PURE Magazine [July-Aug 2014]

July/August 2014

Be You. Uncompromised. 100%

LIVI NG &

A look behind the music video for Single w/ Mahogany Jones

& Singer,/Songwriter Lydia John

Hot.Haute. & Hotness Music, Book & Movie Spotlights + Summer Makeovers

Enitan Bereola

A Contemporary Gentleman on the ways of Ladies, Gentlemen & Independent Women

http://goo.gl/bdyBON

+ Dr. Ty’s

3 Keys

+ Online Dating

+ Financial Independence Day

Debt Free is the New Sexy

SNEAK PEEK at Kim Brooks‘ newest novel SHE THAT FINDETH

Click here to shop. Your purchase helps support this magazine

Welcome to the 21st Century! Unlike every century before, a woman’s access to the world no longer relies upon her having a husband.

She can control her own money, travel, and have say on who she will marry. Yet when she will marry is still beyond her power.

With all of this new INDEPENDENCE, women (and men) have to figure out what to do with the space between adolescence and marriage, all while figuring out the roles and rules of RELATIONSHIPS.

Models: Lydia John Mahogany Jones

http://Issuu.com/MahoganyJones/docs /PURE_Magazine_July-Aug

July/ Aug 2014

Publisher Get Jayne Consulting, LLC Editor in Chief Jayne Marie Smith Assistant Editors Harriett L. Smith Kwantesia Williams Mahogany Jones Steve Johnson Writers Chris Lawson Imani Brooks Wheeler Iomos Marad Jayne Marie Smith Keiona Evans Kim Brooks Lydia John Mahogany Jones Ronald Lee, Jr. Steve Johnson TaQuinda Johnson Timzetta Dickson Photographs by Jonathan Coleman creativesoul.photoreflect.com

There has to be something between arranged marriages and “arrangements with no attachments.” The old way of seeing singleness as a curse has women missing out on the now.

For this issue we’ve decided to unpack this mixed bag of blessings and lessons called SINGLE LIFE.

CONTACT US! APUREMovement@gmail.com www.APUREMovement.com Twitter: @APUREMovement

This Issue’s Inspiration Comes From:

SINGLE GET READY FOR THE WORLD PREMIERE

http://on.mtv.com/

1r7zWm0

Be You. Uncompromised. 100%

ChristianMingle® State of Dating in America™ Report Statistics Sex Before Marriage • • • •

61% of Christians say it's okay to have sex before marriage 23% says it's okay if they were in love 5% said yes, but only after they were engaged 11% said not before marriage

Amount of Time Before Moving In • • • • • • •

10% said six months or less 78% said more than six months, but less than a year 28% said more than a year but less than two 13% said two to five years 1% said more than five years 8% said they would only move in after they were engaged 12% said they would only move in if they were married

To quote Joey Lawrence from Blossom, “WOAH!” It’s one thing to feel like you’re the only one waiting, it’s another to see the statistical evidence confirming it. Apparently, if everyone was jumping off a cliff, Believers may or may not do it, but if everyone’s jumping into bed, odds are we’re already warming the sheets. [But since when is our faith about what everyone else is doing anyway?]

We don’t know which percentage best represents you. You may not even be religious.

Regardless of how you identify yourself, there’s plenty in this issue of PURE that speaks to any and everyone. Our aim here is to share what the statistics can’t: That’s Hope.

Is it possible to date and wait? Yes. Is it possible to enjoy being single without every conversation having to deal with our private parts? Yes. Is it possible to have friends of the opposite sex… and not have sex? We’re leaning towards yes.

Is it possible to have a life that’s not consumed with having a sex life? Sure is!

The reality is, this issue of PURE isn’t about sex just as this issue of sex before marriage isn’t about waiting. It’s about believing. What do you believe God desires from and for you? Do you trust God with your love life and sex life? Do you grasp that holiness is about delighting in God rather than your flesh? Most importantly, Are you willing to couple your faith with action, rather than just prayers of repentance? This issue of PURE is about life as we know it as singles – Uncompromised. p "What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes.“ Mark 9:23

LOVE IS NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE SO DON’T FALL FOR THE ANATOMY, GET CAUGHT UP IN THE CHEMISTRY, & GET DONE IN BY BIOLOGY.

There’s just some things in dating and relationships that only sound believable when coming from a dad. “I have a shot gun and a shovel” is one of them. Hopefully, this sex talk is another. Tim Alexander, filmmaker and host of LA Talk Live’s call in show, “What Would My Daddy Say,” is giving us Real Talk on the Sex Talk!

THE BIG “O” NO The biggest mistake women make is having all of this sex outside of marriage.

It’s confusing and that’s because it triggers the flow of Oxytocin. When a woman has an orgasm, Oxytocin is released. Oxytocin physically, emotionally and chemically bonds a woman to a man for 28 days between her cycle. She can end up thinking she's in love with somebody that she has no real valid connection to because of a chemical. Once you have sex with a person, you are no longer able to rationally think about who you are dealing with. That’s how so many women get trapped in so many bad relationships.

You cannot deny God’s Word and standards and expect good results. Too many Christian women are having sex outside of marriage at the same rate as women who aren’t Christians. That’s a problem. You have to close the legs and shut it all down until you meet someone who is adequate to be with a person like you.

At age 55 and divorced, Tim himself has been celibate for 5 years and intends to keep it that way until he’s married again.

Sex is a bonus, an extra prize that you get after you are married. That oxytocin is what makes two people stay together for 40, 50, and 60 years like they did back in my parents’ day. That chemical was a bond.

Now, we’ve bonded with so many people the bond doesn't work correctly anymore.

“Now, we’ve bonded with so many people, that the bond doesn't work correctly anymore.“ It's like taking a piece of tape and sticking it on something and pulling it off and sticking it on something and pulling it off until the glue doesn't stick anymore. How can you bond to 30 or 40 people and expect it to work when the bond was meant to happen once after marriage? That sexual bond kept people together. Now, it's keeping people in drama. If you’re going from all of these partners to other partners, how can that bond stick to anything?

My contention is if you can actually meet somebody and stay with that person for 6 months to a year, never having had sex with them and love them enough to get married, [then] you actually love the person and that person actually loves you [versus a chemical making you think you’re in love]. Then, you get your added sexual bonus which pushes it over the top.

Once you have sex, you don't know why you're dealing with that person. You just know it feels good. There are people who have sex with someone and they say, “Oh, this person makes me miserable. They cheat… They do this… They're violent and we fight all the time, but the make-up sex is so good!” There's your whole answer. They

“If they didn't have sex with that person that relationship wouldn't last a month.”

They are addicted to the Oxytocin. They don't even like the person they're with. If they didn't have sex with that person that relationship wouldn't last a month. The problem is they had sex early and once they did, they were locked in. That's what most women do. Have sex with the bad boy and get stuck in this tractor beam and can't escape. They are chemical zombies to the sexual release of oxytocin. p

By VICTORIA ARMSTEAD

Another Instagram notice, another half-naked picture of someone I know.

“Why are you selling yourself short? What are you doing? You’re worth more than this!” I know I’m not the only one fed up with feeds of friends making themselves look very devalued. For the longest, I asked to God to give me a tool to reach women to motivate, encourage, and empower them to find their identity in Christ. My answer came in a conversation with my sister, Dionna Jackson. She was reading Proverbs 18:22 where it says,

“He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

Notice it says that a man FINDS a GOOD THING, not that she becomes a good thing after the man finds her. You are already a “good thing” before you even come into contact with a man. That’s why I started my movement, “I’m Somebody’s Good Thing.”

Ladies, you don't have to be bound by vanity, sex, and unworthy men! You don’t need to be validated by anybody, but God. Your identity is in Christ, so you are that good thing, that treasure that is of endless value. You are exactly who God created you to be. You don’t have to go around trying to counterfeit or make up for what you think you don’t have. God made you in his image and says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Realize though, in order to be somebody's good thing, you have to carry yourself in a manner that pleases God, not man.

Twenty year-old, Detroit native, Victoria Armstead is a college student at Full Sail University majoring in Music Business.

I want women to stop selling themselves short. It is my heart’s desire that ladies all over the world will join me in taking a stand and saying, “I’m Somebody’s Good Thing!”

Join the movement by following on Facebook at www.facebook.com/imsgoodthing and on Instagram @imsomebodysgoodthing. Get your own good thing t-shirt at http://imsomebodysgoodthing.bigcartel.com.

is

Managing finances can be overwhelming, not just in the early adult years, but in our later years as well. With establishing and maintaining good credit, saving for emergencies and retirement, big-ticket expenses like cars and homes, auto insurance, homeowner's insurance, and now health insurance, personal financial management can become a daunting task. But there is hope!

As single women, doing a few financial things can make personal financial management easy and fun. So, here are

The INDEPENDENT WOMAN’S

TOP 3

FINANCIAL MOVES FOR YOUR

20’s, 30’s & 40’s The best part about implementing these strategies, you can live within your means, have enough to enjoy your life and still have a strong financial foundation for a financially successful future.

TOP 3

FINANCIAL MOVES FOR YOUR

THE ESTABLISHING PHASE

20’s

The 20’s is considered the establishing phase of your financial life. This is the time when most people are completing college, developing marketable skills and acquiring the first job as an independent adult. However, before blowing the first paycheck, be sure to:

1 Learn to Budget

Without a budget or spending plan, you run the risk of overspending on the discretionary things you want and not saving enough for unexpected emergencies or the items that you need, like living, housing and transportation expenses. Understanding needs vs. wants is essential to building your budget and establishing your financial success foundation.

