benedict Cumberbatch is not, in fact, Sherlock Holmes.

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Boy, I hope nobody notices these new guns are from the US Army,” every single member of the gang thought, before saying aloud, “We should totally do illicit activities with these!”

BY RILEY MALLORY

Associate Content Editor

W

hite House Press Secretary Jay Carney confirmed this week that the nationwide criminal organization The First Street Kings has been discovered to consist entirely of undercover law enforcement agents, each attempting to uncover evidence to bring the criminal enterprise down. This discovery marks an end to the organization’s brutal paramilitary efficiency and organization, which, Carney has confirmed, “make a lot more sense in retrospect,” that have for the last two decades plagued law enforcement agencies across the United States.

“We essentially have an entire gang, from the top ranking members to the bottom foot soldiers, of officers from nearly every division of law enforcement operation in the United States: Sheriff’s offices, US Marshals, ATF, CIA, Homeland Security, and several overly serious mall cop,” said Carney on Friday.

When asked how a mistake of this scale could occur, especially in light of the brutal crimes and killings they had committed, Carney responded, “Well, all those programs were secret. And I guess, I mean, no one with the proper credentials ever bothered to ask.”

A joint federal investigation began in 2011 but was quickly abandoned after its file was misfiled into the multistory warehouse that stores President Obama’s files on his killing of Osama bin Laden.

The nature of the First Street Kings’ membership became known to top level FBI, CIA, and ATF officials in November of 2013 when FBI special agent Mark Dalton, ATF officer Ari Green, and MPAA rater Alfred Nuñez all attempted to reach for a dropped pen and had their badge fall from their pockets in unison, starting an investigation that uncovered the breadth of the issue within six months.

“After we identified maybe two dozen of these guys as undercovers from various organizations, we realized we might

have a larger issue,” said CIA Special Agent Stephen Daily.

“We started calling to the CIA branches — CIA Miami, CIA New York, CIA Special Victims Unit, CIA Criminal Intent — and we got flags left and right.”

Though they have dealt heavily in domestic markets for high-grade firearms and narcotics — procured through government programs in the effort to better track these crimes — much of the market for the First Street Kings has occurred overseas.

The Kings have been known to have business dealings with organizations like the Taliban and the IRA. “Well, the problem we face now is that our agents organized such effective methods for evading law enforcement involvement in their black market deals; we actually have very little information regarding those they dealt with overseas,” said Carney, reportedly visibly shaking.

“I mean, we know they like high grade assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets, which we sold them a lot of.”

Carney was optimistic that law enforcement officials may be able to trace these groups after they use the weapons they were sold to commit mass killings in their own countries.

“This is far from the first massive failure in interdepartmental communication in US history,” said Dr. James Lennon, a professor of North American History at Stanford University. “The only one on this scale I can recall, however, is the Moon Landing Incident in 1969, where a CIA project to fake a lunar landing was preempted by NASA’s Apollo 11 mission.”

“Did we spend millions in the creation of an organization responsible for some of the most brutal crimes in American history, and then spend millions more combating it? Yes. Through the Kings’ black market dealings, did we fund brutal dictatorships and quasi-terrorist … Yes. But from this process we were … we were able to … we,” said Carney, who then began hyperventilating and subsequently left the podium.

Crappy Life Hacks

Tired of litter training your cat? Put it outside; it’s someone else’s cat now.

Fishhooks are a cheap and nautical alternative to earrings (great for piercing ears too).

BY JACOB AGUIRRE AND ELIZABETH O’NEIL

Assistant Copy Editor and Design Editor ollowing the Feb. 2 premiere of “His Last Vow,” the final episode of BBC’s “Sherlock” series three, fans are already anticipating Sherlock Holmes’ next move, their primary concern being when that next move will happen.

Various professionals have stepped forward to offer their predictions and offer various methods for pinpointing the next release date. Taking the analytical approach, Buckinghamshire mathematician Arthur Sherman is working with his graduate students to create a mathematical model to predict the precise air date and time of the next series.

“We have narrowed down our predictive model to three possibilities — arithmetic; geometric; or an unknown, undiscovered pattern — all depending on when the series actually arrives,” Sherman stated.

“Despite our goal of predicting the arrival of the next series, insufficient data is available to accurately finish the model. If Chair Head Sherlene Sanborn would approve more funding, we could definitely eliminate one of the models,” Sherman explained.

“However, I guess someone doesn’t believe in the importance of this hyper-relevant research. She believes the money would better be spent discovering what mathematics is anyway.”

On the other side of academia, literary critics without new material to analyze have begun to dissect the intricate symbolism behind the aesthetic choices in “His Last Vow.” One such individual, labeled by friends and family as “a shadow of his former self,” is 19th-century crime fiction masters candidate Christopher McDonald. McDonald has taken to watching “Sherlock” in an effort to augment his studies of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original works.

“When contrasting the works of Doyle with the adaptations of Stephen Moffat and Mark Gatiss, it is necessary to address the plot holes introduced by the latter’s largely artistic interpretation,” McDonald noted. “In addition,

F

closer analysis of the couch in 221B Baker Street from a chromatological perspective revealed a veiled cry for help from Moffat.”

Third-party sources confirm that after his “excessive” research, McDonald has placed his bet for Aug. 23, 2016.

The self-titled “Cumberbitches,” a vocal sect of the larger Benedict Cumberbatch fan club the “CumberCollective,” are more optimistic about the expected release of “Sherlock” series four, having hedged their bets for a weekly, year-round series beginning in May. “Honestly, we would be happy with a weekly promotional still of Sherlock Holmes sleeping in the nude,” social media specialist and CumberCollective member Lorena Martins professed. “But I guess we’ll settle for anything at this point as long as it includes Ben’s diamond-cutting cheekbones and sun-slatting-through-the-rain-aftera-spring-storm eyes. Please Moffatiss, we’re begging.”

In reaction to the speculation, members of the BBC began to release mixed signals in regards to the airdate of series four. Though the actors remain least optimistic about the release dates, they are hoping for some time in the next ten years because “these pretty faces won’t last forever.”

