EDITORIAL ‘F***ing shit’ shouted the bloke in front of me as we traipsed out of The Valley last Saturday. ‘Absolute garbage’. I wasn’t so sure. Frustrating I’d grant you; disappointing likewise, not quite good enough sure. But what I’d just watched hadn’t been ‘shit’ – and I’ve supported Rovers long enough to know what ‘shit’ is.
That leaves 17 or 14 in between. We’re on course to be one of those sides, I don’t think there can be many fans who expected us to be anything other than one of those sides this season, so why is losing games along the way such a disaster? Why to some is it seemingly an insult?
When did football fans become so intolerant of average? When did we decide to stop being accepting of anything that occupied that wide plain that exists between terrific and terrible and decide instead to corral everything that happens into one of two binary pens; ‘shit’ and ‘brilliant’? What have we done to deserve any more than average most of the time? Life isn’t like that – most of our days are mere tokenistic, general steps toward the grave – so why should football be any different?
I’ve been present at just shy of a third of Rovers matches this season, but on only one of those occasions – Wimbledon away since you ask – was I particularly underwhelmed by what I saw. I’d say that was a decent fairing. I don’t expect to be thrilled every time I watch Rovers in the same way I don’t expect to be thrilled by every time I go to the cinema, or read a book. Sometimes the writer and the material are there, but it just doesn’t click. It happens. Of course I’m not saying you can’t strive for greatness, or that you can’t hope and wish for more. We all do.
Only three teams in League One can truly succeed this season, six if you count getting to the play-offs a success. Four teams can fail.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE 5 9 10 12 14 15 16 18 20 21
The Bernard Glover Diaries Spotted! Fash Forward How the Other Half Live Remembering the First Time Watson TV Lazarus Comes Forth Howard’s Marks Follows the Rovers The Fan Fanel
3
24 26 28 29 30 32 34 36 38 39
For Peat’s Sake Voice of the Pop Side Reasons to Love Football The Strikers’ Graveyard Marshall Matters Beneath the Statue Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge Windmills of Your Mind Reg Ipsa Check our Tirade
And similarly, we don’t have to be happy with where we are just because we’re not storming the pitch every week in protest, and no-one’s tried to set fire to the ground in two decades. Comparing now to our nadir, doesn’t help anyone. But we must be realistic in our progress; it’s more likely to take years than weeks.
Whilst the results of the first team are of course important, there is more to what we’re doing and what we are achieving as a club than that. We appear to have a solid setup, we’re starting to bring younger players through and look to the nonleagues for talent, and we’ve a squad of players who get what it means to represent a community.
So long as every defeat is viewed as a disaster, the pressure on the manager increases. Shouts of ‘Fergie out!’ were audible at The Valley – they could be even more audible today depending on how we fared against Portsmouth whilst this issue was being printed. Whenever the subject of sacking the manager comes up, I’m reminded of Sean O’Driscoll’s candid and compelling interview with Goalfood, seven years ago.
I expected this season to give Rovers a mid-table finish – indeed if you look back at issue 89 you’ll see all five respondents to our fan panel felt similarly. As I write, we’re only around four points off that, which is what? Matty Blair’s opening day effort against Gillingham not being cleared off the line, and Northampton’s goalkeeper not making a brilliant save from Ben Whiteman. Fine margins.
The average tenure of a [manager’s] job is less than 18 months. You’re trying to put something together which is long term and all that really matters is trying to win the next game so f**k everything else, managers just need to win the next game. Then you win the next game and you’re supposedly a better manager for it, then you win the next one after that and all of a sudden you’re going to jump ship because someone else wants you. The whole thing is cyclical. Ferguson, or at least the perception of him, appears stuck in this cycle. He is managing a team in a division where they are set to lose around as many games as they win, perhaps a few more. Yet, each time he loses he’s shit, and each time he wins he’s earned a stay of execution. Mercifully, it would seem those in charge at Rovers know such knee-jerk reactionism isn’t the way to run a football club.
Personally I believe, as frustrating as it is to see your team lose, the only time to get rid of a manager is when things are truly rotten; when the position the club is in is fundamentally wrong, when the situation is beyond repair. I don’t think anyone could argue this is where Rovers are at right now. But then I realise – particularly so when walking out of The Valley – that I’m perhaps in a minority. I’ll accept a couple of seasons of struggle if we were, as a club, are doing everything right to garner long-term progress. It’s not ideal, but I’d argue it’s better than throwing the dice over and over again only to tread water. Just look at Oldham Athletic. They’ve been in League One for 20 years straight now. It’s a wonder they still bother. The penalty for terrorism charges is more lenient than that. 4
THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES THE LEAVES ARE FALLING, BUT SO ARE ROVERS CATCH UP ON THE SEASON SO FAR Alex Jones duly equalised for City late on, but just as extra-time loomed Rovers struck again; Whiteman’s low drive securing a place in round two.
SATURDAY 5 AUGUST ROVERS 0-0 GILLINGHAM Among Rovers fans I’d spoken to before the season’s opening game, there was a clear consensus on where the team’s strengths and weaknesses lay. Good going forward, but with a defence that could lapse into a Laurel & Hardy sketch at any given moment. A recipe which promises goals, all of the goals… and so you probably could’ve stuck your house on us starting the season with a goalless draw.
SATURDAY 12 AUGUST BLACKBURN ROVERS 1-3 ROVERS If you’re going to play the biggest side in the division away from home, then it’s probably best to catch them whilst they’re still blinking confusedly into the headlights of their new third tier reality. The first half was as cagey as it was goalless, but the away Rovers grew into it more than the home Rovers as James Coppinger asserted control on the midfield.
That said, of the two sides on show here Rovers looked the more impressive and were unlucky not to take more from the game; with Matty Blair seeing a shot cleared off the line; Ben Whiteman striking the bar and Gillingham ‘keeper Tomáš Holý pulling off a number of strong saves.
Before we’d had chance to take our seats for the second half John Marquis was bearing down on us to put Doncaster one up, having pounced on a loose defensive pass. The hosts tried to find a way back into it and in doing so left a nice big space to break into; Coppinger was first to do so – pulled down before he could shoot, but able to coolly despatch the resultant penalty. By now Blackburn’s defence were running through all the facets of their slapstick vaudeville act, and a weak goalkeeping header gifted a third away goal, this time for May.
TUESDAY 8 AUGUST BRADFORD CITY 2-3 ROVERS A Cup run! And a win against a recent finalist to boot. OK, that finalist maybe a side from the same division, but this was still a very encouraging victory in a game that swung back and forth; Alfie May’s opener for Rovers cancelled out by Dominic Poleon before the break. In the second half a daft lunge by Romain Vincelot earned him a red card and opened up space for Rovers in attack who went back in front through Rodney Kongolo.
In the final minute Blackburn nodded in the most consulate of consolation goals, but no-one really noticed; one of the great away days. 5
SATURDAY 19 AUGUST ROVERS 3-3 BLACKPOOL
SATURDAY 26 AUGUST AFC WIMBLEDON 2-0 ROVERS
Blackpool came into this one having not lost in the league in Doncaster since 2004, and it was clear they were not planning on breaking that record any time soon.
Sun in the sky, beer in the belly, feet on a terrace. This had all the makings of a great football away day. It’s just a shame, no-one told Doncaster Rovers. Darren Ferguson’s side reigning expectations back to ground level by offering up a tediously forgettable ninety minutes.
The match came to life midway through the first half when Tommy Rowe’s effort went in off the back of Ryan Allsop. Celebrations ensued, but were halted before we’d have chance to sit down again when Sean Longstaff stuck one in the top corner a minute later. However, Rovers were back in front before half-time, as Marquis hooked in an overhead kick.
Wimbledon somehow offered even less to crow about; that is until the 58th minute when, with the first bit of quality all afternoon, Kwesi Appiah hooked the ball over his shoulder to leave Andy Butler chasing shadows, and from the resulting space, calmly slotted home the opener.
This time the lead lasted twenty minutes before Ollie Turton became the latest tangerine-shirted man to let rip from range and find the top corner. But then goal machine May came off the bench to make it 3-2. Could Rovers hold on? No. One minute later Callum Cooke slotted home to share the points.
Within two minutes it was 2-0; Andy Barcham breaking free from the lacklustre challenges of Rowe and Whiteman to fire a low shot in off Lawlor’s post. That was the game won, with half an hour still to go. At fulltime Ferguson apologised to the away support for Rovers’ performance. It was that kind of afternoon.
TUESDAY 22 AUGUST ROVERS 2-0 HULL CITY
TUESDAY 29 AUGUST INTERNET MARINERS 0 DONNY R’SONISTS 1
OK, now, it’s a Cup run. Hull City made 11 changes to their starting line-up for this game, and Rovers duly showed them the sort of respect that attitude merits by dumping them in a metaphorical Cup ditch thanks to goals from May and Rowe.
Whilst Rovers were trivialising themselves at Blundell Park in a cheapened version of what used to be the Football League Trophy; a number of our supporters and those of Grimsby Town met on a field in North Lincolnshire to stick two fingers up at the Football League by hosting a concurrent game of their own. David McDonald scoring the winner for Donny. You can read more on this fixture on page 39 of this issue.
The joy was continued just over a day later as in the early hours of a Beijing morning the third round draw paired Rovers with a trip to Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium. Cue the clamour for tickets for another big day out.
6
THURSDAY 31 AUGUST
TUESDAY 12 SEPTEMBER ROCHDALE 2-1 ROVERS
More bad news for Rovers with Danny Andrew set to be out for the season after damaging ankle ligaments in the defeat at Wimbledon. However, Ferguson has moved impressively quickly to fill the gap, signing the apprently not made-up Harry Toffolo from Norwich on loan until January. In less surprising deadline day news, Jordan Houghton returns to the club for a second loan spell; like Toffolo, he’s here until the new year.
