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by Mickey Weems 2009 was the Year of the Homophobe. Gay marriage initiatives are losing almost everywhere, it seems. We had our wake-up call in 2008 when a majority of the good citizens of California voted against Gay marriage. Since then, it’s been downhill. Our Gay leaders have done everything to sugar-coat the issue, even dropping the G-word. Instead of “gay marriage” (contains the offensive word “gay”) or “same-sex marriage” (contains the offensive word “sex”), the preferred term is “marriage equality.” Like that was going to fool anybody. We tried showing America how beautiful our couples are. We portrayed LGBTQ families as wholesome. It didn’t matter. More often than not, homophobes don’t see “gay” as people. They see us as it - an incoherent mass of non-procreative sex acts. Defective, immoral, and inferior when compared to Straight.
ports of angry queers chasing the police, yelling, “GET ‘EM! FUCK ‘EM!” Women and men alike took to the streets and shouted, “GAY POWER!” But even “gay” was too much for some of us. The rainbow flag was also too scandalous, so some of our more timid and power-hungry siblings (HRC) decided to whitewash the gay right out of their movement, and restricted their colors to blue and yellow, leaving out communist red, tree-hugger green, flaming orange and that faggy, faggy shade of lavender. Pink, of course, was out of the question. Squares don’t like triangles. Years later, we can see for ourselves just how effective the HRC has been. Not. An Immodest Proposal One huge problem with Gay identity is Straight people’s obsession with SEX, same-SEX marriage, and homoSEXuals. They look at us and they see cocksuckers, carpet munchers, and fudge-packers. But we can use their fixation on sex to our advantage. Rather than pandering to their sensitivities, let’s capitalize on that obsession.
Not only is “gay” an insult among our youth (as in “Ugh, that’s so gay”), it’s also a punishment. When Major Nidal Malik Hasan murdered his fellow soldiers in Fort Hood, the reaction of American bigots was to accuse all Muslims. The solution: kick all openly Muslim military personnel out of the Armed Forces. In other Let’s fuck with homophobes by ridiculing their silly words, treat them like they were Gay. ideas based vaguely on sex, like the Defense of Marriage Act. No real surprise, this recent attempt at the gayification of Muslim Americans, since Muslims are beaten up If only Straights can get married because of the sancabout as much as Gays are. And those of us who are tity of procreative sex, then all non-procreative sex openly Gay and openly Muslim, holy shit! We are walk- should be considered Gay, and restricted to our people ing punching bags. only. For example: What to do about homophobes? I say let’s fuck with them. If I can paraphrase Hank Williams, Jr., fucking with homophobes is our family tradition. A Proud History of Fucking We have always been an offensive people, even when we don’t mean to be.
The Gay Vagenda and Vanilla Marriage: DOMA Versus DOSCA 20 january 2010
Back in the early days before Stonewall, activists tried their best to be inoffensive and even invisible. They called themselves “homophiles” because “homosexual” was too scandalous. An early American Lesbian organization called itself the Daughters of Bilitis (DOB) for that same reason. Homophiles and the DOB required their members to dress and behave gender-appropriately. Can’t have butch women or queeny men setting us back, can we? But eventually the Daughters came out and said, “Fuck off” in their own way. They held the first National Lesbian Convention in 1960, despite the fact that calling a woman a “lesbian” was considered an insult, and “lesbianism” was treated like a communicable disease.
“Sucking cock has been an important tradition for those of us who are Gay men. As such, it is an insult to us if Straight women suck cock, especially if they have husbands. They betray the sanctity of vanilla marriage.” We could call it the Defense of Sucking Cock Act or DOSCA. And let’s add a DOEPA, DOBFA, and even DOBOA (for defense of cunnilingus, anal sex, and masturbation, respectively). Although procreative sex is popular among Straights, non-procreative is even more so, married or otherwise. If we could get Straight Americans to associate Gay people with the pleasures of spicy Straight baby-free lovemaking, we’d have our rights in no time. On a Side Note: In Praise of Oral’s Sex As if to cosmically prove my point in a rather twisted fashion, televangelist Oral Roberts died on the same day the City Council in Washington DC voted to legalize Gay marriage, which is the very day I am writing this article (December 15).
Here is a quote (word for word, and completely out of It wasn’t until Stonewall, however, that we as a people context) from the late great Oral: “Only one organ publicly claimed the word “gay” and screamed it at made can bring forth light. It’s the male organ. It’s not the top of our collective lungs. It’s been ours ever since. in lesbianism.” When we went from “homophile” to “gay,” all sense of No, I guess a shining dick is not in lesbianism, except hetero propriety went out the window. The Stonewall as a novelty dildo. Thank you, Mr. Roberts, for amusing Riots were sparked by an unknown female dressed in us more than you’ll ever know. Requiescat in pace. men’s clothing who didn’t like being pushed into a paddy wagon and so decided to push back, and all hell broke loose. Later, a chorus line of drag queens fucked with riot police by performing dance routines in front of them and singing obscene songs. There are even re-
Don’t caress the hand too much or Kanye will come runnin’ out yellin’ ‘No Homo!’
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