A8
CRITICAL REEDIN’
8
CollegeBored
October 10, 2014
8
by Ellie Simon Unauthorized copying or reuse of any part of this page is frowned upon. Not illegal, but really frowned upon.
Section 8
Time - 0.02 min 2,014 Questions
Turn to Section 68.6 of your answer sheet. Did you do it? Yes? You’re so gullible.
NOTES
Directions: For this section, treat it like every other test ever and just answer the questions. It isn’t that hard. You may use any available space for scratch work, doodling The Phillipian logo, writing haikus, swearing in foreign languages, brainstorming top tens, etc. 1. The use of a calculator is permitted, but under no circumstance are you permitted to use a watch. You could save formulas on those. 2. All numbers are real numbers. If you see an imaginary number, calmly put down your pencil, raise your hand and allow your proctor to escort you to the nearest ACT site. 3. Figures that accompany problems in this test are intended to confuse you. They are drawn as accurately as possible to resurface traumatic memories of dark hours spent in geometry. 4. All figures have scales, EXCEPT when it is stated in a specific problem that the figure is not drawn with scale. In this scenario, the figure will wrap itself with fur to maintain body warmth. 5. The figures are alive. 6. Unless otherwise specified, assume that the domain of any figure is its natural habitat. Keeping that in mind, please respect the figures’ domains and clean up after yourself.
1. If Ellie has five cuts and Jack has four cuts, which of the following is ALWAYS true? Like always.
6. What can you make of
(A) (B) (C) (D) (E)
They done goofed up. They are both cut-ies ;) Neither is having a parietal Friday night. They cut too much slack, have an insufficient remainder. Rob, the traitor, has 0 cuts.
S
P
2.
Q
PQR, pictured below?
V
T
R
Note: Figure not drawn with scales. Avoid contact at all costs. (A) a ship
(B) a Deathly Hallows sign
(C) a mountain range
(D) a hat
(E) Ignore these mixed signals, and move on to the next question. Do not pass go, and do not collect $200.
3. If Jack has 100 pieces of candy, and he sees 30 hungry children, then what would be the best way to divide them?
(E) Chastity Belt Buckle
(A) Over relevant campus issues. (B) Tell the kids to go away so he can eat the candy himself. (C) Run a little competition we like to call the “Hunger Games.” (D) Give it to the popular kids, cause then maybe he can hang with them. (E) Equally!
7. Mike has a sack of marbles. In it, he has four green marbles, five red marbles, six yellow marbles, seven mixed marbles and seven ultra-violet marbles. Which of the following is a correct statement about Mike and his marbles?
4. Which of the following lines is straightest? (A) (B)
(A) Mike has bigger marbles than Ike. (B) Mike often leaves dates to play with his marbles. (C) Mike collects marbles. (D) Mike likes Ike. (E) Mike has lost his marbles.
(C) (D)
(E) Not enough information.
5. What is the best method of distributing the candy mentioned in number 3?
8. Jeremy begins at point A and walks two miles east to point B. He then turns, travelling north for three miles to point C. Finally, Jeremy turns again and travels two miles west to point D. Why the hell didn’t Jeremy just travel north one and a half miles originally, going directly from point A to point D?
(A) A sketchy white van... with no windows. (B) “Ice Cream” Truck (C) ‘Free’ “Fire Truck” Rides (D) Abbotween (E) Drone (A) (B) (C) (D) (E)
His nearsightedness doesn’t allow him to walk straight The College Board told him to There is a forest full of rabid centaurs between points A and D Who knows? Ask Jeremy! All of the above
This article originally appeared in The Phillipian Commencement Issue 2014
If you are caught continuing on to the next section, there will be severe consequences. Your test score will be switched with the dumbest dumbo in the room. Yes, him. Also, we’ll tell your mom. Good luck tomorrow! XOXO, FEATURES