2 Save Something Sooner

When creating your budget, incorporate savings for emergencies. It is recommended to have three to six months of income saved for emergencies. To get there, simply save a certain amount like $100 or a percentage of your income per paycheck. Also, even though retirement seems so far off in the future, in our 20s, saving sooner ensures that you will have enough when you retire. Get in the habit of saving 10% of your income in your 20s to help up build your savings fund and live within your means.

3 Establish Good Credit

Having good credit is a big part of financial success and begins by consistently paying all bills on time. Paying credit accounts on time has a positive effect of 35% on the credit scores. Credit scores are Financial Grades based on our payment history and other credit responsibility factors.

Remember, “Everything costs more with a low credit score.” Credit scores can range from 350 – 850, so the higher the score, the better.

TOP 3

FINANCIAL MOVES FOR YOUR

THE BUILDING PHASE

30’s

The 30’s is considered the building phase of our financial life. You may be working in your career field and making large purchase decisions. However, before you decide to make those major purchase decisions, be sure to:

1 Protect Your Assets

Make sure you're adequately covered with your auto, renters/homeowners, and life insurance to protect your family’s financial stability. Also, now that the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) is in full force, make sure you have adequate, affordable healthcare coverage to protect you from the unexpected or normal medical expenses if it is not offered at your job.

2 Maintain or Improve Your Credit

3

The best way to maintain or improve your credit, besides paying accounts on time is to keep your credit card or lines of credit balances low every month.

Keeping lower balances on credit card and lines of credit accounts (financial experts say 50% or less) has a positive effect of 30% of the credit score.

Review your credit report at least once a year to make sure everything is correct and up to date. You can obtain a free copy of your credit report from all three major credit reporting companies, Equifax, Experian and TransUnion at www.annualcreditreport.com.

Save More This is the time to save more, to build or rebuild your emergency savings fund.

Increase the amount you contribute to your employer-sponsored retirement savings account. If your employer does not offer a retirement savings plan or if you are self-employed, contribute more to a Traditional or ROTH Individual Retirement Account (IRA). If you have children, start saving towards your child’s college education in an Educational Savings Account.

TOP 3

FINANCIAL MOVES FOR YOUR

THE MAINTENANCE PHASE

40’s

The 40’s is considered the maintenance phase of your financial life. This is the time when you may be established in your career and the scary reality of retirement is fast approaching. However, don’t panic. Just be sure to:

1 Develop a Financial Plan

2

In your 40s, you are clearer about your financial goals than you probably were in your twenties and thirties. So, this is the time to reevaluate your life insurance needs, your college savings plan for your children, update your will and estate plan, as well as review and update your beneficiaries on your banking/investment account and insurance policies.

Create a Debt Repayment Plan This is the time to focus on paying off those credit cards or medical bills and paying down your student loans and mortgage. Since life will cost more in the future, this is the time to plan to be debt free so you can pay for your living expenses worry free and enjoy your retirement.

3

Max Out Employer Retirement Benefits If your employer matches your savings contributions in an employersponsored retirement account, this is the time to contribute as much as you can to accelerate your savings for retirement. If your employer does not match your contributions or if you are self-employed; consider contributing the maximum allowed in your IRA or other investment accounts.

By MAHOGANY JONES

Why do so many Christians treat "Singlehood" like it’s the 11th plague God struck on the Egyptians? Even as women of the 21st century, liberated and all, most of our stock when talking with our girlfriends is in who we are dating, if we are dating, when we plan on getting married, and when are we gonna have some babies (usually said with no pauses in between). Again, singleness turns into the cross a woman bears.

Being single for the past ten years with just a few buds of romance that never fully blossomed, I wouldn't be honest if I said there weren’t moments where requesting a table or movie ticket “for one” or being the "third wheel" hasn't sucked. At times, they have. At times, "alone" and "lonely" have comfortably shared the same space in my heart.

However, picking up and traveling the globe, being out until 2 in the morning with friends without needing consent, waking up at 5 a.m. to walk and talk with God, falling asleep under the stars with my thoughts and freedom to pursue living, have all been a part of my singlehood. It‘s in taking advantage of my singleness that I’ve felt the most alive!

Singlehood has been God's gift to me. It has been the declaration of emancipation that He personally signed and gave to empower me.

Being single isn't the "waiting room" of living.

One doesn't get married and "graduate" or get promoted to a higher grade of life.

Please don't pity me because I am "single." My singleness doesn't make me "LESS THAN“ and neither does yours. Use this time to explore who you are, what you are passionate about, what lights you up, and what you can or cannot live with or without. Use your singlehood to build the portfolio of your greatest asset: YOU. Invest yourself and all of your singleness in building and serving others, as many as you can. In this place in your life, learn how to be a friend and lover, not just to another, but of God and yourself. I am "Single" and I Am Not Less Than, neither are you! p

Ten years of believing, yet still no husband in sight for Shenita Love.

The Bible does say “Wait on the Lord,” which, for Shenita, means waiting for God to deliver her a soul mate. Then again, God helps those who help themselves. On her thirty-fifth birthday, Shenita’s fear of never starting a family has reached a fever pitch. Her trusty “rule book”- filled with guidelines for dating - simply isn’t cutting it. Soon Shenita is signing up for online dating sites, hitting on men at sporting events, and putting herself out there in ways she never imagined. When Shenita stops playing by the book and takes matters into her own hands, she finds anything can happen. Meanwhile, her closest friends are struggling with their own issues of sexuality, acceptance, divorce, insecurity, and financial strain. Always the faithful shoulder to lean on, Shenita wants to be there for them, but her desire to find a man leads her to an unforeseeable circumstance. A place where she must examine her relationship with God and reconsider her priorities.

“But then again, my thirty-fifth birthday has made me realize that I spent the last decade of my life pleasing someone else.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Lord with all my heart, but somewhere along the way I believe I’ve lost myself.”

Excerpt from “She That Findeth”

A Novel By Kim Brooks

“Happy Birthday to ya… Happy Birthday to ya…

Happy Birth-day!” sang and clapped my three closest girlfriends at a small table inside a quaint restaurant in downtown Detroit. Too bad it wasn’t karaoke night; that was Thursday. But I was still too excited that my birthday fell on a Saturday in March this year. That made up for the fact that it was my 35th and here I am celebrating it with a bunch of females.

I love my girls and all, but sometimes a sister just wants the presence of a man.

Here I am all decked out with my off the shoulder purple blouse, short fitted gray skirt, silver stilettos and matching Gucci bag yet no man to compliment me on how good I looked. I had just gotten my hair cut and colored with a light brown Mohawk on top that faded to black in the back and my makeup was flawless. I even bought and wore hazel contacts, which I was hesitant to buy at first because of my brown complexion – but they actually looked kinda cute on me.

I was feeling this “new

look” and new me, yet there was no man seated next to me to whisper in my ear how I was the finest thing in the room. Nope, at thirty-five, here I am with not a prospect in sight. No man, no boyfriend, not even a “special friend.”

should have said something to the tune of, “Before my eggs dry up and I have to believe God like Sarah and Abraham, Lord.” Maybe then my prayer may have been granted a little earlier. At the rate I’m going, I’m going to have to take in vitro and believe God for Nobody. twins.

Thank God for Lord knows I just knew I technology. would have been married “Haaaa-peeee-birthday… with at least two kids by Happy Birthday… Happy now.

Birthday…”

I’ve been believing God for a husband for over 10 I could tell the waiters and waitresses, all of years now. diverse hues, were I keep my list of ten getting a kick out of my things I’m believing God for friends’ rendition of the in a mate tucked away in Stevie Wonder classic as the zipper part of my Bible they grinned from ear to cover and have done so for ear and nodded their years. I guess I never really heads. I wondered if they attached a timetable to had ever heard it before. my requests – maybe I

from ear to ear and nodded their heads. I wondered if they had ever heard it before.

Or maybe they were laughing at my girl Danielle, also known as Dani, who swayed wildly with her Android taking pics in one hand and her glass of Sprite on the rocks in the other. If you didn’t know Dani was saved you would think she was drunk, and at just two years shy of forty, one would never know by the way she carried herself.

Always ready for a good time, Dani took pics of herself showing off her fresh makeover, which brought out the peach undertones in her tan complexion, and her new black-and-gold mini

dress, which flattered her tall, curvy frame; and she also took pics of me and the rest of the crew and uploaded them to Facebook simultaneously, half of which I hadn’t even seen yet to approve.

Lord, I hope she doesn’t tag me in any pics where I’m looking crazy. Candid shots get on my nerves.

“Make a wish, girl!”

Danielle yelled while snapping her head swerving her long, black layered weave to the other side, almost hitting Jackie in the face.

Jackie just looked at her and rolled her eyes as she proceeded to stir her black coffee. She wiped the cheek where Danielle’s hair almost smacked her, probably hoping it didn’t turn her

turn her fair skin pink, as Jackie bruises easily.

She had stopped singing the song a while ago and looked ready to go home. At thirty-six, Jackie appeared as if she had had enough of all the many years of singing birthday songs and probably wanted to catch a rerun of her favorite show, Law and Order, again.

