“The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed ... by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.” – H.L. Mencken Issue #235
July 2011
Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It! Formerly the Comic Press News
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HUMOR TIMES
July, 2011
Editor’s Letter Ok, we’re including a couple pages on “Wienergate,” even though everyone is probably very tired of the story by now. Due to the timing of our monthly issue, we’re kind of late on this one. But what can you do? It’s one of those stories that just begs for a satirical re-hashing, and we’re happy to oblige. I hope people can put this story in perspective, however. The media, unfortunately, is not very good at doing that, even though you’d think that would be one of their main jobs. Perhaps in the past, but not so much anymore. Nowadays, the media is all about the very latest thing, no context provided. Apparently, they’ve decided that the average American has too short an attention span. Maybe they’re right, but isn’t the media itself at least partially to blame for this sad state of affairs? At any rate, I would hope that people would realize that what Weiner did, as compared to politicians’ escapades in the past (even very recently), was pretty low on the infidelity scale. As an excerpted piece on page 10 by Brad Friedman explains, his actions were so easily made visible to the public, needing no further explanation or investigation, that they seem magnified. As opposed to other politicians’ perverse follies, where there were no pictures, only stories – with their attendant accusations and defenses. Who’s right and who’s wrong? We can pick and choose who to believe, depending, I suppose, on our ideological and political leanings. For example, Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) didn’t resign for two years after an extramarital affair with a married staffer in 2009. That same year, Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina, disappeared during Father’s Day weekend, and after his lies about going hiking didn’t work, had to confess to an extramarital affair in Argentina. The state legislature eventually censured him over the affair and for misuse of state travel funds. However, he stayed in office. Because of term limits, he did not run in 2010. In 2010, the NRCC (National Republican Congressional Committee) used a strip club named Forty Deuce in Las Vegas for fundraiser gatherings, with Rep. Pete Sessions (R-TX) and others in attendance. He’s still representing his district. What about state Sen. Randy Hopper (R-WI), who just this year was caught living a with 25 year old mistress, while claiming to be living with his wife? Yup, still proudly serving in that dignified body. He’s facing a recall, but only as a result of the Wisconsin backlash against Republicans over the anti-union bills they’ve recently passed. The case could easily be made that these guys did things that were far more damaging to their marriages and to their office than what Anthony Weiner did. After all, their infidelities were in person, with real people, as opposed to just sexting or sending pictures to internet profiles, as was the case with Weiner. (Some of those were fake profiles, set up to entice him – see the NY Times, 6/17/2011.) I’m not making excuses for him. Mr. Weiner is definitely responsible for sabotaging his own career, and has no one else to blame. But let’s keep his actions in perspective, and ask: Why is this type of “justice” so selective?
– James Israel, Publisher/editor
P.S. Wondering what the real skinny is on the Fukushima reactors, now that the lamestream media has forgotten all about it? Arnie Gundersen, a nuclear engineer who was a nuclear industry executive for many years, has posted updates that are very interesting on his Fairewinds Associates pages at www.vimeo.com/user6415562. The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 235, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2011. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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July, 2011
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Wienergate Rep. Weiner is a smart guy...
who was really dumb.
His denials were unsustainable...
and he finally had to give it up.
Now that it’s all over...
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It’s time to reflect. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
July, 2011
He wasn’t the first...
