EDITORIAL ‘F***ing useless Williams. F***ing rubbish. Get sat up here with us’
So when you know all that; when you know that one of our best players and one of the best forwards in this division – because on his day he certainly is – needs to have belief in himself to get back on track; why on earth would you go out of your way to crush him before he’s got going? And if you do want to say what you want, say it quietly to the person next to you; chances are if they’ve managed to put up with your company to the 76th minute, they’ll be a more sympathetic ear to your thoughts.
Sound familiar? You’ve probably heard similar balked at the pitch in the past month or so. It might even have been you that yelled it. Sadly it’s not uncommon to hear our players ‘encouraged’ in such a manner, but what struck me about this particular advice, was that it came away at Cambridge United, barely a minute after Andy Williams had come on as a substitute, and with Rovers 3-0 up. And I know, I know, God do I know, that you, whoever you are, have ‘paid your money so I’ll say what I want,’ but I just cannot fathom why you would say that, to him, at that point, and with such gusto. Because we all know, every one of us, that Williams is a confidence player; that his true worth comes in spells, runs of matches when self-belief has been stoked by the ball hitting the net. And conversely, when it isn’t going for him – like now – the guy simply can’t catch a break with his touch or his finish.
Three goals to the good, top of the league, centre-half on a booking – there is no better circumstance for a striker to try and get his eye back in; get that opportunistic goal that brings the belief and confidence back. Yet, even in this perfect storm, it takes just one heavy touch to bring a shower of abuse raining down on him… from his own fans. He must wonder why he bothers.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE 5 9 10 11 12 14 16 18 20 22
The Bernard Glover Diaries Remembering the First Time In Off the Post Bag Spotted! Go Away Marshall Matters From the Halfway Line Howard’s Marks For Peat’s Sake On Falling for the Rovers
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23 24 26 28 30 32 33 34 36 38
Trump on Rovers Jack the Miner’s Coal Face Voice of the Pop Side Lazarus Comes Forth Gary Brabin Memorial Lounge Conference Calls Coach’s Corner Beneath the Statue Windmills of Your Mind Reg Ipsa; Legal Beagle
I’ve come to realise that what brings this criticism Williams way is his style of play. He isn’t one to expend energy unless it’s needed; he won’t hare back to midfield, won’t chase after full-backs or goalkeepers. ‘Lazy’ is a word you see and hear a lot when fans talk of Williams, but it’s worth remembering that whilst the bustling, ever-running style of John Marquis and Alfie May is exciting, they are largely exceptions to the norm when it comes to forwards.
Anyway, it would be remiss of me to talk about forwards in this editorial without mentioning the exploits of John Marquis. Twenty league goals in a season is a phenomenal haul, made even more impressive by the speed at which it has been reached – with two months still to play – and the breadth of goals he has scored. Mazy dribbles, long range strikes, and a host of headers – he really is a threat from anywhere (except maybe the penalty spot) and deserves the praise being heaped upon him.
As popular STAND’s own Jack Peat uttered on one of the fanzine podcasts, when talking about Leo Fortune-West; ‘I used to thing he was lazy… but then I soon realised that all strikers are inherently lazy’. Williams has never been one to tear round a football field – it wasn’t his way when he managed twelve goals in a poor team last season; it wasn’t his way when he was in-form in the Autumn, so why should it be his way now?
But, in giving this praise, can we cease the airbrushing of Paul Barnes’ 2002-03 swansong? Since Marquis tucked away his twentieth goal at the Abbey Stadium last Tuesday he has been widely acknowledged as ‘the first Rovers player since Peter Kitchen, 40 years ago, to score 20 Football League goals in a season’. A fine accolade and due praise as I’ve said, but let us not forget Barnes. His 25 league goals may’ve come in the Conference, but that shouldn’t make his tally any less impressive – especially given how the big money signings of Justin Jackson and Carl Alford had failed so spectacularly in the seasons which preceded it.
Things are good. We’ve just had a month of our worst form all season and we’re still top of the league at the end of it, we’ve got youth products on the bench, a Donny lad at centre-half and James Coppinger still being James Coppinger. If you can take in all that and still focus your ire on one man who things just aren’t falling for, then you’re edging down a slippery slope that ultimately ends with Arsenal Fans TV, and self-aggrandised bell-ends in club-shop merchandise shouting into a microphone in the gross misunderstanding that the world values their hot-takes and isn’t merely pissing itself at their debased disreality.
When Barnes left Rovers in early 2004, issue 25 of this fanzine, carried a picture of him on its front cover with the heading ‘A Rovers Legend’ and his achievements ought to be celebrated as such, not lessened. After all, without him the last 14 years may’ve been very different. And besides, I’d liked to have seen someone try and tell Barnes he should ‘come and sit up here with me’ – they’d have only said it once. 4
THE BERNARD GLOVER DIARIES ROVERS HAVE FOUND WINS HARD TO COME BY IN FEBRUARY, BUT THEN SO HAS EVERYONE ELSE SATURDAY 21 JANUARY ROVERS 3-1 CREWE ALEXANDRA
SATURDAY 28 JANUARY YEOVIL TOWN 0-3 ROVERS
‘You started celebrating that before he hit it,’ said Matt of Conor Grant’s opening goal; driven in low from the edge of the area. He was right. Such has been Rovers’ ruthless effectiveness in recent weeks you just know when it’s coming. Today it happened to be 22 minutes; it could easily have been earlier.
Remember when we feared Yeovil? Bogey team. ‘We always lose to Yeovil’. No more. Four games, four wins. Thirteen goals to one. It’d be lovely to play them every week; that is if they were decidedly nearer and didn’t regularly pitch up at our place in the worst away kits ever conceived. Mathieu Baudry opened the scoring; unfazed by the restriction of wearing his marker like a backpack, to sweep in Grant’s cross. Within four minutes Marquis made it two. Coppinger intercepting in midfield with the tenacity of a man half his age, before breaking and feeding the forward to slot the ball beneath the Yeovil ‘keeper. Well taken, but it had nothing on his second, late in the game. After flicking the ball round a defender on halfway Marquis set off for goal, sidestepping the four men that lay between him and it as if they were green and white cones on a training pitch, before slotting past Artur Krysiak. Who’s the best striker in the Football League? It’s certainly you John, John, John.
Crewe ‘keeper Ben Garratt produced two excellent saves either side of Grant’s strike; clawing a James Coppinger free-kick out of the top corner and somehow stopping Andy Williams at point-blank range. But when it seemed Rovers would dominate the visitors edged back into contention. Ian Lawlor unlucky to see his brilliant save from Chris Dagnall, turned back past him by James Jones. And but for two more smart Lawlor saves the Alex may’ve even ended the half in front. The second half though was to be business as usual. A case of ‘how many?’ rather than ‘if?’ Matty Blair struck the inside of the post before John Marquis made it 2-1; the forward heading in Grant’s cross. Tommy Rowe made it three with a quarter of the game still to go; nodding the ball in after William’s superb header had bounced off both bar and line.
A routinely emphatic win of which January has been typical, wrapped in touching sentiment and sincerity for Paul Mayfield’s loss from fans and players alike. Works for us. 5
WEDNESDAY 1 FEBRUARY
MONDAY 6 FEBRUARY
Why sign one captain on deadline day when you can sign two? Rovers tie up Coppinger and Andy Butler for another twelve months, with contract extensions, and it seems Coppinger has an eye on extending that further, ‘I have played 40 games a season for the past 16 years, and in pre-season I was as fit as anybody in the team, so it is looking good for the next couple of years’. Altogether; ‘Five more years! Five more years!’
Rovers are reportedly still looking at the possibility of spending time in Thailand in pre-season as part of the partnership with kit manufacturers FBT. However Gavin Baldwin insists whether it will go ahead will be decided by football rather than commercial factors. ‘We’ve got a package available for fans, a package available for the team, but we’ve got to convince ourselves is that it’s not a quick win financially that scuppers the season next year. Say the players were to get back from the trip jet-lagged, they’re tired, and they start the season poorly – no tour is worth that no matter how much it brings in’.
SATURDAY 4 FEBRUARY ROVERS 1-1 MORECAMBE The first of a trio of home games in February that would play out along a very similar pattern. Rugged opposition, tame refereeing, little space to play in – opponents take the lead, Rovers struggle to break them down and are ultimately thankful for an equaliser. Morecambe pitched up at the Keepmoat both unpaid and unbeaten and as determined to keep up the latter as they were to resolve the former.
WEDNESDAY 8 FEBRUARY Curses abound in Rovers’ changing rooms as Darren Ferguson is named League Two Manager of the Month, whilst John Marquis is January’s League Two Fans’ Player of the Month.
FRIDAY 10 FEBRUARY NEWPORT COUNTY 0-0 ROVERS I mean everyone loves a kickabout on the beach, but you have to draw the line somewhere. Sadly it wasn’t drawn around Rodney Parade where the sand proved a distinct leveller between the two sides at either end of the division.
Set-pieces looked the Shrimpers’ best bet to unsettle Rovers and so it proved as Peter Murphy put them ahead from a first half corner. Once ahead Morecambe did what teams ahead at the Keepmoat do and treated every dead ball with the urgency of a beach front stroll, whilst also imposing their physicality – 73-year-old Kevin Ellison in particular, keen to leave his mark on most of Rovers outfield.
With the combined aspects of a pitch you can’t play football on and a manager in Graham Westley who doesn’t particularly like to play football, a goalless draw was probably inevitable. In a game of few chances Rowe and Butler went close – the former seeing his effort deflect wide off a sandcastle, whilst Butler’s header was blocked by a deckchair – but this was a beach shy on Amusements.
Mercifully Marquis struck an equaliser ten minutes inti the second half, but Rovers could only find frustration from then on. 6
But there would be brightness late on; Grant’s pinpoint through-ball releasing substitute Alfie May, and he took his chance perfectly to notch his first professional goal. May’s fellow substitute Gary McSheffrey might have won it late on, but fired just over. A hard-earned point that keeps Rovers eleven points clear of fourth place.
