relationships
Advice Goddess The Butt Stops Here
My husband and I both smoked pot regularly, but I quit several years ago, and he began smoking nightly. I kept encouraging him to quit because it makes him mentally disappear. He goes through periods when he doesn’t smoke (mostly because of my nagging), and then we’re able to connect and have a loving relationship. But he inevitably falls back on this nightly habit, and I become frustrated and resentful. Recently, I discovered amy alkon a large stockpile of hidden video footage he’d taken of women’s booties. In one video, I was standing next to him, oblivious, as he videotaped the woman ahead of us in line. I was shocked that he was capable of this kind of disrespect. We had an emotionally-wrecked several weeks. He slept on the couch, and I avoided him. I told him that if the nightly pot smoking and the butt videotaping were to persist, I’d have to move on. I was convinced that leaving was probably the best choice. But since I said this, he’s only smoked a couple of times, and we’ve been reconnecting. He says he’s not making any more videos because he saw how upset it made me. I love this guy, but am I deluding myself in thinking he can change? -Hesitant When you marry a man, it isn’t because you’re looking to walk off into the sunset all by yourself while he’s lying facedown on your living room floor staring at an ant, realizing he totally gets what the ant is thinking. Your husband — let’s call him “the old bong and chain” — is an addict. You may not think of him that way, because he probably doesn’t have a physical dependence on weed or running around town making butt-umentaries (say, in the way I have a physical dependence on break-a-tooth-black coffee). Probably what he has is a psychological addiction to checking out (instead of engaging emotionally), and he’s using these habits as transportation to get there. To explain that further, an addiction treatment specialist I respect, Dr. Stanton Peele, in “7 Tools to Beat Addiction,” writes, “When people turn to an experience, any experience, for solace to the exclusion of meaningful involvements in the rest of their lives, they are engaged in an addiction.” Another addiction therapist I respect, Dr. Frederick Woolverton, in “Unhooked,” explains that what all addictions have in common is a longing to avoid “legitimate suffering” — difficult emotions that are a normal part of being alive. So, no, your husband’s saying no to butt cheeks and “only sometimes” to pot probably isn’t enough. These are just his preferred forms of checking out. To avoid simply replacing them with new forms, he needs to recognize that he’s been using them to duck feeling his feelings — maybe just in your marriage but maybe in other parts of his life, too. He also needs to commit to changing this, but not because you’re hassling him and it would be an even bigger hassle to get dumped by you. (Change is especially tough for the emotion-averse.) He needs to come to the conclusion that it’s worth it to tough it out and feel so he can connect with you on more than the pothead’s deep philosophical questions, “What does paisley sound like?” and “Are we out of Funyuns?” It isn’t easy to go straight from the daily numb to “Hey, intensity, here I am,” and addicts are already in the habit of going straight to easy. Your husband might avoid setbacks by using a practice called “mindfulness meditation” as training wheels for living in the now instead of avoiding in the now. This form of meditation involves sitting or lying quietly, scanning your body with your mind and observing your thoughts and bodily sensations nonjudgmentally, as if they were scenery you’re passing in a car. I know this sounds airy-fairy. But a growing number of solid studies (by molecular biologist Jon Kabat-Zinn and neuroscientist Richard Davidson, for example) find that regular mindfulness meditation diminishes stress and anxiety and dampens reactivity to emotional discomfort, helping people stand back a bit from their feelings instead of letting their feelings get them in a death grip. It’s possible to do mindfulness meditation without a program, but the University of Massachusetts Medical School’s Center for Mindfulness, founded by Kabat-Zinn, has a link to programs and teachers around the U.S. and Canada (bit.ly/ MBSRsearch). Taking a class in this could even be something you do together and might be the start of lots of things you do together. If he’s sincere about wanting you more than he wants to check out, you could soon have a husband you can count on to be there for you — and not just as a large, heavy, smoking object keeping the couch cushions from running into the street and getting hit by a car. n ©2013, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. • Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
