Adams and simply catches views of his lovelorn on the big (or little) screen. He also admits to crushes on Diane Lane, Anne Hathaway, Laura Linney and Julianne Moore. Normal? Yes. As long as you a) keep it in the “fantasy” mode – meaning you don’t do anything other than giggle with your girlfriends over a cold margarita over your schoolgirl crush and b) if you tell your husband about. At least that’s what the experts say, though truth be told, I didn’t need to ask them because when I talked to my girlfriends they all said the same thing. “Helloooo??? For sure! We may be married but we’re not dead!”(Or some variation of yes, we’ve had crushes), though – interesting point to note: Tina Tessina, aka “Dr Romance” and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (TinaTessina.com) says crushes tend to be most common among stressed young mothers “or women for whom life has become routine.” For some, it’s about talking to the handsome football hero that never gave you the time of day in high school — now, however, he’s the dad of your daughter’s friend — so you have reason to chat on the baseball field sidelines. For others, it’s simply basking in the undivided attention we no longer get at home (how many of us really look at our husbands in the morning before rushing to make breakfasts, drive carpools, pack backpacks, gulp a cup of coffee?). Or, they could be those “silent types” you see everyday filling your latte cup or delivering your mail. Paula Holt who blogs at Marital Musings (http://www.maritalmusings.com/marital_musings/), thinks it’s best to not know your crush well or have regular contact with said fascination (think the UPS delivery man, not the guy who sits in the next cubicle). She admits she has a crush on her father’s young, successful, athletic neighbor. “Well, had a crush might be more accurate,” she clarifies. “I think the fact that he rarely said more than ‘hello’ has something to do with me getting over him.”
The How and Why (Blushing Allowed)
Crushes are simply projected fantasies, explains Dr. Tessina. Whatever you may – or may not be doing — in your real life, you can do in the imaginary crush world. There is no responsibility to the person you have the crush on, so no real world relationship issues intrude. Many times it’s simply about hormones. “This is about being physically attracted to someone,” adds “Love Your Marriage Expert” Lesli M. W. Doares, a licensed psychotherapist in Southern. California and author of the forthcoming book, Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage: How to Create Your Happily Ever After with More Intention, Less Work (http://balancedfamily.com/).”Those feelings do not shut down simply because we are emotionally committed to our spouses. It is the same biological process that comes into play when we ‘fall in love’ and it’s not a problem as long as we recognize it for what it is.” If you were actually to act on your crush, you’d probably be very disappointed, seconds Dr. Tessina. This is why women 30
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For some, it’s about talking to the handsome football hero that never gave you the time of day in high school—now he’s the dad of your daughter’s friend—so you have reason to chat on the baseball sidelines have crushes on movie characters (vampires, spies, cowboys, cops) and also unavailable people (like a gay hairdresser or a married neighbor) who are not likely to become a reality. According to Doares, if we begin to compare the new and unknown with the same old same old, the new will almost always win out. “But in fact, we are comparing apples and oranges. We can’t unknow our partner, but it is important to realize we don’t really know our crush. We can imagine all kinds of wonderful things without any basis in reality.” The bottom line: As long as you know the difference between the fantasy crush and real life, you’re fine. If, however –and this is common sense — you find yourself acting on the crush, or becoming obsessive and neglecting your husband and family, then you’ve got a problem. “The emotional energy that is spent fantasizing about the hot doctor or the cute guy in the gym is natural and almost unavoidable but if you invest too much of yourself into that energy, it can take away your commitment to your spouse,” stresses, Clinical Psychologist Dr. Dana Fillmore, co-founder of StrongMarriageNow.com. For blogher, Paula, who’s been married seven years, the “ideal crush connection” should be a direct relationship between the quality of your marriage and the intensity of the crush. “The higher your marital satisfaction, the more you can blush and giggle when you see the object of your affection,” she says. “If you’re having marital problems you should barely notice when he is in the room.” (I like that she admits giving this issue serious thought while sitting in her car outside her dad’s house hoping the object of her affection would walk outside.) It also helps if the crush is not a secret. I’m quiet as a church mouse when my husband I go to movies that feature his “girlfriends,” for example, and rarely say an unkind word about them even when The New York Times critics (his bible) give them a bad review. Mark, on the other hand, puts up with my weekly visits to Dr S (mostly because I’m allergic to our dog who is his BFF), even when I tell him that in “another life” I could be living on easy street as the wife of a successful doctor (meaning not working, traveling to exotic locales and dripping with diamonds and pearls– hey it’s my fantasy). Paula’s in the same boat as me. She says her husband was prone to “laughing fits” when he’d see her flash her best smile at her father’s neighbor. Bottom line: “My husband was clearly was not threatened by my very one-sided relationship.” ■