OPINION
Michigan Tech Lode
Tuesday, October 22 11
Questions are submitted to peaches.cream.mtu@gmail.com, or submit them on our website (www.mtulode.com) under “Submit a News Tip.” A female student (Peaches) and a male student (Cream) respond to the best of their ability. These are not professional answers; they are simply the opinions and experiences of peers.
“My girlfriend wants to get a little kinky in the bedroom. When I asked what she meant, she mentioned things like spanking and pinning her wrists. I’m not against it, but I have never done anything like it and I’m nervous about accidentally hurting her. How can we experiment without going too far?”
Peach’s Perspective The prospect of brand new sexual experiences is very exciting, but I’m glad your excitement is tempered with a fear of hurting your girlfriend. There are three ways I think you could end up going “too far”: to perform actions that either of you are uncomfortable with, to cause excessive pain or damage, or to allow this new sexual dynamic to affect the love and respect in your relationship. To avoid the first two outcomes, have a conversation about each other’s boundaries because what’s acceptable is subjective. List all the activities you can think of that fall in this realm and discuss if you would be comfortable experimenting with them. You’ll find some things you want to try and some you don’t. For example, I like biting sometimes but I would never, ever get into choking. Once you’ve established acceptable activities, figure out how much force you should use. Try to define some outcomes that would be unacceptable. Are both of you okay with bruises, welts, small cuts, etc.? Be realistic about potential effects—bruises sound harsh, but it doesn’t take a hard bite to leave a mark. Knowing what you don’t want may help set some limits, but there’s only so much you can learn from talking. When you’re experimenting, start gently
and gradually increase intensity, asking her if it feels good or if it hurts too much with every increase. Being in the moment may make you both underestimate how much force you’re actually using, so aim to satisfy her without approaching her limits. Aside from all that, making sure she knows she can tell you to stop and that you will without anger or disappointment is crucial. Allowing the power balance between you and your girlfriend in the bedroom to shift so radically could mess with that dynamic in the rest of your relationship if you do more than lightly play with this. Your girlfriend’s willingness to be vulnerable implies that she trusts you not only to not damage her body but also to continue treating her as an equal even after she submits to you sexually. You will completely betray that trust if you don’t continue to take her needs into account or don’t treat her with respect. To avoid this betrayal, I recommend never initiating this without asking if she’s in the mood, excluding all derogatory language, having typical sex more often than this kinky sex and making sure you tell her you love her and respect her immediately after kinky sex to reestablish your norm. I hope this helps you stay where you want to be on a potentially slippery slope!
Cream’s Commentary A little roughness in the bedroom can really spice things up every now and again, but the line between “kinky” and “abusive” can surprisingly become a little blurry in the heat of the moment. Actually, a lot of things get blurry when you are being choked. But that’s beside the point! Most of us, me included, are awkward to some degree when trying new things. The key to keeping things kinky is to get over the awkwardness enough to actually ask your partner if he or she is enjoying what you are doing. If you can figure out where the line between pleasure and pain is by asking what feels good and what is painful the first few times, you can get a good idea of how hard to squeeze, spank, pull, or dig in with your nails for the rest of your relationship. Now that you know a trick to finding how far you can take things, you are probably wondering where to start. I can help you with this as well. From my limited experience with sadism, I can tell you that incorporating a little bit of nibbling into your kissing is a great first step. Whether you lightly bite a lip or dig into her shoulder, it’s bound to set the mood for some rougher-than-usual action.
I really enjoy using my mouth for things, so biting has always been my goto for when my partner is in a mood to be roughed up a little, but I have also done some hair-pulling in my time. The trick to this is to get a lot of hair and gently pull it so it applies the pressure to a large area of the scalp. This reduces the amount of pain, but still gets the point across. One of pop-culture’s biggest fetishes is choking. I have always considered this right on the bubble of what I am willing to do for a girl. I have been asked by a woman or two to do so, but I resign to just applying a little pressure to her neck. The reason I hesitate is because your partner is not in a good position to let you know when you have gone too far with choking. This is dangerous and I cannot recommend you try it. You aren’t always going to be the one dishing out the blows. If your partner is into pain, chances are she will give a little back to you. I personally enjoy some good scratch marks on my back every once in a while and a little biting here and there (more here than there). Oh, and be sure that you never forget the safe word: Fluggaenkoecchicebolsen.
Halloween costumes Continued from page 10 the blatant sexism in the differences was horrifying. I’ll take us all back to the movie Mean Girls for a second. When Lindsay Lohan’s character walked into the Halloween party dressed as a pretty realistic dead bride while all of the other girls were wearing skimpy outfits, she was made fun of. Now, although this is just a movie, my 15 year-old niece already knows that if she wants to have “cool” friends, she better only dress up as a zombie if that zombie
was a stripper in her past life. When we talk about women’s Halloween costumes, there is always a discussion surrounding how all these girls “like to dress like sluts” or how they are “just asking for it.” But the problem is, this is what we expect in women. The majority of pre-packaged costumes are telling women that they are only valued when sexualized and objectified. Our choices are limited to say the least. In an AskMen.com article about
“Halloween sluts,” the author says, “The past decade has solidified Halloween’s position as the one holiday that squeezes even the most bashful of women into costumes fit for your local strip club. We love it, right? Barely dressed women surrounding us at every party, eye candy as far as we can see — yes, we love it.” This is a symptom of a larger problem. There is nothing wrong with women looking sexy. But there is something wrong when that is their only option in order to be
socially accepted. The larger problem is a sexist issue – men are judged by how funny they are and what they achieve, women are judged by how sexually attractive they are. So to all the women out there who are going out to celebrate Halloween next week, dress how you want to dress. Whether you make a costume or buy one, make sure that you are comfortable in whatever you wear. In the words of Tina Fey, “Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”