With her being a prominent, well-respected attorney in the city she was greatly intrigued by that show. I wouldn’t be surprised if my birthday festivities weren’t ruining all her normal Saturday-night fun. Jackie ran her fingers through her short curly red hair, then rested her hand on her forehead.

“Yeah, Shenita,” sprang Pippa while scooting her chair in closer to the table and positioning her round frame just right as she pointed her light brown manicured finger toward me matter-of-fact, “The Word says in 3 John 1:2 Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth, so it’s okay to make a wish and blow out the candles.”

At thirty-two and the youngest of the crew, I wondered if Pippa really thought I needed her approval based on The Word on whether or not I should make a wish? I guess she didn’t know me as well as I thought she did, otherwise she would know I’ve been making wishes and blowing out candles ever since I got saved fifteen years ago. I wasn’t convicted about it then and I sholl ain’t convicted about it now.

Man, this birthday cake had so many candles on it that it looked like if I didn’t blow them out fast someone would have to call a fire truck. p

Award-winning author, licensed minister, national speaker and songwriter, Kim Brooks, of Detroit, MI is the Black Expressions Bestselling Author of He’s Fine…But is He Saved? its highly acclaimed sequel, He’s Saved…But is He For Real?, nonfiction debut, The Little Black Survival Book for Single Saints, and her newest advice book for singles, How To Date And Stay Saved.

An abstinence until marriage advocate, which is not only her speaking platform but also her testimony, Kim has been featured in Gospel Today, JET and has appeared as a guest on The Word Network and a regular on Totally Christian Television.

A FABULOUS GIRL’S TOP 9 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU’RE SINGLE

#3 Travel overseas. [Editor’s Note: some places love full figures & dark skin. Go Girl!]

#4 Say “Yes” to a new address! Why

not pursue a job or a dream in a new zip code or country code?

#6 Make a major purchase. House, car, income property, investments, etc. That grown-up feeling is a great feeling.

#7 Get some hobbies. Something’s

got to keep you occupied. Plus, it’ll make you more interesting. [Editor’s Note: It’s a great way to meet new people & expand your dating pool.]

#8 Face your biggest fears. Be it skydiving,

public speaking, or dining in public alone.

#9 Solo Date Night! Go to your favorite spot or a new one and get to know yourself better. Or “Double” with a friend you haven’t seen in a while Courtesy of:

Fantasee Blu, single mom & host of “Kiss After Dark” on 105.9 Kiss-FM, Detroit.

Jamillah Muhammed, Marketing & Advertising Executive, Atlanta

MOVIE REVIEW: Belle

Spoiler Alert: Other t released by the stud

Liberation in the 18th century; Lessons for the 21st

Belle, a film about the true life story behind this intriguing painting, is named after the heroine of the film. While those around her opted to call her by her other name, Dido, the film itself lives up to both its namesake and its meaning. It is truly beautiful.

Set in the 1700’s, when slavery and the transcontinental trade were still legal and thriving, our unlikely hero, Dido Elizabeth Belle Lindsay was born into slavery by way of her mother’s circumstance. This story, however, is about the life she experienced as a free and privileged woman of color due to the other circumstance to which she was born. Her father, a white, English aristocrat, bestowed upon her the privilege that was rightfully due her as his child.

This film spoke to me as a single woman living in the 21st century, particularly this scene where Belle stated the reality of this privilege she alone got to bear: “We women are but the property of gentlemen. It came into my head that I’ve been blessed with freedom twice over – as a negro and as a woman. …Or have I? Must not a lady marry even is she’s financially secure? Who is she without a husband of consequence? It seems silly, like a free negro who begs for a master.”

While Belle is about so many things, I found myself reflecting on the concept of marriage. In this film we see all sorts of marriages and different demonstrations of love. A child of illegitimate birth, Dido was loved by her father who had an abiding love for her deceased mother.

Dido’s cousin, Elizabeth, on the other hand, was born legitimately and found herself abandoned by her father in favor of his new wife.

Dido shares the many women century women own means and society. For us, being destitute, world, not being husband, but r notion of marry world does that

One of these women is free.

The other is not.

As in the 18th century, you can see those circumstances and the sentiments they breed rippling throughout the way women perceive relationships today. These two teenagers wanted nothing more than to be accepted. Even when Dido had been granted an inheritance that allowed her to live her own life, her biggest fear was thought of being an old spinster.

Well in Belle, we to be an Indepen d to understand w

Coming of age, D traditional marri despite being in a need a man.” Here from Dido and with potential

than my own insights, I promise to try and not share more than what one can draw from the trailers dio.

same conundrum that toil over today. We 21st are free. We have our our own positions in marriage isn’t about not not having access to the g a literal asset to one’s ather this newfangled ing for love. What in the look like?

- It’s easy to fall for attention when you don’t know who you are.  On the contrary, a man who is worthy of your attention is the one who exhibits concern about you, your situation, and how you are treated.

- Don’t stay where you aren’t welcome.  The one who causes you to forget time and place may be the one you can spend your whole life with.

- Beauty is not skin deep and compliments have to go deeper than the surface.  Having shared passion and compassion are more meaningful than harboring passionate fantasies.

- The wrong man will try to win you over with his words and easy actions.

discover that it takes courage dent woman; it takes courage hat marrying for love is.

Dido experiences the age parade and charade position where she “doesn’t are some things I gleaned her cousin’s interactions suitors.

 The right man wins you over by listening to you and with his actions in the face of tough decisions.

- Right or wrong, a man will show you who you are in his eyes. Your choice to accept or reject his vision of you is determined by how you see yourself and will determine how you will be seen for life.  It’s okay to say no.

To that last point, realize that even today, some won’t understand how you can pass on money, position, popularity, looks, swag, or charm. The

reality is, when you understand what love is, you recognize the imposters.

As a free, independent woman, your liberation comes with a refreshing new responsibility.

You have the responsibility of choosing true love over convenience or fear. Perhaps Belle is just the type of film that may inspire the courage and pride you need to make those tough 21st century choices. p

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BEHIND THE SONG

Single

I'm alone but I ain't never lonely/ found a soul lover who consoles me told me/ whenever I'm low He'll hold me/ hold me forever/ wrote me the dopest love letter/ whenever I read it I always feel better/ I'ma forever endeavor to keep it together/ He keeps me together when I'm falling apart/ until I'm iced up He's the one who holds my heart.

Every day's my Fourth of July Celebrating my independence because I'm Solely dependent upon the Most High Got me walking on air I'm His heir so I'm fly Remember being the dove who used to cry because I didn't have a prince I'm the daughter of the King So I'm convinced of this Just cause I'm a Ms. and not a Mrs. I won't miss out on all that life has to offer A smorgasbord of opportunity- A saucer I got a full plate Don't wanna bite off more than I can chew So I'll wait The best things in life are always worth it When it happens It'll be motion picture perfect Happy ending and all Got both my glass slippers but I'm still having a ball

That's me | Happy | Love that | I'm free

Single

I'm blessed | No stress | I'm good

I'm already whole My life's not on hold No, you don't define who I am Cuz I'm fine being single I'm whole My life's not on hold No, he don't define who I am Cuz I'm fine being single

Can't nobody get me down I'm doing me Can't nobody say that I'm not complete If I ain't got a man Living life to the fullest Cuz the Lord is sufficient I know that I'm virtuous so until I'm found I'm down with being

What are some of the things

you tell yourself whenever you feel you’re in a

fight or

Singer/ Songwriter

Lydia

John

struggle?

Some time ago, Mahogany came to my brother, David John and me exclaiming that she had a great song concept for us to write to, and that she felt women needed to hear; ‘being a single Christian.’ This subject indeed is one that single people, but especially single women, need to hear.

Society has taught us from little girls that you grow up and get educated, and then you get married and have children, and this is the natural succession of life and happiness. Which to a certain degree, it is.

But one of the goals should not just be to get married, but to be happily married to someone you can build the Kingdom of God with. In my opinion, the only way to truly do this is to be whole FIRST in God, and then join yourself to someone that has achieved the same thing. As a Christian woman, I believe in what I call, “The Triangle Effect.” Both people (that will one day join together in marriage), are at the two bottom corner points of the triangle, and God the Father is at the top, middle point. The goal is to follow your path upward to God, while getting to know yourself and letting God mold you.

Soon, the two of you will meet at the appointed time right where God is. If the single persons 'head to each other' and depend on each other for fulfillment and validation, they will never truly achieve

fulfillment because there is a lack of wholeness and presence of God. Consequently, the lyrics of “Single” is spoken in the voice of a woman who refuses to let others make her feel less than because she's not in a romantic relationship. The woman has made a decision to become whole by herself first, finding her relationship with God sufficient until the time comes that she meets the one she deems worth dating. In that single time, she is having fun and enjoying life as a virtuous woman.

I want every single person to know that you can not seek validation and completion in another person. There is a void that only God can fill, and though none of us are perfect and aren't expected to be perfect before dating or marriage, an individual should be confident and grounded in who they are, prior to joining themselves to someone else. If they are not, they are bound to be consistently disappointed by the other person who can not fill a void that only God can. Enjoy being 'Single' because marriage is beautiful work, not to be embarked on until the individual is ready...and when it's time, I believe the union will be blessed! p

THE

…

36… 37… 38…

AITING PHASE

By Timzetta Wright - Dickson

39… 40… 41… 42. How did I live so many years in total sadness, thinking something was wrong with me because I did not have nor had I ever had a MAN?