There’s something inherently and gloriously Rovers about managing to go 180 minutes without conceding a goal and yet still lose both matches. This was another dull away outing, with the only notable moment of first half action being the most dubious of penalty awards to the home side; the spot-kick satisfyingly saved by Ian Lawlor. But then as the game entered the final quarter of an hour it looked like Rovers had done enough to nick it; Marquis prodding home a corner earned by a Coppinger nutmeg. Oh no they hadn’t. Rochdale hit a well-struck equaliser as the game went into injury time and then, right at the death, stole all three points for themselves, bundling in a far-post corner.
SATURDAY 2 SEPTEMBER ROVERS 0-0 PETERBOROUGH UTD Another home draw, so we’ll offer only the most abbreviated of highlights; Jordan Houghton made his comeback appearance and Joe Wright continued to impress at centre-half and… that was about it.
SATURDAY 9 SEPTEMBER NORTHAMPTON TOWN 1-0 ROVERS
SUNDAY 17 SEPTEMBER ROVERS 0-1 SCUNTHORPE UTD
Twenty-one seconds. Twenty-one bastard seconds. That’s all it took for Matt Crooks to slam in Northampton’s goal and chuck Rovers game plan out the window as if it were a dead wasp on a newspaper. Romeo done.
Ferguson said that this (desperately in need of a better name) M180 derby would ‘take care of itself.’ In many ways, he was right; Scunthorpe scored once and that was enough for three points – as it is for most teams at the moment.
For the second-half Ferguson sent on Coppinger and Rovers looked better for it, but their luck was out; Matt Ingram in the Town goal pulling off a string of decent saves. ‘James Coppinger was the only player we had today,’ said Ferguson, as if that was somehow a bad thing. Whilst he went on to praise the improved second half performance, it’ll be the facts not the performances that ratchett up the pressure; that’s now three games without a goal and just one league win since early April.
If Ferguson meant a performance was guaranteed then that was lost on the players until half-time when he gave them a right good rollicking. The start of the second period saw a blissful fifteen minutes of Rovers football - Marquis thumped the post, Andy Williams blazed high, Blair curled over and Rowe hit a fizzing effort. Impressive, but ultimately fruitless. 7
WEDNESDAY 20 SEPTEMBER ARSENAL 1-0 ROVERS
SATURDAY 23 SEPTEMBER PLYMOUTH ARGYLE 0-3 ROVERS Goals! We scored goals! Three of the bloody things! Butler started it; throwing his massive Doncastrian head into a melee few would’ve stuck a foot in, to nod home after May’s shot was turned onto the bar by Luke McCormick. ‘Super Luke’ is how Argyle’s twitter account described McCormick when announcing Rovers second, though there seemed little evidence to back that up. Wright’s header was dropped by the keeper, who was then hit in the face by May’s follow-up effort, before Marquis prodded the loose ball home. Super indeed. The scoring was wrapped up by May, turning in Kongolo’s cross. A good end to a rejuvenating week; has a corner been turned, or have we splurged all our goals in one load?
Ten minutes in I feared a hiding. Lawlor had already been called upon to make two smart saves, and a bloke behind me had just decreed two consecutive Rovers touches in Arsenal’s half of the field worthy of a song and dance. This may’ve not been Arsene Wenger’s first choice XI, but it still boasted a wealth of experience (and an experience of wealth) far beyond Doncastrian reaches; a fact certified midway through the first half when Alexis Sanchez chipped in for Theo Walcott to put the hosts ahead. It’d been fun whilst it lasted, we thought. But it turned out to be only just beginning. The longer proceedings went on, the more Rovers grew into both game and their 4-5-1 formation. Kongolo and Coppinger began to get the ball down and support the tireless May; Blair found the space to get forward, the back-four looked assured.
TUESDAY 26 SEPTEMBER ROVERS 1-2 SHREWSBURY TOWN Looks like the latter. Still, for 90 minutes at least, there was a more confident feel about the Keepmoat, one which carried into Rovers’ free-flowing attacking play; Rowe had already missed from one neat move, before he ended another with the opening goal. However, this woke up the league leaders and within a minute they were level through Joe Riley.
After the interval Rovers matched their hosts. Of course Arsenal continued to have chances – they always would – but now they were in a game. Andy Butler headed over from a corner; May, Marquis and Whiteman all had openings on the break; Liam Mandeville had a shot deflected wide.
The second half swung from end to end with each side having chances to wrap it up, but none were taken until deep in injury-time when Arthur Gnahoua found enough space on the edge of the area to fire past late substitute Marko Marosi. Not the worst performance, but the manner of defeat left a bitter taste among those spilling into the Doncastrian night.
One last late chance; a deep corner, Blair’s header looked like it could, like it might, but it’s trajectory instead found David Ospina’s finger-tips and the crossbar; and 10,000 hands went to 5,000 heads. Defeat perhaps, but one masked in pride – a heart-bursting home-town pride. 8
SATURDAY 30 SEPTEMBER BRADFORD CITY 2-0 ROVERS No repeat of the season’s earlier Valley Parade cup heroics for Rovers, who came into the game desperately needing to break their losing habit, but ultimately came up short in ways that felt all too familiar. Undone by two headers that were exactly as you’ve probably already pictured them.
BRIAN USHER
Tending the grass verge outside his bungalow, taking great pride in his work @matchstickowen
SATURDAY 7 OCTOBER ROVERS 4-1 SOUTHEND UNITED The Doncastrian forum-fan-moodo-meter finally swung back from apoplectic to contented after Rovers swept aside Southend at the Keepmoat. Marquis’ close-range bundle cancelled out Anthony Wordsworth’s header to keep it level at the break – though given Wordsworth should’ve been dismissed earlier for a clear kick at Houghton, it still looked set to be one of those days. But, within 12 minutes of the restart; Rovers were three goals to the good thanks to a rapid-fire Whiteman hat-trick; a neat side-foot and a well-taken penalty bookending a twenty-yard Exocet.
ROB JONES
Looking very tanned outside WHSmiths in Harrogate. I said hello; he didn’t header anything @HowardBonnett
ALFIE MAY
Entering his new Doncaster flat with what looked suspiciously like a crate of lager @DrMuttley
GARY JONES
Trying to gain access to Sandbeck House in the Town Flats, should’ve tried the ‘trades’ button @Louis_Bailey_
SATURDAY 14 OCTOBER CHARLTON ATHLETIC 1-0 ROVERS
RUSS WILCOX
Seven minutes in. It’s rare you can pinpoint the exact moment your hopes and dreams fade, but that was the point at which James Coppinger limped from The Valley pitch, and you just sensed it was all going to be uphill from there. A point duly confirmed as Charlton took the lead with a soft goal just moments later. Rovers, to their credit, gradually forced their way into the tie, but – bar a curling Alfie May effort that clipped the crossbar – never really troubled Athletic’s advantage.
On his way to the Emirates Stadium for Rovers’ League Cup game @matchstickowen
BARRY MILLER
On the away terrace at Wimbledon, getting increasingly embarrassed by the drunken flattery of the pissed-up over-30s segment of our support @glenglenglen
9
Seen a current or ex Rovers player out and about? Tweet the details to @vivarovers and it could feature in issue 91 of the ‘zine.
FASH FORWARD THERE’S A NEW DOCUMENTARY ABOUT JUSTIN FASHANU OUT; JAMES McMAHON GIVES HIS THOUGHTS ON IT I saw Justin Fashanu play when I was 12. I don’t remember much about the game. Rovers versus Torquay United. One of those dour Belle Vue knockabouts I feel like I saw every other Saturday during my childhood. But the reason it sticks in my mind, is because it featured what remains the most cocksure outburst of both racism and homophobia I’ve witnessed during my twenty-eight years going to watch football matches.
It’s out now, and is a fine overview of Justin’s messy existence. In truth, I’d recommend Nick Baker’s excellent 2013 book Forbidden Forward as your first port of call in trying to unravel Justin’s life, but as a companion piece, the documentary deserves your attention. I’ve written a lot about Justin. I once wrote about him for When Saturday Comes. I recently wrote about him for Vice. It’s a subject I can’t leave alone. That early 1990s Saturday afternoon has stayed with me well into adulthood, but it’s also a story that contains a kind of sadness that marinates over time. We’re all still waiting for a player to come out. The longer it takes, the sadder Justin’s story seems. But what are we really doing to help that happen? I admire the work I see from Kick It Out, football’s equality and inclusion organization, but I sometimes think they’re fighting in the wrong part of the battlefield.
She was very old, with skin like settee leather, sporting one tooth, which, along with her weathered face, kind of made her look like Evil Edna from the eighties BBC cartoon Willo The Wisp. Spittle collected at the edges of her mouth as she screamed in the direction of her team’s center-forward. Pure apoplectic rage, but worse; pure unashamed rage. Nobody did anything. Nobody said anything. The past really was a foreign land. Or was it?
We might no longer kick and punch each other in the grounds. You might not openly hear the sort of openly racist filth I heard twenty-five odd years ago (although I’ve heard homophobia as bad as what I heard then just last week, and I’ve heard the former queuing for the toilet). But football grounds are as toxic as they’ve ever been.
I remember feeling profoundly sorry for the target of her bile that Saturday, which is a feeling I found myself revisiting when I watched Forbidden Games: The Justin Fashanu Story, a new documentary about the epic tragedy that was the life of Britain’s first, and to date, only openly gay professional footballer. 10
Having attended Plymouth away last season, seeing a man whose drink driving resulted in the death of two children being used as a point scoring pawn between our fans condemning him, and their fans defending him, I’m in no doubt that the moral compass of football crowds is broken. As one PAFC twitter user said in the wake of that fixture. ‘He might be a killer, but he’s our killer.’
But as long as society is as brittle, mean and unacceptable of difference as it is, I can’t see anything changing. What it feels like has been lost from the conversation is, it’s not that hard to stop people from saying nasty things. But it seems extraordinarily hard to stop people being nasty. The idea that homophobia in football has been banished and not just silenced, is more naïve than the dribble I’m about to say.
