The Consequences of Connecting A Conclusion
latin, connectere, to bind
A Conclusion… This term, I have been looking at the importance of connecting through its various forms. During this period of study, I’ve covered all aspects of connecting, from joining a club to literally setting up my own situations to communicate. Throughout the term, I have come to my own conclusions about the nature of forging connections, and now have a deeper understanding of the subject as a whole. Consequently, it has changed my perceptions on the apparently simple nature of connecting, and this publication will break down what I’ve learned and concluded from this study.
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Connecting isn’t easy for everyone Not everyone’s naturally conversational and finds it easy to talk to other people.
#1
This term, I have had lots of conversations with people who find it difficult to connect, and came to break down and understand what people do to accommodate and overcome these problems. I think this is the key to struggling to connect; to work out where your own weaknesses lie, and mould other people around that. It doesn’t take an entire change in your personality, despite how easy it is to feel that being naturally gregarious and chatty is the norm, since it’s what so many people expect from you.You have to be socially acceptably sociable.
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to join, link, or fasten together
I have personally struggled with this from a young age. It wasn’t easy for me to make friends and go and speak to people straight away. I remember loitering by a group of other kids– not knowing how to say ‘hey, I want to play’. This gregariousness that seemed so natural to other kids was alien to me– and childhood is when you’re meant to be most fearless. The ‘popular girls’ set the bar at what you should attain to, since they are at the top of the social food chain. Anything below them gets categorised as ‘weird’ because popularity equates to normal. Every new educational establishment had it’s own set of rules that you had to re-learn and adhere to; a different set of people to try and persuade to enjoy your company. Meanwhile, you try your hardest to withstand theirs.
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#1
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Life becomes easier once you accept the fact that you simply cannot comply with everyone and anyone. And yet, there’s still this alarming necessity to be social. Social climbing becomes the point of life, like the Victorian era all over again.You date Person A to get to know Person B.You tally up your Facebook friends and Twitter followers as though this defines you as a person, without considering the strength of the bond. Numbers of friends are a calculable manifestation of your worth.
to associate (in one’s mind)
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Why surround yourself with people you don’t have anything in common with if it pains you so? Just because you’re told that you should? Knowing your own level of social need means that you care less what other people are doing– and consequently instils its own kind of confidence. Confidence does not increase with the volume of your voice; calling yourself ‘loud’ does not mean you’ve got interesting things to say. Find your own voice, whether you’ve got something to say or not, and say it at whatever volume you please.
Set up situations to communicate You have to make it happen. Join a club. Say hello. Forge your own.
#2
I came onto the topic of connecting through the act of joining a club. The club I joined for the day was the Bristol Ramblers. There I met a whole host of older people, gathered together for the sole purpose of getting some gentle exercise and combining this with the inevitability of catching up and creating chatter. The group was led by one or two people so you could just switch off and fall into step and the conversation kind of fell in time with your step. This is an example of people coming together of their own accord on a Wednesday afternoon, and forging their own connections.
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Although sometimes people don’t want to talk all the time. Not everyone wants to make the effort to talk; sometimes talking is exhausting.You have to think about the other person’s conversational needs and reply in the correct manner, make sure you’re not talking too much, check they’re listening to you in return… Conversation is a two-way dance, and you need to play by the rules and respond accordingly, otherwise awkwardness ensues.
to conjoin, to unite
Some people need to be around people all of the time, and constantly have their phone pressed against their ear, or to be eternally engaged in a conversation, because they thrive on social interaction. Others need time apart from other people to reflect and think about things in their own space, because as stated above– talking isn’t always easy. We take for granted that conversation is our most basic skill, one that not everyone is lucky enough to be acquainted with.
Don’t underestimate the power of simply asking someone if they’d be up for chatting some time about a common interest. People are willing to talk about their achievements if you just ask them, you’ll make a friend for life and only optimistic things can come from it.
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Connect however suits you most The result supersedes the action. There is no ‘bad’ way to reach out.
#3
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There are loads of ways to connect now– arguably, too many. Critisise this all you like– there are numerous examples of people using social media in its most inane sense, but really, the act of posting a boring status is the equivalent to simply saying ‘hey, please talk to me– agree with me and let’s connect over common ground’. When people are in close relationships with people, whether this is romantic or platonic, they generally have someone to tell all their inanities to. As soon as that person goes, it’s natural that you’d feel as though you’re missing some connection somewhere, and would try and fill that void. You can get used to most things, as long as you’ve got something to replace it.
coherent
I think that’s really what looking at connecting has shown me: that all the people I critisise for being apparently boring or for over-sharing online are really just expressing their need to have people acknowledge them. It’s a basic human need– one of the most fundamental. We all know the angsty teenage feeling of ‘no one understands me’.You just have to find those people who do understand you, and cling to them. This is why clubs exist. They are natural places where people of similar interests congregate. Having something in common is the most integral of things. Agreement is the basis of most relationships. Healthy debate is obviously a good thing, yet when does disagreement get to a dangerous point? In this way, understanding someone – even if you don’t agree– is fundamental to a relationship.You don’t have to be exactly the same, but empathy and understanding your own and others social needs are underrated.