Statistically speaking, everyone and everything was telling me that singlehood was my rightful position in life. The voices of my distant past would say, “A man will

never marry a fat girl.” Statistics from the US Census Bureau nagged, “Black women between the ages of 25-54 years old outnumber non-Hispanic White women who have never married.” Translation: I didn’t stand a chance. Even the voice of my deceased grandmother haunted me, “Tiny baby,” That’s what she called me. “What are you waiting for? You’re going to be an old maid. Don’t let me die before I become a great-grandmother.” In other words, the voice in my head whispered, “Girl, you’re so

passed

your

child-bearing

years,

your

eggs

will

need

reanimation!”

“SHUT UP!” I often found myself shouting to stop the tsunami of erroneous thinking.

I suspect most women, especially those who constantly find themselves in unhealthy relationships, are often left questioning their worthiness. Add to that, Black women often suffer from various types of traumas (absent fathers; inexperienced, young parenting; poverty; and ABUSE) that can drive us to search for love in all the wrong places just to find the right man ready to crush our spirits. For me, affliction came at the hands of the first ones who were supposed to show me unconditional love, but instead tainted me for their selfish pleasures leaving me feeling… whole-less, void.

I wanted a relationship so badly. I wastefully spent all those years chasing and waiting. Waiting for what, you ask? Significance. Merriam-Webster defines Significance as the quality of having notable worth or influence. King Solomon described a significant woman as “a wife of noble character… worth far more than rubies” Proverbs 31:10.

My pursuit of significance would come through my clever human invention: Claim him, Tag him and Bag him. I thought if I could get that African Ken doll in the window to find me irresistible then I would be okay. No more loneliness… No more sheet burning

39… 40… 41… 42 desires… No more feeling un-pretty… No more being different. I had so many “fillin-the-name–itises”, it started sounding like I had an abnormal condition. Stan-itis, Jason-itis, Shan-itis to name a few. I crushed on several guys to the point of foolery, trying to get them to see into me to no avail. After years of (preying) praying with no results, I started to pressure God for the answers to my peculiar situation of singleness. After all, James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you Abba Father,

I am hurting. I don’t understand why I have been single for so long, but you do. Help me, Lord, to see myself as you see me.

Lord, I lay before your throne all of my pain, past, present and future problems and prideful sins. I pray you make me whole.

In Jesus Name

God answered through His Word and this is what I discovered through His powerful healing scriptures: I am worth more than rubies, fearfully and wonderfully made in that secret place, a chosen daughter, His royal priesthood, salt and light, redeemed, forgiven, purpose-driven, holy and blameless (the enemy can’t accuse me or shame me anymore), and now I have hope (1Pe 2:9, Ps 139: 14, Eph 1: 1:9, 11; 4, 8-12, Matthew 5:13-14).

I found the question wasn’t “Lord, why do you have me waiting so long?” The question was, “Why have I waited to realize that The Lord, my maker is my husband— the LORD Almighty is his name?” (Isaiah 54:5) My Daughter, You will never know who you are or to whom you belong because you keep chasing dust creatures to fill you rather than the Creator who can give life more abundantly. Why? Why do you commit idolatry by giving others the power to determine your IDENTITY? I heard your prayers.

I know your heart’s desire. Who do you think put the marriage idea into your heart in the first place? I know when you are ready to get what I already purposed for your life, what I purposed for you before you were a thought or the 46 rapidly growing chromosomes that made you, when I made you.

From that moment, the myopic lens through which I judged my worth and reasons for singleness became more clear as I let go and let God into the buried, hidden, lonely, hurt places of my heart. From that moment, I began walking another path with a fresh perspective and God’s mercy. I started experiencing new things and little did I know He was preparing me for the arrival of a Beautiful Surprise…

Anthony & Timzetta

Dickson Married May 18, 2013

It was the weekend I was to turn 40. Some girlfriends and I were out having a good time when he approached - trying to talk to my friend! After a few witty, remarks, he couldn’t resist me.

Seriously! Two years later, we wed and began our new life together.

Often, we think we’ll find the love and significance we’re searching for through our horizontal relationships, but our significance is really in our relationship with God. We think that if we just have this wonderful man, somehow, everything will just go away. But once you get married, the hurt doesn’t just go away. My problem wasn’t the fact that I didn’t have a man.

My problem was my heart was so wounded it needed to be taken care of. I wouldn’t have been open to love Anthony the way that I needed to love him if God hadn’t first worked on my heart.

You know how when you find something you LOVE, you’ve got to tell everyone? This is one of those things! Our PURE Magazine team LOVES this LOVES site. We know you will, too. We asked them to introduce themselves. we eagerly anticipate clicking our Facebook status to something other than “single.”

“We were tired of seeing single Christians who are focused more on waiting for a future spouse instead of actively building the Kingdom. There’s more to us than our relationship status.”

There

are millions (well, maybe not

millions) of sites out there about dating and a million (well, maybe more like a hundred) more about being a Christian and dating. Then there are a couple dozen more about Christian dating and remaining pure and holy.

Few ever really address that there’s more to us than our relationship status.

Sure, we all date. We’ve been in and out of relationships and we’ve weathered a few storms in between. Most of us still hope for marriage one day, but that’s not all there is to me. And that’s not all there is to you. It’s certainly not the only thing Christ calls us to.

Everyone seems to think that life begins at marriage (whether they actually say it or not). As singles, we tend to buy into that lie, too. SingleRoots is a community “rooted” in the belief that we are to be living intentionally even while

Transparency is Key to Building Trust in the Community SingleRoots is a community and in community, people are transparent and authentic. So, we’re going to keep it real.

There are peaks and valleys to this single life. You will hear others’ stories and struggles. It is our prayer that the Holy Spirit will use them to encourage and inspire you in your own pilgrimage.

There’s no organization or denomination behind SingleRoots, which is why sometimes you might find that you don’t necessarily agree with everything that’s written. And, that’s okay. Iron sharpening iron and all that stuff. Most importantly, we’re followers of Christ, (who happen to be unmarried), trying to encourage other followers of Christ, to live lives that are worthy of the calling they have received in Christ Jesus.

Our desire was (and is) to create a community of readers and writers who would analyze their lives and ask themselves tough questions about how they’re living – questions that they may not have otherwise been asking – and eventually make real changes based on those answers. In order to be most effective, the community needs to hear YOUR perspective. People need to know they are not alone.

CHECK OUT SINGLEROOTS.COM, SIGN UP FOR THEIR FREE EMAILS AND GET THIS FREE E-BOOK!

CLICK HERE

Set Aside the Fairy Tale and 5 Other Online Dating Tips for Women BY SINGLEROOTS TEAM The more technological our world becomes, the less sketchy meeting someone on the internet can be, so online dating tips for women might seem, upon first glance, a little out-of-date. But see, we’re not talking about ways to keep your story off a missing persons episode of Dateline NBC. You know how to handle that part, right?

What we are talking, though, are tips to keep in mind as you go through the process. If you’re going to do this online dating thing, and do it well, you have to keep the right mindset. So here are a few online dating tips for women—6 to be exact. Don’t worry, men, yours are coming. Ladies first, though.

1. You Do Not Have To Agree To A Date Every Time You’re Asked On One. Sure, online dating might’ve opened up a whole new world for you. You might be getting multiple date offers each month or even each week, but that doesn’t mean you have to answer in the affirmative. For the ladies who don’t have a problem saying “no,” this might not be an issue, but for you people-pleasing gals, it’s a good thing to remember. If you know he’s not right, it’s okay to nip things in the bud.

2. But Say Yes To Someone.

Just as important as it is to say no, it’s important to say yes. Don’t let your fear keep you from going on an actual date. Conversations over email or text will only get you so far. And as nice as it is to wake up to a flirtatious text from a guy, it means nothing if you don’t gel in real life. So go on a date…or two or three or lots.

3. Get A Friend To Try It Out With You. It’s an old joke that girls can’t go to the bathroom without taking a buddy with them.

While that might be more along the lines of younger girls, sometimes online dating is far less daunting when you’ve got a sidekick or a wingman. And no, we don’t mean someone to tag along on dates, but someone to talk things out with. Someone to advise you on whether or not you need to go out with a guy or someone who helps you with a post-date analysis. If you have a friend who’s dating online, too, it can make the process more fun. Just remember to reign in the jealousy if her dating life takes off and yours doesn’t. Don’t make us Jesus juke you in this fun post and remind you that God hasn’t forgotten you. Because we will. Oh we so will…

Set Aside the Fairy Tale and 5 Other Online Dating Tips for Women (Cont’d) 4. It’s Okay To Go On A Date With More Than One Person.

Kiss courting and Joshua Harris books goodbye, please. We’re not telling you to get involved in a serious relationship with multiple people. If one match asks you out at the beginning of the week and another match asks you out later in the week—and you’re interested in both—then go.

You won’t know anything about compatibility until you meet them and spend time with each in person.

5. Show Your True Self.

We know. Every piece of online dating advice warns us about profile pics, but ladies, we are still struggling. You have got to be honest. Show your curves, show your braces, show your height, show it all.

You’ll be far less nervous on the first date and far better off in the long run because you’ll know you are talking to a guy (or several guys) who is interested in you, the real you.