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Congressional Shenanigans Corroded Clockwork Like corroded clockwork, the Republicans once again find themselves in the middle of a public relations disaster the size of Jupiter’s largest moon, Ganymede. Specifically, their plan to reform Medicare, which some folks say is akin to a tornado’s plan to reform trailer courts. Of course I’m talking about Paul Ryan’s Roadmap for America’s Future in which utilizes a rusty chain saw to perform major surgery on Medicare without benefit of anesthetic. And don’t even think of staying overnight: this is an outpatient procedure. The scheme involves replacing blanket care for elders with fixed-value vouchers. You know, like coupons. That’s right, he’s going to hand out health care coupons. Why? Because it would save lots of money, which then could be given to wealthy people through increased tax cuts and besides, everybody knows, old people love coupons. Perhaps a Schedule Two Roadmap Fix will enlist Groupon to move into the health care field. “Designer Colonoscopies. $2250. ($5,000 Value) Save 55%. Today Only! Need to pre-sell 2500 by 4 pm.” Then we phase in Early-Bird Organ Transplants. And make discounted cardio defibrillators available at your local neighborhood Everything for a Dollar Store. Cognizant of seniors tendency to mislay important objexts, Ryan thoughtfully unburdens them with having to actually handle the grubby little coupons physically: those will be given directly to the insurance providers for safekeeping. And when people run
out of coupon value, banks could be enlisted to suck out account funds for a nom i nal trans ac tion fee. You know, for our convenience. Not everyone is toeing the bright red line down the hall. Newt Gingrich, in an unguarded moment on Meet the Press, called the idea right-wing social engineering, no better than left wing social engineering. And less aerodynamic than single-wing engineering. Al though glid ing re mains his pre ferred means of transportation. However, after a spin transfusion in the bowels of a GOP reeducation camp, the Newt recanted, going on to warn that any ad Democrats air using his TV quote is a lie. Which is redundant, because pretty much every ad using any of his quotes is a lie. After all, he is a known politician. What has the GOP running scared is a recent special election where Democrats hammered the Medicare issue to win a New York Congressional seat that had been in Republican hands since Ichabod Crane ran on the Whig ticket. Guaranteeing that in the next election, every Democrat in every district all across the country will revive the NY script right down to the placement of the colons. In an attempt to preempt these anticipated attacks, Republicans are demagoguing Democrats for demagoguing them with “Mediscare” tactics. From the same people who accused Obama of creating death panels last year. If the hypocrisy coming out of their mouths could be bottled and sold to Los Angeles as a studio
WILL DURST
lubricant we could pay off the national debt in a week with enough left over for a down payment on Beijing. Obviously the American voters have the attention span of high-speed lint and it’s a long way to the 2012 elections. But you might want to install a protective filter on your TV for the impending tsunami of ads featuring parades of elders being attacked by Paul Ryan’s Tax Cut Zombies from the Planet NO! Excuse me while I slip months into the fetal position behind the couch under a blanket of coupons for the next 17 months. Weinergate Trust me. I really wanted to avoid the groin-tweeting thing altogether but you might as well try to avert your eyes from a bullfight in a bowling alley. To the average civilian, the subject must seem riper than a three-week old banana for major mocking and scoffing and taunting. Slam-dunking from a step-ladder. The problem is: how do you parody a parody? Unfortunately, the unfortunately-named Anthony Weiner is the only game in town, sucking all the oxygen out of the newsroom. For instance, it’s almost impossible to discover the subject of Sarah Palin’s newest Revisionist History Lesson. Did Abraham Lincoln declare war on the French to sabotage tort reform? Even the resignation of Newt Gingrich’s entire campaign staff went relatively unnoticed. Apparently their love of their country is just too strong. And the whole brouhaha is the New York Democrat’s own damn fault. There wouldn’t have been half the outcry if his name wasn’t a synonym for sausage. After all, the choice of pronunciation is his. Could have taken a page out of John Boehner’s playbook. Of course, boner-baner is way differ ent than wiener-whiner. Whiner is still a lousy name for a politician. Appropriate perhaps, especially for a Democrat, but lousy nonetheless. Its one of those rock and a hard place deals. But he could have gone bold: “Yes, its spelled W-E-I-N-E-R, but we pronounce it… Schultz.” His singular consolation has to be his parents didn’t add to his misery by christening him Richard. Or Harry. It’s Anthony. Tony Weiner. Which sounds like a high-class hot dog. Or, the cartoon mascot in that animated short we saw in 5th grade health class about the reproductive system. “Hi Kids! I’m Tony Wiener. Ready for a fast ride down the fallopian tube? Okay! Hard hats on? Let’s go.” Congressman Weiner – and boy, isn’t that turning out to be generically redundant – first lied about his unique approach to junk mail, but after allegations piled up like parking tickets on an abandoned VW Van in a white zone, he broke down and was frank about his franking. At long last, he finally could say with certitude that the crotch in question was indeed his. The Brett Favre wannabe admitted sexting six different women he met online, including a porn star, who reported that he tried to get her to lie about their relationship, but she refused. Pretty sad when the porn industry exhibits higher standards of integrity than Congress. But that’s old news. To say that expressions of party support have been scarce is similar to noting that few Episcopal ministers sport flamboyantly inked dragon neck tattoos. Not even good friend Bill Clinton has spoken out in defense of his fellow serial womanizer. Bill Clinton, who officiated at Weiner’s wedding. And doesn’t that explain a lot. Amongst other accomplishments we can now add to the former President’s resume- carrier. Typhoid Bubba. The New York Times calls comedian Will Durst “quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out Redroom.com for upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”
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HUMOR TIMES
July, 2011
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Cirque du ImbĂŠcile The Republicans opened their road show...