“Unfortunately, BBC programming has always been limited due to the One Set, Twenty Actor Act of 1936,” producer Mark Gatiss lamented.

“Luckily, we’ve found a loophole in that relatives of the cast and crew are not considered actors by the BBC charter and thus may work without wage or repercussion.”

As both “Doctor Who” and “Downton Abbey” are currently in production, the BBC’s projected film dates for Sherlock all fall in the summer of 2017, at the earliest. BBC executives have decided to air reruns of the hit series “Top Gear” to appease fans until a date has been officially decided upon.

Meanwhile, the betting pool revolving around the validity the 2017 estimation has reached a value larger than the budget for “Sherlock” series four and five combined.

TOP TEN

Tired of spending all that time drinking juice from a crazy straw? Turn it into a regular straw!

Can’t afford a hat? Anything is a hat if you can balance well enough.

Vermin overrunning your house? Cover your naked body in peanut butter and become the rat king.

Want to prevent pregnancies?

Pour boiling water over your crotch.

Tips for Healthy Living 10. Kale. Kale. And more kale 9. Only eat what you kill 8. Hold your breath every once in a while 7. Buy your ice cream from Whole Foods 6. Take the stairs 5. Do Kegels during lecture 4. Intercourse it up with a sexy lady on a regular basis 3. Punch a hole in your spoon when you eat soup 2. Sexually fetishize exercise 1. Stop playing in traffic — you’ve been hit like three times

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February 5, 2014

The MQ’s Guide to the Winter Olympics

Skiing. Slalom. Snow Judo. These are just some of the types of sports you’ll see happening at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. But it’s so much more than hot people in skintight suits romping in the cold — the Olympics have been a storied event since the first snowstorm in Greece.

From scintillating snowplay to some dudes roughing it out on the ice, The MQ is here to walk you through some of the finer and less appreciated aspects of the Winter Olympics.

Ma bra

Little Known Winter Olympic Sports: While the athletically inept watch Hockey or Luge, any true Olympic connoisseur knows that the real thrill is to be found in the more obscure sports, such as Snow Judo and Journalist Incarceration. Here are some of the best lesser-known Olympic sports so you can pretend to know what the game of Ice Sport Ball is all about.

Slavic Ice Knife Dancing

Zamboni Races

It’s one of the Games’ newest and most dangerous events, but the routines will cut straight to the heart.

Literally and figuratively.

Immediately following Figure Skating, Ice Hockey, and Slavic Ice Knife Dancing. Who can clean the ice up the fastest?

Beyond the Podium:

Few people know that the real Olympic awards are handed out right after story time at the all-Olympic Village slumber party.

Here are some additional honors that only the most elite are awarded

The Most Medals Medal

Best Kill/ Death Ratio

Purple Heart

Didn’t Cry

Best Use of Performance Enhancing Drugs

Special Snowflake Award

Most Improved

Drunkest Curler

Sharpest Nipples

Most Shame Brought to Own Country

Do

February 5, 2014

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Page 7

The Winter Olympics Through Time 2.4 billion BC

God creates malleable form of frozen water for people to enjoy

776 BC

Greeks discover it doesn’t matter if your wang looks small when it’s cold outside

100 BC

Narwhal Jousting

Summer athletes jealous, create their own Olympics

any snow superstars compete in this noble and celeated sport, such as Shaquille O’Neill and Mirai Nagasu.

1912 Arsonist accidentally creates delightful Olympic tradition

1931 Scandinavian decides skiing and shooting guns at the same time is pretty cool

1996

Apolo Ohno doesn’t have any friends, turns to ice rink in backyard

2002 Olympic Village fornication creates massive super race

3200 BC

Bronze age delights 3rd place contenders

123 BC

Olympics’ intense display of homoeroticism relabeled as “sports”

1860

Invention of ski jump follows horrible accident

1916

Sword-Shoes fail as a weapon in WWI. Ice skating invented with surplus

1943

Everyone accidentally shows up a year late to the Olympics (sorry, traffic was crazy)

2001

NBC realizes they can double up on Olympic ad revenue

2008

2010

Vancouver weirds everyone out with strange opening ceremony; reaffirms that the West is nothing in comparison to illustrious China

Thawing

on’t count this one out — it gets surprisingly nail-biting in the last few seconds. Follows the much more popular Competitive Cryogenics event.

2050 Global warming naysayers try to put swimming in Winter Olympics

3050

Spice Girls reunite

2013

Shaun White cuts hair, opinions mixed

2086

Hell freezes over, sends first delegation

First Nuclear Winter Olympics

Failed Olympic Bids

Carnival Cruise Ships

It’s hard to imagine that Sochi was made the Winter Olympic destination by anything other than a lack of options. Surprisingly enough, however, the Olympic committee passed up several prime locations in favor of the not-sowintery Russian city. See the ones that got away in this brief glimpse at failed 2014 Olympic bids.

UC San Diego

— Surf-and-Ski package deal — Bunk-mates system makes Olympian sex much more accessible — No opening ceremony, just footage of the ship going around the world picking up all the athletes — We’ll take the ship somewhere snowy, don’t worry about it — Maintains long-standing tradition of underrepresented, underappreciated staff — Reason for denial: Conflicted with Cher’s year-long sea tour

Chernobyl

— La Jolla is just as homophobic as Sochi — Peterson Hill would be an awesome skiing spot — I-House is practically an Olympic village anyways — Chancelor Khosla is a celebrated Olympian — We’re five minutes away from the beach; we could totally walk there to get water to freeze — Reason for denial: There’s no parking; plus, we got into Berkeley

— Hotel rates are really low, and have been since the late 1980s — The mole people that have taken refuge there are surprisingly peaceful — High name recognition — Has about the same integrity of infrastructure as Sochi — All-you-can-eat, three-eyed catfish buffet — Reason for denial: Olympic Committee screener mysteriously disappeared

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February 5, 2014

Obama Talks Up Obamacare, Fact that He Killed bin Laden

Amazon Prime Air Allows for Even Faster Delivery of LateNight Impulse Buys

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

Americans are privileged not only to have commodities delivered by drone, but also the power to stop one if they wish.