Football grounds are toxic because our culture is toxic. It’s impossible to separate political climate from Justin’s story, and seeing the contorted, hate-fuelled faces of Enoch Powell, Thatcher and National Front members smear the screen, it was hard not to think of Farage, Trump and Britain First today. There’s a propaganda industry in this country that’s long groomed its citizens to think of difference as weakness, even if we’re told not to express it – until twitter broke that boundary. I was on pretty dodgy ground making the Luke McCormick allegory prior, so thanks for sticking with me; he committed a crime, gay people have not. But the point I’m making is, if the goalkeeper’s heinous actions can be co-opted as banter, what chance does a player’s sexuality stand?
Because as I wrap this up, I feel like my point has veered far beyond Justin, to the sort of broad, wet, empathetic nonsense I’m regularly told I’m too idealistic for. But I think Justin remains relevant to the point, for the following reason. The thing that struck me about Forbidden Games wasn’t so much the abuse Justin took for coming out – as deeply vile as it was – but the countless forks in the roads that peppered his journey where nobody stepped in to help a life only going one way. The credits rolled as I thought, ‘a lack of compassion killed Justin Fashanu, not coming out’. I don’t hear racist and homophobic abuse at football like I heard as a twelve-year old, but I hear abuse. Until football crowds have an awakening, an understanding that we’re all human, we’re all bits of skin and gristle, with squishy stuff on the inside – we all hurt - I can’t see a football player coming out again. After all, we’re all these years on, and the way Justin’s life ended remains the worst advertisement for it.
I can’t see anything at football that would make a player feel like coming out would be easy. As a heterosexual dude, I’m not qualified to say whether coming out would be advantageous, except personally I’d find hiding such a core facet of my being horrendous.
11
HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVE GLEN WILSON AND HOWARD BONNETT HAVE EACH SAMPLED PREMIER LEAGUE LIFE, SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO Such attentive service only makes me feel uncomfortable, clumsy and apologetic. I’m 34 years old. I can lift a plate. I can refill a cup. We’re all better than this scenario.
ARSENAL
‘Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.’ It was with that adage in mind that back in February I accepted a friend’s offer of a free box ticket for Arsenal’s home game with Hull. I’d no other plans, I’d never been to the Emirates before and what were the chances of Doncaster getting an away game there any time soon? Why not? If I’m going to routinely slate something I should at least try before I shy.
Through the patio doors; into the stadium and our own dedicated twelveseater stand. In an adjacent box, an extended Chinese family threw themselves into the pre-match buildup, posing for a succession of selfies and orchestrated social media profile pictures; gazing out at the stadium in their named and numbered Arsenal shirts. Photo after photo; pose after pose; dab after dab until the teams came out; at which point they hurried back inside to watch the game on TV.
So, I pitched up as the snow fell to be ushered into the living room warmth, and up an escalator into a world of carpets and commemorative lounges, and glasses of actual glass. It was a vibe that sat somewhere between conference and casino, with the overly attentive service of an American hotel. In the box itself, as this was a midday fixture, breakfast was being served. Hash-browns, bacon, tomatoes, mushrooms, the full shebang complete with an incredibly friendly attendant member of staff who was all too eager to stop you expending any energy. Want a drink? Let me get that for you sir? Want some food? Let me hand you a plate. Fancy a flutter on first goalscorer? One of the ladies from our official betting partner will be along shortly.
Our other neighbours had given their box the additional flourish of the bucket seats they have in top level dugouts. In them; as Arsenal bore down on the Hull goal, two men were engrossed in a discussion about whatever one of them was showing the other on an iPad.
It’s the ‘if Carlsberg did football stadia’ of football experiences and cements, I suppose, why I’ve no taste for Denmark’s chief alcohol export. 12
As you get near the stadium you’re approached with an offer to sign up for club membership and then you are steered towards the club shop and concessions. The shop has a large staff, and visitors are herded round in a pattern to get you in, get you spending and get you out as quick as possible. And the prices are similarly sharp (£85 for a training top); enough to make two Yorkshiremen weak at the knees – we made our excuses and left.
Arsenal won the match 2-0; by the time they struck their second goal in the 88th minute, little more than 20% of the stadium’s box-dwellers remained outside their butlered aquariums. The actual football losing out to corporate warmth. It’s fair to say that what Arsenal’s corporate offerings are aiming for; they hit square on the head. But it’s also clear that what they’re aiming for is not folk like me.
On our way out we got chatting to some Chelsea fans; who shone a light on a more tribal approach to fandom. They dismissed every other Premier League club and derided the Everton fans for travelling all the way down to see their side ‘get clobbered’. It was a tense atmosphere.
CHELSEA
At the back end of the summer a mate and I were in London for the Challenge Cup Final, so we arranged to do a stadium tour at Chelsea as my mate – a Chelsea follower since the late 1980s – had never been. Yes, I know. Anyway, all consumed by the previous days rugby league we’d neglected to check the football fixtures, and as we neared the stadium and the number of blue shirts went up and up, it soon dawned on us Chelsea – their fixture moved – were now at home.
The main focus of their chat was money; money in the club and the financial rewards of winning the title and in Europe. None of them had any regard for any football outside the Premier League. I explained I was a Doncaster Rovers fan but none seemed aware of which league they were in, who our manager was, or of any of our players. When I explained we had two Chelsea alumni in Jordan Houghton and Alex Kiwomya I may as well have spoken to the wall. Not playing? Not interested.
We went along anyway hoping they’d let us in and allow us to offer Antonio Conte some well thought out tactical tips. Strangely they turned us down; offering instead an apology and a free photograph each with the Premier League Trophy.
On the way home I listened to Radio Five as a stream of Arsenal fans berated their team for that day’s 4-0 defeat to Liverpool. Their main gripe? That the ‘product’ they were seeing was not good enough. The product!? I’ll be putting the photograph of me and the Premier League trophy in the bog – I think that says it all.
Stamford Bridge, like Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium which we all had cause to visit last month, is an impressive venue, but one which for me, comes with a sting in the tail. When I go to the Rovers I do so to see my team. At Chelsea I found everything at the club, to be about money. 13
REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME IN THE LATEST INSTALMENT OF YOUR FIRST MATCH MEMORIES, BILL ROLLITT TAKES US BACK TO 1956 I’ve followed the team ever since that day, though I did stay away in the Ken Richardson days. However, I got the buzz back when John Ryan stepped in, for which we should remain thankful. Still, I think the club is in good hands at present and I’m hopeful we can get back to that same level at which my first memories come from – the second tier – before I fall off my perch.
When I was just eight years old, my uncle began taking me and my younger brother to watch the Rovers. The earliest game we attended that I can remember was on Good Friday, 1956. Rovers were playing Liverpool in the old Division Two and won 1-0, with Alick Jeffrey the scorer if I recall rightly. However, it wasn’t the goal that stuck in my mind, but an incident that took place down the other end. Harry Gregg was in goal for Rovers at the Rossington End, where the Liverpool fans were standing, when something was thrown from that terrace onto the pitch; I’m fairly certain it was a knife! Just three days later Rovers faced Liverpool again in the return game at Anfield on Easter Monday and won again; defeating the Reds 2-1.
Do you remember your first Doncaster Rovers match? Fancy sharing it with our readers? If so, please get in touch with us via email or Twitter. You can find our contact details on page two.
14
2pm - Baywatch Another episode following the exploits of the Charlton Life Guards as they patrol pitch-side at The Valley.
7pm - Gogglebox Watch Doncaster Rovers supporters settle down for a night of Strictly Come Dancing, and Made In Chelsea when ifollow fails to connect to the game.
3pm - Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Answering questions from the hottest of hot-seats is Michael McIndoe.
7.30pm - Groundhog Day Starring Darren Ferguson as a man who has déjà vu with his post match interview comments.
4pm - Coach Trip Reality game show with Paul Mayfield. Musical chairs on the coach creates a stir, and two guests get caught with a bottle of 0.05% proof Shandy. Paul evicts six suppporters who refuse to take part in ‘Bus-aoke’ and ‘Bus Bingo’ is thrown into chaos when a line is called in 6 numbers and Brian has to scratch around for the £50 for a line under 10 numbers.
9pm - Man vs Food South Stand supporters take on the half-time offerings from Centerplate that even Jon Parkin refused to face.
4.30pm - Pointless A six-page thread on the Viking Chat forum debating parking in Car Park 1.
9.30pm - Undercover Boss Gavin Baldwin goes undercover as Gnorman the Gnome at contractors Centerplate. He finds poor value for money, poor service, depleted stock, short pulled pints and poor matchday experience. So he awards each staff member £10,000 for providing consistency.
5.30pm - Can’t Pay, We’ll Take it Away Bailiffs call to collect on £2,700 for a £100 parking penalty that a Doncaster Rovers supporter refused to pay.
10.30pm - The Sky at Night Join the vigil as Martin Wood’s penalty kick is about to re-enter the atmosphere.
6pm - Nightmare Neighbours Nextdoor Fly on the wall series about ‘The Millers’ of Rotherham.
11pm - The Walking Dead Documentary about Leeds United and their supporters. 15
LAZARUS COMES FORTH LAZARUS WONDERS, DO WE REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR OUR TEAM? There’s a branch of science that’s known as ‘chaos theory’ which, to put it at its most simplistic, is the study of random events. Amongst other things, it’s used to predict the weather, which gives rise to the socalled ‘butterfly effect’ – the notion that a butterfly could flap its wings and through those miniscule, localised changes in air pressure cause a chain of events that lead to a hurricane on the other side of the world. You might even remember the movie of the same name which featured some painful over-acting by Ashton Kutcher, or perhaps I’ve just reminded you of that now. Apologies, if so, that film was terrible.