and the race is on.
Mitt has a tough task ahead of him... and Pawlenty thinks he’s got what it takes.
But Sarah is playing it cool... sharing her folksy views with all who will listen. (continued)
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HUMOR TIMES
July, 2011
Mediscare Meanwhile, Gingrich’s campaign is adrift...
The GOP Medicare plan was ready to take off...
and he got a bit of his own medicine... but they were in for a jolt...
but that won’t stop the Newt. when they tried to explain it to seniors.
July, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
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What They’re Saying He had inappropriate sexual entanglements with a number of women and lied about it repeatedly to the American people. Yet nobody – save for cone Colorado law school professor – seems to be calling for Justice Clarence Thomas’ resignation for some reason. That, even though Thomas, unlike Rep. Anthony Weiner, appears to have actually, and flagrantly, and repeatedly, broken the law. As we reported in January, Thomas appears to have “knowingly and willfully” filed falsified Financial Disclosure Forms which withheld disclosure of nearly $700,000 his wife received from the right-wing Heritage Foundation for the better part of the last 20 years. Only once it was pointed out publicly this year did Thomas bother to file “self-initiated amendments” to the forms he had signed just above the legal warning in bold and all caps which reads: “NOTE: ANY INDIVIDUAL WHO KNOWINGLY AND WILLFULLY FALSIFIES OR FAILS TO FILE THIS REPORT MAY BE SUBJECT TO CIVIL AND CRIMINAL SANCTIONS (5 U.S.C. app. § 104)” While there has been little indication that law enforcement is actually investigating the crimes of the U.S. Supreme Court Justice (which, as we pointed out in January, are punishable by up to $50,000 and/or 1 year in jail for each instance of falsification), last Friday when Thomas’ Financial Disclosure Form for 2010 was released, the matter appears to have gotten shadier still, leading at least one government watchdog organization to describe what Thomas and his wife Virginia “Ginni” Thomas may be been doing as “Judicial Insider Trading.” Connecting the dots, it would seem the couple made huge profits from Thomas’ participation and insider knowledge of last year’s Citizens United ruling at the U.S. Supreme Court, as we’ll show you below. While Barack Obama’s DoJ seems to be looking the other way, there was one person in Congress trying to bring attention to this issue last week with his ConflictedClarence .com website: Rep. Anthony Weiner... For some reason or another, Weiner has been distracted of late, so I was happy to pick up the ball today and cover the new Thomas disclosures on our radio show on L.A.’s Pacifica Radio affiliate, KPFK today. The audio from the show is below. But here are a few quick details, as promised. Before posting the timeline, one very important point that hasn’t received nearly enough attention: during Thomas’ contentious confirmation hearings in 1991, he received a huge boost when an outside organization ran $100,000 worth of television commercials attacking those Senators who were threat en ing to vote against Thomas’ confirmation. That organization? A newly formed group called Citizens United. Twenty years later, and without either Thomas disclosing it, or anyone in the media connecting the dots, Thomas decided in favor of the group in the now-infamous Citizens United v. FEC case, which has allowed a tsunami of corporate money into our political and electoral system. It was that decision that allowed corporations to pour virtually unlimited money into 501(c)(4) non-profits that could, in turn, use the money to affect elections with millions of dollars in campaign ads, etc. Ginni Thomas cre ated one of those 501(c)(4) organizations just after oral arguments were argued before her husband in the Citizens United case, and somehow managed to raise some $550,000 in about two months’ time before the end of 2009. – Brad Friedman, Alternet.org, June 13, 2011