TUESDAY 14 FEBRUARY CARLISLE UNITED 2-1 ROVERS Valentine’s Day, and what could be more romantic than a fourth tier football match on a cold Cumbrian evening? Well, everything - Brunton Park is no Paris of the Borders - but you can only play the hand you dealt. This was to be an off night, for Rovers as well as relationships. Chances were presented at the feet of the man you’d want them to fall to, but Marquis just couldn’t find the target when it mattered and Rovers trailed to a wellhit Nicky Adams volley. The second half followed a similar path ‘til Niall Mason sliced Carlisle’s second into his own net to all but confirm the result. A Rowe header sparked late hope, but it was to be little more than last minute flowers from an all-night petrol station forecourt; a brave effort but too late to save the day. Still, the time to worry is when the chances aren’t being created, not when they’re being missed.
SUNDAY 19 FEBRUARY Conor Grant could be set for a permanent move to Rovers, according to reports in the Liverpool Echo. According to the Merseyside paper Rovers have the go ahead from Everton to make Grant’s spell at the Keepmoat permanent in the summer, if the midfielder is up for the move.
TUESDAY 21 FEBRUARY There’s a big blow to Rovers title push as Jordan Houghton is ruled out for the rest of the season with the knee injury suffered against Luton. The holding midfielder has returned to his parent club, Chelsea, for treatment, and will be a hard man for Ferguson to replace.
SATURDAY 18 FEBRUARY ROVERS 1-1 LUTON TOWN Another home game, another physical opponent, another reluctant referee. All signs that Rovers needed to get a hold of the game early on, and though they started brightly, the crucial goal just wouldn’t come. Instead, Luton forced their way into the match and in the second half took the lead that Rovers so desperately needed; Isaac Vassell sending Jordan Cook away on the right and his fierce low drive gave Lawlor no chance. Things would get worse before they got better as Jordan Houghton was forced off with a nasty looking knee injury.
In more positive news it seems the joy in seeing May score his first professional goal in that game proved too much for the forward’s dad; ‘I think he actually cried,’ May told the Free Press, ‘he said he was so happy that he tried to run down the stairs but a steward got in his way.’ The man himself was pretty chuffed to get on the scoresheet too, ‘I’m used to playing in front of a few hundred fans so to do it here, I got shivers. It was a great feeling.’ Long may it continue. 7
At half-time the teams seemed to swap tactics as well as ends, with Rovers no longer dominating and Cambridge increasingly threatening. Still, Marquis added a third from the spot after robbing a defender who then pulled him down. George Maris walloped in a thunderbolt from distance to keep United in the game, and only a Baudry goal-line clearance to alleviate the danger after Butler had swung wildly at a through-ball like a T-Rex going a piñata with a lasso ensured the hosts’ second goal took until stoppage time to arrive.
SATURDAY 25 FEBRUARY ROVERS 2-2 ACCRINGTON STANLEY Yep, you guessed it; home game, physical opponent, draw.
MONDAY 27 FEBRUARY Positive news from the training ground, as Luke McCullough is ‘way ahead of schedule’ in his rehabilitation from the cruciate injury he sustained at York in pre-season. The Northern Ireland international is set to return to full training soon, and could be available for selection in April – a welcome addition following the loss of Houghton.
FRIDAY 3 MARCH Former Rovers winger Steve Adams passes away. Adams made just shy of 40 appearance for Rovers between 1989 and 1991 after joining from Scarborough to provide ammunition for forward David Jones. At the end of his playing career Adams helped establish Sheffield Wednesday’s community coaching set-up, and was very active locally in junior coaching.
TUESDAY 28 FEBRUARY CAMBRIDGE UNITED 2-3 ROVERS What’s the opposite of a stone-waller? A sponge-floorer? A gaseous-ceilinger? Whatever the term is, it could have been justifiably applied to the award of Cambridge’s ninth minute penalty, when Lawlor expertly took all of the ball and none of the man yet still somehow found himself facing a spot-kick. Having been soaked in a rainstorm that started the moment we stepped out the pub, and got heavier and heavier the nearer to the ground we got, it was all pointing to being one of those nights, but then Luke Berry – clearly embarrassed by the ref ’s decision – sportingly ballooned his penalty high over the bar, and Rovers never looked back.
SATURDAY 4 MARCH CRAWLEY TOWN 0-0 ROVERS A frustrating afternoon on which the two goalkeeprs shone brightest, yet four points from two away games is a fair haul to take. On another occasion Rovers would’ve been out of sight at the end of a first half in which Crawley failed to muster a shot of any kind. However Glenn Morris was in fine form, saving both Marquis penalty and May’s follow-up as well as a Coppinger effort to keep things goalless. Crawley did turn up for the second time and it needed two brilliant Lawlor saves to prevent them taking the lead, whilst down at the other end a combination of Morris and Jimmy Smith prevented Andy Butler from winning it
Dominating the next thirty-five minutes, with fluent, inventive football, Rovers swarmed all over Cambridge like waves of student cyclists and duly took a two goal lead into the break through Rowe’s low finish and Baudry’s close range tap in. 8
REMEMBERING THE FIRST TIME OUR ONGOING SERIES OF FANS’ FIRST ROVERS MATCHES TAKES US TO 1977, WITH CRAIG GARVEY There was still some time before kick-off and a large group of Exeter fans had gathered in the uppermiddle part of the Pop Stand terrace, singing songs and what have you – though they were soon dealt with as more Rovers fans arrived; all pretty entertaining for me on my first visit.
I had been wanting to go and watch the Rovers for a while. It was the 1976-77 season, I was 15 years old, and Doncaster were having a good season. They had a good team at the time, a side that included Peter Kitchen – though I remember he left for Leyton Orient soon after my first match – Windy Miller and Brendan O’Callaghan. It was the last home game of the season, a May Saturday, and promotion-chasing Exeter City were the visitors.
Once the game started it was all Exeter, and they eventually won 3-0. They had it all to play for and were promoted at the end of the season. Rovers were merely playing out their season, finishing a respectable eighth.
I arrived early, bought my first programme, and made my way into Belle Vue through the turnstiles on the corner of the Pop side.The first thing I noticed was just how green and great the pitch looked. It was early, but I looked round and on first viewing I remember thinking ‘I like this ground’.
They may not have won, but even in defeat I still somehow got the bug and I’ve been going regularly from that point on.
Do you remember your first Rovers match? Fancy sharing it with our readers? If so, please get in touch with us via the address on page two.
BERNARD GLOVER’S BELIEVE IT or NOT After retiring from football, former Rovers midfielder Pat Lally became a founder member of the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain. 9
IN OFF THE POSTBAG WE’VE HAD MORE LETTERS SINCE THE LAST ISSUE THAN ROTHERHAM UNITED HAVE SCORED POINTS The agent for my deal was one Dennis Riley. We were sort of mates but a mate does not transfer you. Our friendship was again tested shortly after. In the weekly games session ‘Green’, the imaginative name for my team, was playing Yellow on some ash pitches. I managed to break way and was bearing down on the goal which Dennis was guarding. It must have been quite a break because he had sufficient time to tell me that if I scored he would not be my mate any more. I duly scored. Since we left school we’ve not been in touch.
MEMORIES OF A MISSED CALLING Dear popular STAND, James McMahon’s article about his early experiences as a footballer invoked a flood of memories of my early football career. To set the context, my first experience of playing football was in the early 1960s in Stockport. Our first leather ball still had laces on it. I had a pair of shoes for all outside use and plimsolls for PE. The school yard had two pitches; one was reserved for Years 5/6 in today’s money and they used the openings to old bomb shelters as goals.
Such was my form that at a tender age I was asked to play in a trial game for the school team. Whilst I had picked up a few things nothing had prepared me from going onto a full size pitch with 11 a-side teams. I think I lasted about 10 minutes and with it any chance of furthering my football career.
It was on the alternative pitch where Years 3/4 played and it was where I had my first traumatic football experience. I arrived one morning to be promptly told I had been transferred to Glasgow Rangers. The only consolation was that I too had attracted a £100k transfer fee putting me on a par with Dennis Law and Jimmy Greaves.
From that moment I became one of the players who could hold their own in most games but never anything more than that. It was only James’ article that made me realise that I had suffered multiple trauma and I had joined the brigade of the ‘If onlys’. Maybe it is time for the PFA to extend its services beyond ex-footballers to all footballers who might have made it.
We then played the game which was between Tottenham Hotspur and Glasgow Rangers. I took my anger out on being unceremoniously transferred and Rangers won the game. I was then told the match was over two legs (whatever that meant) and there would be another game at break; I cannot remember the result - a bit like how I erase Donny defeats from my memory.
Yours sincerely, Chris ‘almost Len White’ Peat 10
EAST STAND RALLY CRY Come on my fellow Doncastrians. Give the team your heart and your voice. As an inhabitant of the East Stand I crave your help. It is a lonely place being lead vocalist and cheerleader. Rise up from your seats and let your tonsils enjoy a bit of unbridled freedom. As the end is getting nearer sing sing and sing again. You never know you may enjoy it and spur on our fellow reticents.
ADAM LOCKWOOD
Yes I want your help, yes I want your support and yes I want your voices because above all else our beloved team will benefit.
MARKO MAROSI
In Reflex, Wakefield for a family member’s leaving do. Not a big dancer. @MrKyleToYou
At Doncaster Races, but he didn’t look as injured as my winings for the day. @Louis_Bailey_
Come on you reds and sing up East Stand!
ANDY WILLIAMS
Richard Haley
On the platform at Yeovil station; no book, no phone, no headphones, just sat staring straight ahead.
MEMORIES OF FORTUNE-WEST I think about Leo Fortune-West often; he brought me and my mum closer together. We’re Huddersfield fans, and he scored maybe twice against us, but obviously did something to upset my mum. Usually serenely untroubled by opposition players, she would grumble about Leo before every game.
@JamesJamMcMahon
MARK HARBOTTLE
The 1987-88 loanee is my window cleaner by Andrew Wren
AARON TAYLOR-SINCLAIR
Looking fed-up, walking across the forecourt at Morrisons petrol station. @CliceScott6
Eventually I left Huddersfield and Leo left Doncaster. I still got regular texts telling me ‘that horrible man’ had scored again. I began to wish him more and more success because, well, who doesn’t want texts out of the blue from their mum?
LEO FORTUNE-WEST
Marco, Kent
In Asda, looking confused, wandering aimlessly with an empty basket. @Craigthefub
Got something you want to get off your chest? Write to us, by post or email, via the address on page two.