6. Set Aside The Fairy Tale.

This is not just for online dating, but for everything relationship. We’ve been sold a bill of goods about what romance and love are supposed to be like, and we set ridiculously high expectations for guys– expectations that are unfair and problematic. You’ll never be pleasantly surprised by a guy or satisfied with his efforts if you’re expecting him to be writing you love letters like Noah Calhoun or bringing you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils like Joe Fox. Let those notions go sister! Let them go. This isn’t about settling for someone who isn’t right for you, but managing your unrealistic expectations and letting him surprise you with his pursuit.

Are you considering a foray into online dating? This FREE comprehensive guide will walk you through everything you need to think about before you get the ball rolling, as well as tips while you’re dating. CLICK HERE

Ty Adams’ TOP 3 KEYS to Living a Pure Life

By TaQuinda Marie (@TmariePR) Pure Magazine had the opportunity to sit down and get up close and personal with “Sexpert,” Minister, National Best-Selling Author and fellow Single, Ty Adams regarding living a pure lifestyle, love relationships and the uncut, raw view on sexual purity including her latest release, “The Dating Bible.”

In the “The Dating Bible,” Ty provides readers with a biblical approach to love, dating and relationships in this one stop manual.

“The Dating Bible” is now available at Amazon.com or by visiting iTy.TV.

1.

If you are not living pure, first thing is to acknowledge that you are not. The Bible states in 1 John 1:9 that if we confess our sins, He will cleanse us of our sins. Acknowledge, repent and God will do the rest. God will do the job of cleansing us, it is our job to just walk it out. Repentance means to turn away from a thing. God is not about behavior modification, he’s about transformation.

We are not to put purity on layaway.

God is looking for us to live pure.

2.

Purity is the will of God for every aspect of our lives, especially our bodies, where he wants to reside. Allow God to take residence inside of you.

Many Christians make Jesus savior but do not make him Lord. We want him to save us from our sins, but not have Lordship over our lives. God is looking to have permanent residence inside of us.

3. The only way to live pure is to get

READ THE FULL INTERVIEW IN THE PRINTED VERSION OF Pure Magazine AVAILABLE AUG 1st!

The Word of God in your heart. No matter how saved you are, how many church services you go to or how many tongues you are speaking, if you are not taking The Word and placing it in your heart you will be subject to fall and sin.

The Word itself has the power and capacity for you to walk upright before God and live in sexual integrity. Without The Word, we cannot do it. It has to become apart of our everyday lives.

Many of us are spiritual malnutrition and do not have the capacity and components to walk in sexual purity, because we are not applying God’s word and hiding it in our hearts. You are going to get to a point where you will face temptation face to face. The only way you are going to overcome is by allowing God to empower you by His strength when you are weak. Those days when I wanted to sin and backslide, that Word rose up in my spirit and allowed me to activate and come against the pressures of temptation and sin and walk away without falling. Allow The Word to work.

Kissed By the Sun

3 Basic Steps to achieving beautiful summer looks

Whether spending your summer on a beach in the Bahamas or clocking in for your 9-to-5, you don’t have to short yourself when it comes to your summer beauty looks.

Simple, easy and fun looks are all a girl could ask for when it comes to enhancing her everyday beauty. Captivating Beauty Makeup Artistry’s founder, Dionna Jackson, shows us how to execute these fun and sassy looks below.

Dionna Jackson Model: Hazel Photos by Jonathan Coleman

---- BRONZED BEAUTY ---One of the most common misconceptions about summer and foundation is that you need to change your color because of the season. Well, I have news for you, that's not necessary! You can still utilize your same color during the summer by warming the face with a bronzing powder. Bronzer is also a product that can be used year round to give the skin a sun kissed glow – No matter what your complexion is! So head to your local department store, pick up this accessory to add to you regular routine today!

Proper bronzing application START: Around the temples of the head SWEEP: Down to the jaw line and neck DON’T FORGET: The high points of the cheek.

Remember to have fun in the sun and enjoy your sun kissed glow!

---- GLIMPSE OF SHIMMER ---Now that you have great skin, what do you do with the rest of your face? Next we’re pairing a light color eye shadow with a bold lip! These colors can be incorporated together by playing off of the sun kissed skin!

Proper eye application BRUSHES: are the most important part of the makeup application; Do not cut corners when it comes to investing in brushes.

---- RAVISHING LIP COLORS ---Short on time but want an eye turning look. Pop on a stunning bold lip and don't be afraid of color. Let your lips reflect your inner freedom! Always be sure to pair your bright lip with a liner (no matter your skin tone) to ensure longevity and structure to the lip! And remember to have fun with it!!!

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It’s summer! It is time to let our hair down, or can we? Yes, we can definitely let it down with products and knowledge in your arsenal. Summer is no time to be in the house doing hair! So with these simple tips, you can fearlessly enjoy the sun without having to do so much maintenance.

Reduce FRIZZ when humidity is in the air 1. Make sure that your hair is moisturized and healthy. Dry, damaged hair means it is more porous, and what does a porous sponge do? It absorbs water.

2. NEVER Wash & Go. Humidity adds moisture to your hair as it dries, and that extra moisture is what makes your hair strands expand. If you use products that are high in moisture-attracting humectants i.e. glycerin, you’ll end up looking like a poodle. Choose products with a healthy balance of humectants and emollients (moisturizers).

3. Eliminate added heat (flat iron and drying). High heat burns the hair, causing it to be dry… and dry, damaged hair absorbs water. If you do apply heat, choose low settings, proper products for heat protection, plus light moisturizers to prevent hair from drying.

4. Do not over moisturize. We tend to sweat in the summer which causes us to produce more natural oils than normal, so using moisturizers sparingly will help to control the frizz. *Our Lovely Curl spray and Chocolate Soufflé leave-in are great to use to avoid frizz.

1.

2.

Apply products such as Shea butter, mango butter, cocoa butter, and jojoba oil to hair daily. These offer natural UV protection.

Use shampoos that are free of sulfates or parabens. (They dry out your hair even more.)

*All of our products contain natural UV protection, especially our Genesis butter. This butter is light weight but very nourishing and will definitely protect your strands from the sun.

While everyone gives tips on prepping hair before swimming, here’s what to do after a swim. If you’re like me, you have no time to prep, so this works out better.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Rinse hair thoroughly with cool water and make sure to wring it out really well, removing as much dirt, salt or chlorine as possible.

Coat hair with either coconut oil, extra virgin olive oil or a deep conditioner. A deep conditioner is preferable. (This helps to repair the strands from the harsh elements it just encountered) Leave on for about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

Shampoo.

Do an apple cider vinegar rinse. This ensures that your hair and scalp is back at its proper pH level. (This step is optional) Apply a conditioner, leave on for about 10 minutes and rinse.

Apply a leave-in and style as normal. *Our coconut Crème Pie Conditioner, Chocolate Soufflé Leave In and Morning Joy Cleanser will help in these steps.

Remember, tending to hair daily helps keep you living and not doing hair. So let’s stay on top of it. For more info please visit us at www.everbutter.com

Booking@MahoganyJones.com

NOW BOOKING FALL ‘14

Beautiful Radiant Filled with faith Peaceful and patient More valuable Than any title gives Imperfect but She still walks with grace in it I need someone I can share my past with Someone I can share my fears with Someone Who loves me for who I am Someone Who looks at me Through the eyes that God has This is the kind of girl I want to be my girlfriend This the kind of girl I want to spend my time with This is the kind of girl I want to be my girlfriend Better yet This girl I could spend my life with

This Issue’s Inspired by:

GIRLFRIEND

By Chris Lawson & Iomos Maurad

She's virtuous And she's powerful Self aware And in God, secure Independent but She's not afraid To let me lead She's strong enough To compliment the man in me

Why did you want to do this song?

Mahogany came to me with the vision for the track and what she wanted this particular tune to convey. I was at a point where I was in this relationship with this beautiful person that I felt like I could really talk about it because I would be describing her. The song is not about an archetype but I'm talking about an actual living, breathing human being. She's not perfect but she walks with grace and with love in spite of it.

Better still, we love each other and work with one another in spite of OUR imperfections. I really thank God for her. I always say that whatever lenses God sees me through, my girlfriend, Raisa, somehow has access to them to see me the same way. That's something that is extremely special and significant to me and my heart because it gives me freedom and strength that I didn't know I had. It's changed my life.

‌die to self in order to love that person in such a way, because our focus shifts. Our primary concern in the relationship becomes how can I express the love of God to them and how do I make sure that I'm doing my part in meeting their needs in this relationship? If I'm trying to meet her needs and she trying to meet mine, then both of our needs are being prioritized, considered and met. But I think whatever we find depends on us and where we are in our lives in that particular season. And for some of us, it may be the time and season for a relationship and for others, it may not be.

Chris Lawson

Do you think it's challenging for men to find women that fits the song?

It depends on where you're looking...lol. And it also depends on what your standards are and how it is you view yourself first. Some people, male and female, limit what they can experience in a relationship because of pride or because of something they haven't let go of. I'm still learning to let her in because I've been hurt and because I was embarrassed and ashamed. But the beauty of God's love is that He still wants you and He still accepts you and He also holds the very power to change you and to make you new. What I've found in my relationship is that it’s another extension of God's love for me. I think that's what a healthy and Godly relationship should be; it should be a reminder of God's unconditional love for us. But we have to ..

Girlfriend (Rap Verse) Yo. You A Queen No Question.

