January 18, 2013
Features presents...
The Phillipian
FEATURES
9
Big Blue Real Estate Helping you find your home away from home since around 2003
Exclusive Listings by Big Blue Real Estate Agents Max Sam Block, Mads Engel, Mikaela Rabb and Armaan Singh
Pearson Hall This building has so much more to it than meets the eye. Although it smells faintly like tomatillo, its rustic feel will give you all the loving you desire. Do you like taxidermy? So does this building. One-of-a-kind busts of famous Latin philosophers line its walls. There is so much knowledge and history to be learned within this building, as it has gained limitless wisdom since it was unveiled 18 years ago. Don’t let the fact that hundreds of students of all ages pass through daily detract you from Pearson; this architectural beauty will inspire you like the muse that it is. Includes: 3 0.5 baths, but watch out because the locks don’t work very well Cost: $300,000 in Roman denarii
Graves Hall Ever wanted to have a sound-proof home, replete with dark chambers and faulty water fountains? Well, now’s your chance! Graves Hall boasts its own library (kind of ), music “practice” rooms and a stone staircase! Graves’s best element, however, is undoubtedly is its sound-proof rooms, where you can bang on the drums and blow on the horns as loud as you can without fear of being heard. Of course, these rooms are not limited to the blowing and banging of instruments. For a short time only, if you call us within the next five minutes, we’ll throw in the dusty, antique Public Safety building for free! Hell, even if you don’t call within the next five minutes, you can take Double Brick off our hands! Includes a few very empty bathrooms and plenty of bedrooms Cost: a $2,000 Stradivarius violin
Memorial Bell Tower Want to be the next James Bond? The Memorial Bell Tower provides the perfect place to practice your spying skills. Not only does the tower provide the optimal place to observe invaders, it also boasts a great space for repelling practice. Ever wanted the power to control time? Never be late again, because with the Bell Tower, you can choose what time it is. Perks: finally meet Billy Joel, the mysterious piano man that lives inside the Bell Tower (but watch out, he’s guarded by the snaggletoothed chupacabra and the hunchbacked Cerberus)! You can even put bread in his jar! He is yours with purchase of the building. Do with him what you will—just make sure he’s there to ring the bells on the hour, every hour. And don’t bring baguettes into the building, for obvious reasons. Are there bathrooms in there? Cost: enough bread in Billy Joel’s jar
Oliver Wendell Holmes Library Stacked with enough knowledge to impress even the wisest owl, the Oliver Wendell Holmes Library (OWHL) is the place for you. Offering five levels of a romantic core, hundreds of linoleum-coated desks and an entire room where sound just does not exist, the library has something for everyone. Since food is not allowed, this is also a great place for people on a diet! It will really keep you from gaining that winter blubber, and it will help you focus on your studies enough to finally pull off that 2.5 you’ve been aiming for since Freshman year! Includes: 2 0.5 baths, plenty of toilet paper Cost: $16 in overdue library fees
Borden Gym Are you feeling fat, frustrated and a bit like Forrest Gump? Then you should consider buying the new and improved Borden gym! Borden gym offers facilities not seen since the 1930s, such as a pool and a door. For biology lovers, the Fitness Center is host to a variety of well-grown and cultivated infectious bacteria and viruses, including the Black Death. This quaint property is perfect for the DIY enthusiasts: it will need renovation for years to come. The high-tech locker rooms come equipped with plenty of clogged toilets, semi-warm showers and lockers that are big enough to fit a medium-sized freshman. Best of all, the gym is yours if you can float face-down in the pool for 30 minutes, so it is a purchase that is guaranteed not to break the bank. Even better, we’ll give it to you for nothing if you can get us a winning football team, no pool required. Includes four full baths and a few ellipticals Cost: passing the drownproofing test or enough HGH for the football team
Siberia Do you ever need a space to just go and relax, be yourself, maybe get in touch with the wilderness a little or hide a dead body if you’re into that kind of thing? Look no further than Siberia. Seriously, this place is just a dead zone. We’re pretty sure that you could test a nuke out there and the rest of campus would be unscathed. But a buyer’s beware: there could or could not be actual Siberian tigers living out there in symbiosis with a gaggle of lumpsuckers. We just don’t know at this point. If I were going out there, I’d definitely bring along some sort of high powered crossbow or, at the very least, a spear. Obviously, the Ray Gun is the first choice of weaponry if you can get your hands on one. It just depends if the mystery box is in a giving mood. Includes: the bushes—a.k.a. nature’s bathroom Cost: your spoon