BY TREVOR MALONE

O “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what I have already done for this country,” said Obama.

I

t has been three years since al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s death in Pakistan, and four since the Affordable Care Act, or “Obamacare,” was signed into law. In his new year’s address on Jan. 2, the president chose to focus on these developments, widely recognized as two of his most important achievements throughout his two terms.

President Obama was ostensibly “optimistic” about his administration’s future in 2014.

“Because of all our efforts this past year, despite numerous challenges, Americans are entering a new year without any fear of being denied healthcare coverage because of a pre-existing condition or

their gender, or fear of being blown up by Osama bin Laden. Well, you still might get blown up, but it won’t be by that guy,” quipped the president, causing Vice President Biden to guffaw loudly and slap his knee in merriment.

“But this year, my fellow Americans, we will all be able to cash in on our health insurance for those missing limbs!” the president exclaimed, to thunderous applause, again from Joe Biden.

The president received some muted applause from people who are not the Vice President when he remarked that “getting pumped full of red-hot, freedom-loving, American democracy bullets of vengeance” would be one of the few conditions not covered by Obamacare.

Obama then took a more serious tone, quickly listing

the reforms of the Affordable Care Act, having memorized them, as well as explaining his hopes for the successful implementation of the bill throughout the year. He also pointed out that unlike bin Laden’s execution, Obamacare has been upheld as lawful by the Supreme Court.

However, his following statements were more direct challenges to state representatives and legislators with whom he has butted heads over the past few years.

“I would now like to address the bill currently in consideration in the Missouri State Senate. This bill threatens to suspend insurance companies’ state licenses if they accept subsidies from the federal government to help pay health insurance premiums for low- and middle-income Missourians.”

The president stared silently at the podium for many moments, then shook his head and smiled. “Let me be clear. Shutting down the government didn’t work.

Taking a constitutional challenge to the Supreme Court?

Didn’t work. Hiding in a remote compound in Pakistan didn’t work. Americans cannot escape healthcare. Not even the poor people. And we should all learn to accept this.” Mr. Obama then laughed for nearly a minute, pointing a shaky finger at Mitch McConnell as an image of a predator drone was projected onto the wall behind him.

The president’s speech then ended abruptly, with the parting words “Thank you, everybody, and Godbless Ah-killed-bin-Ladenmerica!”

nline shopping powerhouse Amazon recently announced the development of its new quick package delivery service, Amazon Prime Air. The service, which is composed of unmanned flying drones exiting from various distribution centers, promises to deliver “all that stuff you didn’t know you simply HAD to have in your life until you just saw it two minutes ago while searching for that Michelle Branch album; you know the one,” within thirty minutes of ordering.

Amazon representative Regina Patterson refers to the technology as a “revolution for modern shoppers, who not only expect fast delivery times, but deserve them as soon as possible, no matter how unorthodox the purchase may seem.”

Patterson also commented on the growing number of purchases made on Amazon. com at night and stressed that “late night impulse buys” are not only eligible for the service, but were a main target demographic for the services development.

“Who are we to keep those customers from our goods at the times when they want them most, like on a not-solonely Friday night shopping with their old pal Jim Beam?” said Patterson in a press conference Tuesday. “When Amazon Prime Air is available to everyone in 2015, forget about waiting two days for that sweatshirt with the giant

pug face on it! You’ll be able to go from regular to red carpet-ready less than an hour after ordering!”

Although Amazon Prime Air is not due for release for another year, some already question the service’s functionality. Lifestyle Journalist and Brunswick, Maine, native Horatio Templeton is the creator of the “Keep Amazon on the Ground” campaign, whose online petition has over 100,000 signatures. Templeton describes the service as “making more promises than it can keep,” and “a clear vehicle for even more package thefts.” Templeton goes on to say that if all a person had to do is bring down a “glorified RC helicopter” to steal someone’s order, he, along with his many followers, does not trust his packages with such a service. “If I have to wait longer to make sure that series box set of FTroop and Camo Underwear Set actually shows up, that is a sacrifice I will gladly make.”

Responding to such security concerns, Patterson issued a press release last Tuesday ensuring the public that “although attaching machetes to the Amazon Prime Air Drones has been ruled as an ‘unethical’ security measure by air traffic control groups, we at Amazon are continually developing this technology to make sure that you receive that ‘abnormally large package of plain yogurt you bought at 3:30 am because you didn’t know plain was a flavor of yogurt and you got too excited’ quickly and without risk of theft.”

TOP TEN

Little Known Facts about the U.S. Presidents

How to turn in your reader poll:

(1) Fill out poll

(2) Get scissors, cut out poll

(3) Turn in reader poll to The MQ, Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

Reader Poll: Do you like us?

Y/N

BY KYLE TRUJILLO

Assistant Design Editor

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

Publicity Chair

10. The title “president” comes from George President Washington’s middle name 9. All presidential decisions in 2012 were made by Bo choosing bowl A or B 8. Abe Lincoln only went to Ford’s Theatre because he was promised Dave and Buster’s afterward 7. All US presidents speak with a four minute delay for security purposes 6. After his inaugural speech, the president is carried to his bedroom for the bedding ceremony 5. Calvin Coolidge is the hidden fourth member of Run-D.M.C. 4. As a result of their torrid love affair, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” was a sexually charged statement 3. Technically, Jesus was our first president, but it seems that America has forgotten her Christian values 2. Jimmy Carter is my favorite president 1. Presidents sometimes lie

February 5, 2014

theMQ.org

Page 9

Area Woman Schedules Feb. 14 Gynecologist Appointment

HDH to Phase Out All NonPasta Foods by 2016

“I’ll take a tall, cold glass of Pesto.”

BY ANDREW BUSS

T PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“My daughter made me this hat. I sort of have to wear it,” Dr. Heim clarified.

