Scope Issue 13 Week 5 Sem 121 by Bond University Student Association

Issue 13 Week 5

Sem 121

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Scope is proudly brought to you by BUSA and a dedicated group of student volunteers. Scope: By STUDENTS for STUDENTS

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SPORT EDITOR | Rebecca Thompson SUB-EDITOR | Linda Woelk PHOTOGRAPHERS Liam Byrne Shaun Rotman Mitchell Willocks Jorja-Lee Wallace SPONSORSHIP Michael ‘Papa’ Penklis

DEADLINES Space Reservation: Sunday 4pm Completed content: Monday 4pm

CONTACT Editor: jorja-lee.wallace@student. bond.edu.au General: scope.bond@gmail. com Phone: (07) 5595 4009

3. Weekly BUSA Report 4. Sad Tissues or Happy Tissues? 6. Happy F#%&ing Valentine's Day 8. A Guide to Valentine's Day for any FB Relationship Status 9. The Good Ol' Eagle Rock's Here to Stay 10. Single and Looking...

12. Photos 16. Posters 18. Music, Arts & Reviews 20. Sport 22. Your New HMSA 24. Coca Cola Competition Winner 25. Odds & Ends 26. Posters 28. Haaaave You Met...?

20. COVER PHOTO: Mitchell Willocks

The views and opinions expressed in Scope do not necessarily represent those of the Scope team, the Publications Director or BUSA.

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facebook.com/scope.bond bondstudents.com

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FROM THE DESK OF: HENRY NORRIS

editor’s report Happy (SAD) Scopeopeope loverrrrs! Seeing as it’s Valentine’s Day and we’re all in the mood for some lovin’, the Scope team has compiled a special edition for Black Tuesday and your lonesome eyes (let’s face it the couples are all gazing at each other, cooing baby names and whispering sweet nothings - not reading Scope). I seriously considered writing a poem for ye ol’ Ed’s Report, but quickly realised I’m not a lyrical genius and my song writing/poetry skills are just as mad as my singing (serenading cats since 1990). You’ll also notice this edition is in colour, despite repeated attempts from my inner cynic trying to design each page in black. Old school romantic FTW. Seeing as I will no doubt wallow in alcohol induced self-pity as soon as this edition is printed and live online, I will not bore you with my hate-filled loneliness. Instead, allow me to give you an overview of what Week 5 Scope entails for your lonely heart. Pages four to eight are filled with the whimsical musings of three students on love and Valentine’s Day (you don’t say!). You may think three articles on the same ridiculous one-day-a-year occurrence is excessive, but we say nay! It’s Valentine’s Day. Spread the love (or hate… what ever tickles your fancy). If you’re sick of love or love-sick, repeat offender Liam Auer has provided us with the a plea from those who enjoy Eagle Rock-ing. For many-a-lol on this sad, sad day; flick to page 10 and poke fun at fellow singles who have been named and shamed. Upon reading you will quickly discover they have many-a-thing in common (cats, back hair…), and it’s obvious at least one pairing will occur before the end of the day (no doubt they are all attending TLP). My money is on Marryum and Bonnie. Finally, get your weekly fix of MAR on pages 18/19. The Valentine’s Day inspired reviews contained therein – classic gags. Check it out. And that’s it for another week. Don’t get used to the Tuesday edition – we’re back to Wednesday next week. Get used to the paper though. Get in, on and around it. Enjoy your Valentine’s Day. Whether it’s filled with love, sadness or rage, I hope it’s fruitful and pleasurable. And now to throw some Black Sambuca down the hatch… xx

Jorja Wallace

tor to theScopeEteadm?i Lettertos for the say? Feedback t.bond.edu.au tuden Have something ja-lee.wallace@s the Editor at jor Send a letter to ay nd Mo m | DUE: 4p Max 100 words

It’s a funny thing sitting in a graduation ceremony and not coming out of it with a degree or two. With the university’s custom of having the BUSA President and Vice-President (Education) to lead the Academic Procession, I’ve now had my fair share of graduation ceremonies. In fact, last Saturday I robed up to attend my 6th graduation day, and sat through my 10th graduation ceremony. And still, not a single degree to my name! Graduation is truly something special. There is an indescribable sense of excitement and pride among the graduands and their families. There is a feeling of relief, accomplishment and nervousness, for not only the imminent stage crossing, but of what the future holds. But there is also an unwavering confidence that our graduands exude; not from a feeling of certainty of what the future holds, but from knowing that they have the skills to deal with what’s out there in the big wide world. Last Saturday, some 700 students graduated from all four faculties, with degrees from Commerce to Computer Games. Morning Ceremony (Business and HS&M) For the morning’s ceremony, the occasional address was delivered by Mr Gordon Cairns, a current non-executive director of Westpac, Origin Energy and the Rebel Group. Gordon reflected on his career, describing it as an “odyssey from pet food to beer”. This is because he began his career with Nestle and spent every Friday tasting dog food, and has since served as CEO of the major beer company Lion Nathan. Gordon urged our graduands to be courageous, saying that “when an opportunity knocks, accept and take the challenge”. The morning’s Valedictorian was Samara Insoll. Samara graduated with a Commerce degree and held an average of 90% with 11 first in class awards. In her speech, Samara reflected on her time at Bond and how she gained maturity, knowledge and life-long friends. Since finishing in 113, Samara has been doing volunteer work in Kenya to raise awareness about HIV-AIDS, and Samara explained how she wrote her speech on a bunk bed in a 16 person dorm in Kenya. Samara’s words were inspiring and she attributed her success at Bond to the way she visualised her goals, trusted herself and was never afraid of failure. Samara’s message to graduands was to make the most of their degrees and be fearless in achieving their dreams. She closed her speech by quoting Winston Churchill: “success is not final, failure is not fatal”. Afternoon Ceremony (Law and HSS) In the afternoon ceremony, Lisa Paul AO delivered the occasional address.