In baseball, where these kinds of rituals can take on a kind of Wicker Man-esque insanity, you’d likely be considered some kind of hipster were you to do something as innocuous as wash your underwear whilst the team is on a winning run. It’s simply taken as a given that these things not only matter, but are of a deep, underlying importance, no matter how idiotic it might seem. Much as we can scoff at the likes of John Terry for listening to the same Usher CD in the car before a game or for Paul Ince not putting his shirt on until he was out of the tunnel, it’s not as if football supporters aren’t guilty of equally bizarre foibles. In his book Fever Pitch, Nick Hornby told the tale of how he always used to take a bite from a sugar mouse just as he was crossing the road to go and see Cambridge United, simply because when he’d done so once before they won.
Nonetheless, the idea that small, seemingly inconsequential behaviours have some eventual higher purpose is one that is taken for granted in the realm of sports. Tales of superstitions involving football players vary from the sublime to the ridiculous. Lower League stalwart Malvin Kamara would apparently watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory before every match. Kolo Toure was once booked for refusing to enter the pitch after half time because William Gallas was receiving treatment, thus preventing him from being the last player to take to the field.
In the summer of 2003, I remember deciding that the pair of red-and-white trainers I’d bought and worn for that glorious day at the Britannia Stadium a couple of months earlier must be lucky. It doesn’t bear thinking about what might have happened had I not worn them that day – perhaps 10 May would merely be known as Romanian Independence Day and Sir Francis might never have been knighted. 16
Imagine my surprise, over the following months, to have my faith in those lucky trainers vindicated, time and time again! Those plucky 66-1 outsiders, Andy Warrington keeping clean sheets for fun, Leo Fortune-West writing the legends that follow him to this day – we never lost whenever I wore those trainers. If I’d made it to more games maybe we’d have shut Peter Taylor up even earlier than we eventually did.
I like to believe in a world where these things do matter. When James Coppinger crosses it exactly at the same moment as I and a couple of hundred others yell ‘Cross it!’ I’d like to think we all can claim a part of the assist in the inevitable goal that follows a player heeding our sage, supporter’s wisdom. It’s probably never even occurred to Andy Butler to ‘Get stuck in!’ at the fast-approaching centre-forward, and so it’s vital that he be reminded of such duties regularly. And I’m confident that once you’ve cracked the case and shouted ‘You’re bent, ref!’ at the man in the middle, he will no doubt be shamed into improving his performances in future and be extra wary of all his innate biases.
Of course, we’ll never know if those trainers of mine were indeed the butterfly causing those hurricanes on the pitch every week. All I know is that their unbeaten run lasted a full 19 months in the end, and I continued to wear them to every game until Paul Dickov’s special blend of magic-free football made an atheist of me again.
Imagine Alfie May, clean through on goal, trying to pick just the right moment to slot it beyond the opposing keeper. How would he know without all of us providing a stadium-wide perspective of the situation and ‘Shoooooooooot!’ instructions? And without our collective hive-mind analysing every angle of the game in real time, how will referees ever learn when they’re wrong?
But so much of being a football supporter is made up of these tiny, individual attempts to make patterns from the chaos, to hope that our personal influence on events is of supreme importance. ‘Get rid of it!’ we shout to centre-halves eighty yards away, our voices lost in the reverie of countless others doing the same thing. Anonymous twitter accounts with 21 followers type ‘#WengerOut’ in the hope that their input is the tipping-point in the whole debate. Is it really that much different to someone wearing a lucky scarf even in summer, or praying to an effigy of Rob Jones in the hope it shores up our defence?
Surely these things have to make a difference – if not, then football is essentially unpredictable chaos and we’re all just idiots shouting into the abyss on a weekend. And where’s the fun in that?
DON’T JUST READ THE FANZINE, LISTEN TO IT The fanzine’s football podcast is available for download on the last weekend of every month. Find it on iTunes, Soundcloud and Stitcher. Just search ‘podular STAND’ 17
HOWARD’S MARKS HOWARD BONNETT IS BACK ON HIS NON-LEAGUE TRAVELS; DESTINATION TADCASTER On my latest Yorkshire non-league jaunt I chose to Tadcaster Albion, a club I’m sure many of you will be familiar with after Rovers’ friendly win there in July. That 2-0 pre-season victory isn’t the only link between the two clubs; Alfie Beestin came through Tadcaster’s i2i Academy before moving to Doncaster, and Rovers third choice keeper Louis Jones is currently on loan at Albion.
That drop in form That drop led to the end of Billy Millers managerial reign at the season’s end, and the club is now jointly managed by Michael Morton and Simon Collins. The pair also manage the under 21 and under 18s teams as well. Chairman Matt Gore also plays a full role in the club and is well regarded by the fans. He has certainly invested a lot of time and effort into what is a well-kept ground; the pitch in particular was lovely.
Tadcaster were formed in 1923 as the John Smiths Football Club, so it’s perhaps no surprise they’re known as the Brewers. In their early years they played at the local cricket ground, then at the Ings Ground before moving to their current location at the back of the John Smiths brewery in 1960. The ground is surrounded by trees and with autumn already making its mark, one corner of the pitch was covered in leaves. I enjoyed seeing the players having to kick a few leaves away to make contact with the ball. Perhaps an idea for the next World Cup, instead of ticker-tape.
The town suffered greatly in December 2015 when the River Wharfe burst it banks in heavy rain and flooded large parts of Tadcaster, including Albion’s stadium which was left under a significant amount of water, meaning a great deal of work was required to make both the pitch playable and ground usable again once the water had receded. On a decidedly drier day, Albion were entertaining Kendal Town when I pitched up in September for a midtable fixture. Albion’s form to date had been patchy – particularly when playing away. In mid-week they’d been beaten at the division’s bottom club Goole, a result highlighted by the Twitter headline ‘Brewers kicked in the Goolies’. I eagerly await seeing how they fair at Ramsbottom later in the season.
Initially playing in the Yorkshire Leagues, they were one of founder members of the Northern Counties East League in 1982, where they stayed until promotion to the Northern Premier League Division One North in 2015-16. Albion started their first season at this level well, but won just one of their last 14 games; tumbling to a 19th place finish. 18
Albion’s attendances hover around the 250 mark, and are affected by the home crowds at some of their bigger neighbours. On this day, York City were facing Harrogate Town in a local derby and Leeds United were also at home so numbers were own a touch; especially with very modest away support as you might expect from the visitors’ four and a half hour round trip. Of the home supporters I spoke with, all were very positive of the club and despite the indifferent start remained optimistic of achieving a play-off place.
In the second half Kendal improved and pulled a goal back. It was nip and tuck for a while as players tired and the game opened up. However, Tadcaster sealed the win with a third goal ten minutes from the end. Off the back of that performance, and considering most clubs in the division have similar resources (South Shields’ average gates of 1,500 and up, aside) I see no reason why Albion cannot make that play-off push the fans expect.
The playing squad has a strong community connection, and is well supported by the chairman, featuring Josh Greening (brother of ex Manchester United player Jonathan) and a number of other experienced non-league players. One-time Rovers loanee Michael Ingham, who also picked up three caps for Northern Ireland , usually plays in goal but is currently injured – hence the recruitment of Jones who had a decent game and was unlucky with the one goal he conceded.
Something I particularly loved was the complete lack of stoppages in the game. Players who were injured simply got up and hobbled and ran off their knocks. Aside from substitutions there were no delays; no tactical stops for a drink or minutes eaten up plotting a free kick. Can any of you remember the last game you saw at the Keepmoat when that happened? As for the cost? I paid £7 on the gate and all concessions are £4, with kids under seven allowed in for free. The programme was a decent read at £2. A pint in the bar (Fosters not one from over the fence) cost me £3. And at £4.50, the pie, chips and gravy went down very well, aided by their notable gravy generosity. Smashing pie it was; certainly in my top 10 of football ground pies for those keeping a tally – a pie chart even.
The match itself was a good one, and impressed me in terms of both its pace and standard. Albion went two goals up before half-time thanks to a couple of impressive efforts from Conor Sellers (son of Scott) and Tom Corner. Mind, throughout the half I found myself distracted by joint manager Michael Morton’s insistence on wearing long shorts, making him look like a stunt double for Don Estelle. I’m tempted to source a pith helmet for him as he’s certainly missing out on a lucrative sideline there. If only his comanager looked like Windsor Davies, they could have belted out Whispering Grass at half time.
So, if you fancy a good day out, give them a try – and if anyone knows where I can get a cheap pith helmet then contact the fanzine, seems a shame for them to miss the opportunity. 19
FOLLOWS THE ROVERS HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TOFFOLO? THE TOFFOLO? MIKE FOLLOWS HAS Darren Ferguson needed a left-footed Rover. Alex saw Darren and called Darren over. ‘Why so glum, young Darren, my lad? Stop here and talk to your purple-nosed dad’. ‘It’s terribly kind of you, father but no – I’m going to sign Harry Toffolo.’
‘Toffolo? Who’s Harry Toffolo?’ ‘Toffolo! Why, didn’t you know?
‘A bit of a twat? You can have Goodbye Darren,’ and away G
‘Silly old Grant! Doesn’t he kn There’s no such player as Tof
On went Darren across the fe He arrived in Norwich but su ‘Oh!’
He plays for Norwich, His shirt is yellow, And he’s a very handsome fellow.’
‘Why are you signing him?’ ‘He moves play at pace from the back to the front, But he hates Man United and he says you’re a c…’ ‘There’s no need to finish that word,’ Alex said ‘Goodbye Darren,’ and away he sped. ‘Silly old dad! Doesn’t he know, There’s no such player as Toffolo?’ On went Darren, down the A1. The Grant McCann saw him and shouted ‘Hold on! When you managed Peterborough you did just fine But you’re not coming back, the job’s now mine.” ‘I’m just passing through, Grant. I’ve further to go. I’m going to sign Harry Toffolo.’
