NURTURE M
y 25-year-old daughter needed my help to purchase a car. I cosigned but now am regretting it because her payments are always late. I need to do something about the tardiness but don’t want to nag her. How do I approach the topic and emphasize the importance of paying on time?
T
he challenge for parents is creating new boundaries as their children grow that are more in line with the age of the child. Understandably, you do not want your credit score or relationship with your daughter to suffer. Since we can’t turn back time, I would recommend creating an agreement with your daughter about what will be expected moving forward. Explain to her that while you were happy to help with the car, she needs to treat you like a lender or bank. Tell her you expect that payments will be sent promptly so there is no resentment on your end. Her irresponsibility can greatly jeopardize your ability and desire to help her in the future. By being clear, it can reduce any disagreements or arguments about what is expected.
S
ettle an age-old argument for me once and for all: What is romance and why is it important? I love date nights, flowers and a little kissing. My husband thinks now that we are married, what’s the point? Are these acts trivial?
T
his is a common dilemma in marital relationships. Your husband’s position is not unlike many men and women after settling into a relationship. However, you are correct in your assessment of what you need for the marriage to flourish. Gestures like flowers, affection and small gifts of gratitude are the oxygen of any healthy relationship. One of my favorite relationship concepts comes from Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People where he describes an emotional bank account between partners. Like any account, if we are not making deposits we can quickly go into arrears or bankruptcy. Making deposits or fueling love is a necessity. Attending to the small things is exactly what you are describing that you want in your relationship. It is these little actions that contribute to the larger whole of the marriage and keep the bank account funded.
I
have had a lot of hurt in my life, including the loss of loved ones due to both divorce and death. Even with the passing of time, I’m unable to speak of these hurts without crying. It feels like a setback every time it happens. How do I conquer my flood of emotions and tears?
I
t sounds like you are not having a setback but are continuing to re-experience the losses as if they are occurring presently. This is the nature of grief and why the feelings are so strong and fresh. Traumatic memories are stored in the present. When an event is too distressing or upsetting, the brain struggles to adequately process the memory. It can feel like the movie Groundhog Day, in that we feel trapped in a repetitive experience of emotions, thoughts and sensations of our loss each time we remember or are triggered. My favorite treatment for these types of memories is called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). It was created by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., in the late 1990s. EMDR is an effective means to process the past so that it no longer interferes with the present. To find a qualified EMDR therapist, go to www.emdr.com or you can get a feel for how EMDR can help by reading Shapiro’s book Getting Past Your Past. This is a great primer and provides at home exercises to help you heal.
Submit your questions to editorial@magazinemv.com
Chris Paige, LCSW, has practiced psychotherapy in Palm Beach County for more than 20 years. He specializes in emotional traumas, anxiety and depression. J A N U A R Y / F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 4 M&V
95