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Lisa is the current Secretary of the Department of Education, Employment and Workplace Relations (DEEWR), which has a budget of over $30 billion and has close to 5,000 employees around Australia. Lisa reminisced on her own graduation and described the immense feeling of pride that she felt. The theme of her speech was happiness and Lisa outlined her five ingredients in happiness: positive emotion, engagement, good relationships, finding meaning, and accomplishment. Lisa’s message was to seek a career which has each of these ingredients so that we can achieve our professional goals while leading happy and fulfilling lives. The afternoon’s Valedictorian was Katherine Mansted. Katherine graduated from Law and International Relations (Business) and in all 44 subjects of those degrees, she got a High Distinction. Katherine also topped 34 subjects. It’s no surprise that Katherine was also awarded the 2011 Law Gold Medal. Her speech was brilliant. Katherine described the first time that she stepped foot at Bond in Year 9 as she tagged along to uni with her older sister, Rachel. Katherine described her first impressions of Bond; the electrifying silence of the Law Library, the incredible arch and the spirit of the Business vs Law rugby match that same night. Katherine asked graduands three questions. First, is their time with Bond over? Second, if their education was at an end? Third, does being a graduate guarantee success? Katherine explained how graduation can mean whatever we want it to mean. And to this end, Katherine finished her speech by quoting none other than the Dr Suess. “Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away! You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” To those who graduated on Saturday, congratulations. The world is your oyster. To those who are still studying here and having the time of our lives, take a moment to think about your graduation. It may be next semester, or it may be two years away. Whatever the case, we will all sit in a ceremony eventually and feel the same sense of excitement and pride as those who graduated last Saturday. Then it will be us who are off to great places, and us who are off and away.

Sad Tissues or H Last week I was sitting around with my temp roomies Aman and Timmy, and Timmy was telling us of this great girl called Lawrence who he had met on his holidays back home in Perth. Before we go any further, yes I do realize I said she was a girl and I also realise the name Lawrence is a guy’s name; but Timmy assures me she is female and the name derives from the fact she is French which explains everything… sort of. Well Aman didn’t appreciate all the shit coming from Timmy’s mouth and told him he doesn’t understand the real feeling of love like he does. This argument went on for a little while and all of a sudden, I heard the words… Valentine’s Day. So that time of the year has come around again where all the girls are crying themselves to sleep, talking to their friends about living a lonely existence and how all guys are jerks, while at the same time the single guys are out saying “Fuck I enjoy being single”. However, this comment only holds true to half of the population. The remainders are telling their friends how in love they are, and how they have found their soul mate (what idiots!). Valentine’s Day, or ‘V Day’ as some refer to it as, is a day that manages to divide the population on opinion every year, and not always in the way you would think. Some (the few that are carrying on about how they have found their soul mate) absolutely love it because it is an opportunity to let their significant other know how much they appreciate each other and love each other. What I don’t get about this is if they really are that in love with each other why do they need a day to highlight and express this? The girls who are getting worked up about their lonely existence are getting dolled up and hitting the town, possibly to Varsity Tavern for Bond’s Traffic Light Party. These are the types that will go to all lengths to find their special valentine and get that special length on the night, because that is what Hugh Grant has taught them to do through a string of meaningless and frustrating British Rom Coms. In a perfect world yes, this would be the case. But the reality of the situation is that if there is one thing that the British have taught us it is that they are terrible at commitment. Seriously, if Jordan and Peter Andre can’t hold a relationship who can? Kate Moss and Pete Doherty? Prince Harry is the only sensible one. The guy just fucks. He doesn’t commit. He just fucks. Why? Because he’s good at

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doing two things: partying and fucking. Naturally it would be unfair not to mention the third divide on this day, which is the single man… I think I just about summed it up earlier in the first paragraph. These gentlemen are out trawling on this highly anticipated night of the year. They have a very precise and narrow target and that is single, vulnerable and easily manipulated females. Or in some instances the unlucky ladies who are in a relationship but whose beau has forgotten Valentine’s Day, or are working in a different location and therefore are lonely on this day when we are told we are meant to be with someone. Make no mistake this target group may seem like they are a little lost when they are enjoying a few drinks and having a laugh, and they may seem like nice guys;

These are the types that will go to all lengths to find their special valentine and get that special length on the night, because that is what Hugh Grant has taught them to do through a string of meaningless and frustrating British Rom Coms. but they are out for one reason, and that is to find a girl for the night and give her a length. Whether you are pro-Valentine’s Day or anti-Valentine’s Day, I’m sure you can all agree on one thing: The real winners on the day are the retailers who are telling us we need to buy our special other flowers, or chocolates, or that the way to find your life partner is by buying her flowers and chocolates (and it doesn’t end there). This single day pretty much pays for Michael Porter’s degree here at Bond, and more than likely his drinks this weekend (so there is one person who obviously loves this day). But let’s not forget the good people at Kleenex. Don’t they make a killing this week with the various single girls buying sad tissues to wipe

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Happy Tissues? Elliot Moffatt

If Varsity Tavern isn’t your scene and you are a single guy I suggest Hollywood Showgirls for a relaxed evening. I know, you are paying these girls to tell you they love you, but it is better than nobody telling you at all and on the upside - you don’t have to pay for them to get a cab home, just your own taxi.

to wipe away the tears, and equal amounts of single guys buying happy tissues to go home to after another unsuccessful trawl. I have, however, been told by a good friend of mine, Joe Patrick, that true love does exist. He tells me he is doing dinner, followed by a movie and perhaps some ice-cream. Sounds great Joe. However it all sounds like money spent for no reason. In saying that, you are punching above your weight so you best do all you can to hold onto her. Whatever your plans, and whatever your purpose for those tissues; have an epic Valentine’s Day. If you don’t know what to do, or don’t have any plans, make your way over to Varsity Tavern for the Traffic Light Party and dress in green, yellow or red to show your relationship status. This need not be said but guys, if you see a girl dressed in red - this is an easy target. Although in a relationship, no girl is happy if she is not with her boyfriend on Valentine’s Day; so this could be the aforementioned vulnerable, unhappy and easy female for you to ‘target’. One last thing, don’t be the jerk who wears all three colours. Nobody likes that person. If Varsity Tavern isn’t your scene and you are a single guy, I suggest Hollywood Showgirls for a relaxed evening. I know, you are paying these girls to tell you they love you, but it is better than nobody telling you at all and on the upside - you don’t have to pay for them to get a cab home, just your own taxi.

single females or perhaps someone in a relationship (well at least for now, because if you take offence to this you are a jerk and your partner will soon realise this) but in any circumstance please keep it to yourself, I know I don’t care and this is just a little bit of fun. (And Joey, dry the eyes mate I was just kidding… I’m sure you will have a great night). Food for thought: If guys are expected to purchase flowers and chocolates for their special girl why aren’t girls expected to bring home a carton for their man?