Seen a current or ex Rovers player out and about? Tweet the details to @vivarovers and it could feature in issue 88 of the ‘zine. 11
GO AWAY! FANCY WATCHING ROVERS ON THE ROAD? HERE’S OUR GUIDE TO THE NEXT TWO AWAY GAMES
Leyton Orient
What’s it famous for?
Brisbane Road 18 March
OK, rage extolled, I’ll try and keep it light. Leyton’s most famous son, certainly the man with the greatest legacy, is Harry Beck. A technical draughtsman working at the London Underground signals office, Beck created the present Tube Map in 1931 after realising that passengers were not particularly bothered with geographical accuracy, or superfluous details, and more concerned with getting to the end point as directly as possible. An approach later taken and applied to football tactics by Harry’s namesake John Beck.
Leyton Orient used to be a football club; now it’s the empty shell of a rich man’s plaything – the half-built poolhouse of a garish suburban mansion. Leyton deserves better; Orient’s fans deserve better. Whilst great swathes of London become a homogenised nowhere of unoccupied luxury apartments and a skyline of cranes and glass, Leyton remains stoically London. Terraced houses and council estates, pubs and cafes, African food stalls and Caribbean barbers; a proper club in a proper community at its heart.
What’s the stadium like? I like Brisbane Road. It’s got four stands and proper floodlights and has managed to retain some of the character and aesthetic appeal of what it once was, despite undertaking some clear modernisation. Think more Demi Moore than Rene Zellweger.
But alas East London has been ransacked by Little Italy; Francesco Becchetti has pitched up, pissed about, fucked thing up and duly fucked off, following the shady owner playbook to a tee; a caricature of a cowardly football charlatan. Football doesn’t need him, it owes him even less. So, pitch up in East London, and for once swallow the expensive ticket price and dig out an extra fiver to chuck in the bucket of Leyton Orient Fans’ Trust, because for as long as the FA continues to give not one toss about anything occurring outside its Premier League bubble, they could easily be us.
Away supporters are housed in the oldest part of the stadium, the Main Stand, complete with wooden boarded floors, narrow turnstiles and supporting pillars that you will inevitably end up sat behind. Still, the ground does have those flats in the corners still, so you could always lean over and ask the couple in number 12A to try and stream the match for you on their laptop. Or better still, if it’s owt like the second half at Barnet, stick another game on. 12
What’s it famous for?
Grimsby Town Blundell Park 1 April
Depending on your age, either that God awful Sacha Baron-Cohen film of the same name, or fish. Regular fish, frozen fish. All of fish. Famous people from Grimsby include the young fella out of This is England, and the Look North weather presenter your dad fancies… no, not her, the other one.
Grimsby is also known as Great Grimsby, but not very often. The Danes first settled Grimsby in the 9th century, up until then it had been a right grouchy bugger. However, it wasn’t until the 19th century that the town attracted development, and the town’s fishing industry grew exponentially. By 1900 a tenth of all fish consumed in the UK was landed in Grimsby, and by 1930 The One Show had finished and Coronation Street was starting on the other side.
What’s the stadium like? Cold, weather-beaten, foreboding… and that’s just the folk serving in the snack bars. No away fan has every successfully made it to Blundell Park and back without some boring sod telling them how ‘interestingly it’s actually in Cleethorpes’, and that it’s ‘statistically the closest League ground in England to the sea’ you won’t either.
The fishing industry declined dramatically after the Cod Wars, a forerunner to Robot Wars in which Jonathan Pearce spouted bollocks over the top of footage of blokes who’ve never held a conversation with a women battering each other with flaky white fish whilst trying to avoid the house trawlers.
A clunky old ground, it’s been rehashed and re-arranged as much as the Sugababes. The two-tier Young’s Stand is the place to be to watch the best of the action – assuming that by action you mean tankers edging up the Humber. Away fans will have to make do with occasional glimpses of the match between the pillars from the Osmond Stand – or the Donny Osmond as it ought to be known when we visit.
Apparently modern day Grimsby and Cleethorpes acts as the ‘cultural centre for a large area of northern Lincolnshire,’ so you can only begin to imagine how bleak places like Brigg and Barton-upon-Humber must be. 13
MARSHALL MATTERS ROB MARSHALL DISCOVERS THAT SOME THINGS WORK BEST WHEN KEPT SIMPLE Ultimately I decided that whatever combination had led to the crowning of a world title should be perfectly good enough for me and I decided to leave it to them and experience it exactly how it should be. If something works, then it works, simple.
I spent last week in Iceland, largely battling to keep a small hire car on snowy roads in order to visit a number of spectacular sights. The ends thankfully justified the lengths taken to get there, but there was one attraction which, though much less arduous to experience, I was equally determined to enjoy.
Similarly, Doncaster Rovers (in case you were worried this was all going to be about an Icelandic hotdog) seemed to find exactly what worked in the period around Christmas. A delightful spell of seven wins in eight games was largely based on a consistent and stable recipe; 4-4-2. It’s like a League Two cliché really, the kind of thing you’d expect your mate who only watches the Premier League to spout as gospel in the pub when chatting about ‘lesser teams’. What many would perhaps consider no frills, simple and old-school because it is based on a seemingly out dated system, should be considered the norm for the likes of League Two.
Just prior to my holiday I heard about a small street vendor in Reykjavik who sold what the Guardian considered to be the finest hotdog in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a hotdog expert, nor even a regular hotdog eater, but when you have an opportunity to experience the best at anything, it makes sense that one should take that chance. The booth was only a 10 minute walk from my accommodation, meaning the likelihood of being entombed in an icy Toyota Yaris was about the lowest it would be all trip, so off we went on foot. I was naturally sceptical, as a Yorkshireman a degree of cynicism seems normal, but on finding the hut it appeared plenty of people knew of the legendary offerings given there was a constant huddle of customers queuing round its shed-sized premises.
The fact is though, we were better than everyone else – 4-4-2 or otherwise – and then for some reason, this recipe was altered, messed about and changed. I know some of the changes were initially because of injuries, but broadly speaking we have always had the personnel available to continue with the tried and tested formula, and keep round pegs in round holes.
I spent much of my time in the queue wondering what I would have on my hotdog, should I go cheese? Surely both mustard and ketchup, what if there are jalapeños? 14
In the last edition of popular STAND I lauded the fact we had a manager who had found a style and identity but boasted a plan B if things weren’t going right. The problem now is that plans C and D are being used at such regular intervals the foundation for winning games is worryingly close to being forgotten. I don’t understand a desire for needless change, or to try to be something more than we are. We had a style which won games, why try to be something else?
However, we haven’t. Recent games have seen us change to a back-three, a back five, 3-4-3 and so on; the once consistent formula looks like a dizzying blend of exotic phone numbers.
Anyway, when the hotdog was presented to me, it had two different types of onions (caramelised and an onion relish) and I hate onions. It had a special sauce and mustard. No chilli, no cheese, it had no frills and looked a bit basic; a League Two hotdog if you will. One bite was all I required - it was the best hotdog in the world. I couldn’t really believe it, but trust me, it was amazing. Each element worked, it wasn’t flash or gourmet, it was handed to me in a tissue from a small red shed at the side of the road, but it tasted amazing.
I don’t know if winning Manager of the Month suddenly gave Darren Ferguson delusions of grandeur or placed a pressure on him to live up to a tag as some kind of tactical genius, but since that point he has become a ‘tinkerman’. Most would acknowledge the emergence of Mathieu Baudry and his partnership with Andy Butler as a key component in patching up an initially very leaky defence, but I write this post Accrington, which saw Baudry relegated to the bench in favour of a back three. The last few weeks have seen us again leak goals with alarming regularity and it all seems a bit needless.
For the record I whole heartedly recommend Iceland - geothermal spas, geysers, waterfalls and, most spectacularly of all, I was privileged enough to experience the Northern Lights in all their breath-taking glory. In a list of highlights though, the hotdog from Baejarins Beztu Pylsur unashamedly makes the list. In life as in football, if it works, it works. Why fight it?
Really, Ferguson should have the easiest job in football this year. Our team is the best in this division and he had found a way to play which suited everyone. This should be a period of accumulating points, a delightful monotony of putting out settled teams to win games. It’s our opponents who should be consulting the chalk board, looking for a formation to stop the likes of James Coppinger, John Marquis et al and we should be getting on with the task of going out and winning games.
NB popular STAND is obliged to point out that neither the fanzine, nor Rob have received any money for endorsement of Baejarins Beztu Pylsur - not a sausage in fact - and that other sausage-based Icelandic snacks are available, probably. 15
FROM THE HALFWAY LINE EVER WONDERED HOW TO GET A BETTER VIEW AT AWAY GAMES? STICK WITH THIS ROVERS FAN There aren’t many grounds where away fans are given a good view of the match. Sunderland and Newcastle situate them so high above the pitch behind the goal that oxygen masks ought to be distributed. Leeds overcharge massively for the worst view in the ground, while Bradford City reserve for visitors an antiquated stand behind a goal, which is in stark contrast to the rest of Valley Parade. At other grounds, such as Gillingham, Exeter and York away fans shiver in uncovered seats or terracing (although sadly the latter is no longer a problem for us). The list could go on.
While suppressing the desire to leap from my seat punching the air, screaming ‘Yeeeesss!’ when we score can be a challenge, it’s surprisingly easy if I put my mind to it.
Only a few clubs, such as Notts County, Crewe, Rochdale and Bournemouth, offer much better views from the side of the pitch, but these are very much the exceptions. So what does an away fan who goes to matches to enjoy the football almost as much as to see his or her team win do? For me, there is only one solution: sit in the best stand at the side of the pitch, as near to the halfway line as possible, and keep quiet.
Of course, I also have to remain silent about the many refereeing decisions which should clearly have gone Rovers’ way, but which hundreds around me misguidedly think ought to favour their team. And I even have to refrain from agreeing when supporters tell each other that we are much better than their side, or when they comment on how good one of players (usually James Coppinger) is.
What’s actually more of a challenge is resisting the temptation to correct home supporters’ misconceptions about our players. Such as at Stevenage, when I was sorely tempted to explain to those around me that John Marquis was not actually a ‘dirty northern b**tard’ as he comes from South London, but managed to keep my counsel.