‘Toffolo? Who’s Harry Toffolo?’ ‘Toffolo! Why, didn’t you know? His hair is brown and he’s quick on his legs, And he’s not scared to shoot with his strong left peg.’
‘I might sign him myself ’ ‘There’s no time for that, Besides which he thinks you’re a bit of a twat.’ 20
Who is this Norwich player in He’s a very handsome young His hair is brown and he’s qu He’s shooting in training with
‘Harry!’ shouted Darren. ‘Come on, let’s go. I’m signing ‘You think that I’ll sign for Do I’m closer to home if I sign fo
‘The Posh?’ said Fergie, ‘The chances are slim. I’ll ring Grant McCann, you c ‘Alright,’ said Toffolo. ‘That’s what I’ll do. I bet he r
Fergie pulled out his phone a ‘The day I sign Toffolo’s a cold ‘Amazing,’ said Toffolo. ‘What an arrogant twat. I’m signing for Donny and th
‘Well Harry,’ said Darren, ‘You’ll soon be in clover, You’ve made a wise choice, so
THE FAN PANEL
e him then, man! Grant ran.
now, ffolo?’
en. uddenly then…
n a shirt of yellow? fellow. uick on his legs, h his strong left peg.
g you on loan, young Toffolo’ onny? Oh gosh. or the Posh.’
can talk to him.’
rates me as highly as you.’
and gave Grant a bell d day in hell.’
at is that.’
AHEAD OF THE AWAY MATCH AT CHARLTON, FIVE ROVERS SUPPORTERS - JENNY AUDSLEY, ROB JOHNSON, STEVE MATTHEWS, SHANE MAUGHAN AND ADAM STUBBINGS - GAVE THEIR VIEWS ON THE SEASON SO FAR Should Darren Ferguson stay, or go? Rob: Perhaps the most damning indictment of Ferguson is that I honestly don’t care either way. I don’t think he is the man to lead the club forward however so, if pushed, I’d say go. Adam: Stay. I retain faith in him to achieve our aims for this season despite some shortcomings. We’ve a good squad that he’s built and he should be given the time to establish us back in League One. Jenny: Stay for me, I don’t feel like there is anyone obvious who could come in and do a better job. He deserves some more time, we don’t want to be known as a knee-jerk sacking club. Shane: Personally, I think it’s time for Ferguson to move on. I’ve thought it for a while, last season flattered to deceive and the way it ended was the final straw for me. Steve: Stay. I might not be his biggest fan, but I’m also strongly against managers getting the chop unnecessarily. I know it’s an obvious excuse but he’s had little luck this season, particularly with injuries. Besides, who would replace him?
on and now you’re a Rover.’ 21
THE FAN PANEL
And, where do you think they’re going wrong?
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 21
Rob: Up front. Despite being the third highest scorer in English football in 2017, John Marquis has been poor so far. Alfie May is carrying the forward line at the moment. Andy Williams needs replacing in January or we will struggle for goals all season.
Where do you think things are going right for Rovers at the moment? Rob: Depressingly, I stared blankly at this question for five minutes before coming up with an answer. I think, on paper, we are defensively one of the strongest sides in the division. If we had Mathieu Baudry, Ian Lawlor and Danny Andrew fit that would undoubtedly be our strongest area.
Adam: Injuries haven’t helped, but we don’t have a settled XI yet. Ferguson has put square pegs in round holes too often and hasn’t stuck with a strike partnership long enough. We’ve been a bit naive in games too, especially at the back.
Adam: We’ve got some really promising young players – Joe Wright, Liam Mandeville, Lawlor - getting good experience and we just need to be patient as they find their feet at this level. We’ve got a decent foundation for the future building.
Jenny: It’s clearly not going great on the field; my main gripe is how our heads drop when we concede first. Southend game aside, when we’ve gone behind I’ve immediately lost all hope.
Jenny: I don’t feel that much has gone right on the pitch recently, but I think the club is more stable off the pitch than it has been in my lifetime.
Shane: The catering. Centreplate seem to be keen to extract every penny possible. I’d like to see something more like what the Knights have. Great big pie and chips, gravy with meat in. What’s not to love.
Shane: I think the relationship between the club and the fans is quite good, probably the best it’s been in years.
Steve: Decision making! League One is an obvious step-up, there’s so little time on the ball in comparison to last season, however, some of the decision making going forward has had me very frustrated. Oh, and how can I not mention the worrying lack of concentration immediately after we take the lead.
Steve: Andy Butler, Wright and Tommy Rowe have been excellent so far and I’m hoping the Southend game is a sign of things to come. Baudry’s return from injury is imminent too.
Left: John Marquis ‘has been poor so far’ Overleaf: The impressive Joe Wright has Alexis Sanchez running scared
22
Which player has impressed you the most so far this season?
And, which player do you think has flattered to deceive?
Rob: Joe Wright has stepped up really well and James Coppinger has had his moments, but Rowe’s return to League One has been effortless. Almost every positive thing we have created going forward has gone through him.
Rob: Before his glorious hat-trick against Southend, I would have been tempted to look at Whiteman, but I will have to say Marquis. Gone is the all-conquering swagger from last season and in its place a clumsy lack of self-belief.
Adam: Wright, hands down. He’s stepped up superbly, been consistent and assured at the back. It’s clear he’s worked on his game a lot over the summer as he’s cut out bad habits that he kept falling into last year.
Adam: Maybe an odd choice as he’s scored five goals, but Marquis. He’s not playing his best and cuts an increasingly frustrated figure up front. I think he struggles when things aren’t going his or the team’s way, which has often been the case lately.
Jenny: Wright has been solid and reliable. I feared for the defence when Baudry was ruled out but Wright has really stepped up.
Jenny: I know he bagged a hat-trick last week, but Ben Whiteman. He’s failed to make an impact in most games this season, but in fairness to him, I don’t think Ferguson has been playing to his strengths.
Shane: I’m a big fan of Butler. Leads from the front on and off the pitch. He is involved massively in the community and frankly is one of us. Steve: If I have to give just one name, I’ll go for Rowe. I was confident he’d make the step up as he has experience at this level, but he’s stood out almost every week.
Shane: Tin hat on. I think Coppinger is starting to trade off past glories. The odd performance has been good but generally he’s not the player he was; it’s just those he’s playing against aren’t as good. I hope I’m proved wrong. Steve: Dare I say Marquis? As I type, he has five goals in 12 games which isn’t terrible, but his all-round play has me baffled. He can’t trap a ball, certainly can’t pick a pass, he’s clumsy and seems bereft of confidence. This is the best striker in the Football League?
23
FOR PEAT’S SAKE JACK PEAT ON WHY ‘CHURNALISM’ WILL BE THE DEATH OF CLUB REPORTING Oscar Wilde once wrote ‘there is only one thing in life worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about.’ As Rovers fans filtered out of the Emirates Stadium after last month’s League Cup clash there’s reason to believe we’d just witnessed what Wilde was talking of first hand.
The Daily Mail and such like prefer to cover it up, using an algorithm called Lotame to boost and demote stories based on factors such as engagements and dwell time. What that has created in relation to football and said coverage of the sport is a dangerous circle in which publications are forced to push more coverage in the way of top-tier clubs and essentially ignore lower clubs in the lower leagues. In turn this only makes the upper echelons of the sport more visible to younger generations who will essentially perpetuate the cycle.
In the run up to the third-round clash local and national media was abuzz with commentary from the army of domestic and international sports journalists. Will Alexis Sánchez start? What youngsters are set to debut? Will Olivier Giroud wear matt clay or Brylcreem? And just how long is Arsène Wenger’s coat? Indeed, they did their utmost to discuss anything other than the opposition, because in their eyes Doncaster Rovers is the anathema of click bait, and that takes pride of place in today’s market.
And it’s through no fault of their own. As a youngster it’s vital that sporting heroes are visible, and if they can’t make it down to their local club on a regular basis then their attention invariably drifts to icons made visible in the media. Where local press and, dare I say, football fanzines have little appeal, they send their clicks in the way of the Mail and its attentionseeking computer code.
There was a time when a duty-bound editor would take charge of editorial output on most media outlets, but the reality is that in today’s market algorithms have taken their place online, and the consumer has never been more in control. Publications like the i100 have taken the decision to lead with this next-gen brand of output at the front, ranking stories in order of their popularity and effectively putting the reader in control. 24
As a test, I ran two competing pieces of content ahead of Rovers’ clash with Arsenal on the publication I edit, The London Economic. On the one hand I went back to 2005 to recap the thrilling last encounter between the two teams in which Arsenal turned up to Belle Vue with a similar mix of youth and experience expecting to steamroller their lowly opposition, only to be muted by Michael McIndoe and Paul Green goals which almost resulted in an upset. It’s competing piece was a number picked off the newswire about ex-Tottenham Hotspur star Ledley King taking on a burger eating challenge.
Radio is often more localised and hence more willing to cover local teams, and print media is still broadly representative in nature. But online media is an altogether different kettle of fish. The metrics that drive online publications – clicks, shares and ‘stickability’ – don’t allow for the representative freedoms cover charges do, and thus they are more inclined to restrict output in certain areas and weigh it heavily towards what they know works. Taking Arsenal as a case in point, it wasn’t just the familiar media outlets that drowned the market with Gunners fodder – GoonersNews.com, ArsenalNews. net, JustArsenal.com and Le Grove stuck with strictly Arsenal-led pieces, leaving most supporters in the dark about the team’s lowly opposition.
I’ll spare you the suspense on which one performed better, but with almost three times the number of shares and ten times the amount of traffic it was less the whirlwind night of 2005 and more the eating exploits of an ex-Spurs pro that got people reading. Thoroughly depressing, and once again down to a cruel algorithm which makes features published on NewsNow – a news aggregator service – weighed heavily in favour of big clubs.
And there’s very little we can do. With regional publications finding their budgets stripped and algorithms sticking more of the same content out to more of the same people there is little room for balanced and thorough reporting online anymore. The death of the editor leaves digital news rooms at the hands of clicks and churn, which is a depressing state of affairs.