If you have taken offence to this article you are more than likely one of the above mentioned

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With the ides of February comes Valentine’s Day. A day where splintering relationships fracture, those who are resigned to the barrens of singledom are made painfully aware of their involuntary residence, and that guy who sells roses in Surfers Paradise every night around dinner time finally sees some positive cash flow. Also, a magical natural phenomenon occurs where women everywhere feel as though the other 365 (it’s a leap year) days of affection you show them throughout the year are suddenly irrelevant. For men V-Day is going to be spent doing at least some of the following: • Getting your wallet reamed; • Hating Ryan Gosling; • Attempting something that in your mind seems heart-breakingly romantic, though in reality is actually rather stalkerish (on the upside, if you pull it off and you end up bagging the bird you’ve just got yourself an easy to remember anniversary and an effective way of cutting costs come Valentine’s Day. Hello Valentine’s Day/anniversary combo present); • Having an awkward run-in with your (for lack of a better word) partner at the BSA Traffic Light party. Awkward in the sense that you’re not exactly colour coordinated; • Smashing out the Mass Effect 3 demo (to be honest, this is the only reasonable thing to do on February 14th).

Grief caused by the fear of a long, lonely, and loveless life. Grief caused by the prospects of perpetually pining over someone who’ll never reciprocate it, or worst of all; grief caused by having someone, but feeling more alone than those watching The Notebook solo on Valentine’s Day (seriously, Ryan Gosling you are such a dick). Women will probably spend it bitching to each other in oestrogen fuelled circles of man hate, all the while feeding their fac-

es with punnets of Ben and Jerry’s. Not being a woman I can’t truly attest to the veracity of this comment. All I’ve got to run off are movies starring some guy who is disgustingly more attractive than I could ever be with the help of Photoshop, and some woman who wants aforementioned attractive guy (who I can only assume has some kind of golden penis considering the effort she is putting in). Having said that, I have watched a significant amount of these movies due to my sub dermal vagina. Obviously, most of these can be explained by one emotion: grief. Grief caused by the fear of a long, lonely, and loveless life. Grief caused by the prospects of perpetually pining over someone who’ll never reciprocate it, or worst of all; grief caused by having someone, but feeling more alone than those watching The Notebook solo on Valentine’s Day (seriously, Ryan Gosling you are such a dick). It’s not all bad news though. Elisabeth KüblerRoss in her uplifting family classic, On Death and Dying, realised that (in the words of REM) “everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes”. While this might not seem so groundbreaking, Lizzie did realise that when everyone has a bitch and moan they go through the same bitching and moaning process - The Five Stages of Grief. So to all of you who feel like the world is going to end and you’re going to die a born-again virgin on Valentine’s Day; it’s not. You’re just an overdramatic oxygen thief. On the upside, here’s a play-by-play of your Valentine’s Day using the KublerRoss model: 1) Denial: “I’m just not going to celebrate Valentine’s Day.” Single Men: This isn’t actually that hard for you. In fact, Valentine’s Day isn’t that hard for you. In fact, I’d go so far as to say Valentine’s Day is your time to shine. Not that I encourage this, but all you have to do is go to your local watering hole and smile at the desperate and broken hearted. While that sounds horrible, nobody goes out on Valentine’s Day with the hope of finding a soul mate. They’re looking for temporary relief from their own shitty and lonely existence – relief you can provide in the form of an overnight visit. But be a gentleman, it’s Valentine’s Day which means foreplay is mandatory. For those of you with a heart, you’re probably going to seek advice from your close female friends as to how you can best catch that special girl, lest you cop shit from your guy friends; promptly ignore that advice and then go out with previously mentioned heartless bastards and get disgustingly drunk. Stay away from Bundy Rum.

Happy F#%&ing SCOPE

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Single Women: This will most likely result in a feminist dinner party – power-pants are mandatory. Phrases like “I don’t need a man to be happy” and “Why are men so shit” will be thrown around frequently. Red wine will be drunk, ice-cream will be consumed and Kleenex’s share price will increase. A few brave women will venture out to previously mentioned watering holes for a night/ morning they’d rather forget. The only people who really win in this situation are small business owners. Couples: The whole “I don’t subscribe to this materialistic Hallmark holiday” line isn’t going to fly, so don’t bother. Unless of course you enjoy masturbating for extended periods of time. 2) Anger: “Fuck this shit, I’m going to go stream porn and eat dinner by myself. In that order.” You’ve recognised that Valentine’s Day is inevitable; there’s no way you can really avoid it. No matter what you do you’re going to be reminded that you’re single and will probably remain that way for an extended period of time. Equipped with that new knowledge, you’re now pissed off.

While that sounds horrible, nobody goes out on Valentine’s Day with the hope of finding a soul mate. They’re looking for temporary relief from their own shitty and lonely existence – relief you can provide in the form of an overnight visit. But be a gentleman, it’s Valentine’s Day which means foreplay is mandatory. as though your inability to be with anyone on this day is going to rapidly translate into a life spent alone and worthless. On the plus side, your life can’t get any shitter than it currently is; on the down side, your life is shit.

Vodafone and other telecommunication service providers will most likely benefit from this rage, as text messages will inevitably be sent through a haze of cheap wine and Ryan Gosling movies (okay, he was pretty good in Drive).

5) Acceptance: “While the idea of Valentine’s Day is nice, it’s ultimately a commercial holiday and I should probably not be so melodramatic about the fact that I’m alone for it.” Reality strikes. You’ve realised that the success of your life isn’t directly correlated to your relationship status on Facebook. It dawns on you that you’re actually pretty stoked at being single, or alternatively your relationship is pretty awesome for the other 365 days of the year.