Ain't No Second Guessin’ Never Pressed By The Times To Take - Take Off Your Clothin’ To Lose A Major Part Of Ya Self That’s More Than Somethin’ When We When We Be Buildin’ Into Me You Be Seeing The Kang That The KING Really Wants Me To Be While Overcomin’ This World Yeah You That Type A Girl A Beautiful Reflection Redefining What’s Sexy Ya Faith Is Rock Steady In Ya B-girl Stance (Ha) You So Radiant And -And Magnificent Fearing God And Not Man Is The Main Ingredient Integrity’s Ya Strategy Ya Character’s Flawless Discernment Is The Charm That Ya Wear On Ya Necklace Girl, You The One I Wanna Spend My Life With It’s More Than Ya Brown Skin Keepin’ The Boy Lit Designed By The Most High Tailor Made To Fit Selfless In His Presence Is How This Thing Is Built 'Cause When We Both Get Weak On The Rock We Lean Now, Let’s Go Talk About Revelation 3:17

What do you look forward to in a healthy dating relationship?

I would say that exploration in conversation is one of the most beautiful things about building relationships with an interest from the opposite sex. My mother told me when a man or woman finds someone, they should enjoy the different stages of building relationships or courting and those stages shouldn't be rushed or skipped. One of the most important stages of relationships is conversation. From a man’s perspective, women are stimulated by words, so the more you converse the more you get to know the person you are interested in.

Iomos Marad

Why do you think women need to hear this song?

How do you hope this song impacts women?

Women need to hear this song because it’s a breath of fresh air. In these days and times, women, especially young ladies, are being bombarded by misogynistic songs that objectify and deny them the right to be uplifted. Women, especially women of color, have to go through so much throughout the day whether they are single or married and it’s so easy to dismiss the strength and intelligence that they all possess when given the chance. “Girlfriend” gives the listener the opportunity to see the true portrait of women who are as Chris Lawson so eloquently sang, “Beautiful, Radiant, Filled with Faith, Peaceful and Patient. More valuable than any title gives” (and although she’s imperfect like all humans are) she still walks with grace [in grace]. There is a great need for more songs like this where women can maintain their womanhood or femininity in human equality.

I hope when women hear this song they will begin to see themselves through the wider lens God sees them through opposed to the narrow lens that men see them through.

Dave Chappelle said something interesting during his HBO comedy special. He said, “Magazines (the media) trick women by picking at their self-esteem because with every turn of the page it makes [them] feel fatter and uglier and [they] feel like [their] clothes aren’t good enough and [the media] makes [women] forget how beautiful they really are.” This song is a quiet but deadly audio assassination to images presented by the media targeting the self-esteem of women. Hopefully “Girlfriend” and the Pure project in its entirety will impact other artists to produce more songs with the message of uplifting women.

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Last year, before joining the television cast of My TV Network’s BECAUSE WE’RE MEN, Keiona Evans delivered in her first starring role in the stage play “The Ultimatum.” Written by her then boyfriend, Kamal Smith, Keiona played opposite Smith as a woman encouraged by her friends to give her man a choice. Keiona shares her own thoughts about that risky move. Is it worth it?

THE INFAMOUS ULTIMATUM. Everyone has opinions on it, but who is to say who is right or wrong? Or is there a right or wrong? To be honest, this is a subject that seems to never end for a woman in her late twenties or thirties.

With me being in that age range I definitely have an opinion on the matter. I must first give the disclaimer that this is strictly my perspective coming from my own life experience and what I have seen around me.

Let’s start by defining exactly what an ultimatum is. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ultimatum as “a final threat: a promise that force or punishment will be used if someone does not do what is wanted.” Is it just me or does this sound a little scary? After all, who wants to start their happily ever after with a threat? I personally would define ultimatum as an expedited decision with a deadline, or better yet an option. The person has the option to choose to move forward with your expectations or not continue the relationship at all. This has never been anything that I have desired to do. It just isn’t my style. You have to know yourself and what works for you. I know in my mind and heart I want to feel that the decision was natural and not pushed by me. I don’t think I could fully be satisfied with a relationship not knowing if the person would have come around without being convinced. That’s not to say that it isn’t right for some.

In my experience with my current relationship, I can’t begin to count how many times people have asked me questions such as “Are you married or engaged yet?” “Did you tell your boyfriend it’s time to step up?” Or they would make assumptions that I never planned to have children or that I didn’t want to get married. This baffled me every time. Had I missed some deadline that everyone knew about except me? This was two years into dating my then boyfriend which I guess for some seemed like an eternity. There were a couple of people who even seemed to feel sorry for me because he had not proposed. For me there was no urgency. I was in love, and at that point in time it was enough… for

ME! After all, it’s not uncommon in current times for women in their mid thirties to get married and have children. Not that I owed any explanation. I never understood the rush or why some felt that I should tell him that he must marry me and he must do it soon. Those relationship critics (what I called them) sat by patiently and waited for me to give him the ultimatum.

I think my relaxed attitude came from both of my

“This is a great time grandmothers. They were both happily married for women who now with children and were the best examples of love, have the ability to commitment and family I had ever witnessed. Yet, I support themselves remember them telling me to go to college, follow without relying on my dreams, travel and just live life. They told me there was no rush to marry or have children. anyone else.”

There is no deadline. When you marry,

marry because you have fallen in love. As they said, this is a great time for women who now have the ability to support themselves without relying on anyone else. That has always stuck with me.

Now, I can’t say that dating for me has been perfect. I have thought I was in love before and it turned out not to be so. I’m so thankful that I didn’t succumb to the pressure to give HIM an ultimatum. It was “time” in some people’s eyes then, but it

"I thought I was in love before… I’m so thankful that I didn’t succumb to the pressure to give HIM an ultimatum.”

wasn’t my time. So I waited. I moved on. I dated myself and showed myself the best time! I got to know my own family and friends better and spent more time with them. I did the things for myself that is expected in any serious dating relationship. Then after a few years I met someone else. That someone was the boyfriend that I dated officially and seriously for two years. It was the boyfriend that the relationship critics urged me to give the ultimatum to. It turned out that he had something in stored for me. He gave me a surprise proposal that I could never have imagined and I didn’t have to threaten him to do so. It was in his heart and it came naturally. Just knowing that makes me content.

“Stop worrying about what you’re trying to gain. Think about what you already have.”

Please do not get me wrong, I don’t believe in dating for five or however many years with no expectation of growth, but if marriage is what you desire, I say have the discussion.

Either you both are ready or you’re not. Maybe the other party involved does not have the same vision you have. In my personal opinion, you can stay, you can threaten, or… you can just move on. If a person truly loves you, then they won’t let you get away for too long. I’m not saying go jump into the arms of someone else. My advice is to take a step back to decide whether it’s worth stepping back up. I, however, am no expert in relationships, and if you decide that giving an ultimatum is what you choose, then by all means do so… But be prepared to follow through. But if you want to consider another option, stop worrying about what you are trying to gain.

Think about what you already have.

Just be in the moment. Love yourself and enjoy your own company. I truly believe that the right person will come when you least expect it and will commit without the need to punish or threaten. p

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The New Sexy: Contemporary Ladies & Gentlemen How often have we heard (or said), “There are no good men?” Refusing to believe that, PURE Magazine sought the world-renowned etiquette impresario, Enitan Bereola, author of “Bereolaesque: The Contemporary Gentleman & Etiquette Book For The Urban Sophisticate” and his latest offering, “Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, from a Gentleman.” Mr. Bereola was kind enough to talk manners, relationships, and the power of a gentle woman with us.

What Made You Feel There Was A Need To Write These Books?

I didn't feel there was a need. There is a need. It's just a matter of one being either complacent or complaining, but never doing anything about it. To earn the right to complain, you actually have to present a solution or be a part of one. You can’t just sit back, observe, point fingers, and sip your coffee.

So, Instead of complaining about society, I preferred changing it. I want to see society in a better light. You turn on the TV and see reality shows, you step outside and go to the grocery store or wherever you go, you see there's clearly a lack of etiquette and sophistication. Not to say this world has to be stuffy, but just some common graces and treating your neighbor with respect goes a long way.

So, What Is A “Contemporary Gentleman?”

A contemporary gentleman is one who adheres to a specific set of morals, but who also has balance.

Often a gentleman has been seen as a corny guy or stuffy guy who maneuvers through the world uncomfortably. The gentleman has always had bad PR. There needed to be a rebranding. I wanted to allow society to see him in another light so young men would aspire to be this guy. When I would open books, the only gentlemen they would describe wasn’t really

inviting. There was nothing sexy about it – I mean according to the masses. It was the lifestyle I’d always lived, but I lived it my way. I want to allow men to maintain their own identity while simply applying some concepts from the book and seeing how they can drastically change the course of their lives.

So, It’s The Sexy Spin On Manners?

What makes it sexy is that you maintain yourself.

There’s nothing sexier than being yourself - that goes across both books. Anything less, you're cheating yourself, and you’re cheating God.

How Can A Woman Distinguish A Gentleman From A Smooth Operator/ guy who says and does the right things with the wrong intentions?

That’s difficult. There's always going to be that few that utilizes it for their gain and time is really the only indicator. Eventually the sheen and the shine withers away and true colors do show. You see more of this concept in the ladies book. To determine whether a man is serious or not about his intentions, you have to take your time with him. Don't allow a certain “thing” that may be required for marriage [you know “that thing,” Lauryn Hill euphemism for sex] in your relationships and friendships.