BY HILARY MOREFIELD AND ELIZABETH O’NEIL Social Chair and Design Editor

D

ue to an opening in her schedule, Cynthia Drummond, 28, scheduled her annual gynecology appointment for Friday, Feb. 14, at 4:30 in the afternoon at the office of Dr. Harrison Heim, M.D., OBGYN. As Drummond prepared to leave her apartment, she noticed her roommate, Denise Patel, getting ready for a date with her boyfriend of one week. Her boyfriend, Alex Cacahuetas, reportedly planned to take her to Dave and Busters in order to watch him beat his high score of 170 on skee-ball.

Patel kept apologizing to Drummond for leaving her alone, but later Drummond admitted that she “didn’t know why, because Alex re-

ally sucks and I would rather spend any night alone over being with him.”

Once she arrived to Dr. Heim’s office, Drummond was seated in the windowless pastel waiting room amongst the informational diagrams, outdated issues of Women’s Health, and loose-leaf pamphlets entitled “Contraception and You.” After reading the “3 Simple Steps to an At Home Breast Exam” poster on the wall multiple times, Drummond turned to speak with the desperate young couple with a crying newborn to her right to stave off further boredom.

“I had plans, such good plans,” the father muttered, as he pulled at his hair and looked up to avoid the detailed “beauty of birth” mural lining the opposite wall.

“Such a nice meal, gone to waste. Dammit Seymour, you

have ruined everything since the day you clawed your way out of the womb.”

Suddenly more willing to learn about the stages of breast cancer, Drummond scooted a few seats away from them and resumed her previous activity.

Finally the receptionist called her name in a nasally voice and Drummond was then led into a room with foetal development and uterine diagrams lining every wall. She was then asked to put on a thin paper gown, a request that caused her to sigh and mumble, “Honestly, I might as well be naked.”

After another uncomfortable five minutes of laying in what felt like a roll of sweaty paper towels, Drummond finally got to see Dr. Heim. He proceeded to walk across the room, asking how her week had been and if her job was still treating her well.

As the examination proceeded, Drummond could not stop staring at the slightly sexist comic on the ceiling above as Dr. Heim crooned comments such as “your inner and outer labial coloring are exquisite” and “your cervical mucus is the perfect consistency for when you are in your cycle.”

After he removed his then-sticky nitrile gloves, Dr. Heim asked what Drummond planned to do with the rest of her holiday, with a suggestive smirk on his face.

Drummond, indifferent to the societal norms associated with the day, responded that she planned to go home and sleep, because “it’s been a long week, and I deserve some alone time.

“Plus,” she continued as she walked out, “I enjoy exercising my pubococcygeus muscle by myself, thank you very much.”

Boy Meets Girl with Similar Music Taste, Must Be Soulmates

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Do you like this song?” Crowley asked. “What? I can’t hear you over this amazing song you’re playing,” Selmes replied. “What? I can’t hear you!” Crowley yelled.

BY NATALIE MCLAIN

Associate Content Editor

U

CSD freshmen Silvia Crowley and Billy Selms have reportedly found love in the campus-wide mating frenzy preceding Valentine’s Day, pegging the single factor of musical taste as their impetus to both begin and continue a romantic relationship.

According to witnesses, the pair met at Pines, each initially with their respective groups of friends. In the midst of the lunchtime bustle, a song

by Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. was played through the dining hall speakers, catching the attention of both students.

“I started talking all excited to my friends. You know, ‘I love

this song! I’ve never heard it anywhere other than my own iTunes before,’” said Crowley.

“And I heard someone saying the same thing, so I turned around and there he was.”

“They’re, like, actually perfect for each other,” said self-proclaimed best friend and ‘serious Silly [a portmanteau of Crowley and Selms’ first names] shipper’ Cammy Myers.

“I was there when they first met, and it was that moment when he started talking about Cat Empire and Pogo, you know?” Myers added. “Her eyes just lit up and like, she knew. She totally knew that he was the one.”

Despite the enthusiasm expressed by close acquaintances of the couple, sources

less emotionally involved with the pair have expressed more hesitation toward confirming the notion that the couple is, indeed, “meant to be.”

“As happy as I am to have her preaching to someone else about the subtleties in defining the different genres of music, I think their relationship is just weird,” said Crowley’s roommate Kassandra Sims. “Most on-campus students have to worry about walking in on their roommate doing it with someone.

I have to worry about walking in and hearing something that sounds like a wailing cat trying to keep time with a metronome while Silv or her beau start to say something, but then cut themselves off and sink back into awkward

silence as they avoid eye contact. It’s just painful to watch.”

In addition, several individuals have reported seeing both Selms and Crowley sitting in vehicles together, not talking, and simply listening to track after track for hours on end. Similar reports confirm that the couple rarely communicates in sentences longer than three or four words, and that often they rely on different soundtracks to relay their feelings to one another.

“I mean, it’s not the easiest thing in the world,” said Selms of his apparent lack of communication with Crowley. “Choosing a place to eat is always pretty difficult. She’ll start playing me a song when I ask, but it’s hard to tell sometimes. Like, you’re playing me jazzy rock. That probably means Italian, but it could also mean New Wave European with a little bit of post-recessional styling. You see how it can be confusing.”

Despite such snags, the couple continues to emphatically claim that they are indeed soulmates, and that their nearly identical taste in music is a bond “stronger than any love based on talking and stuff” could ever be.

Recently, Selms asked Crowley via spliced remixes of his favorite songs in Garage Band to move in with him, as his roommate recently moved off-campus in what he cited as an attempt to escape Crowley’s “constant judgment of his Fallout Boy discography.”

The couple plans to move in together in the coming weeks. However, few arrangements have been solidified yet, as finding a song that says, “Are you a top or a bottom [bunk]?” has been “exceedingly difficult.”

Staff Writer

he Housing, Dining, and Hospitality (HDH) Administration announced Monday the conclusion of its controversial five-year trial of pasta, along with an ambitious plan to transition its cafeteria and market offerings to an exclusively pasta-based selection by 2016.

Citing affordability and nutritional flexibility, the statement assures diners that “HDH is confident that this change will be welcomed by students and staff alike,” and reports savings as great as 60 cents per pound compared to bulk meat substitute. HDH will first repurpose cafeteria salad bars as noodle troughs over the upcoming summer quarter, replacing vinaigrette with bolognese sauce and feta cheese with parmesan. Over the following months, foods at campus markets will be individually evaluated for pasta content and replaced with appropriate pasta-based alternatives as necessary.