3) Bargaining: “Maybe ‘we’ can just spend Valentine’s Day together?” You’re not angry anymore; you’re just looking for a way out. You know you’re single, you know you don’t have someone to share Valentine’s Day with, but goddammit you’re going to try and enjoy it anyway. You’ll attempt to find someone to share Valentine’s Day with but in a non-romantic way. Sadly, it’s not going to work. It’s like pre-drinking on non-alcoholic beer and virgin daiquiris and wondering why Shooters still makes your dignity cringe when you get there.

***** So what are you going to do for Valentine’s Day? Most of this article was focused on the selfish side of Valentine’s Day, that is, only thinking about yourself and that’s cool. Keep in mind though that Valentine’s Day provides a nice opportunity to do something nice and totally selfless for a loved one (platonic or sexual). So maybe stop whinging about how shit your life is on Valentine’s Day, and do something nice for someone else.

4) Depression: “I’m going to die alone. Horribly alone. Even my cats won’t attend my funeral.” I believe it was Harvey Dent (or Thomas Fuller, but who cares) who said “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. You’ve acknowledged that no matter what scheme you come up with, you’re flying solo for Valentine’s Day. More than that, you feel

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A Guide to Valentine’s Day for any FB Relationship Status.

Kate Brady

Every 365 days, or 366 days in leap year if you want to get technical, this one-day comes around so quickly it feels like it is an actual proper holiday. This day is filled with love, affection, adoration, tenderness; but also some hatred, disgust and dislike. I am of course talking about Valentine’s Day - the reason so many people are born in November. Whether you are single, in a relationship with someone or something (hey, people marry their pets), its complicated, engaged, married or whatever your scene is, this day brings different meanings for everyone. Valentine’s Day has many meanings so I have gone to the most reliable source to define it. Urban Dictionary has two definitions for Valentine’s Day. Firstly, it is a holiday maliciously created to make lonely people extremely depressed and second, every cynic’s favourite - it is a corporate conspiracy conceived by candy makers, rose growers, lingerie stores, and jewellers to get people to spend money on junk. So let’s not get really happy or depressed about this commemoration, here is a guide on how to enjoy Valentines Day whatever your current Facebook relationship status is. For all you singles out there, this is not a day to put back on the weight you have just lost going to the gym for the last three weeks. Instead, why not make someone who has been having it tough feel special. You could go and volunteer for a day, bake something lovely to share around (if on campus, suck it up & get yourself a $150 fine for your gourmet spectacular), or just do anything nice that will have you and everyone around spreading the love. Remember this day is not just about celebrating with your loved one (they’re single in this paragraph...), it is about sprinkling the love and letting it grow. For the relationships out there, your goal is to keep everyone in

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business for next year. Gone are the days when a simple rose and ‘I love you’ were enough. Now ‘I love you’ is accompanied by: a dozen long stemmed red roses, chocolates of course (not the bad kind, the good kind), a Hallmark card is essential (because lets face it, the world cannot afford to lose Hallmark) and finally, be sure to dedicate the whole day with your soul mate to celebrate being in love and love in general. These days dinner and champagne is a requirement, most restaurants have specials for this happiest of days so you have no excuse for being cheap.

Urban Dictionary has two definitions for Valentine’s Day. Firstly, it is a holiday maliciously created to make lonely people extremely depressed and second, every cynic’s favourite - it is a corporate conspiracy conceived by candy makers, rose growers, lingerie stores, and jewellers to get people to spend money on junk. So on this day filled with chirpy and blissful people, don’t get depressed and eat your feelings. Join in and make everyone feel the love, because I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes… yeah you know that song at the start of ‘Love Actually’. Whatever your FB relationship status is spread the love, not the depressing status’ all day.

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The Good Ol’ Eagle Rock’s Here To Stay. Liam Auer

Eag·le Ro·ck v. It is the act by where persons of the male persuasion unholster their belts, let their trousers, shorts or slacks fall to their ankles and shuffle around with an alcoholic beverage in one hand while listening to Eagle Rock by Daddy Cool. - The Bondies Guide to University(1). I’m sure you’ve all been (un)lucky enough to witness the Eagle Rock at your favourite university watering hole lately. What has always been a strong tradition, this manly act has resurfaced in recent weeks. Whether it is simply the start of a new semester, or not many lads had the chance to run around with their daks off over the holidays;(2) it’s a welcome sight.

It’s time our university bar did the same. Don’s Tavern has a great love for tradition. It is, after all, named after our first Vice Chancellor, who is still entitled to a free drink there. So it’s time to pressure BUSA into lobbying for the introduction of this tradition. For the newbies, the Eagle Rock is two things. First, it’s a bestselling song from the ‘70s by Daddy Cool, an Australian rock band led by Ross Wilson. Second, it is a tradition that was spawned out of the University of Queensland’s (UQ) engineering students during the ‘80s. As the definition above describes it, whenever the song Eagle Rock is played all true men in the vicinity must drop their pants(3) to their ankles, and shuffle around for the duration of the song. As I mentioned earlier, this tradition is steeped in history and has been recognised by such illustrious bodies such as the UQ Student Union, its Red Room Bar, ABC’s music quiz show Spicks and Specks, as well as by the man himself, Ross Wilson. In fact, Mr Wilson has fully endorsed the practice on national television.(4) Likewise, UQ does not punish a man for participating in this age-old tradition. The sixth rule in the house policy of the uni bar states: Management respects the tradition of ‘The Eagle Rock’ at UQ. Patrons will be permitted to dance ‘The Eagle Rock’ with the provision that underwear is kept on and

