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This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18. Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XLV Issue XV February 27th, 2013 BREASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD quickies Surprise oscar appearance by First lady marred by wardrobe malfunction BY Sass bass And Damn 'Oman' Chog jr. Staff writers HOLLYWOOD--The ceremony for the 85th Academy Awards proved to be full of unexpected surprises. However, the biggest surprise did not come until the end of the ceremony, when the award for ‘Best Picture’ was announced. “I was ready to ‘wow’ the audience by having Michelle Obama announce the award” said Oscar winner Jack Nicholson, who had agreed to introduce the First Lady during the ceremony. “But just before she was handed the envelope, her damn tits fell out.” Mrs. Obama, who secretly agreed to participate in the ceremony several weeks ago, failed to notice her own exposed bosom as she prepared to present the Academy Award for Best Motion Picture to Argo. The First Lady was quickly covered up by Secret Service Agents, two of whom placed their heads in the foreground of the camera to shield Mrs. Obama’s nipples 50¢ Bus Door Cuts Kid in Two; Family Excited for New Twins Sophomore Julian Fingers was hurrying to get on the LX at the Livingston Student Center when the doors suddenly closed, cutting him into two new people. Both as identical as if they were looking into a mirror. "We're just so happy to now have two sons," exclaimed mother Mary Fingers. "We always noticed that Julian was missing out in life by not having a brother, it's like Austin (the left side) completes him." Mob Boss Kills Man with Kindness; Nail Gun Lights, Camera, Erection! from the airwaves. “We were prepared for many anomalies,” said Walter Douglass, head of Security for the First Lady. “We were ready for a single nip-slip, an upskirt, cameltoe; we even had an away team set up to prevent side boob. But a full torso exposure? We didn’t even see that coming.” After Mrs. Obama announced the award, the White House quickly cut the video feed as the Argo production team walked forward to accept the award. “Thank you for this award. It means a lot to the whole cast and crew,” said Director Ben Affleck, as he held his Oscar aloft, seemingly unfazed by the sight of the First Lady’s breasts. Oblivious American thinks Iran is new Apple product Student Financial Review Finds Money Under Couch Cushion Darwin or lose Targum Columnists to Settle Creationism Debate with Death Match BY Randy Butternubs Personals EDITOR PISCATAWAY--After last week’s heated debate in the University’s The Daily Targum, columnists Ed Reep and Michael Perino arranged to finally settle the creationist-evolutionary debate with a wholesome bare knuckle brawl to the death. The death match has renewed interest in the decades old debate, with many Rutgers students, faculty, and staff looking forward to the gruesome battle between two students who are way too in-your-face about their uninteresting and pretentious opinions. “I really can’t wait for this shit to go down,” said Sophomore James Steiner. “I mean, I really don’t know much about the theory of evolution. They covered it in my second year of high school, so how could I be expected to remember something like that now? It’s been like … 5 years.” Rutgers University Programming Association will be and dramatic as possible, while avoiding any references to either competitor’s arguments or supporting evidence. RUPA representative Tiffany Jasper gave Medium reporters an inside scoop of how the whole thing may go down. “As of now, we’re thinking of throwing them both into a cage and having them beat each other with books relating to their respective beliefs.” sponsoring the bloodbath in Jasper announced that the fight order to add more flair. The may be delayed until Rutgers team assigned to planning is Day. “It will be a great opporcurrently considering many ex- tunity to show the community citing options. From a WWE and prospective students how challenge match to a Hunger academic debate can be more Games-inspired massacre, they than a mundane regurgitation of are still mulling their options for quotes, but can be exciting and the death match to be as bloody appeal to our bloodlust.” Enjoy your free blanket! ESTABLISHED 1970

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