Finding Love in the Digital Age How Online Dating Sites and Social Media Are Changing Relationships
Meet Jennifer. That’s not her real name. She is a professional businesswoman from Moore who is very active on a couple of online dating sites and wanted to keep her name private in order to speak candidly about those sites and her experiences. “The first thing you discover about these sites is that a lot of same people are on all of them,” said Jennifer. “A LOT!” Jennifer is in her 30s and decided to give the online dating sites a try because she felt her options were limited in her social circles since most of her friends were married. And then she was discovering a barrier to meeting potential dating partners in various social situations. “You just can’t approach people the way you traditionally used to because you’re worried they might be offended or even get fired because of you hitting on them,” she said. But since people go to a dating site to meet others, “hitting on each other” becomes socially acceptable. For the most part. “It all depends on how they hit on you,” Jennifer said. “But you are less inhibited and less worried, because you’re all there to meet people.” Jennifer began with Match.com and Plenty of fish.com last August. She had never tried online dating before and was surprised by the rush of initial attention her profile drew. “I quickly noticed that a lot of the attention was desperate attention,” she said. “It was obvious they hadn’t read your profile and they were just responding to the picture.” It took her a little while to decide that she didn’t have to respond to every single message. “I became very picky about who I responded to,” said Jennifer. “It’s amazing how many men just put things like, ‘I like to work out and be outside” on their profiles— and that’s just boring.” Jennifer’s been on nine dates since she started the online process. Like James and Heather, she has run across some strange people on the websites, including one person who got angry with her for meeting people online. Yes, you heard that right: someone she met online yelled at her for meeting people online. For this reason, and a lot of others, Jennifer says she does her homework about the people she meets. “You can use the Oklahoma State Court Network website to see if they have a criminal record,” she said. “If they have professional careers, you can check on their professional licensing.” She has also checked county assessor websites to see if homes potential suitors claim to own are in their own names, and to verify that divorces have actually happened. Jennifer said, “I’m not trying to invade somebody’s privacy, but that’s all public information and I have to look out for my own safety and find out who people are before I meet them.” That’s good advice for anyone using online dating services, Jennifer insists. And she has one other bit of advice that is going to sound very familiar: be honest, especially when it comes to admitting looks are important.
12 | MOORE MONTHLY | FEBRUARY 2014
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“Don’t lie about who you are and what you expect, because [otherwise] you’re setting yourself up for disappointment,” she said. “When people say they don’t care about looks? Yeah, you do care. You care what a person looks like, and it’s not superficial because not everyone likes people who look one particular way. Just be honest about your expectations and don’t take it personally.” Another important piece of advice from Jennifer: use a recent picture. “Just accept that you don’t look the way you did 10 years ago,” said Jennifer. “If I used photos from when I was 30, I’d get a lot more attention, but I’d end up with people who were interested in me 10 years ago.” Jennifer adds one last thought: it’s best to treat online dating sites as simply “online introductions” and not wait too long before meeting face-to-face. “You can tell fairly quickly if you have a connection with someone, and from that point I don’t see much point in waiting too long to meet,” said Jennifer. “I think it’s better to meet before you get attached in case there’s no attraction, and that just increases the disappointment.” 1. Use a recent & good photo - well-lit, in-focus and something that shows who you are. If possible, use a full-body shot. Photos of you doing something you enjoy can be effective. 2. Make sure your profile is complete - take your time and avoid cliches. Be honest and don’t oversell yourself or you’ll look like you’re trying to hard. 3. Be safe - never, ever put yourself in a dangerous situation. Do your homework about your potential dates and always conduct first meetings in a very public location. 4. Don’t take it too seriously - dating should be fun. Online dating even more so. Relax and enjoy getting to know people. 5. Be patient - very few people connect with the very first person they meet online. Take your time and get to know a few people before you decide what to do next. © Photos courtesy of Warner Brothers Ent.
ENJOYING THE PROCESS
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