behaviour is not deemed to be rude or distasteful. Pants must be put back on at the conclusion of the song. It’s time our university bar did the same. Don’s Tavern has a great love for tradition. It is, after all, named after our first Vice Chancellor, who is still entitled to a free drink there. So it’s time to pressure BUSA into lobbying for the introduction of this tradition. After all, Hotel CBD let us perform it on stage last Tuesday and even awarded us a prize for our performance. And some pioneering lads danced the Eagle Rock at O’Malleys on Saturday, and were only asked to leave after the song had finished. Even last year, Lauxes did a fantastic jazz rendition of Eagle Rock, where we were only kicked out after we had finished our drinks. Unfortunately, the one venue that should accommodate this tradition does not. The crackdown at Palaver on the Eagle Rock was both unexpected and disappointing. So come on BUSA: I know it’s been tabled at your committee meeting (by a certain Mr Sam R Jones), but there was no thought of entertaining the idea. I thought at least the Social Director, a strong participant in the tradition, would second the motion. I even believed that Mr Henry Norris, an oft-Eagle Rock-er, would have sympathy for the motion. Apparently not. But I implore you: Be men, do the right thing, and legitimise the Eagle Rock at Don’s. God knows that traditions, along with clubs like ACES, are dying around here and are in dire need of protection. Now, I’m aware that this article is appearing in the Valentine’s Day special of Scope. Most ladies wouldn’t think the Eagle Rock is the most romantic thing you can do, but whatever. Sometimes manliness must come before pleasing your other half. And let’s be honest, most of us who do the Eagle Rock don’t have an ‘other half’ to please anyway. So give the greatest gift of all for this week, and the rest of your time at Bond University: Do the Eagle Rock. Hey Hey Hey good old Eagle Rock’s here to stay, I’m just crazy ‘bout the way we move, Doin’ the Eagle Rock. Oh-oh-oh come on fast, you can come on slow I’m just crazy ‘bout the way we move Doin’ the Eagle Rock. - Daddy Cool, The Eagle Rock

(1). This guide actually doesn’t exist. But hey, if someone has too much time on his or her hands; you should compile it. (2). I certainly didn’t. I feel my potential employers would not approve. (3). Some interpretations of this include the removal of underwear as well (popularised by a certain Mr Sam Warriner). There is debate, however, whether this interpretation was ever intentional, or rather just a function of his habit to ‘free-ball’. (4). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxEVPFBlTVo&t=1m28s for his endorsement.

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NAME: Jack Kruger. AGE: 18 LIKES: Squash, ping pong, gym, speaking Chinese (thinking he is special when Mandarin is actually the most spoken language on the planet), sushi, Aldi and sleeping alone every night. LOOKING FOR: A lover to create little romantic dates for, and spend his millions on. INTERESTED IN: Making passionate love within the ‘den of love’ (AKA his room in the blocks).

NAME: Bonnie Whitehead. AGE: 19 LIKES: Swimming in the lake, no shoes, back hair, communism and avoiding the shower like it’s the plague. LOOKING FOR: A Liberal lover with black lady lips. INTERESTED IN: As long as there’s a hole to put my dick in, I’m down.

NAME: Kristy ‘Merganator’ Merganovski. AGE: 52 LIKES: Velvet, cats, the colour orange, Adele and history books pertaining to war ships. LOOKING FOR: A man who will wear an orange velvet catsuit, serenade me with Adele and snuggle with me all night. INTERESTED IN: Men, women & cats.

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NAME: Simon Stephen. AGE: 20 LIKES: Lebanese women that can make a good Tabouleh, cats, serenading the pants off bitches (bitches love being serenaded), B.A.S.I.C, shelving and Avatar. LOOKING FOR: My cat. INTERESTED IN: Someone that will trim my back hair for me.

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NAME: Marryum ‘Mazza’ Kahloon. AGE: 18 LIKES: Getting hot and passionate over political debate, losing demerit points for excessive speeding, sweaty back-hair, inappropriate price haggling. LOOKING FOR: A smooth-talker to counter-balance my social awkwardness & someone who won’t get jealous of my cats. INTERESTED IN: Men, Egyptian cotton & Bonnie Whitehead.

NAME: Christian “Achtung schnell schnell” Shultz. AGE: Irrelevant with guns like mine. LIKES: Silently brooding whilst trying to find a tighter shirt. LOOKING FOR: Someone who is equally quiet and capable of ironing said shirt (while I’m gyming it with my man RT). INTERESTED IN: Tight clothing (for me or others) and comical hats (seriously check FB, I’ve got a bit of a collection).

Single and Looking... NAME: John “JB” Baur. AGE: Is just a number, much like a phone number. Whats yours? LIKES: Going for a bit of a swing. I’m not just talking golf clubs either... did I mention I’ve got a handicap? LOOKING FOR: A girl who can caddy in more ways than one, and look good surfing. INTERESTED IN: A woman that can make me understand the rules of Rugby Union. Heck even a bloke would do. I just don’t get it!

NAME: Liam Auer. AGE: ... Been here since ‘07. Enough said. LIKES: Pelicoptering, the Hobbit, Tony Abbott, Eagle Rocking, having a shit one, trolling on Facebook, Justin Bieber, investment banking, qanda, and Alfa Romeo. LOOKING FOR: A grizzly man that’s half as cool as Clint Eastwood. INTERESTED IN: Okay.

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MUSIC ARTS & S W E I REV

THE FIRST TIME JONATHAN DODD

We all have to go through that awkward ritual if we dream of a life of frequent fornication. Common ways of describing these moments are generally through movie names: Gone in Sixty Second, I Am Legend, Shame, There Will Be Blood, Superbad, The Uninvited and (for the unlucky few) 28 days later. For me, I’d say ‘When a Stranger Calls’; a film with a Rotten Tomatoes score of 9%. However, my serendipitous encounter with this unlucky lady was a little more enjoyable. If only it was with Camilla Belle though... Sitting alone on the staircase slumped up against the adjacent wall struggling to maintain consciousness, I was, well, a mess. Post-Water Polo season celebrations at my house were well underway, and the empty red cups were accumulating fast. Much to the chagrin of my parents, I’d taken it upon myself to lead the charge towards self-induced obliteration. So this was where I ended up. A paralytic Neanderthal, waiting for that second (or was it third, or fourth...) burst of energy that would

Fast forward twenty minutes. Fumbling hands struggling to undo articles of clothing. Awkward swipes inside the bedside drawer for my dust-covered stash of prophylactics (which were most likely nearing their use-by date). Things were over as fast as they had begun. Well, more like interrupted. A couple of thuds on the door were the only warning we had. The door swung open and in walked mother, who quickly performed a pirouette and walked back out closing the door behind her.

carry me back to the esky, to continue to fight the good fight. A slender figure started walking up the stairs towards me. I’d introduced myself earlier as she and her friend arrived. Her friend was here for a boy and she had begrudgingly tagged along. Christ, what was her name? “Hey,” she said. “Hey there,” I slurred in response. She sat down next to me, assessing my sobriety. Shit, shit, shit. I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and fess up. “You know,” I stammered. “I afraid that I’ve completely forgotten your name, sorry.” She chuckled slightly, “It’s [REDACTED].” It was safe to say that I was relatively embarrassed. She didn’t seem to mind though, because her hand was now on my knee. Driven by concupiscence, I made my move.