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The Hightower Lowdown Vermont Leads the Way “We have a problem,” said House Speaker Shap Smith of Vermont. “We need to solve it.” This com ment re flects a no-non sense, hands-on, can-do attitude you rarely find in legislative bodies these days. Instead, when most so-called leaders are confronted with a problem, they say, “Let’s cover it up,” or, “Let’s turn this thing into a political football.” But Smith and a big majority of his Vermont colleagues refused to play games with one of the biggest issues confronting them and the people of every state: affordable health care for all. They knew that the cur rent high-cost, low-quality, you’re-on-your-own system is literally killing people, even as it is draining the budgets of governments and businesses. Costs in Vermont have doubled in the last decade to roughly $5 billion a year and continue to go up by $1 million a day – even as 47,000 Vermonters have no coverage and many others only have D.G.S. policies: Don’t Get Sick. Angry about this, a hardy group of Vermonters have spent more than a decade organizing a strong grassroots coalition for universal health care, educating both the public and politicians on the issue and solutions. The sparkplug of this effort has been Dr. Deb Richter, who was so appalled by the callous bureaucracy and greed of insurance corporations that she moved her family and medical practice to Vermont in 1999 specifically to build such a coalition. She has traveled tirelessly ever since, giving hundreds of talks to every kind of group, from churches to chambers of commerce. Richter has a gift for speaking in pragmatic,
non-ideological terms that reach a breadth of audiences. For example, viewing health care as an essential public service, rather than as a commodity to be sold and rationed by crass profiteers, she compares it to the fire department – “something people don’t want to use, but want in place, just in case.” As for people who say they don’t see why they should pay for Joe’s hospitalization, she points out that “Joe’s in the bed you’re going to be in tomorrow. That’s why we have to have health care as a public good.” This year, Vermont’s grassroots effort culminated in H.202 – a bill to establish a state health clearinghouse (called an “exchange”) with the authority to set up a single-payer style system to be called Green Mountain Care. Such exchanges, by the way, were authorized by a provision that Sen. Kent Conrad quietly included in President Obama’s health insurance overhaul last year. While Republicans and some corporate Democrats were making a show of killing any options for public insurance policies in that bill, Conrad gave the states the ability to create their own public systems. The Vermont proposal would not establish the Green Mountain program immediately. Instead, H.202 provides a gradual process to involve the citizenry in implementing a publicly funded system over the next few years. Even when fully available, the program won’t be a pure single-payer system, for it still allows private insurers to sell policies. But what an important advance it offers! It breaks the stranglehold that profiteers
JIM HIGHTOWER have on peo ple’s health. Green Moun tain would assure coverage for everyone, cut the crushing costs and waste of the corporate system, decouple health care from one’s job, and take the financial burden of health insurance off the ledgers of businesses. It was a good bill, so naturally it was opposed by the usual spe cial in ter ests and know-nothings – one House Republican decried the very idea of universal coverage, calling it the “keystone in the arch of socialism.” But he was hooted down – and with stout public support, Green Moun tain Care passed the House in March, 92-49, and the Senate in April, 21-9. On May 26, Gov. Pete Shumlin, who had made this issue central to his campaign last year, signed H.202, making Vermont first in the nation to go to the core of necessary reform by enacting a publicly funded health insurance law. Shumlin then gave the ceremony an appropriate punctuation point by handing his signing pen to Richter, calling her “the backbone” of the grassroots movement that produced this important advance for the common good. Cynics keep telling us that we can’t change the corporate order. But, as we see in Vermont, those who say it can’t be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. For information, go to www.vermontforsinglepayer.org.
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July, 2011
In Health News‌ The bad news on cell phones was a mind-blower...
and the side-effects are hard to take.
It turns out they can be bad for your health... like a lot of things.
Meanwhile, the FDA came out with a new chart... but we doubt it will help.
July, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
11
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Paul Ryan Vows to Viewer Poll on Republican Debate: Cleveland Plans Continue Kevorkian’s Work Undecided, 75% Unconscious ‘Glorious’ Parade 25% Medicare to be replaced with ‘Kevouchers’ Worrisome news for GOP field – In a somber Congressiofor ‘Heroic’ Dallas NEW HAMPSHIRE – In what could spell run, I’m gonna come ridin’ in like Paul Revere at nalWASHINGTON ceremony, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) eulogized trouble for the current field of GOP presidential the Alamo.” the late Dr. Jack Kevorkian today, vowing to Mavericks candidates, a poll of likely voters who saw last Another potential candidate, Texas Gov. Rick “honor his legacy by continuing his good work.” CLEVELAND, OH – Minutes after watching the Dallas Mavericks beat the Miami Heat in the NBA finals, the city of Cleveland began planning a victory parade. According to sources, it wi l l ta k e p l a c e through Cleve land’s downtown streets, Cleveland cheers on Mavs. which are to be lined with burning effigies of LeBron James. “This isn’t about being happy that LeBron James lost,” explained Cleveland Council member Richard Consolo. “This is about being absolutely frigging ecstatic that LeBron lost, and that he looked like a dumbass while he was doing it.” Dirk Nowitzky will be awarded the key to the city and Consolo is sponsoring an ordinance that would rename at least one street in every Cleveland neignborhood “Dirk Nowitzki Way.” Some Cleveland sports fans say that the parade is more about the city’s love of sports. “If the Heat had won, we would have had a parade for them too,” explained Tom Dombrowski. “Though, it would have been a different parade. Smaller. Just LeBron would have been invited, and it would have taken place in a dark alley in Little Italy instead of through the streets of downtown.” Many call this one of the best years for Cleveland sports in several decades. The Indians are in contention well past April, LeBron James did not win an NBA championship, and an NFL lockout may prevent the Cleveland Browns from ever having to take the field. Reported by DerfMagazine.com
night’s Republican debate Perry, offered this statefound that 25% of viewers ment: “At this time, I can’t were un de cided while decide whether to run for 75% were unconscious. President of the US or seAdditionally, over half cede from the US and beof re spon dents agreed come President of Texas.” with the statement, “This Former Massachusetts field of candidates comes Governor Mitt Romney dangerously close to qualmade the most headlines ifying as a prank.” last night by offering votDespite this somewhat ers this guarantee: “I will tepid response, the debate never get involved in a GOP field: All agree, Obama sucks. did have its moments of scandal like Weinergate excitement, such as Rep. Michele Bachmann’s of- because Mattel did not give me genitals.” ficial announcement of her candidacy: “I wanted Answering a question about the mass defection to declare my candidacy here in New Hampshire, of his campaign staff, former House Speaker the home of the Boston Tea Party.” Newt Gingrich said, “They all simultaneously reRep. Bachmann received high marks in the poll alized I was a douche.” from voters who said they found former Alaska Finally, by a wide margin, the poll showed that Governor Sarah Palin “too cerebral.” the biggest winners of the GOP debate were the While Gov. Palin is not yet an official candi- people who didn’t watch. date, she told reporters today, “If I do decide to Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Republicans Propose Replacing Social Security with Groupons Plan would offer deep discounts for cat food, surgery WASHING TON – Presenting w ha t he called a revolutionary plan to slash the nation’s mountain of debt, Rep. Paul Ry a n Ryan: “Privatizing is the way.” (R-WI) to day proposed eliminating the Social Security program in its entirety and replacing it with Groupons. “Instead of waiting each month for a check from Social Security, America’s elderly will receive valuable Groupons for everything they need, from Ramen noodles to cat food to caskets,” Mr. Ryan said in an appearance on Fox News. Adding that Groupons would also help provide for elders’ medical needs, the congressman illus-