During the process of the friendship or courting - make it very casual. Some men can't hold

out through that process and their true colors do come out at the end, when it's so called too late. I believe that discernment, prayer, and having a true understanding of who you are combined with time will work in a woman's favor to seeing what a man’s intentions are.

So, Part B: How Does A Lady Attract A Gentleman And Stop Attracting Everything But One? In my opinion, you attract what you are and you attract what you truly desire. If you always have something negative to say about all of your ex’s, you may want to hold up the mirror and enjoy the view.

Often, the common denominator is the individual. It really requires an internal change. It requires for one to understand the core of who they are and Whose they are, what they are worth and why they exist. Until you come to that realization and fall in love with yourself, you’ll still continue that same cycle.

Gentlewomen is a love letter (and so many more things) that allows women to fall in love with themselves again or for the first time. So, you‘ll be able to date properly or just maneuver through life properly… and attract a gentleman. Of course, if you’re of quality, you’re always going to get those who desire you across the board - the knuckleheads and the

If you’re of quality, you’re always going to get those who desire you across the board the knuckleheads and the good ones.

good ones. It’s like a Rolls Royce. People from the hood want Rolls Royces. They can’t afford it. People who are wealthy want Rolls Royces, but they get it.

People who can afford it get it. When you see yourself in that light, you’ll understand who you should be paired up with, and the type of person who desires that [quality] will then be attracted to you. He will have those qualities that a lady wants and she will have more options [than just the knuckleheads].

You Don’t Hear The Term Very Often. What Is A Modern Gentlewoman?

A gentlewoman was very difficult to describe. I always had her in my head, and I knew her when I saw her. I understood it, but it was difficult to translate, because when God created woman He knew exactly what He was doing! My little phrase doesn’t do it justice, but here’s how I would describe her:

Is It Possible To Be A Gentlewoman And An Independent Woman?

Society is filled with independent women, but generally it’s not by choice. I have a chapter called “Sometimes the King is a Woman” and it's based off a James De La Vega quote. The point is sometimes if you look around, there’s just a lady and there are no men to wear the crown. But it's important to be honest about independence. It's usually something that happens to you and not a lifestyle choice. I know why women embrace it, but it's their responsibility to be truthful about it.

Let your daughters see your tears and witness the pain that accompanies independence. It’s can be dangerous to maintain a brave face because their daughters are watching and can carry that same negativity that’s rooted in independence within their own lives. I think it's important to show both sides of the story because… most kings get their heads cut off. Sometimes independence is freedom, or sometimes it’s just pure self-reliance.

Why would you be with someone you’re afraid to have interdependence with?

A gentlewomen can be independent. However, when a gentlewoman enters a relationship of value, I don't think on either side, man or woman, independence is recommended. I would suggest interdependence. Interdependence is depending on one another. Sometimes, women have issues with that. Submission kind of falls into that. I believe in submission on both sides. Women sometimes have a problem with the word because it's rooted within so much negatively, but why would you be with someone you're afraid to be submissive to? Why would you be with someone you’re afraid to have interdependence with? We should all be with somebody that we love to trust their sense of leadership and guidance. That should be like the blue print of a relationship. That should be the first thing you look at. Forget the list of “6 feet, making 6 figures and has a 6 pack.” How about “I can rely on this person. I can trust them. I trust their sense of leadership and direction.” That should be first on the “list.” So, yes a woman can be too independent within the realm of a relationship. Of course, you should maintain independence initially, but, as you begin to grow together and trust this person, you should start to rely on interdependence.

What do you think are some timeless rules for men and women when it comes to dating?

There are a lot of concepts... I don't really like to use rules. “Rules” kind of confines your experience. Everyone dates differently. I have a lot of concepts and suggestions that would benefit you and what your goals are, but some people can be in a relationship and date around and function and they're fine. So, that's why I don't like to call them rules, because everyone operates differently, but there are general concepts. I have a chapter called “Royal Courting” and it goes over a ton of those concepts. It allows you to maneuver within them in your own way. I can't see anyone disagreeing with them because they are kind of general.

They all have to deal with ensuring that you are taken into consideration.

I think the overall thing is you being taken into consideration. A lot of times people can get into relationships and take themselves out of the equation - which is what you're supposed to do if you're married. Then, it's about them, and for them, it’s about you – and, of course, God is at the forefront so all bases are covered. When you’re selfless and give of yourself and the other person is selfless, you’ve got them and they’ve got you and God’s got you both, but people apply that concept to boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships.

The problem is that they're kind of in a relationship with themselves because the other person - usually the man - isn't following that same guideline. So the woman is kind of giving up everything and neglecting herself and the man is consuming all of that and mainly caring for himself. So, she's just kind of left out there.

Never neglect yourself in a relationship or you get a scenario where a woman is giving her all and

getting nothing in return. It happens so frequently.

I always ask the question: If you’re in front of a vending machine and you're kind of hungry and you want some Doritos, and you put a dollar inside the machine and you don't get your Doritos, would you then go in your purse and pull out five dollars and try to get some more? If that's doesn't work, would you empty your entire wallet, and start swiping your debit card and running through your entire account trying to get those Doritos when clearly the machine is not giving them to you? Of course your response is no. Then I say, “Why would you give a man your all when he's giving you nothing in return?” The concept there is “Apply the same common sense that you apply to your everyday life to your relationships.” There's a bunch of analogies like that in the book that hold up a mirror to the woman - and the man - and allows them to see themselves. .

By Ronald Lee

FROM THE STUDIO Reason Behind “Game”

“GAME” featuring rapper, J. Johnson and singer, Chris Lawson, was included on PURE, VOL. 1 following the song SINGLE, but why? What’s up with that song?

Executive Producer, Ron Lee of What’s The Irony Productions explains why this song had to be put on.

As a son to my mother, brother to two

was more than game. We started with just

sisters (and many spiritual sisters), a

the first verse of him spitting game, but

husband, and a father to one of the most

then we realized we needed to hear what

beautiful little girls in the world, I felt it

the male really felt. We suggested he rap

was and is needed for them to be up on

about what the guy was really about, so

"Game."

the second verse came out with him

I've been teaching abstinence

education for almost 10 years and when we talked to the young girls they were

rapping his true intentions to a "friend." It just gelled so well. It was a very real song.

oblivious to the concept of "Game." So as a result of the project "Pure" coming into

J said it came somewhat naturally due

existence, when we were deciding what

to the fact that he was that guy at one

topics needed to be addressed when

point in his life, which is true for a large

communicating to females, I felt this

number of guys - especially as a hormone

song’s concept was essential.

filled teen (lol).

I, too, could relate, but

Once Mahogany heard the idea, she

now as a responsible son, brother,

was game (no pun intended). I knew J.

husband and father to a beautiful little girl,

Johnson worked in the field and he had a

I felt it was time to warn this generation of

smooth player flow. We asked him, and he

females and those to come about "Game."

NOW BOOKING FALL 2014

BOOK YOUR YOUR SCHOOL

Booking@MahoganyJones.com

Rules of The Game The following is a peek at the Pick Up Artists’ (PUA) Playbook. That’s right, ladies. There are rules to the “The Game” and this is how a PUA plays it. This insight was shared by a our eyes to the way men interact. All he asks,

gentleman to open and women both is that we be

open minded. To that,

PURE asks

that you ask yourself a

few

honest questions. In the scenario of Boy-Meets-Girl, what role do you play in this game? Is this PUA scratching an itch or watering a thirst? As our informant points out, “none of the women were forced into being attracted to these guys.” We can’t be on guard for every man who shows interest, but we can examine and guard our hearts with all diligence, after all, out of them flow the issues of life. The path to healthy relationships starts

with us being honest about what we are seeking and should be seeking in relationships. As our contributor shares in a quote from Eckart Tolle, “True love doesn't cause suffering for yourself or anyone else.”

Inside The Game

by Steve Johnson

When I was first told about “The Game” in my college years, I questioned it. "A manual written on how to 'get' women?" Nonetheless, I felt it was only right to investigate. When I did, I was astounded. “The Game” is a book written by Neil Strauss of Rolling Stone Magazine and The New York Times on the science of “the pickup.“ The book reads like a novel in more than one sense of the word which is probably why it begins with this statement: “The Following story is true. It really happened. Men will deny it, women will doubt it. But I present it to you here, naked, vulnerable, and disturbingly real. I beg for your forgiveness in advance. Don't hate the player, hate the game.”

A self-proclaimed nerd, Strauss admits he never had luck with women. He figured becoming a rock writer with a backstage pass dangling from his neck would be enough to change his romantic climate. In the end, he did get a kiss. Sadly, though it was a kiss on the cheek from Tommy Lee of Motley Crue.

Strauss' breakthrough never came with the rock stars. Instead, it came while on assignment infiltrating the world of pickup artists. He discovered a house full of them in California, among them was this former magician, a Canadian named Mystery. Turns out, he was the leader of the crew.

The Game shares tons of stories of how this crew used their artistry to hook up with women at ease from singles who thought themselves immune, to women who had boyfriends and husbands. Early in the book, Mystery managed to pull a woman right from the company of Scott Baio - that Scott Baio, the actor, intimately coveted in the industry.