48 INLANDER NOVEMBER 7, 2013
events | calendar
Benefit
EPICUREAN DELIGHT The 32nd annual gala features 30 local wineries and breweries and more than 30 local restaurants, with proceeds benefiting the Inland NW Blood Center. Nov. 8 from 6 pm to midnight. Spokane Convention Center, 334 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. epicureandelight.org (232-4567) BIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS BENEFIT BREAKFAST Learn about the local mentoring program and how it impacts the futures of children in the area at an annual fundraiser event. Nov. 15, 7:308:30 am. Northern Quest Casino, 100 N. Hayford Rd. (328-8310 x. 223) CRAB FEST FUNDRAISER Third annual all-you-can-eat crab fest and auction as a fundraiser for the Shadle-North Lions Club. Nov. 16, 6:30 pm. $35. St. Thomas Moore Catholic Church, 505 W. St. Thomas More Way. (475-1668) HELPING HAND FOR HUTCH BENEFIT Fundraiser for a community member battling Leukemia, with a silent auction and chili feed. Donated auction items welcomed. Nov. 16, 5 pm. Donations accepted. Monterey Cafe, 9 N. Washington St. (868-0284) SPOKANE VALLEY HERITAGE MUSEUM FUNDRAISER 9th annual luncheon fundraiser featuring a living history presentation of the Civil War, a themed meal and a silent auction. Nov. 16, 11:30 am-1:30 pm. $20. Opportunity Presbyterian, 202 N. Pines Rd. (922-4570)
Comedy
STAND-UP COMEDY Local comedians. See weekly schedule online. Thursdays, 8 pm. Free. Uncle D’s Comedy Underground, 2721 N. Market St. uncledscomedy.com (483-7300) OPEN MIC COMEDY Live stand-up comedy. Fridays, 8 pm. Free. Chan’s Dragon Inn, 1406 W. Third. (838-6688) SAFARI Short-form improv games based on audience suggestions. Allages. Saturdays, 9 pm. $7. Blue Door Theatre, 815 W. Garland Ave. bluedoortheatre.com (747-7045) ALL-AGES COMEDY OPEN MIC Second and fourth Thursday of every month, 6 pm. Free. Boots Bakery & Lounge, 24 W. Main Ave. (703-7223) GUFFAW YOURSELF! Open-mic comedy, including stand-up, sketch, improv or anything weird. 5 min. per performer. Every other Thursday at 10 pm. Free. Neato Burrito, 827 W. First Ave. (847-1234)
Community
HONORING OUR VETERANS DINNER Three-course dinner, keynote presentations, music by the Fairchild Air Force Base Honor Guard, the Masterclass Orchestra and more. Nov. 7 from 5:308:30 pm. Free to veterans, $15 public. Southside Senior & Community Center, 3151 E. 27th Ave. sssac.org (535-0803) HELP THE HUNGRY FOOD SORTING Join other volunteers to sort and pack produce and other bulk food items for delivery to local emergency food outlets. Ages 14+. Fri-Sat, 9 am; Mon, Wed, Fri, Sat, 1 pm. Also Nov. 14, 18, 20 at 5:30 pm, through Dec. 24 Second Harvest Food Bank, 1234 E. Front Ave. 2-harvest.org (252-6267) KYRS 10TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY Celebration events include a silent auc-
tion, raffle, dancing, live music by Son Dulce, food and drinks with all proceeds benefiting the station. Nov. 8, 7 pm. $15-$20. Silver Auctions, 2020 N. Monroe St. kyrs.org (747-3012) COMMUNITY LIBRARY BOOK SALE Used library books for sale including hardcover and paperback books, children’s books, DVDs and more. Nov. 9, 10 am-2 pm. Hayden Library, 8385 N. Government Way. (208-772-5612) HARRY POTTER PARTY Fundraising event featuring craft activities, themed food, costume contest and more. Nov. 9, 5-9 pm. $5-$8. Theater Arts for Children, 2114 N. Pines, Ste. 3S. (995-6718) SPECIAL OLYMPICS BOWLING TOURNAMENT Athletes from the Inland Northwest compete Nov. 9-10. The nonprofit is in need of volunteers to help the athletes on the lanes and present awards. Contact Jill Ives at jives@sowa. org for more info. Free. Lilac Lanes, 1112 E. Magnesium Rd. (800-442-2508) FALL FOLK FESTIVAL 18th annual event featuring cultural music, dance, food, art and more, representing traditions in cultures from all over the world. Nov. 9, 11 am-10 pm and Nov. 10, 11 am-5 pm. Free. Spokane Community College, 1810 N. Greene St. spokanefestival.org (533-7000) SPOKANE MAGIC CLUB The Spokane Magic Club hosts a show with multiple performers competing against each other. Nov. 9, 6:30 pm. $5. Corbin Senior Center, 827 W. Cleveland