Since its proposal in 2008, the “Pasta Pilot Program” has been the center of fierce controversy. After visiting a local Italian restaurant, then-HDH director Margaret Finch addressed the organization, outlining a progressive introduction of pasta dishes alongside and incorporated into existing offerings. Café Ventanas was the first dining hall to participate in the trial, serving a spaghetti dinner with marinara sauce once per week. By 2010, other varieties such as linguini and macaroni had been introduced in each dining hall, and pasta-based dishes appeared as many as four times per week in some locations. Dishes such as tortellini soup and penne pizza became standard fare, and by the beginning of the 2013-2014 school year, two of the six dining halls on campus had permanently integrated

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

pasta varieties into all of their menu items.

“The feedback we’ve received over the past few years has been very encouraging,” HDH Assistant Director Boyd White explained. “Results from quarterly polls issued by each college show that students are devouring more pasta-based foods than ever before, and reveals an improvement in meal satisfaction over the last year from ‘gag-inducing’ to merely ‘indigestible.’”

HDH nutritionists have also declared their support.

“Though pasta and pastacontaining dishes are typically regarded as carbohydrates, we’re working hard to develop dishes that represent a more balanced meal,” said nutritionist Pamela Swan. “Pasta is a versatile base for innovation, and we see opportunity for inventive combinations with other food types. Fans of Goody’s will love the spaghetti-and-meatball burrito we’re introducing in March!”

Nonetheless, many have voiced their criticism on grounds of practicality or personal preference. Ron Bridges, a third-year student from Eleanor Roosevelt College, opined, “I mean, I like a good bowl of spaghetti now and then, and I kind of like the lasagna, but after a few days of macaroni sandwiches and fried fettuccine, you get sick of pasta, you know?”

In the days following the announcement, a fraction of students have begun hoarding fresh produce and frozen foods in anticipation of their removal from market shelves.

Anticipating complaints from gluten-intolerant diners, White assures students that HDH is “investigating glutenfree pasta substitutes,” but suggests for now that those afflicted with Celiac disease should subsist on the pesto and tomato sauces now being dispensed from all campus soda fountains.

TOP TEN

Changes to the World if All Firearms Were Nerf Guns 10. 10-minute breaks between battles to pick up bullets 9. “Stop, that tickles!”

8. Child soldiers suddenly okay 7. The “Fox and the Hound” no longer as sad. Oh yeah, and “Old Yeller” 6. You father discusses ‘Nam with a far more jovial demeanor 5. Drones only effective against people wearing velcro 4. 50 Cent less perforated 3. All wars will now be fought within a 20foot range 2. Swiss cheese harder to make 1. Hasbro becomes world’s biggest arms dealer Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

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Search Continues for Shiny 5IV Pikachu, Human Female

Warren Bear Gets Rock Hard

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“People went to the protest because they were anti-test,” said one particularly clever student, who failed to realize until too late that he was currently missing his ECE midterm.

BY KATHERINE WOOD

Assistant Graphics Editor

A PHOTO BY TREVOR MALONE

“The minute you stop trying to catch them is when you catch them all,” Takeda’s friends told him.

BY COLE STEFFENSEN Assistant Social Chair

S

haun Takeda, an Eleanor Roosevelt College freshman, has reported this week that his quest to find a “shiny 5IV Pikachu with a good nature, and also maybe a girl that wants to talk to me,” has entered its third month with no tangible outcome. Takeda, who remains hopeful, says that he expects to soon have a breakthrough, perhaps even “eye contact with this one girl [he] almost added on Facebook the other week.”

On Nov. 22, 2013, Takeda purchased both new editions of the Pokémon franchise, a video game-series based around capturing creatures called Pokémon and training them through a series of battles. On Jan. 14, 2014, Takeda took notice of a female student in his MMW 12 class, and began an attempt to get to know her more closely.

As his interest in both Pokémon and women deepened, Takeda took to internet forums for help with both subjects. With the help of the predominantly male-run online communities, Takeda sat at home for long hours, interacting with very few people outside a small group of friends and acquaintances and studying complex spreadsheets in the pursuit of his goals.

By Dec. 3, however, Takeda felt confident in his research, and began attempting to create in his mind, the “perfect” Pokémon with perfect abilities and an alternate color scheme. Additionally, he elected that day to try to make a few friends, and “maybe also a girlfriend; I think that would be cool.”

Thus far, neither of these goals have been met.

One of the goals, however, seemed to be nearly

complete when Takeda asked Karen Saunders, the girl in his MMW 12 class, for an extra pencil to take notes. To his disappointment, she only had one extra and her friend was using it. Reportedly, Saunders perhaps briefly smiled at Takeda, but it was unclear whether the facial expression was meant for him or her friend who had just entered the classroom.

Despite setbacks, Takeda remains hopeful.

“I know it’ll be worth it once it’s over,” said Takeda.

“Hatching thousands of eggs on your 3DS without any human contact for weeks on end seems boring, but when you think about it, it’s totally necessary. And having someone you can hang out with all the time seems cool too, but I think I need to have my priorities in order. Who needs girls when you have a shiny Pikachu, am I right?”

Just last week, Takeda did have a breakthrough, by acquiring a Pikachu from a Japanese game. Under normal circumstances, without using any additional aid, the Pokémon he is currently searching for has approximately a one in 4000 chance of appearing. By breeding using a foreign Pokémon, the chances have been increased to a manageable one in 1300.

This, Takeda reports, makes reaching his goal much easier. The girl from his MMW class, however, has begun sitting on the opposite side of the lecture hall.

Based on his current predictions, verified by third party analysts, Takeda expects to have the completed Pokémon sometime in the next three weeks. He also hopes to be married by the time he’s 24, or at least have another handful of perfect Pokémon.

Did you miss the unforgettable, heartbreaking, and inspirational moments of the 31st annual Adult Video Network Awards? Then we’ve got you covered with our brief recap of the Hollywood’s backstreets’ biggest night.

Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris

TOP TEN

Reasons to Drop Out of College and Become a Lumberjack

In Memoriam: Dixie Normous 1982 - 2013, Lead Actor Saffron 1989 - 2014, Lead Actress Eustace Morgenthal 1907 - 2013, Lead Actor Jeffrey Cummings 1987 - 2013, Fluffer Tom Skanks 1956 - 2014, Boom Operator Max Rosenthal 1978 - 2013, Cinematographer

surprising addition to the Warren Bear statue — three characteristically misshapen rocks resembling a set of male genitalia — has attracted the campus’ attention to important questions of representation. The bear’s endowment was first observed early Wednesday morning by a bleary-eyed student emerging from the computer lab.

“I wasn’t sure if it was real or if I was having that stress dream with the giant penises everywhere again,” said second-year computer science major Devon Whittaker.

Authorities claim the modification probably originated as a mindless prank, an explanation supported by the many fraternities clamoring for credit. However, the bear’s endowment has escalated into a campus-wide controversy as a manifestation of prejudices in engineering.

Since Wednesday afternoon, the small congregation of protestors on Warren Mall has been joined by another group of students taking the opportunity to promote diversity issues on campus.

The new proponents have contributed greatly to the effort, creating Facebook pages including “Students for the Castration of the Warren Bear” and making posters with slogans like “Party for Parity!”, “Chemical Engineering = Beer,” and “Join Us to Get Out of Class!” Future plans include an electrical tape fashion show and a wet lab coat contest to promote the cause.

“Yeah, I mean, I feel like people don’t realize that women can drive rockets and shoot lasers, too,” commented Lisa Tripp, a new protestor. “I mean, I never thought that women

wanted to do anything besides shop and eat chocolate for the longest time. I’m sure I’m not the only one, which is why working to educate the public is way more important than going to that book club the Women’s Center keeps emailing me about.”

Rising tensions over differences in ideology between those promoting equal representation within the engineering community and those looking for a fun excuse to skip class are jeopardizing the movement.

“Unfortunately, I don’t think our message is really getting across,” Nina Chopra, a mechanical engineering major, said, shooting a glare at drunken cluster of halfdressed Spice Girls. “Nobody can even hear us over them screaming ‘Girl Wattage!’”

However, as the incident has been immeasurably more effective in attracting student interest than any of the university-sponsored efforts, rumors are circulating that the university will begin deliberations on adopting a “Whatever Works” model and ensuing program redesign.

“I’m thankful this incident has provided an open platform for UC San Diego students and faculty to have a current and meaningful discussion on gender discrimination and representation on campus, especially in engineering,” commented Interim Vice Chancellor for Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion Carol Padden. “This has really helped us identify how students become interested in causes and which methods of expression are most attractive. Hopefully, we can help the increase we’re seeing in student interest and involvement last more than four hours,” she said, noting the brand of beer keg carried by fraternity brothers passing by.

Who Got Snubbed: Leonardo DeCaprio Sunny Lane Best Actress for her Best Male BDSM Scene “Man of Steel XXX” Best Parody, Drama work in “Clerks XXX: A for his work in “The Wolf of Wall Street” Porn Parody”

Wardrobe Malfunction: Sasha Grey Sasha Grey had an embarrassing moment when the clasp on her tear-away dress got caught and prevented her from reenacting her award winning performance in “Sasha Grey: Live at Carnegie Hall.”

10. Finally put that Axe Safety certificate to use 9. There’s an actual chance of losing your hand and getting a sick-ass hook 8. Makes a much more interesting bildungsroman 7. Less physically demanding than O-Chem 6. Your role model is the Brawny man 5. It’s a better method of finding a consistent and well-paid job 4. You didn’t make it as a cast member on “Finding Bigfoot,” so this is the next best thing 3. Lumberjacks don’t pay tuition 2. Have you seen me in flannel?

1. Make them all into silent trees

The world is your oyster.

The MQ is that little fork thingy you scoop out the meat with.

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“Camo is the New Black” Trend Causes Fashion Week Absences

Area Friends Knock Back Cold Ones, Watch the Game

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“Watching the GoDaddy commercials is the closest thing to porn that my wife will let me watch,” said Winters. “Life is a cold, emotionless march to the grave!”

BY JACK BEEGAN

L PHOTO BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER

“I don’t know, I’m just getting lost in the print,” said Gunn.

BY TREVOR MALONE

T

Publicity Chair

his year’s New York Fashion Week experienced its lowest reported attendance in its history following the emergence of a new trend called “Camo is the New Black.” Almost 100 percent of the fashion community’s most prominent members were uncharacteristically absent, which has prompted fear for the future of the event.

The “Camo Chic” trend was previously more often seen in hunting enthusiasts and armed military service members. However, it gained popularity following a pop culture “redneck revolution” which experts say was triggered by the popularity of such television programs as “Swamp People” and “Duck Dynasty.”

“Camo is not only fashionable, but also relatable,” Vogue Magazine Editor in Chief Anna Wintour said. “In a world where high prices make latest examples of high fashion are out of grasp for average people, it is nice to see something actually chic at Walmart for once.”

“We had the biggest designers scheduled to show off their spring collections, most of which were noted to incorporate the camo trend.

But when I walked around the event each night, it was like it was empty — a visible number of seats were open at almost every designer,” Fashion Week organizer Randolph Pemberton explained of the nearly nonexistent attendance at the three-day event. “I just don’t understand — it’s like a huge subset of our attendance vanished this year, right before our eyes,” he added.

Designers like Michael Kors, Dior, and Gucci were all notably absent from the events that, in past years, have attracted not only press from the industry and fellow designers, but also various celebrities. Kim Kardashian, Nicki Minaj, and Emma Watson, regulars to the high-fashion scene, were also absent from the event, even though they publicly claimed they would attend.

“Kim [Kardashian] tweeted that she was at the event, but she was nowhere in sight,” Pemberton said. “I guess sometimes things come up, but I just don’t understand why she would lie.”