But it raises the question, to what extent is the media to blame for the monopolisation of our football fandom?
All I’ll say, is thank God for publications such as this. Without zines that are edited by a person and contributed to by people, the likes of Doncaster Rovers would find themselves strangled for the oxygen of publicity on their home turf, never mind the bright lights of the Emirates. For as little as a quid, and with all proceeds going to local charities, surely this is a cause worth supporting?
To generate an informed answer you must look across media platforms in weighing up its influence, and TV has undoubtedly led the charge in shaping football into the game we know today. Not only do BskyB and BT line players’ pockets with obscene amounts of cash and create transfer deadline days akin to Wall Street trading pits, they also control output and restrict our exposure to many football clubs. 25
VOICE OF THE POP SIDE HOW HAVE ROVERS FAIRED HISTORICALLY WHEN MOVING UP FROM TIER FOUR, TO TIER THREE? JOHN COYLE INVESTIGATES With two wins from 11 League games at the time of writing, it’s fair to say Darren Ferguson’s Rovers haven’t enjoyed the sort of start in League One we had all hoped for. A combination of a shortage of goals and a tendency to make careless errors has cost Rovers so far, although there remains plenty of time to turn things around. I thought it might be useful to look at what happened on the five previous occasions when Rovers made the step up from what used to be known as Football League Division Four.
The appointment of player-manager Keith Kettleborough proved a disaster and chairman Hubert Bates angered supporters by selling star men Laurie Sheffield and Tony Coleman to Norwich City and Manchester City respectively. A run of 17 defeats from the last 24 games ensured a quick return to Division Four.
1969-70
Rovers were only absent from the third tier for two seasons, winning the Fourth Division Championship in 1968-69 under the stewardship of Lawrie McMenemy. With a solid defence and a goalscorer in John Regan they were among the early pacesetters following promotion and seemed to capture the imagination of the local fans. Over 17,000 turned out to see a 2-0 win over fellow promotion candidates Luton Town.
1966-67
Rovers first ever spell in the League’s fourth tier began in 1959; a year after the division had been introduced in place of the previous regionalised Third Division North and South. It wasn’t until 1965-66 that they escaped the basement, winning the title on goal average, despite having no manager after Bill Leivers’ resignation in the February. Things looked positive early on with two wins and two draws from the opening four games, but from then on 1966-67 dissolved into an approximation of The Season From Hell. On 1 September captain and centre-half John Nicholson was killed in a car crash which also left the talismanic Alick Jeffrey unable to return until December. In a sign of things to come Rovers conceded 16 goals in four games (despite one of those being a 0-0 draw); they’d concede a club record 177 by the season’s end.
But a wretched run from midDecember which saw only one win in 15 games threatened to drop Rovers into the relegation zone, however in the end four wins from the last seven games ensured an 11th place finish. Crowds, though, had fallen back to around 3,000 – another sign of things to come – and Rovers were relegated the following season and McMememy was sacked, although he was to go on to bigger and better things.
26
1981-82
Ten seasons and three managers later, Rovers were back in Division Three after Billy Bremner’s cocktail of youth and experience pulled off an unexpected third place Division Four finish in 1980-81. Unfancied Rovers soon made waves, winning eight out of their first 12 League games and challenging the leaders. A scintillating 4-2 win over Bristol Rovers on the last day of October represented something of a high water mark, as Rovers went on to lose their next four and only gather five more wins in the rest of the season. They were badly hampered by injuries to strikers Ian Nimmo and Alan Warboys that led both to retirement from full time football. Rovers did not secure Division Three safety until the penultimate game, a 0-0 draw at Walsall. They finished 19th and were relegated the following season. However, crucially the Board kept faith with Bremner.
However, the highlight of the season came in the FA Cup where they knocked out top flight Queen’s Park Rangers before bowing out to eventual League champions Everton at Goodison Park. Despite the loss of Bremner the following season when he moved on to manage his old club Leeds United, Rovers managed to survive four seasons before slipping back into the bottom tier in 1988.
2004-05
Twenty years, much heartache and then some days of joy and Rovers were back in the newly rebranded League One. Dave Penney had led the club to successive promotions, the second of these bringing their first divisional title since 1969. Most of the players who had taken them up remained and their new signings included a young winger from Exeter City called James Coppinger (wonder what happened to him?) Rovers played some exciting football and although there were setbacks - a 5-0 reverse at Sean O’Driscoll’s Bournemouth and a 4-0 home defeat to Sheffield Wednesday - a late run took them to the fringes of the playoffs. In the end a tenth place finish and 66 points represented a satisfactory season and provided the springboard for further promotion three years later..
1984-85
Rovers’ ‘exile’ in Division Four lasted only one season and they came back up as runners-up to York City. Bremner had made some key signings towards the end of the promotion season, including Jim Dobbin, John Philiben and Alan Brown, adding John Buckley and Aiden Butterworth. Rovers claimed five wins from the opening seven League games including a stunning 4-1 win at Reading which featured a Brown hat-trick. Sadly Brown then suffered a serious knee injury which would ultimately end his career. The team lacked a bit of consistency but more than held their own at the higher level, going on to record 17 League wins and ultimately finish 14th.
So, in conclusion the season after promotion can be a disaster, a big step towards future success, or something in between. Let us hope that 2017-18 goes on to resemble 2004-05 rather than the awfulness of 1966-67. 27
REASONS TO LOVE FOOTBALL BECAUSE IT’S NOT ALL SKY TV AND TRANSFER HYPE NO.1 GETTING A TOUCH OF THE MATCHBALL The match-ball. As anyone who has ever played the game will know; the sacredness and beatitude of the matchball is unrivalled. Thou shall not lose it, thou shall not bounce it on concrete, thou shall not warm up with it. It is the matchball, the ball for matches, its name and designation one and the same. Let’s face it, if God had wanted all of us to go around touching the matchball, She wouldn’t have invented advertising hoardings or overzealous stewards. Yet, despite such precautions, occasionally opposing worlds collide and the matchball is propelled into the domain of us mere mortals. To touch it a special honour; a lifetime anecdote precious few get to regale. However, the act of touching the matchball is not as binary, as black and white as you may believe. No, there is a scale; a four-tier hierarchy of layman to ball acquaintance. Allow me to expand. Top of the shop, undisputed champion, the header back onto the field; savour this moment should you achieve it – your life will never get better. Second tier; clean catch and confident throw to a waiting player or wildly ambitious volley of any kind, in any direction. Third tier; the ungraceful, fearful, grasping palm to try and halt the uninvited leathery sphere now heading in your direction.
And finally, down in the basement, the stunning thwack of leather on skin as the match-ball arrives all too suddenly at your unexpectant face. From this fourth tier there is no recovery, and should it happen when you’re holding a hot beverage or pie, then you will have no option but to move towns. Ultimately, I guess touching the match-ball is a lot like rodeo. Yes you need a lot of luck, a fair bit of confidence, but crucially, if you really want to avoid looking stupid, you need to remember to face the right way. I’m not one to brag, but I once received a round of applause and a lukewarm chant of ‘sign him up’ from the regulars at Worcester City for getting a strong enough hand on the match-ball to stop it flying over the St George’s Lane terrace and into the Barbourne Brook behind. That was seven years ago. I shan’t let go. 28
THE STRIKERS’ GRAVEYARD TOM BILTCLIFFE REMEMBERS ROVERS’ FAILING FORWARDS, BEGINNING WITH CARL ALFORD Alford’s season got off to an inauspicious start, as did Rovers’ in fairness. Thanks to the goals of Jamie Paterson and Neil Campbell though, Wignall’s side picked up but Alford’s didn’t. And something was clearly wrong given he was outshone regularly by Campbell
As a youngster, odd myths about Rovers would crop up. One included an owl (of the feathered variety) which no-one ever truly got to the bottom of. Another was our apparent inability to score from corners but, thanks to the heads of Dave Morley, Graeme Lee and James Hayter, that particular hoodoo was banished in emphatic fashion.
Mercifully, at the thirteenth time of asking, Alford reportedly broke his duck in a 3-0 win at Hayes in front of 750 fans - the second lowest attendance Rovers would play in front of all campaign. Online sources say it was a penalty. However, Tony Bluff and Barry Watson’s ‘bible’ on Doncaster Rovers agonisingly states that Jamie Paterson took the spotkick. Interestingly Bluff & Watson also record that Alford made 23 appearances in all competitions, scoring ZERO goals.
Rovers though couldn’t shake the belief they were a ‘no-go zone’ for goalscorers who’d hit rich seams elsewhere. By the time 28-year-old Carl Alford rocked up at Belle Vue in early 2000, Doncaster had waited almost 25 years for a striker to net 20 goals in a season. Of greater urgency was Rovers’ want for a return to the Football League. So Chairman John Ryan unashamedly waved his cheque book to the tune of a club record £50,000 to buy the nonleague striker. The solitary Conference promotion spot would surely be ours.
So, if you were at the now demolished Church Road please let us know who took the penalty. With Paterson scoring five spot-kicks that season, I anticipate it was he who stepped up and not the man who moved from strike (or should that be spent?) force to police force.
Though Alford was not the biggest nor the quickest, Doncaster thought they’d bought guaranteed goals; 42 in 39 games for Stevenage the previous season was all the proof Rovers and boss Steve Wignall surely needed. Regrettably, Alford must have sent his twin to lead the line, while he sunned himself abroad for a tortuous twelve months. Talk about barn doors and banjos, absolutely nothing went right for the former Rushden & Diamonds hitman, who’d once been the most expensive signing in non-league.
Incidentally he has a website (carlalford.co.uk) with some of his best goals. There are some crackers in there, just not in a Rovers shirt.