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Sometimes I admit to my allegiance and enjoy chatting with opposing fans, virtually all of whom are pleasant and friendly and want to enjoy good football, but see their club win. At Oldham a few years ago, I chatted to ex-manager Joe Royle, who sat just in front of me in the Directors’ Box. I’m sure he thought I was a home fan, but he was full of intelligent insights into both teams. In fact, on that occasion the only people who aroused the ire of the home fans were our directors and their friends, who leapt in the air and yelled when we scored a late winner. I went up with them, but quickly remembered to curse Oldham’s bad luck and wave my arms in mock annoyance. Oldham fans are some of the friendliest in football, however, and I doubt I’d have been lynched if they’d known my allegiance.
Perhaps the most memorable recent halfway line encounter came at Hartlepool v Salford City in an FA Cup replay last season (I do like to live the dream). After a dire 90 minutes, which the non-league side dominated, the score was 0-0. Throughout the match, the rather middle-class dad (yes, they do have middle-classes in Hartlepool!) in front of me had talked his young primary-aged son through the finer points of the game, possibly in a desperate bid to keep the lad awake. The boy, who was wearing a bobble hat which must surely have been knitted by his gran, took out a mobile phone while Dad went to find hot chocolate. Being an educationalist, I was intrigued to see what the lad was texting and looked over his shoulder surreptitiously. It went something like this: ‘Sorry Mummy. Extra time. We’ll be home late XXX’ ‘All right, my poppet. I’ll go to bed. See you in the morning XXX’ ‘Goodnight Mummy. XXX’ ‘Goodnight my angel. How are they playing? XXX’ The cherubic little chap texted back (and I promise this is true): ‘We’re f*cking sh*te! XXX’
When Rovers aren’t playing, I enjoy watching other clubs and find it rather more relaxing when I don’t mind too much who wins. At North Ferriby United’s play-off final against Fylde last year, I sat next to two brothers who chatted and commented with amazing perception on players, both to me and each other. One quizzed me about the Ferriby players, their ages, previous clubs etc. It was just before half time when he revealed that he and his brother had just been appointed as managers of Lincoln City. Having listened to them talk about football, I’m not at all surprised at how well their team has done this season.
An interesting view from the halfway line, but one which showed remarkable insight and perception and will clearly stand him in good stead for 80 years of supporting Hartlepool – or even Rovers, if he moves south.
DON’T JUST READ POPULAR STAND, LISTEN TO IT
In September we launched the first Doncaster Rovers fans’ podcast, podular STAND. Why not give it a listen? Find the latest episodes online at soundcloud.com/popularstand or by searching for ‘popular STAND’ on iTunes. 17
HOWARD’S MARKS HE’S SPA-TACUS! HOWARD BONNETT PAYS A VISIT TO HARROGATE TOWN I am sure many of us will have enjoyed a visit to the Spa town of Harrogate, famous for its hot springs and clear water. One of life’s great delights is looking at the queues outside Betty’s Tearoom… and then tutting at the price of the drinks, cakes and sandwiches before sloping off to find the nearest Greggs for a sausage roll.
Having played in the Yorkshire and Northern Counties East Leagues the club progressed to become a founder member of the Conference North in 2004. Despite flirting with relegation in 2009-10 the club have managed to survive in that same division, now named the National League North, ever since.
Harrogate is well known as a venue for exhibitions, and as home to Yorkshire Tea and the annual Great Yorkshire Show, where – when the weather is decidedly Yorkshire – hundreds of thousands of people turn the showground into a replica of the pitch at Newport County. Despite a population of 71,000, Harrogate Town have struggled to attract support from folk who mostly choose to support Leeds United.
Town’s ground is the 4,000 capacity CNG Stadium on Wetherby Road, which boasts three distinct stands. Crowds this season have ranged from 400 to 2,000, but are averaging nearer the 900 mark. A crowd of 1,018 were there when I visited, but as well read as this column is I suspect the extra 118 weren’t present for me, but opponents AFC Fylde who currently top the division. Rovers and Harrogate Town have met only once that I could find; an FA Trophy third round tie in 2002, which Rovers won, but there are other connections beyond that.
Initially founded as Harrogate AFC in 1914 the club were once known as Harrogate Hotspurs before a final change of name to Harrogate Town just after the Second World War.
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Perhaps due to the nature of the town itself, I’d headed to the CNG Stadium expecting to find a club happy with their lot and with little ambition. I was wrong.
Town are currently managed by exRovers defender Simon Weaver whose father Irwin Weaver owns the club. Tim Ryan, Jamie (not JJ) Price and Dave Syers have all turned out for Town, whilst Sean McDaid was born in Harrogate. And the links extend into the current playing side with one-time Rover John-Paul Pittman on the Town bench for my visit.
The game was a real treat. Playing in white to aspire to be the Real Madrid of the north west Fylde, like the home side, played at a good tempo. Harrogate went 1-0 up on the break through Ainge, but Fylde drew level with a penalty from league top scorer Danny Rowe – brother of our own Tommy – and the teams went in even at half time. The second half saw Fylde go 2-1 ahead through Dan Bradley, but Harrogate didn’t roll over; Ainge equalising before completing his hat-trick. But with three minutes to go Fylde levelled it again at 3-3 and that was how it finished.
A quick rattle through the important stuff then; adult tickets on the turnstile are £13 with concessions at £8 and youngsters in for £3. The clubhouse, called the 1919 lounge, was well set out and a pint of ‘In it Together’ beer at £3 went down well. The pie, peas and gravy was smashing and, also at £3, went down as well as the beer. For some reason though, they don’t do chips. The club has been steadily building its infrastructure off the pitch, having made a number of improvements – including the installation of an artificial pitch, which was a novelty for me – and with more to follow. The pitch has enabled the club’s under 17, under 21 and women’s teams to come under one roof and all appear to benefitting, doing well in their respective leagues.
The atmosphere was great and Harrogate certainly showed they are a better team that their ninth position would suggest. They can look ahead to better times this season and next if they do press on with ful-time contracts for their playing staff. I certainly enjoyed my day at Harrogate and felt the club was genuinely trying to make a real community connection. The programme seller was a former under 21 player, an old supporter I spoke to was a lifetime member and indeed all of the fans I met felt the club is on the up. Town appear well run and I would not be at all surprised to see them in League Two before too long. As I left having seen a good quality game, there was only one nagging question left. Why were there no chips?
And it doesn’t stop there, on the pitch Town plan for their playing staff to go full-time next season to improve their prospects of securing promotion to the National League and then on to League Two. Of the current squad Simon Ainge, Luke Shiels, Lewis Turner and Warren Burrell are fan favourites and, having seen them play, I certainly believe they could play at a higher level. 19
FOR PEAT’S SAKE JACK PEAT ON PIES, POUNDS AND NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL It was a chance sales lead with Greggs the bakers, and the clear press opportunity afforded by Sutton United’s fifth-round mega draw and oversized substitute goalkeeper Wayne Shaw, which laid the early foundations for Pie Gate. Sat in a meeting room laden with old newspaper cuttings and the fumes of half-empty cups of coffee with my boss and former Head of News at the Sun we joked that Greggs might seize the opportunity to make national headlines with a bit of ironic product placement. The Sun cleared the front pages, Greggs weren’t so keen, but that wasn’t enough to deter the red top rag. Say what you like about the events that unfolded on the night. Whether you take the view that eating a pie in the dugout is an overhyped bit of banter or a commercially fuelled, morally ridden money-making opportunity, from a publicity point of view it worked. By Tuesday morning everyone was talking about Sun Bets in the same way PaddyPower was a national talking point when it made a ‘money back if he walks’ market for Paralympian and convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius or when the same Irish bookmaker parked a lorry at Dover with the slogan ‘Immigrants, jump in the back.’ The reality is that come Cheltenham people will identify with both when they part with their cash to celebrate the start of the hurdle season.
Now I sympathise with Sutton United as much as the next man. They became the unfortunate victims of a publicity scandal, when what we should be talking about is what a remarkable achievement it was to navigate past high-flying Forest Green Rovers, Dartford, Cheltenham Town, AFC Wimbledon and, most wonderfully, Leeds United. We should have been talking Paul Doswell – the manager who works for free and who stumped up the half million pounds required to install its cutting-edge pitch before engineering promotion to the National League and a lucrative cup run – not some fat bloke who took a back-hander off the Sun to stuff his fat face. But therein lies our problem. While the rest of the country gawp in astonishment or chuckle with glee at the prospect of an out of shape keeper eating a pie on the sideline there are far deeper, more systemic problems at the heart of the nonleague. As Premier League clubs shell out record dollars for overrated players thanks to a bumper TV deal (see popular STAND issue 86) it won’t come as a surprise that money at the other end of the game is also a focal issue, but often for very different reasons. 20
The divide between the haves and have-nots transcends further down the pyramid too. Look at National League North and the impressive ascension of AFC Fylde – dubbed a ‘pub team with money’ by In Bed With Maradona – and Salford City bankrolled by the Class of 92 – and you get a sense for the problem.
Ask any chairman of a non-league outfit and they will tell you that paying the bills is the hardest part of running the club. You rely on benefactors and networking with investors, and if they’re hard to come by, then relying on £5 gate receipts and £2 cups of tea to balance the books becomes a tough ask. But from a player’s perspective the expectation of making money is still there.
Likewise the National League South where players at leaders Ebbsfleet United have been accused of a ‘gravy-train mentality’ for joining the club on purely financial terms, and challengers Maidenhead United and Dartford benefit from a state-ofthe-art artificial pitch, and £7million stadium respectively.
Talking to the Non League Yorkshire website, Selby Town chairman Ralph Pearse said ‘money has ruined non league football’, creating a survival of the fittest environment where clubs as far down as the Northern Counties East League Division One have to compete to pay players.
But alongside the healthy – albeit unbalanced – spending in non-league there are also darker elements at play, even at some of the sides that have built cult followings. As Wayne Shaw enjoyed his fat payout from the Sun, Clapton FC fans have been boycotting matches in protest at owner Vince McBean’s lack of engagement at putting admission prices up mid season and not divulging where the club’s considerable gate revenue has been going since attendances rose from 60 to 600.