Ave. corbinseniorcenter.org (327-1584) THE WELCOME: A PUBLIC LISTENING Veterans dealing with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) present their stories through works of art to the community, facilitated by Warrior Songs. Nov. 9, 7:30 pm. $20/public; free for veterans and their families. Unitarian Universalist, 4340 W. Fort George Wright. warriorsongsspokane.org (518878-8579) HUMANITIES-BASED EDUCATION Three public forums on the basic tenets and roles of a humanities-based education and critical thinking in society, hosted by KYRS. Nov. 10, 4-5:30 pm. Free. Community Building, 35 W. Main Ave. kyrs.org (844-4288) CATHOLIC CHARITIES VOLUNTEERs Learn about volunteer opportunities with the local nonprofit. Nov. 12, 10-11:15 am. Catholic Charities Family Service, 12 E. Fifth. catholiccharitiesspokane.org (358-4270) HONORING HOMETOWN HEROES The annual Red Cross luncheon event honors local leaders who have significantly contributed to the community through acts of heroism and service. Nov. 13 from noon-5 pm. Northern Quest Casino, 100 N. Hayford Rd. redcross.org (326-3330) INTERNATIONAL DAY OF TOLERANCE All are invited to stand for justice by linking arms and forming a line of solidarity to support equity and social justice. Event includes speakers, music and more. Nov. 15, noon. Free. Gonzaga University, 502 E. Boone Ave. gonzaga. edu (313-5836) JINGLE BELL RUN/WALK 5K run/walk fundraiser for the Arthritis Foundation, featuring holiday-themed costumes. Nov. 16 at 9 am. $10-$20. Riverfront Park, 507 N. Howard St. spokanejinglebellrun.kintera.org (315-9862)
Crafts
JUBILEE INTERNATIONAL MARKETPLACE The 25th annual event features fairly-traded handcrafts from 30+ global and local vendors and artisans. Nov. 8, 10 am-7 pm and Nov. 9, 9 am-4 pm. Free. First Presbyterian Church, 318 S. Cedar St. spokanefpc.org (747-1058) CRAFT FAIR Handmade crafts and baked goods for sale. Nov. 9, 9 am-3 pm. Chattaroy Community Church, 3711 E. Chattaroy Rd. (509-238-6051) FALL BAZAAR St. Francis of Assisi Parish Women’s Club Bazaar features a luncheon from 11 am-2 pm, baked goods, gift basket raffle and more. Nov. 9, 9 am-5 pm. St. Francis of Assisi Social Hall, 4420 N. Jefferson St. (509-533-0163) HOLIDAY BAZAAR The 85th annual bazaar features handcrafted items, baked goods, raffles, vintage items and more. Nov. 9 at 9:30 am. St. John’s Cathedral, 127 E. 12th Ave. (838-4277) HOLIDAY GIFT & FOOD FAIRE The 23rd annual event features local vendors selling handmade items and food, as a fundraiser for student programs and scholarships. Nov. 9, 9 am-4 pm. $1. CdA High School, 5530 N. 4th. (208-691-0337) HOLIDAY GIFT FAIR Handmade gifts, jewelry, home decor, glass art and more. Nov. 9, 9 am-4 pm. New Life Assembly of God Church, 10920 E. Sprague. newlifeperfectgiftfair.com (928-3342) JEFFERSON CRAFT FAIR Local crafters and vendors, including baked goods and kids activities. Nov. 9, 9 am-4 pm. Jefferson Elementary, 3612 S. Grand Blvd. (263-0511) SCANDINAVIAN BAZAAR Annual event featuring baked goods and more with proceeds benefiting local charity organizations. Nov. 9, 10 am-1 pm. Central Lutheran, 512 S. Bernard St. (624-9233)
Etc.
GREEN SCENE SOCIAL Networking event hosted by the Cascadia Inland Brand Collective, Spokane’s local green building group. Nov. 7, 5:30-7:30 pm. Free. The Blind Buck, 204 N. Division St. (208-660-4361) INTRO TO DRONES COURSE Special interest course on the history, current events and future applications of drone technology. Nov. 7 and 8 from 6:308:30 pm. $39. North Idaho College, 1000 W. Garden Ave. (208-769-3222) PHOTOGRAPHER JERRY PAVIA “Selkirks Spectacular” presentation by the garden and nature photographer, hosted by the Inland Empire Gardeners club. Nov. 7, 6:30 pm. Free. CenterPlace Event Center, 2426 N. Discovery Place Dr. tieg.org (535-8434) BANK LEFT GALLERY HOLIDAY OPEN HOUSE Ninth annual Christmas open house event featuring local artwork on display, gift items and more. Nov. 9, 10 am-5 pm. Free. Bank Left Gallery, 100 S. Bridge St., Palouse, Wash. (878-8425) BEGINNING BEEKEEPERS CLASS Class for beginning beekeepers, including information needed to pass the Wash. State Beekeeping Assoc. test. Saturdays, 10 am-2 pm through Nov. 16 $30-$40. Pizza Factory, 123 S. Broad St. wpbeekeepers.org (863-5666) HERBICIDES, PESTICIDES & THE HONEY BEE Presentation by Jim Miller and Gina Jackson on how agricultural chemicals affect the honey bee and other insects. Nov. 9, 11 am-1 pm. Free. Sun People Dry Goods, 32 W. Second.