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#3
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closely related
Of course, you can grow to rely on such technology to the extent where it supersedes the more personal type of interaction. The key once more is balance– unless you don’t want to connect in all of the ways. So what if you never want to answer a phone? Some can feel a phone call is almost rude– an interruption. If someone never replies to your Facebook messages, maybe they just favour a more physical conversation. Speaking online can take a lot of time. Embrace the different ways of connecting, find the one that works best for you, and run with it. Some people are good with written words, some people articulate themselves best with the spoken word– we’re different! Solve your own problems.
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Disconnection is necessary for some Turn off your phone. Go for a walk. Have time to yourself, if you need to.
#4
I do not own a smartphone. I fear that if I do, I’ll fall into the ever-deepening trap of uploading photos of the food I eat, and post passive-aggressive statements about people who have bothered me, instead of actually telling them about my feelings. This is not reflective of all smartphones, merely reflective of my inability to control myself when given the technology to do so. I recognise the danger dangled in front of me in the form of smart technology. It’s too tempting. I’d wait for notifications. Check it all the time. Wonder why no one’s messaging me.
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I can relax in the knowledge that when I am walking in the woods, I am simply walking in the woods. No one uses phones to text anymore, and calling is just plain mean. So without one, I am relatively free. Free from being concerned about whether or not anyone’s connecting with me. I am by myself, it is the epitome of ‘me’ time. Other people are not negotiating my moods. I am not wondering why someone’s read my message and not yet responded. It’s easy to obsess. Take time away and remember what’s important.
a connecting word
Some people don’t need this sense of ‘getting away’ as much as others. I personally have a (probably somewhat irrational) fear of depending on other people too much, and find that being able to sever the ties with it gives me a much-needed feeling of independence and calmness that I don’t think I’d be able to enforce on myself as easily with the right technology. Solitude for me is a luxury. It’s quite literally self-indulgent. Not having to think about other people and their feelings is a relief. I can be in control of my own emotions, and not worry about the impact of my words. Talking to other people requires considering their own personal needs. It’s not about what I want. If social life is so natural, healthy and joyous as contemporary society insists, why would anyone be ‘escaping’ from it?
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We all need different connections But you cannot deny that connecting is a necessity.
#5
Over the course of this term, I have taken part in a scheme run by LinkAge called Befriending. This is where an isolated elderly person signs up or is signed up to be allocated a voluntary ‘friend’ who comes around once a week for an hour, and engages in conversation with someone who lacks the ability to form their own connections.
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I signed up for this, and got matched with a lady named Joyce. She is approaching 90 years old, and whilst is mobile, does not have the capacity to leave the house. She is widowed and her children live some distance away, and have their own lives to contend with. By popping around and chatting to her, I not only get the reassurance of knowing that I’m improving someone’s day, but I’m also getting an interesting conversation myself, across at least a few generations. This fills me with hope, as it’s something that I’m glad exists, and would like to think someone would do for me if necessary.
acquaintanceship
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It’s good to see that people aren’t just looking at the physical hindrances of age, but the mental ones, too. Getting old for me is a great fear, but I feel that our generation will be an entirely different one with a multitude of ways of connecting– considering that most elderly people of this age don’t have the access to internet, or the capacity to learn it now.
When we are socially content, we are at our happiest. Whatever this means for an individual, having the right amount of people around and feeling as though you have a balance of people you can speak to and rely on is an unmistakably good feeling.
#5
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a relationship
Evidence suggests that the most emotionally evocative experiences in life have been weddings, births and deaths– events associated with the beginning and end of social bonds. The best we can do is make the most of what we have, look out for and understand others and not deny ourselves one of our most basic human needs. It’s not what you’re saying but the act of saying it that’s important. I used to think that small talk was the most inane and pointless thing, until I started looking into it further and noticing how much it eases people into conversation, and even makes a trip to the shops a more enjoyable experience for everyone. Treat others as they’d like to be treated, instead of treating everyone exactly the same. Socialising works on two levels, and what you prefer may not be suitable for someone else. The levels of thought and consideration that go into conversation are abundant, and once you realise that it’s something that’s taken for granted, you’ll notice it’s importance much more.
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Stephanie Weise Conclusions on Connecting Self-Directed Study, 2014