The weight was no longer on my shoulders. I secured for a phone number and she hurriedly dressed, leaving me with but a kiss on the cheek. In retrospect it’s hard to review such an event, mainly because my non-existent journalistic fan base would cry havoc with claims of bias and unprofessionalism. I will only say that later conversations with [REDACTED] revealed that she didn’t think it was my first time. As such, I’m awarding myself a modest 2.5 sighs of relief out of 5. Or 5 high-fives out of 5 from my best mate the morning after.

Mood = Killed. A muffled, “Jon? Is there a girl named [REDACTED] in there with you?” was heard.

***** “Well, at least I know you’re not gay”, mum said as I triumphantly descended the staircase five minutes later. I paused, taken aback by the unexpected words. Not the exact words you’d expect a mother to say after walking in on you and that special someone.

I groaned. “Yes.” “Tell her, her mum is here to pick her up.” Shit. And with that, it was over. Done. Finito. The cherry was popped!

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|18| MAR

It’s every girl’s dream date to be taken to a romantic movie, followed by a fancy restaurant that would of course lead to an ooey-gooey dessert and possibly, if we’re lucky, to be serenaded by the boy of our dreams. Well, perhaps we should think twice because little did I know, my first date with the boy of my dreams (not) was about to turn into a nightmare. As he picked me up and drove me to the cinemas, the date was off to a good start. When we arrived at Event Cinemas I felt pretty pleased, as my date had come prepared with a movie voucher; meaning I only had to pay him $10 for the ticket. Apparently, chivalry isn’t quite dead. Yet.

“Do you want fries with that?” A First McDate Disaster

As the date continued, it came to my attention that the movie was not quite the movie I had expected to see on a first date. I mean it’s not that I had my expectations too high, but I was not expecting to see countless scenes of men peeing and the staging of porno scenes. When the movie finally ended and I could adjust my eyes, I remember letting out a sigh of relief as I naively thought that nothing could get worse from here. Fortunately, my date shared the same idea of going to a fancy restaurant. However, we probably don’t share the same dictionary because his idea of ‘fancy’ was of course, good old Maccas!

VADA SUN

When we arrived, I was trying my hardest to pull off a smile as he seemed to think he was ‘just a little bit fancy’. At least this time at the counter, he surprised me with a caramel sundae. I know what you’re thinking, how did I get this lucky? As he led me to our table, which was in the conference room at Maccas, he explained to me how fortunate we were to have such a table as most business executives now held their meetings there. I was quite impressed.

forget that table where I was serenaded with none other but a self-written rap. I would like to say that then and there, I knew I had found the one; but that would be lying.

We began the usual first date chatter, and I pretty much learnt about his entire life and how he was not only into skateboarding and surfing, but he was of course the best. As this exhilarating banter continued, nothing and no one could have prepared me for the following event. The last box in my dream date checklist was about to get ticked. At Maccas. I will never

Somehow, I made it home alive and I could hear the hallelujah chorus as I slammed his car door shut. My date seemed to have ticked every box on my dream-date checklist and yet, he bastardised it all at the same time. Although I would I like to, I know I will never forget that night where I dared to dream.

My GFC: My Great Flirtatious Crises MARRYUM KAHLOON

I am a strong independent female who don’t need no man… except on Valentine’s Day when I suddenly become a strong independent female who desperately needs a man. Yes, it is lame. Yes, it is epitome of ridiculous. Yes, it is a manufactured consequence of a materialistic society that has substituted real emotion for material goods. But, I want a blasted teddy bear with an edible rose too! I was asked to review a date for this week’s Scope but the last date I went on was not long enough ago to gush over, nor heinous enough to ridicule. It was actually rather nice, and considering that prior to that experience the nearest semblance to a date I had had was a trip to KFC where I had to pay because he forgot his wallet; I’d rather not jinx it. But, my lack of romantic success got me pondering… what in Merlin’s name am I doing wrong?! I mean there was that one time I took a nod from my good pal David Ricardo, and

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ended things by describing the time we had spent together using the law of diminishing returns. Words like utility, negative gradient and marginal output should never be used in social, let alone romantic, contexts. Aforementioned male and I no longer speak, and I feel I sufficiently scared his friends off too. It is also probably not the best idea to respond with “I’ll have to do a cost/benefit analysis” when someone asks you out. The above situations are strange because firstly, I hate economics and secondly, who the hell does that?! Saaah weird. My natural point of blame would be the chauvinistic society we inhabit and, not trying to have a rant (but still totally having a rant), if you think about it; it kind of makes sense. The number of times I have heard people reduce relationships down to a few discrete characteristics is ridiculous. Reciprocity is a concept so far gone that paleontologists wouldn’t be able to find it. Relationships should not be about what you get out of it. It’s not a question of utility but mutual gain. To make myself sound even nerdier… it’s not a zero sum game. That’s a lesson I still need to learn but until then I guess I’ll be buying myself that teddy bear and that damned chocolate rose.

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SCOPE SPORT

Res Wars Weekly Recap: Beach Volleyball Alan White Rain, hail, torrential flooding or tsunami – Res Wars will always go on! In what was a wet and windy Res Wars Beach Volleyball, the numbers were smaller but the drama, testosterone and sand induced aggression lived on. With a lone Green Machine male fronting the wet, mathematics told the Campus Life team that 28 AC Red Devils versus one Green Machine would not work out well. As such, it was AC v AC v B Block v A Block during the round robin phase. Oh and the lone Green Machine was still in the game, joining the B Block forces. The games were competitive, with both AC (2) and A Block taking early leads against their more favoured opponents. With large numbers meaning plenty of fresh rotations, both AC (2) and A Block looked the goods, winning their first two games rather convincingly. However it was AC (2) who managed to win by two goals, taking them into the grand final as early favourites. After losing all three round robin games against more fancied and skilled opponents, B Block pushed aside AC (1) in a come-from-behind victory with an after the siren win 37 – 36. On the women’s side of the draw, a lone AC female joined her male counterparts! Games were friendly and quietly competitive amongst the three remaining teams, with Green Machine out to prove they had what it takes to compete; despite only having four players to their name. In what was a fluctuating round robin, B Block beat A Block, Green Machine beat B Block and A Block beat Green Machine; meaning a countback would decide the final. By a nose, Green Machine missed out on glory and was relegated to third place. As for the finals, they were dominated by two teams that knew how to ‘bring it on’ (yeah, I went there). Well done to a powerhouse AC for smashing the A Block Boys heavily, and to the A Block girls who brought back some glory for their heartbroken male counterparts. BOYS 1. AC 2. A Block 3. B Block 4. Green Machine