Part of the problem is that there is money kicking around, it’s just not fairly distributed. Take the National League. Over the last ten years it has become a division of ex-Football League sides that have fallen on hard times, and cashed-up clubs spearheaded by wealthy investors. Forest Green Rovers are bankrolled by a local energy millionaire, while Eastleigh had millions ploughed into them a few seasons ago to provide them with a playing roster that would make most League Two sides blush. That leaves wellattended but poorly-financed teams – Tranmere Rovers, Chester, York City – scrapping to get out of what has become one of the most competitive divisions in Britain, and not just on the pitch.
An isolated case it may be, but along with the increase in high-spending clubs, it is a timely reminder that non-league could well be getting caught up in the sort of issues higher up the pyramid, which resulted in fans coming their way in the first place. As Shaw may now well confer – it’s worth thinking before you put your money where your mouth is.
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ON FALLING FOR THE ROVERS PROFESSOR BRIAN COX IS THE LATEST CELEB TO EXPLAIN HOW HE FELL FOR THE ROVERS. AS TOLD TO MIKE FOLLOWS It was here I made a quite startling discovery. As I turned the receiver dish of the Lovell Telescope towards a patch of sky to the north east, I was horrified to see an asteroid the size of Barnsley heading directly towards us. The great thing about science is that sometimes, no matter how much we think we know there are always new discoveries to be made, and this piece of rock had somehow made it through a vast area of space completely undetected.
You might wonder how and why an eminent astrophysicist pop star from Oldham would choose to follow Doncaster Rovers. And it’s a really fascinating story. The truth is, I was never into football until quite recently. In October 2009 I was filming my first major TV series, Wonders of the Solar System for the BBC. We were doing a feature on extinction events related to objects from nearearth orbit colliding with us. I wanted to demonstrate in a really simple way how we classify ‘Near Earth’ in astronomical terms to put the viewers’ minds at rest regarding the odds against something of a notable or lifeendangering size crossing our path.
Before I had a chance to raise the alarm, another somewhat smaller object travelling away from Earth connected with the asteroid, smashing it into thousands and thousands of pieces which rained down into the atmosphere as a meteor shower unlike anything I’d seen in all my years as a keyboard playing space boffin.
Although there are over fifteen thousand known Near Earth objects, the likelihood of one getting close enough to cause any concern is infinitesimally small. But over a long enough timeline, those odds reduce to the point of making a collision at some time or another practically inevitable.
I showed the data from this incredible event to my colleagues at the observatory and having modelled the size, trajectory and velocity of the object we were able to determine exactly what this object that had destroyed the asteroid and saved civilisation as we know it, was. Turned out it was a football kicked from the penalty spot of St James’s Park by Martin Woods that afternoon.
That’s why the world’s leading space agencies constantly track comets, asteroids and meteors. Thanks to this quite amazing volume of data I was confident that I could use the radio telescope at Jodrell Bank to demonstrate just how clear the sky really is.
Ever since that day, mankind has had a debt to Doncaster Rovers and although the club is back in League Two, I’m sure things can only get better. 22
TRUMP ON ROVERS IT’LL TAKE MORE THAN BEING US PRESIDENT TO STOP DONALD TRUMP SHARING HIS THOUGHTS ON ROVERS Thank you. Thank you, Doncaster. That’s really great. Really great. It really is. I’ve said it before , you know, but I continue to have a great deal of respect for you, the hard-working people of Doncaster. Together I think we can really make Doncaster great again, you know that.
And then you get these ‘officials’. Each appeal turned down. A new low. And it’s real sad, you know. Real sad. Like this guy at Crawley. This assistant referee guy, assistant referee. Assistant. Not even the main guy, you know, just an assistant. Anyway, this guy, this assistant, he gave Crawley like twenty percent of the offsides in our game. You know what offside is, right? This thing called disallowed goals like lots of things are done with offside, including some bad things. And this assistant he gave Crawley twenty percent of the offsides. Made us all look like a bunch of jerks.
OK now, I know there’s been some stories lately. Stories put out there by our opponents who can’t stand that they’re losing to us so bad. Stories that have then been picked up by the lying media, you know., because that’s what they do. But these stories – and that’s what they are, you know, stories – they’re saying we’ve not been winning as hard lately. That we’ve been drawing, maybe even losing. But that’s all fake news. Fake news. We’re still winning, still winning, let me tell you. We are still winning and winning so hard.
So we didn’t score at Crawley, but we did stop them scoring. A complete shut-out; absolute shut-out. Probably the greatest shut-out any team has ever done, you know. I don’t think anyone has ever shut out a team as good as we shut out Crawley. The best shut-out I’m told.
OK, look. No-one could’ve known there would be 46 games in a season. No-one. None of us could’ve seen that coming. None of us could’ve anticipated just how many games there would be in this season – or how hard that would be. We keep having to jump through these hoops and play game after game; all because our opponents won’t accept that they lost. Forty-six games, 46. What is that? That’s like the most any team has ever played, and they’re making us play them all; all of them.
And that’s why Donald J Trump is calling for a complete shutdown of goals entering our goal until our players can figure out what is going on. There’s evidence, real evidence that a number of our enemies agree that goals against our team, in our net, are justified as part of their ongoing attacks. We can’t stand for this. Not at all, and that’s why I’m calling for this shutout, whilst we make Doncaster great again. Thank you! Thank you! 23
JACK THE MINER’S COAL FACE JACK THE MINER JUST CAN’T ESCAPE FOOTBALL-INTERVIEW-SPEAK In the unlikely event I’d be invited to take part in Room 101, the first object I’d want to be locked away for eternity is the decline of the English language. The nation that spawned the genius of William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and Dylan Thomas shouldn’t have to suffer any of its population inserting the word ‘like’ three times into one sentence.
So, Teresa May, after the Brexit debacle, you’re the new Prime Minister. Can you talk us through it? TM ‘Well, they asked me to get out there, put myself about a bit, make a nuisance of myself and maybe nick it. And that’s what I did. I’ve seen Cameron go off to the right and Corbyn on the left, so I’ve held things up a bit and looked down the line, maybe got a bit of luck there, but timed it just nice.’
Presumably Shakespeare would rewrite his Macbeth soliloquy as ‘And he’s like, ‘Is this like, a dagger, which I see before me’, and I’m like...whatever’
How do you think Cameron will feel about the way things turned out?
And don’t get me started on the ‘should of ’ instead of ‘should have’. And by the way, don’t even think about writing a letter to The Times or e-mailing the fanzine editor about my using the word and to start a sentence. Professor Jack Lynch, Associate Professor of English, Rutgers University, New Jersey said, ‘Contrary to what your high school English teacher told you, there’s no reason not to begin a sentence with ‘but’ or ‘and’; in fact, these words often make a sentence more forceful and graceful.’ You mess with the Lynchmeister at your peril. Worse still is the fashion for people in high places to adopt football interview speak. Our language is in serious trouble. Just look at this recent interview with our own Prime Minister.
TM ‘He’ll be a bit disappointed, to be fair. As I said, he’s put in a shift and given it a hundred and ten percent but it’s not come off for him and he might feel that the better team lost, but that’s politics.’ And you? How do you feel about the rest of your term and the Brexit situation? TM ‘To be honest, I’m just taking one set of negotiations at a time.’ You’ve got to be confident though? TM ‘Well, I’ve a lot of faith in the lads. The spirit in the camp is good but there are no easy talks at this level. The Europeans won’t just roll over. 24
IMcK ‘Look, when he gets it right he is fabulous and he’s got that in his locker. He’s top drawer and you’ve seen glimpses of that out there today. He’s had to scrap it out but he’ll learn from that and come back stronger.’ And you’ve attracted some huge crowds whilst filming. IMcK ‘Oh yes, I thought the support we got was first-class today. They deserve better, but Patrick will come back fighting.’
TM ‘We’ve got to earn the right to be there but we know it won’t be easy at their place. They’ll get in our faces and the crowd will be on their side but if we win an argument early doors it’s all to play for.’
So no thoughts of quitting then? IMcK ‘Ultimately, I will be judged on results. And we all want what’s best for this movie but I’ve never walked away from anything in my life, and I’m not going to start now.’
And how do you feel about getting them back here?
So, you don’t feel under pressure?
TM ‘They’ve made it difficult for us so far and all credit to them but got to fancy our chances at our gaff. They won’t fancy it at our place under the lights on a cold Tuesday night in Westminster.’
IMcK ‘Look, at the end of the day, I’m just taking one scene at a time, focussing on all the things we’ve worked on in rehearsal and making sure we bring that onto the set.’
Perhaps the PM can justify it. Maybe she is trying to appeal to the man in the street. Sir Ian McKellen, legendary stage and screen actor, is at it too. Surely he should be maintaining a higher standard, but look at this extract from an interview on Film 2017.
Looking further ahead should we expect the film to win any awards? IMcK ‘I don’t want to criticise the judges but they’ll feel they let themselves down when they see the replay if they don’t.’ So, we can expect an Oscar or two?
Sir Ian, you’re shooting a new X-Men movie. Is it good to be back on set?
IMcK ‘Well, I’ve seen them given.’
IMcK ‘Yes, it’s been absolutely marvellous. I couldn’t be prouder of the lads today.’
PS For the record, my second item going into Room 101, as if anyone actually gives a stuff, is a toss up between Fearne Cotton and Richard Madeley.
Although I understand Patrick Stewart keeps forgetting his lines. 25
VOICE OF THE POP SIDE OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO SEE ROVERS WIN AWAY FOR JOHN COYLE
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‘There’s no place like home,’ goes the old saying, but for the football fan little beats a good away day. I was reminded of this recently when I saw Rovers win at both Notts County and Barnet. Two cracking days out with an excellent atmosphere served up by the Rovers travelling army. It made me think about the best away days I’ve enjoyed as a Rovers fan and I’ve come up with six personal favourites, listed in reverse order. One point I should stress: by away day, I mean on the opponent’s home ground. Excellent days out as they were, that means the Britannia, the Millennium and Wembley don’t make the list.
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30 January 1999
Kettering Town 0 Rovers 1 Conference
In the week before this game Ken Richardson, the former Rovers ‘benefactor’ had been found guilty of conspiracy to commit arson, namely trying to burn down Belle Vue’s main stand. Pre-match, in the pub, we hatched a plan. Someone was deputed to ask the home club to play The Prodigy’s Firestarter over the PA. To their credit, Kettering were only too willing to comply. The game, against the then leaders of the Conference wasn’t bad and in the last minute Ian Duerden snatched the winner. Fun all round.