trated his point by holding up a Groupon offering 30 per cent off on open-heart sur gery in Cincinnati. Moving on from Social Security, Mr. Ryan also proposed replacing Medicare with a new program in which seniors are shot at by Predator drones. Additionally, Mr. Ryan said, in his new budget so-called “friends with benefits” would lose their benefits. “If they’re really friends, they should be satisfied if the evening ends with a voucher,” he said. Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing alongside Rep. Ryan, offered these words of praise for the Wisconsin congressman: “Preachers like Harold Camping go around predicting the end of the world, but it’s guys like Paul Ryan who do the hard work of making it happen.” Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Palin Launches New, Free, Online American History College Offers alternative ‘Real America for Real Americans’ history to the ‘often wrong’ Fahn Academy A Humor Times Special Report Sarah Palin has finished her bus tour of America, and is now offering a virtual history tour of the nation online. “Many Americans have received faulty information by misguided history teachers. We’re here to right the record,” she declared, “far right.” The ex-half-term Alas kan gov er nor has teamed up with right-wing professors from schools like Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, praising their “creativity and devotion to a philosophy which cel e brates Godly truths, trumping the errant doctrine parroted by heathen teachers down through the decades,” as the new school’s online description states. New enrollees will learn “the inconvenient truths that have been hidden from an unsuspecting public, lo these many years,” said Palin. In a course on early American history, students will learn that not only did Paul Revere mean to frighten the British by ringing bells and firing muskets as he rode hands-free through the
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country-side, but that God handed down the Constitution on stone tablets on July 4, 1776.
Palin: “Sharing knowledge is fun!”
“Unbelievers like to tell a different version, about fallible humans drawing up a hand-written constitution, but we know such perfection can only come from above,” said Falwell in an introduction to the school on the new website.
Students will also learn that the real cause of the country’s Great Depression was a lack of antidepressants like Prozac. “We’re a stronger nation for our brave pharmaceutical companies, who have stood up for America,” Palin said. Lincoln’s Gettysburg address is dissected in another course on the Civil War. Correcting misconceptions about “the most misunderstood speech in history,” students will learn that the phrase “four score and seven years ago” actually referred to a grand slam Lincoln hit in baseball game seven years previously. “He was very proud of it, and hoped to inspire the soldiers with his tale,” said historian Fredly Samuels of Liberty University. Further historical record-straightening includes courses on how freed slaves dug deep tunnels to lay tracks for the Underground Railroad, and on the 1960’s “arms race,” which was really about JFK dueling Khrushchev in a handstand race, later followed by an arm wrestling competition. “Few knew this,” said Palin.
HUMOR TIMES
“Dr. Kevorkian tried to ease the transition of seniors into the great beyond,” a n e m otional Rep. Ryan told hi s colleagues in the House of Rep reKevorkian shows off suicide device. sentatives. “Here in Congress, we have the opportunity – one might even say the obligation – to continue Kevorkian’s work on a grander scale.” As a first step to memorialize the work of Dr. Kevorkian, Rep. Ryan said that his new budget plan would replace Medicare with a system of so-called “Kevouchers” that could be redeemed for cyanide pills, nooses and bullets. In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) suffered another setback today, in the form of these harsh words of criticism from former President Bill Clinton: “In my day, we’d show it to ‘em in person.” The avalanche of ridicule suffered by Rep. Weiner in re cent days fi nally drew some pushback from a member of the congressman’s staff. “It is time for all of these babyish ‘wiener’ jokes to stop,” said new Weiner spokesman Hugh G. Rection. Elsewhere, a new study shows that when you talk on your cell phone everyone around you can hear every fucking word you’re saying. Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Anthony Weiner Joins Chippendales Unconfirmed sources report that scandal-ridden Congressman Anthony Weiner has resigned to join the famous Chippendale dancers. Weiner made the announcement flanked by his new colleagues. He has al ready be gun performing. “I think I’ve found better position for myself,” said Weiner just before his opening performance. “These guys Weiner: “Proud.” are great and I will get paid to do what I love,” he explained. “I have always enjoyed being in the spotlight and exposing myself to strangers. I hope everyone has a camera, and will tweet me some pics. I am very excited about this opportunity. And I know this will lead to bigger and better things for me, and for my fans.” “We are very excited to have Anthony join us,” said Chippendale's spokesman Ben Harding. “Tony is a great guy. The ladies love him and he really digs his new job. He brings enthusiasm and a nice pant bulge to the Chippendales, and we couldn't be happier for him.” Reported by UnconfirmedSources.com
July, 2011
The Apocalapsed The end of the world was a real disappointment...
for most.