GIRLS 1. A Block 2. B Block 3. Green Machine 4. AC

Sanctuary Cove Golf Day James Rutty Last Friday the Bond University Golf Club ran its bi-annual golf day, with 20 students taking place in the event. The Golf Day marked an exciting new partnership between the Club and Sanctuary Cove Golf Club, one of the leading golfing facilities on the Gold Coast. Despite the challenging layout of the Sanctuary Cove course, the competition was fierce with two teams finishing the round with a score of 61 (Nett). Given the draw we were forced to count back to determine which group was

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|20| SPORT

the winner, with first prize being awarded to Donovan Scholtz and Ian Bower, closely followed by Dave Morton and Cody King who were unlucky to bogey the final hole. I would like to take the chance to thank those who participated in the event, and I hope it was an enjoyable experience for all. Many of the players involved will be key to Bond retaining its dominance over golf at the Northern University Games next semester.

It takes two to tango... but please don’t. Bec Thompson Ahh, Valentine’s Day. No offence intended to the spirit of this Hallmark invented holiday, but it gives rise to way too many chunder-worthy activities to be described as anything but sickening. Relating this broad concept back to the topic I serve you all to write about, which would be sport in case anyone is left confused, I find my distaste applies rather fittingly. I’ve got one reason for you: couples’ sports. Inseparable couples are usually annoying in themselves without any added help. But when certain couples take up couple sports … that is a whole new level of repulsive couple activity. Certainly, one must respect power couples that train for Ironman series or marathons together, but a line must be drawn for some ‘sports’, such as the following... NB: The following are real life examples taken from a heterosexual couple, who yes exist in this modern day and age, with the worst part being I live with the pair of them. 1. Ballroom Dancing. The sort of thing you thought only existed in pathetic rom-com movies, this has now become a regular Tuesday night class. Despite the other members of the class all being 60+, they stand by their convictions and have used the obvious age gap to their advantage

in a self-created competition. Unfortunately they have not confined themselves to the privacy of the ‘ballroom’. Through sheer talent they are now able to match their newly learned fox trot moves to anything from LMFAO to Aloe Blacc, and have rearranged my loungeroom to practice. Regularly. 2. Figure Ice-Skating. Admittedly Blades of Glory would inspire anyone to consider taking up the sport, but in reality how many self-respecting teenage couples actually do that shit. 3. Yoga. Yoga in itself is questionable, but seeing this pair worship the sun together every morning is something nobody really wants to wake up to. 4. Tandem Cycling. Enough said. 5. Abseiling. Apparently a great sport for couples, as it encourages trust and other supposedly important things like that. So this Valentine’s Day, sure, spend it with the one you love. But if you can’t spend a minute apart, why not try couples boxing or cage fighting to make things a bit more interesting ... mainly for the rest of us. Disclaimer: For the purpose of this article I have referred to these couple activities as ‘sports’, however I do not endorse this view in the slightest.

BOND SURF CAMP 121

Photos provided by Campus Life

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GET READY TO JUMPSTART YOUR DEGREE! Welcome to the new HMSA! Jumpstart are the representatives for all Health Sciences and Medicine students, and we are looking forward to bringing life back into the HMSA. We are a group of like-minded students with diverse backgrounds and study fields, who aim to improve academic and social university life for all Health Sciences and Medicine students; as well as to create greater cohesion between the HSM faculty and the greater Bond community. To find out more about our policies, check out our facebook page – just search “Jumpstart for HMSA”. We look forward to an exciting year ahead!

Dave O’Brien Position: President. Studying: Bachelor of Biomedical Science. My favourite movie of 2011 was...  Crazy, Stupid Love. My fantasy celebrity husband/wife would be... Nigella Lawson. 1. She is a celebrity chef. 2. Have you seen her talk dirty? (YouTube it).

Daisy Swindon Position: Treasurer. Studying: Bachelor of Biomedical Science/Bachelor of Law. I couldn’t live without… trashy reality TV. It’s embarrassing how much of it I can watch. Real Housewives, Toddlers and Tiaras, Kardashians or any of those badly produced shows on lifestyle channels. You name it, anything goes! My favourite childhood toy was… my brother. He fitted very nicely in my toy pram, being paraded around the house.

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Jeremy Fitzpatrick Position: Vice President. Studying: Bachelor of Sports Management/Bachelor of Law. My weirdest habit would be… staying until the end of the credits at the movies. My friends can’t stand it but you’ll never know if you miss something after them! If I had a superpower it would be… to be able to stop time because that would be awesome. Either that or I wouldn’t mind turning into the hulk once in a while. That would also be a lot of fun.

Hannah Evans-Barns Position: Secretary. Studying: Bachelor of Biomedical Science. The last thing I ate was… Grill’d… mmmmm. My favourite quote from The Simpsons is… “This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued The Never Ending Story.”

|22| FSA UPDATE

Lana Jephcote Position: Academic Affairs Director. Studying: Bachelor of Biomedical Science. If I had a superpower, it would be… ind control. You could do absolutely everything and anything with it! The song I really loudly sing along to in the car is… S Club 7 – Bring It All Back! If you’ve never heard it before, listen to it - it’s ammaazzzzinggg.

Joe McLachlan Position: Social Director. Studying: Bachelor of Sports Science and Exercise Science. I would like to be stuck on an island with… a plane. My favourite quote from The Simpsons is… “To alcohol! The cause of – and the solution to – all life’s problems!”