5 November 1977
Halifax Town 0 Rovers 1
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League Division Four
15 April 1995
Scunthorpe United 0 Rovers 5 League Division Three
This was the time when Rovers would rock up at Glanford Park, garner three points and celebrate as we headed back down the A18. However, this was different gravy. Both sides were on the fringes of the play-offs but you wouldn’t have guessed it in the first half. Steve Harper was on fire, setting up Mickey Norbury for the opener. After Scunthorpe missed a penalty Lee Warren made it 2-0 from a Graeme Jones centre. Then Harper latched onto Warren’s through ball and scored with a cheeky nutmeg on the home ‘keeper.
They say you never forget the first time, but my initial away trip is best forgotten, a 3-0 hammering at Valley Parade against Bradford City in April 1970. It took me seven years to see my first away win, on Guy Fawkes Day 1977 at the Shay. In a rather uneventful match Chris Jones, the former Huddersfield Town striker, scored the only goal in the second half. We were on our way at last. 26
The second half belonged to Norbury who slammed home the fourth in front of the ecstatic Rovers army then completed his hat-trick after a ball was deflected into his path by the referee. 5-0 in a local derby and an assist for the ref; hard to beat that.
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After Paul Barnes had equalised an early Chester goal, Warrington produced a series of stunning saves, the best a one-handed tip around to thwart substitute Cameron as the clock ran down. Extra time produced no goals so it was on to penalties and there was big Andy again, saving Cameron’s kick to secure a trip to the final. On the way home I passed a signpost to Warrington. I gave thanks.
9 August 2008
Derby County 0 Rovers 1 Championship
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Back in the second tier after 50 years, and although I was struggling to walk as I awaited a major knee operation, I wasn’t missing this for anything. Rovers couldn’t have had a tougher start, facing a team that had been relegated from the Premier League the season before, albeit with a wretchedly-low points tally. There were over 3,000 Rovers fans in a crowd of over 33,000 and they were determined to party, whatever the outcome. It was almost like a continuation of that day at Wembley a few months before. On the hour Brian Stock whipped in a free-kick, Lewis Guy touched the ball home and we celebrated like we’d won the league already. We did hold on to win the game though, and the Rovers were very much back in the big time.
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27 April 2013
Brentford 0 Rovers 1 League One
So to the ultimate away day of them all. A draw would send Rovers up: a win would do it for Brentford instead. I caught an early train, enjoyed a drink in London and headed to the ground. There is a pub on every corner at Griffin Park and every one was rammed. You could feel the sense of anticipation and tension in the air. I settled for a couple of cans of Polish lager from an off-licence. The game had few chances and just at the point when Rovers’ mission seemed accomplished, a home attack and a penalty. Neil Sullivan tried to get into taker Marcello Trotta’s head and succeeded. The kick slammed against the bar, Rovers cleared to Billy Paynter who crossed for James Coppinger to score the winner. Just as I learned that Bournemouth had only drawn and so we were up as Champions.
5 May 2003.
Chester City 1 Rovers 1
(Rovers won 4-3 on penalties) Conference Play-Off Semi Final 2nd Leg
You could tell this was going to be big when the Deva Stadium’s caterers ran out of pies an hour before kickoff – a situation that should lead to an automatic points deduction. The first leg at Belle Vue had finished 1-1 and Rovers fans were confident we could complete the job here. In fact, Rovers owed their success to one man, goalkeeper Andy Warrington.
It took me a long time to get home that day, a highlight being watching the action again in the station bar at Marylebone. You really couldn’t top that for an away day.
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LAZARUS COMES FORTH HAVE THE WHEELS COME OFF, OR IS THE BUS JUST SHIFTING GEAR? LAZARUS TAKES A LOOK ‘The wheels have come off the bus now, Ferguson! Rubbish!’ I wrote an article previously about Miserable Old Guy, my nearby quintessential Rovers pessimist, and how little he seemed to be enjoying this season. As I write this, our points-perfect January has given way to a February of three draws and a loss, reducing our cushion over fourth to a meagre eleven points. Naturally, MOG has been a leading champion of the rabid cabal of fans declaring this situation to be a ‘crisis’ and eagerly denouncing any cause for hope. The supposed ‘reasoning’ for this comes from a sense of déjà vu. Twelve months ago, Rovers were caught up in that baffling streak of 17 games without a win which was ultimately the catalyst for relegation.
‘We always mess things up! We never get that little bit of luck we need!’ He cries, free from any memory of, say, the Brentford game. Poor Darren Ferguson, trying his best to keep the runaway bus at top speed, when after five straight wins all it takes is a single goal for the wheels to come off. Admittedly, one of my favourite pastimes of late has been revisiting those fans who were screaming for Ferguson’s P45 a year ago, and asking them how he’s done this season.
Given back then I was widely berated for suggesting he should be given time to build his own squad, it’s remarkable how many are now claiming how proud they are their club doesn’t do kneejerk sackings and gave Ferguson time to build his own squad. Then again, it’s not as if MOG is a lone voice in the wind. Anyone who braves the #DRFC Twitter hashtag or any Rovers Facebook page will see comments citing last season’s capitulation or a recurring trend for finishing seasons badly. In fairness, they’re balanced out with some optimism too - journalist Liam Hoden has promised to bare his arse at Clock Corner if we don’t go up - but can any Rovers fan honestly claim to be disappointed at being top of the league with just over a dozen games to go? Given the widely stated ambition for an immediate return to League One, it could well be that our current state is the very least we should expect. But even though there have been several occasions this season where Rovers have ridden their luck, I find it very difficult to define our overall performance so far as a failure, or current situation as a crisis.
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Managers can only be judged properly when they’re given freedom to build their own empire. Those who simply act as proxies for egotistical chairmen, or find themselves answering to Directors Of Football or Transfer Committees, are little more than blunt instruments enjoying employment while they can, because invariably they become dispensable at the first signs of trouble. ‘Nothing personal,’ they’ll be told, ‘just a business decision,’ and the redundancy payment will doubtless take the sting out of any wounds to their pride. While many a manager has made a decent living out of this particular merry-go-round, such zero-sum games rarely result in anything that could be considered progress.
But rather than trying to facilitate the removal of the bus’s wheels, just because the road has gotten a little bumpy, isn’t it better to appreciate how far we’ve come? I’m not alone in equating this season to Rovers’ ‘Arsenal of the north’ era, and the absence of existential dread hanging over every game has been refreshing. There are potential signs of something very special beginning to evolve. Rovers have been playing with confidence, flair, and occasionally a ruthless efficiency, so whilst it hasn’t always been pretty, mostly we’ve succeeded in turning what, historically, would have been losses into draws, and draws into wins. And regardless of our league position, nobody could seriously argue that we aren’t a vastly superior team to last season in every department.
Ferguson’s reign at Rovers has not been problem-free, and whilst his recruitment policy has been mostly excellent, it’s not been without occasional misfires. But using this as evidence for some underlying incompetence is grossly unfair. Anyone expecting perfection from their team is always going to be disappointed. The obvious question to ask Ferguson’s doubters is ‘Who should be manager instead?’ which always brings up a nice spectrum of responses. Some remain convinced Kevin Keegan is the answer to all our problems, despite only being in work for half a season since 2005. Some still hanker back to Sean O’Driscoll’s glory days, others want Neil Warnock to ignore his annual plea from the Championship and come save us instead, while one guy in particular is still adamant we should’ve chosen Michael Appleton over Paul Dickov, as if he had a time machine that could make that happen.
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These changes haven’t come about by chance, nor are they simply the effect of Rovers ‘toying about in some Mickey Mouse league they’re too good for’ to borrow a phrase I overheard from one disgruntled punter after another home win. Like it or not, Ferguson and his backroom staff deserve credit for what they’ve done so far, and hence they now deserve our trust and support for whatever comes next. The road ahead is always bumpy – all you need is a little perspective to be able to see that. Yes, maybe one day those bumps could remove the wheels from the bus, or maybe a bigger, shinier bus might happen along to tempt our driver away to better things. But until such days do come, maybe it’s best to sit back and enjoy the ride. Because whatever the future holds, until then it’s nice to know that we’re at least travelling in the right direction.
THE GARY BRABIN MEMORIAL LOUNGE JAMES McMAHON ON THE ECHOES OF MARK WEAVER AND KEN RICHARDSON AT LEYTON ORIENT The other Saturday, stood under the scaffold at Clapton FC, the much talked about Clapton Ultras bellowing out some vaguely forgotten nineties pop hit, cleverly reworked to express the groups commendable collective anti-fascist stance, I heard a name I’ve thought about often, but haven’t heard spoken out loud in years.
‘So I was watching this old Doncaster Rovers documentary on YouTube the other day,’ said my friend Andrew Conquest, sipping from a can of cheap Polish lager. ‘Tell me about Mark Weaver. What a whopper…’ Conquest is a Leyton Orient fan. Chances are you’ve heard that Leyton Orient are having a pretty shitty time. As a Rovers fan exiled to London, I’ve been watching Orient for eight years or so now. A desire to watch regular football hooked me in, at a time when I hadn’t the money to travel and watch Rovers as much as I do now. Sean Thornton kept me there. The last couple of years have seen two fixtures per-season that has necessitated me going for a long walk on said Saturdays. But becoming a two-team man isn’t so complicated, really. I want Rovers to beat everyone. I want Orient to beat everyone that isn’t Rovers.
It wasn’t just the mercurial Thornton that sold Orient to me. Geographically the two clubs might be a couple of hundred miles or so apart. But spiritually, they’re more or less the same club. Small but loved, proud and plucky. Forgetting the eight goals they put past us in December 1997 – and we sort of put that abomination to bed upon our first meeting back in the League in 2003, running out 3-1 victors that day – it’s pretty hard to find all that much about Leyton Orient to dislike. I’m a bit worried about Conquest. It seems to me that he’s doing very little in his life right now other than watching documentaries about crisis clubs on YouTube. He let slip at the match he’d recently watched a Luton one. And of course, Orient’s notorious Club For A Fiver documentary from 1995, ‘And you can bring yer dinner...’ and all that, is already up there. Andrew, like a lot of people I’ve seen down at Orient this season, is currently experiencing feelings Rovers fans haven’t felt in a long time, feelings I hope I never feel again. The possibility that their football club, the fulcrum around which so many of us base our lives, may at some point cease to be.