But the good Rev sez it’s just the beginning of the end. There are many possible scenarios...
but one thing’s for sure... we’re all screwed.
July, 2011
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Red Ink The debate in Congress is passionate...
and you might think this has never happened before.
No one is sure how we got here... who’s to blame...
or where to cut first... but we can all agree it’s ugly. (continued)
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HUMOR TIMES
July, 2011
The Prez Obama is not one to miss an opportunity...
Citizens have very little protection...
even if it means cozying up to the bad guys... and regular folks are teetering on the brink...
but it may not help him in the end. as we head for a crash landing.
July, 2011
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Wars R Us
Spring Fever
Wars ain’t what they used to be.
Israel is allergic...
It’s hard to know who to trust...
and sees Obama as a throwback.
anywhere. Meanwhile, despots are being despots.
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July, 2011
Media Jones Americans respond to their TV news...
and they get a steady diet.
But when will the media cover issues that matter?
Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES today! July, 2011
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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July, 2011
July, 2011
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Argus Sez President Obama held a golf summit, playing eighteen holes with John Boehner, Joe Biden and GOP Ohio governor John Kasich to negotiate the budget cuts. They got right to work. The foursome teed off at noon and they were fourteen trillion over par after three holes. Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress after a three-week siege over the lewd photos he took of himself and texted to women he’d met online. Now he’s looking for work. He has applied to be a greeter at WalMart but they don’t want one who is that happy to see you. Congressman Anthony Weiner caved in to pressure from fellow Democrats and stepped down. He just hears what he wants to hear. The latest Gallup Poll said sixty percent of Americans wanted Weiner out, and he’s been walking around with his pants unzipped ever since. Chicago Commodities Exchange analysts predicted that coffee prices will remain high due to crop limitations and increasing demand. You can still find deals. An auto repair shop in San Diego took out an ad offering customers a free cup of coffee with the purchase of 4 new tires. Prince William released his itinerary for his July honeymoon trip to Hollywood. The town has been waiting for him. Five years ago people here believed that William would someday marry Lindsay Lohan, on the theory that girls marry their fathers and men marry their mothers. Las Vegas launched a new ad campaign to try to lure Americans to come to Sin City and party. At least someplace is jumping. Los Angeles neighborhoods are so quiet since the recession started that if somebody is yelling at night it just means that El Salvador scored a goal. Vancouver endured hours of street rioting and looting after their hockey team lost in Game
ARGUS HAMILTON Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins. People were really upset. A Goldman Sachs broker convinced the city of Vancouver to invest all its money in Greek bonds. White House economist Austan Goolsbee resigned recently, admitting he couldn’t end this recession. Spending hasn’t worked, bailing out the big banks hasn’t worked, and propping up Detroit hasn’t worked. And no one liked his idea of leaving Pearl Harbor unguarded this winter. Toyota Prius sales fell for the third straight month due to supply shortages caused by the earthquake in Japan. They promised full showrooms by the fall. Hybrid cars are becoming more and more popular in America because they only finance terrorism when they’re going uphill. Al-Qaeda announced its number two leader Ayman al-Zawahri has been elevated to the post of the group’s Supreme Leader. He’s been inundated by a flood of congratulatory messages. The U.S. Navy decided to honor him with a drone flyover during the inaugural parade. President Obama’s re-election campaign announced it’ll raffle off a dinner with President Obama for five dollars per ticket. If you win they make you undergo a background check. Is it really in good taste to take people out to dinner af t er gi v i ng t hem a gov er n m ent colonoscopy? John Edwards posed for police mug shots that show him smiling dreamily into the camera after being indicted for a scam covering up campaign funds. He never had a lick of sense. It’s awfully reckless to take a cute picture when you’re about to go into federal prison.
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July, 2011
July, 2011
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