James Coldham Position: Medicine Representative. Studying: Bachelor of Medicine/ Bachelor of Surgery. Every morning I… debate whether or not it’s too early to get out of bed and walk the 50m to my lecture which one day might help me save lives… often it is. My favourite quote from The Simpsons is… “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

Logan Kratzer Position: Promotions Director. Studying: Bachelor of Biomedical Science. The song I really loudly sing along to in the car is… anything by my main lady Celine Dio. Best female singer of all time. I’ll have words with anyone who says otherwise. I’d like to be stuck on an island with… El Diablo. He seems like he has it all figured out.

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Alyce Lalieu Position: Publications Director. Studying: Bachelor of Medicine/ Bachelor of Surgery. My fantasy celebrity husband/wife would be… Stephen Fry. Because intelligence is sexy. My favourite quote from The Simpsons is… “I would like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat.”

Megan Ball Position: IT Director. Studying: Bachelor of Biomedical Science. If I had a superpower, it would be... to rap as fast as Busta Rhymes. I’d like to be stuck on an island with... an unlimited tin of nesquick. Who wouldn’t?

Rosie Viner Position: Health Representative. Studying: Bachelor of Forensic Science. If I were an animal, I would be… a rabbit. No matter how much I want to be a miniature giraffe, Rabbit is my nickname and I may as well embrace it. Every morning I… swear I’m going to change my sleeping habits and actually attend and stay awake in my 8/9/10/11am classes, albeit this never eventuates. Thank god for no attendance marks in 121!

James Allen Position: Sponsorship Director. Studying: Bachelor of Sports Management. My favourite movie of 2011 was… Justin Bieber Never Say Never. I couldn’t live without… my Blackberry!

| 23| FSA UPDATE

Photo: Kenny Kagiah

CONGRATULATIONS

FELICIA BRAGG

Coca-Cola Amatil Business Manager, Brendan Simes presenting the Apple Prize Pack to Felicia Bragg

Bond University Law/IR student, Felicia Bragg, is the lucky winner of the Coca Cola Apple Prize Pack competition that was held in Semester 113. Felicia simply had to buy a Coca Cola product from Cafe Bond last semester, and fill out the accompanying entry form.

The ‘Apple Prize Pack’ that Felicia won included: • An 8GB iPod Touch; • An 8GB iPod Nano; • An Apple TV; • A $50 iTunes gift card. The Coca Cola competition was run exclusively at Bond, so the odds of winning were incredibly favourable to Bondies. Coca Cola often runs promotions tailored specifically for university students and university campuses. Keep an eye out for any future competitions on offer, and don’t forget to enter!

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|24| ODDS & ENDS

HOT Buying yourself a rose on Valentine’s Day because you’re an independent woman who don’t need no man... Chaice’s status and the hilarities involved Bond University Memes Going to Traffic Light Party wearing green Lightning storm over the weekend

UPDATE FROM YOUR BSA The Global Management Challenge has kicked off, with the first decision submitted on Wednesday night. The GMC is an academic competition which simulates the decision making processes of large companies. Competitors form a team and act as a hypothetical company’s board of directors. They are then given various fact scenarios and are required to respond by making advantageous decisions about the company’s management. This year there are 28 teams competing in the GMC, split up into four pools.

Buying yourself a gift from Tiffany’s The teams with the highest share price in their pool after 5 decisions will go on to the national final. After the first decision, Bond teams are leading two of the four pools. Bond 1 (Liam Auer, Mitchell Stevens, Adam Roberts, James Graham and Andrew Lahey) is leading pool one and Bond 10 (Lisa-Katrin Galpin, Kahla Williams and Kara Firth) is leading pool four. There are still four more decisions to go, and at the moment Bond teams are fairing well.

First Insight NOT Going to Traffic Light Party wearing red Girlfriend on the other side of the world PDAs RICOH Falling behind with uni work

BOND CLASSIFIEDS Bond Uni Rugby Club requires a medic for the GRAPHIC DESIGNER - BIG. upcoming season, starting approx 31st March. Do you have graphic design skills? BIG wants you! Will be for home games at Bond (Saturday around Send your cover letter, resume and an ORIGINAL midday), with 10-12 home games. We can assist poster design idea for one of our events (Titans of with transport and any training courses you need Industry, EDGE Series, etc.) to media@bondinvestto undertake. mentgroup.org. Great opportunity for any med or physio students Applications close Friday 17th February! to gain practical experience. Will provide referWANT TO ADVERTISE? ence following the season. Send an email to scope.bond@gmail.com with all Please contact Max Wolthers: 0403 847007 or the relevant details (name, goods/services, contact number etc.), plus your student ID (so we can verify maxwolthers@gmail.com that you’re a student). MAXIMUM 50 WORDS DEADLINE: 4PM MONDAY EACH WEEK SCOPE

| 25| ODDS & ENDS

STIs Mid sem exams

HOT or NOT

H A A A A VE Y O U M E T . . . ? Ideal date location and companion? Steve Jobs at the Robina Town Centre Apple Bar. Do you call a snail without a shell naked or homeless? ...are a BUELI student or a Labor voter? What food would you be and why? An apple. Why? I just love everything to do with apples. Name: Nick ‘Bazza’ Rodgers Age: 20, in dog years. Degree: B. Arts (Phil.) and Business Law. Beginning Semester: 101 Hometown: Sunny Coast BondSync Relationship Status: *optional field* Star Sign: I don’t subscribe to quasi-science.

What is your study motto? When in doubt, take it out. A genie grants you three wishes - what are they and why? 1. To take control of Bond Marketing. 2. Learn the ways of the Jedi. 3. Get accepted into an Economics Honours program with Ahmed.

Do you judge other people for their past indiscretions? Forgiveness is overrated. Once a MS-DOS fan, always a MS-DOS fan. If you could swap bodies with anyone at Bond for a day, who would it be and why? Someone from the Service Desk... so I could stop raping everyone’s inboxes. Choose: never washing your bed sheets again, or never washing your towel again. I support immigration for this exact reason. Weirdest place you’ve had a sexual encounter? In my sea-kayak off Byron. Long story short...remember to slip, slop, slap.

NEXT WEEK: Nominate yourself or dob in someone else to scope.bond@gmail.com