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Here’s a confession; I think about Mark Weaver often. I probably think about Mark Weaver more than Ken Richardson in truth. Richardson was an ephemeral evil to me. Weaver was the ferryman, tasked to carrying us over the Styx to beezlebub, out of sight (most likely affixing Groucho Marx disguises to racehorses, or something like that). In the stands or, eventually, in the dugout, Weaver was there. ‘Yes,’ I said, turning to Conquest. ‘Mark Weaver was an absolute whopper…’
Only this guy, he doesn’t even have the decency to find his own Mark Weaver. Someone to face the music, to give us someone to shout at.
The parallels with Rovers and the London club continue with parallels in the boardroom. For Ken Richardson, consider current Orient ‘President’ Francesco Becchetti. An inept, vain, arrogant, deeply malicious man, he – to my knowledge, doesn’t play with matches – his preferred tools of destruction being neglect and spite. But in all the aforementioned ways, the two men share their DNA. There is after all a type when it comes to the men who plunge football clubs into crisis. It takes a certain kind of person to disregard hundreds of years of support, family ties, shared emotions, community value, for the needs of their singular self.
I’ve always believed in solidarity between football fans. I still believe, now more than ever. If it wasn’t already twenty years ago, it is now abundantly clear that British football’s governing bodies do not care about the clubs whose names do not twinkle under the Premier Leagues glitzy lights. The only people who can fight for the institutions that mean so much to us, are we; the people. We are many. They are few. And there aren’t many football fans that exist now, that don’t know that what happened at Rovers, Wimbledon, Stockport, Leeds, Swansea, Brighton and more; what’s happening at Orient, Blackburn, Coventry, Charlton and more, is something they are not immune to. Even Manchester United fans had that season where they all wore those silly scarves.
Becchetti hasn’t been seen at Orient since last November, his nose seemingly put out of joint by a peaceful protest regarding the running of the club, that a couple of hundred Orient fans shared with visiting Blackpool; the Tangerines no stranger to this kind of thing. It appears that he hasn’t paid the bills in even longer. Orient have until 20 March to pay £250,000 in tax. Nobody has seen Becchetti – or heard from him either. Like Ken Richardson, he’s become an ephemeral sort of evil.
Leyton Orient Fans Trust have started a Gofundme, for any firefighting that might be required in the months ahead. Go chuck them a few quid at gofundme.com/saveorient. As I said to Conquest the other Saturday, ‘I know exactly what you’re going through.’
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CONFERENCE CALLS THE OFT-FORGOTTEN ROBERT GILL IS THE FOCUS OF CHRIS KIDD’S LATEST REMINISCENCE Robert Gill arrived at Rovers in the summer of 2000, initially joining the Youth team, after being released by Nottingham Forest. A year later Gill signed professional terms and started to feature on the fringe of the first team. It was March 2001 when Gill finally scored his first goal for Rovers, finding the net in an away game at Nuneaton as Rovers won 3-2. Two more goals followed before the end of March, Gill scoring at Belle Vue in the home wins over both Hayes and Chester respectively.
ROBERT GILL FACT FILE BORN: 10 February 1982 ROVERS APPEARANCES: ROVERS GOALS:
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DEBUT: 18.08.01 v Farnborough Town As that line-up shows, Rovers were without key players over Christmas that year – Paul Green, Ricky Ravenhill, Steve Foster – but showed their promotion credentials with the depth of the squad. Scarborough’s line-up included former Rover Neil Campbell, and I still recall two blokes in front of me in the away end wearing scary masks, proclaiming to be the man himself. The pantomime villain didn’t disappoint, getting sent off towards the end of the game.
Of course, the magic season of 200203 followed, with Gill getting his first of the season in a 5-1 demolition of Dagenham and Redbridge shown live on Sky Sports. After enduring something of a lean spell in front of goal after that Gill duly hit his stride in the winter, hitting seven goals in nine games between the FA Cup defeat at Bournemouth in November and an away trip to Barnet in January.
In the spring, opportunities for Gill would become limited as Dave Penney preferred to pair Paul Barnes with Tris Whitman, and then added Gregg Blundell to the mix before the season’s end.
Within that run came a brace in the Boxing Day battering of Scarborough, and it would be remiss of me not to take the opportunity to revisit that famous day out at the seaside. A McCain Stadium packed with just under 3,500 fans full of beer and turkey, almost half of them in the away end as the Rovers faithful roared their side – Warrington, Mustafa, Sarge, Shooooot, Barrick, Paterson, Hudson, Owen, Beech, Barney and Gill – on to a thumping 5-2 win.
Promoted via the play-offs Rovers strengthened for Division Three, with Leo Fortune-West arriving to partner Gregg Blundell. Consequently Gill dropped down the pecking order and the potential he had shown was forgotten. After loan spells at Chester and Burton, Gill left Rovers in 2004 and struggled to make an impression elsewhere, sliding down the divisions to end his football career at Hucknall in 2011. 32
COACH' S CORNER 7pm Eaststanders
I’M BACK AGAIN, BACK AGAIN, ONCE MORE, YEP, ONCE MORE, THAT’S IT, THAT’S IT. BACK AGAIN, FOR A SECOND TIME, SECOND TIME!! SECOND TIME!!!! WRITING ANOTHER COLUMN FOR THE FANZINE FOR YOU TO READ IT! READ IT! COME ON READ IT! READ IT MAN! READ IT!
[Long-running downbeat soap opera] This week Bert has finally had enough of ‘this tippity-tappety football’ and is vowing to ‘not bother coming down here again until they bloody shoot’. There’s trouble brewing in the concourse where Cyril can’t believe he’s had to pay £2.10 for a cup of tea, and with the team still undefeated at home poor Frank faces the startling reality that things might actually not be that bad after all.
SO, LETTERS ON THE PAGE. ON THE PAGE. THAT’S IT, ON THE PAGE. KEEP IT ON THE PAGE ROVERS. ON THE PAGE. LETTERS AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. WORDS NOW. WORDS THIS TIME. WORDS AGAIN! WORD! SINGULAR THAT TIME, NOW MORE WORDS, BIT OF A SHOW FOR THE READERS. SHOW FOR THEM, SHOW FOR THEM! SHOW FOR THEM FIRST TIME FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!
7.30pm Orange is the New Black
[Gritty drama] Doncaster Rovers get set to launch yet another new away kit.
8pm LawLor Land
[Musical film] Marco, an aspiring goalkeeper, works part-time in a café, whilst Ross, another would-be keeper scrapes by attempting (failing) to juggle. Thrust together their relationship is tested as they chase the dream of first team football for Doncaster as a goalkeeper in what is currently known as Lawlor Land.
LAST PARAGRAPH NOW READERY, LAST ONE. GO STEADY WITH IT! NOTHING SILLY! JUST GIVE THIS AND GO. GIVE IT AND GO. TAKE YOUR TIME… TAKE YOUR TIME… READ AND GO, READ AND GO. READ IT, THAT’S IT… AND GO. THAT’S IT. BETTER. EASY. EASY. EASY!!!!! AND… WOAH! WOAH!!! HOLD! DON’T TURN THE PAGE NOW! NO TURN! NO TURN THERE! NO! NO TURN! WHERE YOU GOING MAN?! COME ON, HEY! NO TURN!
10pm Harry’s Game
[Drama adaptation] Set against the backdrop of deep division, this intense drama serialises Harry Midldeton’s recent start against Accrington Stanley.
10.30pm You Are What You Eat
[Exploitative documentary] This week Jonathan Pearce tucks into a plate of irritating, unyielding hyperbolic noise. 33
FROM BENEATH THE STATUE GLEN WILSON THINKS IT’S ABOUT TIME ROVERS HAD A DECENT NICKNAME Maverick. Whenever I think of nicknames I think of Maverick. It was 2003, possibly even 2004. Lincoln. The University football club trials. By virtue of no-one else being quite arsed, I’d been tasked with taking the names of the eager would-be Varsity footballers. Three columns; ‘name’, ‘position’ and ‘notes’ in which I mostly write a description of what they’re wearing for ease of reference, or – in the case of anyone deigning to describe their position as ‘Libero’ or ‘free role’ – I’d dawb the word ‘knobhead’. Anyway, midway down the line my question of ‘Name?’ was met with the response ‘Maverick’. ‘That’s an odd one, is that first name or surname?’ ‘Neither, it’s my nickname’. I have always lived by the mantra that no good can come from anyone who introduces themselves by their nickname; they will undoubtedly be arseholes. Overly keen to present a persona, rather than themselves; a self-perceived life and soul of the party – over familiar but never close – the sort of prick who’ll give you the wink and the gun before fucking off (all too briefly) to the bogs. Think Clem off the Footbal League Show, and you’ll be picturing Maverick, only with less troublesome hair. Safe to say Maverick didn’t prove to be an exception to my rule - just a damning embodiment of it.
Now, whilst self-appointed nicknames are undoubtedly a force for evil; proper, well-appointed nicknames are the opposite. In that same University football team I played centre-half alongside Housewives’ Choice, a name borne out of two nights out in close succession where he found himself chatting to the mother of the bride in a Hen Party. Sadly, in professional football, the age of the great player nickname appears to be behind us; a fact reiterated to me twice in the past fortnight, firstly through the sad passing of Everton legend Alex Young, known to Evertonians as The Golden Vision (The Golden chuffing Vision! Now that’s a nickname you give at a football trial!), and secondly in a quiet moment during last Saturday’s draw at Crawley when I heard Andy Butler yell ‘Away, Frenchy!’ at Mathieu Baudry. Fucking ‘Frenchy’. My face has been in a permanent cringe since I heard it, just imagining the glee in the face of whoever coined it. ‘You know, ‘cause he’s French, in’t he’. In Italy there’s none of that shit. No, they do a good nickname – think the Gentle Giant, the White Feather, the Divine Ponytail. Great, thought out, descriptive nicknames; admittedly a bit of a bugger to yell if you’re trying to encourage an urgent clearance, but beautiful none the less. 34
And that Roman lyricism extends on to their clubs as well, with Juventus known as La Vecchia Signora (the Old Lady) and the Mussi Volanti (The Flying Donkeys) of Chievo.