Graveyard rating? Truth or Myth? 29
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
MARSHALL MATTERS ROB MARSHALL SETS OUT ONE OF THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL ARGUMENTS EVER FEATURED ON OUR PAGES Over the past few years the world of ‘vintage’ and ‘retro’ - or in the words of my wife ‘scruffy and old’ - Rovers shirts is one in which I have become increasingly immersed. The hours I have spent wading online through eBay number far too many for me to justify, let alone the time spent ‘sorting out’ the ones I do own. A process which involves looking through them all enjoying each garment as if it were a masterpiece adorning the walls of the National Gallery, ultimately wasting a few more hours
In terms of innovative things to do with hoops we hit the jackpot in 1992 with the infamous ‘jagged hoop’ period and in truth, expecting anyone to come up with something comparable to that ‘Matchwinner’ manufactured masterpiece is totally unrealistic and just plain mean. Do we actually play in red and white hoops? I mean, I know we do now but is that what we are, is that our identity? In the same way Celtic wear green and white hoops or Bristol Rovers wear quarters? I’m not sure I’m happy with it to be honest.
I’m currently on a crusade for the ‘St George’s Car Centre’ sponsored shirt from the mid to late 1980s, as this was the first shirt I ever had. Sadly though, mine has long since been lost, and whilst the search for a replacement has been thus far fruitless, the longing for that smooth red shirt, pristine v neck collar and white trim has led me to one unmistakeable truth. I’m sick of hoops. Really sick of them.
‘Donny Rovers?’ (that winds me up as well but I’ll treat you to that another time) ‘They play in red and white hoops’ has become a statement of fact which a whole generation is now totally comfortable with, and for them it is intrinsically true. Only, it’s not. The key thing is that we play in red and white, beyond that it’s just a John Ryan inspired coincidence that those colours have been arranged in horizontal stripes for the last 17 years, and I’m sick of them. With every year comes a new, uninspiring design, each forced to stick to a tightly restrictive brief.
The thing is, they are at a basic level really, really boring. Let’s be honest, thick hoops, thin hoops, weird navy blue pinstripe hoops, there’s only so much you can do with hoops until you end up resorting to crazy nonsense like shifting the hoops around so at a glance it looks like the home team is parading in training bras, whilst also apparently printing really small words on the hoops in the hope that the wearer will care enough to be distracted from the whole bra fiasco.
No, history says loudly that we play in red and white and the rest is just open to interpretation. In about 135 years of playing football Doncaster Rovers have used hoops in about 40 of them. If you take out the bizarre early blue shirted days this leaves about 90 years where we were hoop-less, playing in either a predominately red shirt or a predominantly white one.
30
I propose we ditch the hoops now, it shouldn’t hold any fear because we’ve done it before. We were hoops for about 20 years from 1930 and ditched them without any problems. We wore some great shirts from there on in; red with a white chevron, white with red collar and cuffs, red with white Umbro trim down the sleeves. It wasn’t until the 1980s the hoops returned and then it was only for a couple of years. They returned for a couple more years in the early 1990s and like the brief sojourn ten years earlier they provided great shirts. A fleeting doff of the cap to the hoops for just a couple of years. When it comes to hoops less is more. Still need some convincing? Well, in 2001 when John Ryan brought the hoops back it was to recapture the glory days of the 1940s when all were swept aside by the legendary team of 1947. Well, in truth that period was a bit up and down really. That recordbreaking team were relegated the next year and things weren’t exactly plain sailing. They binned the hoops in 1950 and, wearing a crisp white shirt with red trim, ushered in the Peter Doherty era. A teenager called Alick Jeffrey, along with Harry Gregg, Charlie Williams and co. saw the club enjoy its most successful era, and all without a hoop in sight. The same logic and search for past glories that saw us re adopt the hoops should see us ditch them now. Who knows, history may repeat itself and we could enjoy another post hooped spell in the second flight? It’s worth a go, at the very least we might end up with the odd decent replica shirt along the way. Doncaster Rovers don’t play in hoops, we just play in red and white. 31
FROM BENEATH THE STATUE EDITOR GLEN WILSON HAS SPENT THE LAST MONTH GETTING HIS KICKS FROM OTHER PEOPLE’S IRE When Tim Berners-Lee invented the worldwide web his intention was to establish a universal space in which information was available and accessible to people regardless of their location. A noble proposal, but one which, twenty-five years on, has given rise to millions of people across the globe labouring under the misapprehension that other people give any sort of shit about their thoughts.
But never underestimate the want of know-alls to give their opinion on absolutely everything. Which is why, among the many thousands of ‘reviews’ on everything from airports to zoos, you can also find traveller feedback on football grounds. Yep, people are actually reviewing lower-league football grounds as if any of us have ever visited one through any sort of reasoned choice. But review them they have; and it is hard to feel anything but glee at their disappointment, that somehow these relics of football past don’t have consumer comfort at heart. Come with me as we revel in their torment; first stop Luton Town’s Kenilworth Road.
Before the web’s invention you may’ve found yourself innocently wondering, ‘am I doing this right?’ Now should you entertain that thought, you’ll find scores of people, just a click away, ready and waiting to tell you unequivocally ‘no, you’re not, and you’re a prick for ever thinking you were’.
‘Luton is not a nice place to visit, I would describe it as lucifers toilet. The ground itself has oddly been built in the centre of a housing district, the logic behind that? I just don’t know’ RichardGecko, December 2016
If you’ve ever had the misfortune to stray onto the forums of travel review site Tripadvisor, you’ll know what I mean. It’s home to smug worldly types queueing up to tell you that you’re holidaying all wrong. ‘Sure, you could get a taxi, if you want to be a tourist, but to truly experience the real majesty of Havana you really should negotiate with a local salsa teacher to lend you their bicycle’. That kind of thing.
Baffling isn’t it Richard. Why would they’ve ever chosen to put it where people live? You might be thinking, Richard is probably just hard to please. Not so, I’ve checked his review history. He once gave five stars to a Prezzo, reasoning their ‘food was to die for’. This isn’t a man with high standards.
Of course, Tripadvisor has a use. It’s nice to enter a restaurant knowing you’re more likely to be served gastronomy than gastroenteritis, and it’s easier to relax in a hotel if you know the only robbery you’re likely to face is an extra €7 for breakfast.
‘the food was very limited both in choice and quality.’ SidCowans, August 2016 32
No shit Sid! It’s reheatable cheap fodder being served out of a hatch at Kenilworth Road; it’s hardly going to be Heston Blumenthal’s Fat Duck is it? What exactly were you expecting?
London clubs are good value for this more literary ‘readers’ correspondence’ style of ‘neg’. Check out Charlton…
‘I recently wrote an email after I saw us ship four goals to demand my displeasure. It has been a couple of weeks and have not heard back anything from. During this period I have been to seven restaurants, a Mexican in Greenwich, and was displeased with the food and they took 50% off the bill. I also had a run in with Tesco’s and their CEO Dave Lewis responded in quicker time.’ LeoPeps, January 2016
Enough Luton, let’s take a look at someone more local. How about Glanford Park; number eight of 22 things to do in Scunthorpe. Though I fully suspect number nine on that list is ‘get a train somewhere else’.
T’his is the worst football ground I have ever visited, it’s dirty & the toilets are a state. I wouldn’t eat anything here at all!’ Dave T, October 2016
‘I have never seen such a high percentage of spectators with canes’ Bearsm53, June 2016
Nice bit of Partridge-esque selfpromotion from Leo there - namedropping the Tesco CEO, seven restaurant meals in two weeks someone’s doing OK for himself… or… as I suspect is more accurate, dining alone. Mind, I sincerely hope they gave his letter the respect it deserves, by which I mean they’ve chucked it in the Thames.
I guess that explains it. Incidentally it turns out these football ground reviews aren’t exclusive to the lower leagues, though it tends to be a different kind of whining, going on at say, Arsenal.
OK, one more to finish, and a return to the unfathomable incredulity that a shit football ground has turned out to be shit; this time, Brentford.
Leaving aside Dave T’s admirable determination not to take his lunch in the Glanford Park bogs, that’s quite an accolade. What kind of people would come back to such a week after week?
‘This ground is horrible its smells bad its broken. The ladies loos are terrible. Don’t know about the mens my husband life long fan and refuses to speak on the subject.’ Jemjax, January 2016
‘Back to the Emirates for the new season and fancied a glass of wine (well I say glass, small plastic cup actually). Shocked to see that the price for a VERY small glass of very average white wine was now £5.90! You can buy a bottle for that. I’d suggest drinking before you get there (in moderation of course!)’ Watson H, August 2016 Of course Watson, one would hate to be seen to be encouraging football fans to partake in more than a solitary alcoholic libation before a match commences.
It’s easy to scoff, but perhaps we may never truly know the extent of the horrors that Jemjax’ husband’s eyes have witnessed in those Griffin Park urinals. Even if we did, would we ever truly understand? You weren’t there man, you weren’t there.
33
THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE JAMES McMAHON JUST WANTS SOMETHING HE CAN EAT AT THE FOOTBALL. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Upon visiting Morecambe’s Globe Arena a few years back, I allowed myself to become very excited at the prospect of some kind of vegetarian pie. Surely a team that had triumphed four times in the ‘best football pie’ category at the British Pie Awards would cater to a demographic that covers 1.2 million people in the UK. Apparently not. And they’d ran out of cheese and onion slices.
There was a moment last season, a short intersection between Rovers having confirmed their promotion to League One and Forest Green Rovers triumphing over Tranmere Rovers in the Conference play offs, where I felt the briefest moment of sadness. I can tell you exactly where I felt it too, anatomically speaking. Somewhere between groin and chest, as if my stomach was making a rush for freedom, trying to escape my body with a gassy cry of, ‘please no, I cannot possibly digest another cheese and onion slice!’ There will come a time when I visit The New Lawn. And I will feast upon their famed Quorn and leak pie; the club having, since 2011, become a meat free environment. I may well order two. I might even take with me a bib. But it will not be this season, and for that I am sad.