Some experts have suggested that the economy could be the reason for deciding attendance, explaining that high prices of clothing — often in the thousands of dollars per piece — have dis-

suaded potential guests and customers from attending, let alone spending.

“It certainly couldn’t have been the décor,” Pemberton said. “I designed each of the runways and show spaces with my team to bring the sense of a true ‘urban jungle.’

There were wall to wall prints of the forest and aspen birch leaves were imported from Switzerland to cover the runway. This is the exact kind of thing the fashion community normally loves.”

Although the low attendance was unexpected, Pemberton claimed that he was not worried that the absences would be a recurring pattern.

“There is a cellophane trend on the rise in Milan that’s making waves,” Pemberton said. “And I’m confident that we will be seeing a lot of people embracing it at next year’s Fashion Week.”

WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE BRIEF MESSAGES LONELY PROFESSOR AND STUDENTS SEEKING COMFORT AGREE ON VALENTINE’S DAY MIDTERM Carmelle Wallace, a biology professor at UCSD, scheduled a midterm at 7 p.m. on Friday, February 14th, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day. However, when Wallace asked students to vote on whether the midterm should be rescheduled, 95% of the class voted to keep the midterm on Valentine’s Day. When asked why she initially scheduled a midterm on the special day, Wallace admitted that she had forgotten the special meaning of February 14th when she was scheduling the midterm.

“It seemed like any other Friday to me,” she explained.

“I had nothing penciled in except for a date with those studs Ben and Jerry.

“I mean the ice cream company,” she added in a whisper, winking. “I’m surprisingly not dating now.”

Varun Ghosh, a secondyear biochemistry major, stated, “I didn’t have any plans for that day anyway.

Keeping the midterm on Valentine’s Day was the best choice: get it over with early and spend the evening in a room full of 400 other people.

We could all be each other’s Valentines!”

When the students agreed with her to take the midterm on Valentine’s Day, Wallace was pleasantly surprised.

“I’m glad to know that I will not be spending the evening of Valentine’s Day alone,” Wallace commented.

“All of us will be there for each other.”

MAN SHAVES HEAD, IMMEDIATELY REGRETS DECISION Upon shaving his head last week to cope with “a rough patch in his relationship,” Adam Karlsson discovered a weird lumpy area halfway between the top of his head and his left ear.

He explained, “I think it’s shaped sort of like if a baby potato was just barely undercooked. My friends have noticed it, too. They said it moves sometimes, almost like it breathes.”

“He thought he’d look like Bruce Willis or Jason Statham, but really, it’s more of a Danny Devito,” Gilbert Hancock, a friend of Karlsson, said when Karlsson wasn’t looking.

“Actually, it’s probably more of a Karl Rove,” Hancock added, after giving the issue further thought.

Since the discovery, Karlsson has tried snapbacks, bowlers, beanies, and fedoras to draw attention away from the bump, but, as he openly admits, he is just not a “hat guy.”

“Looking back, I may have not really thought this through,” Karlsson reflected.

“I’ve got, like, three months ahead of me before this situation gets even close to being back to normal.”

When asked about her boyfriend’s hairstyle change, Figoski expressed what many eyewitnesses described as “stink eye.”

“I know he did this to prove to me that he doesn’t care about looks, but I just can’t get past the texture of that bump,” Karlsson’s girlfriend Kelly Figoski said.

At press time, Figoski had broken it off with Karlsson.

PEOPLE OPEN FRIDGE 10 MINUTES LATER SURPRISED TO FIND SAME FOOD INSIDE AS BEFORE In a recent epidemic, people from around the nation have found that in a 10-minute time span, the food inside their refrigerator does not change.

Sherri Langley, a 23 yearold San Diegan, stated, “In an age in which our society has ample technology, like iPhones, the internet, and laser hair removal, it seems like fridges should be able to shop for themselves!”

Langley later offered the fridge a trip to Chuck E. Cheese in a final attempt to have it produce her favorite late night craving, Best Foods brand mayonnaise spread on Kraft Singles.

Langley’s feelings are widely shared by her peers, as thousands of young adults ask the same question: If I ask my refrigerator for a chicken breast, why can’t I get it?

Robert Fullman, an expert on refrigeration technologies at the University of Phoenix, explains that refrigerators cannot do everything.

“This generation is incredibly lazy to think that their refrigerator will grant their every wish. That’s Siri’s job. The age-old wives’ tale still holds true: In order to get food, you have to go to the market.”

At press time, Fullman was cursing his empty refrigerator when all he wanted was a cold glass of milk before bed, but forgot to buy it at the store.

STUDY FINDS WE DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE A MAID IN THIS APARTMENT, TOM A groundbreaking study conducted by the three other people who have to live with UCSD junior Environmental Engineering major Tom Besault have concluded that, contrary to popular belief, there isn’t a goddamn maid to pick up all the shit that Tom leaves around the apartment.

The study compiled previous research on other wellknown phenomena, including the lack of existence of a “dish fairy” to wash Besault’s mountain of moldy-ass dishes from last month when he had his friends over; his laundry failing to wash, fold, and put away itself without human intervention; and cigarette butts mysteriously appearing on the balcony, even though “Jeric’s girlfriend has emphysema and all of the smoke really upsets her lungs.”

Posted on the communal fridge on Feb. 3, 2014, the study has already been met with some criticism. Besault, who has been quoted characterizing the study as “totally lame,” “passive aggressive,” and “come on guys, it was only one time,” cited his recent trip to Vons to stock up on toilet paper, chicken flavored instant noodle packets, and Gatorade as a counter to the study.

Additionally, the study concluded that the team of researchers are “not [his] fucking mother,” and that “picking up toilet paper one time doesn’t mean [he’s] not totally disgusting.”

Staff Writer

ocal “buddies” Steve Winters, Bill Tse, Arthur “Thumbs” McIlroy, and Ebb Cline spent Sunday afternoon “crushin’ some cans” and taking in a televised athletic contest in Winters’ garage, or “man-cave,” which also serves as a workshop for various handiwork projects.