In ditching their Biscuitmen moniker so as to openly forelock tug in the direction of Windsor Castle as the Royals, Reading abandoned a fine collection of football clubs whose nickname derives from their town’s principal industry. Beyond the Football League’s Chairboys (Wycombe) and Glovers (Yeovil) there is a veritable Yellow Pages Old Testament of Silkmen (Macclesfield), Glassboys (Stourbridge) and Nailers (Belper). Proper nicknames that celebrate a town’s heritage, and a bygone age when if you wanted to keep your hands warm you had to trek all the way to Somerset.
Such pride in a historical nickname, puts us deeply to shame. More than once this year alone, I have seen Doncaster Rovers documented as ‘The Vikings’. I can see the reasoning, after all our club badge is one, but there is marked over-sight in this. And that is, no-one has ever once actually referred to the club as The Vikings out loud. No-one. I’ve never heard it. I once heard an errant ‘Come on you Superhoops!’ from the Pop Side years ago, but never a ‘Come on t’Vikings’. Not even when we giving away the helmets; not even when had a big foam one hanging about with Donny Dog the other season.
But the list doesn’t end there, because there’s one glaring omission; The Butterscotchmen. And which club could’ve earned such a sweet, sweet nickname. Yep, you’ve probably guessed it; us. Doncaster Rovers are the Buttercotchmen, or at least they were at the turn of the 20th century. According to our own Voice of the Pop Side, John Coyle; with butterscotch – a Doncastrian invention – by then popular the world over, local journalists began referring to Rovers as The Butterscotchmen in their match reports. ‘Butterscotchmen licked again’, that kind of thing.
Incidentally, when did Donny Rover – as was his original name, hence him being a dog – become Donny Dog? When was that ushered in? When did we all become so complicit in this rebrand? If the powers that be can sneak that one through on us, no wonder they’ve been able to slowly dismantle the NHS. So if not the Vikings then what? Who are we? The Reds? The Rovers? Donny? All concise, all uttered, but all inherently dull and about as inspired as fucking Frenchy. I’ve always been jealous of those British clubs who’ve got a proper nickname, something that marks them out as different, something unique to their town and their history; Montrose’s Gable Endies or Brechin City’s Hedgmen, or Reading’s sadly abandoned Biscuitmen.
So, with that in mind, here and now, I’m launching the campaign. No more Vikings, no more ‘Donny’, no more ‘Superhoops’ even. It’s time to embrace the history of our town and our club in one fell swoop, and kill two birds with a particularly sugary stone. It’s time to lay down your single entendre and the painfully literal, and God knows is it time we showed we can do better than fucking ‘Frenchy’. It’s time, to say goodbye to your teeth. It’s time, to Bring Back the Butterscotchmen! Who’s with me? 35
WINDMILLS OF YOUR MIND DUTCH UNCLE CASTS HIS STATISTICAL EYE OVER ROVERS’ PENALTY PROWESS Penalties have been a subject of much discussion this season. Rovers have been awarded no fewer than 13 at the time of writing; seven of them converted by Liam Mandeville (four), Tommy Rowe (two) and John Marquis (one) with a wasteful six missed. Have Rovers been awarded so many penalties in a season before? Have so many different players in a season taken one? And have we ever missed so many?
If we accept these figures, the clear leading penalty scorer of all time is Tom Keetley with 20, all scored in the Football League. He is followed by Michael McIndoe with 16 (14 League), Jamie Paterson 12 (10 League/ Conference) and Peter Doherty, who perhaps used his managerial status to claim penalty taking rights to score 11 League penalties and one in the FA Cup. It’s interesting to compare the number of penalties scored by Rovers players who scored 30 goals in a season. In three successive seasons between 1926 and 1929 Tom Keetley scored 37, 36 and 41 goals of which five, five and three respectively were successful penalties. However, when Clarrie Jordan set the all-time Rovers season scoring record of 44 goals in 194647 he did so without scoring a single penalty.
Some of these questions are impossible to answer with 100% certainty, given records are incomplete and often inconsistent. I am, for example, unaware of any thorough records kept of penalties awarded to Rovers and subsequently missed. And many sources, such as Supporters’ Club Handbooks and the Rothmans (latterly Sky) Annuals, do not always record whether a goal scored was from a penalty or not.
Similarly, of the 39 goals which made Alick Jeffrey the leading scorer in the country in 1964-65 none came from the penalty spot. Alfie Hale was Rovers penalty-taker that season, as he had been in 1962-63 when Colin Booth scored 38 goals, also with no penalties. The only other occasion a Rovers player has struck 30 times in a season was in 1949-50; Peter Doherty managerial influence ensuring five of his 30 goals were from twelve yards.
Even the source I would consider to be by far the best and most trusted – Tony Bluff ’s Complete History of Doncaster Rovers from 2010 – has a few errors. Nevertheless, I have been able to identify a total of 311 penalties scored by Rovers in Football League and Conference matches since the club’s inaugural Football League season of 1901-02, as well as a further 42 scored in various national Cup competitions and play-offs. Though the true figure may be slightly more or less. 36
The highest number of penalties scored by Rovers in a single League season is nine, courtesy of Les Robinson (six) and Vince Brockie (three) in 1989-90. Joe Laidlaw holds the record for highest number of League penalties in a season by one player, scoring eight in eight in 197778. Expand that to all competitions and the 2005-06 season takes both honours, with 12 scored in total, 10 of them by Michael McIndoe (six league, two FA Cup, two League Cup).
Finally on spot-kicks, it’s worth noting this season has seen no fewer than three penalty shoot-outs, the first time this has happened in our history. The one successful shootout against Derby and the two unsuccessful ones against Port Vale and Blackpool means Rovers’ overall shoot-out record reads eight won and eight lost. Naturally, I cannot let this moment pass without reminding Rovers fans of our first ever penalty shoot-out which occurred in a League Cup match way back in August 1976. After two legs had failed to separate Rovers and Lincoln City in their first round tie, a third match was played at the City Ground. Still inseparable after extratime the game went to a shoot-out, the first ever in the competition, which Rovers won 3-2.
As for the most number of players to score a penalty in a season, discounting shoot-outs, that belongs to 1990-91, when Vince Brockie (three), Rufus Brevett, Eddie Gormley, David Harle, Brendan Ormsby and Lee Turnbull all scored from the spot. At the other end of the spectrum, if sources are to be trusted, Rovers did not score a single penalty in 1901-02, 1947-48, 1974-75 or 1987-88.
Having been a feature of more recent competitions such as the Associate Members’ Cup and Football League Play-Offs since their launch in 1983 and 1987 respectively, as well as having been adopted by the FA Cup in 1991-92, it’s hard to imagine a time when shoot-outs were not common. But prior to 1976 their use had been largely experimental in England, featuring only in the 1970 pre-season Watney Cup tournament, the 197172 FA Cup third place play-off, and the 1974 Charity Shield. As such, it’s more than fair, in my view, for Rovers to claim to be the first club to win a shootout in a proper English football competition.
As for the question over missed penalties; although I can find no comprehensive data, I do have a good idea of penalties missed since 2008. I believe in those last eight seasons Rovers have missed a total of just eight, which would suggest it surprising if we have ever missed five in a season before. The two penalties scored by Liam Mandeville in one game in November (vs Leyton Orient) saw him match a feat only previously achieved by six players; Tom Keetley (1926-27), Norman Curtis (1960-61 in the FA Cup), John Regan (1968-69), Ian Snodin (1982-83), David Roche (199495) and Nathan Tyson (2014-15). Rovers also scored two penalties in a 2-0 win over Bristol Rovers in 2008, but from the boots of two separate men; Paul Heffernan and Brian Stock.
Caveat - no figures quoted in this article are official. Dutch Uncle uses many sources including club handbooks, Rothmans/Sky annuals, and best of all the Official Rovers History by Bluff & Watson.
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REG IPSA: LEGAL BEAGLE BECAUSE HIS AA MEETING HAS BEEN MOVED TO MONDAY OUR LEGAL EXPERT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS BUTLER DID IT
BOG OFF
Dear Reg,
Dear Reg,
I went to my mate’s divorce party as she said a naked butler would be there. I quite fancy Andy so was excited at the prospect, but our centre half was nowhere to be seen and it turned out to be some muscle bound bloke in just an apron. Anyway, one bottle of tequila later, the apron was off and so was my clobber. He keeps ringing me inviting me to his penthouse flat. In Mexborough. He looks like Roy off Corrie. Any tips on how to get rid of him?
With Rovers doing well my other half has said if we get promoted he’s taking me on a Riviera holiday. Can you tell me flower, how far from Cannes is Bognor Regis? And will I need Euros, and injections n that?
Esme Dresson, Intake
REG RESPONDS You’re not the first to be lulled somewhere by the chance of seeing Amdy starkers and neither of us will be the last. I can’t get rid of him I’m afraid, but I can be your cheap cab over to Mexborough. My Vauxhall Chevette might fail its MOT so I could do with the money. £10, and a bag of chips whilst I wait outside, OK?
Ida Atlas, Armthorpe
REG RESPONDS What a treat, you lucky cow. They even have a Butlins there. I wouldn’t bother packing any Euros Ida. But if it’s June when you go maybe take a scarf.
STAR LETTER Dear Reg,
SHORT SHRIFT Dear Reg, At the beginning of the season I told my husband if Rovers got promoted I’d indulge him and dress up as Harley Quinn off of Suicide Squad. I’ve got to honour the bet. Problem is he’s 85 and I’m 83 and I’d feel a right chuff buying hot pants down the Edinburgh Woollen Mill. Can you help? Sue Isidezkwod, Campsall
REG RESPONDS
I remember having to I like to chat up women, but give up drink for a bet can’t help lying when pissed. when Sunderland beat Leeds in the FA Cup. Anyway, long story short, Worst day of my life, I need to get my hands on although arguably one a speed boat and a luxury of my more productive motor home... by Tuesday. ones. Anyway, my mate Any tips? Pervy Pete on the car Des Pret, Tickhill boot flogs stuff like that. He’s very discreet. REG RESPONDS I’d spray what he buys you with Febreeze You can try and win Bullseye though. He finds most twice. Failing that, maybe of his stuff round the try going on the pull bins out the back of somewhere without a bar, Diamond Lounge. like Aldi, or Saudi Arabia. 38