Inevitably in a marriage there will be bad times. There may be carelessness, leading to irritation, followed by hurtful language, continuing a vicious cycle in which partners cease to be aware of each other as subjects. Then especially will they need the gratuitous love that makes a gesture or apology that breaks the cycle, an unconditional love that doesn't wait to be earned and that doesn't keep a list of grievances or a ledger to determine who owes whom. As persons newly in love can be surprised at being the object of love of which they seem unworthy, so veterans in marriage need on occasion to be surprised by the grace of a love that they, by this unworthy behaviour or that, have so manifestly not deserved. Loving spouses do not engage in self-sacrifice to prove their moral superiority, nor do they take on the role of martyr to keep their partners in their debt. Mutual agape requires both partners not only to give but also gratefully to receive unmerited love. 4. intimacy Agape between spouses develops over time.
This means growing in intimacy.
The
intimacy in question is not merely physical but personal, a profound personal knowledge of the other. It involves not only information about the other, but the knowledge "from the inside" that accompanies love. Early in courtship, intimacy grows spontaneously. Those in love want to learn more and more about each other. Part of the thrill of being in love is sharing experience. This spontaneous growth in intimacy does not continue indefinitely. Couples who undertake the Marriage Encounter program, which is intended for marriages that are already working well, invariably are surprised to discover how meagre and shallow their communication has become. There are several reasons why growth in intimacy and communication slows down or stops. Routine is inevitable. The familiar becomes uninteresting and not worthy of attention. One begins to take the other for granted. Partners become tired, their best energies drained by their work. Sensitive areas arise and are avoided in order to avoid trouble. A spouse may
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