On all my visits to Leyton Orient’s Brisbane Road, I’ve been cautiously excited to try a Pizza Pod, a product that has been described to me – with a wistful sigh, in a fashion that might be described as akin to an aging Westeros scholar recalling the days that dragons freely roamed the land – as ‘a margarita pizza inside a pasty’. Oooh, that sounds like a nice change to a cheese and onion slice, doesn’t it! I’ve never seen it sold, ever.
Being a vegetarian and a football fan is hard work. Say what you want about the massive north London library we watched Rovers bravely battle the corporate titan in, in this season’s League Cup. But the delight I felt in learning that Arsenal sold a bean burger was palpable. I expressed more joy at that than any of their lot did in the stands all night.
Oldham do a very nice cheese pie, it must be said. Although, given the frequency Rovers have drawn them in the cup over the years, added to our regular league encounters, I may have developed a sort of Stockholm Syndrome-esque relationship with it. I fear at this point I am unable to criticize said pie, just because its magma hot cheese puree, bubbling in a slightly singed pastry volcano, has been the one thing keeping me from freezing at Ice Station Zebra for as long as I remember.
It’s not only hard work, but a disappointment. I never learn. 34
I’m actually at the point where chips are exciting to me. I mean, I’m always excited about chips – and I’m getting this in before you can you fucks – as anyone who might see me waddling up a steep terrace may observe. The legendary British writer Samuel Johnson is on record as saying ‘when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life’, but I reckon he was talking about chips. Like me, he was a pretty big dude. But no football fan should ever take chips for granted. They are, in my experience, an anomaly. They are also the only thing that ever really tempt me into making a visit to Millwall’s The New Den, or at least drag me across the fear threshold.
Between me and you, I reckon charging almost twenty five quid to watch League One football might have something to do with it, but the food on offer at 99.9999% of English league grounds hardly says, ‘Hey you football loving Hindus and Muslims! Come watch a game of football…’ I’ve watched football around the globe, and I can report that this is a pretty UK based problem. I recently attended my first ever MLS game; LA Galaxy versus New York City, and the host team sold not one, but two kinds of bean burgers. I’ve eaten vegetarian food at Italian grounds, at Spanish grounds, in Brazil’s Maracana. Even at Hamburg in Germany, a country where not eating five sausages a day can actually see you ostracized by your family, they sold a veggie burger.
Please don’t think this is a football hipster thing. Even in Armthorpe where I grew up, it’s kind of an accepted view that eating things with faces is killing the planet. Not only that, but a YouGov poll back in 2013 reported 43% of football fans would like more ethnic and vegetarian food. People want this. And the ethnic point is really interesting. There is a – slightly racist – school of thought within London football, that the reason why football clubs who once commanded large attendances don’t any more, is because their ‘traditional’ support base has moved out of London, to be replaced with ethnic minorities.
There is though, a solitary silver lining to this tale of being vegetarian football fan based in England. At least I don’t watch the majority of my football in Scotland. In Scotland, they think a chicken is a vegetable.
BERNARD GLOVER’S
BELIEVE IT or NOT To this day former Rovers full-back Simon Marples is still yet to score a single goal; a record that extends to computer games, Subbuteo, and even kickabouts in the garden with his kids. 35
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND WHO ARE THE BEST NAMED TEAM IN THE NETHERLANDS? DUTCH UNCLE HAS THE ANSWER Hartelijk welkom in Doncaster Rodney Kolongo, en veel succes!
It was presented to me after I managed a hat-trick playing for Ajax against Sparta on 17 August 1991. Impressive huh? It is when described that way, rather than the fuller detail of it being a cricket ball awarded for a Veterans’ match in which I took three dolly catches.
See, despite four years of living in the hills of Northern Ireland (and, confusingly, teaching German) I’m yet to erase from my mind all of the Dutch I learned in 36 years living in the nation once described on a BBC travel programme as ‘a country desperately in search of a view’. That is merely geographically speaking, as the Dutch, more than most others, are very capable and forward in expressing their views on absolutely everything.
The Ajax team had reckoned – correctly as it turned out – that awarding me this would be the best way to get me to buy a lot of beers. This Ajax, I should confess, was the older Ajax club of Leiden. Apparently, when Ajax Amsterdam founded they had to request permission to use the name from the Leiden club. But the Sparta is the same Sparta Rotterdam sports club, so that surely counts for something.
As far as I can establish, Rovers have had only one Dutch player on the books before – Jos van Nieuwstadt (nicknamed ‘the Hoff ’ for his passing resemblance to Kit’s driver). Though he may have begun his career with Excelsior and FC Eindhoven, Shelton Martis was from the Dutch Antilles and had three international caps for that country before it was reorganized out of existence, a bit like a Rovers back four. Martis subsequently went on to pick up 10 further caps for Curaçao, the island of his birth.
Despite this accolade, my main recollections of the many matches I played against Sparta’s cricketing veterans are of talking at length with some of their players, who were also officials in Sparta’s football wing. Their knowledge of English third and fourth division football was astounding – players, grounds, history – including all about Belle Vue and numerous Rovers players. They explained that they saw this as a lucrative area for scouting and buying players; the level being not dissimilar to the bottom end of the Eredivisie at that time.
Here in my home in Bangor, I have a trophy cabinet; well a small and very dusty cupboard at least. In amongst the tiny trophies for squash tournaments from obscure towns such as Blaricum, Bosschenhoofd and Brunssum I have a mounted and inscribed match ball. 36
Why the Netherlands, and not Holland? The country of The Netherlands has twelve provinces, the two most populous being North Holland (containing Haarlem and Amsterdam) and South Holland (containing The Hague and Rotterdam). These two provinces together are often referred to as ‘Holland’, and this is sometimes lazily used to refer to the whole country, much to the disgust of people from more far flung places like Maastricht, Arnhem and Groningen.
As many of you may recall, in the mid 1990s this was born out for two former Rovers forwards, with both Mike Jeffrey (pictured below) and Colin Cramb enjoying successful spells at Fortuna Sittard, a club of similar stature to Sparta. Although it would seem my friends had broadened their scouting horizons to a level higher by 1999 when they signed our very own Darren Ferguson from Wolves.
Another much less well-known Dutch football club will forever be ensconced within my brain for having the best name ever. Limburg, the most southerly Dutch province, is hilly and very different from the rest of the country. Its main football team should be MVV Maastricht, but they have not troubled the Dutch top flight since 2000 – perhaps they have been too distracted by Europe. So in MVV’s absence, Roda JC, Kerkrade have become seen as the region’s top side. Halfway between Maastricht and Kerkrade lies the beautiful village of Gulpen, nationally famous for Gulpener Bier made at probably the best Dutch brewery. Well I suppose you were going to put a brewery somewhere, a place called Gulpen might seem particularly apt.
Sparta’s main rivals Feijenoord, the most famous of the Rotterdam clubs. I have vivid memories of a night at Feijenoord’s stadium, de Kuip, a full house and a totally unforgettable atmosphere. Many of the crowd, including myself, were dancing on the pitch on one occasion when The Eagles were in town. But this was not the Go Ahead Eagles from Deventer entertaining us. It was not Cruyff, Gullit, Koeman, Kuyt or van Persie that left me gasping with emotion. No this was Don Henley, Glen Frey, Joe Walsh and friends giving me a lasting peaceful easy feeling. However, I don’t recall any crowdfunding efforts for a Californian based musically connected takeover bid.
Following that theme, just outside of Gulpen is a tiny hamlet called Partij (‘ij’ being the way the Dutch write ‘y’). And the locals betray their culture and humour by calling their local football team the Partij Boys, although sadly not (yet) sponsored by Gulpen Beers.
37
REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE AS HE’S ON SABBATICAL FROM DONALD TRUMP’S CABINET OUR LEGALEXPERT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS TURN THE OTHER CHEEK Dear Reg, I got back from the AFC Wimbledon game with what I thought was a flea bite on my arris from the cheap London hotel I returned drunk to whilst down there. Anyway, after a closer examination, it turns out it’s a tattoo, a proper one n’all, proclaiming ‘Stan woz ere’. No idea how or why. My bloke’s called Nigel. It’s his birthday in a week so he’s sure to notice; what can I do? Elsie Notices, Hyde Park
REG RESPONDS I’ve run out of the knockoff moonshine Tax Disc Sid gave us or I’d have rubbed it off for you with that. You’re in luck though as One Eye Walter from the tattoo parlour has left his tattoo gun with me whilst he’s inside, I mean, on holiday. Pop round and we’ll do a life size Alfie May in full kit; that should be just enough to cover it.
GUNNER BLOW Dear Reg, I copped off with a Donny lass after the Arsenal game. Problem is she won’t leave. Sits around all day drinking and complaining about the cost of everything, and she cooks everything in the chip pan. Been ages since I’ve had pie n mash. What can I do? Thierry Hungry, Islington
REG RESPONDS Sounds like paradise that flower. Stick with it – if she gets homesick send her to mine – it’s been ages since I’ve had a double chip butty and chips.
IT’S A KNACK OUT Dear Reg, I did a charity It’s a Knock Out thing for work a few weeks back; racing about on a bouncy castle down the local baths, that kind of things. Anyway, got me mates to take photographs of it, and turns out my shorts got baggy in the water and exposed my fruitbowl. I’m a laughing stock at work and they’ve put it on Facebook n that. What advice can you give me? Max Exposure, Skellow
REG RESPONDS Leave the country.
STAR LETTER I have a tendency to sleepwalk. The other day I got up midway through a couple of hours kip, and in my stupor urinated all over the table, and in the cups and glasses. Problem was I was on the train back from Arsenal at the time. I’m up before the Magistrate next week. Can you help? Selwyn Piddle, Askern
REG RESPONDS I’m on it. Seen the CCTV, and the 12 cans you sunk before. The case will be hard, but seeing your old fellah might get some sympathy – or a laugh at least. 38