“The ol’ gang, a game on the tube, and a beer that assumes I’m too stupid to tell if something’s cold to the touch — it’s a great way to cap off a rough week,” said Tse, who arrived on the scene directly after his daughter’s recreational league basketball game.

“Besides, nothin’ flies double birds [extending both of one’s middle fingers] to the rat race like gettin’ inadvisably intoxicated around a bunch of dangerously powerful machinery,” Tse added.

The “Desperados,” as the men have referred to themselves since high school, have met in gatherings at least twice a month for the past 23 years, though insiders have reported a seven-month span between June 1997 and January 1998 when the four refused to spend time together. The alleged hiatus began when a disagreement at the yearly chili cook-off erupted into a brawl in Cline’s backyard, with the friends remaining distant until their reconciliation over the Eagles’ induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Their most recent afternoon together saw the four men drink over 85 cans of light beer, consume two packs of hotlinks, and heavily wrinkle the newest copy of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue that Winters keeps “hidden from the missus” in a cabinet underneath a reciprocating saw.

“Whew, man,” said Cline.

“Just, whew, man.”

Halftime allowed the group an extended period of goodnatured banter uninterrupted

by the usual indignant outbursts directed at moving images of players, coaches, and referees naturally incurred during the game. The men poked fun at each other’s lives, covering a wide range of topics such as aging physiques, domineering spouses, and disappointing offspring.

But as the conversation took a nostalgic turn, the group struggled to keep a general sense of melancholy at bay.

“Started out all right, talking about the girls we used to know, the hell we used to raise, the old band — you know, the good ol’ days,” said Winters. “Then, Cowboy [Cline] brought up the Foreigner show back in ’82.

Gettin’ bombed and smokin’ grass on the way to LA — man, it was a different time then.

“I had freedom. That was before the mortgage, before the insurance payments, before the family I gotta bust my ass for day-in and day-out so they can eat,” added the host, now a tax consultant who works from home.

Spirits were lifted, however, when play resumed, an event celebrated by a “chug race.” The spectacle of highlypaid, highly-disciplined physical specimens attempting to gain more points than each other sustained a relaxed atmosphere that would last after the clock ran out, prompting the “boys” to discuss their future plans.

“Given modernity’s institutionalized hyper-anxiety, cultural bankruptcy, and an exponentially accelerating rate of socio-technical advancement that renders even the near future disturbingly unpredictable, it’s frighteningly easy to lose sight of who you are,” said McIlroy, whose nickname, “Thumbs” remains a mystery to everyone outside the CoorsLight-drinking cabal.

“It’s like Foucault said — wait, hold that thought, we’re gonna shotgun a few beers and check out Stevie’s new table saw!” he added.

TOP TEN

Reasons Living with Your Dog Is Better Than Living with Your Parents 10. Won’t ask you what you plan to do with your future for five goddamn minutes 9. You won’t feel embarrassed when they walk in on you masturbating 8. Won’t skimp on their half of the rent 7. Didn’t sniff your significant other when you brought them home 6. He’s covered in an appropriate amount of hair 5. Will let you talk shit about your Aunt Rhonda 4. Never tells you mean things about the stepmother you like 3. You’re not disappointing them 2. It’s socially acceptable to put them out of their misery when it’s their time 1. Your dog will love you unconditionally

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Wearable Tech Highlights from the Consumer Electronics Show

YouTube Dress | By: Anna Esher Anna Esher’s YouTube dress captivated the crowd with its ability to stream highquality videos on the go. The dress offers the chance to show your friend your favorite music video, cat videos, or not-explicit-but-clearly-sexually-charged clips. When done, they can like, replay, or share the video using the dresses touch sensitive surface. It also displays a dynamic comment section on the back of the dress to allow up-to-the-minute harassment by bigoted tweens.

Price: $2,000

Price: $249.99

(with free Google+ account)

Motorized Heelys | By: Heeling Sports Limited and Toyota Relive childhood at five times the speed! Heelys is breaking new ground with a new line of motorized, rolling Heelys shoes. Leave bikes, pedestrians, propplanes, and the chains of capitalism behind as you roll into a new, greener future. Not only are these environmentally friendly, but they’ve also been proven to work from 30 feet underwater to the International Space Station!

eMessenger Bag | By: LaserJet In a modern world of portability and accessibility, why has print technology been stuck in large, static hardware? This is what LaserJet is looking to rectify with their new line of eMessenger bags, able to print any email sent to it at any time you need it. The eMessenger only needs an Ethernet connection to a broadband network, and boom, you’ve got mail.

Price: $149.99 (Strap sold separately)

Snapchat Underwear | By: Fruit of the Loom and Snapchat

Snapchat’s new line of undergarment offers users the chance to send temporary, “private” messages to one another with these stylish boxers, capable of taking full 3-D renderings of your naked body and sending it to other users for up to 10 seconds before it is “deleted permanently.”

Price: Comes free with a Snapchat account, provided you relinquish rights to your photos

Sundial Watch | By: Timex This timepiece is a progressive piece of technology with a chic dash of BC styling.

Just stand in any one location and watch it give you accurate measurements of time, provided you’re facing perfectly due north in daylight.

WARNING: Wearing the sundial watch for extended periods of time may cause substantial wrist injuries or, in severe / common cases, detachment.

Price: 80 Drachma

Price: $10.99

(or free with proof of US residency)

Price: $1,999.99

Anti-NSA Headwear | By: Michael Kors and the NSA

This new item by Michael Kors utilizes cutting edge technology developed by the NSA, offering a stylish and wearable way to avoid the ever-growing and omnipresent eye of the government.

Edward Snowden gave it four out of five stars according to an official government report. A limited edition run will also include add-ons such as the Wearable Gaydar and a wind chime.

GlaskJeeves | By: Jeeves by Ask Jeeves Former net-heavyweight Ask Jeeves surges back into the market with its latest product offering: GlaskJeeves. Despite previous failures with AskJeevesMail and MapJeeves, market researchers are forecasting a heavy gain in Ask Jeeves’ stock after seeing the enthusiasm among CES attendees for the GlaskJeeves monocle.