Strauss, himself, experienced this "magic" first hand while overseas at the house of an associate named Marko. Marko's love interest threw herself into bed with Strauss while his friend was in the shower. He hadn't even pursued her!

You would think this might sound pretty cool to a bachelor like myself, but one situation never leaves my mind. Neil Strauss appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and told how he got Britney Spears so interested that she gave him her number. Then, right there on the show, he "opened" Jessica Alba as well. He did this in front of everybody and upon request. People knew it was coming, but somehow he still approached indirectly and sparked her interest.

Can you imagine being unknowingly vulnerable and targeted? What if you have a significant other, or what about your significant other? This could be frightening.

Mystery claims there is a systematic way to build attraction. We all are biologically hardwired to act a certain way when certain types of people are around. He calls this “Social Dynamics” and has actually lectured on it at MIT. First, a guy must know that what a woman says and does can be two totally different things, then, he can systematically build attraction.

THE PICK UP ARTIST’S “SECRET CODE” (Be warned, some of the language is Top Gun inspired.)

1. Select a Target 2. Approach and Open They believe beautiful girls are seldom alone. So, a pick up artist will approach a woman indirectly by attempting to win over the group she's with. He does this with ready made tools. These tools are pretty much just interesting stories, magic tricks, and other things that will make him seem interesting.

3. Demonstrate Value A guy can systematically build attraction if he can show he's pre-selected by women, a leader of men, protector of loved ones, and has a willingness to show emotion. Once these things are done, the woman may show indicators of interest in the guy. She may touch her hair, scratch or other self-grooming behaviors and body gestures.

4. Disarm the obstacles Up to this point, the PUA is “neg-ing” the target. Neg is to neither insult or compliment, but make a statement that pushes the woman away a little, but without insulting her. For example, "Is she always like this? How can you hang with her?" Done correctly, this should come off playfully, but also show a lack of interest in the woman he is actually interested in.

After so much value is demonstrated, a hooking point is reached. This means the PUA is so entertaining or harmless that they want him to stay. However, everyone may not like the guy, usually the AMOG (Alpha Male of the Group). PUA's have a way to deal with this, too. The main idea here is that once he has proven value to the group, he has indirectly won the approval of the target without throwing himself at her. Now, the group doesn't mind if he talks to her.

5. Isolate the Target: Next, the PUA will take the target away from the group and build a connection with her. This includes an emotional connection by being interesting, and finding similarities between them.

Hate The Game?

So, what is this that we're dealing with? Really, it's the dynamics between man and woman. Just like fighting, every person can do it, but if you have not academically trained on the subject, your success may be hit or miss.

Putting pick up artistry in perspective, Strauss told Jimmy Kimmel that these people are basically nerds who have gone from playing Warcraft to playing out in the world. They have learned how to give themselves a chance at meeting the person they're really interested in. This raises the question: Is there anything wrong with making sure that when you present yourself to another person, you do it well? Is it disingenuous? After all, don't we all prepare anyway? The alternative might be more frustration for the pursuer and the pursued: turn-offs, throwing themselves at women, showing interest too early, being too available, and a heaping dose of awkwardness. You have to admit that experiencing someone that's interesting and intelligent is a lot better than the antics of someone that's strange or a creep. I have to also tell you that none of the women were forced into being attracted to these guys.

On the other hand, you can tell from the name that pickup artists focus on the pick up, not maintaining a relationship. They learn how to open the door enough so that a real connection can take place – if that’s the PUAs intent. What a PUA means by “get a woman” depends on the person, but it not necessarily about getting multiple women.

If fact, I neglected to mention that when Strauss was on Jimmy Kimmel, he was married. He also made sure to include a story at the beginning of his book about his mentor, Mystery, experiencing heartbreak with a significant other. So, maybe pickup artistry is not quite someone hacking your emotional ATM code or having their finger on the button of a WMD. Both Strauss and Mystery actually stress the importance of becoming the best you that you can be before pursuing any relationship with another person. Seems like they’re right. Even the leaders of the PUA industry want real relationships and are in relationships.

Game… Having game… or hating the game… We all want a challenge, adventure, bliss, growth, and excitement with the person we're romantically invested in.

In the end, if you find a person where there's chemistry, shared interest, passion, and the things that can't be faked, and each person is committed to growing the relationship, that makes for superb soil for a lovely harvest. When those things are in place and true love is in the picture, nothing can break that. As Eckart Tolle says, “True love doesn't cause suffering for yourself or anyone else.”

Me too!

By Jayne Marie Smith

I thought I was too cool and knew too much to get played. Turns out knowing really is only half the battle.

Getting played bites like an angry female dog, leaving marks of hurt, offenses, fear, and bitterness. The reality is too many single women are dealing or not dealing with hurt in unhealthy ways. We’ve been led on, manipulated, played, deceived, overlooked, insulted, disrespected and disregarded, and then told to get over it because no man wants our baggage! For many women, singleness is synonymous with heartbreak. If there’s joy in singleness (and there is), we have to deal with this first.

Like a metaphorical stalker (please let it be metaphorical), our thoughts and emotions stake out where the relationship used to live only to relive the trauma.

Some time ago, I dreamt I was standing in the foyer of a house, being held back by a strong arm preventing me from reaching out to hold onto old lovers as they walked out the door. It was painful. I believe God was and is saying let go, but not the “let go” that implies forgive and forget. Forgiveness is included, but without processing hurt, it’s just another form of denial. His “let go” is about being healed. How do you heal from old, damaging relationships?

Healing requires complete honesty about everything: actions, feelings, thoughts, expectations, disappointments, disobedience, everything! It wasn't a perfect relationship. In my case, it wasn't even a relationship just emotions and expectations with no commitment. Be honest about what it really was, who he really was, and what you really wanted. Whether it was his charm or lies, we fell for an idea of him. What role did you play? Did you try to manipulate him into changing his ways or his mind about you? We don't call it manipulation, but honestly, we wouldn’t accept the real him. Don’t excuse him though. Be just as honest about what he did wrong. Unless you were dating a five year old (which

is sick and illegal), he knew what he was doing whether he’s honest about it or not.

Healing requires anger. It doesn’t sound very Christian, but you can't avoid your hurt feelings and successfully heal. It's not sinful to be mad. God gets angry. (Psalms 7:11) Anger is the natural response to injustice, HOWEVER, in your anger don't sin and don't get stuck. The point is to process it and work through it, not live it in. Like going to this hurt here, here or here?” Give yourself to a doctor, you need to know “does grace and room to feel okay about having upset feelings. One of the benefits to anger (or indignation, if you will) is that it serves as a wakeup call or realization that a trespass or violation has occurred. It reminds you to reestablish boundaries and values.

Don’t deal with anger alone. Perhaps the best way to get angry is with a friend - Not the “window busting” friend, but one like Abraham. God told Abraham he was going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, and Abraham tried to talk God down, literally. (Gen 18:16 -33) In the end, God dealt with the situation while staying reasonable. God calls Abraham a friend and I think this was his way of showing us what friends do. “Girl, drop him... but don’t key his car.”

Be careful what you do with disappointment. Lot's daughters were angry, hopeless, and irrational. Their fiancés burned up, mom turned to salt, dad tried to pimp them, and moved them to a cave. (Gen 19) So they did something monstrous. They raped their own dad. Most people don’t go that far, but we do some shameful things when we're hurt. I know I'm not the only one who’s ended up in the arms of some guy while running away from pain. Like the Prodigal Son, you come to your senses and realize that you ran to a pigsty and you're eating slop! Be careful where you let your disappointment take you.

Don't harden your heart. Some random pastor prayed this for me. He started praying about something else then felt led to pray that when hurts come, I wouldn't harden my heart. I remember his prayer every time hurts come. I pray this for you. Offenses come (Luke 17:1), but I pray they won't change or harden you and that you’ll fight to keep an open heart. That's the

only way I know to deal with this. Perhaps there are some steps, but I don't know them. You know the joy of God’s love. A hard heart makes it hard to feel that, too.

Healing is beyond our power alone. We can't transform hurt by ourselves. Only God can truly transform pain. Redemption is what he does. In Luke 14, Jesus read from the Book of Isaiah and said he was sent to: “... bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives ... comfort all who mourn, provide for those who grieve ... bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...”

In Biblical times, a person in despair would publicly rip his clothes and put ashes on his head to show deep shame and rejection. Jesus came to replace our shame, rejection and despair with beauty, joy and praise. Sounds like a fairytale, but this is redemption, swapping no value for value. God says he makes all things work together for our good.

Forgive. Unlike social media definitions of forgiveness, I opt for a financial concept. Forgiveness is transferring the debt against you to God, like when your student loan is transferred to another institute and you pay them instead.

When we forgive our debtors, God takes over that debt. What he does with it is his business. It’s no longer our debt to look at any more. That person owes you nothing. Like the saying goes, “If you lend a man $20, and you never see him again, it was probably worth it.” Whatever it feels like they stole from you is miniscule compared to your real worth. Let them get away. They left the real value behind. Trust God to do right according to his wisdom and justice. He knows the true worth of your love, he died for it, and can restore what the other person took.

I can’t promise once you let go, you'll miraculously find love. I can say that you’ll never be able to properly love and be loved without forgiving and clearing space. Correction, your future love deserves more than just a space shared with your exes. Kick them out with their baggage. Make room for love even if it’s just you and Jesus occupying that space. You will treat it better than those previous squatters.

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